-Stacey, will you marry me? -Yes!
Bryn? She's done it again.
I know I've made mistakes, all right?
And I got five engagement rings upstairs to prove it.
Get on the phone to your fiancee and invite her
and all her family out this Saturday.
We'll have a nice do.
Nessa! Your back's covered in mud!
I know. I fell over.
Fell over.
Of course they did! Nessa told me they did!
I know they did, but Smithy still maintains that he fell over.
Thing is, she can't even stand him! She says he's a prick.
I know. And he says she's the worst example of a woman
he's ever come across.
-Literally. -(GASPS) Gavin!
So what time do you think you'll be here tomorrow?
Dad wants to leave by 9:00, so I reckon about midday.
Okay, well, try not to be later 'cause it starts at 10:00
and all the good dresses will be gone.
How do you know so much about it?
Been to a lot of wedding fayres, have ya?
No, never been to one before.
Never in my life. Never ever. All right?
All right. Calm down.
Look, I've got to go. I'll call you tonight. Love you.
Er, Gavin? Um...
ICB still owe us £400?
-Really? -Yeah.
That's kind of the reason I phoned.
Okay. I'll chase it up with Accounts.
Get your arse in gear. It's been five weeks.
My boss thinks I'm doing you favours.
Yeah, sexual favours!
Actually, the last four payments from ICB have all been late.
Bit embarrassing, really.
Okay, chill out!
It was you that said we have to stay professional!
Very well.
Thank you for bringing the matter to my attention, Miss West.
I shall deal with it immediately.
I appreciate your co-operation, Mr Shipman.
-Goodbye. -Good day.
(PHONE RINGING)
I love you!
-(WHISPERS) I love you, too! -(CHUCKLES)
Smithy?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(MOBILE RINGING)
-Hello? -What you doin'?
Doing that bathroom. Abbots Road.
-How's it going? -Yeah, yeah, good. Just started tiling.
Smithy!
Oh, God! What you doing here?
-On your lunch? -It's 6:00.
What?
Shit!
(GASPS) I only shut my eyes for 10 minutes.
That was at 12:30! (GASPS)
This is a nightmare!
I should've had this finished by 5:00!
She's got her niece and nephew staying for the weekend.
-Right. You got to help me. Start tiling. -I can't, mate.
Yeah, you can. Just slap 'em on.
They don't have to be perfect. She's partially sighted.
-I got to talk to you. -I ain't got time, mate.
-It's serious. -We're gonna have to talk and tile.
Okay.
-So, what is it? A problem down there? -Eh?
-The prostate. -No!
You can tell me. Look, honestly, you can tell me anything.
-I'll shut up. Go on. -Look.
Me, you, Gary and Simon,
we've been mates since first-year infants, right?
Class of '83. Miss Hatfield. Happy days.
Yeah. Anyway, we've all been through a lot together,
and as much as I think Gary and Simon are great,
I just always think of you as my best friend.
And that's why when I get married in six weeks' time,
I want you standing there next to me
as my best man.
Hey, come on. It's supposed to be good news!
(SOBBING)
Is that a yes, then?
I won't let you down, all right?
I'll get you to the church on time.
I'll have the rings all ready. I'll do a blindin' speech, all right?
Look at me.
But most of all,
I am going to give you the best stag since Chinese Alan got married in '99.
I know you will.
(SNIFFLING)
-I'd better go. -Why?
'Cause there's a really angry woman standing in the doorway.
SMITHY: Mrs Henry.
You're probably wondering why I'm crying.
And why your bathroom isn't finished.
-This is Gavin. -Hi.
He's my oldest and dearest friend.
And he's just given me some devastating news.
Regarding his prostate.
(CLOCK TICKING)
Maybe that sort of thing.
Yeah, maybe.
-What's the matter? -Nothin'.
Come on! Ness?
(SIGHING)
I won't lie to you, this don't sit well with me.
What don't?
Look. Are you sure you want me to be your Maid of Honour?
What you on about? 'Course I do!
It's just...
(SIGHS) Well, remember when Cara got married
and you and me were bridesmaids.
