Did you see it? I think I got it.
That little piggy was fast.
Hey, everybody, this is all of our kill. We all take credit.
- I got a side ache. - You hit Enmebaragesi.
I'm pretty sure he had that when he left the village.
That's not my spear.
My spear has feathers... Okay, that one's got a feather.
Okay, that is my spear. I'm sorry, man.
Great. Two spears. Twice the killing power.
Thanks a lot. Next time don't block my shot.
What? I didn't say... Come on, not my fault.
Who stands in front of a boar on a hunt?
Hey, there you are.
I don't think you wanna be gathered. You wanna be eaten.
Hi, Marlak.
Well, there won't be any berries in the fruit salad now, so we all lose.
Hey, Oh. How's it going?
Hunters think they're so cool. You know, they...
They don't think this is challenging? Gathering? It's extremely challenging.
You have to find all the fruit with the least amount of bird shit on it...
...and put it in the basket.
Are they picking on you?
If they're picking on you, I will straighten them out.
- All right. Yeah, would you? - You're right.
Let it slide this time.
Next time, though, they will feel the tip of my short spear.
- What happened to your spear? - I modified it. Made it a snub nose.
It's lighter. It's a better killing tool. Anyway...
Oh, there's Maya. I'm gonna go talk to her.
I'll be right back. Unless something goes horribly right.
- Hello, Maya. - Hey, Zed.
What do I gotta do to make you my woman?
Look, you're a special guy. You've got a lot of personality.
When my parents were killed by that pack of wild dogs...
...you really helped me see the funny side.
"No, no! He's got my ankle!"
"Get off." That's your mom.
So, yeah, you make me laugh, but that's not enough.
I'm an old-fashioned kind of girl.
I need a man who can protect me and take care of me.
What do you mean? Like Marlak?
Well, I mean, he is the best hunter in the village.
- Debatable. - People voted.
Maybe I'm not the greatest hunter.
- Or gatherer. - Yes. Or gatherer.
Zed, those are the only two jobs that we have here.
I can take care of you. Does it look like I'm starving?
Come on. Tell me you can say no to this.
Give it a second. Let it work on you.
Oh, yeah. Absolutely can say no to that.
Maya. Can I see you later?
I think I have to wash my hair.
You washed your hair last year.
Tonight, we feast.
Maya. For you.
Thanks, Marlak. Another severed boar's head.
- It's a different color. - Yeah, this one is...
- Left the tongue in. - Yeah, this is really nice, Marlak.
Look at Marlak flirting with Maya. He doesn't know her at all.
Head's not even the best part of the boar.
It's the back fat, stupid. Muscleheaded idiot.
Hi, Eema. Hi, Eema. Hi, Eema.
Yeah. She doesn't even know I exist.
There's like 60 people in the village. I mean...
...you have to go out of your way to not know that somebody exists.
I just wanna lay with her so badly.
I don't see it. She's cute, but I don't think I'd lay with her.
She's your sister. I mean, that'd be like laying with your mother.
Which was a big mistake. I see that now.
You think it's not gonna be awkward in the morning, but... Trust me, wow.
Listen, you wanna impress Eema? Do the fertility dance with her...
...at the feast tonight then drag her back to your hut.
My hut's a mess right now, and what if she struggles?
You give her a little tap on the head. Women respond to that.
I'm going, but because I choose to.
And anyone who wants to join me is welcome.
I don't know where we're going, but I will lead us.
Yeah, light up the darkness.
So who's with me?
Anyone?
Anyone named Oh?
Okay. Looks like I'm gonna be going it alone.
Which is fine with me.
Better, in fact...
...because having a partner would just probably slow me down.
I'm gonna start a new tribe, 10 times better.
There's gonna be 10 times more dancing and fun.
It's gonna be called Muscle Tribe of Danger and Excellence.
And you're not invited. I don't even like any of you guys. I never did.
Unless anyone changes their mind. Does anyone wanna come?
- We're good. - Fine. Good. Bye-bye.
Don't... Nobody panic.
No! That's... That's... Oh, it's not my house.
I see you.
Go away, Marlak.
- Really, animal noises? - Badger.
This is just insulting. It's time I killed you.
Fine. But then, tell me this: Who's that behind you?
