- In five, four, three, two--
- Hey, if you're looking at your computer screen right now-- - And you see Carly and me-- - --then, congratulations--
- --you're watching "iCarly" however--
- If you're looking into your toilet bowl right now--
- --and you see a live monkey speaking Spanish--
- --you're hallucinating.
- BOTH: Oh!
- Okay. Lately, we've been getting some comments
here at iCarly.com--
- Saying we should use the power of "iCarly"
to talk about some serious issues.
- So here to discuss the importance of recycling--
- Say hello to the tallest guy who lives in Carly's
apartment building... Both: Dave.
- [cheering] - Woo! Yeah.
So, Dave. - DAVE: Yeah?
- You're pretty tall. - DAVE: That's right.
- And do you feel that recycling is important?
- DAVE: Sure.
- Well, there you have it. - Recycling is important.
- Bye, Dave. - See ya!
- DAVE: Bye. - He petted our heads.
- We love that.
- Okay. Next Sam and I have a little surprise for you guys.
- It's one of the most popular things we do here at "iCarly."
- BOTH: "Messin' with Lewbert". - [cheering]
- Okay, Freddie, switch to your little tripod camera
and come tell the people how it's gonna work.
- Switchin' to the b-cam.
Hey, it's me, Freddie. - They don't care.
Just tell 'em the bit.
- Well, a couple of my friends in the AV Club
figured out how to rig a muffin basket
with a confetti cannon.
- 'Cause unfortunately, most muffin baskets
usually don't come with a confetti cannon.
- It's sad.
- But, lucky for us, Freddie and his AV friends--
- I call them "dorks"--
- --were able to figure it all out.
- Please enjoy this demonstration that I shot of the muffin basket with Carly's brother, Spencer.
- SPENCER: Doodlee, doodlee, doodlee, do.
Oh, look, a muffin basket. What a surprise.
Well, I'm sure there's nothing unusual
about these muffins, so I'll just have one.
Oh, no!
I wasn't expecting that.
- And that's how it works.
- You see, the confetti blast
is powered by a small, pressurized air canister,
which propels-- - Knock-knock.
- Who's there? - Not you.
- Okay. And now it's time to mess with Lewbert.
- He's gonna be so freaked out--
- And you get to see it happen live.
- Ready, Freddie? - Goin' live to the Lewbert cam.
- CARLY: There he is, downstairs in the lobby.
- SAM: The meanest, nastiest doorman in Seattle.
- Cleaning his fingernails with a fork.
- Poor fork.
- And now, I'll use this walkie-talkie to call
our friend Mark who's waiting right outside the lobby.
- Mark's a senior.
- Bring in the muffin basket. - MARK: Copy that.
- What? Hey, who's this for?
Hey! Hey! Hey! Fudge bag!
- The muffin basket is in place.
- Muffins? Well, don't mind if I do.
- SAM: And now, time for a confetti surprise!
- Hit it!
- Ah!
- We're gonna go make sure he's okay.
- So, until we're back-- - --please enjoy this video
of a bunny eating peanut butter.
- Freddie, cue the bunny video. - Okay.
- ♪
- FREDDIE: In five, four, three, two--
- ♪
- CARLY: ♪ I know, you see ♪
♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪
♪ And be so wonderful ♪
♪ Live life, breathe air ♪
♪ I know somehow we're gonna get there ♪
♪ And feel so wonderful ♪
♪ It's all for real ♪
♪ I'm telling you just how I feel ♪
♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪
♪ It's your time to be ♪
♪ There's no chance unless you take one ♪
♪ Every time just see the brighter side... ♪
♪ ...of every situation ♪
♪ Some things are meant to be so give it your best ♪
♪ And leave the rest to me ♪
♪ Leave it all to me ♪
♪ Just leave it all to me ♪
- ♪
- Oh my God.
- What happened? - Nothing. No one can prove anything.
- Our muffin basket exploded.
- And Lewbert got knocked out. - Here, move.
Let me see if I can get him to come to.
Lewbert. Hey, Lewbert!
Talk to me, Lewb. Can you speak? Lewbert.
- [screams]
- Uh-oh. His wart. - What about his wart?
- Where is it? - SAM: Whoa, it's gone.
- Oh, man. We blew his wart off.
- How'd this happen?
- Well, we were filming our web show and--
- He fell. He just fell right down.
- Clumsy Lewbert.
- He fell, but what happened-- - This is no time for questions!
- Just fix him!
- LEWBERT: [groaning] - How is he?
- He might have some broken bones, possibly a concussion.
