1 00:00:04,840 --> 00:00:08,000 -Stacey, will you marry me? -Yes! 2 00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:10,160 Bryn? She's done it again. 3 00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:12,480 I know I've made mistakes, all right? 4 00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:15,240 And I got five engagement rings upstairs to prove it. 5 00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:17,720 Get on the phone to your fiancee and invite her 6 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:19,720 and all her family out this Saturday. 7 00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:21,880 We'll have a nice do. 8 00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:24,160 Nessa! Your back's covered in mud! 9 00:00:24,240 --> 00:00:26,040 I know. I fell over. 10 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:33,840 Fell over. 11 00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:37,560 Of course they did! Nessa told me they did! 12 00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:40,560 I know they did, but Smithy still maintains that he fell over. 13 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:43,160 Thing is, she can't even stand him! She says he's a prick. 14 00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:45,800 I know. And he says she's the worst example of a woman 15 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:47,320 he's ever come across. 16 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:51,440 -Literally. -(GASPS) Gavin! 17 00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:53,400 So what time do you think you'll be here tomorrow? 18 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:55,880 Dad wants to leave by 9:00, so I reckon about midday. 19 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,240 Okay, well, try not to be later 'cause it starts at 10:00 20 00:00:58,320 --> 00:00:59,480 and all the good dresses will be gone. 21 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:00,880 How do you know so much about it? 22 00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:02,320 Been to a lot of wedding fayres, have ya? 23 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:03,920 No, never been to one before. 24 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:05,520 Never in my life. Never ever. All right? 25 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:07,320 All right. Calm down. 26 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:10,360 Look, I've got to go. I'll call you tonight. Love you. 27 00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:12,760 Er, Gavin? Um... 28 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:14,800 ICB still owe us £400? 29 00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:16,400 -Really? -Yeah. 30 00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:18,400 That's kind of the reason I phoned. 31 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:20,200 Okay. I'll chase it up with Accounts. 32 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:22,200 Get your arse in gear. It's been five weeks. 33 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,240 My boss thinks I'm doing you favours. 34 00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:25,560 Yeah, sexual favours! 35 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:28,360 Actually, the last four payments from ICB have all been late. 36 00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:30,200 Bit embarrassing, really. 37 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:31,480 Okay, chill out! 38 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,040 It was you that said we have to stay professional! 39 00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:35,840 Very well. 40 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:37,880 Thank you for bringing the matter to my attention, Miss West. 41 00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:39,360 I shall deal with it immediately. 42 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:41,360 I appreciate your co-operation, Mr Shipman. 43 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:42,440 -Goodbye. -Good day. 44 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:54,200 (PHONE RINGING) 45 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:56,560 I love you! 46 00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:58,320 -(WHISPERS) I love you, too! -(CHUCKLES) 47 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:11,400 Smithy? 48 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:12,840 (MUSIC PLAYING) 49 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:28,120 (MOBILE RINGING) 50 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:42,160 -Hello? -What you doin'? 51 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:44,280 Doing that bathroom. Abbots Road. 52 00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:47,200 -How's it going? -Yeah, yeah, good. Just started tiling. 53 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:50,840 Smithy! 54 00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:56,160 Oh, God! What you doing here? 55 00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:58,200 -On your lunch? -It's 6:00. 56 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:00,160 What? 57 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:03,280 Shit! 58 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:06,000 (GASPS) I only shut my eyes for 10 minutes. 59 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:08,160 That was at 12:30! (GASPS) 60 00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:09,440 This is a nightmare! 61 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:11,120 I should've had this finished by 5:00! 62 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,680 She's got her niece and nephew staying for the weekend. 63 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:16,240 -Right. You got to help me. Start tiling. -I can't, mate. 64 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:17,440 Yeah, you can. Just slap 'em on. 65 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:19,280 They don't have to be perfect. She's partially sighted. 66 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:21,040 -I got to talk to you. -I ain't got time, mate. 67 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:23,960 -It's serious. -We're gonna have to talk and tile. 68 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:25,400 Okay. 69 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:30,000 -So, what is it? A problem down there? -Eh? 70 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:31,840 -The prostate. -No! 71 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,760 You can tell me. Look, honestly, you can tell me anything. 