NARRATOR: Previously on Warehouse 13:
I love you, little sister...
...and I am counting on you to fix all of this.
[♪♪♪]
You love me and I love you. It's simple.
It's just that your life is filled with excitement and danger.
And it's all the things that I don't want.
Goodbye, Pete.
[♪♪♪]
"But who was this woman? And why did she--"
Hey. Hey, what? What? What are you, writing a book?
No.
Yes. No. Which-- Which answer will make you stop asking?
No, no. I think it's cool. When did you start?
Off and on, about a year ago.
You're on page six.
More off than on.
Hello?
- Hello. - Ugh!
- Come on, I've just sat down. - Thank God, you're here.
Relax. I'm not here for you.
- Steve! Steve! Steve! - What? Are you okay? What's wrong?
A ping for you and Claudia.
That's why you're yelling like your hair's on fire?
- Why is that ping not for us? - Whoa. So benching us?
I'm worried about Claudia.
She's locked up for two days in the Warehouse.
She's researching her sister Claire. It's not healthy.
- So you're trying to distract her? - Yeah, but-- Shush, you.
Look, there's a ping, there's trouble. There's artefacts. Go. Go, go, go.
Ooh, is that a hoagie? Oh, I want a hoagie.
He'll get nothing and like it.
[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]
Hello? Pete?
Kelly. What--? Hey.
I'm-- I'm sorry to burst in like this, but I'm in trouble.
Oh, my God.
Are you...? Are we...? Am I...?
- But we were.... Oh, my God. - You know what, I'll leave you two alone.
Myka, please stay.
Pete, relax.
This isn't about the baby. It's not yours.
I'm married. Besides, we broke up, like, two years ago.
You do know how babies are made, right?
- Pete, exhale. - Whew.
Ha-ha. Thank you. Ha-ha. That's, like, wow.
- Wow, that's great, congrats. - Listen.
I actually need both your help.
My grandmother's TV is possessed.
[♪♪♪]
If I can't temper her outburst...
- ...maybe I'll focus on her telekinesis. - Claud?
I can recreate the music box song.
- Do a brain scan. - Claud.
She'd have to be awake and could blow up the building.
- Claud! - Yaah! Jeez!
Don't sneak up on me like that!
I've been standing here.
Well, stand louder.
You're tense. How's it going?
I want to punch things.
Okay, you need a break. We got a ping.
What? No. No, no, no, no, no.
No. I.... I have so much work to do.
I'm on the verge of a major breakthrough here. So....
Oh, really? What, uh.... What is that?
Well, it's.... You know....
I can.... I can circumvent....
Oh, God, I hate being friends with you.
Charlie Battes, a college student. While giving a presentation in class...
...his spine spontaneously broke in three places.
- Did Artie send you? - No, I saw it on CNN.
Yes, Artie sent me!
Uhn! Fine, I'll go, errand boy. But this better be snappy.
PETE: Oh, yeah, man, I love books. I'm a big fan of books.
As a matter of fact, I got a lot of great ideas for your book.
Now, I'm guessing it's kind of a spy-romance novel...
...with a sci-fi bend.
Well, you think we could get some robots in there?
Yeah, Pete, definitely. You know, naked, sexy fembots.
Kelly. Thank God. Just please distract him.
So, my nana's been homebound ever since my grandpa died.
Right, and you said that was two years ago?
Yes, I usually come twice a week to bring her food, magazines...
...and usually, she's in there watching TV, but this morning....
I just found this.
Oh. And this is what was on when you found it?
Yes. It's my nana's favourite telenovela, Seducción Salvaje.
"Savage Seduction." But it was cancelled. It ended last night.
Right, not to mention....
I unplugged it when nothing else turned it off. And as you can see...
- ...it didn't work. - Where's your nana now?
I don't know. I called everybody.
I called the police, but they told me I have to wait 24 hours.
I can't. I just know that there's something wrong.
- Guys? - Yeah?
[WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY OVER TV]
Is that her?
My God. Nana?
[♪♪♪]
Okay. Wait a minute.
Are you telling me, my Nana's trapped inside a telenovela?
Apparently. Now, on the upside, looks like she's got a pretty good part.
KELLY: She's playing the part of Doña Fausta Obregon.
The wise matriarch of the Obregon Dynasty.
- Is this TV new? - No, she got it over a year ago.
And you said that the telenovela ended?
