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00:00:22,587 --> 00:00:25,922
[KATY PERRY'S "HOT N COLD"
PLAYING]
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00:00:25,922 --> 00:00:28,976
# You change your mind #
3
00:00:28,976 --> 00:00:32,796
# Like a girl changes clothes #
4
00:00:32,796 --> 00:00:36,199
# Yeah, you PMS #
5
00:00:36,199 --> 00:00:38,118
# Like a bitch #
6
00:00:38,118 --> 00:00:40,203
# I would know #
7
00:00:40,203 --> 00:00:43,706
# And you over-think #
8
00:00:43,706 --> 00:00:47,210
# Always speak cryptically #
9
00:00:47,210 --> 00:00:49,179
# I should know #
10
00:00:49,179 --> 00:00:53,907
# That you're
no good for me #
11
00:00:54,535 --> 00:00:56,636
# Because you're hot
Then you're cold #
12
00:00:56,636 --> 00:00:58,505
# You're yes
Then you're no #
13
00:00:58,505 --> 00:01:00,307
# You're in
Then you're out #
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00:01:00,307 --> 00:01:02,176
# You're up
Then you're down #
15
00:01:02,176 --> 00:01:03,944
# You're wrong
When it's right #
16
00:01:03,944 --> 00:01:05,745
# It's black
And it's white #
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00:01:05,745 --> 00:01:07,681
# We fight, we break up #
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# We kiss, we make up #
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Are you alert?
20
00:01:11,835 --> 00:01:14,104
Okay, well tell them...
21
00:01:14,104 --> 00:01:16,940
# But you don't really
Want to go #
22
00:01:16,940 --> 00:01:17,690
No.
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# You're yes
Then you're no #
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# You're in
Then you're out #
25
00:01:22,963 --> 00:01:26,199
I'll be there in about
15 minutes, so stop arguing.
26
00:01:26,199 --> 00:01:29,068
Okay, thanks. Bye.
27
00:01:29,068 --> 00:01:30,871
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
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# We used to be #
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# Just like twins
So in synch #
30
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Morning, Freddy.
FREDDY: Morning, Abby.
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00:01:39,062 --> 00:01:42,365
You look awfully pretty today.
Oh, is it that bad in there?
32
00:01:42,365 --> 00:01:44,501
Good morning. We got problems.
- Morning.
33
00:01:44,501 --> 00:01:46,636
There are no problems, Joy,
only solutions.
34
00:01:46,636 --> 00:01:47,871
The traffic camera is down
35
00:01:47,871 --> 00:01:50,373
and we have no B-roll
for our traffic segment.
36
00:01:50,373 --> 00:01:51,675
That is a problem.
- Yeah.
37
00:01:51,675 --> 00:01:52,776
Call Matt at Media Lab.
38
00:01:52,776 --> 00:01:54,377
He's got some Skycams
and he owes me.
39
00:01:54,377 --> 00:01:56,280
Where are all my weathermen?
- Right here.
40
00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:57,614
MAN: Hey.
- Hello.
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00:01:57,614 --> 00:01:59,983
Thank you all for coming.
You guys look great.
42
00:01:59,983 --> 00:02:01,718
Thanks for being here. Good.
43
00:02:01,718 --> 00:02:03,753
Is there a reason
they're all overweight?
44
00:02:03,753 --> 00:02:05,122
If they get
the forecast wrong,
45
00:02:05,122 --> 00:02:06,824
research shows people
are more willing
46
00:02:06,824 --> 00:02:07,858
to forgive a fat guy.
47
00:02:07,858 --> 00:02:09,193
Abby, I hate to do this to you,
48
00:02:09,193 --> 00:02:11,328
but I don't think that
I can work with her anymore.
49
00:02:11,328 --> 00:02:13,530
It's bad enough I have
to take her criticism at home.
50
00:02:13,530 --> 00:02:14,865
I'm not gonna
do it on the air.
51
00:02:14,865 --> 00:02:18,168
A man can only endure so much.
- Larry, you are not a man,
52
00:02:18,168 --> 00:02:20,037
you are a newsman.
53
00:02:20,037 --> 00:02:22,272
And newsmen are not defined
by the easy times,
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00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:24,574
they're defined
by the hard times.
55
00:02:24,574 --> 00:02:27,244
Can you imagine
Ted Koppel or Tom Brokaw
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00:02:27,244 --> 00:02:29,779
working with their
wives as co-anchors? No.
57
00:02:29,779 --> 00:02:31,548
Because they
couldn't handle it.
58
00:02:31,548 --> 00:02:34,151
But you.
You, my friend,
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00:02:34,151 --> 00:02:35,752
have balls the size
of Volkswagens.
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00:02:35,752 --> 00:02:37,321
Don't think
I haven't noticed.
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00:02:37,321 --> 00:02:39,356
I only thought of them
as blue of late.
62
00:02:39,356 --> 00:02:41,458
But you're right.
They're quite sizeable.
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00:02:41,458 --> 00:02:42,893
But not disproportionately
so,
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00:02:42,893 --> 00:02:45,162
I like to think of them
as aesthetically pleasing.
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00:02:45,162 --> 00:02:46,864
Yeah, I think
I made my point.
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00:02:46,864 --> 00:02:49,266
Are you kidding me right now?
- Josh, nobody in Sacramento
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00:02:49,266 --> 00:02:50,934
gives a crap about
the extinction rate
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00:02:50,934 --> 00:02:53,036
of the Brazilian slug worm.
It's not newsworthy.
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00:02:53,036 --> 00:02:55,305
All right. But knowing which
celebutante is in rehab
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00:02:55,305 --> 00:02:56,406
is of vital importance?
71
00:02:56,406 --> 00:02:58,175
You know, the sound
of your voice makes--
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00:02:58,175 --> 00:02:59,676
Okay. He is trying to kill me.
73
00:02:59,676 --> 00:03:01,644
He knows I can't eat crab.
- It's Crab Rangoon.
74
00:03:01,644 --> 00:03:03,513
Who doesn't eat Crab Rangoon?
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00:03:03,513 --> 00:03:06,083
Oh, my God. Does anybody
see this? Is that a hive?
76
00:03:06,083 --> 00:03:07,584
JOSH:
Looks like syphilis to me.
77
00:03:07,584 --> 00:03:09,936
DORI: You wouldn't know
what syphilis looks like
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00:03:09,936 --> 00:03:12,306
if it weren't for my story
on hot celebrity STDs.
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00:03:12,306 --> 00:03:14,541
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
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00:03:14,541 --> 00:03:16,860
MAN: Stand by to go to three.
ROCCO: Yeah, so some--
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00:03:16,860 --> 00:03:19,045
Cacciatore gets mushrooms,
garlic. Exactly.
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00:03:19,045 --> 00:03:21,147
Yeah. Put the mushrooms in.
GEORGIA: All right.
83
00:03:21,147 --> 00:03:23,216
ROCCO: And whatever amount
of garlic you want.
84
00:03:23,216 --> 00:03:25,385
LARRY: Really?
ROCCO: Can't have enough garlic.
85
00:03:25,385 --> 00:03:26,619
GEORGIA:
You can.
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00:03:26,619 --> 00:03:28,438
LARRY: I certainly can.
Do it every night.
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00:03:28,438 --> 00:03:30,023
ROCCO: I got a nice,
big spoon for you.
88
00:03:30,023 --> 00:03:31,658
GEORGIA:
Excellent. Thanks.
89
00:03:31,658 --> 00:03:34,127
Here you go.
- Mm.
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00:03:34,127 --> 00:03:35,963
Mm!
- That good?
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00:03:35,963 --> 00:03:37,331
I have to say, Rocco,
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00:03:37,331 --> 00:03:39,632
this is the best chicken
cacciatore I've ever tasted.
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00:03:39,632 --> 00:03:42,753
I knew you'd like it.
It's duck cacciatore, actually.
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00:03:42,753 --> 00:03:44,888
CLIFF: Oh, no.
- Did he just say "duck"?
95
00:03:44,888 --> 00:03:47,357
And it's a great
alternative to chicken.
96
00:03:47,357 --> 00:03:49,560
It kind of tastes
just like chicken, right?
97
00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:51,728
Mm-hm.
- Duck, like "quack, quack" duck?
98
00:03:51,728 --> 00:03:53,814
Get ready to an early break.
Yeah.
99
00:03:53,814 --> 00:03:54,631
Whoa, duck.
- Yeah.
100
00:03:54,631 --> 00:03:56,099
Man, we're a
chicken household.
101
00:03:56,099 --> 00:03:57,935
[LAUGHS]
We really are.
102
00:03:57,935 --> 00:04:00,437
Tell Larry to throw it to Javier
while she pulls it together.
103
00:04:00,437 --> 00:04:01,755
Or is it okay?
104
00:04:01,755 --> 00:04:04,608
It's good.
Javier, do you like it?
105
00:04:04,608 --> 00:04:05,358
Mm.
106
00:04:06,210 --> 00:04:08,362
Can I take home
the leftovers?
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00:04:08,362 --> 00:04:10,329
You sure you don't want
any leftovers?
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00:04:10,329 --> 00:04:12,416
When we return,
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00:04:12,416 --> 00:04:14,200
our Skycam traffic update.
- Okay.
110
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:16,136
And guess who's
in rehab this week.
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00:04:16,136 --> 00:04:18,671
CLIFF: Stand by to roll break.
Also, how you too can adopt
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00:04:18,671 --> 00:04:20,974
your very own slug worm,
when we come back.
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00:04:20,974 --> 00:04:22,326
Roll your break.
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00:04:22,326 --> 00:04:24,227
ROCCO: How about salt?
Salt make it better?
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00:04:24,227 --> 00:04:25,762
[MUTTERING]
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00:04:27,265 --> 00:04:28,765
I don't know how you do it.
117
00:04:28,765 --> 00:04:30,933
It's just a matter of looking
chaos right in the eye
118
00:04:30,933 --> 00:04:32,669
and telling it to eff off.
119
00:04:32,669 --> 00:04:34,688
You guys did great.
Thank you.
120
00:04:34,688 --> 00:04:36,973
I think it's time for a new chef
on this show. I do.
121
00:04:36,973 --> 00:04:38,775
Now, come on.
Rocco's been with us--
122
00:04:38,775 --> 00:04:40,611
Abby?
It's this upsetting?
123
00:04:40,611 --> 00:04:42,746
Hey, Stuart wants to see you.
He's freaking out.
124
00:04:42,746 --> 00:04:46,016
Oh, he got the ratings.
125
00:04:47,368 --> 00:04:49,936
Want some?
Yeah, give me that.
126
00:04:54,208 --> 00:04:56,576
Have you seen the ratings
from yesterday?
127
00:04:56,576 --> 00:04:58,678
We got beat by all
the network shows,
128
00:04:58,678 --> 00:05:00,480
including a rerun of
Who's the Boss?
129
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:02,415
The one where
the vacuum breaks.
130
00:05:02,415 --> 00:05:04,150
It's just a temporary setback,
Stuart.
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00:05:04,150 --> 00:05:05,752
Things will be better
tomorrow.
132
00:05:05,752 --> 00:05:08,688
You know that guy
with the cable-access show
133
00:05:08,688 --> 00:05:11,224
on Channel 83 does better.
134
00:05:11,224 --> 00:05:13,593
If we program
Jerry Springer reruns,
135
00:05:13,593 --> 00:05:16,680
we'd do a nine-share
at a quarter of the price.
136
00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:17,580
Please don't tell me
137
00:05:17,580 --> 00:05:19,349
you're thinking
of killing the show.
138
00:05:19,349 --> 00:05:21,885
We're not a family-run station
anymore, Abby.
139
00:05:21,885 --> 00:05:24,754
I mean, I love you.
You're great at what you do.
140
00:05:24,754 --> 00:05:26,406
But you gotta
get me some numbers.
141
00:05:26,406 --> 00:05:29,392
I got two daughters in college
and a son in beauty school.
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00:05:29,392 --> 00:05:31,961
I don't know how much
you know about Vidal Sassoon,
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00:05:31,961 --> 00:05:33,330
but that shit ain't cheap.
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00:05:33,330 --> 00:05:34,547
[SIGHS]
145
00:05:34,547 --> 00:05:37,284
I can rally. I will rally.
146
00:05:37,284 --> 00:05:40,170
You do rally.
Every day, Abby.
147
00:05:40,170 --> 00:05:42,038
But that's
what worries me.
148
00:05:42,038 --> 00:05:43,957
That even you
won't be enough.
149
00:05:43,957 --> 00:05:46,677
I should not be letting
corporate management
150
00:05:46,677 --> 00:05:49,245
dictate the content
of this show. It's my show.
151
00:05:49,245 --> 00:05:52,916
I control it.
I should skip the date tonight.
152
00:05:52,916 --> 00:05:55,018
Stay home,
think up some ideas for sweeps.
153
00:05:55,018 --> 00:05:56,920
Absolutely not, Abby.
154
00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,556
You should be out there
observing humanity.
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00:05:59,556 --> 00:06:01,758
Humanity is who watches
our show.
156
00:06:01,758 --> 00:06:03,593
Yeah.
All 2.47 percent of them.
157
00:06:03,593 --> 00:06:06,730
You have rescheduled
on this guy three times.
158
00:06:06,730 --> 00:06:08,799
You cancel on him tonight
and he's gone.
159
00:06:08,799 --> 00:06:10,701
Look at this bone structure.
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00:06:10,701 --> 00:06:13,570
This could be the bone structure
of your future children.
161
00:06:13,570 --> 00:06:15,371
Don't you want them
to be symmetrical?
162
00:06:15,371 --> 00:06:17,174
You printed out his profile?
163
00:06:17,174 --> 00:06:18,809
What? These have
not been touched
164
00:06:18,809 --> 00:06:20,177
in quite some time.
165
00:06:20,177 --> 00:06:22,445
I have to live vicariously
through your dating life.
166
00:06:22,445 --> 00:06:25,015
And I really think that this
could be our next boyfriend.
167
00:06:26,534 --> 00:06:28,034
Hi.
- Hello.
168
00:06:28,034 --> 00:06:30,871
I'm looking for a guy
with sandy brown hair,
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00:06:30,871 --> 00:06:33,039
athletic build, blue eyes.
He's 5'9".
170
00:06:33,039 --> 00:06:34,941
Which I know you're thinking
is a little short,
171
00:06:34,941 --> 00:06:36,609
but he's read
The Great Gatsby twice--
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00:06:36,609 --> 00:06:38,244
Well, technically
I'm 5'8" and a half,
173
00:06:38,244 --> 00:06:40,413
but I could read
The Great Gatsby
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00:06:40,413 --> 00:06:42,081
again if it makes
it any better.
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00:06:43,985 --> 00:06:46,319
WAITER: Hi. Can I get some water
for the table?
176
00:06:46,319 --> 00:06:48,087
Uh, yeah, a bottle
of flat water, please?
177
00:06:48,087 --> 00:06:49,322
Sure.
Thank you.
178
00:06:49,322 --> 00:06:51,090
Um, just one second.
I'm sorry.
179
00:06:51,090 --> 00:06:53,726
Did you know they've done
studies that show
180
00:06:53,726 --> 00:06:56,446
tap water and bottled water
are basically the same thing.
181
00:06:56,446 --> 00:06:58,615
And they recently passed
a law where restaurants
182
00:06:58,615 --> 00:07:01,150
have to filter their tap water,
so it's not really tap water,
183
00:07:01,150 --> 00:07:02,886
it's filtered water,
which is the same
184
00:07:02,886 --> 00:07:05,088
except you don't have to pay
$7 for it. Right?
185
00:07:05,088 --> 00:07:07,440
I like the way
it tastes better anyway.
186
00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:09,960
Can I get a Scotch on the rocks,
please? Thank you.
187
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:11,610
Oh, yeah.
188
00:07:11,610 --> 00:07:14,631
Huh. I thought, uh--
189
00:07:14,631 --> 00:07:17,167
I thought in your profile
it said you, uh--
190
00:07:17,167 --> 00:07:18,335
You like to drink red wine.
191
00:07:20,704 --> 00:07:22,856
You printed out my profile?
192
00:07:22,856 --> 00:07:24,507
Actually,
my associate producer did.
193
00:07:24,507 --> 00:07:26,475
She doesn't like me
to not be prepared.
194
00:07:26,475 --> 00:07:29,045
Not that I'm ever not prepared.
Kudos, by the way,
195
00:07:29,045 --> 00:07:31,064
on your comprehensive
car insurance plan.
196
00:07:31,064 --> 00:07:32,783
That wasn't in my profile.
197
00:07:32,783 --> 00:07:35,201
No, but it's in your
background check.
198
00:07:35,201 --> 00:07:38,571
So, ahem,
tell me about yourself.
199
00:07:38,571 --> 00:07:39,939
Well, what's
left to talk about
200
00:07:39,939 --> 00:07:41,491
that you don't already know,
right?
201
00:07:41,491 --> 00:07:43,726
Ah. Good point.
Ha-ha.
202
00:07:45,296 --> 00:07:47,297
All right,
well, you know,
203
00:07:47,297 --> 00:07:50,600
I actually took the liberty
of printing out
204
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:53,637
some talking points
in case this happened.
205
00:07:53,637 --> 00:07:55,589
I take it this
has happened before?
206
00:07:55,589 --> 00:07:57,941
No. No. But you have
nine out of 10
207
00:07:57,941 --> 00:08:00,310
of the necessary attributes
on my checklist.
208
00:08:00,310 --> 00:08:02,562
Oh, dear God. Okay.
209
00:08:02,562 --> 00:08:05,849
Oh, this is a good one.
Let's start with three, okay?
210
00:08:05,849 --> 00:08:06,599
[#]
211
00:08:21,666 --> 00:08:24,100
[CAT MEOWS]
212
00:08:24,100 --> 00:08:26,069
Don't ask.
213
00:08:26,069 --> 00:08:27,704
[PURRING]
214
00:08:33,060 --> 00:08:33,900
[SIGHS]
215
00:08:36,047 --> 00:08:37,564
More on this story
when we come back.
216
00:08:37,564 --> 00:08:39,883
We'll hear from a zoo official
now forced to take--
217
00:08:39,883 --> 00:08:41,885
MAN: And we're back with
The Ugly Truth,
218
00:08:41,885 --> 00:08:43,670
where tonight
we're gonna be talking about
219
00:08:43,670 --> 00:08:47,724
what it is men and women
really want in relationships.
220
00:08:47,724 --> 00:08:49,476
I've been looking through
some books.
221
00:08:49,476 --> 00:08:52,729
Smart Women,
Foolish Choices. Ehh!
222
00:08:52,729 --> 00:08:56,166
Men Who Love Women
Who Hate Them. Ehh!
223
00:08:56,166 --> 00:08:58,685
And Women Hating Men
Who Loved Women
224
00:08:58,685 --> 00:09:01,404
Who Hate Loving Men. Huh?
225
00:09:01,404 --> 00:09:06,877
Billions and billions wasted
on psychobabble bullshit.
226
00:09:06,877 --> 00:09:09,429
Now, listen up, ladies, because
I'm only gonna say this once
227
00:09:09,429 --> 00:09:12,632
and it is just
three little words.
228
00:09:12,632 --> 00:09:13,633
[CHUCKLES]
229
00:09:13,633 --> 00:09:17,036
Men are simple.
230
00:09:17,036 --> 00:09:18,237
We cannot be trained.
231
00:09:18,237 --> 00:09:21,675
All this
"Men are from Venus" crap
232
00:09:21,675 --> 00:09:24,511
is a waste of your time
and money.
233
00:09:24,511 --> 00:09:27,113
You wanna be a lonely hag,
then that's fine,
234
00:09:27,113 --> 00:09:28,914
keep reading
these stupid books.
235
00:09:28,914 --> 00:09:33,270
But you want a relationship,
then here's how you get one:
236
00:09:33,270 --> 00:09:35,354
It's called a Stairmaster.
237
00:09:35,354 --> 00:09:37,706
Get on it, and get skinny,
238
00:09:37,706 --> 00:09:40,443
and get some trashy lingerie
while you're at it,
239
00:09:40,443 --> 00:09:41,761
because at the end of the day,
240
00:09:41,761 --> 00:09:43,646
all we're interested
in is looks.
241
00:09:43,646 --> 00:09:45,614
And no one falls in love
with your personality
242
00:09:45,614 --> 00:09:47,117
at first sight.
243
00:09:47,117 --> 00:09:50,053
We fall in love
with your tits and your ass,
244
00:09:50,053 --> 00:09:52,255
and we stick around because
of what you're willing
245
00:09:52,255 --> 00:09:54,023
to do with them.
246
00:09:54,023 --> 00:09:57,193
So you wanna win a man over,
you don't need 10 steps,
247
00:09:57,193 --> 00:10:00,763
you need one,
and it's called a blowjob.
248
00:10:00,763 --> 00:10:02,265
And don't forget to...
249
00:10:04,802 --> 00:10:06,569
[SCOFFS]
250
00:10:06,569 --> 00:10:09,239
Okay? Now, let's
take the first caller.
251
00:10:09,239 --> 00:10:10,774
WOMAN:
How dare you burn those books.
252
00:10:10,774 --> 00:10:13,092
They've helped my personal life
more than I can say.
253
00:10:13,092 --> 00:10:15,628
What's your boyfriend's name,
princess?
254
00:10:15,628 --> 00:10:17,847
WOMAN:
Well, I'm not seeing anyone right now.
255
00:10:17,847 --> 00:10:20,650
My point exactly, Shrek.
Next caller.
256
00:10:20,650 --> 00:10:22,251
You're on the air.
257
00:10:22,251 --> 00:10:26,289
So you're saying that men
are incapable of love?
258
00:10:26,289 --> 00:10:28,808
Oh, did I burst your little
harlequin romance bubble?
259
00:10:28,808 --> 00:10:30,076
What? Come on.
260
00:10:30,076 --> 00:10:32,779
The only thing you burst
is your credibility.
261
00:10:32,779 --> 00:10:35,665
Men are completely capable
of experiencing love.
262
00:10:35,665 --> 00:10:37,801
Okay, I'll bite.
