>> Xavier: [ Echoing ] WHAT IS
THIS PLACE, AND WHO AM I?
I DON'T REMEMBER MY NAME.
ALL I REMEMBER IS THAT I DON'T
KNOW MY NAME AND THAT I CAN'T
REMEMBER IF I DO KNOW MY, UM,
UH, I HAVE THE STRANGE FEELING
THAT I'VE FORGOTTEN ALL OF THIS
BEFORE.
I FORGET IF I REMEMBER THAT
THESE DOORS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN
HERE.
I TRIED THE BLUE ONE.
>> HURRY! TAKE THE GUN, MAN!
>> Xavier: HUH?
WHAT IS THIS FOR?
>> COME ON!
DID YOU FORGET EVERYTHING?!
WE WENT OVER THIS!
YOU'RE IN CHARGE OF SECURITY FOR
THE MAYOR!
>> Xavier: NO COMPADRE YOUR
SPEEKY-SPANIOL.
ENGLISH?
>> THIS TOWN ELECTED A DONKEY
MAYOR AS A SCATHING INDICTMENT
OF OUR JACKASS POLITICAL SYSTEM,
BUT THE POWERS THAT BE WANT HIM
DEAD!
'MEMBER?
YOU'VE GOT TO PROTECT HIM.
[ GUNSHOT, DONKEY BRAYS ]
>> IT WAS HIM!
I SAW HIM DO IT!
WHY ELSE WOULD HE HAVE A GUN?!
>> Xavier: HEE-HUH?
[ GAVEL BANGS ]
I SWEAR, I DIDN'T SHOOT THE
MAYOR.
>> YOU ARE NOT ON TRIAL FOR
SHOOTING THE MAYOR.
YOU ARE ON TRIAL FOR BEING ON
TRIAL.
>> Xavier: BUT I'M INNOCENT.
>> BY PROCLAIMING YOUR
INNOCENCE, IT PROVES YOU'RE ON
TRIAL.
WHAT SAY YOU, JURY?
[ ALL BABBLING ]
IT'S A JURY OF YOUR MENTAL
PEERS.
>> Xavier: WHAT SORT OF LAW IS
THIS?
>> LAWS? LAWS ARE ILLEGAL HERE!
GUILTY!
I SENTENCE THEE TO THREE
GLIMPSES INTO YOUR OWN SOUL.
>> Xavier: [ SCOFFS ]
I COULD DO THAT WITH MY THIRD
EYE TIED BEHIND MY BACK.
>> VERY WELL. SEVEN GLIMPSES!
>> Xavier: NO-O-O-O!
>> AND AS YOUR NEW MAYOR, I
DECLARE THE CONCERNS OF THIS
TOWNSHIP SHALL NO LONGER BE
DONKEY CONCERNS BUT SHALL BE
HUMAN CONCERNS.
AND I VOW TO PROTECT THE
CHILDREN OF THIS TOWN FROM OUR
LOCAL HUMAN-BABY RAPIST...
AND A GAS-TAX HOLIDAY!
[ CROWD CHEERING ]
THANK YOU!
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Xavier: I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN
YOU.
I KNOW WHAT YOUR BUTT DID TO
THAT BOY!
THIS MUST MEAN I SAVED A LIFE.
I'M SOME SORT OF LIFE SAVIOR?
WONDER WHERE'S MY REWARD.
BINGO DOODLE ATTAINMENT OF MORE
ENLIGHTENED LEVEL OF BEING!
I HAVE GRADUATED TO THIS
ADVANCED REALM.
IT FEELS SO RIGHT.
I'VE NEVER FELT MORE -- OH!
>> [ CHOMPS ]
>> Xavier: WHAT IS ALL THIS?
A TEST?
REVEAL YOUR INTENTIONS!
SHOW EITHER YOUR FACE OR YOUR
BODY -- OOH!
>> SOON.
>> Xavier: I DON'T HAVE TO STAND
HERE AND TAKE LIP FROM THE
LIPLESS.
I'M LEAVING, LIKE A TREE MAKES.
[ GRUNTS ]
YOU CAN CONSUME MY DUST.
