1 00:00:03,467 --> 00:00:05,267 male announcer: ARE YA HAVING TROUBLE SLEEPING? 2 00:00:05,300 --> 00:00:06,567 - PLEASE, HELP! 3 00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:08,333 announcer: ARE YA STUCK IN A RUT? 4 00:00:08,367 --> 00:00:10,267 - HERE'S A QUARTER. CALL SOMEBODY THAT CARES. 5 00:00:10,300 --> 00:00:11,267 announcer: THE FOLLOWING IDIOTS 6 00:00:11,300 --> 00:00:14,567 HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO CURE EVERYTHING, 7 00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:15,567 FROM WHOOPING COUGH TO CROTCH ROT. 8 00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:16,567 - AAH! 9 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,500 - YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. 10 00:00:18,533 --> 00:00:20,333 announcer: WE GOT A HOUSE-SITTER WHO FLEW THE COOP... 11 00:00:20,367 --> 00:00:21,400 - [screams] 12 00:00:21,433 --> 00:00:22,900 - YOU GUYS STINK! 13 00:00:22,933 --> 00:00:25,833 announcer: A FITNESS INSTRUCTOR WITH A CRUEL STREAK... 14 00:00:25,867 --> 00:00:28,633 - [shouting] 15 00:00:28,667 --> 00:00:30,700 announcer: A PRISONER WHO MADE A BREAK FOR IT... 16 00:00:30,733 --> 00:00:32,167 - MOVE OUT THE WAY BEFORE I STICK 'IM! 17 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:36,467 announcer: A SLEEPWALKER WHO MADE A BIG SPLASH... 18 00:00:36,500 --> 00:00:38,033 - YOU ARE NAUGHTY. 19 00:00:38,067 --> 00:00:40,733 announcer: A SCULPTOR WHO TRIED TO MOUNT HIS OWN WORK. 20 00:00:40,767 --> 00:00:42,133 - OW! 21 00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:43,400 - NURSE? 22 00:00:43,433 --> 00:00:45,167 announcer: AND FINALLY... [electricity zaps] 23 00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:46,900 THE E.R. ROOM FROM HELL. 24 00:00:46,933 --> 00:00:48,300 - GET SOME HELP HERE! 25 00:00:48,333 --> 00:00:51,433 announcer: IF YOU'VE GOT THE DISEASE, WE'VE GOT THE CURE. 26 00:00:51,467 --> 00:00:52,867 - THIS IS AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM! 27 00:00:52,900 --> 00:00:54,233 announcer: IT'S THE NEXT EPISODE... 28 00:00:54,267 --> 00:00:55,633 - THIS IS TOO MUCH STUFF. 29 00:00:55,667 --> 00:00:56,833 - AAH! 30 00:00:56,867 --> 00:00:59,233 announcer: OF 1000 WAYS TO DIE. 31 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:18,533 DEATH IS EVERYWHERE. 32 00:01:18,567 --> 00:01:20,767 MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT. 33 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:23,533 OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY. 34 00:01:23,567 --> 00:01:26,533 EVERY DAY, WE FIGHT A NEW WAR AGAINST GERMS, 35 00:01:26,567 --> 00:01:29,067 TOXINS, INJURY, 36 00:01:29,067 --> 00:01:32,233 ILLNESS, AND CATASTROPHE. 37 00:01:32,267 --> 00:01:35,200 THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD. 38 00:01:35,233 --> 00:01:38,967 THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL IS A MIRACLE. 39 00:01:39,067 --> 00:01:42,900 BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE, WE FACE... 40 00:01:53,367 --> 00:01:54,800 announcer: FOR MOST OF US, 41 00:01:54,833 --> 00:01:59,367 ART DOESN'T GO MUCH BEYOND WHAT YOU FIND IN A CENTERFOLD. 42 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:02,067 BUT WHAT IF THAT CENTERFOLD CAME TO LIFE? 43 00:02:02,100 --> 00:02:05,300 THAT'S KINDA WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS FRUITCAKE, MARCEL. 44 00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:08,067 - OH, YOU ARE NAUGHTY. 45 00:02:08,067 --> 00:02:09,333 announcer: MARCEL WAS A SCULPTOR, 46 00:02:09,367 --> 00:02:12,400 WHO SLAVED AWAY IN A COLD, UNHEATED STUDIO, 47 00:02:12,433 --> 00:02:14,633 SACRIFICING EVERYTHING, 48 00:02:14,667 --> 00:02:17,500 INCLUDING HIS MARRIAGE, FOR HIS ART. 49 00:02:17,533 --> 00:02:18,633 - MARCEL! 50 00:02:18,667 --> 00:02:20,533 announcer: HIS YOUNG WIFE NATALIE 51 00:02:20,567 --> 00:02:22,100 WAS TIRED OF HIS NEGLECT. 52 00:02:22,133 --> 00:02:23,733 - WHY ARE YOU NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO ME? 53 00:02:23,767 --> 00:02:25,567 - THIS IS NOTHING! IT'S STONE! 