>> Xavier: SELF, I DON'T BUY IT.
AND YOU SAY TO ME, SELF.
I SAY, YEAH, WHO'S --
[ EXPLOSION ]
YEAH, SELF, I GOT BIGGER FISH TO
FRY.
THE SIX-TON GUPPY IN THE ROOM
IS TO FIND MY FATHER'S KILLER.
EVERYWHERE I GO, I LOOK.
AND EVERYWHERE I LOOK, I SEE
CLUES.
>> SON!
IT WAS YOU WHO KILLED ME!
>> Xavier: WHAT KIND OF STUPID
NAME IS YOOHOO?
WELL, WHEN I FIND THAT DEMON, I
SHALL SLAY HIM -- TO DEATH.
YOOHOO! YOOHOO!
>> NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO, NOT YOOHOO.
IT WAS YOU, DAMN IT!
YOU, XAVIER -- YOU KILLED YOUR
OWN FATHER!
>> Xavier: ME?
IT WAS I WHO --
I KILLED MY --
NO!
[ Echoing ] NO!
THE PRIDE I FEEL FOR FINALLY
FINGERING MY FATHER'S KILLER IS
DAMPENED ONLY BY THE FACT THAT I
PROMISED TO KILL MY FATHER'S
KILLER.
I FINGERED MYSELF TO DEATH.
THAT CLOSED CIRCLE OF VIOLENCE
ENDS HERE AT THE TIP OF THIS
RAZOR OF JUSTICE AGAINST MY
THROAT.
DIE, KILLER.
GOODBYE, KILLER SLAYER.
>> WHAT YOU DOIN', BOY?
[ NECK CRACKS ]
>> Xavier: FULFILLING A PROMISE
I MADE TO A WORTHLESS MURDERER.
I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CUT ONE.
>> WELL, DON'T.
YOU'RE SITTING ON MY HAT, FREAK.
>> Xavier: PLEASE.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
I'VE GOT A PIECE OF BUSINESS TO
ATTEND TO.
>> Y'ALL GOT A BUSINESS LICENSE?
>> Xavier: NO, I DON'T.
>> WHAT IS YOU, A WISENHEIMER?
>> Xavier: HOLD THE HEIMER.
I'M JUST A MAN OF GREAT WISEN.
NOW SQUEEZE THAT HEIMER TILL IT
POPS, LIKE A BALLONAFOR FEASTING
ON THE LIFECHOPS OF HIS OWN
DEMISE.
[ NECK CRACKING ]
>> THAT'S IT! HOLD MY BOOKS.
I'M GONNA RIP YOU A NEW A-HOLE.
>> OH, YEAH!
PROVIDE HIM WITH A FRESH RECTUM.
>> HOLD MY WALLET AND SUNGLASSES
WHILE I WHOOP HIM.
>> OH, YOU'RE GOING DOWN!
>> BEST HOLD MY CONTACT LENSES,
TOO, AND MY SILK SHIRT.
DON'T WANT TO GET ANY BLOOD ON
IT.
>> OH, YUMMY!
THERE GONNA BE BLOOD!
>> Xavier: PLEASE, WALK AWAY.
I CAN'T BE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT
I'LL DO IF YOU BEAT ME TO DEATH.
>> THAT TEARS IT.
HOLD MY PROSTHESIS.
>> OH, YOU ARE IN FOR A NUBBIN'.
>> Xavier: I'VE GOT NO BEEF WITH
YOU.
I'M WOEFULLY BEEFLESS.
>> WELL, I'M ABOUT TO MAKE YOU
TEETHLESS.
OH, HOLD ON TO MY TEETH.
[ Muffled ] AND HOLD ON TO MY
TATTOO AND MY ROBOTICAL.
>> I AIN'T NEVER SEEN HIM THIS
HEATED SINCE THE INCIDENT.
>> Xavier: PLEASE, HOP AWAY.
YOU SEEM LIKE SMART GUYS.
DON'T TURN STUPID ALL OF A
SUDDEN.
>> THAT'S SLANDER!
ALL WE GOTS TO DO NOW IS SIT
BACK, LET THE JUDICIAL SYSTEM DO
ITS JOB, AND WATCH THE DOLLARS
ROLL IN.
COME ON!
>> OR...I COULD LET
CLARENCE THOMAS HERE SERVE OUT
HIS OWN BRAND OF BLACK JUSTICE.
>> OH, YOU WANT I SHOULD HOLD
YOUR TOUPEE, TOO, WHILE YOU FIST
HIM UP, BOSS?
>> YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO TELL
ABOUT THE --
T-THAT'S IT!
TAKE THAT.
>> TASTE THE PAIN.
