Chuck S02E05 Chuck Versus Tom Sawyer (VO)
Stu Brewster here.
I'd like you all to meet Jeffery Barnes, the new "Missile Command" world champ.
Thanks for joining us, Jeff.
My pleasure, Stu.
Now, Jeff, you've dedicated the last three years of your life...
...to playing "Missile Command."
You've managed to take a video game...
...and raise it to a level that can only be described as an art form.
So let me ask the question on everybody's mind:
What's next for Jeff Barnes?
What's next? Uh...
I hadn't really, uh... Heh.
How can I make up my mind when I got so many tasty options?
I've got so many tasty options.
Jeff, please.
There you go, buddy.
Score.
Powwow on the sales floor.
One of you idiots better light a fire under Bartowski.
He's late.
Aren't you forgetting something?
It's only the most important meal of the day, bud.
Of course, ha, ha.
Breakfast.
Thanks.
- What is that? What did I just drink? - Ginseng protein shake.
Been used thousands of years in the east to promote yang energy.
And let me tell you, brother. It does wonders for your wang energy.
- Great, thanks. - Hey, where were you last night?
We heard you come stomping in at 4 in the morning.
Yeah, oh, yeah. It was a crazy night, heh.
Morgan and I stole a car and then we drove around...
...shaking down liquor stores and smacking around hookers.
Relax. It's a video game.
Oh, good. Video games.
Ellie, what's one night of blowing off steam?
One nights have a way of adding up. What's cool when you're in college...
We're just wondering, what happened to all your big plans, bro?
All that talk about backpacking across Europe or finishing your college classes?
I just have a lot on my plate at this precise moment.
Like what, precisely?
Chuck, we were happy when you decided not to move out...
...but shouldn't your life be moving somewhere?
It's time for you people to get moving around here.
Show some initiative.
Well...
I got just the guy to help.
I'd like you to meet Emmett Milbarge.
Emmett here is an efficiency expert...
...and he's been sent by Buy More corporate to tighten your slack asses up.
Oh, thank you for your very kind words of introduction, Michael.
I'll be in my office.
Well...
It is just so nice to be here in, oh...
Burbank.
Burbank, California.
It's just a real pleasure to meet all of you in the flesh.
- Ahem. - I, personally, am looking forward...
...to spending more time here in the Buy More trenches.
Getting to know the rank and the file.
Unfortunately, my visit here isn't gonna be all be fun.
I'm gonna be interviewing you and evaluating you on your performance...
...and perhaps even trimming the fat.
So who would like to go first?
We'll just start out simple. Why do you belong at the Buy More?
I satisfy a quota. My dad's part-Indian.
The cool kind of Indian, though, not like Lester.
I used to be in management myself, so why not, uh, grease the store's cogs?
- Cogs? - Make sure they don't squeak.
If you know what I'm saying.
Why do I belong at the Buy More?
I'm gonna have to think about that. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna grab a soda.
And then... You want one? It's my treat.
I'll... I'll grab you one and I'll be back in a jiff.
I speak more than one language. Binary code.
Zero, zero, zero, one, one, zero, one.
Zero.
What would I do?
I'd just ask, "WWCD?"
- What would Chuck do? - Chuck?
The chain of command? Well, there's, like, Chuck.
And then there's, like, the rest of us.
Oh, and then there's Jeff.
Wonder what Chuck's doing now.
Who represents the Buy More ideal? Who makes the trains run on time?
Who provides your moral compass?
- Who holds the team together? - Chuck.
- Lester. No, Chuck.
- Chuck. - Well...
I'm looking forward to meeting this Chuck fella.
If he ever decides to show up.
Oh, Jeez.
- You picked a hell of a morning to be late. - Yeah, crazy night.
Lover's tryst? Say no more.
Unless you care to infuse your story with a more tawdry level of detail.
Listen, there's this efficiency guy and he's been looking for you.
If he asks, you have gallstone issues. That's a thing, right?
- Morgan. - I had to think on my feet.
This Emmett guy has been busting my...
Preconceptions. And helping me see the Buy More in a whole new...
