(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)
(CLATTERING)
What was that?
Honey, are the kids up? What are they doing?
I peed.
Kevin peed the bed.
Our bed? Uh-huh.
All 500 thread counts of Egyptian cotton.
KEVIN: I'm sorry. DAVE: You're sorry?
I don't want you to worry about it, buddy.
It'll happen again your freshman year of college, trust me.
No more sodas before bed!
Sit down here. But I like soda.
How you doing, big guy? Good morning.
Let's have a big morning!
Let's start off with a little breakfast, get our Froot Loops.
Here's Daddy's coffee. And I need it.
Here's your bowl of fruit, without the loops.
Why no loop?
Daddy doesn't need loops.
DAVE: I gotta eat it. If I eat a big meal now,
then I can watch what I eat later.
Otherwise, I'll get starved and raid the refrigerator.
Okay, honey. We've got to hurry up,
'cause we got to go to hockey.
I thought you could do that
because I might try to get a little bit of work done today.
Honey, we have to go by the showroom and pick out the tile.
I want you to see it. We talked about this last week
and I told you how important today was for me.
VOICE ON VIDEOGAME: I'm Mega Man! May the best team win!
(WHOOPING)
Okay, guys, let's keep it down.
Keep the eyes on the. . . On the screen.
You guys doing good? BOYS: Yes.
Honey? Yeah.
What do you think? Nickel, brushed nickel, chrome or brushed chrome?
I like the silver ones.
They're all silver.
Well, great. Pick out whichever knob that you like, then.
No, I'm not gonna pick whichever knob I like
because you know what's gonna happen?
Is that I'm gonna pick one and then you're gonna complain
once they're in and then it'll be too late.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello? Dave, where the heck have you been?
I'm picking out pulls. Why have you been calling me nonstop?
Well, you know how my credit's all screwed up because of my wife?
But you're divorced.
I need you to cosign for my motorcycle.
What motorcycle? I'm buying a motorcycle.
Shane, you have no money.
Why in the world would you be buying a motorcycle that you can't afford?
Dave, you're white. You can't understand this.
This is something different.
Don't play the race card with me, Froot Loop.
I'll take him in. You stay with Kevin, okay?
Okay. All right, go ahead.
Have fun, champ. Go get 'em, buddy.
You should see this thing. It's awesome. Even Trudy loves it.
Who's Trudy?
That's my girlfriend.
Girl from the mall?
She's 20 years old, Dave.
Let's go. Let's move it. I got bikes to move.
Listen, Shane. You are not buying
some 20-year-old broad a motorcycle.
I'm not buying her anything, it's for me!
Daddy, what's taking so long?
Hey, baby, I'm on the phone,
and I would prefer it if you didn't call me that in public.
But I call all my boyfriends Daddy!
Dave, you gotta do this for me.
Why don't you just lease it?
No, she'll know.
Who will know? She's a kid.
Buy her a Hello Kitty book.
Get her an assignment notebook and put rainbow stickers in it.
You don't have to buy her a motorcycle.
Did you or did you not say, "Move on"?
I told you to try to work it out.
Joey's the one who told you to move on.
Can you give me a minute?
Try to make it fast, Daddy.
Dave, I'm hurting. I would love for my wife to come back.
But we know that's not gonna happen.
It's nice to feel appreciated.
I need this for me.
Fine. Just text me the address. Okay?
Pick out a helmet, baby!
Daddy!
RONNIE: So, honey, this is the tile.
It's all gonna happen at once and I really need you to dial in.
Sweetheart, I'll help you.
I want a sugar cone.
I'm gonna hit you after this, buddy. Okay.
Honey, you work from 8:00 to 8:00.
You're not gonna be helping anyone.
Hang on, honey, okay?
It's just really busy right now
because the video game ships this month.
Now that I have you, I just want you to dial in
and tell me what you really think.
It's fine.
Do you love it?
As much as I can love tile, I love this tile.
Okay, good, 'cause it's $1 ,000.
Really? Mmm-hmm.
Is that installed?
Nope, just the tile.
Well, what is it made out of? Whale tusks?
No, it's not made out of whale tusks.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) This is so boring.
Give me just one second. Let me just grab this.
Honey? We have to do this today. Hello?
JOEY: Hello, Dave. Joey?
Yeah, hey. Look... Just one second, that's it.
...what are you doing about the Jason thing?
If it's Joey, can you ask him if he's coming to the party?
Are you. . . Are you coming to the party on Sunday?
Yeah, yeah, I'll be there.
Yeah, he's coming, all right?
Give me one second. Stay with Mom.
One second.
Jason's gonna be calling you, all right?
He's got another one of his PowerPoint deals that. . .
(PHONE BEEPS) Hold on one second. Hello?
Hey, Dave, it's Jason.
Listen, I'd love to put something on the books with you and Ronnie.
Are you gonna make it to Kevin's birthday on Sunday?
Yes, I am. Now, listen, I was hoping that
you guys would come down here to the firm
because Cynthia and I have a PowerPoint presentation
that would just play gangbusters in the conference room.
(PHONE BEEPING) Okay, okay, hold on one second. It's ringing.
Hello? Why'd you hang up on me?
I didn't hang up on you. You're on hold.
He's trying to get me to see another one of his PowerPoint things.
That stuff creeps me out.
It's just how he communicates.
He's. . . He's, you know. . . He's overly efficient.
Well, I don't like hearing about ball cancer,
let alone looking at diagrams.
Joey, he was scared.
Tell him I'm not going.
I ain't telling him you're not going.
You know, I got him on the other line.
You can tell him yourself. Hold on.
I don't want to. . . I don't. . .
DAVE: Hello, Jason?
Yeah. I got Joey on the line.
Hey, Joey, I've left you
a bunch of voice mail messages all morning. Where are you?
Listen, I can't make it.
Well, we haven't even set a time yet, you know.
If you'd listened to the voice mail,
you'd know that this is just a feeler call
to check your temperature on schedule.
I'm not sitting through another slide show about ball cancer.
Listen, pal, I'm alive today because of early detection, all right?
Is this about ball cancer?
'Cause l. . . I'm not into that, either.
I'm gonna wrap this up right now.
No, it's not about testicular cancer, Dave,
and if you two refuse to check your scrotums for hardened nodules,
I certainly can't force you, can I?
Look, I gotta go, all right? Bye.
Dave, are you still there? Hello, Dave?
Kevin ! Kevin, that's not a real toilet!
Sweetheart, he's pissing in the middle of the whole thing !
Buddy, I gotta go.
But Cynthia and I are willing to offer you a life-changing opportunity.
Jason, you don't understand. My son is literally peeing
right in the middle of the store. I gotta go. Go, go, go.
Okay, but that's not a real toilet there.
It looks like a real toilet to me.
Yeah, it looks real. Okay.
That's a whole other conversation.
You feel better? Yep.
Okay, let's button those up. You want me to get those for you?
Yep.
There's not a lot to say. Sorry about that.
LACEY: Mom, Dad's home.
Hi, hon.
Hey, how was your day?
Usual. Yours?
Good.
Okay, love you. Bye.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a second, wait a second.
You're going out? Yeah, I'm going out.
What are. . . What are you wearing?
Shorts. Shorts?
That's. . . That's a Maxi Pad.
Dad, they're designer shorts. They're French. Goodbye.
Could you just come over here? Sit down for a second.
I don't have time for this.
Come here. Sit down. No, I'm. . .
I'm late and they're waiting for me.
I know,
but you still live in my house for another few months, okay?
Yeah, I know. Now when you dress like that,
you send signals.
You know what kind of guy you attract like that?
You attract the guy with the. . .
With his pants around his ass at the mall.
No, I don't! Yes, you do.
Sweetheart, he is right.
Lacey, I'm saying you're beautiful.
You're smart. You're a good person.
You just got accepted into Stanford.
We're so proud of you.
I'm just saying know your value, okay?
And if a guy doesn't see that, he doesn't deserve you.
No, and you don't want to be with those guys, honey.
Okay, then I'll go change.
Thank you.
And could you change the pictures on your Facebook page?
Dad.
It's just 'cause we love you.
Love me less.
I don't want any bikini pictures on the Internet!
When you're living in my house, you're a Taliban !
Okay? You keep your body a secret.
Except you get to, you know, go to school and read books.
Did you send the tuition check?
You said you were going to.
Please. Don't start this again.
Yeah, I didn't start with it. You just brought it up.
You're supposed to send the check.
You said you were gonna do it.
You never do anything you say you're gonna do.
Eighteen years. Just try to hold it together for another couple months.
Trust me, I'm counting the days.
Do that hurt, Daddy, or do that feel good?
It's both. It hurt and it feel good.
Bang, bang.
(REPEATS IN SQUEAKY TONE)
Did you put in the wide beauty shots?
Yeah.
Are you sure?
Why would you ask me that?
You know I triple-check everything.
Yeah, no, I know. It's just, you know, super-important, okay?
We only get one shot at it.
It'd just be nice if you could show me a little bit of trust.
I do. Come on, I do, I do. I just want this to be perfect, that's all.
It's not about trust. Come on.
I want it to be perfect, too.
Good.
(KIDS LAUGHING)
LUCY: How old is she?
I think she's 20. He met her at the mall.
She was working at Foot Locker.
He was so in love with Jennifer.
I am shocked he met someone so quickly.
I know. I was hoping they were just taking a break.
I haven't even heard from her since they split up.
I think he got us in the divorce. You want more wine?
Cynthia, it's time. We're all set up in the bedroom.
Great. Ladies?
You're kidding, right? No, it's easy.
We brought our own screen.
You can't do it right now.
We're in the middle of my son's birthday party.
It won't take long and I know you're gonna be really excited.
Bring your booze.
Okay, then.
We're taking the wine.
MAGICIAN: Watch this, guys. Watch. This is a really spooky ball.
(KIDS CHEERING)
Just, could you please put the ball cancer video on?
I'm trying, Joey.
Please. I don't want to watch that ball cancer video.
Where's Trudy?
Oh, she's watching the magician.
Well, there it is. Okay.
This is not a video and it is not about ball cancer.
Thank God. That's a first.
Jason and I are seriously considering getting a divorce.
Okay? So, it's no secret
that Cynthia and l have had our problems
trying to conceive over the last 1 2 months.
That's no reason to get a divorce.
No.
We know. Of course not.
But suffice it to say, it's been more than taxing on both of us,
and it's forced us to question our entire relationship.
You two are perfect for each other.
We're just not so sure about that anymore.
We're not in a good place.
Now, this is not a decision that we're taking lightly.
Cynthia and l have been together for eight long years.
And if it's not meant to be,
we just don't want to waste any more of each other's time.