54 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:26,633 I'M REAL! 55 00:02:26,667 --> 00:02:28,533 - THIS IS REAL! 56 00:02:28,567 --> 00:02:30,733 - I'M OUTTA HERE. 57 00:02:30,767 --> 00:02:33,167 announcer: MARCEL DIDN'T NEED A WIFE. 58 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:36,067 HE WAS CONVINCED HIS STATUE WAS ALIVE. 59 00:02:36,100 --> 00:02:39,633 AND HE WAS IN LOVE. 60 00:02:39,667 --> 00:02:43,833 - AGALMATOPHILIA IS WHEN A MAN OR WOMAN 61 00:02:43,867 --> 00:02:46,100 IS ATTRACTED TO A STATUE, OR DOLL, OR MANNEQUIN. 62 00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:48,733 IN 1877, THERE IS A CASE OF A GARDENER 63 00:02:48,767 --> 00:02:50,633 WHO WAS ATTEMPTING TO HAVE COITUS 64 00:02:50,667 --> 00:02:54,200 WITH A STATUE OF VENUS DE MILO. 65 00:02:54,233 --> 00:02:55,467 - THE FINAL ACT. 66 00:02:55,500 --> 00:02:57,333 announcer: MARCEL WAS SO OBSESSED, 67 00:02:57,367 --> 00:03:00,100 HE HAD CHIPPED OUT A CRUDE VAGINA, 68 00:03:00,133 --> 00:03:02,867 AND NOW, SHE WAS READY. 69 00:03:02,900 --> 00:03:05,700 IT WAS TIME TO PUT THE PENIS TO HIS VENUS. 70 00:03:05,733 --> 00:03:06,967 - AH! 71 00:03:07,067 --> 00:03:10,067 announcer: MARCEL DROVE HIS FLESH HAMMER 72 00:03:10,067 --> 00:03:12,200 DEEP INSIDE HER MARBLE TUNNEL, 73 00:03:12,233 --> 00:03:17,067 AND RODE HIS STONE-COLD LOVER TO EXHAUSTION. 74 00:03:17,067 --> 00:03:18,467 WHEN HE AWOKE, 75 00:03:18,500 --> 00:03:22,267 MARCEL DISCOVERED HIS GODDESS WASN'T DONE WITH HIM. 76 00:03:22,300 --> 00:03:25,067 HE WAS SUFFERING FROM A CONDITION 77 00:03:25,067 --> 00:03:26,367 KNOWN AS PRIAPISM, 78 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:29,267 WHICH IS WHEN AN ERECT PENIS 79 00:03:29,300 --> 00:03:30,733 DOESN'T RETURN TO ITS FLACCID STATE. 80 00:03:30,767 --> 00:03:33,100 HE WAS STUCK. 81 00:03:33,133 --> 00:03:34,167 - AAH! 82 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:36,067 HELP! 83 00:03:40,567 --> 00:03:42,267 announcer: AFTER AN HOUR OF STRUGGLING, 84 00:03:42,300 --> 00:03:44,867 MARCEL WAS STARTING TO PANIC. 85 00:03:44,900 --> 00:03:46,667 HE NEEDED TO FREE HIMSELF 86 00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:48,300 ...NOW. 87 00:03:48,333 --> 00:03:50,600 WITH ONE LAST HERCULEAN EFFORT, 88 00:03:50,633 --> 00:03:53,100 HE POPPED THE DORK CORK, 89 00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:54,233 AND TUMBLED OFF THE TABLE. 90 00:03:54,267 --> 00:03:56,333 - FINALLY! 91 00:03:56,367 --> 00:03:57,900 announcer: FREE AT LAST. 92 00:03:57,933 --> 00:03:59,567 - [screams] 93 00:04:01,933 --> 00:04:03,567 announcer: OUCH. 94 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:05,800 - THIS GUY EXPERIENCED FLAIL CHEST, 95 00:04:05,833 --> 00:04:07,967 IN WHICH AN ENTIRE SECTION OF THE RIBCAGE 96 00:04:08,067 --> 00:04:11,333 BECAME COMPLETELY DETACHED FROM THE REST OF THE THORACIC CAVITY. 97 00:04:11,367 --> 00:04:14,133 THIS RESULTED IN MASSIVE HEMOTHORAX, 98 00:04:14,167 --> 00:04:16,433 WHICH IS BLOOD FILLING THE CHEST CAVITY. 99 00:04:16,467 --> 00:04:19,100 IT PREVENTS THE LUNGS FROM FILLING WITH AIR, 100 00:04:19,133 --> 00:04:21,533 THUS RESULTING IN SUFFOCATION. 101 00:04:21,567 --> 00:04:23,800 announcer: MARCEL'S DEMISE 102 00:04:23,833 --> 00:04:26,367 OFFERS UP A LESSON FOR ALL US GUYS. 103 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,100 - AAH! 104 00:04:28,133 --> 00:04:29,733 announcer: REAL OR NOT... 105 00:04:29,767 --> 00:04:33,067 - [screams] 106 00:04:33,067 --> 00:04:36,133 announcer: THEY GOT US BY THE SHORT HAIRS. 107 00:04:47,067 --> 00:04:49,133 NOWADAYS, IF YOU WANT TO GET IN SHAPE, 108 00:04:49,167 --> 00:04:50,867 YOU DON'T GO JOGGING... 109 00:04:50,900 --> 00:04:52,433 - [whistles] [bleep]. 110 00:04:52,467 --> 00:04:55,067 YOU SIGN UP FOR AN EXTREME FITNESS BOOT CAMP. 111 00:04:55,067 --> 00:04:57,233 - MOVE IT, MOVE IT, MOVE IT, MOVE IT, MOVE IT! 112 00:04:57,267 --> 00:05:00,067 announcer: SERGEANT STU'S "WATER TORTURE" CLASS 113 00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:02,567 WAS ONE OF THE MOST ABUSIVE. 114 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:04,300 - YOU GUYS STINK! 