1
00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,311
[PHONE LINE DIALING THEN RINGING]
2
00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:59,234
DOUG [ON RECORDING]: You've reached
Doug. Sorry I missed your call.
3
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:01,470
Please leave a name and number
and I'll get back to you.
4
00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:02,834
[PHONE LINE BEEPS]
5
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:05,396
[PHONE LINE DIALING THEN RINGING]
6
00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:09,552
STU [ON RECORDING]:
Hi, you've reached...
7
00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:11,472
...Dr. Stuart Price with Divine Dentistry.
8
00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:13,870
Please leave a message after...
9
00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:16,600
[PHONE LINE DIALING THEN RINGING]
10
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,513
PHIL [ON RECORDING]:
Hey, this is Phil.
11
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:24,592
Leave me a message or don 't.
Do me a favor, don 't text me. It's gay.
12
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:27,479
- Anything?
TRACY: I tried them all.
13
00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:29,631
It keeps going straight to voicemail.
14
00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:31,472
Well, there has to be an explanation.
15
00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,313
Sweetie, it's Vegas.
You lose track of time in casinos.
16
00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:37,711
There's no windows, there's no clocks.
He's probably on a heater.
17
00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:41,873
And you never walk away from the table
when you're on a heater.
18
00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:43,792
You do if you're getting married.
19
00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:45,757
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
20
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:48,070
- Hello?
- Ahem, Tracy, it's Phil.
21
00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:50,193
Phil, where the hell are you guys?
22
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:52,510
[OVER PHONE]
I'm freaking out.
23
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:54,033
Yeah, listen.
24
00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:55,599
Uh...
25
00:01:57,880 --> 00:01:58,995
We fucked up.
26
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:00,912
What are you talking about?
27
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:03,878
The bachelor party,
the whole night. It...
28
00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:06,918
Things got out of control, uh...
29
00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:10,193
...and we lost Doug.
30
00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:12,999
- What?
- We can't find Doug.
31
00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:16,436
What are you saying, Phil?
We're getting married in five hours.
32
00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:18,638
Yeah.
33
00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:21,796
That's not gonna happen.
34
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,118
MAN:
To my left a little.
35
00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:50,838
Thank you.
36
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:52,389
Okey-dokey.
37
00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:59,073
- Whoa, watch it, pervert!
- Alan, he's just doing your inseam.
38
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:04,633
- He's getting very close to my shaft.
- All done. You can change now.
39
00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:08,031
Right. Thanks, Floyd.
Thank you very much.
40
00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:11,036
All right, buddy,
we should get a move on.
41
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:15,113
You know, Doug, I was thinking...
42
00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:18,272
If you wanna go to Vegas without me,
that is totally cool, you know?
43
00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:20,112
What are you talking about?
44
00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:23,636
You know, Phil and Stu, they're your
buddies, and it's your bachelor party.
45
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:25,791
Come on, Alan. Those two love you.
46
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,758
ALAN: And also, I don't want you to feel
like you have to hold back...
47
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:31,229
...because your wife's brother's there.
I just...
48
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,231
It's not like that.
49
00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:38,271
It's not like that.
I already told you, Alan.
50
00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:42,353
Okay? We're just spending the night
in Vegas. It's no big deal.
51
00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:46,513
Besides, you're not just my wife's
brother, you're my brother now.
52
00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:52,471
I want you to know, Doug,
I'm a steel trap.
53
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:56,758
Whatever happens tonight, I will
never, ever, ever, speak a word of it.
54
00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:59,480
Okay. Yeah, I got it. Thank you.
I don't think that...
55
00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,473
Seriously. I don't care what happens.
56
00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:05,229
- I don't care if we kill someone.
- What?
57
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,789
You heard me. It's Sin City.
58
00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:11,071
[WHISPERING]
I won't tell a soul.
59
00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:13,836
Okay. I got it.
60
00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:18,798
- Thank you.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] No, thank you.
61
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,991
I love you so much.
62
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,191
DOUG:
No. Sid.
63
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:32,915
- Really?
SID: Come on, we're family now.
64
00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:37,075
- You sure? I mean, you love this car.
- Doug, it's just a car.
65
00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:41,392
Just make sure to put some Armor All
on the tires so the sand doesn't seep in.
66
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,710
Absolutely. That's easy.
67
00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:46,553
Oh, and, uh, don't let Alan drive...
68
00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:48,392
...because there's
something wrong with him.
69
00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:51,950
DOUG: Understood.
- Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.
70
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:56,432
I will be the only one driving this car.
I promise.
71
00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:57,589
Good.
72
00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:00,672
Remember, what happens in Vegas
stays in Vegas.
73
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:02,229
Ah!
74
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:03,549
[CHUCKLES]
75
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:06,792
Except for herpes.
That shit'll come back with you.
76
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:07,949
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
77
00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:10,509
All right. Hold on. I still need
some of your permission slips...
78
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:14,036
...and $90 for the field trip to the
Griffith Observatory next weekend.
79
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:18,034
Pay now, or forever regret missing out
on the experience of a lifetime, guys.
80
00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:19,315
You're good, you got it.
81
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,471
STUDENT: Thanks, Mr. Wenneck.
PHIL: Thank you, Russ.
82
00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:23,631
Thanks. Thanks, Bobbitt, way to go.
83
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:43,949
STUDENT:
Hold on, I got it.
84
00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:46,680
Ahem, do you have to park so close?
85
00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:49,559
- Yeah. What's wrong?
- I shouldn't be here.
86
00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:50,755
Why is that, Alan?
87
00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:54,196
I'm not supposed to be within 200 feet
of a school.
88
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:57,592
- What?
- Or a Chuck E. Cheese.
89
00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:02,911
BUDNICK: Mr. Wenneck, I was...
- It's the weekend.
90
00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:04,911
I don't know you. You do not exist.
91
00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:07,792
- Shit.
DOUG: Heh, heh, heh.
92
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,552
- Nice car.
DOUG: Yeah.
93
00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:10,709
I'm driving.
94
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:12,313
DOUG: Whoa, no chance,
buddy... Don't step...
95
00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:13,469
God. Watch the leath...
96
00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:16,313
Shut up and drive before these nerds
ask me another question.
97
00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,038
- Animal.
- Who's this?
98
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:21,237
- It's Alan. Tracy's brother.
- I met you, like, four times.
99
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,595
Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?
100
00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:26,032
MELISSA:
Don't forget your Rogaine.
101
00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:29,399
STU:
Rogaine, check.
102
00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:31,676
And don't forget to use it.
103
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:34,991
I can totally tell when you forget,
your hair just looks thinner.
104
00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:38,558
Using of the Rogaine, check.
105
00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:41,154
Make sure to call me
right when you get to the hotel...
106
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:43,754
...not like that conference in Phoenix.
107
00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:46,309
I had to wait two hours
for you to call me.
108
00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:49,040
Yeah, I was the keynote speaker.
I was late to the podium.
109
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:52,272
- Still?
- Yeah, you're totally right. I'm sorry.
110
00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:56,115
- What is the matter?
MELISSA: I don't know.
111
00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:58,919
I hope you're not gonna go to
some strip club when you're up there.
112
00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:01,640
STU:
Melissa, we're going to Napa Valley.
113
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:04,314
I don't even think they have strip clubs
in wine country.
114
00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:08,268
Well, I'm sure if there is one,
Phil will sniff it out.
115
00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:09,669
[SIGHS]
116
00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:11,592
It's not gonna be like that.
117
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:13,557
Besides, you know how I feel about that.
118
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:17,474
I know, I know. It's just boys
and their bachelor parties, it's gross.
119
00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:20,200
You're right, it is gross.
120
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:22,351
- Not to mention it's pathetic.
- Mm-hm.
121
00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:25,398
- Those places are filthy.
- Yeah.
122
00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:26,595
And the worst part is...
123
00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:28,514
...that little girl...
124
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:32,229
...grinding and dry humping
the fucking stage up there...
125
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:35,952
...that's somebody's daughter up there.
- I was just gonna say that.
126
00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:38,998
See? I just wish your friends
were as mature as you.
127
00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:42,277
They are mature, actually. You just
have to get to know them better.
128
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:45,159
PHIL:
Paging Dr. Faggot.
129
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,594
Dr. Faggot!
130
00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:55,157
- I should go.
- That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.
131
00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,638
Have a good weekend.
I'm gonna miss you.
132
00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:12,149
Whoo!
133
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:14,595
Road trip!
134
00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:16,275
[SCREAMS]
135
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:19,796
Vegas! Vegas, baby!
136
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:20,995
Vegas!
137
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:22,354
[LAUGHS]
138
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:24,238
You're nuts!
139
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,954
Come on, just till Barstow.
Everybody's passing us.
140
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:35,796
Absolutely not. I promised Sid.
I will be the only one driving this car.
141
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:37,075
Besides, you're drinking.
142
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:40,277
Oh, what are you, a cop now?
You know I drive great when I'm drunk.
143
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:43,398
True. Don't forget, Phil was always
our designated drunk driver.
144
00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:45,835
Yeah. You wanna explain it
to them, Alan?
145
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,992
Guys, my dad loves this car
more than he loves me, so, yeah.
146
00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:52,277
Aw, whatever. I left my wife and kid
at home so I could go with you guys.
147
00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:54,829
- You know how difficult that was?
- That's really sweet.
148
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:56,911
- Yeah.
- Dude, I was being sarcastic.
149
00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:58,115
I fucking hate my life.
150
00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:00,032
I may never go back.
I might stay in Vegas.
151
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,474
Here we go.
152
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,551
Doug, enjoy yourself,
because come Sunday...
153
00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:06,951
...you're gonna start dying
just a little bit every day.
154
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:10,829
Yeah. That's why I've managed to stay
single this whole time, you know?
155
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,719
- Oh, really? That's why you're single?
- Yeah.
156
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:15,758
Cool. Good to know.
157
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:19,149
- Am I all right over there, Alan?
- Yeah, you're good.
158
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:21,553
[TRUCK HONKS]
159
00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:22,709
[TIRES SQUEAL]
160
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:24,233
DOUG:
Aw, Jesus Christ!
161
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:27,119
- Oh, my God!
- That was awesome!
162
00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:29,475
That was not awesome.
What's wrong with you?
163
00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:35,192
- That was insane. We almost just died.
- You should have seen your face.
164
00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:37,635
- Classic.
- That's funny. Ha-ha.
165
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,472
It's not funny.
166
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:55,114
[MAN WHISTLES]
167
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:59,159
- Boy, you've got a sweet ride there.
- Don't touch it.
168
00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:03,751
Don't even look at it. Go on, get out.
169
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:06,832
You heard me.
Don't look at me, either.
170
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:11,797
Yeah, you better walk on.
171
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:15,032
- He's actually kind of funny.
- Yeah, he means well.
172
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,475
ALAN:
I'll hit an old man in public.
173
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,519
Is he all there? Like, mentally?
174
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:23,638
I think so. He's just an odd guy.
You know, he's kind of weird.
175
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,358
- I mean, should we be worried?
- No.
176
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:26,919
- All right.
- No.
177
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,788
Tracy did mention
that we shouldn't let him gamble.
178
00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:31,509
Or drink too much.
179
00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:35,355
Jesus, he's like a gremlin.
Comes with instructions and shit.
180
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,590
STU:
And one water.
181
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:39,792
- All good with Melissa?
- Oh, yeah.
182
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:45,080
Told her we're two hours outside of
wine country, and she bought it.
183
00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:48,118
You think it's strange you've been
in a relationship for years...
184
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:49,872
...and you have to lie about Vegas?
185
00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:52,634
Yeah, I do.
But trust me, it's not worth the fight.
186
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:54,518
Oh, so you can't go to Vegas...
187
00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:57,797
...but she can fuck a bellhop
on a Carnival Cruise Line?
188
00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:58,949
Hey.
189
00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:02,476
Okay, first of all, he was a bartender.
190
00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:03,789
And she was wasted.
191
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:08,275
And, if you must know,
he didn't even come inside her.
192
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:09,875
And you believe that?
193
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:14,478
Uh, yeah, I do believe that,
because she's grossed out by semen.
194
00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:16,114
That'll be 32.50.
195
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:19,316
It's 32.50, you gonna pay for it?
196
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:26,353
It says here we should work in teams.
Who wants to be my spotter?
197
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:30,035
I don't think you should be doing
too much gambling tonight, Alan.
198
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:32,077
Gambling?
Who said anything about gambling?
199
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:34,390
It's not gambling
when you know you're gonna win.
200
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:36,357
Counting cards is a foolproof system.
201
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:37,999
It's also illegal.
202
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:42,597
It's not illegal, it's frowned upon,
like masturbating on an airplane.
203
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:44,269
[CHUCKLES]
204
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:46,032
I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
205
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:49,317
Yeah, maybe after 9/11,
where everybody got so sensitive.
206
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:52,754
Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.
207
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:57,837
Either way, you gotta be super smart
to count cards, buddy, okay?
208
00:12:58,000 --> 00:12:59,194
ALAN: Oh, really?
- It's not easy.
209
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:01,351
Well maybe we should tell that
to Rain Man...
210
00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:04,432
...because he practically bankrupted
a casino, and he was a retard.
211
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:05,715
What?
212
00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:07,469
He was a retard.
213
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:09,509
Retard.
214
00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:50,352
PHIL:
Here we go.
215
00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:53,474
WOMAN:
Hi, welcome to Caesars.
216
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:54,789
STU: Hello.
WOMAN: Checking in?
217
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:57,235
Yeah. We have a reservation
under Dr. Price.
218
00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:59,470
LISA:
Okay, let me look that up for you.
219
00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:00,755
Dr. Price?
220
00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:04,708
Stu, you're a dentist, okay?
Don't try and get fancy.
221
00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:09,112
- It's not fancy if it's true.
- He's a dentist. Don't get too excited.
222
00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:12,078
And if, uh, someone has a heart attack,
you should still call 911.
223
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:13,878
We'll be sure to do that.
224
00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:17,237
Can I ask you a question? Do you
know if the hotel's pager-friendly?
225
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:20,198
- What do you mean?
- I'm not getting a sig on my beeper.
226
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:23,478
- I'm not sure.
ALAN: Is there a payphone bank?
227
00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:26,518
Bunch of payphones? Business.
228
00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:29,151
Um, there's a phone in your room.
229
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:31,149
That'll work.
230
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:34,997
So I have you in a two-bedroom suite
on the 12th floor, is that okay?
231
00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:36,434
It sounds perfect.
232
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,875
Actually, I was wondering
if you had any villas.
233
00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:41,508
- We're not even gonna be in the room.
- It's unnecessary.
234
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:43,716
No big deal. We can share beds.
It's one night.
235
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:45,836
If we're share beds,
I'm bunking with Phil.
236
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:48,717
- You good with that?
- No, I'm not.
237
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:52,156
Guys, we are not sharing beds.
What are we, 12 years old?
238
00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:54,231
Lisa, I apologize.
How much is the villa?
239
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:57,233
Well, we have one villa available,
and it's 4200 for the night.
240
00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:59,436
- Is it awesome?
- It's pretty awesome.
241
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:03,639
- We'll take it. Give her your credit card.
- I can't give her my credit card.
242
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:07,110
- We'll split it.
- Are you crazy? No, this is on us.
243
00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:11,278
You don't get it.
Melissa checks my statements.
244
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:12,998
We just need a credit card on file.
245
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:16,118
We won't charge you until check out,
so you can figure it out then.
246
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:19,636
That's perfect. Thank you, Lisa.
We'll deal with it tomorrow. Come on.
247
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:22,153
Fine.
248
00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:24,756
- Can I ask you another question?
LISA: Sure.
249
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:26,194
You probably get this a lot.
250
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,430
This isn't the real Caesars Palace,
is it?
251
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:29,949
What do you mean?
252
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:32,553
Did, uh...
253
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:36,439
- Did Caesar live here?
- Um, no.
254
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,151
I didn't think so.
255
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:49,397
STU:
Holy shit.
256
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:50,549
[PHIL GROANS]
257
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:52,278
PHIL:
Now, this is Vegas.
258
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:56,797
DOUG:
Oh, my... This place is enormous.
259
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:57,995
PHIL:
Now we're talking.
260
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:00,915
Is this all one suite?
261
00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:03,153
Thank you, guys.
262
00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:05,117
Or should I say, "Thank you, Stu"?
263
00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:07,271
You're welcome.
It's only because I love you.
264
00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:12,357
PHIL: Okay, ladies, pick a room, get
dressed. Let's be ready in 30 minutes.
265
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:18,155
I just wish you could see this place,
because you, of all people, would love it.
266
00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:21,471
Yeah. No, it's so quaint.
267
00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:24,591
Yeah, no, there's no TVs, no phones.
268
00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:28,639
They just have these cute little antique
radios in all the rooms.
269
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:30,358
Yeah.
270
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:32,878
What else? Um...
271
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,550
We met the, uh, proprietor.
272
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:38,029
- Oh, I bet you...
STU: What's his name?
273
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:39,394
Um, Caesar. Palacè.
274
00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:41,997
Yeah, like the salad.
275
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:46,349
Okay. Well, listen, I gotta go, because
we're gonna hit this wine tasting.
276
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:50,638
Wait, wait. I love you. Okay. Bye.
277
00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:53,720
I'm not even gonna say anything,
it's so embarrassing.
278
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:56,030
- Where's Alan?
- He, uh, he went downstairs.
279
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:58,111
He said he had to grab a few things.
280
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:03,229
Good, because I have something
to show you.
281
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:05,954
DOUG:
Uh-Oh.
282
00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:08,031
- What the hell is that?
STU: What do you think?
283
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:11,317
If it's what I think it is,
I think it's a big fucking mistake.