You think I'm gonna turn around? I'm gonna gut you like a pig.
Nice whack on the head. You should try hitting Eema that hard.
We can discuss that later. We should run away.
Yes, yes, of course.
So you decided to come after all. Was it the speech?
- It was the fire. I lost everything. - Yeah.
I wish we didn't have to leave.
Probably never gonna see Eema again.
That's not true. We'll go back.
Those hunters are idiots.
They're gonna forget the whole thing in an hour.
Will you get real, man? There's no going back, okay?
There's nothing to go back to. It's just ashes.
Like it's hard to build one of those huts.
It's just a pile of sticks and dung.
Well, you're a pile of sticks and dung.
- I'm sorry, l... - It's okay.
- I don't mean that, obviously. - I know you're mad...
...but this is a great opportunity for us.
They didn't appreciate you back there.
You're the genius who thought up drinking water from a gourd.
They were all drinking from their hands.
Well, it just seems practical. I mean, I don't know.
We have an incredible destiny.
You don't even know where we are. We're lost.
Of course I know where we are.
It's a cougar. Don't move a muscle.
- What do we do? - Don't move your lips.
Rule number one: Show no fear.
You're showing fear.
Much better. Very good.
- Now what? - There's two opinions on this one.
Some say run, others say stay perfectly still.
- Which one are you gonna do? - I'm going to run!
You should put some maggots on those scratches.
They look pretty deep.
They are very deep. That's why they appear that way.
- You're still mad at me, aren't you? - I wish I hadn't come.
Maybe you shouldn't have come...
...if you're gonna keep whining about every little cougar...
...that attacks you.
- What do you do? - What does it look like?
- We're farmers. - Well, he's a farmer, I'm a herdsman.
You're a suck is what you are.
- My brother Cain. I'm called Abel. - You are called "suck."
There you go with that "suck." What does that mean?
Short for "suckle." Short for "suckle up."
You're suckling up to God. You're a suckle-up.
Somebody's upset because God looked on my sacrifice with favor.
"God looked upon my sacrifice with favor." I mean...
- Is he a total suck or what? - Hard to say. We just met.
Why are you bringing these guys in it?
- They live in a tree. - Oh, see?
I mean, come on. You just gotta be so superior to everyone else.
No, but superior to... Than you.
Superior... Let's see how superior you are when I kick your ass.
- Oh, yeah? - You want some of that?
- Yes, I do. - Guys.
- I'm right here. I'm right here. - No, come on.
No. This smug asshole insulted you, and I want him to take it back.
- We're not that insulted. - Why don't you make me?
No, no. Boys, boys. You are brothers. Let's just relax...
...and let's all just get some perspective...
Yeah. Yeah. That's how we do it. That's how we do it. That's...
- There are rules that we abide by. - Yeah, right.
- Should we do something? - Just let them settle it.
I tripped.
Well, I guess that settles it.
- What? - Nothing.
It's... He's all right. He's just... He's resting.
Well, he's tuckered out from the fight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's... You know what?
Let's cover him up with a little dirt and some straw...
...to keep him warm until he wakes up and...
Hey. Abel, what are you doing with my foot? Playing possum?
Hey. Oh, hey, stop it. He's choking me.
Stop it, Abel. Are you trying to choke me to death, Abel?
"Yes, Cain, I am." Come on, stop it!
Self-defense. Clearly. Self-defense.
What have I done? What have I done?
What have I done again? What have I done some more?
What have I continued to do?
Oh, guys. Guys, we're in some real trouble here.
What do you mean, "we"?
I don't wanna play the blame game but you hit him.
No, no, no. There's two of you and there's one of me.
- You could have stopped me. - Didn't know you were gonna kill him.
- Are you calling me a murderer? - Did I say that?
It was an accident. Right?
Yeah, you were holding a rock...
...and he ran into it with his face repeatedly...
...until he just couldn't pull through.
- It was horseplay. - It was horseplay.
It was two horses playing.
One murders the other one...
Yeah. It's probably best if we didn't mention this accident to anyone.
Because, you know, people don't understand, and...
Who am I gonna tell?
I can't think of one who'd be interested.
I'd only tell him and he's a witness as well.
- Why even bring it up? - Okay.