And we walked down the aisle and you went first
and everyone was turnin' and smilin'.
And you looked really crackin'. Proper, stunning like.
And then I walks down,
and I could see in people's eyes,
they were takin' the piss, laughin' like.
And not just 'cause I fell over.
But because I didn't look right.
In fact, if truth be told, I looked wrong.
-Don't be daft. -I did!
I made a twat of myself.
And I just think, you need someone
who looks more like a bridesmaid.
Like who?
I don't know. Someone like Cat Deeley.
-But I don't know Cat Deeley! -Kate Thornton then, or that Leanne.
-Leanne who? -Battersby. From Corrie.
No!
Look, even if I did know those people,
I'd never choose them over you.
You're my best friend, Nessa,
and I want you stood beside me on my wedding day.
'Cause without you there, I don't think I could go through with it.
Cheers.
Now let's have a look at your 'tache.
No.
It's going to be a while yet.
It's ten past 9:00! This wedding fayre starts in an hour
and we're not even in the right country.
We haven't even left yet.
I know. He's not even here. I don't know where he is.
Well, if worse comes to worst, we'll have to meet you there.
Yeah. Okay. See ya.
Mick? Do you want your own towel or are you happy to share mine?
Well, I would like my own, yeah, but, frankly,
at this stage, I'll share your underwear
if it'll get you in the car any quicker.
It's eleven minutes past 9:00!
Smithy ain't even here yet. I don't know why you're getting on at us?
I'm ringing him.
It'll go to voicemail. I've already tried him.
Smithy, you great lump of lard, where are you?
If you're not here in two minutes, we're going without ya.
-Mick, sign this card for Gwen. -What card?
It's to say thanks for having us.
"To a special friend"? You've only met the woman once.
She's family!
Oh, you and me are gonna fall out today!
Here he is! Where have you been?
Sorry, Mick, I'll be two minutes. I got to jump in the shower.
No, you're not! We don't have enough time.
Look at the state of me. I been tiling since 5:00.
-You finished that job? -Yeah, eventually.
She's not as partially-sighted as I thought!
-Hi, Smithy! -All right? I got to go inside. I need a wash.
-We haven't got the time, darlin'! -But I got to get changed.
I ain't going like this!
Fine!
(GAVIN VOCALISING)
Oh, for the love of Mike!
See anything you like there, Pammy, eh?
Oh, stop it!
Get in that car, for goodness sake.
All right, give me a minute, crikey.
Come on.
All right, Michael. Go, go, go.
Thing is, Gwen, at the end of the day,
I don't really think I'm the marryin' kind.
There's someone out there for everyone, love.
Ah, you say that.
I went round the world three times when I was workin' the ships,
met all manner of men.
There was only Paulo, young lad from Peru,
I ever thought could've been the one for me. (SCOFFS)
I often wonder what he's doing now.
I thought I saw him once, down Barry Magistrates.
I didn't.
It weren't him.
Only me! The shopper!
Mr Moneybags. Hiya, Nessa.
-Bryn. -Cup of tea?
I'd love one. But I'm desperate for the loo first.
Hang on a minute!
I must have walked into the wrong house.
'Cause I can see a young girl who looks very much like my niece,
-except she's doing housework. -(CHUCKLES)
Which I know for a fact my niece is allergic to.
-Hello, I'm Bryn. -Hiya.
You are comin' to this weddin' fayre, aren't you?
I can't wait! I was so excited last night,
I didn't get to sleep till 10:30!
-Something beginning with R. -Road.
Oh! How do you always get it so quick?
All right, I got a better game.
-It's called Cruise Marry Shag. -Not Cruise Marry Shag.
You cannot play that with my parents.
Ignore him. What are the rules?
-Right. Mick, you can go first. -All right. Go on.
Oh, for goodness sake!
Okay, I'm gonna give you three people.
One of them you have to marry and have kids with
and a dog and a family, estate car and all that, you know, forever,
one you have to go on a cruise ship around the world
spending every minute of every day with them,
but you do not have to sleep with them.
I knew it was going to be blue! (LAUGHING)
And the other one you have to have a long, hard, brutal...