Yes, in mean, my nana was actually pretty upset about it.
You say that it was cancelled.
And yet it's still on TV.
[INDISTINCT DIALOGUE OVER TV]
- Nothing. KELLY: This is the series finale.
This is where Doña Fausta gets murdered.
Oh, my God. Does that mean my grandma--
- Wait, wait, wait... - No, no, no.
Just don't get too close.
[CAT MEOWING]
KELLY: No, Señor Cat!
[MEOWING CONTINUES]
- Or that might happen. - Mr. Gato.
Now at least we know how she got in there, right?
Now, okay, Kelly, your grandmother...
...has she bought anything strange or old or kind of, maybe, an antique?
No. I don't know.
Maybe. I'll go upstairs and check.
Uh, Kelly, listen...
- ...everything's gonna be okay. - I'm so glad you're here.
[KISSES]
[EXHALES]
[♪♪♪]
What?
No. No, no, no.
- No, no, no. - Oh, no. I'm not talking about that.
- She's married. - It's none of my business.
She's got a belly out. There's nothing--
- Can we go find some artefacts? - We'll find the artefacts.
STEVE: And, here we are.
- I love this car. - Ha-ha. Could you say that more often?
- Once every two minutes isn't enough. - No, seriously...
How many cars tell you where the campus is...
...the best parking spot, even which building we want.
Ah, but can it give me a good reason to actually go to college?
Kind of just seems like a waste of four years to me.
An education, a job, a career.
Got it, got it, and got it. And I didn't go to college.
I'm also not in debt for the rest of my life.
- Hey, I'll be paid up in the next five years. - Oh! In that case, sign me up.
Yes, you can do an expose' on Bill Clinton, if you want...
...but I'd say you're late to the party, okay?
- Professor Moulton. - Yes.
- Oh, Agent Jinks, I presume. - Thanks for meeting with us.
- This is my partner, Agent Donovan. - Nice to meet you.
CLAUDIA: You too. - The hospital didn't have...
...a medical explanation for what happened to Charlie.
We were hoping that you could fill us in.
Honestly, I don't have an explanation either.
Mr. Battes was giving a presentation on gonzo journalism.
About five minutes into it...
...this "shadow" was the only word to describe it...
...came flying in and slammed Charlie against the wall.
Then it was gone. Strangest thing I ever saw.
- Always is. - And such a shame.
He's a bit of a slacker...
...but this report was impressive, insightful even.
Couldn't have been that insightful.
The hospital said he had alcohol poisoning.
Impossible. I've had inebriated students.
Mr. Battes was stone-cold sober.
If you'll excuse me.
Well, yeah, but then, Señor Cat got to close...
...and, pizam!
Now he's on daytime TV.
The TV could be a conduit or a portal for the artefact.
Okay, but none of granny's tchotchkes are making any sparks.
- The artefact could be in there with her. PETE: Uh-oh.
KELLY: Pete.... - Oh!
- Abuela, no. - No, Kelly, don't!
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Holy poltergeist!
What? What was that light?
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] This house is not clean.
What? Speak English!
Artie, things just got cray-cray.
[♪♪♪]
[TELENOVELA THEME PLAYING]
WOMAN [IN SPANISH]: Maribel.
Maribel!
I keep finding feathers!
How many times have I told you?
Sorry, Ms. Obregon...
Sorry? Sorry? You're sloppy.
You can't cook or clean... you're useless!
That is not true!
I am a fantastic cook, in fact.
I just cooked Armando his favourite.
[GASPING]
Listen to me, bitch.
Don't even look at my fiancé, understand?
Armando may have been your little playmate when he was a stable boy...
...but he is now the CEO of Obregon, Inc. and you're still just a maid.
Keep your eyes to yourself before you end up like your mother.
[GASPING]
My mother is dead.
Don't ever speak of her again.
[ANIMAL GROWLING]
ARTIE: Hello, Pete?
PETE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm in here. - What's happening?
Well, I don't speak Spanish,
...but Myka is a super-hot maid who hates Kelly...
...and I'm waiting for this guy Armando who I'm hoping doesn't show up.
I really wanna see these two make out.
I meant, with the artefact.
Oh, right. Um.... There's nothing in the house.
But grandma got this in the mail yesterday...
- ...from the telenovela people. - What does it say?
I don't know, it's in Spanish.
Give it to me. I happen to read Spanish.
Dear Mrs. Hernandez, blah, blah, blah....