Go on. Who's the guy?
263
00:10:37,801 --> 00:10:40,003
What?
- The guy. Mr. Wonderful.
264
00:10:40,003 --> 00:10:41,805
The one who's
so capable of love.
265
00:10:41,805 --> 00:10:43,640
Who is he? What's he like?
266
00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:47,394
He's smart, he's handsome
but he doesn't know it.
267
00:10:47,394 --> 00:10:51,648
He's successful, but in a job
that means something.
268
00:10:51,648 --> 00:10:53,366
[SNORING]
269
00:10:53,366 --> 00:10:55,484
He loves red wine, picnics,
classical music.
270
00:10:55,484 --> 00:10:58,271
Mm, this is a guy
in America, right?
271
00:10:58,271 --> 00:11:01,107
I mean, you're not calling
from Europe or something?
272
00:11:01,107 --> 00:11:03,293
He loves dogs,
but he's more of a cat person.
273
00:11:03,293 --> 00:11:06,246
He never gets up before you
on a Sunday morning.
274
00:11:06,246 --> 00:11:07,981
Wait a second, I get it.
275
00:11:07,981 --> 00:11:09,032
You're a lesbian.
276
00:11:09,032 --> 00:11:10,500
What?
- Well, you must be.
277
00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:12,868
I mean, you just described
the perfect woman.
278
00:11:12,868 --> 00:11:15,721
Why are you so threatened
by these qualities?
279
00:11:15,721 --> 00:11:18,908
Is it perhaps because you don't
possess a single one of them
280
00:11:18,908 --> 00:11:20,276
and that is the real reason
281
00:11:20,276 --> 00:11:22,161
why women aren't
interested in you? Hm?
282
00:11:22,161 --> 00:11:25,098
Okay. Okay, I'll give you
100 bucks of my own money
283
00:11:25,098 --> 00:11:27,366
to go get this guy
and bring him down here
284
00:11:27,366 --> 00:11:29,135
and let me meet him.
285
00:11:29,135 --> 00:11:32,171
Well, he's out there,
somewhere.
286
00:11:32,171 --> 00:11:33,640
Wait a second.
287
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,809
You're not even
dating this guy?
288
00:11:35,809 --> 00:11:40,113
No, I'm describing a type.
289
00:11:40,113 --> 00:11:42,899
I thought that's
what we were doing.
290
00:11:42,899 --> 00:11:45,384
Ha-ha-ha! What?
You don't even know him?
291
00:11:45,384 --> 00:11:47,887
Oh, whoa, okay,
now I get the picture.
292
00:11:47,887 --> 00:11:51,041
Hold on. Oh, you're a dog.
293
00:11:51,041 --> 00:11:51,974
What?
294
00:11:51,974 --> 00:11:53,309
Well, you must be.
295
00:11:53,309 --> 00:11:55,278
Come on, you heard me.
I mean, if you were--
296
00:11:55,278 --> 00:11:56,863
If you were hot,
you would be out
297
00:11:56,863 --> 00:11:59,615
breaking some poor
schmuck's heart
298
00:11:59,615 --> 00:12:02,518
instead of spending
all your time fantasizing
299
00:12:02,518 --> 00:12:03,886
about Mr. Wonderful.
300
00:12:03,886 --> 00:12:06,489
Face it, you're ugly.
301
00:12:07,591 --> 00:12:08,924
I am not ugly.
302
00:12:08,924 --> 00:12:10,894
Well, okay,
303
00:12:10,894 --> 00:12:12,311
let me help you out here.
304
00:12:12,311 --> 00:12:15,148
You might as well face the fact
that you're gonna be alone,
305
00:12:15,148 --> 00:12:17,550
and stop pining away
for some fantasy guy
306
00:12:17,550 --> 00:12:18,618
you're never gonna get.
307
00:12:18,618 --> 00:12:21,203
How can you possibly--?
- Hey, Lassie.
308
00:12:21,203 --> 00:12:22,855
The show's called
The Ugly Truth.
309
00:12:22,855 --> 00:12:25,825
If you can't face it,
don't call.
310
00:12:25,825 --> 00:12:27,493
That about
wraps it up for this evening.
311
00:12:27,493 --> 00:12:30,929
I'm Mike Chadway reminding you
that the truth is never pretty.
312
00:12:30,929 --> 00:12:32,831
JOY:
How'd the date go?
313
00:12:32,831 --> 00:12:35,852
Well, I was very pleased
with the choice of restaurant.
314
00:12:35,852 --> 00:12:38,054
That is so awesome.
Why?
315
00:12:38,054 --> 00:12:39,639
STUART:
Good morning, everyone.
316
00:12:39,639 --> 00:12:40,973
ALL:
Morning.
317
00:12:40,973 --> 00:12:43,392
Now, before I play you this,
I should warn you,
318
00:12:43,392 --> 00:12:46,812
this guy's a little rough
around the edges.
319
00:12:46,812 --> 00:12:49,632
Face it, you're ugly.
320
00:12:49,632 --> 00:12:51,667
ABBY:
I am not ugly.
321
00:12:51,667 --> 00:12:54,404
MIKE: Well--
Why are we watching this?
322
00:12:54,404 --> 00:12:55,888
Say hello to
our new guest commentator.
323
00:12:55,888 --> 00:12:57,757
I'm starting him off at
two segments a week,
324
00:12:57,757 --> 00:12:58,991
three minutes a pop.
325
00:12:58,991 --> 00:13:01,377
Are you kidding me?
Who the hell is this guy?
326
00:13:01,377 --> 00:13:03,897
Name's Mike Chadway.
ABBY: He's an uber-moron
327
00:13:03,897 --> 00:13:05,147
misogynist who represents
328
00:13:05,147 --> 00:13:07,517
everything that is wrong
with television and society.
329
00:13:07,517 --> 00:13:09,585
I get crap every time
I suggest we do something
330
00:13:09,585 --> 00:13:11,121
even remotely fluffy.
331
00:13:11,121 --> 00:13:13,138
Oh, come on.
He's got a point of view.
332
00:13:13,138 --> 00:13:16,041
We don't have to like it.
I mean, we're newspeople.
333
00:13:16,041 --> 00:13:16,926
We're objective.
334
00:13:16,926 --> 00:13:18,778
Stone Phillips interviews
terrorists.
335
00:13:18,778 --> 00:13:21,381
Doesn't mean he likes them,
he does it for the ratings.
336
00:13:21,381 --> 00:13:23,348
I have a whole list of ideas
to improve ratings.
337
00:13:23,348 --> 00:13:25,301
You're gonna like it.
We don't need him.
338
00:13:25,301 --> 00:13:26,970
We don't need him.
- Not at all.
339
00:13:26,970 --> 00:13:28,555
"An intimate profile
of the mayor."
340
00:13:28,555 --> 00:13:29,672
Yes.
GEORGIA: I like that.
341
00:13:29,672 --> 00:13:31,007
I like the mayor.
- Fantastic.
342
00:13:31,007 --> 00:13:32,308
The mayor?
343
00:13:32,308 --> 00:13:34,027
Yes. It can be edgy
and yet intriguing.
344
00:13:34,027 --> 00:13:36,212
Unless you can get him to bang
three crack whores
345
00:13:36,212 --> 00:13:38,848
and a German shepherd
on live TV,
346
00:13:38,848 --> 00:13:40,316
no one's gonna give a shit.
347
00:13:42,085 --> 00:13:43,285
Oh, I'm sorry.
348
00:13:43,285 --> 00:13:44,854
I was eavesdropping
out in the hall.
349
00:13:44,854 --> 00:13:46,723
[LAUGHING]
350
00:13:46,723 --> 00:13:48,574
What did I tell you?
Isn't this guy great?
351
00:13:48,574 --> 00:13:50,360
Oh, thanks, boss.
352
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:52,078
You already hired him?
353
00:13:52,078 --> 00:13:54,864
Who's this
delightful creature?
354
00:13:56,383 --> 00:13:57,784
I'm your producer.
355
00:13:57,784 --> 00:13:59,802
Oh. Hey.
356
00:14:01,155 --> 00:14:02,789
I like a woman on top.
357
00:14:02,789 --> 00:14:06,042
GEORGIA:
Ugh. God.
358
00:14:06,042 --> 00:14:08,261
Nice office.
Ha-ha! He's just kidding.
359
00:14:08,261 --> 00:14:09,311
Oh, yeah.
360
00:14:09,311 --> 00:14:11,464
Excuse me.
- Hey, Mike, you see your office?
361
00:14:11,464 --> 00:14:13,866
Come on. Let me show you.
- No, I didn't. Beautiful.
362
00:14:13,866 --> 00:14:15,735
Everybody take five.
I'll be right back.
363
00:14:15,735 --> 00:14:17,804
Were you all not there
last year for our
364
00:14:17,804 --> 00:14:19,204
sexual-harassment meeting?
365
00:14:19,204 --> 00:14:21,541
Yes. Were you not there, Larry?
He needs to go.
366
00:14:21,541 --> 00:14:23,309
He wasn't
sexually harassing me.
367
00:14:25,128 --> 00:14:26,629
I am an award-winning
news producer.
368
00:14:26,629 --> 00:14:28,481
I am an award-winning
news producer.
369
00:14:28,481 --> 00:14:30,733
I am an award-winning
news producer.
370
00:14:30,733 --> 00:14:32,351
I am an awa--
371
00:14:32,351 --> 00:14:34,186
You're an award-winning
news producer.
372
00:14:34,186 --> 00:14:35,471
You don't knock?
373
00:14:35,471 --> 00:14:37,140
Well, I did knock.
You didn't answer.
374
00:14:37,140 --> 00:14:39,742
So essentially,
your knock was negated
375
00:14:39,742 --> 00:14:41,377
by your complete
lack of adherence
376
00:14:41,377 --> 00:14:44,714
to the social etiquette
that follows a knock.
377
00:14:44,714 --> 00:14:45,715
[CHUCKLES]
378
00:14:45,715 --> 00:14:47,917
You're wound like a fucking top.
379
00:14:47,917 --> 00:14:51,120
Woof, woof.
Remember the bark?
380
00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,556
Last night, a little
phone conversation we had.
381
00:14:53,556 --> 00:14:56,959
Yeah. Hey, what do you know?
382
00:14:56,959 --> 00:14:58,678
You're not ugly at all.
383
00:14:58,678 --> 00:15:01,080
Oh, well,
imagine my relief.
384
00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:03,249
I want to thank you
for getting me this gig.
385
00:15:03,249 --> 00:15:05,584
I would never have gotten it
without you.
386
00:15:05,584 --> 00:15:08,354
You and I, we make good TV.
387
00:15:08,354 --> 00:15:11,207
You make imbecilic trash
watched by housebound
388
00:15:11,207 --> 00:15:12,942
inbreds who are so busy
with their hands
389
00:15:12,942 --> 00:15:16,029
down their pants,
they can't change the remote.
390
00:15:16,029 --> 00:15:19,198
I hadn't been picturing you
that way, but it's a nice image.
391
00:15:19,198 --> 00:15:20,616
I do not watch
your program.
392
00:15:20,616 --> 00:15:23,002
My cat stepped
on the remote.
393
00:15:23,002 --> 00:15:24,237
[CLEARS THROAT]
394
00:15:24,237 --> 00:15:26,322
Oh, you want to thank
your pussy for me, then?
395
00:15:26,322 --> 00:15:28,073
Ugh!
396
00:15:30,777 --> 00:15:33,345
Larry, Georgia, listen to me.
I want you to skewer him.
397
00:15:33,345 --> 00:15:35,347
I want Mike Chadway
to go down in flames.
398
00:15:35,347 --> 00:15:37,416
I want Mike Chadway to be
nothing but a pile of ash
399
00:15:37,416 --> 00:15:38,718
on the seat next to you.
400
00:15:38,718 --> 00:15:40,953
I want the janitor to come in
and vacuum up the ashes
401
00:15:40,953 --> 00:15:42,688
of Mike Chadway
with his Dustbuster
402
00:15:42,688 --> 00:15:44,757
and when he dumps it
in the Dumpster outside,
403
00:15:44,757 --> 00:15:46,358
I want the rats to vomit
and defecate
404
00:15:46,358 --> 00:15:48,427
on the ashes of Mike Chadway.
405
00:15:48,427 --> 00:15:52,898
Wow. And I thought
you were angry and bitter.
406
00:15:52,898 --> 00:15:56,736
Uh, no, Larry, that would be
my untouched vagina.
407
00:15:56,736 --> 00:15:58,104
MAN: Chadway?
- What?
408
00:15:58,104 --> 00:15:59,972
Twenty seconds to air.
409
00:15:59,972 --> 00:16:01,874
WOMAN:
About ready? Larry?
410
00:16:01,874 --> 00:16:03,542
There's a bird
in my dressing room.
411
00:16:03,542 --> 00:16:04,710
MAN:
I'll take care of it.
412
00:16:04,710 --> 00:16:06,845
A real bird?
- Yeah. It's flying around.
413
00:16:06,845 --> 00:16:08,547
Why is there a bird
in his dressing room?
414
00:16:08,547 --> 00:16:10,249
I don't know
what type of bird it is.
415
00:16:10,249 --> 00:16:11,300
Security here is awful.
416
00:16:11,300 --> 00:16:13,502
You guys have really got
to keep the doors closed.
417
00:16:13,502 --> 00:16:14,854
MAN:
Four, three...
418
00:16:14,854 --> 00:16:16,321
[MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
419
00:16:16,321 --> 00:16:18,223
Good morning, everyone,
I'm Larry Freeman.
420
00:16:18,223 --> 00:16:19,958
Another beautiful day
in Sacramento.
421
00:16:19,958 --> 00:16:21,778
And I'm sitting here
with a beautiful woman.
422
00:16:21,778 --> 00:16:23,596
CLIFF: Go, 1.
STUART: All right, here we go.
423
00:16:23,596 --> 00:16:24,680
[GEORGIA LAUGHS]
424
00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:25,881
GEORGIA:
Thank you, Larry.
425
00:16:25,881 --> 00:16:26,982
Hi. I'm Georgia Bordeney.
426
00:16:26,982 --> 00:16:28,768
CLIFF:
Ready for the single on Georgia.
427
00:16:28,768 --> 00:16:30,252
For years,
there have been concerns
428
00:16:30,252 --> 00:16:32,421
about lowering
television standards.
429
00:16:32,421 --> 00:16:33,990
But many believe that this man
430
00:16:33,990 --> 00:16:36,326
and his local
public-access show
431
00:16:36,326 --> 00:16:38,077
have brought things
to a new low.
432
00:16:38,077 --> 00:16:40,947
With that,
we welcome Mike Chadway.
433
00:16:40,947 --> 00:16:43,282
How you doing, guys?
434
00:16:43,282 --> 00:16:44,667
Mike, how do you respond
to people
435
00:16:44,667 --> 00:16:46,119
who say your show is offensive?
436
00:16:46,119 --> 00:16:48,955
Well, it is.
But then again, so is the truth.
437
00:16:48,955 --> 00:16:52,708
Ha. The truth about what,
Mr. Chadway?
438
00:16:52,708 --> 00:16:55,178
What relationships
are really like.
439
00:16:55,178 --> 00:16:56,795
Take marriage, for instance.
440
00:16:56,795 --> 00:16:59,915
It's about social pressure,
441
00:16:59,915 --> 00:17:02,852
status and sex.
442
00:17:02,852 --> 00:17:04,520
If it weren't for these
three things,
443
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:06,222
men and women
wouldn't even speak.
444
00:17:06,222 --> 00:17:09,441
Oh, dear. Sounds to me
like no one's ever loved you,
445
00:17:09,441 --> 00:17:12,094
and you're taking that out
on the female population.
446
00:17:12,094 --> 00:17:14,379
[BOTH LAUGHING]
447
00:17:14,379 --> 00:17:15,781
Good one.
It's like Crossfire.
448
00:17:15,781 --> 00:17:17,700
That was a good one.
449
00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:19,902
While we're making
these observations, Georgia,
450
00:17:19,902 --> 00:17:22,721
you two project this image
of the perfect couple,
451
00:17:22,721 --> 00:17:24,123
when clearly it's a lie.
452
00:17:24,123 --> 00:17:25,290
[#]
453
00:17:25,290 --> 00:17:26,793
Excuse me?
454
00:17:26,793 --> 00:17:29,495
Holy shit.
Oh. Break for commercial.
455
00:17:29,495 --> 00:17:30,529
No, no, no.
456
00:17:30,529 --> 00:17:32,698
Stuart said keep rolling
no matter what.
457
00:17:32,698 --> 00:17:34,500
What? When? This is my show.
458
00:17:34,500 --> 00:17:38,054
BOTH:
Not right now, it isn't.
459
00:17:38,054 --> 00:17:40,173
Come on, Larry.
I watched your show for years.
460
00:17:40,173 --> 00:17:43,476
You used to be this cool,
confident cat.
461
00:17:43,476 --> 00:17:45,110
What the hell
happened to you?
462
00:17:45,110 --> 00:17:49,047
And you, Georgia. I mean,
this one's no dumb bunny.
463
00:17:49,047 --> 00:17:51,651
She knew the only way she was
getting off the weekend shift
464
00:17:51,651 --> 00:17:53,519
was by hooking up
with you.
465
00:17:53,519 --> 00:17:56,656
Then, lo and behold, she became
more popular than you did.
466
00:17:56,656 --> 00:17:58,107
Ended up with twice
your salary.
467
00:17:58,107 --> 00:17:59,841
Come on, Larry, take him down.
468
00:17:59,841 --> 00:18:01,243
JOY:
Shh!
469
00:18:01,243 --> 00:18:04,530
Hold on, pal. I am very proud
of my wife's success.
470
00:18:04,530 --> 00:18:07,366
MIKE: Mm, baloney, you are.
You hate her success.
471
00:18:07,366 --> 00:18:09,068
You feel emasculated by her.
472
00:18:09,068 --> 00:18:10,936
And that screws with your head.
473
00:18:12,505 --> 00:18:14,807
Which, in turn,
screws with your manhood.
474
00:18:14,807 --> 00:18:17,493
GEORGIA:
What's your point, Mr. Chadway?
475
00:18:17,493 --> 00:18:20,630
Yes, Georgia, take control.
MIKE: My point, Georgia--
476
00:18:20,630 --> 00:18:23,332
My point is
that your husband
477
00:18:23,332 --> 00:18:25,768
hasn't had
sex with you in...
478
00:18:25,768 --> 00:18:28,554
I'm gonna say,
what, three months?
479
00:18:28,554 --> 00:18:31,090
Chadway, that is not my fault.
I know.
480
00:18:31,090 --> 00:18:34,360
I mean, come on.
I know, I know. It's her fault.
481
00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:37,480
Why is it my fault?
What am I supposed to do?
482
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,282
Say no to the money
so he can get an erection?
483
00:18:39,282 --> 00:18:40,866
She said "erection"
on network TV.
484
00:18:40,866 --> 00:18:42,468
The other networks do it.
No big deal.
485
00:18:42,468 --> 00:18:44,370
They're talking about erections.
Be quiet!
486
00:18:44,370 --> 00:18:46,188
They say "erection"
on Sesame Street.
487
00:18:46,188 --> 00:18:47,723
I agree.
- Thank you.
488
00:18:47,723 --> 00:18:50,293
You've economically
emasculated your husband
489
00:18:50,293 --> 00:18:53,596
to such a point
that he's afraid to want you.
490
00:18:53,596 --> 00:18:55,231
Ugh.
- I mean, sure,
491
00:18:55,231 --> 00:18:56,932
you could dump his ass, but,
honey,
492
00:18:56,932 --> 00:19:01,471
have you seen the eligible men
in Sacramento? Oh, God.
493
00:19:01,471 --> 00:19:04,056
It's slim pickings for a woman
in her 40s, I can tell you.
494
00:19:04,056 --> 00:19:05,725
Forties?
495
00:19:05,725 --> 00:19:07,059
Oh, God.
496
00:19:07,059 --> 00:19:09,011
CLIFF: Hold that shot
with Georgia and Mike.
497
00:19:09,011 --> 00:19:10,596
He just talked about her age.
498
00:19:10,596 --> 00:19:12,348
She's gonna kill me.
- Well.
499
00:19:12,348 --> 00:19:13,833
Forty?
500
00:19:13,833 --> 00:19:16,368
I mean, you ain't gonna do
any better than Larry.
501
00:19:16,368 --> 00:19:19,705
You just have to let him
be a man. Hm?
502
00:19:19,705 --> 00:19:21,607
Let him be a man, Georgia.
I let him be a man.
503
00:19:21,607 --> 00:19:22,674
You have to let me be a man.
504
00:19:22,674 --> 00:19:24,143
I have tried to let you
be a man.
505
00:19:24,143 --> 00:19:26,411
Let him be a man.
You have to let me be a man.
506
00:19:26,411 --> 00:19:29,499
Simple as that. Now, you,
Frowny McFlaccid, come on.
507
00:19:29,499 --> 00:19:30,433
Oh, God.
508
00:19:30,433 --> 00:19:32,702
CLIFF: Ready for a three-shot.
Zoom In.
509
00:19:32,702 --> 00:19:34,486
I'm not frowny.
- Yes, you are.
510
00:19:34,486 --> 00:19:36,755
Move in here and give
this beautiful woman a kiss.
511
00:19:36,755 --> 00:19:37,673
GEORGIA:
Oh, God.
512
00:19:37,673 --> 00:19:39,141
This is ridiculous.
McFlaccid?
513
00:19:39,141 --> 00:19:41,744
That mean what I think it means?
MIKE: Yes, it does. Kiss her.
514
00:19:41,744 --> 00:19:43,346
No. They're not gonna--
515
00:19:43,346 --> 00:19:44,714
Give it to her,
right in front of me.
516
00:19:44,714 --> 00:19:46,548
And in front of them.
- Let me--
517
00:19:46,548 --> 00:19:49,552
Goddamn it, Georgia,
let me be a man!
518
00:19:49,552 --> 00:19:52,772
No!
- Oh! Zoom in on that, 2. Zoom in.
