Stace, sorry.
Do you know what? Forget it!
You're just the same as the rest of them!
Babe, I can explain.
It's Gav, I think he's finished with me!
Don't want to talk to you.
Right, I've got to go down there.
Gavin? Oh!
I just don't want us to be apart. Ever.
Come with me, then.
What now?
Yeah. Come and stay with me a couple of nights.
All right. (CHUCKLES)
Stacey!
Gav! What you're doing?
Stacey!
-Will you? -POLICE: Freeze!
Put your hands in the air!
What's in the box?
It's just a ring. I'm sorry.
I was gonna... Ask my girlfriend to marry me.
-Will ya? -Yes!
Gav! Look!
It fits! It fits!
Brilliant! Ah!
So did you get arrested?
So you're not ringing me from jail?
-No! -Well, where then?
I'm in work! They just cautioned me, that's all.
I reckon a couple of them even found it romantic.
I found it romantic.
It was romantic, fiancee.
(STACEY SHRIEKS)
Have you told your mum?
No, I'm telling her tonight.
Do you want me to be there when you do?
I'll come down, I don't mind.
It's probably best if I tell her on my own.
She might be a bit shocked.
Oh, for the love of Christ!
Mum, please don't be like this!
Me? Me be like this? Oh, that's it. I'm calling Bryn.
Mam!
-All right. -Have you heard about this, Ness?
-I have, yeah. -And what do you think?
At the end of the day, when all's said and done, I'm not gonna judge.
I been judged myself, Gwen, both in and out of court and it's not nice.
But that's life and if the truth be told I'm made up for her.
Oh thanks, Ness.
Come on. It's Weakest Link.
Bryn? She's done it again.
I know. I know.
All right.
(TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)
-(DOOR OPENS) -Where is she?
Oh, Bryn.
Where is she? Stacey?
Stacey. Put that telly off now.
-All right, Bryn? -All right, Nessa, love.
What do you think about all this?
For your information, Uncle Bryn, she's made up for me.
But that's how I thought everyone in my family would be
when I told them I was getting married.
And so we were,
the first time you got engaged.
We loved Hywel, if you remember, we embraced him as one of our own!
I mean the second time even...
We were still over the moon.
Kyle and his family treated us like royalty.
He was a prick.
He wasn't to everyone's taste, Nessa, I'll give you that.
But she loved him and therefore, so did we.
-Now, the third time with, uh, what's... -Leighton.
Ah, well, the less said about him the better.
If he was chocolate he'd have eaten himself.
But number four...
Oh, number four, eh?
You couldn't meet a nicer bloke than Ahmed.
He'd walk over hot coals for you, my girl.
He did once. For charity.
I know. I remember. He was a lovely fella, salt of the Earth.
And this'll shock you... I miss him!
I do. I can't tell a lie. He still sends a card at Christmas.
They don't even celebrate it but that's by the by.
You didn't want him and we accepted it.
But none of them were like Gavin!
Excuse me! Number five... Clifford.
He's very much like Gavin.
-How? -Well, they're both cracking looking boys.
Melting your mouth. And I hope to God that's where the similarity ends
because I'm not driving you to Strangeways like your father used to do,
God rest his soul.
I know I've made mistakes, all right?
And I got five engagement rings upstairs to prove it.
But in my heart I know that Gavin is the one for me.
He's my soul mate.
-You said that about Ahmed! -You said that about Kyle!
Oh, look, I am marrying him with or without your blessing.
Well, I'd love to know what his parents have to say about all this.
We've got to have a party! Just a little soiree.
I been saying I wanted a party but we never had a reason!
-Now we have! -Now we have!
Oh, come here my little prince.
(GASPS) Oh, I gotta phone Dawn and tell her.
Congratulations, son.
-And you're really sure about this? -1000%.
It's all a bit sudden, that's all.
I know. But when you know, you know. You know?
I do. I'm proud of you mate.
PAM: Yeah! I know! I know! Isn't it incredible?
Listen, I'll call you back. I've gotta ring Sue.
Right you!
Get on the phone to your fiancee and invite her
and all her family out this Saturday.
-We'll have a nice do. -Her family?
Yes, Gavin! We gotta start making bridges now.
-They can all stay. -Where?
Well, you'll have to get off your arse and get the Z-beds out the loft.
Party? London? Saturday?
A party in London this Saturday?
It's Essex.
Yeah, in my book that's tantamount to London.
Well, his parents want to meet you all. And you can stay over.
Oh, can I indeed? Is that a fact?
Gav... I'll have to call you back.
...to stay in the house of a family I've never met before.
