It's New Year's Eve! We're all very excited here in the studio.
I tell you, this audience is about to go off!
Let's start the countdown! ALL: Three, two, one...
UNDERWHELMING PARTY HORN TOOT
LAUGHTER Let's start the show!
This programme contains some strong language.
Oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho! CHEERING
Hello! Oh! Thanks! Yes!
Good evening, everyone, it's New Year's Eve!
CHEERING
Oh! Is anyone here a bit tipsy already?
CHEERING
Yay!
Preloading and free tickets, you are nailing this cost-of-living crisis.
Now, we've got a packed sofa tonight.
I tell you, there are more guests on my show than we've had
Prime Ministers this year. Mm!
That's a lot!
No, this year Prime Ministers have been like buses, haven't they?
Yeah.
Total disasters.
First, Liz Truss replaced Boris...
HE WINCES
Now, how to describe how the nation felt when Liz replaced Boris.
Well, I think it's a bit like when Covid died down
and was replaced by monkeypox, wasn't it?
Poor old Liz Truss.
Soon it was HER turn to get beaten by her political rival.
Mm.
That Liz Truss lettuce thing started a trend.
Can political leaders outlast certain foods?
Yeah.
My money's on the ice cream. Let's get some guests on!
Later, we'll have a very special musical performance
from the stars of Cabaret, that's Callum Scott Howells
and Madeline Brewer! Yeah!
CHEERING
And one of the stars of 2022,
footballer and Lioness captain Leah Williamson will be here!
CHEERING
But first, he's a Bafta-winning actor,
writer and stand-up comedian,
it's Romesh Ranganathan!
CHEERING
Why, there he is!
Hello! Lovely to see you. Yeah!
And the star of House, Veep and Blackadder - he is an author,
musician, director and one of Britain's true comedy greats,
please welcome Mr Hugh Laurie!
CHEERING
Thank you.
It's you! Sir. Hello! Sir. Have a seat, Hugh.
He's the Bafta-winning breakout star of Top Boy
and Small Axe, now starring in Sam Mendes' romantic drama
Empire Of Light, it's Micheal Ward, everybody!
CHEERING
Oh! Looking sharp!
It's New Year's Eve! Hello, sir.
Starring with Micheal in Empire Of Light,
she's the Oscar-winning star of The Favourite, The Crown,
Broadchurch, Peep Show and so much more,
it's the fabulous Olivia Colman!
CHEERING
Whoo!
Hello, darling. Mwah, mwah!
Hey! Here you go! Whoo!
Welcome, welcome, welcome, all.
New Year's Eve, who'd have thunk it?
So you've all had a nice Christmas? Fantastic Christmas!
Yes, it seemed to go by so fast. Didn't it, though?!
Yeah, yeah.
Olivia, what was your best present?
LAUGHING NERVOUSLY: Er...
Uh...
A Ferrari! Ooh!
The neighbours will all be talking! "Did you hear what she got?!
"She got a Ferrari." No, full disclosure, we're recording this...
It's not New Year's Eve, so on New Year's Eve, these people
won't be here, they'll be somewhere else.
Olivia Colman, are you at a big party?
No, I like being at home on New Year's Eve. Wow!
Lucky we pre-recorded this!
Micheal Ward, you're young, surely YOU'RE at a party? Come on!
Go out for the four of us. You're cutting a rug? You're cutting a rug?
I'm going to a party. Yay!
Finally, someone's at a party.
Can you tell us what sort of party?
Is it a house party, is it a big club night?
Who knows? Just whatever me and my friends decide to do on the night.
They ARE the party. We're spontaneous. Yes!
That's the key thing on New Year's Eve,
don't plan anything. Exactly! Er...
Romesh, what about you? I'm guessing no party?
OLIVIA: Oh...
What?!
That's actually an incredibly aggressive first question, Graham.
Yeah, that's really nasty.
No, you seem to be very kind of, you know, "I'M not going to a party.
"Come to me, Norton. I'll tell you about the party I'm not going to."
Well, I'm sort of anti-New Year's Eve as a thing,
just sort of that kind of compulsion to have a really good time,
I find offensive.
You know that sort of thing where, like,
you've just had Christmas and then you've got that kind
of gooch in between Christmas and New Year,
and then people are sort of seeing each other left, right and centre
and they go, "We've got to have a great time on New Year's Eve."
Like, one of my mum's New Year's resolutions was to see me more.
And I said, "Well, that sits in direct contradiction
"to my New Year's resolution, which is to see you a lot less."
Listen, let me tell you something.
I need to call my mum out on this, right?
Because she does a lot of stuff like this, right?
So she works, right, and she is always going...
IN SRI LANKAN ACCENT: People always say, "Your son's on television,
"why are you still working?"
But she chooses to continue working.
She was working Saturdays, right, she was doing six days a week
and I said to her, "Mum, I just don't think at your age
"you should be doing six days a week, it's really..."
And she goes, "But I don't know what to do about the money."
I said, "Look, I tell you what, give up Saturdays, I'll pay you
"whatever you get on the Saturdays, right?
"So just stop working Saturdays."
She took the money, carried on working Saturdays.
That's smart. That's smart, yeah.
Now it's like she's working on Sunday too.
All right, look, let's start with Olivia and Micheal's movie,
Empire Of Light.
It's a romantic drama and it's in cinemas from January 9th,
written and directed by Sam Mendes.
So, Micheal, Olivia, who do you play, what's it about,
have you figured out how you do this as a double act yet? No.
No, we have not, actually. Who do YOU play?
Well, I play a young man called Stephen who starts
working at this cinema that Hilary's working in.
I'm Hilary! OK, got it. Got it.
I'd say the movie is about two people who are kind of lonely,
and they find kind of solace in each other.
That's how I'd kind of put it.
And then they just go on a journey with each other. "Solace."
Yep, yep, yep. Is that not right?
It's just, it's a bit ruder than that, isn't it? Just a bit.
There are some solace scenes. Only twice. It's rude twice.
GRAHAM LAUGHS
And it's a beautiful film, it's so gorgeous,
and you're both brilliant in it, and gorgeously shot.
And we've got a lovely clip,
and it couldn't have been more perfect for tonight.
