>> Xavier: A MANTRA IS A
SOOTHING SONIC REVERBERATION
THROUGH THE THROAT, BUT IT HAS
NO MEANING, NO SIGNIFICANCE.
IT'S JUST THE EMPTY GIBBERITICAL
SOUND OF SOUL SERENITY,
VIBRATIONS DEVOID OF
IMPLICATORIAL IMPORTANCE.
THERE'S NO ISSUES.
DON'T LOOK FOR MEANING BECAUSE
THERE IS NONE, OKAY?
MEDITATION JUST CALMS ME DOWN.
WHY DIDN'T YOU LOVE ME MOMMY?!
I ALONE STRIDE ALONG TO STRIVE
ALONE TO UNIFY ALL MEN IN THE
GREASY HEAT OF MY UNIFRIER.
NO!
BACK AWAY FROM THE BOY!
UNCLOVEN HIS HOOVE.
THIS ABUSE WILL NOT STAND DOWN.
YOU CAN'T POPE WITH HIS POOPER
FADRE.
>> [ Irish accent ] I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE SAYIN'.
>> Xavier: I'LL GET TO YOUR
BOTTOM OF THIS.
SHOW ME ON ME WHAT THE BAD MAN
DID TO YOU.
DID HE MAKE YOU GO DOWN ON YOUR
KNEES FOR HIM?
>> ONLY WHEN HE PRAYED WITH ME.
>> Xavier: SOUNDS LIKE YOU WERE
HIS PREY.
WHERE DID YOU COME ACROSS THIS
CHILD?
MY TITS? OOH, NICE.
>> THIS IS A POOR ORPHAN BOY
FROM THE PARISH.
THEY SAY HE WAS A VIRGIN BIRTH.
BUT EVERY BOY NEEDS LOVE.
>> Xavier: WELL, I NEVER GOT
ANY, AND I THINK I TURNED OUT
OKAY.
HERE, WEAR THIS PRIEST-PROOF
CHASTITY DIAPER SO HE CAN'T
CATHO-LICK YOU NO MORE.
>> WELL, I DON'T LIKE WHAT
YOU'RE INSINUATIN'.
>> THAT THING IS SCARIN' ME.
>> Xavier: OKAY, YOUR
"HOLE-NESS," LET ME SMELL YOUR
FINGERS.
NOW YOU SMELL MINE.
KID, YOU SMELL HIS NOSE WHILE I
CHECK HIM FOR LIES.
>> WELL, THAT'S IT!
FORGIVE ME, FATHER, AS I MAKE
THIS POOR SOUL TAKE THAT.
SWEET MOTHER MARY, SHUT YOUR
VIRGIN EYES, AS I FORCE HIS ARSE
TO TASTE THE PAIN.
YOU ARE FORGIVEN, MY CHILD.
COME ON, SHAMUS.
>> Xavier: HAIL MARY FULL OF
GAYS.
WELL, I SAY YOU'RE IN -- IN MY
GAZE.
IF YOU SO MUCH AS THINK ABOUT
TOUCHING THAT BOY AGAIN, I'LL SO
MUCH AS THINK ABOUT DOING
SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
>> YOU DID A GOOD JOB KEEPING
OUR SECRET.
JUST DON'T EVER TELL NOBODY
ABOUT WHAT I DO TO YOU, OR I CUT
YOUR PARTS OFF AND FEED THEM TO
MY TEDDY BEAR, MR. RUFFLES.
>> OKAY, JUST DON'T DO THOSE
THINGS TO ME BAD PLACE ANYMORE.
>> I'LL DO WHAT I WANT, GOT IT?
>> YES, SHAMUS.
>> Xavier: THIS HAPPY PLACE
HOLDS MAGIC MEANING, FOR 'TWAS
MY MOTHER'S NICKNAME.
TRUCKERS, DELIVERY GUYS, MEN
COMING IN AND OUT OF THE HOUSE
ALL DAY CALLED HER THE
GRAND CANYON, BUT I NEVER KNEW
WHY.
