>> Xavier: THESE BYWAYS OF
AMERICAN'T ARE CRUSTED CON
CARNAGE, PAVED GRAVES THAT
THOUGH CONNECT US, SO TOO TEAR
US FROM NATURE'S CALL.
I'M UP TO MY NOSTRILS IN
NATURE'S CALL, ANKLE-DEEP IN
CARCI.
MOST FOLK ARE BLIND TO THE
CORPSES THAT RIDDLE THE
GENO-SIDE OF THE ROAD.
I WAS TAUGHT TO RESPECT THE
SACRIDITY OF EACH CREATURE, TO
USE EVERY PART OF THE KILL.
YOO-HOO!
WHO HERE RECEIVES MEAT?
OH! I HOPE IT'S YOU.
>> UGH!
CAN I HELP YOU TO NOT BE IN
HERE?
>> Xavier: YOU JUST STRUCK THE
LOTTO D'BEEF.
I CAN'T LET IT GO TO WASTE WHEN
IT COULD GO TO POT.
>> IF YOU'RE TRYING TO TALK YOUR
WAY INTO THE BATHROOM, IT'S FOR
CUSTOMERS ONLY.
>> Xavier: ITS OWN JUICY FLESH
IS THE GREATEST GIFT A BEAST CAN
BESTOW.
WE ARE NOURISHED BY ITS JUICY
LIFE-FORCE.
WE ABSORB THE COSMIC ENERGY OF
ITS JUICY BEING.
HERE.
>> WE HAVE HIGHER MEAT
STANDARDS.
>> Xavier: YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE
ORGANIC FREE-RANGE NAZIS, HUH?
>> MUCH HIGHER.
>> Xavier: WELL, HIGHER-EIL
MEATLER.
>> HERE EACH OF OUR LIVESTOCK IS
ENSURED A FULL, REWARDING
EXISTENCE, WAITED ON HAND AND
HOOF, A PAMPERED LIFE FREE FROM
ALL SUFFERING SO THAT ITS AURAL
ENERGIES ARE KARMICALLY PURE.
WE ALLOW EVERY BEAST THE FREEDOM
TO MAKE ANY ALTERNATIVE
LIFESTYLE CHOICE HE, SHE, OR
HE/SHE DESIRES.
ONLY AFTER IT DIES OF NATURAL
CAUSES IN THE ARMS OF ITS LOVED
ONES DO WE EVEN THINK ABOUT
SERVING IT.
OUR SENSITIVE CLIENTELE DEMANDS
A DINING EXPERIENCE FREE FROM
THE INFECTED, CANNIBALISTIC
INSANITY OF MAD COW OR
CRAZY RASCAL'S DISORDER.
>> Xavier: THAT'S FASCINATING.
ANYWAY, SO, CAN I USE YOUR
BATHROOM OR NOT?
>> I KNEW IT.
TERRY, THROW THIS GUY OUTTA
HERE!
>> THOSE BIG SHOTS IN THERE IS
LIKE, "LOOKY ME!
I'M SPECIAL!
I ATE SOMETHIN' FANCY!"
>> WHAT I'M SAYIN' IS WE GOT TO
LEGALIZE GLUE, MAN.
IT'S GOT OTHER USES THAT AREN'T
JUST MIND-EXPANDING, LIKE...
WHOA!
LOOK.
THAT THING IS WEIRD, MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
THAT THING'S BEEN HERE FOR SIX
MONTHS.
ALL THIS POKING'S GIVING ME THE
HUNGEES FOR THE FUNGEES.
COME ON.
[ WIND WHISTLING ]
WATCH IT, FREAKBEAT!
YOU SPILLED MY GLUE -- LIKE OUR
SOCIETY, MAN.
>> Xavier: WHY ARE YOU HUDDLED
MESSES WRITHING IN VAGABONDAGE?
OOH!
>> THE FOUNDING FATHERS GREW
GLUE ON THE BLUE ON OUR FLAG.
HEY, WHO ARE YOU, MAN?
>> Xavier: I AM HE WHO CAN'T BE
BLIND TO THIS SQUALORA.
AS LONG AS ONE MAN GOES HUNGRY,
NO ONE SHOULD EAT UNTIL EVERYONE
IS FULL.
>> I KNOW!
THE WAR ON GLUE IS A FAILURE OF
A WASTE OF MONEY WITH A CAPITAL
"T," AND THAT'S FOR FREEDOM!
HEY, WHO ARE YOU, MAN?
>> Xavier: THAT BROIL MEAT IS
TREATED LIKE JUICY ROYALTY,
WHILE YOU SAD ANIMALS ARE TROAT
LIKE BEEF, STEWING IN YOUR OWN
JUICY PANT GRAVY.