72 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,200 -I'll shut up. Go on. -Look. 73 00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:40,200 Me, you, Gary and Simon, 74 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:42,200 we've been mates since first-year infants, right? 75 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:44,080 Class of '83. Miss Hatfield. Happy days. 76 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:47,280 Yeah. Anyway, we've all been through a lot together, 77 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:50,920 and as much as I think Gary and Simon are great, 78 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:52,960 I just always think of you as my best friend. 79 00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:57,760 And that's why when I get married in six weeks' time, 80 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:00,040 I want you standing there next to me 81 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:01,880 as my best man. 82 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:14,800 Hey, come on. It's supposed to be good news! 83 00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:18,080 (SOBBING) 84 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:20,520 Is that a yes, then? 85 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:29,320 I won't let you down, all right? 86 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,360 I'll get you to the church on time. 87 00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:35,000 I'll have the rings all ready. I'll do a blindin' speech, all right? 88 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:36,240 Look at me. 89 00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:40,760 But most of all, 90 00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:44,120 I am going to give you the best stag since Chinese Alan got married in '99. 91 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:45,400 I know you will. 92 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:46,880 (SNIFFLING) 93 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:56,000 -I'd better go. -Why? 94 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,400 'Cause there's a really angry woman standing in the doorway. 95 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,400 SMITHY: Mrs Henry. 96 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:07,880 You're probably wondering why I'm crying. 97 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:10,760 And why your bathroom isn't finished. 98 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:13,120 -This is Gavin. -Hi. 99 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:16,120 He's my oldest and dearest friend. 100 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:19,320 And he's just given me some devastating news. 101 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:23,120 Regarding his prostate. 102 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:27,800 (CLOCK TICKING) 103 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:38,200 Maybe that sort of thing. 104 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:41,440 Yeah, maybe. 105 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:46,080 -What's the matter? -Nothin'. 106 00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:48,920 Come on! Ness? 107 00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:53,160 (SIGHING) 108 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:55,160 I won't lie to you, this don't sit well with me. 109 00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:56,920 What don't? 110 00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:59,480 Look. Are you sure you want me to be your Maid of Honour? 111 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:01,920 What you on about? 'Course I do! 112 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:03,080 It's just... 113 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,960 (SIGHS) Well, remember when Cara got married 114 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:09,120 and you and me were bridesmaids. 115 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:12,160 And we walked down the aisle and you went first 116 00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:15,720 and everyone was turnin' and smilin'. 117 00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:19,080 And you looked really crackin'. Proper, stunning like. 118 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,040 And then I walks down, 119 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:24,360 and I could see in people's eyes, 120 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:25,960 they were takin' the piss, laughin' like. 121 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:27,480 And not just 'cause I fell over. 122 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:30,680 But because I didn't look right. 123 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:33,800 In fact, if truth be told, I looked wrong. 124 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:35,760 -Don't be daft. -I did! 125 00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:37,360 I made a twat of myself. 126 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:40,840 And I just think, you need someone 127 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:42,840 who looks more like a bridesmaid. 128 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:44,240 Like who? 129 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:47,000 I don't know. Someone like Cat Deeley. 130 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:50,320 -But I don't know Cat Deeley! -Kate Thornton then, or that Leanne. 131 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:53,320 -Leanne who? -Battersby. From Corrie. 132 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:54,960 No! 133 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:58,960 Look, even if I did know those people, 134 00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:01,520 I'd never choose them over you. 135 00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:04,920 You're my best friend, Nessa, 136 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,960 and I want you stood beside me on my wedding day. 137 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:11,160 'Cause without you there, I don't think I could go through with it. 138 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:15,880 Cheers. 139 00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:17,760 Now let's have a look at your 'tache. 