[ BEEPING ]
-DR. JAMESON. -[ GASPS ]
MR. CASTEN. YOU SCARED ME.
ONLY THE I.T. DEPARTMENT IS ALLOWED IN THE SERVER ROOM.
OH, I...DIDN'T WANT TO BOTHER THEM.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO COPY SOME OLD RESEARCH...DOCUMENTS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
OVER THE LAST MONTH, OUR HEAD OF SECURITY, MR. MARKLAND,
HAS BEEN TRACKING ILLEGAL ACTIVITY IN OUR DATABASES.
NOW, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS UP HERE, HAVE YOU?
NO, THAT'S -- I JUST LOST SOME DOCUMENTS.
FLASH DRIVE. MM.
[ BEEPING ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
DR. JAMESON, YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO COME WITH --
FIND HER.
[ BEEP ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
YEAH. COME ON.
[ BELL CHIMES ] GOING DOWN.
THIS IS MARKLAND. I NEED GROUND-LEVEL SECURITY.
[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]
[ GASPS ] HELLO?
Is this Leigh Jameson?
YES, IT IS. WHO IS THIS?
This is Forrent Alarm Systems.
Ma'am, your home alarm has been activated.
WHAT?!
Which may indicate a break-in or a home invasion.
FEMALE -- BLOND, WEARING A WHITE LAB COAT,
EXITING ELEVATOR BANK "A."
[ BELL CHIMES, DOORS OPEN ]
HEY, YOU -- WITH THE BLOND PONYTAIL.
STOP RIGHT THERE! YOU'RE COMING WITH ME! COME ON!
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
THE RICH AND POWERFUL, THEY TAKE WHAT THEY WANT.
WE STEAL IT BACK FOR YOU.
AND SOMETIMES, BAD GUYS MAKE THE BEST GOOD GUYS.
WE PROVIDE...
[ SIGHS ]
SO, WHEN I GOT BACK HOME YESTERDAY,
MY PLACE WAS TRASHED.
BUT THE ONLY THING STOLEN WAS MY HARD DRIVE.
I'M -- I'M GONNA STAY WITH FRIENDS FOR NOW.
JUST...IN CASE.
WHAT IS IT THAT YOU HAVE ON LILLIAN FOODS?
ABOUT A MONTH AGO,
ONE OF OUR QUALITY-CONTROL INSPECTORS
FOUND SALMONELLA BACTERIA
ON A SHIPMENT OF FROZEN DINNERS.
-HERE YOU ARE, MA'AM. -THANK YOU.
[ GLASS THUDS ]
IT'S BEEN A ROUGH WEEK.
BARTENDER.
-THANKS. ONE MORE. -YOU GOT IT.
TURNS OUT THE ENTIRE FROZEN-FOOD DIVISION WAS CONTAMINATED.
OUR V.P., ERIK CASTEN,
DID A COST-BENEFIT ANALYSIS OF THE PROBLEM.
THE STUDY FOUND THAT IT WOULD BE CHEAPER
TO PAY OFF ANY LAWSUIT
THAN TO PULL THE BAD PRODUCTS OFF THE SHELVES.
-HERE YOU ARE. -THANKS.
OH, DO YOU -- DO YOU WANT A --
NO, THANKS. UM...
MNH-MNH.
I'M SO NERVOUS. [ CHUCKLES ]
CASTEN'S REPORT ESTIMATED HOW MANY PEOPLE WILL DIE.
HE LOOKED AT THE DATA AND DECIDED IT WAS
AN ACCEPTABLE NUMBER OF DEATHS.
"AN ACCEPTABLE NUMBER OF DEATHS" -- OVER FOOD?
SO SUPERMARKETS ARE SELLING LILLIAN PRODUCTS
THAT WILL KILL PEOPLE.
DR. JAMESON, WE WON'T LET THAT HAPPEN. I PROMISE YOU.
OKAY. THANK YOU.
-SURE. -THANK YOU.
YOU'VE MADE ME FEEL MUCH BETTER, MR. FORD.
OH. UM...YOU -- UH, NOT "MR. FORD."
YOU -- YOU -- YOU SHOULD CALL HIM NATE.
I APPRECIATE IT, NATE.
WELL, I-IT'S WHAT WE...
THIS, UH, CASTEN, THE V.P., UH, HE'S JUST A V.P., RIGHT?
WHAT -- WHAT ABOUT THE C.E.O.?
I MEAN...
UH, MR. PRICE.
HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
THAT'S WHY I WAS TRYING TO GET THE REPORT --
TO GIVE IT TO HIM... OR THE FDA -- ANYONE.
WELL, OKAY, WHAT I'M GONNA DO --
I'M GONNA GO BRIEF THE TEAM ABOUT ALL OF THIS.
OH, UM, NO. I'VE -- I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA.
I THINK I SHOULD GO AND -- AND --
OH, NO, NO, NO. DON'T BE SILLY.
YEAH. NO, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
BECAUSE I-I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD ACTUALLY STAY HERE,
BECAUSE DR. JAMESON, SHE STILL LOOKS A LITTLE BIT RATTLED.
[ CHUCKLES WEAKLY ]
THAT'S A HELL OF A STORY.
SO...
YEAH.
I'M GONNA GO BRIEF THE TEAM. THEN I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL.
OH. OKAY.
HOW YOU DOING OVER HERE? OKAY?
ONE MORE. THANK YOU.
YOU GOT IT.
HER NAME IS KATIE. LIKES -- WILD HORSES.
DISLIKES -- VANILLA TOOTHPASTE.
PLEASE STOP TALKING.
HEY.
WELL, I CAN CERTAINLY CHECK. [ LAUGHS ]
HOW YOU DOING?
OH, I'M SO IN.
HEY, UH, ELIOT, WHAT IS THAT BLOCKING YOUR BUTTON CAM?
OH, YEAH, IT'S YOUR EGO.
PARKER?
FIRST 10 FLOORS ARE FREE-CLIMBING HEAVEN,
BUT AFTER THAT, IT'S A SLIP AND SLIDE.
YOU HAVE PRETTY HAIR.
-[ BURPS ] -YOU DON'T.
[ BELL CHIMES ]
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING UP HERE.
YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD BE DOWNSTAIRS.
WHY WOULD I BE DOWNSTAIRS WITH HER? I-I --
-LOOK, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL... -WE HAVE A MEETING, AND I --
...SHE'S AVAILABLE, AND SHE'S INTO YOU -- I CAN TELL.
HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY TELL? LOOK, I APPRECIATE WHAT --
AND YOU'VE GOT THINGS IN COMMON.
BUT I DON'T REALLY NEED THIS --
YOU DEFINITELY HAVE THINGS IN COMMON WITH HER.
-LIKE WHAT? -WELL, UM, SHE'S A SCIENTIST.
AND, WELL, UM...
YOU'RE -- YOU'RE A BIT NERDY.
AREN'T YOU?
I'M -- I'M A -- I'M A BIT NERDY?
AND FOOD -- SHE WORKS WITH FOOD.
WELL, YOU EAT, DON'T YOU?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW SHE COULD MAKE THIS -- LOOK, I --
-JUST -- JUST THINK ABOUT IT. -NO, I DON'T --
JUST GO WITH IT. COME ON. TAKE A LEAP OF FAITH.
-NERDY? SERIOUSLY? -TRUST ME.
I JUST WISH YOU HAD SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE.
THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
YEAH, BUT, SOPHIE, SHE'S A CLIENT.
-MM, THAT'S AN EXCUSE. -OH...
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HAD A DATE, HUH -- A REAL DATE?
-STOP. -AND WITH WHOM?
HARDISON!
MNH-MNH. I DON'T THINK THAT COUNTS.
ARE YOU, UH, YOU RUNNING RECON ON LILLIAN FOODS?
UH, YEAH?
DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD CONSULT WITH ME FIRST?
DID YOU -- DID HE JU--
WE DO THIS ALL THE TIME, NATE.
HEY, LOOK, MAN, WHERE DO YOU THINK MY INTEL COMES FROM?
FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE IS NO BLUEPRINT FAIRY.
YEAH, WELL, I WANT YOU TO PULL THEM OUT. DO IT NOW.
LOOK, WE KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING, MAN. IT'S A FOOD COMPANY.
NO, NO, YOU DON'T, NO. NOT WITH A PLACE LIKE THIS.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
I CAN TRY TO TRANSFER YOU TO THE DEPARTMENT AGAIN.
-COME WITH US, PLEASE. -SURE.
DON'T YOU GO ANYWHERE.
I'D GIVE IT EXACTLY, UH -- UH, TWO SECONDS
BEFORE THIS BECOMES A TRAIN WRECK.
Hardison, we got a problem.
WHAT KIND OF PROBLEM?
THEY'RE MRI'ing MY PIZZA, AND THEIR STANCE SAYS "EX-CIA."
YOU CAN TELL SOMEBODY WORKED FOR THE CIA
JUST FROM HOW THEY STAND?
It's a very distinctive stance!
[ BEEPING RAPIDLY ]
OH, NO. NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU ARE GETTING QUERY SPIKED ALL OVER THE GRID.
NSA. CIA. OSS.
I-I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT -- YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU WANT TO PLAY ROUGH? WE GONNA PLAY ROUGH.
OH, WE GONNA PLAY.
HOW...DO YOU LIKE ME...
-NOW? -YEAH.
[ BEEPS ] OH.
UH, ELIOT, YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THERE...
[ ELECTRONICS POWERING DOWN ] ...RIGHT NOW.
WORKING ON IT!
PARKER, I'M COMING OUT HOT.
OKAY. ALL CLEAR OUT HERE. JUST ME AND...
COPY THAT. I THINK I GOT ONE OUT HERE, TOO.
HEY, BIG BOY. WHAT ARE YOU -- 240, 250?
[ GROANS ]
I'LL CALL YOU.
[ LAUGHS ]
YOU KNOW WHEN I SAID YOU HAD PRETTY HAIR?
I WAS LYING.
YEAH, WELL, SO WAS I WHEN I SAID YOU DIDN'T.
WAIT. DAMN IT!
[ GRUNTS ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
WHAT?
HARDISON!
WAIT FOR IT.
[ SNAPS FINGERS ]
[ ELECTRONICS POWERING UP ]
SEE?
SEE? IT WASN'T NO PROBLEM.
I MEAN, I-I HAD IT UNDER CONTROL.
YOU LIKE THE, UH, THE NEW CLEAR IMAGE ON THE...
BUTTON CAMS?
I-I UPGRADED.
YEAH.
SO, PIZZA-DELIVERY GUY WAS YOUR BIG PLAN?
YOU KNOW WHAT, MAN? IT WAS RECON. OKAY?
INFORMATION GATHERING HAS HISTORICALLY BEEN
A VERY SAFE AND PEACEFUL BUSINESS.
AND -- AND IT WAS A FOOD COMPANY!
IT WASN'T LIKE THEY WAS MAKING WEAPONS.
LISTEN, I-I'VE WORKED INSURANCE FOR COMPANIES LIKE THIS.
ANYONE GETS THEIR HANDS ON THE COMPANY'S FOOD PATENTS,
IT COULD COST THEM BILLIONS.
AND, BY THE WAY, THEY GUARD THAT STUFF BETTER
THAN DEFENSE CONTRACTORS.
-DOES THAT HURT? -YEAH.
WELL, THAT EXPLAINS ALL THE EX-SPOOKS
HANGING AROUND THE LOBBY, THEN.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU LIVE AND YOU LEARN.
NO, I LIVED. ALL RIGHT?
YOU SAT BEHIND A COMPUTER AND ACTED LIKE KOOL MOE DEE.
WHAT YOU CALL ME? KOOL MOE DEE?
LIKE YOU EVEN KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT KOOL MOE DEE.
I WAS GATHERING VERY CRUCIAL INFORMATION.
-DOES THAT HURT? -YEAH.
HOW ABOUT NOW?
HOW ABOUT YOU SHARE THAT CRUCIAL INFORMATION
WITH THE REST OF US?
OKAY. YOU -- YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU AIN'T SAID NOTHING BUT A WORD.
[ BEEP ]
STOP.
ELIOT. GUYS. ELIOT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
She was poking me.
DON'T. MAN --
HEY.
LILLIAN FOODS IS THE THIRD-LARGEST FOOD COMPANY
IN THE WORLD.
LAST YEAR, MADE $12 BILLION.
THIS IS THE VICE PRESIDENT OF THE FROZEN-FOODS DIVISION --
ERIK CASTEN.
ERIK WITH A "K," CASTEN WITH A "C."
HOW IS THAT RELEVANT?
OH. ERIC WITH A "C" -- NICE AND FRIENDLY,
ERIK WITH A "K" -- EVIL.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.