284
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:14,997
I'm gonna propose to Melissa
at your wedding. After the ceremony.
285
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:18,470
- Stuey, congratulations!
- Thank you, Doug.
286
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,560
- That's a beautiful ring.
- Yeah. It's my grandmother's.
287
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:24,518
She made it all the way through
the Holocaust with that thing.
288
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:27,433
Wait, have you not listened
to anything I have ever said?
289
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:30,876
Phil, we've been dating for three years.
It's time. This is how it works.
290
00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:34,191
A, that is bullshit.
And B, she is a complete bitch.
291
00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:36,430
Hey, that's his fiancée.
292
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:39,876
What? It's true. It's true.
You know it's true. She beats him.
293
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:42,873
That was twice, and I was out of line.
294
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:45,349
She's strong-willed. And I respect that.
295
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:47,317
Wow. Wow.
296
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:50,199
He's in denial.
Not to mention, she fucked a sailor.
297
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:51,588
DOUG:
Hey, he wasn't a sailor.
298
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:55,039
He was a bartender on a cruise ship.
You know that.
299
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:59,318
Guys, I'm standing right here. So I can
hear everything that you're saying.
300
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:01,550
Hey, guys.
You ready to let the dogs out?
301
00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:03,119
- What?
- Do what?
302
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:04,599
ALAN:
Let the dogs out. You know.
303
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:07,433
[SINGING "WHO LET THE DOGS OUT"]
304
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:08,589
Who brought this guy?
305
00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:10,876
DOUG: Yes, Alan, we are ready
to let the dogs out.
306
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:13,838
- Hey, congrats.
- Thank you.
307
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:27,116
I love this fucking town.
308
00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:36,914
- You're not really wearing that, are you?
- Wearing what?
309
00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:38,832
The man-purse.
310
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:41,833
You're actually gonna wear that
or are you guys fucking with me?
311
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,992
It's where I keep all my things.
I get a lot of compliments on this.
312
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:47,310
Plus, it's not a man-purse.
It's called a satchel.
313
00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:48,595
Indiana Jones wears one.
314
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:50,954
So does Joy Behar.
315
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:56,629
- We're going up, guys.
- Yeah, that's perfect.
316
00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:58,392
STU:
Really?
317
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:00,118
We're going up?
318
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:07,359
I'm just saying,
it's clearly marked, okay?
319
00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:09,511
We are definitely
not supposed to be up here.
320
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:12,797
Come on, we're paying for a villa.
We can do whatever the fuck we want.
321
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,871
- Yeah, but...
- Just wedge the door open.
322
00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:17,235
- Guys, come on up here.
- Fine.
323
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:23,309
DOUG:
How the hell did you find this place?
324
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:24,913
Don't worry about it.
325
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:26,593
Oh!
326
00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:28,914
- You all right?
- Yeah.
327
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:32,390
- Look at the view up here.
- You happy?
328
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:33,754
- This is great.
- Whoa!
329
00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:34,909
[PHIL CHUCKLES]
330
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:36,069
Are you kidding?
331
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:38,515
PHIL: Alan, how we doing, buddy?
- Good.
332
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:39,999
DOUG: What do you got
over there, Alan?
333
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:41,388
STU: That's the Eiffel Tower.
334
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:43,469
Uh-oh.
335
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:45,278
- Right?
- A little Jägermeister.
336
00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:46,998
- Good idea.
- There it is. Good call.
337
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:48,195
On the roof.
338
00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:52,114
Um, no, this is good.
I'd like to make a toast.
339
00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:54,191
To Doug and Tracy.
340
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:56,999
May tonight be...
341
00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:59,356
...but a minor speed bump...
342
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:02,080
...in an otherwise very long
and healthy marriage.
343
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:03,639
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
344
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:04,789
Short and sweet.
345
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:09,154
DOUG:
Oh, it's like college.
346
00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:11,629
- All right. I wanna talk about something.
DOUG: All right.
347
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,074
- I want to...
ALAN: I'd like to...
348
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:16,115
I'd like to say something...
349
00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:18,792
...that I prepared...
350
00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:21,555
...tonight.
- All right, Alan.
351
00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:27,199
"Hello.
352
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:30,556
How about that ride in?
353
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:32,756
I guess that's why they call it
Sin City.
354
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:34,918
[ALAN CHUCKLES]
355
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:39,790
You guys might not know this,
but I consider myself a bit of a loner.
356
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:43,032
I tend to think of myself
as a one-man wolf pack.
357
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:48,076
But when my sister brought Doug home,
I knew he was one of my own.
358
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:52,675
And my wolf pack, it grew by one.
359
00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:55,513
So were there two... So there
were two of us in the wolf pack.
360
00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:59,798
I was alone first in the pack,
and then Doug joined in later.
361
00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:02,278
And six months ago...
362
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:05,398
...when Doug introduced me
to you guys, I thought:
363
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:09,394
'Wait a second. Could it be?'
And now, I know for sure.
364
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:12,028
I just added two more guys
to my wolf pack."
365
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:14,316
- All right.
- All right.
366
00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:15,959
ALAN:
"Four of us wolves...
367
00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:19,874
...running around the desert together
in Las Vegas...
368
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:22,395
...Iooking for strippers and cocaine."
369
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:23,549
So tonight...
370
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:25,669
...I make a toast.
- Whoa.
371
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:27,637
- What...?
- What do you got there?
372
00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:30,189
PHIL: Dude, what the fuck?
DOUG: What the hell are you doing?
373
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:32,716
[ALAN GROANS]
374
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:36,559
- What is that?
- Blood brothers.
375
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:38,153
- Don't... Why did you...?
- Damn it.
376
00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:39,389
- Here.
- Alan...
377
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:41,073
- No.
- No, I'm not doing that.
378
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:42,673
ALAN: Go ahead, Stuart.
- Make him stop.
379
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:45,274
Alan, we're not gonna cut ourselves.
Give me the knife.
380
00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:48,079
Slowly. Thank you.
Okay. Thank you very much.
381
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:49,992
PHIL: You all right? Are you okay?
ALAN: Mm-hm.
382
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:51,752
- Do you need a doctor?
- He's good.
383
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:53,148
PHIL: You sure?
ALAN: I'm good.
384
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:57,074
- Perfect. Alan, come here, buddy.
STU: Get in here, crazy.
385
00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:01,870
All right, to a night the four of us
will never forget.
386
00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:07,874
STU: There it is.
PHIL: Hear, hear.
387
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:09,917
DOUG:
Hey, thanks, guys.
388
00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:40,912
[GRUNTS & GROANS]
389
00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:49,710
[ALAN GRUNTS]
390
00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:19,160
[GROWLING]
391
00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:29,949
Hm.
392
00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:32,156
Stupid tiger.
393
00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:35,433
[GASPS]
394
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:37,279
[TIGER ROARS]
395
00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:38,475
[ALAN AND PHIL GRUNT]
396
00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:40,278
PHIL:
What the fuck?
397
00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:44,198
Control yourself, man.
Goddamn, will you put on some pants?
398
00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:47,158
- Phil, do not go in the bathroom.
- AI, just calm down. It's me.
399
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:49,629
Phil, there is a tiger in the bathroom.
400
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:52,360
- What's going on?
- There's a jungle cat in the bathroom!
401
00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:54,909
- Okay, okay, Al. Al, I'll check it out.
ALAN: Don't go in.
402
00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:57,719
Don't go in, don't go in.
Be careful. Don't, don't.
403
00:24:58,400 --> 00:24:59,389
[TIGER GROWLS]
404
00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:02,028
- Oh! Holy fuck! He's not kidding.
ALAN: See? See?
405
00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:04,430
- There's a tiger in there.
- No, there isn't.
406
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:05,874
Yeah!
407
00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:09,396
- It's big. Gigantic.
- You okay, buddy?
408
00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:11,949
No. I am in so much pain right now.
409
00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:15,430
Goddamn. Look at this place.
410
00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:16,589
Whew.
411
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:20,912
I know. Phil, they have my credit card
downstairs. I am so screwed.
412
00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:23,640
How does a tiger get in the bathroom?
It almost killed me.
413
00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:25,552
Hey, bro?
You mind putting on some pants?
414
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:27,711
I find it a little weird
I have to ask twice.
415
00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:30,394
ALAN: Pants at a time like this?
I don't have any p...
416
00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:33,676
What the fuck happened last night?
417
00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:37,037
Hey, Phil, am I missing a tooth?
418
00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:40,358
I can't... Oh, shit.
419
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:44,994
Oh, my God.
420
00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:46,991
My lateral incisor's... It's gone!
421
00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:51,278
It's okay. Okay, okay. Just calm down.
We're fine. Everything's fine.
422
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:52,634
Alan, go wake up Doug.
423
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:55,109
Let's get some coffee and get
the fuck out of Nevada...
424
00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:56,474
...before housekeeping shows.
425
00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:58,596
What am I gonna tell Melissa?
I lost a tooth.
426
00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:00,079
I have no idea how it happened.
427
00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:01,468
You're freaking me out, man.
428
00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:03,949
I got a massive headache, okay?
Let's just calm down.
429
00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:06,634
How am I supposed to calm down?
Look around you.
430
00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:09,878
- Hey, guys, he's not in there.
- Did you check all the rooms?
431
00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:12,600
Yeah, I looked everywhere.
Plus, his mattress is gone.
432
00:26:12,760 --> 00:26:15,069
He probably went to the pool
to get something to eat.
433
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:16,639
I'll just call his cell.
434
00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:20,110
I look like a nerdy hillbilly.
435
00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:24,951
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
436
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:34,798
- Hello?
- Alan.
437
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:36,109
Hey.
438
00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:39,514
- It's Phil.
- Oh, hey, Phi...
439
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:42,037
This is Doug's phone.
This is Doug's phone.
440
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:43,189
PHIL: No shit.
- Yeah.
441
00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:46,116
[BABY CRYING]
442
00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:50,109
What the fuck is that?
443
00:26:56,360 --> 00:26:57,873
Whose fucking baby is that?
444
00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:00,634
Alan, are you sure you didn't see
anyone else in the suite?
445
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:02,791
Yeah, I checked all the rooms.
No one's here.
446
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:05,155
Check its collar or something.
447
00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:07,117
Shh. Shh.
448
00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:09,748
- It's okay, baby.
- Stu, we don't have time for this.
449
00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:12,514
Let's go hook up with Doug,
we'll deal with the baby later.
450
00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:14,716
Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby
in the room.
451
00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:17,633
- There's a fucking tiger in the bathroom.
- It's not our baby.
452
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:19,631
Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.
453
00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:21,756
All right, fine.
Okay, we'll take it with us.
454
00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:24,036
Could you at least just find some pants?
455
00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:34,835
Why can't we remember a
goddamn thing from last night?
456
00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:37,355
Because we obviously
had a great fucking time.
457
00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:38,839
[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS]
458
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:42,072
Why don't you just stop worrying
for one minute.
459
00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:43,753
Be proud of yourself.
460
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:51,149
Oh, how cute. What's his name?
461
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:55,914
- Ben.
- Carlos.
462
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:58,878
Carlos?
463
00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:10,313
Thank you.
464
00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:16,275
Hey, Phil, look.
465
00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:19,231
[ALAN LAUGHING]
466
00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:22,478
He's jacking his little weenis.
467
00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:26,197
- Pull yourself together, man.
- Not at the table, Carlos.
468
00:28:26,360 --> 00:28:28,237
[ALAN & PHIL CHUCKLE]
469
00:28:30,800 --> 00:28:31,994
I looked everywhere.
470
00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:35,277
Gym, casino, front desk.
Nobody's seen Doug. He's not here.
471
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:36,839
He's fine. He's a grown man.
472
00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:39,958
Seriously, Stu, you gotta calm down.
Here, have some juice.
473
00:28:44,680 --> 00:28:45,954
I can't have juice right now.
474
00:28:46,120 --> 00:28:48,588
Okay. All right.
Let's just track this thing.
475
00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:49,875
[PHIL COUGHS]
476
00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:52,270
What's the last thing
we remember doing last night?
477
00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:54,510
Well, the first thing was
we were on the roof...
478
00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:56,238
...and were having those shots of Jäger.
479
00:28:56,400 --> 00:28:58,470
[RETCHES & COUGHS]
480
00:28:58,640 --> 00:29:00,551
And then we ate dinner
at The Palm. Right?
481
00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:01,709
That's right.
482
00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:05,395
And then we played craps at the
Hard Rock, and I think Doug was there.
483
00:29:05,560 --> 00:29:07,710
That sounds right.
No, no. He definitely was.
484
00:29:07,880 --> 00:29:10,599
You know what, guys?
I don't even remember going to dinner.
485
00:29:10,760 --> 00:29:13,479
What the fuck? I don't think
I've ever been this hung-over.
486
00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:15,790
After the Hard Rock, I blacked out.
It was like emptiness.
487
00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:17,473
[LAUGHS]
488
00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:19,437
Okay. We have up until 10 p. m...
489
00:29:19,600 --> 00:29:22,717
...so that gives us a 12-hour window
where we could have lost him.
490
00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:26,714
ALAN: What is this?
- Oh, my God. That is my tooth.
491
00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:29,792
Why do you have that?
What else is in your pockets?
492
00:29:29,960 --> 00:29:32,918
This is a good thing. No. Check
your pockets. Check your pockets.
493
00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:34,513
Do you have anything?
494
00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:37,638
I have an ATM receipt
from the Bellagio.
495
00:29:37,800 --> 00:29:43,909
Eleven-oh-five for $800!
I am so fucked.
496
00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:48,119
I have a valet ticket from Caesars.
Looks like we got in at 5: 15 a.m.
497
00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:50,191
Oh, shit. We drove last night?
498
00:29:50,360 --> 00:29:51,349
[ALAN LAUGHS]
499
00:29:51,520 --> 00:29:53,272
Driving drunk. Classic.
500
00:29:53,440 --> 00:29:54,793
[LAUGHS]
501
00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:58,192
What's on your arm?
502
00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:00,992
- What the fuck is that?
- Jesus, Phil.
503
00:30:01,160 --> 00:30:03,913
- You were in the hospital last night.
- I guess so, yeah.
504
00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:06,355
- You okay?
- Yeah, Alan. I'm fine.
505
00:30:06,520 --> 00:30:08,272
What the hell is going on?
506
00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:10,954
Well, Stu, Stu, this is a good thing.
We have a lead now.
507
00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:12,553
Hey, Stu, watch this.
508
00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:15,279
[LAUGHS]
509
00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:16,429
[CHUCKLES]
510
00:30:16,600 --> 00:30:19,592
- You ever seen a baby do that?
- Dude, Alan, not cool.
511
00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:26,796
So, uh, are you sure you're qualified
to be taking care of that baby?
512
00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:28,757
What? I've found a baby before.
513
00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:31,115
- You found a baby before?
- Yeah.
514
00:30:31,280 --> 00:30:32,918
- Where?
- Coffee Bean.
515
00:30:34,360 --> 00:30:35,679
STU:
Wait, what?
516
00:30:35,840 --> 00:30:38,832
Hey, Phil? I don't think Doug
would want us to take the Mercedes.
517
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:40,035
Relax, we'll be careful.
518
00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:42,668
My dad is crazy about that car.
He left Doug in charge...
519
00:30:42,840 --> 00:30:44,990
Alan. We got bigger problems here.
520
00:30:45,160 --> 00:30:46,991
Doug could be in the hospital,
he could be hurt.
521
00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:48,229
[CRANE BEEPING]
522
00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:51,756
- Let's worry about the car later.
- Uh, guys? Check it out.
523
00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:57,311
MAN:
All right, grab it from the other side.
524
00:30:57,480 --> 00:30:59,391
Is that the mattress from Doug's room?
525
00:30:59,920 --> 00:31:01,876
PHIL:
What the fuck?
526
00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:05,070
Hey, man, what's going on here?
527
00:31:05,240 --> 00:31:08,437
Some asshole threw his bed
out the window last night.
528
00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:10,830
- No shit.
- Yeah.
529
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:12,911
Some guys just can't handle Vegas.
530
00:31:14,400 --> 00:31:15,389
Ha-ha.
531
00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:18,237
Oh, God.
532
00:31:18,520 --> 00:31:20,112
It's gonna be okay, Stu.
533
00:31:20,680 --> 00:31:23,353
How the hell did we manage that?
534
00:31:26,840 --> 00:31:29,957
- Here's your car, officers.
- Oh, God.
535
00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:32,873
All right, everybody act cool.
All right, don't say a word.
536
00:31:33,040 --> 00:31:36,191
Come on, let's just get in and go.
Come on.
537
00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:40,589
- Stu, you got a five?
STU: No.
538
00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:43,795
PHIL: I'll hit you on the way back.
VALET: Thank you, sir.
539
00:31:43,960 --> 00:31:46,269
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
540
00:31:46,440 --> 00:31:47,475
[BABY CRYING]
541
00:31:47,640 --> 00:31:49,870
You just nailed the baby.
542
00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:51,029
ALAN:
Are my glasses okay?
543
00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:54,399
Your glasses are fine, dick.
544
00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:59,031
[CAR HORN HONKING]
545
00:31:59,880 --> 00:32:01,757
STU:
This is so illegal.
546
00:32:02,280 --> 00:32:04,077
Can't you see the fun part in anything?
547
00:32:05,280 --> 00:32:07,635
Yeah, we're stuck in traffic
in a stolen police car...
548
00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:09,711
...with a missing child
in the back seat.
549
00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:11,313
Which part of this is fun?
550
00:32:12,080 --> 00:32:16,119
- I think the cop-car part's pretty cool.
- Thank you, Alan. It is cool.
551
00:32:16,280 --> 00:32:18,032
Doug would love it.