519
00:19:52,772 --> 00:19:54,440
America doesn't want
to see this!
520
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:58,144
And that, my friends,
is the ugly truth.
521
00:19:58,144 --> 00:20:00,479
Get ready to roll to break.
Ready to roll--
522
00:20:00,479 --> 00:20:03,616
Oh, you are a man.
He is a man. Break.
523
00:20:03,616 --> 00:20:05,251
Cut to commercial!
524
00:20:05,251 --> 00:20:06,819
Cut to commercial!
525
00:20:06,819 --> 00:20:08,704
That was great!
Wasn't that great?
526
00:20:08,704 --> 00:20:10,573
I told you
that guy was great.
527
00:20:10,573 --> 00:20:12,875
Good job,
everybody. Wow!
528
00:20:12,875 --> 00:20:14,126
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
529
00:20:14,126 --> 00:20:15,628
JOY:
Abby?
530
00:20:18,081 --> 00:20:19,849
Found her.
531
00:20:19,849 --> 00:20:22,585
1,143 calls,
532
00:20:22,585 --> 00:20:25,838
over 300 e-mails, 53 percent
of them were women.
533
00:20:25,838 --> 00:20:28,874
This guy's
a lightning rod.
534
00:20:28,874 --> 00:20:30,393
They liked him?
535
00:20:30,393 --> 00:20:32,228
Liked him?
They loved him.
536
00:20:32,228 --> 00:20:34,013
93 percent positive.
537
00:20:34,013 --> 00:20:36,148
How is that possible?
STUART: I don't know.
538
00:20:36,148 --> 00:20:38,150
But I am
scaling back the news
539
00:20:38,150 --> 00:20:39,769
and giving it
to The Ugly Truth.
540
00:20:39,769 --> 00:20:41,887
Stuart, I really think
this is a mistake.
541
00:20:41,887 --> 00:20:43,788
What do we even
know about this guy?
542
00:20:43,788 --> 00:20:45,624
Who is he, really?
543
00:20:45,624 --> 00:20:46,759
Moved here when he was 10,
544
00:20:46,759 --> 00:20:49,245
pitched two consecutive
Little League Championships.
545
00:20:49,245 --> 00:20:50,413
Cute.
546
00:20:50,413 --> 00:20:51,897
Voted "Most Likely
to Get Slapped"
547
00:20:51,897 --> 00:20:54,367
in his senior yearbook.
Three years at San José State.
548
00:20:54,367 --> 00:20:56,935
Salesman of the Year at
Dobson Medical Supplies in '04.
549
00:20:56,935 --> 00:20:58,988
Once arrested for urinating
out of a moving vehicle.
550
00:20:58,988 --> 00:21:00,856
That is actually
incredibly challenging.
551
00:21:00,856 --> 00:21:01,857
Tell me about it.
552
00:21:01,857 --> 00:21:03,793
Never been married,
hates asparagus.
553
00:21:03,793 --> 00:21:06,078
Look, let's just keep a smile
on this guy's face,
554
00:21:06,078 --> 00:21:08,898
and we'll both get
our contracts renewed.
555
00:21:11,134 --> 00:21:13,552
Congratulations?
556
00:21:13,552 --> 00:21:14,302
[#]
557
00:21:19,042 --> 00:21:21,076
[BIKE BELL RINGS]
558
00:21:22,929 --> 00:21:24,030
[SIGHS]
559
00:21:27,317 --> 00:21:28,333
[BEEPS]
560
00:21:28,333 --> 00:21:30,352
WOMAN 1 [ON RECORDING]:
Mike. Hi, it's Lauren.
561
00:21:30,352 --> 00:21:32,721
I'm having a party on Saturday
and you know what happens
562
00:21:32,721 --> 00:21:34,890
when I drink tequila.
Ha-ha-ha.
563
00:21:36,777 --> 00:21:38,644
[MACHINE BEEPS]
564
00:21:38,644 --> 00:21:44,417
WOMAN 2: It's me, Nikki. Why haven't
you called me? I miss you.
565
00:21:44,417 --> 00:21:46,218
I can't stop...
BOY: Hey.
566
00:21:46,218 --> 00:21:47,720
...thinking about your huge--
567
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:48,804
[MACHINE BEEPS]
568
00:21:48,804 --> 00:21:51,257
Who's that?
Rubbing all over my--
569
00:21:51,257 --> 00:21:52,842
[MACHINE BEEPS]
570
00:21:52,842 --> 00:21:54,443
Dripping wet--
- How was--?
571
00:21:56,145 --> 00:21:57,680
How was school?
572
00:21:59,232 --> 00:22:02,101
Well, you totally hosed me.
- What?
573
00:22:02,101 --> 00:22:03,802
Last week on your show,
you said,
574
00:22:03,802 --> 00:22:05,337
"Always be mean to hot girls
575
00:22:05,337 --> 00:22:08,740
because they'll want you more."
Well, I tried it on Shauna.
576
00:22:08,740 --> 00:22:11,210
She cried,
and then I got detention.
577
00:22:11,210 --> 00:22:14,497
First of all, don't listen
to what I say on my show.
578
00:22:14,497 --> 00:22:18,550
Second of all, you're supposed
to do that to 25-year-old girls
579
00:22:18,550 --> 00:22:21,420
who think they're hot and
can get any guy they want,
580
00:22:21,420 --> 00:22:23,772
not 14-year-old girls.
581
00:22:23,772 --> 00:22:25,424
They're going through puberty.
582
00:22:25,424 --> 00:22:27,893
They got enough problems.
583
00:22:27,893 --> 00:22:29,461
Mom said when she was 14,
584
00:22:29,461 --> 00:22:32,214
she was the prettiest girl
in class.
585
00:22:32,214 --> 00:22:33,599
Well, I was there when
she was 14,
586
00:22:33,599 --> 00:22:35,501
and let me tell you something.
She lied.
587
00:22:35,501 --> 00:22:37,269
Don't listen to your Uncle Mike.
588
00:22:37,269 --> 00:22:40,773
He was blind from touching
himself inappropriately.
589
00:22:40,773 --> 00:22:43,392
Ha. That's a nice thing
to tell your son.
590
00:22:43,392 --> 00:22:46,262
Like he hasn't heard worse
on your show.
591
00:22:46,262 --> 00:22:49,532
Let's hope you can clean it up
now that you're on a network.
592
00:22:49,532 --> 00:22:51,800
Congrats.
593
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:52,550
[#]
594
00:23:03,513 --> 00:23:06,381
[GLASS SHATTERS]
595
00:23:06,381 --> 00:23:09,969
Oh!
D'Artagnan, no, you didn't!
596
00:23:09,969 --> 00:23:12,722
No, D'Artagnan, you get
back here. Get back here.
597
00:23:12,722 --> 00:23:15,057
No, do not-- No, no, no.
598
00:23:15,057 --> 00:23:16,425
[SIGHS]
599
00:23:16,425 --> 00:23:17,726
[D'ARTAGNAN MEOWS]
600
00:23:17,726 --> 00:23:20,730
ABBY:
D'Artagnan.
601
00:23:20,730 --> 00:23:22,848
D'Artagnan!
602
00:23:22,848 --> 00:23:24,249
Shit!
603
00:23:26,319 --> 00:23:27,719
All right.
604
00:23:27,719 --> 00:23:29,488
I'll just come up.
605
00:23:31,358 --> 00:23:34,910
I'm really not that flexible,
D'Artagnan. I'm coming.
606
00:23:34,910 --> 00:23:36,945
I got you, hold on.
607
00:23:36,945 --> 00:23:39,214
Hold on. Come here, baby.
608
00:23:39,214 --> 00:23:41,951
No, no. No, no. Come on.
Come here, D'Artagnan.
609
00:23:41,951 --> 00:23:45,186
Good boy.
Oh, good boy. Okay.
610
00:23:45,186 --> 00:23:47,790
Okay. You're gonna be okay.
611
00:23:47,790 --> 00:23:49,458
Oh. I hope we can get down.
612
00:23:51,277 --> 00:23:52,027
[#]
613
00:23:57,601 --> 00:23:58,950
Oh, my.
614
00:23:58,950 --> 00:24:00,652
[MEOWS]
615
00:24:04,140 --> 00:24:04,980
Oh, my.
616
00:24:06,443 --> 00:24:08,327
My, my.
617
00:24:10,546 --> 00:24:11,546
Ooh.
618
00:24:12,783 --> 00:24:15,100
He flosses.
[BRANCH CRACKS]
619
00:24:16,703 --> 00:24:19,721
[SCREAMING]
620
00:24:21,158 --> 00:24:23,542
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
621
00:24:23,542 --> 00:24:26,045
Somebody help me!
Somebody help me!
622
00:24:26,045 --> 00:24:27,879
I'm stuck in a tree!
623
00:24:27,879 --> 00:24:30,716
Help me! Anybody!
624
00:24:30,716 --> 00:24:33,169
I'm stuck in a tree! I'm stuck!
Stay, stay calm.
625
00:24:33,169 --> 00:24:35,838
You're gonna be fine.
Get me down! Get me down!
626
00:24:37,707 --> 00:24:40,676
Sorry. Oh, my God.
627
00:24:40,676 --> 00:24:42,928
So you just moved in.
That's great.
628
00:24:42,928 --> 00:24:44,596
I'm Abby, by the way.
629
00:24:44,596 --> 00:24:46,849
Your neighbor
from across the way.
630
00:24:46,849 --> 00:24:49,501
So you're a doctor? Wow.
631
00:24:49,501 --> 00:24:50,953
An orthopedic surgeon.
632
00:24:50,953 --> 00:24:52,671
Yeah, I do a lot of
leg and hip stuff,
633
00:24:52,671 --> 00:24:54,840
but I do get
the occasional foot.
634
00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:56,575
[GIGGLES]
Your ankle seems to be fine.
635
00:24:56,575 --> 00:24:58,277
Just a mild sprain,
so this should help.
636
00:24:58,277 --> 00:24:59,745
Great. Thank you.
637
00:24:59,745 --> 00:25:01,913
I guess I'm pretty lucky
my cat chose the tree
638
00:25:01,913 --> 00:25:03,249
outside your window to climb.
639
00:25:03,249 --> 00:25:05,133
[CHUCKLES]
640
00:25:05,133 --> 00:25:06,802
Well, I'm here
whenever you need me.
641
00:25:06,802 --> 00:25:08,437
Look, I'm gonna put
my home number
642
00:25:08,437 --> 00:25:09,871
on the back
of my business card.
643
00:25:09,871 --> 00:25:11,973
If your ankle starts giving you
any problems,
644
00:25:11,973 --> 00:25:13,509
just give me a call.
645
00:25:13,509 --> 00:25:16,629
Great. Thanks.
[D'ARTAGNAN MEOWS]
646
00:25:16,629 --> 00:25:17,980
[PURRING]
647
00:25:17,980 --> 00:25:21,100
Oh, wow, that's so weird.
He doesn't usually like men.
648
00:25:21,100 --> 00:25:23,886
Well, you know, dogs are great,
649
00:25:23,886 --> 00:25:25,888
but, uh, I'm a cat person.
650
00:25:25,888 --> 00:25:27,822
[CHUCKLES]
651
00:25:27,822 --> 00:25:29,724
Yeah.
652
00:25:32,112 --> 00:25:35,564
Well, I guess
I'll get going, then.
653
00:25:35,564 --> 00:25:37,399
Yeah.
654
00:25:37,399 --> 00:25:38,467
Yeah.
655
00:25:41,071 --> 00:25:42,771
Yeah. Ha-ha.
656
00:25:44,324 --> 00:25:45,691
[ABBY SIGHS]
657
00:25:45,691 --> 00:25:48,126
Thanks again for saving my life.
Anytime.
658
00:25:48,126 --> 00:25:51,095
Okay. Bye.
- Okay. Bye.
659
00:25:51,095 --> 00:25:52,531
[MEOWS]
660
00:25:55,034 --> 00:25:57,253
You forgot your cat.
- Right.
661
00:25:57,253 --> 00:25:58,720
I had a spider on me. Ugh.
662
00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:00,556
Yeah.
- It's gone now, though. Good.
663
00:26:00,556 --> 00:26:01,840
All right, okay.
- Bye.
664
00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:03,892
Thanks again.
- Good night.
665
00:26:06,096 --> 00:26:09,014
You are not gonna believe
how perfect he is.
666
00:26:09,014 --> 00:26:10,683
Symmetrical?
- Oh, you have no idea.
667
00:26:10,683 --> 00:26:12,051
Oh, good Lord.
- Yeah.
668
00:26:12,051 --> 00:26:13,152
Well, how did you leave it?
669
00:26:13,152 --> 00:26:14,619
I mean, did he ask
for your number?
670
00:26:14,619 --> 00:26:15,688
No, but he gave me his.
671
00:26:15,688 --> 00:26:17,289
So what do I do?
Should I call him?
672
00:26:17,289 --> 00:26:18,957
If I call do call him,
what should I say?
673
00:26:18,957 --> 00:26:20,392
Okay. Take a breath.
- Uh-huh.
674
00:26:20,392 --> 00:26:21,860
And please, sweetheart,
675
00:26:21,860 --> 00:26:23,295
No tap water.
- No tap water.
676
00:26:23,295 --> 00:26:25,080
Don't bring it up.
677
00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:26,398
You've got naughty eyes.
678
00:26:26,398 --> 00:26:28,934
Anyone ever tell you that?
- I have naughty everything.
679
00:26:28,934 --> 00:26:30,068
Hold that thought.
680
00:26:30,068 --> 00:26:32,621
MIKE: No, hey,
you won't get in trouble.
681
00:26:32,621 --> 00:26:34,155
Down a bit. Down a bit.
682
00:26:35,474 --> 00:26:37,125
Okay.
683
00:26:38,395 --> 00:26:40,028
Bye, Karen.
684
00:26:40,028 --> 00:26:42,147
[CLEARS THROAT]
685
00:26:42,147 --> 00:26:44,699
Keep it clean, moving,
stick to the script.
686
00:26:44,699 --> 00:26:46,535
You are on a live
affiliate news program.
687
00:26:46,535 --> 00:26:48,437
You do not have the luxury
of using the words
688
00:26:48,437 --> 00:26:50,205
"blow" and "job"
in the same sentence.
689
00:26:50,205 --> 00:26:52,057
If you say anything
scatological,
690
00:26:52,057 --> 00:26:53,742
you will be fired.
691
00:26:53,742 --> 00:26:55,010
Oh, really?
- Yes.
692
00:26:55,010 --> 00:26:57,379
Because I kind of thought
that you were the one
693
00:26:57,379 --> 00:27:00,065
that was gonna get fired
if you don't keep me happy.
694
00:27:00,065 --> 00:27:04,036
Yes. I've got a list of demands
that I would like to make
695
00:27:04,036 --> 00:27:06,421
after the show,
and let me just warn you,
696
00:27:06,421 --> 00:27:08,656
they're gonna be
scatological.
697
00:27:11,510 --> 00:27:13,378
Ow. Ah.
698
00:27:13,378 --> 00:27:15,998
You know, just because
you look pretty today,
699
00:27:15,998 --> 00:27:19,251
I won't mention the misguided
phallic rage you just displayed.
700
00:27:19,251 --> 00:27:21,003
When you hear my voice,
just do what I say.
701
00:27:21,003 --> 00:27:22,871
Heh-heh.
Promise you'll talk dirty?
702
00:27:22,871 --> 00:27:24,640
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
703
00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:26,925
LARRY: Good morning,
Sacramento. I'm Larry Freeman.
704
00:27:26,925 --> 00:27:28,460
GEORGIA:
And I'm Georgia Bordeney.
705
00:27:28,460 --> 00:27:29,795
MIKE:
And I'm Mike Chadway.
706
00:27:29,795 --> 00:27:31,813
And this is The Ugly Truth.
707
00:27:31,813 --> 00:27:34,499
Where we'll be taking
a few minutes every day
708
00:27:34,499 --> 00:27:39,037
to talk about men, women
and relationships.
709
00:27:39,037 --> 00:27:40,939
Let's start with men.
710
00:27:40,939 --> 00:27:42,574
Men are simple.
711
00:27:42,574 --> 00:27:44,276
To illustrate my point,
712
00:27:44,276 --> 00:27:46,828
here we have
a classic romantic setting.
713
00:27:46,828 --> 00:27:51,500
We have, uh, candlelight,
champagne, and even
714
00:27:51,500 --> 00:27:53,702
your own personal violinist.
715
00:27:53,702 --> 00:27:54,702
Now,
716
00:27:55,572 --> 00:27:58,173
over here, we have something
quite different.
717
00:27:58,173 --> 00:28:00,942
MAN: This isn't on my list.
Ha-ha-ha! Follow me.
718
00:28:00,942 --> 00:28:02,878
MAN:
Is the segment over?
719
00:28:02,878 --> 00:28:04,980
Where the hell's he going?
720
00:28:04,980 --> 00:28:07,349
Follow him. Follow him.
- Go with him, Remote.
721
00:28:07,349 --> 00:28:08,851
Go with him, Remote 1.
722
00:28:08,851 --> 00:28:13,138
Hey.
Babes wrestling in Jell-O.
723
00:28:13,138 --> 00:28:16,240
Oh, Jell-O. That's great.
- Hello? Abby?
724
00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:18,109
There's people calling
725
00:28:18,109 --> 00:28:19,895
and freaking out.
- Oh, Jesus.
726
00:28:19,895 --> 00:28:22,064
Sit down!
- Turn the monitor up.
727
00:28:22,064 --> 00:28:23,598
Let's take a quick survey
728
00:28:23,598 --> 00:28:25,868
and see which option
the men out there would pick.
729
00:28:25,868 --> 00:28:28,370
We have classical music
and candle-lit dinner,
730
00:28:28,370 --> 00:28:33,926
or semi-naked chicks wrestling
in strawberry-flavored goo.
731
00:28:33,926 --> 00:28:35,227
Aah!
732
00:28:35,227 --> 00:28:37,212
[LAUGHING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
733
00:28:37,212 --> 00:28:38,831
Oh, shit.
734
00:28:38,831 --> 00:28:40,898
All right.
735
00:28:40,898 --> 00:28:44,102
If we're gonna do this,
we might as well milk it.
736
00:28:44,102 --> 00:28:47,139
Two, get ready to go wide.
One, tight on his hand.
737
00:28:47,139 --> 00:28:49,441
Lick the Jell-O off her finger.
738
00:28:50,726 --> 00:28:52,928
[OVER HEADSET]
Lick the Jell-O off her finger.
739
00:28:52,928 --> 00:28:54,996
Just do it.
740
00:28:59,068 --> 00:29:01,186
[CROWD CHEERING AND HOOTING]
741
00:29:03,789 --> 00:29:07,693
I was wrong. It's cherry.
742
00:29:07,693 --> 00:29:10,795
Back to you in the studio,
Georgia. Bye.
743
00:29:10,795 --> 00:29:12,597
[MIKE LAUGHING]
Uh...
744
00:29:12,597 --> 00:29:14,566
Coming up,
we're gonna visit the aquarium
745
00:29:14,566 --> 00:29:16,535
and see how
Penny the Porpoise is doing.
746
00:29:16,535 --> 00:29:18,302
Can she
clear that 10-foot pole
747
00:29:18,302 --> 00:29:21,372
with a ball on her nose?
When we come back.
748
00:29:21,372 --> 00:29:23,207
When we come back.
749
00:29:23,207 --> 00:29:26,144
[BREATHING DEEPLY]
750
00:29:28,114 --> 00:29:31,917
Chemistry.
I smell threesome.
751
00:29:31,917 --> 00:29:32,667
Ah.
752
00:29:33,953 --> 00:29:37,055
Great job, ladies.
I can still taste you.
753
00:29:37,055 --> 00:29:38,440
You know what I mean.
754
00:29:38,440 --> 00:29:40,008
[CLEARS THROAT]
755
00:29:41,544 --> 00:29:43,445
Huh?
Do you realize that
756
00:29:43,445 --> 00:29:45,998
I once had the Archbishop
Desmond Tutu on this show?
757
00:29:45,998 --> 00:29:47,315
Who's that?
758
00:29:47,315 --> 00:29:49,384
I can't even demonstrate
how far I've fallen
759
00:29:49,384 --> 00:29:51,837
because you're not smart enough
to get the references.
760
00:29:51,837 --> 00:29:54,539
Hey, wait, wait, wait. I thought
we were a great team back there.
761
00:29:54,539 --> 00:29:56,541
You were the one that
told me to lick the Jell-O.
762
00:29:56,541 --> 00:29:58,877
Do you understand
how much I hate myself for that?
763
00:29:58,877 --> 00:30:00,245
It was cheap titillation.
764
00:30:00,245 --> 00:30:02,096
I am now going
to broadcasting hell
765
00:30:02,096 --> 00:30:04,999
right behind the naked
weather girl from Canada.
766
00:30:06,385 --> 00:30:08,053
Seriously?
767
00:30:08,053 --> 00:30:10,354
There's a
naked weather girl?
768
00:30:10,354 --> 00:30:11,890
Hey, can we get her?
769
00:30:11,890 --> 00:30:14,676
You have to do it
for the ratings, Abby.
770
00:30:14,676 --> 00:30:16,511
Think of my son.
771
00:30:16,511 --> 00:30:19,047
My son, who had a dream
of being a cosmetician.
772
00:30:19,047 --> 00:30:21,749
Think about him.
Think about Joy.
773
00:30:21,749 --> 00:30:23,385
Just do it for me.
774
00:30:23,385 --> 00:30:25,753
Today it'll be partly sunny
with a cloud cover moving in
775
00:30:25,753 --> 00:30:27,889
from my left breast.
776
00:30:27,889 --> 00:30:30,358
Low pressure systems
are moving up,
777
00:30:30,358 --> 00:30:31,726
so expect a cold front.
778
00:30:31,726 --> 00:30:33,262
[GIGGLES]
779
00:30:34,998 --> 00:30:36,414
[GASPS]
780
00:30:36,414 --> 00:30:39,701
MAN [ON TV]: Watch Mike Chadway
on Sacramento A.M.,
781
00:30:39,701 --> 00:30:42,538
giving us The Ugly Truth
each and every day
782
00:30:42,538 --> 00:30:44,188
at 9:00, right here
on Channel 2.