Hey, hello. Ha-ha-ha.
This is him, Chuck.
- We finally meet, Chuck. - Hi, ha, ha.
Are you feeling all right?
No, yes.
Yes, I'm fine.
Oh, actually, on second thought.
I think my gallstones are acting up.
So...
Hi.
Know this man?
No.
No. Never seen him before in my life.
Wait. Is that one of the sweat hogs on Welcome Back Kotter?
- He's a Buy More employee. - He doesn't work in this store.
But you should check out one of our 13 convenient Southern California locations.
Hmm.
Farrokh Bulsara.
Born in the Asir province, 1974.
The past 10 years, he's been hopping between training camps...
...from Syria to Somalia.
What does a terrorist want with a nerd like Jeff?
Insightful question. That's why we have an Intersect.
We want you to approach Jeff socially.
Get to know him better and see if you can get him to open up about his past.
You want me to hang out with Jeff?
It's either that or have an agency interrogation team go to work on him.
Great. It comes down to either torturing him or torturing me.
Looks like we got a bogey.
- Sarah? - Is that my sister?
What a surprise.
Yeah, um, I was just driving around. I thought it'd be nice, uh...
I thought it'd be nice if you and I could talk without Chuck, actually.
Oh, okay.
- Ahem. - Hey...
Not polite to spy, Chuck.
I would hate it if he found out that I was going behind his back like this.
Oh, well, your secret is safe with me.
Do you know if he has any plans...?
Tonight? Uh...
Actually, I think he is hanging out with Jeff.
- Nerd Herd, creepy-serial-killer Jeff? - Yeah.
You know, I think it's time that you and I had a talk.
Hmm.
Well, hope you enjoyed your fro-yo.
Huh, yeah. I was, uh, just seeing my girlfriend.
Girlfriend? Oh. Ha-ha-ha.
I, too, have a special lady friend.
Henrietta.
She works in our Ontario branch, Accounts Payable.
- Ah. - She's a real tigress.
Well.
We've gotten our love lives out the way, perhaps you'd like to sit for our interview.
How's tomorrow? Because I'm really more of a morning person.
Well, I'll be the judge of that.
Hey, buddy. Where you going?
What'd I do?
Nothing. No.
You know, nothing. Just...
You know, we never really get the chance to talk.
How about we grab a beer?
No, thanks.
I could be enticed to grab a dozen beers, however.
- It's a date. - We can kick it at my place.
You're gonna love Roscoe. He's my ferret.
Ooh, that's...
You know what? I'm actually allergic to every member of the polecat family.
So maybe we could kick it here.
Sure.
- Hmm. - Hmm.
Following a thorough inspection of the branch...
...there seems to be no sign of intelligent life.
May I present tonight's feature entertainment.
- You made an Anna music video? - You like?
Wow.
It's really... Wow.
I know, man. Heh, she's my muse.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to slip into my drinking pants.
Look at that, ha, ha.
Abort mission, extraction required. The Intersect has been compromised.
Negative. The perimeter is secure.
I'm talking about the weirdo inside the Buy More.
I'm starting to think that there's something going on with my brother.
Oh.
Why? What do you mean?
It's just everything seemed to be moving along just fine for Chuck.
- And you had everything to do with that. - Oh, thanks, but I can't take the credit.
Then, I don't know...
...it's like... It's like he's slipping back into old-Chuck mode.
You know, no confidence, no direction.
It's the Morgan years revisited.
He went to Stanford, for God's sakes.
Did you know he's 12 credits short of graduating?
Twelve credits short of a real life.
I know that I sound like his mother.
Just tell me that I don't have anything to worry about and I will lay off.
Ha-ha-ha, pow, pow, pow.
- No! - Yes!
Pow, pow.
- Quit being such a lightweight. - Resuming dictation.
Yes, yes.
Like to report the following violation of Buy More policy:
Misappropriation of the home-theater room.
After-hours consumption of alcohol.
And lewd use of a musical montage.
Yeah.
Crazy thing happened today.
Uh, some dude came into the store looking for you.
He had this goofy old picture and everything.
