>> Xavier: IT'S WHAT SEPARATES
THE WHEAT OF BEASTS FROM THE
CHAFF OF CHAPS -- FREE WILL.
MAN'S MOST POTENT MIRAGE.
DO I HAVE THE FREE WILL TO TURN
THIS DESERT INTO AN OCEAN?
>> ALLOW THAT I SHOULD WEAVE
THEE A TALE OF A LAND ANGEL, A
SAND-SEEKER WHO PERCHANCED UPON
A CROSSROADS.
HE STOOD AT THE FORK, AWASH IN
THE FECULENT KNOWLEDGE THAT
WHICH PATH HE CHOSE WOULD BRAND
HIS LIFE EVERMORE.
HE OPENED THE EAR OF HIS SOUL'S
EYE TO PROVIDENCE, UNWILLING TO
MOVE UNTIL HE WAS SURE WHICH
DIRECTION WAS HOLY MOST.
FINALLY, HE FELT A COSMIC HAND
GUIDING HIM TO THE PATH ON THE
LEFT.
>> HEY, FREAK.
WE DON'T COTTON TO WEIRDOS IN
OUR TOWN.
SO SCRAM BEFORE I MAKE YOU TASTE
PAIN.
>> Xavier: DEAD?
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
WHAT'S THE AFTERLIFE LOOK LIKE?
WHAT VISIONS?
HE'S DEAD.
COMPUTER, EXPLAIN.
>> XAV-V-V-V-IER, ACCORDING TO
MY RESEARCH, SOMETHING VERY
WEIRD HAPPENED HERE.
>> Xavier: IF I COULD JUST KNOW
WHAT LED UP TO ALL OF THIS.
>> CAN YOU GET AHOLD OF SOME
BRAIN MATTER FOR A MEMORY
EXTRACTION?
>> Xavier: NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D
ASK.
>> BEFORE WE SING OUR GLORIOUS
PRAISE TO THE LORD, IT IS MY SAD
DUTY TO ANNOUNCE THAT OUR
SIGN-LANGUAGE TRANSLATOR HAS
DONATED HER HANDS TO THE NEEDY
GROPER SOCIETY.
IN HER PLACE, WE HAVE POPO, A
VERY SPECIAL GORILLA FROM THE
RESEARCH CENTER WHO HAS BEEN
STUDYING SIGN LANGUAGE UNDER THE
TUTELAGE OF MY WIFE, JUNE, FOR
THREE YEARS.
>> ♪ RISE AND SHINE AND GIVE
GOD... ♪
>> THIS GORILLA IS GOOD.
SHE'S BLESSED WITH THE HOLY
SPIRIT.
>> THAT ANIMAL...SO BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT ARE THESE FEELINGS COMING
OVER ME?
IS SHE CAPABLE OF FEELING THE
SAME WAY OF ME?
>> [ GRUNTING ]
>> STRANGE.
I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE IS RAPING ME
WITH THEIR EYES.
>> Xavier: OOH, THAT WOMAN.
SO BEAUTIFUL.
I JUST KNOW SHE FEELS THE SAME
WAY ABOUT ME.
SHE WAS TOTALLY CHECKING ME OUT.
YEAH, WE'RE SOUL MATES.
I SHALL NOW VOW TO MAKE HER MY
BRIDE.
THERE -- VOW LOCKED IN.
>> YOU ARE MY SPIRITUAL GUIDE.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
DARE I FOLLOW MY HEART DOWN THIS
UNNATURAL PATH?
>> LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT SHALL
PASS UNTO THEE IF YOUR HEART YOU
FOLLOW.
I JUST NEED A QUARTER.
>> WHAT HAVE I DONE?!
>> I'M TOO OVERCOME TO SPEAK
ABOUT MY HUSBAND'S MYSTERIOUS
DEATH.
BUT POPO HAS ASKED TO SAY A FEW
WORDS.
WHAT'S THAT, POPO?
SHE'S SAYING THAT THIS TIME OF
GREAT LOSS ILLUMINATES THE BONDS
WE SHARE AS A COMMUNITY.
AND FOR THAT, WE MUST GIVE
PRAISE TO THE LORD.