It's New Year's Eve, and the two of you are on the roof
of the cinema, waiting for the fireworks. It's gorgeous.
BELLS CHIME Oh, listen.
Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,
The flying cloud and the frosty light:
The year is dying in the night;
Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.
Nice.
Tennyson.
CROWD, BELOW: Ten, nine...
Eight...
BOTH: ..seven, six, five,
four, three, two, one!
CROWD CHEERS
Happy New Year!
FIREWORKS EXPLODE
Shit!
Hilary, it's all right!
Aww! Beautiful.
ROMESH: That looks... That looks unbelievable.
That looks SO good.
It was unbelievable. It was.
It does look so good. Were you saying then that those fireworks
were real? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they went off in the same order every single take.
Those fireworks are good!
Micheal, obviously we know you from Top Boy,
and you were so good in Lovers Rock as part of the Small Axe series,
but what was it like going, you know,
toe-to-toe with Dame Olivia Colman?
I wouldn't say toe-to-toe. Oh!
But I would say it was an amazing experience.
I just learned so much, man.
To be able to, you know, even share the same space as actors that
I've got the opportunity to do that with, it was just amazing.
I learned so much about just being a real person, you know?
Everyone just had a real sense of humanity, which I love,
because, I like to say is if Olivia had been, you know,
rude or just not a nice person, I might have thought that's how
I need to be to reach a certain level of success, you know?
That's what I'VE done.
That's the model I follow.
Just be an absolute nuclear-level prick.
Well, that's the words I WANTED to use, but...
The fact that Olivia was so lovely, you know, it showed me
that I can be a good person and reach that height of success.
That's nice! Yeah. Thank you.
Pay me later. And, Olivia, I mean nothing rude by this,
but there is an age difference.
Is there?! What you trying to say?!
How much older are you, Micheal?
That's very good. Love you. You win the prize.
Now we feel like shits that we all didn't say that.
Oh, Romesh!
Were you ever aware of the age difference, Olivia?
I was. One...
There was one particular moment where I'm
astride Micheal in a compromising
and slightly embarrassing situation -
I found it embarrassing, you were very cool with everything -
AND he said, "It's my mum's birthday today." I went "Oh, yay!
"How old is she?!"
"43."
I went, "OK, Micheal, stop talking. Sh."
Yeah. I'm quite a chunk older than his mother.
And now, here's the thing, you had the intimacy coordinator involved.
Was that...? What is that like,
dealing with the intimacy coordinator? A third person?
She was amazing. Yeah, I found it really amazing,
and really helpful. Yeah. Truly.
I'd like one in real life, frankly.
That sounds absolutely fantastic.
Just to help you through? It does help. Yeah.
Because it's embarrassing, isn't it?
Trying to do a sex scene and there's a load of bored people
with wet weather gear holding up booms or texting on their phone.
And I found...
One note she gave, which was very helpful,
which you can all try in an awkward moment
when you're not feeling it...
I was totally feeling it, that's not...
Is when... An orgasm, feel like the sun is hitting your face...
Mm. Squinting? You're going...
Oh, I thought you were just going to go like that!
Like that! Oh!
I've come!
That was the best, yeah.
Argh!
It's family viewing on BBC One, stop it.
Talking of kissing at midnight, which is a lovely thing to
do on New Year's Eve, and we look at the audience here - hello, audience.
I think what we need is some New Year's Eve kiss cams, OK?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo!
So can we see, we've got a kiss cam, it'll go up on the big screen,
you can see it here.
So we're just looking for people who... Oh, look, there's...
Oh! Oh!
He looked and he was rejected!
I like all the women just shaking their heads!
"No." There, the woman in the green...
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
CHEERING
Well done!
Let's keep drifting, let's keep drifting,
see who else we get. Oh, there's... Now, look.
You look hopeful, the lady in the glasses looks really hopeful.
She's looking at him, thinking, "Will he?"
They're going to kiss! They're going to kiss! Where? Oh, oh, oh!
CHEERING
Any more for any more? Are there any people here on dates?
Any people here on dates? Let's see if we can see some people on dates.
They were on a date!
That man in the beanie hat,
the man in the beanie hat, he wants to...?
No? Yes? No? Yes?
It's Justin Timberlake!
It is! Are you and the lady...? I'm getting that's an early date?
Is this an early date? First date!
Oh, we can't... No, no! Move on, move on!
Well done, well done. Seal the deal! Seal the deal! Seal the deal!
No, no, no, no! No! Don't kiss!
CHEERING
He's gassed. He is gassed.
Well done, well done.
Actually, by the way, Romesh, what's the story with you?
Did you get caught on a kiss cam,
or a kiss cam got you in trouble or something?
Well, I did get caught, basically...
Basically a photo went up and somebody started saying,
"I've just seen you not kissing your wife, kissing someone else."
That is not me.
That is some random guy at the cricket. I think that's you.
But, listen, my wife thought it was me for about half an hour.
Basically, that photo, that guy just proposed at the cricket final,
and then I just started getting sent that photo going,
"Oh, mate, you're rolling deep at the cricket."
And then I had to basically come out with this denial that it wasn't me.
I get that so many... Like, so many...
Basically every Asian bloke in this country with a beard
and glasses is my lookalike.
I get sent so many messages from people.
Now, Hugh Laurie has a great family film for the holidays,
it's called The Amazing Maurice.
It's in cinemas and on Sky Cinema now.
And you are Maurice?
And I'm amazing. Yeah.
Yes, I am.
Who's Maurice? I am playing that, um, ginger cat.
That is The Amazing Maurice. And that's...me.
And what makes him amazing?
I'm going to keep going.
I want to know more!
This is Terry Pratchett's retelling of the Pied Piper Of Hamelin story.
That's basically what it is.
A town becomes infested by rats and the amazing Maurice
and his lovely rats
get the town out of the jam they're in.
And he's a conniver and a deal-maker
and he... Oh, he gets up to no end of mischief!
LAUGHTER
And it was lovely. I loved doing it. I think it's t...
And the animation is astounding.
And I think I look really handsome in it.
You do. You look great.
I must say they are really nice rats.
We've got a little clip.