I'VE JUST EPIPHANIZED A WAY TO
MAKE YOUR WRETCHED LIFE LAP
LUXURY IN THE LAP OF LIFE AND TO
GET ME A NUMBER-ONE-WAY TICKET
TO BLADDER'S BLADDER BLISS.
JUST GOT TO GET AHOLD OF SOME
PIGSKIN.
THIS IS MY SHIMMERING LIFE
PRIZE.
ALL I MUST DO IS CREATE A
DIVERSION.
WHAT COULD DISTRACT PEOPLE WHO
LOVE SPORTS?
[ Echoing ] SPORTS? SPORTS?
SPORTS! SPORTS! SPORTS!
>> SPORTS?
>> All: [ Chanting ] SPORTS!
SPORTS! SPORTS! SPORTS! SPORTS!
>> THIS GLUE ON MY SKIN IS LIKE
MOTHER'S MILK IN THE EYE OF THE
DIAMOND IN THE SEA OF THE...
HEY, WHO PUT THIS TURD ON MY
CAKE?
>> Xavier: I'M EMPIGNATING YOU.
ONCE WE GET IN THE RESTA-RANCH,
JUST BEHAVE LIKE THE HOGS YOU
ARE, AND YOU'LL BE RAVAGED BY
LAVISHNESS AND I'LL GET URETHRAL
RELIEF BY THE SKIN OF THESE
BALLS.
I'VE RETURNED TO EMPORK YOU.
BROUGHT YOU SOME PIGS TO CODDLE,
TOO.
>> OH, THE PRECIOUS ANIMALS OF
THE WORLD!
>> Xavier: AND NOW CAN I
SQUIRREL IT IN YOUR TURLET?
>> MAKE IT QUICK.
>> Xavier: BINGO-DOODLE-LOO!
>> [ SLURPS ]
I'M FINALLY BEING TREATED
LIKE A HUMAN.
MAYBE NOW I CAN STOP HUFFING TO
FORGET MY NIGHTMARES OF WAR.
>> Xavier: ZIP IT.
WHERE'S YOUR ASSOCIATE?
SOOEY!
HERE, PIGGY, PIGGY, PIGGY!
>> HE MOISTENED TO DEATH IN A
TUB OF LOTION.
THEY'RE SERVING HIM NOW.
>> LOOKY ME!
I'M SPECIAL!
I ATE SOMETHIN' FANCY!
>> MAD MADMEN'S DISEASE.
WAS THAT TAINTED HOG?!
>> Xavier: TAINT? HOG?
IT'S MANNIBALISM.
THEY'VE EATEN YOUR LITTLE BOOTY
BUDDY.
I MEAN, I ASSUME YOU TWO WERE,
UH...ENH-UH! ENH-UH!
>> NOTHING I LOVE STICKS WITH
ME.
I NEED A STRONGER ADHESIVE THAN
GLUE TO HEAL MY WOUNDS.
>> Xavier: CHIEF, I WANT TO
LEARN EVERY STEP OF HEALING.
>> YOUNG ONE, IN ORDER TO HEAL A
WOUND, THERE MUST FIRST BE A
WOUND.
>> Xavier: AAH!
>> A SORE IS A DOOR THROUGH
WHICH THE SOURCE OF YOUR
SUFFERING CAN ESCAPE.
[ High-pitched voice ] I CAN
TEACH YOU THAT PAIN IS ALL IN
YOUR HEAD.
>> Xavier: PLEASE! HURRY!
[ CLANK! ]
OHH!
>> [ Normal voice ] NOW THE PAIN
IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD.
>> Xavier: I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU
ON A 12-STEP JOURNEY OF A
THOUSAND REHABILIMILES TO THE
LAND OF YOU.
FOR NOW, TO FACE YOUR FEARS, YOU
FIRST MUST FACE THE FEAR OF YOUR
FACE.
LOOK AT WHAT'S BECOMING OF YE.
>> THIS IS DUMB, MAN.
WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR?
[ CLANG! ]
WHAT'S THAT, MAN?
>> Xavier: THAT'S YOUR AURA.
TUNE IN TO IT.
>> I'M HURTING.
WHO WANTS TO PARTY?
>> WHAT'S AN AURA?
>> Xavier: 'TIS THE LUMINOUS
ECHO OF YOUR BRUTE PHYSICALIA,
THE ULTIMATE ETHEREAL GLUE THAT
ENTWINES THE EGO WITH THE
UNIVERSAL FIELD OF
CONSCIOUSNESS.
>> ULTIMATE GLUE, MAN?
I LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT!
>> WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING IN
HERE?
>> PURE, UNCUT AURA!
THIS IS THE GOOD STUFF.
YOU WANT A HIT?
>> Xavier: PAIN IS NEVER THE
FAULT OF THE FEELER.
