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>> Xavier: SELF, I DON'T BUY IT.
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AND YOU SAY TO ME, SELF.
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I SAY, YEAH, WHO'S --
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[ EXPLOSION ]
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YEAH, SELF, I GOT BIGGER FISH TO
6
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FRY.
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THE SIX-TON GUPPY IN THE ROOM
8
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IS TO FIND MY FATHER'S KILLER.
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EVERYWHERE I GO, I LOOK.
10
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AND EVERYWHERE I LOOK, I SEE
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CLUES.
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>> SON!
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IT WAS YOU WHO KILLED ME!
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>> Xavier: WHAT KIND OF STUPID
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NAME IS YOOHOO?
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WELL, WHEN I FIND THAT DEMON, I
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SHALL SLAY HIM -- TO DEATH.
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YOOHOO! YOOHOO!
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>> NO, NO, NO, NO.
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NO, NOT YOOHOO.
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IT WAS YOU, DAMN IT!
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YOU, XAVIER -- YOU KILLED YOUR
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OWN FATHER!
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>> Xavier: ME?
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IT WAS I WHO --
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I KILLED MY --
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NO!
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[ Echoing ] NO!
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THE PRIDE I FEEL FOR FINALLY
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FINGERING MY FATHER'S KILLER IS
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DAMPENED ONLY BY THE FACT THAT I
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PROMISED TO KILL MY FATHER'S
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KILLER.
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I FINGERED MYSELF TO DEATH.
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THAT CLOSED CIRCLE OF VIOLENCE
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ENDS HERE AT THE TIP OF THIS
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RAZOR OF JUSTICE AGAINST MY
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THROAT.
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DIE, KILLER.
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GOODBYE, KILLER SLAYER.
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>> WHAT YOU DOIN', BOY?
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[ NECK CRACKS ]
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>> Xavier: FULFILLING A PROMISE
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I MADE TO A WORTHLESS MURDERER.
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I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CUT ONE.
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>> WELL, DON'T.
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YOU'RE SITTING ON MY HAT, FREAK.
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>> Xavier: PLEASE.
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LEAVE ME ALONE.
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I'VE GOT A PIECE OF BUSINESS TO
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ATTEND TO.
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>> Y'ALL GOT A BUSINESS LICENSE?
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>> Xavier: NO, I DON'T.
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>> WHAT IS YOU, A WISENHEIMER?
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>> Xavier: HOLD THE HEIMER.
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I'M JUST A MAN OF GREAT WISEN.
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NOW SQUEEZE THAT HEIMER TILL IT
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POPS, LIKE A BALLONAFOR FEASTING
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ON THE LIFECHOPS OF HIS OWN
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DEMISE.
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[ NECK CRACKING ]
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>> THAT'S IT! HOLD MY BOOKS.
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I'M GONNA RIP YOU A NEW A-HOLE.
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>> OH, YEAH!
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PROVIDE HIM WITH A FRESH RECTUM.
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>> HOLD MY WALLET AND SUNGLASSES
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WHILE I WHOOP HIM.
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>> OH, YOU'RE GOING DOWN!
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>> BEST HOLD MY CONTACT LENSES,
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TOO, AND MY SILK SHIRT.
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DON'T WANT TO GET ANY BLOOD ON
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IT.
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>> OH, YUMMY!
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THERE GONNA BE BLOOD!
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>> Xavier: PLEASE, WALK AWAY.
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I CAN'T BE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT
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I'LL DO IF YOU BEAT ME TO DEATH.
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>> THAT TEARS IT.
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HOLD MY PROSTHESIS.
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>> OH, YOU ARE IN FOR A NUBBIN'.
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>> Xavier: I'VE GOT NO BEEF WITH
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YOU.
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I'M WOEFULLY BEEFLESS.
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>> WELL, I'M ABOUT TO MAKE YOU
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TEETHLESS.
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OH, HOLD ON TO MY TEETH.
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[ Muffled ] AND HOLD ON TO MY
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TATTOO AND MY ROBOTICAL.
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>> I AIN'T NEVER SEEN HIM THIS
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HEATED SINCE THE INCIDENT.
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>> Xavier: PLEASE, HOP AWAY.
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YOU SEEM LIKE SMART GUYS.
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DON'T TURN STUPID ALL OF A
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SUDDEN.
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>> THAT'S SLANDER!
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ALL WE GOTS TO DO NOW IS SIT
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BACK, LET THE JUDICIAL SYSTEM DO
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ITS JOB, AND WATCH THE DOLLARS
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ROLL IN.
