Previously on Warehouse 13:
That will take you directly to who has the sword, and that...
...will lead you to MacPherson.
- Who? - Who?
I wasn't here when everything went down between Artie and MacPherson...
...but I know it was bad.
That's called the past rearing its ugly head.
Someone out there is running around using the artefact--
That someone is MacPherson.
He wanted more than the sword. He wanted to mess us up as a team.
Now it's up to you to stop him.
MacPHERSON: Hello, Arthur.
Done. I win. Ha, ha, ha.
It's not a race.
Said the tortoise to the hare.
You know, in the story, the tortoise actually wins.
It's a fairy tale. How is a turtle gonna beat a rabbit?
It's not a fairy tale. It's a fable, a life lesson.
Slow and steady wins the race.
Okay, here's a life lesson...
- ...Pete fast, Pete win. - You all finished?
- Oh, hey, hey, Artie, Artie. - Yeah.
If you were making a bet, who's faster, a turtle or a rabbit?
Yeah, you finished the report?
Yeah. Who are these going to? Not Mrs. Frederic.
Yeah, she doesn't seem like the paperwork type.
No, these go above all our pay grades.
- Who? - Myka, one day you will know...
...all answers to all questions, just not today.
- Okay, fine. Enjoy your top secrets. - Gotta go. Can't leave that courier waiting.
What? A courier?
What is this, the Wells Fargo wagon? Haven't you ever heard of e-mail?
No, that's not secure enough because we-- Doesn't matter.
You are having a day to yourselves?
Have fun. Claudia's doing chores. And I'll see you later.
- Doing chores where? - In a warehouse.
Scalpel.
Thank you, nurse.
There's an awful lot of blood.
I think I need some suction.
Ganza! Good as new.
And get into the corners this time. Don't make me push you.
Go on.
Ew. Warm.
Mm.
Frosty goodness.
What else?
Okay, "repair AutoVac." Slice-o-pie.
"Tighten and lubricate zip line."
Sounds kind of dirty when you say it like that.
God, ancient junk-oleum.
You gotta update this turd someday, Artie.
Hey! Be careful! Oh!
No.
No, no, no! Crap!
Crappity, crap, crap, crap!
Oh, my God! Not good!
This is not gonna look good on my report card!
Oh, my God. Okay, don't panic.
Oh, that's far.
Oh, W.W.A.D. What would Artie do?
Um....
Momentum. Gotta get momentum.
All right. Unh!
Come on, momentum.
Let's go.
No, no, no. This sucks!
So if it isn't Mrs. Frederic, then who's getting those reports?
I don't know, Mr. Frederic?
Claudia! I brought doughnuts.
Doughnut.
- It's chocolate. - Hm.
- What's "AD"? - Artefact disturbance.
You know, you really need to read the manual.
That can't be good.
Claudia?
- Claudia! - Claudia!
I was just wondering--
I was hoping that you could take a message to the higher-ups for me.
This MacPherson situation, I realise that they prefer...
- ...a hands-off approach but-- - You're talking.
- We don't talk. - Oh, I didn't think there was a rule.
I just thought you weren't particularly social.
I see I was right about that.
Oh, God.
Hi.
She would like a word.
I'm sure she would.
Let's just follow the zip line. She's bound to turn up.
I just hope she's okay, you know?
Claudia's like bamboo.
You can bend her all you want, she'll never break.
- This is hers. - How do you know?
- We have to get rid of Artie's bedazzler. - Hello.
Is that a dodgeball?
- How did that get in here? Unh! - I don't--
Hell, no.
Did that just do what I think it did? Ow!
Yeah, yeah.
- Gosh. - That thing having babies?
- Yeah. Look. - Okay, okay.
- Let's get out of here. Unh! - Okay.
You-- Those things-- Those things hit us every time we look away.
Yeah, I'm gonna go with you on that so I don't end up with a concussion.
Mm. Ooh!
- The screen. Right? Let's-- - What? Oh, yes.
Let's-- Let's read the screen.
"Baylor dodgeball.
Used for military dexterity and agility training.
Multiplies upon contact." That we already know.
"Acquired after the...
...bludgeoning deaths of five cadets in 1972."