ACCORDING TO DR. JAMESON,
ERIK WITH A "K" IS TRYING TO COVER UP
SALMONELLA FOUND IN THE FROZEN DINNERS
SO HIS DIVISION DOESN'T HAVE TO PAY OUT FOR THAT RECALL.
THAT'S WHY I GROW MY OWN FOOD.
HOW DO YOU FIND THE TIME?
YOU MAKE TIME.
I ONLY SLEEP 90 MINUTES A DAY.
ALL RIGHT, SO WHAT WE HAVE TO DO IS WE HAVE TO GET AHOLD
OF CASTEN'S REPORT AND MAKE IT PUBLIC.
IT'S ON THE SERVERS. HOW DO WE GET INTO THE BUILDING?
I'M SO FAR AHEAD OF YOU, MAN, IT'S SCARY. I LOVE IT.
LOOK, I CAN'T HACK THEIR SYSTEM FROM THE OUTSIDE,
SO I SENT A TROJAN PHONE.
IT'S HACKER 101.
WHAT I DID WAS MESSENGER A SMARTPHONE
WITH AN EXTENDED BATTERY
TO AN EMPLOYEE THAT'S ON VACATION.
PACKAGE SITS IN THE MAIL ROOM,
IT SCANS FOR WIRELESS AND BLUETOOTH ACCESS POINTS.
UNFORTUNATELY, EVEN THEIR INTERNAL SERVERS ARE LOCKED DOWN
LIKE THE CIA,
SO ALL I WAS ABLE TO GET WAS EMPLOYEE E-MAILS.
WELL, ANYTHING USEFUL THERE?
OH, YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT?
MARIE FROM PAYROLL HAS A CRUSH ON STEVE
FROM ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE.
LOOK, THAT'S STEVE RIGHT THERE ON HIS VACATION IN FLORIDA
FROM A MONTH AGO.
SHE LIKES HIM? REALLY?
OH, YEAH. THAT MAN IS A SEXY MAN-BEAST RIGHT THERE.
NOW, SHANNON AND CHRIS FROM MARKETING,
THEY GOT A LITTLE FIGHT GOING ON WITH LAUREN FROM ADS.
OFFICE POLITICS.
GOD, IT'S LUCKY WE DON'T -- WE DON'T HAVE THAT.
EVERYBODY UP IN THERE IS COMPLAINING
ABOUT THIS "STATE OF THE COMPANY" THING TOMORROW.
AND BRIAN FROM I.T. --
THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT RIGHT THERE. THAT'S OUR WAY IN.
BRIAN FROM I.T.? NO, HE IS NOT A TEAM PLAYER.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. THAT'S OUR -- THAT'S OUR WAY IN.
YEAH. YEAH, YEAH. THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT.
YEAH, THE "STATE OF THE COMPANY" MEETING. HERE WE GO.
WHAT IS THAT? I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
ME NEITHER.
IT'S LIKE STATE OF THE UNION --
WHAT IS THAT?
OH, RIGHT, RIGHT. NO, YOU GUYS NEVER HAD REAL JOBS. YEAH.
NEVER.
OF COURSE NOT, MAN. COME ON.
RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, SO WHEN I USED TO WORK FOR IYS,
WE WOULD DO THIS ALL THE TIME.
THE COMPANY -- BIG COMPANIES,
THEY MAKE THEIR EMPLOYEES SIT FOR THE ENTIRE DAY
AND LISTEN TO THESE BORING SPEECHES,
LAME ENTERTAINMENT, BAD FOOD -- IT'S --
UGH. I'M SO GLAD I DON'T LIVE IN THE REAL WORLD.
YEAH, AND IT'S MANDATORY.
IT'S THE ONLY TIME THAT ALL THE EMPLOYEES
ARE AWAY FROM THEIR DESK AT THE SAME TIME.
ALL RIGHT, SO, WE GO IN AS CATERERS,
WE DOWNLOAD THE REPORT
WHILE EVERYONE'S CHUCKING BACK THE MINI QUICHES -- EASY.
NO. NO, SEE, IT'S A FOOD COMPANY.
ALL THE CATERING IS IN-HOUSE.
THE ONLY OUTSIDERS INVOLVED IN THIS WHOLE BIG OPERATION
ARE THE ENTERTAINMENT.
AND WHO WOULD THAT BE?
OH, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ]
CHRONOS THE MAGNIFICENT.
[ APPLAUSE ]
MORE LIKE CHRONOS THE JACKASS.
LOOK.
MULTIPLE SEXUAL-HARASSMENT CHARGES.
[ APPLAUSE ]
LOOK.
EVEN HIS ASSISTANT HATES HIM.
THAT'S KIND OF SAD.
[ APPLAUSE ]
FOR MY NEXT TRICK, I WILL NEED A VOLUNTEER.
[ SCATTERED SHOUTING ]
GO AHEAD. PUT YOUR HAND UP.
-I DON'T WANT TO DO IT. -WOMAN.
I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO. DON'T MAKE ME GO.
-TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM. -OKAY! ME! ME!
ME! ME! PICK ME!
YOU.
COME ON UP HERE.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
The box is an SASJ-6412. This is how it works, all right?
Okay.
[ APPLAUSE ]
WELL...
-WHAT'S YOUR NAME? -KARA!
YEAH, KARA! LOVE YOU! LOVE YOU!
SILENCE!
Love you, too. Sorry.
WELL, KARA...
ARE YOU READY TO STEP INTO THE BOX...
OF MYSTERY?
UH...I DON'T KNOW.
I ASSURE YOU, IT'S PERFECTLY SAFE.
I LOVE YOU.
THAT'S MY GIRL. THAT'S MY BABY.
-YEAH. -SEXY. SHE BEEN DOING PILATES.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
GIVE KARA A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.
SEXY STUFF! GO AHEAD, GIRL. DO WHAT YOU DO.
OW!
-HEY! OW!! -OH!
LET GO!
SHE -- SHE'S PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT.
-LET GO! OW! -HEY, KARA!
DAMN ALL THAT "SHE'S ALL RIGHT." BABY?
[ SCREAMING ]
[ POUNDING ON BOX ] UM, BABY?
BABY?
MA'AM? IF YOU DON'T --
[ SCREAMING ]
JUST KIDDING. [ LAUGHS ]
HA! ISN'T SHE GREAT?
ISN'T -- COME ON.
SNOODLES.
OH. LOVE YOU.
AND THANK YOU AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU!
INTERLOCKING RINGS.
HEY, MAN, YOU -- YOU FORGOT ONE OVER HERE.
JUST...
THANK YOU!
THAT'S DOPE, MAN. I LIKE THAT.