Really? "Blah, blah, blah"?
What is that Spanish for? "Blah, blah, blah"?
"For being such a huge fan...
...please accept this Obregon brooch that Doña Fausta wore in the show."
A brooch, as in, a fancy pin?
A brooch, as in, that.
[INAUDIBLE]
[♪♪♪]
PETE: Ooh, bling-bling.
Okay, dudes, this is Charlie's room.
Ugh! Another temple of higher learning.
Ugh! Kids today.
Kids today are your age.
Then they should have better taste.
So, Dan, would you say that Charlie was a studier or a partier?
Yeah, definitely.
Dude, he wants to study and party, obviously like everyone.
Uh-huh. So, when was the last time you saw him?
This morning. I don't know, around 6:30.
- Oh, right before Moulton's class? - I don't know how he got there.
Charlie partied hearty all night. I mean, I bailed at sunrise...
...he was still barfing off the side of the bridge.
Moulton said he was sober and insightful half an hour later.
Dude, try "barely walking."
[♪♪♪]
Okay, but how does a cheap TV prop become an artefact?
Probably was just a cheap TV prop until Kelly's grandmother got it.
Now, she's elderly, shut in, lost her husband.
Sometimes, people fill a void...
...with an obsessive attachment to a TV show.
Hey, I watch Breaking Amish because I like it, okay?
I can quit anytime.
When her telenovela was cancelled...
...maybe the brooch was imbued with her longing to escape.
Yeah, but if she can make a new artefact out of something we know nothing about...
...then how do we stop it?
By getting in there and neutralising it...
...before the episode ends and Hortencia dies.
Yeah, but Artie, then we could end up just like Myka and Kelly.
I mean, they're not just playing Maribel and Carmen...
...they are Maribel and Carmen.
[INDISTINCT DIALOGUE OVER TV]
ARTIE: These cufflinks once belonged to Harvey Korman...
- ...from The Carol Burnett Show. - Yeah.
He was famous for never being able to stay in character.
As long as you and I each hold one of these...
...we will stay ourselves.
- You ready? - Sure.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, Artie, next week can we go meet Honey Boo Boo?
Shut up and get in the TV.
[♪♪♪]
[IN SPANISH] It worked!
I am in the telenovela!
I am still myself.
I am speaking Spanish?!
Good morning. How are you? Where is the library?
[LAUGHING]
Holy enchilada!
I can speak Spanish!
Artie, I can speak... Spanish...
Ar-- Artie?!
Where is Artie?
Artie?
[♪♪♪]
Congrats.
Your Prius found their off-campus study group.
[CLAUDIA GROANS]
STEVE: This glass is on top of the dust.
This window must have been shattered recently, maybe this morning.
Well, Dan said Charlie was up there.
What, you think he fell from the bridge?
Yeah....
Oh, hey.
- Hmm. - Look at this.
Higher education at work.
Huh, our guy was a videographer.
BOY: Hey, Charlie, careful.
PPZ rules!
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Hash tag:
[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[WHOOPS THEN YELLS]
- Ooh! - Ouch.
- That had to hurt. - Claud, the way that he hit...
...that fits the impact that Professor Moulton described...
- ...when Charlie slammed into the wall. - Also explains his broken back.
I mean, the goober's lucky he's still alive.
This video was taken at 7:14 a.m., in the middle of Charlie's presentation.
So he was in two places at once?
Let's play that again, Sam.
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[WHOOPS THEN BODY THUDS]
That's Latin. It means "My candle burns."
Why would a college kid yell that?
"PPZ," that could be "Psi Phi Zeta."
And the Latin, that could be a fraternity motto.
Nice work, Jinksy. Wait, were you in a frat?
Oh, my God. You were in a frat.
I bet you were just like Hoover.
Think, Pete... Think!
Where would Artie go?
Maybe it depends on who Artie is?
Artie?
Wait...
...who the hell am I? KELLY: Armando!
[GASPS]
Of course!
I am Armando!
Look at me! Who else would I be?
Ay, Armando!
Kelly?
Kelly.
Excuse me?!
[YELLS]
Who is this "Kelly"?
No... I meant Carmen.
I am Armando. You are Carmen.
I am.
My love for you is so deep...
...that I am carrying your child...
...without a wedding ring.
But if I find out you are cheating on me...
...I will take a knife and cut off your...
My love!
You, and our child...
...are all that matter to me.