>> TAKE THAT.
>> TASTE THE TOU-TOU-TOU-PAIN.
>> Xavier: YOU MIGHT AS WELL
JUST FINISH ME OFF.
>> I'S GONNA DO YOU ONE WORSE.
I'M GONNA SHAVE YOU DOWN AND
MAKE ME A WRIST-HAIR MOUSTACHE.
THIS W.H.M. IS GONNA BE SWEET!
HUH?!
I-I DIDN'T KNOW.
I-I'M SORRY, MISTER.
COME -- COME ON, TATER.
>> WHAT HAPPENED, BOSS?
>> Xavier: THESE NUMBERS.
WHAT COULD THEY BE FROM?
I NEED CONCENTRATION.
CONCENTRATION -- THAT'S IT!
IT'S A PHONE NUMBER.
IT MUST BE MY REPRIEVE, A
LAST-MINUTE COSMIC PARDON FROM
THE GOVERNOR OF CIRCUMSTANCE.
[ Dial tone ]
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
>> Self: HELLO? HELLO?
>> Xavier: HELLO?
>> Self: WHO'S THIS?
>> Xavier: WHO'S THIS?
>> Self: I'M ASKING THE
QUESTIONS.
I CALLED YOU.
>> Xavier: NO, I CALLED YOU.
AND YOU SOUND LIKE THE UGLIEST
SON OF A BITCH I EVER HEARD.
>> Self: YOU SOUND LIKE THE
PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF SOME
LOSER'S INNER DEMONS.
>> Xavier: WELL, YOU SOUND
LIKE SOME TOTAL CHODE'S
INABILITY TO CONFRONT THE
REALITY OF HIS PAST ACTIONS.
>> Self: IF I EVER GET YOUR
STINKY MUG IN MY LINE OF SIGHT,
I SWEAR TO JACK OFF, I'LL COCK
YOUR CLOCK OFF.
>> Xavier: WELL, I'M GOING TO BE
THE BIGGER MAN AND HANG UP FI--
[ RECEIVER CLICKS ]
DAMN IT!
LISTEN, WE DON'T COTTON TO
FREAKS 'ROUND THESE PARTS.
SCRAM, WEIRDO.
>> Self: OH, YEAH?
I DON'T POLYCOTTON TO
COPINGTROPES, EVEN MY OWN.
SO WHY DON'T YOU SPLIT?
>> Xavier: LOOKS LIKE I ALREADY
DID.
YOU'RE THE SAD FIGMENT OF MY
TWISTED PSYCHE'S TRAGIC
DIVIDEND.
YOU'RE THE UN-ME.
I'M THE REAL ME.
YOU WANT TO BE ME?
>> Self: KIDDO, I WAS THE REAL
ME WHEN YOU WERE STILL IN MY
SHORT PANTS.
>> Xavier: HATE TO BREAK IT TO
YOU, BUT I WORE THEM FIRST.
ME BEQUEATHED THEE THE
PSYCHOPATHOLOGICAL
HAND-YOU-DOWN.
>> Self: SO YOU'RE THE ONE WHO
STAINED THEM.
>> Xavier: WHOEVER FOUND IT
BROWNED IT.
>> Self: YOU'D LIKE ME TO BE
YOU, WOULDN'T ME?
BUT IT'S TOO LATE.
YOU SNOZE, YOU LOZE.
>> Xavier: YOU SLEEPED, YOU
WEEPED.
>> Self: YOU NAP-UH, YOU GET
SLAP-UH.
>> Xavier: YOU SLUMBER, A
CUCUMBER.
>> Self: YOU CATCH UP ON SOME
ZEDS, YOU GET OUT OF MY HEADS.
>> Xavier: YOU SLUMBER, HAM--
BURGER!
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT
NOTHING ELSE.
>> Self: LISTEN, THIS PSYCHE IS
NOT BIG ENOUGH FOR TWO
METAPHYSICAL SEEKERS.
>> Xavier: YOU COULDN'T SEEK
YOUR WAY OUT OF A CARDBOARD BAG.
>> Self: YEAH, I KNOW, 'CAUSE IT
WOULD BE AN EGG.
>> Xavier: [ Thinking ] OOH!
THIS GUY MIGHT BE BETTER THAN
ME.
>> Self: YOU'RE RIGHT.
I AM BETTER THAN ME.
>> Xavier: LOOK, BUDDY, KNOW
WHEN YOU'RE DEFEATED.
ACCEPT YOUR DEFECATION.
>> Self: NO, THANKS.
I'M FULL, 'CAUSE I EAT PUSSIES
LIKE YOU FOR BREAKFAST.