115 00:05:04,333 --> 00:05:06,400 - THE ONLY TIME I THINK IT WOULD BE DANGEROUS 116 00:05:06,433 --> 00:05:08,833 FOR A CLIENT TO BE TRAINED BY A PERSONAL TRAINER 117 00:05:08,867 --> 00:05:10,900 IS WHEN THE PERSONAL TRAINER DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING. 118 00:05:10,933 --> 00:05:12,400 HOWEVER, AN EXPERT LIKE MYSELF-- 119 00:05:12,433 --> 00:05:14,900 ME PUSHING THEM BEYOND THEIR PHYSICAL CAPABILITIES-- 120 00:05:14,933 --> 00:05:16,100 THAT ISN'T DANGEROUS AT ALL. 121 00:05:16,133 --> 00:05:17,433 YES, MY CLIENTS PUKE. 122 00:05:17,467 --> 00:05:19,300 HOWEVER, THAT'S JUST THEIR BODY ADAPTING TO CHANGE, 123 00:05:19,333 --> 00:05:21,833 SOMETHING THEY'RE NOT USED TO. 124 00:05:21,867 --> 00:05:23,433 announcer: ONE OF SERGEANT STU'S 125 00:05:23,467 --> 00:05:25,067 FAVORITE TORTURE TECHNIQUES-- 126 00:05:25,067 --> 00:05:28,667 HE'D JACK UP THE THERMOSTAT ON THE POOL'S HEATER 127 00:05:28,700 --> 00:05:30,900 TO DOUBLE THE SUFFERING INDEX. 128 00:05:30,933 --> 00:05:33,067 - IT'S A FREAKING HOT TUB IN HERE. 129 00:05:33,067 --> 00:05:34,700 - IT IS NOT, THE WATER'S FINE! 130 00:05:34,733 --> 00:05:36,100 THIS IS AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM! 131 00:05:36,133 --> 00:05:39,733 announcer: SERGEANT SADIST DECIDED THIS GIRLS' CLASS 132 00:05:39,767 --> 00:05:42,200 WAS GETTING TOO WHINY. 133 00:05:42,233 --> 00:05:43,833 SO HE DECIDED TO SHOW THEM HOW IT'S DONE. 134 00:05:43,867 --> 00:05:45,967 - WE ARE GONNA HAVE AN ENDURANCE RACE. 135 00:05:46,067 --> 00:05:48,867 IF ANY ONE OF YOU WIN, WE'RE DONE FOR THE DAY! 136 00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:50,833 - READY... 137 00:05:50,867 --> 00:05:52,100 SET... 138 00:05:52,133 --> 00:05:55,100 GO! 139 00:05:55,133 --> 00:05:58,400 announcer: STU GOT OUT TO A QUICK START. 140 00:05:58,433 --> 00:06:01,767 BUT AFTER A FEW LAPS, 141 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:05,267 THE GIRLS LEFT HIM IN THEIR WAKE. 142 00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:07,167 20 LAPS LATER, THE EXHAUSTED BOOTY CAMPERS 143 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,700 CRAWLED FROM THE POOL. 144 00:06:09,733 --> 00:06:13,933 BUT WHERE WAS STU? 145 00:06:13,967 --> 00:06:16,300 HE WAS DOING A GOOD IMPRESSION OF A GOLDFISH-- 146 00:06:16,333 --> 00:06:20,067 THE KIND YOU WIND UP FLUSHING DOWN THE TOILET. 147 00:06:20,100 --> 00:06:22,333 - DURING EXERCISE, 70% OF ENERGY 148 00:06:22,367 --> 00:06:25,367 GOES TOWARDS COOLING DOWN THE MUSCLES AS SWEAT. 149 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:27,333 IN A POOL THAT IS 80 DEGREES OR HIGHER, 150 00:06:27,367 --> 00:06:29,433 THE SKIN DOESN'T HAVE THE ABILITY TO COOL ITSELF DOWN. 151 00:06:29,467 --> 00:06:31,900 HE EXPERIENCED HYPERTHERMIA, 152 00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:33,400 MORE COMMONLY KNOWN AS HEATSTROKE. 153 00:06:33,433 --> 00:06:35,600 announcer: STU'S DECISION TO WEAR A FULL-BODY SWIMSUIT 154 00:06:35,633 --> 00:06:39,367 CAUSED HIM TO RETAIN HEAT, 155 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:42,433 AND GO INTO HYPERTHERMIA EVEN QUICKER. 156 00:06:42,467 --> 00:06:44,067 HIS BRAIN OVERHEATED, 157 00:06:44,067 --> 00:06:46,867 AND THREW HIS HEART INTO OVERDRIVE. 158 00:06:46,900 --> 00:06:49,867 HIS STUDENTS DIDN'T NOTICE HE WAS DYING... 159 00:06:49,900 --> 00:06:51,667 UNTIL HE WAS DEAD. 160 00:06:51,700 --> 00:06:53,067 - GIVE ME 50. 161 00:06:53,100 --> 00:06:55,067 announcer: LET THIS BE A LESSON FOR ALL YOU FITNESS FREAKS. 162 00:06:55,067 --> 00:06:56,800 TAKE IT SLOW... 163 00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:58,500 - YOU GUYS ARE TERRIBLE! 164 00:06:58,533 --> 00:06:59,500 announcer: AND EASY... 165 00:06:59,533 --> 00:07:01,433 - GO! 166 00:07:01,467 --> 00:07:03,867 announcer: OR YOU MIGHT WIND UP LIKE STU... 167 00:07:03,900 --> 00:07:05,433 DEAD IN THE WATER. 168 00:07:11,367 --> 00:07:12,633 announcer: COMING UP... 169 00:07:12,667 --> 00:07:13,733 all: [shouting] 170 00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,933 announcer: NOTHING LIKE A GOOD PRISON RIOT 171 00:07:15,967 --> 00:07:17,633 TO GET THE BLOOD FLOWING. 172 00:07:17,667 --> 00:07:19,533 AND... - ONLY HALF OF IT'S UP. 173 00:07:19,567 --> 00:07:21,200 WHOA! 174 00:07:21,233 --> 00:07:24,267 announcer: THIS GUY LIKES TO GET A HEAD START ON THE HOLIDAYS. 