- It's like he killed himself. - Cry for help, if anything.
All right. Good.
I like you guys. I do. I like you guys a lot. I do.
Why don't you come over to my place for supper?
- We already have dinner plans. - Damn.
Why don't you come over to my place for supper?
We'll come over to your place for supper.
I mean, how many times do we see you?
- Just don't kill me. - No horseplay.
- What? - Nothing.
What are these big, round things for?
They're wheels, numbskull. They make the cart roll.
I feel like a bird.
Bring it forth.
Hello.
I'm gonna yak.
Hey. What's wrong with you?
- Let me get your hair. - That was too fast.
Cain, I ask you again, where is thy brother Abel?
I don't know. I haven't really seen him at all.
Have you... You guys... You guys haven't seen him, have you?
- Don't know who that is. - I don't... Never...
- Don't know who you're talking about. - What's his name?
- Sure he's out there somewhere... - I haven't seen anybody anywhere.
Never had the pleasure. Sure he's in the prime of his life.
This is good soup. Really good.
Lilith said she saw you in the field with him.
Oh, man, this bread is good.
Oh, really? That... Oh, yeah. No, that was yesterday, right.
No, this day. She said you both made offerings.
- Oh, that was Boaz. Yeah. - No.
- Japheth. It was Japheth. - No.
- Enoch. - No.
- I'm sure it was Gilgamesh. - No.
- Ishmael. - No.
- Ezidia? - No.
- Jennifer? - No.
Now I'm remembering correctly. It was Tishbaven.
It was you. She said it looked like you were arguing.
Yeah, well, let's be honest. Lilith is a lying bitch.
Look, I mean, we're brothers. We're gonna argue, it's human nature.
- Show me the perfect family. - His flock goes untended in the field.
Okay, look. Enough. Am I his keeper?
I mean, just get off my back, Father.
I wish you were dead too. Even though Abel's not dead at all.
I fear the worst for Abel. I'm sorely vexed.
You're welcome to spend this night with us.
You may lay with my daughter Lilith.
...and then we'll be right behind you. - Good.
Hey, I'm heading to the coast. You guys should come with me.
They're gonna try to blame this whole Abel-killing business on you.
- Why blame it on us? - When they find him...
...and see his head, they're gonna start pointing fingers. You're drifters.
They're gonna put two and two together.
Now stop asking so many questions and let's go. Go, go, go.
Cain. After him.
- They're gaining on us. - They're getting away.
- Eat my dust, Father. - This is really too fast.
- Oh, no, no. - Hold tight. Hold tight.
Cain! My justice will be swift.
No. No! Damn you, Cain.
Who's in God's favor now, Father?
What are the odds of that? Hey, am I lucky or what?
Your head's smoking.
Hey, it didn't leave a mark, did it?
Just a pink, red hole.
- Your bangs are gonna cover it. - All right. Whatever.
This is the biggest place I've ever seen.
It's called a town. Just act normal.
- Hi. - Hello. Greetings, seafarer.
- That's not normal. - Hello.
Would you stop saying hi to everybody? It's annoying.
All right, this is a market. Over there is a Build-A-Bear.
That's a really good container store. Oh, this place has killer hemp.
- Yes, please. - Next up is an unusual item.
- He's big. He's strong. - It's Marlak.
Oh, do not worry. He is not fighting, he is having fun.
Okay, maybe he's little bit depressed.
Maya and Eema.
- Zed. - Eema.
- Hi. - Hi. Hi. Gosh.
What happened? How did you get here?
After the fire that you started, the hill tribes raided the village.
They held us captive...
...and traded us to the boat people, who brought us here.
So it's such a coincidence to run into you guys like this here.
- You think it's a coincidence? - What do you think?
I'm not sure, but I'm beginning to think that everything happens for a reason.
God wanted me to have knowledge of good and evil.
- Why would he want that? - Why are we assuming God's a he?
I don't know what to say to that.
You kidding?
Anyway, don't you guys see what I'm saying?
Why would he choose you?
Why wouldn't he choose someone stronger?
Chosen doesn't have to be strong. I'm big like this.
- You have a fat face. - My brain. It's enormous.
I'm smarter than you are. I don't talk as much.
I'm the smartest guy in the village.
I'm the smartest guy that was in the village.