- And I'm no dentist, but I think he might have gum disease.
- Hey, let's get him up on the gurney.
- Big guy.
Whoa.
- Ah.
Wait. My wart. Where's my wart?
- [screams] - What?!
- It's on your shoe. - Oh.
- [screams] - I want my wart!
- He wants his wart. - Hold still. Hold still.
I'll get it.
- Oh. Here. - Thanks.
We better get this wart on ice. - Right.
- We'll get your shoe back as-- - Keep it.
- ♪
- Right. Yeah, my brother told me he talked to you.
Thank you so much for calling.
Lewbert's gonna be okay.
Well, not okay but at least back to the way he was before.
- Good. - Yeah.
We could have been in so much trouble.
- Can you ever think about anyone but yourself?
- I can, but I choose not to.
Carly, come look at this. - What?
- It's the video of the explosion.
- And when you go slow-motion, you can totally see
Lewbert's wart fly right off his face.
- Eww, that's disgusting. - You wanna see it?
- Full screen, please.
- ALL: Whoa. Oh. Uh-oh.
- What up, giblets?
- Oh. Is that Lewbert's doorman jacket?
- Yeah. It's cute, right?
- Uh. - Well.
- See, I volunteered to cover the front desk
while he's laid up.
Doctor says he's gonna need to stay in bed
for a least a week.
- Oh. I feel terrible.
You know we didn't mean to hurt him.
- We just wanted to scare him enough to make him pee a little.
- Yeah. I know you didn't mean to blow him up.
But since you did, I want you guys
to check in on him, like three or four times a day.
Get him anything he needs 'til he's back on his feet.
- Helping take care of the man is the least we can do.
- No kidding. - Oh.
- All right. I got to get going.
- Do you want me to bring you lunch later?
- No. I got ribs left over from last night.
You ate my ribs?
- I made the bones into a necklace.
- ♪
- [knocking]
- Hi, Lewbert.
We just came down-- - Get out!
- Okay, bye. - Wait.
We brought you some food.
- I don't eat nothin' 'less it's dead.
- Okay, I guess that's better than the other way around.
- Oh, and, um, we got you these flowers.
- Oh, hey, what'd you spend on these, $7.95?
Whoopty-doo!
- I see they reattached your wart.
- Yeah. Well, I don't want any of you touchin' it.
- No problem. - Eww.
- We won't.
- Well, if there's nothing else you need--
- Fluff my pillow. - Oh, sure.
Here, let me help you sit-- - Ah! I can sit up.
Just fluff.
- [coughing]
There. How's that?
- Feed my lizard!
- Huh? - What?
- My lizard. Feed him some bugs.
- Um, where do I get the bugs?
- I usually just catch 'em in the corner over there.
If you put some honey in the palm of your hand,
they'll crawl right up on you.
- Where do I get the honey? - Man, I gotta do everything?
- Okay, calm down. He'll get some bugs for your lizard.
- Anything else you need? - Yeah. My foot itches.
Here's a fork.
Oh, yeah, ah.
Harder!
- ♪
- [ding]
- Sweet!
[screams]
- Hello, Spencer. - SPENCER: Hi, Mrs. Benson.
- Have you heard how Lewbert's feeling?
- Yeah, he's doing okay.
I've got the kids keeping an eye on him.
- Well, I think it's very nice of you
to cover for Lewbert till he's feeling better.
Why is the counter wet and sticky?
- Oh, well, I have-- - "Wet and sticky is very icky.
Sticky and wet makes mommy upset."
- I don't know how to respond to that.
- MAN: Breaker one-nine, breaker one-nine, come back.
- What is that? - Oh, it's an old CB radio.
I found it back there with Lewbert's stuff.
I just plugged it in, it works great.
- A CB radio, like the kind that truck drivers use
to talk to each other?
- Yeah, you wanna try it? - No.
- Oh, come on, it's really fun. All you do is--
- I don't like wireless transceivers.
- Hello, all you truckers out there,
this is the doorman, looking for someone to jaw with.
- RODNEY: Hey, hey, hey there, doorman.
You got rockin' Rodney on this end.
Come on back. - Hey there, rockin' Rodney.
I'm new to the CB radio world and I was just--
How?
- ♪
- Okay. Your place is all clean...er.
- I want some tomato juice.
- Hey. We've done everything you've asked us the past five days. You might try saying thanks once.
- You didn't install an air conditioner.
- We don't have enough money to buy you an air conditioner.
- You're just lucky Freddie's putting up
that ceiling fan for you.