IT'S JUST THE FAULT OF ALL THE
ACTIONS YOU CONSCIOUSLY CHOSE TO
MAKE.
>> WHY WOULD YOU BLAME THE
VICTIM?!
TAKE THAT!
TASTE THE PAIN!
>> Xavier: ALL OF YOUR ABUSE
WON'T STOP ME FROM SAVING YOUR
LIFE.
WE ALL TOUGH-LOVE YOU, AND WE'RE
HERE FOR YOU.
THIS IS AN INNER-VENTION.
YOU LIKE SUBTLE DISTINCTIONS?
>> EVER SINCE YOU SAID YOU LOVED
ME, THINGS HAVE GOTTEN REALLY
WEIRD AROUND HERE.
>> Xavier: I'LL HANDLE THIS.
YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE IT ON
YOUR OWN?!
I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU DIVE!
>> I HATE YOU!
>> Xavier: I GOT THIS COMPLETELY
UNDER CONTROL.
LITTLE LADY, AS LONG AS YOU LIVE
UNDER MY BALLET STUDIO THAT WE
JUST BROKE INTO, YOU LIVE UNDER
MY RULES!
>> YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA SEE ME AGAIN!
>> Xavier: GO ON.
RUN AWAY.
THOSE MEAN STREETS WILL EAT YOU
OUT AND SPIT YOU UP AND DOWN
ITS MOUTH.
OOH!
NOW GO -- RUN TO HER.
SHE'S CRYING OUT FOR YOU.
I SET HER UP.
KNOCKERS DOWN.
>> SHE LEFT ME, LIKE EVERYTHING
I LOVE!
I NEED STRONGER ADHESIVE.
I CAN'T HANDLE BEING ABANDONED.
>> Xavier: WELP, I'M GONNA TAKE
OFF.
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO REST UNTIL
I FIND HER AND GET YOU TWO
SOUL MATES BACK TOGETHER!
I SHALL BE YOUR CUPID, ONLY THIS
WINGED CHERUBIC ARCHER WON'T BE
SO QUICK TO THE KILL.
AND I DIDN'T REST, NOR DID I
KILL.
I SHADOWED HER WITH ALL MY
MIGHT, KEPT HER IN MY SIGHTS
LIKE RIGHTS ON WHITES, BIDING MY
TIME, WAITING TO STRIKE LIKE A
SALVATIONATING VIPER OF REVIVAL,
BLANCHED IN THE VENOMOUS
KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU CAN'T UN-CAT
A TASTROPHE BEFORE IT BECOMES A
CRISIS ANY MORE THAN YOU CAN
HEAL A WOUND THAT ISN'T THERE OR
SAVE A LIFE THAT IS ALIVE.
I WATCHED HER GET INTO SOME BAD
STUFF -- SMACK, CRIM-CRAM,
JIMMINIES, DRUMBLES, AND SCI-FI.
SHE HIT ROCK BOTTOM WHEN SHE LET
STRANGERS ENTER HER FOR MONEY
AND GAVE THEM HER AURAL
PLEASURES TILL THEY HAD A
SOULJACULATION, A SPIRITGASM IN
HER CHASM.
BEFORE LONG, SHE WAS TURNING
TRICKS IN A BROTHEL FOR A PIMP,
NAME OF PER SE.
I DECIDED TO GO IN UNDERCOVER --
DEEP UNDERCOVER -- DEEPER THAN
THE DEPTHIOUSNESS OF
DEEPINESS-NESS-NESS-NESS-NESS-
NESS-NESS-NESS-NESS-NESS.
YOU HER PIMP?
>> I'M NOT A PIMP, PER SE, BUT I
COULD GET YOU SOME, PER SE, IF
YOU GIVE ME THAT FLY-ASS COAT.
>> DO YOU WANT AURAL OR
HAND-AURAL?
[ GASPS ]
HOW'D YOU FIND ME?!
>> Xavier: GUESS AGAIN.
I'VE COME TO BREAK YOU OUT OF
HERE.
YOU CAN'T BE HAPPY IN THIS
RELIGIZ BIZSNIZ.
>> I AM A STRONG, INDEPENDENT
AURA!
I'M IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE!
AND I FEEL WHOLE WHEN SOMEONE'S
INSIDE OF ME.
>> Xavier: WELP, I GAVE IT MY
BEST SHOT.
AND SINCE YOU'RE SO LIBERALATED,
I WOULDN'T MIND FEELING THAT
"WHOLE" MYSELF.
>> BUT YOU'RE, LIKE, MY FAMILY.
YOU'RE DISGUSTING.
>> Xavier: OH, SO YOU'LL BE
QUITTING AFTER ALL?