This is Maurice... "Maw-reece". "Mo-reece."
That's the great schism, Graham. I don't know.
Maurice. I don't really know how you say that. Nor me.
Here you are in action, selling your services to some villagers.
Rats. You've got rats. Rats.
# Nibbling here, napping there They widdle on your tableware
# You try to poison, trap and shoot them
# Race and chase and stomp and thump them
# They leap with marvellous agility
# No beast can match their sheer... #
Um, er...
# ..adaptability? # Buck-uck!
# Rats
# Rats, rats
# You've! Got! Rats!
# Rats. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Beautiful work. Beautiful work.
And although you are a very convincing cat... Thank you.
..you're not a cat man, really.
I'm not, no. I don't know how cats work.
I'm more of a dog person.
And I also slightly resent, if I may say,
the very slight air of superiority that cat owners have
over dog owners, because they think that dog owners,
like dogs, are needy and submissive, and cats are kind of,
you know, independent and free thinkers, you know,
"Therefore I am too." It's the sort of thing they...
I don't go along with that. I think the neediness
between dogs and humans is a very beautiful thing.
I've got nothing against cats, but independence - saying,
"I love cats for their independence"...
I mean, a stick's independent.
On its own, it's not a great recommendation, I don't think.
We had a cat called Morris. You have a cat?
No, he died. He was 21 when he died.
But he never liked us. That's amazing. Yes. He never liked us.
It was called Morris. Not Maurice. You said Morris. It was M-O-R-R-I-S.
Morris. Oh, yes, yes. You had a cat called Morris.
He never liked us. He never?
This is what I don't understand. 21 years.
This is what I'm saying. This is what I'm saying.
But did you enjoy having him as a pet?
When we got, we adored him,
and I loved him for his full 21 years.
But it was very clear that he didn't really give a shit.
Not reciprocated. He got old and he decided he didn't want to go outside
so he'd just look you in the eye and piss.
Oh! He'd go, "Look at me, look at me." And then he'd piss.
This film, is it one of those films where there's jokes for adults
and anyone can watch it? Absolutely.
I would say...it's fun for all the fam... There you go!
It's utterly charming. And, as I say, the animation is astounding.
And it's really good fun.
It's... I'm very proud of it.
Cos, taking your kids to the cinema, I'm sure some parents don't like to,
but you like taking your kids to the cinema.
I LOVE taking my kids to the cinema, yes.
It's like our regular family thing.
But it's sort of difficult sometimes.
Our second son is very strong-willed.
I do like to encourage that. Do you call him Second Son?
LAUGHTER
I do actually.
I call him Second Son Possibly
cos my wife had a thing with her PT for a while.
LAUGHTER
I... Like, basically we were going to watch Coco...
I love that film. We were all going together and he said,
"I don't want to watch Coco, I don't want to come and watch Coco."
I said, "I'm really sorry, that's not an option
"because we are all going to the cinema and we got nobody
"to look after you so we can't leave you here on your own,
"so you're going to have to come to the cinema."
He goes, "I'm not watching the film." I said, "That's up to you,
"but you are coming to the cinema
"and we are going into the theatre. That is the situation."
So we went into the cinema and he,
for the entire duration of the film,
sat facing away from the screen.
No! That's impressive.
He said, "I'm not watching Coco. I said, "That's up to you,
"but you're here, it's a really great film."
And he faced the back of the theatre for the entire duration of the film.
This boy is going to go far. Do you know what? I respected it, man.
I thought, fair play.
LAUGHTER I'm just thinking about the person
in the row behind having an angry child staring at them throughout.
Every now and again, I'd turn round and go,
"Why do you keep looking at my kid, man?"
APPLAUSE
But he did it for the whole film.
He's watched it all since, he enjoyed it. That's good.
Hugh Laurie, we must also mention
Avenue 5 is back. That's...
APPLAUSE Yes.
..playing on Sky Comedy. This is the second series.
That's right. The long-awaited second series. Yes.
Well, long enforced, but long-awaited, yes.
The secret is now out that you're not a real captain. We know that...
Not a real captain, not a real American, not a real anything.
Much like my life.
But it is an acting challenge
cos you've got to be British pretending to be American. Yes.
You've ruined it now. I haven't seen the first series.
Sorry. Spoiler alert. It's been lying on the streamer for two years.
Yeah. So... If you were keen you'd have seen it by now. Right.
Olivia Colman, brackets, "Not keen".
LAUGHTER
But it must be quite a challenge for you to do that.
It's also a bit of an escape route because if you mess something up
and it doesn't sound right, you've always got the excuse of saying,
"I'm not really... That's the whole point, I'm not really
"an American. That was a deliberate mistake that I put in there."
Which I didn't, at all.
So I found that actually easier than doing House,
for example, which I just felt like it had to be right.
Yeah. Cos it would get in the way if it wasn't right.
Were you able to get to a point where...? Cos I...
Getting my head round being able to do so many scenes
with a different accent, do you just get to a point
where you're naturally able to perform that?
Never. Not one day, not one scene. No.
Cos you lived there for a long time. And with everybody
being American around you, did it help to make it more comfortable?
No.
I still felt every scene it was like just trying to walk with everybody,
and you're the one with a stone in your shoe
and everyone else is just floating along and you are always going,
"That didn't sound right. That didn't sound right." Wow.
I went for an addition for the film The Martian,
just for like playing guy at computer terminal,
wondering why the spaceship didn't...
Second guy... Yeah. Yeah.
I went to the casting and I walked in and they said, "OK, Romesh,
"nice to meet you."
I said, "Would you like me to do it American or British?"
They said, "Let's do American." I hadn't prepared American.
I don't know why I'd offered it.
In my head, I thought they'll definitely say British,
but it looks like I've got the other option.
They said, "Let's do American."
I was like, "Oh."
So then I had to sort of freestyle this American accent,
and the casting director started corpsing
as I was doing...
No? Yes, genuinely. No!
So, she was behind the camera, filming... No.
As I was doing it she was...
COUGHING No! Don't!
Then I finish, she goes, "Do you want to have another go?"
I said, "If you can stop laughing, I'll have another go."