Well, thank you for informing me.
Gwen, have you ever heard such nonsense?
Well, it can't do any harm, can it?
You've changed your tune!
Well, what's the problem?
We can drive up and you'll get a chance to try out your Sat Nav!
Oh!
Uh... Yeah, now that is a thought.
Yes. Yes.
Um, Stacey, please inform the Shipmans that I accept their offer
and very much look forward to meeting them.
You're coming, aren't you?
Can I smoke in the car?
Sorry, Nessa, no.
But we will be making a scheduled stop at
Leigh Delamere, possibly Heston,
but other than that, I suggest you invest in some patches or gum to get you through.
All right. Count me in.
(TURNS ON TV)
Oh, Bryn.
-Yes. -You've got something on your face.
Change this for tens, please.
I'm sorry, love, but I gotta do this.
It's no reflection on you
but at the end of the day, fraud's fraud and I don't know you from Adam.
And he's been barred twice.
-All right, Ness? -Bear with me Stace, I'm working.
As it goes, this one's fine
and you look tidy. So, be on your way.
All right, Stace, what's occurring?
I need your advice, I do.
Go for it.
Should I tell Gav about the other engagements?
Or should I just leave it.
Thing is, things are going so lush, if I tell him it might just wreck everything.
And it's not that big a deal, is it?
That depends.
This reminds me of a very similar situation I was in with my second husband, Clive.
I was faced with the dilemma whether to lie or not to lie.
And I chose to tell the truth.
-And what happened? -He died. Firing squad.
A terrible way to go, Stace, and I wouldn't like to see it happen to you.
-(SIGHS) -Smugglers we were.
If it weren't for my relationship with John Prescott
I'd still be in that jail right now.
So, yeah, in answer to your question I'd say, "No, don't tell him".
Oh, thanks, Ness.
Do you miss him? Clive?
I do, yeah.
But I don't miss walking through Customs with a belly full of crack filled condoms.
Lucy, baby, listen.
I'm just having a couple of drinks with Gav.
He's called me up, he wants to talk.
I don't know!
I know and I will.
I will, Lula Bella Mozzarella.
No, I will! I love you too.
I do. I love you, I do.
All right. I've got to go. Okay. (KISSING)
I've got to go. (KISSING)
Bye-bye.
-Who's that, wrong number? -No, Lucy.
She needs some help with her woodwork. She's making a fruit bowl.
-Is that what I think it is? -Have a try.
Oh, my God. Schloehoffen.
Is it beer of the week?
How many memories does that bring back? I'm getting another one.
-No, hang on a minute. -I'll get a couple.
I need to talk to you.
I get ya.
Is it Stacey?
Yeah.
-We've got engaged. -Has she dumped you?
-You've got engaged? -No, she's hasn't dumped me!
BOTH: What?
-You're getting married? -We're getting married!
Yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT)
And you didn't think to talk this through with me first, huh?
-Smithy, I don't need... -It's all right.
It's all clear now.
Take him out, public place,
buy him his favourite drink, he won't make a scene.
Come on, mate. I thought you'd be happy for me!
(CHUCKLES)
So is that it?
Any more bombshells you wanna drop before I go?
-At least, finish your beer. -What that's?
That which held so many happy memories?
See ya. Mate.
(VACUUMING)
Mick?
Michael!
Mick!
-(TURNS OFF VACUUM) -What now?
What time is it?
(SIGHS) It's five to ten.
That lemon roulade needs to come out of the freezer.
Of course, my love.
-I know what you're doing, Michael. -Mornin'.
Stop where you are! Are you wearing shoes?
No. I just got up.
There are no shoes to be worn anywhere in this house today. Do you understand?
Oh, and check your dad when he comes back and all.
Yeah, you just take it easy, Mum!
(WHISPERS) Nervous?
(WHISPERS) Little bit.
I remember when I met all your dad's side... Shocking.
I walked in the pantry to find your Auntie Christine giving your Uncle John...
-One lemon roulade! -Oh, thanks, love.
Tell you later...
(HUMMING)
(KNOCKING)
-Mum says have you got toothpaste? -Yes, and a flannel.
He's got it! Now come on!
Did you check upstairs?
Yes! Now come on or we'll never get there.
BRYN: Right.
All belted up?
Clunk click!
Now, if I could ask you please to be quiet while I hand over to our navigator.
(STARTS ENGINE)
NAVIGATOR: Continue to the end of the road and turn left.
Thank you very much.
Oh, for goodness sake Bryn we know the way to the M4.
-Shh... -NAVIGATOR: Continue along this road for 0.4 miles.