Get off my stage!
[ RINGS CLANGING ]
OH, LOOK, Y'ALL, THIS --
IT -- IT AIN'T REAL.
THAT AIN'T EVEN ALL THAT, MAN. THAT'S --
GET -- GET OFF --
[ CROWD GASPS ]
OH, MY GOD! BABY, I'M HERE!
I'M, LIKE, TOTALLY HERE FOR YOU RIGHT NOW!
SOMEBODY GET ON YOUR CELLPHONE!
I LOVE YOU! GET A DENTIST! YOU.
I LOVE YOU!
OH, THAT'S GREAT. HERE YOU GO.
HE DID WHAT?
YEAH, IT'S NOT AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS,
BUT, UM, CHRONOS IS GONNA BE HELD IN CUSTODY
FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS.
OUR EVENT IS IN TWO HOURS.
WE DO HAVE A REPLACEMENT, THOUGH,
AND HE'LL BE WITH YOU ANY SECOND.
I JUST NEED YOU TO PUT HIS TEAM ON THE SECURITY LIST.
[ CHUCKLES ]
PICK A CARD.
[ CARDS FLIPPING ]
HARRY TURNER.
"MAGICIAN." I KNOW.
"ILLUSIONIST."
MAGICIANS DO KIDS' PARTIES. I DO FORTUNE 500 COMPANIES.
UH, RIGHT THIS WAY, GANG.
WHOA!
AND WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
OH, THIS IS MY TEAM.
I BELIEVE YOU SPOKE WITH MY MANAGER.
THIS IS NELL CARVER. ALL RIGHT?
AND MY ILLUSIONS DESIGNER, FRANK BRUNNER.
AND MY LOVELY ASSISTANT, CLEA.
HEY, MAN.
I HOPE YOU HAVE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE,
BECAUSE THIS MAN RIGHT HERE IS GONNA BLOW YOUR MIND.
ALL RIGHT. COME ON.
WE'RE ON A VERY TIGHT SCHEDULE.
NOTHING GETS IN OR OUT OF THIS BUILDING
WITHOUT GETTING SCANNED.
THESE CRATES CONTAIN MY ILLUSIONS, MY LIFE.
I'M NOT GONNA REVEAL MY SECRETS. COME ON.
THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM! IS IT?
[ CHUCKLES ] COULD YOU PLEASE --
YEAH, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS, HARRY.
MR. MARKLAND, UM, I'M SURE WE CAN FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.
IT'S NOT GONNA BE POSSIBLE --
YEAH, LET'S PULL UP THE VAN, FRANK,
AND LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
-HARRY... -YEAH, I THINK SO.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
-MR. PRICE. SIR... -THIS IS --
HARRY TURNER, ILLUSIONIST EXTRAORDINAIRE.
YOU ARE MR. PRICE, C.E.O. OF THIS COMPANY?
I AM. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
I WOULD LIKE VERY MUCH, SIR,
TO GIVE YOUR PEOPLE A WONDERFUL SHOW,
BUT YOUR, UH, YOUR DOORMAN HERE WOULD LIKE TO LOOK
AT OUR BOXES OF ILLUSIONS AND --
AND DESTROY THE ILLUSION.
MARKLAND, JUST LIGHTEN UP, WILL YOU?
JUST LIGHTEN UP, WOULD YOU?
IT'S A MAGIC SHOW, FOR PETE'S SAKE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
OKAY, WE'RE CLEAR. LET HIM OUT.
IT'S A GOOD JOB YOU'RE NOT CLAUSTROPHOBIC, ELIOT.
I WAS WHEN I WAS A KID. TAKE THIS DAMN THING.
-OH, ALL RIGHT. -REALLY? HOW'D YOU GET OVER IT?
HERE, PARKER.
I LOCKED MYSELF IN A WOODSHED
BEHIND MY HOUSE FOR A COUPLE NIGHTS.
AFTER THAT, I WAS FINE.
THAT IS SO FUNNY.
I WAS SCARED OF THE DARK AND DID EXACTLY THE SAME THING.
YOU READY?
THAT'S NOT THE SAME THING.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
SO, YOU -- YOU -- YOU'RE ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS.
OH, YOU KNOW, BEING A MAGICIAN,
IT'S THE NEXT BEST THING TO BEING A CON ARTIST.
YOU KNOW, IT'S ALL ABOUT MISDIRECTION AND CONTROL.
SO, UH, NO ONE ACTUALLY TOLD YOU THAT YOU CAN'T CONTROL LIFE?
[ LAUGHS ]
YOU SEE, THIS IS WHY YOU'RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP.
NO, SOPHIE, I'M JUST VERY FOCUSED ON MY WORK RIGHT NOW,
YOU KNOW?
I WAS OUT OF CONTROL BEFORE.
NOW I'M IN CONTROL. IT'S A GOOD THING.
SO, WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS TRADING ONE ADDICTION FOR ANOTHER.
HEY, MAN, DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DO THIS MAGIC STUFF?
OH, NO, ABSOLUTELY. POSITIVELY.
YEAH. NO, IT'S ALL ABOUT... THE RABBIT.
YOU KNOW, HAVING -- BY THE WAY, WHERE'S --
WHERE DID THE RABBIT, UH...
UH, OKAY. UH... WELL, OKAY, OKAY.
HARDISON, LET'S GO OVER THE PLAN.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
OKAY, THE SHOW OPENS WITH OUR FRIEND ERIK CASTEN
DELIVERING THE "STATE OF THE COMPANY" SPEECH.
THE SPEECH IS SCHEDULED TO LAST AN HOUR,
GIVING MYSELF, ELIOT, AND PARKER ENOUGH TIME
TO GO DOWN TO THE SERVER ROOM, HACK THE SERVERS,
DOWNLOAD THE REPORT, AND GET BACK DOWNSTAIRS.
SO, MASSIVELY, THERE WILL BE NO MAGIC SHOW.
OH, NO, THERE MIGHT BE A MAGIC SHOW.
NO, ABSOLUTELY. WE MIGHT WANT TO TREAT THESE PEOPLE
TO THE ILLUSIONIST EXTRAORDINAIRE, RIGHT?
YEAH, YOU, UM, YOU REALLY DO NEED A GIRLFRIEND.
NO, ALL I NEED IS THE... IS THE RABBIT.
WHERE'S...
YEAH. H-HARDISON.
HMM?
HAVE THE RABBIT?
IT'S A REAL MAGIC HAT, MAN.
WHERE'S THE RABBIT?
I THOUGHT YOU HAD IT.