IT'S JUST A GREAT WIDE GASH,
SPREAD OPEN FOR THE ENJOYMENT OF
ALL TO COME INSIDE AS HE PLEASES
AND PLEASURES.
OFTEN THERE'S A DONKEY IN THERE.
HEE-HUH?!
DON'T FEAR!
HELP IS ON THE RIGHT HERE.
>> NO, NO. NO HELP NEEDED.
WE'RE FINE. RIGHT, HONEY?
HAVE ANOTHER ONE, HONEY?
>> JUST ENJOYING THIS BEAUTIFUL
WEATHER, LAYING FLOWERS WHERE
OUR SON WAS KILLED.
>> Xavier: AND I SUPPOSE YOU
BLAME YOURSELVES FOR HIS DEATH.
I KNOW I DO.
>> WE'VE JUST BEEN A LITTLE
DEPRESSED SINCE HE DIED.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
>> I AM A RAGING HELLFIRE OF
ROILING MISERY.
THAT'S WHAT THESE PINK ONES ARE
FOR.
>> Xavier: A DEAD CHILD IS LIKE
PUDDING.
THE PROOF IS IN THE FACT THAT HE
PROBABLY LOOKED LIKE PUDDING
WHEN HE GOT HIT BY THAT CAR.
AND I THINK IT'S TIME YOU BE
"PUDDING" HIS CHOCOLATE MEMORY
TO REST.
>> REST -- OH, HAVE ONE OF THE
GREEN ONES.
THEY'LL HELP YOU REST.
YOU WANT THE REST? HUH?
>> Xavier: NO, I DON'T BELIEVE
IN PILLS.
>> THERE'S A PILL FOR THAT, TOO.
HERE.
>> Xavier: MY PARAKEET FEEDS HER
BABIES EVERY DAY.
HOW COME I DON'T GET NO DIN-DIN?
>> MOMMY LOVES ONLY HER PILLS.
THEY STOP MY QUIVERS!
[ VOMITS ]
>> Xavier: THANKS, MOMMY!
PILLS ARE JUST A PSYCHOTROPIC
BAND-AID ON A BIOCHEMICAL
CRUTCH.
I TOOK A PILL ONCE, AND I WOKE
UP WITH A BOOTY HOLE THE SIZE OF
A WINE BOTTLE, FAT END FIRST.
BUT DID I WHINE?
NO, I TURNED TO THE BOTTLE.
AND WHEN I WOKE UP FROM THAT, I
MET UP WITH YOU FINE FOLKS TO
WARN YOU ABOUT PILLS.
JUST WALK IT OFF.
YOUR CHILD IS DEAD, AND YOU CAN
NEVER, EVER REPLACE HIM.
THAT'S IT. I CAN REPLACE HIM.
>> YOU CAN?
>> Xavier: BY THE END OF THE
DAY, YOU WILL HAVE FORGOTTEN ALL
ABOUT YOUR DEAD TURTLE --
I MEAN SON.
[ GASPS ]
SEE?
THEY'VE GOT THIS POOR CHILD
PULLING A TRAIN!
IT'S TIME TO CEASE THE SKEET AND
DIDDLING AND SKEDADDLE AND GET
YOU A NEW MOMMY AND DADDY.
>> FRESH MEAT.
>> Xavier: LOOK AT THIS DEN OF
SINIQUITY.
EVEN THE BIBLES ARE RIBBED.
BUT FOR WHOSE PLEASURE?
THEY EVEN HAVE A SEX SWING SET
AND WHOOPEE CRAYONS!
JUST NEED TO BLACK YOU UP.
FLESH COLORED?
HOW OFFENSIVE.
OH, "SHIFTLESS."
THIS OUGHT TO GET YOU BLACK ON
TRACK.
THIS IS SHAKA...DINGO.
>> HE LOOKS JUST LIKE OUR
MICHAEL RIGHT AFTER HE GOT HIT
BY THAT CAR.
>> Xavier: SHAKADINGO, GO HUG
YOUR NEW MOMMY AND DADDY.
>> WE'RE NOT READY FOR THIS.
I JUST CAN'T...
