1
00:00:47,397 --> 00:00:52,318
Centuries ago,
during the dawn of the red moon...
2
00:00:52,485 --> 00:00:56,573
...our peaceful hamlet
was terrorised by a beast...
3
00:00:59,033 --> 00:01:02,078
...born not of man, but spewed forth...
4
00:01:02,245 --> 00:01:06,374
...from the fieriest pits of Hades...
5
00:01:06,541 --> 00:01:11,838
...with an evil fuelled by
a hatred of men and a love of women.
6
00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:17,010
Its name: Carmilla, the vampire queen.
7
00:01:17,177 --> 00:01:20,263
No one could defeat her, save one man:
8
00:01:20,430 --> 00:01:25,935
A baron away for decades
fighting in the Crusades.
9
00:01:26,102 --> 00:01:29,564
Upon his return, the baron found
that Carmilla's desires...
10
00:01:29,731 --> 00:01:32,817
...had ensnared his beautiful wife, Eva...
11
00:01:32,984 --> 00:01:35,653
...and turned her into a lover
of the vagine.
12
00:01:35,820 --> 00:01:37,697
No!
13
00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:43,411
Consumed with vengeance,
the baron pledged to destroy Carmilla...
14
00:01:43,745 --> 00:01:45,330
...and flee the village.
15
00:01:46,623 --> 00:01:49,000
He unearthed the sacred
Books of Nekros...
16
00:01:49,167 --> 00:01:51,711
...where he discovered
the only way of slaying...
17
00:01:51,878 --> 00:01:56,257
...this unholy harpy, once and for all,
was to forge a sacred sword...
18
00:01:56,424 --> 00:02:00,720
...a weapon blessed with
an ancient Babylonian hex...
19
00:02:00,887 --> 00:02:04,015
...and infused with his own blood.
20
00:02:04,182 --> 00:02:08,353
Without fear,
he confronted Carmilla.
21
00:02:15,735 --> 00:02:19,447
But before the baron
could strike the fatal blow...
22
00:02:19,614 --> 00:02:22,992
Carmilla laid down a curse most vile.
23
00:02:23,159 --> 00:02:26,246
As you strike me down,
so you shall release evil...
24
00:02:26,413 --> 00:02:29,666
...within me into your daughters
and your daughters' daughters...
25
00:02:29,833 --> 00:02:33,795
...and they shall not rest
until your bloodline's ended.
26
00:02:33,962 --> 00:02:37,632
They will know your breed
by these marks above your heart.
27
00:02:37,799 --> 00:02:40,885
And when the life's blood
of the last of your line...
28
00:02:41,052 --> 00:02:43,179
...mixes with that of a virgin girl...
29
00:02:43,346 --> 00:02:48,436
I shall rise again, more powerful
than you will ever imagine.
30
00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:52,313
And with that,
he lopped her fucking head off.
31
00:02:56,568 --> 00:02:59,070
Henceforth,
every woman in our village...
32
00:02:59,237 --> 00:03:02,615
...upon her 18th birthday,
is turned by the curse...
33
00:03:02,782 --> 00:03:05,744
...and reborn a lesbian vampire.
34
00:03:05,910 --> 00:03:09,247
Our only salvation is a prophecy
that foretells of the day...
35
00:03:09,414 --> 00:03:12,041
...when the last descendent
of the baron's bloodline...
36
00:03:12,208 --> 00:03:15,754
...shall return to this hamlet and vanquish
Carmilla's curse forever.
37
00:03:17,881 --> 00:03:20,467
That time... Has begun.
38
00:03:20,633 --> 00:03:25,805
- I'm not happy, Jimmy.
- Why? What did I do wrong?
39
00:03:25,972 --> 00:03:28,975
Things are different now
to how they used to be.
40
00:03:29,142 --> 00:03:32,604
I just don't love you anymore.
No, I love you.
41
00:03:32,771 --> 00:03:36,274
I'm just not in love with you.
42
00:03:36,441 --> 00:03:40,570
- You know I'll always love you.
- You say that every time you dump me.
43
00:03:40,737 --> 00:03:43,740
I don't dump you, Jimmy.
I just take time out...
44
00:03:43,907 --> 00:03:46,701
...to re-evaluate the parameters
of our relationship.
45
00:03:46,868 --> 00:03:51,623
That's what makes us so strong together.
46
00:03:51,790 --> 00:03:55,043
If we're that strong together,
why are you dumping me... Again?
47
00:03:55,210 --> 00:03:59,214
I'm not dumping you. I just think
we're stronger together apart.
48
00:03:59,380 --> 00:04:01,674
That doesn't make
grammatical sense, so...
49
00:04:01,841 --> 00:04:06,137
Feel it with your heart,
and know what I'm saying is true.
50
00:04:06,304 --> 00:04:10,725
- So... You are dumping me?
- No.
51
00:04:10,892 --> 00:04:13,645
But, also in a sense, yes.
52
00:04:15,021 --> 00:04:17,023
- Yes!
- Shit.
53
00:04:21,778 --> 00:04:23,530
I'm not happy, Fletch.
54
00:04:23,696 --> 00:04:25,824
I'm trying my best, Miss Rossi.
55
00:04:25,990 --> 00:04:27,742
Your bestjust isn't good enough.
56
00:04:28,076 --> 00:04:30,787
- What more do you want me to do?
- I don't know.
57
00:04:30,954 --> 00:04:33,206
- This has to be the end of the line.
- What?
58
00:04:33,373 --> 00:04:36,501
- What did I do wrong?
- You punched him in the face.
59
00:04:36,668 --> 00:04:40,422
You know what I get like when people
mess with my shit. He had it coming.
60
00:04:40,588 --> 00:04:43,174
He was seven.
You're a children's clown.
61
00:04:43,341 --> 00:04:46,177
Old enough to know
not to go messing with my shit.
62
00:04:46,344 --> 00:04:47,804
Fletch, you punched a child.
63
00:04:48,012 --> 00:04:50,473
He was spraying me
with my own seltzer bottle.
64
00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:53,476
- What was I supposed to do?
- Not hit him.
65
00:04:53,643 --> 00:04:57,230
Then he shouldn't be spraying
my ball sac. It was only a tap.
66
00:04:57,397 --> 00:05:00,942
- You gave him a bloody nose!
- I look like I pissed myself!
67
00:05:01,109 --> 00:05:05,113
Christ, Fletch. I don't know
why you do these things.
68
00:05:06,823 --> 00:05:08,491
I guess I just don't like kids.
69
00:05:08,658 --> 00:05:11,870
I keep telling you,
they're a pre-requisite of the job.
70
00:05:12,036 --> 00:05:14,664
I know. A slight problem.
71
00:05:15,623 --> 00:05:18,126
Maybe I could just be
a clown for adults.
72
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:23,089
- You're fired.
- Do I get to keep the costume?
73
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:27,135
No. Drop your costume at the desk
on the way out. Goodbye, Fletch.
74
00:05:36,978 --> 00:05:39,397
- Do I get this week's money?
- Goodbye, Fletch.
75
00:05:39,564 --> 00:05:42,108
I'm cryin'blood.
76
00:05:42,442 --> 00:05:44,527
I'm cryin'blood.
77
00:05:44,694 --> 00:05:48,114
I'm cryin' tears from my eyes
that I can't deny.
78
00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:51,117
And I'm fallin'like a comet
from the sky.
79
00:05:51,284 --> 00:05:53,495
I'm cryin'blood.
80
00:05:53,661 --> 00:05:56,247
I'm cryin'blood.
81
00:05:56,414 --> 00:05:59,793
I'm cryin' tears from my eyes
that I can't deny.
82
00:05:59,959 --> 00:06:03,088
And I'm fallin'like a comet
from the broken sky.
83
00:06:03,254 --> 00:06:04,339
Oh, how you.
84
00:06:04,506 --> 00:06:05,632
Oh, how you need me.
85
00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:07,675
Desperately.
86
00:06:07,842 --> 00:06:09,094
Desperately need me.
87
00:06:09,260 --> 00:06:10,553
Wish you could...
88
00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:13,014
I've come up with a plan
for getting her back.
89
00:06:13,181 --> 00:06:14,724
What, like revenge?
90
00:06:14,891 --> 00:06:18,520
No, getting her back, not
"getting her back" getting her back.
91
00:06:18,686 --> 00:06:22,774
Getting her back.
Number one: Take her on holiday.
92
00:06:22,941 --> 00:06:25,318
Stop there.
That's just fucking stupid.
93
00:06:25,485 --> 00:06:28,363
- The two of us, on our own...
- On your own?
94
00:06:28,530 --> 00:06:31,825
Like when you went to Falaraki
and she dumped you and banged that...
95
00:06:31,991 --> 00:06:34,327
...water ski instructor
with highlights and necklace?
96
00:06:34,494 --> 00:06:37,497
She didn't dump me.
She told me she was just... Confused.
97
00:06:37,664 --> 00:06:40,333
Not that confused she couldn't
figure out where to put his cock.
98
00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:45,088
- That's my bird you're talking about.
- No. No, it isn't. Not anymore.
99
00:06:46,965 --> 00:06:50,427
Look, you need to get away
from all this shit.
100
00:06:50,593 --> 00:06:53,096
Let us have a wacky adventure,
you and me.
101
00:06:53,263 --> 00:06:56,599
I'm not gonna bum you, but I think
you could use a distraction.
102
00:06:56,766 --> 00:07:00,395
Say what you like, but you cannot
deny I am incredibly distracting.
103
00:07:00,562 --> 00:07:02,814
- Some might say annoying.
- And that...
104
00:07:04,023 --> 00:07:06,693
I don't know.
Where do you suggest we go?
105
00:07:08,027 --> 00:07:10,196
Ibiza.
106
00:07:11,281 --> 00:07:16,327
The sun, the sea, the sand,
clubs and fanny.
107
00:07:16,494 --> 00:07:22,083
Lots and lots of fanny.
Loads and loads of fanny.
108
00:07:22,250 --> 00:07:25,628
A gargantuan amount of "vajay".
109
00:07:25,795 --> 00:07:28,923
All wanting to shag you, Jimmy McLaren...
110
00:07:29,090 --> 00:07:33,887
...and if there's a few stragglers
who fancy a go on me, then so be it.
111
00:07:35,722 --> 00:07:37,265
I can't. I'm skint.
112
00:07:37,432 --> 00:07:40,101
What? I thought
you had loads saved up.
113
00:07:40,268 --> 00:07:42,395
Yeah... I lent it to Judy to buy a car.
114
00:07:42,562 --> 00:07:47,067
Oh, my God! Why don't you just get
"total twat" tattooed on your forehead?
115
00:07:47,233 --> 00:07:50,070
Can't you see what that witch
has done to our lives?