Oh, you're so wonderful!
Yeah, I remember that.
[GIGGLES]
Ready to go?
[STAMMERING]
Go? You mean go...
[PHONE BEEPING]
WOMAN [OVER SPEAKER]: Armando, Alicia is here.
...right now?
Don't tell me you forgot.
My mother is here to go look at silverware for the wedding.
What do you think?
Mother, how beautiful!
- Hello, my darling. - Hello, mother.
Hello, Armando.
Hello.
My love...
...I'm sorry, but I can't go.
I have to see Doña Fausta for... ...business
You don't care about our wedding?
No, no, no, no...
Of course I care, my love.
Fine. Just remember...
...if I find out you're cheating...
...I'll make you a soprano with one flick of my knife.
Come, mother.
Goodbye, Armando.
[♪♪♪]
I never met Charlie.
- So he isn't a pledge here? - I don't think so.
- Why are you lying to us, Biff? - It's Bryce, and I'm not.
Uh-huh, and what about this?
[SPEAKING IN LATIN]
STEVE: That's your frat motto, I believe. - Whatever.
Just because he knows our motto, doesn't mean he's pledging.
So you don't mind if we have a look around?
It depends what you're looking for.
[DRUNKENLY] Hey, pretty lady. What's up?
Ox. Damn it, Ox! Get back downstairs.
Look, my dad runs the biggest law firm in Minnesota.
I know my rights. Get a warrant.
- Nice guy. - Yep.
College sure is impressive.
STEVE: Claud, look. Isn't that Ox?
Yeah, Ox just went back downstairs.
[♪♪♪]
I wanna see what's down there. Come on.
ALL [CHANTING]: Chug, chug, chug.
[BELCHING]
Methinks these frat losers have a duplication artefact.
- Splits you in two. ALL: Chug, chug, chug.
The you that party's hard, and the you that works hard.
[CHANTING CONTINUES]
[ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
[DRUNKENLY] Uhn. Dude, I think I'm gonna puke.
[VOMITING]
[♪♪♪]
Doña Fausta?
Doña Fausta?!
It's me, Armando!
[GUN FIRES THEN WOMAN SCREAMING]
PETE: Doña Fausta!
[GASPS]
Doña Fausta, I'll help you!
Oh.
Doña Fausta...
Where is your brooch?
The thief... he took it!
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
[TELENOVELA THEME PLAYING]
Grandmother!
Are you okay?
It's just a flesh wound.
But at her age, we must be careful.
Who would do this?
A cowardly thief. They took her jewelry.
It's the second attempt on her life!
Somebody is behind this.
It could be a business adversary.
I'll hire a P.I. and bodyguards.
My girls, listen to me.
This wasn't just a robbery...
...this was about my long lost son, Rafael.
- My husband?! - My father?!
- My who? - My son!
Colonel Rafael Obregon.
Have you forgotten the man who raised you as his own...
...until he disappeared and I made you CEO of this company?
Of course not!
The Colonel?!
Why do you think this is about him?
Because I received an anonymous note...
...from someone claiming to have information about Rafael.
It had an address and a meeting time.
Where is the note now?
The thief knew enough to steal it out of my hand.
ALL: Ah....
So he took the brooch and jewels...
...to make it look like a robbery. - So we wouldn't look for Rafael.
PETE: Doña Fausta...
Where did you find the note?
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Ah....
Maribel...
- What did you say? - What?
Nothing, nothing...
- I must go. - You can't just leave me now.
You're acting very strangely.
I must!
I promise to find the thief.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE]
Okay, we blend in, we hit the basement, we bag the artefact.
Great plan, except that Bryce will recognise our faces.
Oh, don't worry. He won't be looking at our faces.
- Ha. - Mm-hm.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
BOY: Wow!
Nice work, ladies. Take five.
All right, frat boy, what kind of heathen initiation ritual...
...am I about to walk into here?
I don't know. My frat wasn't like this.
We had book club and yuletide a cappella.
Please forget that I said that.
Oh, my God, it just gets better.
- I say, we follow him. - Oh, yeah.
Don't start without me.
[PEOPLE CHANTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Okay, they're not doing yuletide a capella.
Myka?
Mykes!
Myka! Are you in here?
What are you doing here, traitor?
Myka, stop! It's Pete!
- I'm here to save you! - Save me from you, Armando?!
Liar!!
Enough, Maribel!
Why are you hitting me?
