TIME, WEATHER, AND...
[ GASPS ] OH.
[ SIREN CHIRPS ] WHEW!
UGH.
HMM.
AAH!
[ SCREAMING ] [ PANTING ]
[ GROWLING ] [ SCREAMING ]
♪ OH, LIFE ON THE OUTSIDE AIN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE ♪
♪ YOU KNOW, THE WORLD'S GONE CRAZY, AND IT AIN'T SAFE ON THE
STREET ♪ ♪ OH, WE'RE LOSING TRACK, AND I
KNOW THERE'S ONLY ONE PLACE TO GO ♪
♪ I'M COMING HOME ♪ ♪ WHOA, YEAH ♪
♪ I'M COMING HOME ♪ [ GASPS ]
[ GASPS ]
[ GROWLS ] AAH!
[ WHIMPERING ] [ HUMMING ]
[ GASPS ] Warden: UNBELIEVABLE.
Jared: HORRIBLE.
Alice: WHAT A MAN -- I MEAN, MONSTER.
Warden: HIS FIRST DAY IN SUPERJAIL, AND HE'S GOT THEM ALL
TERRIFIED!
Alice: WHAT'S HE IN FOR?
Jared: WHERE DO I START?!
THE THINGS HE'S DONE ARE BEYOND OBSCENE!
Alice: I'LL SHOW HIM OBSCENE.
Jared: HE LIVES ALONE IN AN OLD FARMHOUSE THAT WAS NEXT TO A
GRAVEYARD.
HE SPENT HIS TIME DIGGING UP CADAVERS AND MAKING GROTESQUE
HOMEWARE LIKE LAMPS AND FURNITURE OUT OF HUMAN BODY
PARTS.
Alice: OOH, THE CREATIVE TYPE.
Warden: WHY DO THEY SHOW HIM SO MUCH FEAR AND RESPECT AND NOT
ME?
I NEED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT MAKES THIS LUNATIC [GRUNTS] TICK!
Jared: THEY SAY YOU DON'T TRULY UNDERSTAND SOMEONE UNTIL
YOU WALK A MILE IN THEIR SHOES.
HE MADE HIS OUT OF THE SKIN OF A SCHOOLTEACHER FROM TACOMA.
Warden: JARED, I COULD MAKE SWEET, SWEET LOVE TO YOUR BIG,
BALD HEAD.
THAT'S A FANTASTIC IDEA!
WE'LL SEND A STAFF MEMBER UNDERCOVER TO PROBE HIS MIND.
Alice: JUST GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES WITH THAT PSYCHO.
HE'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO KNOW.
Warden: [ CHUCKLES ] NO, THIS IS NO JOB FOR A LADY,
ALICE.
JARED, MEET YOUR NEW ROOMMATE.
Alice: NO FAIR.
I WANT TO GO.
Jared: YEAH, LET ALICE GO!
Warden: STOP BEING SELFISH, JARED.
ALICE IS TRYING TO HELP YOU DEVELOP SOME SELF-ESTEEM AND
LEADERSHIP QUALITIES.
Alice: THIS IS BULL [BLEEP] Warden: NUH-UNH-UNH.
Jared: AAAAH!
Warden: SHE'LL GET OVER IT.
Jared: SIR, YOU CAN'T LOCK ME UP WITH THAT ANIMAL!
[ MUFFLED TALKING ] Warden: ARE YOU SURE HE'S
GONNA LOOK LIKE A PSYCHOPATH?
AH, SEE FOR YOURSELF.
Warden: [ GASPS ] HIDEOUS.
LET'S GO, JARED.
REMEMBER, YOU ONLY HAVE 48 HOURS UNTIL HE TURNS BACK INTO
UGLY JARED!
Warden: HE'S ALL YOURS.
NOW, LET'S GO, PEOPLE.
AND MAKE IT LOOK REAL, OKAY?
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ] Jared: WHO ARE THEY YELLING
AT?
Alice: YOU, FISH!
Jared: OW! WHY...
Alice: COME ON, JAILBOT.
THE WARDEN SAID MAKE IT LOOK REAL.
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] Jared: AAAH!
Alice: YOU RUINED MY CHANCE WITH THE NEW GUY.
I HOPE HE MAKES YOUR HEAD INTO A THROW PILLOW.
LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE.
AT LEAST YOU'RE GONNA GET LAID TONIGHT.
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ] LATER, DEAD MAN.
Warden: MAMA BIRD TO BABY BIRD, ARE YOU READY TO LEAVE THE
NEST? OVER.
Jared: SIR, PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU!
Warden: YOU'RE DOING GREAT, BUDDY.
LOOK, THE SECOND ANYTHING GOES WRONG, JUST SAY THE SAFE WORD.
JAILBOT WILL PULL YOU RIGHT OUT OF THERE, OKAY?
OVER.
Jared: WHAT'S THE SAFE WORD?
Warden: "BABY MAKE WEE-WEE."
OVER.
Jared: "BABY MAKE WEE-WEE" ISN'T A WORD, SIR.
Warden: FINE, A SAFE PHRASE, OKAY?
NOW, GET INTO CHARACTER!
Jared: BABY MAKE WEE-WEE!
BABY MAKE WEE-WEE!
[ VIDEO-GAME MUSIC PLAYS ] I ACHIEVED THE KILL SCREEN
AGAIN.
BORING AGAIN.
[ MEN SCREAMING ] TIME FOR A NEW GAME.
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] [ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
Warden: AH, ALICE, JUST IN TIME.