Excuse me, you are interested in some slaves?
Yes.
- This one looks pretty good. - And her little friend. Very good.
- Just how I like them. - Hey.
Feisty.
So how do we do this if we want them?
You have money?
That depends on what you mean by money.
Excuse me. Perhaps I could be of some help here.
Now where do we go?
They said they were going to Sodom. We're going to Sodom.
I think I have sand in my ass, but there's no way of knowing for sure.
I'll take a look in it when we get to Sodom.
We making a burnt offering or something?
Yes, Isaac. As God has commanded me.
But I don't see the sheep anywhere.
The Lord. The Lord shall provide the sheep, my son.
What is this? Is this some sort of magic trick?
In a way. In a way.
If this is because I didn't clean up my tent, I'm sorry.
I'll do it right when I get home.
Oh, Dad, why are you doing this?
The Lord has spoken unto me, Isaac, and I must obey him.
If the Lord told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it?
- Forgive me, Isaac. - My God.
Stop! What are you doing with that kid?
- Nothing. - Nothing?
This is my son, sir. We were playing a game.
All right? It's called Burny Burny Cut Cut.
You weren't. You were gonna kill him.
I was not going to kill him. I was going to sacrifice him.
- There is a tremendous difference. - Not to him.
By what right dost thou interfere? Art thou sent by the Lord?
Yes. As a matter of fact, I am.
- Aye. Aye, verily, thou art. - Verily. Yea.
Thou were sent by the Eternal One to stay my hand.
- All of that. - This is Isaac.
And I am Abraham, the son of Terah of the House of Nahor.
We were two doors down from Nahor. We were Nahor's neighbors.
And I am Zed, son of Zero.
And this is Oh, son of Ooh from the House of Sticks and Dung.
The tents of my kinsmen lie just beyond.
Come. Come, my friends.
We are the Hebrews.
A righteous people, but not very good at sports.
This way, friends. Come.
Brothers, brothers.
Let us give thanks unto the Lord thy God...
...for staying my hand on the mountain this very day.
Praise be to God, hallowed be his name.
And let us also praise him...
...for the bounty which he hath bestowed unto us.
He hath increased our wealth...
...and blessed us with...
Thanks. Thank you. A lot of loving things.
- Kind loving kindness. - Yeah.
Friends, whence comest thou?
- He wants to know where you're from. - Thou comest not from...
...the Cities of the Plain, from Sodom and Gomorrah.
- Heard of them, never been there. - Are they nice?
"Are they nice?"
They have been cursed for all time by the Lord thy God...
...for their abominations. - I did not know that.
They worship idols and they bow down before false gods.
- Abdominal. - It's the worst.
The men of that city are weak and soft...
...fat with rich food, intoxicated by strong drink.
I'm not hearing the bad part.
The women are whores.
Their shameless lust knows no bounds.
They flaunt their flesh...
...and any man may have knowledge of them whenever he so chooseth.
Which one of the two cities has the most whores?
Just so we know to stay away from that one especially.
Walk you not the path of Sodom.
For the Lord thy God has said unto me...
...that he shall send a holy fire to destroy that city...
...and all who dwell within for their iniquity.
He shall smite them.
Them, and all of their seed.
So when do you think this smiting's gonna go down?
- Because we have some friends there. - Their fate is sealed.
- Come with me. - What do you do?
I've been a palace eunuch since I was 9 years old.
- How would I become a eunuch? - They cut off your testicles.
Why all the genital mutilation?
Well, you get to keep them. I always keep mine close at hand.
Would you like to see?
No.
Can I ask your opinion?
What do you think? Ponytail or no ponytail?
- I don't know and I really don't care. - Okay. I just wanted to know...
...what the ladies of Sodom were into nowadays, but...
This party is insane.
It's more of a hair-down kind of scene, I'd say.
Hi.
Be sure to try the fruit.
Maya. What are you doing here?
Okay, I'm still alive, thank you for asking...
...and I'm still a slave.
I was coming to rescue you. Really. That's why we were here.
- We were gonna find you. - Yeah?
You seemed worried about your ponytail just a second ago.
I was just...
- You were just chosen again. - I was.
I would love to join you at this orgy, but I can't...