COME ON, FAN OUT. FAN OUT. LET'S FIND THE RABBIT.
DAMN IT, HARDISON!
I NEVER HAD IT.
SOPHIE, YOU'RE ON.
MOLLY, I JUST WANT TO SAY THANKS FOR ALL YOU DO.
IT MEANS A LOT.
-MR. PRICE. NELL CARVER. -HI, NELL.
YEAH, I-I -- WE MET EARLIER, ACTUALLY. I WORK WITH HARRY.
OH, THE -- THE MAGICIAN. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
SO, LISTEN, UM, THERE'S THIS LITTLE THING.
WHEN HARRY DOES THESE -- THESE CORPORATE GIGS,
YOU KNOW, HE LIKES TO WORK IN A FEW LITTLE TIDBITS
ABOUT THE EMPLOYEES, YOU KNOW, JUST FUNNY LITTLE THINGS.
-MM. -I KNEW YOU'D WANT TO HELP.
I WONDERED IF I COULD JUST SCRIBBLE DOWN A COUPLE OF THINGS.
OH, BOY. [ EXHALES DEEPLY ] LET'S SEE.
UM, WELL, ONE IS DAVE BICKLE.
BICKLE.
-DAVE BICKLE LOVES HIS COFFEE. -LOVES HIS COFFEE.
-TAKES IT VERY SERIOUSLY. -UH-HUH.
YEAH. AND, UH, WHO ELSE WE GOT?
-OH. -I --
HE...JUST LOVES HIS COFFEE?
YEAH. OH, I MEAN, HE POURS DOWN...
OH, I SEE. THAT'S IT.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU HAD TO HAVE A CORPORATE I.D. BADGE
TO GET IN THE ELEVATOR.
WE DO. WE ACTUALLY NEED ONE FROM A TOP EXECUTIVE.
WHERE ARE WE GONNA GET THAT?
SOPHIE'S SENDING ONE TO ME RIGHT NOW --
BY MAGIC.
AND THEN THERE'S, UH, SAM WESTON,
EXCEPT WE CALL HIM "SPAM" WESTON,
BECAUSE THIS GUY FORWARDS E-MAIL ALL OVER THE COMPANY.
-[ GASPS ] -UNBELIEVABLE.
"SPAM" WESTON. I GET IT. THAT'S GREAT.
NOW, HARRY IS GONNA WORK WONDERS WITH THAT.
THAT'S -- THAT IS FABULOUS. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
SEE, SOPHIE'S SMARTPHONE IS PICKING UP THE RFID SIGNAL
FROM THE BIG BOSS'S I.D.
ALL SHE HAD TO DO WAS COZY UP NEXT TO HIM AND...
[ BELL CHIMES ]
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO. GO.
YOU PICKED HIS POCKETS WITHOUT ACTUALLY STEALING ANYTHING? COOL.
IT'S WHAT I DO. A MAN. A PHONE. NO LIMITS.
HOW ABOUT "A MAN. A PHONE. NO ACTION"?
[ LAUGHS ]
COME ON, MAN, YOU LEFT THAT OUT THERE LIKE A HANGING CURVEBALL.
[ FEEDBACK SQUEALS ]
AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
TO DELIVER THIS YEAR'S "STATE OF THE COMPANY" ADDRESS,
I'VE CHOSEN A RISING STAR.
THIS IS A MAN WHOSE WORK ETHIC, WHOSE CREATIVITY...
AND UTTER DISREGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE...
...AND WHOSE DEDICATION TO OUR MISSION
MAKE HIM UNIQUELY QUALIFIED, REALLY,
TO TALK WITH US ABOUT HOW FAR WE'VE COME
AND ALSO HOW FAR WE STILL HAVE TO GO.
I AM HONORED TO INTRODUCE VICE PRESIDENT ERIK CASTEN.
ERIK, COME ON UP.
GIVE HIM A LITTLE MOMENT BEFORE, UH, HE SINKS HIMSELF.
YOU KNOW, I WROTE A SPEECH ABOUT THIS COMPANY,
WHICH I HAVE BEEN PROUD TO CALL MY HOME FOR FIVE YEARS.
BUT THEN I THOUGHT,
DOESN'T OUR RECORD-BREAKING THIRD QUARTER
SPEAK FOR ITSELF? [ APPLAUSE ]
SO, WITH THAT -- AND THE OPEN BAR -- IN MIND,
I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY...
THANKS, EVERYBODY.
AND LET'S GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO...
HARRY TURNER, ILLUSIONIST EXTRAORDINAIRE!
OH, IT'S YOU. HEY, YOU'RE ON.
Parker, I need my assistant now!
YEAH. YEAH, SPEAKING OF THAT --
HOW COME PARKER GETS TO BE THE ASSISTANT?
HOW COME NATE GETS TO BE THE MAGICIAN?
I DO CARD TRICKS, TOO. I DO GREAT CARD TRICKS.
-Can we talk about this later?
-YEAH, EXACTLY. THAT'S WHAT I WAS JUST SAYING!
DOES ANYBODY WANT TO DO MY JOB? HUH? I GET PUNCHED AND KICKED.
I JUST THINK THAT IF IT WAS ME, WE'D BE BETTER OFF --
-I gotta go. -GO!
[ Laughing ] HELLO, LILLIAN FOODS!
[ APPLAUSE ] OH!
IT'S SUCH AN HONOR TO BE HERE WITH YOU.
[ CLEARS THROAT ] IT'S, UM...
[ EXHALES DEEPLY ] LILLIAN FOODS.
WHEN I THINK OF LILLIAN FOODS, I THINK OF...
I THINK OF FROZEN PIZZA.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT?
HOOK IT TO SOMETHING.
AIN'T NOTHING TO HOOK IT TO.
[ Echoing ] YEE-HOO!
WE'RE GONNA DO A LOT OF MAGIC HERE TODAY.
[ CRACKING ]
HMM? HMM? OH!
-YOU HEAR THAT? -YEAH. OH!
AH! MY WONDERFUL ASSISTANT, THE SPECTACULAR, UNPREDICTABLE
CLEA!
[ Chuckling ] WOW.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Wave. Say hi.
Something.
ISN'T SHE MAGNIFICENT?
OH, LOOK AT THAT.
[ Chuckling ] I COULD'VE JUST HOOKED IT TO THE RAIL.
MY BAD.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET DOWN?
Go change!
[ ROPE WHIRRING ]
REALLY, MAN... YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING?
NOT FUNNY.
MR. CASTEN. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SPEECH?
