>> Xavier: THEY SAY 'TIS OFTEN
THE TINIEST AMONG US HATH THE
BIGGEST NEEDS.
YOU HEAR THAT?
OF COURSE I DO.
I'M THE ONE WHO ASKED.
EASY, STRANGER.
YOUR LEG LOOKS DISLOCATED PRETTY
BAD.
I'LL POP IT BACK IN, BUT IT'S
GONNA HURT.
READY?
INHALE.
HOLD.
HALE.
ALWAYS GLAD TO HELP MY BRETHREN
IN THE KINGDOM OF LIFE.
MAYBE SOMEDAY YOU WILL HELP ME.
>> WHAT THE HUMAN INTIMATES YOU
DOING, FREAK?
BESTIAL-ULATING THAT SKEETER?
>> Xavier: I'M JUST A SIMPLE
WARRIOR FOR PEACE TRYING TO DO
RIGHT BY GOD'S CREATURES.
>> YOU SEE WHAT THIS WEIRDO HERE
IS SAYING?
>> WAIT, WHICH WEIRDO?
>> Xavier: I BELIEVE THAT WE ARE
ALL ONE.
BY HELPING THIS TINY MOSQUITO,
IN A WAY, I'M HELPING YOUR
MOTHER.
>> HE'S COMPARING THE UNIVERSAL
ONENESS OF ALL LIFE TO YOUR
MAMA!
TAKE THAT!
>> OOH, FRITTATA.
>> TASTE THE PAIN!
TAKE THAT!
[ BUZZING ]
>> MY EYE!
MY VISUAL CONNECTION TO THIS
BEAUTIFUL WORLD HAS BEEN
SEVERED!
>> I GOT YOU, DANG SKEETER.
TASTE -- TASTE -- TASTE --
>> Xavier: FRITTATA.
YOUR INTERSPECIAL COMBAT WAS
NOBLE, WISE MOSQUITO.
WHAT'S WRONG?
YOU'RE FLYING ALL FUNNY.
DID HE CLIP YOU?
[ BUZZING ]
FRITTATA.
DON'T YOU DARE DIE ON ME.
[ Echoing ] NO!
TO BE A HERO, YOU HAVE TO GO
LOOKING FOR TROUBLE.
WHEREVER THERE IS SUFFERING, I
WAS THERE.
WHEREVER THERE IS INJUSTICE, I
WAS THERE.
AND WHEREVER THERE IS CRYING...
I'M RIGHT HERE.
WHAT'S WRONG, KID?
>> THESE GUYS -- THEY WERE
MEXICAN, THEY WERE GANG MEMBERS,
AND THEY SMASHED MY MASCOT
COSTUME.
>> Xavier: YOU NEED TO SLOW IT
DOWN.
RELAX.
INHALE.
HOLD.
AHH.
HOLD. HOLD.
LITTLE LONGER.
HOLD.
HALE.
NOW, WHO DID THIS TO YOU?
>> THESE GUYS -- THESE
MEXICANS -- THEY CARVED THEIR
TAG ON ME, AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO
BE THE NEW MASCOT OF THE TEAM,
AND THEY WERE MEXICANS, AND THEY
RUINED MY COSTUME --
>> Xavier: I COULD BE YOUR
COSTUME.
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN FIT INSIDE
ME?
>> NO, BUT YOU COULD TELL PEOPLE
I'M INSIDE YOU AND GO PUT ON A
SHOW AS THE MASCOT AND MAKE
EVERYONE LOVE ME, 'CAUSE THEY
THINK IT'S ME, NOT YOU.
>> Xavier: YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
GO UNDERGROUND AND HIDE.
>> HEY THERE, HO THERE, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN.
YOUR CRAZIES HAVE A BRAND-NEW
MASCOT WHO'S PLAYED BY
PERCY HANDFISHER, A SOPHOMORE
WHOSE PARENTS WERE RECENTLY
KILLED IN A THRESHER.
[ BOOING ]
TROUBLED HIGH, GIVE A WARM,
TROUBLED, HEY THERE, HO THERE TO
YOUR TROUBLED CRA-A-ZY!
