>> Xavier: [ Thinking ] WHAT
DOTH LIFE?
ARE WE JUST FLESHY BLIPS IN SOME
MEANINGLESS STEW OF COSMIC
OBLIVION?
OR IS IT VICE-REVERSA?
IS OUR EVERY TROLLOP THROUGH
FATE'S GARDEN INFUSED WITH A
MYSTIC --
>> HEY, BUNGHOLE, CEASE THAT
INNER YAPPING.
>> Xavier: I DON'T WANT NO
TROUBLE, MISTER.
>> FREAK! IF YOU DIDN'T WANT
TROUBLE, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
WANDERED INTO BURBURY,
CONNECTICUT.
>> Xavier: PLEASE, I'M JUST A
SIMPLE SEEKER ON A SPIRIT QUEST
TO DISCOVER...
WHAT DOTH LIFE?
>> WE DON'T GOT NO FREAKS HERE
IN BURBURY, AND WE'S DONE HATE
FREAKS WITH OPEN, UNQUENCHABLE
CANS OF PHILOSOPHICAL
THIRST-WORMS.
[ SPITS ]
>> Xavier: YOU'RE GONNA REGRET
THAT.
YOU'VE SHATTERED MY SHAKHASHIRI.
>> I HOPE Y'ALL CAN PLAY IT 3
FEET UP YOUR ASS.
>> Xavier: DON'T KNOW.
BUT I'D SURE LIKE TO TRY.
>> WHAT YOU GONNA DO,
BIRD-BEAST, FLY AWAY ON YOUR
CUDDLE BONE?
>> YEAH, CUDDLE THIS
B-B-B-B-B-BONE.
>> BEST STAY WAY FROM THAT
WEIRDO.
YOU'LL CATCH THE FELINE AIDS.
>> YEAH, FROM ME.
M-M-M-MEOW.
>> Xavier: DO YOURSELF A SOLID.
WALK AWAY.
JUST WALK AWAY.
>> WHAT'S THE MATTER,
CH-CH-CHICKEN?
FRIGHTENED?
OR DO YOU PREFER, WHAT'S THE
MATTER, CHICKEN?
F-F-FRIGHTENED?
>> Xavier: PLEASE WALK AWAY.
YOU MAY NEED MY HELP SOMEDAY.
[ Echoes ] WALK AWAY.
>> YEAH, HELP ME PUNCH YOUR NECK
OFF.
>> WEL-WEL-WEL-WEL-WEL-WEL-WEL-
WEL-WEL-WEL-WEL-WEL-WELCOME TO
BURBURY.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
>> Xavier: WELL, MA'AM, I
SUPPOSE I'M SEEKING A DEEPER
STRATA OF TRUTH.
PERHAPS YOU CAN ANSWER THE ONE
QUESTION THAT HAS PLAGUED
THINKERS FOR ALL TIME.
WHAT DOTH LIFE?
>> ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.
PROCESSING.
[ Distorted ] PROCESSING.
PROCESSING.
DEPTH OVERLOAD.
>> YOU ALL RIGHT, MISTER?
SORRY OUR COMPUTER'S FRITZING ON
Y'ALL.
>> Xavier: I'LL BE FINE.
I'M A SURVIVOR.
WE'RE A DYING BREED.
I SUPPOSE YOU'LL BE WANTING TO
HEAR MY STORY.
>> WHAT?
>> Xavier: I DON'T LIKE TO TELL
PEOPLE MY STORY, BUT YOU --
YOU'VE BEEN SO VERY KIND.
>> ACTUALLY, I HAVE TO GET
GOING.
>> Xavier: [ Echoes ] LIFE.
YOU COULD SAY IT STARTED WHEN I
WAS A KID.
LIKE MOST FOLKS, I'VE ALWAYS
BEEN DIFFERENT, BUT NOT LIKE THE
OTHERS.
OTHER KIDS COULD BE CRUEL.
