[ GRUMBLING ] OH!
[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH...
AAH!
[ INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER ] AAH!
[ GIGGLES ] AAH!
[ SIRENS WAILING ] [ MACHINE-GUN FIRE ]
THIS THE POLICE!
AAH!
AAH! WHOA!
♪ OH, LIFE ON THE OUTSIDE AIN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE ♪
♪ YOU KNOW, THE WORLD'S GONE CRAZY, AND IT AIN'T SAFE ON THE
STREET ♪ ♪ OH, WE'RE LOSING TRACK, AND I
KNOW THERE'S ONLY ONE PLACE TO GO ♪
♪ I'M COMING HOME ♪ ♪ WHOA, YEAH ♪
♪ I'M COMING HOME ♪ Alice: [ GRUNTING ]
Warden: [ SIGHS ] SWEET, SWEET ALICE.
THE FLAMES IN MY LOINS HAVE RISEN TO TICKLE MY HEART.
HOW DO I GET HER TO FEEL THE SAME BURNING SENSATION THAT I
DO?
Jared: WELL, CALL ME OLD-FASHIONED, SIR, BUT THERE'S
ALWAYS THE OLD TRIED-AND-TRUE OPTION OF ASKING A LADY OUT FOR
A DRINK.
Warden: YES, AN EXCELLENT SUGGESTION!
Jared: OF COURSE, DATING EMPLOYEES IS STRICTLY AGAINST
SUPERJAIL REGULATIONS.
Warden: THIS WOULD BE MORE LIKE TWO CO-WORKERS SPENDING A
LITTLE QUALITY TIME TOGETHER.
WE'LL BUILD A BAR RIGHT HERE IN SUPERJAIL.
IT'LL BE THE PERFECT SPOT FOR OUR RENDEZVOUS.
Jared: SIR, I AM A RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC.
Warden: GREAT, THEN YOU CAN BE THE BARTENDER.
LET'S GET TO WORK.
[ BUZZING ] [ SCREAMING ]
Alice: [ Deep voice ] MMM.
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ] HELLO?
Warden: UH, YES, HELLO, ALICE.
THE WARDEN HERE. I, UH...
[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ] I'M SURE YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT
SUPERJAIL'S BRAND-NEW WATERING HOLE, SUPERBAR.
Alice: NO.
Warden: OH.
UH, WELL, WE BUILT A BAR INSIDE SUPERJAIL, AND...
ALICE, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL ABOUT ATTENDING THE GRAND OPENING WITH
SUPERJAIL'S MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR?
Alice: I'LL BE THERE.
Jared: WHAT DID SHE SAY, SIR?
Warden: SHE SAID YES!
WHOO! WHOO-HOO!
WHEE-HOO! WHOO-HOO-HOO!
[ GLASS SHATTERING ] Alice: SO MANY CHOICES.
TEENY, MEENY, TINY, MOE.
HEY, WHERE'S EVERYBODY GOING?
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW.
Warden: WELCOME TO SUPERBAR!
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ] YEAH!
Jared: 14 BEERS ON TAP, INCLUDING 3 MICROBREWS.
AND DON'T FORGET TO ORDER OUR SPECIAL WARDEN WINGS, PRISONER
POPPERS, OR SOLITARY CAESAR SALAD.
THE BUFFOON HAS OPENED A SALOON.
A SALOON FOR BABOONS.
OOH OOH OOH, EEE EEE EEE.
HEY!
TIME TO PAR-TAY!
UNH!
I GOT TO HIT THE CAN.
EH?
LEFT HAND, LOINS.
RIGHT FOOT, NUGGETS.
[ GIGGLES ] UGH!
UNH!
GUH-HUH!
THE WARDEN SAYS, IF YOU SPRINKLE WHEN YOU TINKLE, PLEASE BE NEAT
AND WIPE THE SEAT.
GUH-HUH!
UNH!
HA HO HO...
[ CHOIR VOCALIZING ] THE TIME IS UPON US!
LOOK TO THE SKY FOR THE SHIP OF THE APOCALYPSE!
AND THAT'S WHEN I NOTICED THE TUNNEL LEADS DIRECTLY TO THE SEA
GATE.
MAKING IT TO THE GATE IS NO PROB.
HOW WE GONNA GET TO THE SURFACE?
WITH THIS.
I AIN'T CLIMBING INSIDE NO "ASS CRACK."
WE STEAL THE PARTS FROM THE BAR, ASSEMBLE IT IN THE
BATHROOM, AND MULE OUR WAY THROUGH THE WATER TO FREEDOM.
