1 00:00:47,397 --> 00:00:52,318 Centuries ago, during the dawn of the red moon... 2 00:00:52,485 --> 00:00:56,573 ...our peaceful hamlet was terrorised by a beast... 3 00:00:59,033 --> 00:01:02,078 ...born not of man, but spewed forth... 4 00:01:02,245 --> 00:01:06,374 ...from the fieriest pits of Hades... 5 00:01:06,541 --> 00:01:11,838 ...with an evil fuelled by a hatred of men and a love of women. 6 00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:17,010 Its name: Carmilla, the vampire queen. 7 00:01:17,177 --> 00:01:20,263 No one could defeat her, save one man: 8 00:01:20,430 --> 00:01:25,935 A baron away for decades fighting in the Crusades. 9 00:01:26,102 --> 00:01:29,564 Upon his return, the baron found that Carmilla's desires... 10 00:01:29,731 --> 00:01:32,817 ...had ensnared his beautiful wife, Eva... 11 00:01:32,984 --> 00:01:35,653 ...and turned her into a lover of the vagine. 12 00:01:35,820 --> 00:01:37,697 No! 13 00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:43,411 Consumed with vengeance, the baron pledged to destroy Carmilla... 14 00:01:43,745 --> 00:01:45,330 ...and flee the village. 15 00:01:46,623 --> 00:01:49,000 He unearthed the sacred Books of Nekros... 16 00:01:49,167 --> 00:01:51,711 ...where he discovered the only way of slaying... 17 00:01:51,878 --> 00:01:56,257 ...this unholy harpy, once and for all, was to forge a sacred sword... 18 00:01:56,424 --> 00:02:00,720 ...a weapon blessed with an ancient Babylonian hex... 19 00:02:00,887 --> 00:02:04,015 ...and infused with his own blood. 20 00:02:04,182 --> 00:02:08,353 Without fear, he confronted Carmilla. 21 00:02:15,735 --> 00:02:19,447 But before the baron could strike the fatal blow... 22 00:02:19,614 --> 00:02:22,992 Carmilla laid down a curse most vile. 23 00:02:23,159 --> 00:02:26,246 As you strike me down, so you shall release evil... 24 00:02:26,413 --> 00:02:29,666 ...within me into your daughters and your daughters' daughters... 25 00:02:29,833 --> 00:02:33,795 ...and they shall not rest until your bloodline's ended. 26 00:02:33,962 --> 00:02:37,632 They will know your breed by these marks above your heart. 27 00:02:37,799 --> 00:02:40,885 And when the life's blood of the last of your line... 28 00:02:41,052 --> 00:02:43,179 ...mixes with that of a virgin girl... 29 00:02:43,346 --> 00:02:48,436 I shall rise again, more powerful than you will ever imagine. 30 00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:52,313 And with that, he lopped her fucking head off. 31 00:02:56,568 --> 00:02:59,070 Henceforth, every woman in our village... 32 00:02:59,237 --> 00:03:02,615 ...upon her 18th birthday, is turned by the curse... 33 00:03:02,782 --> 00:03:05,744 ...and reborn a lesbian vampire. 34 00:03:05,910 --> 00:03:09,247 Our only salvation is a prophecy that foretells of the day... 35 00:03:09,414 --> 00:03:12,041 ...when the last descendent of the baron's bloodline... 36 00:03:12,208 --> 00:03:15,754 ...shall return to this hamlet and vanquish Carmilla's curse forever. 37 00:03:17,881 --> 00:03:20,467 That time... Has begun. 38 00:03:20,633 --> 00:03:25,805 - I'm not happy, Jimmy. - Why? What did I do wrong? 39 00:03:25,972 --> 00:03:28,975 Things are different now to how they used to be. 40 00:03:29,142 --> 00:03:32,604 I just don't love you anymore. No, I love you. 41 00:03:32,771 --> 00:03:36,274 I'm just not in love with you. 42 00:03:36,441 --> 00:03:40,570 - You know I'll always love you. - You say that every time you dump me. 43 00:03:40,737 --> 00:03:43,740 I don't dump you, Jimmy. I just take time out... 44 00:03:43,907 --> 00:03:46,701 ...to re-evaluate the parameters of our relationship. 45 00:03:46,868 --> 00:03:51,623 That's what makes us so strong together. 46 00:03:51,790 --> 00:03:55,043 If we're that strong together, why are you dumping me... Again? 47 00:03:55,210 --> 00:03:59,214 I'm not dumping you. I just think we're stronger together apart. 48 00:03:59,380 --> 00:04:01,674 That doesn't make grammatical sense, so... 49 00:04:01,841 --> 00:04:06,137 Feel it with your heart, and know what I'm saying is true. 50 00:04:06,304 --> 00:04:10,725 - So... You are dumping me? - No. 51 00:04:10,892 --> 00:04:13,645 But, also in a sense, yes. 52 00:04:15,021 --> 00:04:17,023 - Yes! - Shit. 53 00:04:21,778 --> 00:04:23,530 I'm not happy, Fletch. 54 00:04:23,696 --> 00:04:25,824 I'm trying my best, Miss Rossi. 55 00:04:25,990 --> 00:04:27,742 Your bestjust isn't good enough. 56 00:04:28,076 --> 00:04:30,787 - What more do you want me to do? - I don't know. 57 00:04:30,954 --> 00:04:33,206 - This has to be the end of the line. - What? 58 00:04:33,373 --> 00:04:36,501 - What did I do wrong? - You punched him in the face. 59 00:04:36,668 --> 00:04:40,422 You know what I get like when people mess with my shit. He had it coming. 60 00:04:40,588 --> 00:04:43,174 He was seven. You're a children's clown. 61 00:04:43,341 --> 00:04:46,177 Old enough to know not to go messing with my shit. 62 00:04:46,344 --> 00:04:47,804 Fletch, you punched a child. 63 00:04:48,012 --> 00:04:50,473 He was spraying me with my own seltzer bottle. 64 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:53,476 - What was I supposed to do? - Not hit him. 65 00:04:53,643 --> 00:04:57,230 Then he shouldn't be spraying my ball sac. It was only a tap. 66 00:04:57,397 --> 00:05:00,942 - You gave him a bloody nose! - I look like I pissed myself! 67 00:05:01,109 --> 00:05:05,113 Christ, Fletch. I don't know why you do these things. 68 00:05:06,823 --> 00:05:08,491 I guess I just don't like kids. 69 00:05:08,658 --> 00:05:11,870 I keep telling you, they're a pre-requisite of the job. 70 00:05:12,036 --> 00:05:14,664 I know. A slight problem. 71 00:05:15,623 --> 00:05:18,126 Maybe I could just be a clown for adults. 72 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:23,089 - You're fired. - Do I get to keep the costume? 73 00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:27,135 No. Drop your costume at the desk on the way out. Goodbye, Fletch. 74 00:05:36,978 --> 00:05:39,397 - Do I get this week's money? - Goodbye, Fletch. 75 00:05:39,564 --> 00:05:42,108 I'm cryin'blood. 76 00:05:42,442 --> 00:05:44,527 I'm cryin'blood. 77 00:05:44,694 --> 00:05:48,114 I'm cryin' tears from my eyes that I can't deny. 78 00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:51,117 And I'm fallin'like a comet from the sky. 79 00:05:51,284 --> 00:05:53,495 I'm cryin'blood. 80 00:05:53,661 --> 00:05:56,247 I'm cryin'blood. 81 00:05:56,414 --> 00:05:59,793 I'm cryin' tears from my eyes that I can't deny. 82 00:05:59,959 --> 00:06:03,088 And I'm fallin'like a comet from the broken sky. 83 00:06:03,254 --> 00:06:04,339 Oh, how you. 84 00:06:04,506 --> 00:06:05,632 Oh, how you need me. 85 00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:07,675 Desperately. 86 00:06:07,842 --> 00:06:09,094 Desperately need me. 87 00:06:09,260 --> 00:06:10,553 Wish you could... 88 00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:13,014 I've come up with a plan for getting her back. 89 00:06:13,181 --> 00:06:14,724 What, like revenge? 90 00:06:14,891 --> 00:06:18,520 No, getting her back, not "getting her back" getting her back. 91 00:06:18,686 --> 00:06:22,774 Getting her back. Number one: Take her on holiday. 92 00:06:22,941 --> 00:06:25,318 Stop there. That's just fucking stupid. 93 00:06:25,485 --> 00:06:28,363 - The two of us, on our own... - On your own? 94 00:06:28,530 --> 00:06:31,825 Like when you went to Falaraki and she dumped you and banged that... 95 00:06:31,991 --> 00:06:34,327 ...water ski instructor with highlights and necklace? 96 00:06:34,494 --> 00:06:37,497 She didn't dump me. She told me she was just... Confused. 97 00:06:37,664 --> 00:06:40,333 Not that confused she couldn't figure out where to put his cock. 98 00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:45,088 - That's my bird you're talking about. - No. No, it isn't. Not anymore. 99 00:06:46,965 --> 00:06:50,427 Look, you need to get away from all this shit. 100 00:06:50,593 --> 00:06:53,096 Let us have a wacky adventure, you and me. 101 00:06:53,263 --> 00:06:56,599 I'm not gonna bum you, but I think you could use a distraction. 102 00:06:56,766 --> 00:07:00,395 Say what you like, but you cannot deny I am incredibly distracting. 103 00:07:00,562 --> 00:07:02,814 - Some might say annoying. - And that... 104 00:07:04,023 --> 00:07:06,693 I don't know. Where do you suggest we go? 105 00:07:08,027 --> 00:07:10,196 Ibiza. 106 00:07:11,281 --> 00:07:16,327 The sun, the sea, the sand, clubs and fanny. 107 00:07:16,494 --> 00:07:22,083 Lots and lots of fanny. Loads and loads of fanny. 