...because I have to go be a slave, and I don't get any breaks.
And the princess has crabs.
Oh, yes, it's steamy.
God, that's realistic.
Watch it, jerk.
A real woman, that's...
Oh, excuse me, Miss...
Ter. Mister. Awkward.
Good concentration.
You're good. You're real good.
- Oh? Is that you? - I'm not supposed to talk, I'm a statue.
- Yeah, you look so gold. - It's all the gold paint.
- How's it going? - It's going great.
I just had my entire body painted by a fat guy with no balls.
- Oh, how did that go? - He was extremely thorough.
- How's it going with you? - Not bad.
Just had a little rub and scrub. Now I'm up for some grub.
- Sounds luxurious. - Hey.
You remember that woman who brought us in with the face dress?
That was Maya. She's working here now and she looks great.
- Kind of mad at me, though. - And there's Eema.
Come here, wench.
Let me have a look what's up that skirt.
- I'm sorry, it was an accident. - It was no accident.
Hey. You. Slave girl. I told you to fetch me more wine.
- Apologize to this officer now. - I'm sorry.
Good. Now go fetch. Wait over there by the skinny statue.
I'll deal with you later. Go!
Slaves. What are you gonna do?
Wait a minute.
Don't I know you?
- What are you, crazy? - I will not serve these people.
- I'd rather die. - Keep it up. You will.
Have you joined them?
I haven't joined anything. I'm not having fun.
I'm just checking it out. A lot to learn here.
- What, human sacrifice? - No. No human sacrifices.
I've been chosen to do something great.
Yeah, here we go.
I'm pretty sure it's not hunting pigs and weaving baskets.
- Oh? - Hello, Maya.
She wants to see you. Now.
Don't think I'm interested in her.
- Whyever would I think that? - It's part of my plan.
I'm gonna get us out of here soon as I can.
- The princess awaits you. - And I await her.
You two, await me. Stay out of trouble. Stay gold.
He has no idea what he's doing, does he?
- It's nice to see you like this. - It's nice to see you too.
We should do something. When do you get off?
- Never. I'm a slave. - Oh, yeah, of course.
Slave girl, bring me a towel.
Yeah, I should go be a slave.
I'm gonna strike a specific pose, I guess.
- Okay. - I love you.
You there. Golden boy. Come here.
Rub me with oil.
I'd rather not, if you don't mind. That's not...
I'm not one of the oil rubbers, I'm just a guard.
Rub me with oil or die.
- Is that enough? - Much more. Baste me like a chicken.
Oh, yes. Pour it all over me, you little bronze bitchlet.
Yeah, okay. You got the whole thing on you now.
Marvelous, I love it.
All right, well, have a good evening. I'm glad I could help you out.
Now rub it in.
With my hand?
No. With your nutsack. Of course, with your hand.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes, the oily oiliness.
The musky, precious, smoky, oily oiliness.
Yes, that's right. Oh, God, paint a picture on my body.
- Tell a story on my nipples. - Yeah.
That's right, take me down the smoky Euphrates.
Do something you'll be ashamed of later...
...you naughty little goat. All right, charm the snake.
- Eema. Hey... - Oh, just like that. Now slap me.
Probably why God didn't kill you: He knew you were my follower.
- I'm not your follower. - Why are you always following me?
I'm not following you. I walk behind you at the same pace as you.
Not following. I could be leading from the rear.
Come on. I'm the leader. I always have been.
Some leader. Told us you were gonna get us out.
- Just been messing around at orgies. - Messing around at orgies?
No, no. I'm not like you.
I don't get to prance around in gold paint and have fun.
- I have no downtime. - Please. Your whole life is downtime.
That's what you think? That's what everybody thinks.
I'm about to show you something. Observe.
Almighty God, or gods, whatever the case may be...
...I need to ask a favor of you.
I know I've really messed things up...
...but I really need to come through on this one...
...and I wanna ask you to please give me the strength to free my friends.
- And that's it, that's the favor. - Oh, shit.
And also, if you could just make it rain...
...or like drizzle without us having to kill a virgin, you know what I mean?
Because we need our virgins at the moment.
And also, if you could give me the power...
...to see through women's clothing without them knowing...
...that would be really great.
Hello?
Hasn't it occurred to you that it might be silent...