783
00:30:44,188 --> 00:30:45,724
Oh, God.
784
00:30:50,680 --> 00:30:52,497
I used
to really like caviar,
785
00:30:52,497 --> 00:30:54,399
until I found out it was
made out of fish eggs.
786
00:30:54,399 --> 00:30:56,218
Did you know that?
- Caviar's revolting.
787
00:30:56,218 --> 00:30:58,503
I almost started to gag.
- Morning, ladies.
788
00:30:58,503 --> 00:31:00,672
John.
- Yesterday's ratings.
789
00:31:00,672 --> 00:31:02,373
Oh. Thanks, John.
790
00:31:05,745 --> 00:31:07,913
Guess I should be happy
about this, right?
791
00:31:07,913 --> 00:31:11,449
Uh, yeah. Yeah. You've never
gotten a 12-share before.
792
00:31:11,449 --> 00:31:13,986
I feel dirty.
793
00:31:13,986 --> 00:31:15,754
Did you hear about
the ratings?
794
00:31:15,754 --> 00:31:17,756
Yes,
I am the producer.
795
00:31:17,756 --> 00:31:20,258
Well, then did you hear that
corporate's coming next week
796
00:31:20,258 --> 00:31:21,760
to take me out to dinner?
797
00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:24,363
Oh. Well, let's hope you can
chew with your mouth closed.
798
00:31:24,363 --> 00:31:25,797
[CHUCKLES]
799
00:31:25,797 --> 00:31:27,132
Why do you hate my guts?
800
00:31:27,132 --> 00:31:29,418
Your innards are of
no consequence to me.
801
00:31:29,418 --> 00:31:30,635
It's what you represent.
802
00:31:30,635 --> 00:31:32,270
Oh, you hate the truth.
- Ha.
803
00:31:32,270 --> 00:31:34,572
Your skewed perception
of male-female interaction
804
00:31:34,572 --> 00:31:36,141
is not the truth.
805
00:31:36,141 --> 00:31:38,993
But your imaginary
boyfriend's the truth?
806
00:31:38,993 --> 00:31:42,347
For your information,
I happened to meet him.
807
00:31:42,347 --> 00:31:44,031
Mm. Well, I hope
he's real this time,
808
00:31:44,031 --> 00:31:45,700
because otherwise
this is just sad.
809
00:31:45,700 --> 00:31:48,035
Oh, he's real.
He's very real.
810
00:31:48,035 --> 00:31:51,506
Not to mention stunningly
handsome, morally sound.
811
00:31:51,506 --> 00:31:54,192
He's a surgeon.
An orthopedic surgeon.
812
00:31:54,192 --> 00:31:56,028
You know what that means.
- What?
813
00:31:56,028 --> 00:31:58,747
Had to stick his finger up
some guy's butt
814
00:31:58,747 --> 00:31:59,881
in medical school.
815
00:31:59,881 --> 00:32:01,349
You disgust me.
816
00:32:04,454 --> 00:32:07,356
So did Butt Boy ask you out?
817
00:32:07,356 --> 00:32:09,324
Not yet.
818
00:32:09,324 --> 00:32:10,992
We're taking things slow,
819
00:32:10,992 --> 00:32:12,594
getting to know
each other first.
820
00:32:12,594 --> 00:32:14,195
Why am I
talking to you about this?
821
00:32:14,195 --> 00:32:17,065
In other words,
he didn't actually ask you out.
822
00:32:23,539 --> 00:32:25,106
What are you doing?
823
00:32:26,292 --> 00:32:28,910
[LINE RINGING]
824
00:32:28,910 --> 00:32:30,828
WOMAN [ON PHONE]:
Doctor's office.
825
00:32:30,828 --> 00:32:33,265
Hi. This is Abby Richter
calling for Dr. Anderson.
826
00:32:33,265 --> 00:32:34,565
Please hold.
Yes, I'll hold.
827
00:32:34,565 --> 00:32:35,633
What are you doing?
- Shh!
828
00:32:35,633 --> 00:32:37,319
Why are you calling this guy?
- Shh.
829
00:32:37,319 --> 00:32:38,503
Shh.
- No.
830
00:32:38,503 --> 00:32:41,272
COLIN: Dr. Anderson.
Hi, Colin. This is Abby.
831
00:32:41,272 --> 00:32:43,541
Your neighbor
from last night.
832
00:32:45,211 --> 00:32:47,663
Hey. Everything okay?
833
00:32:47,663 --> 00:32:50,231
How's the, uh,
ankle treating you?
834
00:32:50,231 --> 00:32:52,434
Couldn't be better.
835
00:32:52,434 --> 00:32:54,602
I was just calling
to let you know
836
00:32:54,602 --> 00:32:57,071
how much I enjoyed
meeting you last night.
837
00:32:58,524 --> 00:32:59,925
Thanks.
838
00:33:01,761 --> 00:33:03,161
Uh,
and I was thinking we should
839
00:33:03,161 --> 00:33:04,328
go out for dinner sometime.
840
00:33:04,328 --> 00:33:05,514
Oh.
841
00:33:05,514 --> 00:33:08,233
There is a new
French bistro in town
842
00:33:08,233 --> 00:33:10,201
and an art opening
that got amazing reviews.
843
00:33:10,201 --> 00:33:11,702
[MOUTHING WORDS]
844
00:33:11,702 --> 00:33:14,856
So I was thinking
we could go on Friday.
845
00:33:14,856 --> 00:33:18,276
Um, Friday.
Oh. Wow.
846
00:33:18,276 --> 00:33:21,196
Would Saturday be better?
Actually,
847
00:33:21,196 --> 00:33:25,367
Abby, the thing is,
I haven't really settled in yet.
848
00:33:27,620 --> 00:33:28,636
What the hell
are you doing?
849
00:33:28,636 --> 00:33:30,455
I'm saving you.
He was blowing you off.
850
00:33:30,455 --> 00:33:31,973
He wasn't blowing me off!
851
00:33:31,973 --> 00:33:34,743
Don't. Okay, he'll be
expecting you to call him.
852
00:33:34,743 --> 00:33:36,811
And when you don't,
he'll call back.
853
00:33:36,811 --> 00:33:39,698
How do you know?
Because I know how men operate.
854
00:33:39,698 --> 00:33:42,016
If you want it to
work out with this guy,
855
00:33:42,016 --> 00:33:44,386
then you'll listen to me,
and you'll do exactly as I say.
856
00:33:44,386 --> 00:33:46,588
You've probably already done
irreparable damage
857
00:33:46,588 --> 00:33:49,424
with your psycho-aggressive
control-freak phone call.
858
00:33:49,424 --> 00:33:50,859
It might even be too late.
859
00:33:50,859 --> 00:33:52,427
And if you do salvage
the situation,
860
00:33:52,427 --> 00:33:54,362
you'll never be more than Abby,
861
00:33:54,362 --> 00:33:56,063
his desperate neighbor.
862
00:33:56,063 --> 00:33:58,316
I'm not desperate.
863
00:33:58,316 --> 00:34:00,736
Why? Did you think
I sounded desperate?
864
00:34:00,736 --> 00:34:02,504
Listen to you.
865
00:34:02,504 --> 00:34:05,073
Desperately asking me
if you sound desperate.
866
00:34:05,073 --> 00:34:07,342
[SIGHS]
[PHONE RINGING]
867
00:34:07,342 --> 00:34:09,360
Ah! Oh!
- Okay.
868
00:34:09,360 --> 00:34:11,529
Although you won't admit it,
869
00:34:11,529 --> 00:34:14,216
you know that I know
what I'm talking about.
870
00:34:14,216 --> 00:34:17,201
It's your call, dude.
871
00:34:17,201 --> 00:34:19,054
Fine. What do I do?
872
00:34:19,054 --> 00:34:20,705
Pick up and say, "Hey, Doug."
873
00:34:20,705 --> 00:34:23,358
Why would I--?
- Just do it.
874
00:34:23,358 --> 00:34:24,976
Hey, Doug.
875
00:34:24,976 --> 00:34:27,763
Uh, no.
This is Colin.
876
00:34:27,763 --> 00:34:30,214
Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry.
877
00:34:30,214 --> 00:34:31,600
[WHISPERS]
That's perfect.
878
00:34:31,600 --> 00:34:34,102
Uh, who's,
uh, Doug?
879
00:34:34,102 --> 00:34:35,837
[WHISPERS]
Who's Doug?
880
00:34:35,837 --> 00:34:38,440
He's just a guy I'm seeing.
It's nothing serious.
881
00:34:38,440 --> 00:34:41,693
Just a guy I'm seeing.
It's nothing serious.
882
00:34:41,693 --> 00:34:42,773
Oh, okay.
883
00:34:45,081 --> 00:34:46,948
Hang on a second.
- Hang on a second.
884
00:34:46,948 --> 00:34:47,799
Sure.
885
00:34:49,452 --> 00:34:50,818
Now what?
886
00:34:50,818 --> 00:34:51,920
Now just make him wait.
887
00:34:51,920 --> 00:34:53,888
If he's still holding
after three more seconds,
888
00:34:53,888 --> 00:34:55,323
you may
actually have a chance.
889
00:34:55,323 --> 00:34:56,924
No one's gonna wait
for somebody
890
00:34:56,924 --> 00:34:58,126
they're trying to blow off.
891
00:34:58,126 --> 00:34:59,878
You better
be right about this.
892
00:34:59,878 --> 00:35:00,978
Just give me a little time,
893
00:35:00,978 --> 00:35:02,547
I'm gonna make this guy
your bitch.
894
00:35:02,547 --> 00:35:04,749
I don't want a bitch.
Colin would never be a bitch.
895
00:35:04,749 --> 00:35:06,884
He is a well-rounded man
896
00:35:06,884 --> 00:35:10,688
capable of mature emotions
and deep, abiding love.
897
00:35:10,688 --> 00:35:12,891
Things which
you know not of.
898
00:35:12,891 --> 00:35:15,243
Maybe not.
But I do know about lust,
899
00:35:15,243 --> 00:35:16,544
seduction and manipulation.
900
00:35:16,544 --> 00:35:18,045
Things that you know not of.
901
00:35:19,682 --> 00:35:21,298
Abby, I'll make you a deal.
902
00:35:21,298 --> 00:35:24,069
If you do exactly as I say,
and you get this guy,
903
00:35:24,069 --> 00:35:27,355
then you'll quit giving me shit
and you'll work with me.
904
00:35:27,355 --> 00:35:30,508
You know as well as I do that
we could make this show huge.
905
00:35:30,508 --> 00:35:33,328
And if it doesn't work?
What do I get?
906
00:35:35,447 --> 00:35:36,998
Then I'll quit.
907
00:35:36,998 --> 00:35:39,167
You're really
that confident?
908
00:35:45,091 --> 00:35:47,192
It's been more than 30 seconds.
909
00:35:53,099 --> 00:35:55,934
All right, deal. Now what?
910
00:35:55,934 --> 00:35:57,936
Always make an impression.
911
00:35:57,936 --> 00:35:59,904
Let's get a move on.
We have work to do.
912
00:35:59,904 --> 00:36:02,240
But what about the--?
913
00:36:02,240 --> 00:36:04,342
In five seconds,
he'll call back. Come on.
914
00:36:04,342 --> 00:36:06,010
What are you,
Nostradamus?
915
00:36:06,010 --> 00:36:07,345
[PHONE RINGING]
916
00:36:07,345 --> 00:36:09,280
Amazing.
917
00:36:09,280 --> 00:36:10,749
[LAUGHS]
918
00:36:10,749 --> 00:36:13,801
Rule number one:
never criticize.
919
00:36:13,801 --> 00:36:16,471
Even if it's constructive?
Never.
920
00:36:16,471 --> 00:36:19,040
Men are incapable of growth,
change or progress.
921
00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:21,760
For men, self-improvement
ends at toilet training.
922
00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:23,828
Huh.
- Mm.
923
00:36:23,828 --> 00:36:26,731
And rule number two:
laugh at whatever he says.
924
00:36:26,731 --> 00:36:28,833
What if what he says
isn't funny?
925
00:36:28,833 --> 00:36:30,067
That's irrelevant.
926
00:36:30,067 --> 00:36:32,103
A fake laugh is like
a fake orgasm.
927
00:36:32,103 --> 00:36:33,221
A fake orgasm is good?
928
00:36:33,221 --> 00:36:35,941
No, but a fake orgasm
is better than no orgasm at all.
929
00:36:35,941 --> 00:36:38,543
A fake orgasm is no orgasm.
Only to you.
930
00:36:38,543 --> 00:36:41,196
You're not the only person
in the room, you know.
931
00:36:41,196 --> 00:36:43,315
Let's not be selfish.
[LAUGHS]
932
00:36:43,315 --> 00:36:45,033
Now, that was perfect.
933
00:36:45,033 --> 00:36:47,101
Real or fake?
934
00:36:47,101 --> 00:36:48,703
You'll never know.
935
00:36:48,703 --> 00:36:51,922
# My face to the sky
Dreaming about just how high #
936
00:36:51,922 --> 00:36:54,992
Rule number three:
men are very visual.
937
00:36:54,992 --> 00:36:57,028
We have to change your look.
938
00:36:57,028 --> 00:36:58,696
What's wrong with my look?
939
00:36:58,696 --> 00:37:01,566
Abby, you're a very
attractive woman,
940
00:37:01,566 --> 00:37:03,268
but you are completely
inaccessible.
941
00:37:03,268 --> 00:37:05,069
You're all about
comfort and efficiency.
942
00:37:05,069 --> 00:37:07,055
What's wrong with comfort
and efficiency?
943
00:37:07,055 --> 00:37:09,157
Well, nothing,
except no one wants to fuck it.
944
00:37:10,843 --> 00:37:13,461
Hello. May I be of assistance?
Yes, you may.
945
00:37:13,461 --> 00:37:15,263
We need cocktail dresses,
946
00:37:15,263 --> 00:37:18,166
tight jeans and some bras
that'll make my friend's breasts
947
00:37:18,166 --> 00:37:21,236
sit up and say hello.
948
00:37:21,236 --> 00:37:23,404
They're not saying hello now?
What are they saying?
949
00:37:23,404 --> 00:37:25,907
Actually, they're giving off
more of a passing nod
950
00:37:25,907 --> 00:37:27,943
rather than
an outright greeting.
951
00:37:27,943 --> 00:37:30,745
You know what?
Why don't you try this on?
952
00:37:30,745 --> 00:37:32,563
I think this would be wonderful.
Ha-ha!
953
00:37:32,563 --> 00:37:34,598
Now, that is a bra.
954
00:37:34,598 --> 00:37:36,600
Mm-hm.
Boobies in this thing say,
955
00:37:36,600 --> 00:37:39,303
"Put me in your mouth,
I taste good."
956
00:37:39,303 --> 00:37:42,473
I'm actually wearing one
right now as we speak.
957
00:37:44,310 --> 00:37:46,394
MIKE:
Length is very important.
958
00:37:46,394 --> 00:37:48,730
We need short enough
to see some thigh,
959
00:37:48,730 --> 00:37:51,465
but not so short to see vag.
960
00:37:51,465 --> 00:37:54,002
Mm. Vag says
you're trying too hard.
961
00:37:54,002 --> 00:37:55,336
You think?
962
00:37:55,336 --> 00:37:57,972
Jeans are all about
the curvature of the ass.
963
00:37:57,972 --> 00:38:00,041
You've-- Well,
you've got the raw materials.
964
00:38:00,041 --> 00:38:02,376
Now all you need is
the proper presentation.
965
00:38:02,376 --> 00:38:03,978
Did you just tell me
I have a nice ass?
966
00:38:03,978 --> 00:38:05,412
Do you always have
to be so crass?
967
00:38:05,412 --> 00:38:06,914
[SLAPS]
Oh!
968
00:38:06,914 --> 00:38:09,817
Rule number four:
never talk about your problems
969
00:38:09,817 --> 00:38:11,953
because men don't
really listen or care.
970
00:38:11,953 --> 00:38:14,789
Some men care.
No, some men pretend to care.
971
00:38:14,789 --> 00:38:17,324
When we ask you how you're
doing, it's just guy code for:
972
00:38:17,324 --> 00:38:18,793
"Let me stick
my dick in your ass."
973
00:38:18,793 --> 00:38:20,111
Ugh!
974
00:38:20,111 --> 00:38:22,480
Oh, I know you think
Colin is above it all,
975
00:38:22,480 --> 00:38:24,082
but trust me, he's a guy.
976
00:38:24,082 --> 00:38:26,651
If he's even remotely into you,
he's probably thought about
977
00:38:26,651 --> 00:38:28,987
each one of your orifices
at least 10 times.
978
00:38:28,987 --> 00:38:31,806
I love how you assume all men
are as perverse as you are.
979
00:38:31,806 --> 00:38:35,226
Oh, I don't assume.
I know.
980
00:38:35,226 --> 00:38:38,079
Wait. We need to make
one more stop.
981
00:38:38,079 --> 00:38:39,731
Why? I have tons of stuff.
982
00:38:39,731 --> 00:38:41,433
Nah, we have to make
your hair longer.
983
00:38:41,433 --> 00:38:43,868
Men like something to grab onto
other than your ass.
984
00:38:43,868 --> 00:38:46,037
My hair is fine. There's
nothing wrong with my hair.
985
00:38:46,037 --> 00:38:48,923
Abby, a ponytail implies
that you are either
986
00:38:48,923 --> 00:38:51,943
operating heavy machinery
or emptying the litter box.
987
00:38:51,943 --> 00:38:54,028
Neither of those things
inspires an erection.
988
00:38:54,028 --> 00:38:56,297
Why is it my responsibility
to inspire an erection?
989
00:38:56,297 --> 00:38:57,698
Why isn't that his job?
990
00:38:57,698 --> 00:38:58,999
Shut up.
991
00:39:02,154 --> 00:39:04,672
[FOOTSTEPS UPSTAIRS]
992
00:39:09,462 --> 00:39:10,212
[#]
993
00:39:18,437 --> 00:39:22,273
Well? What do you think?
994
00:39:22,273 --> 00:39:23,874
Uh... Not bad.
995
00:39:23,874 --> 00:39:25,577
I just--
996
00:39:25,577 --> 00:39:28,079
I don't wanna be perceived
as a bimbo. I mean--
997
00:39:28,079 --> 00:39:30,031
And I don't want you
to be a bimbo.
998
00:39:30,031 --> 00:39:33,017
You have to be two people:
the saint and the sinner.
999
00:39:33,017 --> 00:39:36,287
The librarian
and the stripper.
1000
00:39:36,287 --> 00:39:38,806
On the one hand,
you have to push the guy away
1001
00:39:38,806 --> 00:39:40,641
with a cold indifference,
1002
00:39:40,641 --> 00:39:45,212
on the other, you have to be
a sexually teasing tornado.
1003
00:39:46,415 --> 00:39:48,133
Now, we have to teach
you flirting.
1004
00:39:48,133 --> 00:39:49,283
I know how to flirt.
1005
00:39:49,283 --> 00:39:50,718
You know how to flirt?
1006
00:39:50,718 --> 00:39:53,488
"Oh, my name's Abby,
and I love reading Tolstoy.
1007
00:39:53,488 --> 00:39:56,891
I also love cats, gardening,
and romantic picnics."
1008
00:39:56,891 --> 00:39:58,559
I don't think so.
1009
00:39:58,559 --> 00:40:00,812
[IN DEEP VOICE] Hey, babe,
you wearing any underwear?
1010
00:40:00,812 --> 00:40:02,146
Hey, you know what?
1011
00:40:02,146 --> 00:40:04,048
I wouldn't say that,
and I wouldn't grab ass.
1012
00:40:04,048 --> 00:40:06,050
What's wrong
with a little ass-grabbing?
1013
00:40:06,050 --> 00:40:09,019
What's it there for if not to grab it?
- Oh!
1014
00:40:09,019 --> 00:40:11,389
You're just a set of orifices
and a pair of teetahs.
1015
00:40:11,389 --> 00:40:15,993
And you are a deeply,
deeply disturbed person.
1016
00:40:15,993 --> 00:40:20,331
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Hm. Maybe I'm just
a really good student.
1017
00:40:20,331 --> 00:40:22,700
Would you stop doing that?
- Doing what?
1018
00:40:22,700 --> 00:40:27,038
Uh, running your finger
down there.
1019
00:40:27,038 --> 00:40:28,239
Over me.
1020
00:40:28,239 --> 00:40:29,958
Why?
Is it turning you on?
1021
00:40:29,958 --> 00:40:31,743
[SCOFFS]
1022
00:40:31,743 --> 00:40:34,379
Maybe.
- Heh.
1023
00:40:34,379 --> 00:40:37,314
It's weird, I think
I kind of like it.
1024
00:40:37,314 --> 00:40:38,783
Really?
1025
00:40:40,051 --> 00:40:41,252
Sucker.
- Oh, I knew it.
1026
00:40:41,252 --> 00:40:43,320
Okay, no teaching the teacher.
Come on.
1027
00:40:43,320 --> 00:40:44,688
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
1028
00:40:44,688 --> 00:40:46,491
Who is it?
COLIN: It's Colin.
1029
00:40:46,491 --> 00:40:48,359
I'm not ready for this.
Am I ready for this?
1030
00:40:48,359 --> 00:40:51,095
I'm not ready for this.
- Calm down. Shh!
1031
00:40:51,095 --> 00:40:53,731
Okay. Keep the conversation
under a minute. Now go.
1032
00:40:53,731 --> 00:40:56,851
Under a minute? Under a minute.
- Yes.
1033
00:40:56,851 --> 00:41:00,087
No, wait, wait, wait.
Come here, come here.
1034
00:41:00,087 --> 00:41:02,290
You're such an asshole.
1035
00:41:03,992 --> 00:41:06,260
Hi.
- Hey.
1036
00:41:06,260 --> 00:41:09,214
Wow, you look great.
ABBY: Oh, thanks.