Only a matter of time, I guess.
What?
You mean, you know the guy?
I'd imagine he's one of my fans.
You want to see something I've never shared with anyone?
Please don't be a porno. Please, please don't be a porno.
I'd like you all to meet Jeffrey Barnes.
The new "Missile Command" world champ.
"Missile Command"? I used to kick ass at that game.
Well, I was the best.
By breaking the all-time record...
...you've won $ 100 in quarters and a year's supply of Slim Jim's.
This prize will be presented by none other than Mr. Morimoto...
...CEO and chief engineer at Atari Games.
Dude, you are so wasted. Ha-ha-ha.
Uh.
What is it about bad guys and vans?
Okay, Chuck, party's over. Hey, hey!
I flashed. Some guy on TV, he's a video-game designer.
We have guests. Out the back door.
- What about Jeff? - What about him?
- We can't just leave him here. - He's dead weight.
- You weren't kidding. - Let's go, let's go.
If he pukes on my upholstery, he's gonna wish we left him with the terrorists.
Search the place.
Should I be worried about him?
You know, um, Chuck is, uh...
Chuck is like a duck.
Sometimes it seems like he is just gliding along...
...but beneath the surface...
...his, uh, little feet are just paddling away like crazy.
Deep down, I really think Chuck is an incredibly mature and responsible guy.
Chuck?
- Is he okay? - Yeah.
Don't worry. This guy's feeling no pain.
Here we go.
Here we go, big boy. Big boy.
What's up, ladies?
You take the brunette, I'm gonna take a crack at the blond.
Heh. This guy.
- Oh! Jeff. - I'm, uh, supposed to give this to you.
"My name is Jeff and I'm lost." Okay.
- Is that your address? - Yeah.
- We'll get you a cab. - Already have, already here.
Great. So come on, Jeff.
That was a great time last night, huh? You got smashed and passed out.
We watched and it was really awkward.
Okay. Here you go, buddy.
Get home safe.
- Chuck. - About to have one of those talks?
If I wasn't worried, last night's performance was...
- Not one of my proudest moments. - Mm-mm.
I feel like you left all those back at Stanford.
I'm sorry. I just...
You were so close to graduating.
Maybe if you just went back and finished, you could move on to the next phase.
- Lf the world were gonna end today... - I... I hear you.
I really do.
But all those goals I used to have, I still have them.
Okay.
Hey, sis.
The world's not gonna end today.
I have very reliable sources.
- Wild night, huh, buddy? - Nah.
Pretty standard Tuesday.
This is bad. This is very bad. Can't you see that we're losing them?
I'm your best friend, Jeff. No, I'm your best friend, Chuck.
Oh, isn't life grand?
Maybe we should form an alliance.
- You and me could be best friends. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude.
Let's not, uh...
Let's not panic here, okay?
- Thanks, man. Very comfortable. - Well, you know...
Sure.
Excuse me.
We need to talk.
My sister thinks I'm an idiot, I know.
Actually, we just got some fresh intel on your favorite video-game designer.
There were a few things Morimoto left out of his bio.
Yeah. The guy secretly worked for Japanese military.
In 1980, they launched Morimoto's first-generation weapon satellite.
The guy who made "Missile Command"...
...commands actual missiles? - Via satellite.
It's still up there, dormant but presumed operational.
Anyone knows how to fire that puppy up, it's Morimoto.
He's working with Farrokh and the terrorist?
He hasn't been seen in years.
But we captured this image outside Morimoto's office about an hour ago.
What about Jeff? How's he supposed to be involved in all this?
Only way to find out is to get to Atari headquarters.
Security's gonna be tight.
If we don't secure the satellite, Jeff's safety will be the least of our concerns.
So how do you wanna do this?
Guys.
I have an idea.
- Be cool, Casey. - Have you seen what I'm wearing?
Let me do the talking. These are my people.
Programmers, nerds.
Right now their network is being attacked by a particularly nasty virus.
Back at Stanford, we called it the Bartowski special.
Yeah. Real cool there, Chuck.
Gentlemen, excuse me.