DON'T LET MY ANUS MUDCAKE YOUR
DOOR ON MY WAY OUT.
YOU CAN FLUSH ME FROMST THE
TOILETTE OF YOUR MIND, BECAUSE
I'M PISSED-TORY.
YOU CAN KISS AND LICK AND CARESS
AND CODDLE AND SWALLOW MY SWEET
ASS GOODBYE.
AND TAKE YOUR TIME.
I'LL BE HERE ALL DAY.
FINE. I'LL RUB IT MYSELF.
[ MAN SPEAKING BACKWARDS ]
I'M TOO LATE.
IF I'D ABETTED THIS POOR MEAT
IN TIME, HE'D STILL BE A
DELICIOUS MAN.
HEALED?!
IN THIS ODD DOMINION, DRIVING
BACKWARDS OVER PEOPLE CAN MEND
THEM.
PEOPLE, HURRY!
GET IN THE WAY!
I'M COMMITTING VEHICULAR
MAN-BURGER HELPER, AND IT TASTES
LIKE PURE LIQUID RELIEF.
BEST PART IS I'M HELPING THE
EARTH, GETTING NEGATIVE-30 MILES
TO THE GALLON.
[ SIREN WAILING ]
OH, THE COPS WANT TO HORN IN
ON MY HEAL DEAL.
I'LL LET 'EM CO-BASK IN MY
REFLECTED GLORY.
HUH.
I SEEM TO HAVE BRUISES AND LUMPS
ON MY FACE.
FOUR WORDS, MEN.
THANKS.
COUNT 'EM 'N' WEEP.
OOH, FREE SHRIMP.
I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD.
MY TUMMY HURTS.
I'VE GOT TO HIT THE HEAD.
IS IT THROUGH THERE?
THIS ISN'T IT.
[ SNIFFS ]
SMELLS LIKE A REAL CREEP BEEN
IN THIS ROOM.
IS IT THROUGH HERE?
I'LL JUST GO IN HERE.
HEY!
ANIMALS OUT THERE.
SO THIS PLACE IS ALL RANDOM,
HUH?
OKAY, I'M GONNA GO IN...
THAT DOOR.
[ Echoing] OUT-RANDOMED.
HUH.
A LAND OF PRIMITIVE SIMPLETONS.
I MUST BE HERE TO TUTOR THESE
DARK DIM-DONGS.
ATTENTION, PEOPLE.
I SHALL SHINE MY RAYS O'
ENLIGHTENMENT UNTO YOU, BRIGHTER
THAN THE BIG GLOWING ORANGE
THING -- THE, UH, WHATCHAMA--
YOU KNOW, THE BIG, DUMB HOT BALL
IN THE SKY.
>> THIS FREAK INSULT SUN GOD.
WE MUST SACRIFICE A VIRGIN.
>> Xavier: IF THESE BE MY LAST
WORDS, THEN I'D LIKE TO LEAVE
THIS WORLD WITH ONE THOUGHT --
ME NO WANNA DIE, MOMMY!
[ WAILING ]
>> WE NOW SACRIFICE THIS DEMON
TO THE GREAT SUN GOD,
QUETZECOITELAKALAKA--
[ GAGGING ]
>> THE GREAT SUN GOD'S NAME
CANNOT BE SPOKEN, FOR IT IS
PRONOUNCED QUETZECO-- [ GAGGING]
>> UH, LET'S JUST CUT TO
SACRIFICE.
>> Xavier: UGH!
PLEASE GET MY MOMMY SO I CAN
TELL ON YOU!
YOU CAN'T SHUFFLE OFF THIS
MORTAL-GOYLE.
GUESS MY DEATH WASN'T IN THE
TAROT THREE CARDS, MONTY.
ZUMA!
THIS SAC-RI-FARCE IS NO WAY TO
APPEASE THE DEI-DEES.
LET'S GIVE THIS SADIS-DICK
SUN GOD A TASTE OF HIS OWN
META-META SIN, MAN.
GO SUMMON HIM.
[ FANFARE ]
LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT.
>> [ PANTING ]
>> Xavier: YOU PEOPLE HAVE
ANGERED THE GODS!
WHY?!