WHILE EVERYONE'S BUSY WITH THE SHOW,
I'VE GOT SOME THINGS TO TAKE CARE OF UPSTAIRS.
[ BELL CHIMES ]
ALONE.
[ BEEPS ]
ALL CLEAR.
WELL, IF YOU WANTED TO MAKE COFFEE DISAPPEAR,
WHAT WOULD YOU DO? HMM?
WELL, YOU KNOW, DA--
Bickle.
DAVID BICKLE KNOWS ABOUT DISAPPEARING COFFEE,
DON'T YOU, DAVE? HMM?
RIGHT? [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
[ BEEPING ]
HOW LONG IS THIS GONNA TAKE?
AS LONG AS IT HAS TO TAKE.
YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST PULLED UP TO THE CEILING OF AN ELEVATOR
BY MY PANTS, SO DO NOT TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME.
[ BELL CHIMES ]
Go. Go!
[ BEEPING ]
IT'S CASTEN.
WHAT THE HELL'S HE DOING IN THE SERVER ROOM?
LET'S FIND OUT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
ALL THE EMPLOYEE PHONES IN THIS BUILDING
ARE HOOKED UP TO THE INTERNAL WI-FI.
YOU REMEMBER THE TROJAN PHONE? IT WORKS BOTH WAYS.
SEE, I CAN USE THE SERVER TO ACCESS HIS PHONE.
AND ONCE I'M IN, I CAN SEE THROUGH HIS PHONE'S CAMERA.
YOU CAN DO THAT?
OH, YOU'D BE SURPRISED AT WHAT I CAN DO.
HE'S DELETING THE FILES.
GUYS.
YOU REMEMBER THAT BRIGHT IDEA WE HAD ABOUT ACCESSING
the server room while everyone was at the show?
Parker, where are you?
WE'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES.
HE'S GONNA WIPE EVERYTHING FROM THE SYSTEM.
PEOPLE ARE GONNA DIE.
SO, DO YOU LIKE WORKING AT LILLIAN FOODS? YES? YES.
Stall, Nate. Stall.
YES. AH, HERE SHE IS NOW. UH, THE LOVELY CLEA!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YES! CLEA! VERY NICE!
HO! THANK YOU VERY MUCH, CLEA.
I'LL JUST PUT THAT RIGHT HERE.
I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU, CLEA.
SOMETHING YOU MIGHT LIKE VERY MUCH.
MM. IT'S RIGHT HERE -- SOMEWHERE.
AH. HERE IT IS.
IT'S NOT WORKING.
Have to have another way to access the servers, guys.
[ CLEARS THROAT, BLOWS ]
HA!
ALREADY ON IT.
LEIGH, I NEED SECONDARY ACCESS TO THE SERVERS.
TRY THE JUNCTION ROOM.
IT HAS ONE I.O. STATION. AND BE CAREFUL.
[ BEEPING ]
-BARTENDER? -YEAH.
-CAN I HAVE ANOTHER? -OKAY.
CAN YOU GET TO THE SERVERS FROM HERE?
OH, YEAH.
IF ANYTHING, THE COMPUTER SYSTEMS
ARE MORE VULNERABLE UP HERE.
THE ONLY CATCH IS, SECURITY IS WAY GNARLIER.
WHAT ABOUT CASTEN?
IT'LL TAKE HIM SOME TIME.
SEE, HE HAS TO FIND AND DELETE ALL THE COPIES.
WE JUST NEED ONE.
UH, GUYS, I-I CAN'T BYPASS THE BIOMETRICS.
I NEED A FINGERPRINT.
[ BELL CHIMES ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
AND IT HAS TO BE SOMEBODY WITH PRETTY HIGH CLEARANCE.
SHH.
I'M ON IT.
...SUPERNATURAL FORCES, BUT HERE AT LILLIAN FOODS...
-Mr. Price, Mr. Price! -WHAT?
-We're ready for you. -OH, WHAT ARE YOU --
It's time for your bit of the magic show.
NO, I DIDN'T --
We did clear it with your assistant.
She said that you wanted to show a more fun side this year.
So, let's go.
UM...OKAY.
BUT -- BUT IS IT GONNA TAKE MUCH TIME?
No, no, no, no. It's gonna be over in a...
...flash.
[ APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU! [ CHUCKLES ]
[ BEEPING ]
AND NOW, TO HELP ME WITH MY NEXT ILLUSION,
A MAN YOU KNOW ALL TOO WELL,
A MAN THE H.R. DEPARTMENT LIKES TO CALL A "HIRE" POWER...
[ CHUCKLES ] MR. WILLIAM TAYLOR PRICE,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
MR. PRICE, MR. PRICE,
IF YOU COULD JUST COME AND STAND NEXT TO ME RIGHT HERE.
RIGHT HERE, SIR.
THAT'S FANTASTIC.
NOW, THERE'S SOMETHING I'D LIKE YOU TO HOLD ON TO.
OKAY? JUST COME STAND OVER HERE.
THAT'S RIGHT. JUST KEEP THAT IN YOUR HAND LIKE THIS.
OKAY, NOW, I WANT YOU TO CONCENTRATE.
-WHY -- WHY AM I HOLDING -- -NO QUESTIONS.
-[ CLEARS THROAT ] -I MEAN, BELIEVE IN THE MAGIC.
YES, BELIEVE IN THE MAGIC.
[ BEEPING ]
[ WHIRRING ]
ABRACADABRA.
ALL RIGHT, ARE YOU BELIEVING?
I...YEAH.
YES, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING OF? A NUMBER BETWEEN 1 AND 7.
-UH... -THAT'S GOOD. DON'T TELL ME.
OKAY, NOW I WANT YOU TO HOLD OUT YOUR ARM LIKE THIS. OKAY?
AND ON MY COUNT, YOU'RE GONNA OPEN YOUR HAND.
-LOOK HERE. -WHAT --
READY AND OPEN!
HO!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. PRICE.
IT WAS 6.
SURE, IT WAS.
CERTAINLY. IT WAS 6.
WHO WOULD LIKE THIS? READY? [ LAUGHTER ]
[ BEEPING ]
[ BUZZ ]
WHAT?
IT'S NOT OPTICAL.
THEY'RE USING ACTIVE CAPACITANCE.
SEE, WHAT HAPPENS IS, IT MEASURES THE CHANGE IN VOLTAGE
ACROSS THE MICRORIDGES OF THE --
CAN YOU GET IN OR NOT?
YOU...
[ HUMMING ]
GUMMY FROGS?