175 00:07:33,900 --> 00:07:35,733 announcer: WIND UP IN A STATE PEN, 176 00:07:35,767 --> 00:07:39,400 AND YOU JUST MIGHT FIND YOURSELF WITH A ROOMMATE LIKE SPIDER. 177 00:07:39,433 --> 00:07:40,900 - YOU SEE THAT? - YES. 178 00:07:40,933 --> 00:07:44,667 - YOU GONNA GET TO KNOW IT REAL WELL. 179 00:07:44,700 --> 00:07:47,533 announcer: SPIDER WAS A STONE-COLD KILLER, 180 00:07:47,567 --> 00:07:50,533 AND IF HE WANTED YOU TO DO SOMETHING, YOU DID IT. 181 00:07:50,567 --> 00:07:51,933 - YES, SPIDER. I KNOW THE RULES. 182 00:07:51,967 --> 00:07:54,133 - YEAH, I BET YOU DO KNOW THE RULES. 183 00:07:54,167 --> 00:07:56,900 announcer: LATELY, TENSION AMONG THE INMATES 184 00:07:56,933 --> 00:07:58,667 HAD RISEN TO A BOILING POINT. 185 00:07:58,700 --> 00:08:00,067 UNTIL... 186 00:08:00,067 --> 00:08:01,400 IT BLEW. 187 00:08:01,433 --> 00:08:02,600 [alarm sounding] 188 00:08:02,633 --> 00:08:04,400 [all shouting] 189 00:08:04,433 --> 00:08:05,833 announcer: IT WAS A FULL-ON RIOT, 190 00:08:05,867 --> 00:08:10,533 AND THE ONCE-ABUSIVE GUARDS WERE NOW ON THE RECEIVING END. 191 00:08:10,567 --> 00:08:12,600 - GET IN THERE! 192 00:08:12,633 --> 00:08:16,133 - ONE OF THE MOST VIOLENT PRISON RIOTS IN U.S. HISTORY 193 00:08:16,167 --> 00:08:18,533 WAS THE NEW MEXICO 1980 PRISON RIOT, 194 00:08:18,567 --> 00:08:20,700 WHERE 33 INMATES GOT KILLED. 195 00:08:20,733 --> 00:08:24,333 12 CORRECTIONS OFFICERS GOT TAKEN HOSTAGE. 196 00:08:24,367 --> 00:08:26,467 SEVEN OF THOSE ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL 197 00:08:26,500 --> 00:08:29,133 FOR INJURIES STEMMING FROM RAPE AND BEATINGS. 198 00:08:29,167 --> 00:08:31,833 all: [shouting] - GET HIM! 199 00:08:31,867 --> 00:08:33,800 announcer: ALL THROUGHOUT THE PRISON, 200 00:08:33,833 --> 00:08:36,067 RIOTERS AND GUARDS WERE LOCKED IN BATTLE. 201 00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:37,167 - AAH! 202 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:40,633 [all shouting] 203 00:08:40,667 --> 00:08:44,133 announcer: SPIDER SAT IN HIS CELL LIKE A BAD BOY BUDDHA. 204 00:08:44,167 --> 00:08:48,833 HE WAS PLAYING IT COOL, WAITING TO MAKE HIS MOVE. 205 00:08:48,867 --> 00:08:51,767 HE MADE A SHIV OUT OF A SHARPENED SCREWDRIVER. 206 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:53,067 AND THEN... 207 00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:55,233 HE POUNCED. 208 00:08:55,267 --> 00:08:59,233 THE REST OF THE INMATES IN HIS CELL BLOCK MOVED OUT, 209 00:08:59,267 --> 00:09:03,067 LEAVING SPIDER AND HIS PRISONER FACING A GROUP OF GUARDS 210 00:09:03,067 --> 00:09:06,400 IN RIOT GEAR AND ARMED WITH TEAR-GAS GUNS. 211 00:09:06,433 --> 00:09:07,700 - ALL RIGHT, LET HIM GO! 212 00:09:07,733 --> 00:09:09,333 - MOVE OUT THE WAY BEFORE I STICK 'IM! 213 00:09:09,367 --> 00:09:11,067 announcer: IT WAS A STAND-OFF, 214 00:09:11,067 --> 00:09:14,500 TILL ONE OF THE GUARDS FIRED OFF A TEAR-GAS CANISTER. 215 00:09:14,533 --> 00:09:17,267 IT WAS A LUCKY SHOT. 216 00:09:17,300 --> 00:09:18,733 RIGHT IN THE NECK. 217 00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:23,833 HE DROPPED TO THE FLOOR, AND NEVER GOT UP. 218 00:09:23,867 --> 00:09:27,600 - WHEN THE 44-MILLIMETER CANISTER, 219 00:09:27,633 --> 00:09:30,433 TRAVELING AT A RATE OF 350 FEET PER SECOND, 220 00:09:30,467 --> 00:09:32,767 STRUCK HIS TRACHEA AND COLLAPSING IT, 221 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:34,967 IT SHUT DOWN HIS AIRWAY COMPLETELY, 222 00:09:35,067 --> 00:09:36,400 RESULTING IN IMMEDIATE DEATH. 223 00:09:36,433 --> 00:09:39,400 announcer: PRISON LIFE CAN BE PRETTY BRUTAL. 224 00:09:39,433 --> 00:09:40,567 - AAH! 225 00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:43,467 announcer: ESPECIALLY WITH BRUTES LIKE SPIDER. 226 00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:44,767 - ALL RIGHT, LET HIM GO! 227 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,700 announcer: HE TRIED TO BUST OUT, 228 00:09:46,733 --> 00:09:49,800 BUT WOUND UP... 229 00:09:49,833 --> 00:09:52,700 LIGHTS OUT. 230 00:10:03,633 --> 00:10:05,833 announcer: YOU KNOW THIS GUY. 231 00:10:05,867 --> 00:10:07,900 AS SOON AS THE CALENDAR PAGE TURNS TO NOVEMBER, 232 00:10:07,933 --> 00:10:10,200 HE'S GOT HIS CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP, 233 00:10:10,233 --> 00:10:14,133 SUCKING MAJOR MEGAWATTS. 