1037
00:41:09,214 --> 00:41:11,482
Yeah, I was just
doing the dishes.
1038
00:41:11,482 --> 00:41:14,135
What happened to you today?
What do you mean?
1039
00:41:14,135 --> 00:41:16,337
you put me on hold
and you never called back.
1040
00:41:16,337 --> 00:41:18,806
Oh, my God. Was that you?
- Yeah.
1041
00:41:18,806 --> 00:41:21,275
I'm so sorry.
- Ah, it's okay.
1042
00:41:22,728 --> 00:41:25,062
Uh, Colin, would you mind
giving me a call later?
1043
00:41:25,062 --> 00:41:27,482
I'm just so busy.
Gotta get back to those dishes.
1044
00:41:27,482 --> 00:41:29,634
COLIN: Abby, wait.
- What now?
1045
00:41:30,953 --> 00:41:33,988
No, that's good.
Now make him suffer.
1046
00:41:33,988 --> 00:41:35,223
Make him suffer. Suffer.
1047
00:41:35,223 --> 00:41:37,425
COLIN: Abby, I was wondering
if you'd like to go
1048
00:41:37,425 --> 00:41:39,694
to the Devils game
with me on Saturday.
1049
00:41:44,283 --> 00:41:46,584
[SQUEALING QUIETLY]
1050
00:41:46,584 --> 00:41:48,903
MAN:
Go, Comets!
1051
00:41:49,821 --> 00:41:51,456
ANNOUNCER [ON PA]:
He delivers it.
1052
00:41:51,456 --> 00:41:53,407
[ALL CHEERING]
1053
00:41:56,828 --> 00:41:59,897
MIKE [OVER RADIO]: Okay, I have a visual.
Nod if you can hear me.
1054
00:42:02,101 --> 00:42:04,886
Just relax.
It's gonna be fine.
1055
00:42:04,886 --> 00:42:07,070
Now, do exactly
what I tell you,
1056
00:42:07,070 --> 00:42:09,072
and when
I tell you to do it. Okay?
1057
00:42:10,726 --> 00:42:14,095
You follow baseball?
Do something noncommittal.
1058
00:42:16,131 --> 00:42:17,381
Eh. Ha-ha-ha.
1059
00:42:17,381 --> 00:42:18,983
You okay?
1060
00:42:18,983 --> 00:42:20,418
I'm fine.
1061
00:42:20,418 --> 00:42:22,636
That was a little over the top,
but nice try.
1062
00:42:22,636 --> 00:42:26,457
Well, thanks.
- For what?
1063
00:42:26,457 --> 00:42:27,575
[CHUCKLES]
1064
00:42:27,575 --> 00:42:30,495
Well, thanks for being you.
1065
00:42:30,495 --> 00:42:33,298
Mm-hm.
- You're welcome.
1066
00:42:33,298 --> 00:42:34,882
[CROWD CHEERING]
1067
00:42:42,207 --> 00:42:43,641
Excuse me.
1068
00:42:44,843 --> 00:42:47,812
Oh, my God.
You're Mike Chadway.
1069
00:42:47,812 --> 00:42:49,213
I love you.
1070
00:42:49,213 --> 00:42:52,066
Hey, buddy, what the hell?
- Dude, what the fuck?
1071
00:42:52,066 --> 00:42:53,701
Dude, what the fuck?
- What?
1072
00:42:53,701 --> 00:42:55,503
MIKE: No, no, no.
I'm not talking to you.
1073
00:42:55,503 --> 00:42:58,823
I'm not talking to you.
Okay, did I do something wrong?
1074
00:42:58,823 --> 00:43:00,474
[CLEARS THROAT]
1075
00:43:00,474 --> 00:43:01,976
No, stop. Listen.
1076
00:43:01,976 --> 00:43:05,496
Tell him you saw him
looking at another girl.
1077
00:43:05,496 --> 00:43:06,981
I-I saw you.
1078
00:43:06,981 --> 00:43:08,783
I saw you
looking at another girl.
1079
00:43:08,783 --> 00:43:11,786
Who?
- That girl, right there.
1080
00:43:11,786 --> 00:43:13,755
I was trying to get us
a couple hot dogs.
1081
00:43:13,755 --> 00:43:17,675
Oh. Okay.
- Two. Thank you.
1082
00:43:17,675 --> 00:43:20,394
Okay, we need a quick recovery.
1083
00:43:20,394 --> 00:43:21,596
Um...
1084
00:43:21,596 --> 00:43:23,931
Make sure you put the hot dog
1085
00:43:23,931 --> 00:43:27,301
in your mouth nice and slowly.
1086
00:43:29,355 --> 00:43:30,972
Men like watching
1087
00:43:30,972 --> 00:43:34,075
penis-shaped food
go into a girl's mouth.
1088
00:43:34,075 --> 00:43:35,426
Oh!
- Oh!
1089
00:43:36,362 --> 00:43:37,895
I'm so sorry.
1090
00:43:37,895 --> 00:43:40,030
Oh, God. I'm so, so sorry.
- No, it's okay. Really.
1091
00:43:40,030 --> 00:43:42,400
You know, I can get this out.
I'm sure I can.
1092
00:43:42,400 --> 00:43:44,685
What kind of fabric is this?
- I don't know. Cotton?
1093
00:43:44,685 --> 00:43:46,321
Cotton. Ooh. Cotton's the worst.
1094
00:43:46,321 --> 00:43:48,573
Well, actually,
leather's the worst.
1095
00:43:48,573 --> 00:43:50,007
After that would be suede.
- Okay.
1096
00:43:50,007 --> 00:43:51,876
I think I can get it out.
MIKE: Abby.
1097
00:43:51,876 --> 00:43:54,044
ABBY:
Oh, look, hold on. It's coming!
1098
00:43:55,364 --> 00:43:59,016
[CROWD CHEERING]
1099
00:44:03,956 --> 00:44:06,007
Where?
- There. Right there.
1100
00:44:06,007 --> 00:44:08,926
MIKE: Abby? Abby, you might
want to look up.
1101
00:44:08,926 --> 00:44:11,662
[ORGAN PLAYING "CHARGE"]
1102
00:44:14,165 --> 00:44:16,133
MIKE:
Way to go, Abby.
1103
00:44:19,571 --> 00:44:21,989
[WHISPERING]
Okay, I got you. I'm in position.
1104
00:44:21,989 --> 00:44:23,374
Can't say today
was boring.
1105
00:44:23,374 --> 00:44:24,759
You're being nice.
1106
00:44:24,759 --> 00:44:27,194
I embarrassed you.
- No.
1107
00:44:27,194 --> 00:44:29,781
You're just, uh,
not what I'm used to.
1108
00:44:29,781 --> 00:44:31,249
I know.
1109
00:44:31,249 --> 00:44:33,117
No, actually,
it's a good thing.
1110
00:44:33,117 --> 00:44:35,920
I'm used to women I can
figure out in five seconds.
1111
00:44:35,920 --> 00:44:38,039
But I can't
do that with you.
1112
00:44:38,039 --> 00:44:41,775
MIKE: He's an idiot.
I figured you out in two.
1113
00:44:41,775 --> 00:44:44,411
Now, tell him good night
and stick your tits out.
1114
00:44:44,411 --> 00:44:46,631
We're gonna give
this one last shot.
1115
00:44:46,631 --> 00:44:48,566
Well, good night then.
1116
00:44:52,805 --> 00:44:53,555
[#]
1117
00:44:59,978 --> 00:45:02,230
That definitely made up
for my wet crotch.
1118
00:45:02,230 --> 00:45:03,597
Ha. Me too.
1119
00:45:03,597 --> 00:45:05,483
No, scratch that.
I didn't have one.
1120
00:45:05,483 --> 00:45:07,435
Yeah. Ha-ha.
1121
00:45:07,435 --> 00:45:08,886
I'll see you later.
- Yeah.
1122
00:45:08,886 --> 00:45:10,037
Okay.
- Bye.
1123
00:45:10,037 --> 00:45:11,406
Bye.
1124
00:45:13,708 --> 00:45:14,909
Night.
1125
00:45:14,909 --> 00:45:16,594
Night.
1126
00:45:20,815 --> 00:45:22,015
Oh!
1127
00:45:24,753 --> 00:45:26,421
[LAUGHING]
1128
00:45:26,421 --> 00:45:28,172
You did it! You did it!
You did it!
1129
00:45:28,172 --> 00:45:29,439
I didn't do anything.
You did!
1130
00:45:29,439 --> 00:45:30,708
It was you.
- No.
1131
00:45:30,708 --> 00:45:33,895
I mean, don't ask me why,
but I think he likes you.
1132
00:45:33,895 --> 00:45:37,014
He's such a great guy, right?
- Yeah, he's dreamy.
1133
00:45:37,014 --> 00:45:39,684
Yeah. And he fits all 10
of the criteria on my checklist.
1134
00:45:39,684 --> 00:45:41,719
Right. Though weren't items
one through nine
1135
00:45:41,719 --> 00:45:43,905
something to do with him
pretty much being gay?
1136
00:45:43,905 --> 00:45:45,038
[SIGHS]
1137
00:45:45,038 --> 00:45:46,440
I'm gonna ignore that,
1138
00:45:46,440 --> 00:45:48,659
because I am in such
a good mood.
1139
00:45:48,659 --> 00:45:52,413
Yeah, I heard. Wet crotch.
1140
00:45:52,413 --> 00:45:53,163
[#]
1141
00:46:03,292 --> 00:46:05,509
Of all the primates,
bonobo monkeys
1142
00:46:05,509 --> 00:46:07,878
are the closest relatives
to human beings
1143
00:46:07,878 --> 00:46:10,147
both genetically and socially.
1144
00:46:10,147 --> 00:46:13,050
Especially when
it comes to sex.
1145
00:46:13,050 --> 00:46:14,952
They use sex
as a way to end an argument.
1146
00:46:14,952 --> 00:46:17,188
One of my favorite
techniques as well.
1147
00:46:17,188 --> 00:46:19,841
In fact, when they come upon
a new food source,
1148
00:46:19,841 --> 00:46:22,677
they have a gangbang
in order to decrease tension--
1149
00:46:22,677 --> 00:46:25,313
Small person on-set.
- Thanks.
1150
00:46:25,313 --> 00:46:27,764
MIKE: --which is something
we humans should look into.
1151
00:46:27,764 --> 00:46:29,966
No, no, no.
This is not for children.
1152
00:46:29,966 --> 00:46:31,535
It's okay. I know him.
1153
00:46:31,535 --> 00:46:33,136
You do?
- Yeah.
1154
00:46:33,136 --> 00:46:36,073
MIKE: --sit on their asses all day
and boss their men around.
1155
00:46:36,073 --> 00:46:40,044
Sounds like a great argument
for evolution if you ask me.
1156
00:46:40,044 --> 00:46:42,747
And that, my friends,
is the ugly truth.
1157
00:46:42,747 --> 00:46:44,382
MAN:
And we're wrapped.
1158
00:46:44,382 --> 00:46:45,682
Heh-heh.
Great job, Mike.
1159
00:46:45,682 --> 00:46:47,168
Thank you.
See you guys later.
1160
00:46:47,168 --> 00:46:49,003
[LARRY CHUCKLES]
1161
00:46:49,003 --> 00:46:51,038
Yeah, I've got an adult
male bonobo monkey
1162
00:46:51,038 --> 00:46:52,340
in my pants.
1163
00:46:52,340 --> 00:46:54,175
I'd like to see that.
1164
00:46:55,243 --> 00:46:56,844
Hey. What are you
doing here?
1165
00:46:56,844 --> 00:47:00,565
I told you no watching
the show, especially live.
1166
00:47:00,565 --> 00:47:02,400
JONAH:
I need some emergency advice.
1167
00:47:02,400 --> 00:47:04,735
Tracy McIvor asked me
to the Sadie Hawkins dance.
1168
00:47:04,735 --> 00:47:07,188
Is it dorky if I say yes?
1169
00:47:07,188 --> 00:47:08,338
Dorky?
1170
00:47:08,338 --> 00:47:11,325
Hell, no. Are you kidding?
1171
00:47:11,325 --> 00:47:14,612
You're ahead of the game.
Women are coming to you.
1172
00:47:14,612 --> 00:47:16,931
You know
how cool that is?
1173
00:47:16,931 --> 00:47:19,433
Relish
this moment, okay?
1174
00:47:19,433 --> 00:47:21,836
Now get the hell out of here.
I'll see you at 5.
1175
00:47:21,836 --> 00:47:23,170
Okay.
- We'll celebrate.
1176
00:47:23,170 --> 00:47:25,239
JONAH:
Don't forget the pizza, King Kong.
1177
00:47:25,239 --> 00:47:27,942
Hey, have I ever?
1178
00:47:27,942 --> 00:47:29,744
He lives with you?
1179
00:47:29,744 --> 00:47:32,980
Well, next door, with my sister.
1180
00:47:32,980 --> 00:47:34,682
Oh.
He's my nephew.
1181
00:47:34,682 --> 00:47:35,883
Oh.
1182
00:47:35,883 --> 00:47:37,552
Cute kid.
- Yeah.
1183
00:47:37,552 --> 00:47:39,954
Here, uh, do me.
1184
00:47:39,954 --> 00:47:41,656
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
1185
00:47:41,656 --> 00:47:43,357
Okay. So guess what.
- What?
1186
00:47:43,357 --> 00:47:46,293
Colin called, he wants
to get together again.
1187
00:47:48,030 --> 00:47:49,363
Oh, Lord.
1188
00:47:49,363 --> 00:47:53,568
Um, so how long should I wait
to have sex with him?
1189
00:47:53,568 --> 00:47:55,703
Well, the more you
make him beg for it,
1190
00:47:55,703 --> 00:47:58,039
the more you're gonna
keep him on the hook.
1191
00:47:58,039 --> 00:48:00,975
So do everything else but.
1192
00:48:00,975 --> 00:48:04,612
But then show him
1193
00:48:04,612 --> 00:48:07,982
that beneath that control-freak
exterior of yours,
1194
00:48:07,982 --> 00:48:11,518
that there's a sexual deviant
waiting to be unleashed.
1195
00:48:11,518 --> 00:48:15,022
No. No, I'm not
a sexual deviant. Mm-mm.
1196
00:48:15,022 --> 00:48:16,457
Good point.
1197
00:48:16,457 --> 00:48:19,093
I'm guessing you've been
out of practice for what,
1198
00:48:19,093 --> 00:48:21,729
a year?
- No.
1199
00:48:21,729 --> 00:48:23,798
Eleven months.
- God.
1200
00:48:23,798 --> 00:48:26,400
Eleven months.
How do you live? Come on.
1201
00:48:26,400 --> 00:48:27,150
[#]
1202
00:48:28,103 --> 00:48:30,605
So how often do you, uh...?
1203
00:48:30,605 --> 00:48:32,740
Do I what?
1204
00:48:32,740 --> 00:48:34,942
Do I what?
- You know,
1205
00:48:36,010 --> 00:48:37,495
flick the bean?
1206
00:48:37,495 --> 00:48:38,746
What bean?
1207
00:48:38,746 --> 00:48:41,882
Your bean. Flick it. Down there.
- Oh!
1208
00:48:41,882 --> 00:48:44,034
Gross! That's what you call it?
What is wrong with you?
1209
00:48:44,034 --> 00:48:46,169
No, well, actually,
I call it masturbating,
1210
00:48:46,169 --> 00:48:48,238
but I thought that might
offend your delicate
1211
00:48:48,238 --> 00:48:51,141
ladylike sensibilities.
1212
00:48:51,141 --> 00:48:53,561
So how often do you flick it?
- I don't know.
1213
00:48:53,561 --> 00:48:55,045
How often do you flick it?
1214
00:48:55,045 --> 00:48:58,482
You're only asking me that so
you can picture me flicking mine
1215
00:48:58,482 --> 00:49:00,434
while you flick yours.
- Oh, no.
1216
00:49:00,434 --> 00:49:02,519
I would never picture you
while I do that,
1217
00:49:02,519 --> 00:49:03,754
which is
not something I do.
1218
00:49:03,754 --> 00:49:05,823
I don't do that, not ever.
- Yes, you would.
1219
00:49:05,823 --> 00:49:07,324
No. No. No.
- Never?
1220
00:49:07,324 --> 00:49:09,827
I find it impersonal.
1221
00:49:09,827 --> 00:49:11,561
Abby, what could be
more personal
1222
00:49:11,561 --> 00:49:13,347
than you
flicking your bean?
1223
00:49:13,347 --> 00:49:15,332
I just don't see myself
that way, okay?
1224
00:49:15,332 --> 00:49:18,235
Okay, well, I do.
Come here. Ahem.
1225
00:49:19,187 --> 00:49:20,821
Well, you better start.
1226
00:49:20,821 --> 00:49:23,290
Because if you don't
wanna have sex with you,
1227
00:49:23,290 --> 00:49:25,426
why the hell would Colin?
- Hm.
1228
00:49:39,174 --> 00:49:41,008
[SIGHS]
1229
00:49:41,008 --> 00:49:43,910
What is this?
What is this, baby?
1230
00:49:45,314 --> 00:49:46,347
[D'ARTAGNAN MEOWS]
1231
00:49:46,347 --> 00:49:48,165
What? What, baby?
1232
00:49:48,165 --> 00:49:48,915
[#]
1233
00:49:52,403 --> 00:49:56,223
What is this?
What is this, D'Artagnan?
1234
00:49:58,360 --> 00:50:00,244
"Astrea 1."
1235
00:50:00,244 --> 00:50:02,012
[SCOFFS]
1236
00:50:02,012 --> 00:50:06,000
Oh. "Vibrating brief." Wow.
1237
00:50:06,000 --> 00:50:06,750
[#]
1238
00:50:13,525 --> 00:50:15,358
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
1239
00:50:20,632 --> 00:50:21,999
[SIGHS]
1240
00:50:23,418 --> 00:50:24,969
Great.
1241
00:50:28,573 --> 00:50:29,640
[SIGHS]
1242
00:50:35,046 --> 00:50:35,796
[#]
1243
00:50:47,392 --> 00:50:48,959
[MEOWS]
1244
00:50:52,998 --> 00:50:54,365
[MEOWS]
1245
00:51:02,073 --> 00:51:02,913
[MEOWS]
1246
00:51:04,709 --> 00:51:06,760
[DOORBELL RINGS]
1247
00:51:06,760 --> 00:51:09,129
He said he was running late.
1248
00:51:09,129 --> 00:51:11,966
Ugh. What is he
doing here already?
1249
00:51:11,966 --> 00:51:13,801
[SIGHS]
1250
00:51:16,554 --> 00:51:17,888
[SIGHS]
1251
00:51:22,694 --> 00:51:25,212
Good, you're ready.
For what?
1252
00:51:25,212 --> 00:51:27,081
The dinner
with corporate.
1253
00:51:27,081 --> 00:51:28,632
Didn't you get my e-mail?
- No.
1254
00:51:28,632 --> 00:51:31,368
And I can't.
I have a date with Colin.
1255
00:51:31,368 --> 00:51:33,103
You can't go because
you have a date?
1256
00:51:33,103 --> 00:51:36,373
You have no idea how hard
those are for her to get.
1257
00:51:38,409 --> 00:51:40,528
Well, then let's pick
him up on the way.
1258
00:51:40,528 --> 00:51:42,629
Come on, let's go.
Right now.
1259
00:51:42,629 --> 00:51:44,331
MIKE: Come on.
Come on, let's go.
1260
00:51:45,851 --> 00:51:47,934
Sorry to hijack
your date, brother.
1261
00:51:47,934 --> 00:51:50,371
No worries.
You're a producer as well?
1262
00:51:50,371 --> 00:51:52,839
No, dude,
I'm the talent.
1263
00:51:52,839 --> 00:51:55,175
So you're, uh--
You're an anchor, then?
1264
00:51:55,175 --> 00:51:57,511
No, I do
The Ugly Truth.
1265
00:51:57,511 --> 00:51:59,613
Hasn't he ever seen
our show?
1266
00:51:59,613 --> 00:52:00,998
Come on, Stuart.
1267
00:52:00,998 --> 00:52:03,833
Our show's way too
low-brow for Colin.
1268
00:52:03,833 --> 00:52:06,203
He's a doctor.
- Yes.
1269
00:52:06,203 --> 00:52:07,588
That's right, he is.
1270
00:52:07,588 --> 00:52:09,690
He doesn't wanna hear about
things like implants
1271
00:52:09,690 --> 00:52:11,458
and oral sex.
1272
00:52:11,458 --> 00:52:13,126
You talk about oral sex?
[LAUGHS]
1273
00:52:13,126 --> 00:52:14,828
Oh, look, we're here.
1274
00:52:14,828 --> 00:52:15,578
[#]
1275
00:52:16,765 --> 00:52:19,166
You invited
the Jell-O twins?
1276
00:52:19,166 --> 00:52:20,768
Yeah. I thought
it was good thinking.
1277
00:52:20,768 --> 00:52:22,503
Well, it certainly
can't hurt.
1278
00:52:22,503 --> 00:52:25,805
Ladies,
you look quite fetching.
1279
00:52:25,805 --> 00:52:27,841
[ALL CHUCKLING]
1280
00:52:29,410 --> 00:52:30,911
STUART:
Hey, hey, the gang's all here.
1281
00:52:30,911 --> 00:52:32,145
BOB:
Hey.
1282
00:52:32,145 --> 00:52:34,415
Harold, Bob, you remember Abby.
Hi. And this is--
1283
00:52:34,415 --> 00:52:36,400
And we all know Mike Chadway.
1284
00:52:36,400 --> 00:52:38,102
And who are these
lovely ladies?
1285
00:52:38,102 --> 00:52:41,337
Something tells me we won't be
talking about the news tonight.
1286
00:52:41,337 --> 00:52:42,639
That's right.
1287
00:52:42,639 --> 00:52:43,807
[ALL LAUGHING]
1288
00:52:43,807 --> 00:52:45,809
STUART:
Our table's waiting. Shall we?
1289
00:52:45,809 --> 00:52:46,760
Come this way.