MM-HMM.
GUMMY FROGS HAVE THE SAME RESISTANCE
AS HUMAN SKIN -- ABOUT 20 MILLIOHMS.
[ BEEPING ]
WHAT'D I SAY?
THAT'S A LOW-TECH HACK RIGHT THERE.
IT'S JUST A PIECE OF CA-- [ BUZZ ]
THERE MAY ALSO BE A RETINAL SCANNER.
Retinas? How am I gonna get his retinas?
WELL, A PROPER ASSISTANT WOULD KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT.
Okay, hold tight.
AND NOW, UH...
HOW MANY OF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOUR BOSS DISAPPEAR?
HMM? SHOW OF HANDS.
UH, NOW, IF WE COULD BRING MR. PRICE BACK UP HERE,
THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
MR. PRICE. [ APPLAUSE ]
MR. PRICE...
MR. PRICE, HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY, SIR?
I -- WE DID THIS.
See, you're supposed to do it like this.
Next time, you jump down the elevator shaft.
Oh, stop it. Everybody knows you love that.
RIGHT THIS WAY, MR. PRICE.
NOW SAY GOODBYE TO MR. PRICE,
BECAUSE YOU MAY NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS ILLUSION IS VERY, VERY DIFFICULT,
ESPECIALLY FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS NEVER PERFORMED IT BEFORE,
SUCH AS MYSELF.
MR. PRICE?
[ KNOCKS ]
Y-YEAH?
OKAY.
SAY GOODBYE!
[ CROWD SHOUTS "GOODBYE!" ]
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ GROANS ]
SO, THAT'S HOW THEY DO THAT TRICK.
ALL RIGHT. I'LL GO CHECK IT OUT. RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
HELLO? HELLO?
HELLO?!
-HELLO! -Shh! Shh! Shh!
-No, Mr. Price. -AM I MOVING?
Don't make a peep.
The audience, they're lapping it up.
You're doing great!
[ CHUCKLES ]
THIS IS -- THIS IS GOOD.
I...THINK.
[ GRUNTS ] [ CROWD GASPS ]
[ GRUNTING ]
[ CROWD GASPS ]
OH! TERRIBLE, I KNOW.
[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]
NOW ARE YOU READY TO SEE DEAR OLD MR. PRICE?
[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ] YES?
CLEA, WE MUST DO THIS.
ONE, TWO, THREE!
VOILà!
[ APPLAUSE ]
OKAY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
I DON'T SEE WHY I WASN'T THE ASSISTANT.
[ BEEPS ] WELL, WHY WASN'T I?
"ABRACADABRA." I COULD DO THAT.
STOP.
IT'S ALL YOURS.
HELLO? [ BELL CHIMES ]
HELLO?!
[ WHISTLING ]
[ BIRD COOS ] OH-HO-HO.
WHOA! THANK YOU!
I CAN HEAR YOU BREATHING OUT THERE!
HELLO?
[ BIRD COOING ]
OH. [ CHUCKLES ]
PLEASE TAKE CARE OF THIS BIRD.
[ BAG POPS, CROWD GASPS ]
YOU SAID TAKE CARE OF IT!
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
-WHERE YOU BEEN? -HELLO?
-YOU CAN'T GET INTO -- -LISTEN. I CAN HEAR YOU.
WOULD YOU MOVE THE -- MOVE THE BOX.
-MOVE -- MOVE THE BOX. -HELLO?!
OH, THANK GOD.
I WAS REALLY BEGINNING TO THINK THIS WHOLE THING WAS GONNA BE
BICKLE GETTING BACK AT ME FOR ALL THE COFFEE J-- HEY!
DOING A HELL OF A JOB, MAN. YOU'RE KILLIN' 'EM OUT THERE!
IT'S REALLY DARK IN HERE.
BICKLE? "SPAM" WESTON?
ARE YOU GUYS IN ON THIS TOGETHER?
WHO ELSE IS OUT THERE? COME ON!
NOW, UH, CLEA, IF YOU'LL PULL THE END OF THIS ROPE.
[ GRUNTS ]
[ LAUGHTER ] AND THE OTHER ONE.
BLOW ON THIS.
[ CLANG ] HMM.
NOW BLOW ON THIS.
[ APPLAUSE ]
THERE WE GO.
[ RAPID BEEPING ]
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
[ BEEPING ] WE'RE TOO LATE. THEY'RE ALL GONE.
CASTEN DELETED ALL COPIES OF THE REPORT.
MARKLAND, I'M ON THE WAY DOWN.
DR. JAMESON CAN CRY ALL SHE WANTS.
SHE'S GOT NOTHING ON ME NOW.
[ BEEPING ]
MARKLAND.
BESIDES THE SERVER ROOM,
WHERE ELSE COULD SOMEONE ACCESS PROTECTED FILES?
UH, IN THE JUNCTION ROOM. WHY?
WE MAY HAVE A BREACH.
THERE IT IS.
WE HAVE MOVEMENT IN THE ELEVATOR!
LOCK IT ALL DOWN.
DONE.
GO TO THE ELEVATOR -- NOW!
[ BEEPING ]
UH-OH.
"UH-OH"? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "UH-OH"?
THIS ISN'T FUNNY ANY LONGER! STEP OUT OF THE ELEVATOR.
OH, THAT "UH-OH."
HELP!
-STEP OUT OF THE ELEVATOR. -NO.
HELLO?!
STOP! HELP!
I CAN HEAR YOU.
JUST STOP IT!
COME ON!
JUST STOP IT!
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
HEY, NATE.
YOU KNOW THAT TRICK WHERE YOU MAKE THE GUY DISAPPEAR
FROM A LOCKED ROOM?
I COULD REALLY USE THAT RIGHT NOW.
WHAT'S WRONG, CLEA?
[ COUGHING ]
-ARE YOU OKAY? -YEAH, THE --
IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?!
[ GAGGING ]
WHOA!
HO HO!
[ LAUGHTER ]
ECHO TEAM, REPORT.
Team is down. Magician's assistant took them out.
REPEAT THAT LAST. DID YOU SAY "MAGICIAN"?
THIS IS NO LONGER A JOKE! COME ON!
[ GRUNTING ]
OH, MY GOODNESS, STOP!
IF YOU CAN HEAR MY VOICE OUT THERE,
I'M TELLING YOU, YOU'RE FIRED!
STOP IT!
OHH!
[ LAUGHTER, SCISSORS SNIPPING ]
[ BELL CHIMES ]
HELLO?