MISS CONCEITED HAS CONCEDED TO
THE GRANDER WIZARD.
>> FINE, I'LL DO IT.
[ MOANING ]
I CAN'T DO THIS!
YOU'RE JUST TOO...
[ RETCHES ]
>> Xavier: COME ON.
JUST FINISH ME OFF.
IT'S ALL THE WAY UP TO MY NOSE,
READY TO BLOW.
I CAME IN FOR NUTTIN', AND I GOT
NUTTIN' -- LIKE, I NEVER CAME.
>> SORRY, BUT I HAVE MY
STANDARDS.
>> YOUR 2:00 SHEEP IS HERE.
>> OKAY!
WOOLSY WANTS A DONKEY PUNCH.
AND NO CHITCHAT.
>> Xavier: THIS IS UNNATURAL.
WHAT'S THAT SORE ON YOUR SIDE?
ARE YOU USING PROTECTION?
>> I'M HER PROTECTION, NIGGA.
>> Xavier: THIS MADNESS COULD
LEAD TO CHAOS.
>> A YOGI MUST LEARN TO MASTER
CHAOS.
A BUTTERFLY FLAPPING ITS WING TO
THE EAST CAN CAUSE A TSUNAMI IN
JAPAN.
IF I FLAP ITS WINGS UPWARDS,
GOOD THINGS HAPPEN.
AND IF I MAKE TWO OF THEM
KISS...
>> Xavier: AAH!
>> OF COURSE, SOME THINGS ARE
TOTALLY BEYOND MY CONTROL.
[ GLASS SHATTERS ]
>> Xavier: I AM THE ONLY THING
STANDING BETWIXT THIS TOWN AND
CHAOS.
OH, NO!
THE INFECTION IS ALREADY AFOOT,
SPREADING LIKE A MOTHER'S LEGS
ON FREE-PEANUT-BUTTER DAY.
[ Voice amplified ] YOUR AURAS
ARE BEING INFECTED WITH A
SPIRITUALLY TRANSMITTED
DISEASE!
YOU HAVE SOUL SORES, CHAKRA
CHANCRES, PSYCHE SCABS,
LIFE-FORCE LESIONS!
ACT NOW AND GET SOME SUPER
GOO GU!
[ Normal voice ] THE VERY STUFF
OF YOUR COLLECTIVE SPIRITUAL
REALITY IS BREAKING OUT!
BE CAREFUL.
A SORE IS A DOOR THROUGH WHICH
THE SOURCE OF YOUR SUFFERING CAN
ESCAPE.
[ CROWD SCREAMING ]
[ GUNFIRE, EXPLOSIONS ]
>> LOOKY ME!
>> Xavier: YOUR QUICK-FIX,
FREE-RANGE CHICKENS OF SPIRITUAL
CHAOS ARE COMING HOME TO
ROOST-A-DOODLE -- WHOA!
FRITTATA!
THE SORE -- IT'S CLOSING UP
AROUND THE TOWN!
I'VE GOT ONE CHANCE TO LANCE
THIS BOIL.
A REAL PIMP WILL POP THIS
PIMPLE.
>> All: [ Chanting ] SPORTS!
SPORTS! SPORTS! SPORTS! SPORTS!
>> Xavier: IF ANY LADIES SEE ME
SAVE THIS TOWN, I'M GOING TO BE
KNEE-DEEP IN...
PUS?!
YOU PEOPLE HAVE FORGOTTEN THE
TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS!
IT'S ABOUT PLAYING TRIBUTE TO
OUR PROUD VETERANS WHO FOUGHT
AND DIED FOR OUR RIGHT TO DIE IN
A FIGHT TO THE DEATH.
THAT'S IT!
>> VETERAN?
I TRIED TO SIGN UP FOR WAR, BUT
THEY SAID I WAS TOO CRAZY TO
KILL.
>> Xavier: WELL, THIS ALL
STARTED WHEN YOU SEPARATED FROM
YOUR AURA.
YOU'VE GOT TO GET BACK.
>> I SMOKED TOO MUCH CEMENT.
>> Xavier: YOU'RE HARD AS A
ROCK.
I KNOW WHERE TO STICK YOU IN.
[ SQUISH! ]
>> [ SPEAKING BACKWARDS ]
>> HO HO HO!
I FEEL PURE AGAIN!
AND AS MAYOR, I VOW TO ENSURE
THAT OUR SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCES
ARE SUBSTANTIVE!
THANKS, XAVIER, WHEREVER YOU
ARE!
[ SPLAT! ]
>> Xavier: YEP.
GLAD I COULD HELP.
MAKES ME FEEL SO FULFILLED, I
JUST COULD -- OHH!
THE BUTTERFLIES OF SPIRITUAL
CHAOS ARE HATCHING!