- What do you want? - Heard you're having a computer problem.
Someone called. Bill, Bob? I can't remember exactly.
- A common name. - We got it covered.
- Mind if I take a peek? - Look, nerd.
Atari has more Ph.D.'s than frigging Microsoft.
Why don't you go help some old lady log onto AOL?
Ha-ha-ha, nice one. Ooh!
Plan B.
Hi.
I hear you're having a computer problem.
If I can just get onto the terminal...
...I can set off the fire alarm, crash the power, create a diversion.
Or we could just take the stairs.
Looks like Agent Walker's got the diversion pretty well covered.
She doesn't know how to fix a computer. She touches that, our cover is blown.
The CPUs have been overvolted, we may be able to ghost the drive another system.
Ha. The more elegant solution would be to flash the bios...
...and swap out the cooked CPU.
What are you guys waiting for?
Hmm.
Okay. See if I can find another way into the penthouse.
You wait here where it's safe.
This place is creepy.
So creepy.
Well, if it isn't my friend from the Buy More.
What a funny coincidence finding you here.
Yeah. It's freaking hilarious.
What a small world, right?
I got a... I got a call about a computer that was acting up here, so...
- Is this the right floor? I don't know... - You have the correct floor.
This way, please.
You know, if you're busy, I can come back another time.
Your timing was perfect.
I hope the machine doesn't give you too much trouble.
You should not be here.
Um, uh.
Mr. Morimoto?
You listening to Rush?
Too late. He took the code.
Who are they? Terrorists?
I knew I should never have hidden the numbers inside the machine.
You hid the satellite code inside a game of "Missile Command"?
Every game.
Hidden in the final board. A kill screen.
A secret level only I could achieve.
The mathematics underlying the final board are too advanced.
It's like the music of the universe.
- Ugh, hands up. - I am sorry. I cannot do that.
- What's going on here, Chuck? - Wait.
If the bad guys have the code, why are you still playing the game?
- Uh-oh. - What do you mean, uh-oh?
You're running out of time.
- Save yourselves. - Let's get out of here.
- No, no, we can't leave him. - Not this time.
- No. - Go. Run, run.
Come on, come on.
We're sorry to report Farrokh's team has the code.
And they murdered Morimoto.
That means that your duties are no longer required on this operation.
Casey, we're turning this matter over to the 30th Space Wing at Vandenberg.
Wait. You're launching an ICBM?
You think you can shoot that satellite before it shoots us?
Morimoto's satellite will be passing over California in four hours.
We shoot it down off the coast before its own missiles are armed.
The satellite falls to Earth with acceptable civilian casualties.
Wait a second. Acceptable what? I'd like to hear the bad version.
- We miss. - What happens then?
Farrokh uses Morimoto's satellite to start World War III.
Hey. What about the kill screen?
- Excuse me? - "Missile Command."
The code is hidden in every arcade game.
If we get to the kill screen, we get the code and control the satellite.
- We'll have our engineers... - No, the only way is by beating the game.
- The only person who can beat the game... - Burned to a crisp.
- I was talking about Jeff. - So was I.
Casey, you coordinate with the Air Force...
...while Mr. Bartowski pursues his contingency plan.
But I promise you, one way or another, I am bringing that satellite down.
You want me to come out of "Missile Command" retirement?
- You're serious? - Deadly.
- I don't know, man. - Come on. What's the problem?
I guess I'm just cool with resting on my laurels and whatnot.
But, Jeff, you could be the first guy to ever get to the kill screen.
Listen, it doesn't exist.
The kill screen's just a myth.
I promise you it's real. And you're the only one who can do it.
- I'm a little out of shape, mentally... - It's just a stupid video game.
That's where you're wrong, Chuck. It's more than a game.
Besides, what do you care whether I play or not?
I guess I was just really moved by what you said last night.
- Huh? - Oh, you remember.
Come on.
How you were sick and tired of busting your ass at this stupid store.
How you had this incredible gift that you couldn't wait for the world to see.
- Really? I said that? - Sure you did, Jeff.
- About "Missile Command"? - You were very compelling.
