>> Xavier: HOW DO YOU MAKE A
MAN?
A QUARTER-POUND OF DEBONED
SPINE, A LITTLE SALT OF THE
EARTH, AND FOR PUNCH, A PINCH OF
PAPRIKA OF PROTECTION.
IF I WAS A CAR, I'D BE A
PROTECTO-RATI.
IF A KANGAR ME BE, 'TIS TRUE,
PROTECTO-ROO.
SERVE WARM OVER PROTECTO-RONI --
OH, NO!
SIR, DON'T JUMP!
YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.
>> EH, BLOW IT OUT YOUR RUMP!
I'M TRYING TO WORK HERE, FREAK.
>> Xavier: I KNOW THINGS LOOK
BLEAK NOW.
NO DISGUISING YOU HAVE THE WHIFF
OF STENCH LIFE ABOUT YOU.
>> I DO? [ SNIFFS ]
>> Xavier: I KNOW IT IS TEMPTING
TO ESCAPE THE MISERY OF YOUR
DAILY GRIND.
>> NO MORE PAIN EVER AGAIN?
>> Xavier: SURE, JUMPING WOULD
BE AN EXHILARATING AND GLORIOUS
END -- SWEET, SUCCULENT, FULL
RELEASE ALL OVER THE SIDEWALK.
>> HE'S RIGHT.
LIVE WITH THIS, REGINA-A-A-A-A!
[ SMOOCH ]
>> Xavier: WHY DID YOU SUICIDED?
DON'T BE AN INDIAN GIVER.
LIFE IS A GIFT.
>> THE GIFT OF LIFE IS ITS
PRESENCE.
BUT, IN INJUN-GIVING PRESENCE,
TRULY THE GIVER IS THE RECEIVER
OF A RE-GIVE-ED GIFT.
>> I...LOVE...IT.
>> Xavier: [ GAGGING ]
>> REDEEM MY LIFE.
>> Xavier: I WILL CARRY ON YOUR
LIFE LEGACY AS YOUR REDEEMER.
I SHALL TAKE UP YOUR SQUEEGIE
AND SQUEEGE ALL THAT YOU HAVE
LEFT UNSQUOGE.
MISTER...MISTER...SQUA?
I SHALL REDEEM THIS ON YOUR
BEHALF, ENSURE THAT YOUR WASTED
LIFE WAS NOT SQUANDERED IN VAIN.
YOUR LEGACY, MR. SQUA, SHALT
LIVE ON IN MY BELLY.
I CAN FEEL IT IN MY GUT.
>> WHAT DO YOU WANT ON YOUR
SANDWICH?
>> Xavier: I WANT SOMETHING THAT
WILL DO DUE DILIGENCE ON A MAN'S
LIFE.
>> DOO DOO?
WE'VE GOT LUNCHEON LOAF.
>> Xavier: THAT'LL DO, BRIAN.
>> [ SIGHS ] FOR A DOLLAR EXTRA,
YOU CAN GET THAT ON OUR FAMOUS
CHICKEN BONE BREAD.
CHICKEN BONE BREAD -- THE ONLY
BREAD THAT'LL CHOKE YOU WITH
FLAVOR.
>> Xavier: WHAT WOULD SQUA DO?
>> [ GAGGING ]
>> HE'S CHOKING!
DO THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER!
>> Xavier: NO!
>> SHE'S CHOKING!
DO THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER!
>> Xavier: NO.
MOMMY, ARE YOU OKAY?
[ CREAKING ]
>> YEAH, THEY'RE JUST GIVING ME
THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER.
>> Xavier: ALL SIX OF THOSE
GUYS?
>> ITS NOT A VERY GOOD MANEUVER.
[ GRUNTS ]
>> Xavier: STOP THIS CYCLE OF
CHOKE-ULENCE!
THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER IS THE
BARBARIC PRODUCT OF A BACKWARDS
AND UPSIDE-DOWN MIND.
WE'VE GOT TO ACT QUICK.
TIME IS TICKING.
TICK, TOCK.
TICK. A TALKING TICK?
WHAT WOULD A TALKING TICK SAY?
