>> Xavier: IT'S THE DRUMBEAT TO
WHICH OUR SPIRITS DANCE.
IT'S ONLY THE SIZE OF A FIST,
BUT IT PACKS A LOT MORE PUNCH.
SOME FOLKS SAY ITS EVERY BEAT IS
THE SOUND OF GOD KICKING AN
ANGEL IN THE FACE.
MY HEART'S BEATING TO HEAL THE
SUFFERING.
I WANT TO SPREAD THAT BEATING
AROUND TO THOSE LESS FORTUNATE
THAN...
>> AND SO THE RABBI SAID, "NO,
YOU HAVE CHICKEN MOUTH."
>> Xavier: HEY, YOU RUFFIANS,
LEAVE THAT POOR GIMP ALONE.
>> WHO YOU CALLING "GIMP,"
WEIRDO?
>> Xavier: HE PROBABLY CAN'T
TELL YOU'RE MOCKING HIM.
HE'S OBVIOUSLY SLOW.
>> ROBBY'S NOT SLOW.
HE'S A GENIUS.
>> Xavier: WELL, HE'S GOT A
FUNNY WAY OF SHOWING IT.
LOOK.
I'M NOT 'TARDED LIKE ROBBY HERE,
SO I KNOW THAT A GROUP OF
STRAPPING BUCKS AS COOL AS YOU
WOULD NEVER WASTE YOUR TIME WITH
A BOY WHOSE LEGS ARE AS DEAD AS
A THANKSGIVING TURKEY WITH ALL
THE TRIMMINGS.
>> YOU APOLOGIZE RIGHT NOW.
>> Xavier: I'LL NEVER APOLOGIZE
FOR DEFENDING THE WEAK, THE
MEEK, AND THE USELESS.
PLUS, I'M A BOARD-CERTIFIED
WAHAKAMANA HEALER, AND THE WINDS
OF FATE HAVE SENT ME HERE TO...
[ CHANTING ]
>> GET YOUR HANDS OFF HIS LEG,
YOU PERV!
>> TAKE THAT.
>> TASTE THE PAIN.
>> IT'S CRANBERRY SAUCE.
>> TAKE THAT.
>> COME ON, ROBBY.
LET'S GO WASH THE POOR.
>> I'LL CATCH UP TO YOU GUYS.
I APOLOGIZE ABOUT MY FRIENDS,
MISTER.
THEY'RE JUST PROTECTIVE.
SO WHAT ARE YOU?
>> Xavier: I'M THE ANSWER TO ALL
YOUR PRAYERS, BLOWN INTO YOUR
DEAD LAP BY THE WINDS OF FORTUNE
TO BE YOUR LIFE CRUTCH.
>> LET ME GET THOSE FACIAL
ABRASIONS SUTURED.
>> Xavier: CUTE.
YOU WANT TO HELP ME.
THE PUPIL EMULATES THE MASTER.
>> COME ON.
MY DAD'S A DOCTOR.
HIS OFFICE IS RIGHT OVER HERE.
>> Xavier: THIS IS YOUR POP'S
CHOP SHOP, HUH?
>> YEAH.
HE'S A CHRISTIAN-SCIENTIST
DOCTOR.
HE HEALS WITH PRAYER.
>> PAGING DR. HOLLIS.
WE'RE READY FOR THE OPERATION.
>> OH, SHOOT.
I GOT TO -- I GOT TO GO MAKE
WATER.
>> SPRAY IT. DON'T SAY IT.
POOR KID'S NERVOUS AROUND HIS
NEW LIFE MYSTIC.
PEEP SHOW.
>> OKAY, THIS IS GONNA BE A
ROUTINE DOUBLE BYPASS.
BOW YOUR HEADS, PLEASE.
DEAR LORD, WE JUST WANT TO THANK
YOU FOR YOUR GUIDING TOUCH.
LET'S GET ON WITH IT.
SCALPEL, LORD.
AND OH, LORD, WE JUST PRAY YOU
CAN MAKE A LATERAL INCISION IN
THE "CHESTICAL" CAVITY.
AND IN THIS TIME OF NEED, OH,
LORD, WE JUST PRAY YOU REPLACE
THE ARTERIAL VALICE WITH A
SYNTHETIC FLANGE GRAPPLER.
I SAID ARTERIAL VALICE, LORD.
WHAT, DID YOU SWITCH TO DECAF?
COME ON!