Thank you very much.
Can we have some music on now, Uncle Bryn?
I'm sorry, Stace, I'm gonna say no.
Just in case I need to receive any further instructions.
Oh, my Christ!
Gavin, please tell me none of them are vegetarians.
No, I don't think so.
Mick!
-Yes, my love. -Get down to Tesco's now!
I need veggie burgers, corn on the cobs,
anything with Linda McCartney written on it.
Mam, I'm sure they're not.
Are you, Gavin? 100% hand on heart?
-Well, no... -Exactly! Mick! Go!
Well, I'll just ring 'em and find out.
And how stupid do you think that's gonna make me look, Gavin?
When those poor vegetarians realise I wasn't thinking about them
when I was planning my menu.
All I was thinking about was slaughtering animals and wrapping them in pastry.
'Cause that's what they'll think.
-Mum... -Mick! What are you still doing here?
NAVIGATOR: Take the next right followed by the second left.
Thank you very much.
NAVIGATOR: At the roundabout, take the third exit signposted towards Billericay.
Oh, heck.
-So it's left here and then right at the lights. -MAN: Yeah...
-That's it. -BRYN: Thank you very much.
We should have just used a map.
God knows you got plenty of 'em.
It's never let me down before, Gwen.
You've never used it outside of Barry before.
And you knows your way around Barry and all, so it's pointless.
Oh, Bryn, am I all right to smoke now?
They're here! Mum!
-You are joking me! -No, come on!
Where the hell is your father? Forty minutes he's been gone!
Well, it is Saturday.
I don't care if it's Christmas sodding Eve.
Hello!
Welcome! Welcome!
Come in.
Hello! Hello!
(LAUGHING)
I'm Pam... Pamela!
And you all know Gavin.
Unfortunately, my husband, Mick has been called into the office.
Apparently all the computers have been shut down and only he knows how to...
Anyway, enough about him. (CHUCKLES)
-You must be, Nessa? -All right, Pam?
And that makes you Gwen. Ooh! Mother of the bride!
(ALL LAUGHING)
And you must be Uncle Brine. Brian.
-Bryn. -Bryn.
-It means 'hill' in Welsh. -Does it really?
Do you know, I have no idea what my name means in Welsh.
-Why. -'Cause I don't speak the lingo, darlin'!
-No, in Welsh 'pam' means 'why.' -Oh!
Or 'brick.'
-Oh, sorry! -There he is.
-Here he is! The worker! -Nice to meet you!
How was everything at the office?
Fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We just had a burst pipe.
-Where do you want this food, love? -Those? Uh... Give 'em here.
Oh, by the way...
This food isn't food food.
Oh, God no, everyone's catered for.
I catered for everyone well in advance. No, it's just that this morning
before you arrived I became a vegetarian. Yeah, veggie.
So that's what this is.
Out of interest, are any of you vegetarians?
I mean, not that it makes a difference to me either way.
-We're all adults. -Pam?
But I would ask you to respect my views
and all the little animals who've been
needlessly murdered in the name of western civilised greed.
Pam! Look I'm sure all our guests could do with a sit-down.
So why don't you all go through
and Gavin, you get everybody's bags and your mum and I'll get the drinks. All right?
Excellent. Thank you, Gavin.
-(SIGHS) Oh my God! -What is wrong with you?
I fell apart. I've fallen apart, Mick.
I was so nervous I can't even remember what I just said.
-You said you were a vegetarian. -Yes! I remember that bit!
Okay, calm down!
It's just you weren't here and you always do the greeting!
I get the drinks and you introduce. It's been like that for 26 years.
Okay. Look, look. Look at me.
Now you take some deep breaths all right.
-Yeah. Calm. -That's it. And calm.
Now we're gonna go back there and have a lovely evening with some lovely people.
And the only thing you have to remember is you don't...
-Eat meat. -Eat meat.
Oh, Stace, I tell you what you could do a lot worse.
No word of a lie, when they dies you'll be loaded.
Nessa!
She got a point, Gwen. I mean let's face it.
When Trevor died, God rest his soul, he left you a penniless widow.
You don't want to see Stace go down that same terrible route, do you?
I can't believe this!
I'm not even married yet and already you're talking about my in-laws dying!
You got to think about these things, love.
I mean, had you ended up with Leighton, right,
you'd have been livin' on the bread line because his family had nothin'.
Hywel's lot, well, they weren't much better off.
At least with Ahmed you felt there was a bit put by.
But then it's in their culture, see?
Bryn! We're not to mention the other engagements.
Stace will tell him when she's ready.
I just don't see the point in upsetting him.