552
00:32:18,920 --> 00:32:20,433
Come on.
553
00:32:22,000 --> 00:32:22,989
[SIREN WAILING]
554
00:32:23,160 --> 00:32:25,720
- Check this out.
STU: Oh, no. No, Phil. No, Phil.
555
00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:26,869
Don't do this!
556
00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:29,235
PHIL: Take it easy.
- Just try to call more attention to us.
557
00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:30,674
PHIL [OVER PA]: Attention.
- Sorry.
558
00:32:30,840 --> 00:32:32,717
PHIL:
Attention, please. Move out of the way.
559
00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:34,313
I repeat, please disperse.
560
00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:40,075
Phil, stop the car, I wanna get out.
Stop the car, I wanna get out. Pull over.
561
00:32:40,240 --> 00:32:44,438
Ma'am, in the leopard dress,
you have an amazing rack.
562
00:32:45,360 --> 00:32:47,590
STU: Get off the sidewalk!
Get off the sidewalk!
563
00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:49,159
I should have been a fucking cop.
564
00:32:49,320 --> 00:32:50,833
[STU SCREAMS]
565
00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:56,914
Look, I already told you.
566
00:32:57,080 --> 00:33:00,117
You came in with a mild concussion,
some bruised ribs. No big deal.
567
00:33:00,280 --> 00:33:02,669
Although none of you could articulate
how it happened.
568
00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:05,195
Do you remember how many of us
were here?
569
00:33:05,360 --> 00:33:06,588
Ah...
570
00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:10,196
I don't know. I think it was just
you guys. Definitely no baby.
571
00:33:10,360 --> 00:33:13,830
- And one other guy.
- That's our guy. Was he okay?
572
00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:17,879
Yeah. He was fine. Just whacked
out of his mind. You all were.
573
00:33:18,040 --> 00:33:21,555
All right, come forward.
And turn.
574
00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:22,709
All right.
575
00:33:23,640 --> 00:33:25,915
There you go. And cough.
576
00:33:26,080 --> 00:33:27,069
[MAN COUGHING]
577
00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:30,755
Cough. Cough. Give me one more.
578
00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:33,950
All right. Thattaboy.
579
00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:36,678
Okay, Felix, you can put your robe on.
580
00:33:36,840 --> 00:33:38,876
And the nurse will be in here
in a minute.
581
00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:41,076
I'll see you after the weekend.
582
00:33:41,240 --> 00:33:44,038
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, doctor.
583
00:33:46,280 --> 00:33:49,636
Guys, I really gotta go. I'm sorry.
I have a surgery up on the fourth floor.
584
00:33:50,280 --> 00:33:53,477
No, I know. But we just need
a couple more minutes of your time.
585
00:33:55,920 --> 00:34:00,038
Yeah. Tuck it right in there.
I don't want to re-sterilize.
586
00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:01,792
Walk with me.
587
00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:09,120
Okay, here we go. Patient name,
Phil Wenneck, 2:45 a.m. arrival.
588
00:34:09,280 --> 00:34:12,033
Minor concussion, like I said.
Some bruising. Pretty standard.
589
00:34:12,200 --> 00:34:14,191
Do you mind if I look?
I'm actually a doctor.
590
00:34:14,360 --> 00:34:18,638
Yeah, you said that several times last
night. But really, you're just a dentist.
591
00:34:19,360 --> 00:34:23,592
Okay, this is interesting.
Your blood work came in this morning.
592
00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:25,398
Wow.
593
00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:29,317
They found a large amount of Ruphylin
in your system.
594
00:34:29,720 --> 00:34:33,156
Ruphylin. Roofies.
Commonly known as the date-rape drug.
595
00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:35,959
What, so, what are you saying,
I was raped last night?
596
00:34:36,720 --> 00:34:38,199
Actually...
597
00:34:42,040 --> 00:34:45,191
I don't think so.
But someone did slip you the drug.
598
00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:46,839
I'm not surprised
you don't remember anything.
599
00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:47,989
[CHUCKLES]
600
00:34:48,160 --> 00:34:51,311
Doc, none of us can remember anything
from last night. Remember?
601
00:34:52,320 --> 00:34:54,595
Yeah. How could someone
have drugged all of us?
602
00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:55,909
VALSH:
I wouldn't worry about it.
603
00:34:56,080 --> 00:34:58,674
The stuff's out of your system.
You're gonna be fine.
604
00:34:58,840 --> 00:35:01,434
Wait, wait, wait. Please, doctor.
Is there anything else?
605
00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:04,114
Like, something we
may have been talking about...
606
00:35:04,280 --> 00:35:05,759
...or some place we were going?
607
00:35:05,920 --> 00:35:07,638
Actually, there was something.
608
00:35:07,800 --> 00:35:10,109
You guys kept talking about
some wedding last night.
609
00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:12,794
Yeah. No shit. Our buddy Doug's
getting married tomorrow.
610
00:35:12,960 --> 00:35:15,190
- You know what? I want the 100 back.
- No, no. Easy.
611
00:35:15,360 --> 00:35:17,794
You kept talking about some wedding
you just came from.
612
00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:19,234
At the, uh, Best Little Chapel.
613
00:35:19,400 --> 00:35:22,710
You kept saying how sick the wedding
was and getting all crazy about it.
614
00:35:22,880 --> 00:35:24,996
Okay, I hope this helps.
I really have to leave.
615
00:35:25,160 --> 00:35:27,435
Best Little Chapel,
do you know where that is?
616
00:35:27,600 --> 00:35:31,275
I do. It's at the corner of Get A Map
and Fuck Off.
617
00:35:33,200 --> 00:35:34,997
I'm a doctor, not a tour guide.
618
00:35:35,160 --> 00:35:38,197
Figure it out yourself, okay?
You're big boys.
619
00:35:49,840 --> 00:35:50,829
ALAN:
What about the baby?
620
00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:53,150
PHIL: Leave him in the car.
We're gonna be five minutes.
621
00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:55,072
STU: Whoa, we're not leaving
a baby in the car.
622
00:35:55,240 --> 00:35:57,800
He'll be fine. I cracked the window.
623
00:36:01,640 --> 00:36:04,598
- What if they don't remember us?
- Well, let's just find out.
624
00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:07,998
I'm sor... Excuse me, sir? Hi.
625
00:36:08,160 --> 00:36:10,037
[EDDIE LAUGHS]
626
00:36:10,200 --> 00:36:11,474
Look at these guys.
627
00:36:11,640 --> 00:36:12,789
What happened?
You miss me?
628
00:36:12,960 --> 00:36:14,598
You miss Eddie?
You want more from me?
629
00:36:14,760 --> 00:36:17,957
How are you, my friend?
Look at this guy. You're fucking crazy.
630
00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:19,109
What's going on, man?
631
00:36:19,600 --> 00:36:22,831
Listen, I'm gonna tell you something.
I know some sick people in my life.
632
00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:27,471
This guy is the craziest, wildest bastard
I ever met in my life, man.
633
00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:29,392
- This guy?
- This guy is out of his mind.
634
00:36:29,560 --> 00:36:31,949
What's going on,
you fucking crazy motherfucker?
635
00:36:32,120 --> 00:36:34,156
I thought he was gonna eat my dick.
636
00:36:34,320 --> 00:36:36,754
What happened?
No love for Eddie? You don't hug me?
637
00:36:36,920 --> 00:36:38,911
No, no. It's not that, Eddie.
638
00:36:39,080 --> 00:36:41,640
Uh, it's just that we're having
a hard time remembering...
639
00:36:41,800 --> 00:36:43,313
...what happened here last night.
640
00:36:43,480 --> 00:36:45,948
Yeah, was there a wedding here?
Do you do weddings here?
641
00:36:46,120 --> 00:36:47,519
[LAUGHS]
642
00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:49,477
You are cracking my balls, man.
643
00:36:49,640 --> 00:36:52,234
Obviously we were here.
We're looking for our friend Doug.
644
00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:54,755
- Do you remember?
- Yeah, the small guy. Like a monkey.
645
00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:56,035
- Yeah.
- You saw him?
646
00:36:56,200 --> 00:36:57,189
Of course.
647
00:36:57,360 --> 00:37:00,750
Is there anything you can tell us about
what may have happened last night?
648
00:37:02,520 --> 00:37:04,033
You don't remember nothing?
649
00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:07,519
[STU GROANS]
650
00:37:07,680 --> 00:37:11,559
- Congratulations, Stu, you got married.
- This... This can't be happening.
651
00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:14,796
- Oh, God.
ALAN: Look at that.
652
00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:16,758
[STU GROANING]
653
00:37:18,640 --> 00:37:21,871
I'll tell you one thing,
you look seriously happy here, man.
654
00:37:22,560 --> 00:37:24,357
STU:
That's it. My life is over.
655
00:37:24,520 --> 00:37:26,192
Stu, it's okay. Look, shit happens.
656
00:37:26,360 --> 00:37:28,749
Come on. Melissa's not gonna know
anything about this.
657
00:37:28,920 --> 00:37:31,878
- This never happened. I'll take care of it.
- Come on. Put it here.
658
00:37:32,040 --> 00:37:33,029
Hey, what's all that?
659
00:37:33,200 --> 00:37:37,034
The High Roller package. It's what
you ordered. I have coffee mugs.
660
00:37:37,200 --> 00:37:39,236
- What?
EDDIE: You have baseball caps, huh?
661
00:37:39,400 --> 00:37:42,676
And fancy calendars, all with pictures
of Stu and Jade.
662
00:37:42,840 --> 00:37:43,875
PHIL:
Her name's Jade?
663
00:37:44,040 --> 00:37:47,157
Yeah, and she's beautiful, man.
Clean, very tight. Tits like that.
664
00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:49,993
- But that's because she had a baby.
PHIL: That explains the baby.
665
00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:52,230
- Oh, Carlos. Carlos.
- Great. All right.
666
00:37:52,400 --> 00:37:54,391
Uh, here's the deal.
We made a mistake last night.
667
00:37:54,560 --> 00:37:56,755
We need this marriage annulled.
You do annulments?
668
00:37:56,920 --> 00:37:59,514
Of course I do. It breaks my heart
and gonna make me sad...
669
00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:01,557
...but it's no problem.
Good price for you.
670
00:38:01,720 --> 00:38:05,269
I can't do it with just him, though.
I need the chick. I need both parties.
671
00:38:05,440 --> 00:38:07,874
Oh, not a problem. That's great.
Isn't that great, Stu?
672
00:38:08,040 --> 00:38:10,270
Come on, buddy.
She probably knows where Doug is.
673
00:38:10,440 --> 00:38:13,079
- Awesome.
- All right, all right. Okay. Uh...
674
00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:16,519
We need her address.
She filled out some paperwork, right?
675
00:38:16,680 --> 00:38:17,669
Of course.
676
00:38:17,840 --> 00:38:19,876
Hey. Excuse me.
What is the matter with you?
677
00:38:20,040 --> 00:38:21,473
Go and get the paperwork, man.
678
00:38:21,640 --> 00:38:23,312
I spend my life waiting for you.
Come on.
679
00:38:23,480 --> 00:38:24,469
Okay. I'm going.
680
00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:26,676
EDDIE:
And get the baklava, please.
681
00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:34,679
- Hey, Phil, what about my dad's car?
- I'm sure Doug has it. We'll get it back.
682
00:38:34,840 --> 00:38:37,718
Then I vote we torch the cop car
and all this shit with it.
683
00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:42,594
- Torch it? Who are you?
- I don't know, Phil.
684
00:38:42,760 --> 00:38:45,069
Apparently I'm a guy who marries
complete strangers.
685
00:38:45,480 --> 00:38:50,031
This whole situation
is completely fucked.
686
00:38:50,320 --> 00:38:53,630
- These mugs. This hat. This car.
- Hey!
687
00:38:53,800 --> 00:38:56,678
It's all evidence
of a night that never happened.
688
00:38:56,840 --> 00:38:58,910
That is why we're torching all of it.
689
00:38:59,080 --> 00:39:01,389
Whoa, I'm a schoolteacher,
I got a family, okay?
690
00:39:01,560 --> 00:39:04,120
I'm all for secrecy,
but I'm not gonna torch a cop car.
691
00:39:04,280 --> 00:39:06,032
- Fine. I'll do it.
- Can I help?
692
00:39:06,200 --> 00:39:07,599
Yeah, thanks.
693
00:39:07,760 --> 00:39:08,749
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
694
00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:09,989
PHIL: Is it Doug?
- I don't have it.
695
00:39:10,160 --> 00:39:11,479
PHIL:
It's Doug, it's Doug.
696
00:39:11,640 --> 00:39:12,868
Uh, it's Melissa.
697
00:39:13,040 --> 00:39:15,429
- Don't answer.
- I have to. She's called twice already!
698
00:39:15,600 --> 00:39:16,715
- Can I ride shotgun?
PHIL: Don't touch me.
699
00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:18,791
Hey, sweetheart, how are you?
700
00:39:18,960 --> 00:39:22,032
There you are.
This is the third time I'm trying you.
701
00:39:22,200 --> 00:39:25,078
I know. The reception up here's crazy.
702
00:39:25,240 --> 00:39:27,879
I think it's all the sequoia trees,
block the signal.
703
00:39:28,040 --> 00:39:30,838
Ugh, I hate that.
So how was it last night?
704
00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:33,833
Ah, it was really fun, actually.
It was quiet, but it was a good time.
705
00:39:34,280 --> 00:39:35,474
MELISSA:
That sounds nice.
706
00:39:36,640 --> 00:39:38,915
- I'm learning all kinds of vino factoids.
- Hi.
707
00:39:39,280 --> 00:39:40,269
[BABBLES]
708
00:39:40,800 --> 00:39:43,314
lt'd be so cool if I could breast-feed,
you know?
709
00:39:43,480 --> 00:39:44,515
STU:
Well, listen...
710
00:39:45,760 --> 00:39:48,274
...we're about to go for a tractor ride.
PHIL: What the fuck?
711
00:39:48,440 --> 00:39:51,750
STU: I should get going. So pretty.
MELISSA: A tractor ride?
712
00:39:51,920 --> 00:39:52,909
[BASEBALL BAT THUDS]
713
00:39:53,080 --> 00:39:54,877
- Go, out of the car!
- What was that?
714
00:39:55,040 --> 00:39:57,315
They started up the tractor.
I think it backfired.
715
00:39:57,480 --> 00:39:59,550
- Where the hell is he?
PHIL: Hey, easy, easy.
716
00:39:59,720 --> 00:40:02,029
I think we're looking for
the same guy, okay?
717
00:40:03,080 --> 00:40:04,274
Hey! What the hell, man?
718
00:40:04,440 --> 00:40:05,429
[CRYING]
719
00:40:05,600 --> 00:40:07,955
MELISSA: What the fuck, Stu?
Is that a baby?
720
00:40:08,120 --> 00:40:10,953
Why would there be a baby?
We're at a winery. That's a goat.
721
00:40:11,120 --> 00:40:12,348
Where is he?
722
00:40:12,520 --> 00:40:13,953
I don't know!
What are you talking about?
723
00:40:14,120 --> 00:40:16,998
Sir, can you please start the tractor
so we can get out of here?
724
00:40:17,160 --> 00:40:18,991
I'm trying to, but we're fucking blocked.
725
00:40:19,160 --> 00:40:21,628
Oh, my God!
What the hell is happening, Stu?
726
00:40:21,800 --> 00:40:24,997
- Hey! There's a baby on board!
- Someone just said "baby."
727
00:40:25,160 --> 00:40:27,151
- Get out of the car!
- It's a baby goat.
728
00:40:27,320 --> 00:40:29,356
Why you making trouble
for my business, man?
729
00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:31,317
- Go away from here.
- Get out of the car!
730
00:40:31,480 --> 00:40:33,516
- Phil, he's got a gun!
- No shit he's got a gun!
731
00:40:33,680 --> 00:40:35,796
- I gotta call you back. Bye.
- Come on.
732
00:40:37,640 --> 00:40:39,153
PHIL: Fuck! Shit.
EDDIE: He shot me!
733
00:40:39,320 --> 00:40:41,550
- He shot Eddie!
- Fuck this shit!
734
00:40:41,720 --> 00:40:43,438
[SQUEALING]
735
00:40:43,600 --> 00:40:44,589
[SCREAMS]
736
00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:46,591
PHIL:
Fuck! Fuck!
737
00:40:47,040 --> 00:40:49,508
Go, go, go!
738
00:40:51,760 --> 00:40:52,749
MAN:
Fuck.
739
00:40:52,920 --> 00:40:54,831
Okay. Oh, that was some sick shit!
740
00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:55,989
[BABY CRYING]
741
00:40:56,160 --> 00:40:57,149
ALAN:
Who were those guys?
742
00:40:57,320 --> 00:40:59,311
STU: We're gonna be okay.
Everything's gonna be okay.
743
00:40:59,480 --> 00:41:01,232
What the fuck is going on?!
744
00:41:02,320 --> 00:41:03,309
I have no idea.
745
00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:04,869
[SIGHS]
746
00:41:05,040 --> 00:41:06,029
[PANTING]
747
00:41:06,200 --> 00:41:07,952
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
748
00:41:09,880 --> 00:41:11,871
Why don't you just let that
go to voicemail?
749
00:41:12,040 --> 00:41:13,519
Ha-ha-ha.
750
00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:17,113
That's a fake laugh, by the way.
751
00:41:19,640 --> 00:41:23,997
It's got, uh, Ted Danson and Magnum
P.I. and that Jewish actor.
752
00:41:24,160 --> 00:41:25,718
Shut up, Alan.
753
00:41:25,880 --> 00:41:28,189
- What room was it again?
- It's 825.
754
00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:30,669
WOMAN:
I know, I did. I already checked with her.