Okay, I'll do it.
- I'll play. - Buddy.
But first, I'm gonna need provisions.
I need two bottles of grape cough syrup.
One pound M&M's, no brown.
And my lucky arcade game from the Gas-N-Sip in Tarzana.
Done.
Really?
I want Anna wearing a hula skirt, fanning me with a palm frond.
- Huh? - I sweat profusely when I play.
And finally, I need a crowd. I want you to get some of my old fans back.
Come on, people who were into that game are in their 40s.
They have jobs and wives and kids...
Hey, hey, hey.
Morgan, buddy. Can you give me a hand with this?
- Why don't you ask your buddy Jeff? - Uh, he's in the break room.
We're putting together this, like, video-game-exhibition thingy today.
Jeff's gonna make a run at the all-time "Missile Command" high score.
- Whoa. - Hey, where are you going?
You two guys got it worked out.
Morgan, I desperately need your help.
If Jeff doesn't break the "Missile Command" record...
What, Chuck? World's gonna end?
All I know is I need your help, okay? I can't do this without you. I can't.
Hey, hey. Was Jeff the president of his high-school audio-video club?
- No. - Ah...
Was Jeff a roadie for Mamma Mia! For four straight summers?
Does Jeff own his own smoke machine?
No, but I do, huh? Okay.
Jeff is a loser, dude.
- I'll see what I can do. - You're the best, buddy.
Ugh. Oh, I'm gonna need to borrow your girlfriend.
- Oh, dude, she's all yours. - Great.
Jeff! Jeff! Jeff!
I'm here at a Burbank electronics store...
...where a local man prepares to break the "Missile Command" record.
Now, for those of you who weren't around a quarter century ago...
...Jeffrey Barnes first made his mark on...
- way back in 1983.
Sarah, Sarah. I know where Farrokh is.
The terrorists are using a television station to control the satellite. They're in L.A.
Chuck flashed. He knows where they're controlling the satellite.
There's time before the satellite is in range.
Chuck's right. There's nothing you can do to stop it.
- I'm gonna go to the news station. - Knock yourself out. I have my orders.
In 33 minutes and five seconds, this finger's gonna push that button.
Hmm, I'll call you from the road.
- Agent Walker. - Yes?
Who do you trust to bring this down? Some loser playing a video games?
Or Air Force ICBM?
I trust Chuck.
Jeff! Jeff! Jeff!
I'd like you to meet Jeffrey Barnes. Jeffrey Barnes.
Oh.
"Missile Command" world champ. World champ.
I don't feel so hot.
No, no. You're gonna be great. You look great.
- You're gonna kill it. - What was I thinking, man?
No one can get the kill screen. I can't handle the math.
You've dedicated three years of your life to playing "Missile Command."
It's too heavy.
- It feels like my brain is about to... - What's next for Jeff Barnes?
"Missile Command" world champ.
Jefferson. Hey.
I'll get some water.
We need to take care of this.
All right. Take care of him.
Hey, hey. Come on, buddy. Come on.
Wake up, buddy. You gotta play.
Get the kill screen, get the codes.
If we don't stop that satellite...
...they're gonna launch some missile into space.
And then it's World War III.
"Acceptable civilian casualties."
Oh, my God.
- Hey, what's up? - Hey.
Why don't you get out of town?
Maybe Palm Springs, you and Awesome.
Now would be a great time. Trip's on me.
- Early wedding present. - Are you trying to get rid of me?
Just thought it'd be nice.
- What's gotten into you? - I don't know. I don't know.
I'm sorry. I know I've been a bit of a disappointment lately.
I want you to be proud of me. I just ran out of time, that's all.
- We'll talk about this when you get home. - I gotta run. I love you, Ellie.
Honey, do you think my brother's on drugs?
That'd explain a lot.
They're going nuts, okay? The nerds are gonna tear this joint apart.
- You gotta do something. - What am I suppose to do?
They came to see video-game greatness, someone better deliver.
Ladies and gentlemen, our...
Gentlemen, let me introduce you to the challenger.
Hailing from the City of Angels...