I did it a second time and I said, "I don't think I'll bother
"doing the British. See you later."
But, Micheal, Top Boy, big hit here, but also loved in America.
MICHEAL: Yes. And they love your voice in that show.
How do YOU know that?
Because somebody told me. Oh.
From the reception I've received, yeah, they like it.
But do Americans try to do it to you? All the time.
It is what it is.
I'd rather them do that than do a posh British accent every time
they see me, cos I don't speak like that, you know what I mean?
So the fact that they actually try and say,
"Bruv" and, "Where's your P's, fam?"
I'd rather them at least give it a go.
Yeah. Didn't you meet a celebrity fan of Top Boy? Yes.
I've met a lot of celebrity fans but one more memorable was Busta Rhymes,
that was incredible. OLIVIA GASPS
In New York. Because he was just such a big fan.
But I'm just like, "Yo, that's..."
# I gotta get away, gotta... #
I couldn't believe he was just right in front of me and he was showing me
so much love, but... Yeah, man, they love it. The love the culture.
What I realised then was that the culture is so universal,
like not even just the American stuff, going Italy,
Italy was the first place I travelled to after the show came out
and I had fans on the plane. I was thinking, "Wow, this is insane."
Are you dubbed in Italian? Yes.
Does it sound amazing? But some people still watch it
with the subtitles here.
I love it. We did... Broadchurch was dubbed in different languages.
I loved watching it. I love it. I love watching it in Somali.
You sound amazing in a different language.
I like watching the Somali clips of it. It's really different.
It's so cool.
I wish you had a clip of that. Sadly, we don't.
But huge congratulations on that.
You have a Bafta. Yes. Yes, you do. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
There he is.
I say YOU have a Bafta, but that's not strictly true.
It's definitely not true. Who has your Bafta? My mum.
I never really had a choice in that matter, though.
She put it somewhere and now it's hers.
I don't actually have that Bafta any more.
You have to win another one. Yes.
I need another one. Hopefully for Empire Of Light.
Put it out in the world. Ferrari. Bafta.
You've had a similar situation with your Bafta, haven't you, Romesh?
Yeah, you've made me look pretty bad though, because I'd got a Bafta.
My mum phoned me up and said, "Can I come round and see the Bafta?"
And I said, "Yeah, of course."
Part of her New Year's resolution.
She came round and she took a photo with the Bafta
and then she went home.
There she is.
You'd almost think SHE'D won.
And then she went home and she posted it on Facebook.
But the caption said, "I asked him if he could give it to me
"and he said no." Which is not true. She never asked me.
Then all these friends of hers started going, "I think
"that's absolutely disgusting. You brought him into this world.
"I can't believe he's not letting you support him.
"You did everything for that boy."
And I had to, like, respond to the allegations.
I ended up going back on to Facebook.
Can I just say, Mum never asked if she could take the Bafta,
and you can have it if you want to.
You're calling her a liar now.
LAUGHTER Very good.
Baftas, be damned! Oscar. Where is your Oscar, Olivia?
Where do you keep it?
It's in the cupboard.
Is there a glass front on the cupboard?
No. It feels a little bit, a bit ostentatious to have it out,
so I have it in the cupboard so I can go, "Hello."
LAUGHTER I like to think, when you open the cupboard there's a kind of...
# Ah-h-h-h! # And lights come out.
Yes. Yeah. It should be out. It was out for the first year
but I think after that you should
crack on, forget it happened and keep working.
But you do have a cool thing on display.
It's something you got from The Crown.
Tell... This is such... Did you nick it or was it given to you?
Um, I think it...
LAUGHTER
Um...! It was a lovely props person
who said, "I'm not allowed to give you this. Take that."
Which was an envelope, on my first day on The Crown, which
was about the stamp thing. Yes.
There was an envelope on the desk that had...
It was to Her Majesty the Queen, and it had my face on the
stamp and I went...
SHE GASPS
They went, "Put in your bag."
So I have it. Here it is. Here is a picture of Olivia.
How great is that? Whoa! That is cool!
That is a very cool thing.
Can I have one? I only got one. Aw.
I'll give you a photocopy of it. Is that the size of a stamp?
Is that a big blow-up, so it's tiny?
Yes. No, it's that big, yes.
Oh, it's less impressive now! It's still great. Let's move on.
Romesh Ranganathan has returned to stand-up. Yes.
CHEERING
Netflix Special, The Cynic, is streaming now.
This is your first stand-up in a while.
Yes, I sort of had a special out years ago, Irrational,
and then I started doing this tour that we filmed for this.
Started it in 2019 but then obviously Covid happened
so we weren't able to perform, do any live shows, for two years.
So the tour got postponed.
So it just made the process of me touring so much longer.
So, it's been a long time since I've had a special out. Yes.
And it's not just Covid that happened.
Here's a clip from The Cynic.
Stand-up has become more frightening.
Do you know what I mean?
Post-Will Smith.
LAUGHTER
Slightly trickier.
You don't know if a dickhead's going to come up and have a go.
Do you know what I mean?
People talk about racial equality at the Oscars.
Does it get much more racially equal than a black guy being allowed
to stand up, slap the shit out of somebody,
then sit down and wait to collect his Oscar?
I mean... LAUGHTER
I genuinely think the organisers of the Oscars are so white,
they were just sat there going,
"Maybe that's how they behave. Maybe that's..."
LAUGHTER
"Don't want to impinge on their culture."
APPLAUSE Very good.
Actually, we were talking earlier,
so you must have been at that Oscars.
Yeah. Did you notice it happening?
No. I've talked to other people and they didn't know what was going on.
I was in the bar. LAUGHTER
Oscars history, and I was in the bar.
We came back. There was a whole load of us. We came back
and there was a really weird atmosphere and went...
"What? What happened?"
"Google it. Google it."
Couldn't believe it. We spent the rest of the Oscars going,
"Fucking hell, can't believe we missed that."
LAUGHTER
Listen, we must also mention you've got a new Sky sitcom,
the Romantic Getaway, which starts tomorrow,
New Year's Day on Sky Max and Now.
This is you and Katherine Ryan and Johnny Vegas,
and it's a great premise for a show.