Uh-- Uh-- Bludgeoning is bad.
Agreed. Agreed.
Okay, there's a neutralising station around the corner.
- There-- There should be. Okay. - Ah. Okay.
- Okay, okay, okay. - Okay, okay, okay.
- Ready? On three. - Okay.
Three!
Unh! Oh!
Let's see how these puppies like a neutraliser flea bath.
Ha-ha!
Unh!
Wait a minute, why isn't it working?
Okay, this is bad.
What's happening? Why isn't it working?
- I don't know. It's busted. - Okay, what do we do now?
- Plan B. - What's-- What's plan B?
- I was hoping that you knew. - No.
Okay, wait. Uh-- Uh--
That's-- What's that one?
- "Breathe underwater." Okay. - "Hear colours."
- "Grow fingernails fast." - "Summon locusts." That's not....
- They're dodgeballs. - Yes, yes, that's already established.
That's how you win at dodgeball. You have to catch it.
These are too fast. What about "death by bludgeoning"?
No, no, no, look. You look away, right?
- When they go for you, I'll catch one. - We should go with plan C.
- Plan C? - I run and you get pummelled.
Look!
Pete?
- Ha, ha, ha. - God.
Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo. Yeah.
Who smells like tuna fish now, Ralph Brunsky?
- Who? - Huh?
Who?
Ahem. Oh, I was just-- I was having a little playground flashback.
Ah.
Hi, there. Welcome to Ted's.
I'm Theadora, but everybody calls me Ted.
Party of one?
No, no, I'm meeting that woman right over there...
...and it's rarely a party.
- Hello. - Oh, Arthur, have a seat.
- Why are we meeting here? - We need to have a chat.
Pie of the day is banana cream.
I highly recommend it. Made it myself.
A steak, bloody, black coffee...
...two pieces of the pie.
Two-- Um--
Just house salad.
Leena's got me on a diet.
Maybe just one piece of that pie, please.
She made it herself.
- How are things at the warehouse? - They're good. Fine.
A little chaotic, but it's a good kind of chaos.
And the missions?
No one's been killed. You can't ask for more than that.
And we have an excellent retrieval rate.
What about the incidents in Paris or Las Vegas or Colorado?
Mrs. Frederic, you know all about those. Why are you asking me about them?
I'm forgetful. Refresh my memory.
You were saying about Paris....
Claudia, there's half a doughnut in the office.
How far do you think she could've gotten before the zip line snapped?
Could be the other end of the warehouse.
- There's an end? - I hope so.
Duck and cover.
Okay, that was bigger than usual.
To hell with this.
I'm gonna see if I can spot her from up here.
Well, be careful.
What is it?
Go down the aisle, cross two over, and turn right.
It's Leena's.
But how?
And there's a Claudia-shaped hole in the roof.
Claudia?
- Are you here? - Wait, guys. No, don't--
Don't close the...
...door.
Thank God you're-- We were following the zip line and the--
Yeah, no, I'm good. We're all trapped in here for eternity...
...but, otherwise, I'm solid.
Okay.
Well, let's just get back to the office so we can fix the--
- What? - What?
What the hell?
This is what I've been saying.
- First the goo doesn't work. - Mm-hm.
Then one of those static balls tries to cook us.
Mm-hm. - And now a clingy house.
The warehouse is in a bad mood today.
FYI, if anyone has to use the bathroom, don't flush.
- Trust me. - Okay, okay, you know what?
Just-- We just have to wait and think about this for a second.
New plan.
Scoring that an 8.5.
Next time you gotta stick the landing.
Let's all just stop and think about this a second.
- That's a good plan. Good plan. - Claudia, did you try...
...climbing out of the same hole you fell in?
Yeah. Came right back in through the fireplace.
I don't recommend it.
And you trust Pete and Myka?
With my life. They're consummate professionals.
Mrs. Frederic, I have to ask you, why specifically do--? Excuse me.
We're having a private-- Do you mind?
Oh, no. That's all right.
Okay.
What is he...?
Very sorry. Private party.
Wait, what is-- What is going on?
I thought they would never leave. Okay, here we go.
You be careful now. This is a hot plate.