No! It does not have to be brutal or long or hard.
-You just have to, you know... -Shag 'em.
-(PAM LAUGHING) -Right? Okay. Michael, here are your three.
Okay.
-Sharon Osbourne. -Ooh! You quite like her!
-Don't look at me! -Sharon Osbourne, Anne Robinson
-and... -That little Jimmy Krankie!
Yeah, that's the spirit!
Oh, I don't know, um...
I'd go round the world with, uh...
Oh, it's so difficult.
Right. I'd have to go round the world with Bernard Manning.
-Good call. Think of the jokes! -Bernard Manning!
And I'd marry Loyd Grossman 'cause I like his sauces.
-I'd do the same! -His voice would do my head in.
That leaves the one-night-stand with...
-BOTH: Frank Bruno. -Yes.
(IMITATING FRANK BRUNO)
I'd be more than happy to do it with Frank Bruno.
Quicker you say it, quicker it'll be over. Go on.
All right, so I'd have to shag Pauline Fowler, wouldn't I?
-Can we stop now? -(ALL LAUGHING)
(SQUEALING)
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
This is my idea of heaven!
Right, everyone.
There are just six weeks till we get married.
Now, if we're smart, and stay focused,
we can get the majority of the stuff we need today.
It's all here in this room. We just got to find it.
Follow me, ladies. Good luck, boys.
What a girl!
(SONG CONTINUES PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT)
Will your boy be coming to the wedding? What's his name again?
Jason? Yes, he's coming over.
-He lives in Spain, he does. -Is he married?
-No. He's gay. -(GASPS) Really?
Do you know I said to Mick if we'd have had another son,
I'd have loved him to be a homosexual.
You know, for fashion advice and emotional support.
Jason's good as gold like that.
I miss him terribly, I do.
-He lights up a room. -Aww.
Hmm. Like a little Will Young.
Hmm.
Right. You ready?
Ohh!
I know it's white, right?
But who can honestly say, hand on heart, they're a virgin these days?
Fascinating.
Absolutely fascinating!
You like that?
Here, try this, pick a card.
Okey-dokey.
Well, look at it.
Remember it.
Put it back.
-Is that your card? -(LAUGHS)
Yes!
I want to say no, I really do. But it is my card. Mick!
Mick?
Oh, he'd love this.
What the heck.
Are you free on the 6th of April?
-Yeah. -Can I book you?
-Yeah. -Wonderful!
What other tricks can you do?
Look at the interior on that, Dad.
They don't make cars like this any more.
You'd look the business in it.
No. I can't. She wants a horse and carriage.
-Why? I've never seen the appeal myself. -Me, neither.
Well, why do it, then?
I mean, who wants to see a horse havin' a crap outside the church
when you're stood there in all your finery?
But she's got her heart set on it.
Well, what would you prefer?
I want to go in the Bentley, obviously.
So just tell her they've run out of horses.
-But... -Listen.
I lie to your mother, on average, seven times a day.
And they're not just little white lies either.
Some of them are pretty, pretty black.
No, Pam. I'm getting this.
Oh, let's not start all that again.
I know you and Mick are footing the bill
and I can never thank you enough for that.
But please, let me buy my daughter's dress.
I understand. I'll put my purse away.
Oh! Pam!
You're still payin' for my dress though, right?
I can saw the bride in half.
I can saw the groom in half.
I can saw the best man in half.
Will you saw me in half?
What relationship are you to the bride or groom?
-I'm the bride's uncle! -No.
Yeah, but, hang on,
her father, my brother, is dead, you see?
All right.
Yeah, well, that does change things.
You're in Stag City now. This one's on me.
-Lager. -Cheers.
I like drinking lager.
My name's Chris, but you can call me Jammy.
-Smithy. -Like it. I like that name a lot.
-Groom or best man? -Best man.
Right. Now, first things first. Well done.
I know it takes a lot of guts for a guy like you to come to a wedding fayre.
But you found us, and this is where our journey begins.
Now, you love your mate more than life itself, right?
And there's nothing you want more
than to give him the best send-off you can
before he ruins the rest of his life. Am I right?