Yeah, nor the family. You wanna think of the inheritance.
Look! They're just ordinary people.
-They're not mega rich nor nothin'. -Champagne everyone!
Who's for champagne?
Here you go, Stacey... Here you are.
-Gwen. -Nessa!
You'll have to go outside, I'm afraid.
No worries. I still got these.
Here you go, Nessa.
So a toast! To the happy couple!
Gavin and Stacey!
-Gavin and Stacey! -Gavin and Stacey! Congratulations!
-It's going all right isn't it? -Yeah.
Everyone's getting on brilliant.
-We'll have to tell them tonight, you know. -I know. I know.
(DOOR BELL RINGS)
-Gavlar. -Smithster.
Sorry, mate. It just knocked me for six.
-No, I thought you handled it really well. -Seriously?
Yeah.
-What? -Come on.
-No! -Come on.
-I don't want to. -Right. Forget it.
-See you later. -Okay! Quickly.
Make friends, make friends...
-Do it properly or not at all. -Yeah, all right!
-Yeah? -Okay.
Make friends, make friends. Never never break friends.
If you do I'll flush you down the loo and that will be the end of you.
Snooker Loopy!
-Is that a Smithy I can hear? -It certainly is, Michael!
-Did you come alone? -I certainly did not!
If you're referring to this little lady!
Right, get her in here. Bryn! Wait till you taste this home brew.
Bryn, this is my best mate Smithy.
-Hello, mate. How are ya? -Smithy, nice to meet you.
-Bryn, that's Welsh for hill, right? -Yeah.
So what it is, right, like a corset by here
but then it goes out with like a train going from my head, by here,
all the way down and then it trails behind me for about five metres.
And then I'll have like a hoop on my wrist so I can hold it when we do the first dance.
-Oh, like a princess. -That is cracking.
And then for my flowers I want the same as the bridesmaids.
-I'm gonna have six bridesmaids. -Six?
Yeah! Nessa, Maid of Honour.
-Nice one. -Cheryl, Cheryl's two little girls,
my cousin Zoe and Nessa's old step daughter Collette,
then page boys... What's the matter?
-Oh, nothing, love. Go on. -No, what is it?
Come on, Gwen? What's your beef?
-Or tofu, sorry, Pam. -S'all right, my love.
It sounds so lovely and I don't want to put a dampener on anything,
but how are we gonna afford all this?
-Gwen, listen. -No, Pam. I know what you gonna say,
-but we don't want charity. -It's not charity!
You are not a charity!
I'm not offering you my hand me downs, Gwen. Listen...
My husband has promised me a decent holiday for the last three years.
Have I had one? Have I buggery. It's payback time.
Mick will pay for everything. End of.
Oh, thanks Pam! That's so kind.
-Fair play. -That's very generous of you but...
No buts, Gwen. Give me your hand.
Stacey? Nessa, join.
Now...
We are going to have the best wedding day
since Prince Charles married the love of his life,
Camilla Parker Bowles.
-Hugs! -(SQUEALS)
Ooh! That's strong, isn't it?
Yeah, you don't want too much of it. What percent is it again?
-Nineteen. -(CHUCKLES)
Oh, yeah! Ooh! I like it!
And the funny thing is it's not my usual tipple.
Normally I like a Cinzano.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Cinzano... I love your accent, Bryn!
It's so much better than Stacey's. Say something else! Go on.
All right, bear with me. I got it.
"I'm going down the Arms Park for half a dark!"
(ALL LAUGHING)
Now say something in Welsh, you know, in Welsh.
-Well, that's the thing, you see, I can't. -How do you mean?
I cannot speak the Welsh language. It's a constant source of embarrassment to me
but Welsh is not my mother tongue.
Why is that, Bryn? Every time I've been down there it seems that none of you can speak it.
I mean you spend all that money on them signs and none of you can read them!
I know of just one man in Barry that speaks Welsh.
Dick Powell. Got a daughter Carol.
I don't know what's become of her. I bumped into him in the butchers.
I was buying scrag ends, he was buying chump.
I said, "Dick!" He turned to me. I said, "Why, why is it you always speak in Welsh?"
-And what did he say? -I don't know! I couldn't understand his reply.
I suppose that's my point.
Well, I can honestly say,
I have no interest in learning any other languages apart from my own.
I'm more than happy with English.
-You can't even speak that! -You're having trouble with that
(ALL LAUGHING)
All right, Smithy?
You can't speak that!
-What's she doing here? -I thought you knew.
I was gonna bring Lucy!
Lesson there is don't sleep with other women when you've got a girlfriend.