1290
00:52:46,760 --> 00:52:48,312
You're doing
a hell of a job.
1291
00:52:48,312 --> 00:52:50,180
MIKE:
Yeah, I couldn't agree more.
1292
00:52:50,180 --> 00:52:52,098
[MEN LAUGHING]
1293
00:52:52,098 --> 00:52:54,384
BOB: That's a good one, huh?
STUART: That is funny.
1294
00:52:54,384 --> 00:52:55,753
HAROLD:
Thank you.
1295
00:52:58,957 --> 00:53:01,008
[MIKE DRUMS HANDS ON TABLE]
1296
00:53:01,008 --> 00:53:03,777
So you guys here
to give me a raise or what?
1297
00:53:06,264 --> 00:53:07,014
Ow!
1298
00:53:07,682 --> 00:53:08,966
[MEN LAUGHING]
1299
00:53:08,966 --> 00:53:12,036
Oh, that's my guy,
always with the jokes.
1300
00:53:12,036 --> 00:53:15,389
[MEN LAUGHING]
1301
00:53:15,389 --> 00:53:17,308
Yeah.
1302
00:53:17,308 --> 00:53:19,693
ABBY:
Yeah. Right.
1303
00:53:19,693 --> 00:53:23,030
No, really,
we are very excited
1304
00:53:23,030 --> 00:53:25,266
about this year's rating
increases. And we're hoping
1305
00:53:25,266 --> 00:53:27,735
that in the next quarter, we--
[BUZZING]
1306
00:53:27,735 --> 00:53:29,419
Oh, God.
What's wrong?
1307
00:53:29,419 --> 00:53:30,988
Nothing. Nothing.
1308
00:53:30,988 --> 00:53:32,873
[ABBY CHUCKLES]
1309
00:53:32,873 --> 00:53:36,410
Um... Could you excuse me?
1310
00:53:36,410 --> 00:53:39,379
Shit.
- Sorry, she's...
1311
00:53:39,379 --> 00:53:43,217
[BUZZING CONTINUES]
1312
00:53:43,217 --> 00:53:46,253
What are you doing?
I'm looking for the remote.
1313
00:53:46,253 --> 00:53:49,322
What remote?
- For the-- Oh!
1314
00:53:51,259 --> 00:53:53,727
The underwear.
1315
00:53:53,727 --> 00:53:54,728
What?
1316
00:53:54,728 --> 00:53:57,664
You're wearing them now?
1317
00:53:57,664 --> 00:53:58,766
[MOANS]
1318
00:53:58,766 --> 00:54:00,467
Oh! Wow.
1319
00:54:00,467 --> 00:54:02,102
Are you okay?
- Yeah.
1320
00:54:02,102 --> 00:54:03,787
[LAUGHS]
1321
00:54:03,787 --> 00:54:04,905
[CLEARS THROAT]
1322
00:54:04,905 --> 00:54:07,775
Yeah.
[BUZZING CONTINUES]
1323
00:54:07,775 --> 00:54:12,696
Mm. This ceviche, it's so good.
1324
00:54:12,696 --> 00:54:17,501
Quite possibly the best
I have ever tasted. Oh.
1325
00:54:17,501 --> 00:54:19,353
Yeah. I'm gonna ask the chef
for the recipe.
1326
00:54:19,353 --> 00:54:20,754
STUART:
Abby, uh, hold on.
1327
00:54:20,754 --> 00:54:23,207
Tell Harold about
the new teaser campaign
1328
00:54:23,207 --> 00:54:26,043
we're starting next week.
You're gonna love this.
1329
00:54:26,043 --> 00:54:29,296
ABBY:
Sure. Sure, sure, sure.
1330
00:54:29,296 --> 00:54:31,548
[CHUCKLES]
1331
00:54:31,548 --> 00:54:33,384
[CLEARS THROAT]
1332
00:54:33,384 --> 00:54:37,855
Well, they're, uh--
They're 15 seconds
1333
00:54:37,855 --> 00:54:41,609
every hour, on the hour.
1334
00:54:41,609 --> 00:54:44,028
Yep. Yep, yep.
1335
00:54:44,028 --> 00:54:45,595
[MOANS]
1336
00:54:45,595 --> 00:54:48,365
They're so,
1337
00:54:48,365 --> 00:54:50,000
so...
1338
00:54:50,000 --> 00:54:53,954
You tell them, Mike.
You should tell them. Yes, yes.
1339
00:54:53,954 --> 00:54:55,706
[BREATHLESSLY]
Yes, you tell them.
1340
00:54:55,706 --> 00:54:57,691
Actually,
I was really enjoying
1341
00:54:57,691 --> 00:55:00,494
the way you were
telling them. It was great.
1342
00:55:02,163 --> 00:55:05,299
You were--
You were telling them.
1343
00:55:05,299 --> 00:55:07,001
What's in ceviche?
1344
00:55:07,001 --> 00:55:07,841
[MOANS]
1345
00:55:09,804 --> 00:55:11,138
They're, um--
1346
00:55:11,138 --> 00:55:14,958
They're unlike anything
you have ever felt.
1347
00:55:14,958 --> 00:55:16,427
Amazing.
1348
00:55:16,427 --> 00:55:18,095
And they're of--
1349
00:55:18,095 --> 00:55:20,731
Of Mike telling an ugly truth,
1350
00:55:20,731 --> 00:55:22,232
and they are just so--
1351
00:55:22,232 --> 00:55:24,318
So cutting-edge.
1352
00:55:24,318 --> 00:55:25,903
[BUZZING INTENSIFIES]
1353
00:55:25,903 --> 00:55:27,771
So-- So fantastic.
So fantastic!
1354
00:55:27,771 --> 00:55:30,090
Oh, God!
Oh, it's so, so great!
1355
00:55:30,090 --> 00:55:33,393
Oh, God. Yeah!
You're gonna love them.
1356
00:55:33,393 --> 00:55:35,029
[BUZZING STOPS]
[SIGHS]
1357
00:55:35,029 --> 00:55:36,864
[CHUCKLES]
1358
00:55:36,864 --> 00:55:39,166
Well, gotta love her
enthusiasm, right?
1359
00:55:39,166 --> 00:55:40,550
[ALL CHUCKLE]
1360
00:55:40,550 --> 00:55:42,670
[SIGHS]
1361
00:55:42,670 --> 00:55:46,723
I'm gonna use the restroom,
1362
00:55:46,723 --> 00:55:49,159
if you'll excuse me.
1363
00:55:51,345 --> 00:55:54,080
Sorry, buddy, that's my toy.
1364
00:55:55,617 --> 00:55:57,551
Did you know
he had it the whole time?
1365
00:55:57,551 --> 00:56:00,954
Not the whole time,
just part of the time.
1366
00:56:00,954 --> 00:56:03,056
I figured I should
let you finish.
1367
00:56:03,056 --> 00:56:04,625
How kind.
1368
00:56:04,625 --> 00:56:07,311
So thanks for coming tonight.
1369
00:56:07,311 --> 00:56:08,645
To dinner.
1370
00:56:08,645 --> 00:56:10,847
That kind of coming.
- Mm-hm.
1371
00:56:14,152 --> 00:56:17,954
He likes you, by the way.
Colin.
1372
00:56:17,954 --> 00:56:19,123
I can tell.
1373
00:56:19,123 --> 00:56:20,174
Really?
1374
00:56:20,174 --> 00:56:21,992
COLIN:
We ready to go?
1375
00:56:21,992 --> 00:56:23,042
Yeah.
1376
00:56:23,042 --> 00:56:25,211
I know Abby is.
- Great.
1377
00:56:25,211 --> 00:56:26,747
Let's go.
1378
00:56:26,747 --> 00:56:28,982
Take care. Thanks.
- Okay.
1379
00:56:28,982 --> 00:56:29,732
[#]
1380
00:56:34,722 --> 00:56:36,456
[SIGHS]
1381
00:56:36,456 --> 00:56:38,792
Well, that went well,
I think.
1382
00:56:38,792 --> 00:56:40,427
Sure did. Let's get a drink.
- Yeah.
1383
00:56:40,427 --> 00:56:41,828
Bob and Harold...
1384
00:56:41,828 --> 00:56:44,848
[NATASHA BEDINGFIELD'S
"POCKETFUL OF SUNSHINE" PLAYING]
1385
00:56:44,848 --> 00:56:47,017
# I got a pocket
Got a pocketful of sunshine #
1386
00:56:47,017 --> 00:56:50,270
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
1387
00:56:50,270 --> 00:56:53,574
# Oh, whoa #
1388
00:56:53,574 --> 00:56:55,425
# Do what you want
But you never gonna break me #
1389
00:56:55,425 --> 00:56:57,711
# Sticks and stones
Are never gonna shake me #
1390
00:56:57,711 --> 00:57:01,448
# No, oh, whoa, oh #
1391
00:57:01,448 --> 00:57:03,416
# Take me away #
# Take me away #
1392
00:57:03,416 --> 00:57:05,652
# A secret place #
# A secret place #
1393
00:57:05,652 --> 00:57:07,821
# A sweet escape #
# A sweet escape #
1394
00:57:07,821 --> 00:57:10,090
# Take me away #
# Take me away #
1395
00:57:10,090 --> 00:57:12,092
# Take me away #
# Take me away #
1396
00:57:12,092 --> 00:57:14,361
# To better days #
# To better days #
1397
00:57:14,361 --> 00:57:16,730
# Take me away #
# Take me away #
1398
00:57:16,730 --> 00:57:19,582
# A hiding place #
# A hiding place #
1399
00:57:19,582 --> 00:57:21,718
# I got a pocket
Got a pocketful of sunshine #
1400
00:57:21,718 --> 00:57:23,837
# I got a love and
I know that it's all mine #
1401
00:57:23,837 --> 00:57:26,473
# Oh, whoa, oh #
1402
00:57:28,142 --> 00:57:30,310
# Do what you want
But you never gonna break me #
1403
00:57:30,310 --> 00:57:32,946
# Sticks and stones
Are never gonna shake me #
1404
00:57:32,946 --> 00:57:36,833
# Oh, oh, whoa, oh #
1405
00:57:36,833 --> 00:57:39,102
# Wish that you could
But you ain't gonna own me #
1406
00:57:39,102 --> 00:57:41,304
# Do anything
You can to control me #
1407
00:57:41,304 --> 00:57:44,758
# No, oh, no #
1408
00:57:44,758 --> 00:57:47,076
# Take me away #
# Take me away #
1409
00:57:47,076 --> 00:57:49,412
# A secret place #
# A secret place #
1410
00:57:49,412 --> 00:57:51,665
# A sweet escape #
# A sweet escape #
1411
00:57:51,665 --> 00:57:53,800
# Take me away #
# Take me away #
1412
00:57:53,800 --> 00:57:55,802
# Take me away #
# Take me away #
1413
00:57:55,802 --> 00:57:58,422
# To better days #
# To better days #
1414
00:57:58,422 --> 00:58:00,557
# Take me away #
# Take me away #
1415
00:58:00,557 --> 00:58:03,276
# A hiding place #
# A hiding place #
1416
00:58:07,882 --> 00:58:10,217
# The sun is on my side #
1417
00:58:10,217 --> 00:58:12,486
# Take me for a ride #
1418
00:58:12,486 --> 00:58:14,521
# I smile up to the sky #
1419
00:58:14,521 --> 00:58:16,623
# I know I'll be all right #
1420
00:58:16,623 --> 00:58:18,492
# The sun is on my side #
1421
00:58:18,492 --> 00:58:19,993
# Take me for a ride #
1422
00:58:19,993 --> 00:58:22,762
Oh, my God. For me?
1423
00:58:22,762 --> 00:58:25,665
Oh, my God,
he sent you flowers!
1424
00:58:25,665 --> 00:58:28,135
[BOTH SHRIEKING]
1425
00:58:28,135 --> 00:58:31,020
# A sweet escape #
# A sweet escape #
1426
00:58:31,020 --> 00:58:33,256
# Take me away #
# Take me away #
1427
00:58:33,256 --> 00:58:35,191
# Take me away #
# Take me away #
1428
00:58:35,191 --> 00:58:37,411
# A secret place #
# A secret place #
1429
00:58:37,411 --> 00:58:39,413
# To better days #
# To better days #
1430
00:58:39,413 --> 00:58:41,881
# Take me away #
# Take me away #
1431
00:58:41,881 --> 00:58:44,801
# Take me away #
# Take me away #
1432
00:58:44,801 --> 00:58:48,671
Uh-huh. Okay. Just conference me
when you get a hold of her.
1433
00:58:48,671 --> 00:58:50,790
Okay, bye. All right,
1434
00:58:50,790 --> 00:58:52,842
so we have
the balloon festival coming up
1435
00:58:52,842 --> 00:58:55,312
and I thought for sweeps,
it might be nice to do a segment
1436
00:58:55,312 --> 00:58:57,064
on how men are full of hot air.
1437
00:58:57,064 --> 00:58:59,465
Right? It's good, right?
- Heh. No.
1438
00:58:59,465 --> 00:59:01,685
No. Well, we should still
do some stuff on location,
1439
00:59:01,685 --> 00:59:04,271
because you're great when
you're interacting with people.
1440
00:59:04,271 --> 00:59:08,008
I'm sorry, did you just
say I'm great?
1441
00:59:09,460 --> 00:59:12,329
Yeah, you kind of are.
1442
00:59:12,329 --> 00:59:14,931
Hm. Back at you, babe.
1443
00:59:14,931 --> 00:59:17,634
[CHUCKLES]
1444
00:59:17,634 --> 00:59:19,736
So tell me this.
1445
00:59:19,736 --> 00:59:23,507
Why hasn't some fancy
New York show stolen you away?
1446
00:59:23,507 --> 00:59:26,727
Oh, I much prefer
Sacramento to New York.
1447
00:59:26,727 --> 00:59:28,995
Ha. Come on.
1448
00:59:28,995 --> 00:59:31,348
You just like being
a big fish in a little pond.
1449
00:59:31,348 --> 00:59:34,184
No. No.
- Mm.
1450
00:59:34,184 --> 00:59:35,969
And Sacramento
isn't really a pond,
1451
00:59:35,969 --> 00:59:39,606
it's more of a lake,
or even an estuary. Hm.
1452
00:59:39,606 --> 00:59:42,959
And it's a great place
to raise a family.
1453
00:59:42,959 --> 00:59:44,727
Uh, really good
school system.
1454
00:59:44,727 --> 00:59:47,130
The parks are clean
and well-maintained and safe.
1455
00:59:47,130 --> 00:59:48,615
And there's a much lower
1456
00:59:48,615 --> 00:59:50,417
divorce rate here than
there is in New York.
1457
00:59:57,325 --> 00:59:58,624
[SIGHS]
1458
00:59:58,624 --> 01:00:00,126
Yes, well...
1459
01:00:00,126 --> 01:00:03,596
Thank God Colin would never
be into a woman like that.
1460
01:00:03,596 --> 01:00:07,200
Oh, yeah, I forgot. Colin only
likes women of quality, huh?
1461
01:00:07,200 --> 01:00:09,986
That's a trait to be admired,
not mocked, man-whore.
1462
01:00:09,986 --> 01:00:13,807
Man-whore?
Why am I a man-whore?
1463
01:00:13,807 --> 01:00:15,859
I've seen you with
the Funbag Twins, remember?
1464
01:00:15,859 --> 01:00:17,611
Saw me what?
1465
01:00:17,611 --> 01:00:20,880
What, you saw me introduce them
to some network executives?
1466
01:00:20,880 --> 01:00:22,548
They wanna be actresses, baby.
1467
01:00:22,548 --> 01:00:25,035
I mean, who am I
to kill their dream?
1468
01:00:25,035 --> 01:00:26,153
[CHUCKLES]
1469
01:00:26,153 --> 01:00:27,654
Mm, such a generous man.
1470
01:00:27,654 --> 01:00:29,956
Now, you're telling me
you've never slept with them?
1471
01:00:29,956 --> 01:00:33,043
Well, no, I didn't say that.
That's my point.
1472
01:00:33,043 --> 01:00:35,662
Men, or man-whores,
1473
01:00:35,662 --> 01:00:40,217
prefer women in slutty clothes
who suck lots of cock.
1474
01:00:40,217 --> 01:00:42,385
Every man wants that.
1475
01:00:42,385 --> 01:00:43,853
And for your information,
1476
01:00:43,853 --> 01:00:45,488
I only slept with the one
who could read.
1477
01:00:47,058 --> 01:00:49,343
Wait a second,
did you just say "cock"?
1478
01:00:49,343 --> 01:00:51,778
Yes. Yes, I did.
1479
01:00:51,778 --> 01:00:54,580
I can say "cock."
You don't own the word. Cock.
1480
01:00:54,580 --> 01:00:56,950
Cock, cock, cock.
1481
01:00:56,950 --> 01:00:58,985
Okay, I got it.
1482
01:00:58,985 --> 01:01:01,888
A week ago, you were crying
at the thought of a vibrator.
1483
01:01:01,888 --> 01:01:04,357
Now you're, "cock this,
cock that," cock, cock, cock.
1484
01:01:07,578 --> 01:01:09,162
You slept with Colin,
didn't you?
1485
01:01:09,162 --> 01:01:10,002
No. No.
1486
01:01:11,882 --> 01:01:13,249
[LAUGHS]
1487
01:01:13,249 --> 01:01:15,751
We didn't. We're saving
that for this weekend.
1488
01:01:15,751 --> 01:01:19,089
He's taking me
to Lake Tahoe.
1489
01:01:19,089 --> 01:01:19,839
[#]
1490
01:01:20,958 --> 01:01:22,625
Wow.
1491
01:01:22,625 --> 01:01:24,927
[CHUCKLES]
1492
01:01:24,927 --> 01:01:25,927
Wow.
1493
01:01:26,881 --> 01:01:28,481
[SIGHS]
1494
01:01:28,481 --> 01:01:30,317
Well,
1495
01:01:30,317 --> 01:01:33,086
here's to overturning
assumptions, huh?
1496
01:01:35,056 --> 01:01:37,323
I'm really a man
of discriminating taste
1497
01:01:37,323 --> 01:01:39,226
and you're a foul-mouthed slut.
1498
01:01:39,226 --> 01:01:41,327
Thank you.
1499
01:01:44,331 --> 01:01:46,566
MIKE:
So there you have it.
1500
01:01:46,566 --> 01:01:50,703
Never assume a girl is easy
or assume she's a prude.
1501
01:01:50,703 --> 01:01:52,705
There are many layers
in between.
1502
01:01:52,705 --> 01:01:56,076
And it's your job, gentlemen,
to peel back those layers
1503
01:01:56,076 --> 01:02:00,380
and figure out exactly what type
of woman you're dealing with.
1504
01:02:00,380 --> 01:02:02,549
That sounded
almost enlightened.
1505
01:02:02,549 --> 01:02:05,986
Because once you do peel back
those layers, my friends,
1506
01:02:05,986 --> 01:02:08,638
her lady garden awaits.
1507
01:02:08,638 --> 01:02:10,307
And he's back.
1508
01:02:10,307 --> 01:02:12,408
And I'm pretty sure you're gonna
wanna fertilize
1509
01:02:12,408 --> 01:02:14,010
that patch of petunias.
1510
01:02:14,010 --> 01:02:17,030
Well, thanks, Mike.
1511
01:02:17,030 --> 01:02:19,933
Coming up after this message,
Javier tells us if your petunias
1512
01:02:19,933 --> 01:02:22,903
are gonna see any rainfall
this weekend.
1513
01:02:22,903 --> 01:02:25,204
I sure hope mine do.
1514
01:02:25,204 --> 01:02:27,540
I wanna go home, but let's
go over the script right now.
1515
01:02:27,540 --> 01:02:31,111
Yeah, let's get it done
really quickly.
1516
01:02:31,111 --> 01:02:34,597
I'm turned on with the layers.
Want to see these layers?
1517
01:02:34,597 --> 01:02:36,049
There he is.
MIKE: Hey, what's up?
1518
01:02:36,049 --> 01:02:37,984
Good news.
You're not gonna believe this.
1519
01:02:37,984 --> 01:02:39,920
What?
I got you on The Late Late Show
1520
01:02:39,920 --> 01:02:43,673
with Craig Ferguson.
They want you as his guest.
1521
01:02:43,673 --> 01:02:45,258
Craig Ferguson wants me
on his show?
1522
01:02:45,258 --> 01:02:46,426
Yeah.
1523
01:02:46,426 --> 01:02:48,444
You're shitting me.
I am not shitting you.
1524
01:02:48,444 --> 01:02:49,796
Oh, yeah!
- We made it.
1525
01:02:49,796 --> 01:02:52,115
[BOTH LAUGHING]
1526
01:02:52,115 --> 01:02:53,115
Yes!
1527
01:02:54,318 --> 01:02:56,636
Hi. Who are you?
1528
01:02:56,636 --> 01:02:57,687
Oh, this is Rick.
1529
01:02:57,687 --> 01:02:59,940
I'm his agent.
- Yeah.
1530
01:02:59,940 --> 01:03:03,025
Since when do you have an agent?
And since when is it okay
1531
01:03:03,025 --> 01:03:06,029
to book Late Night without
the producer's approval?
1532
01:03:06,029 --> 01:03:08,365
Actually, it's Late Late.
It's two "lates."
1533
01:03:08,365 --> 01:03:11,901
And since he became the hottest
personality on morning TV.
1534
01:03:11,901 --> 01:03:13,386
Have you seen this guy's
ratings?
1535
01:03:13,386 --> 01:03:16,706
Yes. Yes, I have.
1536
01:03:16,706 --> 01:03:18,492
Yeah, okay.
Anyways, you leave tonight.
1537
01:03:18,492 --> 01:03:19,826
Okay.
- It's all set.
1538
01:03:19,826 --> 01:03:21,895
MIKE: How cool is this?
RICK: Come on, let's go.
1539
01:03:21,895 --> 01:03:23,864
[BOTH LAUGHING]
1540
01:03:23,864 --> 01:03:25,298
GEORGIA:
Aah! Oh, my God!