108 00:07:22,250 --> 00:07:25,628 A gargantuan amount of "vajay". 109 00:07:25,795 --> 00:07:28,923 All wanting to shag you, Jimmy McLaren... 110 00:07:29,090 --> 00:07:33,887 ...and if there's a few stragglers who fancy a go on me, then so be it. 111 00:07:35,722 --> 00:07:37,265 I can't. I'm skint. 112 00:07:37,432 --> 00:07:40,101 What? I thought you had loads saved up. 113 00:07:40,268 --> 00:07:42,395 Yeah... I lent it to Judy to buy a car. 114 00:07:42,562 --> 00:07:47,067 Oh, my God! Why don't you just get "total twat" tattooed on your forehead? 115 00:07:47,233 --> 00:07:50,070 Can't you see what that witch has done to our lives? 116 00:07:50,236 --> 00:07:54,532 Relied on that money for my holiday. Our holiday, I mean. 117 00:07:54,699 --> 00:07:58,078 - How much have you got? - Um... 118 00:07:58,244 --> 00:08:00,163 Uh, well... 119 00:08:00,330 --> 00:08:02,957 Tricky, because I've sort of been sacked. 120 00:08:03,124 --> 00:08:05,001 - You hit another girl? - It was a boy. 121 00:08:05,168 --> 00:08:06,711 I don't want to talk about it. 122 00:08:06,878 --> 00:08:11,549 So what we're essentially saying is that neither of us can afford to go anywhere. 123 00:08:11,716 --> 00:08:13,009 - Pretty much. - Brilliant. 124 00:08:33,863 --> 00:08:36,825 Uh, hello. Wasn't expecting you. 125 00:08:36,991 --> 00:08:39,786 - I've finally done it! - Done what? 126 00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:43,957 Get the "champers" on ice. I'm all yours, honey. 127 00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:48,461 - Oh, bloody hell. - I've left him for good this time... 128 00:08:48,628 --> 00:08:51,840 ...so you and me can have fun. 129 00:08:52,006 --> 00:08:54,509 You've done what? 130 00:08:54,676 --> 00:08:57,762 Let's celebrate. Naughty boy! 131 00:09:01,599 --> 00:09:03,518 Who the hell are you? 132 00:09:04,853 --> 00:09:08,064 - Who the hell are you? - I'm his girlfriend. 133 00:09:08,231 --> 00:09:13,862 Really? I'm his wife. 134 00:09:14,028 --> 00:09:16,573 Right. 135 00:09:21,661 --> 00:09:23,580 - Dave, get back here! - In my defence... 136 00:09:23,747 --> 00:09:26,374 I never meant for you to find out. 137 00:09:34,841 --> 00:09:38,762 - I got a plan. - Does it involve girls? 138 00:09:38,928 --> 00:09:42,432 - It's cheap. - Yeah. Does it involve girls? 139 00:09:42,599 --> 00:09:46,186 Let's... Go... Hiking. 140 00:09:49,773 --> 00:09:53,234 That... is one of the most depressingly shitty... 141 00:09:53,401 --> 00:09:56,696 ...ideas for a holiday I've ever heard in my life, ever. 142 00:09:56,863 --> 00:10:00,742 - It's a great idea. - You're a penis! 143 00:10:02,452 --> 00:10:05,705 Wherever it lands on the map, we go there. 144 00:10:05,872 --> 00:10:07,916 Leave it to the hands of fate. 145 00:10:08,083 --> 00:10:09,334 - What do you say? - No. 146 00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:11,795 - It'll be brilliant. - It will be shit. 147 00:10:11,961 --> 00:10:13,755 Let the dart show us the way. 148 00:10:15,590 --> 00:10:17,217 All right, then. Fuck it. 149 00:10:17,383 --> 00:10:20,720 I'm only agreeing because I'm feeling for you right now... 150 00:10:20,887 --> 00:10:24,766 ...and because I'm unbelievably shit-faced. 151 00:10:24,933 --> 00:10:27,977 Throw it like you mean it, McLaren. 152 00:10:47,330 --> 00:10:50,542 I never heard of it. How do you say it? Crag... 153 00:10:50,708 --> 00:10:53,378 Cragwi... Cragwich? 154 00:10:53,545 --> 00:10:58,341 It's spelled A-D-V-N-T-U-R-E, my friend. 155 00:11:00,343 --> 00:11:02,679 Christ, you're a tit! 156 00:11:14,441 --> 00:11:18,111 Get that? 157 00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:20,822 Country air. Nothing like it. 158 00:11:20,989 --> 00:11:23,491 Smells like normal air with cow shit in it. 159 00:11:23,658 --> 00:11:26,619 Exactly. Nothing like the pervading stench of faeces... 160 00:11:26,786 --> 00:11:28,872 ...to take your mind off your troubles. 161 00:11:31,374 --> 00:11:33,710 Have you brought anything besides beer? 162 00:11:39,549 --> 00:11:42,218 You're expecting a water bomb fight or something? 163 00:11:52,896 --> 00:11:54,814 - Hello? - Jimmy, it's me. 164 00:11:54,981 --> 00:11:57,400 - Judy? - Yes! Look, Jimmy. 165 00:11:57,567 --> 00:12:01,112 I've been thinking, and I realise I've made a terrible mistake. 166 00:12:01,279 --> 00:12:04,866 I want to come back, Jimmy. I... Love you. 167 00:12:05,033 --> 00:12:06,785 - What? - I love you! 168 00:12:06,951 --> 00:12:10,663 Hello? 169 00:12:10,830 --> 00:12:12,749 I can't hear... Hello? 170 00:12:12,916 --> 00:12:15,794 Judy? 171 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:17,921 I'll drive to meet you. 172 00:12:18,088 --> 00:12:21,633 We can talk, the two of us. We can work everything out. 173 00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:25,178 When I get there, you can wear my panties. 174 00:12:35,230 --> 00:12:39,943 - Why'd you do that? - We are here to hike. 175 00:12:40,110 --> 00:12:44,072 But... I can't fucking believe you just done that! 176 00:12:44,239 --> 00:12:47,075 OK, maybe I did overreact a bit, and I'm sorry. 177 00:12:47,242 --> 00:12:50,161 I'll, um, buy you another one. Jim... 178 00:12:50,328 --> 00:12:52,580 Jim! 179 00:13:01,589 --> 00:13:03,508 Hold up a minute. 180 00:13:12,851 --> 00:13:15,770 Can't we take a little rest? I'm getting a stitch. 181 00:13:15,937 --> 00:13:19,107 We've only been walking for three minutes. 182 00:13:19,274 --> 00:13:22,318 Yeah, but you're not walking. You're virtually running. 183 00:13:22,485 --> 00:13:24,237 It's like you're in a mood with me. 184 00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:28,575 - I can't imagine why. Can you? - You're getting a real attitude. 185 00:13:28,742 --> 00:13:30,827 - Oh, fuck off. - No, you fuck off. 186 00:13:30,994 --> 00:13:33,496 I've dragged my arse to some leafy shit-hole... 187 00:13:33,663 --> 00:13:37,333 I can't even pronounce, for you, and look how ungrateful you're being. 188 00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:41,337 Ungrateful? You stamped on my phone whilst Judy was trying to make up. 189 00:13:41,504 --> 00:13:43,381 What? Like the last seven times? 190 00:13:43,548 --> 00:13:46,801 You're a mental case holding out for that serial dumper... 191 00:13:46,968 --> 00:13:50,680 ...to have you back for the... Drum roll, please... Eighth fucking time. 192 00:13:50,847 --> 00:13:53,266 That's why we're here rather than somewhere... 193 00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:56,352 ...it might be remotely possible to engage a solitary woman... 194 00:13:56,519 --> 00:13:59,230 ...in so much as a polite conversation. 195 00:14:01,191 --> 00:14:03,401 - There might be girls. - Will there? Balls. 196 00:14:15,663 --> 00:14:17,040 Woman. 197 00:14:17,207 --> 00:14:18,875 You know you, Woman. 198 00:14:19,042 --> 00:14:20,710 You got to be a Woman. 199 00:14:20,877 --> 00:14:22,962 I've got the feeling of love. 200 00:14:23,129 --> 00:14:25,090 When you're talking to me. 201 00:14:25,256 --> 00:14:27,509 You see right through me. 202 00:14:27,675 --> 00:14:30,136 I've got the feeling of love. 203 00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:33,181 She's a woman, you know what I mean. 204 00:14:33,348 --> 00:14:36,726 You better listen, listen to me. 205 00:14:36,893 --> 00:14:39,813 She's gonna set you free. 206 00:14:39,979 --> 00:14:42,232 Oh, oh, yeah. 207 00:14:55,912 --> 00:15:00,083 What are the chances? 208 00:15:04,129 --> 00:15:06,089 Come on, Jim. They came from there. 209 00:15:06,256 --> 00:15:09,843 - Yeah. So? - "So"? 210 00:15:10,009 --> 00:15:13,012 Are you some kind of eunuch or something? 211 00:15:13,179 --> 00:15:16,975 Not bad enough that woman's robbed you of brains, but testicles and all. 212 00:15:17,142 --> 00:15:19,561 I'm sorry. I'm claiming your testicles back. 213 00:15:19,728 --> 00:15:23,481 No... Not that I literally want your test... 214 00:15:23,648 --> 00:15:27,068 That's just sick. Look. They're just the beginning. 215 00:15:27,235 --> 00:15:29,946 These small, rural places are renowned for breeding... 216 00:15:30,113 --> 00:15:33,533 ...the crème de la crème of the female form. It's the fresh air. 217 00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:37,328 They go a bundle for city boys like you and me. Impressive we are, mate. 218 00:15:37,495 --> 00:15:40,749 I guarantee this place will be wall to wall with rosy-cheeked... 219 00:15:40,915 --> 00:15:44,794 English country maidens, like that lot, but even dirtier. 