140 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:24,280 No. 141 00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:26,080 It's going to be a while yet. 142 00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:35,480 It's ten past 9:00! This wedding fayre starts in an hour 143 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:37,880 and we're not even in the right country. 144 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,920 We haven't even left yet. 145 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:43,480 I know. He's not even here. I don't know where he is. 146 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:46,400 Well, if worse comes to worst, we'll have to meet you there. 147 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,960 Yeah. Okay. See ya. 148 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:51,960 Mick? Do you want your own towel or are you happy to share mine? 149 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:53,360 Well, I would like my own, yeah, but, frankly, 150 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,080 at this stage, I'll share your underwear 151 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:56,800 if it'll get you in the car any quicker. 152 00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:59,000 It's eleven minutes past 9:00! 153 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:01,440 Smithy ain't even here yet. I don't know why you're getting on at us? 154 00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:02,880 I'm ringing him. 155 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,800 It'll go to voicemail. I've already tried him. 156 00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:06,440 Smithy, you great lump of lard, where are you? 157 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,320 If you're not here in two minutes, we're going without ya. 158 00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:11,280 -Mick, sign this card for Gwen. -What card? 159 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:13,080 It's to say thanks for having us. 160 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,120 "To a special friend"? You've only met the woman once. 161 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:18,120 She's family! 162 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:21,120 Oh, you and me are gonna fall out today! 163 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:23,200 Here he is! Where have you been? 164 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:25,400 Sorry, Mick, I'll be two minutes. I got to jump in the shower. 165 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:27,680 No, you're not! We don't have enough time. 166 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:29,680 Look at the state of me. I been tiling since 5:00. 167 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,000 -You finished that job? -Yeah, eventually. 168 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:32,880 She's not as partially-sighted as I thought! 169 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:35,120 -Hi, Smithy! -All right? I got to go inside. I need a wash. 170 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:38,440 -We haven't got the time, darlin'! -But I got to get changed. 171 00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:40,120 I ain't going like this! 172 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:42,160 Fine! 173 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:45,160 (GAVIN VOCALISING) 174 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:47,200 Oh, for the love of Mike! 175 00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:49,960 See anything you like there, Pammy, eh? 176 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:51,200 Oh, stop it! 177 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:53,040 Get in that car, for goodness sake. 178 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:54,920 All right, give me a minute, crikey. 179 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,160 Come on. 180 00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:58,400 All right, Michael. Go, go, go. 181 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:03,240 Thing is, Gwen, at the end of the day, 182 00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:05,360 I don't really think I'm the marryin' kind. 183 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:07,200 There's someone out there for everyone, love. 184 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,240 Ah, you say that. 185 00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:11,840 I went round the world three times when I was workin' the ships, 186 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:13,280 met all manner of men. 187 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:15,120 There was only Paulo, young lad from Peru, 188 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:18,680 I ever thought could've been the one for me. (SCOFFS) 189 00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:21,280 I often wonder what he's doing now. 190 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:24,080 I thought I saw him once, down Barry Magistrates. 191 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:26,400 I didn't. 192 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:28,240 It weren't him. 193 00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:32,280 Only me! The shopper! 194 00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:34,120 Mr Moneybags. Hiya, Nessa. 195 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:35,880 -Bryn. -Cup of tea? 196 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:39,280 I'd love one. But I'm desperate for the loo first. 197 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:45,280 Hang on a minute! 198 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:47,840 I must have walked into the wrong house. 199 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:51,360 'Cause I can see a young girl who looks very much like my niece, 200 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:53,400 -except she's doing housework. -(CHUCKLES) 201 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:56,720 Which I know for a fact my niece is allergic to. 202 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,960 -Hello, I'm Bryn. -Hiya. 203 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:02,240 You are comin' to this weddin' fayre, aren't you? 204 00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:04,960 I can't wait! I was so excited last night, 205 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:07,120 I didn't get to sleep till 10:30! 206 00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:13,480 -Something beginning with R. -Road. 207 00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:16,320 Oh! How do you always get it so quick? 