234 00:10:14,167 --> 00:10:15,633 - IT'S NOT EVEN DECEMBER YET, MAN. 235 00:10:15,667 --> 00:10:17,067 - OH, SCREW YOU. 236 00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:19,067 THERE'S A QUARTER. CALL SOMEBODY THAT CARES. 237 00:10:19,100 --> 00:10:20,500 GET OUTTA HERE. 238 00:10:20,533 --> 00:10:23,367 - BY 1900s, BUSINESSES STARTED PUTTING UP CHRISTMAS LIGHTS 239 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:26,100 INSIDE THEIR INTERIOR WINDOWS TO DRAW IN SHOPPERS. 240 00:10:26,133 --> 00:10:28,233 UNFORTUNATELY, THE AVERAGE PERSON AND FAMILY 241 00:10:28,267 --> 00:10:30,633 COULDN'T AFFORD CHRISTMAS LIGHTS TILL 1930s. 242 00:10:30,667 --> 00:10:33,833 THAT'S WHY EVERYBODY USED TINSEL. 243 00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:36,833 MY NORMAL ELECTRIC BILL, ONLY ABOUT 150 BUCKS A MONTH. 244 00:10:36,867 --> 00:10:40,333 CHRISTMASTIME, IT GOES UP TO ALMOST 600 BUCKS. 245 00:10:40,367 --> 00:10:44,433 announcer: IT WAS NEVER ENOUGH FOR THE CHRISTMAS-TURBATOR. 246 00:10:44,467 --> 00:10:46,533 - THIS IS TOO MUCH STUFF! LOOK AT THIS! 247 00:10:46,567 --> 00:10:47,700 announcer: BUT IT WAS FOR HIS WIFE. 248 00:10:47,733 --> 00:10:49,833 - ONLY HALF OF IT'S UP. 249 00:10:49,867 --> 00:10:51,967 - HALF OF IT HAS GOT TO COME DOWN, 250 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:52,967 OR I'M GOING TO STAY WITH MY SISTER. 251 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,433 THIS IS TOO MUCH! 252 00:10:54,467 --> 00:10:56,700 - WELL, THE CAR IS OVER THERE. PLEASE GO AHEAD. 253 00:10:56,733 --> 00:11:00,100 announcer: NED ACTUALLY HATED CHRISTMAS, 254 00:11:00,133 --> 00:11:03,233 BUT HE LOVED MAKING THE NEIGHBORS MAD. 255 00:11:03,267 --> 00:11:04,300 THIS YEAR'S IMPROVEMENT 256 00:11:04,333 --> 00:11:06,700 ON HIS HOLIDAY ASSAULT INSTALLATION-- 257 00:11:06,733 --> 00:11:09,500 A WINDOW-RATTLING SOUND SYSTEM, 258 00:11:09,533 --> 00:11:11,333 BLASTING OUT CHRISTMAS CHEER. 259 00:11:11,367 --> 00:11:14,100 - GIMME SOME SOUND. [scratchy fuzz on speakers] 260 00:11:14,133 --> 00:11:15,633 WHOA! 261 00:11:15,667 --> 00:11:19,467 [yells] 262 00:11:19,500 --> 00:11:21,667 announcer: NED GOT AN EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT... 263 00:11:21,700 --> 00:11:23,267 HIS LIFE. 264 00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:26,267 THE SPEAKER WIRE WRAPPED AROUND HIS ANKLE 265 00:11:26,300 --> 00:11:29,100 AND SPARED HIM THE FRACTURED SKULL. 266 00:11:29,133 --> 00:11:30,700 BUT NOW HE WAS STUCK... 267 00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:32,800 - HELP! 268 00:11:32,833 --> 00:11:34,367 announcer: AND HIS BOOMING CHRISTMAS MUSIC 269 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:37,500 WAS DROWNING OUT HIS FEEBLE CRIES. 270 00:11:37,533 --> 00:11:40,367 NED STARTED SWINGING. 271 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:43,500 AND THEN HIS HEAD MET AN IMMOVABLE OBJECT. 272 00:11:43,533 --> 00:11:45,467 [thumping] 273 00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:48,200 A FEW MORE VIOLENT THUMPS, AND HE WENT FROM HOLIDAZED... 274 00:11:48,233 --> 00:11:49,333 - OW! 275 00:11:49,367 --> 00:11:51,433 announcer: TO HOLI-DEAD. 276 00:11:51,467 --> 00:11:53,633 AFTER HANGING UPSIDE-DOWN FOR 15 MINUTES, 277 00:11:53,667 --> 00:11:57,567 NED'S BRAIN WAS GORGED WITH BLOOD. 278 00:11:57,600 --> 00:12:00,400 THEN THE REPEATED POUNDING 279 00:12:00,433 --> 00:12:02,800 CAUSED HIS NOW-WEAKENED BRAIN ARTERIES 280 00:12:02,833 --> 00:12:03,967 TO HEMORRHAGE. 281 00:12:04,067 --> 00:12:07,433 WITHIN MINUTES, HE WAS IN A COMA, 282 00:12:07,467 --> 00:12:09,067 AND DEATH CAME SOON AFTER. 283 00:12:09,067 --> 00:12:13,400 EVERY YEAR, NED TURNED THE HOLIDAYS INTO A LIVING HELL. 284 00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:15,533 - OH, SCREW YOU. 285 00:12:15,567 --> 00:12:16,867 announcer: UNTIL FATE FINALLY STEPPED IN. 286 00:12:16,900 --> 00:12:18,067 - WHOA! 287 00:12:18,067 --> 00:12:20,400 [yells] 288 00:12:20,433 --> 00:12:22,667 announcer: AND PULLED... [thumps] 289 00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:25,367 HIS PLUG. 290 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:37,467 [doorbell rings] 291 00:12:37,500 --> 00:12:40,133 announcer: THE MESA FAMILY WAS GOING ON A TRIP, 292 00:12:40,167 --> 00:12:42,900 AND THEY HIRED LINDSEY TO HOUSESIT. 