>> OH, CAN'T PICK YOU UP, DEAR.
MOMMY'S HOLDING SOME RAW MEAT.
>> Xavier: [ CRYING ]
>> MOMMY CAN'T KISS YOUR
BOO-BOO!
STILL HOLDING THAT RAW MEAT FROM
YEARS AGO.
MEAT!
>> Xavier: CLOSE YOUR LEGS,
MOTHER.
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.
I'LL MAKE YOU ALL VIBE TOGETHER
USING ANCIENT HOPI TRIBE
PROCEDURE RITUALS THAT WILL
FASHION FAMILY BONDAGE.
OOH!
>> OOH!
>> Xavier: WE'RE RE-CREATING THE
PSYCHOGENETIC BIRTHULAR
ATTACHMENT.
PUSH! PUSH!
>> BUT I CAN'T PUSH HIM OUT.
HE'S NOT IN.
>> Xavier: I THINK I KNOW IT
WERE I'M DOING.
PULL! PULL!
>> I CONFUSED!
>> Xavier: YOU'VE GOT BLACK GOBS
OF FAMILY HOLIDAYS TO MAKE UP
FOR -- FOUR KWANZAAS, THREE
KWANZAWEENS, AND A KWEASTER TO
KWETCH UP ON.
KWERE, BITE THE KWANZAA BEAN.
>> THIS ISN'T A REAL KWANZAA
BEAN.
>> Xavier: AS YOUR BRINES
INTERTWINES, THE CO-MINGLING
FLUID FAMILYIZE-IFIZES YOU.
AHH, YOU ARE NOW ONE.
DO YOU HAVE ANY MOUTHWASH?
YOUR BREATH STINKS.
AHH!
AND THE LAST STEP -- TO PICK UP
WHERE YOU LEFT OFF WITH MICHAEL
SO THAT SHAKADINGO CAN FILL THE
PLACE IN YOUR BLACK HEART THAT
MICHAEL SO RUDELY INTERRUP-DIED.
YES, SNATCH HIM FRO' THE
CLUTCHES WHENCE YOUR PRIOR SON
WAS FELLEDED.
AND, YES, I GLUED HIS SHOES TO
THE ROAD TO CEMENT A SEAL ON THE
DEAL.
AND, YES, I TIED HIS BELT TWIXT
TWO TREES FOR KICKS.
[ TIRES SCREECHING ]
>> OH, I NEVER WANT TO LOSE YOU
AGAIN.
>> SON.
>> FRUITATTA, FAMILY ACHIEVED.
YOU'RE PSYCHOLEGALLY ADOPTED.
>> WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE?
A CANDY DOLPHIN?
>> Xavier: OOH! CANDY DOLPHIN?!
WHERE IS IT?
MAYBE IF I LOOK REAL HARD...
>> I'M GONNA DO BAD THINGS TO
YOU TONIGHT AND MAKE YOU SUFFER
FOR MY PLEASURE.
>> AAH!
>> Xavier: WHAT?
I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.
YOU'RE TRYING TO DISTRACT ME TO
KEEP ME FROM SEEING A SWEET LAND
DOLPHIN.
THERE'S SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT
YOU TWO.
AS THIS CHILD'S WEENIE-MINDER, I
AM POLICING YOU NOW, AND I'LL
COPULATER IF YOU SO MUCH AS
YODEL HIS SCROTAL OR FIDDLE HIS
FADDLE.
I HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE THIS
KID'S LOWER BACK BOTTOM WAS ONCE
TREATED LIKE
GRAND CENTRAL STATION.
AND I GOT FOUR TICKETS TO THE
OPERA.
WE'LL GET THERE BY TRAIN.
UP HIS...
>> [ VOCALIZING ]
>> AAH!
>> IF YOU SAY ANYTHING, YOU
GONNA WAKE UP WITH YOUR FACE IN
MY TUMMY 'CAUSE I ATED IT.
>> Xavier: WHAT WERE YOU TWO
DOING IN THE BATHROOM DURING
INTERMISSION?
>> WE WERE JUST TALKING.