Yeah. Because, if we do get divorced,
it will take at least six months
to go through the five stages of grief.
For the sake of argument,
let's optimistically assume it takes six months to find compatible mates.
Tack on another 1 2 months for courtship,
an additional six months for attempting procreation. . .
You can see how this starts to stack up.
Sounds like you guys are really working from the heart on this one.
Well, we're lost, Dave,
and so what we need to do is we need to take the next two weeks
and we need to find out whether we're gonna push forward,
or whether we're gonna fold up shop.
And that is why we are going to go here.
You're on, Cyn.
Welcome to Eden. Okay? The ultimate playground for couples.
It's got fun, it's got sun. It's Disneyland for adults.
Wow. That is amazing.
Yeah, you guys are gonna have a blast.
Actually, we have found a great group rate.
Oh, there's the fine print.
No, now. . . Now, Joey, you know, just. . .
The embarrassing fact is that, you know,
Cynthia and I can't afford to go to this place by ourselves,
but if all of us go together, it's half-price.
It's called the Pelican Package.
Okay? It's six nights, seven days and it's all inclusive.
And there are quite a few activities you can choose from.
Who here likes to eat?
I know you guys do. I sure do.
CYNTHIA: Right? Boom !
Why not do it at a four-star restaurant?
You guys, it has a state-of-the-art spa.
Ah. Mmm-hmm.
They've got your kayaking, they've got your windsurfing,
they've got your canoeing,
they've got your jet skiing. Wow.
It's got Couples Skill Building and snorkeling. . .
Who, whoa, whoa. Back up.
What was that last thing?
Snorkeling?
No, no. Before snorkeling and after jet skiing,
you said, "Couples Skill Building."
That sounds like therapy to me.
(ALL GROANING) See, that's gonna be a problem.
We don't believe in therapy. No.
Hell to the no.
Then you don't have to do it.
That's the great thing about the Pelican Package, you guys.
It really includes everything.
Obviously, Jason and l want to partake
in the Couples Skill Building,
but you guys can just do the fun stuff.
So what are we asking?
We're asking for you guys to fly to paradise
and have an awesome time, okay?
I mean, this. . . Come on, it would be a blast.
Jason, I got a job,
and with everything that's going on with the house and with the kids right now,
it would be impossible for us to leave them.
Yeah, we can't.
When was the last time you two took a vacation? Hmm?
I mean, don't you want to go to this island and have fun,
together, as a couple?
What kind of question is that?
That's like asking Richard Simmons,
would he rather stuff his face or skip around to the oldies.
Of course he'd rather stuff his face, but he can't,
'cause he's. . . He's got to stay thin so he can. . .
So he can get up and do his thing and. . . And make videos.
Maybe he needs the money. Maybe he's got a gambling problem !
I don't know what goes on in that dude's head !
And I'd love to go to that island, but I can't, either.
Not 'cause I got to make videos like Rich, but I got other obligations.
Listen, I can really appreciate the situation that you guys are in.
Right, well, we need to know by midnight.
We've been on the wait list forever
and these slots just opened up.
We'd need to leave next week.
Next week?
That's right.
What happened to spontaneity? What happened to fun?
I don't know. Why don't we have a PowerPoint presentation
on spontaneity and fun and figure that one out?
Look, Cynthia and l need this trip, okay?
I mean, really. You know, the problem is,
you know, we've stopped having fun
and we're not even sure we know how to anymore, okay?
So, what we need to find out is can we get back to the place
where we really enjoy each other, you know?
Can we get back to the place of, you know, being in love?
(COMPUTER BEEPS)
Cynthia's IM-ing me.
Jason was IM-ing me all night.
What'd you tell him?
I logged off.
The place did look beautiful. You know what it made me think?
It'd kind of be like we got to take our honeymoon, finally.
God, yeah.
That'd be great.
Really?
Yeah.
Don't you think? I mean, I don't know, maybe it's a girl thing.
When you're a little girl,
you dream about your wedding and your honeymoon. . .
You know.
I was pretty lucky to get that job right away.
Yeah, of course.
I mean, I can't even imagine. . .
Living in your dad's basement any longer? No.
(SIGHS)
It's funny how time goes so fast.
That doesn't seem that long ago.
No.
Seems like we just had so much going on
and we have ever since,
but maybe the thing to do is just really
buckle down over these next six months
and then when we come up for air, we'll go somewhere.
That sounds like a plan.
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Dave? Did you hear that?
Go back to bed, honey.
(LOUD BANG)
What's going on?
I think there's someone outside.
(DOG BARKING)
Okay, I'll check it out.
(SAFE BEEPING)
Honey, be careful.
(ALARM BLARING)
Freeze! Do not move!
Hey, don't. . . No, it's me, it's me, it's me! It's me! It's Jason !
What's going on?
It's fine, honey, it's Jason.
Hello!
Why didn't you call?
Didn't want to wake you up. Sorry, blew that. Back to bed.
Are you crazy? I could've blown your head off!
What does that say about you, huh?
Rapists don't gently toss pebbles at the window, Dave.
Wait, can you let me figure it out, please? There's too much going on.
Turn it off!
DAVE: It costs money every time this thing goes off.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello? Yeah, everything's fine. I'm sorry.
The password is "ass-tastic." That's right.
"Ass-tastic." One word. "Ass-tastic." "Ass-tastic." It's. . .
A-S-S-T-A-S-T-l-C. Okay? Ass-tastic.
That's right, it's. . . Okay. Yeah. No, thank you. We're fine.
l. . . Yes, thank you.
Didn't want to go with the pet's name?
What are you doing here, dude?
What do you think I'm doing here?
Jas, you're showing up to my house in the middle of the night.
Dave. You're breaking and entering. You're on tilt.
Yeah, I know, I'm losing my mind.
This. . . The whole fertility doctor thing is just an absolute disaster.
We don't communicate anymore. We're fighting all the time.
We. . . The only time we have sex is,
you know, when she's ovulating,
and even then, it's cold. It's emotionless.
It's. . . I don't know.
Like an oil derrick.
We used to be very, very spontaneous at that.
Now, it's. . . I don't know.
Twice a week, tops.
That's a lot.
Is it? How often do you do it?
It's different now, 'cause we got the kids, so. . .
So?
Well, my son falls asleep in the bed with us.
That shouldn't stop you.
That's disgusting.
I'm not saying he should tickle your balls.
Just move him into his room when he falls asleep.
Jason. I can really appreciate what you're going through,
but, man, this couldn't come at a worse time.
There's just no way that we can pull away
from everything and go right now.
I'm sorry, but there's just no way we can go on the trip.
I'm just scared, you know. Just scared.
You know, my whole life, everything I’ve known about it
for the last eight years might be over,
and, you know, I'm prepared to face that,
you know, if it's for the best.
If, you know. . . If it's not there anymore, then, you know,
I'll face it. I don't want to do that alone.
And I know that Cynthia doesn't want to do that alone.
You know, we'd just. . . We'd love to have our friends there.
You know that if you go, everyone else will go.
And I have never asked you for anything.
But I am asking you for this, Dave.
Daddy?
Hey, guys, the alarm was just an accident.
You can go back to bed. It's just Uncle Jason.
Okay, guys. It's fine. Let me take you back to bed.
We want you to go on your trip.
We heard you talking at the party
and you said you couldn't go because of us.
We don't want you guys to get a divorce.
What?
What are you talking about, honey? We're not getting a divorce.
But we just want you to be happy.
Guys, we are happy.
We're very happy, honey.
Were you guys listening to Uncle Jason's slide show?
Thank you, buddy. That's great.
That was adult time.
And why do you think they were listening, Jason?
I'm sorry about that.
We want you to go, so we called Grandpa to come take care of us.
You called Grandpa?
You called him tonight? It's a three-hour drive.
Grandpa's coming to babysit us.
Is Grandpa driving down here now?
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Yay! Grandpa Jim Jim's here!
You know, this has gotten way out of hand.
I'm sorry. I just. . . I wanted five minutes of your time. I'm so sorry.
You got. . . You got kids, you got guns,
you got grandpas that, you know. . .
You got to explain infertility and divorce and all that,
and so you got a lot of parenting to do tonight.
I'm gonna go. I'm gonna let myself out right here.
I will, however, take the fact that
Grandpa Jim Jim's at the front door as a firm, tentative yes.
Pack lots of shorts. It's really hot there.
You're gonna sweat your bag off. Night-night, kids!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Hi. Welcome.
Thank you.
This place is beautiful.
Look. Hi, hello.
Holy shit, this looks like a screen saver! Thanks.
Seems like he might be kind of the guy. Come on, gang.
Hi, we are the Smith party. Party of eight.
Eight for Smith.
Jason Smith?
That's me.
Welcome to Eden.
My name is Sctanley. Spelled with a "C".
I will be escorting you to the Eden West resort.
Please, step aboard our shuttle.
No need to take your bags. They will be waiting for you in your villas.
(EXCLAIMING)
Excuse me. Sorry. Is this the shuttle for the Eden resort?
Oh, yeah, yeah, that's the shuttle.
Raq, she's still a little buzzed from the flight.
Man, totally. Me, too. I don't even know what I'm doing.
Excuse me. What name are your reservations booked under?
The San Diego Dance Academy.
Wow.
Ah. You ladies are actually traveling
on this shuttle, to Eden East.
Bummer. Bye.
See you. Bye.
Would you care to join your wife?
Let's do it. Shall we?
Are they going someplace else?
Eden East. It is an entirely different resort.
RONNIE: It's beautiful.
DAVE: And the luggage is already in there, huh?
Yeah. This is yours.
DAVE: Unbelievable.
The 1 01 . RONNIE: Wow.
DAVE: And we can jump right out into this here?
You can do whatever you like.
DAVE: Wow.
RONNIE: Look at the water.
SCTANLEY: Please. Thank you.
(GASPS)
Wow. Wow.
I'm gonna check the bedroom. Okay, baby.
Look at this, baby.
Oh, my God. Look at this.
Welcome to your villa.
It keeps getting better, huh?
It's like a little love hut.
Wow.
This is insane!
Honey, they got fish that you can see here through the floor!
Baby, they got a hole where you can see the fish !
Yeah, they got fish in here, too, baby!
Jason, this is dreamy.
Baby, you can jump right in the ocean on this thing,
and they got a hot tub on the deck!
They got the ocean and they got the hot tub!
You can dive in the ocean and you got a hot tub!
Yeah, they got a hot tub in here, too!
(EXCLAIMING)
Oh, my God. Yo, I gotta take a picture of this.
Did I tell you? Did I deliver? Oh, my God.
She ain't never seen nothing like this.
I roll like this! Shit, yeah !
I'm glad you like, sir.
I be rolling like this.