[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> ♪ ARE YOU PREPARED FOR THIS
MOMENT? ♪
♪ ARE YOU PREPARED FOR THIS
MOMENT? ♪
♪ ARE YOU PREPARED FOR THIS
MOMENT? ♪
>> ♪ ARE YOU PREPARED FOR THIS
MOMENT? ♪
>> HEY THERE, HO THERE, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, THE OPPOSING TEAM
IS SO INTIMIDATED BY YOUR
TROUBLED CRAZY MASCOT, THEY ARE
FORFEITING THE GAME THANKS TO
PERCIVAL HANDFISHER.
>> PERCY, I WANT TO BE YOUR
GIRLFRIEND!
I WANT YOU, PERCY!
>> YOU DID GOOD, PERCY.
SORRY FOR BEATING YOU UP BEFORE.
>> Xavier: I CAN TAKE IT.
I'M TOUGH ENOUGH TO JOIN YOUR
LITTLE GANG.
>> NOBODY HAS EVER SURVIVED OUR
INITIATION.
COME GIVE IT A TRY.
HERE'S MY CARD.
IT'S GOT EMBOSSED-GOLD 12-POINT
COURIER FONT ON BONE-WHITE
SEMIGLOSS STOCK.
>> BONE WHITE?
I THOUGHT WE ALL AGREED TO GET
EGGSHELL WHITE.
ABSURDITY!
>> I'M THE LEADER!
I SAY BONE WHITE!
[ Thinking ] ITS HAUNTING
ELEGANCE IS SO RESTRAINED.
SEE YOU TONIGHT, PERCY, AND WEAR
THE COSTUME.
>> Xavier: CHIEF MASTER GURU,
YOU HAVE SO MANY WISDOMS LEFT TO
TEACH ME.
YEARS OF YOU AND I TOGETHER.
>> OF COURSE, YOUNGLING.
UH, WHAT'S THAT BEHIND YOU?
>> Xavier: I DON'T SEE ANY--
CHIEF MASTER GURU!
I VOW TO RAMBLE THESE WORLDS AND
FIND THE EVIL ONES WHO DID THIS
TO AVENGE YOUR DEATH.
>> THAT GETS RID OF THAT
HEADACHE.
YES, AVENGE ME.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> Xavier: CHIEF?
I DID IT.
YOU WERE A HIT.
EVERYONE LOVES YOU NOW.
YOU EVEN HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
>> REALLY? IS HE DISABLED?
>> Xavier: BUT STAY HIDDEN FOR A
WHILE.
I WANT TO INFILTRATE THE GANG.
I JUST MAY HAVE SOME AVENGING
CHIEF BEEF TO QUEEF.
>> NO, I CAN'T STAY DOWN HERE.
>> CALM IT DOWN.
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
INHALE.
HOLD.
HOLD. HOLD.
[ ALARM BLARES ]
>> I DON'T HAVE YOUR MONEY, MAN.
>> THEN I'M TAKING BACK WHAT'S
MINE.
NOW BOIL HIS BLOOD AND GET OUR
DRUGS BACK.
CHARGE HIM A RECYCLING FEE.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
PERCY, I'M SURPRISED YOU SHOWED
UP.
>> Xavier: WELL, I'M NOT
SURPRISED ABOUT HOW MUCH I LIKE
TO DO CRIME.
>> YOU JUST PASSED THE FIRST
TEST.
NOW PASS THE SECOND.
WE JUST ORDERED A PIZZA, AND
WHEN IT COMES, YOU HAVE TO KILL
THE DELIVERYMAN.
>> Xavier: OKAY, BUT I WANT TO
KILL HIM OUTSIDE, ALONE, IN THE
DARK.
>> IT'S OKAY.
WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN WAY OF
KILLING.
ME, I LIKE TO KILL ON THE BEACH.
>> I LIKE TO KILL TO MUSIC.
>> IT'S KIND OF EMBARRASSING,
BUT I LIKE TO KILL ON THE
TOILET.
I THINK IT'S BECAUSE, WHEN I WAS
A KID...
>> KID, YOUR MOTHER JUST DIED.
>> [ FARTS ]
>> MOCHO, THAT'S NOT WHY YOU
LIKE TO KILL ON THE TOILET.
THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T LIKE
CEREAL.
>> OH, YEAH.
>> Xavier: YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO
BE DEAD RIGHT NOW, BUT HERE --
20 BUCKS.
GET OUT OF TOWN AND START A NEW
LIFE.