755
00:41:30,840 --> 00:41:35,038
I found him, I'll call you back.
Thank God, he's with his father.
756
00:41:35,200 --> 00:41:38,988
I was freaking out.
I missed you, sweetie.
757
00:41:39,160 --> 00:41:41,390
And I miss you.
758
00:41:41,560 --> 00:41:43,118
[JADE MOANING]
759
00:41:45,040 --> 00:41:46,393
No.
760
00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:48,398
What the hell happened
to you guys?
761
00:41:48,560 --> 00:41:50,516
Actually, we were hoping
you could tell us.
762
00:41:50,680 --> 00:41:53,478
What do you mean? I got up this
morning, I went to get coffee...
763
00:41:53,640 --> 00:41:55,551
...and I came back and you were gone.
764
00:41:57,240 --> 00:42:00,869
- Why are you being so quiet?
- I'm not being quiet.
765
00:42:01,240 --> 00:42:02,958
Ha, ha. You're so cute.
766
00:42:03,120 --> 00:42:06,112
Yeah, I gotta feed Tyler.
Come inside, you guys.
767
00:42:07,800 --> 00:42:10,268
Did you hear that? Baby's name is Tyler.
768
00:42:10,440 --> 00:42:13,637
Yeah. I thought he looked
more like a Carlos too, bud.
769
00:42:16,920 --> 00:42:20,276
Okay, what's up?
You guys are acting weird.
770
00:42:20,440 --> 00:42:23,238
- Look, it's Jade, right?
- Very funny, Phil.
771
00:42:23,720 --> 00:42:27,076
Right, Jade, uh, ahem,
you remember our friend, Doug.
772
00:42:27,240 --> 00:42:28,992
Are you kidding? He was the best man.
773
00:42:29,160 --> 00:42:31,799
Exactly. Well, we can't find him,
and we're getting worried.
774
00:42:31,960 --> 00:42:34,838
JADE:
Oh, my God, that is so Doug.
775
00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:36,592
Ha, ha. Oh.
776
00:42:36,760 --> 00:42:38,113
[CRYING]
777
00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:40,350
Oh, sweetie, I'm...
I'm gonna go clean him off.
778
00:42:40,520 --> 00:42:42,431
It's all right, Daddy didn't mean it.
779
00:42:42,600 --> 00:42:43,828
Oh, my God.
780
00:42:44,000 --> 00:42:46,036
What the fuck, man,
you gotta hold it together.
781
00:42:46,200 --> 00:42:47,792
- Holy shit.
- She is super hot.
782
00:42:47,960 --> 00:42:51,111
- You should be proud of yourself.
- She's wearing my grandmother's ring!
783
00:42:51,280 --> 00:42:53,157
- What?
- The ring I'm gonna give to Melissa.
784
00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:55,231
You remember,
my grandmother's Holocaust ring?
785
00:42:55,400 --> 00:42:57,391
- Fuck. Okay.
- She's wearing it.
786
00:42:57,560 --> 00:43:00,154
I didn't know they gave out rings
at the Holocaust.
787
00:43:01,240 --> 00:43:03,196
- He's okay.
PHIL: Oh, good.
788
00:43:03,360 --> 00:43:05,237
JADE: He was just hungry, he's fine.
- Oh, good.
789
00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:09,518
About last night, uh, ahem, do you
remember the last time you saw Doug?
790
00:43:09,680 --> 00:43:11,671
Uh, I haven't seen him
since the wedding.
791
00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:13,114
The wedding. Okay. Great.
792
00:43:13,280 --> 00:43:16,431
And, uh, we can't re...
What time was that at?
793
00:43:16,600 --> 00:43:18,989
Well, it was, um...
794
00:43:19,360 --> 00:43:20,759
[CLEARING THROAT]
795
00:43:20,920 --> 00:43:24,356
I guess it was around 1, because I had
to go back to work and finish my shift.
796
00:43:24,520 --> 00:43:27,318
And then when I got out I headed over
to the hotel with Tyler.
797
00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:28,754
And was Doug there then?
798
00:43:28,920 --> 00:43:32,151
I didn't see Doug because you guys were
passed out. The room was a wreck.
799
00:43:32,320 --> 00:43:34,356
- So I just curled up next to Stu.
PHIL: Uh-huh.
800
00:43:34,520 --> 00:43:36,158
- Rowr.
- Oh.
801
00:43:38,240 --> 00:43:40,993
I got a question.
Um, you said when your shift ended.
802
00:43:41,160 --> 00:43:45,233
Does that mean you're a nurse?
Or a blackjack dealer?
803
00:43:45,880 --> 00:43:48,440
- You know this. I'm a stripper.
- Mm-hm.
804
00:43:48,600 --> 00:43:50,158
Well, technically I'm an escort...
805
00:43:50,320 --> 00:43:52,197
...but stripping's a great way
to meet the clients.
806
00:43:52,360 --> 00:43:54,351
- Smart.
- Savvy.
807
00:43:54,520 --> 00:43:58,069
But that's all in the past,
now that I married a doctor.
808
00:43:58,240 --> 00:43:59,878
I'm just a dentist.
809
00:44:01,240 --> 00:44:02,593
- Las Vegas Police! Freeze!
- Okay.
810
00:44:02,760 --> 00:44:03,749
[TYLER CRYING]
811
00:44:03,920 --> 00:44:05,319
Shut that baby up! Shut that baby up!
812
00:44:05,480 --> 00:44:08,074
STU: Oh, God!
PHIL: Okay, okay, okay.
813
00:44:13,560 --> 00:44:15,949
After we take the mug shots,
we bring them down here...
814
00:44:16,120 --> 00:44:19,556
...where they wait to be interviewed
by the arresting officers.
815
00:44:19,720 --> 00:44:22,951
Trust me, kids, you do not
wanna be sitting on these benches.
816
00:44:23,120 --> 00:44:25,111
We call this place Loserville.
817
00:44:25,280 --> 00:44:26,838
[KIDS LAUGHING]
818
00:44:27,000 --> 00:44:29,878
FOLTZ: Follow me.
All right, let's do it. Come on.
819
00:44:31,640 --> 00:44:32,959
[SHUTTER CLICKS]
820
00:44:34,960 --> 00:44:36,109
Hello.
821
00:44:36,280 --> 00:44:39,272
- Hey, Tracy! It's Phil.
TRACY [OVER PHONE]: Hey, Phil.
822
00:44:39,440 --> 00:44:43,479
- Where are you guys?
- We are at the spa at the hotel.
823
00:44:43,640 --> 00:44:46,438
Cool. We're just getting some sun.
Is Doug around?
824
00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:48,238
Of course. Why wouldn't he be?
825
00:44:48,400 --> 00:44:50,516
I'm just wondering
why you're calling me.
826
00:44:50,680 --> 00:44:52,113
Um...
827
00:44:52,280 --> 00:44:55,431
We made a deal,
no talking to girlfriends or wives.
828
00:44:55,600 --> 00:44:58,831
So we're all calling each other's.
829
00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:00,399
TRACY:
Okay. What's up?
830
00:45:00,560 --> 00:45:02,232
Uh, you are not gonna believe this.
831
00:45:02,400 --> 00:45:04,436
We got comped an extra night
at the hotel.
832
00:45:04,600 --> 00:45:05,589
You did?
833
00:45:05,760 --> 00:45:08,399
Yeah. The suite is... It's ridiculous.
It's out of control.
834
00:45:08,560 --> 00:45:12,348
There's, like, room service and a butler.
I mean, just the works.
835
00:45:12,520 --> 00:45:14,317
We're thinking of spending the night...
836
00:45:14,480 --> 00:45:16,596
...and we're gonna come back
in the morning.
837
00:45:16,760 --> 00:45:19,957
You wanna stay an extra night?
But the wedding's tomorrow.
838
00:45:20,120 --> 00:45:23,476
That's why we're gonna get up early,
and we'll be back in plenty of time.
839
00:45:23,640 --> 00:45:25,835
Okay. Are you sure that's a good idea?
840
00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:28,594
Wenneck, Price, Garner. Room 3.
841
00:45:28,760 --> 00:45:30,910
Okay, Trace, I gotta go.
We'll talk to you later.
842
00:45:31,080 --> 00:45:32,354
Uh...
843
00:45:34,320 --> 00:45:36,470
- Come on, chop-chop.
- Okay, spin around.
844
00:45:37,880 --> 00:45:38,915
- That's it.
- Goddamn it.
845
00:45:39,080 --> 00:45:41,389
- Wait a second.
- I'll go over. I'll go over.
846
00:45:41,560 --> 00:45:43,391
PHIL: Stop pulling.
ALAN: Can you just...? Hold on.
847
00:45:43,560 --> 00:45:46,199
We got it. Alan, just relax.
And then just... There we go.
848
00:45:46,360 --> 00:45:47,679
Good.
849
00:45:49,640 --> 00:45:50,914
[DOOR OPENS]
850
00:45:53,440 --> 00:45:55,032
Gentlemen.
851
00:45:55,200 --> 00:45:57,998
We've got some good news,
and we've got some bad news.
852
00:45:58,160 --> 00:45:59,798
The good news is
we found your Mercedes.
853
00:45:59,960 --> 00:46:01,075
[PHIL CHUCKLES]
854
00:46:01,240 --> 00:46:02,753
- That's great news.
- That's great. See?
855
00:46:02,920 --> 00:46:07,152
Yeah, it's over at impound right now.
We picked it up at 5 a.m. this morning...
856
00:46:07,320 --> 00:46:09,356
...parked in the middle
of Las Vegas Boulevard.
857
00:46:10,040 --> 00:46:14,113
PHIL: In the middle. That's weird.
- Yeah, that is weird.
858
00:46:14,280 --> 00:46:15,315
There was also a note.
859
00:46:16,120 --> 00:46:21,035
It says, uh, "Couldn't find a meter,
but here's 4 bucks."
860
00:46:21,920 --> 00:46:23,956
The bad news is...
861
00:46:24,120 --> 00:46:26,793
...we can't get you in front of a judge
until Monday morning.
862
00:46:27,640 --> 00:46:30,996
Oh, no, uh, officer,
that's just impossible.
863
00:46:31,160 --> 00:46:33,355
No, we need to be in L.A.
tomorrow for a wedding.
864
00:46:33,520 --> 00:46:35,033
You stole a police car.
865
00:46:35,200 --> 00:46:38,237
We didn't steal anything.
Um, we found it.
866
00:46:38,400 --> 00:46:41,358
Yeah, if anything, we deserve a reward
or something, like a trophy.
867
00:46:42,160 --> 00:46:45,232
- I see assholes like you every day.
- Every fucking day.
868
00:46:45,400 --> 00:46:47,197
"Let's go to Vegas,
we'll all get drunk and laid!
869
00:46:47,360 --> 00:46:49,396
- Yeah. Whoo! Woo-hoo.
- Woo-hoo.
870
00:46:49,560 --> 00:46:52,438
Let's steal a cop car,
because it'd be really fucking funny."
871
00:46:52,600 --> 00:46:54,750
Think you gonna get away with it?
Not up in here.
872
00:46:54,920 --> 00:46:56,911
- Not up in here!
- Oh.
873
00:46:57,080 --> 00:46:58,877
Uh...
874
00:46:59,920 --> 00:47:01,319
Sir...
875
00:47:01,680 --> 00:47:02,999
...if I may, um...
876
00:47:03,160 --> 00:47:05,720
...I'm assuming that that squad car
belongs to one of you.
877
00:47:05,880 --> 00:47:07,518
- Yeah.
PHIL: Yeah.
878
00:47:07,680 --> 00:47:09,955
Look, I'm not a cop.
879
00:47:10,120 --> 00:47:13,078
I'm no hero. I'm a schoolteacher.
880
00:47:14,040 --> 00:47:17,191
But if one of my kids went missing
on a field trip...
881
00:47:18,120 --> 00:47:19,712
...that would look really bad on me.
882
00:47:20,960 --> 00:47:23,758
- What are you getting at?
- Yeah, Phil, what are you getting at?
883
00:47:23,920 --> 00:47:27,151
No one wants to look bad.
We gotta get to a wedding...
884
00:47:27,320 --> 00:47:29,470
...and you guys don't need people
talking about...
885
00:47:29,640 --> 00:47:33,519
...how some obnoxious tourists
borrowed your squad car last night.
886
00:47:33,680 --> 00:47:36,478
But look, the point is,
I think we can work out a deal.
887
00:47:36,640 --> 00:47:38,471
Discreetly of course, ma'am.
888
00:47:39,440 --> 00:47:40,634
What do you say?
889
00:47:47,600 --> 00:47:49,477
[LAUGHS]
890
00:47:49,640 --> 00:47:50,914
FRANKLIN:
Let me ask you a question:
891
00:47:51,080 --> 00:47:56,438
Do, uh, any of you gentlemen have a
heart condition or anything like that?
892
00:47:56,680 --> 00:47:58,830
Uh, no.
893
00:47:59,000 --> 00:48:01,468
Okay, kids,
you're in for a real treat today.
894
00:48:01,640 --> 00:48:04,438
These gentlemen have kindly volunteered
to demonstrate...
895
00:48:04,600 --> 00:48:07,239
...how a stun gun is used
to subdue a suspect.
896
00:48:07,400 --> 00:48:08,435
KIDS:
Ooh!
897
00:48:08,600 --> 00:48:09,999
- That's right.
- Wait a sec. What?
898
00:48:10,160 --> 00:48:13,038
Now, there's two ways to use
a stun gun. Up close and personal.
899
00:48:13,200 --> 00:48:14,349
[SCREAMS]
900
00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:15,714
[LAUGHING]
901
00:48:15,880 --> 00:48:18,758
- What the fuck?
- Or you can shoot it from a distance.
902
00:48:18,920 --> 00:48:20,114
Do I have any volunteers?
903
00:48:20,280 --> 00:48:22,111
You wanna come up here
and do some shooting? Huh?
904
00:48:22,280 --> 00:48:25,477
All right, how about you, young lady?
Come on up here. All right.
905
00:48:25,640 --> 00:48:27,358
Let's go, handsome, come on.
906
00:48:27,520 --> 00:48:30,273
Not you, fat Jesus, slide it on back.
You, pretty boy.
907
00:48:30,840 --> 00:48:31,829
GIRL: Fat Jesus.
908
00:48:32,000 --> 00:48:33,319
FRANKLIN: All right, now,
it's real simple.
909
00:48:33,480 --> 00:48:35,630
All you gotta do is point,
aim and shoot.
910
00:48:35,800 --> 00:48:37,153
All right?
911
00:48:37,320 --> 00:48:40,278
Okay, look.
You don't really wanna do this.
912
00:48:40,440 --> 00:48:42,635
You can do this. Just focus.
913
00:48:42,800 --> 00:48:45,189
Don't listen to this maniac.
Let's think this through.
914
00:48:45,360 --> 00:48:46,634
Finish him!
915
00:48:46,800 --> 00:48:49,234
PHIL: Oh, fuck.
FRANKLIN: Yeah!
916
00:48:49,400 --> 00:48:50,549
[GRUNTING & FRANKLIN LAUGHING]
917
00:48:50,720 --> 00:48:52,756
Right in the nuts! That was beautiful.
918
00:48:52,920 --> 00:48:54,148
[KIDS LAUGH]
919
00:48:54,320 --> 00:48:57,949
- Well done. Give her a hand, everybody.
- Good job. Good job.
920
00:48:59,160 --> 00:49:01,993
Good job. Well done. Good job.
That was great.
921
00:49:02,520 --> 00:49:04,238
Good. Hey, we got
one more charge left.
922
00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:06,152
Anybody wanna do some
shooting up here?
923
00:49:08,080 --> 00:49:09,911
How about you, big man?
Come on up here.
924
00:49:26,200 --> 00:49:30,159
Okay, same instructions.
Just point, aim and shoot.
925
00:49:33,200 --> 00:49:35,589
There you go. That's the stuff.
926
00:49:35,760 --> 00:49:36,909
I like the intensity.
927
00:49:37,800 --> 00:49:39,552
Eye of the tiger. Good.
928
00:49:39,720 --> 00:49:43,599
You're holding 50,000 volts, little man.
Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.
929
00:49:44,600 --> 00:49:46,830
[GRUNTING]
930
00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:49,878
In the face! In the face!
931
00:49:50,040 --> 00:49:51,439
[LAUGHING]
932
00:49:51,600 --> 00:49:54,319
Oh, he's still up. He's still up.
933
00:49:54,480 --> 00:49:55,959
- Aah!
- No.
934
00:49:56,120 --> 00:49:57,678
All right, everybody relax, take it easy.
935
00:49:58,200 --> 00:50:01,670
We've seen it before.
He just needs a little extra charge.
936
00:50:01,840 --> 00:50:03,193
There we go.
937
00:50:03,360 --> 00:50:04,713
[FRANKLIN & GARDEN LAUGHING]
938
00:50:04,920 --> 00:50:07,514
Some of these big boys,
you gotta give them two shots.
939
00:50:07,680 --> 00:50:10,319
All right, kids, who wants to get
their fingerprints done, huh?
940
00:50:10,480 --> 00:50:11,469
Come on, let's go.
941
00:50:12,560 --> 00:50:15,518
STU:
Fuck those guys, you hear me?
942
00:50:15,680 --> 00:50:18,638
That was bullshit.
I'm telling everybody we stole a cop car.
943
00:50:18,800 --> 00:50:21,553
- They let us go, who cares?
- I care!
944
00:50:21,720 --> 00:50:22,709
You can't just do that.
945
00:50:22,880 --> 00:50:26,395
You can't just tase people
because you think it's funny.
946
00:50:26,560 --> 00:50:28,596
That's police brutality.