293 00:12:42,933 --> 00:12:45,067 THEY FOUND LINDSEY ONLINE. 294 00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:46,833 SHE SEEMED DEPENDABLE. 295 00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:48,933 - YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. 296 00:12:48,967 --> 00:12:50,300 announcer: THEY HAD ONLY ONE REQUEST... 297 00:12:50,333 --> 00:12:52,833 - ABSOLUTELY NO GUESTS. 298 00:12:52,867 --> 00:12:54,967 - UNDERSTANDABLE. - OKAY? 299 00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:56,067 announcer: BUT AS SOON AS THE COUPLE WERE HISTORY, 300 00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:57,433 - SEE YA IN TWO WEEKS. 301 00:12:57,467 --> 00:12:58,867 announcer: LINDSEY GOT BUSY. 302 00:12:58,900 --> 00:13:00,933 - HEY, BABY. COME OVER. THEY JUST LEFT. 303 00:13:00,967 --> 00:13:03,667 announcer: MINUTES LATER, SHE AND HER BOYFRIEND MIKE 304 00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,567 WERE SOILING THE SHEETS. 305 00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:06,567 BUT THEN... 306 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:07,567 - [squawks] 307 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:08,567 announcer: A VOICE. 308 00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:11,367 - IT'S A QUESTION OF HONOR. 309 00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:12,467 announcer: THE MESAS HAD FORGOTTEN 310 00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:14,200 TO TELL LINDSEY ABOUT THEIR COCKATOO. 311 00:13:14,233 --> 00:13:15,533 - ALL RIGHT, THAT'S JUST WEIRD. 312 00:13:15,567 --> 00:13:17,400 - DO YOU NOT WANNA MAKE OUT WITH ME RIGHT NOW? 313 00:13:17,433 --> 00:13:18,833 announcer: LINDSEY DIDN'T CARE. 314 00:13:18,867 --> 00:13:22,167 announcer: SHE STILL WANTED MIKE'S COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO. 315 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:23,600 - [squawks] GET ON HER, AND STAY ON HER! 316 00:13:23,633 --> 00:13:27,133 - ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA GO GET A BEER. THIS IS AWKWARD. 317 00:13:27,167 --> 00:13:29,367 - IT'S JUST A BIRD. I-- 318 00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:30,867 - THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF BIRDS. 319 00:13:30,900 --> 00:13:32,633 ONLY SOME OF THESE CAN ACTUALLY HAVE, UM-- 320 00:13:32,667 --> 00:13:33,900 MIMIC HUMAN SPEECH. 321 00:13:33,933 --> 00:13:36,100 FOR EXAMPLE, THE ONES WE KNOW ARE THE PARROTS. 322 00:13:36,133 --> 00:13:38,733 THAT'S EVERYTHING FROM THE MACAWS DOWN TO THE COCKATIELS. 323 00:13:38,767 --> 00:13:40,200 I THINK THERE'S ONE BIRD THAT KNOWS-- 324 00:13:40,233 --> 00:13:42,867 I THINK IT'S 1,000 WORDS IN ITS VOCABULARY. 325 00:13:42,900 --> 00:13:44,367 THAT'S A HUGE AMOUNT. 326 00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:46,900 THAT'S MORE THAN THOSE HIGH SCHOOL KIDS IN SOME COUNTRIES. 327 00:13:46,933 --> 00:13:50,533 announcer: LINDSEY THOUGHT A CRACKER MIGHT SHUT POLLY'S BEAK. 328 00:13:50,567 --> 00:13:53,333 - AAH! 329 00:13:53,367 --> 00:13:55,267 EFF YOU, BIRD! 330 00:13:55,300 --> 00:13:57,267 I HATE YOU! 331 00:13:57,300 --> 00:13:59,300 OH, NO! YOU BIRD! 332 00:13:59,333 --> 00:14:01,233 announcer: LINDSEY WAS SCREWED 333 00:14:01,267 --> 00:14:05,200 IF SHE DIDN'T GET THE BIRD BACK IN ITS CAGE. 334 00:14:05,233 --> 00:14:07,167 - COME HERE. 335 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:09,367 OH, YOU ARE SO ANNOYING. 336 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,533 announcer: SHE ALMOST GOT HIM. 337 00:14:11,567 --> 00:14:13,400 BUT THEN THE PARROT TOOK WING. 338 00:14:13,433 --> 00:14:14,567 - [squawks] 339 00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:17,133 GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, YOU DIRTY SKANK! 