>> Xavier: YIN.
YANG.
THIS WORLD IS STITCHED FROM A
BALLET OF OPPOSING FORCES.
WHAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF DAY?
>> NIGHT!
>> Xavier: WHAT'S THE OPPOSITE
OF BLACK?
>> WHITE!
>> Xavier: WHAT'S THE OPPOSITE
OF SALT?
>> PEPPER!
>> Xavier: NO.
THEY'RE JUST TWO SPICES TRYING
TO GET BY.
>> SHALAM! YOU GOT ME.
YOU'RE SO SMART.
SO...
>> [ SOBBING ]
THAT'S THE WAY I CRY.
[ CONTINUES SOBBING ]
THAT'S THE WAY I CRY.
>> Xavier: I WAS TRAINED FOR 22
YEARS TO FIGHT WITH MY FEET.
BUT IT TAKES A REAL MAN TO
CONSOLE WITH HIS FEET.
>> THAT'S-A SO NICE.
SUCH-A COMPASSIONATE PIGGIES.
>> Xavier: UNLOAD YOUR TROUBLES
UNTO ME, EVEN IF IT'S TOUGH TO
SWALLOW.
I'M USED TO SWALLOWING HUGE
LOADS.
>> I'M-A GONNA GO BROKE.
I'M-A JUST A SIMPLE SHOP OWNER.
I'M-A GONNA GO OUT OF THE
BUSINESS.
>> Xavier: I'M GOING TO HELP
YOU, EVEN IF IT KILLS US BOTH.
WHAT IS THIS PLACE?
>> EVERY MORNING, WITH MY HANDS,
I SPLICE-A GENETICALLY UNIQUE
DOMESTIC ANIMALS.
BUT NOBODY SHE WANT-A THE FREAKY
PET.
>> Xavier: THIS ALL LOOKS LIKE
GOOD PRODUCT.
NICE PLACE.
>> I GOT-A THE CHEEKY
CHIPMUNKY -- 90% OF CHEEK.
I GOT-A THE POCKET HIPPO.
ALL THE CUTE OF THE HIPPO WITH
ALL THE GOT-A THE POCKET.
I GOT-A THE DEER-CAT.
I GOT-A THE GIRUPPY.
I GOT-A THE FUNNY-BUNNY.
I GOT-A THE PANDELEPHANT-BABY.
AND I GOT-A THE UNFUNNY-BUNNY.
THAT'S A GOODIFUL PET TO MEET.
>> Xavier: OR A LITTLE OF EACH.
>> I EVEN GOT-A THE BAG-A THE
PURR.
WE GONNA HAVE-A TO PUT THEM TO
THE DEATH.
AY, CHIHUAHUA!
POOR AY-CHIHUAHUA.
MY WHOLE-A FAMILY BEEN LIVING
OFF OF THE DONKEY KONG CHOPS FOR
WEEKS.
>> Xavier: IT'S NOT YOUR STORE.
YOU NEED A 'TUDE COLONIC TO
ENVISUALIZE YOUR SUCCESS.
LUCKY FOR YOU, I'M AN
EIGHTH-DEGREE IMAGINATIONIST.
PICTURE WITH ME THIS STORE
CROWDED WITH CUSTOMERS, SWARMED
WITH PATRONS.
>> IT'S-A WORKING.
MY EYES -- SHE SEES-A SUCCESS.
I'M-A FILLED WITH-A HOPE.
>> Xavier: ACT NATURAL.
SEE THOSE GUYS OVER MY LEFT
SHOULDER?
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A LITTLE
ODD THAT THEY'RE WEARING
TRENCH COATS?
>> THAT'S-A NO BIG DEAL.
>> Xavier: IT'S 95 DEGREES
OUTSIDE.
I THINK SOMETHING'S ABOUT TO GO
DOWN.
STAY CALM.
FOLLOW MY LEAD.
>> YOU, EMPTY OUT THE REGISTER,
OR THE OLD MAN GETS DEAD.
>> Xavier: HE DOESN'T NEED THIS
MONEY.
HE'S GOT-A THE POWER OF POSITIVE
THOUGHTS.
>> THAT WAS THE LAST OF MY
CASHAMAZOO.
I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE HOW MY
FAMILY WILL SUFFER AND STARVE.
>> Xavier: I CAN HELP YOU
VISUALIZE THAT, TOO.
>> DADDY, YOU SAID I COULD
CHOOSE ANYTHING I WANT FOR MY
DAY GIFT, DADDY.
>> JUST PICK IT QUICK, SON.
I'S NEGLECTING MY POOR OIL
FIELDS.
>> DINO-GOOSE -- BORING.