SHOW'S OVER. WE'RE BLOWN.
-HELLO?! -EW.
NATE, BRING DOWN THE CURTAIN NOW.
HEY!
HELLO?
HELLO?!
AND NOW -- NOW IT'S TIME FOR OUR GRAND FINALE!
CLEA? GRAND FINALE.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
[ CLAPS HANDS ]
THANK GOD.
THIS, IT TURNS OUT, IS NOT THE MEN'S ROOM.
BUT Y'ALL SHOULD REALLY HAVE SIGNS UP AND DOWN THE HALLWAYS,
'CAUSE I BEEN STUCK UP IN HERE FOR ABOUT AN HOUR, MAN.
IRONIC, I KNOW, BECAUSE OF THE WHOLE MAGIC,
BUT SEE, I BUILD THE MAGIC TRICK. MY MAN DOES THEM.
THE DRIVE.
THE -- I'M S-- THE, UH -- I DON'T DRIVE.
THAT DRIVE. OH, OKAY. I SEE WHAT YOU --
[ GRUNTS ]
AH, YES!
NOW, I'D LIKE YOU TO COUNT WITH US, PLEASE.
Hmm?
Are you sure this is gonna work?
50-50 chance.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
ONE...
[ CROWD YELLS "ONE!" ]
WHERE'S THE REST OF YOUR TEAM?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, MAN.
TWO...
[ CROWD YELLS "TWO!" ]
THREE!
[ CROWD YELLS "THREE!" ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
GO THROUGH THE WING! CHECK THE EXIT DOOR!
MAGIC TRICKS?
HEY, MAN, YOU --
YOU LOOKIN' AT ALL MY STU-- THAT'S ALL MY BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU, SIR,
SHOULD EXPECT A VERY STRONGLY WORDED LETTER
FROM THE MAGICIANS LOCAL 77.
THE LABELS ON FROZEN DINNERS SAY
"HEAT TO 161 DEGREES."
THAT KILLS THE BACTERIA.
IT'S ON THE PACKAGE.
[ GRUNTING ]
THE WORLD IS A VERY DANGEROUS PLACE
FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN'T FOLLOW SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS.
[ GASPING ]
I'M SORRY.
THEY'RE OUTSIDE IN THE GRAY VAN.
[ COUGHING ]
GOOD MAN.
WAS ALL THAT NECESSARY, MAN? I GOT ASTHMATIC TENDENCIES.
I DON'T SEE A VAN.
YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS
TO TELL ME WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON HERE.
DO I? REALLY? OKAY. [ CELLPHONE RINGS ]
YOU'RE A LITTLE STRONG-ARM, AIN'T YOU?
I BLOGGED YOUR WEBSITE ABOUT THAT.
THE LILLIAN FOODS WEBSITE.
DID YOU POCKET-DIAL ME? WHAT?
GIVE ME THAT!
WHO THE HELL IS THIS?
THE SECRET OF MAGIC IS MISDIRECTION, MR. CASTEN.
THE MAGICIAN?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON MY PHONE?
MISDIRECTION.
SO, YOU WENT AFTER THE INCRIMINATING REPORT.
And I deleted it.
EVERY COPY.
ABSOLUTELY.
BUT YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK ALL THAT SECURITY
IS IN PLACE JUST TO PROTECT THOSE REPORTS.
DO YOU? I MEAN, UH...
WHAT'S REALLY VALUABLE ON THOSE SERVERS? HMM.
WE'RE TOO LATE. THEY'RE ALL GONE.
CASTEN DELETED ALL COPIES OF THE REPORT.
Do you have access to the company's food patents?
YES.
YES, I DO.
Yes, I had my assistant download them.
MAGICIAN, THIEF, WHATEVER.
WE HAVE YOUR MAN AND HIS HARD DRIVE.
YOU NEVER GOT THE PATENTS OUT OF THE BUILDING.
NO, NO, NO.
YOU GOT THOSE PATENTS OUT OF THE BUILDING.
ALL WE HAD TO DO WAS PICK UP YOUR PHONE.
NOW, THESE PATENTS REPRESENT HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS
OF YOUR COMPANY'S PRESENT AND FUTURE EARNINGS.
THEY'RE ON YOUR CELLPHONE --
DOWNLOADED THE DAY YOU WERE ALONE IN THE SERVER ROOM.
SEE, I CAN USE THE SERVER TO ACCESS HIS PHONE.
YOU CAN DO THAT?
OH, YOU'D BE SURPRISED WHAT I CAN DO.
I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE CAUGHT IN THAT ACT. WOULD YOU?
HUH, MR. CASTEN?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Well, first, I'd like you to let my friend go.
NEXT, YOU'LL PULL THE ENTIRE
FROZEN-FOODS LINE FROM THE MARKET.
YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME!
DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH THAT'LL COST THE COMPANY?
Yes, well, we're sending a specialist
to help with the recall.
YOU'LL ALSO ISSUE A FORMAL APOLOGY.
ALONG WITH YOUR LETTER OF RESIGNATION.
YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY HAD ME IN A BOX!
GET HIM UPSTAIRS! CLEAR OUT HIS OFFICE RIGHT NOW!
NOW, WHY DON'T WE GIVE THE LADY A NICE ROUND OF APPLAUSE?
AND YOUR QUEEN SHOULD BE...
THIS RIGHT HERE.
STOLE IT.
YOU -- YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
I'M FINISHING OFF THE KUNG PAO.
OKAY, YEAH, I GOT THREE POSSIBLE CLIENTS TO RESEARCH!
JUST WANT TO FINISH.
I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
LISTEN, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE DR. JAMESON A RING?
I'M WORKING. WORKING OVER HERE.
[ TAPS FINGER ] PUT IT IN.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M NOT EVEN LOOKING.
WHAT?
HE'S FINE.
OH.
WE PRACTICALLY HAD TO BEG HIM TO COME BACK, ALL RIGHT?
HE'S NOT DRINKING. HE'S AT THE TOP OF HIS GAME.
I GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.
I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE WE PULLED THIS ONE OFF.
WELL, THAT'S THE PROBLEM. HE KEEPS WINNING.
AND EVERY TIME HE WINS, HE BELIEVES A LITTLE BIT MORE
THAT HE CAN CONTROL...
LIFE.
IT'S WHAT GETS HIM THROUGH THE DAY.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE LOSES?
LAST TIME HE LOST, IT BROKE HIM.
HE BREAKS AGAIN,
I DON'T THINK EVEN WE COULD PICK UP THE PIECES.