340 00:14:17,167 --> 00:14:18,500 - AAH! 341 00:14:18,533 --> 00:14:21,733 announcer: LINDSEY TOOK OFF. 342 00:14:21,767 --> 00:14:24,733 - [screams] 343 00:14:26,367 --> 00:14:28,067 - WHEN SHE FELL ONTO THE GLASS TABLE, 344 00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:30,567 CUTTING HER CAROTID ARTERY, 345 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:32,733 BLOOD WAS GOING FROM HER HEART, 346 00:14:32,767 --> 00:14:33,833 DIRECTLY THROUGH HER CAROTID ARTERY, 347 00:14:33,867 --> 00:14:35,200 AND OUT ONTO THE GROUND. 348 00:14:35,233 --> 00:14:37,900 BECAUSE OF THE ADRENALINE RELEASED INTO HER BODY, 349 00:14:37,933 --> 00:14:39,900 HER HEART RATE WAS ACCELERATED IMMENSELY, 350 00:14:39,933 --> 00:14:43,067 SO THEREFORE, SHE LOST BLOOD EVEN FASTER 351 00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:44,467 THAN SHE WOULD HAVE NORMALLY. 352 00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:47,800 announcer: LINDSEY LIED TO GET INTO PEOPLE'S HOUSES. 353 00:14:47,833 --> 00:14:49,233 - YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. 354 00:14:49,267 --> 00:14:50,733 OH! 355 00:14:50,767 --> 00:14:53,300 announcer: BUT AFTER SHE LOST THE HOMEOWNERS' COCKATOO... 356 00:14:53,333 --> 00:14:55,167 - AAH! 357 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:58,467 announcer: FATE STEPPED IN... - [screams] 358 00:14:58,500 --> 00:15:00,133 announcer: AND FLIPPED HER THE BIRD. 359 00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:02,567 - [squawks] YOU'RE DEAD. 360 00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:09,700 announcer: UP NEXT... 361 00:15:09,733 --> 00:15:14,567 A SLEEPWALKER HAS A WET DREAM... 362 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:17,067 AND... - [groans] 363 00:15:17,067 --> 00:15:20,700 announcer: HOSPITALS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN GREAT PLACES TO DIE. 364 00:15:20,733 --> 00:15:22,067 - [screaming] 365 00:15:31,433 --> 00:15:34,367 announcer: JESSICA IS ONE OF 24 MILLION PEOPLE 366 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:37,667 IN THE UNITED STATES WHO SLEEPWALK. 367 00:15:37,700 --> 00:15:42,067 SLEEPWALKERS GET UP DURING THE SLOW WAVE SLEEP STAGE 368 00:15:42,067 --> 00:15:44,300 AND PERFORM DIFFERENT ACTIVITIES. 369 00:15:44,333 --> 00:15:49,967 JESSICA'S FAVORITE SLEEPWALKING ACTIVITY--SLEEP EATING. 370 00:15:50,067 --> 00:15:52,433 - IN A SLEEP-RELATED EATING DISORDER, 371 00:15:52,467 --> 00:15:55,733 A PERSON WILL GET UP AND THEN EAT A VARIETY 372 00:15:55,767 --> 00:16:00,333 OF FOODS, SOME OF WHICH YOU WOULD NEVER PUT TOGETHER. 373 00:16:00,367 --> 00:16:02,333 THEY'LL CHOP THINGS UP IN A VERY DANGEROUS WAY. 374 00:16:02,367 --> 00:16:04,500 PEOPLE HAVE LOST THEIR FINGERS, 375 00:16:04,533 --> 00:16:05,900 BECAUSE AS THEY'RE EATING THE FOOD, 376 00:16:05,933 --> 00:16:07,567 THEY'RE ACTUALLY ASLEEP, 377 00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,267 AND THEY DON'T KNOW THEY'RE DOING IT. 378 00:16:09,300 --> 00:16:10,933 announcer: JESSICA WAS VERY HEALTH-CONSCIOUS, 379 00:16:10,967 --> 00:16:15,133 AND STOCKED ONLY RAW VEGGIES AND SALADS. 380 00:16:15,167 --> 00:16:18,433 TONIGHT, HER SUBCONSCIOUS WAS CRAVING SOMETHING ELSE. 381 00:16:18,467 --> 00:16:19,833 - CHOCOLATE. 382 00:16:19,867 --> 00:16:22,233 announcer: ANOTHER THING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT JESSICA-- 383 00:16:22,267 --> 00:16:25,733 SHE LIVED ON A BOAT. 384 00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:30,667 THE HUNGRY SLEEPER SET OUT FOR HER NOCTURNAL MEAL... 385 00:16:30,700 --> 00:16:35,100 AND STEPPED RIGHT INTO THE BRINY DEEP. 386 00:16:43,667 --> 00:16:47,900 THERE'S ONE LAST THING THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT JESSICA. 387 00:16:47,933 --> 00:16:50,667 ALTHOUGH SHE LIVED ON A BOAT, SHE COULDN'T SWIM. 388 00:16:50,700 --> 00:16:53,367 WHILE STILL ASLEEP, SHE BREATHED IN ENOUGH WATER 389 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,167 TO START THE DROWNING PROCESS. 390 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:58,533 BY THE TIME SHE AWOKE, HER LUNGS WERE COMPLETELY FILLED. 391 00:16:58,567 --> 00:17:01,600 SHE WENT INTO HYPOXIC CONVULSIONS, 392 00:17:01,633 --> 00:17:05,333 FOLLOWED BY UNCONSCIOUSNESS, AND THEN DEATH. 393 00:17:05,367 --> 00:17:08,067 JESSICA WAS A SLEEPWALKER, 394 00:17:08,067 --> 00:17:13,133 A SLEEP EATER, AND THEN A SLEEP DROWNER. 395 00:17:13,167 --> 00:17:18,133 TOO BAD SHE DIDN'T LIVE IN THE DESERT. 