116
00:07:50,236 --> 00:07:54,532
Relied on that money for my holiday.
Our holiday, I mean.
117
00:07:54,699 --> 00:07:58,078
- How much have you got?
- Um...
118
00:07:58,244 --> 00:08:00,163
Uh, well...
119
00:08:00,330 --> 00:08:02,957
Tricky, because
I've sort of been sacked.
120
00:08:03,124 --> 00:08:05,001
- You hit another girl?
- It was a boy.
121
00:08:05,168 --> 00:08:06,711
I don't want to talk about it.
122
00:08:06,878 --> 00:08:11,549
So what we're essentially saying is that
neither of us can afford to go anywhere.
123
00:08:11,716 --> 00:08:13,009
- Pretty much.
- Brilliant.
124
00:08:33,863 --> 00:08:36,825
Uh, hello. Wasn't expecting you.
125
00:08:36,991 --> 00:08:39,786
- I've finally done it!
- Done what?
126
00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:43,957
Get the "champers" on ice.
I'm all yours, honey.
127
00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:48,461
- Oh, bloody hell.
- I've left him for good this time...
128
00:08:48,628 --> 00:08:51,840
...so you and me can have fun.
129
00:08:52,006 --> 00:08:54,509
You've done what?
130
00:08:54,676 --> 00:08:57,762
Let's celebrate. Naughty boy!
131
00:09:01,599 --> 00:09:03,518
Who the hell are you?
132
00:09:04,853 --> 00:09:08,064
- Who the hell are you?
- I'm his girlfriend.
133
00:09:08,231 --> 00:09:13,862
Really? I'm his wife.
134
00:09:14,028 --> 00:09:16,573
Right.
135
00:09:21,661 --> 00:09:23,580
- Dave, get back here!
- In my defence...
136
00:09:23,747 --> 00:09:26,374
I never meant for you to find out.
137
00:09:34,841 --> 00:09:38,762
- I got a plan.
- Does it involve girls?
138
00:09:38,928 --> 00:09:42,432
- It's cheap.
- Yeah. Does it involve girls?
139
00:09:42,599 --> 00:09:46,186
Let's... Go... Hiking.
140
00:09:49,773 --> 00:09:53,234
That... is one of the most
depressingly shitty...
141
00:09:53,401 --> 00:09:56,696
...ideas for a holiday
I've ever heard in my life, ever.
142
00:09:56,863 --> 00:10:00,742
- It's a great idea.
- You're a penis!
143
00:10:02,452 --> 00:10:05,705
Wherever it lands on the map,
we go there.
144
00:10:05,872 --> 00:10:07,916
Leave it to the hands of fate.
145
00:10:08,083 --> 00:10:09,334
- What do you say?
- No.
146
00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:11,795
- It'll be brilliant.
- It will be shit.
147
00:10:11,961 --> 00:10:13,755
Let the dart show us the way.
148
00:10:15,590 --> 00:10:17,217
All right, then. Fuck it.
149
00:10:17,383 --> 00:10:20,720
I'm only agreeing because
I'm feeling for you right now...
150
00:10:20,887 --> 00:10:24,766
...and because
I'm unbelievably shit-faced.
151
00:10:24,933 --> 00:10:27,977
Throw it like you mean it, McLaren.
152
00:10:47,330 --> 00:10:50,542
I never heard of it.
How do you say it? Crag...
153
00:10:50,708 --> 00:10:53,378
Cragwi... Cragwich?
154
00:10:53,545 --> 00:10:58,341
It's spelled A-D-V-N-T-U-R-E, my friend.
155
00:11:00,343 --> 00:11:02,679
Christ, you're a tit!
156
00:11:14,441 --> 00:11:18,111
Get that?
157
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:20,822
Country air. Nothing like it.
158
00:11:20,989 --> 00:11:23,491
Smells like normal air
with cow shit in it.
159
00:11:23,658 --> 00:11:26,619
Exactly. Nothing like the
pervading stench of faeces...
160
00:11:26,786 --> 00:11:28,872
...to take your mind off your troubles.
161
00:11:31,374 --> 00:11:33,710
Have you brought anything besides beer?
162
00:11:39,549 --> 00:11:42,218
You're expecting a
water bomb fight or something?
163
00:11:52,896 --> 00:11:54,814
- Hello?
- Jimmy, it's me.
164
00:11:54,981 --> 00:11:57,400
- Judy?
- Yes! Look, Jimmy.
165
00:11:57,567 --> 00:12:01,112
I've been thinking, and I realise
I've made a terrible mistake.
166
00:12:01,279 --> 00:12:04,866
I want to come back, Jimmy.
I... Love you.
167
00:12:05,033 --> 00:12:06,785
- What?
- I love you!
168
00:12:06,951 --> 00:12:10,663
Hello?
169
00:12:10,830 --> 00:12:12,749
I can't hear... Hello?
170
00:12:12,916 --> 00:12:15,794
Judy?
171
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:17,921
I'll drive to meet you.
172
00:12:18,088 --> 00:12:21,633
We can talk, the two of us.
We can work everything out.
173
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:25,178
When I get there,
you can wear my panties.
174
00:12:35,230 --> 00:12:39,943
- Why'd you do that?
- We are here to hike.
175
00:12:40,110 --> 00:12:44,072
But... I can't fucking believe
you just done that!
176
00:12:44,239 --> 00:12:47,075
OK, maybe I did overreact
a bit, and I'm sorry.
177
00:12:47,242 --> 00:12:50,161
I'll, um, buy you another one. Jim...
178
00:12:50,328 --> 00:12:52,580
Jim!
179
00:13:01,589 --> 00:13:03,508
Hold up a minute.
180
00:13:12,851 --> 00:13:15,770
Can't we take a little rest?
I'm getting a stitch.
181
00:13:15,937 --> 00:13:19,107
We've only been walking
for three minutes.
182
00:13:19,274 --> 00:13:22,318
Yeah, but you're not walking.
You're virtually running.
183
00:13:22,485 --> 00:13:24,237
It's like you're in a mood with me.
184
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:28,575
- I can't imagine why. Can you?
- You're getting a real attitude.
185
00:13:28,742 --> 00:13:30,827
- Oh, fuck off.
- No, you fuck off.
186
00:13:30,994 --> 00:13:33,496
I've dragged my arse
to some leafy shit-hole...
187
00:13:33,663 --> 00:13:37,333
I can't even pronounce, for you,
and look how ungrateful you're being.
188
00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:41,337
Ungrateful? You stamped on my phone
whilst Judy was trying to make up.
189
00:13:41,504 --> 00:13:43,381
What? Like the last seven times?
190
00:13:43,548 --> 00:13:46,801
You're a mental case holding out
for that serial dumper...
191
00:13:46,968 --> 00:13:50,680
...to have you back for the... Drum roll,
please... Eighth fucking time.
192
00:13:50,847 --> 00:13:53,266
That's why we're here
rather than somewhere...
193
00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:56,352
...it might be remotely possible
to engage a solitary woman...
194
00:13:56,519 --> 00:13:59,230
...in so much as a polite conversation.
195
00:14:01,191 --> 00:14:03,401
- There might be girls.
- Will there? Balls.
196
00:14:15,663 --> 00:14:17,040
Woman.
197
00:14:17,207 --> 00:14:18,875
You know you, Woman.
198
00:14:19,042 --> 00:14:20,710
You got to be a Woman.
199
00:14:20,877 --> 00:14:22,962
I've got the feeling of love.
200
00:14:23,129 --> 00:14:25,090
When you're talking to me.
201
00:14:25,256 --> 00:14:27,509
You see right through me.
202
00:14:27,675 --> 00:14:30,136
I've got the feeling of love.
203
00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:33,181
She's a woman, you know what I mean.
204
00:14:33,348 --> 00:14:36,726
You better listen, listen to me.
205
00:14:36,893 --> 00:14:39,813
She's gonna set you free.
206
00:14:39,979 --> 00:14:42,232
Oh, oh, yeah.
207
00:14:55,912 --> 00:15:00,083
What are the chances?
208
00:15:04,129 --> 00:15:06,089
Come on, Jim.
They came from there.
209
00:15:06,256 --> 00:15:09,843
- Yeah. So?
- "So"?
210
00:15:10,009 --> 00:15:13,012
Are you some kind of eunuch
or something?
211
00:15:13,179 --> 00:15:16,975
Not bad enough that woman's robbed you
of brains, but testicles and all.
212
00:15:17,142 --> 00:15:19,561
I'm sorry.
I'm claiming your testicles back.
213
00:15:19,728 --> 00:15:23,481
No... Not that I literally
want your test...
214
00:15:23,648 --> 00:15:27,068
That's just sick. Look.
They're just the beginning.
215
00:15:27,235 --> 00:15:29,946
These small, rural places
are renowned for breeding...
216
00:15:30,113 --> 00:15:33,533
...the crème de la crème of the
female form. It's the fresh air.
217
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:37,328
They go a bundle for city boys like
you and me. Impressive we are, mate.
218
00:15:37,495 --> 00:15:40,749
I guarantee this place will be
wall to wall with rosy-cheeked...
219
00:15:40,915 --> 00:15:44,794
English country maidens,
like that lot, but even dirtier.
220
00:15:52,761 --> 00:15:55,889
It's like some sort of medieval gay bar.
221
00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:58,141
Don't sweat it.
222
00:15:59,601 --> 00:16:02,020
The womenfolk are all off
braiding their hair...
223
00:16:02,187 --> 00:16:05,148
...in some kind of naked fertility
ceremony or something.
224
00:16:05,315 --> 00:16:08,443
That village green will be full
of heaving tits by sundown.
225
00:16:08,610 --> 00:16:11,613
- These guys look weird.
- Just relax.
226
00:16:11,780 --> 00:16:14,491
They're just blokes, like you and I.
227
00:16:14,657 --> 00:16:17,577
They like a beer,
enjoy a scented candle.
228
00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:21,790
They're my kind of people.
I can relate. Stick with me.
229
00:16:28,713 --> 00:16:30,465
Good morrow.
230
00:16:30,632 --> 00:16:34,552
Two flagons of ale, please, sir.
231
00:16:38,723 --> 00:16:41,142
There you go.
232
00:16:41,309 --> 00:16:44,229
Compliments of the house, lads.
233
00:16:54,531 --> 00:16:56,533
Thank you.
234
00:17:11,089 --> 00:17:16,010
Keep it together, mate.
Keep it together.
235
00:17:16,177 --> 00:17:19,180
I'm just a bit worried
I'm going to get raped.
236
00:17:24,519 --> 00:17:27,397
So how many more, Tom?
How many more?
237
00:17:27,564 --> 00:17:30,400
Don't you be all high and mighty
with me, vicar.