Well, me and Ben Green had come up with a show.
We had this idea of... Basically the idea is that Katherine and I
are a couple and we are trying for a baby through IVF
and we've tried a round of it and we've not been successful.
But we can't afford to go through more rounds
cos it's quite expensive, and so we decide to rob our work.
We just decide to steal a load of money from work.
Johnny Vegas plays our boss,
so the very beginning of the first episode is us
just having committed the crime, and then the series
is sort of how it plays out from there,
so that was kind of the hook for the show.
So, it was... I've never written anything where...
You know, I've written sitcoms before,
where it's kind of quite gentle
and you just have kind of funny scenarios -
I've never written something that's so driven by plot.
So, those two things kind of butt up against each other.
You want it to be funny,
but also you want to drive this kind of twisty story through it.
It was amazing.
And there was no need for an intimacy coordinator
with you and Katherine?
No, because...
LAUGHTER
Basically, Katherine made it very clear
there was going to be no touching. Like, from the very beginning.
I think it almost was a deal-breaker of hers. She said...
AS KATHERINE: "I think we're the sort of couple
"that don't ever touch each other. Like, never.
"Don't kiss, don't hold hands." Just, like, completely...
You can see why I didn't get this audition.
I was... I was thinking it. We were all thinking it!
No, no, no, I was there.
It was right in front of my eyes, I could see it.
She was very adamant that we weren't to touch at all.
She kept saying to me, you know,
"I just think, you're Romesh and I'm Katherine,
"and I don't think people want to see us kiss,"
and what she meant was,
"I don't want to kiss you." That was the truth of it.
So, if you're hoping to see Katherine and I getting...
I think there's a 45-second scene
where she's leaning her head against my shoulder while we're on the sofa,
that's as hot as it gets, basically. Very good!
APPLAUSE Good luck with that -
and a reminder that The Cynic is streaming now on Netflix.
OK, right, it is time to move on.
My next guest provided a feel-good highlight of 2022,
when she captained England's Lionesses to victory in the Euros.
Please welcome Leah Williamson!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Woo!
Hello! Hello!
So lovely to see you. Mwah, mwah.
Have a seat, do!
There you go.
Oh! Now, I don't know - have you met any of these people before?
Met her last night. Oh, you've met, OK. Ah!
Not like that, no, we just met last night. No...
Sit down, sit down! It's like
we're awkward at a party, we're all just...
So, you've met before in life? Yes. Just literally last night.
Well, a few nights ago, because it's New Year's.
Oh, yeah. AGES ago.
A couple of months ago. Yeah! You met ages ago.
It was at the GQ Men Of The Year Awards, and Leah got an honouree.
I did, yeah. And then we danced the night away. Yeah!
Basically. It was a great night. Whoo! Yeah, good, really nice.
Were you there, Hugh?
I was not. No.
Not this year, no, no.
No, nor I. Romesh, were you there this year?
No, I didn't even know that was a thing.
It was great, it was great. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I'm an Arsenal fan, so... You are an Arsenal fan?
Massive, yeah. Yeah, yeah, massive Arsenal fan.
Arsenal fan? Yes.
LAUGHTER No, seriously! I am, yeah.
Oh, are you really? I am, yeah, I am. Absolutely.
I didn't know. I can befriend you.
How come you didn't shake MY hand when I said I was an Arsenal fan?
You didn't offer it.
No, it's all right... Yeah, Arsenal, man! There we go!
Intimacy coordinator, well done. Very good.
You know what you're doing.
Now, look, it hasn't been the greatest of years,
so a huge thank you to you, Leah, for cheering the nation up.
Yeah. AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo!
I know! APPLAUSE
Winning the Euros, so, that amazing night, you win,
and because we are so bred for disappointment,
even when you got to the final, people were sort of thinking,
"Yeah, but they won't win it. They'll come second, right?"
Yeah. So, the tension - you are the captain,
what are you saying in the dressing room?
What is your pep talk to the team right before you go out?
So, I did the music throughout the tournament, so, pre-match,
on the bus, in the changing room,
so I just let that do the talking, really.
I didn't say anything. I can't claim any... You did the playlist?
Yeah, yeah. Oh, cool! Yeah.
So, what should we listen to to win? What do winners listen to?
Oh, it's a real range, actually, but one of the main songs
that, you know, timing's everything,
wait till the most people are in the changing room,
we had ABBA, Does Your Mother Know?
Which is surprising... Can you sing it? ..like, the gasp from everybody!
LAUGHTER Can I sing it? Yeah.
Um, no.
I'm a footballer, not a singer, not a singer.
But - and you didn't say anything?
I think I might have said, "Come on, girls!"
LAUGHTER
Something along those lines. It's not like the movies, is it?
When they make the movie of this, you will say something.
Not, "Good luck, girls!"
No, no, it was low-key. It was low-key. Everybody was ready.
Was that because you didn't want to kind of hype people up
and get them too overexcited? I think so.
I think, when you get to that stage, I know it's the most important game,
but it almost - you have to strip it all away and just be like...
We've given our lives to get to this one moment,
why would we go out and not enjoy it?
Yeah. So, more about that than anything else.
And I guess it's that thing, because it's the thing you dream,
you went into this contest dreaming of winning it... Yeah.
..and then you did,
was it what you'd hoped, did it feel the way you hoped it would?
Everything and more. Honestly.
I hope I never, ever lose that feeling.
Like, I want to relive it. I relive it over and over.
You're making me emotional!
No, I was bawling on the pitch,
so I don't even want to get too deep in case I go back to that.
My brother says I have the ugliest crying face ever, so...
LAUGHTER That's nice of him!
The loveliest thing about your story, Leah, is that, in a way,
you are kind of living your mother's dream. Is that right?
Yeah, I'd say so.
She'd never say that out loud, she's way too hard-faced for that,
but she started out playing football, she played everything,
she's one of those annoying people that's just good at everything.
Yeah. But, yeah, she used to play football,
and, you know, I'm now following in those footsteps.
But when she was a little girl, it wasn't that easy. No, no, no.
She had to pretend to be a boy,
so she would sign into a team under a boy's name,
and eventually, because the girl was good, a parent would rat her out,
or, you know, tell tales, and... Wow. ..she'd be banned,
so then she'd have to either find a new team, or...