I think we can begin.
Mr. Valda.
- Hello, Irene. - Mr. Valda, nice to see you again.
- This is Agent Nielsen. - Just a minute.
- What is this? - That's a house salad.
Bering and Lattimer are consummate professionals.
Thank you, Theadora.
So as you stated in the past, Agents Bering and Lattimer's mission--
Uh-- Do you mind telling me exactly what is happening here?
Arthur, Mr. Valda's asking the questions. Please don't interrupt him.
Yeah, I don't think I'll be answering any questions...
...until you tell me what this is about.
Sometimes he forgets we answer to a higher authority.
What higher authori...
...ty?
The Regents. These are the Regents?
The Regents meet here?
They do today.
You really expect me to believe that--
What exactly were you expecting, Agent Nielsen?
Hooded, cloaked figures standing in half-light...
...around a perpetually burning flame?
He's seen too many movies.
I....
You know, I just would have thought that-- This waitress is a Regent?
John Adams was a farmer.
Abraham Lincoln was a small-town lawyer.
Plato, Socrates were teachers.
Jesus was a carpenter.
To equate judgement and wisdom with occupation is at best...
...insulting.
Yeah. Uh--
That's not what I meant.
I know what you meant.
Who would you have control the warehouse?
Kings? Popes? Politicians? There'd be nothing left of it.
Yeah, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
It's just, I didn't think--
Yes. That's one of the reasons we needed to speak with you.
Your reluctance to think.
- Irene? - Mrs. Frederic.
Thank you, Theadora.
So as I was saying...
...you stated in the past that Agents Bering and Lattimer's mission...
...was to snag it, bag it, and tag it. Correct?
Yeah, well, I mean, I said that. I didn't mean to denigrate the job description.
Yet, in their brief tenure as field agents...
...they managed to destroy James Braid's chair.
If you let me explain--
- Lewis Carroll's mirror. - That wasn't destroyed.
Your agents released a malevolent entity into the warehouse...
...allowing it access to dangerous artefacts.
It was an accident. It was a total accident.
It is not uncommon for artefacts to be occasionally destroyed...
...for the greater good.
Lattimer and Bering, they've repeatedly shown bravery.
They've shown quick thinking. They're probably the best agents...
- ...that the warehouse has ever had. - Arthur!
Their abilities are not in question here.
Oh.
This is about me?
Not only you.
Your former partner.
MacPherson?
Okay, okay, so this version of the B&B...
...is in the warehouse because....
It's an artefact.
But can this whole place be an artefact? Like, is that even possible?
Yeah, pretty much anything is possible.
Okay, so maybe there was an artefact in the original...
...that they couldn't take out, right?
So-- So they just moved the whole thing.
And rebuilt the new one without it.
Look for anything here that's different from our B&B.
All right. Okay, that was kind of cool.
We had this little group-think thing going on. Gold stars all around.
Oh, hey, hey, hey!
I do not recognise that chair.
You were sleeping in it last week. What about this ugly lamp?
Those lightbulbs burnt out a month ago, but this....
This is new.
Or old.
- It's fused to the wall. This is it. - Huh.
It's a painting of this room.
And we can't leave this room.
Seems like quite the coinky-dink, don't you think?
Yeah, how very Salvador Dalí. Do you think this painting's keeping us here?
Maybe. Pete, look at the lamp.
- What? - Okay, now look at the painting.
Claudia put it back in a different spot.
It changed because of what you did.
Okay, okay, so maybe if I do something to the picture...
...that happens.
Sick!
Oh....
After you.
Okay.
- Your turn. - Don't mind if I do.
- Don't even bother. - Ugh.
At least that was new.
Oh, man. you know what? This thing is useless!
- Did I do that? - Well, neither of us did.
I can see the warehouse.
Okay, there's-- Uh-- There's a letter opener, if I remember....
Yes. Okay.
Okay.
Heh, heh.
Let's go.
Unh.
All right, safe and sound.
- What? - That.
Maybe we should have stayed inside.
We need to get back to the office.
Oh, no need.
"What are you doing wasting time installing backup terminals in the aisle?"
You never know when you might need one, Artie.
- Nice. - Hey-o.