I'M ABOUT TO TURN ON JARED'S MOUSTACHE CAM.
OH, IT'S YOU.
WHERE'S ALICE?
PBHT. WOMEN.
[ FREQUENCY MODULATING ] Jared: OH! AH!
PHEW.
[ GROWLING ] Jared: AAAH!
HE'S DEAD!
Warden: JARED, WHAT THE HELL, MAN?
Jared: I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!
Warden: YOU KILLED HIM.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
Jared: I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT, PLEASE, GET ME OUT OF HERE!
Warden: NOT SO FAST.
I THINK YOU SHOULD STAY IN THAT CELL FOR A WHILE TILL YOU'VE
LEARNED YOUR LESSON OR UNTIL I NEED SOMEONE TO COMPLETELY SCREW
SOMETHING ELSE UP!
Jared: NO, SIR, PLEASE!
SOMEONE'S COMING!
HOLY [BLEEP] THE NEW GUY KILLED HIM!
IN HIS OWN CELL.
MAN, THAT'S COLD.
Jared: NO, NO.
I DIDN'T. HE SLIPPED!
HEY, HEY, FRIEND.
WHATEVER YOU SAY.
BADDEST DUDE IN HERE, AND YOU PUT HIM DOWN LIKE IT WAS
NOTHING.
Jared: THAT'S RIGHT, YOU MOTHER [BLEEP]
I KILLED HIM, AND I DON'T THINK NOTHING OF IT!
ANY OF YOU MAGGOTS SO MUCH AS LOOK AT ME WRONG, AND I'LL KILL
YOU, TOO!
THERE'S A NEW BOSS IN TOWN -- ME!
[ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ] LET'S GET THIS LAND PARTY
STARTED RIGHT.
ARE Y'ALL READY FOR THIS?
THREE, TWO, ONE.
Warden: AH, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I CAN COUNT ON THESE DAYS.
I SHOULD HAVE SENT YOU IN THERE.
JAILBOT!
HAVE YOU FLIPPED YOUR CHIP?
AAH! AAAAH!
UGH. IT'S FREEZING IN HERE.
I'LL WARM YOU UP.
Alice: WELL, WELL.
HELLO, HANDSOME.
OH, I GET IT.
YOU'RE THE QUIET TYPE.
THAT'S OKAY.
WORDS ARE FOR LOSERS.
WHY DON'T WE SKIP THIS AND GO STRAIGHT TO DESSERT?
I HEARD HE HAD THAT DUDE NAILED TO THE WALL.
AND THEN HE HAD HIM SKINNED.
AND THEN HE STRETCHED HIM OUT LIKE A HAMMOCK.
AND THEN HE TOOK A POWER NAP...
ON HIM, I GUESS.
SHH! QUIET!
HERE HE COMES.
Jared: I COULD GET USED TO THIS.
BOSS! BOSS!
YOU GOT TO DO SOMETHING!
THE ROBOT IS WASTING EVERYONE!
Jared: WHO, JAILBOT?
YEAH, HE'S GONE PSYCHO!
AAH!
Jared: I'LL HANDLE THIS.
ALL RIGHT, TOMATO CAN, WHO TOLD YOU YOU COULD MESS WITH MY
PEOPLE?
[ CHEERS ] OKAY, BUDDY.
MAKE IT LOOK GOOD.
DON'T BLOW MY COVER.
[ KNUCKLES CRACKING ] [ CLANG ]
[ WHIMPERS ] COME ON, DUMMY!
AAH!
BABY MAKE WEE-WEE.
OH!
[ SHOUTING AND SCREAMING ] [ WHIMPERS ]
YO, YO, THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE, BOSS.
DON'T WORRY.
WE GOT A PLAN TO BEAT THAT TOASTER.
COME ON!
AAH!
[ SCREAMING ] FRAG THE NOOBS.
R-O-T-F-L.
SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK, BOSS?
Jared: I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE WHEN IT'S FINISHED.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WHEN"?
IT'S FINISHED.
YEAH, WE'RE GONNA POUND HIS METAL ASS INTO THE GROUND!
Jared: UH, YEAH, KILLER DUDES!
WHO'S THE LUCKY GUY THAT'S GONNA GET TO DRIVE THIS THING?
[ LAUGHS ] YOU FUNNY, BOSS.
ONLY THE MOST DEADLIEST, BADASS, PSYCHO MOTHER [BLEEP] IN THIS
ROOM -- YOU.
[ CHEERS ] Jared: OH, RIGHT.
Warden: JAILBOT!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
[BLEEP] DAMN IT!
[ CHEERS ] KICK HIS ASS, BOSS!
Jared: WAIT!
M-M-MAYBE ONE OF YOU GUYS SHOULD --
JAILBOT, IT'S ME -- JARED.
AAH! OOH! AAH!
Warden: ALICE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
JAILBOT'S W-- ALICE?
[ PENGUIN SCREECHING ] [ GROWLING AND ROARING ]
[ GROWLING ] [ ROARING ]
[ MEN SCREAMING ] [ CREATURES GROWLING ]
[ SCREAMING ] [ GROWLING ]
[ DOGS BARKING ] [ GROWLING ]
[ WIND HOWLS ] Warden: AAH!
[ SCREAMING ] [ MACHINE-GUN FIRE ]
AAH!
[ WHIMPERS ] [ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ GROANS ] AAH! AAH!
[ GEARS CLANKING ] [ SCREAMING ]
IT FROZE.
GAME OVER.
LOOK, A SNOW DAY.
LET US MAKE SNOW PERSONS.