NOW SHE'S BEING VERY ELOQUENT,
SAYING SOME VERY TOUCHING
THINGS.
SHE'S BEING MOVING.
STILL BEING MOVING.
>> IT'S SO MOVING!
>> THIS GO-RILLA IS GO-ING
PLACES!
>> POPO IS GIVING THANKS FOR
EVERYONE WHO COULD MAKE IT HERE.
POPO IS OFFERING FAITH IN JESUS
AS AN ALLEVIATION TO THE DEEP
FEARS IN YOU...
>> Xavier: I VOW THAT WHEN I
MARRY HER, I'LL GIVE HER 100
FLOWERS EVERY FIVE MINUTES.
[ GRUNTS ]
VOW LOCKED IN.
>> ...SOCIETY DON'T ACKNOWLEDGE.
IT'S VERY TOUCHING.
>> OH, IT'S SO TOUCHING.
>> SHE'S TUGGING DEEPLY
INGRAINED HEARTSTRINGS NOW.
>> PRAISE THE LORD!
>> POPO IS URGING YOU TO DISMISS
THE POWER OF YOUR RATIONAL MIND.
SHE'S USING FEAR OF DEATH,
PLAYING IN YOUR INSECURITIES.
THERE'S A ROCK-SOLID ELEGANCE TO
THE ARGUMENTS.
>> SO ELEGANT.
>> POPO IS SHATTERING YOUR
SOULS.
SHATTERING SOULS.
POPO IS TAKING OBVIOUS METAPHORS
TOO LITERALLY.
NOW SHE'S DOING SIGN LANGUAGE.
SHE'S MOVING HER HANDS.
SHE'S SIGNING IN TONGUES.
SHE'S LIFTING HER VOICE, SUCH AS
IT WERE.
SHE'S RAISING OUR SPIRITS.
NOW SHE'S TOUCHING HER FECES AS
THEY COME OUT OF HER BOTTOM.
NOW SHE'S SNIFFING HER FINGER.
OH, SHE OVEREXERTED HERSELF.
>> DADDY!
>> HONEY, I'VE BEEN MOVED BY A
BEAST.
COME, SIT.
YOU'RE 16 NOW, AND I KNOW YOU'VE
HAD SEX.
>> OF COURSE.
YOU KNOW THAT, DADDY.
>> WELL, WE'RE CHRISTIANS, AND I
WANT YOU TO SIGN A REVIRGINATION
PLEDGE TO ME AND THE BIG MAN
UPSTAIRS.
>> Xavier: WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
WHERE DID JUNE GO?
I VOW TO SEE HER AGAIN.
[ GRUNTS ]
VOW LOCKED IN!
>> I GOT A CONTRACT AT CHURCH.
>> OH, NEAT. LET ME SEE.
>> NO NEED TO READ EVERY WORD,
HONEY.
IT'S ALL STANDARD LANGUAGE.
BOILERPLATE.
IT JUST SAYS YOU VOW TO BE A
BORN-AGAIN VIRGIN AND NEVER HAVE
SEX OUT OF WEDLOCK.
>> SURE, DADDY.
>> AND INITIAL HERE AND HERE.
BITE DOWN ON THIS.
AND WRITE YOUR MEASUREMENTS
HERE.
>> I'M A VIRGIN AGAIN.
>> NOT YET.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
>> HYMEN GUY.
>> OH, GOOD. HE'S HERE.
>> HYMEN GUY.
>> WHO'S THIS?
>> YOU WANTED TO BE A VIRGIN
AGAIN.
HE'S GONNA MAKE THAT DREAM A
REALITY FOR YOU.
>> BUT I DON'T WANT A NEW HYMEN.
I WANT TO GO OUT.
>> YOU SHOULD HAVE READ THE
CONTRACT.
>> NOW, YOU GOT A BUNCH OF
CHOICES.
WE GOT THE TROPICAL BEACH.
THAT'S PIÑA COLADA-CHERRY
FLAVORED.
WE GOT THE GROWLER, THE GOBBLER,
FANGS FOR THE OVARIES.
WE GOT THE APPLE DUMPLING GANG,
SIGNED BY DON KNOTTS HIMSELF.
THE FRENCH TICKLER FOR HER
PLEASURE AND HIS AU BON PAIN.