Because you lied.
You told me you would always love me...
...and now you are marrying that whore, Carmen!
I can explain...
...but first, what do you know about Colonel Obregon?
You left that note for Doña Fausta!
I won't tell you anything. After all I've suffered for you!
I've suffered too, Maribel.
Then prove it to me!
We've been through so much together.
Whatever happens, I will never stop loving you.
[SIGHS THEN GASPS]
I've waited so long for you!
Okay, don't do that.
Ay-yi-yi-yi!
- And definitely don't do that! - Why not?
Because... there's no time!
Yes, no time!
We have to find The Colonel and save Doña Fausta!
Let's go!
So, can your twin peaks get us in there?
These are only one of my many super powers.
BOY: Wait. Guys, wait. - Watch this.
[GIGGLING]
Oh, my God, I am so drunk.
You gotta help me.
[ZAPPING THEN BOY GRUNTS]
[PEOPLE CHANTING]
[BODY THUDS]
You're up, plebe.
[ALL CHANTING]
[OTHERS STOP SPEAKING EXCEPT STEVE]
BRYCE: My candle burns at both ends.
ALL: It will not last the night.
But oh, my foes, and oh, my friends--
ALL: It gives a lovely light. Psi Phi zeta, burn.
Psi Phi zeta, write. Psi Phi zeta, learn. Psi Phi zeta, all night.
Hey, what the hell is that, man?
[♪♪♪]
You again.
Bryce, you have no idea how dangerous that is.
- You gotta give me that candle. - This guy's an ATF agent. Uhn!
[SCREAMS]
[ALL YELLING]
Steve? What happened? Did you get the artefact?
- Was that you screaming? - Oh, honey, I didn't scream.
It was that silly bitch.
Oh, grow up.
[♪♪♪]
- Thank you, Carlos. - Yes, beautiful.
Myka! Thank God. Pete!
- Artie?! Finally! - Pete!
What took you so long?!
PETE: Delicious drama.
- So... - Yes?
- You are Colonel Rafael Obregon. - What?
Armando, what are you saying? Of course it's him!
Yes.
Pete? Idiot, get me out!
Somebody stole the artefact to hide The Colonel.
Whoever put you here has the artefact!
And you think I know who it is?
Not you, "Artie"...
...you, "The Colonel"!
ARTIE: Of course!
The cufflinks keep us from knowing what our characters know.
[ARTIE LAUGHS]
I have to give you my cufflink!
What are you talking about?!
Trust me, Maribel.
All right!
- Pay attention! - I promise.
Pay attention.
[♪♪♪]
[VOICES YELL IN SPANISH]
Colonel? Colonel Obregon?
Can you hear me?
Bastard.
Ay!
[♪♪♪]
Stop it, Colonel!
Take the cufflink!
You put me in here, Armando!
Colonel, please!
Take the cufflink!
After all I did for you?!
You ungrateful son of a bitch!
Who told you I did this?
[PETE PANTING]
Who?
Alicia told me.
Alicia?
Yes, Alicia.
The only one who visited me...
...and truly loves me!
Bastard!
[GRUNTING]
Pick up the cufflink!
[♪♪♪]
[VOICES YELL IN SPANISH]
PETE: Colonel, stop!
[♪♪♪]
[VOICES YELL IN SPANISH]
Artie, what are you doing?!
[COUGHING]
Maribel...
Maribel?
Who? Me?
Am I speaking Spanish?
Maribel.
Why do you keep calling me that?
I have waited ten years to see you.
You're not Artie and I must be Maribel.
And you are also...
...my daughter.
I am?
Of course I am.
I fell in love with your mother, my mother's maid.
Then you were born. I always loved you.
You are my only daughter, but...
...I was too cowardly to admit it.
That's really sweet.
But someone has to tell me what's happening.
What?
[♪♪♪]
[VOICES YELL IN SPANISH]
Hmm?
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE]
Two Steves? Can I just say, this is amazeballs!
Actually, it's not.
A dangerous artefact is bad enough, but this....
This is rampant underage drinking.
Oh, boo-hoo, Nancy Drew.
- We should call the police. - Unbunch your panties, will you?
I mean, check out our bestie.
The girls are out and they are looking fabulous.
- It's a party. You need to relax. - No, I don't.
- You son of a bitch. - You irresponsible slut.
Steves, mmm, loving you both. You a little bit more.