-Yeah. -I'm right, yeah?
-I thought I was right. I'm right, yeah? -Yeah.
-I'm right. -Yeah.
High five.
You know what? Forget that! Big tens.
I know what you want.
I know what you want better than you do.
Nutter? Lights.
Nutter. He's all right, Nutter.
One word.
Two words.
One more word.
Nutter?
Lights.
Right. Any questions?
No.
Now the last two times you were getting married,
I remember you wanted something like this.
-Is that still the case? -Yeah.
But, um, if you sees him, like, my fiance,
don't mention about the others 'cause he don't know,
and I think it's better not to tell him.
Mum's the word.
Oh, love.
I'll take all of this, all right?
But I don't need another whip.
Oh, Ness. You look fabulous.
I know. I feels it.
I am bushed!
Whacked. I am absolutely whacked.
Come on, you lot! I'm all wedding-ed out.
-Mum, see what I got. -What is it?
I'm not showing you!
Right, so, we start off in Amsterdam, bit of that,
third day, travel to Prague, some of that.
Four days later, we start the flight home. But, this is the best bit!
We do a tandem parachute jump landing in a beer refinery in Hamburg.
700 quid including the lap-dance limo in the last night.
I'm getting married in six weeks.
I'm not goin' away for nine days!
I thought you might say that. I completely understand.
So, the six-day option, we miss out Amsterdam...
No! Six days is still too long!
-Yeah, but Jammy says... -Who's Jammy?
He's the guy who's organising the stag!
It's his company. He's coming, too!
-Well, who's paying for him? -We are! That's the beauty of it!
He knows Prague better than anyone.
He's slept with over 48 prostitutes!
-Oh, well, he sounds lovely! Invite him to the wedding. -You serious?
No! It's a night-out in town and that's it.
(SIGHS)
Russell Hobbs kettle and toaster combi. Put one of them down.
We have always had Russell Hobbs. You can't go wrong with him.
And that Brabantia bin is £55. Is that too much?
-Mmm, maybe. -Well, put it on the list, darlin'.
If no one gets it, no one gets it!
-I already knows what I'm gettin' you. -What?
Tattoo.
I'm havin' your name and Gav's all down one arm in Arabic.
Smithy, here we are. Why don't you sit here?
Uh, no, no, no, you're all right. I'm going to phone the missus.
I take it everyone's all right with chilli?
-ALL: Yes, yes. -Oh, yes, yes, thank you, Gwen.
Oh, don't worry, Pam. I've done you a lovely cauliflower cheese.
Only I haven't put no cheese in it,
'cause I wasn't sure if you ate dairy or not.
So it's basically cauliflower with a bit of onion.
Oh, thanks, Gwen!
Isn't that lovely, Pam?
Gwen's catered to your vegetarian needs so well!
Yes, of course, but what you won't know, Gwen,
is that Mick has also turned vegetarian now in order to support me.
-No, I haven't. -Yes, you have!
No, I haven't.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
I'm going to be eating Gwen's delicious chilli.
She's at Venture Scouts.
Oh, I'll tell you what I want.
Can we get a George Foreman Lean Mean
Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine, £19.99?
-Yeah, go on then. -I got one of those!
I grill everything!
Lean Mean Bryn they should call me.
Right. It's all out on the table,
-so help yourselves to rice and whatnot. -Oh, thanks, Gwen.
(WHISPERING) You're gonna have to smuggle me some meat.
How?
Put it in your pocket.
Chilli con carne in me pocket? Are you insane?
No! I'm hungry!
-Smells lovely, Gwen! -(SIGHS)
(TOILET FLUSHING)
All right?
Yeah.
Look. About the other week...
Oh, sorry, guys.
Took a bit longer than I thought.
Why? We never had to go.
We turned up, I gave him 20 quid,
we did the deed, and got out of there.
Oh, how romantic.
I think you might be very pleasantly surprised.
-It's a joke. An absolute joke. -Gavin!
-Well, let's not start arguing! -What's going on?
-Well, I ain't telling him. -Tell me what?
Nothin' to do with me! I'm on his side. You can tell him.