220 00:15:52,761 --> 00:15:55,889 It's like some sort of medieval gay bar. 221 00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:58,141 Don't sweat it. 222 00:15:59,601 --> 00:16:02,020 The womenfolk are all off braiding their hair... 223 00:16:02,187 --> 00:16:05,148 ...in some kind of naked fertility ceremony or something. 224 00:16:05,315 --> 00:16:08,443 That village green will be full of heaving tits by sundown. 225 00:16:08,610 --> 00:16:11,613 - These guys look weird. - Just relax. 226 00:16:11,780 --> 00:16:14,491 They're just blokes, like you and I. 227 00:16:14,657 --> 00:16:17,577 They like a beer, enjoy a scented candle. 228 00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:21,790 They're my kind of people. I can relate. Stick with me. 229 00:16:28,713 --> 00:16:30,465 Good morrow. 230 00:16:30,632 --> 00:16:34,552 Two flagons of ale, please, sir. 231 00:16:38,723 --> 00:16:41,142 There you go. 232 00:16:41,309 --> 00:16:44,229 Compliments of the house, lads. 233 00:16:54,531 --> 00:16:56,533 Thank you. 234 00:17:11,089 --> 00:17:16,010 Keep it together, mate. Keep it together. 235 00:17:16,177 --> 00:17:19,180 I'm just a bit worried I'm going to get raped. 236 00:17:24,519 --> 00:17:27,397 So how many more, Tom? How many more? 237 00:17:27,564 --> 00:17:30,400 Don't you be all high and mighty with me, vicar. 238 00:17:30,567 --> 00:17:32,777 We have to stop this madness. 239 00:17:32,944 --> 00:17:36,489 - Reckon that's his daughter? - If it's not, that's one dirty vicar. 240 00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:38,616 We can't let more innocent people die! 241 00:17:38,783 --> 00:17:42,287 - Then what? Then they'll come for us! - Oh. Hi. 242 00:17:42,454 --> 00:17:46,499 Don't you see they have us already? Our women are cursed... 243 00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:49,294 ...and we are spineless fools who let it happen. 244 00:17:49,461 --> 00:17:53,047 I know it's hard, vicar, what with your Rebecca turning 18... 245 00:17:53,214 --> 00:17:54,299 Eighteen? Love it. 246 00:17:54,466 --> 00:18:00,096 Together we can stop this. You are either with me or against me. 247 00:18:00,263 --> 00:18:01,723 What a tosser. 248 00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:04,309 Who is with me? 249 00:18:09,814 --> 00:18:11,274 No, it can't be. 250 00:18:12,567 --> 00:18:13,985 No, that's impossible. 251 00:18:15,445 --> 00:18:19,199 - It can't be you. What is your name? - Hey, this cost 25 quid, mate! 252 00:18:19,365 --> 00:18:22,994 - That is enough, Father. Enough! - Daddy! 253 00:18:23,161 --> 00:18:25,330 Come, child. 254 00:18:31,294 --> 00:18:35,590 Does he know you? Have you been hanging out with vicars? 255 00:18:35,757 --> 00:18:39,552 - Never seen him before in my life. - Sorry about that, lads. 256 00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:43,306 Here you go. No hard feelings, eh? 257 00:18:43,473 --> 00:18:47,519 Sorry for the vicar. He's a strange sort. 258 00:18:47,685 --> 00:18:51,773 If you lads want a bed for the night... 259 00:18:51,940 --> 00:18:54,442 ...there be a cottage, the old Mircalla place... 260 00:18:54,609 --> 00:18:56,528 ...not two miles down the road. 261 00:18:57,779 --> 00:18:59,989 Oh, that's great, but how much is it? 262 00:19:00,156 --> 00:19:02,367 - We're a bit light on the old... - Money. 263 00:19:02,534 --> 00:19:06,079 Oh, it don't cost nothing. The doors are always open. 264 00:19:06,246 --> 00:19:12,001 Any weary traveller can expect a nice, long rest. 265 00:19:12,168 --> 00:19:16,714 You, sir, are a scholar and a gent. 266 00:19:16,881 --> 00:19:20,385 If there's one thing I like more than free booze, it's a free bed. 267 00:19:20,552 --> 00:19:21,803 Thank you very much. 268 00:19:21,970 --> 00:19:24,556 Might be a bit of a tight squeeze, though. 269 00:19:24,723 --> 00:19:29,102 I sent some beautiful young girls down there not too long ago. 270 00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:44,576 Take off your clothes Come on, take 'em off. 271 00:19:44,743 --> 00:19:47,412 I like you so much better when you're naked. 272 00:19:47,579 --> 00:19:50,206 I like me so much better when you're naked. 273 00:19:50,373 --> 00:19:53,543 I like you so much better when you're naked. 274 00:19:56,212 --> 00:20:00,967 I like you so much... 275 00:20:01,134 --> 00:20:02,635 What's wrong with it? 276 00:20:02,802 --> 00:20:06,639 Come on, come on. Don't break down on us now. Come on! 277 00:20:06,806 --> 00:20:09,809 Come on! What? 278 00:20:21,446 --> 00:20:24,199 - Come on! - That'll really help, Lotte. 279 00:20:24,365 --> 00:20:26,993 - We're screwed. - Ja. 280 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:31,414 Great. We're in the middle of nowhere, miles from anywhere. 281 00:20:31,581 --> 00:20:33,708 Are you sure you put petrol in? 282 00:20:33,875 --> 00:20:37,170 - Anke, for the fifth time, yes. - Just checking. 283 00:20:37,337 --> 00:20:40,173 Well, let us walk to the cottage. We must be close. 284 00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:43,093 The landlord said it was only a few miles. 285 00:20:43,259 --> 00:20:46,012 - Ja. - We're closer to the inn. 286 00:20:46,179 --> 00:20:47,889 We should go get help. 287 00:20:49,391 --> 00:20:52,018 Ja. Ja. 288 00:20:53,311 --> 00:20:57,273 I'm only going back there with knives. Those men were freaky. 289 00:20:58,191 --> 00:21:00,819 - I think we should stay with the van. - Ja. 290 00:21:00,985 --> 00:21:04,447 Oh... 291 00:21:10,453 --> 00:21:12,372 Do you hear that? 292 00:21:12,539 --> 00:21:15,125 What is it? 293 00:21:16,084 --> 00:21:18,545 There's something out there. 294 00:21:18,711 --> 00:21:21,089 - Stop scaring us, Lotte. - Ja. 295 00:21:21,256 --> 00:21:24,134 Listen, listen! 296 00:21:27,011 --> 00:21:29,013 It's coming from the roof! 297 00:21:30,932 --> 00:21:33,476 - It is probably just a branch. - A branch? 298 00:21:33,643 --> 00:21:34,686 Ja. 299 00:21:51,870 --> 00:21:54,831 I told you! 300 00:22:01,087 --> 00:22:03,882 - Evening, ladies. - Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you. 301 00:22:04,048 --> 00:22:05,967 Excuse us. Our van just broke down... 302 00:22:06,134 --> 00:22:09,929 - And we were a little bit spooked. - Seems OK now. 303 00:22:10,096 --> 00:22:13,391 Anyhow, hi, I'm Lotte. 304 00:22:13,558 --> 00:22:16,269 This is Anke, Heidi and Trudi. 305 00:22:16,436 --> 00:22:21,274 Hello, Lotte, Andy, Eric. Hello, girls. 306 00:22:22,609 --> 00:22:25,445 - Beer? - Oh,ja! 307 00:22:25,612 --> 00:22:26,821 Ja, ja, ja! 308 00:22:27,739 --> 00:22:29,574 You're my type of girl. 309 00:22:33,244 --> 00:22:34,496 The name's Fletch. 310 00:22:37,165 --> 00:22:39,626 - What's your name? - That's my man, Jimmy. 311 00:22:39,793 --> 00:22:42,420 He's had his heart broken. It's tragic. 312 00:22:42,587 --> 00:22:45,465 - Oh! - It's just tragic. Really is. 313 00:22:45,632 --> 00:22:48,760 - Hello, Jimmy. - All right. 314 00:22:48,927 --> 00:22:53,973 So, what are four lovely ladies like you doing here on a night like this? 315 00:22:54,140 --> 00:22:56,559 We're on our way to the Mircalla cottage. 316 00:23:00,063 --> 00:23:02,357 There's an uncanny stroke of luck! 317 00:23:02,524 --> 00:23:07,112 These girls are all going to the exact same cottage that we are. 318 00:23:09,823 --> 00:23:12,951 - Yes! Yes! - Yes! Yes! 319 00:23:13,118 --> 00:23:15,203 Great. 320 00:23:15,370 --> 00:23:18,706 - Do you want to ride with us? - Thanks. That's very nice of you. 321 00:23:18,873 --> 00:23:20,708 - Oh, yeah! - Take a seat. 322 00:23:20,875 --> 00:23:22,794 When in Rome. 323 00:23:22,961 --> 00:23:27,632 - Be careful. You know what happens. - Relax. It's fine. 324 00:23:32,220 --> 00:23:34,931 OK, let's go. 325 00:23:46,067 --> 00:23:49,487 A couple of young fellows were in here not an hour ago. 326 00:23:49,654 --> 00:23:53,366 Directed them towards the cottage not a couple of miles down the road. 327 00:23:53,533 --> 00:23:55,994 What? Just carry on down the road? 328 00:23:56,161 --> 00:24:01,040 There you go, miss. Carry straight on down, and you can't fail to see it. 329 00:24:02,417 --> 00:24:04,335 Now, she was a pretty one. 330 00:24:04,502 --> 00:24:07,964 They always are, Sidney. 331 00:24:08,131 --> 00:24:13,345 Sirens. Cold, bewitching demons, every last one of them. 332 00:24:17,265 --> 00:24:18,975 Pint, Jack? 333 00:24:46,503 --> 00:24:50,757 - Wow. This place is amazing! - Oh, I love it! 334 00:24:50,924 --> 00:24:53,718 - Oh, cool! - They got beers! 335 00:24:53,885 --> 00:24:56,346 Can we actually move here? 336 00:24:56,513 --> 00:24:58,014 - Yes! - Yes, let's move in! 337 00:25:10,777 --> 00:25:13,446 Let's party! 