947
00:50:31,960 --> 00:50:34,349
I'm getting a soda.
Do you guys want anything?
948
00:50:34,520 --> 00:50:35,794
No.
949
00:50:39,240 --> 00:50:42,676
My man doesn't shut up. Jesus Christ.
950
00:50:44,280 --> 00:50:46,748
Alan, you okay?
951
00:50:47,680 --> 00:50:49,636
I'm just worried.
952
00:50:50,400 --> 00:50:52,595
What if something happened to Doug?
Something bad.
953
00:50:52,760 --> 00:50:54,318
Come on, you can't think like that.
954
00:50:54,880 --> 00:50:56,632
I mean, what if he's dead?
955
00:50:56,800 --> 00:51:00,349
I can't afford to lose anybody
close to me again. It hurts too much.
956
00:51:00,960 --> 00:51:03,952
- I was so upset when my grandpa died.
- Oh, I'm s... How'd he die?
957
00:51:04,760 --> 00:51:07,433
- World War II.
- Died in battle?
958
00:51:07,600 --> 00:51:10,831
No, he was skiing in Vermont.
It was just during World War II.
959
00:51:11,600 --> 00:51:12,953
Alan...
960
00:51:13,560 --> 00:51:15,630
...Doug is fine.
- Well, why hasn't he called?
961
00:51:15,800 --> 00:51:18,155
I don't know,
but we're gonna figure it out.
962
00:51:18,720 --> 00:51:22,599
I'll tell you another thing,
6-1 odds our car is beat to shit.
963
00:51:22,760 --> 00:51:23,749
Stu, not now.
964
00:51:23,920 --> 00:51:26,639
No, how much do you wanna bet
it's fucked beyond recognition?
965
00:51:26,800 --> 00:51:30,679
That's enough. Alan's seriously worried,
okay? Let's not freak him out any more.
966
00:51:34,200 --> 00:51:35,519
Sorry, Alan.
967
00:51:35,680 --> 00:51:36,874
You know what?
968
00:51:37,040 --> 00:51:40,589
We'll search the car for clues
and everything's gonna be okay.
969
00:51:40,760 --> 00:51:42,034
[CAR APPROACHING]
970
00:51:42,200 --> 00:51:44,111
PHIL: Oh, shit. I can't watch.
Just tell me what it looks like.
971
00:51:45,880 --> 00:51:48,269
STU:
Not looking. Not looking.
972
00:51:49,680 --> 00:51:52,592
- Wow. All right.
PHIL: Oh, thank God.
973
00:51:52,760 --> 00:51:54,352
You see?
974
00:51:55,000 --> 00:51:56,752
It's gonna be all right.
975
00:52:03,000 --> 00:52:05,389
- Anything?
STU: Hmm, I got a cigar.
976
00:52:05,560 --> 00:52:08,358
Oh, I found, uh...
These are some black shoes.
977
00:52:08,520 --> 00:52:10,431
- They women's shoes?
- I don't know.
978
00:52:11,800 --> 00:52:14,917
- Whose are those?
- I don't know. It's a men's size 6.
979
00:52:15,080 --> 00:52:17,548
- That's weird.
- What is this, a snakeskin?
980
00:52:17,720 --> 00:52:19,153
Oh, come on! Ew!
981
00:52:19,320 --> 00:52:21,880
- That's a used condom, Alan.
- Oh, God. Blech!
982
00:52:22,040 --> 00:52:24,076
- Get it out of the car.
STU: Gross, it's wet.
983
00:52:24,240 --> 00:52:26,515
- I don't want the thing.
- Hey! Come on.
984
00:52:26,680 --> 00:52:30,673
I got jizz on me. Jesus Christ, guys!
985
00:52:30,840 --> 00:52:33,400
STU: Get it out.
PHIL: Fuck!
986
00:52:33,760 --> 00:52:35,478
Oh, my God.
987
00:52:35,960 --> 00:52:39,589
All right, what the fuck, man?
We gotta get this shit together, guys!
988
00:52:39,760 --> 00:52:41,671
[THUMPING ON METAL]
989
00:52:42,200 --> 00:52:43,633
What was that?
990
00:52:44,080 --> 00:52:45,069
It's in the trunk.
991
00:52:45,920 --> 00:52:48,832
- Doug's in the trunk.
PHIL: Oh, fuck! Holy shit!
992
00:52:49,000 --> 00:52:50,831
Holy shit!
993
00:52:51,000 --> 00:52:53,036
- Open it! Open it! Open it!
PHIL: Okay, okay, okay.
994
00:52:53,200 --> 00:52:54,838
Okay, okay, okay.
995
00:52:55,000 --> 00:52:56,274
[MAN & PHIL GRUNTING]
996
00:52:56,440 --> 00:52:58,237
ALAN:
Oh God!
997
00:52:59,360 --> 00:53:01,396
Please! Please! Please stop!
998
00:53:03,360 --> 00:53:05,794
[STU GRUNTING]
999
00:53:08,920 --> 00:53:11,309
Whoa. I'm with you, I'm with you!
1000
00:53:11,480 --> 00:53:14,313
- You gonna fuck on me?
- Nobody's gonna fuck on you!
1001
00:53:14,480 --> 00:53:18,678
We're on your side. I hate Godzilla!
I hate him too. I hate him!
1002
00:53:18,840 --> 00:53:21,673
He destroys cities! Please!
1003
00:53:21,840 --> 00:53:24,559
This isn't your fault.
I'll get you some pants.
1004
00:53:24,920 --> 00:53:26,831
[GRUNTING]
1005
00:53:29,840 --> 00:53:32,434
PHIL:
What the fuck was that?
1006
00:53:33,720 --> 00:53:37,759
STU: I have internal bleeding.
Somebody call 911.
1007
00:53:37,920 --> 00:53:40,559
That was some fucked up shit.
1008
00:53:40,720 --> 00:53:44,235
Who was that guy? He was so mean.
1009
00:53:46,040 --> 00:53:48,474
Guys, there's something
I need to tell you.
1010
00:53:49,560 --> 00:53:53,314
Last night on the roof,
before we went out...
1011
00:53:54,480 --> 00:53:57,119
...I slipped something
in our Jägermeister.
1012
00:53:57,920 --> 00:54:00,593
- What?
- I'm sorry, I fudged up, guys.
1013
00:54:01,800 --> 00:54:05,110
- You drugged us?
- No, I didn't drug you.
1014
00:54:05,280 --> 00:54:07,475
I was told it was ecstasy.
1015
00:54:07,640 --> 00:54:09,835
Well, who told you it was ecstasy?
1016
00:54:10,000 --> 00:54:11,956
The guy I bought it from
at the liquor store.
1017
00:54:12,120 --> 00:54:13,712
Why would you give us ecstasy?
1018
00:54:13,880 --> 00:54:17,236
I wanted everybody to have a good time
and I knew you guys wouldn't take it.
1019
00:54:17,400 --> 00:54:20,278
It was just one hit each.
I used to do three hits a night.
1020
00:54:21,200 --> 00:54:24,397
But it wasn't ecstasy, Alan,
it was roofies!
1021
00:54:24,560 --> 00:54:25,959
ALAN:
You think I knew that, Stu?
1022
00:54:26,440 --> 00:54:29,238
The guy I bought it from
seemed like a real straight shooter.
1023
00:54:29,400 --> 00:54:32,233
You mean the drug dealer at
the liquor store wasn't a good guy?
1024
00:54:32,400 --> 00:54:33,389
Let's just calm down.
1025
00:54:33,560 --> 00:54:38,793
You fucking calm down! He drugged us.
I lost a tooth. I married a whore.
1026
00:54:38,960 --> 00:54:42,748
- How dare you! She's a nice lady.
- You are such a fucking moron.
1027
00:54:42,920 --> 00:54:45,639
- Your language is offensive.
STU: Fuck you!
1028
00:54:45,800 --> 00:54:48,109
All right,
let's just take a deep breath, okay?
1029
00:54:48,880 --> 00:54:50,279
Seriously, this is a good thing.
1030
00:54:50,440 --> 00:54:54,194
At least it's not some stranger who
drugged us for God knows what reason.
1031
00:54:54,360 --> 00:54:57,955
Yeah, you're right, Phil,
it's totally a good thing.
1032
00:54:58,120 --> 00:55:00,350
We're so much better off now.
1033
00:55:00,520 --> 00:55:04,035
Here's something
I would like to remind you two of:
1034
00:55:04,200 --> 00:55:08,318
Our best friend Doug is probably
facedown in a ditch right now...
1035
00:55:08,480 --> 00:55:11,313
...with a meth-head butt-fucking
his corpse.
1036
00:55:11,480 --> 00:55:13,516
- That's highly unlikely.
- It's true.
1037
00:55:13,680 --> 00:55:17,229
Does not help. All right,
let's get our shit together, guys.
1038
00:55:17,400 --> 00:55:20,517
Let's go back to the hotel,
and I'm gonna make a couple calls.
1039
00:55:20,680 --> 00:55:22,591
Maybe Doug's back there.
Maybe he's asleep.
1040
00:55:22,760 --> 00:55:24,751
Come on. Let's go.
1041
00:55:24,920 --> 00:55:29,277
- Stu? Little help?
STU: Shut up.
1042
00:55:32,000 --> 00:55:34,753
ALAN: Ow.
- Oh, God. Oh, God, are you okay?
1043
00:55:34,920 --> 00:55:37,354
ALAN: Yeah, I'm fine.
- Alan, I'm sorry.
1044
00:55:47,360 --> 00:55:49,271
Wait, guys. Guys.
1045
00:55:49,440 --> 00:55:51,237
What about the tiger?
What if he got out?
1046
00:55:51,400 --> 00:55:55,871
Oh, fuck. I keep forgetting
about the goddamn tiger.
1047
00:55:56,280 --> 00:55:57,713
How the fuck did he get in there?
1048
00:55:58,160 --> 00:56:01,072
I don't know,
because I don't remember.
1049
00:56:01,240 --> 00:56:03,071
Shh. Stu. Stu, keep it down.
1050
00:56:03,240 --> 00:56:06,516
Because one of the, uh, side effects
of, uh, roofies is memory loss.
1051
00:56:07,960 --> 00:56:10,679
You are literally too stupid to insult.
1052
00:56:11,240 --> 00:56:13,595
- Thank you.
- Hey.
1053
00:56:15,520 --> 00:56:17,875
[PHIL COLLINS' "IN THE AIR TONIGHT"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
1054
00:56:18,040 --> 00:56:19,996
Hey, come on.
1055
00:56:23,000 --> 00:56:25,036
Did we leave the music on?
1056
00:56:25,320 --> 00:56:26,639
Hey. Shh.
1057
00:56:28,400 --> 00:56:30,868
Don't make any sudden movements.
1058
00:56:32,360 --> 00:56:33,349
- Unh. Whoa!
- Aah!
1059
00:56:33,520 --> 00:56:35,238
- Who the hell are you?
- No, who are you?
1060
00:56:35,400 --> 00:56:36,435
MAN:
Quiet, quiet.
1061
00:56:40,040 --> 00:56:41,393
Mike Tyson?
1062
00:56:41,560 --> 00:56:45,235
Shh. This is my favorite part
coming up right now.
1063
00:56:48,600 --> 00:56:51,797
[MIKE SINGING "IN THE AIR TONIGHT"]
1064
00:56:53,560 --> 00:56:54,595
Need a chorus line, guys.
1065
00:56:54,760 --> 00:56:56,671
[SINGING CHORUS]
1066
00:56:58,160 --> 00:57:00,071
[CONTINUES SINGING]
1067
00:57:03,000 --> 00:57:04,228
One more time, guys.
1068
00:57:04,400 --> 00:57:06,197
[SINGING CHORUS]
1069
00:57:06,360 --> 00:57:07,554
PHIL:
Oh, Jesus!
1070
00:57:08,720 --> 00:57:09,948
Oh, fuck!
1071
00:57:10,680 --> 00:57:11,795
Why did you do that?
1072
00:57:12,680 --> 00:57:16,116
Mr. Tyson would like to know
why is his tiger in your bathroom.
1073
00:57:16,280 --> 00:57:18,510
Hold on,
that was completely unnecessary.
1074
00:57:18,680 --> 00:57:21,114
I'm a huge fan. When you knocked out
Holmes, that was...
1075
00:57:21,280 --> 00:57:22,998
Explain.
1076
00:57:23,480 --> 00:57:25,391
All right, look,
we were drugged last night.
1077
00:57:25,560 --> 00:57:27,039
We have no memory
of what happened.
1078
00:57:27,200 --> 00:57:28,189
STU:
It's true.
1079
00:57:28,360 --> 00:57:31,670
We got in all kinds of trouble last night
and now we can't find our friend.
1080
00:57:31,840 --> 00:57:34,673
If you wanna kill us,
go ahead because I don't care anymore.
1081
00:57:34,840 --> 00:57:36,751
- What are you talking about?
- I don't care.
1082
00:57:36,920 --> 00:57:39,229
Why the fuck
would you wanna steal his tiger?
1083
00:57:39,400 --> 00:57:42,312
We tend to do dumb shit
when we're fucked up.
1084
00:57:42,480 --> 00:57:46,029
- I don't believe these guys, man.
- Wait, how did you guys find us?
1085
00:57:46,200 --> 00:57:49,829
One of you dropped your jacket.
Found it in the tigers' cage this morning.
1086
00:57:50,000 --> 00:57:51,274
That's Doug's.
1087
00:57:51,440 --> 00:57:54,477
Yeah, Doug.
His wallet and his room key is in there.
1088
00:57:54,640 --> 00:57:57,359
- No, that's our missing friend.
LEONARD: I don't give a fuck.
1089
00:57:57,520 --> 00:57:59,511
- Did you guys see him?
MIKE: I was fast asleep.
1090
00:57:59,680 --> 00:58:02,513
Because if he was up, this
wouldn't have gone down so smoothly.
1091
00:58:02,680 --> 00:58:04,511
Maybe one of the tigers
ate his ass like Omar.
1092
00:58:05,040 --> 00:58:06,075
Respect.
1093
00:58:06,240 --> 00:58:07,275
Wha...? What happened to Omar?
1094
00:58:07,440 --> 00:58:09,715
Oh, don't worry about Omar,
he's not with us no more.
1095
00:58:09,880 --> 00:58:12,030
Okay, I know this is asking a lot...
1096
00:58:12,200 --> 00:58:15,033
...but do you think we could
go to your house and look around...
1097
00:58:15,200 --> 00:58:16,838
...see if there's any clues?
1098
00:58:17,000 --> 00:58:21,039
Absolutely. How else you think
we're gonna get the tiger back anyway?
1099
00:58:21,200 --> 00:58:24,033
- Come on, champ.
- I'm sorry?
1100
00:58:24,600 --> 00:58:28,434
We're not gonna put it in the Bentley.
You brought it here, you bring it back.
1101
00:58:28,600 --> 00:58:30,955
What you think, about 40 minutes?
1102
00:58:31,360 --> 00:58:33,749
Don't make me come back for him.
1103
00:58:37,320 --> 00:58:40,232
- That was Mike Tyson.
- Yeah, no shit that was Mike Tyson.
1104
00:58:40,400 --> 00:58:42,038
I'm just saying, he's still got it.
1105
00:58:43,320 --> 00:58:44,753
PHIL:
Alan.
1106
00:58:44,920 --> 00:58:45,909
Bud, are you okay?
1107
00:58:46,080 --> 00:58:47,433
STU: Oh, my God.
- Shit!
1108
00:58:47,600 --> 00:58:48,794
Fuck, where'd he get him?
1109
00:58:48,960 --> 00:58:49,949
Hey.
1110
00:58:55,040 --> 00:58:56,519
STU:
This does not seem fair.
1111
00:58:57,560 --> 00:59:00,438
PHIL: It's Rock, Paper, Scissors.
There's nothing more fair.
1112
00:59:00,600 --> 00:59:03,751
- Alan should do it.
- Alan took a punch from Mike Tyson.
1113
00:59:03,920 --> 00:59:05,876
Come on. For Doug.
1114
00:59:06,040 --> 00:59:09,157
Why are you peppering the steak?
You don't know if tigers like pepper.
1115
00:59:09,320 --> 00:59:12,312
Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.
1116
00:59:14,680 --> 00:59:17,353
Phil, just do it. You should do it.
1117
00:59:17,520 --> 00:59:20,671
I would, but you lost.
It wouldn't be right.
1118
00:59:20,840 --> 00:59:23,479
Okay, I jammed five roofies in there.
1119
00:59:23,640 --> 00:59:25,995
Just go in there and throw it in to him.
1120
00:59:26,920 --> 00:59:28,433
Fine.
1121
00:59:29,560 --> 00:59:31,073
Make sure he eats the whole thing.
1122
00:59:36,600 --> 00:59:38,033
Fuck.
1123
00:59:38,200 --> 00:59:39,918
Oh, fuck.
1124
00:59:42,600 --> 00:59:44,318
Hey, kitty.
1125
00:59:44,840 --> 00:59:48,674
Hey, sweetie, it's okay.
I got a little snack for you.
1126
00:59:48,840 --> 00:59:51,479
Real important that you eat this, okay?
1127
00:59:52,200 --> 00:59:54,350
Yeah, just have a little...
1128
00:59:54,520 --> 00:59:55,635
[TIGER ROARING]
1129
00:59:55,800 --> 00:59:57,074
[SCREAMS]
1130
00:59:57,560 --> 00:59:58,549
Shit!
1131
00:59:58,720 --> 01:00:00,233
[PANTING]
1132
01:00:01,120 --> 01:00:02,235
What do we do now?
1133
01:00:03,080 --> 01:00:04,672
We wait.
