You're still going up London then on your blind date?
It's not really a blind date. I mean, we've been talking for six months on the phone.
Just haven't met in the flesh, like.
She's bringing a mate, I'm bringing you.
If this mate of hers turns out to be a munter,
that could be it for me and you.
Look, you don't have to come tomorrow. I'll go on me own.
Don't be stupid. I'm not letting you go on your own
to meet up with two freaks!
Oh, here she is now. Nessa!
This is a nightmare of epic proportions.
It's better than I thought it'd be.
I feel like I've known you ages.
Got any johnnies?
I ain't going in there bareback.
We all know what's going to happen, who wants what and what have you.
So why not cut to the chase and we can all get some?
This is so lush.
I feel like I've been abused.
Look, I want to say goodbye properly. Their coach leaves in half an hour.
Stacey!
-Oh! -So, I'll give you a ring.
Why?
-Well, you know... -Get a life, Smithy.
Come on, babes, I'll see you again really soon.
Oh my God!
If you say it, I'll say it back.
-I love you. -I love you, too.
(SCREAMS)
(BUSY TONE)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIGHS)
-Hello? -Gav?
Stace? Hiya! It didn't even ring then!
I know! Hiya!
I've been ringing you for ages, you've been engaged?
I was just picking up the phone to ring you.
Oh, my God! We're so in sync!
-So, are you all right? -Yeah, I'm good. What about you?
I'm absolutely starving!
I woke up so late and the thing is the sandwich man doesn't even...
Hang on a minute.
-All right? -Who's that?
-It's Bedmoors. -Good.
-Ask them where this stock is. -Yeah, will do.
-What? -It's a week late. Where is it?
-Hello? -Hiya, yeah, so, Ron, the sandwich...
Gone. Hung up. Ugh!
I'll call them back at the end of the day.
Cor, they take the piss down there, they really do.
Who hangs up these days?
I mean, really! Who was it? Was it that bird, Tracy something?
-Stacey? -That's the one. My God, she can talk.
Our last guy, Tony, he could never get her off the phone.
She was flirting with him. Giggling. He was married, he wanted to meet up with her.
-Really? -Yeah, look, ring her back,
-ask her where this is. -What, now?
Yes.
And see if we can start dealing directly with Niel, her line manager.
-She's a nightmare. -Yeah, all right.
I met her once, their Christmas party, she was absolutely blotto.
Puked in her handbag.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello, it's Gavin here from ICB.
-Did you just hang up on me? -No, no...
-I thought you did. -About this order, reference KC3243G,
-it don't seem to have arrived. -So?
-Well, could you look into it as a matter of urgency please? -What you on about?
-Hang on a minute... -What?
Line manager, ask if you can speak to the line manager.
-Eh? -Neil.
-Is Neil around? -What do you want Neil for?
I just think it's better if I talk directly with him.
-Tell her they're not the only ones who sell this stock. -What?
You don't wanna talk to me?
-Gav, what's the matter? -What?
-Tell her we'll go to Andersons. -Why are you being weird?
-I'm not. -You bloody well will!
-Is it 'cause we had sex on the first night? -No.
You think I'm a slag, don't you?
-Look, I can deal with this, okay? -You sure?
-Is that what you think I am? -Yes.
-Get on with it then. -Are you serious?
I am, it's just tricky, that's all.
-Stace, sorry. -Do you know what? Forget it!
-You're just the same as the rest of them! -Babe, I can explain.
(PHONE RINGING)
Sorry, love, this machine's closed for cleaning.
-What? -Go on, off you go.
-But I'm playing... -Look, love I've got to clean it
if I don't clean it I don't get paid.
Now, sling your hook, you pervert, or I'll break your arm.
-All right, Stace? -No, no, I'm not.
It's Gav, I think he's finished with me!
You better get in that kiosk.
Sweetheart, will you please phone me?
I can explain everything, just give me a call.
-Still not answering? -No.
Oh, mate...
You tried her mobile?
What do you think I've been doing?
I've been ringing it for the last three hours!
All right, don't get all uppity with me!
(SIGHS) She's just not picking up.
Withhold your number.
I do it with girls all the time, they pick up like that.