338 00:25:13,613 --> 00:25:16,783 - We need Schnapps! - Rack 'em up! Rack 'em up! 339 00:25:16,950 --> 00:25:19,661 All right! Yes! 340 00:25:19,828 --> 00:25:22,956 J man, bottoms up! 341 00:25:23,123 --> 00:25:25,708 - Bottoms up! - Cocks in. 342 00:25:26,709 --> 00:25:30,088 - Oh, yummy! - Let's dance! 343 00:25:30,255 --> 00:25:32,006 Oh! 344 00:25:34,968 --> 00:25:37,512 Feelin'hot, hot, hot. 345 00:25:39,055 --> 00:25:40,849 Feelin'hot, hot, hot. 346 00:25:54,028 --> 00:25:57,699 This might be the best night of my entire fucking life! 347 00:26:00,034 --> 00:26:03,705 Room for the Fletchmeister? Yes? Yes? 348 00:26:07,417 --> 00:26:09,794 Let me rum bum bum bum. 349 00:26:11,337 --> 00:26:13,631 Let me rum bum bum bum. 350 00:26:14,090 --> 00:26:15,717 I love hiking! 351 00:26:15,884 --> 00:26:19,721 Olé, olé, olé, olé. 352 00:26:19,888 --> 00:26:23,183 Olé, olé, olé, olé. 353 00:26:23,349 --> 00:26:25,685 Let me rum bum bum bum... 354 00:26:27,395 --> 00:26:29,898 - Let me rum bum bum bum. - Take your clothes off! 355 00:26:30,065 --> 00:26:33,526 - Take your clothes off! - Feelin'hot, hot, hot. 356 00:26:35,278 --> 00:26:37,822 Feelin'hot, hot, hot. 357 00:26:39,866 --> 00:26:42,535 Do you know of Carmilla? 358 00:26:42,702 --> 00:26:47,749 - Uh, no. Is that who it is? - Yes. 359 00:26:47,916 --> 00:26:51,377 - Carmilla. She's why we're all here. - Eh? 360 00:26:51,544 --> 00:26:56,132 We're students of folklore and ancient superstition. We're on a field trip. 361 00:26:56,299 --> 00:26:59,886 This village is home to the legend of Carmilla, the vampire queen. 362 00:27:00,053 --> 00:27:02,472 - Vampire queen? - According to legend... 363 00:27:02,639 --> 00:27:05,767 ...she's much, much more than just your average vampire queen. 364 00:27:05,934 --> 00:27:07,894 Some say she's 2,000 years old. 365 00:27:08,061 --> 00:27:10,605 You believe in that Dungeons & Dragons rubbish? 366 00:27:10,772 --> 00:27:13,650 Where I grew up, we're very superstitious. 367 00:27:13,817 --> 00:27:16,778 Cragwich is particularly fascinating to me. 368 00:27:16,945 --> 00:27:19,614 The book of folklore tells the story of this village... 369 00:27:19,781 --> 00:27:22,158 ...and what Carmilla did to it and its daughters. 370 00:27:22,325 --> 00:27:25,453 Even the bravest man shrinks in fear, and the bravest woman... 371 00:27:25,620 --> 00:27:28,665 quivers with desire at the mere mention of her name. 372 00:27:29,541 --> 00:27:31,251 Carmilla, the vampire queen. 373 00:27:37,132 --> 00:27:39,426 Saturday, Saturday. 374 00:27:39,592 --> 00:27:41,761 - Hey! Jimmy Peon! - Saturday night. 375 00:27:41,928 --> 00:27:45,306 Come on. Get a beer. Get involved. 376 00:27:46,349 --> 00:27:48,476 It is your turn to go with the larger one. 377 00:27:48,643 --> 00:27:50,270 Saturday night. Saturday night. 378 00:27:50,437 --> 00:27:53,815 - Too many beers. I need a piss. - The bog's outside. 379 00:27:53,982 --> 00:27:56,484 What? It's... It's dark out there. 380 00:27:56,651 --> 00:28:00,238 Heidi, are you afraid Carmilla will get you? 381 00:28:00,405 --> 00:28:04,576 - Anke, don't be mean. - OK, OK, I'm sorry. 382 00:28:04,743 --> 00:28:08,913 - Don't worry. I will go with her. - Stop it! 383 00:28:09,998 --> 00:28:14,502 - Saturday night. - Watch this. Here come the beers. 384 00:28:14,669 --> 00:28:18,048 - Here come the beers. Ja? - Ooh,ja! 385 00:28:18,214 --> 00:28:20,633 He's a weird guy, Fletch, eh? 386 00:28:23,136 --> 00:28:25,096 She's pretending to bum me. 387 00:28:25,263 --> 00:28:27,932 Oh, his heart's in the right place. 388 00:28:28,099 --> 00:28:31,436 It's just a shame his brain's in his dick. 389 00:28:38,193 --> 00:28:42,280 - Think his ying yang is big? - Ying yang? 390 00:28:54,250 --> 00:28:59,130 I like you so much better when you're naked. 391 00:28:59,297 --> 00:29:03,635 I like you so much better when you're naked. 392 00:29:13,061 --> 00:29:15,480 All right. Which one do you want, then? 393 00:29:16,689 --> 00:29:20,026 Haven't thought about it. 394 00:29:20,193 --> 00:29:22,570 Oh! You are such a fucking ponce, James. 395 00:29:22,737 --> 00:29:26,157 Which one do you fancy? Which one do you like the most? 396 00:29:26,324 --> 00:29:29,577 - Just answer the question. - All right, then. Lotte. 397 00:29:29,744 --> 00:29:33,331 - She seems really nice and friendly. - Mm-hmm. 398 00:29:33,498 --> 00:29:37,669 And it's like she's got this pure spirit. 399 00:29:37,836 --> 00:29:42,757 She's just really sweet. She's got the prettiest eyes. 400 00:29:42,924 --> 00:29:45,969 It's like looking into bottomless pools. 401 00:29:47,470 --> 00:29:49,347 - And you? - Trudi. 402 00:29:49,514 --> 00:29:52,058 Massive tits, never speaks. 403 00:29:56,646 --> 00:29:59,524 Yeah, Trudi, you stink. 404 00:30:00,567 --> 00:30:02,610 Ja. Ja. 405 00:30:02,777 --> 00:30:05,864 Oh,ja. 406 00:30:10,493 --> 00:30:12,328 Hurry up! 407 00:30:19,461 --> 00:30:21,212 Anke. 408 00:30:27,761 --> 00:30:31,347 Anke? 409 00:30:31,514 --> 00:30:35,435 - Anke, stop it. It isn't funny. - Heidi. 410 00:30:39,230 --> 00:30:41,107 Fuck! 411 00:30:41,941 --> 00:30:44,652 Anke, answer me now. It's not funny. 412 00:30:49,699 --> 00:30:51,868 Anke! 413 00:31:01,044 --> 00:31:03,129 Anke? 414 00:31:09,594 --> 00:31:13,431 Anke? Anke! 415 00:31:16,434 --> 00:31:18,395 Why are they taking so long? 416 00:31:18,561 --> 00:31:20,980 She's probably just having a massive shit. 417 00:31:34,869 --> 00:31:37,122 Trudi. 418 00:31:38,790 --> 00:31:41,668 Trudi. 419 00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:49,384 Trudi. 420 00:31:52,595 --> 00:31:57,559 Trudi. 421 00:32:42,228 --> 00:32:44,439 Quickly! 422 00:32:48,359 --> 00:32:51,362 Trudi! We've got to get in there! 423 00:32:51,529 --> 00:32:53,782 OK. Stand back. 424 00:32:57,118 --> 00:32:59,996 Christ. That thing is rock-solid. 425 00:33:02,832 --> 00:33:05,126 - I must have weakened it. - Yeah, right. 426 00:33:12,675 --> 00:33:15,720 - Look. - Blood. 427 00:33:17,138 --> 00:33:18,807 Come. 428 00:33:22,977 --> 00:33:24,854 What was that? 429 00:33:25,021 --> 00:33:27,982 I don't know, but let's go find out. 430 00:33:29,025 --> 00:33:32,028 - Is she serious? - We have to do something, don't we? 431 00:33:32,195 --> 00:33:35,949 This is all getting a bit weird: Women missing, towels covered in blood. 432 00:33:36,116 --> 00:33:39,244 - It's more of a light spotting. - Oh, that's all right, then. 433 00:33:39,411 --> 00:33:41,955 We heard her in here, and now she's nowhere. 434 00:33:42,122 --> 00:33:45,750 - That is very fucking weird. - Agreed, but we have to find Trudi. 435 00:33:45,917 --> 00:33:48,294 - You like Trudi, don't you? - Not that much. 436 00:33:49,796 --> 00:33:51,881 That's just weak, man. 437 00:33:53,091 --> 00:33:54,759 For Christ's sake. 438 00:34:10,775 --> 00:34:14,070 Oh, God! 439 00:34:14,237 --> 00:34:16,239 For God's sake! 440 00:34:21,870 --> 00:34:25,248 I only got it seen to last week. 441 00:34:25,415 --> 00:34:27,667 Oh, my... Oh, come on! 442 00:34:27,834 --> 00:34:30,670 Shit! 443 00:34:40,472 --> 00:34:43,683 Hi. You're through to Jimmy. Please leave a message. 444 00:34:43,850 --> 00:34:47,896 You are so dead, Jimmy! 445 00:34:48,063 --> 00:34:49,814 Judy. 446 00:34:49,981 --> 00:34:55,361 Judy. Judy. 447 00:34:55,528 --> 00:34:57,947 Anke! 448 00:34:58,114 --> 00:35:02,786 Heidi? Trudi? 449 00:35:05,288 --> 00:35:07,457 - Anything? - No. 450 00:35:10,710 --> 00:35:13,296 Ah, well. Looks like she's gone. 451 00:35:15,006 --> 00:35:18,343 Head back inside, eh? Cup of tea? 452 00:35:19,302 --> 00:35:21,930 - Told you there was no one out here. - Trudi? 453 00:35:22,263 --> 00:35:24,974 Probably just gone for a walk or... Something. 454 00:35:25,141 --> 00:35:27,560 Let's head inside. I've still got some beers. 455 00:35:27,727 --> 00:35:30,563 Oh, shit! 456 00:35:31,773 --> 00:35:33,733 Lotte. 457 00:35:33,900 --> 00:35:36,236 - It's over there. - I heard it too. 458 00:35:37,862 --> 00:35:40,782 Look. I know something really wrong is happening here... 459 00:35:41,116 --> 00:35:43,535 ...but is there any chance we can just ignore it? 460 00:35:43,701 --> 00:35:45,912 Fletch! Come on! 461 00:36:40,425 --> 00:36:43,887 It's impossible. It cannot be. Vampires. 462 00:36:44,054 --> 00:36:46,723 - Vampires? - Vampires? 463 00:36:47,932 --> 00:36:50,310 Lesbian vampires. 464 00:36:50,477 --> 00:36:53,104 Nice one. 465 00:37:02,822 --> 00:37:05,909 Fucking hell, she's strong. 466 00:37:08,536 --> 00:37:10,038 Jimmy! 467 00:37:10,205 --> 00:37:13,541 - Shit. - Jimmy! 468 00:37:24,010 --> 00:37:28,098 She's not so strong now. 469 00:37:50,161 --> 00:37:52,372 Ah! Rank! 470 00:38:01,214 --> 00:38:05,343 Is that it? 471 00:38:05,510 --> 00:38:08,179 No explosion or... 472 00:38:08,346 --> 00:38:12,058 ...turning into burning ash or... Nothing, no? 473 00:38:14,477 --> 00:38:16,312 Frankly, I'm a bit disappointed. 