So what goes on over there? I hear there's music.
Is a party for single woman and men, sir.
Yes. How do l get over there?
No, you cannot. You can take the boat if you want,
but not for you. Okay, when's the boat? Not for me.
No, because you got married here,
the west coast to Eden Resort so that's why you must keep here.
I don't understand what you're saying. You sound like Chewbacca.
Well, my instinct is to stay married to her,
but what do you think I should do?
I mean, do you get a good vibe from us or not-so-good vibe?
I don't know, sir.
What about this room, in particular?
You've checked a lot of people into this room
and checked a lot of people out.
Do they usually leave happier or less happy?
I really don't know, sir.
How do I get over to the party?
By boat or by taxi boat.
Okay. I'd like to arrange a boat or a taxi boat.
No, it's not possible for you.
Must to stay here with your wife.
Okay, so how do l. . .
(WHOOPING) Fish !
Hello.
Where's the television? The main house.
There's no TV in the room? No, not possible.
But it's the playoffs.
As an alternative to television,
might I recommend a stroll to the hidden waterfall?
Might you recommend putting honey in my ears
and having me fall asleep on an anthill?
It's the playoffs.
Honey, the waterfall sounds amazing. A little romance.
You'll find that the Eden program creates a palace of solitude,
if you just give yourself over to it.
How's the cell service here?
Monsieur Marcel believes that technology is a distraction.
Well, how about tipping, would that be a distraction?
I'm kidding you.
Tipping is not permitted, nor is money of any kind.
Everything here in Eden is free.
Really?
We do, however, accept smiles.
(ALL CHATTERING)
Did you guys hear what they have in the spa?
With the snow?
Did you know that they have a steam, a rain, and a snow room here?
It's a new European spa.
What's a wahoo?
It's a fish.
I don't eat fish.
It's out of this world. They catch it right here.
I used to work at Red Lobster,
so I know what they do with them fish in the kitchen.
But, baby, this is not like the Red Lobster. It's a four-star restaurant.
I don't give a shit! It's still Mexicans cooking that shit
and I know what they do to it!
I'm one-twelfth Latina, and even if I wasn't, I'm 1 00% human,
so I don't appreciate comments like that.
I don't make fun of tu la raza, so por favor,
please, don't make fun of mi la raza.
Oh, I'm sorry, boo. I didn't mean no disrespect.
Yo, I was with mad Mexicans before Shane, anyway.
Good evening. I trust you're all settled in.
Hey, my main man !
Are you in the mood to accept some smiles?
'Cause this spread is phenomenal.
Why don't you join us for a drink? You want to pull up a chair?
We'll order some shots.
You might want to go easy on those. You have an early morning.
Quite the contrary.
I don't have an early morning,
'cause I tell you what's gonna go down tonight.
I am going to get just a little bit tipsy.
And then I'm gonna go ahead and stuff my face on the Seafood Tower,
and I plan on shutting it down in a big way.
(EXCLAIMS)
I, if everything goes well, will be in my room,
passed out on my face, come lunch-ski.
Well, I'm afraid that isn't going to be possible.
I'm here to present you with your itinerary.
Fantastic. You guys hear that?
This is a hard copy thing, too.
This is not like. . . This isn't like
a piece of paper with an itinerary.
No. This is like a book.
Thanks. And the journey begins.
Couples Skill Building at 6:00 a.m.?
Yeah, see, I was planning on sleeping in,
and then maybe hitting the jet skis.
That is not part of your immediate program here at Eden West.
But it was in the slide show. Uh-huh.
That would be more appropriate at the Eden East.
What's Eden East?
The singles' resort.
Singles' resort?
Here at the Eden West, our focus is on renewing bonds
and nurturing neglected partnerships.
And what's your focus over there?
Sex, mostly.
Freeing inhibitions.
I'm sure if we play our cards right,
we'll be having plenty of sex here on our side.
Am I wrong, gang?
I spent three years of therapy with Jennifer,
talking about our feelings and our problems,
trying to hold onto our marriage.
The last thing I want to do is talk.
Look, I think there's been a misunderstanding here.
See, we signed up for the fun stuff,
with the touchy-feely shit being optional.
Thank you.
I think it's called the Pelican Package.
Yes, the Pelican Package,
which is monsieur Marcel's signature course.
Great.
A healthy combination of couple-friendly activities,
ample down time. . . That's the one.
. . .sprinkled in with some Couples Skill Building courses,
designed to reignite the dimming flames
of even the most mismanaged relationships.
Okay, see, these relationships are not mismanaged.
Well, thank you, Dave. Yes.
Yeah. I'm just saying we're here to have some fun,
so we are excited about the couples' activities,
as well as some down time.
It's the flame-lighting thing that does not have us inspired.
That's more suited for this particular couple here.
I don't think you're quite understanding me.
Monsieur Marcel's Pelican Package
is not a fast-food restaurant wherein
you pick what you want from a menu.
Monsieur Marcel is the single most-recognized
couples whisperer in the entire world.
Couple whisperer?
He has studied psychology, yoga, tai chi,
The Art of War, and combined them to form this place, Eden.
The Mecca for couples. Mmm.
He has designed a program specifically for you.
You either partake of the entire meal or have none of it.
I think you're being a little extreme here, Mr. Belvedere.
We have a very long waiting list.
If there's been some kind of misunderstanding,
I'd be happy to refund your money, and you can go on your way.
We will, however, not be able to refund your airfare.
No, it's just that we were excited
about the sightseeing and the hiking
and the jet skiing and the snorkeling. It's. . .
Well, there are plenty of places
that provide those activities.
Perhaps this troupe might be more comfortable
at a Sandals or a Club Med.
This here is monsieur Marcel's Eden.
Now, if you're not at Couples Skill Building by 6:00 a.m. ,
I'll take that as you want your refund
and will not be completing the program.
Screw him ! Where does he get the ass to run down Sandals?
Sandals rocks.
It's just one little thing we have to do.
It'll be over in a few hours and then we have fun the rest of the day.
You know, let's just not forget why we came.
This is not what we signed up for!
This is not what we signed up for.
I don't remember ever seeing "mandatory,"
but, listen, we just go with it.
Now we're on Han's Island about to do the thing with Bruce Lee.
Guys, guys, I don't think there's any reason to overreact
right off the bat, okay?
Obviously, the meal is included,
from what he said, so let's just sit here,
we'll weigh the pros and cons from a calm place, we'll make a decision.
DAVE: That was amazing.
RONNIE: Oh, might have been the best meal I've ever had.
JASON: Well, could be a full week of those.
What are you doing? Your last course.
Dessert.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
It is so beautiful here. I can't wait to go see that waterfall.
The weather is perfect, we got huts on the water, and now I am eating art.
So we give up a little bit of our day to talk about feelings.
How bad can it really be, right?
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Welcome to Eden Resort.
I am Marcel.
Hi. Morning.
I know why you are all here.
You are here to seek the answer
to the most commonly asked question by all,
how do we make it work?
How?
I have laid out a personalized program
designed to challenge you all,
both as couples and as individuals.
If you follow diligently my program,
the answer to this question will be revealed to you,
as well as your inner animal spirit.
This I promise.
I do not, however, promise that you and your chosen partner
will have what it takes to sustain it.
Please, line up on the beach.
Take your places.
Out here?
This way. Men on one line, facing the ocean.
Women, back to the water.
Now remove your mask.
Undress!
Oh. All right.
It's a freeing exercise.
This is starting to get a little creepy now.
It'd mean a lot to me if you'd just take your pants off, all right, Dave?
Is that why you brought me here?
This is. . . What is this?
You must undress, my friend.
I'm afraid that's not an option for me today, you know, man.
It's the program.
Right. I don't have any drawers, though.
Well, Sctanley said he had this conversation with you last night.
Now, if you've chosen to stay, you've chosen to participate.
Now, if you're not wearing any drawers,
then, hey, that was meant to be.
Let it all hang out.
Explore. Explore with your eyes.
Explore your mate.
We are all made in God's image.
That means we are all perfect.
Stand with pride. Look closer. Own your bodies.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
And now, tell your partner a truth. A beautiful truth.
You look like the earth.
What?
Why are you listening to what I'm saying?
Why don't you have your own conversation?
It's hard to have my own conversation when you're telling Cynthia
that she looks like the earth.
Did you hear what I said?
Yeah. I'm not really sure I like that one.
Well, I just mean that, you know, you look bountiful. Okay?
Fruitful. Fertile.
Okay. Now this is getting uncomfortable.
Please, make a palace of solitude between you and your partner.
Why are you wearing trousers?
(CLEARS THROAT)
I explained to the guy in the dress
that I didn't have any drawers on.
Yes, but this exercise is about owning your body.
Mmm.
What is your name, dear?
Trudy.
Trudy. What a beautiful name.
Please, tell him that you love his body.
For real? Yes.
I love your body.
Really?
Of course! So powerful, so strong.
Powerful frame with layer upon layer of dormant, relaxed muscle,
waiting, like a panther, to pounce on its quivering prey.
Please, take off his pants. Yes.
I'm not ready to pounce today.
Yes.
I don't have any drawers. No. No. Right here, baby.
It's okay. It's okay. Hair!
Sorry, I'm sorry. Careful.
Here it comes. Here it comes.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
(GASPS)
Wonderful ! Stare at it! Stare at all of it.
Is his junk out?
Yep.
Is his junk literally out of his pants?
Yep.
Now it's a party.
How would you describe your relationship?
Average. Great, yeah.
Great. Average. I mean, yeah.
And, to clarify, what is an "average, great" relationship?
Well, we. . . We make it through things pretty good together.
You know, we have two great kids.
No one's called 911 in the middle of the night.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Like there's not domestic violence in the. . . The. . . Yeah.
Ronnie, when you say you "make it through things together,"
what do you mean?
Well, you know, the usual stuff. Work, kids.
I'm much less interested in "the usual stuff"
and much more interested in your particular stuff.
So, what do you make it through together, specifically?
Well, right now, specifically,
Dave is dealing with his new launch
of his video game, Guitar Hero.
He sells Guitar Hero.
And I am dealing with the renovations.
That's interesting.
What's interesting?
Why do you keep writing stuff down on your little pad there?
Oh, I'm taking notes.
Would it make you more comfortable if I didn't take notes?
Yeah, actually, it would make me more comfortable.
Thank you.
That's interesting.
So we want to make the most of our time here on the island,
so what we did was we put together a little informational packet
to bring you up to speed on our relationship.
Go ahead. That's for you.
It just contains pertinent medical data,
family histories, you know, stuff like that.
Everything but a mix tape.
How would you characterize your marriage?
Perfect.
Fantastic.
Well, let's start with something easy, then.