208 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:18,240 All right, I got a better game. 209 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:20,000 -It's called Cruise Marry Shag. -Not Cruise Marry Shag. 210 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:21,720 You cannot play that with my parents. 211 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:24,080 Ignore him. What are the rules? 212 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:26,320 -Right. Mick, you can go first. -All right. Go on. 213 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:27,480 Oh, for goodness sake! 214 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,320 Okay, I'm gonna give you three people. 215 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,840 One of them you have to marry and have kids with 216 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:35,800 and a dog and a family, estate car and all that, you know, forever, 217 00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:38,360 one you have to go on a cruise ship around the world 218 00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:40,240 spending every minute of every day with them, 219 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:42,320 but you do not have to sleep with them. 220 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,360 I knew it was going to be blue! (LAUGHING) 221 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:48,120 And the other one you have to have a long, hard, brutal... 222 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:52,120 No! It does not have to be brutal or long or hard. 223 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:54,560 -You just have to, you know... -Shag 'em. 224 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:57,760 -(PAM LAUGHING) -Right? Okay. Michael, here are your three. 225 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:00,080 Okay. 226 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,880 -Sharon Osbourne. -Ooh! You quite like her! 227 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:09,960 -Don't look at me! -Sharon Osbourne, Anne Robinson 228 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:12,160 -and... -That little Jimmy Krankie! 229 00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:13,880 Yeah, that's the spirit! 230 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:20,800 Oh, I don't know, um... 231 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:23,880 I'd go round the world with, uh... 232 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,880 Oh, it's so difficult. 233 00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:28,840 Right. I'd have to go round the world with Bernard Manning. 234 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:30,920 -Good call. Think of the jokes! -Bernard Manning! 235 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:34,480 And I'd marry Loyd Grossman 'cause I like his sauces. 236 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,920 -I'd do the same! -His voice would do my head in. 237 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,320 That leaves the one-night-stand with... 238 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:41,360 -BOTH: Frank Bruno. -Yes. 239 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:43,880 (IMITATING FRANK BRUNO) 240 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:46,360 I'd be more than happy to do it with Frank Bruno. 241 00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:56,040 Quicker you say it, quicker it'll be over. Go on. 242 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:58,520 All right, so I'd have to shag Pauline Fowler, wouldn't I? 243 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:00,240 -Can we stop now? -(ALL LAUGHING) 244 00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:11,840 (SQUEALING) 245 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,040 (POP MUSIC PLAYING) 246 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:34,240 This is my idea of heaven! 247 00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:40,960 Right, everyone. 248 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:43,320 There are just six weeks till we get married. 249 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,120 Now, if we're smart, and stay focused, 250 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:47,280 we can get the majority of the stuff we need today. 251 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:50,040 It's all here in this room. We just got to find it. 252 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:52,840 Follow me, ladies. Good luck, boys. 253 00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:57,880 What a girl! 254 00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,440 (SONG CONTINUES PLAYING) 255 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:03,840 (INDISTINCT) 256 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:42,000 Will your boy be coming to the wedding? What's his name again? 257 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:44,800 Jason? Yes, he's coming over. 258 00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:47,160 -He lives in Spain, he does. -Is he married? 259 00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:51,000 -No. He's gay. -(GASPS) Really? 260 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:55,360 Do you know I said to Mick if we'd have had another son, 261 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:57,800 I'd have loved him to be a homosexual. 262 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:02,000 You know, for fashion advice and emotional support. 263 00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:04,800 Jason's good as gold like that. 264 00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:06,680 I miss him terribly, I do. 265 00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:09,200 -He lights up a room. -Aww. 266 00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:10,880 Hmm. Like a little Will Young. 267 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:11,960 Hmm. 268 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:15,000 Right. You ready? 269 00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:22,960 Ohh! 270 00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:24,880 I know it's white, right? 271 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:28,040 But who can honestly say, hand on heart, they're a virgin these days? 272 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:31,160 Fascinating. 273 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,400 Absolutely fascinating! 274 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,760 You like that? 275 00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:38,880 Here, try this, pick a card. 276 00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:41,360 Okey-dokey. 