[ VOICE DISTORTED ]
AND THAT IS HOW I DEVELOPED MY
OWN CHICKEN-CHOKING MANEUVER.
AS A TRIBUTE TO MY MOTHER, I
PRACTICE IT ON MYSELF AT NIGHT.
BEHOLD.
[ INHALES DEEPLY ]
[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]
>> [ GASPS ] THAT WAS CLOSE
CALL.
WHY YOU LIKEE DO THIS FAVOR FOR
ME?
>> Xavier: A GREAT MAN IN HIS
FINAL MOMENTS REQUESTED "BLOW IT
OUT YOUR RUMP."
>> ME THINKEE ME SHOULD SUE THIS
PLACE LONG TIME.
>> Xavier: WHO WILL BE YOUR
WITNESS?
>> I'LL BE MY OWN WITNESS.
>> Xavier: THEN YOU'RE A TARGET.
THEY'RE GOING TO TRY TO STOP YOU
FROM TESTIFYING.
THEY'VE ALREADY TRIED TO KILL
YOU ONCE.
I'LL STAY ON AS YOUR PROTECTION,
AND I WON'T REST UNTIL YOU
AREN'T KILLED BY THOSE
CHICKEN-CHOKERS WHO WON'T REST
UNTIL YOU'VE BEEN WHACKED OFF.
>> SOMEONE WANTS ME DEAD?
>> Xavier: HELL, YOU MAY NOT
LIVE TO HEAR THE END OF THIS
SEN...
TENSE, ISN'T IT?
>> THIS KOOK IS SPOOKIN' ME.
AM I NUTS?
>> [ High-pitched voice ] HE DID
SAVE YOUR LIFE, BOSS.
AND HE SEEMS SWEET LIKE
♪ YUMMY CANDY, WHOO ♪
>> Xavier: THE CASE OF THE
DETECTING CLUES BEGINS.
FIRST -- WHAT DO YOU DO?
>> I GUESS YOU COULD SAY
PROTECTION BUSINESS.
>> Xavier: PROTECTION.
WE FELLOW PROTECTORATORS ARE
cOMRADES CONJOINED AT THE COIN,
CO-COINELS ON THE SAME CORNCOB.
I THRUST MY TRUST INTO YOU, COME
THICK OR THICKER THAN BLOOD,
BROTHER.
>> NOW I'M REALLY SPOOKED.
>> Xavier: IS THERE ANYONE WHO
WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU DEAD?
>> THERE IS A CERTAIN CLIENT
WHO'S PAST DUE ON SOME PAYMENTS.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PAY ME 10 G's
A MONTH.
I'D HATE TO HAVE TO USE THIS ON
YOU, PAVLOV.
WE BOTH KNOW HOW IT ENDS UP.
>> LOOK, I'M NO HAVING ANY
MONEYS.
>> HELLO?!
IS THERE ANY MONEY IN THERE?
>> Xavier: I'M HEADING UP THIS
CASE.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT
CHICKEN-CHOKING?
WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT IN
QUESTION?
YOU SEEM AWFULLY NERVOUS FOR A
GUY WHO'S TOTALLY FREAKED OUT
RIGHT NOW.
DO THE WORDS...
MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
ARE YOU THAT SLIPPERY
THROAT-BONER I'M ITCHING TO
SNATCH?
>> WHO'S THE NEW GUY?
>> Xavier: WITHOUT ME, HE'D BE
DEAD.
IMAGINE A CRAB WITHOUT ITS
SHELL.
IMAGINE A MAN WITHOUT HIS SKIN.
>> OKAY, I WANT TO KEEP MY SKIN.
I PAY! I PAY!
>> THIS MONKEY ON MY BACK HAS
GOT A TWISTED MIND.
BUT I LIKE IT. THAT'S THE TWIST.
SORRY I HAD TO HANG YOU
UPSY-DAISY.
>> LISTEN, BOSS, IT DOESN'T
SOUND SO TOUGH SAYING,
"UPSY-DAISY."