What's your favorite thing about your partner?
Uh. . .
She's a good mom.
He really is a great dad.
And where did you meet?
School. High school. High school. Yeah.
She was a cheerleader. I was on the football team. Fullback.
I coach now, but I used to play.
And we had. . . We actually had our daughter. . . We. . .
(STAMMERING) On prom night, we conceived Lacey
and it was a little confusing at the time, but it's been a blessing.
It's been the best thing that's ever happened to us.
It's been the best thing that ever happened to us.
We did the right thing.
How often do you have sex?
She wants me to be tougher, screw harder.
Work less, but bring home more.
I can't keep this shit straight.
All I know is, whatever I do, it's not good enough. Mmm.
(SIGHING) It's over.
Then why are you here?
This is not my wife. This is Trudy. I met her a couple weeks ago.
Can we go boogie boarding now?
And once people knew what we were going through,
I think my cortisol levels just shot up through the roof.
Because it's difficult to go through
a very private struggle publicly.
I heard what you think,
but you know what I'm really interested in
is hearing about how you feel.
Just tell her how you feel.
Well, I think if you looked at everything that. . .
No, no, no, no. Just. . . Don't explain intellectually how you feel.
You know, just tell her how you feel. In one word.
Sure.
Angry.
THERAPIST: Cynthia?
Judged.
Very good.
Yes? Progress.
Excited.
Relieved.
That is it. Yeah.
We're awesome at feelings!
Okay. Nice job today, guys.
That's all for today? Great job. That's all for today.
All right, well, great. Yeah.
How did we do? Did we do good?
I mean, are we gonna make it?
Well, you know, it's just our first session, you know.
We're not looking for an end result here. It's not a competition.
I get all that, but have you seen couples that are worse off than us?
Yeah. Or are we that far gone?
We're. . . Are you gonna put a. . . Like a numerical value on it?
You know, Doc? Like a one to 1 0?
One being worst, 1 0 being best?
No, hang on one second. Where would you put us?
Right where you are, sir.
What if someone put a gun to your head right now and said,
"You have to answer this second or I'll shoot.
"Are they gonna make it?" What do you say?
What would you say?
Whoa! Okay, no one has a gun to my head, Mr. Smith.
It's hypothetical.
It's not a place for inappropriate behavior.
And you definitely don't pull a hypothetical gun on your therapist.
(SOFTLY) Sorry.
It's okay.
Let's clear the karma. Okay?
I'll holster this.
See, you know, I work 1 0 hours a day,
so by the time I come home, I'm exhausted.
It's not that I don't want to answer questions about the house renovation.
I really just don't want to answer questions about anything.
But, you know, you may just be shutting your mind off,
but it can feel like you're shutting your partner off as well.
Again, that's a caution area.
And just as a point of interest,
when you speak that way, David,
you're really de-prioritizing your teammate.
Excuse me?
It's called "crossing emotional boundaries."
Or, more commonly, "bulldozing." And it's ugly.
Ronnie, when you spoke earlier of. . .
Let me just find it in my notes here.
(CHUCKLING)
There it is. You said, "We make it through things well together."
That doesn't sound very fun.
You don't want to look back and say, "I made it through my life."
We want to enjoy our projects, enjoy our work week.
We want to enjoy our lives, celebrate our lives.
And all this talk about my project
and his work, and my this and his that,
and mine and his, and mine and. . . It's. . .
Where's us in all that?
Where is our journey? I don't hear it.
And it's because it's not there.
Listen. I'm not saying that there's not
some really stressful times sometimes,
because there is, but it works for us.
Does it?
I don't know.
Oh, gosh, I don't know, you guys.
There's no "us." There's no "we."
You two could be perfect strangers.
I think the one thing that we can agree on, today,
is that you guys should be doing a lot better than just "works."
Pretty sure that's why you're here.
Oh. That's it. Great. Great job, everybody. Thank you.
(SIGHS)
Lucy?
Good day, sir. I got room service for you. I'm very sorry.
I didn't order that.
I think your wife, she called me for you.
I'm. . .
This is just. . . Because I got a sunburn,
'cause it was. . . The sun was very strong today.
Yeah. I know. This is good for sunburns, right?
No. Okay.
It's good, yeah?
It's good for sunburn?
Okay, so I don't see anything.
See what? There's nothing to see.
Yeah, yeah, no, no, no. It works great.
Okay, I move now. No. That was. . . That was. . .
There's nothing to move. I. . . I was. . . I had a sunburn.
Good night, sir.
Now we will enjoy looking at the fish !
See and take in with your eyes
all the beauty the ocean has to offer!
As these new things come at you,
you may not have seen them before,
but be open to them and find the beauty within.
Hey, buddy. Yep.
Thanks a lot for bringing me to Problem Island.
What are we gonna do for an encore?
Talk about all the people that we slept with before we were married
and really stir shit up?
What the hell are you talking about?
The therapist is trying to create a problem
in my marriage that doesn't exist!
Maybe he's not creating them, maybe he's just noticing them.
Okay, you know what? Don't start with me.
I'm serious. I don't need it. These are the best in the world
at what they do, all right?
If Jeff Gordon told you that your oil was low,
you might want to think about changing it.
From the bucket, feed them !
My therapist is kind of pushy.
Really? Yeah.
God, I like ours.
Yeah, he said that Dave and I take each other for granted.
That, you know, our relationship has become more like a job.
How do you mean?
For example, he says that Dave is de-prioritizing me,
that he doesn't pay attention to what I actually want.
Yeah, but, honey, that's just Dave being Dave, you know?
Yeah.
But so then, what if Dave being Dave is sort of like
Dave bulldozing me?
Please continue to look at the fish !
Enjoy them as they come at you !
I get it, dude, it's advanced snorkeling.
Dave. . . Hey, I'm trying to do this exercise!
Why don't we talk about this during down time, okay?
This might be what the therapist is referring to.
You're missing out on life.
It's happening right now, out here, all around us, all right?
And you're too busy complaining about your problems
to enjoy all these beautiful little fish that are. . .
Marcel !
Yes?
Marcel, we have a real problem here!
It is not a problem ! It is a circle of life!
The circle of life is circling our lives right now!
Do not move, do not panic.
Shark! What?
Shark! Jason !
Okay, it's all happening, Marcel !
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. . .
MARCEL: Don't worry! Wait!
These are only lemon sharks!
This is all part of the course.
It is like life. Like in relationships.
They will not attack unless they feel attacked !
Marcel, I need you to take the French out of your mouth
and tell me what to do!
Don't let them see your fear.
Okay, I think we just hold tight, we play it cool,
we don't make a move.
What was that? What?
What was that? Jason, stop. . .
He said not to panic! He said not to panic!
I'm sitting in blood ! I'm sitting in blood !
Marcel, this isn't a drill, buddy!
You got real sharks here! It's time to get the guns,
and it's time to shoot some fish !
Here on Eden, there are no guns!
You got an American life at stake.
One life is not more important than another.
What do I do?
My friends and my wife left me to die.
You must get out of the chum, but slowly.
Okay.
Swim slowly out of the chum !
RONNIE: Slowly. Slowly. Yes, yes.
Slowly, baby! Stop!
I don't know what to do.
I don't know if I'm standing still or I'm swimming.
Swim now! Stop!
They're torturing me! They're playing with me!
They're slow-playing me! Shoot them !
Swim slowly.
Swim, swim, swim.
Save yourselves! Go to shore! It's too late!
They've got me! It's only a matter of time!
There's no sharks around you, honey. You're safe now, baby.
I don't know what's going through my mind ! I'd love some ice cream.
What? I'd love some ice cream,
with maybe some pecans in it!
Couples' massage is part of your program and so important.
It gives you the chance to bond, relax, reconnect.
We prefer to bond on our own.
Okay, would you prefer male or female therapists?
What would you recommend more for like a nurturing, pampering, motherly energy?
Would that be a man or a woman, do you think?
A woman.
Well, I'm just so tight in my shoulders. Do you have any. . .
Let me see.
We do have a male masseur available, madam.
Daddy, I can't wait to get my drink on tonight!
Damn ! Is this whole thing uphill? Where's the downhill part?
We gonna get our groove on tonight. Right, Daddy?
Of course, baby. You know how we do it.
Well, hello.
Hi.
Lucy.
Yes.
Excellent.
Who are you?
I am Xavier and I will be your man-seur for today.
Xavier?
Yes.
Mmm.
Twenty, 30, 40, 50. . .
(GREETING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Hi.
Joey.
Yes.
What's your name?
Gert.
What a beautiful name.
Well, thank you.
Do you mind if I heat up the lotion?
No. Heat that lotion up.
The hotter the better.
What kind of massage do you want? You left it blank.
Korean?
Korean? I am not familiar with Korean.
Dealer's choice. Whatever releases the most tension.
Mmm.
Oh, that feels so good.
Thank you.
I can't tell you how much I need this. It has been a long time.
Oh, I love pleasuring people.
So do I.
I mean, it's not my job,
but it is a job that I love doing, if you know what I mean.
I know exactly what you mean.
So, Joey, do you have any problem areas?
I hold a lot of tension in my upper thighs.
We'll get to your upper thighs.
It's just the top of my quads.
As a matter of fact, if you want to do, like,
the full 80 minutes on the thighs, I'm good.
Whatever you want.
Oh, I need this. You have no idea.
Oh, you got great hands.
Okay, Joey, what I want you to do for me is just close your eyes.
Quiet that mind, okay?
Just listen to my voice.
Feel the sound slide down my throat
and come out through my mouth.
(SOFTLY) Down my throat, come out through my mouth.
Down my throat. . .
Keep. . . Keep going, keep going.
Sir, I'm so sorry.
No, no, no. Don't be sorry. You shouldn't be sorry.
No, I aroused you.
You should be proud.
This hasn't happened to me in a long time.
Are you attempting to have a manual stimulation from me, sir?
Am I. . .
I am here on a couples retreat with my wife in the other room.
My husband Scott is just like a cat.
Scott?
My husband.
I'm trying to save my marriage here. Look what you did to me.
Well, that wasn't my intention, sir.
It wasn't mine, either, and now I'm humiliated.
Well, I'm sorry.
You told me not to think.
Well, when I don't think, this is what happens.
You can't leave me all backed up like this.
What do you want me to do, sir?
I don't know. We got to figure out a solution.
You know, let's not take anything off the table.
Let's start brainstorming. We're both in a maze together, okay?
How do we get the cheese?
I'm sorry, sir, but that is not gonna have a happy ending.
Give me the oil.
Go grab a smoke.
(WHOOPING) Daddy, this is awesome!
Yo, they should put me up in a video on this bitch !