WHO'S IN?
[ BIRD CHIRPS ] Warden: OKAY, EVERYBODY, I'LL
DO MY SONG.
SHOULD I? SHOULD I?!
ALL RIGHT, I WILL!
HERE GOES!
♪ WELL, WHEN YOU'RE LIVING IN A PRISON AND YOU'RE FEELING SO
GOOD ♪ ♪ IT'S JUST 22 FEET TO THE
PARTY BAR ♪ ♪ PARTY BAR IS TOTALLY COOL ♪
HAVING FUN, EVERYBODY?
I HOPE SO.
♪ DRINKING ALL NIGHT ♪ ♪ WITH YOUR INMATE FRIENDS ♪
♪ HEADING FOR THE PARTY BAR ♪ ♪ HEADING FOR THE PARTY BAR ♪
♪ IT'S A PARTY IN MY PARTY BAR ♪ I LOVE IT!
[ GLASS SHATTERS ] JARED!
HEY, JARED.
COME ON, HAVE A SIP OF ME.
JARED!
NO!
[ GRUNTING ] Alice: LOOKING GOOD.
HEY, CHOLLO.
NO CHANCE, STRINGBEAN.
NICE ABS.
PERFECT.
IS THIS SEAT TAKEN? Warden: ALICE.
OH, WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING HERE?
ALICE, WHO'S THIS?
Alice: I BROUGHT A DATE.
Warden: BUT I THOUGHT YOU CAME HERE TO MEET ME.
Alice: COME ON, SWEET CHEEKS.
MOMMY'S THIRSTY.
[ GAGS ] Warden: JARED, GET ME A
DRINK, AND MAKE IT A DOUBLE!
ANOTHER!
[ CRYING ] Alice: [ GULPING ]
AHH.
[ GLASS SHATTERS ] I GOT TO TAKE A LEAK.
WHEN I GET BACK, WE'RE DOING BODY SHOTS.
AAH!
[ GRUNTING ] I'M FREE!
IT'S ALICE!
HOLD HER OFF AS LONG AS YOU CAN.
GAME OF POOL, ALICE? AAH!
SHOOT SOME DARTS, ALICE? AAH!
HOT WINGS, ALICE?
AA-A-A-A-A-H!
[ SIZZLING ] Warden: SO, UH, DUDE, HOW'S
YOUR DATE GOING, HUH?
I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ALICE'S DATE, YES?
AND SHE WAS GONNA FALL IN LOVE WITH ME.
AND NOW IT'S YOU WHO'S GOT YOUR DIRTY LITTLE HANDS ALL OVER MY
SWEET ALICE INSTEAD OF ME!
Jared: SIR, MAYBE YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH.
Warden: [ STAMMERING ] MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS,
BARTENDER, AND JUST KEEP THE [BLEEP] DRINKS COMING!
GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD!
Jared: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
LOOK OUT! HERE COMES JARED!
IT'S PARTY TIME!
[ CHEERING ] ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, NO TIME
FOR DRESS REHEARSALS.
LET'S GO!
Alice: KNOCK-KNOCK.
PLAYING HARD-TO-GET?
THAT'S MY KIND OF FOREPLAY.
Warden: PUGILISM IS USUALLY SOMETHING THAT'S BENEATH ME...
BUT I MUST DEFEND THE HONOR OF MILADY.
Jared: "BUILD A BAR, CLEAN UP THIS MESS!"
THINKS HE'S SO GREAT!
"I'M THE WARDEN!"
I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!
I LOVE ALICE!
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!" [ HICCUPS ]
I'LL SHOW HIM WHO REALLY RUNS THIS PLACE!
[ EXPLOSIONS ] HOLD ON TIGHT, BOYS!
THIS IS IT!
THE END IS NIGH!
Warden: PREPARE YE FOR MY FIRST VOLLEY.
SURF IS UP.
BEACH-BLANKET BLAMMO.
[ GRUMBLING ] [ SCREAMING ]
AAH!
UNH!
AAH!
[ METAL CREAKING ] Jared: HUH?
AAH!
OH, GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!
Warden: [ COUGHS ] ALICE...
YOU SAVED ME.
YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME.
Alice: KEEP DREAMING.
DATING CO-WORKERS IS AGAINST REGULATION.
AND THEN HE KICKED MY MOM AND LUKE OFF DADDY'S BOAT.
WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?
HE LOOKED LIKE -- LIKE THAT!
AAH!