SOUNDS LIKE SOME KIND
OF SILLY SONG, LIKE --
♪ UPSY-DAISY, UPSA-DOO ♪
♪ LET ME HAVE SOME CANDY, AND
LET ME LOVE YOU ♪
>> SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
YOU'RE A GOOD HENCHMAN,
DISGRACIO, BUT YOU SHOULD SHUT
YOUR TRENCHEON AND STICK TO YOUR
HENCHIN'.
>> AW, COME ON, BOSS, YOU GOT
THE ONLY SINGING HENCHMAN IN THE
BUSINESS.
IT'S A TWOFER.
♪ I'M YOUR TWOFER, GOT A SWEET
TOOTH FOR CANDY-ANDY YUMMY
SWEETS ♪
♪ OH, CANDY, WHOO ♪
>> SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
>> HEY, BOSS, YOU'RE GETTING
KIND OF RILED UP.
HERE, HAVE A HOT TOWEL.
♪ HOT TOWELS, HOT COCOA, AND
MARSHMALL-OOH ♪
[ Normal voice ] YOU'RE THE
BACKUP I ASKED FOR, RIGHT?
WHAT ARE YOU? CIA? FBI?
>> Xavier: I'M INVESTIGATING FOR
A HIGHER POWER.
>> I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH YOU'VE
BEEN BRIEFED, BUT I'VE BEEN ON
THE INSIDE TRACKING DON HO
UNDERCOVER 12 YEARS.
I'M THIS CLOSE TO HIS BIG
SECRET.
OBVIOUSLY, I MADE SOME BAD
DECISIONS ON MY FIRST DAY, AND
I'VE JUST HAD TO STICK WITH
THEM.
I WAS A HOTSHOT KID JUST OUT OF
THE ACADEMY, AND THEY DIDN'T
GIVE US ENOUGH ON CHARACTER
DEVELOPMENT, SO I WAS JUST
FREE-BALLING IT.
I STARTED THIS SINGING-HENCHMAN
THING OUT OF NERVOUSNESS, AND
THEN THE CANDY THING JUST
HAPPENED.
I SEE YOU'VE MADE SOME BAD
CHOICES, TOO.
YOU GOT THE FUR AND THE FAKE
SNAKE HAND.
WAIT. YOU'RE NOT A COP.
[ High-pitched voice ] ♪ OOH,
CANDY AND GOO ♪
♪ LOVIN' CHOCO-MOO ♪
♪ YUMMY-YUM-YUM COOKIE, WHOO ♪
>> YOU STILL SINGING?
>> NO, BOSS, I STOPPED SINGING
SOME TIME AGO.
♪ WHOA ♪
>> Xavier: I JUST PUT THE PIECES
TOGETHER ABOUT WHAT'S REALLY
GOING ON HERE -- A "DON," THE
"PROTECTION BUSINESS," "COPS."
THE COPS MIGHT HAVE INFO ABOUT
THE CASE OF THE CHICKEN-CHOKER.
WE OUGHT TO SQUEEZE THE COPS AND
SEE WHAT GREASE SQUEEZES OUT.
>> I THINK I GET IT.
WE PUT THE SQUEEZE ON THE COPS.
YOU'RE SO SMART, I'M GETTING A
SMARD-ON -- SZECHUAN BEEF!
>> Xavier: YOU DISTRACT THEM,
AND I'LL PEEP-PEEP THROUGH THEIR
FILES.
>> GOOD AFTERNOON, OFFICERS.
>> HEY, LOOK, IT'S DALE FROM
THAT UNDERCOVER THING.
>> ♪ CANDY AND GOO AND DON'T
TALK-A-LOO ♪
>> DON'T CUT THEIR HEADS OFF
JUST YET, GRACI.
>> CHICKEN, CHICKEN.
>> [ Lisping ] YOUSE GUYS GOTS
YOURSELVES SOME REAL NICE
LAW-ENFORCEMENT FACILITIES HERE.
IT'D BE A SHAME IF SOMEONE
SLOBBERED ALL OVER IT.
MAYBE IF YOU GIVE TO MY FUND,
THERE WON'T BE ANY CRIME OR
EXTORTION RIGHT AROUND HERE.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT, BUT I'LL PAY YOU
MONEY TO STOP SPITTING ON ME.