Oh, that's lovely, that is.
Hey, I don't like doing it, but it works.
(SIGHS)
I know what will cheer you up. Have a sip of that.
What do you think?
Er, I dunno,
it's quite cloudy and it's dark.
What about the little kick at the back of the tongue?
-Yeah... -Textbook.
-Will you ring Nessa? -No.
-Please? -Absolutely not.
-Go on, mate. I need you. -No. I can't.
-Hmm? -It's not going to happen.
-Aw! -No!
Are you...
I can't believe I'm doing this.
Nessa? It's Smithy.
Smithy.
No, from the weekend.
Gavin's mate.
You know, at the hotel?
In the en suite.
The toilet brush. Yes, yeah.
Good, thanks. Listen, I'm with Gav, is Stace around?
Okay, cheers. Don't want to talk to you.
Right, I've got to go down there.
You've just come bloody back!
-I know but I need to explain. -What about work?
It's fine, I'll use my flex day.
Flex day? That was meant for paintball with Gary and Simon!
Oh!
Come on, love. No point getting yourself all upset.
What did I do wrong? What did I say?
I dunno. But I tell you something, Gwen, this omelette is immense.
Oh, thanks, love.
You sure you don't want one?
-Cheese and mushroom? -No, I can't eat nothing.
See, this is what happens when you mix work with relationships
I remember when I was working in Harrods. I got involved with the boss,
and I mean the big boss. Crackin' little fella.
Used to take me to football every Saturday.
Couldn't do enough for me.
But as soon as he got what he wanted, down there, like didn't wanna know.
Tried palming me off with his son, and he was trouble.
Kept texting me every day from his boat.
In the end, I had to say to him, "Oh, back off."
Give him his dues, he did.
I've not heard a peep from him since, and I'm talking years.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
I'll get it.
-Well, look who it is. -Hi, Nessa.
-Is she here? -You got a nerve.
-Listen, I can explain everything... -No.
You listen, London Boy.
That girl in there is heartbroken, and whose fault is it?
-Not mine. -Mine.
-It's yours. -I just said that.
Oh! Don't get smart with me. I got your number. I know what you're about.
-Got my eye on you. -What's going on?
-Hi, I'm... -I don't need your name,
what are you selling, 'cause I got enough dusters.
-No, I'm not selling anything. It's just... -All right, Jehovah's, is it?
I tell you what...
Don't you go picking on this one just 'cause she looks like easy prey.
That was all in the past. The cults and the drugs and what have you.
-Look, you don't understand. I'm... -I'll be there now.
Look, are you Mrs West?
Who she is, my boy, is no concern of yours.
What he's selling, Gwen? He's not Clean & Easy 'cause he hasn't got a badge.
-Nessa, please... -Oh, you got her name pretty quick, didn't you?
That's how they work, you see, Bryn. He's Jehovah's.
Oh, well, let's have a coffee and celebrate Christmas!
Listen, this household has been very vulnerable
since the death of my brother, God rest his soul.
But you'll have no joy here, so move on.
And don't think about tryin' Doris or the Howellses next door,
because they're Catholic. In fact, you can probably miss
the next eight houses on this side, eh?
-Now, Gwen, who's at number 15? -That new couple.
We don't know them. Give them a try. Chance your arm, who knows?
Infact, who's the chap, the bachelor chap, down at the end?
-Mr Grant. -Stuart! Now, your luck may be in there
and I tell you for why, he doesn't have a tree at Christmas,
you've already got something in common!
Mrs West, I'm Gavin and I'm in love with your daughter.
Gavin!
She never said he was a Jehovah's?
He was stood right there, breathing over me.
See, I didn't even think of that.
I just thought you were breaking up with me.
Why would I be breaking up with you?
I dunno. It's just what usually happens, that's all.
Last chip. You have it.
I'm gonna have to go soon. Sorry, babes.
(SIGHS) I hates this.
-Can't you just move to Barry? -What?
It's well lush.
Yeah, it seems well lush.
I just don't want us to be apart. Ever.
-Come with me, then. -What?
Come and stay with me a couple of nights.
Are you serious?
Why not? We'll both take sickies.
What? Now?