...because God is not in here? Look around. There's nothing in here.
That doesn't prove anything. Maybe he stepped away.
- For what? - God stuff.
If he needs something, he can create it from nothing.
What's the point of being God if you keep running for things?
Let me just put something out there. Maybe God doesn't exist.
What? So everything is just random?
Then nothing would mean anything.
- What would be the point? - That is the point.
That there's no point? That's stupid.
- You're stupid. - No.
- There's something bigger than me. - There's nothing bigger than you.
- Don't touch my belly to make a point. - Fine.
- Okay. I'm sorry, I have a man's body. - I'm maturing at my own pace.
- You are so jealous of me. - Jealous? That you're a bullshit artist?
That every time you speak, it's bullshit coming out of your mouth?
You would believe in God if you've ever been with a woman.
- I'm a virgin by choice. - Not your choice.
- Take that back. - I won't.
- Take back what you said. - Take back what you said.
Everything you've ever said.
Don't stand close. Get your belly off of my belly.
Don't touch my belly.
I don't want to touch bellies with you, ever.
Take everything you've ever said back.
- You're out of control. - You're a freak.
- Stop screaming, stop screaming. - You're a freak! Get off me.
I can pull this thing together. The princess is right out there.
And if I play this right...
...l'm gonna get us all out of here, Maya and Eema too.
Just trust in me. Have a little faith.
Fine, but not for you. For Eema. And I'm too tired to argue right now.
I had a long hot bath with the high priest, and I'm lightheaded.
I'm sorry for squeezing you so hard.
Let's go. Freak.
God, if you do exist, if you make Eema love me...
...I would be very grateful. Okay?
If you do exist.
You guys waiting to go in there?
Because I gotta say: Not that big a deal.
If you see a broken penis, it was like that when we went in.
Seize him.
I'm seized.
I wish I was upside down.
Looks kind of fun.
Is it fun?
So you're not talking to me?
We're not friends anymore, after all I've done for you?
- What have you done for me? - I brought you out of your shell.
Yeah? I liked my shell. I liked the village.
Because of you, I'm in this horrible place where brothers kill brothers...
...and they burn women and they make people slaves.
People cut off the ends of their penises...
...and their testicles and I'm never gonna see Eema again...
...and it's because of you.
Please forgive me. I mean, you are my best friend.
I hate the world! I hate you!
And now I'm hanging upside down and I really have to pee.
I know I'm not perfect.
And maybe I made a few wrong turns, but you gotta understand I'm chosen.
That's a lot of responsibility. You can't even imagine.
The only one that thinks that you're chosen is you. So shut up already!
I'm gonna get us out of this thing if it's the last thing I do.
That was just my first idea.
I'm also accepting ideas.
Guard! The upside down prisoner has to pee!
Oh, I'm peeing.
Oh, no.
Try to keep your mouth closed.
Oh, no. In the nose.
Hey, I'm peeing on my face too, on the inside.
I hate you.
Observe, my dear...
...since it was you who lured him to his death.
"For the crimes of blasphemy...
...heresy...
...conspiracy..."
- What you thinking about? - "Treachery...
...leprosy..."
Trying to make conversation.
"Puppetry...
...hyperbole..." - Your hair looks really good today.
- I peed all over it. - Then that's the secret, I guess.
"Sodomy..."
- Oh, it's "refusal of sodomy." - Yeah!
Can you just forgive me?
I think I hate you too much.
"Lechery and the murder of my brother, Abel."
- Oh, come on! - Shut it!
For these, and other crimes...
...the prisoners shall be stoned...
...to death!
- Wait! Can I make a suggestion? - What?
Just have one person throw stones at us.
In fact, I think it would be fair if you let us choose who gets to stone us.
No. That doesn't make any...
- We want that guy. - That guy.
- Me? - That's our stoner.
What, just because I'm a eunuch you don't think I can throw?
I'll show you throwing.
No, no. No, no, no! Gross.
Did he just hurl his own ball at him? How spectacular.
No! That doesn't count. That was a testicle.
I think it counts.
- Pick somebody else. - What is that idiot doing?
- I pick that guy! - Nice.
- This guy? - No, no, the shorter man.
Right in front of him.
It's a kid. This is a kid.