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COME ON!
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>> OR...I COULD LET
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CLARENCE THOMAS HERE SERVE OUT
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HIS OWN BRAND OF BLACK JUSTICE.
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>> OH, YOU WANT I SHOULD HOLD
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YOUR TOUPEE, TOO, WHILE YOU FIST
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HIM UP, BOSS?
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>> YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO TELL
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ABOUT THE --
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T-THAT'S IT!
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TAKE THAT.
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>> TASTE THE PAIN.
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>> TAKE THAT.
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>> TASTE THE TOU-TOU-TOU-PAIN.
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>> Xavier: YOU MIGHT AS WELL
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JUST FINISH ME OFF.
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>> I'S GONNA DO YOU ONE WORSE.
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I'M GONNA SHAVE YOU DOWN AND
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MAKE ME A WRIST-HAIR MOUSTACHE.
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THIS W.H.M. IS GONNA BE SWEET!
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HUH?!
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I-I DIDN'T KNOW.
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I-I'M SORRY, MISTER.
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COME -- COME ON, TATER.
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>> WHAT HAPPENED, BOSS?
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>> Xavier: THESE NUMBERS.
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WHAT COULD THEY BE FROM?
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I NEED CONCENTRATION.
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CONCENTRATION -- THAT'S IT!
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IT'S A PHONE NUMBER.
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IT MUST BE MY REPRIEVE, A
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LAST-MINUTE COSMIC PARDON FROM
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THE GOVERNOR OF CIRCUMSTANCE.
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[ Dial tone ]
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[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
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>> Self: HELLO? HELLO?
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>> Xavier: HELLO?
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>> Self: WHO'S THIS?
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>> Xavier: WHO'S THIS?
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>> Self: I'M ASKING THE
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QUESTIONS.
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I CALLED YOU.
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>> Xavier: NO, I CALLED YOU.
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AND YOU SOUND LIKE THE UGLIEST
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SON OF A BITCH I EVER HEARD.
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>> Self: YOU SOUND LIKE THE
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PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF SOME
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LOSER'S INNER DEMONS.
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>> Xavier: WELL, YOU SOUND
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LIKE SOME TOTAL CHODE'S
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INABILITY TO CONFRONT THE
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REALITY OF HIS PAST ACTIONS.
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>> Self: IF I EVER GET YOUR
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STINKY MUG IN MY LINE OF SIGHT,
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I SWEAR TO JACK OFF, I'LL COCK
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YOUR CLOCK OFF.
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>> Xavier: WELL, I'M GOING TO BE
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THE BIGGER MAN AND HANG UP FI--
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[ RECEIVER CLICKS ]
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DAMN IT!
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LISTEN, WE DON'T COTTON TO
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FREAKS 'ROUND THESE PARTS.
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SCRAM, WEIRDO.
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>> Self: OH, YEAH?
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I DON'T POLYCOTTON TO
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COPINGTROPES, EVEN MY OWN.
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SO WHY DON'T YOU SPLIT?
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>> Xavier: LOOKS LIKE I ALREADY
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DID.
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YOU'RE THE SAD FIGMENT OF MY
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TWISTED PSYCHE'S TRAGIC
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DIVIDEND.
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YOU'RE THE UN-ME.
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I'M THE REAL ME.
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YOU WANT TO BE ME?
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>> Self: KIDDO, I WAS THE REAL
176
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ME WHEN YOU WERE STILL IN MY
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SHORT PANTS.
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>> Xavier: HATE TO BREAK IT TO
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YOU, BUT I WORE THEM FIRST.
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ME BEQUEATHED THEE THE
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PSYCHOPATHOLOGICAL
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HAND-YOU-DOWN.
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>> Self: SO YOU'RE THE ONE WHO
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STAINED THEM.
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>> Xavier: WHOEVER FOUND IT
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BROWNED IT.
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>> Self: YOU'D LIKE ME TO BE
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YOU, WOULDN'T ME?
189
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BUT IT'S TOO LATE.
190
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YOU SNOZE, YOU LOZE.
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>> Xavier: YOU SLEEPED, YOU
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WEEPED.
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>> Self: YOU NAP-UH, YOU GET
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SLAP-UH.
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>> Xavier: YOU SLUMBER, A
196
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CUCUMBER.
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>> Self: YOU CATCH UP ON SOME
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ZEDS, YOU GET OUT OF MY HEADS.