(SINGING) Don't go chasing waterfalls
Stick me in the ocean I'm gonna make it look real good
You go, girl.
(DRUMS BEATING)
Daddy's got to ice his knee, baby, okay?
If you just let me recharge my battery,
I promise, this'll be more for you later, okay?
Technically, I was bit by a shark.
Were you bit or were you nipped?
I mean, if you had been bit,
you probably would have lost a great deal of blood and. . .
What difference does it make to you two, anyway,
what you would call it?
It hurt. And I had shark teeth penetrate my skin.
And besides, Jason, it's your fault that it happened.
The only reason I got bit in the first place
is because you did the worst thing
you could possibly do in that situation.
You panicked and you threw a bucket of chum in my face.
I did the prudent thing and I got the hell out of the water.
There were sharks in there, David. What was I supposed to do?
You know what? Remember it however you want to
and I'll remember it how it actually happened.
Dave. I mean, really, did they penetrate your skin?
Do you really need that bandage?
Lucy, I don't know what to tell you, okay?
You tell me if I need the bandage.
It looks like you scraped yourself on the ladder,
maybe, on the way out.
I'm sorry?
Did you get out of the water abruptly?
Hey, I don't know how to explain it to you. Maybe I have tough skin.
Perhaps lemon sharks don't leave that bad of a mark.
Maybe they're pack animals
and they're marking me for later. I don't know.
Dave, I was in a car accident once, okay?
And it was really scary, I had nightmares. But when. . .
I've been in a car accident, too.
Have you ever been bit by a shark?
I was never bit by a shark. I'm just saying that I understand. My. . .
Say it again. I was in a car accident.
No, say the last part.
I was never bit by a shark.
That's it! Then you shouldn't talk about it.
And I'm not gonna sit here and try to explain myself
to a bunch of black and white suburban trash
who don't know a damn thing about the ocean.
And you understand the ocean, honey?
I have some real field experience, honey, yeah.
I had a shark attack.
I'm part of a very elite group.
Like people who have been struck by lightning.
Not everyone can say that they've had that
and maybe that's what's going on here today.
You know what? I don't want to get in an argument with it.
I really don't. You know what?
I'm really exhausted. It's been a long day.
I'm gonna go back to the room. You want to come with me?
Baby, I thought we were gonna go to the waterfall tonight
and have a little alone time.
Sweetheart, I'm a shark attack survivor.
(SIGHS)
I'm fried.
Honey, I think the fear was a lot worse than the actual attack,
which I can totally appreciate,
but the good news is you weren't hurt,
so let's not ruin the evening over it.
I'm sorry?
Honey, you weren't hurt.
Good night.
Dave! Where you going?
Dave. Come on, okay, you got bit by the shark.
You got bit, I believe you !
We're here all the time, so let's take that opportunity to go to bed.
Honey, we'll go to the waterfall with you.
We'll grab our drinks and go.
Yeah. We could all go together. It'll be beautiful.
Hon? I was thinking that maybe
we might go back to the room, huh?
Bolt the door, draw the shades, huh?
Just shut the whole world out
and sit Indian-style and really explore our feelings.
(SNORING)
Daddy! Wake up!
It's too deep!
Yo, you having a nightmare. You ain't even in the water. It's nighttime.
Look, you said we was gonna have fun, so let's get up, let's dance,
let's do a shot, let's do something. Anything.
Baby, let's just go back to the room, all right?
I don't want to go back to the room. I don't want to go to sleep.
We're not going to sleep.
We're not?
Mmm-mmm.
What we gonna do in there?
(EXCLAIMS)
For real?
So how was your night?
My husband found himself in a very traumatic shark situation.
Here we go.
As we were planning to go to the waterfall and have a romantic evening,
because, as you know, we don't do that very often
because of the kids and work. . .
But somehow, this crazy, traumatic shark experience
was enough to make him neglect his wife.
Ronnie, nice to meet you. Well said.
David, how did that make you feel?
I know my truth.
Excuse me? I know my truth.
Did you say, "I know my truth"?
Oh, boy.
Listen, I'm telling you, you getting on my last nerve!
Yo, I didn't sign up for this!
Yo, you said we was gonna be dancing.
You said we was gonna be partying.
You said we was gonna be doing what we do.
You made promises, Daddy.
Boo-Boo, look, they got me doing a lot of activities.
What do you expect from me?
I'm tired.
You tired? Yo, I'm tired.
Plain and simple, I ain't having it.
Sometimes we forget how to do the easiest thing in the world,
which is just to talk to each other.
Okay, let's start here. Lucy, you go first.
I want you to look at Joey and say hi.
And Joey, after you've heard that,
I want you to look back at Lucy and say hello in return.
And then we'll just see where it goes from there, okay?
Hi.
Hello.
You kept saying "open" and "fruitful" and other weird stuff.
That's not feeling, it's just more talking in short half-sentences,
and you managed to turn feeling into a job or an activity,
and it was exhausting.
So now it's my fault that you don't feel satisfied !
Everything is my fault? Is that what you're saying?
I'm not saying that! I'm crazy? You don't look at me!
You don't ever ask me how I am ! I work!
You haven't looked at me in 1 0 years!
I'm crazy and everything is my fault,
and my family is awful, and nothing at all is your fault!
'Cause you rock, Joey!
If a guy talked to me like that, I'd punch him in the face.
(EXCLAIMING) You're such an asshole!
You're an asshole!
It's like a little kid who gets a puppy for the first time,
just hugs it so much, snaps its neck.
Cynthia's your puppy.
It's puppy-cradle death syndrome.
All that love is gonna snap that puppy.
JASON: Yeah, but. . . You don't want that!
(MIMICS DOG YELPING)
The dawning of a new day.
A marriage is not a timeless agreement.
It is one day. And each day, it begins anew.
Moments. Life is made of them,
much the same as a great mosaic.
A thousand little pieces that make one great image.
But the most important thing in life is. . .
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
And today, we open the door to breath
with a shared yoga group experience.
Our instructor, Salvadore, is running late.
So I will touch on tomorrow.
It is very important that you are here before sunrise,
as well as not eat or drink anything too late tonight.
As you pursue knowledge,
as well as your own individual animal spirits,
it is very important that you strictly follow your programs.
Failure to do so will definitely take you off your path
and lead you away from the answers you seek.
I'm sorry, monsieur Marcel.
Why is it so important for us to be on time tomorrow
when Pablo, the yoga guy, is running late today?
Quiet, please.
The yoga teacher's punctuality is not your concern.
You are to be here before sunrise.
Why is it so important for us to be here on time tomorrow? I'm not understanding.
Why can't we eat or drink tomorrow?
What, is he gonna probe us?
Who is that?
Oh, my.
Damn !
I guess that's the yoga guy.
This just gets better and better.
Well, hello. I am so sorry I'm late.
I just swam from the other side of the island.
Please, allow me to put on something more proper before we can begin.
Thank God.
There we go. Much better.
Now, who is ready for their yoga?
My name's Jason. Jason.
Pleasure, hi. Nice.
Cynthia. Hi. Can't wait.
Hello, Cynthia.
Yes, we have a brave peacock. Use that. Yes.
Yes. Hi, you must be Veronica. Hi.
Yeah, how did you know?
Why, I have read that you have studied the yoga for five years.
Oh, well, I mean, just off and on, you know, before the kids came.
Nonsense. You know, there is such thing called the muscle memory?
And I could tell by looking at your gait, your muscles remember.
Thank you. Yes.
Okay, we are going to do the children's position.
What's that?
SALVADORE: Head down, buttocks up.
Everybody on your mats.
Yeah, that's good. That's good. Very nice posture. Yes.
Encouragement.
So I will transfer you my energy. I will transfer my karma.
Here is my karma on you.
Jason !
You have a great aura. Yes.
Jason ! Encouragement!
Yes! This is a great way to stretch.
Yep. You see?
You could do this with your partner at home.
Sure. Let's ride this energy out!
Keep your chin up. Yep.
Yes, this fire has just started. And we will not put it out.
What is he doing?
I don't really know that pose.
Okay, now we go into the happy baby pose.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Please regard me.
I'm sorry? Please, allow me.
To do what? Regard me.
Okay. Yes.
RONNIE: Okay.
You are doing fantastic, my dear.
Thank you. Okay.
See as I gently pulsate.
(MOANING) Okay. . .
Trying to go deeper and deeper,
and bring her deeper and deeper into a stretch, yes?
Okay, Fabio, that's enough of the pulsating. Please.
Then do it! Yes! Encouragement, my friend.
Yes, fantastic progress. Yes, put your shoulders back.
Yes. Now feel the energy. Feel that energy. Yes.
Through your chest. Your peacock chest. Yes.
Good ! You like that? Yes. Good job.
Encouragement. Yes. Great job.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
There, you need to find your mental equilibrity.
Not on my knees, man, that hurts.
It's okay, it's okay.
Know your limits, yes?
There is no giving up in yoga, you know? Encouragement, yes!
Encouragement my ass, Daddy! You ain't even trying !
Look, yoga's not my strong suit.
Yoga's not your strong suit?
Oh, look at this one. This little one is flexible.
She's good. She's really good.
Ooh, fantastic.
So you do like the lizard.
Now is when we transfer the energy, you see?
Yep. And you just lay everything on top of her?
Yes. Lay it on. Stretch.
JASON: That feels pretty good, hon?
(EXCLAIMING)
What?
(EXCLAIMS)
Am I straight enough here, do you think? Or am I curving a little?
Let me show you.
You feel the transfer of the energy.
Well, it feels solid.
It is tantric energy. Yeah.
It is karma. Yes.
Okay, now I want all my girls in a downward dog position.
Yes, this pose contains a tantric hip thrust.
Now you and I will try this.
You got a pose called "Yoga Guy Gets His Ass Kicked"?
'Cause that's my favorite one.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I feel your anger, yes!
Yes, I got your blood pumping, yes? No? Now use it! Harness it!
Hmm. Boom !
Everybody into the children's pose!
Heads down. Okay.
Close your eyes. Yes?
Yes, good. Let's breathe.
Excuse me, Salvadore? I feel like my sacrum is really tight.
Could you just help me stretch it out a little?
Yes, of course, I will play the role of your husband.
Great.
Boom, boom. . .
Boom.
The rain room has fire. I did not see that coming.
I was getting centered. I was enjoying the island.
What if Joey had seen?
Lucy, it was really inappropriate.
Well, I didn't know that you were so concerned about how Joey felt.
What's that supposed to mean?
Let's drop it.
All I'm saying is that it was pretty uncomfortable.
Well, then why were you staring?
It was hard to miss.
Trust me, Salvadore is the least of our problems.
It's freezing in here. Why would they make a room like this?