238
00:17:30,567 --> 00:17:32,777
We have to stop this madness.
239
00:17:32,944 --> 00:17:36,489
- Reckon that's his daughter?
- If it's not, that's one dirty vicar.
240
00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:38,616
We can't let more
innocent people die!
241
00:17:38,783 --> 00:17:42,287
- Then what? Then they'll come for us!
- Oh. Hi.
242
00:17:42,454 --> 00:17:46,499
Don't you see they have us already?
Our women are cursed...
243
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:49,294
...and we are spineless fools
who let it happen.
244
00:17:49,461 --> 00:17:53,047
I know it's hard, vicar, what with
your Rebecca turning 18...
245
00:17:53,214 --> 00:17:54,299
Eighteen? Love it.
246
00:17:54,466 --> 00:18:00,096
Together we can stop this.
You are either with me or against me.
247
00:18:00,263 --> 00:18:01,723
What a tosser.
248
00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:04,309
Who is with me?
249
00:18:09,814 --> 00:18:11,274
No, it can't be.
250
00:18:12,567 --> 00:18:13,985
No, that's impossible.
251
00:18:15,445 --> 00:18:19,199
- It can't be you. What is your name?
- Hey, this cost 25 quid, mate!
252
00:18:19,365 --> 00:18:22,994
- That is enough, Father. Enough!
- Daddy!
253
00:18:23,161 --> 00:18:25,330
Come, child.
254
00:18:31,294 --> 00:18:35,590
Does he know you? Have you been
hanging out with vicars?
255
00:18:35,757 --> 00:18:39,552
- Never seen him before in my life.
- Sorry about that, lads.
256
00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:43,306
Here you go.
No hard feelings, eh?
257
00:18:43,473 --> 00:18:47,519
Sorry for the vicar.
He's a strange sort.
258
00:18:47,685 --> 00:18:51,773
If you lads want a bed for the night...
259
00:18:51,940 --> 00:18:54,442
...there be a cottage,
the old Mircalla place...
260
00:18:54,609 --> 00:18:56,528
...not two miles down the road.
261
00:18:57,779 --> 00:18:59,989
Oh, that's great, but how much is it?
262
00:19:00,156 --> 00:19:02,367
- We're a bit light on the old...
- Money.
263
00:19:02,534 --> 00:19:06,079
Oh, it don't cost nothing.
The doors are always open.
264
00:19:06,246 --> 00:19:12,001
Any weary traveller
can expect a nice, long rest.
265
00:19:12,168 --> 00:19:16,714
You, sir, are a scholar and a gent.
266
00:19:16,881 --> 00:19:20,385
If there's one thing I like more
than free booze, it's a free bed.
267
00:19:20,552 --> 00:19:21,803
Thank you very much.
268
00:19:21,970 --> 00:19:24,556
Might be a bit
of a tight squeeze, though.
269
00:19:24,723 --> 00:19:29,102
I sent some beautiful young girls
down there not too long ago.
270
00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:44,576
Take off your clothes
Come on, take 'em off.
271
00:19:44,743 --> 00:19:47,412
I like you so much better
when you're naked.
272
00:19:47,579 --> 00:19:50,206
I like me so much better
when you're naked.
273
00:19:50,373 --> 00:19:53,543
I like you so much better
when you're naked.
274
00:19:56,212 --> 00:20:00,967
I like you so much...
275
00:20:01,134 --> 00:20:02,635
What's wrong with it?
276
00:20:02,802 --> 00:20:06,639
Come on, come on.
Don't break down on us now. Come on!
277
00:20:06,806 --> 00:20:09,809
Come on! What?
278
00:20:21,446 --> 00:20:24,199
- Come on!
- That'll really help, Lotte.
279
00:20:24,365 --> 00:20:26,993
- We're screwed.
- Ja.
280
00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:31,414
Great. We're in the middle of nowhere,
miles from anywhere.
281
00:20:31,581 --> 00:20:33,708
Are you sure you put petrol in?
282
00:20:33,875 --> 00:20:37,170
- Anke, for the fifth time, yes.
- Just checking.
283
00:20:37,337 --> 00:20:40,173
Well, let us walk to the cottage.
We must be close.
284
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:43,093
The landlord said
it was only a few miles.
285
00:20:43,259 --> 00:20:46,012
- Ja.
- We're closer to the inn.
286
00:20:46,179 --> 00:20:47,889
We should go get help.
287
00:20:49,391 --> 00:20:52,018
Ja. Ja.
288
00:20:53,311 --> 00:20:57,273
I'm only going back there with knives.
Those men were freaky.
289
00:20:58,191 --> 00:21:00,819
- I think we should stay with the van.
- Ja.
290
00:21:00,985 --> 00:21:04,447
Oh...
291
00:21:10,453 --> 00:21:12,372
Do you hear that?
292
00:21:12,539 --> 00:21:15,125
What is it?
293
00:21:16,084 --> 00:21:18,545
There's something out there.
294
00:21:18,711 --> 00:21:21,089
- Stop scaring us, Lotte.
- Ja.
295
00:21:21,256 --> 00:21:24,134
Listen, listen!
296
00:21:27,011 --> 00:21:29,013
It's coming from the roof!
297
00:21:30,932 --> 00:21:33,476
- It is probably just a branch.
- A branch?
298
00:21:33,643 --> 00:21:34,686
Ja.
299
00:21:51,870 --> 00:21:54,831
I told you!
300
00:22:01,087 --> 00:22:03,882
- Evening, ladies.
- Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.
301
00:22:04,048 --> 00:22:05,967
Excuse us.
Our van just broke down...
302
00:22:06,134 --> 00:22:09,929
- And we were a little bit spooked.
- Seems OK now.
303
00:22:10,096 --> 00:22:13,391
Anyhow, hi, I'm Lotte.
304
00:22:13,558 --> 00:22:16,269
This is Anke, Heidi and Trudi.
305
00:22:16,436 --> 00:22:21,274
Hello, Lotte, Andy, Eric. Hello, girls.
306
00:22:22,609 --> 00:22:25,445
- Beer?
- Oh,ja!
307
00:22:25,612 --> 00:22:26,821
Ja, ja, ja!
308
00:22:27,739 --> 00:22:29,574
You're my type of girl.
309
00:22:33,244 --> 00:22:34,496
The name's Fletch.
310
00:22:37,165 --> 00:22:39,626
- What's your name?
- That's my man, Jimmy.
311
00:22:39,793 --> 00:22:42,420
He's had his heart broken. It's tragic.
312
00:22:42,587 --> 00:22:45,465
- Oh!
- It's just tragic. Really is.
313
00:22:45,632 --> 00:22:48,760
- Hello, Jimmy.
- All right.
314
00:22:48,927 --> 00:22:53,973
So, what are four lovely ladies like
you doing here on a night like this?
315
00:22:54,140 --> 00:22:56,559
We're on our way
to the Mircalla cottage.
316
00:23:00,063 --> 00:23:02,357
There's an uncanny stroke of luck!
317
00:23:02,524 --> 00:23:07,112
These girls are all going to the exact
same cottage that we are.
318
00:23:09,823 --> 00:23:12,951
- Yes! Yes!
- Yes! Yes!
319
00:23:13,118 --> 00:23:15,203
Great.
320
00:23:15,370 --> 00:23:18,706
- Do you want to ride with us?
- Thanks. That's very nice of you.
321
00:23:18,873 --> 00:23:20,708
- Oh, yeah!
- Take a seat.
322
00:23:20,875 --> 00:23:22,794
When in Rome.
323
00:23:22,961 --> 00:23:27,632
- Be careful. You know what happens.
- Relax. It's fine.
324
00:23:32,220 --> 00:23:34,931
OK, let's go.
325
00:23:46,067 --> 00:23:49,487
A couple of young fellows
were in here not an hour ago.
326
00:23:49,654 --> 00:23:53,366
Directed them towards the cottage
not a couple of miles down the road.
327
00:23:53,533 --> 00:23:55,994
What? Just carry on down the road?
328
00:23:56,161 --> 00:24:01,040
There you go, miss. Carry straight
on down, and you can't fail to see it.
329
00:24:02,417 --> 00:24:04,335
Now, she was a pretty one.
330
00:24:04,502 --> 00:24:07,964
They always are, Sidney.
331
00:24:08,131 --> 00:24:13,345
Sirens. Cold, bewitching demons,
every last one of them.
332
00:24:17,265 --> 00:24:18,975
Pint, Jack?
333
00:24:46,503 --> 00:24:50,757
- Wow. This place is amazing!
- Oh, I love it!
334
00:24:50,924 --> 00:24:53,718
- Oh, cool!
- They got beers!
335
00:24:53,885 --> 00:24:56,346
Can we actually move here?
336
00:24:56,513 --> 00:24:58,014
- Yes!
- Yes, let's move in!
337
00:25:10,777 --> 00:25:13,446
Let's party!
338
00:25:13,613 --> 00:25:16,783
- We need Schnapps!
- Rack 'em up! Rack 'em up!
339
00:25:16,950 --> 00:25:19,661
All right! Yes!
340
00:25:19,828 --> 00:25:22,956
J man, bottoms up!
341
00:25:23,123 --> 00:25:25,708
- Bottoms up!
- Cocks in.
342
00:25:26,709 --> 00:25:30,088
- Oh, yummy!
- Let's dance!
343
00:25:30,255 --> 00:25:32,006
Oh!
344
00:25:34,968 --> 00:25:37,512
Feelin'hot, hot, hot.
345
00:25:39,055 --> 00:25:40,849
Feelin'hot, hot, hot.
346
00:25:54,028 --> 00:25:57,699
This might be the best night
of my entire fucking life!
347
00:26:00,034 --> 00:26:03,705
Room for the Fletchmeister? Yes? Yes?
348
00:26:07,417 --> 00:26:09,794
Let me rum bum bum bum.
349
00:26:11,337 --> 00:26:13,631
Let me rum bum bum bum.
350
00:26:14,090 --> 00:26:15,717
I love hiking!
351
00:26:15,884 --> 00:26:19,721
Olé, olé, olé, olé.
352
00:26:19,888 --> 00:26:23,183
Olé, olé, olé, olé.
353
00:26:23,349 --> 00:26:25,685
Let me rum bum bum bum...
354
00:26:27,395 --> 00:26:29,898
- Let me rum bum bum bum.
- Take your clothes off!
355
00:26:30,065 --> 00:26:33,526
- Take your clothes off!
- Feelin'hot, hot, hot.
356
00:26:35,278 --> 00:26:37,822
Feelin'hot, hot, hot.
357
00:26:39,866 --> 00:26:42,535
Do you know of Carmilla?
358
00:26:42,702 --> 00:26:47,749
- Uh, no. Is that who it is?