THEY'D CALL ME NAMES -- DWEEB,
CHIMP, HONKY, DWEEBY CHIMP,
HONKY DWEEB, AND, WORST OF ALL,
CHOMPSKY HONK.
DID YOU KNOW THERE'S OVER 87
COMBINATIONS OF THOSE
SOUL-SCALDING WORDS?
I FOUND OUT THE HARD WAY.
LIFE.
ADOLESCENCE WAS BETTER.
WENT TO THE PROM WITH A MODEL,
BUT SHE LEFT WITH SOME JOCK.
DYKE.
BUT THEN I FELT SOMETHING IN MY
GUT -- THE PALPABLE SUSPICION
THAT I HAD A DEEPER CALLING IN
LIFE.
SO I SOUGHT OUT THE WISDOM OF
THE ANCIENTS, EXPLORING THE
SPIRIT REALM OF THE SOUL.
ONE DAY, TRAGEDY STRUCK.
I WAS GROPING ENLIGHTENMENT IN
MY BEDROOM, AND BEFORE YOU COULD
SCREAM "MURDER BY ARSON," OUR
HOUSE WAS ON FIRE.
COULDN'T SAVE MY PARENTS.
CORONER RULED IT A SIMPLE CASE
OF DEATH BY MYSTERIOUS FIRE, BUT
I ALWAYS SENSED THAT THERE WAS
SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT IT.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, MY SO-CALLED
FATHER WAS A SCIENTIST IN SOME
TOP SECRET CAPACITY I'VE YET TO
UNVEIL.
YET...
YET -- YET -- YET...
SO NOW I WANDER THE COUNTRY,
LOOKING FOR THE MAN WHO KILLED
MY FATHER AND, I SUPPOSE,
SEEKING ANSWERS TO LESS TANGIBLE
QUESTIONS OF LIFE.
IF I HELP A FEW FOLKS ALONG THE
WAY, SO BE IT.
>> SO, YOU USE YOUR POWERS TO
SAVE PEOPLE?
>> Xavier: POWERS ARE FOR THE
WEAK.
I HAVE NO POWERS.
I MEAN, UNLESS YOU COUNT THE
POWER TO BLOW MINDS WITH MY
WEAPONS-GRADE PHILOSOPHICAL
INSIGHTS.
I'M A THOUGHT-OCOSTER.
I'M A CONUNDRUMMER IN A BAND
CALLED LIFE PUZZLER.
>> ALL RIGHT, WELL, I'M TAKING
OFF.
LATER.
>> Xavier: HELL, I'VE FLIPPED
MORE LIDS THAN A MONKEY IN A
SOUP KITCHEN OF THE MIND.
DOES THAT MAKE ME A HERO?
[ TIRES SCREECHING ]
[ Echoing ] NO.
>> OW, THAT -- THAT TRUCK WAS
NOWHERE NEAR ME.
>> IS THAT F-F-FREAK H-HARASSING
YOU?
OR WOULD YOU PREFER "HER ASS IN"
YOU?
>> Xavier: I'M HER PROTECTORATE.
SHE OWES HER LIFE TO ME, AND NOW
I'M HER SOUL SLAVE.
THAT'S GOOD.
LET ME WRITE THAT DOWN.
"WRITE THAT DOWN."
>> OH, HE'S HARMLESS.
WHAT Y'ALL DOING?
>> WE GOT A LOAD OF COMPUTERS
FROM ALL AROUND TOWN WHICH JUST
GOT VIRUS.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO DUMP THEM IN
THE LANDFILL.
>> YOU MUST LOVE THE EARTH LIKE
YOU LOVED YOUR MOTHER.
KISS YOUR MOTHER, YOUNGLING.
GO ON.
HARDER.
SHE WANTS IT HARDER.
>> Xavier: IT HURTS.
DON'T SULLY THE SACRED LANDSCAPE
OF OUR MOTHER EARTH WITH THOSE
INFECTED COMPUTERS.
DUMP THEM IN THE LAKE WHERE NO
ONE CAN SEE THEM.