>> Xavier: LOOK AT YOU.
YOU LOOK SO SUPERFICIAL, YOU
PROBABLY JUDGE THINGS BY THEIR
PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.
>> Self: OH, YEAH?
YOUR MOM'S SO SHALLOW, SHE
PROBABLY THINKS THIS QUIP IS
ABOUT HER.
>> Xavier: YOU'RE ABOUT AS DEEP
AS A BOWL OF SOUP, AND YOUR
TONGUE IS ABOUT AS SHARP AS A
SOUP SPOON.
>> Self: HEY, SAY WHAT YOU WANT
ABOUT ME, BUT LAY OFF THE SOUP.
>> Xavier: IF YOU LOVE SOUP SO
MUCH, WHY DON'T YOU MARRY SOUP?
>> Self: 'CAUSE I'M ALREADY
MARRIED -- TO JUSTICE.
>> Xavier: YEAH, ONLY A BLIND
GIRL WOULD MARRY YOU.
>> Self: I KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU'RE GONNA --
>> Xavier: SAY.
AND I KNOW EVERYTHING YOU'RE
GONNA --
>> Self: DON'T.
>> Xavier: OH, YEAH?
WELL, WHEN GOD WAS PASSING OUT
INSIGHT, YOU THOUGHT HE SAID
THAT WHEN GOD WAS PASSING OUT
HOLY PROPHETS, YOU THOUGHT HE
SAID, "OILY FAUCETS," 'CAUSE
YOUR SOUL HAS DIARRHEA OF THE
MOUTH FAUCET.
>> Self: ARE YOU SO DUMB YOU
EVEN ANSWER RHETORICAL
QUESTIONS?
>> Xavier: I DON'T KNOW. DO YOU?
>> Self: WE CAN PLAY THIS GAME
ALL NIGHT.
>> Xavier: FIRST OF ALL, IT'S
DAYTIME, AND THIS IS NO GAME.
>> Self: CHECKMATE.
>> Xavier: OH!
SO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU'RE
CHECKING ME OUT AND YOU WANT TO
MATE.
>> Self: OOH!
YOU GOT A LICENSE TO SELL
HOT DOGS, CHICO MAN?
>> Xavier: NO.
THEY WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO ME
BECAUSE WHEN I WAS FILLING OUT
THE APPLICATION, MY PENIS WAS
STICKING OUT.
>> Self: OH, YEAH?
YOU ONLY GOT ONE PENI?
LET ME SEE IT.
>> Xavier: SEE WITH YOUR EYES,
NOT WITH YOUR MOUTH.
>> Self: I'LL CALL YOUR BLUFF.
I'LL SEE YOUR PENIS WITH YOUR
MOUTH, AND I RAISE YOU WITH MY
HAND.
>> Xavier: ANTE UP.
>> Self: OH! DAMN IT!
>> Xavier: WHAT'S WRONG?
>> Self: I CRAPPED OUT, BUT I'M
TOUGH.
I CAN SUCK IT UP.
>> Xavier: OKAY.
COUNT OF THREE, WE SHOW WHAT'S
UNDER THE LOINCLOTH.
WIENER TAKE ALL.
>> Both: ONE, TWO, THREE.
>> Self: I GUESS THERE'S ONLY
ONE WAY TO SETTLE THIS.
>> Both: A SHAKASHURI BLOWDOWN.
>> Self: I ASSUME YOU'RE
FAMILIAR WITH ST. LOUIS RULES.
>> Xavier: FINE.
WE'LL BLOW TO THE DEATH.
>> Self: OKAY. LADIES FIRST.
>> Xavier: [ GRUNTING ]
FINE!
I'LL BLOW FIRST.
[ LOW-PITCHED MELODY PLAYS ]
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[ UNICORN GRUNTS ]
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[ HIGH-PITCHED MELODY PLAYS ]
[ MELODIES HARMONIZE ]
>> AND THAT'S TIME.
WHOA!
HECK OF A SHAKASHURI MATCH WITH
A LOT OF FAST ACTION!
WHAT DID YOU THINK,
TAD B. HOLYBURN IN THE SCOOCHIE
BOOTH?
>> I THINK A LOT OF THINGS, BUT
YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA CUT --
>> YOU KNOW THE STAKES, TAD.
WHOEVER WINS GETS HIS OWN SHOW.
AND GUESS WHAT, FOLKS AT HOME.
YOU GET TO DECIDE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WRITE DOWN ON A POSTCARD WHO YOU
THINK WON AND SEND IT OFF.
SEND IT WHERE? YOU DECIDE.
YOU CHOOSE. IT'S UP TO YOU!
>> [ Echoing ] IT WAS YOU.