I don't know, I've never asked the next part of the story,
we leave it at that bit, which is... Yeah.
Well, we've got a picture of her as a little girl.
She's going to hate me!
But, like, it is convincing, little boy. You can imagine that...
LAUGHTER
She got a perm... Well, it is, isn't it?
No, because you're kind of thinking, "Were the little boys idiots?"
But, yeah, that's convincing.
Yeah, well, she kept her hair short,
she was, you know, what we'd call a tomboy. Yeah.
She literally did everything, all sports, always doing something.
So, it fit. Because - when was the ban on women's football lifted?
1971.
I think. That is nuts, isn't it? Or '72.
So, before that, I mean, obviously,
little girls could kick a ball in a garden,
but they couldn't play league or anything like that. Yeah, it was...
Forgive my ignorance, a ban... Yeah. ..on women playing football?
Yeah, so, during the war, the First World War,
the women started playing, and they were really, really successful...
Didn't they have as many spectators as the men's games?
Yeah, 100,000 people... I'd heard this.
Yeah - Dick, Kerr Ladies. Incredible. What happened?
Yeah, so, basically, when the men got back...
Would we call it jealousy, or they were a little bit threatened,
that maybe the women's would be such a success,
so the FA decided to ban it. Ban? Ban it.
And 50 years, it was in place. That's amazing.
You should make a movie about it.
Yeah, but I'd have to play a very old coach.
LAUGHTER
Run around...
I'll do that for you.
Thank you! It's a deal.
Also, because the thing is, so, being a footballer,
it's lots of people's dream, but it was YOUR dream, Micheal.
You wanted to be a footballer. Yes, I did. Yeah!
But a lot of people did, and, you know, it's... It's fine.
Basically, yes, I did want to be a footballer.
I'm over it, I'm over it! Yes, I'm over it.
I basically just realised, it came to me when I was 16 years old
and I just realised, you know, I am not going to be the best at this,
and I just like to feel like, you know,
I'm the best at what I do, you know? Yeah. My friend's actually here
who's a professional footballer, as well,
so I have been living my dream, you know, vicariously through him.
His name is Rhian Brewster.
He used to play for Liverpool, now he plays for Sheffield.
APPLAUSE But he's injured at the moment.
There he is! So, he's hopping around with crutches just to be here.
No, no, can I just say, he MUST be a successful footballer,
cos I saw him backstage, and I thought, "I recognise him!"
Yeah, that's famous.
If I know who they are, yeah.
So, it's great that, you know, kind of from an early age,
cos he was playing for Chelsea from very young,
he started playing for Liverpool from very young,
so I kind of was just living that dream through him immediately,
you know? Then I just decided to go into modelling and then acting.
Yeah. So, I'm happy I'm here. Look at you now. Yeah! Yeah.
He's sat there insured, not doing anything. Yeah!
Screw him! Screw him!
Actually, football, then, it sort of, did it...it ended your career?
Yeah, well, I used to be a teacher before I did stand-up,
and I was head of sixth form for a while,
and every year we would do a sixth form versus teachers football match,
and I would describe my levels of coordination as subhuman.
LAUGHTER
So, what happened was, is that they said to me, like,
"You're the head of sixth form, can you play in the game?"
I said, "Look, I'm so bad, man, it's like... I just don't want to."
As they said, "Look, come on, just be a sub,
"and you don't have to come on, but it just shows
"that you're taking part and being part of the thing,"
so I said, "Look, OK, I'll be a sub,"
so I sat, you know, even in the kit I looked horrendous,
and I sat by the side of the pitch, the game was going back and forth,
it was like a good game,
and then I think we were, like, 1-0 down or something,
maybe 2-1 down or something, and the guy playing up front,
the PE teacher, he went off injured, and I was like, "Oh, no."
I was just like, "How has there been an injury
"in a staff versus sixth formers game?"
Didn't even think this could happen.
He was like, "Come on, Rang-ers, come on, come on!"
So, I went on and I was just like, "Oh, please, let this be over."
I was just like, "It's so horrible."
And, like, they all - it was such a big event at the school,
there's so many, like, parents, kids, like, loads of people there.
Basically, we were sort of - I just thought,
"Let me just get this done and I can just leave,
"and hopefully it'll be all right,"
and then one of the other PE staff was, like, tearing up the wing,
and I was up front, so, I came on upfront,
and I was, like, in the box,
and they just left me completely unmarked,
cos essentially it's like you've got a wildebeest playing,
you don't need to mark them, do you know what I mean?
Then suddenly I was just there, completely unmarked,
and the teacher crossed into me, and I was like two yards out,
and as the ball came into me,
I just thought, "What are you going to do to celebrate?"
Wow.
And then I spannered it so far over the goal,
it was more difficult to miss than score.
And then the chants, I will never forget it. Oh, no!
"Rang-ers is rubbish! Rang-ers is rubbish!
"You don't know what you're doing! Get out of sixth form!"
And I did, shortly after.
APPLAUSE
Hugh Laurie, you may not remember this,
but back in the Fry And Laurie days,
you did a great sketch about a kids' football coach.
Do you remember this?
Oh, the teaching kids how to...?
Yeah. Yeah! We've got it, we've got it.
Oh, good. Let's... Here is Hugh Laurie
teaching children how to play football.
Right, now, listen!
OK, now, football is a very simple game. What is it?
ALL: A very simple game.
Right, now, what is the object of the game of football?
To run into the box and fall over.
Run into the box and fall over.
OK, let's try that now.
One at a time. Ricky, off you go.
BLOWS WHISTLE
What I'm really trying to do here
is to teach fundamental footballing skills
at the earliest possible age.
I've actually started teaching my eight-month-old son,
and I've got to say, he's a natural.
Falls over like a diamond.
Now, listen.
A lot of you, as you go, are not getting your head back, OK?
Nice and loose in the neck.
As you get into the box, a lot of height, goes like this, OK?
And roll, and roll. OK? There we go.
Same applies for the static fall, right?
That's when you run into the box, you've forgotten to fall over,
you're just standing there, OK?