- Yes.
359
00:26:47,916 --> 00:26:51,377
- Carmilla. She's why we're all here.
- Eh?
360
00:26:51,544 --> 00:26:56,132
We're students of folklore and ancient
superstition. We're on a field trip.
361
00:26:56,299 --> 00:26:59,886
This village is home to the legend
of Carmilla, the vampire queen.
362
00:27:00,053 --> 00:27:02,472
- Vampire queen?
- According to legend...
363
00:27:02,639 --> 00:27:05,767
...she's much, much more than
just your average vampire queen.
364
00:27:05,934 --> 00:27:07,894
Some say she's 2,000 years old.
365
00:27:08,061 --> 00:27:10,605
You believe in that
Dungeons & Dragons rubbish?
366
00:27:10,772 --> 00:27:13,650
Where I grew up,
we're very superstitious.
367
00:27:13,817 --> 00:27:16,778
Cragwich is particularly
fascinating to me.
368
00:27:16,945 --> 00:27:19,614
The book of folklore tells
the story of this village...
369
00:27:19,781 --> 00:27:22,158
...and what Carmilla did to it
and its daughters.
370
00:27:22,325 --> 00:27:25,453
Even the bravest man shrinks in fear,
and the bravest woman...
371
00:27:25,620 --> 00:27:28,665
quivers with desire
at the mere mention of her name.
372
00:27:29,541 --> 00:27:31,251
Carmilla, the vampire queen.
373
00:27:37,132 --> 00:27:39,426
Saturday, Saturday.
374
00:27:39,592 --> 00:27:41,761
- Hey! Jimmy Peon!
- Saturday night.
375
00:27:41,928 --> 00:27:45,306
Come on. Get a beer. Get involved.
376
00:27:46,349 --> 00:27:48,476
It is your turn to go
with the larger one.
377
00:27:48,643 --> 00:27:50,270
Saturday night.
Saturday night.
378
00:27:50,437 --> 00:27:53,815
- Too many beers. I need a piss.
- The bog's outside.
379
00:27:53,982 --> 00:27:56,484
What? It's... It's dark out there.
380
00:27:56,651 --> 00:28:00,238
Heidi, are you afraid
Carmilla will get you?
381
00:28:00,405 --> 00:28:04,576
- Anke, don't be mean.
- OK, OK, I'm sorry.
382
00:28:04,743 --> 00:28:08,913
- Don't worry. I will go with her.
- Stop it!
383
00:28:09,998 --> 00:28:14,502
- Saturday night.
- Watch this. Here come the beers.
384
00:28:14,669 --> 00:28:18,048
- Here come the beers. Ja?
- Ooh,ja!
385
00:28:18,214 --> 00:28:20,633
He's a weird guy, Fletch, eh?
386
00:28:23,136 --> 00:28:25,096
She's pretending to bum me.
387
00:28:25,263 --> 00:28:27,932
Oh, his heart's in the right place.
388
00:28:28,099 --> 00:28:31,436
It's just a shame
his brain's in his dick.
389
00:28:38,193 --> 00:28:42,280
- Think his ying yang is big?
- Ying yang?
390
00:28:54,250 --> 00:28:59,130
I like you so much better
when you're naked.
391
00:28:59,297 --> 00:29:03,635
I like you so much
better when you're naked.
392
00:29:13,061 --> 00:29:15,480
All right. Which one do you want, then?
393
00:29:16,689 --> 00:29:20,026
Haven't thought about it.
394
00:29:20,193 --> 00:29:22,570
Oh! You are such a fucking ponce, James.
395
00:29:22,737 --> 00:29:26,157
Which one do you fancy?
Which one do you like the most?
396
00:29:26,324 --> 00:29:29,577
- Just answer the question.
- All right, then. Lotte.
397
00:29:29,744 --> 00:29:33,331
- She seems really nice and friendly.
- Mm-hmm.
398
00:29:33,498 --> 00:29:37,669
And it's like
she's got this pure spirit.
399
00:29:37,836 --> 00:29:42,757
She's just really sweet.
She's got the prettiest eyes.
400
00:29:42,924 --> 00:29:45,969
It's like looking into bottomless pools.
401
00:29:47,470 --> 00:29:49,347
- And you?
- Trudi.
402
00:29:49,514 --> 00:29:52,058
Massive tits, never speaks.
403
00:29:56,646 --> 00:29:59,524
Yeah, Trudi, you stink.
404
00:30:00,567 --> 00:30:02,610
Ja. Ja.
405
00:30:02,777 --> 00:30:05,864
Oh,ja.
406
00:30:10,493 --> 00:30:12,328
Hurry up!
407
00:30:19,461 --> 00:30:21,212
Anke.
408
00:30:27,761 --> 00:30:31,347
Anke?
409
00:30:31,514 --> 00:30:35,435
- Anke, stop it. It isn't funny.
- Heidi.
410
00:30:39,230 --> 00:30:41,107
Fuck!
411
00:30:41,941 --> 00:30:44,652
Anke, answer me now. It's not funny.
412
00:30:49,699 --> 00:30:51,868
Anke!
413
00:31:01,044 --> 00:31:03,129
Anke?
414
00:31:09,594 --> 00:31:13,431
Anke? Anke!
415
00:31:16,434 --> 00:31:18,395
Why are they taking so long?
416
00:31:18,561 --> 00:31:20,980
She's probably just having
a massive shit.
417
00:31:34,869 --> 00:31:37,122
Trudi.
418
00:31:38,790 --> 00:31:41,668
Trudi.
419
00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:49,384
Trudi.
420
00:31:52,595 --> 00:31:57,559
Trudi.
421
00:32:42,228 --> 00:32:44,439
Quickly!
422
00:32:48,359 --> 00:32:51,362
Trudi! We've got to get in there!
423
00:32:51,529 --> 00:32:53,782
OK. Stand back.
424
00:32:57,118 --> 00:32:59,996
Christ. That thing is rock-solid.
425
00:33:02,832 --> 00:33:05,126
- I must have weakened it.
- Yeah, right.
426
00:33:12,675 --> 00:33:15,720
- Look.
- Blood.
427
00:33:17,138 --> 00:33:18,807
Come.
428
00:33:22,977 --> 00:33:24,854
What was that?
429
00:33:25,021 --> 00:33:27,982
I don't know, but let's go find out.
430
00:33:29,025 --> 00:33:32,028
- Is she serious?
- We have to do something, don't we?
431
00:33:32,195 --> 00:33:35,949
This is all getting a bit weird: Women
missing, towels covered in blood.
432
00:33:36,116 --> 00:33:39,244
- It's more of a light spotting.
- Oh, that's all right, then.
433
00:33:39,411 --> 00:33:41,955
We heard her in here,
and now she's nowhere.
434
00:33:42,122 --> 00:33:45,750
- That is very fucking weird.
- Agreed, but we have to find Trudi.
435
00:33:45,917 --> 00:33:48,294
- You like Trudi, don't you?
- Not that much.
436
00:33:49,796 --> 00:33:51,881
That's just weak, man.
437
00:33:53,091 --> 00:33:54,759
For Christ's sake.
438
00:34:10,775 --> 00:34:14,070
Oh, God!
439
00:34:14,237 --> 00:34:16,239
For God's sake!
440
00:34:21,870 --> 00:34:25,248
I only got it seen to last week.
441
00:34:25,415 --> 00:34:27,667
Oh, my... Oh, come on!
442
00:34:27,834 --> 00:34:30,670
Shit!
443
00:34:40,472 --> 00:34:43,683
Hi. You're through to Jimmy.
Please leave a message.
444
00:34:43,850 --> 00:34:47,896
You are so dead, Jimmy!
445
00:34:48,063 --> 00:34:49,814
Judy.
446
00:34:49,981 --> 00:34:55,361
Judy. Judy.
447
00:34:55,528 --> 00:34:57,947
Anke!
448
00:34:58,114 --> 00:35:02,786
Heidi? Trudi?
449
00:35:05,288 --> 00:35:07,457
- Anything?
- No.
450
00:35:10,710 --> 00:35:13,296
Ah, well. Looks like she's gone.
451
00:35:15,006 --> 00:35:18,343
Head back inside, eh? Cup of tea?
452
00:35:19,302 --> 00:35:21,930
- Told you there was no one out here.
- Trudi?
453
00:35:22,263 --> 00:35:24,974
Probably just gone for a walk
or... Something.
454
00:35:25,141 --> 00:35:27,560
Let's head inside.
I've still got some beers.
455
00:35:27,727 --> 00:35:30,563
Oh, shit!
456
00:35:31,773 --> 00:35:33,733
Lotte.
457
00:35:33,900 --> 00:35:36,236
- It's over there.
- I heard it too.
458
00:35:37,862 --> 00:35:40,782
Look. I know something really wrong
is happening here...
459
00:35:41,116 --> 00:35:43,535
...but is there any chance
we can just ignore it?
460
00:35:43,701 --> 00:35:45,912
Fletch! Come on!
461
00:36:40,425 --> 00:36:43,887
It's impossible. It cannot be. Vampires.
462
00:36:44,054 --> 00:36:46,723
- Vampires?
- Vampires?
463
00:36:47,932 --> 00:36:50,310
Lesbian vampires.
464
00:36:50,477 --> 00:36:53,104
Nice one.
465
00:37:02,822 --> 00:37:05,909
Fucking hell, she's strong.
466
00:37:08,536 --> 00:37:10,038
Jimmy!
467
00:37:10,205 --> 00:37:13,541
- Shit.
- Jimmy!
468
00:37:24,010 --> 00:37:28,098
She's not so strong now.
469
00:37:50,161 --> 00:37:52,372
Ah! Rank!
470
00:38:01,214 --> 00:38:05,343
Is that it?
471
00:38:05,510 --> 00:38:08,179
No explosion or...
472
00:38:08,346 --> 00:38:12,058
...turning into burning ash or...
Nothing, no?
473
00:38:14,477 --> 00:38:16,312
Frankly, I'm a bit disappointed.
474
00:38:16,479 --> 00:38:19,607
I'm just glad she's dead.
I can hold out for fireworks.
475
00:38:19,774 --> 00:38:22,986
The legends... They're true.
476
00:38:23,153 --> 00:38:24,446
This is madness.
477
00:38:24,612 --> 00:38:27,574
- What's become of my friends?
- Lotte.
478
00:38:27,741 --> 00:38:28,867
Oh, crap.
479
00:38:29,993 --> 00:38:33,872
- Join us.
- Join us.
480
00:38:34,038 --> 00:38:36,416
Ja.
481
00:38:36,583 --> 00:38:40,462
I think they want you to say something.
482
00:38:40,628 --> 00:38:42,756
Never.