There's no risk of me doin' her again.
What's gone on there then, Smith?
What? That? Leave it out.
Ah! (SPEAKS WELSH)
It's Welsh. I knew, l knew it. Only thing I can remember. It either means...
I want a coffee or I like a coffee.
Do you want a coffee?
No, I'll stick to this.
Grab a plate everyone, help yourselves.
See, my eldest, Jason, he don't live with us no more,
now he says exactly the same thing. And he's left handed.
-And how old is Jason? -He'll be 28 in March. See?
Funny that, isn't it?
No, you're all right. Take it.
-No, you take it. -I don't want it.
-Take it. I thought you liked taking it. -It's fine.
Right, that's out of order. I've got a girlfriend, all right? This family knows...
Oh, get a life, Smithy.
-This is a cracking spread. -Thanks, Gwen.
Just tuck in everyone, don't hold back.
Mick, if you're going to gnaw on the legs of helpless animals
please have the decency not to do it under my nose.
(WHISPERS) Are you for real?
Please. Just respect my views. As a vegetarian.
(OVEN TIMER DINGS)
Ooh! That'll be my nut roast.
(SONG PLAYING)
I get 187 a week. Bit of fiddlin', I get that up to 200.
I thought to myself I'm gonna buy a Picasso. Citroen.
People told me, get second hand, don't buy new. I said, "Why,
"I'm gonna drive that car till the day I die. I don't have to worry about depreciation."
Three year warranty or 60,000 miles, whichever comes first.
If I do 60,000 miles, I will be a walking miracle.
-Do you drive, Nessa? -I don't, Mick,
which is a shame cause I loves a good ride.
Right everyone. Could I have your attention?
Speech! Speech!
First of all, we've had a great night tonight, it's been blindin'.
But we thought we ought to tell you all that...
-Oh, my God, you're pregnant! -No.
We've set a date.
We want to get married on the 6th of April,
which would have been Dad's 50th birthday.
Oh, that's lovely that is, Stacey. He'd have been so proud.
Is that April 6th next year or the April 6th as in only eight weeks from now?
-As in eight weeks. -I need a fag.
It's not ideal but it's doable.
Now, Mick, you're gonna have to call in a favour at the golf club tomorrow.
I'll ring up those lovely caterers that Dawn had for her mother's funeral.
-Oh, that was a smashin' day. Now, as for the church... -Mum.
We're getting married in Wales.
-What? -We're getting married in Barry.
-I don't think so. -We are, Mum.
Oh, no you're not. Mick, tell him.
-Look, let's talk about this tomorrow. -What's the matter with Barry?
(SHOUTS) Barry Island?
Where you gonna have the wedding reception, on the log flumes?
We don't live on the actual Island, Pam!
What's on the menu for the wedding breakfast?
-Hot dogs and candy floss? -What?
All served up by a gyppo on a donkey?
-I beg your pardon? -Oh, don't worry about the honeymoon.
-Just go to Butlins! -Come on, Pam! Shh!
-If that's what they want, that's what we'll do. -I'm going for a smoke.
Michael, I am not
traipsing the best side of my family all the way down to Wales to see my son,
my only son, get married in some dirty fairground!
Well, I don't want my daughter getting married in Essex!
I mean, what she gonna wear? A mini skirt and white stilettos?
-Mum! Don't be so rude! -Won't everyone just calm down?
You just keep out of this. You've caused enough trouble.
Pam, it is tradition for the bride to be married in her home town.
Yeah, it's also tradition for the bride's family to pay for the wedding!
And that's not happening either.
-How do you mean? -You are paying for the lot!
-Am I? Since when? -You never said.
Charming! So he didn't even know!
-Stop stirring! -I just wish someone'd told me!
-Your wife gave us a false impression. -My dad's not loaded!
Give it a rest, you leek munching sheep shagger!
Look at yourselves!
Will you just look at yourselves?
Oh, we live in a cynical world,
a cynical, cynical world.
And tonight we have the chance to build a wonderful family
that spreads across two nations.
And all that matters
is that those two families are joined by these two young people.
Who cares where they get married?
What matters is they are getting married.
All the rest... The golf clubs, the dresses,
the cars, the moneys, it don't mean diddly.
All that matters is that on the 6th of April,
Gavin and Stacey...
will commit the rest of their lives to each other.
And I for one will be proud
to be there when they do. Wherever it is.
Me too.
And me.
-I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me. -It's fine.
-I think it's the menopause. -I think it's the gin.
All right?
Nessa! Your back's covered in mud!
I know. I fell over.
(MOBILE TEXTING)
What?
Fell over.