>> Xavier: [ Thinking ] I'D LIKE
TO SEE THIS GUY PRAY AN
ABORTION.
>> WIPE, LORD?
HOAGIE, LORD?
>> Xavier: THIS GUY'S PRETTY
GOOD.
OF COURSE, I WOULD HAVE GONE
WITH THE GRINDER.
>> AND SEW HIM UP.
IN YOUR ALMIGHTY NAME WE PRAY.
AMEN.
YOU'RE GONNA LIVE.
STAY OFF THAT KNEE FOR A WEEK.
>> OH!
HOW MUCH DID YOU SEE?
>> Xavier: HOW MUCH DID YOU SEE?
>> IT'S JUST CHRISTIAN SCIENCE.
THAT'S ALL.
OKAY, YOU CAUGHT ME.
IT'S ALL A TRICK.
IT'S JUST STRINGS AND MAGNETS.
SEE? I DO IT ALL.
>> Xavier: PRETTY INGENIOUS,
KID.
YOUR BRAIN'S DOING ALL THE
LEGWORK AROUND HERE.
>> IF MY DAD FOUND OUT I WAS
USING SCIENCE TO HELP HIM WITH
HIS CHRISTIAN SCIENCE, HE'D BE
CRUSHED.
PROMISE YOU WON'T TELL HIM ABOUT
ALL THIS.
DADDY CAN'T EVER KNOW ABOUT MY
LAB.
HE THINKS SCIENCE IS EVIL, AND
THE LORD HEALS ALL.
>> Xavier: HOW DOES HE EXPLAIN
THE FACT THAT HIS OWN SON'S LEGS
MAKE ME WANT TO PUKE ALL OVER
THEM?
>> HE NEVER SAYS THAT.
THESE ARE MY INVENTIONS.
THIS IS SPREADABLE BREAD.
AND IT'S SELF-EATING.
>> Xavier: AMAZING.
I FEEL SO FULL.
I GOT TO USE THE BATHROOM.
>> I GOT THAT COVERED.
[ TOILET FLUSHES ]
BUT MY GREATEST AMBITION I DON'T
KNOW IF I'LL EVER ACHIEVE.
I WANT TO MAKE LIFE IN A PETRI
DISH OUT OF INERT CHEMICALS.
>> Xavier: KID, LIFE IS JUST
DEATH IN DRAG.
DON'T DO ANY WEIRD STUFF LIKE
THAT.
>> THAT'S DANGEROUS!
>> Xavier: NEEDS COCONUT.
TASTES A LITTLE BITTER.
IT COULD USE SOME COCONUT.
>> MAYBE A FIBROUS PROTEIN IS
JUST WHAT IT NEEDS.
A COCONUT WOULDN'T WORK.
BUT COCO-NUT, MY ARTIFICIAL
COCONUT SPREAD, MIGHT.
LIFE!
THAT DID IT!
I CREATED LIFE!
>> Xavier: OH, YEAH?
ONE TIME I CREATED SOMETHING,
CALLED A "THURRITO."
IT'S A BURRITO WITHIN A BURRITO
WITHIN THE HEART OF THAT SAME
BURRITO.
IT'S A TOTAL MIND-BLINDER, BUT
YOU DON'T HEAR ME BRAGGING ABOUT
IT ALL OVER YOUR FACE.
>> I JUST THINK THIS IS PRETTY
SIGNIFICANT.
>> Xavier: YOU'RE NOT BETTER
THAN ME, OKAY?
JUST 'CAUSE YOU CREATED LIFE
DOESN'T MAKE YOU SOME KIND OF
GOD.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN LIFE.
>> I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE YOU
JEALOUS.
I JUST --
>> Xavier: CONDESCENSION -- THE
LAST REFUGE OF THE DIFFERENTLY
ABLED.
"CRYPICAL."
DON'T TALK DOWN TO ME FROM DOWN
THERE ON YOUR SPARKLING HIGH
HORSE.
YOU ARE JUST AS UGLY ON THE
INSIDE AS YOU ARE ON THE
OUTSIDE.
>> I FEEL I'M REASONABLY
ATTRACTIVE.
>> Xavier: OH, YEAH?
STAND UP AND SAY THAT TO MY
FACE.
OH, YEAH, I FORGOT.
YOU CAN'T STAND.
SO MAYBE I HAVE A MEMORY
PROBLEM, BUT AT LEAST I CAN --
UH, I CAN DO THE...