483
00:38:43,965 --> 00:38:45,550
Don't think they wanted you to say that.
484
00:38:45,717 --> 00:38:47,886
Fuck this! Run, you bellends!
485
00:38:57,645 --> 00:39:00,190
Come on, you silly fuckers!
486
00:39:02,567 --> 00:39:05,737
Now you will join us.
487
00:39:08,239 --> 00:39:09,866
Hmm.
488
00:39:10,033 --> 00:39:12,994
Get in.
489
00:39:17,165 --> 00:39:19,250
Oh, my God! Did you see that?
490
00:39:19,417 --> 00:39:23,046
That might be the coolest thing
I've done in my entire fucking life.
491
00:39:23,213 --> 00:39:25,965
I've always been good at cricket.
Maybe it's my guns.
492
00:39:26,132 --> 00:39:28,718
- Fletch, please shut up.
- Sorry, I'm just nervous.
493
00:39:28,885 --> 00:39:31,221
They'd have eaten us alive.
This is fucked up!
494
00:39:31,388 --> 00:39:33,932
Where did they go?
495
00:39:34,099 --> 00:39:39,104
Before sunrise,
you will all belong to us.
496
00:39:41,564 --> 00:39:44,150
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
What are we going to do?
497
00:39:44,317 --> 00:39:47,862
- We're going to die horribly.
- For Christ sake. You're not helping.
498
00:39:48,029 --> 00:39:51,199
- Calm down. Have a beer.
- We need to get out of here!
499
00:39:51,366 --> 00:39:54,786
- Come up with a plan then, Einstein.
- Hold on. The van.
500
00:39:54,953 --> 00:39:56,996
The van. Good plan. Great plan.
501
00:39:57,163 --> 00:39:58,998
Genius.
502
00:39:59,165 --> 00:40:01,334
I don't even want to know.
503
00:40:01,501 --> 00:40:04,003
What are we going to do now?
504
00:40:06,673 --> 00:40:09,008
Stakes. Lots of sharp stakes.
505
00:40:10,051 --> 00:40:13,972
Arm ourselves with anything we can
plunge through their hearts.
506
00:40:14,139 --> 00:40:15,849
Again, great idea. Like it.
507
00:40:16,015 --> 00:40:20,228
Plunging sharp objects. Hell-whore
hearts. Let's fucking have it.
508
00:40:25,775 --> 00:40:28,570
Saturday night, I feel...
509
00:40:31,614 --> 00:40:34,701
- Jimmy!
- Judy?
510
00:40:34,868 --> 00:40:39,205
What? Don't open
the fucking door! Jesus!
511
00:40:40,498 --> 00:40:43,626
- Judy, get in, quick.
- Oh, my God!
512
00:40:43,793 --> 00:40:46,463
- What the hell is going on?
- What are you doing here?
513
00:40:46,629 --> 00:40:49,966
- Something was chasing me.
- Vampires.
514
00:40:50,133 --> 00:40:54,220
- What?
- Yep. Lesbian vampires.
515
00:40:54,387 --> 00:40:56,806
- How ridiculous.
- No.
516
00:40:56,973 --> 00:41:00,101
Just another of God's cruel tricks
to get on my tits.
517
00:41:00,268 --> 00:41:03,980
Even dead women would sooner sleep
with each other than get with me.
518
00:41:04,147 --> 00:41:07,650
- But eating me alive? Oh, that's fine.
- Lesbian vampires?
519
00:41:07,817 --> 00:41:11,571
Next time he'll have me bummed
by a big gay werewolf, I swear.
520
00:41:11,738 --> 00:41:13,281
Come on. We need to lie down.
521
00:41:19,245 --> 00:41:22,749
- Who's that?
- Oh, it's Jimmy's ex.
522
00:41:22,916 --> 00:41:25,668
She keeps breaking up with him,
getting him back...
523
00:41:25,835 --> 00:41:28,546
...breaking up with him,
getting him back, you know?
524
00:41:32,008 --> 00:41:34,469
- I hate her.
- Me too.
525
00:41:34,636 --> 00:41:37,680
Man, this pisses me off.
526
00:41:37,847 --> 00:41:40,725
I've been saving myself
for the right man...
527
00:41:40,892 --> 00:41:43,311
...someone I can really have feelings for.
528
00:41:43,478 --> 00:41:47,107
- I finally meet him, and...
- What, you like Jimmy?
529
00:41:47,273 --> 00:41:49,776
Yes, I do.
But between her and the vampires...
530
00:41:49,943 --> 00:41:52,529
I'll probably die a virgin tonight.
531
00:41:57,575 --> 00:42:00,995
You're a virgin?
532
00:42:01,162 --> 00:42:05,208
Um, yeah.
533
00:42:24,436 --> 00:42:27,063
Oh, for God's sake, girl.
Cover yourself up.
534
00:42:28,356 --> 00:42:30,483
Daddy, I'm not a child any more.
535
00:42:30,650 --> 00:42:33,653
- Don't try me, girl.
- Oh!
536
00:42:50,795 --> 00:42:55,052
Jimmy, I know you have
every right to hate me...
537
00:42:57,218 --> 00:42:59,512
...but I just want you to know...
538
00:42:59,679 --> 00:43:03,933
...that I'm so happy
you let me through the door.
539
00:43:04,100 --> 00:43:06,686
Well, I don't hate you.
Well, not completely.
540
00:43:06,853 --> 00:43:09,981
I just don't know what
I keep doing you don't like.
541
00:43:10,148 --> 00:43:13,651
It's not you, Jimmy. It's me.
542
00:43:14,569 --> 00:43:17,697
I'm glad you realise that,
because if this is gonna work...
543
00:43:17,864 --> 00:43:21,493
- You're gonna have to change.
- Oh, I've changed.
544
00:43:21,659 --> 00:43:23,870
But how... How do I know that?
545
00:43:24,037 --> 00:43:27,707
How can I trust you? You're gonna
have to show me you're different.
546
00:43:27,874 --> 00:43:30,585
Oh, I'm different.
547
00:43:34,422 --> 00:43:40,011
Give me one... Last... Kiss.
548
00:43:46,559 --> 00:43:47,894
Huh?
549
00:44:47,954 --> 00:44:52,042
Probably best you remember her
the way she was, mate.
550
00:44:52,208 --> 00:44:56,129
A complete fucking bitch. Aah.
551
00:45:01,259 --> 00:45:03,595
Mate, thanks for saving my life.
552
00:45:03,762 --> 00:45:06,723
Hey, you know me, fella.
553
00:45:06,890 --> 00:45:11,227
I got your back.
Always have, always will.
554
00:45:12,645 --> 00:45:14,564
- Right, got 'em.
- What are you doing?
555
00:45:14,731 --> 00:45:17,984
- What do you think?
- What, Lotte was gonna...
556
00:45:18,151 --> 00:45:20,820
You know what they say
about extreme situations.
557
00:45:20,987 --> 00:45:25,200
And this, as I keep pointing out, my
friend, is an extreme fucking situation.
558
00:45:25,366 --> 00:45:28,536
- Bit seedy, isn't it?
- She's worried she'll die a virgin...
559
00:45:28,703 --> 00:45:31,831
...and frankly, I'm willing to take
any opportunity I can get.
560
00:45:31,998 --> 00:45:35,001
Emotional vulnerability, fear of
imminent death, vampire attacks.
561
00:45:35,168 --> 00:45:38,296
Screw it. I don't give a shit. Hi.
562
00:45:39,381 --> 00:45:42,258
How are you doing?
563
00:45:42,425 --> 00:45:45,970
- What happened?
- Oh, God. Um...
564
00:45:46,137 --> 00:45:50,308
As I suspected...
565
00:45:50,475 --> 00:45:54,646
- Judy was a vampire.
- We killed her.
566
00:45:54,813 --> 00:45:56,731
Fantastic.
567
00:46:09,285 --> 00:46:11,996
- Um, I'm going for a piss.
- What, outside?
568
00:46:12,163 --> 00:46:14,541
Do I look like a twat?
569
00:46:29,639 --> 00:46:33,393
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, gosh!
570
00:46:33,560 --> 00:46:35,228
Oh, God! Oh, God!
571
00:46:35,395 --> 00:46:37,772
Why aren't they coming in?
Judy walked in.
572
00:46:37,939 --> 00:46:41,067
No, they have to be invited in.
You invited Judy in.
573
00:46:41,234 --> 00:46:43,361
Oh.
574
00:46:45,655 --> 00:46:50,076
So all we have to do
is sit tight till morning.
575
00:46:50,243 --> 00:46:52,454
I mean, It's not like I'm gonna say...
576
00:46:52,620 --> 00:46:56,458
"Hey, lesbian vampires,
come into my cottage", is it? Oh, shit!
577
00:47:02,547 --> 00:47:05,925
Under full-on lesbian vampire attack?
578
00:47:06,092 --> 00:47:08,928
Still got it, fella.
579
00:47:10,096 --> 00:47:13,308
Look, I was being ironic.
580
00:47:13,475 --> 00:47:15,810
Guys?
581
00:47:24,944 --> 00:47:27,030
McLaren.
582
00:47:27,197 --> 00:47:29,991
- She knows my name.
- That's not a good sign.
583
00:47:30,158 --> 00:47:34,954
She is pure.
584
00:47:39,250 --> 00:47:41,294
Fletch!
585
00:47:48,176 --> 00:47:50,845
When in Rome...
586
00:47:58,770 --> 00:48:01,564
- Get away from him.
- Fuck off!
587
00:48:26,798 --> 00:48:30,468
- Nice.
- Get her into the shower.
588
00:48:30,635 --> 00:48:33,388
Quick! Quick!
589
00:48:33,555 --> 00:48:35,223
Quick! Turn it on!
590
00:48:38,893 --> 00:48:42,689
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be Thy name.
591
00:48:42,856 --> 00:48:45,525
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done on earth...
592
00:48:45,692 --> 00:48:49,779
Give us this day... Push her back!
She must stay underwater.
593
00:48:49,946 --> 00:48:52,657
Push her back!
Push her back under.
594
00:48:52,824 --> 00:48:57,287
- Oh, God!
- Keep her under! Don't let her go!
595
00:48:57,454 --> 00:49:01,583
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil...
596
00:49:01,750 --> 00:49:04,461
...as we forgive those
who trespass against us...
597
00:49:04,627 --> 00:49:07,297
- Fuck off!
- Keep going.
598
00:49:07,464 --> 00:49:11,634
Fucking hell!
599
00:49:11,801 --> 00:49:14,262
For Thine is the kingdom.
Jesus compels you!
600
00:49:14,429 --> 00:49:17,557
Oh, God, I love Jesus!
I love you, Jesus.
601
00:49:17,724 --> 00:49:22,353
- And the glory forever.