199
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>> Xavier: YOU SLUMBER, HAM--
200
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BURGER!
201
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I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT
202
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NOTHING ELSE.
203
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>> Self: LISTEN, THIS PSYCHE IS
204
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NOT BIG ENOUGH FOR TWO
205
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METAPHYSICAL SEEKERS.
206
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>> Xavier: YOU COULDN'T SEEK
207
00:05:19,126 --> 00:05:20,876
YOUR WAY OUT OF A CARDBOARD BAG.
208
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,460
>> Self: YEAH, I KNOW, 'CAUSE IT
209
00:05:22,543 --> 00:05:23,418
WOULD BE AN EGG.
210
00:05:23,501 --> 00:05:24,835
>> Xavier: [ Thinking ] OOH!
211
00:05:24,918 --> 00:05:26,043
THIS GUY MIGHT BE BETTER THAN
212
00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:26,960
ME.
213
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>> Self: YOU'RE RIGHT.
214
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I AM BETTER THAN ME.
215
00:05:28,626 --> 00:05:29,960
>> Xavier: LOOK, BUDDY, KNOW
216
00:05:30,043 --> 00:05:31,168
WHEN YOU'RE DEFEATED.
217
00:05:31,251 --> 00:05:32,251
ACCEPT YOUR DEFECATION.
218
00:05:32,335 --> 00:05:33,418
>> Self: NO, THANKS.
219
00:05:33,501 --> 00:05:35,168
I'M FULL, 'CAUSE I EAT PUSSIES
220
00:05:35,251 --> 00:05:36,251
LIKE YOU FOR BREAKFAST.
221
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>> Xavier: LOOK AT YOU.
222
00:05:37,626 --> 00:05:39,168
YOU LOOK SO SUPERFICIAL, YOU
223
00:05:39,251 --> 00:05:40,626
PROBABLY JUDGE THINGS BY THEIR
224
00:05:40,710 --> 00:05:41,668
PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.
225
00:05:41,751 --> 00:05:42,585
>> Self: OH, YEAH?
226
00:05:42,668 --> 00:05:43,918
YOUR MOM'S SO SHALLOW, SHE
227
00:05:44,001 --> 00:05:45,085
PROBABLY THINKS THIS QUIP IS
228
00:05:45,168 --> 00:05:46,210
ABOUT HER.
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>> Xavier: YOU'RE ABOUT AS DEEP
230
00:05:47,293 --> 00:05:49,001
AS A BOWL OF SOUP, AND YOUR
231
00:05:49,085 --> 00:05:50,626
TONGUE IS ABOUT AS SHARP AS A
232
00:05:50,710 --> 00:05:51,501
SOUP SPOON.
233
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>> Self: HEY, SAY WHAT YOU WANT
234
00:05:53,251 --> 00:05:55,210
ABOUT ME, BUT LAY OFF THE SOUP.
235
00:05:55,043 --> 00:05:56,960
>> Xavier: IF YOU LOVE SOUP SO
236
00:05:57,043 --> 00:05:58,793
MUCH, WHY DON'T YOU MARRY SOUP?
237
00:05:58,876 --> 00:06:00,335
>> Self: 'CAUSE I'M ALREADY
238
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MARRIED -- TO JUSTICE.
239
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>> Xavier: YEAH, ONLY A BLIND
240
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GIRL WOULD MARRY YOU.
241
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>> Self: I KNOW EVERYTHING
242
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YOU'RE GONNA --
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>> Xavier: SAY.
244
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AND I KNOW EVERYTHING YOU'RE
245
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GONNA --
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>> Self: DON'T.
247
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>> Xavier: OH, YEAH?
248
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WELL, WHEN GOD WAS PASSING OUT
249
00:06:14,793 --> 00:06:16,251
INSIGHT, YOU THOUGHT HE SAID
250
00:06:16,085 --> 00:06:18,251
THAT WHEN GOD WAS PASSING OUT
251
00:06:18,085 --> 00:06:20,251
HOLY PROPHETS, YOU THOUGHT HE
252
00:06:20,085 --> 00:06:22,168
SAID, "OILY FAUCETS," 'CAUSE
253
00:06:22,251 --> 00:06:24,085
YOUR SOUL HAS DIARRHEA OF THE
254
00:06:24,168 --> 00:06:25,251
MOUTH FAUCET.
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>> Self: ARE YOU SO DUMB YOU
256
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EVEN ANSWER RHETORICAL
257
00:06:29,043 --> 00:06:30,085
QUESTIONS?