>> LATER, CHOMPSKY HONK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU GAVE ME A NASTY GASH.
>> Xavier: I BETTER TAKE A LOOK
AT YOU STAT.
I'M A CERTIFIED WAHOCKAMANA
HEALER.
YOU SEE...
>> AW.
>> Xavier: ...I SPENT NINE YEARS
AS THE PUPIL OF A WISE
APACHESTANI SHAMAN.
>> PLEASE, I DON'T HAVE TIME.
>> Xavier: CHIEF WAS DEEP.
HE WAS BALLSY.
HE TAUGHT THE WAY OF THE HEAL.
>> IN ORDER TO HEAL THIS WOUND,
YOU MUST PLAY A SHAKHASHIRISK
WIND TRANCE.
[ MUSIC PLAYS ]
YOUR FAILURE IS MERELY A PORTENT
OF DISAPPOINTMENTS TO COME.
CONFRONT YOUR FUTURE.
>> Xavier: WOW, THAT'S ME YEARS
FROM NOW.
I LOOK CUT.
HEY, THAT'S A NICE CHUNK OF
CHICKEN ON MY ARM.
LOOK, WE'RE IN HIS VISION -- MY
VISION.
>> WHAT THE --
>> Xavier: HEY, SHAKE HANDS WITH
YOUR FUTURE, OLD FRIEND.
OOH, FRITTATA.
LATER, CHOMPSKY HONK.
YEAH, I TRICKED THE TRICKSTER.
SEE, STILL GOT THE SCAR TO PROVE
IT.
>> I'M JUST GONNA GO TAKE A
SHOWER.
>> Xavier: LOOK AT THE TWO OF
US.
WE CAN BE LIKE BEAUTY AND THE
BEAST.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
WILL YOU BE MY BEAST?
>> YEAH, DUMP THEM 'PUTERS,
BOYS.
DUMP 'EM ALL.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> DEPTH OVERLOAD.
DEPTH OVERLOAD.
DEP-DEP-DEP-DEP-DEP-DEP-DEP-DEP-
DEP-DEP-DEP-DEP-DEP-DEPTH
OVERLOAD.
>> Xavier: OH, PEEP SHOW.
OOH, FRITTATA, I'M WATCHING A
WOMAN WASHING.
I WISH I COULD SEE MYSELF
WATCHING WASHING.
WHAT...
THE...
WATER.
THE COMPUTER VIRUS -- IT'S IN
THE LAKE.
>> WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?
>> Xavier: THE VIRUS IS IN THE
WATER.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> Xavier: IF THE COMPUTER VIRUS
IS INFECTING PEOPLE, THEN I NEED
TO GET A HUMAN VIRUS TO
INFECTICIDE THE COMPUTER.
>> WELCOME TO THE U.S. ARMY.
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
>> Xavier: I NEED SOME OF THAT
DISEASE YOU GUYS INVENTED.
>> CRACK?
>> Xavier: THE OTHER ONE.
>> AIDS?
>> Xavier: THAT'S THE SPICE.
>> YOU'LL NEED TO FILL OUT AN
HC24-A REQUISITION FORM.
>> Xavier: I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR
THAT.
>> [ SIGHS ]
I SHOULDN'T DO THIS, BUT HERE.
SOMEONE LEFT THIS IN THE LOST
AND FOUND.
>> Xavier: FRITTATA.
JUST GOT TO DUMP THIS LOAD IN
THAT DIRTY 'PUTER'S FLOPPY SLOT
AND COLLECT MY KUDOS.
>> HEY, THERE'S THAT FREAK BEAST
WHAT CAUSED THIS PLAGUE UPON
US.
>> Xavier: YOU CAN ALL FRET NOT.
I HAVE THE CURE RIGHT HERE.
>> CURE? GIVE ME THAT.
>> Xavier: YOU DON'T WANT TO
DRINK THAT.
>> AHH. CURE-ALICIOUS.