>> Xavier: BINGO-DOODLE-DOO.
NO QUESTION MY DETECTIVE WORK
PAID OFF.
>> [ Normal voice ] ME LIKEE
YOUR STYLE.
>> Xavier: WAIT -- THE FILE SAYS
"CHICKEN" CHIKOWSKI IS DEAD.
HE'S TRYING TO KILL YOU FROM THE
AFTERLIFE.
HOW DO YOU KILL A DEAD KILLER?
YOU CAN'T.
YOU HAVE TO CHANGE HIS MIND, GO
TALK SOME SENSE INTO HIM ON THE
OTHER SIDE.
>> YEAH, TALKING SENSE INTO
PEOPLE FROM ANOTHER REALM.
THAT'S SOME REAL UNEXPLORED
TURF.
>> Xavier: OKAY, SHOVE THE BONE
IN YOUR THROAT, AND WHEN YOU SAY
THE SIX CODE WORDS, I'LL BLOW.
>> [ GASPING ]
THIS IS A GLORIOUS AND LOVING
LIGHT YOU GOT UP IN HERE.
IT SURE WOULD BE A SHAME IF THIS
HEAVENLY LIGHT WERE TO BE SHAMED
RIGHT UP YOUR GENITALIA.
SO YOU JUST SIT TIGHT WHILE I
TAKE MY CUT.
THE SIX CODE WORDS!
THIS IS JUST THE FIRST CHAPTER
IN NEAR-DEATH EXTORTIONISM.
I'M GONNA BE THE GUY BEHIND THE
GUY BEYOND THE GRAVE.
BEST PART IS, THE COPS CAN'T
TOUCH ME -- NO JURISDICTION.
YOU'RE A REAL WISE GUY.
>> Xavier: SO DISGRACIO CAN'T
GO, 'CAUSE HE'S A COP?
>> WHAT ARE YOU REVEALING TO ME?
HE'S A RAT? BREAKS MY HEART.
HEY, DISGRACIO, I GOT YOU A
NICE, BIG PIECE OF CANDY, RIGHT
THROUGH THERE.
>> ♪ CANDY IS YUMMY, ALL IN
MY TUMMY, YES, CANDY IS -- ♪
[ Normal voice ] OH, FUDGE.
>> Xavier: DISCRACI-- NO!
WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DIED TO
HIM?
WHO IS THOSE?
>> MY ANCIENT CHITALIANESE
SECRET.
I'VE BEEN RAISING THE ULTIMATE
HIT MAN FROM THE TIME HE WAS A
BABY.
I TAUGHT HIM TO KILL WITHOUT
CONSCIENCE -- RAISED ON HATE IN
FILTH AND DARKNESS.
AND I FED HIM ONLY LIZARDS,
PARAMECIUM, AND STARFISH LIVERS,
ALL REGENERATIVE ANIMALS, SO HE
CAN HEAL HIMSELF.
LOOK.
THERE'S ONLY ONE PROBLEM.
HE DOESN'T LIKE HIS LIFE.
BUT I DON'T CARE, SEEING AS HOW
I'M IN THE MAFIA.
>> Xavier: YOU'RE IN THE MOB?!
NO WONDER I DIDN'T SUSPECT A
THING.
WELL, YOUR BUTT HOLE CAN KISS MY
LIPS GOODBYE.
>> I CAN GET ANYONE TO TAKE ME
TO THE OTHER SIDE.
AND WITH ALL THIS AFTERLIGHT,
I'M GONNA BE THE DON OF DEATH.
>> Xavier: IF YOU DOUGHNUT STAY
AWAY FROM DEATH, THEN I'LL MAKE
YOU CHOKE ON THE HOLE.
>> I SEE THE LIGHT FLASHING
BEFORE MY EYES -- ALL THE
KILLING I DONE, ALL THE PAIN I
CAUSED.
I'VE DISRESPECTED THE UNIVERSAL
LAW OF LOVE.
>> Xavier: TO WIN THE GAME.
>> I'M GONNA GIVE AWAY ALL MY
THINGS AND DEVOTE MY LIFE TO
SPREADING JOY.