>> HEY, THANKS, MISTER.
THANKS FOR THE SHOT.
>> Xavier: I KILLED HIM HARD.
PULLED OUT HIS HEART AND SHOWED
IT TO HIM, AND HE WAS LIKE,
"NICE."
>> BIEN.
NOW PHASE TWO.
YOU HAVE TO WATCH US EAT THE
PIZZA WITH NARY A SLICE FOR
YOURSELF.
>> HEY, HE FORGOT OUR
CUCKOO-BREAD.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
>> UH, I KNOW I'M DEAD, BUT I
FORGOT TO GIVE YOU YOUR
CUCKOO-BREAD.
>> A G-G-GHOST!
>> YOU GOT A GHOST TO BRING US
CUCKOO-BREAD.
>> PERCY!
YOU HAVE SHOWN TRUE LOCO SPIRIT.
I THINK YOU ARE A PRIME
CANDIDATE FOR OUR ANNUAL
PAUPER-TO-PRINCE PROGRAM.
>> I THOUGHT THIS WAS MY YEAR.
>> ONCE A YEAR, WE LET ONE
NOVICE MEMBER SIT IN AS GANG
LEADER FOR A WEEK.
I BENEFIT, AS I GET TO SEE THE
GANG FROM A NOVICE PERSPECTIVE,
AND THEN YOU BENEFIT BY
EXPERIENCING THE HARDSHIPS THAT
COME WITH THE ADMINISTRATIVE
ROLE THAT I PLAY.
>> Xavier: I'M GAME.
>> PERCY, I CROWN THEE TEMPORARY
LEADER OF THE LOCAL LOCOS.
>> Xavier: WHAT'S ON THE DOCKET
FOR TODAY?
>> WELL, WEDNESDAY NIGHT IS TAG
TUESDAY, WHERE WE PAINT OUR TAG
ALL OVER TOWN.
>> Xavier: I PROPOSE A NEW LOCO
TAG -- SOLID WHITE.
>> OOH, MINIMALISTA.
>> I CAN THINK SO CLEARLY
WITHOUT ALL THE VISUAL CLUTTER.
>> NOW EVERYONE WILL KNOW THE
LOCOS ARE CRAZY ABOUT
POSTMODERNIST AESTHETIC
CONTEXTUAL REFRAMING.
[ ALARM BLARES ]
OKAY, THURSDAY NIGHT IS MAILROOM
MONDAY.
WE JUST GOT OUR NEW SHIPMENT.
>> Xavier: WHAT DO YOU DO IF THE
COPS COME KNOCKING?
>> WE TOILET-FLUSH THE DRUGS.
>> Xavier: LET'S STAY ONE STEP
AHEAD OF THE COPS.
FLUSH THEM NOW.
>> I LIKE.
ONE STEP AHEAD OF THE POLICíA.
[ FLUSHES ]
>> Xavier: HOLD. HOLD.
HOLD. HOLD.
HALE.
>> [ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
THAT WAS --
>> Xavier: OKAY, INHALE, PERCY.
>> [ INHALES DEEPLY ]
>> THIS IS THE VERY SORT OF
FORWARD THINKING THE
PAUPER-TO-PRICE PROGRAM WAS
MEANT TO ENGENDER.
FRIDAY NIGHT IS TACO TUESDAY.
>> Xavier: THIS WEEK, INSTEAD OF
EATING TACOS, LET'S JUST
TALK...OH.
>> All: OH.
>> Xavier: SO, WHO WANTS TO
SPILL IT FIRST?
WHAT DO YOUR HEART SPIRITS HAVE
TO SAY TO YOUR MIND-SACS?
>> I GUESS I TEND TO USE MY
SWITCHBLADE AS A DEFENSE
MECHANISM.
>> YOU GUYS ARE THE ONLY FAMILY
I HAVE -- MAYBE BECAUSE YOU GUYS
KILLED MY FAMILY.
>> BEFORE TONIGHT, I COULD NEVER
EXPRESS MYSELF WITH WORDS.
I ALWAYS DID IT LIKE THIS.
[ "LA CUCARACHA" PLAYS ]
>> [ CRYING ]
>> YOU'RE RIGHT -- RAPE IS NOT
AN EXCUSE.
IT'S A REASON, AND TONIGHT,
EVERYTHING SEEMS SO REASONABLE.