1541
01:03:30,855 --> 01:03:32,305
Joy said
you wanted to see me?
1542
01:03:32,305 --> 01:03:35,325
I just found out that
Mike's being offered a job
1543
01:03:35,325 --> 01:03:38,061
at a CBS affiliate in
San Francisco at twice the pay.
1544
01:03:38,061 --> 01:03:40,363
Craig Ferguson
is his audition.
1545
01:03:40,363 --> 01:03:43,233
You can't be serious.
- Oh, I'm serious.
1546
01:03:43,233 --> 01:03:45,435
If Bob and Harold find out
about this, we're dead.
1547
01:03:45,435 --> 01:03:48,304
Now, I need you to fly out there
and talk him out of it.
1548
01:03:48,304 --> 01:03:50,006
I'm going to Lake Tahoe
this weekend.
1549
01:03:50,006 --> 01:03:52,408
Just don't let him know
that you know beforehand.
1550
01:03:52,408 --> 01:03:55,261
Go ahead and let him do the
show, and get us our publicity,
1551
01:03:55,261 --> 01:03:58,064
and then convince him
that he needs to sign on with us
1552
01:03:58,064 --> 01:04:02,118
for the next three years.
That's all we can do.
1553
01:04:02,118 --> 01:04:02,868
[#]
1554
01:04:11,179 --> 01:04:12,762
ABBY:
Stuart, I'm pulling up.
1555
01:04:12,762 --> 01:04:14,530
I'm gonna try to catch him
before he goes.
1556
01:04:14,530 --> 01:04:16,165
Okay. I'll call you back.
1557
01:04:17,935 --> 01:04:19,836
Thank you.
1558
01:04:19,836 --> 01:04:22,538
Hello,
little stupid penis face.
1559
01:04:22,538 --> 01:04:24,674
You'd be on cable access
if it weren't for me.
1560
01:04:24,674 --> 01:04:26,009
Hear you wanna move to CBS.
1561
01:04:26,009 --> 01:04:28,778
Is everything okay, miss?
1562
01:04:28,778 --> 01:04:32,048
Yes, I'm just--
I'm practicing my speech.
1563
01:04:33,483 --> 01:04:35,485
Abby?
What are you doing here?
1564
01:04:35,485 --> 01:04:37,403
I thought you were
going to Tahoe.
1565
01:04:37,403 --> 01:04:39,739
Oh. You couldn't spend a day
without me, could you?
1566
01:04:39,739 --> 01:04:43,192
Oh, yes. I just can't get enough
of your sparkling wit and charm.
1567
01:04:43,192 --> 01:04:45,028
Stuart thought you needed
a producer more
1568
01:04:45,028 --> 01:04:46,579
than I needed to get laid.
1569
01:04:46,579 --> 01:04:48,981
So come on, I gotta check in.
We leave in five minutes.
1570
01:04:48,981 --> 01:04:50,333
Wow.
1571
01:04:50,333 --> 01:04:53,419
Five minutes.
Ticktock, ticktock.
1572
01:04:53,419 --> 01:04:55,505
MIKE:
Yes, dear.
1573
01:04:55,505 --> 01:04:59,759
ABBY: Okay, uh, so let's go over
the pre-interview questions.
1574
01:04:59,759 --> 01:05:02,545
I'm sorry you didn't get
to spend time
1575
01:05:02,545 --> 01:05:04,113
with little Colin
this weekend.
1576
01:05:04,113 --> 01:05:06,448
And by "little,"
I don't mean undersized,
1577
01:05:06,448 --> 01:05:09,102
although I highly suspect
that's the case.
1578
01:05:09,102 --> 01:05:12,539
Colin's penis. That's what
you wanna talk about right now?
1579
01:05:12,539 --> 01:05:15,208
Because I thought maybe
we should talk about
1580
01:05:15,208 --> 01:05:17,110
what you're gonna say
on the show.
1581
01:05:17,110 --> 01:05:19,879
Yeah. Okay.
1582
01:05:19,879 --> 01:05:23,283
[IN IRISH ACCENT] So tell me, Mike,
how did The Ugly Truth start?
1583
01:05:23,283 --> 01:05:25,518
Uh, well,
Mr. Irish Craig Ferguson,
1584
01:05:25,518 --> 01:05:27,420
I had a sales job
1585
01:05:27,420 --> 01:05:30,824
where I was driving around
a lot, listening to talk radio.
1586
01:05:30,824 --> 01:05:32,375
I started calling in,
1587
01:05:32,375 --> 01:05:35,295
and then I realized
I'm smarter than everybody else.
1588
01:05:35,295 --> 01:05:37,129
Just ask my producer, Abby.
1589
01:05:37,129 --> 01:05:39,031
She thinks
I'm a genius on days
1590
01:05:39,031 --> 01:05:40,667
when she's not
sexually frustrated.
1591
01:05:40,667 --> 01:05:42,502
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Yes, thousands of lives
1592
01:05:42,502 --> 01:05:44,003
have been enriched
by your wisdom.
1593
01:05:44,003 --> 01:05:45,805
Excuse me, lady,
1594
01:05:45,805 --> 01:05:47,940
but you have a boyfriend
right now because of me.
1595
01:05:47,940 --> 01:05:49,442
It may have started
because of you,
1596
01:05:49,442 --> 01:05:50,743
but it's lasted because of me.
1597
01:05:50,743 --> 01:05:52,044
Great.
So you're acting like
1598
01:05:52,044 --> 01:05:54,113
your normal control-freak
psycho self again.
1599
01:05:54,113 --> 01:05:55,815
I am not a control freak.
1600
01:05:55,815 --> 01:05:57,701
When you checked
into the hotel,
1601
01:05:57,701 --> 01:06:00,253
did you or did you not
insist on getting
1602
01:06:00,253 --> 01:06:03,206
an eastern-facing room
on a floor not below 7?
1603
01:06:04,758 --> 01:06:07,327
I like rising with the sun,
and a view.
1604
01:06:07,327 --> 01:06:08,961
[LAUGHS]
1605
01:06:08,961 --> 01:06:13,399
My point is, that Colin likes
the Mike version of Abby,
1606
01:06:13,399 --> 01:06:14,834
not the Abby version
of Abby.
1607
01:06:14,834 --> 01:06:17,470
So don't go knocking
my words of wisdom
1608
01:06:17,470 --> 01:06:20,640
when you're living proof
that they work.
1609
01:06:20,640 --> 01:06:22,926
I could be
having sex right now.
1610
01:06:22,926 --> 01:06:24,593
Right this way, please.
1611
01:06:24,593 --> 01:06:25,795
Dude, this is awesome.
1612
01:06:25,795 --> 01:06:29,031
You are about to go on
national television.
1613
01:06:29,031 --> 01:06:30,833
Okay, this isn't helping,
Rick.
1614
01:06:30,833 --> 01:06:33,402
Just, you know,
do what you always do.
1615
01:06:33,402 --> 01:06:35,171
What do I always do?
1616
01:06:35,171 --> 01:06:38,274
You, uh--
I don't know, you...
1617
01:06:38,274 --> 01:06:41,144
You entertain millions of people
with your moronic ideas,
1618
01:06:41,144 --> 01:06:43,545
and they love you for it.
1619
01:06:43,545 --> 01:06:45,848
I think that may be the nicest
thing you ever said to me.
1620
01:06:45,848 --> 01:06:47,634
You're welcome.
FERGUSON: Next up,
1621
01:06:47,634 --> 01:06:49,753
here to tell us the ugly truth
about men and women
1622
01:06:49,753 --> 01:06:52,388
is Mike Chadway, everybody.
Mike Chadway.
1623
01:06:52,388 --> 01:06:54,540
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
1624
01:06:54,540 --> 01:06:56,826
Mike, Mike, Mike.
1625
01:06:56,826 --> 01:06:58,795
Come on up.
1626
01:06:58,795 --> 01:07:01,598
MIKE:
Hey, how are you, folks?
1627
01:07:01,598 --> 01:07:03,883
FERGUSON:
All right, Mike, welcome.
1628
01:07:03,883 --> 01:07:07,703
Now, listen. Men, we men,
I think I can say "we men."
1629
01:07:07,703 --> 01:07:10,273
Not necessarily "wee" men,
but men of all sizes--
1630
01:07:10,273 --> 01:07:11,307
No, I get it. I get it.
1631
01:07:11,307 --> 01:07:13,475
We're not known for
our expertise
1632
01:07:13,475 --> 01:07:15,645
in matters of the heart.
1633
01:07:15,645 --> 01:07:19,632
But I hear you have some very
interesting ideas and theories.
1634
01:07:19,632 --> 01:07:22,384
What advice would you give
to the good people out there
1635
01:07:22,384 --> 01:07:24,287
that are
looking for love?
1636
01:07:24,287 --> 01:07:26,122
My advice would be, uh:
1637
01:07:26,122 --> 01:07:27,574
Don't do it.
1638
01:07:27,574 --> 01:07:28,742
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
1639
01:07:28,742 --> 01:07:30,509
I mean,
try to find lust instead.
1640
01:07:30,509 --> 01:07:33,830
It's a lot easier
and a lot less messy.
1641
01:07:33,830 --> 01:07:35,331
Blue balls,
they only last a few hours,
1642
01:07:35,331 --> 01:07:38,001
but a broken heart,
that can last years.
1643
01:07:38,001 --> 01:07:39,836
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
1644
01:07:42,989 --> 01:07:45,208
Goodness me. Tell me, then.
What's her name?
1645
01:07:45,208 --> 01:07:46,208
Who?
1646
01:07:47,861 --> 01:07:51,263
FERGUSON: The woman that screwed
you up. She must have been a doozy.
1647
01:07:56,770 --> 01:08:02,191
Ah. Well, like I said,
better a floozy than a doozy.
1648
01:08:02,191 --> 01:08:05,228
[LOS PINGUOS' "SOLUNA"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
1649
01:08:06,564 --> 01:08:09,566
Hi. I was looking
for an Abby Richter.
1650
01:08:22,596 --> 01:08:24,997
STUART [OVER PHONE]:
Did you get him? Is he ours?
1651
01:08:24,997 --> 01:08:26,265
I'm working on it.
1652
01:08:26,265 --> 01:08:27,866
I gotta go.
1653
01:08:29,587 --> 01:08:32,121
Where's Rick?
- I sent him home.
1654
01:08:32,121 --> 01:08:34,324
I thought maybe you and I
could celebrate on our own.
1655
01:08:34,324 --> 01:08:36,442
Here. Give me some of that.
1656
01:08:36,442 --> 01:08:39,495
And, uh, what exactly
are we celebrating?
1657
01:08:39,495 --> 01:08:42,398
Hello? Craig Ferguson?
I was just on it.
1658
01:08:42,398 --> 01:08:44,167
I mean, maybe you saw it?
1659
01:08:45,486 --> 01:08:47,820
I heard about
the offer from CBS.
1660
01:08:49,639 --> 01:08:52,208
Well, then maybe you heard
I turned it down.
1661
01:08:52,208 --> 01:08:53,710
You did?
1662
01:08:55,679 --> 01:08:57,080
Why?
1663
01:08:57,080 --> 01:08:57,800
Jonah.
1664
01:08:59,265 --> 01:09:00,900
You know,
he needs me around.
1665
01:09:02,302 --> 01:09:05,337
I may not be the best
father figure out there,
1666
01:09:05,337 --> 01:09:07,306
but I'm the only one he's got.
1667
01:09:07,306 --> 01:09:11,176
And I don't wanna half-ass it
all the way from San Francisco.
1668
01:09:11,176 --> 01:09:14,814
Well, I think that's
a very good decision.
1669
01:09:14,814 --> 01:09:16,031
Thank you.
1670
01:09:16,031 --> 01:09:18,167
Now, can we stop
talking about work
1671
01:09:18,167 --> 01:09:23,273
and maybe relax
and drink, enjoy?
1672
01:09:23,273 --> 01:09:24,807
God.
1673
01:09:26,343 --> 01:09:27,861
Tell me about the doozy.
1674
01:09:27,861 --> 01:09:30,796
You know, the woman
who broke your heart.
1675
01:09:30,796 --> 01:09:33,700
You are just totally
trying to kill my buzz.
1676
01:09:33,700 --> 01:09:36,418
No, I'm not. I'm just interested
in what makes you you.
1677
01:09:39,356 --> 01:09:42,091
Well,
for your information,
1678
01:09:42,091 --> 01:09:45,727
it was, uh--
It was more than just one.
1679
01:09:45,727 --> 01:09:49,798
It was more like a parade.
1680
01:09:49,798 --> 01:09:53,635
Co-dependent girls,
unfaithful girls,
1681
01:09:53,635 --> 01:09:55,171
depressed girls,
1682
01:09:55,171 --> 01:09:58,207
narcissistic girls,
phony girls.
1683
01:09:58,207 --> 01:10:01,777
Girls who, it turned out,
didn't actually like me.
1684
01:10:03,546 --> 01:10:06,315
By the time I hit 30,
I realized that, uh,
1685
01:10:06,315 --> 01:10:08,251
you can only have
so many lousy relationships
1686
01:10:08,251 --> 01:10:09,385
before you figure out
1687
01:10:09,385 --> 01:10:10,986
there's no such thing
as a good one.
1688
01:10:10,986 --> 01:10:13,472
Oh, come on. You can't really
believe there's no such thing
1689
01:10:13,472 --> 01:10:15,375
as a good relationship.
1690
01:10:15,375 --> 01:10:18,244
Mm. To my very core.
1691
01:10:20,664 --> 01:10:22,097
Hello. Can I
get you something?
1692
01:10:22,097 --> 01:10:24,200
I'll have one of those, please.
A mojito. Sure.
1693
01:10:24,200 --> 01:10:26,702
Would you like anything else?
Yeah, some water.
1694
01:10:26,702 --> 01:10:29,272
Okay, would you like
still or sparkling?
1695
01:10:29,272 --> 01:10:31,707
Tap water's great. Thanks.
- Tap. All right.
1696
01:10:33,159 --> 01:10:34,394
What?
1697
01:10:34,394 --> 01:10:36,563
What?
1698
01:10:36,563 --> 01:10:38,648
It's the exact same thing,
isn't it?
1699
01:10:40,734 --> 01:10:43,903
So I've been told.
1700
01:10:43,903 --> 01:10:45,872
[SIGHS]
1701
01:10:45,872 --> 01:10:47,773
Come on, let's dance.
1702
01:10:47,773 --> 01:10:50,209
No, I'm serious.
1703
01:10:50,209 --> 01:10:53,246
I've seen your spazzy dance,
now I wanna see the real thing.
1704
01:10:53,246 --> 01:10:55,381
No, really.
I can't dance like that.
1705
01:10:55,381 --> 01:10:57,200
I can. Well, kind of.
1706
01:10:57,200 --> 01:10:59,135
[CHUCKLES]
1707
01:10:59,135 --> 01:11:01,570
[LATIN SOUL SYNDICATE'S
"EL GITANO DEL AMOR" PLAYING]
1708
01:11:01,570 --> 01:11:03,673
Ugh. Mike, no.
1709
01:11:03,673 --> 01:11:04,423
No.
1710
01:11:21,609 --> 01:11:23,676
# The way you walk
The way you talk #
1711
01:11:23,676 --> 01:11:25,845
# The way you smile
It turns me on #
1712
01:11:25,845 --> 01:11:27,796
# The way you move
The way you groove #
1713
01:11:27,796 --> 01:11:30,049
# Makes me glad
That I'm with you #
1714
01:11:30,049 --> 01:11:31,818
# The way you walk
The way you talk #
1715
01:11:31,818 --> 01:11:33,853
# The way you smile
It turns me on #
1716
01:11:33,853 --> 01:11:35,822
# The way you move
The way you groove #
1717
01:11:35,822 --> 01:11:39,292
# Makes me glad
That I'm with you #
1718
01:11:39,292 --> 01:11:41,477
[LYRICS CONTINUE IN SPANISH]
1719
01:12:09,839 --> 01:12:11,858
# The way you walk
The way you talk #
1720
01:12:11,858 --> 01:12:14,193
# The way you smile
It turns me on #
1721
01:12:14,193 --> 01:12:16,029
# The way you move
The way you groove #
1722
01:12:16,029 --> 01:12:18,047
# Makes me glad
That I'm with you #
1723
01:12:18,047 --> 01:12:19,866
# The way you walk
The way you talk #
1724
01:12:19,866 --> 01:12:22,034
# The way you smile
It turns me on #
1725
01:12:22,034 --> 01:12:23,952
# The way you move
The way you groove #
1726
01:12:23,952 --> 01:12:26,438
# Makes me glad
That I'm with you #
1727
01:12:26,438 --> 01:12:28,975
[LYRICS CONTINUE IN SPANISH]
1728
01:12:35,482 --> 01:12:39,852
We have an early flight
tomorrow. We should go.
1729
01:12:44,491 --> 01:12:46,626
Yeah. We should go.
1730
01:12:48,896 --> 01:12:49,929
[CLEARS THROAT]
1731
01:13:05,228 --> 01:13:07,162
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
1732
01:13:14,922 --> 01:13:16,355
[DOOR CLOSES]
1733
01:13:16,355 --> 01:13:20,293
So the car is gonna pick us
up downstairs tomorrow at 8.
1734
01:13:20,293 --> 01:13:23,462
Do you want me to call you?
No, I'll get a wake-up call.
1735
01:13:23,462 --> 01:13:25,597
Oh, yeah, good idea.
- Yeah.
1736
01:13:25,597 --> 01:13:27,066
[CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS]
1737
01:13:27,066 --> 01:13:28,934
[CLEARS THROAT]
1738
01:13:28,934 --> 01:13:30,369
I had a really good time
tonight.
1739
01:13:30,369 --> 01:13:32,405
Me too.
1740
01:13:32,405 --> 01:13:33,839
Yeah.
1741
01:13:37,461 --> 01:13:38,894
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
1742
01:13:42,115 --> 01:13:44,116
My floor.
- Yeah.
1743
01:13:44,116 --> 01:13:46,385
See you tomorrow.
- Eight o'clock.
1744
01:13:46,385 --> 01:13:48,621
Eight o'clock.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
1745
01:13:48,621 --> 01:13:50,756
Good night.
- Good night. Oh!
1746
01:13:52,926 --> 01:13:55,260
Good night.
- Yeah, good night.
1747
01:13:58,132 --> 01:14:00,132
A lot of fun. Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah. Oh.
1748
01:14:00,132 --> 01:14:01,967
[SIGHS]
1749
01:14:03,770 --> 01:14:05,438
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
1750
01:14:10,644 --> 01:14:12,711
[ALARM RINGING]
1751
01:14:14,147 --> 01:14:16,565
[PANTING]
1752
01:14:16,565 --> 01:14:17,950
I guess, uh,
1753
01:14:17,950 --> 01:14:20,519
I guess I should go, huh?
1754
01:14:20,519 --> 01:14:21,769
Yeah.
1755
01:14:23,022 --> 01:14:25,524
Good night.
1756
01:14:25,524 --> 01:14:27,125
[ALARM STOPS RINGING]
1757
01:14:27,125 --> 01:14:27,875
[#]
1758
01:14:47,664 --> 01:14:51,033
What the hell was that?
1759
01:14:51,033 --> 01:14:53,669
Why do I wanna do it again?
1760
01:14:56,039 --> 01:14:57,373
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
1761
01:15:06,667 --> 01:15:08,334
Miss me?
- Colin.
1762
01:15:08,334 --> 01:15:09,952
You were expecting
someone else?
1763
01:15:09,952 --> 01:15:10,702
No.
1764
01:15:11,454 --> 01:15:12,888
Mm.
- Uh...
1765
01:15:12,888 --> 01:15:14,707
Since you couldn't
come to Lake Tahoe,
1766
01:15:14,707 --> 01:15:16,858
I decided to come to you.
1767
01:15:16,858 --> 01:15:19,444
Oh. How did you
know I was here?
1768
01:15:19,444 --> 01:15:20,579
Uh, Joy told me.
1769
01:15:20,579 --> 01:15:21,930
I just started
thinking about
1770
01:15:21,930 --> 01:15:24,283
all the stuff we were
going to do there, and I...
1771
01:15:24,283 --> 01:15:28,203
Come here.
...decided I couldn't wait.
1772
01:15:28,203 --> 01:15:29,638
A little champagne?
- Yeah.
1773
01:15:29,638 --> 01:15:30,358
Great.
1774
01:15:31,808 --> 01:15:34,610
So happy to be here.
- Oh, yes.
1775
01:15:34,610 --> 01:15:36,595
What's wrong?
1776
01:15:36,595 --> 01:15:39,232
Nothing.
You just surprised me.
1777
01:15:39,232 --> 01:15:41,016
You told me you were
spontaneous.
1778
01:15:41,016 --> 01:15:42,568
Yes, I did.
1779
01:15:42,568 --> 01:15:45,003
Have a little something else
on its way up for you.
1780
01:15:45,003 --> 01:15:46,838
You are going to love it.
[CHUCKLES]
1781
01:15:46,838 --> 01:15:48,541
[CORK POPS]
1782
01:15:48,541 --> 01:15:49,858
Oh! Whoa! Ha-ha!
- Whoa!
1783
01:15:49,858 --> 01:15:52,194
Let me tell you,
it comes out so fast, right?
1784
01:15:52,194 --> 01:15:55,882
Oh, wow, I guess we'll have to
get naked sooner than I thought.
1785
01:15:55,882 --> 01:15:57,166
I'll get you a towel.
- Okay.
1786
01:16:03,440 --> 01:16:04,190
[#]
1787
01:16:08,945 --> 01:16:10,980
Abby, I--
1788
01:16:10,980 --> 01:16:11,820
[SIGHS]
1789
01:16:13,816 --> 01:16:16,919
Abby, I really,
really wanna do that again,
1790
01:16:16,919 --> 01:16:18,420
and not just tonight.
1791
01:16:18,420 --> 01:16:20,155
Fuck!
1792
01:16:20,155 --> 01:16:22,825
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
1793
01:16:22,825 --> 01:16:26,294
Man up, Chadway.