WOLF-AKEET, GYNO-MOOSE -- SLEEPY
BEEF.
ALL BORES ME.
I CAN'T ABIDE BOREDOM.
I'LL NEVER FIND A PET UNIQUE
ENOUGH TO PLEASE ME.
>> Xavier: THIS INSOLENT
MICROBILLIONAIRE IS CRUISIN' FOR
A BRUISIN'.
CRAWLIN' FOR A BRAWLIN'.
ACHIN' FOR A SPIRITUAL
AWAKENIN'.
POEM DONE.
>> I WANT THAT ONE, DADDY.
BUY HIM.
>> HOW MUCH FOR THIS ONE?
>> Xavier: I AM NOT FOR SALE.
>> HEE-HEE. HOW SILLY.
HE AMUSES ME, DADDY.
BUY HIM.
>> LOOK, I'LL GIVE YOU $3,000 TO
SPEND TWO HOURS WITH MY SON.
>> Xavier: I HAVE MY DIGNITY.
MY DIGNITY?
>> THAT'S WHY IT'S FUNNY.
IF YOU DON'T GET HIM FOR ME, I
SWEAR I'LL START LOVING MOMMY
MORE THAN YOU.
>> I'LL GIVE YOU $50,000 FOR ONE
DAY WITH MY SON.
>> Xavier: GIVE THE MONEY TO
HIM.
I'LL DO IT.
BUT ONLY TO TEACH THIS LITTLE
BRAT THE FUTILITY OF HIS GREEDY
WAYS.
>> I'M GONNA NAME HIM AFTER ME.
COME ON, ME.
WRAP HIM UP.
>> Xavier: AND NOW THE GURU
SHALL MAKE THE PUPIL HIS
UNDERLING.
THE NIBLET SHALL SUP FROM THE
EAR.
THE POET SHALL MAKE THE METAPHOR
HIS MEANING.
AND THE DANCER SHALL MAKE
MOVEMENT IN HIS UNITARD.
>> A PRESENT? FOR ME?
OH, GOODY.
IT'S PERFECT.
>> Xavier: I HAVE AGREED TO TAKE
YOU ON AS MY DISCIPLE, BUT YOU
MUST OBEY MY EVERY ORDER.
>> SIT, BOY.
SIT, ME.
>> Xavier: I'M GONNA BREAK YOU
DOWN USING NAVAHO MYSTICISM OR
CHEROKEE FISTICISM.
>> WISE ELDERS TAUGHT THAT
RESORTING TO VIOLENCE WILL NEVER
CHANGE A PERSON ON THE INSIDE.
IN CONFLICT, YOU MUST RIP YOUR
OPPONENT A NEW ASSHOLE IN HIS
CONSCIOUSNESS.
SOON, HIS MIND WILL BE OPEN TO
ALL TRUTH.
ALL HOLE.
NO ASS.
>> Xavier: BUT, MASTER, YOU
CAN'T PUNCH SOMEONE WITH YOUR
MIND.
>> HOLD THIS BOARD.
>> Xavier: IDIOT.
HE TOTALLY MISSED THE BOARD.
>> SIT SO I CAN RIDE YOU.
>> Xavier: I'LL USE MY MENTAL
JUDO ON THE BOY.
"IF I ALLOW YOU TO CONTROL ME,
YOU SURRENDER CONTROL TO ME,"
JUST QUOTH THE WISE MAN.
>> GALLOP.
GO! FASTER!
FASTER!
>> Xavier: THE MASTER KNOWS
THESE MATERIAL POSSESSIONS ARE
MEANINGLESS.
>> YOU'RE RIGHT.
THEY MEAN NOTHING.
SMASH THINGS.
SMASHING IDEA.
OH, IT IS FUN.
>> Xavier: THE MASTER KNOWS IT
IS WRONG TO WASTE.
>> OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
EAT IT.
EAT IT OFF THE FLOOR.
LICK UP MY WASTE.
>> Xavier: NOW I'VE GOT HIM
EATING OUT OF THE PALM OF MY
BRAIN.
WOULD YOU TREAT YOUR GRANDMOTHER
THIS WAY?
>> OH, GRAND IDEA.
YOU DRESS UP LIKE MY DEAD
GRANDMUMMY.
>> Xavier: MASTER SAYS THE FORCE
OF INNER DIGNITY WILL ERODE THE
HUMILIATION OF YOUR OPPRESSORS.
>> HEE-HEE-HEE. YOU'RE SO FUNNY.
SMASH YOURSELF IN THE RAISINS,
GRANDMUMMY.
>> Xavier: BY SMASHING MYSELF IN
THE RAISINS, I'M SMASHING YOUR
MIND IN THE BALLS.