474 00:38:16,479 --> 00:38:19,607 I'm just glad she's dead. I can hold out for fireworks. 475 00:38:19,774 --> 00:38:22,986 The legends... They're true. 476 00:38:23,153 --> 00:38:24,446 This is madness. 477 00:38:24,612 --> 00:38:27,574 - What's become of my friends? - Lotte. 478 00:38:27,741 --> 00:38:28,867 Oh, crap. 479 00:38:29,993 --> 00:38:33,872 - Join us. - Join us. 480 00:38:34,038 --> 00:38:36,416 Ja. 481 00:38:36,583 --> 00:38:40,462 I think they want you to say something. 482 00:38:40,628 --> 00:38:42,756 Never. 483 00:38:43,965 --> 00:38:45,550 Don't think they wanted you to say that. 484 00:38:45,717 --> 00:38:47,886 Fuck this! Run, you bellends! 485 00:38:57,645 --> 00:39:00,190 Come on, you silly fuckers! 486 00:39:02,567 --> 00:39:05,737 Now you will join us. 487 00:39:08,239 --> 00:39:09,866 Hmm. 488 00:39:10,033 --> 00:39:12,994 Get in. 489 00:39:17,165 --> 00:39:19,250 Oh, my God! Did you see that? 490 00:39:19,417 --> 00:39:23,046 That might be the coolest thing I've done in my entire fucking life. 491 00:39:23,213 --> 00:39:25,965 I've always been good at cricket. Maybe it's my guns. 492 00:39:26,132 --> 00:39:28,718 - Fletch, please shut up. - Sorry, I'm just nervous. 493 00:39:28,885 --> 00:39:31,221 They'd have eaten us alive. This is fucked up! 494 00:39:31,388 --> 00:39:33,932 Where did they go? 495 00:39:34,099 --> 00:39:39,104 Before sunrise, you will all belong to us. 496 00:39:41,564 --> 00:39:44,150 Shit, shit, shit, shit. What are we going to do? 497 00:39:44,317 --> 00:39:47,862 - We're going to die horribly. - For Christ sake. You're not helping. 498 00:39:48,029 --> 00:39:51,199 - Calm down. Have a beer. - We need to get out of here! 499 00:39:51,366 --> 00:39:54,786 - Come up with a plan then, Einstein. - Hold on. The van. 500 00:39:54,953 --> 00:39:56,996 The van. Good plan. Great plan. 501 00:39:57,163 --> 00:39:58,998 Genius. 502 00:39:59,165 --> 00:40:01,334 I don't even want to know. 503 00:40:01,501 --> 00:40:04,003 What are we going to do now? 504 00:40:06,673 --> 00:40:09,008 Stakes. Lots of sharp stakes. 505 00:40:10,051 --> 00:40:13,972 Arm ourselves with anything we can plunge through their hearts. 506 00:40:14,139 --> 00:40:15,849 Again, great idea. Like it. 507 00:40:16,015 --> 00:40:20,228 Plunging sharp objects. Hell-whore hearts. Let's fucking have it. 508 00:40:25,775 --> 00:40:28,570 Saturday night, I feel... 509 00:40:31,614 --> 00:40:34,701 - Jimmy! - Judy? 510 00:40:34,868 --> 00:40:39,205 What? Don't open the fucking door! Jesus! 511 00:40:40,498 --> 00:40:43,626 - Judy, get in, quick. - Oh, my God! 512 00:40:43,793 --> 00:40:46,463 - What the hell is going on? - What are you doing here? 513 00:40:46,629 --> 00:40:49,966 - Something was chasing me. - Vampires. 514 00:40:50,133 --> 00:40:54,220 - What? - Yep. Lesbian vampires. 515 00:40:54,387 --> 00:40:56,806 - How ridiculous. - No. 516 00:40:56,973 --> 00:41:00,101 Just another of God's cruel tricks to get on my tits. 517 00:41:00,268 --> 00:41:03,980 Even dead women would sooner sleep with each other than get with me. 518 00:41:04,147 --> 00:41:07,650 - But eating me alive? Oh, that's fine. - Lesbian vampires? 519 00:41:07,817 --> 00:41:11,571 Next time he'll have me bummed by a big gay werewolf, I swear. 520 00:41:11,738 --> 00:41:13,281 Come on. We need to lie down. 521 00:41:19,245 --> 00:41:22,749 - Who's that? - Oh, it's Jimmy's ex. 522 00:41:22,916 --> 00:41:25,668 She keeps breaking up with him, getting him back... 523 00:41:25,835 --> 00:41:28,546 ...breaking up with him, getting him back, you know? 524 00:41:32,008 --> 00:41:34,469 - I hate her. - Me too. 525 00:41:34,636 --> 00:41:37,680 Man, this pisses me off. 526 00:41:37,847 --> 00:41:40,725 I've been saving myself for the right man... 527 00:41:40,892 --> 00:41:43,311 ...someone I can really have feelings for. 528 00:41:43,478 --> 00:41:47,107 - I finally meet him, and... - What, you like Jimmy? 529 00:41:47,273 --> 00:41:49,776 Yes, I do. But between her and the vampires... 530 00:41:49,943 --> 00:41:52,529 I'll probably die a virgin tonight. 531 00:41:57,575 --> 00:42:00,995 You're a virgin? 532 00:42:01,162 --> 00:42:05,208 Um, yeah. 533 00:42:24,436 --> 00:42:27,063 Oh, for God's sake, girl. Cover yourself up. 534 00:42:28,356 --> 00:42:30,483 Daddy, I'm not a child any more. 535 00:42:30,650 --> 00:42:33,653 - Don't try me, girl. - Oh! 536 00:42:50,795 --> 00:42:55,052 Jimmy, I know you have every right to hate me... 537 00:42:57,218 --> 00:42:59,512 ...but I just want you to know... 538 00:42:59,679 --> 00:43:03,933 ...that I'm so happy you let me through the door. 539 00:43:04,100 --> 00:43:06,686 Well, I don't hate you. Well, not completely. 540 00:43:06,853 --> 00:43:09,981 I just don't know what I keep doing you don't like. 541 00:43:10,148 --> 00:43:13,651 It's not you, Jimmy. It's me. 542 00:43:14,569 --> 00:43:17,697 I'm glad you realise that, because if this is gonna work... 543 00:43:17,864 --> 00:43:21,493 - You're gonna have to change. - Oh, I've changed. 544 00:43:21,659 --> 00:43:23,870 But how... How do I know that? 545 00:43:24,037 --> 00:43:27,707 How can I trust you? You're gonna have to show me you're different. 546 00:43:27,874 --> 00:43:30,585 Oh, I'm different. 547 00:43:34,422 --> 00:43:40,011 Give me one... Last... Kiss. 548 00:43:46,559 --> 00:43:47,894 Huh? 549 00:44:47,954 --> 00:44:52,042 Probably best you remember her the way she was, mate. 550 00:44:52,208 --> 00:44:56,129 A complete fucking bitch. Aah. 551 00:45:01,259 --> 00:45:03,595 Mate, thanks for saving my life. 552 00:45:03,762 --> 00:45:06,723 Hey, you know me, fella. 553 00:45:06,890 --> 00:45:11,227 I got your back. Always have, always will. 554 00:45:12,645 --> 00:45:14,564 - Right, got 'em. - What are you doing? 555 00:45:14,731 --> 00:45:17,984 - What do you think? - What, Lotte was gonna... 556 00:45:18,151 --> 00:45:20,820 You know what they say about extreme situations. 557 00:45:20,987 --> 00:45:25,200 And this, as I keep pointing out, my friend, is an extreme fucking situation. 558 00:45:25,366 --> 00:45:28,536 - Bit seedy, isn't it? - She's worried she'll die a virgin... 559 00:45:28,703 --> 00:45:31,831 ...and frankly, I'm willing to take any opportunity I can get. 560 00:45:31,998 --> 00:45:35,001 Emotional vulnerability, fear of imminent death, vampire attacks. 561 00:45:35,168 --> 00:45:38,296 Screw it. I don't give a shit. Hi. 562 00:45:39,381 --> 00:45:42,258 How are you doing? 563 00:45:42,425 --> 00:45:45,970 - What happened? - Oh, God. Um... 564 00:45:46,137 --> 00:45:50,308 As I suspected... 565 00:45:50,475 --> 00:45:54,646 - Judy was a vampire. - We killed her. 566 00:45:54,813 --> 00:45:56,731 Fantastic. 567 00:46:09,285 --> 00:46:11,996 - Um, I'm going for a piss. - What, outside? 568 00:46:12,163 --> 00:46:14,541 Do I look like a twat? 569 00:46:29,639 --> 00:46:33,393 Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, gosh! 570 00:46:33,560 --> 00:46:35,228 Oh, God! Oh, God! 571 00:46:35,395 --> 00:46:37,772 Why aren't they coming in? Judy walked in. 572 00:46:37,939 --> 00:46:41,067 No, they have to be invited in. You invited Judy in. 573 00:46:41,234 --> 00:46:43,361 Oh. 574 00:46:45,655 --> 00:46:50,076 So all we have to do is sit tight till morning. 575 00:46:50,243 --> 00:46:52,454 I mean, It's not like I'm gonna say... 576 00:46:52,620 --> 00:46:56,458 "Hey, lesbian vampires, come into my cottage", is it? Oh, shit! 577 00:47:02,547 --> 00:47:05,925 Under full-on lesbian vampire attack? 578 00:47:06,092 --> 00:47:08,928 Still got it, fella. 579 00:47:10,096 --> 00:47:13,308 Look, I was being ironic. 580 00:47:13,475 --> 00:47:15,810 Guys? 581 00:47:24,944 --> 00:47:27,030 McLaren. 582 00:47:27,197 --> 00:47:29,991 - She knows my name. - That's not a good sign. 583 00:47:30,158 --> 00:47:34,954 She is pure. 584 00:47:39,250 --> 00:47:41,294 Fletch! 585 00:47:48,176 --> 00:47:50,845 When in Rome... 586 00:47:58,770 --> 00:48:01,564 - Get away from him. - Fuck off! 587 00:48:26,798 --> 00:48:30,468 - Nice. - Get her into the shower. 588 00:48:30,635 --> 00:48:33,388 Quick! Quick! 589 00:48:33,555 --> 00:48:35,223 Quick! Turn it on! 590 00:48:38,893 --> 00:48:42,689 Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name. 591 00:48:42,856 --> 00:48:45,525 Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth... 592 00:48:45,692 --> 00:48:49,779 Give us this day... Push her back! She must stay underwater. 593 00:48:49,946 --> 00:48:52,657 Push her back! Push her back under. 