You should have seen my masseuse. She was so hot.
You're supposed to be relaxing out here.
Why do you think I wanted to get a full release?
You know what? I don't even want to get into this with you.
Into what?
I don't want to get into this conversation with you.
Why is that?
Because I don't want to be put in a position where I'd have to lie.
Why are you getting all high and mighty on me?
No, I'm not so high and mighty. Joey, I'm not judging you,
I'm just not asking anything because
I don't want. . . I don't want to know.
Because that way, if someone asks me. . .
You won't have to rat me out.
I would never rat you out. Of course I wouldn't rat you out.
Right, right. But this way, I don't have to
make that decision because I really don't know.
All right, let me ask you something, then.
Could you honestly say that after seven years together,
that you get turned on by the same woman?
I do.
Without going to the highlight reel.
You're playing a verbal shell game.
I. . . You have to make your own decisions.
I'm just saying I don't want to know.
I'm saying, if you're. . . When you're sleeping with her,
if you're hitting up some fan favorites,
I think you're cheating on some level.
You might not be acting on it, but you're fantasizing.
You know what? I don't know what journey you're on,
but I. . . I can't take this trip with you.
But if I told you, as a friend. . .
I came up to you, I said, "Hey, Dave, I'm attracted to men."
I was thinking about their bodies and things, but I didn't act on it
because I'm straight and I was being very strong,
would you consider me straight or gay?
If I desired a man.
If I was thinking about a man's body,
like how the light reflects off of his sweaty back. . .
(DOOR BANGS)
Am I interrupting something? No.
We're great. Have a seat. Want to sit down?
Enjoy this. Enjoy it.
No, I'm good here. Thank you.
If I was sleeping with my wife
and thinking about, like, a dude's wet mouth. . .
Snow and steam, huh? Is this place outstanding?
Okay, Jason, let me ask you a question here.
Is the highlight reel considered cheating?
The highlight reel? No.
I'm just saying everybody cheats and everybody lies,
and whether they act upon it or not is a secondary conversation.
So you're saying that you can't tell
the difference between the highlight reel. . .
I can tell the difference.
. . .and physically, really cheating on somebody?
Don't say it to me like I can't tell the difference.
Well, that's what you're saying !
You're saying that they're related,
then they're somehow in the same family.
No, no. I'm saying you own a Jack Russell, I own a Bull Terrier.
They're both dogs. They're both terriers.
Mine's just a little more aggressive than yours.
I own a zebra, you own a goat.
What the hell's that have to do with cheating on your wife?
Right, they're both animals.
Are you out of your mind? How would you feel if your wife cheated?
Guys? Listen to me. Trudy's gone.
What? What do you mean?
What? I went to the room
and all her stuff was gone.
Where do. . . Where do you think she went? Like she. . .
SHANE: I don't know. We had a argument at therapy.
She said she was sick of my senior citizen bullshit.
I've been trying to keep up with her, but I'm a old ass!
Shane, honey, it's not your fault.
No, it's bullshit. It is my fault. I should have worked harder.
Now she's gone!
She's not gone. I know where she is.
Sit down.
How do you know where she is?
Now use your head.
She's a young girl. She wants to party. She wants to get wild.
Too late to leave the island. Where is she?
Where's the only place she could go?
Eden East, the singles' side.
We gotta go get her.
You're damn right we do! And I'm going with you !
I am not letting you go alone!
I don't care if I have to go there all night!
To find Trudy. We're gonna go find Trudy for him !
We can't even go to that side, all right?
And it's gonna get very dark, very soon. Plus we have to be in bed. . .
What are you talking about?
Listen to me.
We have to be to bed at a very reasonable hour tonight
because we cannot miss the sunrise in the morning.
Now, Marcel said if we miss that sunrise,
we will not be completing our course.
We are here for the course, all right? DAVE: Yes.
And stop eating and drinking, as well.
Honey, our friend is asking for our help.
She's 20 years old, for God's sake.
She's probably with a bunch of dudes, like, sweating,
drinking and dancing it out of her system. What's the problem?
Let her spend the night on Hump Island !
I promise, she's gonna come back here first thing in the morning !
Dave, firstly. . .
I don't want her to spend a night on Hump Island.
No, I. . . I'm just trying to say
it's not like she's kidnapped or something.
Now she's dead, Dave? Huh?
Now she's dead? She's dead, now? She's not dead.
She's dead on Hump Island !
I'm just trying to put it in perspective for you !
You know what? I don't even know why I'm blowing up at you,
because it. . . It's. . . Once again, it's my fault.
This is a Shane thing. I've been dealing with this all my life.
First Jennifer, and now Trudy.
We're gonna find her, okay? I got a plan.
I know how to get there.
You do?
Yeah, I do.
I just can't tell you now 'cause we got Mr. Belvedere clocking us.
Now everybody take it real casual.
Just drink your drinks and smile.
So we just make it all nice.
Everything's easy, fun, we're drinking, we're smiling.
Okay? We can't leave till sundown.
Guys, we all need to be together first thing in the morning, okay?
Which is exactly why we have to find Trudy.
Otherwise, we won't all be there.
Let's get out of here now. Reconvene later at the beach, at 1 900 hours.
You with me?
Joey, we are not gonna be able to finish the program if we get caught!
All right, bring it in.
Hey, come on, Shane!
We walk to the other side, we get caught.
This way, we canoe out nice and easy,
we find ourselves a nice, quiet beach.
We pull up. We find the singles' side,
we find a dance floor, we find some cocktails.
And we find Trudy and we bring her back. . .
Yeah, we find Trudy and we bring her right back here.
This is crazy.
Trust me. I was an Eagle Scout.
My mind is a compass. I can handle these situations.
I've been trained to do so.
Now follow me and I'm gonna get you there,
but we gotta do it quick and we gotta do it quiet.
Come on.
These are not the best laid plans, okay?
I'm just gonna go on record right now, okay?
I do not think this has a high chance. . .
If we keep up this pace, we'll be there in 20 minutes!
I hope so!
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
What was that?
Great! Awesome!
What do we do?
No!
Jason ! Cynthia!
RONNIE: Cynthia!
Grab the oar!
Are you okay?
You all right?
Yeah.
We gotta go to shore!
Cynthia, we're out of synch again.
You know, you gotta paddle on the opposite side of the boat!
Well, Jason, I can't see which side you're paddling on !
Well, turn around and take a look every once in a while.
Otherwise, we are gonna capsize again. You get that, right?
It was an accident.
I'll bet it could have been avoided.
Right? Am I right? Baby, I need you to paddle.
Cynthia, paddle the boat, please!
You know what?
Sit down. You've got to sit down in the boat!
Cynthia! Cynthia!
Cynthia!
What are you doing?
Cynthia! Cynthia! Hey! Cynthia!
Thank God. Thank God that is over!
I mean, who jumps out of the canoe?
You could have really hurt yourself out there!
Put these on. Cynthia? Jason, I have had it!
I can't do everything exactly the way you want!
I can't control the ocean and row the boat and stop the waves!
Calm down !
And I can't do anything about the fact that I can't get pregnant!
This is nuts.
No, it's me.
And I just really need some time right now.
Please stop following me, 'cause I need to be away from you.
Come on. What are you doing? Hey, hey, where you going? That's a jungle!
You know what? I'm gonna go check on her, okay?
Great, thank you.
Yeah, you guys go ahead.
I'm gonna make sure she's okay.
Honey, I don't think it's a good idea
that everyone separates right now.
I really don't think we have a choice.
Let me just go talk to her.
No, Jason, she really needs a minute, okay?
All right, go ahead. I gotta go.
Baby! You guys go ahead !
We'll meet you guys there!
So, what are we gonna do about Trudy?
What are we gonna do about Cynthia,
who just disappeared into the jungle?
Jason, she's upset. Let her cool down. You'll talk to her later.
We still gotta get Trudy to do all the Marcel stuff, anyway, all right?
So let's just get her ass and let's get back home.
Cyn, please, slow down, honey. I think we're almost there.
I think we might have taken a wrong turn.
Really? Yeah.
Wow.
Finally made it to the waterfall.
I think my marriage is over.
What?
Honey, don't say that. You're just exhausted.
I am. I'm so tired of him trying to steer everything in the direction
that he thinks is right all the time.
Listen. Don't make any decisions right now.
You guys just need to take a breather.
Get a little bit of space, you know?
You'll be okay. You know?
You guys have been on top of each other ever since we got here.
No, that's the. . . Actually, the one thing that we haven't done.
We haven't had sex since we've been here.
We've barely even touched each other.
Now, Cynthia and I are in a terrible spot.
I come to this island, I come to the program to get some answers,
find out my animal spirit. . . Yeah.
Let me help you out on the whole animal spirit thing.
It's gonna be awesome! It always is.
It's like if you go to a tarot card reader for past lives,
you're always something cool. . . Dave. . .
. . .like a king or a gunfighter.
No one ever finds out that they were,
like, a shopkeeper or an asshole.
JASON: Is this hilarious to you? 'Cause it's not to me.
Tell you what. If I get kicked off this island, I'm gonna blame all of you.
And I can't believe I let the two of you derail me!
We derailed you? That's correct.
If you kept a closer eye on Trudy,
she wouldn't have strayed so far from the pack, all right?
She's not a dog, Jason. Yeah? Well, listen,
she's been very selfish, hasn't been a very good teammate.
I can tell you that. No, no, no, no, no.
Look, I made promises, I let her down.
You don't know the ins and outs of our relationship.
Is that what it is? It's a relationship? It's been two weeks, okay?
All right? That's not a relationship.
It's more like an antibiotic cycle, all right?
She should be very happy that she's even here.
You're a good guy. You brought her to this island.
She shouldn't be running off.
She should be doing everything that she can,
bending over backwards to make you happy.
Don't blame this on Shane. You brought this on yourself.
I don't need to hear it from you, okay?
It's half your fault. Half his fault,
half Trudy's fault, half your fault.
Me? Yeah, with the whole canoe scheme?
All right? You put me and my wife in a very extreme situation,
put tension on the relationship.
Your wife left you because you were suffocating her.
And now you're suffocating me!
And you're suffocating Shane, too!
Yeah, don't suffocate me, man.
A grown woman literally jumped into shark-infested waters
and did a distance swim that she had no way to train for
instead of staying in a dry canoe with you.
Look in the mirror.
Okay, Joseph Cecil Tanzini,
with a monsoon of respect, I don't think you're in a position
to be telling anyone to look in the mirror
when it comes to relationships.
You're not Mr. "I Try So Hard At My Relationship," okay?
So let's go, glass house.
Me, glass house?
You, glass house! You're the glass house!
Talk to me about relationships.
You got a woman who adores you.