- I'd feel lucky if I were drinking some tomato juice.
- I'll get you some tomato juice.
- Hallelujah!
- Sam, hand me my needle-nose pliers.
- Here you go. - This ain't tomato juice.
- Then what is it? - Nothin'.
I got to get some rest. - FREDDIE: Okay.
Here's the remote that controls the fan.
- [grunts]
- Come on, let's get out of here.
- Just call us if you need anything else.
- I'm hot! - So turn on the fan.
- What button? - The green one.
- I'm pressing the green one and nothing happens--
[screams]
- ♪
- CARLY: Bring him in. - LEWBERT: Oh, easy. Easy.
- We're almost there. Just a couple more steps.
All right. - Support my left side.
- I am trying. Mom, Mom, I need you to go around.
- Here. - And get him down from there.
Right there. - LEWBERT: [groaning]
- This place is disgusting.
- Welcome back from the hospital.
- Don't you mean welcome back from the hospital...again?!
- Come on. We didn't mean to drop a ceiling fan on you.
- I thought the brackets were secure.
- Oh, you thought.
Well, maybe you should have checked twice. Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, we thought we've checked it twice.
- We got a wire up-- - You--wait.
- Hey, hey, hey. Would you children please stop
upsetting this injured man.
Move away. Shoo.
Oh, you poor thing. You look awful.
- He looked awful before the accident.
- Sam. - I feel worse than I look.
- Well, that's because your leg isn't properly elevated.
- Oh, no, no, no, no! Ohh.
Thank you, Mrs. Benson.
- Oh, please, call me Marissa. - Marissa?
- Mm-hmm. - That's a pretty name.
- MARISSA: Oh, thank you. It's French.
It means honeysuckle. - Oh, I like honeysuckle.
- Look, why don't you kids run along?
I'll look after Lewbert.
- Oh, are you sure 'cause we--
- Bye.
- Don't you think we should stay and help?
- Marissa, I was wondering. Would you mind shaving my back?
- Oh, I would be delighted to shave your back.
- Oh. - Well, bye.
- ♪
- Breaker, breaker, this is the doorman, looking for some
CB convo-sation.
Anybody out there pickin' up what I'm puttin' out,
come on back.
- MAN: Hey there, doorman. You got Porkchop on this end.
Come on.
- Well, hey there, Porkchop. How you doin'?
- PORKCHOP: Doin' just fine. Are you a trucker?
- One second. Hey, hey, listen.
You're really not supposed to do that here
in the lobby, okay? Thanks.
Sorry there, Porkchop.
Anyway, no, I'm not a trucker but here's a joke for you.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
- PORKCHOP: Man, I don't know. Come on.
- Anyone can roast beef
but nobody can pea soup.
[laughs]
Hey, kid, seriously, you can't do that in here.
Take it outside, okay? - Make me.
- Hey!
- PORKCHOP: Look, doorman, this channel is for truckers only
so get off.
- No. This is a free country and I can talk on here all I wanna.
- PORKCHOP: Boy, you don't wanna mess with the Porkchop.
- Quit that! - What if I don't?
- Hey, hey. What's goin' on?
- Is he your son? - Yeah.
- Well, he's been playing racquetball in here
even though I keep telling him to knock it off.
- That's it. You're grounded.
- Yeah! - Hey, hey.
- Hey, get off of me. Get him off.
- I'll get you!
- Have fun locked in your room!
- ♪
- Morning, girls. Check me out.
- What? - No belt.
And look, open-toed shoes. - Wow, you're an animal.
- Yeah.
- I thought your mom always makes you wear a belt
and never lets you wear open-toed shoes.
- Yeah, but since she's been takin' care of Lewbert,
I can pretty much do whatever I want.
Last night, slept with my socks on.
- So? - Just my socks.
- Oh. Uhh. Augh.
- Okay, but doesn't it bug you that your mom and Lewbert
are practically dating? - They're not dating.
She's just being a good nurse.
- Oh, wake up and smell the boyfriend, Benson.
She's with him all the time. - I bet they've kissed.
- They have not.
- If his mom marries Lewbert, does that mean Freddie
will have to kiss his wart good night?
- My mom will never marry Lewbert.
- Okay. - Whatever you say.
Hey, you know, your mom was right,
you really should wear a belt.
- Why? - So people can't do this.
- [laughter]
- Thanks.
- Hey, hey, this is the doorman.
Who's out there in CB radio land?
Come on back to me.
- MAN: Hey, you got The Sledgehammer, come back.
- Okay, Mr. Sledgehammer, what do you get when you cross
a rooster with a small dog?