But let's just split up and find Bryce, okay?
First one to zap a frat boy gets to keep him. Ha.
Oh-ho, man.
Ha-ha-ha. Actually, this is my badge, where's Bryce?
Do you parents know that you are here?
Bryce. Look at my lips. Bryce.
I'm looking for Bryce. Do you know him?
Hey, let me see your driver's licence.
My eyes are up here. Bryce.
Plucked brow, clean back of the neck, flawless cuticle.
- You're gay. - No, I'm not.
You're lying.
♪ Take me tonight Take me away ♪
BOY: Bryce. Hey, Bryce!
Steves.
Come on, you silly twit!
[SQUEALS]
Could a girl get a hand?
♪ Feeling goosebumps on my skin Doesn't mean I feel-- ♪♪
Pete said you had answers!
- Not me, The Colonel. - Then give him the cufflink!
- Really? - Yes!
[CHATTERING IN SPANISH]
[♪♪♪]
[VOICES YELL IN SPANISH]
Bastard!
Myka!
That's enough!
[COUGHING]
I didn't put you here, Colonel!
Then who was it?
It was Alicia!
- No. - Yes.
- No! - Yes!
She knew where you were and never told any of us.
Alicia.
Then...
...that's why she came.
To keep me hidden.
She let you think I vanished in the Amazon!
But why would she do that?
[♪♪♪]
Because...
...I know her secret.
[BOTH GRUNT]
Grr, I love it when I'm butch.
BRYCE: No, no, wait, listen. I'm innocent. I didn't do it.
Do what, Biff? Use an artefact to duplicate your frat brothers?
Is that a candle in your pocket or are you just really into twins?
Tell me about the candle, Bryce.
Okay, it belonged to Edna St. Vincent Millay, all right?
Of course, "My candle burns at both ends, It will not last the night."
- OMG, what rhymes with bore me? - Please don't call my dad.
Okay, let's finish this.
Oh, no, no. I'm just getting started.
Damn it.
- Your evil twin sister's got the candle. - Whee!
- Alicia! - Dad?
Carmen!
Dad! When did you return?
I actually never left, child.
PETE: Where is your mother?
What is she doing here?
Yes, yes... Carmen...
...I have some difficult news.
Your mother had an affair.
She kept it secret, but...
...you are not the Colonel's daughter.
[♪♪♪]
[VOICES YELL IN SPANISH]
Good Lord, woman!
It is not your fault, Carmen.
But your mom tried to kill Doña Fausta for your inheritance.
Shut your mouth, tramp!
- Is it true, my darling? - No, it's not true!
Don't you see? She's trying to poison our love!
Actually, I'm afraid it is true.
[GRUNTS]
Armando, please help me.
No, I will not!
Bastard!
I should've known.
Mother warned me you'd find out...
...no matter how well we hid The Colonel.
She knew you'd go back to this trashy tart!
Well, now you can die together.
And you, Armando...
...before I kill you, I want you to know...
...this isn't even your baby!!
Like mother...
...like daughter.
Not so fast!
PETE: A secret door!
I should have done this...
...a long time ago.
- Artie! - Colonel!
[LAUGHING]
ALICIA: I should kill you all!
Carmen!
Colonel, I'm sorry!
I failed you!
You're the only father I ever had!
Armando, give me your belt!
But, it's Prada.
You're a diva in any reality!
Carmen, let's go! Now!
Go after Alicia. Bag the brooch and get us out of here!
But where is she going?
To kill Doña Fausta...
...before she learns the truth and removes them from her will.
Father! Father...
Take Casanova here. Leave me.
- Hey, idiot. - Yes?
Do this.
[♪♪♪]
[VOICES YELL IN SPANISH]
[GRUNTS]
Bastar-- Oh, it's okay.
What the hell happened, Myka?
I'll tell you on the way.
What was that noise? It sounded like gunfire.
No, there was no gunfire. Your nerves are on end.
Take these pills the doctor gave me for you.
Carmen, water!
I wish Armando was here.
- Don't take those pills! - Back away from her, Alicia!
What is the meaning of this?
Alicia is trying to kill you.
She cheated on The Colonel... ...and Carmen...
...is not your legitimate granddaughter.
You miserable bastard!
That isn't true!
Where is the diamond brooch, Alicia?
The one you stole from Doña Fausta?
I don't know. Maybe you stole it!
After all, you've always felt entitled to the family fortune.