Nice and loose in the neck, and...
All right?
OK, then, limping. Two lengths of the pitch, go.
APPLAUSE
Those falls are amazing.
They're so committed, as well!
Really good falls!
Now, here's the thing, Leah, here you are,
you've brought women's football to a whole new level.
What do you think is going to happen now?
Like, the next generation, is it going to keep growing?
Do you believe there will be a moment when, you know,
women's football are getting the same financial rewards
that the men are and all that sort of stuff?
If we're being realistic, you need the same amount of people
that come through the gates at the men's games to come through ours,
so the more accessible we are, the more visible we are.
I hope, now, normally you see a bit of a rise off of a tournament,
but this feels sustainable.
This feels like people are really interested,
and genuinely - I think it's like eight million new fans
have said that they have taken an interest in the game
over the last year. And more women's games are being televised now.
Yeah, it's always on TV.
You know, when I was younger, the only game that was on telly,
and I made sure I watched it every year, was the FA Cup Final,
the women's FA Cup Final,
but that was the only one that you could watch on the television.
So, now, you have a game every weekend,
big stadium, you know, we're playing in the men's stadiums,
that allows 50,000, 90,000 people to walk through the door -
and they come, so, we are proving a point.
Yeah, and, like, it will follow, won't it?
People will see that number of people and kind of think,
"Oh, let's sponsor that." Yeah.
"That looks like a good time." Yeah. "We'll go there, as well." Yeah.
And this is phenomenal - the Lionesses,
you finished the year unbeaten.
Yeah. Yeah, congratulations on that.
APPLAUSE
But, of course, next year, 2023,
World Cup, Australia and New Zealand, you're off. Yeah.
Are you the ones to beat, presumably?
I suppose so. I think there's a few other teams, as well,
but you win something, then you have a target on your back. So... Yeah.
We're up there, we're up there.
Do you have a song for that, or a pep talk at all?
"Come on, girls!"
Maybe it'll work again!
"Remember what I said. Come on!"
I'll work on it. I've got a year, I've got a year.
Yeah, if you want the movie deal -
no-one's buying tickets for, "Come on."
Bring me back next year, I'll tell you in person!
You'll be like, "Yes, come on, da-da-da."
Well, listen, good luck with that... Thank you.
..and thank you so much for bringing joy into a pretty bleak 2022.
Leah Williamson, everybody!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Very good.
Right, it is time for a really special musical treat.
One of the cultural hits of the year
has been the revival of Cabaret at the Kit Kat Club in the West End.
Now starring Callum Scott Howells as Emcee...
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo!
..and Madeline Brewer as Sally Bowles.
Please welcome the cast of Cabaret! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
DRUM ROLL
MUSIC: Willkommen
# Willkommen! Bienvenue! Welcome!
# Fremder, etranger, stranger
# Glucklich zu sehen
# Je suis enchante... #
Oh!
# Happy to see you
# Bleibe, reste, stay
# Willkommen! Bienvenue! Welcome!
# Im cabaret, au cabaret, to cabaret! #
Leave your troubles outside.
So life is disappointing? Forget it!
We have no troubles here.
Here, life is beautiful.
The girls are beautiful.
Even the orchestra is beautiful!
# Willkommen! Bienvenue! Welcome!
# Im cabaret, au cabaret to cabaret! #
And now, presenting the toast of Mayfair -
Fraulein Sally Bowles!
MUSIC: Don't Tell Mama
# Mama
# Thinks I'm living in a convent
# A secluded little convent
# In the southern part of France
# Mama
# Doesn't even have an inkling
# That I'm working in a nightclub
# In a pair of lacy pants
# So, please, sir
# If you run into my mama
# Don't reveal my indiscretion
# Give a working girl a chance
# Ha, ha, ha!
# Hush up
# Don't tell Mama
# Shush up
# Don't tell Mama
# Don't tell Mama, whatever you do
# If you had a secret
# You bet I would keep it
# I would never tell on you
# I'm breaking every promise that I gave her
# So won't you kindly do a girl a great big favour?
# And, please, my sweet patater
# Keep this from the mater
# Though I'm still as pure as mountain snow
# You can tell my papa that's all right
# Cos he comes in here every night
# But don't tell Mama what you know!
# You can tell my brother
# That ain't grim
# Cos if he squeals on me I'll squeal on him
# But don't tell Mama, bitte
# Don't tell Mama, please, sir
# Don't tell Mama what you know
# Shhh!
# If you see my mummy
# Mum's the word! #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
The cast of Cabaret, the band,
Callum Scott Howells and Madeline Brewer!
How fun was that?!
Callum, Madeline, come on over, do!
Over to the sofa? Here you go!
Hooray! Get ready, here comes Callum Scott Howells and Madeline Brewer!
Beautiful. Thank you very much.
Thank you so much!
Have a seat, do. Oh, oh!
Oh, hats! Hats, hats for people!
The party's arrived.
They're really expensive. Why? They're very expensive.
I've got two here. You've got two.
I've got two. There you go!
There you go, you can have that one back. Sit, sit, sit.
Right... Do we HAVE to put these on?
No. Oh, I will! LAUGHTER
I like Micheal going, "Do I HAVE to put this on?"
I went, "No, no, you don't."
Thank you so much for that!
That's the spirit, Micheal. Yeah, there you go, there you go!
Happy New Year! Happy New Year.
Now, Madeline, how are you?
Because this is kind of holiday season far from home for you.
Yeah, my family has come in, so that's nice.
Is this your mother, who's been to see the show
about a gazillion times? Four times! She came...
She was here for a week and she saw the show four times. Aww. Yeah. Wow.
That's impressive. That's just a stage mom for you.
My mother... My mother is in the audience. How many times
have you been? And you live in Wales!
LAUGHTER
Once! Once.
We're getting there, we're getting there.
Now, Callum, I first met you on Let It Shine,
the Gary Barlow musical thing... Yeah.
..and you love a competition, because then you were in
Britain's Got Talent, weren't you?
Yes! And you made it to the final!
With a choir - I wasn't on my own in Britain's Got Talent.
Yeah, you are in a choir.
You made it to the final. Yeah, yeah. Who beat you?