- SLEDGEHAMMER: Huh? - A cocka-poodle-doo.
- SLEDGEHAMMER: Look, buddy, this channel ain't no place
for comedians. - Is too.
- PORKCHOP: Hey, Sledgehammer, I think you're talkin'
to the same old boy that was gettin' on my nerves
the other day. - Oh, Porkchop!
So nice to hear your voice again.
Hey, what you been doin'?
Diggin' bugs outta your wife's ear?
- PORKCHOP: That tears it. Where are you?
- You'll never find out.
- SLEDGEHAMMER: You better hope we don't.
- Hey, Porkchop and Sledgehammer,
if you guys ever get married, will your last name
be Sledgechop or Porkhammer?
- [phone rings]
- Oops! The doorman will be right back.
- [phone ringing]
- Hey, Sledgehammer and Porkchop,
if you wanna find the doorman, he works in an apartment
building on the west side of Kennedy Square.
- Chuck, put that down. - Yes, Daddy.
- ♪
- You know, this is the best food I've had
since I was in the hospital.
- Oh, thank you, Lewbert. More fish loaf?
- Well, I was kinda hopin' we could maybe get
right to dessert?
- But I didn't make any dessert.
- I don't know. I'm lookin' at something pretty sweet.
- MARISSA: [laughing]
Oh, Lewb.
- LEWBERT: To us.
- ♪
- Put the bows down!
- What's up? - Why do we have to--
- You guys were right. You were right, okay?
My mom--she likes Lewbert. Duuuh!
- Oh, well, maybe she-- - No jokes, Puckett.
This is serious chizz!
- Okay, calm down. - I can't.
- SAM: Benson.
- How can I calm down when there's a possibility
that Lewbert could become my daddy?
- Dude, we can fix this chizz.
- How? - Okay, think.
What's the most important thing in the world to your mom?
- Um, I don't know. Soap?
- You. - You're her whole world.
- Was. Now she's spending every minute she can
with Lewbert.
- Yes, because he got hurt which brought out
her motherly instincts. - So?
- So...what if...you got hurt?
- Yeah. What?
- ♪
- And I wrote down all your phone messages in here,
which I organized into three piles.
From your mother, death threats,
and death threats from your mother.
And here are your keys.
- What's my CB radio doin' there?
- Oh, I found it in the back so I was--
- Get out!
- There you are, like a captain at the helm of his ship.
- Oh, Marissa, stop.
- Here, let me rub some cream on your wart.
- Oh, that'd be nice.
- FREDDIE: Mom, are you down here? I-- [screams]
- Freddie--Freddie, oh, my baby.
Are you all right? - Oh, no.
- Hey, don't get any blood on my floor.
- My son is hurt. What's wrong with you?
- For one thing, I got a wart that needs cream on it.
- Freddie may have a concussion.
- Oh, come on. We don't have time for this.
Our dinner reservations are in 20 minutes.
- Well, you'll just have to go without me.
- [screams]
- Freddie. Oh my gosh. - Are you okay?
- What happened? - He fell down the stairs
probably because of these open-toed shoes.
- FREDDIE: Oh, you're probably right--oh.
- Girls, help me get him to the elevator
and up to the apartment so I can take care of him.
- Oh, ok. - We got him.
- What about me?!
- I am sorry, Lewbert, but you are a mean, nasty man.
I cured your body but I can't cure
your hideous personality. - Wait!
Can I at least get the recipe for your fish loaf?
- Come with me, Freddie. - Oh.
- LEWBERT: Wait!
Who's gonna rub cream on my wart?
Would either of you girls-- - Gross. - Eww! - Oh, whatever!
- ♪
- Stay!
- ♪
- Hey. - Who are you clowns?
- Porkchop.
- You the doorman? - Yeah, I'm the doorman.
What of it?
Oh, hey, hey, what's goin' on here, fellas?
Whoa, wait. Help.
- [punching] - LEWBERT: [yelling]
- Okay. Ready? - Go.
What do you do if your foot catches on fire?
- Go to iCarly.com. - Correct.
What do you do if a bear swallows your little brother?
- Go to iCarly.com. - Yes.
What do you do if you can't find your pants? - Go to iCarly.com. - Good girl.
What do you do if a bear catches on fire then swallows your pants? - Go to iCarly.com.
- Exactly. What do you-- - Go to iCarly.com.
- How did you know? - Had a feeling.
- Mm. Wanna get some chicken wings?
- Yep.
- ♪
- [ding] - MAN: Mmm!
- [burble]