She'd do anything for you.
You have a real partner in life,
and what does she want from you?
"Take me to the waterfall." But, no, you can't take her
because you had some over-stimulated snorkeling experience.
Do you think when your marriage is over
that you're gonna find somebody
that just caters to you, no matter what?
That you're not gonna have to work at it?
That's gonna be, like, psyched to go to Applebee's with you every Friday night
and hear the same football stories
about how you rocked in high school?
I did rock in high school football. You want to check tape?
But whoever that person is, you have to listen to their stories, too,
or they're not gonna go to Applebee's with you.
You're not gonna have someone to go to Applebee's with.
You'll be sitting by yourself, eventually, at Applebee's, all alone.
And who wants to go to Applebee's by themselves?
You know what? If anyone should be mad here, guys,
it should be me.
I am having a real fight with my wife, okay? And it's not a fun feeling.
Look it. I'm talking in circles. I'm on an island.
I'm getting island fever now. I'm starting to lose my mind.
This is an early sign of things to come.
And what we need to do now is get focused and stop pointing fingers.
You're a problem. You're a real, real problem.
Is that Salvadore?
Does this guy think he's a mermaid? What is his deal?
Oh. Please, excuse my nudity.
I was expecting no company.
Allow me to put something on.
I would have asked you to join me,
but the water is a little chilly.
But perhaps this will warm up the evening.
And what is that?
It's an island rum, infused with the essence of the coconut fruit.
Delicious.
Yes? You like? Very much.
Yes.
That's yummy.
It is yummy.
It's yummy, yummy, yummy, isn't it?
CYNTHIA: Mmm. Yes.
Oh, oh. . .
Slow down there, killer.
You see, this island has so many healing curiosities.
You know, it is good to have a drink and have a good time.
Then do it!
Well, I guess we just go around, huh?
No, we gotta go through. The path ends.
We go off the path, we get lost. Come on.
No, hey, we'll make a new path.
What if there's people in there? Joey!
(EXCLAIMING)
Be careful, sweetie.
Ronnie, I'm Cynthia. I'm always careful !
Yes!
Okay.
SHANE: Get in there. You're leaving fingerprints!
I don't know what you're doing. . .
(WHISPERING) Get away from the door.
(SINGING) Jessie is a friend
Yeah, I know he's been A good friend of mine
But lately something's changed That ain't hard to define
Jessie's got himself a girl And I want to make her mine
And she's watching him with those eyes
And she's loving him with that body I just know it
And he's holding her in his arms late Late at night
You know...
Hey! What are you doing here?
Private staff quarters are strictly off limits to hotel guests!
I'm so sorry that we are disturbing your fortress of solitude here.
I'm going to have to ask you to leave The Ponderosa immediately.
Well, that's a shame, because the place is so inviting.
When does Hoss and Little Joe show up?
Dave.
You gentlemen have broken into The Ponderosa
and have broken the rules of this island.
And, unfortunately, I don't think you're gonna like the consequences.
I'm gonna call monsieur Marcel.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Sctanley,
there's been a big misunderstanding.
Some of us don't necessarily want to be here.
I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but you've broken the rules
and there are consequences.
Yes, could you get Marcel for me, please?
Yes, I know he's asleep, but wake him. This is important. I'll hold.
What a shocker that this went bad. Thank you.
Came here for answers and now I'm not gonna get them !
Great.
Great leading, Joey. Me?
Yeah, you.
I thought monsieur Marcel felt that technology was a distraction.
For the guests, yeah.
You seem pretty good at that game.
He's the best on the whole island.
It's a pretty small island.
Doesn't look like it's all that hard.
Looks like all you gotta do is push these big buttons
and play along with the song here. Am I right?
Something like that.
You know what'd be a gas, Sctanley? For me and you to play.
And when I win,
you could point me towards the singles' side and forget you ever saw us.
When you beat me?
(CHUCKLES)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
When I win, what will you give me?
Maybe just this.
$1 ,000. A cool G, as we call it back home.
Are you at liberty to play for that, Sctanley?
Or would you prefer to play for smiles?
Monsieur Marcel, I'm sorry to have woken you.
I thought there was an emergency, but I was mistaken.
I do apologize.
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
I play at expert level.
You take this kind of serious.
That's a big screen.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
You've played this before.
Maybe just a couple times, Sctanley.
All right, Sctanley, let's have some fun.
Come on, Sctanley, get him !
Don't let him get in your head.
Don't let him get in your head, Dave.
I know a place you will like.
Really? Yes. You will love it.
What kind of place?
Like a place that has dancing?
There is everything. Everything?
Oh, my God, you guys, I want to go dancing !
You want to go? Yes, please, regard me.
Follow me. Oh, my God, yeah, I want to go!
It'll be a girls' night!
Okay, but, honey, honey, honey. . . Oh, my God.
RONNIE: You should just slow down here for a second maybe?
That's exactly what I need !
It's the second guitar solo that sorts the men from the boys.
I was kind of counting on that, Sctan. Joey?
Yeah?
I think it's time to show the donkey the snake.
Cut his head, cut his head, cut his head !
SHANE: Go, go, go!
JOEY: Dave! Dave! Cut his head !
JASON: Big finish.
Star power! Star power! Yes!
Sctanley, no!
Yeah !
You hustled me.
Yes, I did.
For that, I'm sorry. You see, I sell video games, Sctanley.
And this one here, in particular, in fact.
And I'm proud to stand here before you
and tell you it brings me as much happiness
as it does for the people I provide them to.
And we had a bet, and I know that you're a man of your word.
Forget that you saw me and my friends
and point me in the direction that I seek.
I cannot confirm or deny that the one that you seek is on the singles' side.
But a bet is a bet. And I will tell you how to get there.
The beach is blocked by rocks. It's completely impassible.
No more boats for me and my friends. I go by foot.
I would be remiss if I did not advise you to wait until daylight.
Do not take this journey lightly.
Hmm.
There is an old game path through the forest,
just beyond the abandoned Starbucks.
Take it to where it forks. Jog to the right. Do not go to the left.
You will see lights. You don't want to go there.
Keep walking.
Look up and locate the belt of Orion the Hunter.
I think we should be writing this down.
I think Dave's got it.
The stars shall be your guide.
As long as we're headed east, that's the direction we're supposed to be going.
JOEY: I'm looking for the Little Dipper.
If I could find the Little Dipper, I could find the North Star.
Shane, help me find the Little Dipper.
What do I look like, Harriet Tubman?
Fine! I'll do it by myself, okay?
You guys are no help! Just. . . Just. . .
(PEOPLE WHOOPING)
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)
DJ: (OVER SPEAKER) Welcome to Hump Island!
It's time to feast here in the belly of the beast here at Eden East!
Now can you feel it? Come on!
Man, we are about to get this party started right!
You guys ready?
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Bingo!
Hey, yo, check it out, y'all!
A luau fire and drum show is coming up real soon!
Some of the best drummers in the whole world.
Don't forget to check it out!
This place is out of control.
What could she be possibly getting into over here, man?
Come on, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
For all we know, she could be sitting
in a corner sulking somewhere.
Hey, we can do this. We get in, we get out, we're back before sunrise.
I know. . . I know that girl. San Diego!
I know that girl. I'm gonna go see
if I can get some answers out of her.
What are you talking about? I'm trying to find Trudy!
Talking to locals is the best way to get information !
You guys should be doing it, too.
That's a great idea. We split up.
That way, we find her twice as fast. Shane, with me.
We shouldn't split up, we should stay together.
Listen, Dave, time is of the essence, okay,
and if we don't find her, here's what else.
We meet back at the exit in, like, an hour, okay? Come on.
Let's go. Jason, there's a ton of people here.
If we split up, we're gonna. . . Stay with Joey.
This place rocks.
What are you doing?
What am I doing? I'm trying to have a good time.
I'm trying to have a party going on. Hi.
Hi.
We gotta find Trudy. I don't want to get into this.
Come on, buddy.
What, are you dying to be part of the new singles scene?
Look at all these people. They're running around, they're. . .
They're sexting, they're krumping, they're twatting each other
'cause their day's so special they have to share it with the world.
It's called tweeting. I call it twatting !
Look, Joey, we were single. We had our fun.
We're not missing out on anything.
No, you were single, you had fun.
I got married early, so I never got to experience this.
I have a feeling you had a chance to experience lots of things.
But, look, if you want to go play "Guess Your Disease"
or "Let Me Translate Your Tribal Tattoo," knock yourself out.
You don't get it. I'm here trapped on an island with a woman
who can't even stand the sight of me.
And whose fault is that? It's not my fault!
Dude, relationships are a two-way street,
not a highway and a bike path.
If it matters to you, work at it.
And if it doesn't, then don't!
But make a decision.
I want to be married
'cause I want to have people I can share my life with.
I don't wanna be doing this. I know what I want.
I want it. . . Look. Hey, Dave, it's not 'cause I don't want it, okay?
You make the best of your situation ! My situation's to party!
Yeah !
Yeah, definitely.
San Diego!
Remember me? Where have you been?
Where have I been? I've been trying to get here!
Look, we'll never be able to find her.
If. . . If I walk over there, she's gonna walk over here.
If I'm on this side, she's probably gonna be on that side!
All right, panic king’s not gonna help, Shane.
Hey, want to dance, tough guy?
No, I'd step on your feet, I'd hurt you. Thank you, though.
DJ: All right, now, everybody up, everybody up! This is Eden East!
This place is amazing ! I can't believe they kept this from us!
I knew you would love it.
This is why I brought you here. Vitality!
Oh, it is so nice to be out with lots of people!
Everyone's smiling and laughing. Don't you guys love this?
It's great. In a couple more minutes, I'll just roofie myself.
I will go get my special Salvadore drink, yes?
Oh, yes.
"Guess I am on my way."
"Mighty glad you stayed !"
Yes! Yes!
He is so much fun !
Oh, God, don't even start.
I'm just having fun.
No, it's just. . . Guys, this is too much.
What's too much? Let's just get it together
and chill out a little.
Excuse me, I don't mean to disturb you. My name's Dave.
Hi. Ronnie.
Ronnie. That's a great name.
Thank you. Yeah.
Do you have a cell phone I could use?
Why?
Someone's got to call God and let him know one of his angels is missing.
Wow, that is the worst line I've ever heard.
Well, what do you want from me?
I've been out of the game for a while.
I've been slumming it with a really hot redhead.
Now you're getting closer.
Dave, if you're here to be an olive branch for Jason,
I am not gonna talk about it tonight.
I'm not here to talk about anything,
I just want to see my wife. Let's go.
I can't just leave these two.
I think they'll survive.
We sure will.
They are so lucky.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
DJ: Now this next jam goes out to all you party people in the house!