>> I'M BIG NOW, BUT I RECENTLY
DROPPED 230 POUNDS.
YEAH, I DUMPED YOUR WIFE!
I GUESS I TOLD THAT JOKE AS A
WAY TO AVOID THE REAL ISSUE.
I LOVE YOUR WIFE.
SHE DUMPED ME.
>> HOW DO THEY EXPECT ME TO STAY
OUT OF JAIL?
THAT'S WHERE ALL MY STUFF IS.
>> HERE'S WHY I NEVER TAKE OFF
MY SHIRT WHEN WE GO SWIMMING.
>> SO SHE SAYS, "OH, THAT PUPPY
IS THE CUTEST THING IN THE
WORLD."
AND IT'S LIKE, I'M STANDING
RIGHT HERE, MOM.
I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE.
>> MAYBE I DO HAVE MORE ISSUES
THAN A MAGAZINE STAND, BUT ALL
THOSE MAGAZINES ARE PURO FANCY.
I NEVER WANTED TO BE A VATO.
I JUST WANT TO GROOM AND TRAIN
POODLES.
>> I SECRETLY GROOM AND TRAIN
POODLES.
>> ARE YOU GUYS MESSING WITH ME?
WHENEVER YOU TURN YOUR BACK, I
SECRETLY GROOM AND TRAIN
POODLES.
WATCH.
TURN YOUR BACK.
I'M DOING IT.
I'M DOING IT!
>> I CAN'T SEE.
MY BACK IS TURNED.
>> Xavier: PASSION -- THIS IS
WHAT GANGBANGING OUGHT TO BE
ABOUT.
>> THANK YOU, PERCY, FOR SHOWING
US HOW TO FOLLOW OUR BLISS.
WE'RE OUT OF THE DRUG GAME
FOREVER.
>> OH, NO.
SHINY'S COMING TO TOWN, AND HE
WANTS HIS DRUG SHIPMENT.
WE JUST FLUSHED OURSELVES A
DEATH SENTENCE.
>> Xavier: WHO'S SHINY?
>> HE'S ONLY THE BIGGEST DRUG
DEALER SINCE TRUMAN.
>> HE'S SO RICH, HE HAD EVERY
CELL IN HIS BODY PLATINUMED.
>> Xavier: WELL, YOU JUST HAD
EVERY CELL IN YOUR BODY
PASSIONED.
TELL SHINY TO MEET US AT THE
DOCKS.
>> WHERE'S MY DRUGS, CHALAZA?
>> Xavier: I'M THE LOCAL LOCO
LEADER NOW, AND WE'RE OUT OF THE
DRUG GAME FOR GOOD.
FROM NOW ON, "L.L." STANDS FOR
"SUPPORTIVE COMMUNITY OF
CONNECTED SPIRITS."
>> YOU GIVE UP YOUR GAME, AND
I'LL GET YOU A JOB AT THE JOBBY
JOB CENTER.
>> Xavier: NO DEAL, SHINY.
>> FIFI, CUDDLES!
>> I DON'T GET IT.
>> Xavier: NOW!
[ BARKING ]
>> ARE YOU PREPARED FOR THIS
MOMENT?
>> Xavier: [ Slowly ] FRITTATA!
>> I DON'T WANT PERCY TO BE OUR
LEADER ANYMORE.
>> YOU SHOULD HAVE PICKED ME.
>> GIVE...ME...BACK...MY...SON!
WAIT...SORRY...I...MEAN...DRUGS!
[ BUZZING ]
>> THAT'LL GIVE YOU TIME TO
REFLECT.
>> I ACCEPT JESUS CHRIST INTO MY
HEART AS MY PERSONAL SAVIOR!
YES, MADE IT!
[ GROANS ]
>> I KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO WITH
SHINY NOW.
>> Xavier: YOU WERE SO SEXY OUT
THERE, SKEETER-BEAST.
YOU'RE MY PASSION.
>> SORRY, BUT I'M WITH SOMEONE
WHO DOESN'T LIE ABOUT WHO THEY
ARE ON THE INSIDE.
COME ON, PERCY, LEND ME SOME
SUGAR.
>> Xavier: AND NOW I RAMBLE
FORTH ON MY ENDLESS JOURNEY TO
BE THE GREATEST AID-SPREADER OF
ALL TIME.