So? You got something against kids? This guy hates kids.
- Let me smite him! - Kid hater!
- One shot! - No, they're our future!
All right. Hey, go ahead and...
Okay. I'm hit.
Holy shit, that kid's got an arm.
God. There's two of us.
Are you guys happy now?
Okay! Everybody on this side, on the count of three! One, two...
Wait! I have a question for the king.
Why didn't I die in the Holy of Holies?
Yes! I entered the Holy of Holies and, lo, I did not die.
Why? Because I was chosen by the gods!
Spare the chosen one! Spare the chosen one!
- Spare the chosen one! - And his friend!
- And his young friend. - Don't kill either of them.
Everyone knows the chosen gets a plus one.
Is it possible? Is he truly chosen?
Well, of course it's possible. Highly doubtful.
Majesty, with respect...
For the love of the people, and the heavenly gift of rain...
...we offer a humble sacrifice:
Our own stepdaughter...
...the Princess Inanna.
- You're insane. - For the good of the people, darling.
- You wouldn't dare. - Wouldn't I?
If you like, I can arrange for you to join her.
Mother.
How long did you think I would tolerate your insolence?
Burn her.
Drink it. You won't feel a thing.
Are they booing me? How dare they.
They love you. They're wooing you.
That's fine. You know?
It's Maya! And Eema! Wait, Maya's a virgin?
No, don't kill them!
- Far enough, slave. - No, kill me! I'm a male virgin.
Marlak, we can't let them do this! Eema!
Eema. Eema!
- I gotta get down there. - Over my dead body.
- No problem. - No. Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Thanks, Marlak. - Now what?
We implore the great gods to show us a sign...
...so that we may honor your divine will.
Take this end. Lower me down.
Oh, dear.
Oh, no.
- What is it? - It's a sign.
The chosen one comes! It's a sign! He's going to end our suffering!
Fight the power! Yes, we can!
All together!
Let's cut some foreskins!
I knew I could depend upon your loyalty.
Assholes.
Burn them. Burn them now. Burn them all!
Don't struggle, it's the will of the gods.
I don't think so.
Zed!
Guards!
- Sorry! - Stupid.
Ma'am? Okay? All right? Get the message?
Okay, we should be safe in here.
Thank you.
So, Eema, this might be a bad time to say this...
...but that stuff that you saw the other night...
...with the high priest, that...
He's a friend. That was totally not a gay thing.
I always thought that you and I had a connection.
So I just wanted to mention it now.
I always thought that we had one and maybe...
...thought you might've felt the same.
I just wanted to maybe bring it up and see what you would say.
But I always thought... I always have felt a certain way about you.
I don't know if you know or not but you...
All those dead birds that were always outside of your hut...
...those were from me.
- Just kiss me. - From me like a gift for you.
I don't know, I thought you'd like those.
I always thought that you could maybe use the dead birds...
...in a soup or something.
Or, I don't know, I thought they were practical.
Should I take off my undercloth?
Oh, tough guy, huh? You want a piece of me?
I'm gonna bash your head in.
That was a nice shot.
Hey.
Zed!
Get up and die like a man.
Nobody harm this woman. She's not a virgin anymore.
- He's not either. - I saved her life with my lovemaking.
Sit tight, Mama. Daddy's gotta fight.
Okay. No, wait, wait, wait! Wait, don't kill him!
What?
I just had sex with my new girlfriend.
- So? - I had to tell somebody. It was great.
I loved it. I'm hoping I'm gonna get another opportunity.
- What's going on behind you? - I'm not falling for that.
Sodomize this!
Hey, Zed!
- Stop! No! - Get back!
- Let her go! - No!
The gods demand a sacrifice. You're ruining it!
- How about a little more oil? - Yes, darling?
I always knew you'd break my heart.
A little hot!
That was ironic.
So...
...on behalf of the whole city...
...l'd like to thank the high priest for his sacrifice.
That was really something, wasn't it?
Come on. Put your hands together, it makes a sound.
The chosen one! The chosen one! The chosen one! The chosen one!
Okay, that was a little confusing, wasn't it?
Was that a sign from the gods?
Everybody wants to know.
Well, I should know, because I'm the chosen one, right?
Yeah!
You respect me.
Yeah!