>> STAND?
>> Xavier: NO, THANKS, GUY.
I'M BEAT.
NOW WHERE WAS I?
OH, YEAH, I WAS WALKING OUT OF
HERE.
YOUR THURRITO-HATING EGO-TUDE
JUST TURNED YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL
INTO YOUR GUARDIAN ENEMY.
>> ♪ YOUR HEART FEELS LIKE
EXPLODING ♪
>> YOU'D BE SO PROUD OF ME, MOM.
I'M NOT GONNA BE ANOTHER
EINSTEIN.
>> Xavier: IT'S NOT JUST MY
HEART THAT'S HARDENING.
[ BELL DINGS ]
>> ANOTHER DEVIL'S-FOOD CAKE,
DOCTOR?
IT'S YOUR THIRD ONE TODAY.
>> I'M HOOKED ON THESE.
WHAT'S THE SECRET?
>> I FILL EACH CAKE WITH A DOZEN
DEVILED EGGS.
>> THAT'S WHAT IT IS!
WELL, I TELL YOU.
I'D SWIM THROUGH A LAKE FULL OF
WATER FOR THESE CAKES.
THAT'S THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD
PUT OUT THE RAGING FIRE IN MY
BELLY FOR THESE CAKES.
>> THAT'S AN ODD THING TO SAY.
>> Xavier: DOC, YOUR SON SHOWED
ME HIS PRIVATE PLACES, AND NOW
I'M GOING TO SHOW THEM TO YOU.
>> MAGNETS AND WIRES!
SO ROBBY WAS CONTROLLING
EVERYTHING.
IT'S ALL LIES.
>> Xavier: NOW HE'S PLAYING THE
ULTIMATE LIAR.
HE'S PLAYING GOD RIGHT
UNDERNEATH YOUR NOSE.
>> SO ALL THIS GOD STUFF WAS A
LIE?
IT'S ALL JUST SCIENCE?
MY LIFE IS A LIE.
THEY'RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT ME!
I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THAT.
I CAN'T LIVE!
>> Xavier: LISTEN, BRO.
GOOD HANG, BUT I GOT TO MOTOR.
GOT TO TAKE A FLOAT ON A GLOAT
BOAT IN LAKE JUST DESSERTS.
HEARD YOUR DAD FOUND OUT ABOUT
YOUR LAB OF LIES.
>> WHAT? IS HE MAD?
>> Xavier: HE'LL GET OVER IT.
>> ALL THAT IS REAL IS
ANNIHILATION.
>> DO YOU THINK SO?
>> Xavier: KNOW SO.
>> DAD?!
>> Xavier: JUST LIKE YOU'LL GET
OVER THAT.
YOU NEED TO MOVE ON FROM LOSING
YOUR FATHER BACK THERE.
YOU NEED CLOSURE.
>> CLOSURE?!
THE EXPLOSION HASN'T EVEN ENDED
YET.
>> IT SURE SEEMS LIKE THAT
EXPLOSION IS LASTING A LONG
TIME.
>> HEY, LOOK, MOM.
THIS EXPLOSION AIN'T STOPPING.
>> WOULD YOU MIND TAKING A PHOTO
OF ME AND MY WIFE WITH THE
EVER-EXPLOSION?
>> T-SHIRTS!
GET YOUR EVER-EXPLOSION
T-SHIRTS!
>> RED-HOT EVER-BOOMING
EXPLODING-ONION ON A STICK!
>> CHILI CORN CONE EGG!
EVER-EXPLOSION OF FLAVOR!
>> DON'T GET A CHILI CORN CONE
EGG!
GET A CHILI CONE CORN EGG!
>> Xavier: [ Thinking ] THAT
HEARTBEAT...IT'S -- MY GOD.
LISTEN UP.
THIS IS NOT AN ORDINARY
EXPLOSION.
IT'S ALIVE.
>> SHUT UP!
>> THAT WEIRDO'S GOT A HARD-ON
FOR THE EXPLOSION!
>> Xavier: PLEASE.
YOU'RE MAKING IT ANGRY.
YOUR MAKING ITS SOUL ANGRY.
>> ANGRY?
EXPLOSION'S TOO STUPID TO GET
ANGRY.
>> THAT THING HAS NO MORE SOUL
THAN AN EXPLODING MONKEY!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THEY'RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT
ME!