>> EATIN' ICE CREAM.
>> I MEAN, TALKING ABOUT ICE
CREAM THAT WE WERE JUST EATING.
>> Xavier: WHAT BUT WERE YOU
DOING IN THERE EARLIER?
>> I WAS BEING RAPED --
BY FLAVOR!
HE JUST SHOVED THE CONE RIGHT IN
ME.
>> LAST NIGHT, HE GAVE ME...
A BANANA SPLIT, AND IT HURT.
>> I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
>> Xavier: WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO
THE BOY'S MOUTH?!
>> MOMMY, DADDY, I SORRY I HURT
YOU.
I WON'T ANYMORE.
CAN I HAVE MORE PILLS?
>> YES, HAVE ALL YOU WANT, SON.
>> Xavier: PILLS.
YOU CAN'T SWALLOW YOUR WAY TO
HAPPINESS.
YOU COULDN'T EVEN SWALLOW YOUR
WAY OUT OF A BUS-STATION
BATHROOM.
WHAT ARE THESE PILLS?
>> FIDDELIN.
DON'T WORRY -- THEY'RE
SPIRITUALLY BASED DRUGS. LOOK.
>> RECENT SCIENCE HAS DISCOVERED
THAT, FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS,
TIBETAN MONKS USED GUTTERAL
PRAYER CHANTS TO SOOTH THEIR
YELLOW SOULS IN THE YELLOW FACE
OF THEIR YELLOW OPPRESSORS.
BUT IN OUR SOPHISTICATED WORLD,
WHO HAS TIME FOR THAT NOISE?
YOU'VE GOT ENOUGH ON YOUR PLATE.
LET FIDDELIN DO THE SPIRITUAL
LEGWORK FOR YOU.
AT TRANSCENDENTAL MEDICATION, WE
SONICALLY CONDENSE THE
BIODHARMIC VIBRATIONS OF OVER
1,000 MONK CHANTS INTO EVERY
PILL.
SCIENSPIRITIFIC AUDIOLOGISTS
HAVE FOUND THAT VIBRATION FROM A
MONK'S THROAT DOESN'T RADIATE IN
MEGAHERTZ BUT IN MEGAHEARTS.
>> COME TO JAMAICA!
>> IF NOT NOW, WHEN?
IF NOT IT, WHAT?
IF NOT THINGS, STUFF?
SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE WETMOUTH,
PLAID BLOOD, FROZEN DAY RATE,
HERNIATED MONSTERISM, TAINT
MISBEHAVING, URETHRAL SCREAMAGE,
GLOBAL COLOSTOMY FACE,
WRONGBODY, RESTLESS LUNG
SYNDROME, AND SEXUAL DIARRHEA.
DO NOT WAKE THE SLEEPING YELLOW
DRAGON.
WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T FIND PURITY
IN A PILL?
TUNE IN TO FIDDELIN WITH YOUR
SOUL.
>> Xavier: OH, NO!
MY SACRED MOMTRA IS BEING
COMMODIFIED.
THESE FIDDLIN MONKS ARE BEING
EXPLAT UPON.
THEY'RE BEING PLAYED LIKE A
FIDDLE!
I'LL STOP THAT RACKET WITH MY
ENLIGHTENED VIOLINS.
[ CHANTING ]
THE MAN IS SPLOITING IN YOUR
FACE.
WHO ARE YOUR BOSSES?
SHOW YOURSELVES, YOU COWARDS!
>> WE OWN THE TEMPLE.
WE ARE OUR OWN BOSSES.
>> Xavier: SO, IT'S YOU, YOU
RAT!
>> WE ARE SIMPLE PEOPLE, HAPPY
TO SHARE OUR LOVE WITH ALL.
>> Xavier: WHERE I COME FROM,
SHARING LOVE WITHOUT MAKING A
PROFIT IS CALLED BEING A WHORE.
AND THE WORKING CONDITIONS HERE
ARE "WHORIFYING."
YOU'VE GOT TO UNIONIZE, TO
STRIKE.