Everybody, up! Let's keep this party going, y'all!
Maybe we ought to wait by the exit,
so when people come out, you know. . .
Whatever we do, we gotta do it fast.
I gotta get back, gotta find my wife, you know?
What do you got? You see her?
That's my wife.
Jennifer?
Shane?
God, Shane, there you are! I've been looking all over for you.
Jennifer, what are you doing here?
Look, I heard at the salon that you were coming to this crazy singles' island,
so I just felt a strong sense of urgency
that you and I needed to talk before it was too late.
Jennifer, you left me, remember?
I know, I know.
But then I was hoping that you would come after me.
It wasn't like you walked out of a bar! It was a divorce.
And why are you even at this place?
Do you know this place is insane?
I'm getting called names.
I've been called a cougar, a black panther, a puma!
I had to smack this one kid.
That's the last time he'll walk up to a woman talking about cougar!
Yeah.
I've been looking all over the place for you.
And where have you been?
Well, actually, I'm staying on the other side,
the couples' side, with my girlfriend.
What? Who?
Her name is Trudy and she's aspiring to be a manager.
Put it in my mouth !
MEN: Go, go, go!
Trudy?
DJ: All right, y'all, it's almost time for the mele,
the Kanikapila luau drum show!
The special blend.
Yes, this is a magical drink.
You know what?
I'm gonna go get a good spot for the show. Do you guys wanna come?
No, no, we're good here.
Okay. You're fine? Okay.
And then there was two.
Listen, I want you to come back with me.
I'm not going back to the other side with you.
I'm gonna stay right here, get my celebration on
and get another margarita made up in my face.
I came a long way to find you.
Well, I know you ain't come to get a drink.
You damn sure ain't come to dance.
So what'd you follow me here for?
No. I did.
I came here to drink, party, scratch records, do it all !
Do it. . . It's just. . . Just. . . Just. . . You know?
(SIGHS)
What am I saying?
I don't want to do any of those things.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Truth is that I'm exhausted just saying them.
DJ: All right, y'all, it's time for the Kanikapila luau drum show!
(DRUMS BEATING)
Cynthia, hi. Excuse me. Hi.
Hi. Hey, what are you doing here?
You all right?
I'm fine, Jason. I'm watching the show.
We do have to get back before sunrise, though. Let's get a move on.
I don't think that's a good idea, Jason.
Come on, hon. Let's go.
We're very close.
Jason, I'm not going anywhere.
It pains me to say this, but I gotta let you go.
I love you.
But we cannot do this to each other anymore. It's over.
Daddy, wait. I was wrong. I don't want to lose you.
I'll go back to the other side.
No. Then you. . . You'd be doing what I did.
Trying to be something that you're not.
You're 20. Go be 20.
All right?
(EXCLAIMS)
I will not lose you. All right? I cannot lose you.
You're the whole reason that I'm here.
You're the whole reason that I've done all of this.
You're the whole reason that I've made a complete ass out of myself.
I have failed here miserably. And that does not bother me.
What bothers me is that I have failed you
and I am not gonna do that ever again.
All right? I love you a lot.
Let's go get a drink.
RONNIE: Oh.
Honey, it has been forever since we did something like this.
Yeah.
You know, baby, it's funny. Since we've been here, it's like the therapist
and the place has made it like we got a problem.
But you know what? I think we don't have a problem.
No.
We got a million problems.
Really? Yeah.
But, honey, I think everybody has a million problems.
I don't know that, like, you're supposed to solve them all,
because the simple truth of it, sweetheart, is we're married.
We made a commitment to each other and to our families.
And to myself. And I meant it.
Shane, honey, wait.
Jennifer, I don't need this.
I'm done with trying to make you like me.
I'm not gonna be the man you want me to be.
I'm not gonna do things the way you want me to do things.
I'm always gonna wear my heart on my sleeve because that's who I am.
And I got a lot of friends that like me
just because I'm the way I am.
But it really doesn't matter because I like me.
Well, I don't like you.
Whatever. I love you.
I can't stand picking out tiles.
It drives me nuts to try to redo the fricking house.
I know it does.
But, you know, the one thing that we can and should always do
is just kind of have fun with each other.
And truthfully, sweetheart, that should be the easiest thing to do
because before there was the kids
or the house or the job or any of it,
there was just you.
And I love you, Ronnie.
I love you, too, Dave.
DJ: Hey, now, all you naughty boys and girls, gather 'round, gather 'round.
The hell's she doing here?
GIRL: Who?
That's my wife. She must be looking for me.
GIRL: (CHUCKLING) I don't think so. She looks fine.
You should just relax.
Son of a. . .
Excuse me!
Hey!
Peacock!
Please, I don't want to hurt you.
(GROANS)
"Encouragement!" Joey!
Baby, remember when we first met
and I told you that you were the only man I'd ever been with?
You lied? No, no, no, no, no.
I was. . . I was completely inexperienced,
and, honey, I didn't know what I had in you.
I've been cheating on you !
I've been cheating on you every chance I got!
Yeah? For years, I've been cheating on you.
Well, I cheated on you with more than one guy!
With two. . . You had a three-way with two dudes?
No, no! But I would have!
I totally would have! Well, I would've, too!
Not with two dudes! You know what I'm talking about!
I thought I needed to know what it was like out there, in a real way,
not like I read it in Cosmo. So I went out there and I lived it.
I've had one-night stands!
Okay.
I've woken up in beds with men
whose names I didn't even remember!
I was like, "How did I get this T-shirt on?"
Jennifer, I get it. Land your plane.
Just deal with it! You deal with it.
You deal. . . You deal with going to Applebee's alone.
What? If you don't put in effort,
you're gonna be the one who ends up at Applebee's alone.
Are you asking me to go to Applebee's with you?
The bottom line is that none of them
made me feel the love that you did.
And I had to go out into the world
in order for me to come back and say that I belong home.
DJ: Now I'm gonna keep on spinning these fly tunes
until somebody gets something going on!
I'm not saying I wouldn't go to Applebee's with you !
Well, I'm not saying I wouldn't go to Applebee's with you !
All right, well, I would try to go to Applebee's with you.
Well, I would try to go to Applebee's with you !
So let's try. I want to try! Well, let's try!
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry that it took all of that.
But you know what? Now I can honestly say, with love in my heart,
that you are my man.
Could you ever love me again?
Well, you're my wife.
And I never stopped loving you.
Now come here and give me a kiss.
DJ: This next jam goes out to all you party people in the house!
And that time that you got sick,
you didn't want me to see you,
so you locked me out of the bathroom?
No! Then I passed out!
Yeah.
And you called the ambulance.
Well, because, before you passed out,
it sounded like you were dying in there.
You know? I thought I was dying. I did.
Yeah, well, what was I supposed to do?
I should have broken down the door.
You've been a really good friend.
You have been the best friend in the world to me.
DJ: Now don't stop dancing, y'all!
Party ain't over! It's far from over!
(CRASHING)
(ALL CHATTERING)
Silence, please! Silence!
I made a program for you and you decided not to follow it.
You defied my instructions and you went off course.
Why are we being held to a different standard, Marcel?
You weren't here on time this morning.
I was here before sunrise, sadly, by myself.
Therefore, I chose not to wait.
Marcel, I've got to be honest with you.
You know. . . Silence!
No, you silence! Please, just. . .
I don't need some speech about moments, okay?
No more, okay?
I'm sorry that we kept you waiting this morning
and that we didn't respect your program,
but last night my wife and I,
we spent some real time together,
and for the first time in a long time,
we woke up actually very, very happy.
So, with all due respect, sir,
I don't need you, or anyone else for that matter,
to, you know, say anything, really.
I know.
Sorry?
You do?
Yes.
That is why I am giving you this.
I don't understand.
I could never reveal your true inner animal spirit.
It was always up to you.
Cynthia, Jason, your spirit is the rabbit.
No matter what obstacles are put in front of him,
the rabbit will scrape and burrow
and find a way to create his home.
Thank you. Thank you.
Lucy, Joseph.
For you,
the wolf.
The wolf is by nature a pack animal
and one of the few proud members
of the animal kingdom that mates for life.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Hello, Jen. Welcome, Jennifer.
Thank you.
For you,
the noble honeybee.
The honeybee is committed.
And though it may fly from flower to flower,
collecting the sweet, sticky nectar,
it has no choice but to return to the hive.
Congratulations.
Thank you. That's a big-ass bee.
Finally, Ronnie and David.
I have thought long and hard about this.
I could not decide with my mind.
I had to open my soul to the animal spirits.
And, finally. . .
Okay, the buildup's killing me.
What do we got here? Two cheetahs?
Couple of eagles? You got two lions?
The ass.
You are the ass.
Stubborn and immovable.
The mighty ass tirelessly bears the heavy burden of others.
But when the ass is on the move, nothing can stop the ass.
Be an ass for your marriage. Be an ass for your children.
Be an ass for love.
Thank you, Marcel.
I'm gonna be the biggest ass you've ever seen.
And now, you may spend the rest of your trip enjoying the island.
Please feel free to make Eden into your own, personal Sandals.
Yes.
And now, jet skis!
Yes, yes! Yes!
(PHONE RINGING)
Hey, hey, what's happening?
I sure miss you guys.
I miss you so much.
And Grandpa Jim Jim let us watch Jaws!
We get to eat all the candy we want!
Hey, guys, the jet skis are ready!
Come on ! We're waiting on you !
Give us one second with the kids. We'll be there in a minute.
Go ahead and start. Well, listen,
when we get back next weekend, we'll go to Medieval Times
and we'll get some big drumsticks
and lots of meat. BOTH: Yes!
And we're gonna be doing a lot more of that fun stuff, guys,
so get ready, okay? I'm gonna take you
to the school parking lot, we'll do some donuts.
Yeah ! Donuts!
All right, I love you.
Love you, too. Here's Grandpa Jim Jim.
All right. Enjoy your last few days.
Hey, Dad, could you do me a favor
and not give them candy every time they ask?
You ought to be thanking me. I'm here at this home store
returning some of the stuff that you had on that house list.
Okay, thanks so much. When you. . . When you look at the coating,
will you beat that guy up on the price?
Kevin ! That is not a real toilet.
Dad, what's going on? Is everything okay?
Please tell me he's not peeing in the store.
It's nice to take a moment and just relax.
Dad? I gotta go.
I don't know him and there's no way I'm going near him.
Grandpa, there's no toilet paper.
Help me get my shirt off.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING)
(PEEING)
You know, the Federal Reserve is a pimp.
They want you to be in debt.
That's how it works. They give you these credit cards
you can't pay for,
HD, motorcycles. It's all a pimp game.
Oh, that feels good.