Okay, looks like the problem is in the Gooery.
- What's a Gooery? - I'm guessing it's Claudia-speak...
- ...for the Neutraliser Processing Centre. - Right. Of course.
Well, it's chapter 197 in the manual.
It's 1000 pages. I'll wait for the movie.
Okay, the Neutraliser Processing Centre is what pumps the purple goo...
...creating a stability field.
It's like all the gak here are nuclear rods.
As long as there's coolant, it's good. The Gooery jakes out the coolant.
It keeps the artefacts from getting all artefact-y on their own.
Okay, so the Gooery-- Cool name, by the way.
--needs to go back online. -Man with a plan.
Okay, so does chapter 198 say...
...what happens if we don't get it working again?
Same thing that happens to nuclear rods without the coolant, except worse.
When we get to 100 percent, we have China syndrome.
We've got maybe half an hour left.
- What's the fastest way? - Let me see.
We gotta go through aisle Haddonfield-79...
...then loop around Carlsbad-22.
No, why don't we just go straight through here?
- Because that's the Dark Vault. - Ooh.
Okay. See, I know what that is. Didn't read the manual.
That's where all the dangerous stuff is.
Yeah, like, mega-dangerous, dude. Mondo.
Okay, but we still-- We can't loop around.
- I say we take the risk. - I agree.
It's not often that I agree, but I agree.
Guys, if we're gonna do this thing, let's do this thing.
Wait, no, no. You're not going anywhere, Claud. You're gonna stay put.
- I'm coming with. - No, no. We're the agents.
We agreed to risk our lives, not you.
This is my home. You might need help.
She's right. She has read the manual.
Am I never gonna hear the end of that?
She knows this place, okay? I say that she comes with.
- Please? - Okay, fine, but stick close.
- And you do exactly as we say. - All right.
Suicide mission with the team.
Kind of exciting. I'm excited. Come on!
And in attempting to save Joshua Donovan...
...you placed his sister, yet another civilian, in danger.
I'm sorry. Excuse me, please.
Why am I being asked about cases that have nothing to do with MacPherson?
Agent Nielsen, I will ask the questions.
It might be wise to let this run its course for now.
All right, fine.
Fine. Yes. Yes.
In saving Joshua, I maybe put Claudia in da-- A little danger.
- But I promised her that if-- - You promised?
You promised?
Sounds like personal feelings became involved in professional judgement.
This has been an issue in the past, has it not?
It may have come up.
But his artefact-retrieval rate is excellent.
- It's the highest in years. - Thank you.
Simply the facts.
Very well, then. The facts.
Thank you, Theadora.
Did you or did you not on two separate occasions...
...involve Daniel Dickenson...
...a high-ranking Secret Service officer...
...in Warehouse 13 matters...
...all of which were classified at the highest level?
- Yes. - We have a unique relationship...
...with the United States government, a relationship that your actions...
...have now complicated.
I contacted a fellow government official...
...in the normal course of performing my job...
...a job to which I have dedicated the last 40 years of my life.
No one's questioning your dedication, Arthur.
What we are questioning, Agent Nielsen...
...is your future.
It's sealed with an Omega level security code.
- Can you hack it? - Pope, Catholic. Bear, woods.
You know the drill.
And done.
Man, this place is creep-tastic.
Okay, don't-- Don't look. Don't touch.
Just keep moving.
These objects are so dangerous...
...they can only be controlled by purple containment fields.
Why are the neutraliser systems still working in here?
Backup generators, because everything's so dangerous.
Don't worry, they should hold up long enough for us to...
...realise my karma sucks.
We're starting to lose them. Just-- Just keep moving.
- This will take me a minute. - Is it a different code?
- Gotta use FTL-ASCII algorithm. - You made that up.
Hey, little guy, what are you in for?
Almost there. Hang in there, guys.
And we're good.
Okay, let's go.
Pete?
Pete, what are you--?
Wait, wait, wait!
- Pete! - Crap!
- Pete! - What are you doing?
- Can you hear us? Come to the door! - Pete! Pete!
Pete, can you hear me?
Pete, are you okay?
Pete! Pete, are you okay?
Attention, warehouse agents.