A dog. Pudsey the dog.
LAUGHTER Of course, of course! But very good.
A very good dog. Very good dog.
But apparently the dog's dead now. ALL: Aww.
Way to bring us down. You can't...! Sorry, sorry!
Happy New Year! Wow.
2022, the year that keeps on giving. LAUGHTER
The final moments of 2022 - "That dog's dead."
Oh, my God!
Don't cry, Olivia, don't cry. Oh...!
This chat is a lot darker than I thought it was going to be.
So, here's the thing, you're in this West End hit,
with the back of these amazing TV shows,
so, Madeline, obviously, Handmaid's Tale...
APPLAUSE Yes!
Is that winding to a close now?
We have one more season. We have a sixth and final season.
So, that will be out probably sometime in 2024.
Oh, so you haven't filmed that yet? No, no.
Do you know what's going to happen at the end? I have no idea.
At the end of season - spoiler, but..
I mean, I'm like a cat with nine lives.
They just keep, like, dangling death in front of me.
Sorry, we're being so dark. Dangling...
But unlike Pudsey, you lived. ..they never deliver.
Oh, my God!
And, Callum, It's A Sin, hello!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
But, like, because your character is so lovely in that,
do people... I mean, do people want to kind of like hug you and things
when they see you?
It's quite funny, like, one of the first times,
like, it ever happened, when the show come out, like, my dog,
which is alive, he is alive - that's good news!
Yeah! APPLAUSE
That's not as nice as he's making out.
Pudsey's dead, but my dog's alive.
Yeah! Sorry, Pudsey. Sorry, Pudsey.
So, you were out with your living dog.
I was out with my living dog, and he was doing a poo behind a tree,
and some woman sort of saw me behind the tree and was like, "Colin!"
It was just sort of, yeah, these moments are very funny,
because he was doing a little poo.
LAUGHTER
Now, the two of you,
you've got another month to go, is that right? Yeah. Yeah.
But the show is booking right through till, I think, this time
next year? You won't see us in it then, but, you know... I know.
Come and see the other cast, for sure!
It's a brilliant show! We love...
Like, the show is amazing, and we feel very lucky to be a part of it.
Well, we feel very lucky to have seen that performance.
Thank you so much for coming into the studio and doing that for us.
A real treat. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Callum, Madeline and the whole cast of Cabaret!
Very good!
Right, that is nearly it, but before we go,
just time for a New Year's Eve visit to the big red chair.
Yay! Hello. Hello.
Hi, what's your name? Sally.
Sally! Lovely, Sally - and where are you from?
Victoria, Canada. Oh! You're from Canada.
Canada, oh, Canada. Canada.
Are you visiting here, Sally, or...? Yes.
Oh... Here visiting family.
OK, you're just on your holidays? Yes.
Oh, good, well, welcome. Welcome, welcome, welcome.
Graham, you won't flip HER, will you?
Well, we'll see. She's...
She seems so sweet, you can't... Sally is lovely.
Yeah, but... Flipping people doesn't mean I don't like them.
I know, but you CAN'T flip her!
Sally. Yes?
Romesh is challenging me to flip you.
I hear that!
No, off you go with your story, Sally.
Well, this happened a long time ago, when I was a nursing student,
and I had a patient, and about a couple of weeks later
I was in a pub with all my friends and there was this fellow
who was sitting at a table with all his friends,
and he comes to me, "Sally! How are you?"
And I look at him and it doesn't click who he is,
and I look at him, and then I blurt out, "Oh, sorry,
"I didn't recognise you with your clothes on!"
LAUGHTER
Romesh gave me permission.
I wanted more.
Romesh made me do that.
Lovely Sally - I can't believe you made me do that to Sally!
But that was... You can't... She's a nurse.
I'm sorry. She was so lovely, she's sweet.
No, but, you know, you're sweet, but you've got to go.
That was dreadful.
Let's have another one. Why not, why not?
OK, here we go. Hello! Hello.
Hi, what's your name? Andy.
Andy, OK. Andy looks keen, he's confident. Where are you from, Andy?
North London. North London, and what you do, Andy?
I'm an accountant. An accountant.
You see, you went for quite a dull job, there, and...
No sympathy for that at all. Oh, God!
He should have gone with charity worker, but no.
He went for accountant.
Off you go with your story, Andy.
OK, so, back in my younger days, when I was 17, 18,
we would go out quite a bit, me and my pal Mario, most of the time,
and we'd come back four or five o'clock in the morning.
And every Sunday morning Mario would always turn up at my parents' house
at nine o'clock in the morning,
and my mum or dad would open up the door,
he would run up the stairs, run in to my bedroom
and he would wake me up in the most distressful manner.
I mean, he would give me hits to the head, he would grab my buttocks,
he would say his favourite phrase, "Do you like that, Andy?
"You like that, don't you?"
Just in the most distressful manner you could imagine.
Anyway, one day, we go out on a Saturday night,
it's the usual, Sunday morning,
he's there, nine o'clock in the morning,
my mum's opened the door for him,
he's run straight upstairs and I've kind of heard him now.
He's run straight into the room and he's started his antics,
he's giving hits to the head, he's grabbing buttocks,
he's saying, "Do you like that, do you like that?
"You know you like that!"
Anyway, I'm at the door now, and he's looked round,
and he's like, his face has dropped.
He's like, "Wait a minute,
"if you're standing at the door then who's under the covers?"
So, my mum's friend was visiting from abroad...
LAUGHTER
..and...and all you see is her head pop up, and her head is dishevelled,
as you can imagine, and... Yeah, that was the...
Stop your story and walk! Walk, walk! Go, go, go! Walk! Yay!
APPLAUSE
Well done!
OK, that really is all we've got time for.
If you'd like to have a go in the red chair
and tell your story, you can, just contact us
via our website at this very address.
Please say a huge New Year's Eve thank you to all of my guests,
Madeline Brewer!
Callum Scott Howells!
Romesh Ranganathan!
Hugh Laurie!
Micheal Ward!
Olivia Colman!
And Leah Williamson!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We will be back on Friday the 6th of January.
Till then, have a very happy New Year. Goodnight, everybody, bye-bye!