WE GOT THE NATURE'S CANDY, MADE
FROM RECYCLED ELEPHANT HYMEN AND
RAISINS.
THE GRAY LADY.
IT REALLY DELIVERS.
THIS IS THE RICE ROCKET.
YOU DON'T WANT IT.
IT'S JAP CRAP.
THE WE SHALL OVERCOME.
THE MUD FLAPS.
TURN IT INSIDE OUT.
IT'S A DUVET.
MOONS OVER MY H-OVARIES.
THAT'S AN ANAL HYMEN.
THE LOX BOX, FOR FRIGID JEWS.
THEY ALL COME WITH THE FREE
BANANA, EXCEPT FOR THE WE SHALL
OVERCOME.
>> WE WANT THE BASIC MODEL.
NOTHING FANCY.
STANDARD DOUBLE-WIDE.
>> DADDY, THIS ONE HAS AN MP3
PLAYER.
CAN I?
>> I COULD NEVER SAY NO TO A
VIRGIN.
>> TURN IT ON.
>> WE'RE BACK.
WCRST -- SUCCOTASH AND THE BIRD
IN THE MORNING.
THE CHRISTIAN ZOO RADIO
HOOTY-HOO, FEATURING SUCCOTASH
AND THE BIRD IN THE MORNING.
ACCEPT THE SAVIOR, GET INTO THE
GLORIOUS KINGDOM OF HEAVEN.
SUCCOTASH, SUCCOTASH.
CALL US UP, WIN SOME CASH!
WE GOT CHRIST, WE GOT FAITH, WE
GOT TRAFFIC ON THE 1s, WEATHER
ON THE WHAT?
WE GOT POPO THE PREACHIN'
GORILLA IN THE STUDIO.
HOW YOU DOING TODAY, POPO?
KING OF MAKING A SPLASH IN THE
PREACHING SCENE.
MAKE A SPLASH, MAKE A SPLASH,
SUCCOTASH.
CALL US UP, WIN SOME CASH!
WELL, IT'S 5:55.
LET'S CHECK IN ON THE 5 W's.
WE GOT WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE,
WHY -- HOW'S THE WEATHER THIS
MORNING?
>> WEATHER'S ON THE TRAFFIC.
TRAFFIC'S ON THE --
>> NO TIME.
SUCCOTASH, SUCCOTASH.
WIN SOME CASH!
ACCEPT CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART.
LOOK DOWN ON US FROM THE
GLORIOUS KINGDOM OF HEAVEN.
POPO, I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE
STARTING YOUR OWN 700 CLUB.
SEVEN'S A PRIME NUMBER.
YOU'RE IN THE PRIME OF YOUR
LIFE.
LIFE COULD CHANGE.
WIN A CHUNK OF CHANGE.
SUCCO-CASH, SUCCOTASH.
CALL US UP, WIN SOME CASH.
GOT A CALLER ON LINE 7.
ARE YOU THERE?
>> YEAH. DID I WIN SOME CASH?
>> OH! SO CLOSE...
WAS THE PHRASE THAT PAYS.
AND WE GIVE PRAISE.
BOW YOUR HEADS.
THANKS FOR COMING IN, POPO.
COMING UP, WE GOT TRAFFIC ON THE
1s.
IT'S TRAFFIC EVERY ONE SECOND.
THERE'S TRAFFIC!
NO TRAFFIC! THERE'S TRAFFIC!
SIGALERT RAYBIRDS!
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> POPO IS BLESSING YOU ALL FOR
TUNING IN.
AND SHE'S NOW WELCOMING HER
FIRST GUEST.
SEEMS TO BE A FAMOUS CHRISTIAN
HOLLYWOOD ACTOR.
>> THANKS SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME,
POPO.
YOU'RE QUITE AN INSPIRATION.
>> Xavier: I HEREBY VOW TO NEVER
DISAPPOINT YOU.
HUH?
[ GRUNTING ]
HUH? HUH? IT'S NOT WORKING!
[ GRUNTING ]
>> THE AUTHOR IS LOBBING LOBBING
HOLLOW PRAISE AT POPO.
POPO SAYS SHE UNDERSTANDS THE
ACTOR HAS A CLIP OF HIS UPCOMING
MOVIE.