[ DISTORTED VOICE ]
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> Xavier: OH, MY GOD.
IT'S ALIVE!
>> I KNEW IT!
>> OUT OF THE WAY!
WE'RE GONNA BLOW IT UP!
>> Xavier: YOU'RE JUST MAKING IT
STRONGER.
DON'T WORRY, EVERYONE.
I'LL KILL THE EXPLOSION.
BUT HOW?
WHAT DOES AN EXPLOSION WANT?
WHAT IS EVER-EXPLOSION BAIT?
>> I'D SWIM THROUGH A LAKE FULL
OF WATER FOR THESE CAKES.
THAT'S THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD
PUT OUT THE RAGING FIRE IN MY
BELLY FOR THESE CAKES.
>> THAT'S AN ODD THING TO SAY.
>> Xavier: THANKS, MADDY.
THIS WILL LURE HIM TO THE LAKE.
YOO-HOO, COME AND GET IT.
DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO GET TO
THE LAKE?
DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO GET TO
THE LAKE?
DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GET TO THE
LAKE?
DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GET TO THE
LAKE?
DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO GET TO
THE LAKE?
OH, NO, I'M HEADED RIGHT TOWARDS
THE CYCLONE.
DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO GET TO
THE LAKE?
CAN YOU TELL ME HOW TO GET TO
THE LAKE?
>> HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET
THERE?
BY CAR?
>> Xavier: I'M DRIVING RIGHT
NOW.
>> OKAY, FIRST, YOU'RE GOING TO
WANT TO GET IN YOUR CAR.
THEN, YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO START
YOUR CAR.
A LOT OF PEOPLE GET HALFWAY TO
THE LAKE, AND THEY REALIZE THEY
FORGOT TO START THEIR CAR.
>> Xavier: WHAT?
>> I'M JUST JOSHING YOU.
THAT'S JUST LAKE HUMOR.
>> Xavier: OH, I'LL FIND IT
MYSELF.
>> MAN, I'LL NEVER SELL THESE
ARROWS.
AAH!
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
>> ENOUGH.
LISTEN. I CREATED YOU.
YOU'RE MY MISTAKE.
DAD?
>> Xavier: YOUR FATHER CURSED
GOD.
HE ABANDONED ALL HE BELIEVES IN.
DON'T TRUST HIM.
HE WANTS TO EXPLODE US ALL.
>> LISTEN, DAD.
AS YOUR SON AND YOUR CREATOR, I
REALIZE I WAS WRONG TO
DISRESPECT YOUR RELIGION.
NOW THAT I CREATED LIFE, I NOW
BELIEVE IN GOD, 'CAUSE I BELIEVE
IN ME.
IT'LL BE OKAY IF YOU JUST
SURRENDER YOUR HEART TO GOD.
WE CAN START OVER.
>> Xavier: YOU KNOW, THIS IS
PRETTY GOOD FOR CAKE.
IT ACTUALLY WORKS.
>> COME HERE AND GIVE ME A HUG,
DAD -- ME AND BELIEF.
>> Xavier: FRITTATA!
>> [ ROARS ]
>> SORRY I HAD TO DO THIS, DAD,
BUT I CAN'T LET THE ARMY GET A
HOLD OF A WEAPON AS POWERFUL AS
YOU.
I PROMISED MOM I WOULDN'T BE
ANOTHER EINSTEIN.
>> Xavier: AT LEAST HE DIED WITH
GOD IN HIS HEART.
YOU CAN TASTE IT.
COULD USE A LITTLE COCONUT.
>> WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE?
>> Xavier: UH, NOTHING.
I MEAN, I JUST ATE THE HEART OF
AN EXPLOSION.
>> ♪ THE HEART OF AN EXPLOSION ♪
>> Xavier: ALWAYS TOUGH TO KILL
YOUR DAD, BUT YOU MADE THE RIGHT
CHOICE, KID.
I GUESS YOUR BRAIN ISN'T AS DUMB
AS YOUR LEGS.
JUST DON'T GO ENTERING YOUR LEGS
IN ANY SPELLING BEES.
MIGHT GET STUNG.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
AS YOUR SPIRITUAL FATHER, I WILL
ALWAYS BE HERE WITH YOU.
WELL, I GOT TO RAMBLE.
THEY SAY WHEN YOU DIE, YOU
[BLEEP] YOUR PANTS, BUT NOT ME.
I'M GONNA [BLEEP] MY HEART.