277 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:48,920 Well, look at it. 278 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:52,160 Remember it. 279 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:53,880 Put it back. 280 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,280 -Is that your card? -(LAUGHS) 281 00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:07,760 Yes! 282 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:11,480 I want to say no, I really do. But it is my card. Mick! 283 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:13,000 Mick? 284 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:14,360 Oh, he'd love this. 285 00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:17,280 What the heck. 286 00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:19,320 Are you free on the 6th of April? 287 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:22,360 -Yeah. -Can I book you? 288 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,000 -Yeah. -Wonderful! 289 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,480 What other tricks can you do? 290 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,320 Look at the interior on that, Dad. 291 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,480 They don't make cars like this any more. 292 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:39,160 You'd look the business in it. 293 00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:41,160 No. I can't. She wants a horse and carriage. 294 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:44,400 -Why? I've never seen the appeal myself. -Me, neither. 295 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:47,000 Well, why do it, then? 296 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,760 I mean, who wants to see a horse havin' a crap outside the church 297 00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:52,080 when you're stood there in all your finery? 298 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,080 But she's got her heart set on it. 299 00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:56,760 Well, what would you prefer? 300 00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:58,480 I want to go in the Bentley, obviously. 301 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:01,440 So just tell her they've run out of horses. 302 00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:02,600 -But... -Listen. 303 00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:06,280 I lie to your mother, on average, seven times a day. 304 00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:08,400 And they're not just little white lies either. 305 00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:10,800 Some of them are pretty, pretty black. 306 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:14,960 No, Pam. I'm getting this. 307 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:17,080 Oh, let's not start all that again. 308 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:19,000 I know you and Mick are footing the bill 309 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:20,760 and I can never thank you enough for that. 310 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:23,320 But please, let me buy my daughter's dress. 311 00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:27,240 I understand. I'll put my purse away. 312 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,320 Oh! Pam! 313 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:31,240 You're still payin' for my dress though, right? 314 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:34,520 I can saw the bride in half. 315 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:37,960 I can saw the groom in half. 316 00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,320 I can saw the best man in half. 317 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,160 Will you saw me in half? 318 00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:44,800 What relationship are you to the bride or groom? 319 00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:45,960 -I'm the bride's uncle! -No. 320 00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:47,840 Yeah, but, hang on, 321 00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:52,240 her father, my brother, is dead, you see? 322 00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:53,360 All right. 323 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:55,880 Yeah, well, that does change things. 324 00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:01,040 You're in Stag City now. This one's on me. 325 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:03,200 -Lager. -Cheers. 326 00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:05,000 I like drinking lager. 327 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,880 My name's Chris, but you can call me Jammy. 328 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:11,000 -Smithy. -Like it. I like that name a lot. 329 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:14,680 -Groom or best man? -Best man. 330 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:17,160 Right. Now, first things first. Well done. 331 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:20,440 I know it takes a lot of guts for a guy like you to come to a wedding fayre. 332 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:25,200 But you found us, and this is where our journey begins. 333 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,440 Now, you love your mate more than life itself, right? 334 00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:28,880 And there's nothing you want more 335 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,760 than to give him the best send-off you can 336 00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:32,440 before he ruins the rest of his life. Am I right? 337 00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:33,440 -Yeah. -I'm right, yeah? 338 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:35,240 -I thought I was right. I'm right, yeah? -Yeah. 339 00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:36,320 -I'm right. -Yeah. 340 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:37,480 High five. 341 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:40,080 You know what? Forget that! Big tens. 342 00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:44,920 I know what you want. 343 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,400 I know what you want better than you do. 344 00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:50,160 Nutter? Lights. 345 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:51,840 Nutter. He's all right, Nutter. 