258
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>> Xavier: I DON'T KNOW. DO YOU?
259
00:06:31,543 --> 00:06:33,251
>> Self: WE CAN PLAY THIS GAME
260
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ALL NIGHT.
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>> Xavier: FIRST OF ALL, IT'S
262
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DAYTIME, AND THIS IS NO GAME.
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>> Self: CHECKMATE.
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>> Xavier: OH!
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SO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU'RE
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CHECKING ME OUT AND YOU WANT TO
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MATE.
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>> Self: OOH!
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YOU GOT A LICENSE TO SELL
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HOT DOGS, CHICO MAN?
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>> Xavier: NO.
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THEY WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO ME
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BECAUSE WHEN I WAS FILLING OUT
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THE APPLICATION, MY PENIS WAS
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STICKING OUT.
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>> Self: OH, YEAH?
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YOU ONLY GOT ONE PENI?
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LET ME SEE IT.
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>> Xavier: SEE WITH YOUR EYES,
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NOT WITH YOUR MOUTH.
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>> Self: I'LL CALL YOUR BLUFF.
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I'LL SEE YOUR PENIS WITH YOUR
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MOUTH, AND I RAISE YOU WITH MY
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HAND.
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>> Xavier: ANTE UP.
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>> Self: OH! DAMN IT!
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>> Xavier: WHAT'S WRONG?
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>> Self: I CRAPPED OUT, BUT I'M
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TOUGH.
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I CAN SUCK IT UP.
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>> Xavier: OKAY.
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COUNT OF THREE, WE SHOW WHAT'S
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UNDER THE LOINCLOTH.
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WIENER TAKE ALL.
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>> Both: ONE, TWO, THREE.
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>> Self: I GUESS THERE'S ONLY
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ONE WAY TO SETTLE THIS.
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>> Both: A SHAKASHURI BLOWDOWN.
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>> Self: I ASSUME YOU'RE
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FAMILIAR WITH ST. LOUIS RULES.
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>> Xavier: FINE.
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WE'LL BLOW TO THE DEATH.
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>> Self: OKAY. LADIES FIRST.
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>> Xavier: [ GRUNTING ]
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FINE!
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I'LL BLOW FIRST.
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[ LOW-PITCHED MELODY PLAYS ]
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[ HIGH-PITCHED MELODY PLAYS ]
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[ LOW-PITCHED MELODY PLAYS ]
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[ HIGH-PITCHED MELODY PLAYS ]
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[ LOW-PITCHED MELODY PLAYS ]
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[ HIGH-PITCHED MELODY PLAYS ]
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[ LOW-PITCHED MELODY PLAYS ]
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[ UNICORN GRUNTS ]
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[ HIGH-PITCHED MELODY PLAYS ]
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[ LOW-PITCHED MELODY PLAYS ]
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[ HIGH-PITCHED MELODY PLAYS ]
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[ LOW-PITCHED MELODY PLAYS ]
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[ HIGH-PITCHED MELODY PLAYS ]
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[ LOW-PITCHED MELODY PLAYS ]
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[ HIGH-PITCHED MELODY PLAYS ]
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[ LOW-PITCHED MELODY PLAYS ]
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[ HIGH-PITCHED MELODY PLAYS ]
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[ LOW-PITCHED MELODY PLAYS ]
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[ HIGH-PITCHED MELODY PLAYS ]
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[ LOW-PITCHED MELODY PLAYS ]
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[ HIGH-PITCHED MELODY PLAYS ]
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[ MELODIES HARMONIZE ]
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>> AND THAT'S TIME.
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WHOA!
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HECK OF A SHAKASHURI MATCH WITH
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A LOT OF FAST ACTION!
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WHAT DID YOU THINK,
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TAD B. HOLYBURN IN THE SCOOCHIE
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BOOTH?
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>> I THINK A LOT OF THINGS, BUT
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YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA CUT --
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>> YOU KNOW THE STAKES, TAD.
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WHOEVER WINS GETS HIS OWN SHOW.
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AND GUESS WHAT, FOLKS AT HOME.
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YOU GET TO DECIDE.
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THAT'S RIGHT.
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WRITE DOWN ON A POSTCARD WHO YOU
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THINK WON AND SEND IT OFF.
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SEND IT WHERE? YOU DECIDE.
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YOU CHOOSE. IT'S UP TO YOU!
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>> [ Echoing ] IT WAS YOU.