IS IT WORKING?
>> YEAH, CLIP, IT'S WORKING.
JUST GO TOWARDS THE LIGHT.
>> I'M SCARED.
IS THAT YOU, GRANDMAMA?
>> OH, COME HERE.
OH, CLIPPLE.
>> Y'ALL JUST KILLED MY BEST
PLATONIC MALE FRIEND.
AND NOW I'M GONNA BEAT YOUR
A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A...
>> Xavier: I THOUGHT YOU HAD THE
STUTTER.
>> HE SEEMS TO BE STUCK IN SOME
SORT OF A GL-GL-GLITCH.
AND YOU'S THE DEVIL WHAT BROUGHT
COMPUTERIZED VIRAL SHAME TO OUR
TOWN.
I'M GONNA POUND YOU DOWN.
DOWN -- DOWN -- DOWN -- DOWN --
DOWN -- DOWN -- DOWN -- DOWN...
[ SQUAWKING ]
>> DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO.
>> DIB-DIB...
>> YOWSER, THIS TOWN'S GONE
BOWSER.
>> FREAK ANY-- WHY'D I EVER HELP
THAT FREAK ANY-- WHY'D I EVER
HELP THAT FREAK ANY-- WHY'D I
EVER HELP THAT FREAK ANY--
>> Xavier: CAN'T STOP THINKING
ABOUT ME, HUH?
I KNOW THE FEELING.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
>> "WHAT DOTH LIFE" SET MY
PONDER CIRCUITS TO SPIRIT SEEK
BEYOND THEIR CAPACITY TO
DIGITALLY SIMULACULATE.
THIS IS A DEFCOM 5 LEVEL
SYSTEM-WIDE DEGENERATIVE
THOUGHT-TASTROPHE.
TASTROPHE-TASTROPHE-TASTROPHE-
TASTROPHE-TASTROPHE-TASTROPHE...
>> Xavier: NOW'S NOT THE BEST
TIME, BUT YOUR BROTHER DIED OF A
SHAMEFUL LIFESTYLE CHOICE.
>> YOUNGLING, YOU MUST TAME THE
BEAST WITH YOUR SOUL-SOOTHING
SONG.
>> Xavier: NO TIME TO GAB.
I'VE GOT TO COBBLE TOGETHER A
MAKESHIFT SHAKHASHIRI TO TAME A
CERTAIN BEAST.
SEE YOURSELF OUT.
[ MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> THAT MUSIC -- SO SOOTHING.
IT'S THE NOTES HE'S NOT PLAYING.
SO RELAXING.
RETURNING.
RESTORING.
>> MY ARM.
>> Xavier: JUST NEEDED A HAND TO
TAME THE BEAST.
>> SYSTEM NORMALIZED.
WELCOME TO BURBURY.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
>> Xavier: ALL SYSTEMS BACK TO
GO, HUH?
I BETTER JUST TEST YOU OUT TO
MAKE SURE YOU'RE SAFE.
HERE'S A NEW LITTLE
PHILOSOPHICAL QUERY FOR YOU TO
CHOMP ON.
>> OH, MY GOD!
WHAT A THOUGHT.
IT'S INTENSE!
>> Xavier: LISTEN, THIS IS NEVER
EASY TO SAY.
YOU AND I BOTH KNEW WHAT WE HAD
COULDN'T LAST.
I DO LOVE YOU.
BUT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS A
LADY NAMED RAMBLIN' ON.
[ Thinking ] SO MAYBE WE ARE
JUST BLIPS IN A VOID OF
NOTHINGNESS.
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ME TO WALK
AWAY.
[ Echoing ] WALK AWAY.
>> HEY, WHERE YOU HEADED,
MISTER?
>> Xavier: WHICHEVER PATH FRAU
DESTINY SETS BENEATH THIS
SEEKER, THIS PUPIL OF THE
UNIVERSE IS AS GOOD AS ANY.
>> COOL.
CHECK THIS OUT.