>> Xavier: JUST BLOW, HOSER.
I'VE GOT TO REHABILITATE THIS
BEASTLET.
ENCHANTé.
I AM YOUR MENTAL MENTOR, YOUR
SENSEI OF THE SENSES, HERE TO
TEACH YOU THE WAYS OF LIFE,
LOVE, CULTURE.
LET'S START WITH EARLY MATISSE.
DO YOU FIND THE GAR MANGE OF HIS
LINES TO BE DERIVATIVE OF THE
NEOCLASSICISTS IN THEIR PASTEL
INSOUCIANCE?
>> UGH!
>> Xavier: I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
YOU MEAN, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU
MEAN."
I SHALL TEACH YOU TO SPEAK.
I'M A GREAT ENGLISH TEACHULATOR.
YOU WANT ME TO TIT YOU?
ONE GRUNT FOR "YES."
>> UGH! UGH!
>> Xavier: OOH, YOU WANT IT
DOUBLE BAD, HUH?
OKAY, TWO GRUNTS WILL MEAN "NO."
THREE GRUNTS MEANS "CHEESE."
CAN YOU SAY CHEESE?
>> UGH! UGH! UGH!
>> Xavier: I'VE GOT TO
PRIORITIZE THESE WORDS RIGHT.
LET'S SEE -- FOUR GRUNTS WILL
MEAN "PRIORITIZE."
>> UGH! UGH! UGH! UGH!
>> Xavier: AND THAT'S HOW YOU
SAY "CLOCK."
WELL, I THINK I TAUGHT YOU EVERY
WORD AND STRETCH THERE IS.
SAY CHEESE.
>> UGH! UGH! UGH!
>> Xavier: SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO DO NOW?
>> UGH! UGH! UGH! UGH! UGH!
>> Xavier: WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO
COMMIT SUICIDE?!
I KNOW YOU CRAVE RELEASE FROM
YOUR MISERY, BUT YOU'VE JUST
DOUBLED YOUR DEPRESSION.
[ CHAIN SAW BUZZES ]
YOU'VE JUST QUADRUPLED YOUR
SQUAGMIRE.
[ MACHINE HUMMING ]
YOUR IMMORTALITY IS A CURSED
CAGE.
DEATH IS THE GIFT YOU SHAN'T
RECEIVE.
[ ALL GRUNTING ]
>> Xavier: WHAT'S THAT?
YOU WANT TO KILL THE ARCHITECT
OF YOUR INESQUAPABLE DESPAIR?
HE ALREADY APOLO-JIZZED.
I VOWED TO PROTECT THAT MAFIOSO,
HELP ME.
HELP IS ON MY WAY, AND I'LL BE
RIGHT BEHIND ME.
[ GRUNTING CONTINUES ]
OOH, I CAME AS SOON AS I COULD.
>> WHY AM I HITTING MYSELF?
WHY AM I HITTING MYSELF?
>> Xavier: OH, NO.
IT'S AN INSIDE JOB.
I TOLD YOU SOMEONE WAS OUT TO
KILL YOU.
THIS IS WHAT THE TANDEM CYCLE OF
RANDOM VIOLENCE BREEDS -- A
VENGEFUL BLACK HIT SLUDGE WITH A
GRUDGE HATH WROUGHT THE REAPER
YOU'VE SEWN IN THE GOO OF YOUR
GUILT, AS THE CRèME DE YOUR
KHARMA IS ROOSTING HOME TO HARM
YA.
IT ALWAYS ENDS UP BONING THE
POOR.
>> HE'S PULLING ME BACK IN.
I WANT TO MAKE YOU AN OFFER.
WITH YOUR GOO POWER AND MY CRIME
SMARTS, WE COULD MUSCLE ALL OF
COSMIC CONSCIOUSNESS TO MAKE US
RICH BEYOND BELIEFS.
WHAT DO YOU SAY? PARTNERS?
>> Xavier: YOU GOT YOUR GIFT
AFTER ALL, KID.
HAPPY DEATH DAY.
I'VE GOT YOUR GIFT. IT'S MINE.
I'LL NEVER LET GO.
>> [ SIGHS ]