You love me.
Yeah!
You fear me.
Yeah!
You would worship me.
Yeah!
Well, don't.
- Yeah! - No.
And I'm not saying, "Don't" like, "I'm the chosen one, so don't."
I'm saying, "Don't" because I'm not the chosen one.
I thought I was, but I'm not, sorry.
Turns out I'm just a guy from the woods...
...who was lucky enough to have these great friends to watch my back.
I'm telling you, you don't need me.
You know what? Maybe we can all make our own destiny.
Yeah. Maybe we could all be chosen.
Yeah.
- You! You could be chosen! - Yeah!
- And you! And you! - Yeah!
Way over in the back! You, little guy!
Yeah!
- So you're queen. - Couldn't have done it without you.
Yeah, you could've.
No, really, I tried for years and...
All right, maybe you couldn't have. I was pretty amazing with the old...
Sorry about almost luring you to your death.
Oh, please.
All right.
Okay.
See you later.
Come on, people.
- Pick up that bag of camel dung. - Yes, sir.
Hang on to it all day.
Hustle up. These donkeys don't pack themselves.
- I will kill you where you stand. - Relax.
They cut a little off the end but there's plenty more where that came from.
This is my woman. Stay away from her, or I'll kill you.
- Okay, okay. I'm sorry. - Just go.
Get out of here or I'll kill you.
Cranky today.
So are you still thinking about going to Egypt?
Supposed to be a real happening place. You coming with or not?
Well, I mean, I was kind of planning on going anyway, so...
Let me show you this new style. Everyone's doing it.
You open your mouth really wide. It makes it way sexier.
I'm thinking about introducing the tongue, but I haven't perfected it yet.
- You know, we'll work on that. - All right.
Look at us. Two men.
One going to lead a village and the other going to explore the world.
You sure you don't wanna come back, help me?
You don't need me. Everybody knows you're the smartest guy in the village.
Gonna know you're the most incredible warrior anyone's ever seen.
The way you punched that lady? Man!
I mean, you know...
She left me no choice, so I had to, you know, punch her in the face.
Well, we'll tell stories about you around the fire.
Strangers shake hands. Get that thing out of here.
- I'm gonna miss you, little guy. - I'm gonna miss you more.
Just trying to sniff you. I wanna remember your scent.
That's probably the urine in my hair.
I can't let them see me cry. They respect me too much.
Me too. On three. One, two, three, break.
Well, may the gods smile on you. See you around.
Whatever. Later.
- Oh? - What?
I want you to have babies with my sister.
- Try and stop me. - All right, man.
- Zed, may the gods smile on you. - You said that.
- May they. Yeah. - Thank you, though.
All right come on, folks. We're heading out now because I say so, all right?
What's the deal? Come on, Lindsey. Come on, everyone's looking.
Please. Go. Good.
To the north!
You know that that's west.
I was just checking to see if you knew.
To the west!
I'm already glad you're here.
One, two, three, foreskin!
Invoke your blessing and do your will.
What's the fucking line? What is it?
It was a game. It was a game of chance...
...and he hit his head and he killed himself.
If anything, it was a suicide. Okay.
I let one go.
In honor of the chosen one, as my first official act as your queen...
...l'm going to go back and say the line again.
- Let's go back. Do you wanna try it? - Yeah.
You just want it all.
You want to taste it all and know it all and feel it all.
And suck it all in and blow it all out your backside, don't you?
Sorry.
It's like the Great Turtle coming out of the sea, you know?
It's like with the earth on its back, you understand?
I'm an oilman.
You're cursed, Zed, and if you don't leave here we're all gonna be cursed.
And it drank up the ocean, then pooped out the mountains...
...and the first man fell from the stars.
This is... I don't... This doesn't make a lot of sense, guys.
Can I talk to Harold? Is that...?
What's that?
A strange Gorgon from another time!
I weep for the suffering of my people.
We're getting boned...
...by the planes, the trains, and the what, huh?
Zed?
- Oh, that's great. - Zed? It's constricting me.
Can I show you this new kiss I been thinking about?
- Yeah. - It's called a tongue kiss.
- It's strange. Yeah. Okay. - Still perfecting it, yeah.
- It's fine. - All right.
What?
And camera reloading!