346 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:56,080 One word. 347 00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:58,880 Two words. 348 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:01,320 One more word. 349 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:03,000 Nutter? 350 00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:04,840 Lights. 351 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:13,160 Right. Any questions? 352 00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:15,920 No. 353 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,280 Now the last two times you were getting married, 354 00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:20,800 I remember you wanted something like this. 355 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:23,080 -Is that still the case? -Yeah. 356 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:26,080 But, um, if you sees him, like, my fiance, 357 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,120 don't mention about the others 'cause he don't know, 358 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,000 and I think it's better not to tell him. 359 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:31,480 Mum's the word. 360 00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:34,960 Oh, love. 361 00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:36,400 I'll take all of this, all right? 362 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:38,160 But I don't need another whip. 363 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:41,680 Oh, Ness. You look fabulous. 364 00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:43,880 I know. I feels it. 365 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:47,800 I am bushed! 366 00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:50,320 Whacked. I am absolutely whacked. 367 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,320 Come on, you lot! I'm all wedding-ed out. 368 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,440 -Mum, see what I got. -What is it? 369 00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:56,120 I'm not showing you! 370 00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:58,840 Right, so, we start off in Amsterdam, bit of that, 371 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,520 third day, travel to Prague, some of that. 372 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:05,200 Four days later, we start the flight home. But, this is the best bit! 373 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:08,200 We do a tandem parachute jump landing in a beer refinery in Hamburg. 374 00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:11,200 700 quid including the lap-dance limo in the last night. 375 00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:12,720 I'm getting married in six weeks. 376 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,040 I'm not goin' away for nine days! 377 00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,920 I thought you might say that. I completely understand. 378 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,040 So, the six-day option, we miss out Amsterdam... 379 00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:19,880 No! Six days is still too long! 380 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:21,720 -Yeah, but Jammy says... -Who's Jammy? 381 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:23,160 He's the guy who's organising the stag! 382 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,080 It's his company. He's coming, too! 383 00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:28,320 -Well, who's paying for him? -We are! That's the beauty of it! 384 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:29,760 He knows Prague better than anyone. 385 00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:31,480 He's slept with over 48 prostitutes! 386 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:34,080 -Oh, well, he sounds lovely! Invite him to the wedding. -You serious? 387 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,800 No! It's a night-out in town and that's it. 388 00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:38,160 (SIGHS) 389 00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:42,240 Russell Hobbs kettle and toaster combi. Put one of them down. 390 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:45,280 We have always had Russell Hobbs. You can't go wrong with him. 391 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:48,240 And that Brabantia bin is £55. Is that too much? 392 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:49,840 -Mmm, maybe. -Well, put it on the list, darlin'. 393 00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:51,920 If no one gets it, no one gets it! 394 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,080 -I already knows what I'm gettin' you. -What? 395 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:55,560 Tattoo. 396 00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:59,280 I'm havin' your name and Gav's all down one arm in Arabic. 397 00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:07,240 Smithy, here we are. Why don't you sit here? 398 00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:11,000 Uh, no, no, no, you're all right. I'm going to phone the missus. 399 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:12,920 I take it everyone's all right with chilli? 400 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,160 -ALL: Yes, yes. -Oh, yes, yes, thank you, Gwen. 401 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:18,960 Oh, don't worry, Pam. I've done you a lovely cauliflower cheese. 402 00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:20,480 Only I haven't put no cheese in it, 403 00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:22,720 'cause I wasn't sure if you ate dairy or not. 404 00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,160 So it's basically cauliflower with a bit of onion. 405 00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:27,320 Oh, thanks, Gwen! 406 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:28,400 Isn't that lovely, Pam? 407 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:32,080 Gwen's catered to your vegetarian needs so well! 408 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:35,800 Yes, of course, but what you won't know, Gwen, 409 00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:40,160 is that Mick has also turned vegetarian now in order to support me. 410 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:41,480 -No, I haven't. -Yes, you have! 411 00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:42,880 No, I haven't. 412 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:44,800 I have no idea what you're talking about. 