1134
01:00:14,120 --> 01:00:17,157
[SINGING]
What do tigers dream of
1135
01:00:17,320 --> 01:00:20,756
When they take a little tiger snooze?
1136
01:00:20,920 --> 01:00:23,992
Do they dream of mauling zebras
1137
01:00:24,160 --> 01:00:28,119
Or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit?
1138
01:00:28,280 --> 01:00:30,999
Don 't you worry your pretty striped head
1139
01:00:31,160 --> 01:00:34,869
We're gonna get you back to Tyson
And your cozy tiger bed
1140
01:00:35,040 --> 01:00:38,077
And then we're gonna find
Our best friend Doug
1141
01:00:38,240 --> 01:00:41,710
And then we're gonna give him
A best-friend hug
1142
01:00:41,880 --> 01:00:43,393
Doug
1143
01:00:43,560 --> 01:00:45,278
Doug
1144
01:00:45,440 --> 01:00:49,752
Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug
1145
01:00:49,920 --> 01:00:54,835
But if he's been murdered
By crystal-meth tweakers
1146
01:00:55,000 --> 01:00:56,274
[TIGER GROANS AND THUDS]
1147
01:00:56,600 --> 01:00:59,433
Well, then we're shit out of luck
1148
01:01:04,720 --> 01:01:06,995
By the way, we're all gonna die.
1149
01:01:11,160 --> 01:01:12,513
ALAN:
Wait.
1150
01:01:16,120 --> 01:01:17,235
PHIL: Oh, God.
ALAN: Watch it!
1151
01:01:17,400 --> 01:01:20,597
STU:
His nose. That's his nose.
1152
01:01:32,600 --> 01:01:35,160
Hey, guys, when's the next
Halley's comet?
1153
01:01:36,080 --> 01:01:38,958
- Who cares, man?
- Do you know, Stu?
1154
01:01:39,480 --> 01:01:42,517
I don't think it's for, like,
another 60 years or something.
1155
01:01:42,680 --> 01:01:45,513
- But it's not tonight, right?
- No, I don't think so.
1156
01:01:45,680 --> 01:01:47,511
But you don't know for sure?
1157
01:01:47,680 --> 01:01:49,238
No.
1158
01:01:49,400 --> 01:01:51,868
I got this cousin who saw one.
He said it blew his mind.
1159
01:01:52,040 --> 01:01:54,838
I wanna make sure I never, ever miss out
on a Halley's Comet.
1160
01:01:55,000 --> 01:01:57,195
So if you guys
know if there's gonna be one...
1161
01:01:57,360 --> 01:01:58,349
Oh, fuck!
1162
01:01:58,520 --> 01:02:00,875
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY
& TIGER ROARING]
1163
01:02:05,360 --> 01:02:07,157
[SCREAMING]
1164
01:02:08,840 --> 01:02:10,831
[CAR HORNS HONKING]
1165
01:02:17,640 --> 01:02:18,834
- Oh, my God!
PHIL: Fuck it!
1166
01:02:19,440 --> 01:02:21,715
Stu! Stu, it got me! Stu!
1167
01:02:21,880 --> 01:02:24,235
You got clawed! You're bleeding!
1168
01:02:26,600 --> 01:02:28,192
- Oh.
ALAN: I'm panicking.
1169
01:02:28,360 --> 01:02:29,918
- Aah!
PHIL: Oh, my God.
1170
01:02:30,400 --> 01:02:32,516
Okay. Okay, okay. Wait, hold on.
1171
01:02:32,680 --> 01:02:34,272
[GROWLING]
1172
01:02:39,920 --> 01:02:41,194
[GROWLS]
1173
01:02:41,560 --> 01:02:42,549
I can't do it.
1174
01:02:42,720 --> 01:02:43,948
PHIL: Get your fucking hand
back in there...
1175
01:02:44,120 --> 01:02:45,872
...and steer the car.
- I'm too nervous.
1176
01:02:46,040 --> 01:02:48,634
STU: Alan. We need you, buddy.
This is your time to shine, okay?
1177
01:02:48,800 --> 01:02:50,677
Okay, yeah. Whew.
1178
01:02:51,120 --> 01:02:52,109
Daddy's gonna kill me.
1179
01:02:52,280 --> 01:02:53,872
- That's it.
PHIL: That's good.
1180
01:02:54,040 --> 01:02:55,871
Keep it straight.
1181
01:02:58,920 --> 01:03:00,672
[DOORBELL RINGS]
1182
01:03:04,880 --> 01:03:06,518
- You're late.
- Whatever, man.
1183
01:03:06,680 --> 01:03:08,398
We had to push it the last mile.
1184
01:03:08,560 --> 01:03:11,279
Come on in. Mike's got something
he wants to show you.
1185
01:03:13,760 --> 01:03:15,671
[TIGER GROANING]
1186
01:03:16,240 --> 01:03:19,232
That thing's out of control, man.
Seriously, you gotta put it down.
1187
01:03:21,480 --> 01:03:24,278
When we got back,
we took a look at the security cameras.
1188
01:03:24,440 --> 01:03:25,509
Great.
1189
01:03:27,840 --> 01:03:29,990
PHIL [ON VIDEO]: This is how you walk.
This is how you walk.
1190
01:03:30,160 --> 01:03:33,391
- Oh, it's Doug.
- Oh, thank God he's alive.
1191
01:03:33,560 --> 01:03:36,552
That's our buddy.
That's who we've been missing.
1192
01:03:36,720 --> 01:03:37,914
We're all best friends.
1193
01:03:38,080 --> 01:03:40,594
Why don't you just pay attention?
I don't have all night.
1194
01:03:40,760 --> 01:03:42,034
Yeah, of course. Of course.
1195
01:03:43,400 --> 01:03:44,674
STU: What are you doing?
1196
01:03:44,840 --> 01:03:46,592
ALAN: Hey, guys. Check it out.
Watch this.
1197
01:03:46,760 --> 01:03:50,196
That's me, I'm on TV.
I've never been on TV before.
1198
01:03:50,360 --> 01:03:51,395
DOUG:
What are you doing, man?
1199
01:03:51,560 --> 01:03:53,710
Really? Really, Alan?
1200
01:03:54,280 --> 01:03:55,429
DOUG:
You got a fire hose, man?
1201
01:03:57,240 --> 01:03:58,275
Yeah, I was, uh...
1202
01:03:58,440 --> 01:03:59,839
[DOUG LAUGHING ON VIDEO]
1203
01:04:00,040 --> 01:04:02,873
STU:
You're gonna overflow the pool, man.
1204
01:04:03,840 --> 01:04:06,798
- Maybe... Should I wait outside?
- I think that's a good idea, Alan.
1205
01:04:07,000 --> 01:04:08,069
ALAN:
Yeah.
1206
01:04:09,720 --> 01:04:11,597
Don't touch anything out there, either.
1207
01:04:12,240 --> 01:04:15,710
You know what? He's not our good fr...
We don't know him that well.
1208
01:04:17,800 --> 01:04:20,439
PHIL:
Come on. Come on, come on.
1209
01:04:20,840 --> 01:04:22,796
By the way,
where you get that cop car from?
1210
01:04:22,960 --> 01:04:25,679
We, uh, stole it from
these dumb-ass cops.
1211
01:04:25,840 --> 01:04:26,955
Nice.
1212
01:04:27,120 --> 01:04:29,315
[LAUGHING]
1213
01:04:29,480 --> 01:04:31,948
High five that one.
1214
01:04:32,120 --> 01:04:33,838
Yeah, that's nice.
1215
01:04:34,000 --> 01:04:35,399
PHIL:
You know, I just have to say...
1216
01:04:35,560 --> 01:04:38,916
...I have never seen a more beautiful,
elegant, just regal creature.
1217
01:04:39,080 --> 01:04:41,469
PHIL: Check it out. Stu. Stu.
Fuck this tiger.
1218
01:04:41,640 --> 01:04:44,916
STU: Oh, my God. That's awful.
MIKE: Oh, man.
1219
01:04:45,080 --> 01:04:46,069
[STU LAUGHING ON VIDEO]
1220
01:04:46,240 --> 01:04:48,913
PHIL [OVER TV]: Oh, shit.
- Who does shit like that, man?
1221
01:04:49,760 --> 01:04:53,548
Someone who has a lot of issues,
obviously. I'm a sick man.
1222
01:04:53,960 --> 01:04:55,837
DOUG:
Oh, my God.
1223
01:04:57,040 --> 01:04:58,155
That's all we got.
1224
01:04:58,880 --> 01:05:01,792
This was hugely helpful.
1225
01:05:01,960 --> 01:05:04,758
Really. Because now we know
that our buddy Doug...
1226
01:05:04,920 --> 01:05:07,718
...was with us at 3:30, totally alive.
1227
01:05:08,160 --> 01:05:13,188
Thanks again, champ. And, uh, again,
we are so sorry we stole your tiger.
1228
01:05:13,360 --> 01:05:14,509
Don't worry about it, man.
1229
01:05:14,680 --> 01:05:17,114
Like you said, we all do dumb shit
when we're fucked up.
1230
01:05:17,280 --> 01:05:19,316
[LAUGHING]
1231
01:05:19,480 --> 01:05:22,199
- I told you he'd get it.
- I did say that.
1232
01:05:25,880 --> 01:05:28,269
You know, everyone says
Mike Tyson is such a badass...
1233
01:05:28,440 --> 01:05:31,000
...but I think he's kind of a sweetheart.
1234
01:05:31,160 --> 01:05:32,991
I think he's mean.
1235
01:05:33,160 --> 01:05:36,357
All right. I think it's officially time
we call Tracy.
1236
01:05:36,520 --> 01:05:40,274
Hallelujah. Finally, Phil says something
that makes sense.
1237
01:05:40,440 --> 01:05:43,273
We don't have much of a choice.
And maybe she's heard from Doug.
1238
01:05:43,440 --> 01:05:45,351
That's what I been saying
this whole time.
1239
01:05:46,440 --> 01:05:49,671
We just need to be completely honest.
We need to tell her everything.
1240
01:05:51,200 --> 01:05:54,158
We don't have to tell her everything.
We can leave out the stuff...
1241
01:05:54,320 --> 01:05:56,436
...about me marrying a hooker.
1242
01:05:56,600 --> 01:05:59,068
Just stay focused on Doug.
1243
01:05:59,240 --> 01:06:02,357
- What am I gonna tell my dad?
- Alan, relax. It's just the inside.
1244
01:06:02,520 --> 01:06:05,239
Come on. I got a guy in L.A.
who's great with interiors.
1245
01:06:06,200 --> 01:06:08,111
[SCREAMING]
1246
01:06:09,200 --> 01:06:11,760
[PHIL, ALAN & STU GRUNTING]
1247
01:06:11,920 --> 01:06:13,148
[PHIL COUGHING]
1248
01:06:15,320 --> 01:06:18,710
- Oh, Jesus!
STU: Oh, my God.
1249
01:06:22,200 --> 01:06:24,395
- Are you guys okay?
PHIL: What the fuck?
1250
01:06:32,720 --> 01:06:36,110
I know that guy.
That's the guy from the trunk.
1251
01:06:36,640 --> 01:06:39,393
Get out of the car. Please.
1252
01:06:40,440 --> 01:06:42,715
STU: W... W... Wait.
Those are the guys that shot Eddie.
1253
01:06:42,880 --> 01:06:43,949
[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
1254
01:06:44,120 --> 01:06:45,189
- Listen...
MAN 1: Let's go!
1255
01:06:45,360 --> 01:06:46,998
- Okay.
- Oh, no.
1256
01:06:47,160 --> 01:06:48,593
STU: Easy, easy.
MAN 2: Come on.
1257
01:06:48,760 --> 01:06:50,273
PHIL:
Okay. All right.
1258
01:06:50,440 --> 01:06:52,317
- All right, all right.
MAN 2: Let's go.
1259
01:06:52,840 --> 01:06:56,071
Hey, relax. Ow. Ow. Ow!
1260
01:06:56,240 --> 01:06:58,196
- I have whiplash.
- Get this other fat boy.
1261
01:06:58,360 --> 01:06:59,759
Get the fat boy.
1262
01:06:59,920 --> 01:07:00,909
ALAN:
Hey, hey, hey.
1263
01:07:01,080 --> 01:07:03,878
PHIL: All right, all right.
STU: Hey, take it easy, take it easy!
1264
01:07:04,440 --> 01:07:08,638
I want my purse back, assholes.
1265
01:07:09,840 --> 01:07:12,718
- What? Your purse?
- That's not a purse, it's a satchel.
1266
01:07:12,880 --> 01:07:17,271
It's a purse. Okay?
And you steal from wrong guy.
1267
01:07:17,440 --> 01:07:20,034
Wait a second, wait a second.
We stole from you?
1268
01:07:20,200 --> 01:07:21,235
Okay, you know what?
1269
01:07:21,400 --> 01:07:24,631
We don't remember anything
that happened last night...
1270
01:07:24,800 --> 01:07:26,870
...so help us out a little here.
1271
01:07:27,040 --> 01:07:30,999
Well, apparently you guys met
at a craps table late last night.
1272
01:07:31,160 --> 01:07:33,390
You were on a heater,
and he played your hot streak.
1273
01:07:33,560 --> 01:07:35,073
He ended up winning
just under 80 grand.
1274
01:07:35,240 --> 01:07:36,912
No shit? Eighty grand is nice.
1275
01:07:37,080 --> 01:07:38,115
Okay, that's good.
1276
01:07:38,280 --> 01:07:41,397
He put the chips in his purse,
and then you guys took off with it.
1277
01:07:41,560 --> 01:07:43,198
That doesn't sound like us.
1278
01:07:43,360 --> 01:07:48,832
Mine had $80,000 inside.
And this one? Nothing.
1279
01:07:49,000 --> 01:07:50,592
Hey, there are Skittles in there.
1280
01:07:51,000 --> 01:07:53,070
Ow! Oh, not again.
1281
01:07:53,240 --> 01:07:54,434
[LAUGHING]
1282
01:07:54,600 --> 01:07:56,955
Don't let the beard fool you.
He's a child.
1283
01:07:57,120 --> 01:07:58,997
It's funny because he's fat.
1284
01:07:59,160 --> 01:08:02,470
Now, look, this was obviously
a very simple misunderstanding.
1285
01:08:02,640 --> 01:08:05,313
Alan picked up the wrong purse,
it's no big deal.
1286
01:08:05,480 --> 01:08:09,155
Okay, if it's, "No big deal,"
why, when I come after you guys...
1287
01:08:09,320 --> 01:08:12,995
...he starts screaming like crazy and
throw me in trunk?
1288
01:08:13,200 --> 01:08:14,189
What, I did that?
1289
01:08:14,360 --> 01:08:15,952
Yeah, you said he was
your lucky charm...
1290
01:08:16,120 --> 01:08:17,792
...and you want to take him
home with you.
1291
01:08:17,960 --> 01:08:19,552
[PHIL AND STU LAUGH]
1292
01:08:19,720 --> 01:08:21,756
- Lucky charm.
- Oh, it's just funny.
1293
01:08:21,920 --> 01:08:23,672
[LAUGHING]
1294
01:08:23,840 --> 01:08:24,909
Fuck you.
1295
01:08:26,160 --> 01:08:30,358
If you want to see your friend again,
you get me my 80 grand.
1296
01:08:30,520 --> 01:08:31,919
- What?
- Our friend?
1297
01:08:32,080 --> 01:08:34,116
- You have Doug?
PHIL: You know about our friend?
1298
01:08:34,280 --> 01:08:35,633
[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
1299
01:08:35,800 --> 01:08:37,677
- Doug!
- Doug!
1300
01:08:38,600 --> 01:08:41,876
- Doug's in the car! Doug's in the car!
- Doug, it's okay!
1301
01:08:42,040 --> 01:08:43,758
You chill out, goatee!
1302
01:08:44,240 --> 01:08:47,915
- Okay, okay. All right, fine, fine.
- What do you want?
1303
01:08:48,080 --> 01:08:50,833
Not so good now.
Quid pro quo, douche bag.
1304
01:08:51,000 --> 01:08:52,069
What?
1305
01:08:52,240 --> 01:08:54,834
Look, we're very sorry.
But this is an easy fix.
1306
01:08:55,000 --> 01:08:56,991
- Alan, where's his purse?
- I don't know.
1307
01:08:57,160 --> 01:08:59,594
- It's in the hotel room, right?
- Yeah, we can get it.
1308
01:08:59,760 --> 01:09:02,513
We can get you the... We can even
write you a check right now.
1309
01:09:02,680 --> 01:09:04,079
No chance. Cash only.
1310
01:09:04,240 --> 01:09:06,674
- There's a person in there.
CHOW: Boring.
1311
01:09:06,840 --> 01:09:08,193
[YAWNS]
1312
01:09:08,360 --> 01:09:09,918
Take nap. Come on.
1313
01:09:10,120 --> 01:09:11,792
Wait. I'm sorry we're boring you!
1314
01:09:11,960 --> 01:09:15,316
PHIL: Doug, it's okay.
- You kidnapped our friend! Kidnapper!
1315
01:09:15,480 --> 01:09:16,469
PHIL: Wait.
1316
01:09:16,640 --> 01:09:18,358
STU: Oh, no.
You're not going anywhere.
1317
01:09:18,920 --> 01:09:20,273
Stop.
1318
01:09:20,760 --> 01:09:22,512
Stop. Run me over.
1319
01:09:23,200 --> 01:09:25,555
- Okay. Whoa. Whoa.
PHIL: Stu, Stu, Stu.
1320
01:09:26,960 --> 01:09:31,238
Bring money to Big Rock
in Mojave Desert at dawn.
1321
01:09:31,400 --> 01:09:35,518
- What?