- All things bright and beautiful!
602
00:49:22,520 --> 00:49:24,814
Forever and ever.
603
00:49:28,902 --> 00:49:30,612
Amen.
604
00:49:31,571 --> 00:49:34,199
What the fuck?
605
00:49:34,365 --> 00:49:37,494
We need to go quickly.
Your friends have already been taken.
606
00:49:37,660 --> 00:49:40,163
- Ah, shite.
- There's no time to waste. Let's go!
607
00:49:40,330 --> 00:49:43,208
Hang on. How did you know
all this was happening?
608
00:49:43,375 --> 00:49:45,877
You and your friends
were sent as sacrifices.
609
00:49:46,044 --> 00:49:50,131
It's an age-old deal,
where the villagers supply fresh blood.
610
00:49:50,298 --> 00:49:53,051
In return, they get to keep
their cowardly hides.
611
00:49:53,218 --> 00:49:57,180
So we were just a light buffet
for a bunch of hot dykes?
612
00:49:57,347 --> 00:50:01,684
To my shame, yes. Your friend's
arrival in our hamlet is no coincidence.
613
00:50:01,851 --> 00:50:05,230
It's divine intervention
fulfilling a primordial prophecy.
614
00:50:05,397 --> 00:50:08,525
- Balls!
- Does he bear a birthmark?
615
00:50:08,691 --> 00:50:11,194
- Five red scratches around here?
- Yeah.
616
00:50:11,361 --> 00:50:14,364
His bloodline is the key
to the resurrection...
617
00:50:14,531 --> 00:50:19,160
...of the purest evil known to mankind:
Carmilla, the vampire queen.
618
00:50:19,327 --> 00:50:21,121
Eh?
619
00:50:21,287 --> 00:50:23,873
Paradoxically, the only thing
that can lift this village...
620
00:50:24,040 --> 00:50:26,668
...from a centuries-old curse
that turns every woman...
621
00:50:26,835 --> 00:50:29,879
...on her 18th birthday into a vampire.
622
00:50:30,046 --> 00:50:34,175
My daughter, Rebecca,
becomes 18 within hours.
623
00:50:34,342 --> 00:50:37,470
Right. Look,
I know you mean well. I really do.
624
00:50:37,637 --> 00:50:40,265
And I love the vibe.
You look amazing. But...
625
00:50:40,432 --> 00:50:45,562
I've seen weird shit, and even under
these circumstances this is a stretch.
626
00:50:45,729 --> 00:50:48,815
Jimmy's not the Messiah.
He can barely wipe his own arse.
627
00:50:48,982 --> 00:50:52,277
I understand your confusion.
Let's be on our way.
628
00:50:52,444 --> 00:50:55,113
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, Daddy-o. Go where?
629
00:50:55,280 --> 00:50:58,658
- Back to the village. No time to waste.
- Fuck that noise.
630
00:50:58,825 --> 00:51:01,161
- I'm sorry?
- I'm not going back out there.
631
00:51:01,327 --> 00:51:05,081
I've nearly been eaten three times
by the hottest women I've ever met.
632
00:51:05,248 --> 00:51:07,000
Starting to become a bind.
633
00:51:07,167 --> 00:51:11,254
But it's not too late to save your
friends, this village, the entire world!
634
00:51:11,421 --> 00:51:13,923
Yeah, well, you know,
best of luck with it.
635
00:51:14,090 --> 00:51:18,136
- I hope you get on all right.
- Are you fucking with me?
636
00:51:18,303 --> 00:51:21,639
- Are you allowed to swear?
- Shut up.
637
00:51:21,806 --> 00:51:25,685
You telling me you'd let eternal
darkness sweep over this entire planet...
638
00:51:25,852 --> 00:51:28,772
...and leave your friends to die?
Your friends?
639
00:51:28,938 --> 00:51:32,358
Well, I only really know Jimmy.
I just met the girl tonight. So...
640
00:51:32,525 --> 00:51:36,571
OK. Stay here and die.
641
00:51:41,284 --> 00:51:43,078
Oh...
642
00:51:46,873 --> 00:51:48,792
What's with all the scratches?
643
00:51:48,958 --> 00:51:51,127
The cruciform.
It drives the beasts away.
644
00:51:53,046 --> 00:51:56,174
- It looks shit.
- Just get in.
645
00:51:57,217 --> 00:52:01,096
OK, scratch master.
Where the fuck are we going?
646
00:52:01,262 --> 00:52:03,556
The tomb of your friend's
great ancestor.
647
00:52:35,463 --> 00:52:38,258
Fletch!
648
00:52:45,223 --> 00:52:49,018
Sisters...
649
00:52:49,185 --> 00:52:54,399
...a moment that has infested
our dreams and our desires...
650
00:52:54,566 --> 00:52:57,902
...for what seems like an eternity...
651
00:52:58,069 --> 00:53:01,573
...is finally upon us.
652
00:53:10,832 --> 00:53:13,460
For this night...
653
00:53:13,626 --> 00:53:18,381
...the last of the
McLaren clan shall fall...
654
00:53:18,548 --> 00:53:23,178
...and our queen shall rise again.
655
00:53:23,344 --> 00:53:26,848
- Carmilla?
- The vampire queen?
656
00:53:28,975 --> 00:53:31,269
Sorry. Carry on.
657
00:53:33,438 --> 00:53:36,691
So his blood mixed with
my virgin blood brings her back?
658
00:53:36,858 --> 00:53:39,402
You know a lot, pretty one.
659
00:53:39,569 --> 00:53:42,947
I've heard of Carmilla,
but never have I heard of you.
660
00:53:43,114 --> 00:53:46,367
Obviously you're not evil enough
to even make the history books.
661
00:53:53,124 --> 00:53:55,168
Well...
662
00:53:55,335 --> 00:54:00,006
...soon she will know of you.
663
00:54:01,591 --> 00:54:07,222
And with her resurrection,
this land will be ensnared forever...
664
00:54:07,389 --> 00:54:11,059
...in the dawn of the red moon.
665
00:54:17,649 --> 00:54:21,444
McLaren, these are your
final moments on earth.
666
00:54:21,611 --> 00:54:23,947
Oh. Mmm.
667
00:54:32,372 --> 00:54:36,668
The final resting place
of Baron Wolfgang McLaren III.
668
00:54:38,670 --> 00:54:40,630
Jimmy's the reason
I ended up in this shit-hole?
669
00:54:40,797 --> 00:54:42,966
He is our salvation and our only hope.
670
00:54:43,133 --> 00:54:46,845
The prophesy foretold of when the last
of the McLaren clan would return.
671
00:54:47,011 --> 00:54:50,265
With his blood and that of a virgin,
Carmilla shall rise again.
672
00:54:50,432 --> 00:54:52,642
Concealed within this tomb is the weapon...
673
00:54:52,809 --> 00:54:55,603
...that can slay the beast forever:
The sword of Daeldo.
674
00:54:55,770 --> 00:54:59,315
- And what's that, then?
- Daeldo, the god of lust...
675
00:54:59,482 --> 00:55:02,902
...said to be Carmilla's arch demonic foe
in the underworld of Hades.
676
00:55:03,069 --> 00:55:04,863
A hideous multi-tentacled beast.
677
00:55:05,029 --> 00:55:07,866
The only being brave enough
to have tried to penetrate...
678
00:55:08,032 --> 00:55:11,035
Carmilla's vilest depths,
and paid for it with his life.
679
00:55:11,202 --> 00:55:13,705
Let me get this straight.
Your plan is...
680
00:55:13,872 --> 00:55:17,917
...wait for this bitch to be resurrected,
stake her with the sword of whatever...
681
00:55:18,084 --> 00:55:21,421
...thus rescuing my mate, curing
your daughter, ending the curse...
682
00:55:21,588 --> 00:55:24,549
- And saving the planet.
- Exactly. So, are you with me?
683
00:55:24,716 --> 00:55:27,594
Not really. I ain't got much
fucking choice, have I?
684
00:55:29,721 --> 00:55:32,474
You do this.
I need to check on my Rebecca.
685
00:55:32,640 --> 00:55:34,768
What? Now I've got to unearth a corpse?
686
00:55:34,934 --> 00:55:38,688
- Concealed within this tomb is...
- Yeah, yeah. Save me the monologues.
687
00:55:42,859 --> 00:55:46,154
This is officially
the worst holiday ever.
688
00:56:08,968 --> 00:56:13,014
- So there's a red moon, right?
- Forget about the red moon.
689
00:56:13,181 --> 00:56:15,392
She said the last McLaren will fall.
690
00:56:15,558 --> 00:56:18,603
Yeah, I kind of missed that bit.
691
00:56:18,770 --> 00:56:21,606
Oh. Well...
692
00:56:21,773 --> 00:56:25,402
- That'll be me, then. Oh, bollocks.
- Shut up. I'm thinking.
693
00:56:25,568 --> 00:56:28,446
What can you be thinking about
at a time like this?
694
00:56:28,613 --> 00:56:31,032
- How we are going to escape.
- Fantastic. Any ideas?
695
00:56:31,199 --> 00:56:33,660
- No, have you?
- Not a fucking sausage.
696
00:56:33,827 --> 00:56:35,328
Come on, think!
697
00:56:35,495 --> 00:56:39,165
I'm too busy shitting myself
to come up with a daring escape plan.
698
00:56:52,721 --> 00:56:56,057
- You're cute.
- What?
699
00:56:56,224 --> 00:56:58,226
It's our first argument.
700
00:57:04,315 --> 00:57:07,569
Vic, we're doomed.
That ain't opening.
701
00:57:07,736 --> 00:57:09,779
Move.
702
00:57:14,868 --> 00:57:17,871
In my defence,
I only tried that side, so...
703
00:57:31,009 --> 00:57:33,344
- You go down there, my boy.
- Excuse me?
704
00:57:33,511 --> 00:57:37,849
- There's no time to waste. Hurry up.
- Well, you go down, then.
705
00:57:40,560 --> 00:57:45,356
Oh, my... Unbelievable.
It's not my daughter.
706
00:57:47,233 --> 00:57:52,363
- Can you see the sword?
- Give me a minute, please.
707
00:57:52,530 --> 00:57:56,826
It's my first time
in a tomb... Grave... Stone.
708
00:58:05,919 --> 00:58:07,587
What? What is it?
709
00:58:07,754 --> 00:58:10,673
It's nothing.
710
00:58:14,719 --> 00:58:19,849
What's so funny in there?
711
00:58:23,853 --> 00:58:26,398
It's got a big metal cock for a handle.
712
00:58:26,564 --> 00:58:30,360
Grow up! The handle draws on
the power of the demon Daeldo...
713
00:58:30,527 --> 00:58:34,489
...rendering this blade alone capable
of destroying her once and for all.