413 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:46,880 I'm going to be eating Gwen's delicious chilli. 414 00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:50,840 She's at Venture Scouts. 415 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:52,160 Oh, I'll tell you what I want. 416 00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:53,800 Can we get a George Foreman Lean Mean 417 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:55,440 Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine, £19.99? 418 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:57,200 -Yeah, go on then. -I got one of those! 419 00:20:57,280 --> 00:20:58,840 I grill everything! 420 00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:01,520 Lean Mean Bryn they should call me. 421 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,520 Right. It's all out on the table, 422 00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:07,000 -so help yourselves to rice and whatnot. -Oh, thanks, Gwen. 423 00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:13,880 (WHISPERING) You're gonna have to smuggle me some meat. 424 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:14,960 How? 425 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:16,160 Put it in your pocket. 426 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:18,360 Chilli con carne in me pocket? Are you insane? 427 00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:20,040 No! I'm hungry! 428 00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:23,960 -Smells lovely, Gwen! -(SIGHS) 429 00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:37,200 (TOILET FLUSHING) 430 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:51,880 All right? 431 00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:54,080 Yeah. 432 00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:59,080 Look. About the other week... 433 00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:01,560 Oh, sorry, guys. 434 00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:03,680 Took a bit longer than I thought. 435 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,360 Why? We never had to go. 436 00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:14,040 We turned up, I gave him 20 quid, 437 00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:15,720 we did the deed, and got out of there. 438 00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:17,280 Oh, how romantic. 439 00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:20,120 I think you might be very pleasantly surprised. 440 00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:22,800 -It's a joke. An absolute joke. -Gavin! 441 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:26,000 -Well, let's not start arguing! -What's going on? 442 00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:33,440 -Well, I ain't telling him. -Tell me what? 443 00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:38,760 Nothin' to do with me! I'm on his side. You can tell him. 444 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:44,120 We have to go to church tomorrow. 445 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:45,520 The place where we're getting married. 446 00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:47,080 We've got to get the banns read. 447 00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:48,240 So? 448 00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:49,400 I said we'd all go. 449 00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,240 -So? -Including you. 450 00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:54,840 What? 451 00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:00,160 ♪ When I tread the verge of Jordan 452 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:05,360 ♪ Bid my anxious fears subside 453 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:10,440 ♪ Death of death and hell's destruction 454 00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:15,800 ♪ Land me safe on Canaan's side 455 00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:21,240 ♪ Songs of praises Songs of praises 456 00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:24,800 ♪ I will ever give to thee 457 00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:27,520 ♪ Give to thee 458 00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:33,280 ♪ I will ever give to thee ♪ 459 00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:41,440 What a lovely hymn that was! 460 00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:44,000 And I tell you what, if Simon Cowell was here today, 461 00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:47,560 I'm sure he'd be signing a lot of you guys up for the Pop Factor. 462 00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:49,840 Right. 463 00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:56,800 Who here likes sandwiches? 464 00:23:56,880 --> 00:23:59,120 I know I do. I love sandwiches. 465 00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:02,800 For lunch, or an afternoon snack. 466 00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:06,880 You've got your bread, and a bit of butter or maybe mayonnaise, 467 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:09,280 and then you've got your filling. 468 00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:14,120 And in a way, that's a bit like God. 469 00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:19,200 Because we've all got a different relationship with God, 470 00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:23,400 just like we've all got a different relationship with sandwiches. 471 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:26,800 For instance, my favourite sandwich is ham and egg. 472 00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:30,160 And I got to thinking, "I wonder 473 00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:33,360 "what my congregation's favourite sandwich is?" Doris? 474 00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:36,040 Stand up and tell us your favourite sandwich. 475 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:40,120 I likes a tuna, Father Chris. 476 00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:43,200 -I won't lie to you. -Tuna! 477 00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:45,200 Dick! Dick Powell. How about you? 478 00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:46,920 Me? 479 00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:51,040 (SPEAKING WELSH) 480 00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:57,920 Right, that's, uh... 481 00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:01,200 That's chicken and Glamorgan sausage. 