[ GRUNTS, GASPS ]
IT DIDN'T WORK.
[ GROANS ]
>> WHY ARE YOU MAKING THOSE
HORRID GROANING SOUNDS?
>> Xavier: I'M IN PAIN, YOU
LITTLE TURDLET.
>> SILLY.
PAIN IS A MYTH MADE UP BY POOR
PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO WORK.
TEARS ARE AS REAL AS A UNICORN'S
HORN.
I'VE GOT A UNICORN'S-HORN BELT.
LET'S PLAY A BOARD GAME.
I'M BORED.
I WIN!
WHAT'S MY PRIZE?
WHERE ARE YOU HIDING MY PRIZE?
>> Xavier: YOUR PRIZE IS UP
HERE.
>> IS IT A PUPPY?
WE BETTER WHIP OPEN THE CRATE
BEFORE HE SUFFOCATES LIKE ALL
THE REST.
>> Xavier: I'VE GOT A GAME TO
PLAY.
>> OH, GOODY. FINALLY A GAME.
IT'S BEEN SO LONG.
I WANT TO PLAY.
>> Xavier: IT'S A ROLE-PLAYING
GAME.
WE'LL SWITCH PLACES.
OH, HELLO.
I AM THE FANCY SON OF
COFFERS WORTHINGTON.
YOU MUST DO WHAT I SAY.
I OWN YOU.
>> BUT I'M JUST AN INSOLENT PET,
AND I BRISTLE AT THE ORDERS OF
MY OWNER.
I JUST WANT TO YAMMER ON ABOUT A
DUMB WISE MASTER AND HAVE SILLY
FLASHBACKS.
>> Xavier: WELL, GO AHEAD.
HAVE ONE.
>> [ Echoing ] WHAT?
>> YOUR SUPERIORITY IS A GRAY
PHANTOM.
TO REACH TRUE ENLIGHTENMENT, YOU
MUST LEARN TO BECOME ONE WITH
THE UNIVERSE.
>> WHERE AM I?
WHO ARE YOU, OLD MAN?
HAVE SOMEONE BRING ME MY
BRAMBLEBERRY BROTH.
CHOP-CHOP.
>> ONCE YOU CONNECT TO THE
MOTHER CONSCIOUSNESS, YOU SEE WE
ARE ALL THE SAME CREATURE IN
DIFFERENT FORMS.
>> THIS PLACE BORES ME, AND I AM
GOING HOME.
I CAN'T BE LATE FOR -- FOR MY...
NIGHTMARE.
[ BIRD SCREECHES ]
>> IF THIS IS WRETCHED MISERY,
DADDY, THEN WHAT IS THIS
MOISTURE SEEPING FROM MY
BEAUTIFUL EYES?
>> YOU'VE MADE THE BREAKTHROUGH.
YOU HAVE DISCOVERED SUFFERING.
AND SO YOU CAN RETURN.
>> SO PAIN IS REAL.
I HATE IT!
I INTEND TO BUY UP ALL THE
SUFFERING IN THE WORLD AND DROWN
IT IN THE OCEAN LIKE A KITTEN.
>> Xavier: I KNOW MUCH ABOUT
SUFFERING.
I HAVE BEEN A STUDENT OF PAIN.
THE SUM OF MY LIFE PONDER CAN BE
GLIMPSED BY PEERING THROUGH MY
PSYCHE CRYSTAL.
WRONG SIDE.
THROUGH HERE.
>> EVERY LUXURY HAS A DEEP
PRICE.
EVERY INDULGENCE, A COSMIC
COST.
EACH FIBER OF PLEASURE YOU
EXPERIENCE CAUSES EQUIVALENT
PAIN SOMEWHERE ELSE.
THIS IS THE FIRST LAW OF
EMODYNAMICS.
JOY CAN BE NEITHER CREATED NOR
DESTROYED.
THE BALANCE OF HAPPINESS IS
CONSTANT.
FACT -- EVERY TIME YOU EAT A
BITE OF CAKE, SOMEONE GETS
HORSEWHIPPED.
FACTOR -- EVERY TIME TWO PEOPLE
KISS, AN ORPHANAGE COLLAPSES.
FACTEST -- EVERY TIME A BABY IS
BORN, AN INNOCENT ANIMAL IS
SEVERELY MOCKED FOR ITS PHYSICAL
APPEARANCE.
DON'T BE A PLEASURE HOG.
YOUR EVER SMILE IS A DAGGER.
HAPPINESS IS MURDER.
VOTE "YES" ON PROPOSITION 1231.
THINK OF SOME KIDS.
SOME KIDS.