-Yeah! -What, just get in your car,
drive about 1,000 miles...
-It's not 1,000 miles... -Turn up on your parents' doorstep
-and tell 'em I'm staying? -Yeah.
-All right! -Great!
Oh my God!
This is the maddest thing I've ever done in my entire whole life!
I can't wait to tell Ness!
-You ever coming back? -Nessa! I'm back Wednesday.
-Yeah, that's what Carol Powell told me. -Who?
Carol Powell. First best friend.
She met a guy, Jockey his name was. Scottish.
She went up, never came back down.
Haven't seen her since '82.
March 14th.
I remember the date 'cause we'd been to see Gary Numan at St David's Hall.
All I know, she could have been sex trafficked out of here.
I doubt it, mind. She's bigger than me.
All right, love? Now, I've done you both an omelette
one cheese, one ham, and there's £10 for Gavin for petrol.
-Where's he to? -Uncle Bryn's doing him directions, Mum.
-He doesn't need them. -I know, love. But let him be.
You know Bryn's a giver.
Right! We are online. Broadband, see. Quick as a flash.
-I'll budge up, you squeeze a cheek on there. -No it's OK, I'll get a chair.
Don't be daft. It won't take a minute.
OK. Crash course.
What I've got here is called a route planner.
It's gonna find your route from here back to your front door.
Now, what is your address?
-Bryn, really, I've driven here twice already. -Gavin, please. Address.
17 Lime Tree Avenue.
Lime...
Tree...
Avenue.
Oh, look out, quite a few here.
-Is that Billericay? -Yeah.
Cheltenham, Doncaster, Hull, Inverness, Solihull,
-South Shields... -Billericay.
-Or Swindon? -Billericay.
I thought it would be.
Oh, there it is. Look at that!
Blows my mind every time. Right.
And print.
Sometimes, I think of a place just to trick it. It never works.
I got a whole pile of maps dow there I've never needed.
Yeah, the Internet, just incredible, isn't it?
It is, Gavin, it is. Provided you remember the one golden rule.
And I tell you what, it took me a while to get my head round it.
What it is, you have to start everything
everything with W-W-W-dot.
And the best thing to do
is to think of something to help remind you. Like with me now,
I think of Whisky With Water, which was my brother, God rest his soul,
my brother's favourite drink. But it could be anything.
I mean, you could say...
Come on, three Ws, em...
Women...
Wearing Wings.
No, don't say that, that's a terrible one.
-What about World Wide Web? -World Wide Web!
I like it. Like a spider. Hey, that's the ticket!
That's brilliant! You've got it! First class, that is.
(EXCLAIMS)
What is it you do, if you don't mind me asking?
-I work in computers. -Oh!
Oh, isn't he lovely?
He's a cracking looking boy, I'll give you that. Eh, Ness?
He's all right.
-No! -What?
-You are not having toast. -Why?
I can't be doing with crumbs. Not today.
But I want some toast.
Do not start, Mick. Please.
Mick? Michael. Will you look at me?
I do not need it. Not today.
What's the problem?
When Gavin brought Stacey back here last night, we were asleep.
The place was a pigsty. There was newspapers all over the lounge,
three pairs of my pants on the radiator. Thank God they were new.
And there was dishes and who knows what in the sink.
Why are you talking like a deaf person?
I am not talking like a deaf person.
These are hushed tones. And you should know better,
what with your cousin Keith. And he really is. Don't do the impression.
I wasn't going to do the impression!
-Will you keep your voice down! -What for?
Because the love of your son's life is asleep upstairs
and the least we can do is give her peace and quiet
within the confines of a tidy house.
-Now, I will be doing a family breakfast. -Family breakfast?
If you can't wait, you can have Golden Grahams as long as you eat them over the sink.
-All right, Mum? -Morning, my little prince!
Can I get you anything?
-Tea? Toast? -Hang on a minute...
-Mick! -All right, Dad.
Yeah, I'm fine, son,
apart from the fact that your mum's trying to starve me.
Did Stacey sleep all right?
I wish you'd have given us some warning.
Did she say anything about my pants?
Don't worry about it, love. She'd never even known they were pants.
She'd have thought they were bed sheets.