Mrs. Frederic. Thank God.
Emergency evacuation required.
Repeat, emergency evacuation required.
Mrs. F, we're down here!
Energy levels approaching critical mass.
That's a recording.
- Yeah. Yeah. - Emergency evacuation required.
- That's the most I've ever heard her say. - I know.
This is a whole other code level. It's gonna take me a few minutes. Sorry.
You know what? You know what? Step aside. Just stand over there.
- Emergency evacuation required. - What are you...?
Whoa!
Okay, that was flat-out awesome.
- Pete, what are you doing? We gotta go. - Wait! Wait! Stop, stop, stop!
The circle, I think it's there for a reason.
Right?
Pete, what you doing?
Oh, nothing.
He's looking at a typewriter.
It's not just any typewriter. It's Sylvia Plath's.
She wrote this poem called "Ennui" and she took her own life in--
Myka, I spent some serious time in the bell jar.
I know who Sylvia Plath is.
Right.
What's that thing doing to him?
It's sucking the life out of him.
We have to get him out of the containment field.
Pete?
Pete, can you come here?
Why?
What's the point?
What do we do?
There's no time.
Okay, you go up to the Gooery, get it online.
I'll stay here and deal with this.
Like, just on my own or...?
Yeah. Claudia, you know this warehouse, okay? I--
I trust you.
- Right. Yeah. No, I'll just-- I'll do it, then. - Go.
Get going. Tick tock.
- I have a few more questions. - Do you? Really?
- Yeah, I have a few of my own. - Arthur, don't do anything foolish.
This exercise is a pointless and insulting waste of time.
I asked you not to do this.
If MacPherson is out there--
What? "If"? "If"?
If? I have a wound right here. Here in my shoulder that should prove it.
He's out there. He's out there. He's planning something far worse...
...than you can imagine. What are you doing about it?
What are you doing? You're tying my hands.
You leave us no choice.
You say MacPherson is a threat.
And you use that to justify violating warehouse protocol...
...time and time again.
Pretty soon, you're gonna be making up your own rules...
...just to sanction your actions.
Does that sound familiar, Agent Nielsen, huh?
Sound like someone we both knew?
Mr. Valda, he knows the rules.
He knows that I'm forced to follow them.
Don't you see that? And if I'm gonna take MacPherson, and I am...
...then rules have to be broken.
That'll only work. You know what's not gonna work?
Reining in the one person that can stop him...
...before it's too late. Look at all of you. You're not out in the field.
You're here, hiding in plain sight.
What are you doing? You're judging me. You're judging my methods, because....
You're afraid of him.
- Tell me I'm wrong. - Arthur....
No, no, no.
Mr. Valda, look at me.
You tell me right to my face, tell me I'm wrong.
Yeah, well, either fire me or kill me...
...or let me do my job.
Better make a decision, and you better make it fast...
...before he makes it for you.
I believe the ball is in your court.
Okay, Pete, we're running out of time here, so....
Okay, look, what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna take off my belt, all right?
I'm gonna throw it to you. You grab it...
...and I'll pull you out of there, okay, Pete?
Whatever.
Okay, grab the belt.
Pete, grab the belt.
Pete, grab it. Grab the belt.
Okay.
You're a rabbit, right?
Pete, you're not a tortoise, so win. Win the race.
Just grab it.
Win, lose, what's the diff?
Okay.
- Warehouse, give me something. - Emergency evacuation required.
- Give me something. - Emergency evacuation required.
Thank you.
- Okay. Pete. - Unh!
Ah! You again.
- Are you okay? - Yeah. What was that?
Okay, listen, we're running out of time. The warehouse is about to explode.
Okay, so just come on.
Oh, boy.
Critical mass in five minutes. Critical mass in five minutes.
Really? Cliché much?
Gross.
Ugh. Well, it's not so bad.
It kind of smells like chicken.
Critical mass in four minutes.
- Are you okay? - I'm okay.
I'm just a little drained, that's all. You go. Go ahead. I'll catch up.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, yeah. You go.
- Okay. - Go.
Myka.
Yeah?
Thank you.
Okay, ugly, I'm just gonna pull you out.
Oh, this is slippery.