- Toodle-oo, motherfucker.
1322
01:09:38,040 --> 01:09:42,079
Well, at least take the bag
off his head! Fuck!
1323
01:09:43,640 --> 01:09:45,039
Oh!
1324
01:09:53,080 --> 01:09:54,911
Come on, get out of here.
1325
01:10:00,200 --> 01:10:02,634
Guys, I'm telling you, I looked
for it this morning before we left.
1326
01:10:02,800 --> 01:10:04,074
It's not anywhere.
1327
01:10:04,240 --> 01:10:05,673
Fuck.
1328
01:10:08,640 --> 01:10:10,198
Stu, how much you got in the bank?
1329
01:10:10,360 --> 01:10:12,828
About 10 grand.
I was gonna use it for the wedding.
1330
01:10:13,000 --> 01:10:14,991
You're already married,
so we're good there.
1331
01:10:15,160 --> 01:10:17,230
Besides, enough with Melissa,
she's the worst.
1332
01:10:17,400 --> 01:10:19,960
Yeah, Doug told me she had sex
with a pilot or something.
1333
01:10:20,120 --> 01:10:23,749
It was a bartender on a cruise.
What is wrong with you people?
1334
01:10:23,920 --> 01:10:28,038
- Ew. Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?
- Yes.
1335
01:10:29,040 --> 01:10:30,792
What are we gonna do?
We are so fucked.
1336
01:10:31,720 --> 01:10:32,709
ALAN:
Hey, guys?
1337
01:10:32,880 --> 01:10:34,836
- Did you find it?
- Nope.
1338
01:10:35,960 --> 01:10:37,712
But check this out.
1339
01:11:23,000 --> 01:11:25,150
Change only, 10,000.
1340
01:11:28,760 --> 01:11:31,911
- Hey, uh, these seats taken?
- No, feel free.
1341
01:11:36,440 --> 01:11:39,000
All right, let's play some blackjack!
1342
01:11:46,840 --> 01:11:48,796
[YELLING AND WHOOPING]
1343
01:12:00,360 --> 01:12:02,828
That's it. Shut up, bitches.
1344
01:12:06,880 --> 01:12:08,154
Hmm.
1345
01:12:10,120 --> 01:12:13,157
- I'll stick.
- Oh, fuck you! Fuck you!
1346
01:12:18,840 --> 01:12:20,751
Splitting fives.
1347
01:12:21,840 --> 01:12:22,989
- Too many.
- Yes!
1348
01:12:23,480 --> 01:12:25,391
[JADE MOANING]
1349
01:12:26,760 --> 01:12:29,877
I don't even know you,
but I'm gonna tell you that's dumb.
1350
01:12:30,640 --> 01:12:32,119
- Yes!
JADE: Oh!
1351
01:12:32,280 --> 01:12:35,477
Okay, come on.
He can't lose. He can't lose.
1352
01:12:36,680 --> 01:12:38,716
I think the pit boss is watching him.
1353
01:12:46,360 --> 01:12:48,157
[WHOOPING]
1354
01:12:50,240 --> 01:12:52,515
[JADE LAUGHING]
1355
01:12:52,680 --> 01:12:53,954
[SHRIEKING]
1356
01:12:54,640 --> 01:12:55,629
[JADE GROANING]
1357
01:12:55,800 --> 01:12:56,994
- Oh, my God.
- Are you okay?
1358
01:12:57,160 --> 01:13:00,357
I'm such a klutz. I get so nervous
when I gamble. I'm so silly.
1359
01:13:00,520 --> 01:13:03,830
- It happens.
- Whoa. Hold on a beat, okay?
1360
01:13:04,000 --> 01:13:06,992
- Let's just take it easy. This is my wife.
- It's hurting.
1361
01:13:07,160 --> 01:13:08,593
STU:
Make sure... Does it hurt? Does this hurt?
1362
01:13:08,760 --> 01:13:10,034
- Oh, ow.
- You all right?
1363
01:13:10,200 --> 01:13:12,350
JADE: I don't know.
- I don't know either. I don't...
1364
01:13:12,520 --> 01:13:13,794
I think you're fine. Let's go.
1365
01:13:13,960 --> 01:13:16,554
- Really? Okay.
STU: Upsy-daisy, there.
1366
01:13:16,720 --> 01:13:19,553
I'm sorry,
she's had a little too much to drink.
1367
01:13:19,720 --> 01:13:22,712
Thanks, buddy. That's for you.
1368
01:13:30,720 --> 01:13:33,359
STU:
And 100, 200, 300, 400.
1369
01:13:33,520 --> 01:13:36,910
With all this, that's $82,400.
1370
01:13:37,080 --> 01:13:39,514
Oh, goddamn it.
I don't fucking believe it.
1371
01:13:39,680 --> 01:13:40,999
Whoo!
1372
01:13:41,160 --> 01:13:43,310
- Alan, you're the man.
- You are too, Phil.
1373
01:13:43,480 --> 01:13:46,040
We should come back next week,
take the whole city down.
1374
01:13:46,200 --> 01:13:47,349
Oh, I'm free next week.
1375
01:13:47,520 --> 01:13:51,069
Or we could just focus
on getting Doug back, right now.
1376
01:13:51,240 --> 01:13:54,357
Uh, you know what? Next week's no
good, the Jonas Brothers are in town.
1377
01:13:54,520 --> 01:13:56,988
But any week after that is totally fine.
1378
01:13:57,160 --> 01:14:00,436
I think it's safe to say that our luck
has officially turned around, guys.
1379
01:14:00,600 --> 01:14:03,398
We are back, baby.
We are fucking back.
1380
01:14:03,560 --> 01:14:05,710
We're back. Classic.
1381
01:14:05,880 --> 01:14:09,077
[SINGING] We are back, we are back
PHIL: That's right.
1382
01:14:09,240 --> 01:14:11,470
We are getting Doug back
1383
01:14:11,640 --> 01:14:14,677
And we're the three best friends
That anybody could have
1384
01:14:14,840 --> 01:14:17,559
We're the three best friends
That anyone could have
1385
01:14:17,720 --> 01:14:21,076
We're the three best friends
That anyone can have
1386
01:14:21,240 --> 01:14:24,118
And we'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever
Leave each other
1387
01:14:24,280 --> 01:14:26,953
We're the best three friends
That anybody could have
1388
01:14:27,120 --> 01:14:29,839
I mean, the three best friends
That anybody could have
1389
01:14:30,000 --> 01:14:32,992
That's right, the three best friends
That anybody can have
1390
01:14:50,320 --> 01:14:52,276
PHIL: Now what?
- Give him the signal.
1391
01:14:52,440 --> 01:14:55,910
- What signal?
- Flash your lights. Let him know it's on.
1392
01:14:56,080 --> 01:14:58,878
- What's on?
- The deal.
1393
01:14:59,040 --> 01:15:02,635
Of course it's on. We just drove 30 miles
into the desert. He knows it's on.
1394
01:15:02,800 --> 01:15:04,836
Phil, just do something.
1395
01:15:06,000 --> 01:15:07,228
Fine.
1396
01:15:10,200 --> 01:15:11,952
- Oh, shit.
ALAN: See?
1397
01:15:12,120 --> 01:15:14,031
All right, let's go.
1398
01:15:23,480 --> 01:15:24,833
[ALAN GRUNTING]
1399
01:15:25,000 --> 01:15:26,638
[LAUGHING]
1400
01:15:26,800 --> 01:15:28,836
Funny fat guy fall on face.
1401
01:15:29,000 --> 01:15:30,353
You okay?
1402
01:15:30,520 --> 01:15:33,193
All right, we got the money.
Eighty grand, cash.
1403
01:15:33,360 --> 01:15:35,430
Throw it over. Then I give you Doug.
1404
01:15:35,600 --> 01:15:38,637
Um, I'm sorry.
First of all, good morning.
1405
01:15:38,800 --> 01:15:40,438
And we didn't catch
your name last night.
1406
01:15:40,600 --> 01:15:43,478
Mr. Chow. Leslie Chow.
1407
01:15:43,640 --> 01:15:45,870
Mr. Chow, it is a pleasure.
My name is Stu.
1408
01:15:46,040 --> 01:15:50,591
And we would very much appreciate
an opportunity to see Doug...
1409
01:15:50,760 --> 01:15:53,558
...before we give you the money,
just to verify that he's okay.
1410
01:15:53,720 --> 01:15:58,794
- lf that's cool.
- Of course, Stu. That is cool.
1411
01:16:00,680 --> 01:16:01,874
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
1412
01:16:08,240 --> 01:16:10,356
- Oh, thank God.
- Okay.
1413
01:16:10,520 --> 01:16:13,353
See, he fine. Now give me money...
1414
01:16:13,520 --> 01:16:17,308
...or I shoot him,
and I shoot all you motherfuckers.
1415
01:16:17,480 --> 01:16:20,995
And then we take it.
Your choice, bitches.
1416
01:16:21,640 --> 01:16:23,073
- Give him the money, Stu.
- Okay.
1417
01:16:32,440 --> 01:16:35,159
MAN: It's all there.
- Let him go.
1418
01:16:38,000 --> 01:16:40,275
All right, take it easy. Take it easy.
1419
01:16:40,920 --> 01:16:42,035
CHOW:
Ta-da.
1420
01:16:42,200 --> 01:16:43,189
[STU SHOUTS]
1421
01:16:43,360 --> 01:16:45,316
Is this some kind of joke?
Who the hell is this?
1422
01:16:45,480 --> 01:16:46,469
That is not Doug.
1423
01:16:46,640 --> 01:16:49,473
What you talking about, Willis?
That him.
1424
01:16:49,640 --> 01:16:51,949
No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow.
That's not our friend.
1425
01:16:52,120 --> 01:16:55,032
- He... That's...
- The Doug we're looking for is a white.
1426
01:16:55,960 --> 01:16:59,589
Ah! I told you you had the wrong guy,
little boy.
1427
01:16:59,760 --> 01:17:02,115
Damn, Alan,
what the fuck you got me into?
1428
01:17:02,280 --> 01:17:04,032
- You know him?
- This is the guy...
1429
01:17:04,200 --> 01:17:05,189
...that sold me
the bad drugs.
1430
01:17:05,360 --> 01:17:07,510
- How you doing?
- I didn't sell you no fucking bad drugs.
1431
01:17:07,680 --> 01:17:12,595
- Wait. He sold you the Ruphylin?
- Ruphylin? I sold you that Ru...? Wha...?
1432
01:17:12,760 --> 01:17:16,673
- Who gives a shit? Where is Doug?
- I am Doug.
1433
01:17:16,840 --> 01:17:19,070
- Your name's Doug?
- Yes, I'm Doug.
1434
01:17:19,240 --> 01:17:21,834
His name's Doug too.
Ha. Classic mix-up.
1435
01:17:22,000 --> 01:17:23,115
Come on.
1436
01:17:23,280 --> 01:17:25,748
Hey, Chow.
You gave us the wrong Doug.
1437
01:17:25,920 --> 01:17:27,319
Not my problem.
1438
01:17:27,480 --> 01:17:30,995
No, fuck that shit. Now, you give us our
80 grand back and take him with you!
1439
01:17:31,160 --> 01:17:35,631
- No. Come on. I'll be your Doug.
- Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, I take him back.
1440
01:17:35,800 --> 01:17:38,598
Right after you suck on
these little Chinese nuts.
1441
01:17:38,960 --> 01:17:41,872
- Ah. That's nasty.
- Mmm. How that sound?
1442
01:17:42,040 --> 01:17:43,519
Unh, pshh.
1443
01:17:43,680 --> 01:17:47,514
- So long, gay boys.
- Wait a second.
1444
01:17:47,680 --> 01:17:49,352
DOUG:
He's a nasty little motherfucker.
1445
01:17:49,520 --> 01:17:50,589
Did you ever get any ecstasy?
1446
01:17:50,760 --> 01:17:52,751
DOUG:
No, I ain't got no fucking ecstasy.
1447
01:17:52,920 --> 01:17:55,992
- Goddamn it!
ALAN: Gosh darn it!
1448
01:17:56,160 --> 01:17:59,152
- Shit!
ALAN: Shoot!
1449
01:18:05,720 --> 01:18:06,789
[PHONE LINE RINGING]
1450
01:18:06,960 --> 01:18:08,109
[COUGHS]
1451
01:18:08,280 --> 01:18:10,350
TRACY [OVER PHONE]: Hello?
- Ahem, Tracy, it's Phil.
1452
01:18:10,520 --> 01:18:13,990
Phil, where the hell are you guys?
I'm freaking out.
1453
01:18:14,160 --> 01:18:15,798
PHIL:
Yeah, listen.
1454
01:18:18,120 --> 01:18:19,633
We fucked up.
1455
01:18:19,800 --> 01:18:21,950
Thanks for the lift back to town.
1456
01:18:23,560 --> 01:18:25,232
- I got a question for you.
- What's up?
1457
01:18:25,400 --> 01:18:27,152
How did you wind up in Chow's car?
1458
01:18:27,880 --> 01:18:30,110
That crazy asshole
kidnapped me yesterday.
1459
01:18:30,280 --> 01:18:32,396
Okay, but why? I mean, why you?
1460
01:18:32,560 --> 01:18:35,916
He thought I was with you guys because
we were hanging over at the Bellagio.
1461
01:18:36,080 --> 01:18:37,718
- What?
- We were at the Bellagio?
1462
01:18:37,880 --> 01:18:39,757
We were shooting craps.
You don't remember?
1463
01:18:39,920 --> 01:18:42,150
No. No, we don't remember.
1464
01:18:42,320 --> 01:18:47,189
Because some dick drug dealer sold him
Ruphylin and told him it was ecstasy.
1465
01:18:47,360 --> 01:18:51,512
Ruphylin. There you go with that word.
Ruphylin. What the hell is a Ruphylin?
1466
01:18:51,680 --> 01:18:55,753
Wow, you are
the world's shittiest drug dealer.
1467
01:18:55,920 --> 01:19:01,153
Ruphylin, for your information, is the
date rape drug. You sold Alan roofies.
1468
01:19:01,320 --> 01:19:04,710
Oh, shit. I must have mixed up the bags.
My fault, Alan.
1469
01:19:04,880 --> 01:19:07,792
Damn, Marshall gonna be
pissed off at me on that one.
1470
01:19:08,280 --> 01:19:11,192
- Whatever.
- It's funny, because just the other day...
1471
01:19:11,360 --> 01:19:14,432
...me and my boy, we was wondering
why they even call them roofies.
1472
01:19:14,600 --> 01:19:17,478
- You know what I'm talking about?
- No. Don't know.
1473
01:19:17,640 --> 01:19:19,995
Why not floories, right?
Because when you take them...
1474
01:19:20,160 --> 01:19:23,197
...you're more likely
to end up on the floor than the roof.
1475
01:19:23,520 --> 01:19:26,671
What about groundies?
That's a good new name for them.
1476
01:19:26,840 --> 01:19:28,239
Or, how about rapies?
1477
01:19:28,840 --> 01:19:31,195
- Wait, what did you just say?
- Rapies.
1478
01:19:31,360 --> 01:19:33,510
Not you. Doug,
what did you say before?
1479
01:19:33,680 --> 01:19:34,908
I said groundies.
1480
01:19:35,080 --> 01:19:36,069
No, before that.
1481
01:19:36,240 --> 01:19:41,473
You said, "You're more likely to wind up
on the floor than..."
1482
01:19:41,640 --> 01:19:44,279
- Phil.
- Listen, Trace, I'm really sorry. l...
1483
01:19:44,440 --> 01:19:46,271
[GRUNTING]
1484
01:19:46,440 --> 01:19:49,193
TRACY [OVER PHONE]: Phil? Hello?
- Tracy, it's Stu.
1485
01:19:49,360 --> 01:19:51,476
Stu. Talk to me. What's going on?
1486
01:19:51,640 --> 01:19:53,517
Uh, nothing. Don't listen to Phil.
1487
01:19:53,680 --> 01:19:56,990
He's completely out of his mind.
He's probably still drunk from last night.
1488
01:19:57,160 --> 01:19:58,149
Where's Doug?
1489
01:19:58,320 --> 01:20:01,471
STU: He is paying the bill.
We just had a delicious brunch.
1490
01:20:01,640 --> 01:20:03,949
We're in a hurry to get back,
so we gotta get going.
1491
01:20:04,120 --> 01:20:06,190
- Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye.
- Stu.
1492
01:20:06,360 --> 01:20:08,430
Stu. Fuck.
1493
01:20:08,600 --> 01:20:12,115
- What the fuck, man?
- I know where Doug is.
1494
01:20:18,560 --> 01:20:20,198
STU:
I don't know, man. It just hit me.
1495
01:20:20,360 --> 01:20:23,158
You remember when we saw
Doug's mattress impaled on that statue?
1496
01:20:23,320 --> 01:20:25,550
- Yeah, we threw it out the window.
- No, impossible.
1497
01:20:25,720 --> 01:20:27,597
You can't open windows
in Vegas hotels.
1498
01:20:27,760 --> 01:20:29,113
Well, then how did it get...?
1499
01:20:29,280 --> 01:20:31,396
- Oh, my God!
- Ha, ha, ha.
1500
01:20:31,560 --> 01:20:34,472
- Whoa, wait. What's going on?
- Doug was trying to signal someone.
1501
01:20:34,640 --> 01:20:36,039
- Holy shit.
STU: Yes.
1502
01:20:36,200 --> 01:20:38,953
- Wait. How did you figure that out?
- Doug made me realize it.
1503
01:20:39,120 --> 01:20:40,917
- Doug?
- Uh, not our Doug. Black Doug.
1504
01:20:41,080 --> 01:20:44,117
- Hey, hey, easy with that shit. Come on.