We have to go to church tomorrow.
The place where we're getting married.
We've got to get the banns read.
So?
I said we'd all go.
-So? -Including you.
What?
♪ When I tread the verge of Jordan
♪ Bid my anxious fears subside
♪ Death of death and hell's destruction
♪ Land me safe on Canaan's side
♪ Songs of praises Songs of praises
♪ I will ever give to thee
♪ Give to thee
♪ I will ever give to thee ♪
What a lovely hymn that was!
And I tell you what, if Simon Cowell was here today,
I'm sure he'd be signing a lot of you guys up for the Pop Factor.
Right.
Who here likes sandwiches?
I know I do. I love sandwiches.
For lunch, or an afternoon snack.
You've got your bread, and a bit of butter or maybe mayonnaise,
and then you've got your filling.
And in a way, that's a bit like God.
Because we've all got a different relationship with God,
just like we've all got a different relationship with sandwiches.
For instance, my favourite sandwich is ham and egg.
And I got to thinking, "I wonder
"what my congregation's favourite sandwich is?" Doris?
Stand up and tell us your favourite sandwich.
I likes a tuna, Father Chris.
-I won't lie to you. -Tuna!
Dick! Dick Powell. How about you?
Me?
(SPEAKING WELSH)
Right, that's, uh...
That's chicken and Glamorgan sausage.
-Yeah. -Odd choice. But it's your choice.
Bryn! How about you?
I know it's boring, but I just like cheese.
-There it is! -Thanks, Bryn.
Now,
Bryn is here today with some visitors,
some very important visitors from London,
'cause Stacey West, Gwen's daughter... Stand up for us, Stacey.
...in six weeks' time, here in St Nicholas',
is marrying a certain Mr Gavin Shipman.
Come on, Gavin. Stand up for us.
You're right, Bryn, he is a smashing-looking lad.
The happy couple!
(EXCLAIMS) Stay on your feet, Gavin! Don't sit down.
Out of interest,
what does a young London boy like between his bread?
-What? -In your sandwich?
-I don't know. -Oh, you must know! Come on.
What's your favourite sandwich? Huh?
Er, tuna?
-No. We've had tuna. Something else! -Just say anything!
But why can't I have tuna as well?
Don't look at her. Look at me.
-I really can't think! -Oh, Jesus! How hard is it?
-I just don't see the point! -You don't see the point!
You don't see the point? Well, I'll tell you the point, you jumped-up little...
The point is that the bread is the Holy Spirit,
the mayonnaise/butter is the Father,
and the filling is the Son! We all like different fillings,
but ultimately, the bread remains a constant, just like God!
But forget it! You've ruined it!
(YELLING) Now sit down!
Stupid Cockneys.
Right. Let us pray! Our Father...
MICK: Well, that was eventful.
Is he often like that?
He's good as gold normally.
When he starts mixing with people, he can't cope,
-which is a shame for a man of the cloth. -(LAUGHING) Yeah.
-All the best, Bryn. -Always lovely.
See you, my darling. Gwen.
-Nessa! -Lovely to see you. Take it easy.
Oh!
Au revoir, isn't it?
There they are.
Give them a wave now. That's it.
Lovely.
Oh! (SIGHS)
I miss him so much.
Right. You coming back?
-No, I'm going home. -You never go home. What's up?
Oh, Stace.
-I think I'm in a right mess. -What do you mean?
I'm late, aren't I?
-What, late late? -Four days.
-Are you sure? -Yeah, you know me, regular as clockwork.
Every fourth Wednesday since I was nine.
-What does Dave say? -It's not Dave's.
-Oh, not that Daniel Owen's! -No! He's been done.
-So is it Leggo's? -Look.
It's not Leggo's, it's not Daniel's, it's not Dave's,
and it's not the bloke from the key cutters.
So whose is it, then?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Easy, easy. I'd go round the world with Michelle McManus,
I'd marry Sonia from EastEnders,
and I'd have a right good go on Julie Goodyear!
♪ Tell me tomorrow
♪ I'll wait by the window for you
♪ I'll wait by the big house for you ♪