594 00:48:52,824 --> 00:48:57,287 - Oh, God! - Keep her under! Don't let her go! 595 00:48:57,454 --> 00:49:01,583 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil... 596 00:49:01,750 --> 00:49:04,461 ...as we forgive those who trespass against us... 597 00:49:04,627 --> 00:49:07,297 - Fuck off! - Keep going. 598 00:49:07,464 --> 00:49:11,634 Fucking hell! 599 00:49:11,801 --> 00:49:14,262 For Thine is the kingdom. Jesus compels you! 600 00:49:14,429 --> 00:49:17,557 Oh, God, I love Jesus! I love you, Jesus. 601 00:49:17,724 --> 00:49:22,353 - And the glory forever. - All things bright and beautiful! 602 00:49:22,520 --> 00:49:24,814 Forever and ever. 603 00:49:28,902 --> 00:49:30,612 Amen. 604 00:49:31,571 --> 00:49:34,199 What the fuck? 605 00:49:34,365 --> 00:49:37,494 We need to go quickly. Your friends have already been taken. 606 00:49:37,660 --> 00:49:40,163 - Ah, shite. - There's no time to waste. Let's go! 607 00:49:40,330 --> 00:49:43,208 Hang on. How did you know all this was happening? 608 00:49:43,375 --> 00:49:45,877 You and your friends were sent as sacrifices. 609 00:49:46,044 --> 00:49:50,131 It's an age-old deal, where the villagers supply fresh blood. 610 00:49:50,298 --> 00:49:53,051 In return, they get to keep their cowardly hides. 611 00:49:53,218 --> 00:49:57,180 So we were just a light buffet for a bunch of hot dykes? 612 00:49:57,347 --> 00:50:01,684 To my shame, yes. Your friend's arrival in our hamlet is no coincidence. 613 00:50:01,851 --> 00:50:05,230 It's divine intervention fulfilling a primordial prophecy. 614 00:50:05,397 --> 00:50:08,525 - Balls! - Does he bear a birthmark? 615 00:50:08,691 --> 00:50:11,194 - Five red scratches around here? - Yeah. 616 00:50:11,361 --> 00:50:14,364 His bloodline is the key to the resurrection... 617 00:50:14,531 --> 00:50:19,160 ...of the purest evil known to mankind: Carmilla, the vampire queen. 618 00:50:19,327 --> 00:50:21,121 Eh? 619 00:50:21,287 --> 00:50:23,873 Paradoxically, the only thing that can lift this village... 620 00:50:24,040 --> 00:50:26,668 ...from a centuries-old curse that turns every woman... 621 00:50:26,835 --> 00:50:29,879 ...on her 18th birthday into a vampire. 622 00:50:30,046 --> 00:50:34,175 My daughter, Rebecca, becomes 18 within hours. 623 00:50:34,342 --> 00:50:37,470 Right. Look, I know you mean well. I really do. 624 00:50:37,637 --> 00:50:40,265 And I love the vibe. You look amazing. But... 625 00:50:40,432 --> 00:50:45,562 I've seen weird shit, and even under these circumstances this is a stretch. 626 00:50:45,729 --> 00:50:48,815 Jimmy's not the Messiah. He can barely wipe his own arse. 627 00:50:48,982 --> 00:50:52,277 I understand your confusion. Let's be on our way. 628 00:50:52,444 --> 00:50:55,113 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Daddy-o. Go where? 629 00:50:55,280 --> 00:50:58,658 - Back to the village. No time to waste. - Fuck that noise. 630 00:50:58,825 --> 00:51:01,161 - I'm sorry? - I'm not going back out there. 631 00:51:01,327 --> 00:51:05,081 I've nearly been eaten three times by the hottest women I've ever met. 632 00:51:05,248 --> 00:51:07,000 Starting to become a bind. 633 00:51:07,167 --> 00:51:11,254 But it's not too late to save your friends, this village, the entire world! 634 00:51:11,421 --> 00:51:13,923 Yeah, well, you know, best of luck with it. 635 00:51:14,090 --> 00:51:18,136 - I hope you get on all right. - Are you fucking with me? 636 00:51:18,303 --> 00:51:21,639 - Are you allowed to swear? - Shut up. 637 00:51:21,806 --> 00:51:25,685 You telling me you'd let eternal darkness sweep over this entire planet... 638 00:51:25,852 --> 00:51:28,772 ...and leave your friends to die? Your friends? 639 00:51:28,938 --> 00:51:32,358 Well, I only really know Jimmy. I just met the girl tonight. So... 640 00:51:32,525 --> 00:51:36,571 OK. Stay here and die. 641 00:51:41,284 --> 00:51:43,078 Oh... 642 00:51:46,873 --> 00:51:48,792 What's with all the scratches? 643 00:51:48,958 --> 00:51:51,127 The cruciform. It drives the beasts away. 644 00:51:53,046 --> 00:51:56,174 - It looks shit. - Just get in. 645 00:51:57,217 --> 00:52:01,096 OK, scratch master. Where the fuck are we going? 646 00:52:01,262 --> 00:52:03,556 The tomb of your friend's great ancestor. 647 00:52:35,463 --> 00:52:38,258 Fletch! 648 00:52:45,223 --> 00:52:49,018 Sisters... 649 00:52:49,185 --> 00:52:54,399 ...a moment that has infested our dreams and our desires... 650 00:52:54,566 --> 00:52:57,902 ...for what seems like an eternity... 651 00:52:58,069 --> 00:53:01,573 ...is finally upon us. 652 00:53:10,832 --> 00:53:13,460 For this night... 653 00:53:13,626 --> 00:53:18,381 ...the last of the McLaren clan shall fall... 654 00:53:18,548 --> 00:53:23,178 ...and our queen shall rise again. 655 00:53:23,344 --> 00:53:26,848 - Carmilla? - The vampire queen? 656 00:53:28,975 --> 00:53:31,269 Sorry. Carry on. 657 00:53:33,438 --> 00:53:36,691 So his blood mixed with my virgin blood brings her back? 658 00:53:36,858 --> 00:53:39,402 You know a lot, pretty one. 659 00:53:39,569 --> 00:53:42,947 I've heard of Carmilla, but never have I heard of you. 660 00:53:43,114 --> 00:53:46,367 Obviously you're not evil enough to even make the history books. 661 00:53:53,124 --> 00:53:55,168 Well... 662 00:53:55,335 --> 00:54:00,006 ...soon she will know of you. 663 00:54:01,591 --> 00:54:07,222 And with her resurrection, this land will be ensnared forever... 664 00:54:07,389 --> 00:54:11,059 ...in the dawn of the red moon. 665 00:54:17,649 --> 00:54:21,444 McLaren, these are your final moments on earth. 666 00:54:21,611 --> 00:54:23,947 Oh. Mmm. 667 00:54:32,372 --> 00:54:36,668 The final resting place of Baron Wolfgang McLaren III. 668 00:54:38,670 --> 00:54:40,630 Jimmy's the reason I ended up in this shit-hole? 669 00:54:40,797 --> 00:54:42,966 He is our salvation and our only hope. 670 00:54:43,133 --> 00:54:46,845 The prophesy foretold of when the last of the McLaren clan would return. 671 00:54:47,011 --> 00:54:50,265 With his blood and that of a virgin, Carmilla shall rise again. 672 00:54:50,432 --> 00:54:52,642 Concealed within this tomb is the weapon... 673 00:54:52,809 --> 00:54:55,603 ...that can slay the beast forever: The sword of Daeldo. 674 00:54:55,770 --> 00:54:59,315 - And what's that, then? - Daeldo, the god of lust... 675 00:54:59,482 --> 00:55:02,902 ...said to be Carmilla's arch demonic foe in the underworld of Hades. 676 00:55:03,069 --> 00:55:04,863 A hideous multi-tentacled beast. 677 00:55:05,029 --> 00:55:07,866 The only being brave enough to have tried to penetrate... 678 00:55:08,032 --> 00:55:11,035 Carmilla's vilest depths, and paid for it with his life. 679 00:55:11,202 --> 00:55:13,705 Let me get this straight. Your plan is... 680 00:55:13,872 --> 00:55:17,917 ...wait for this bitch to be resurrected, stake her with the sword of whatever... 681 00:55:18,084 --> 00:55:21,421 ...thus rescuing my mate, curing your daughter, ending the curse... 682 00:55:21,588 --> 00:55:24,549 - And saving the planet. - Exactly. So, are you with me? 683 00:55:24,716 --> 00:55:27,594 Not really. I ain't got much fucking choice, have I? 684 00:55:29,721 --> 00:55:32,474 You do this. I need to check on my Rebecca. 685 00:55:32,640 --> 00:55:34,768 What? Now I've got to unearth a corpse? 686 00:55:34,934 --> 00:55:38,688 - Concealed within this tomb is... - Yeah, yeah. Save me the monologues. 687 00:55:42,859 --> 00:55:46,154 This is officially the worst holiday ever. 688 00:56:08,968 --> 00:56:13,014 - So there's a red moon, right? - Forget about the red moon. 689 00:56:13,181 --> 00:56:15,392 She said the last McLaren will fall. 690 00:56:15,558 --> 00:56:18,603 Yeah, I kind of missed that bit. 691 00:56:18,770 --> 00:56:21,606 Oh. Well... 692 00:56:21,773 --> 00:56:25,402 - That'll be me, then. Oh, bollocks. - Shut up. I'm thinking. 693 00:56:25,568 --> 00:56:28,446 What can you be thinking about at a time like this? 694 00:56:28,613 --> 00:56:31,032 - How we are going to escape. - Fantastic. Any ideas? 695 00:56:31,199 --> 00:56:33,660 - No, have you? - Not a fucking sausage. 696 00:56:33,827 --> 00:56:35,328 Come on, think! 697 00:56:35,495 --> 00:56:39,165 I'm too busy shitting myself to come up with a daring escape plan. 698 00:56:52,721 --> 00:56:56,057 - You're cute. - What? 699 00:56:56,224 --> 00:56:58,226 It's our first argument. 700 00:57:04,315 --> 00:57:07,569 Vic, we're doomed. That ain't opening. 701 00:57:07,736 --> 00:57:09,779 Move. 702 00:57:14,868 --> 00:57:17,871 In my defence, I only tried that side, so... 703 00:57:31,009 --> 00:57:33,344 - You go down there, my boy. - Excuse me? 704 00:57:33,511 --> 00:57:37,849 - There's no time to waste. Hurry up. - Well, you go down, then. 705 00:57:40,560 --> 00:57:45,356 Oh, my... Unbelievable. It's not my daughter. 