(LAUGHING)
Oh my God!
Now, I've got fresh strawberries,
raspberries, pineapple and melon,
croissants, pain au chocolat and brioche...
Where's all this come from?
I was down at Tesco's at five this morning.
Mum, you didn't need to do all this.
Yeah, with all due respect
we're talking about Gavin's new girlfriend, not Princess Di!
You do not mention that hussy's name in this house
and you know that, Michael.
She's coming. Put your paper down.
Hiya.
I'm Stacey.
(MOUTHING)
You all right for tea there, Stacey?
Coffee? Juice?
I'm fine, thanks.
(MOUTHING)
-Oh, my Christ. -You all right, love?
Yeah, I'm fine, thank you.
Right, well, I'm off.
That was terrific. Lovely to meet you, Stacey.
You coming to the quiz tonight?
Yeah, I'll be there.
Great. See you, Gav.
Mick! Can I have a word?
Oh my God, just hold me!
Hey, what's up?
Can't you see what's going on?
With Jackie Onassis in there? I know, what's that all about?
It is evidently, plainly obvious that our son has been beating that poor girl.
Are you mad?
How else do you explain this?
He's given her two black eyes. She's been beaten within an inch of her life!
Don't be ridiculous. Gavin would never do that!
-I've seen it happen before. -When?
Holby City. There was an episode...
Right, that's it, that's enough. I'm off.
And you're just going to ignore it, are you? What if I'm right?
Right.
Gavin! Can you come out here, please?
-Yeah? -Gavin.
Your mother would like to know if you've been hitting Stacey?
Eh?
It's all right, my little prince. We can get you help.
Are you serious?
Well, what's with the glasses?
I don't know. She won't tell me.
I'm just as stumped as you are.
I bought them milennium New Year's. Me and Smithy went as the Blues Brothers.
Right. Stacey, could you come out here a minute, please?
Babes, we're all a bit confused about the eyewear situation.
Please, don't make me take them off.
Are you hiding something?
Yeah.
It's all right, sweetheart. You're in safe hands.
D'you wanna show me... and not the boys?
Okay.
Mick, see you tonight.
Have a good day at work. Gavin, tidy the kitchen.
Me and Stacey are going to be spending a little bit of time in the bathroom.
Come on, petal.
OK, darling, this isn't going to hurt a bit.
STACEY: Ow!
-Gavlar! -Smithster!
-All right, mate. -Good day?
Blinding. Just took 700 quid for refitting a boiler.
Stace, may I welcome you to the Coach and Horses and to Essex.
That's a shocker, innit?
Michael, looking exquisite, but not as good as Pam-la.
Pam-la, the love of my life, the girl I want to call my wife, but she's taken.
-A spear through my heart! -Oh, stop it!
What's got you in such a good mood?
It's quiz night, Pammy. You know what that means. Free drinks for Smithy!
You got the questions?
All up here. Don't you worry.
-Shall we? -Yeah.
Question number seven...
All right?
Um...
Who won the Golden Boot, World Cup Mexico '86?
Oh, come on! That's the second time tonight
Gary Lineker's been the answer.
-Oh, here they are! -Oh, come on, we need you!
-Where have you been? -Do you want to tell them or shall I?
I don't mind.
Seven o'clock he says he'll be back and he waltzes in ten to nine.
I was working!
Oh, I'm sorry, Pete.
I thought you was a chartered surveyor. I didn't realise you worked in a brewery!
Oh, leave it out, will you?
In he strolls, reeking of booze, rowing with his own daughter...
Now, now, Dawn, not in front of Stacey.
This is Stacey.
Hiya, Stacey, love. I've heard a lot about you.
Hiya.
You make me sick!
Question number eight.
Who took over from Des Lynam on BBC One's Match of the Day?
(CROWD JEERING)
Question 19...
(GROANS) The town of Leicester...
Is the birthplace of... (CROWD BOOING)
Which mass murderer?
-Are you all right, babes? -Yeah, I'm having a brilliant time.
I'm not even homesick.
Stop gawping at them, woman!
Excuse me, if I've forgotten what romance looks like, you pathetic lump of shit!
Question 21...
-20! -Whatever!
Pascal Chimbonda...