Because she is the only true daughter of The Colonel...
...with your dead maid, Maria.
Ignore them, grandmother!
The Colonel!
Rafael!
My son!
Mother! It is true, mother! Everything they said...
...Armando...
...and Maribel...
...is true!
[ARTIE GRUNTS]
[LAUGHING]
[CRYING OUT IN SPANISH]
ALL [CHANTING]: Chug, chug, chug.
Enough! Give me the artefact.
- Come and get it, Lady Poopy Pants. ALL: Ooh!
ALL: Twin fight, twin fight, twin fight.
You are a prude and a nag.
You're a self-obsessed slut.
You are the worst gay guy, ever.
Ow!
[♪♪♪]
What I'll say is...
...they were killed while robbing my Grandmother.
Carmen, don't do this.
[SHRIEKS]
[GROANING]
Carmen...
Your real father is a kickboxer.
[♪♪♪]
[VOICES YELL IN SPANISH]
[♪♪♪]
For your information...
...I always spit in your food!
Whoa.
ARTIE: What is this? - Doña Fausta!
ALL: Twin fight, twin fight.
You're gonna die a lonely, old hag.
That's better than a whore in a gutter.
Well, sounds good to me.
ALL: Twin fight, twin fight.
No way, secret agent girl.
I would have done well in school.
ALL: Twin fight, twin fight.
Argh, curses!
How do I fix this? Argh!
Okay, think, think, think. How did it stop before?
Charlie fell of a building, Ox just passed out....
[GROANS]
[CHANTING CONTINUES]
Hey, Steve.
- Claudia. - Doll face.
- WTF? - Sorry, sweetie, you were really fun.
See you around sometime.
[GRUNTS]
[CROWD GASPING AND CHATTERING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
- Are you okay? - I think I'm gonna throw up.
Oh, not on these shoes.
Doña Fausta! You evil woman!
You son of a bitch!
[GRUNTS]
PETE: Ooh.
Big melons.
[GRUNTING]
Sleepy time.
[KELLY CACKLING]
[YELLING]
[♪♪♪]
[VOICES YELL IN SPANISH]
[COUGHING]
- Doña Fausta! - My God!
No!
I'm okay.
[BOTH SIGHING DEEPLY]
[♪♪♪]
Armando, my love!
Maribel, my life.
That hurts.
The brooch.
I've waited so long.
I'll never stop loving you.
Stop! You cannot kiss her!
- Maria! - Mother?
I thought you were dead.
Everyone thought I was dead.
But you can't kiss him.
Why not?
Because...
...he is your brother!
- Eh? - Ay!
Oy.
- So, any residual effects? - Besides the bruises, the hangover...
...and your relentless nagging me to call everyone I see a "biatch"?
- Say it again. - No, stop that!
Ha-ha-ha. Well, on the upside, I think I've come up...
...with, like, ten new things to try on Claire next, so....
Wait for it, you were right.
Fixing her is gonna be a marathon.
I needed a break, and I needed to pace myself.
Oh, and Steve, I will never let you die a lonely, old hag.
Thanks, biatch.
[GASPS]
Shanté, you stay.
[♪♪♪]
- Hey! - Hey!
- Uh, Artie took off. - Okay.
- That was weird, right? - Weird artefact weirdiness.
- Let's never talk about it again. - Talk about what?
[BOTH LAUGH]
You know, I'm just gonna wait for you outside.
Okay.
- Hey. - Hey.
So, how's, uh, abuelita?
Oh, she'll be fine.
I'm gonna spend a couple of days with her to make sure she's okay.
But she's already crazy about a new telenovela.
Burning Love.
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
- Ah. - Mm-hm.
Well, she's lucky to have you.
I'm lucky I knew you.
- Right, here we go. - Well, it was great seeing you.
PETE: Enough weirdness for one day. - Yeah.
Thanks for everything and, uh, you know....
Seriously, good luck, okay?
And sorry it didn't work out between us.
Oh, Pete, please, we both know it wouldn't have worked.
Ha-ha. Why do you say that?
Because you're in love with Myka.
[♪♪♪]
[CAR HONKING]
MYKA: Pete, let's go.
[♪♪♪]
What have you done? I thought this was settled.
- What did you do? - What? Calm down.
- What are you talking about? - You know.
- What did you do with Claire? - Nothing. Why?
What happened? Where's Claire?
She's gone. Someone took her.
[♪♪♪]