Okay. Gloves are coming off.
Yeah. Okay.
Now I want Italian food.
No.
Unh! Not the plan. Nope.
- Critical mass in three minutes. - Shut up!
- Claudia? - Myka!
I know it looks like I'm having a bunch of fun, but help!
Almost there.
- No, no, no! Don't touch. - What?
Way too sticky. No point in us both getting ground up.
Okay.
- Unh! - What is this stuff?
If I remember properly, it's hours of fun for the whole family.
Unh!
- All right. - No!
No!
Oh, they lied. It's not even minutes of fun, really.
Where's Pete? Still bored out of his mind?
No, he'll be here in a minute. Just keep pulling.
Critical mass in two minutes.
Mind if I yell? I'm gonna yell.
- Pete! - Critical mass in two minutes.
Pete, help!
- Pete! - Chicks!
Pete, hey, you have to find something to cut this stuff!
- You don't mean our arms, right? - No.
- Don't touch it! - Don't touch it!
- It's sticky. - Attention, warehouse agents...
...energy levels are now at Omega level.
- Critical mass in one minute. - We're boned.
- How much time did she just say? - Fifty seconds.
See? See? Even on tape, she still creeps--
Pete, just please go find something!
- I'll go look. - My tool belt.
- What? - Right there.
- Get the snow globe. - Okay. Ha!
I got it.
Hey, hey, hey.
- Use it to freeze the gears. - Pete!
Okay, okay. I got a better idea. Hold on!
Hold on. Hold on.
- All right. - Thirty seconds.
- You guys gotta pull really hard... - Yes.
...right...
...now!
Attention, warehouse agents, emergency abated.
- Nice work. - Thank you.
Oh, God. How do you do that?
That was quite a performance.
Sounded better in my head.
- So am I fired? - Worse. They want you to stay.
Bering and Lattimer are not the best agents we've ever had.
You are.
- They said that? - It was said.
And they were smart enough to believe me.
Oh.
Thanks.
Simply the facts.
What about MacPherson?
Good hunting. Try not to get yourself killed.
No, no, no. Don't try to be all friendly with me now.
- Um.... Hey, Myka? - Yeah?
I just wanted to say thanks for...
...you know, trusting me before.
Claudia, I--
I know what it's like to be your age and have no one believe in you.
Yeah.
You're good. No, you're really good.
You'll be fine.
Thanks.
Hey, you know, if you're not busy later...
...maybe you could show me how to do that, kee-cha, kick thing...
...because, like, I tried it on a light switch and I think I broke my toe.
- And I know I broke the light switch. - That would be fun, you know?
And maybe you could teach me how to hack into the--
- The grid? You wanna hack the grid? - I wanna hack the grid.
- Okay. Yeah, I'm down. - I cleaned up the last of the mess.
You know, I bet Artie won't even notice.
Won't notice what?
- Your welcome-back surprise party. - Whoo!
Surprise!
You look surprised. Doesn't he look surprised?
Tell me.
The zip line crashed, and there were these dodgeballs....
Some glop got in the Gooery gears. We went to the Dark Vault....
Things got sparky. There was like a storm brewing above....
- She came over and pushed me.... - We fixed it. We fixed it.
- We fixed everything. - Good as new.
- It's all fixed. - Totally.
How long you have before the warehouse was gonna explode?
- Under a minute. - More like 30 seconds.
That's lucky. I once got there with 17...
...and her voice gets really annoying...
...when she's counting down seconds one at a time.
You didn't lose that thing I had made for you, did you? The....
- Oh, no. - Oh.
- Great. That's good. - It survived. Heh, heh. Yay.
Wait, are we not in trouble?
You guys had it under control, right?
That we did, amigo.
That we did. All right, I don't know about you guys, but I'm starving.
- Who wants Mexican? - I do. Need tacos, stat.
Myka?
Por que no. Artie?
No, I had pie. Well, I almost had pie.
But go, go, go. Enjoy yourselves.
- Enjoy yourselves. - Now I want pie.
- You always want pie. - Who doesn't want pie?
- Maybe just bring me one taco? - Ha, ha, ha.
Whatever.
And rest up...
...because you're gonna need it.