714
00:58:35,990 --> 00:58:40,161
- What? How?
- Itjust does, OK?
715
00:58:41,246 --> 00:58:45,125
We're gonna go there,
and we're gonna to die, right?
716
00:58:45,291 --> 00:58:47,669
All because you insist some sword...
717
00:58:47,836 --> 00:58:50,630
...with a metal cock on the end,
can save the world?
718
00:58:50,797 --> 00:58:53,550
- You're a disgrace.
- At least I can see the funny side.
719
00:58:53,717 --> 00:58:58,221
Let's get on with the job. I'll load up
on weapons. You cover the baron up.
720
00:59:02,475 --> 00:59:05,520
Will you just admit
it does look like a cock?
721
00:59:06,604 --> 00:59:11,234
Jimmy, can I tell you something?
722
00:59:11,401 --> 00:59:14,487
- Have you come up with a plan?
- No, I'm still thinking.
723
00:59:14,654 --> 00:59:17,031
I think we're running out of time.
724
00:59:18,533 --> 00:59:22,037
I just wanted to say that had we met
under different circumstances...
725
00:59:22,203 --> 00:59:24,456
I would've liked to have gotten
to know you.
726
00:59:24,622 --> 00:59:26,374
- Really?
- Yes.
727
00:59:26,541 --> 00:59:30,211
In fact, even though we've just spent
a few hours together...
728
00:59:30,378 --> 00:59:32,672
I feel like I've known you forever.
729
00:59:36,259 --> 00:59:38,928
- Really?
- Yes.
730
00:59:39,095 --> 00:59:42,098
I thought you might have
picked up on my signals.
731
00:59:43,433 --> 00:59:45,769
Signals? What signals?
What did I miss?
732
00:59:47,562 --> 00:59:49,314
Jimmy, I love you.
733
00:59:55,111 --> 00:59:58,406
- Well, that's just fucking great.
- I didn't mean to upset you.
734
00:59:58,573 --> 01:00:02,744
- On the brink of death, you say that?
- I can't die without letting you know...
735
01:00:02,911 --> 01:00:05,955
...you're the first man I could
share myself with completely.
736
01:00:06,122 --> 01:00:09,250
- Oh, for Christ's sake.
- I would've given you everything:
737
01:00:09,417 --> 01:00:12,337
My mind, soul and body.
738
01:00:12,504 --> 01:00:16,341
- And body. Hmm.
- And now that'll never be.
739
01:00:23,681 --> 01:00:26,559
- It is time.
- Oh, God!
740
01:00:30,480 --> 01:00:33,608
- That's my penis.
- Get off him, you bitch! He's mine!
741
01:00:43,993 --> 01:00:46,037
Wow.
742
01:00:51,960 --> 01:00:56,047
What? What did you just say?
743
01:00:56,214 --> 01:00:59,342
You called me a what?
I'm a fat piece of what?
744
01:01:06,683 --> 01:01:10,895
No one messes with the Fletchmeister
and his cock sword.
745
01:01:12,439 --> 01:01:18,194
Oh, hello.
Um, I wasn't doing, um...
746
01:01:18,361 --> 01:01:22,198
Star Wars is not, uh...
Aah! Chewie. I wasn't...
747
01:01:22,365 --> 01:01:25,535
What are you doing out?
You probably shouldn't be out here.
748
01:01:25,702 --> 01:01:28,496
I know.
749
01:01:28,663 --> 01:01:32,917
- So, it's your birthday?
- Today.
750
01:01:33,084 --> 01:01:35,420
It's just gone midnight.
751
01:01:36,796 --> 01:01:40,550
All... Grown... Up.
752
01:01:43,136 --> 01:01:46,014
- So you're 18?
- Uh-huh.
753
01:01:46,848 --> 01:01:48,892
- But Daddy wouldn't approve anyway.
- Oh.
754
01:01:58,068 --> 01:02:00,111
Daddy!
755
01:02:18,630 --> 01:02:20,799
Fletch!
756
01:02:27,263 --> 01:02:29,349
- Ready?
- Yep.
757
01:02:31,226 --> 01:02:35,105
We have little time.
My Rebecca will soon be taken.
758
01:02:35,271 --> 01:02:37,023
Yep.
759
01:02:58,670 --> 01:03:01,297
You have his eyes.
760
01:03:01,464 --> 01:03:04,300
I used to love those eyes.
761
01:03:04,467 --> 01:03:07,512
Until I learned how pathetic men are.
762
01:03:15,770 --> 01:03:19,232
Mmm! Exquisite.
763
01:03:20,024 --> 01:03:24,696
I will bleed you slowly and
let Carmilla feed upon your flesh...
764
01:03:24,863 --> 01:03:27,490
...while it is still warm in your veins.
765
01:03:39,002 --> 01:03:44,591
Amazing grace.
766
01:03:44,758 --> 01:03:49,637
Look, the moon bleeds.
The resurrection has begun.
767
01:03:49,804 --> 01:03:52,515
Here. Holy water.
768
01:03:52,682 --> 01:03:55,060
It's like a fucking
hand grenade of acid.
769
01:03:55,226 --> 01:03:56,936
- You said "fucking" again.
- So?
770
01:03:57,103 --> 01:03:58,605
- It's weird.
- Get over it.
771
01:03:58,772 --> 01:04:01,775
There's no need to panic, my friend.
Just stay close to me.
772
01:04:01,941 --> 01:04:04,819
I'm well-versed in the knowledge
of killing vampires.
773
01:04:04,986 --> 01:04:10,450
Yeah, so is everyone. Stakes, garlic,
beheading, holy water, sunlight...
774
01:04:10,617 --> 01:04:13,036
There's not a fucker alive
who doesn't know that.
775
01:04:13,203 --> 01:04:14,996
- Really?
- Yeah.
776
01:04:15,163 --> 01:04:18,500
It's in books, films, telly.
It's pretty common knowledge.
777
01:04:24,798 --> 01:04:27,759
Were you expecting many
sexual encounters, my friend?
778
01:04:30,095 --> 01:04:31,846
Water bomb fight.
779
01:04:32,013 --> 01:04:35,725
So where's this resurrection
likely to be happening?
780
01:04:35,892 --> 01:04:39,437
In there. The crypt of Carmilla.
781
01:04:39,604 --> 01:04:42,190
I knew you were gonna say that.
782
01:04:42,357 --> 01:04:44,901
Never going to be somewhere
un-scary-sounding...
783
01:04:45,068 --> 01:04:46,986
...like the garden or scullery?
784
01:04:47,153 --> 01:04:48,905
- "Scullery" is quite scary.
- Eh?
785
01:04:49,072 --> 01:04:51,241
"Scullery" has got
the word "skull" in it.
786
01:04:51,408 --> 01:04:54,828
As opposed to the crypt, which has
got corpses in it. Well observed.
787
01:04:56,996 --> 01:05:00,166
Remember this: They can die fast
or they can die slow...
788
01:05:00,333 --> 01:05:01,751
...but they have to die.
789
01:05:01,918 --> 01:05:05,922
- Can't we do this in the morning?
- It may be too late for your friends.
790
01:05:06,089 --> 01:05:09,300
- It will be too late for Rebecca.
- No, I'm good.
791
01:05:09,467 --> 01:05:11,177
Well, this is it.
792
01:05:11,344 --> 01:05:15,598
Good luck, Fletch.
Let's try to come back alive.
793
01:05:15,765 --> 01:05:17,600
Vic...
794
01:05:19,477 --> 01:05:22,063
If I don't make it out of this...
795
01:05:22,230 --> 01:05:25,108
...there's one thing I want you to know:
796
01:05:25,275 --> 01:05:27,610
I blame you entirely.
797
01:06:25,627 --> 01:06:29,339
So this is how your bloodline ends:
798
01:06:29,506 --> 01:06:31,633
Crying like a baby.
799
01:06:31,800 --> 01:06:35,053
Begging for your life.
800
01:06:35,220 --> 01:06:38,181
- Please...
- Jimmy, pull yourself together.
801
01:06:38,348 --> 01:06:41,184
- Don't give her the satisfaction.
- No.
802
01:06:41,351 --> 01:06:45,063
You'll give me my satisfaction.
803
01:06:45,230 --> 01:06:48,191
Lotte, just so you know,
before she turns you...
804
01:06:48,358 --> 01:06:50,902
I found you really attractive,
pre-vampirism.
805
01:06:51,069 --> 01:06:53,780
You did?
806
01:07:00,787 --> 01:07:02,789
- We have an escape plan.
- What?
807
01:07:02,956 --> 01:07:04,290
Fletch will save us.
808
01:07:04,457 --> 01:07:07,252
Fletch? He's fucking useless.
We're dead meat.
809
01:07:07,419 --> 01:07:10,797
- Hey! You cheeky prick.
- Fletch!
810
01:07:10,964 --> 01:07:13,049
Although, to be fair...
811
01:07:13,216 --> 01:07:16,302
...if I could've avoided being here,
I would've.
812
01:07:23,017 --> 01:07:26,146
Oh, damn.
813
01:07:26,312 --> 01:07:29,524
I told you he was fucking useless.
814
01:07:30,692 --> 01:07:33,820
- Damn, damn!
- You ever fired that thing before?
815
01:07:33,987 --> 01:07:36,740
- First time.
- Watch and weep. So!
816
01:07:38,366 --> 01:07:41,536
You clam-lappers fancy
a piece of me then, do you?
817
01:07:43,163 --> 01:07:45,874
- Come on, then.
- Kill them.
818
01:07:46,041 --> 01:07:49,961
Oh, fuck!
819
01:08:07,854 --> 01:08:10,440
Oh, wait up. Fuck this.
820
01:08:10,607 --> 01:08:13,693
Your friend's blood
has already been drawn.
821
01:08:13,860 --> 01:08:16,738
- The resurrection has begun.
- We gotta get out of here.
822
01:08:16,905 --> 01:08:19,491
We can't. Darkness is upon us.
Your friends, Rebecca...
823
01:08:19,657 --> 01:08:21,826
I reckon I can
probably live with that.
824
01:08:21,993 --> 01:08:23,828
...and the entire fucking world!
825
01:08:23,995 --> 01:08:27,457
You know how to put a guilt trip on,
don't you, you fucker?
826
01:08:28,583 --> 01:08:33,171
Right. Let's do this.
827
01:08:38,051 --> 01:08:42,764
- It'll be OK.
- How can this be OK?
828
01:08:42,931 --> 01:08:45,141
All I wanted to do was enjoy life.
829
01:08:45,308 --> 01:08:47,769
Hike, get some fresh air, a few pints.
830
01:08:47,936 --> 01:08:50,397
But no. Nothing's as simple
as that, is it?