SHUT THIS PLACE DOWN UNTIL YOU
GIVE YOURSELF THE DEMANDS YOU
DESIRE.
>> BUDDHA SAY MATERIAL DESIRE
IS POISONOUS.
>> Xavier: THEN THAT
UNION-BUSTING TUB OF TARD'S
GONNA FIND A BUDDUP HIS ASS.
THEY'RE TREATING YOU MONKS LIKE
MONKEYS!
WELL, I SAY LETS HURL OUR FECES
AT THEM UNTIL THEY SEE US AS
MEN!
>> WE ARE CONTENT TO VISUALIZE
WORLD PEACE.
>> Xavier: WE'LL VISUALATE THEIR
SHAMEFULIZING WITH A GIANT,
INFLATABLE UNION RAT.
NOW WE MARCH.
NO JUSTICE, NO CHANTS!
NO JUSTICE, NO CHANT--
WHY AREN'T YOU CHANTING?!
>> WE PREFER THE SACRED SILENCE.
>> Xavier: OH, BREAK THEM DOWN
WITH THE SILENT TREATMENT, EH?
SO DEVILISH, IT'S CLEVELISH.
I CAN HEAR IT WORKING ON YOU
ALREADY.
YOU HEAR THAT SILENCE?!
CAN YOU TAKE IT?!
THE CRUSHING BLOW OF THAT FIERY
SILENCE AS IT EXPLODES IN YOUR
EAR WITH SILENCE!
VROOM! RRRR! VROOM!
>> OKAY, WE SURRENDER IF YOU GET
OFF YOUR BIKE.
SURELY, INDULGING IN SOME SMALL
LUXURY WILL NOT LEAD TO AN
INFECTION OF GREED.
>> Xavier: YOU'VE GOTTEN LAZY
AND NONPRODUCTIVE.
YOU'VE TAKEN AMERICANS' JOBS.
>> HOW CAN WE CHANT AND EAT AT
THE SAME TIME?
LET THE MA-CHINGE GET IT.
>> Xavier: MA-CHINGAY?
>> WE MADE THE VIBULATOR 2000.
IT DOES THE GRUNT WORK OF 3,000
MONKS.
THEN WHY DIDN'T WE CALL IT
THE 4000?
NO ONE KNOWS.
>> Xavier: WHAT OPERATING SYSTEM
SHE RUNNING?
DOS EX MACHINA?
WHICH ONE OF YOU CHINKCANOS
KINKED MY MACHINGAY?
IT'S AN AIRQUAKE!
A SOULSHAKE!
MY GOD!
THE GRAND CANYON IS CLOSING UP!
THANK YOU FOR CLOSING YOUR LEGS,
MOMMY.
HOW WOULD YOU CALM THIS TREMOR?
PILLS.
OPEN WIDE.
TIME TO TAKE OUT THE,
LITTER-ALLY, YOUR MEDICINE.
YOU'VE WOKEN THE YELLOW DRAGON!
I'VE GOT TO ACT NOW.
THIS IS THE 9/11 OF NOISE,
CHERNOBYL OF CHANTING, THE
HIROSHIMA OF HUMPING, THE
NAGASAKI OF NOOKIE, THE DACHAU
OF AUSCHWITZES!
WAIT -- I'M THE
THREE MILE ISLAND OF GOING
3 MILES OFF-MESSAGE.
AND WHAT A MESS THIS IS...AGE.
YEP, SKATED OUT OF IT.
I TOLD YOU I'D MAKE YOU VIBE
TOGETHER.
>> LEAVE US ALONE, YOU FREAK!
>> Xavier: YOU CAN'T CALL ME
FREAK!
>> WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
TELL YOUR MOMMY?
>> Xavier: YES, THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.
MOMMY! MOMMY!
I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!
THIS WONDERFUL FAMILY, THEY --
HUH?!
MY GOD, IT'S JUST HER MEAT.
THAT MEANS SHE'S STILL ALIVE
OUT THERE.
I'M GOING TO SEARCH FAR AND WIDE
SO THAT I CAN TOTALLY TATTLE TO
MY MOM!