>> MY FROLICKING LIFE OF
LAUGHTER HAS BLOOD ON ITS HANDS.
CAKE TASTES LIKE A WHIPLASH ON
MY TONGUE.
I FARTED ON THE DOORKNOB OF
JUSTICE.
WAIT UNTIL MY DADDY FINDS OUT
ABOUT THIS.
HE'LL HELP WITH ALL HIS
WONDERFUL MONEYS.
>> Xavier: YOUR DAD IS THE WORST
OF IT ALL.
HE INVENTED THE WORTHINGTON
SPORT RIGGER.
>> DADDY WOULD NEVER ABIDE THIS
IF HE COULD SEE THE WORLD
THROUGH THE EYES OF THE WISE
NATIVE TRIBESMEN.
>> Xavier: GREAT IDEA.
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
WE INJECT YOUR FATHER WITH THIS
INDIAN BLOOD.
HE'LL SEE THE WORLD AS A NOBLE
INDIAN.
>> [ SNORING ]
THIS IS HOW I SLEEP.
>> GO, BLOOD.
CLEANSE MY DADDY'S GREED-STRICT
CHAKRA.
>> I FEEL THE INDIAN BLOOD
COURSING UP THROUGH MY SOUL.
I AM A NATIVE AMERICAN.
AT LEAST 15%.
THAT MEANS I CAN OPEN ME UP A
CASINO.
YEE!
[ CHANTING ]
HOW, Y'ALL.
INJUN CHIEF WORTHINGTON HERE
SAYING COME ON DOWN TO MY
SPANKIN'-NEW FIREWATER CASINO.
COME BET ON RED.
OUR SLOTS ARE LOOSER THAN LOCAL
SQUAW.
AND WE GOT THE TRAIL OF BEERS
POKER LOUNGE.
MY TRIBE'S GENOCIDE IS YOUR
BONA FIDE.
COME SEE IF YOU CAN WIPE US OUT,
CHIEF SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM
SAYS.
>> IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM,
WAMPUM.
>> AND, FELLERS, IT'S ALL BUILT
ON AN ANCIENT INJUN STRIP CLUB.
THEIR TOTEM POLE DANCES AND LAP
RAIN DANCES WILL MAKE YOUR POLE
DANCE AND YOUR LAP RAIN.
JUST GOT TO KEEP MY INJUN BLOOD
LEVELS UP TO THE LEGAL LIMIT,
AND I'LL GET RICHER EVERY DAY.
>> Xavier: PUT DOWN THE NEEDLE.
WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO DO THAT?
>> FROM YOU, ALL RIGHT?
I LEARNED FROM WATCHING YOU.
>> DADDY, HOW CAN YOU DISGRACE
THE SACRED NATIVE
INTERCONNECTEDNESS?
I WANT UNIVERSAL ONENESS.
CAN'T YOU BUY IT FOR ME, DADDY?
>> SOON, I CAN BUY YOU THE DANG
OLD MOON, BOY.
I MOVED MY OIL PUMPS TO THE
INJUN BURIAL GROUND, AND I'S
ABOUT TO HIT THE MOTHER VEIN AND
SUCK OUT THAT SWEET WAMPUM
SAUCE.
>> Xavier: THE PROPHECY IS
FORETOLD.
BY DEFINITION, A PROPHECY IS
THAT WHICH IS FORETOLD.
>> EUREKA!
WE DONE STRUCK RED GOLD!
UH-OH.
THE PROPHECY.
[ MEN WHOOPING ]
>> Xavier: SAVAGES.
THEY'RE KILLING WOMEN AND
CHILDREN.
IF PROP 1231 HAD PASSED, THIS
WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED.
ONLY ONE THING CAN SAVE US NOW.
IT'S ALL HOOKED UP.
LET HER BLOW.
NOW GO ON.
RE-GENOCIDE THOSE SAVAGES OVER
THERE SO WE DON'T HAVE TO FIGHT
THEM HERE.
[ MEN WHOOPING ]
MY GOD.
THIS CEMETERY'S TAINTED WITH
ARAB BLOOD.
>> JI-I-I-HAD!
[ MEN WHOOPING ]
>> Xavier: YOU CAN TAKE IT FROM
HERE, RIGHT, KID?
>> NO. I DON'T THINK SO.
I JUST WANT TO --
W-WHERE DID HE GO?
>> Xavier: WHELP, I GUESS IT'S
TIME FOR ME TO RAMBLE ON -- TO
MOSEY DOWN THAT ROAD OF LIFE.
AND HEY, VOTE "YES" ON
PROPOSITION 1231.
THE KIDS -- A WHOLE, HUGE, BIG
BUCKET OF KIDS.