396 00:17:24,267 --> 00:17:27,933 - AAH! 397 00:17:28,933 --> 00:17:29,967 [siren wails] 398 00:17:30,067 --> 00:17:31,333 announcer: UH-OH. 399 00:17:31,367 --> 00:17:33,633 WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE? 400 00:17:33,667 --> 00:17:37,833 ANOTHER CANDIDATE FOR A 1000 WAYS TO DIE STORY... 401 00:17:37,867 --> 00:17:39,167 A DRUNK DRIVER. 402 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:42,067 HE WON'T LIVE LONG WITH THAT STEERING WHEEL IN HIS GUT. 403 00:17:42,067 --> 00:17:43,133 - AAH! 404 00:17:43,167 --> 00:17:46,867 announcer: OH, WELL. THAT'S LIFE. 405 00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:50,267 YOU KNOW, EVERY DAY AROUND THE WORLD, 406 00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:53,767 APPROXIMATELY 150,000 PEOPLE DIE. 407 00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:55,500 - PLEASE HELP! 408 00:17:55,533 --> 00:17:57,500 announcer: IF YOU'RE NOT A COMPLETE IDIOT, 409 00:17:57,533 --> 00:18:00,567 YOU WON'T WIND UP LIKE THIS BUNCH OF LOSERS 410 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:03,067 IN THIS HOSPITAL E.R. ROOM. 411 00:18:03,100 --> 00:18:04,467 - NURSE? 412 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:08,333 announcer: THIS PERV WILL DIE FROM A BROKEN SODA BOTTLE 413 00:18:08,367 --> 00:18:10,567 LODGED UP HIS BUTT. 414 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:14,933 THIS NUMB NUT PASSED OUT DRUNK ON HIS TABLE SAW, 415 00:18:14,967 --> 00:18:16,600 AND CUT HIS OWN LEG OFF. 416 00:18:16,633 --> 00:18:20,867 SHE FELL OFF A LADDER WHILE HOLDING A KNIFE. 417 00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,600 HE HAD A GAS LEAK... 418 00:18:22,633 --> 00:18:23,933 [electricity zaps] 419 00:18:23,967 --> 00:18:25,600 AND LIT A MATCH. 420 00:18:25,633 --> 00:18:28,800 NONE OF THEM WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT. 421 00:18:28,833 --> 00:18:31,633 1000 WAYS TO DIE HAS A LOT OF FUN 422 00:18:31,667 --> 00:18:34,633 MOCKING ALL THE DUMBASSES WHO MANAGE TO DIE... 423 00:18:34,667 --> 00:18:35,900 - I'VE GONE BLIND, MABEL! 424 00:18:35,933 --> 00:18:38,867 announcer: IN THE MOST IDIOTIC OF CIRCUMSTANCES. 425 00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:42,867 BUT IDEALLY, THAT'S NOT HOW WE WANNA GO, 426 00:18:42,900 --> 00:18:44,167 IS IT? 427 00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:45,567 - [screams] 428 00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:48,067 announcer: THERE ARE MORE DIGNIFIED WAYS TO CHECK OUT 429 00:18:48,067 --> 00:18:49,800 OF LIFE'S HOTEL. 430 00:18:49,833 --> 00:18:52,667 THIS WOMAN, FLOATING THROUGH THE E.R. ROOM, 431 00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:55,300 IS OBLIVIOUS TO THE HELL AROUND HER. 432 00:18:55,333 --> 00:18:59,900 SHE'S HERE TO VISIT HER FATHER, WHO'S DYING. 433 00:19:00,067 --> 00:19:03,467 HE'S LED A LONG AND REWARDING LIFE, 434 00:19:03,500 --> 00:19:05,533 AND WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR HIS FAMILY AND FRIENDS. 435 00:19:05,567 --> 00:19:08,600 - DAD... 436 00:19:08,633 --> 00:19:10,633 announcer: HIS DAUGHTER IS UNDERSTANDABLY SAD. 437 00:19:10,667 --> 00:19:12,367 - ARE YOU OKAY? 438 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,200 - I'M FINE. 439 00:19:14,233 --> 00:19:20,067 announcer: BUT SHE ALSO KNOWS IT'S HIS TIME TO GO. 440 00:19:20,067 --> 00:19:21,833 IN THE END... - [screaming] 441 00:19:21,867 --> 00:19:23,100 announcer: THE CHOICE IS YOURS. 442 00:19:23,133 --> 00:19:24,533 - WAAH! [splats] 443 00:19:24,567 --> 00:19:27,833 announcer: YOU CAN BE A TOTAL MORON... 444 00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:29,300 - AAH! 445 00:19:29,333 --> 00:19:31,067 announcer: DIE A VICTIM OF YOUR OWN STUPIDITY, 446 00:19:31,067 --> 00:19:32,533 AND WIND UP ON OUR SHOW... 447 00:19:32,567 --> 00:19:33,733 - I MADE YOU! 448 00:19:33,767 --> 00:19:36,400 announcer: OR LIVE A LONG AND SENSIBLE LIFE 449 00:19:36,433 --> 00:19:41,700 AND GO HOME AND WATCH IT. 450 00:19:41,733 --> 00:19:44,700 ALL THIS TIME, 1000 WAYS TO DIE 451 00:19:44,733 --> 00:19:46,900 HAS BEEN AN INSTRUCTIONAL MANUAL... 452 00:19:46,933 --> 00:19:48,733 - AAH! 453 00:19:48,767 --> 00:19:51,233 announcer: FOR HOW TO LIVE.