706 00:57:47,233 --> 00:57:52,363 - Can you see the sword? - Give me a minute, please. 707 00:57:52,530 --> 00:57:56,826 It's my first time in a tomb... Grave... Stone. 708 00:58:05,919 --> 00:58:07,587 What? What is it? 709 00:58:07,754 --> 00:58:10,673 It's nothing. 710 00:58:14,719 --> 00:58:19,849 What's so funny in there? 711 00:58:23,853 --> 00:58:26,398 It's got a big metal cock for a handle. 712 00:58:26,564 --> 00:58:30,360 Grow up! The handle draws on the power of the demon Daeldo... 713 00:58:30,527 --> 00:58:34,489 ...rendering this blade alone capable of destroying her once and for all. 714 00:58:35,990 --> 00:58:40,161 - What? How? - Itjust does, OK? 715 00:58:41,246 --> 00:58:45,125 We're gonna go there, and we're gonna to die, right? 716 00:58:45,291 --> 00:58:47,669 All because you insist some sword... 717 00:58:47,836 --> 00:58:50,630 ...with a metal cock on the end, can save the world? 718 00:58:50,797 --> 00:58:53,550 - You're a disgrace. - At least I can see the funny side. 719 00:58:53,717 --> 00:58:58,221 Let's get on with the job. I'll load up on weapons. You cover the baron up. 720 00:59:02,475 --> 00:59:05,520 Will you just admit it does look like a cock? 721 00:59:06,604 --> 00:59:11,234 Jimmy, can I tell you something? 722 00:59:11,401 --> 00:59:14,487 - Have you come up with a plan? - No, I'm still thinking. 723 00:59:14,654 --> 00:59:17,031 I think we're running out of time. 724 00:59:18,533 --> 00:59:22,037 I just wanted to say that had we met under different circumstances... 725 00:59:22,203 --> 00:59:24,456 I would've liked to have gotten to know you. 726 00:59:24,622 --> 00:59:26,374 - Really? - Yes. 727 00:59:26,541 --> 00:59:30,211 In fact, even though we've just spent a few hours together... 728 00:59:30,378 --> 00:59:32,672 I feel like I've known you forever. 729 00:59:36,259 --> 00:59:38,928 - Really? - Yes. 730 00:59:39,095 --> 00:59:42,098 I thought you might have picked up on my signals. 731 00:59:43,433 --> 00:59:45,769 Signals? What signals? What did I miss? 732 00:59:47,562 --> 00:59:49,314 Jimmy, I love you. 733 00:59:55,111 --> 00:59:58,406 - Well, that's just fucking great. - I didn't mean to upset you. 734 00:59:58,573 --> 01:00:02,744 - On the brink of death, you say that? - I can't die without letting you know... 735 01:00:02,911 --> 01:00:05,955 ...you're the first man I could share myself with completely. 736 01:00:06,122 --> 01:00:09,250 - Oh, for Christ's sake. - I would've given you everything: 737 01:00:09,417 --> 01:00:12,337 My mind, soul and body. 738 01:00:12,504 --> 01:00:16,341 - And body. Hmm. - And now that'll never be. 739 01:00:23,681 --> 01:00:26,559 - It is time. - Oh, God! 740 01:00:30,480 --> 01:00:33,608 - That's my penis. - Get off him, you bitch! He's mine! 741 01:00:43,993 --> 01:00:46,037 Wow. 742 01:00:51,960 --> 01:00:56,047 What? What did you just say? 743 01:00:56,214 --> 01:00:59,342 You called me a what? I'm a fat piece of what? 744 01:01:06,683 --> 01:01:10,895 No one messes with the Fletchmeister and his cock sword. 745 01:01:12,439 --> 01:01:18,194 Oh, hello. Um, I wasn't doing, um... 746 01:01:18,361 --> 01:01:22,198 Star Wars is not, uh... Aah! Chewie. I wasn't... 747 01:01:22,365 --> 01:01:25,535 What are you doing out? You probably shouldn't be out here. 748 01:01:25,702 --> 01:01:28,496 I know. 749 01:01:28,663 --> 01:01:32,917 - So, it's your birthday? - Today. 750 01:01:33,084 --> 01:01:35,420 It's just gone midnight. 751 01:01:36,796 --> 01:01:40,550 All... Grown... Up. 752 01:01:43,136 --> 01:01:46,014 - So you're 18? - Uh-huh. 753 01:01:46,848 --> 01:01:48,892 - But Daddy wouldn't approve anyway. - Oh. 754 01:01:58,068 --> 01:02:00,111 Daddy! 755 01:02:18,630 --> 01:02:20,799 Fletch! 756 01:02:27,263 --> 01:02:29,349 - Ready? - Yep. 757 01:02:31,226 --> 01:02:35,105 We have little time. My Rebecca will soon be taken. 758 01:02:35,271 --> 01:02:37,023 Yep. 759 01:02:58,670 --> 01:03:01,297 You have his eyes. 760 01:03:01,464 --> 01:03:04,300 I used to love those eyes. 761 01:03:04,467 --> 01:03:07,512 Until I learned how pathetic men are. 762 01:03:15,770 --> 01:03:19,232 Mmm! Exquisite. 763 01:03:20,024 --> 01:03:24,696 I will bleed you slowly and let Carmilla feed upon your flesh... 764 01:03:24,863 --> 01:03:27,490 ...while it is still warm in your veins. 765 01:03:39,002 --> 01:03:44,591 Amazing grace. 766 01:03:44,758 --> 01:03:49,637 Look, the moon bleeds. The resurrection has begun. 767 01:03:49,804 --> 01:03:52,515 Here. Holy water. 768 01:03:52,682 --> 01:03:55,060 It's like a fucking hand grenade of acid. 769 01:03:55,226 --> 01:03:56,936 - You said "fucking" again. - So? 770 01:03:57,103 --> 01:03:58,605 - It's weird. - Get over it. 771 01:03:58,772 --> 01:04:01,775 There's no need to panic, my friend. Just stay close to me. 772 01:04:01,941 --> 01:04:04,819 I'm well-versed in the knowledge of killing vampires. 773 01:04:04,986 --> 01:04:10,450 Yeah, so is everyone. Stakes, garlic, beheading, holy water, sunlight... 774 01:04:10,617 --> 01:04:13,036 There's not a fucker alive who doesn't know that. 775 01:04:13,203 --> 01:04:14,996 - Really? - Yeah. 776 01:04:15,163 --> 01:04:18,500 It's in books, films, telly. It's pretty common knowledge. 777 01:04:24,798 --> 01:04:27,759 Were you expecting many sexual encounters, my friend? 778 01:04:30,095 --> 01:04:31,846 Water bomb fight. 779 01:04:32,013 --> 01:04:35,725 So where's this resurrection likely to be happening? 780 01:04:35,892 --> 01:04:39,437 In there. The crypt of Carmilla. 781 01:04:39,604 --> 01:04:42,190 I knew you were gonna say that. 782 01:04:42,357 --> 01:04:44,901 Never going to be somewhere un-scary-sounding... 783 01:04:45,068 --> 01:04:46,986 ...like the garden or scullery? 784 01:04:47,153 --> 01:04:48,905 - "Scullery" is quite scary. - Eh? 785 01:04:49,072 --> 01:04:51,241 "Scullery" has got the word "skull" in it. 786 01:04:51,408 --> 01:04:54,828 As opposed to the crypt, which has got corpses in it. Well observed. 787 01:04:56,996 --> 01:05:00,166 Remember this: They can die fast or they can die slow... 788 01:05:00,333 --> 01:05:01,751 ...but they have to die. 789 01:05:01,918 --> 01:05:05,922 - Can't we do this in the morning? - It may be too late for your friends. 790 01:05:06,089 --> 01:05:09,300 - It will be too late for Rebecca. - No, I'm good. 791 01:05:09,467 --> 01:05:11,177 Well, this is it. 792 01:05:11,344 --> 01:05:15,598 Good luck, Fletch. Let's try to come back alive. 793 01:05:15,765 --> 01:05:17,600 Vic... 794 01:05:19,477 --> 01:05:22,063 If I don't make it out of this... 795 01:05:22,230 --> 01:05:25,108 ...there's one thing I want you to know: 796 01:05:25,275 --> 01:05:27,610 I blame you entirely. 797 01:06:25,627 --> 01:06:29,339 So this is how your bloodline ends: 798 01:06:29,506 --> 01:06:31,633 Crying like a baby. 799 01:06:31,800 --> 01:06:35,053 Begging for your life. 800 01:06:35,220 --> 01:06:38,181 - Please... - Jimmy, pull yourself together. 801 01:06:38,348 --> 01:06:41,184 - Don't give her the satisfaction. - No. 802 01:06:41,351 --> 01:06:45,063 You'll give me my satisfaction. 803 01:06:45,230 --> 01:06:48,191 Lotte, just so you know, before she turns you... 804 01:06:48,358 --> 01:06:50,902 I found you really attractive, pre-vampirism. 805 01:06:51,069 --> 01:06:53,780 You did? 806 01:07:00,787 --> 01:07:02,789 - We have an escape plan. - What? 807 01:07:02,956 --> 01:07:04,290 Fletch will save us. 808 01:07:04,457 --> 01:07:07,252 Fletch? He's fucking useless. We're dead meat. 809 01:07:07,419 --> 01:07:10,797 - Hey! You cheeky prick. - Fletch! 810 01:07:10,964 --> 01:07:13,049 Although, to be fair... 811 01:07:13,216 --> 01:07:16,302 ...if I could've avoided being here, I would've. 812 01:07:23,017 --> 01:07:26,146 Oh, damn. 813 01:07:26,312 --> 01:07:29,524 I told you he was fucking useless. 814 01:07:30,692 --> 01:07:33,820 - Damn, damn! - You ever fired that thing before? 815 01:07:33,987 --> 01:07:36,740 - First time. - Watch and weep. So! 816 01:07:38,366 --> 01:07:41,536 You clam-lappers fancy a piece of me then, do you? 817 01:07:43,163 --> 01:07:45,874 - Come on, then. - Kill them. 818 01:07:46,041 --> 01:07:49,961 Oh, fuck! 819 01:08:07,854 --> 01:08:10,440 Oh, wait up. Fuck this. 820 01:08:10,607 --> 01:08:13,693 Your friend's blood has already been drawn. 821 01:08:13,860 --> 01:08:16,738 - The resurrection has begun. - We gotta get out of here. 822 01:08:16,905 --> 01:08:19,491 We can't. Darkness is upon us. Your friends, Rebecca... 823 01:08:19,657 --> 01:08:21,826 I reckon I can probably live with that. 824 01:08:21,993 --> 01:08:23,828 ...and the entire fucking world! 