- Sorry.
1505
01:20:44,280 --> 01:20:46,032
Can someone tell me
where white Doug is?
1506
01:20:46,200 --> 01:20:47,713
- He's on the roof, Alan.
- Yes.
1507
01:20:47,880 --> 01:20:50,952
He's on the roof. We must have
taken him up there as a prank...
1508
01:20:51,120 --> 01:20:53,918
...so he'd wake up on the roof.
- Like that time in summer camp.
1509
01:20:54,080 --> 01:20:56,116
We moved his sleeping bag
out in the jetty at the lake?
1510
01:20:56,280 --> 01:20:57,952
Ha, ha, ha. Which was hilarious.
1511
01:20:58,120 --> 01:21:01,078
It's not so funny now, though,
because we forgot where we put him.
1512
01:21:01,240 --> 01:21:02,992
You guys are retarded, you know that?
1513
01:21:03,160 --> 01:21:07,392
- Holy shit. You think he's still up there?
- There's only one way to find out.
1514
01:21:11,800 --> 01:21:13,074
PHIL:
Doug!
1515
01:21:13,240 --> 01:21:14,992
Doug!
1516
01:21:15,160 --> 01:21:17,196
- Doug!
PHIL: Doug, you up here, buddy?
1517
01:21:21,200 --> 01:21:23,156
Where you at, Doug?
1518
01:21:24,760 --> 01:21:26,318
Doug!
1519
01:21:29,880 --> 01:21:30,869
Hey, guys!
1520
01:21:31,800 --> 01:21:33,313
He's over here!
1521
01:21:34,960 --> 01:21:38,350
ALAN: Hey, I found him! He's over here!
- Oh, shit.
1522
01:21:40,760 --> 01:21:41,988
He's okay.
1523
01:21:42,480 --> 01:21:44,072
You're okay. Ha, ha, ha!
1524
01:21:44,240 --> 01:21:47,118
Oh, God. We gotta go, buddy. Come on.
1525
01:21:47,280 --> 01:21:50,158
Oh, we have been looking everywhere
for you.
1526
01:21:50,320 --> 01:21:53,278
- He's alive.
- What the fuck is going on?
1527
01:21:53,440 --> 01:21:56,352
We can explain everything,
but right now we gotta go.
1528
01:21:56,520 --> 01:22:00,399
- Hey, bud. You okay?
- No. Not okay.
1529
01:22:00,560 --> 01:22:03,199
You look good, you got some color.
I'm jealous.
1530
01:22:03,360 --> 01:22:05,715
- I'm getting married today.
- Yes, you are.
1531
01:22:05,880 --> 01:22:08,314
That's why you need to focus
and do everything we say.
1532
01:22:08,480 --> 01:22:11,677
Because, frankly, you're wasting
a little bit of time right now.
1533
01:22:11,840 --> 01:22:13,068
You fucking asshole!
1534
01:22:13,400 --> 01:22:14,879
[GRUNTING]
1535
01:22:15,040 --> 01:22:16,029
[WHIMPERING]
1536
01:22:16,200 --> 01:22:17,838
Oh, my skin burns. My skin burns.
1537
01:22:18,000 --> 01:22:19,638
Oh, ow! God.
1538
01:22:19,800 --> 01:22:22,917
- It's okay. It's not your fault, Doug.
- Don't touch me. Shut up.
1539
01:22:23,080 --> 01:22:24,433
All of you, shut up.
1540
01:22:25,360 --> 01:22:26,839
Just get me home.
1541
01:22:27,000 --> 01:22:28,069
Mm-hm.
1542
01:22:28,240 --> 01:22:29,958
Just get me home.
1543
01:22:30,680 --> 01:22:32,910
STU:
What about the one after that?
1544
01:22:33,120 --> 01:22:36,078
You cannot be serious.
1545
01:22:36,760 --> 01:22:38,239
Oh, goddamn it.
1546
01:22:38,400 --> 01:22:40,118
- What?
- Every flight to L.A. is booked.
1547
01:22:40,280 --> 01:22:41,599
- What about Burbank?
- Sold out.
1548
01:22:41,760 --> 01:22:45,036
Oh, fuck! We can't drive there, the
wedding starts in three and a half hours.
1549
01:22:45,200 --> 01:22:47,316
- Alan, where's the car?
ALAN: It's on its way.
1550
01:22:47,480 --> 01:22:48,754
You know what?
1551
01:22:48,920 --> 01:22:52,071
We can drive there.
We can make it. Okay?
1552
01:22:53,640 --> 01:22:54,675
Hi.
1553
01:22:55,600 --> 01:22:59,275
- Just give me one second.
PHIL: We will leave without you.
1554
01:23:01,720 --> 01:23:03,756
- Is he missing a tooth?
- Yeah.
1555
01:23:03,920 --> 01:23:05,239
[LAUGHS]
1556
01:23:05,720 --> 01:23:07,551
STU: Hey.
- Hey.
1557
01:23:07,720 --> 01:23:10,359
Hey, thanks for helping out last night.
That was so awesome.
1558
01:23:10,520 --> 01:23:12,033
Sure.
1559
01:23:12,840 --> 01:23:15,195
Listen, Jade, l...
1560
01:23:15,360 --> 01:23:18,079
Look, you don't have to say it.
I totally understand.
1561
01:23:18,240 --> 01:23:21,232
- This whole thing was stupid.
- Huh.
1562
01:23:22,520 --> 01:23:24,078
It was stupid, wasn't it?
1563
01:23:30,920 --> 01:23:32,751
- This is yours.
- Oh, thank you.
1564
01:23:33,880 --> 01:23:37,714
I can't believe I gave my grandmother's
Holocaust ring to someone I just met.
1565
01:23:37,880 --> 01:23:40,440
- What was I thinking?
- You were really fucked up.
1566
01:23:40,600 --> 01:23:42,238
Clearly.
1567
01:23:43,200 --> 01:23:45,760
- You did pull out your own tooth.
- l...?
1568
01:23:46,440 --> 01:23:47,475
I pulled out my tooth?
1569
01:23:48,720 --> 01:23:50,950
Why did I pull out my own tooth?
1570
01:23:51,120 --> 01:23:53,475
Alan bet you that you weren't
a good enough dentist...
1571
01:23:53,640 --> 01:23:54,993
...to pull out your own tooth.
1572
01:23:55,840 --> 01:23:58,638
Okay. Heh.
1573
01:23:59,000 --> 01:24:02,037
- Of course he did.
- You won.
1574
01:24:02,200 --> 01:24:05,476
Yeah. Clearly. Yeah.
1575
01:24:05,640 --> 01:24:07,471
That's victory, right there.
1576
01:24:07,640 --> 01:24:09,278
ALAN:
It needs to go down.
1577
01:24:09,440 --> 01:24:11,112
- It's good. Get in.
- No. Safety first.
1578
01:24:11,280 --> 01:24:14,636
- Alan, it's fine. It's down.
- No, I gotta get it down first.
1579
01:24:14,800 --> 01:24:18,759
PHIL: Jesus Christ. Look out.
- Don't mess the car up.
1580
01:24:18,920 --> 01:24:20,751
You're gonna mess the car up.
1581
01:24:20,920 --> 01:24:24,356
- Hey, what are you doing next weekend?
- I don't know. Working. Why?
1582
01:24:24,520 --> 01:24:27,432
I was thinking maybe I'd come back
and take you out to dinner.
1583
01:24:27,600 --> 01:24:30,034
Really? Like a date?
1584
01:24:30,200 --> 01:24:34,751
Yeah. Like a date.
Only, one that hopefully I'll remember.
1585
01:24:35,240 --> 01:24:36,912
Sounds good.
1586
01:24:40,240 --> 01:24:42,993
- Stu. Come on.
- Stu. Come on.
1587
01:24:44,520 --> 01:24:48,229
I gotta go. Okay. Bye.
1588
01:24:49,040 --> 01:24:50,678
[LAUGHING]
1589
01:24:50,840 --> 01:24:52,751
- Bye.
- Bye.
1590
01:24:54,800 --> 01:24:56,518
All right, here we go.
1591
01:24:57,000 --> 01:24:59,798
- All right, let's go.
- Yeah.
1592
01:24:59,960 --> 01:25:00,949
Careful.
1593
01:25:17,360 --> 01:25:19,920
At least the trip
wasn't a total disaster.
1594
01:25:20,080 --> 01:25:23,117
- What makes you say that?
- When I woke up on the roof...
1595
01:25:23,280 --> 01:25:26,989
...I happened to find $80,000
worth of Bellagio chips in my pocket.
1596
01:25:27,160 --> 01:25:28,832
- Oh!
STU: Oh, my God!
1597
01:25:29,280 --> 01:25:32,636
Looks like we're going home
with some money, boys.
1598
01:25:32,800 --> 01:25:34,631
[ALL WHOOPING]
1599
01:25:47,800 --> 01:25:49,233
[HORN HONKING]
1600
01:25:49,400 --> 01:25:51,152
ALAN:
Here he comes. That's him.
1601
01:25:53,280 --> 01:25:56,113
- Hey, Neeco!
NEECO: Hey. What's up, Alan?
1602
01:25:56,280 --> 01:25:57,872
STU:
Whoo!
1603
01:25:59,280 --> 01:26:00,872
- Whoa, look out.
- Oh, shit.
1604
01:26:01,040 --> 01:26:02,951
ALAN:
Whoa! Whoa!
1605
01:26:06,200 --> 01:26:07,428
- Thanks, Neeco.
NEECO: You got it, man.
1606
01:26:07,600 --> 01:26:08,953
ALAN: Page me!
NEECO: Adiós.
1607
01:26:09,360 --> 01:26:11,476
STU: Who the hell was that guy?
ALAN: That's my buddy.
1608
01:26:42,600 --> 01:26:44,033
[TIRES SQUEAL]
1609
01:26:46,200 --> 01:26:50,796
Hey. Sorry, MapQuest took us
on a really crazy route.
1610
01:26:51,120 --> 01:26:52,917
[MUSICIANS PLAYING "SPRING"]
1611
01:27:04,000 --> 01:27:06,594
[MUSICIANS PLAYING
"WEDDING MARCH"]
1612
01:27:12,360 --> 01:27:14,032
- How's my hair?
- It looks good.
1613
01:27:14,200 --> 01:27:18,193
- Is it cool like Phil's?
- It's classic Phil.
1614
01:27:22,640 --> 01:27:24,596
She looks beautiful, man.
1615
01:27:30,760 --> 01:27:31,909
Sorry I'm late.
1616
01:27:33,400 --> 01:27:34,879
Vegas.
1617
01:27:39,440 --> 01:27:43,194
Where were you?
And why are you so red?
1618
01:27:43,640 --> 01:27:47,349
Honey, it's a long story.
1619
01:27:48,240 --> 01:27:50,117
MINISTER:
We are gathered here today...
1620
01:27:50,280 --> 01:27:53,716
...because of the strength of love
and of promises kept.
1621
01:27:53,880 --> 01:27:56,952
All I know is I am so sorry.
1622
01:27:57,280 --> 01:27:59,555
And I promise
for as long as we're married...
1623
01:27:59,720 --> 01:28:03,838
...to never, ever put you
through anything like this again.
1624
01:28:04,920 --> 01:28:06,717
Can you forgive me?
1625
01:28:14,240 --> 01:28:16,151
[SINGING "CAND Y SHOP"]
1626
01:28:41,360 --> 01:28:43,271
[CHATTERING]
1627
01:28:50,680 --> 01:28:52,591
- Daddy.
- Hey, my man.
1628
01:28:52,760 --> 01:28:55,035
Excuse me, but I'm expecting
my husband any minute.
1629
01:28:55,200 --> 01:28:56,997
Oh, that's very funny. Come here.
1630
01:28:57,160 --> 01:28:58,149
[GROANS]
1631
01:28:58,320 --> 01:28:59,355
How was your soccer game?
1632
01:28:59,520 --> 01:29:01,476
[CONTINUES SINGING]
1633
01:29:14,120 --> 01:29:15,394
[GRUNTS]
1634
01:29:15,640 --> 01:29:19,599
- Stu? You avoiding me?
- Hey. Melissa.
1635
01:29:19,760 --> 01:29:22,354
Oh, my God.
What happened to your tooth?
1636
01:29:23,160 --> 01:29:26,516
Have you met Alan? Tracy's brother.
Brother of the...
1637
01:29:26,680 --> 01:29:28,193
Okay. Ow.
1638
01:29:28,360 --> 01:29:31,158
That is disgusting.
Why haven't you returned my calls?
1639
01:29:31,720 --> 01:29:33,551
Well, there was a snafu
when we stopped...
1640
01:29:33,720 --> 01:29:35,517
I called that bed and breakfast in Napa.
1641
01:29:35,680 --> 01:29:38,717
They said they had no record
of you even checking in.
1642
01:29:39,400 --> 01:29:41,038
That's because we didn't go to Napa.
1643
01:29:41,200 --> 01:29:45,034
- Stu. What the fuck is going on?
- We went to Las Vegas.
1644
01:29:45,200 --> 01:29:48,192
Oh, really? Las Vegas?
Why would you go to Las Vegas?
1645
01:29:48,360 --> 01:29:50,794
My friend was getting married.
That's what guys do.
1646
01:29:50,960 --> 01:29:52,632
- Okay, that's not what you do.
- Really?
1647
01:29:52,800 --> 01:29:57,078
Well, then why did I do it, huh?
Because I did it. Riddle me that.
1648
01:29:57,240 --> 01:29:58,673
Why'd I do it?
1649
01:29:58,840 --> 01:30:00,956
All you want me to do
is what you want me to do.
1650
01:30:01,120 --> 01:30:02,917
I'm sick of doing what you want.
1651
01:30:03,080 --> 01:30:06,470
In a healthy relationship, a guy should
be able to do what he wants.
1652
01:30:06,640 --> 01:30:09,552
- That is not how this works!
STU: Oh, good.
1653
01:30:09,720 --> 01:30:12,598
Because whatever this is
ain't working for me!
1654
01:30:12,760 --> 01:30:13,749
MELISSA: Oh, really?
STU: Yeah.
1655
01:30:13,920 --> 01:30:14,989
Since when?
1656
01:30:15,160 --> 01:30:19,517
Since you fucked that waiter
on your cruise last June. Boom!
1657
01:30:22,320 --> 01:30:25,869
- You told me it was a bartender.
- Oh, you're right. I stand corrected.
1658
01:30:26,040 --> 01:30:29,077
It was a bartender.
You fucked a bartender.
1659
01:30:29,240 --> 01:30:30,593
You're an idiot.
1660
01:30:30,760 --> 01:30:31,749
You're... You...
1661
01:30:31,920 --> 01:30:33,558
[GROANS]
1662
01:30:33,720 --> 01:30:35,153
You're such a bad person.
1663
01:30:35,320 --> 01:30:37,231
Like, all the way through to your core.
1664
01:30:39,480 --> 01:30:42,233
Alan, shall we dance?
1665
01:30:43,320 --> 01:30:44,309
Let's do this.
1666
01:30:44,480 --> 01:30:45,469
[BAND PLAYING "FAME"]
1667
01:30:45,640 --> 01:30:47,551
[SINGING "FAME"]
1668
01:30:52,760 --> 01:30:55,320
- It was a real pleasure meeting you.
- Fuck off.
1669
01:30:55,920 --> 01:30:58,912
- I'm getting my bartender's license.
- Suck my dick.
1670
01:30:59,640 --> 01:31:00,959
No, thank you.
1671
01:31:03,320 --> 01:31:05,231
[CONTINUES SINGING]
1672
01:31:07,800 --> 01:31:09,472
[CHEERING]
1673
01:31:11,000 --> 01:31:13,036
You guys are awesome.
1674
01:31:17,440 --> 01:31:18,668
Dougie...
1675
01:31:18,840 --> 01:31:21,229
...I gotta tell you, man,
this was a gorgeous wedding.
1676
01:31:21,400 --> 01:31:24,198
- I give it six months.
- You're a dick.
1677
01:31:25,120 --> 01:31:29,352
I don't know what to say.
Thanks for the bachelor party, I guess?
1678
01:31:30,080 --> 01:31:34,278
Yeah. I just wish
we could actually remember some of it.
1679
01:31:34,440 --> 01:31:37,671
- Hey, guys? Look what I found.
- Whoa, that's my camera.
1680
01:31:37,840 --> 01:31:40,798
- It was in the back seat of the car.
- Oh, Go... Are there photos on it?
1681
01:31:40,960 --> 01:31:43,235
Yeah. Some of it's even worse
than we thought.
1682
01:31:43,400 --> 01:31:45,356
- No fucking way. Give me that.
- Wa... Wa... Wait.
1683
01:31:45,520 --> 01:31:47,909
Wait, wait, wait.
1684
01:31:50,240 --> 01:31:52,549
We look at these
pictures together, okay?
1685
01:31:52,720 --> 01:31:54,631
One time.
1686
01:31:55,080 --> 01:31:59,073
- And then we delete the evidence.
- I say we delete it right now.
1687
01:31:59,240 --> 01:32:02,710
Are you nuts? I wanna find out
how I wound up in the hospital.
1688
01:32:02,880 --> 01:32:06,759
- Yeah, it's in there.
- Guys, one time.
1689
01:32:06,920 --> 01:32:07,909
- Deal?
- Deal.
1690
01:32:08,080 --> 01:32:09,672
- Deal.
- Okay.
1691
01:32:13,960 --> 01:32:15,439
Oh, dear Lord!
1692
01:32:15,600 --> 01:32:16,271
ALAN:
That's classic!
1693
01:35:48,280 --> 01:35:50,271
[ENGLISH SDH]