>> YES.
THIS IS A PASSION PROJECT FOR
ME.
IT'S ABOUT A GOOD CHRISTIAN WHO
SACRIFICES EVERYTHING.
AND IN THIS SCENE -- WELL, JUST
TAKE A LOOK.
>> WELCOME TO THE AFTERLIFE.
YOU WILL EXPERIENCE AN ETERNITY
OF INFINITE JOY IN THIS REALM.
>> BUT MY SEXY WIFE IS STILL
DOWN THERE, AND THOSE FILIPINO
GATORS ARE ABOUT TO EAT HER!
>> I'M SORRY. YOU CAN'T GO BACK.
>> I'M NOT TAKING NO FOR AN
ANSWER!
GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HEAVEN.
IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, THE
SON, AND THE -- HOLY SH--
>> LIFTING "SEVENTH HELLVEN"
PART EIGHT TO NUMBER ONE AT THE
BOX OFFICE FOR THE NINTH
STRAIGHT WEEK, THANKS TO THE
POPO-ULARITY OF POPO THE
GORILLA, WHO SOME BELIEVE IS THE
SECOND OR EVEN THIRD COMING OF
THE MESSIAH.
>> MESSIAH OR NOT, POPO HAS
LITERALLY CONVERTED EVERYONE ON
THE PLANET TO CHRISTIANITY.
THAT'S OVER 5 BILLION SERVED.
>> POOR MONKEY.
AND AS YOU MAY NOT KNOW, EVERY
HUMAN ON THE EARTH IS RIGHT NOW
GATHERING IN A CELEBRATION TO
ACCEPT POPO AS OUR UNIVERSAL
SAVIOR.
WE GO THERE LIVE.
>> POPO IS SAYING THAT ONCE WE
ALL ACCEPT HER, WE WILL ASCEND
INTO GLORY.
POPO SAYS 10.
POPO SAYS 9.
>> Xavier: GLORY?
I CAN'T LOSE MY LOVE TO GLORY.
I'VE GOT TO GET HER.
>> POPO SAYS 1.
>> All: WE SURRENDER TO POPO!
POPO!
>> GOD HAS TAKEN HER!
>> All: WHAT THE -- WEIRD!
YOU KNOW, TO BE HONEST, I WAS A
TINY BIT SKEPTICAL ABOUT THIS
WHOLE "POPO'S THE MESSIAH" THING
BEFORE THAT HAPPENED.
BUT NOW I REALLY DO SURRENDER
TO POPO!
>> WE'RE ALL SPECIAL.
>> SO IF I HAVE SEX WITH THAT
GORILLA, THE ENTIRE WORLD WILL
GO TO HEAVEN?
>> BALLS NEVER LIE.
THE WORLD'S HYMEN SHALL BE
RESTORED -- INNOCENCE REGAINED.
>> HOT DOG!
I'M GETTING ME SOME
WORLD-SOUL-SAVING APE
SNOOCHIDOO!
>> SUCKER.
JUST TELL THEM WHAT THEY WANT TO
HEAR -- "FOLLOW YOUR HEART."
>> Xavier: COME ON.
YOU'VE GOT TO ME ABLE TO OPEN
YOUR MOUTH WIDER THAN THAT.
>> XAVIER!
I'VE ANALYZED THE BRAIN
J-J-JUICE.
THE THOUGHTS -- THEY'RE COMING
FROM WITHIN YOUR HEAD!
GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD!
[ Echoing ] GET OUT OF YOUR
HEAD!
>> AND THAT'S WHEN HE REALIZED
THAT TO STAND AND CONSIDER ALL
POSSIBILITIES IS TO DROWN IN A
TUNNELING SEA OF INFINITE
POTENTIALITY.
SO HE CHANGED HIS MIND AND TOOK
THE PATH ON THE RIGHT.
HIS RIGHT.
IF YOU ARE FACING HIM, IT'S YOUR
LEFT.
>> PUSH! HONEY, PUSH!
IT'S SOME KIND OF MONSTER!
>> JUST TWO MORE XAVIERS LEFT.
OUT THERE.
[ Echoing ] SOMEWHERE.
[ BELL TOLLING ]