482 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:04,480 -Yeah. -Odd choice. But it's your choice. 483 00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:07,440 Bryn! How about you? 484 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:11,960 I know it's boring, but I just like cheese. 485 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:14,880 -There it is! -Thanks, Bryn. 486 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:17,400 Now, 487 00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:19,160 Bryn is here today with some visitors, 488 00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:21,760 some very important visitors from London, 489 00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:26,480 'cause Stacey West, Gwen's daughter... Stand up for us, Stacey. 490 00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:28,920 ...in six weeks' time, here in St Nicholas', 491 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:32,040 is marrying a certain Mr Gavin Shipman. 492 00:25:32,120 --> 00:25:34,200 Come on, Gavin. Stand up for us. 493 00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:39,440 You're right, Bryn, he is a smashing-looking lad. 494 00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:45,360 The happy couple! 495 00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:51,200 (EXCLAIMS) Stay on your feet, Gavin! Don't sit down. 496 00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:54,360 Out of interest, 497 00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:56,840 what does a young London boy like between his bread? 498 00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:58,200 -What? -In your sandwich? 499 00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:02,200 -I don't know. -Oh, you must know! Come on. 500 00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:06,400 What's your favourite sandwich? Huh? 501 00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:08,920 Er, tuna? 502 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:13,760 -No. We've had tuna. Something else! -Just say anything! 503 00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:15,200 But why can't I have tuna as well? 504 00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:16,720 Don't look at her. Look at me. 505 00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:18,960 -I really can't think! -Oh, Jesus! How hard is it? 506 00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:23,440 -I just don't see the point! -You don't see the point! 507 00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:27,200 You don't see the point? Well, I'll tell you the point, you jumped-up little... 508 00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:29,480 The point is that the bread is the Holy Spirit, 509 00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:31,880 the mayonnaise/butter is the Father, 510 00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:34,720 and the filling is the Son! We all like different fillings, 511 00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:37,960 but ultimately, the bread remains a constant, just like God! 512 00:26:38,040 --> 00:26:39,840 But forget it! You've ruined it! 513 00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:42,440 (YELLING) Now sit down! 514 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:44,080 Stupid Cockneys. 515 00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:47,200 Right. Let us pray! Our Father... 516 00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:54,120 MICK: Well, that was eventful. 517 00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:55,760 Is he often like that? 518 00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:57,160 He's good as gold normally. 519 00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:59,440 When he starts mixing with people, he can't cope, 520 00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:02,280 -which is a shame for a man of the cloth. -(LAUGHING) Yeah. 521 00:27:02,360 --> 00:27:03,920 -All the best, Bryn. -Always lovely. 522 00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:05,240 See you, my darling. Gwen. 523 00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:08,080 -Nessa! -Lovely to see you. Take it easy. 524 00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:09,800 Oh! 525 00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:11,160 Au revoir, isn't it? 526 00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:13,120 There they are. 527 00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:14,440 Give them a wave now. That's it. 528 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:18,440 Lovely. 529 00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:23,400 Oh! (SIGHS) 530 00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:25,240 I miss him so much. 531 00:27:28,120 --> 00:27:30,200 Right. You coming back? 532 00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:33,480 -No, I'm going home. -You never go home. What's up? 533 00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:36,720 Oh, Stace. 534 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:39,480 -I think I'm in a right mess. -What do you mean? 535 00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:41,240 I'm late, aren't I? 536 00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:43,720 -What, late late? -Four days. 537 00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:46,960 -Are you sure? -Yeah, you know me, regular as clockwork. 538 00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:49,240 Every fourth Wednesday since I was nine. 539 00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:51,520 -What does Dave say? -It's not Dave's. 540 00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:54,400 -Oh, not that Daniel Owen's! -No! He's been done. 541 00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:57,080 -So is it Leggo's? -Look. 542 00:27:57,160 --> 00:28:00,200 It's not Leggo's, it's not Daniel's, it's not Dave's, 543 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:01,800 and it's not the bloke from the key cutters. 544 00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:03,000 So whose is it, then? 545 00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:06,280 (ALL LAUGHING) 546 00:28:08,080 --> 00:28:11,360 Easy, easy. I'd go round the world with Michelle McManus, 547 00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:13,120 I'd marry Sonia from EastEnders, 548 00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:15,440 and I'd have a right good go on Julie Goodyear! 549 00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:19,680 ♪ Tell me tomorrow 550 00:28:19,760 --> 00:28:22,400 ♪ I'll wait by the window for you 551 00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:31,160 ♪ I'll wait by the big house for you ♪