831
01:08:50,563 --> 01:08:53,108
And now we're gonna end up dead.
832
01:08:53,274 --> 01:08:56,903
Well, I'm gonna end up dead.
You'll be a lesbian.
833
01:08:57,070 --> 01:08:59,572
And I've not even made love to a man.
834
01:08:59,739 --> 01:09:01,366
Oh!
835
01:09:09,916 --> 01:09:11,376
The crypt is through here.
836
01:09:13,503 --> 01:09:15,672
- Fletch!
- Spiritus Sancti.
837
01:09:17,674 --> 01:09:19,676
Fletch!
838
01:09:20,927 --> 01:09:24,389
- Spiritus sancti.
- Hurry up!
839
01:09:24,556 --> 01:09:27,559
- Jimmy?
- Back, you spawn of Satan.
840
01:09:29,728 --> 01:09:31,146
- Fletch?
- How you been?
841
01:09:31,312 --> 01:09:33,523
Up and down.
842
01:09:37,152 --> 01:09:40,238
- There's only one solution now.
- The big cock sword.
843
01:09:40,405 --> 01:09:41,781
- What?
- Long story.
844
01:09:43,491 --> 01:09:46,745
- Hand me the sword of Daeldo.
- Haven't you got it?
845
01:09:46,911 --> 01:09:48,163
I thought you had it.
846
01:09:48,329 --> 01:09:50,498
You're going on about
how important it is.
847
01:09:50,665 --> 01:09:53,543
All we've got to do is wait
for this bitch to rise, stab her...
848
01:09:53,710 --> 01:09:56,337
- And you forgot the sword?
- Get it. I'll keep 'em off.
849
01:09:56,504 --> 01:09:58,798
- Tell Rebecca I love her.
- About Rebecca...
850
01:09:58,965 --> 01:10:00,550
- Run, you fool!
- All right!
851
01:10:31,039 --> 01:10:33,291
Jesus!
852
01:11:49,034 --> 01:11:53,621
- Whores of fucking Hades.
- Annihilate him.
853
01:11:57,500 --> 01:12:01,921
Prepare for fucking death!
854
01:12:11,806 --> 01:12:15,018
Come on, you silly fuckers!
855
01:12:16,144 --> 01:12:19,814
- Lotte!
- It's playtime, darling.
856
01:12:28,365 --> 01:12:30,784
Mmm! You are a feisty one.
857
01:12:33,203 --> 01:12:35,663
I like it. Aah!
858
01:12:44,881 --> 01:12:47,675
- It won't budge.
- I have to help her.
859
01:12:47,842 --> 01:12:49,928
It's not gonna work.
860
01:12:52,055 --> 01:12:56,810
- What is it with you and doors?
- Let's ram it.
861
01:13:01,398 --> 01:13:04,150
Mmm! You taste divine.
862
01:13:08,405 --> 01:13:10,198
- Keys.
- Vicar's got them.
863
01:13:10,365 --> 01:13:12,283
- What?
- Know how to hotwire a hearse?
864
01:13:12,450 --> 01:13:14,452
- Yeah, no worries.
- Brilliant. Let's go.
865
01:13:14,619 --> 01:13:16,663
- Of course I don't, you idiot.
- Shit.
866
01:13:25,296 --> 01:13:29,551
First I'm going to torture you,
then I'm going to turn you.
867
01:13:29,718 --> 01:13:32,637
- You'll be my plaything.
- Never!
868
01:13:32,804 --> 01:13:34,264
That's it, then.
869
01:13:34,431 --> 01:13:36,975
The problem with you, James,
you're a pessimist.
870
01:13:37,142 --> 01:13:41,062
You might want to grab weapons.
We could be in for a ruck.
871
01:13:50,113 --> 01:13:51,906
Come on!
872
01:14:00,206 --> 01:14:03,626
- That sword's got a cock for a handle.
- It's funny, isn't it?
873
01:14:03,793 --> 01:14:06,796
It's the only thing that'll
destroy that psycho bitch.
874
01:14:06,963 --> 01:14:08,882
It's very powerful and very ancient.
875
01:14:09,049 --> 01:14:11,968
- Sort of gay.
- So get your own fucking sword.
876
01:14:35,075 --> 01:14:38,161
I knew you would not resist me forever.
877
01:14:57,555 --> 01:15:00,642
Sorry, you're not my type.
878
01:15:21,579 --> 01:15:25,250
- Whoo-hoo!
- Lotte.
879
01:16:06,082 --> 01:16:08,293
- Bollocks.
- Fletch.
880
01:16:31,232 --> 01:16:34,319
Oh, my God!
881
01:17:07,685 --> 01:17:09,771
McLaren.
882
01:17:18,738 --> 01:17:21,908
- Jimmy!
- Throw it like you mean it!
883
01:17:43,263 --> 01:17:47,308
Un-fucking-believable!
884
01:18:41,112 --> 01:18:44,074
Is somebody taking the piss?
885
01:18:44,240 --> 01:18:48,078
The sword of Daeldo
is a mighty weapon indeed.
886
01:18:49,496 --> 01:18:51,122
Looks like the vic was right.
887
01:18:51,289 --> 01:18:54,709
Everyone seems to know what's
going on bar me. Whatjust happened?
888
01:18:54,876 --> 01:18:58,004
It's all cock swords and scary stuff
and history and that.
889
01:18:58,171 --> 01:19:00,215
- I'll tell you later.
- Tell me now.
890
01:19:00,382 --> 01:19:01,758
- I will.
- When?
891
01:19:01,925 --> 01:19:03,843
Mate, do you want to calm down?
892
01:19:04,010 --> 01:19:07,263
I've had a bit of a busy night.
I'll tell you in a minute.
893
01:19:07,430 --> 01:19:10,141
- Whoa.
- No, look. Sunlight.
894
01:19:10,308 --> 01:19:13,853
The curse has lifted.
895
01:19:14,020 --> 01:19:17,899
- So they're not vampires anymore?
- No.
896
01:19:18,066 --> 01:19:21,361
Cool. Are they still lesbians?
897
01:19:21,528 --> 01:19:25,031
For fuck's sake.
898
01:19:27,575 --> 01:19:29,411
Uh...
899
01:19:37,752 --> 01:19:40,422
Unbelievable.
Save the day, not even a kiss.
900
01:19:40,588 --> 01:19:43,091
Do you know what? Actually, forget it.
901
01:19:43,258 --> 01:19:45,176
Forget it. Forget it. Let it go.
902
01:19:45,343 --> 01:19:48,054
Let it go, Fletch.
You're the bigger man.
903
01:19:54,477 --> 01:19:58,815
Whoa! That's some mighty fine
hotwiring skills you got there, lady.
904
01:19:58,982 --> 01:20:01,443
Thanks. Right. Now what?
905
01:20:01,609 --> 01:20:04,195
Don't know. Go home?
906
01:20:04,362 --> 01:20:08,366
Go home? They've taken my friends,
they very nearly took our lives...
907
01:20:08,533 --> 01:20:11,453
...and we never even dreamed
they existed before tonight.
908
01:20:11,619 --> 01:20:14,914
How can we just go home to our beds?
909
01:20:15,081 --> 01:20:17,292
- What's she talking about?
- Uh...
910
01:20:17,459 --> 01:20:19,002
This village is free...
911
01:20:19,169 --> 01:20:22,881
...but more creatures like Carmilla lurk
in the dark corners of the world.
912
01:20:23,048 --> 01:20:25,258
No one would believe us if we tell.
913
01:20:25,425 --> 01:20:27,927
We are the only people
who know the truth.
914
01:20:28,094 --> 01:20:30,805
We must go out there
and fight this menace.
915
01:20:30,972 --> 01:20:34,976
Are you suggesting we become
lesbian vampire killers?
916
01:20:35,143 --> 01:20:38,063
If that's what it takes,ja.
917
01:20:40,398 --> 01:20:44,986
Well, I ain't got anything else on
in particular at the moment, so I'm in.
918
01:20:45,153 --> 01:20:47,072
- Jim?
- I don't know.
919
01:20:47,238 --> 01:20:50,408
Oh, come on. It's in your blood,
your destiny, all that shit.
920
01:20:50,575 --> 01:20:51,993
- Huh?
- I'll tell you later.
921
01:20:52,160 --> 01:20:56,081
- Come on. You might as well.
- Join us.
922
01:20:56,247 --> 01:20:59,292
Lesbian vampire killers, it is.
Let's ride.
923
01:20:59,459 --> 01:21:01,711
Whoo-hoo!
924
01:21:37,956 --> 01:21:41,042
Let's go for a little walk.
925
01:21:41,209 --> 01:21:44,254
Under the moon above.
926
01:21:44,421 --> 01:21:47,757
Let's sit down and talk.
927
01:21:47,924 --> 01:21:50,093
Under the moon of love.
928
01:21:50,260 --> 01:21:53,096
I wanna tell you that I love you.
929
01:21:53,263 --> 01:21:58,101
And I want you to be my girl
Little darling, let's walk, let's talk.
930
01:21:58,268 --> 01:22:03,231
- Under the moon of love.
- The moon of love...
931
01:22:03,398 --> 01:22:06,693
You are looking so lovely.
932
01:22:06,860 --> 01:22:10,196
Under the moon of love.
933
01:22:10,363 --> 01:22:12,824
Your eyes shine so brightly.
934
01:22:12,991 --> 01:22:15,577
Under the moon of love.
935
01:22:15,744 --> 01:22:18,663
I wanna go all the time.
936
01:22:18,830 --> 01:22:20,957
You'll be my love tonight.
937
01:22:21,124 --> 01:22:24,002
Little darling, let's walk, let's talk.
938
01:22:24,169 --> 01:22:28,256
- Under the moon of love.
- The moon of love.
939
01:22:28,423 --> 01:22:30,675
I want to talk sweet talk.
940
01:22:30,842 --> 01:22:34,763
And whisper things in your ear.
941
01:22:34,929 --> 01:22:39,976
I'm gonna tell you lots of things
I know you've been longing to hear.
942
01:22:40,143 --> 01:22:42,645
Come on, little darling, take my hand.
943
01:22:42,812 --> 01:22:45,356
Let's go for a little walk.
944
01:22:45,523 --> 01:22:48,526
Under the moon of love.
945
01:22:48,693 --> 01:22:51,780
Let's sit down and talk.
946
01:22:51,946 --> 01:22:53,907
Under the moon of love.
947
01:22:54,074 --> 01:22:57,494
I wanna tell you that I love you.
948
01:22:57,660 --> 01:23:02,749
And I want you to be my girl.
Little darling, let's walk, let's talk.
949
01:23:02,916 --> 01:23:07,087
- Under the moon of love.
- The moon of love.