Moved to Tottenham for what transfer fee?
Summer transfer window, season just gone.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
Question 29...
(BELCHES) Sorry.
Who invented the plug?
He has got to slow down.
I mean, I like a drink, Stace, but this is every quiz night.
You wanna come down Barry. We're all like that.
Are you really, my love?
-Is it a pandemic? -Oh, I dunno.
We just likes getting pissed.
You should move to Barry, Pete, did you hear that?
Question 30,
is um...
Oh, it's, er...
It's, er...Oh...
I know the answer...
Kriss Akabusi.
Unbelievable!
It's gone. Forget it. All right?
Whoever heard of a 29 question quiz?
-You came second, didn't you? -Yeah, and what did we win?
Packet of Hamlet!
Night, night, Bamber Gascoigne!
-More like Paul Gascoigne! -Hey, nothing wrong with that, the man's a genius!
Good night, Dawn, I'll call you tomorrow about Thursday.
Are you coming, Dawn?
Are you talking to me?
That's a first! You barely looked at me all night, you ignorant pig.
What?
Bye, sweetheart.
-Lovely to see you. -Take it easy, Dawny.
-See you later! -Pete!
Ignorant pig, am I?
All bloody night, I sit in there and you...
Thank you very much for a lovely bloody evening. That was a real delight!
The thing is, they really love each other.
They'd never look at anyone else.
Would you ever look at anyone else, Pam?
Oh, stop it!
-What about your Lucy? -She's not a patch on you.
-You've got such a great pair of... -Right. That's it, you. Home!
All right, I'll see you later. Take it easy.
-Right, you can't drive. -I need the motor, I've got to be up at five!
You can stay at ours. I'll drive you tomorrow.
Cheers, mate!
-Get in here! -Pammy, Pammy!
-Get in the back! -Pammy, Pammy, Pammy, Pammy!
Smithy's passed out on the sofa. I ain't moving him!
I've got to be honest, I was really nervous about coming here.
Why?
Well, I never even been to Bridgend on my own, let alone England.
I didn't even know where Essex was!
I'm not 100% now.
-Does that make me stupid? -No.
When we was in school,
Smithy thought Spain was in China.
And he's been there twice. That's stupid.
-You're lush, you are. -Come here!
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Just to say, your dad's out for the count
and I'm putting my ear plugs in so let yourselves go.
-Don't worry about a thing. -Night.
(CHUCKLING)
I'm sorry I can't drive you back, it's just bad enough at work as it is.
Don't be stupid, I know what it's like.
Can I see your ticket, please, sir?
I ain't got one mate, I'm just putting my girlfriend on the train.
I'm afraid, I can't let you through without a ticket.
Why not? I'm just carrying her bag for her.
Sir, I can't allow you onto the platform without a ticket.
Oh, don't be so tight!
I'm not prepared to discuss this any further.
Now could you please move to one side, sir?
You're holding up the other passengers.
Sorry, babe.
Look, I'll ring you tonight.
No, ring me as soon as you get there.
Right, that's enough.
You are currently in breach of security regulations.
Nothing can be passed over the barrier.
It was a kiss!
Right. Well, see you, then.
Bye!
Thanks, mate. You're lovely.
Gavin!
(YELLING) I love you!
Oi!
Stacey!
Stace! Stace!
-Gav! What you doing? -Babe...
I've gotta say something, and
I know it might feel too soon or too rushed, but, for me, it feels absolutely right.
I love you so much.
Look, you coming to my house and...
Oh, I dunno... It's just that...
Stacey...
-Will you... -POLICE: Freeze!
-What? -Put your hands in the air!
-Hang on a minute! -In the air!
What's in the box?
-I can't really say. -What's in the box?
It's a ring, all right? Just a ring. I'm sorry.
I was going to ask my girlfriend to marry me.
Will you?
Will you marry me?
-Yes! -Stay where you are!
-Can I just get the ring? -No!
Oh, sod it.
All right, boys. Get off me!
Gav! Look!
It fits! It fits!
Brilliant.
(SCREAMS)
♪ Tell me tomorrow
♪ I'll wait by the window for you
♪ I'll wait by the big house for you ♪