825 01:08:23,995 --> 01:08:27,457 You know how to put a guilt trip on, don't you, you fucker? 826 01:08:28,583 --> 01:08:33,171 Right. Let's do this. 827 01:08:38,051 --> 01:08:42,764 - It'll be OK. - How can this be OK? 828 01:08:42,931 --> 01:08:45,141 All I wanted to do was enjoy life. 829 01:08:45,308 --> 01:08:47,769 Hike, get some fresh air, a few pints. 830 01:08:47,936 --> 01:08:50,397 But no. Nothing's as simple as that, is it? 831 01:08:50,563 --> 01:08:53,108 And now we're gonna end up dead. 832 01:08:53,274 --> 01:08:56,903 Well, I'm gonna end up dead. You'll be a lesbian. 833 01:08:57,070 --> 01:08:59,572 And I've not even made love to a man. 834 01:08:59,739 --> 01:09:01,366 Oh! 835 01:09:09,916 --> 01:09:11,376 The crypt is through here. 836 01:09:13,503 --> 01:09:15,672 - Fletch! - Spiritus Sancti. 837 01:09:17,674 --> 01:09:19,676 Fletch! 838 01:09:20,927 --> 01:09:24,389 - Spiritus sancti. - Hurry up! 839 01:09:24,556 --> 01:09:27,559 - Jimmy? - Back, you spawn of Satan. 840 01:09:29,728 --> 01:09:31,146 - Fletch? - How you been? 841 01:09:31,312 --> 01:09:33,523 Up and down. 842 01:09:37,152 --> 01:09:40,238 - There's only one solution now. - The big cock sword. 843 01:09:40,405 --> 01:09:41,781 - What? - Long story. 844 01:09:43,491 --> 01:09:46,745 - Hand me the sword of Daeldo. - Haven't you got it? 845 01:09:46,911 --> 01:09:48,163 I thought you had it. 846 01:09:48,329 --> 01:09:50,498 You're going on about how important it is. 847 01:09:50,665 --> 01:09:53,543 All we've got to do is wait for this bitch to rise, stab her... 848 01:09:53,710 --> 01:09:56,337 - And you forgot the sword? - Get it. I'll keep 'em off. 849 01:09:56,504 --> 01:09:58,798 - Tell Rebecca I love her. - About Rebecca... 850 01:09:58,965 --> 01:10:00,550 - Run, you fool! - All right! 851 01:10:31,039 --> 01:10:33,291 Jesus! 852 01:11:49,034 --> 01:11:53,621 - Whores of fucking Hades. - Annihilate him. 853 01:11:57,500 --> 01:12:01,921 Prepare for fucking death! 854 01:12:11,806 --> 01:12:15,018 Come on, you silly fuckers! 855 01:12:16,144 --> 01:12:19,814 - Lotte! - It's playtime, darling. 856 01:12:28,365 --> 01:12:30,784 Mmm! You are a feisty one. 857 01:12:33,203 --> 01:12:35,663 I like it. Aah! 858 01:12:44,881 --> 01:12:47,675 - It won't budge. - I have to help her. 859 01:12:47,842 --> 01:12:49,928 It's not gonna work. 860 01:12:52,055 --> 01:12:56,810 - What is it with you and doors? - Let's ram it. 861 01:13:01,398 --> 01:13:04,150 Mmm! You taste divine. 862 01:13:08,405 --> 01:13:10,198 - Keys. - Vicar's got them. 863 01:13:10,365 --> 01:13:12,283 - What? - Know how to hotwire a hearse? 864 01:13:12,450 --> 01:13:14,452 - Yeah, no worries. - Brilliant. Let's go. 865 01:13:14,619 --> 01:13:16,663 - Of course I don't, you idiot. - Shit. 866 01:13:25,296 --> 01:13:29,551 First I'm going to torture you, then I'm going to turn you. 867 01:13:29,718 --> 01:13:32,637 - You'll be my plaything. - Never! 868 01:13:32,804 --> 01:13:34,264 That's it, then. 869 01:13:34,431 --> 01:13:36,975 The problem with you, James, you're a pessimist. 870 01:13:37,142 --> 01:13:41,062 You might want to grab weapons. We could be in for a ruck. 871 01:13:50,113 --> 01:13:51,906 Come on! 872 01:14:00,206 --> 01:14:03,626 - That sword's got a cock for a handle. - It's funny, isn't it? 873 01:14:03,793 --> 01:14:06,796 It's the only thing that'll destroy that psycho bitch. 874 01:14:06,963 --> 01:14:08,882 It's very powerful and very ancient. 875 01:14:09,049 --> 01:14:11,968 - Sort of gay. - So get your own fucking sword. 876 01:14:35,075 --> 01:14:38,161 I knew you would not resist me forever. 877 01:14:57,555 --> 01:15:00,642 Sorry, you're not my type. 878 01:15:21,579 --> 01:15:25,250 - Whoo-hoo! - Lotte. 879 01:16:06,082 --> 01:16:08,293 - Bollocks. - Fletch. 880 01:16:31,232 --> 01:16:34,319 Oh, my God! 881 01:17:07,685 --> 01:17:09,771 McLaren. 882 01:17:18,738 --> 01:17:21,908 - Jimmy! - Throw it like you mean it! 883 01:17:43,263 --> 01:17:47,308 Un-fucking-believable! 884 01:18:41,112 --> 01:18:44,074 Is somebody taking the piss? 885 01:18:44,240 --> 01:18:48,078 The sword of Daeldo is a mighty weapon indeed. 886 01:18:49,496 --> 01:18:51,122 Looks like the vic was right. 887 01:18:51,289 --> 01:18:54,709 Everyone seems to know what's going on bar me. Whatjust happened? 888 01:18:54,876 --> 01:18:58,004 It's all cock swords and scary stuff and history and that. 889 01:18:58,171 --> 01:19:00,215 - I'll tell you later. - Tell me now. 890 01:19:00,382 --> 01:19:01,758 - I will. - When? 891 01:19:01,925 --> 01:19:03,843 Mate, do you want to calm down? 892 01:19:04,010 --> 01:19:07,263 I've had a bit of a busy night. I'll tell you in a minute. 893 01:19:07,430 --> 01:19:10,141 - Whoa. - No, look. Sunlight. 894 01:19:10,308 --> 01:19:13,853 The curse has lifted. 895 01:19:14,020 --> 01:19:17,899 - So they're not vampires anymore? - No. 896 01:19:18,066 --> 01:19:21,361 Cool. Are they still lesbians? 897 01:19:21,528 --> 01:19:25,031 For fuck's sake. 898 01:19:27,575 --> 01:19:29,411 Uh... 899 01:19:37,752 --> 01:19:40,422 Unbelievable. Save the day, not even a kiss. 900 01:19:40,588 --> 01:19:43,091 Do you know what? Actually, forget it. 901 01:19:43,258 --> 01:19:45,176 Forget it. Forget it. Let it go. 902 01:19:45,343 --> 01:19:48,054 Let it go, Fletch. You're the bigger man. 903 01:19:54,477 --> 01:19:58,815 Whoa! That's some mighty fine hotwiring skills you got there, lady. 904 01:19:58,982 --> 01:20:01,443 Thanks. Right. Now what? 905 01:20:01,609 --> 01:20:04,195 Don't know. Go home? 906 01:20:04,362 --> 01:20:08,366 Go home? They've taken my friends, they very nearly took our lives... 907 01:20:08,533 --> 01:20:11,453 ...and we never even dreamed they existed before tonight. 908 01:20:11,619 --> 01:20:14,914 How can we just go home to our beds? 909 01:20:15,081 --> 01:20:17,292 - What's she talking about? - Uh... 910 01:20:17,459 --> 01:20:19,002 This village is free... 911 01:20:19,169 --> 01:20:22,881 ...but more creatures like Carmilla lurk in the dark corners of the world. 912 01:20:23,048 --> 01:20:25,258 No one would believe us if we tell. 913 01:20:25,425 --> 01:20:27,927 We are the only people who know the truth. 914 01:20:28,094 --> 01:20:30,805 We must go out there and fight this menace. 915 01:20:30,972 --> 01:20:34,976 Are you suggesting we become lesbian vampire killers? 916 01:20:35,143 --> 01:20:38,063 If that's what it takes,ja. 917 01:20:40,398 --> 01:20:44,986 Well, I ain't got anything else on in particular at the moment, so I'm in. 918 01:20:45,153 --> 01:20:47,072 - Jim? - I don't know. 919 01:20:47,238 --> 01:20:50,408 Oh, come on. It's in your blood, your destiny, all that shit. 920 01:20:50,575 --> 01:20:51,993 - Huh? - I'll tell you later. 921 01:20:52,160 --> 01:20:56,081 - Come on. You might as well. - Join us. 922 01:20:56,247 --> 01:20:59,292 Lesbian vampire killers, it is. Let's ride. 923 01:20:59,459 --> 01:21:01,711 Whoo-hoo! 924 01:21:37,956 --> 01:21:41,042 Let's go for a little walk. 925 01:21:41,209 --> 01:21:44,254 Under the moon above. 926 01:21:44,421 --> 01:21:47,757 Let's sit down and talk. 927 01:21:47,924 --> 01:21:50,093 Under the moon of love. 928 01:21:50,260 --> 01:21:53,096 I wanna tell you that I love you. 929 01:21:53,263 --> 01:21:58,101 And I want you to be my girl Little darling, let's walk, let's talk. 930 01:21:58,268 --> 01:22:03,231 - Under the moon of love. - The moon of love... 931 01:22:03,398 --> 01:22:06,693 You are looking so lovely. 932 01:22:06,860 --> 01:22:10,196 Under the moon of love. 933 01:22:10,363 --> 01:22:12,824 Your eyes shine so brightly. 934 01:22:12,991 --> 01:22:15,577 Under the moon of love. 935 01:22:15,744 --> 01:22:18,663 I wanna go all the time. 936 01:22:18,830 --> 01:22:20,957 You'll be my love tonight. 937 01:22:21,124 --> 01:22:24,002 Little darling, let's walk, let's talk. 938 01:22:24,169 --> 01:22:28,256 - Under the moon of love. - The moon of love. 939 01:22:28,423 --> 01:22:30,675 I want to talk sweet talk. 940 01:22:30,842 --> 01:22:34,763 And whisper things in your ear. 941 01:22:34,929 --> 01:22:39,976 I'm gonna tell you lots of things I know you've been longing to hear. 942 01:22:40,143 --> 01:22:42,645 Come on, little darling, take my hand. 943 01:22:42,812 --> 01:22:45,356 Let's go for a little walk. 944 01:22:45,523 --> 01:22:48,526 Under the moon of love. 945 01:22:48,693 --> 01:22:51,780 Let's sit down and talk. 946 01:22:51,946 --> 01:22:53,907 Under the moon of love. 947 01:22:54,074 --> 01:22:57,494 I wanna tell you that I love you. 948 01:22:57,660 --> 01:23:02,749 And I want you to be my girl. Little darling, let's walk, let's talk. 949 01:23:02,916 --> 01:23:07,087 - Under the moon of love. - The moon of love.