BUT I HAVE AN IDEA.
WE MUST SACRIFICE SOMEONE TO
CUCKOLD AND PACIFY THIS
MEXI-GLOBAL WAR, MANG.
>> [ CHOMPS ]
>> Xavier: I CAN'T BE A
HYPO-GRIST.
I'LL COMMIT SACRI-CIDE.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
I BELIEVE I SAID "GOOD DAY,"
WEIRD ROOM.
[ LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
[ SQUISHING ]
I KNEW IF I BODE MY TIME, I'D
EVENTUALLY WIN MY WAY WITH YOU,
LOVE.
>> BUT I LOVED HIM.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> Xavier: IF THIS IS YOUR IDEA
OF A JOKE, I'D LIKE TO BE
SUBJECTED TO A TRAGEDY.
[ WIND WHISTLING ]
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!
>> DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?
>> YES.
>> DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?
>> [ Crying ] YES.
[ SHEEP BLEAT ]
>> DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?
>> Xavier: THAT'S A COMPLICATED
QUESTION.
IT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU MEAN BY
"GOD."
YOU SEE, I --
>> YES OR NO!
>> Xavier: IT HELPS NO ONE TO BE
REDUCTIVE.
I BELIEVE THAT THAT WE ARE HERE
IMPLIES TO SOME DEGREE THAT
THERE ARE FORCES LARGER THAN US.
NOW, WE CAN GET INTO THE
SEMANTICALITIES OF --
>> YES OR NO!
>> Xavier: THE VERY NOTION OF
BELIEF ITSELF CAN BE
RHETORICALLY WHITTLED TO THE
BARE NUB OF ITS MEANING.
I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU A LOT
MORE ABOUT THIS.
WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN
READING SOME OF MY LITERATURE?
>> NO!
[ GUNSHOT ]
[ BEEP ]
>> Xavier: SO, IT WAS ME ALL
ALONG.
NOW I UNDERSTAND WHAT'S
HAPPENING IN HERE.
I JUST NEED TO GO THROUGH THE
BLACK DOOR.
GOD HAS PUT ME THROUGH HIS
REAMER, BUT I'VE COME OUT THE
OTHER SIDE WITH HIS CALLING
IN MY EAR.
>> [ Crying ] THIS IS HOW
STARVING PEOPLE CRY.
>> Xavier: A CRYING LADY!
I'LL HELP YOU. I'M A FEMINIST.
I'LL MAKE SEXISM MY BITCH.
SEXISM WILL BE LIKE...
[ High-pitched voice ] "OOH,
XAVIER, YOU'RE SO STRONG.
KISSY, KISSY. YOU CAN HIT ME.
I LIKE IT...
[ Normal voice ] ROUGH"!
>> HONEY, I FOUND A CORN
NIBL-- HUH?
HAVE YOU SEEN MY EX-WIFE?
SHE WAS JUST HERE.
>> Xavier: I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS
AND A SNACK FOR YOU.
HOW CAN I BREAK THIS EASY?
>> DO I SMELL FOOD?
>> Xavier: MOTHER!
SURE! HELP YOURSELF!
>> YOU'RE SO KIND.
FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, I WANT
TO GIVE YOU A HUG, SON.
>> GO ON, GET YOUR HUG.
FREE GRINDER.
>> HEY, DON'T JUST TELL HIM TO
TAKE THE HUG.
TELL HIM TO KICK HER IN THE
FACE, TOO.
>> DON'T JUST TELL HIM TO KICK
HER IN THE FACE!
TELL HIM TO KICK LARRY IN THE
FACE AS WELL!
>> OKAY. I -- WAIT.
WHO'S LARRY?
>> LARRY'S THE FIRST DEMON.
>> REALLY?
I THOUGHT HIS NAME WAS GUS.
>> GUS?
WHAT KIND OF NAME IS GUS?
>> WELL, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
>> MY NAME IS
GOLDURN B. TAINTNONE -- AS IN
'TAIN'T NONE OF YOUR GOLDURN
BEESWAX! -- THE 3rd.
>> WILL YOU GUYS QUIT DICKERING?
[ Lisping ] LET US FOCUS ON
GETTING THIS GRINDER.
>> HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT, EVERYONE?
I ACTUALLY HAVE A GRINDER HE CAN
HAVE.
HERE.
DON'T SPEND IT ALL IN ONE PLACE.
>> WHA?
[ Lisping ] DON'T BEND IT ALL IN
SOME SPACE.
>> WHA?
DON'T SPIT IN OLIVER'S FACE.
>> WHA?
BONES LEND ITALIANS YOUR WASTE.
>> WHA?
TELEPHONE GAME'S A DISGRACE.
>> WHA?
CHICKA-BA GOOM WAP MACE.
>> WHA?
DON'T SPEND IT ALL IN ONE PLACE.
>> Xavier: WHAT?
HOW DID THAT GET THERE?
HUH.
I'D LOVE TO HUG YOU, MOTHER.
>> [ Whispering ] RIGHT INTO MY
PLAN.
>> ♪ SLIPPYTOWN VILLIAGE CHILI
SLIDE PARK, YEAH ♪
>> FLUME THROUGH THE
LOOP-DE-LEGUME CON CARNE AND
CHILL IN OUR SCALDING
THREE-ALARM KIDDIE POOL!
>> I BEAN SLIDIN' DOWN THE
BEEF PIPE ALL DAY!
>> YOU'LL JALAPEÑO PANTS.
>> Xavier: I'VE GOT NOTHING TO
ADD TO THAT.
[ WIND WHISTLING ]
[ INSECTS BUZZING ]
THAT DIDN'T WORK.
I'M NOT MOVING UNTIL YOU TELL ME
WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT!
[ CLANKING ]
SIR, DO YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE ALL
OF THIS STOP?
>> HURRY! TAKE THE GUN!
YOU'VE GOT TO PROTECT THE MAYOR!
[ GUNSHOT ]
>> Xavier: ONLY ONE DOOR LEFT TO
TRY.
ITS ALWAYS THE LAST DOOR HOLDS
THY DEEPEST REWARD.
I DON'T WANT TO PLAY WITH
DOLLIES, MOMMY.
I WANT TO RAMBLE THE WORLD TO
HELP FOLKS.
>> [ CRYING ]
>> Xavier: WHAT'S WRONG, LITTLE
GIRL?
>> I CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN 'CAUSE
I'M GAY.
>> Xavier: I'LL SMUGGLE YOU TO
HEAVEN VIA THE UNDER-BROWN
MALE-ROAD.
ONCE I SHOVE YOU UP THIS
TROJAN ARSE, YOU'LL BE THE FIRST
GAY HOMO IN HEAVEN.
>> UGH!
>> Xavier: THE BLACKY ROBINSON
UNCLE-TOM CRUSOE-MO!
>> YAHOO! YAY!
[ ALARM BLARING ]
>> INTRUDER ALERT!
THERE HAS BEEN A BREACH IN THE
SYSTEM!
HEAVEN WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN
10 SECONDS IF THE INTRUDER DOES
NOT REVEAL THEMSELVES.
10...9...
>> OKAY, IT'S ME.
>> YOU HAVE SACRIFICED YOURSELF
FOR THE GOOD OF THE WHOLE.
YOU ARE THE NEW MESSIAH.
WHAT WILL BE YOUR FIRST ACT AS
MESSIAH?
>> MY FIRST ACT IS TO DROP THE
ACT!
NOW LET ME GET SOME WHITE WOMEN
FOR THE FIRST BLACK MAN IN
HEAVEN!
>> Xavier: I GIVE UP.
I LAY MY QUEEN DOWN AND
SORE-END HER.
I CONCEDE.
>> TRY OPENING ALL THE DOORS AT
ONCE.
>> Xavier: [ Echoing ] YES.
OVERLOAD THE SYSTEM!
>> WE...
>> ARE...
>> ALL...
>> JUST...
>> PLAY...
>> ERS...
>> IN...
>> THE...
>> GAME...
>> OF...
>> LIFE!
[ THUD ]
>> CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU MAY NOW BEGIN TO PLAY THE
GAME.
>> Xavier: [ Echoing ] OF LIFE.
[ APPLAUSE ]