...the master of disasters, the king of sting, the dancing destroyer...
...Charles Irving Bartowski.
What the...?
Who authorized this?
This is an abomination.
You suck, Bartowski.
You listening to Rush?
The music of the universe.
"Missile Command."
The mathematical pattern underlying the game is exactly the same as...
Morgan.
Hey, uh, buddy, do we carry any Rush CDs in the store?
No need. I got them all on my Zune.
- You have a Zune? - Are you kidding me? No.
- No, I'll grab my iPod. - Good, good.
I have a very, very special request.
On my mark. Three, two, one.
Mark.
Welcome to Strategic Air Command, Major Casey.
Engaging telemetry.
Arming warhead.
And opening silo door.
- Give me the codes. - It was destroyed.
I am going to do this.
No one can stop the satellite now.
What's the target? What's the satellite aimed at?
Why? It doesn't matter.
No one will remember who threw the first stone. Ugh!
Oh, my God, gentlemen.
We have a kill screen.
I got this.
Target's to range. Releasing synchronized safeties.
On my mark.
Three, two, one.
Mark.
Fire when ready.
- Chuck, what's happening? - Sarah, I did it.
I did it. I beat the game. I got to the kill screen, I got the code.
The game, it follows a pattern.
It's just like Mr. Morimoto said, the music of the universe.
Just give me the code.
Oscar, Zelda...
...Penguin, Gamma...
...Sector, Boppo.
Oh, my God.
The satellite's powering down. Terminate launch sequence.
This bogey's bugging out and going home. Damn.
You did it, Chuck. It worked.
How does it feel to be a hero, Mr. Bartowski?
Looks like you fools had a hell of a party.
Congratulations, Bartowski. That's quite an achievement.
And in light of today's events...
...I'd like to announce there's a new assistant manager.
What did I tell you? It's all coming up.
You all remember Mr. Emmett Milbarge.
Mr. Milbarge has volunteered to stay on for...
...well, as long as it takes.
That's right, Michael.
I'm afraid this branch is sick.
Not the kind of sick that can be fixed with a Band-Aid.
What this Buy More needs requires a surgeon.
Someone who doesn't mind getting up to their elbows in guts.
- Hmm. - Ha-ha-ha.
And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna reach in, wrap my fingers around the disease...
...and rip it out.
How you feeling, buddy?
Better.
- Good. - Thanks.
So "Missile Command" champion.
I got lucky, you know.
Congrats.
I'm glad it was you.
- I mean, you sure you're not...? - Me? Ha, ha.
I'm cool.
Being number one's a real bitch.
It feels like the whole world is gunning for you sometimes.
I can imagine.
So, what was it like?
The kill screen?
Forget it. Uh...
I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh, I am so proud of you.
Ha, ha. Hey, relax. It's just a video game.
Granted, I am the best missile commander in the world.
I'm not talking about a stupid game. I'm talking about this.
Sarah told us what's inside.
Huh.
My diploma?
Oh, don't act so surprised.
You sly dog.
Sarah also told us about what you've been doing behind our backs.
She did? Really?
Yeah. No wonder you've been such a mess this past year.
Why didn't you tell us you were taking online courses?
Oh, oh, right. That's...
You two have some celebrating to do. She's waiting out back.
- You'll thank me for that ginseng shake. - You really surprised me, Charles.
Well, thanks for my fake diploma.
What do you mean?
I get it. You had one of your CIA pals doctor it up to get Ellie off my back.
It's real, Chuck.
- Come on. - I'm serious, you graduated.
What about my last 12 credits?
Casey and I decided that your exceptional field service...
...ought to count for something, and Stanford agreed.
Huh, and by "exceptional," you mean, like, uh, I don't know...
...decrypting weapons-satellite codes? - Electrical engineering.
Running away from exploding games of "Missile Command"?
Physical education.
You earned it, Chuck.
Thank you.
You see that star out there on the horizon?
That's the Air Force...
...bouncing Morimoto's satellite off the atmosphere and burning it up.
Make a wish.
It's yours.
Hey, bud.
Let's party.