Come on, you can do this.
1794
01:16:34,004 --> 01:16:37,189
Hey, hey.
You're not room service.
1795
01:16:37,189 --> 01:16:39,625
How you doing, man?
- Hey. Uh...
1796
01:16:39,625 --> 01:16:42,244
Hey. Good to see you.
I, uh--
1797
01:16:42,244 --> 01:16:46,031
I just came by to tell
Abby about the change
1798
01:16:46,031 --> 01:16:47,883
in our flight time,
1799
01:16:47,883 --> 01:16:50,903
but I can come by later.
1800
01:16:50,903 --> 01:16:51,653
Hi.
1801
01:16:52,306 --> 01:16:53,689
Hey.
1802
01:16:53,689 --> 01:16:55,891
What are you doing here?
1803
01:16:55,891 --> 01:16:57,760
Uh, flight's changed.
1804
01:16:57,760 --> 01:17:01,197
Eight o'clock in the morning.
1805
01:17:01,197 --> 01:17:03,516
I-I told you that already?
1806
01:17:04,884 --> 01:17:08,988
Uh, I'm so--
Long day, big day.
1807
01:17:08,988 --> 01:17:11,273
Okay, I'll just leave now.
1808
01:17:20,216 --> 01:17:21,717
Mike. Mike.
1809
01:17:21,717 --> 01:17:23,502
Hey, wait.
1810
01:17:25,688 --> 01:17:27,890
He came to surprise me. I...
1811
01:17:27,890 --> 01:17:30,343
Hey, how convenient.
1812
01:17:30,343 --> 01:17:31,860
No, I--
1813
01:17:31,860 --> 01:17:34,096
I thought it was you
at the door.
1814
01:17:34,096 --> 01:17:35,947
Well, I guess we're all
interchangeable.
1815
01:17:38,118 --> 01:17:40,236
I taught you well.
1816
01:17:40,236 --> 01:17:42,137
Hey, maybe you could
even host the show.
1817
01:17:51,064 --> 01:17:54,466
Tell me what happened
in the elevator.
1818
01:17:54,466 --> 01:17:56,435
Should I tell Colin to go?
1819
01:17:58,038 --> 01:17:59,171
No.
1820
01:18:01,024 --> 01:18:03,342
No, why pull up anchor now?
1821
01:18:03,342 --> 01:18:06,028
I mean, you worked damn hard
to get him here.
1822
01:18:08,031 --> 01:18:11,700
And that's it?
That's all you have to say?
1823
01:18:13,236 --> 01:18:15,004
What do you want me to say?
1824
01:18:17,273 --> 01:18:19,358
The truth is ugly, isn't it?
1825
01:18:19,358 --> 01:18:20,709
[CHUCKLES]
1826
01:18:20,709 --> 01:18:22,778
That's what I've been
trying to tell you.
1827
01:18:22,778 --> 01:18:23,528
Hm.
1828
01:18:27,600 --> 01:18:29,068
I'll see you.
1829
01:18:29,068 --> 01:18:29,818
[#]
1830
01:18:44,500 --> 01:18:46,434
[DOOR OPENS]
1831
01:18:49,039 --> 01:18:50,205
[DOOR CLOSES]
1832
01:18:56,029 --> 01:18:57,680
Sorry about that.
1833
01:18:57,680 --> 01:19:00,949
No. Honestly, no worries.
1834
01:19:00,949 --> 01:19:02,083
Just come here.
1835
01:19:03,787 --> 01:19:07,022
Listen, the rest
of the night is ours. Hm?
1836
01:19:07,022 --> 01:19:11,110
To the first of many
romantic evenings to come.
1837
01:19:14,881 --> 01:19:16,949
Whoa. Uh...
1838
01:19:16,949 --> 01:19:18,033
Okay.
1839
01:19:20,770 --> 01:19:22,938
Mm. Yeah.
1840
01:19:22,938 --> 01:19:25,841
Colin, why do you like me?
1841
01:19:27,444 --> 01:19:28,404
Oh, heh.
1842
01:19:30,012 --> 01:19:31,079
Wow. Uh...
1843
01:19:31,079 --> 01:19:33,749
You're beautiful.
1844
01:19:33,749 --> 01:19:35,267
You're smart.
1845
01:19:35,267 --> 01:19:37,019
You, uh--
1846
01:19:37,019 --> 01:19:39,054
You never criticize.
1847
01:19:39,054 --> 01:19:41,706
You know what? You never
try to control the situation.
1848
01:19:41,706 --> 01:19:44,910
And I've gotta say,
it's a breath of fresh air
1849
01:19:44,910 --> 01:19:48,147
because I know so many women
who are total control freaks,
1850
01:19:48,147 --> 01:19:49,198
and it's a nightmare.
1851
01:19:49,198 --> 01:19:51,450
And I just love that
you're not like that.
1852
01:19:51,450 --> 01:19:52,701
But I am.
1853
01:19:52,701 --> 01:19:55,003
I am just like that.
1854
01:19:55,003 --> 01:19:57,039
Wait, what do you mean?
1855
01:19:57,039 --> 01:19:59,492
Well, this should be chilled.
1856
01:19:59,492 --> 01:20:01,243
And you know that.
1857
01:20:01,243 --> 01:20:04,062
And, uh,
as horrible as it sounds,
1858
01:20:04,062 --> 01:20:05,931
I was editing that speech
1859
01:20:05,931 --> 01:20:07,500
the entire time
you were giving it.
1860
01:20:07,500 --> 01:20:10,068
And the time you fed me caviar,
1861
01:20:10,068 --> 01:20:12,755
I was in physical pain.
1862
01:20:12,755 --> 01:20:15,474
I hate being fed
like a toddler.
1863
01:20:15,474 --> 01:20:17,893
That's how much
of a control freak I am.
1864
01:20:17,893 --> 01:20:21,063
But I couldn't show you
any of that, because
1865
01:20:21,063 --> 01:20:23,832
who would love
someone like that?
1866
01:20:23,832 --> 01:20:25,567
No one.
1867
01:20:25,567 --> 01:20:26,317
[#]
1868
01:20:30,740 --> 01:20:31,840
Um...
1869
01:20:31,840 --> 01:20:32,942
[CHUCKLES]
1870
01:20:42,936 --> 01:20:45,370
I'm so sorry.
1871
01:20:45,370 --> 01:20:48,507
You are a great guy,
you really are.
1872
01:20:48,507 --> 01:20:53,078
Which is why I have to tell you
that I have not been myself.
1873
01:20:53,078 --> 01:20:56,015
Not for one second of the time
that we've been dating.
1874
01:20:56,015 --> 01:20:58,617
Then who have you been?
1875
01:21:01,021 --> 01:21:03,656
The girl some idiot
told me to be.
1876
01:21:23,025 --> 01:21:24,326
[SIGHS]
1877
01:21:30,867 --> 01:21:32,701
ABBY:
Morning, Freddy.
1878
01:21:34,437 --> 01:21:36,271
What did you do to him?
1879
01:21:36,271 --> 01:21:37,339
I didn't do anything.
1880
01:21:37,339 --> 01:21:39,007
He missed the flight
all on his own.
1881
01:21:39,007 --> 01:21:41,393
He quit this morning.
1882
01:21:41,393 --> 01:21:43,745
I just got a smug call
from the local CBS affiliate
1883
01:21:43,745 --> 01:21:45,347
saying they'd closed
a deal with him.
1884
01:21:45,347 --> 01:21:47,999
Corporate's having a shit fit.
What the hell happened?
1885
01:21:47,999 --> 01:21:51,286
He quit to go to one
of our local competitors?
1886
01:21:51,286 --> 01:21:52,987
[SCOFFS]
1887
01:21:52,987 --> 01:21:54,489
We don't need Mike Chadway.
1888
01:21:54,489 --> 01:21:56,858
Halfwit troglodytes
are a dime a dozen.
1889
01:21:56,858 --> 01:21:58,092
You'd better be right.
1890
01:21:58,092 --> 01:21:59,695
Because you gotta find me
another one
1891
01:21:59,695 --> 01:22:01,663
by the end of the week
or else we're cancelled.
1892
01:22:01,663 --> 01:22:04,032
ABBY: I'll find one
by the end of the day.
1893
01:22:04,032 --> 01:22:07,703
Not really. I'm just--
That's just a joke, everybody.
1894
01:22:07,703 --> 01:22:10,155
I can't believe I allowed myself
to feel anything for him.
1895
01:22:10,155 --> 01:22:12,473
Well, you felt enough something
to break up with Colin.
1896
01:22:12,473 --> 01:22:14,093
I'm sorry.
1897
01:22:14,093 --> 01:22:16,262
Okay, here are the
Mike Chadway replacements.
1898
01:22:16,262 --> 01:22:18,363
Yes, no, yes, no, no,
1899
01:22:18,363 --> 01:22:20,632
fuck no.
"Fuck no." All right.
1900
01:22:20,632 --> 01:22:23,752
So, what do you think
of the new set?
1901
01:22:23,752 --> 01:22:25,453
I love it.
1902
01:22:25,453 --> 01:22:28,991
KSXP retained the copyright
to your old segment title,
1903
01:22:28,991 --> 01:22:32,895
so we retitled you:
Morning Madness With Mike.
1904
01:22:34,664 --> 01:22:35,864
MIKE:
Love it.
1905
01:22:35,864 --> 01:22:38,066
And this is Joe,
your new producer.
1906
01:22:38,066 --> 01:22:38,816
Hi.
1907
01:22:41,337 --> 01:22:43,739
You know what I like
best about you, Joe?
1908
01:22:43,739 --> 01:22:46,274
Is I don't wanna
have sex with you at all.
1909
01:22:46,274 --> 01:22:48,143
I'm relieved
to hear that.
1910
01:22:48,143 --> 01:22:51,547
[DANIEL MERRIWEATHER'S
"CHAINSAW" PLAYING]
1911
01:22:51,547 --> 01:22:55,984
# Giving myself to you is like
Giving myself to chainsaw #
1912
01:22:55,984 --> 01:22:57,886
# You keep cutting me open
Why? #
1913
01:22:57,886 --> 01:23:01,322
# Is that the only thing
That you're good for? #
1914
01:23:01,322 --> 01:23:05,894
# Giving myself to you is like
Giving myself to a chainsaw #
1915
01:23:05,894 --> 01:23:08,163
# You keep cutting me open
Why? #
1916
01:23:08,163 --> 01:23:10,665
# Is that the only thing
That you're good for? #
1917
01:23:10,665 --> 01:23:13,268
[ALL CHATTERING]
1918
01:23:17,373 --> 01:23:20,726
How's my face?
Is it too shiny?
1919
01:23:20,726 --> 01:23:24,747
Which side is better?
Right, left, full frontal?
1920
01:23:24,747 --> 01:23:26,582
They're all great.
1921
01:23:26,582 --> 01:23:28,817
Can we go over your intro
one more time?
1922
01:23:28,817 --> 01:23:31,587
"I'm Jack Magnum,
and this is..."
1923
01:23:31,587 --> 01:23:34,255
The Ugly Truth.
1924
01:23:34,791 --> 01:23:35,957
[PUFFS]
1925
01:23:35,957 --> 01:23:39,094
Okay. Let's, uh,
maybe lose the gun thing.
1926
01:23:39,094 --> 01:23:41,797
What? Gun's my signature move.
1927
01:23:41,797 --> 01:23:43,832
Unless the NRA is paying
your mortgage this month,
1928
01:23:43,832 --> 01:23:45,467
I say lose
the effing gun.
1929
01:23:45,467 --> 01:23:49,321
All right, we're live
in five, four, three...
1930
01:23:49,321 --> 01:23:51,190
[MOUTHS]
Two, one.
1931
01:23:51,190 --> 01:23:52,858
Think this guy's any good?
1932
01:23:52,858 --> 01:23:54,476
He better be.
1933
01:23:54,476 --> 01:23:59,197
I'm Jack Magnum,
and this is The Ugly Truth.
1934
01:23:59,197 --> 01:24:01,016
Peace.
1935
01:24:01,016 --> 01:24:02,868
Oh, Jesus.
He's going political.
1936
01:24:02,868 --> 01:24:05,270
Okay, so we'll do a couple
questions with the balloon pilot
1937
01:24:05,270 --> 01:24:07,139
about how often
couples get it on
1938
01:24:07,139 --> 01:24:08,640
in-flight,
and then we're out.
1939
01:24:08,640 --> 01:24:09,480
Got it.
1940
01:24:11,111 --> 01:24:12,911
Check it out.
Your replacement's on.
1941
01:24:12,911 --> 01:24:14,646
GEORGIA: --Jack Magnum.
My what?
1942
01:24:14,646 --> 01:24:17,182
How's it going out there?
Your replacement?
1943
01:24:17,182 --> 01:24:19,051
JACK: Most of you
are watching this show
1944
01:24:19,051 --> 01:24:20,719
so you can learn how
to get chicks.
1945
01:24:20,719 --> 01:24:24,323
Well, let me assure you,
you're in good hands.
1946
01:24:24,323 --> 01:24:26,475
You're looking at a guy
1947
01:24:26,475 --> 01:24:30,846
who personally has had sex
with over 137 women.
1948
01:24:30,846 --> 01:24:32,314
Most of them conscious.
1949
01:24:32,314 --> 01:24:33,999
[CHUCKLES]
1950
01:24:33,999 --> 01:24:36,185
This is beautiful.
1951
01:24:36,185 --> 01:24:37,903
Now, we're here
at the balloon festival
1952
01:24:37,903 --> 01:24:39,705
and I'm supposed
to be telling you about
1953
01:24:39,705 --> 01:24:41,005
how men are full of hot air.
1954
01:24:41,005 --> 01:24:42,608
But I think we all know,
1955
01:24:42,608 --> 01:24:44,443
it's the ladies
that are full of crap.
1956
01:24:44,443 --> 01:24:48,497
Just because she says no,
doesn't mean she means no.
1957
01:24:48,497 --> 01:24:50,783
[GROANS]
If that were the case,
1958
01:24:50,783 --> 01:24:52,200
I'd have only 90 women--
1959
01:24:52,200 --> 01:24:54,002
[GRUNTS]
1960
01:24:54,002 --> 01:24:55,170
Okay. All right.
1961
01:24:55,170 --> 01:24:56,538
What the hell?
1962
01:24:56,538 --> 01:24:58,540
Did she--? Oh.
1963
01:24:58,540 --> 01:24:59,958
Uh...
- Welcome back.
1964
01:24:59,958 --> 01:25:03,662
It looks like we're experiencing
some technical difficulty.
1965
01:25:03,662 --> 01:25:06,632
Yeah, when you have
a wine festival...
1966
01:25:06,632 --> 01:25:08,700
Okay, I got it.
1967
01:25:08,700 --> 01:25:10,302
Unh. Hi.
1968
01:25:10,302 --> 01:25:11,637
Uh...
- We're back.
1969
01:25:11,637 --> 01:25:13,472
I'm sorry,
1970
01:25:13,472 --> 01:25:17,926
but Jack Magnum will no longer
be able to do The Ugly Truth.
1971
01:25:17,926 --> 01:25:20,128
Which should really
come as no surprise
1972
01:25:20,128 --> 01:25:23,899
because men
are completely unreliable.
1973
01:25:23,899 --> 01:25:26,167
What is she doing?
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
1974
01:25:26,167 --> 01:25:29,537
Yes? Yes, Harold? Yes. Yes,
I know. We're fixing it.
1975
01:25:29,537 --> 01:25:31,139
Take Mike Chadway,
for instance.
1976
01:25:31,139 --> 01:25:34,376
He up and quit the show
without so much as a word.
1977
01:25:34,376 --> 01:25:36,578
You think you know what men
are gonna do,
1978
01:25:36,578 --> 01:25:38,813
you think you know
what men want to do.
1979
01:25:38,813 --> 01:25:40,748
But when it comes right down
to that moment
1980
01:25:40,748 --> 01:25:42,417
where they actually need
to step up
1981
01:25:42,417 --> 01:25:44,536
and, I don't know,
make a move,
1982
01:25:44,536 --> 01:25:46,171
they chicken out.
1983
01:25:46,171 --> 01:25:48,857
Oh. I am all over this.
1984
01:25:48,857 --> 01:25:51,310
JOE: Where are you going?
We're live in two!
1985
01:25:51,310 --> 01:25:52,511
It's going great, isn't it?
1986
01:25:52,511 --> 01:25:55,063
The big, strong, brave men
1987
01:25:55,063 --> 01:25:56,564
that we've all been
reading about
1988
01:25:56,564 --> 01:25:59,134
in novels and watching in movies
since we were 9 years old,
1989
01:25:59,134 --> 01:26:01,669
that's a fallacy.
They don't exist.
1990
01:26:01,669 --> 01:26:05,407
Men are not strong.
Men are not brave.
1991
01:26:05,407 --> 01:26:07,192
Men are afraid.
1992
01:26:07,192 --> 01:26:08,626
It's all part of the show.
1993
01:26:08,626 --> 01:26:10,645
Sort of an Andy Kaufman
thing we're doing.
1994
01:26:10,645 --> 01:26:16,418
Even if they have a moment
in a hotel elevator, and...
1995
01:26:16,418 --> 01:26:17,168
[#]
1996
01:26:17,953 --> 01:26:20,172
and it's totally romantic
and full of potential,
1997
01:26:20,172 --> 01:26:23,825
men are incapable
of copping to it.
1998
01:26:23,825 --> 01:26:26,044
Because why?
1999
01:26:26,044 --> 01:26:27,529
Men are weak.
2000
01:26:27,529 --> 01:26:31,233
Let me tell you something
about women.
2001
01:26:31,233 --> 01:26:32,734
Oh. Hey.
2002
01:26:32,734 --> 01:26:36,538
Woman would have us believe
that they are the victims.
2003
01:26:36,538 --> 01:26:38,706
That we break
their hearts for sport.
2004
01:26:38,706 --> 01:26:40,392
CLIFF: I thought he quit.
That's crap.
2005
01:26:40,392 --> 01:26:42,778
See, Bob?
I told you we'd get him back.
2006
01:26:42,778 --> 01:26:44,346
They say they want true love,
2007
01:26:44,346 --> 01:26:46,681
but all they want
is a checklist.
2008
01:26:46,681 --> 01:26:50,903
Is he perfect? Is he handsome?
Is he a doctor?
2009
01:26:50,903 --> 01:26:52,537
For you men who fit
the criteria,
2010
01:26:52,537 --> 01:26:55,490
don't kid yourselves,
they're not sleeping with you.
2011
01:26:55,490 --> 01:26:58,410
They're sleeping with
a carefully calculated
2012
01:26:58,410 --> 01:27:00,412
set of venal choices.
2013
01:27:00,412 --> 01:27:03,515
Money over substance,
looks over soul.
2014
01:27:03,515 --> 01:27:05,517
Polish over principles.
2015
01:27:05,517 --> 01:27:08,553
No gesture,
no matter how real or romantic,
2016
01:27:08,553 --> 01:27:10,088
will ever compensate
2017
01:27:10,088 --> 01:27:12,557
for a really impressive list
of credentials.
2018
01:27:12,557 --> 01:27:15,260
This coming from a man
who's never made a gesture
2019
01:27:15,260 --> 01:27:16,761
other than this one.
2020
01:27:16,761 --> 01:27:18,931
Oh, so the elevator
wasn't a gesture?
2021
01:27:18,931 --> 01:27:20,949
The elevator
was a moment of passion,
2022
01:27:20,949 --> 01:27:24,236
followed by a moment of panic
on your part, apparently.
2023
01:27:24,236 --> 01:27:27,155
Panic? I came by your room.
2024
01:27:27,155 --> 01:27:28,890
Yes, and then you ran away.
2025
01:27:28,890 --> 01:27:30,776
That wasn't panic,
sweetheart.
2026
01:27:30,776 --> 01:27:32,510
That was
an unwillingness to compete
2027
01:27:32,510 --> 01:27:35,447
with the walking checklist
that was in your bed.
2028
01:27:35,447 --> 01:27:36,782
You should be thanking me.
2029
01:27:36,782 --> 01:27:38,083
Uh, we got 10 seconds.
2030
01:27:38,083 --> 01:27:41,336
Are we ready to soar
up, up and away?
2031
01:27:41,336 --> 01:27:44,239
Well, there you have it, folks.
That's the ugly truth.
2032
01:27:44,239 --> 01:27:46,074
A girl in heat for two guys
2033
01:27:46,074 --> 01:27:48,410
will always choose the one
with the better résumé.
2034
01:27:48,410 --> 01:27:49,777
That is bullsh--
2035
01:27:51,580 --> 01:27:53,515
And we're out.
2036
01:27:53,515 --> 01:27:54,883
[SIGHS]
2037
01:27:54,883 --> 01:27:57,352
God. I hate you so much,
I just swore on live television.
2038
01:27:57,352 --> 01:28:00,973
No, you hate yourself
for being so shallow.
2039
01:28:00,973 --> 01:28:02,507
Off we go.
Where are we going?
2040
01:28:02,507 --> 01:28:04,226
I'm not going anywhere
with you.
2041
01:28:04,226 --> 01:28:06,395
Whoa.
2042
01:28:06,395 --> 01:28:09,463
ABBY: Oh. Well, that's a shocker,
you're bailing.
2043
01:28:09,463 --> 01:28:10,849
MAN:
I wouldn't recommend that.
2044
01:28:10,849 --> 01:28:13,001
Keep rolling
on the onboard camera.
2045
01:28:15,905 --> 01:28:20,325
What are you doing?
God, what is wrong with you?
2046
01:28:20,325 --> 01:28:22,126
[SIGHS]
2047
01:28:23,746 --> 01:28:26,048
They don't even know
they're on the air, do they?
2048
01:28:26,048 --> 01:28:27,416
CLIFF:
Uh-uh.
2049
01:28:27,416 --> 01:28:29,418
Is there any way to tell them
they're on the air?
2050
01:28:29,418 --> 01:28:30,852
Nope.
2051
01:28:30,852 --> 01:28:32,921
Oh, they're gonna curse.
I know it.
2052
01:28:32,921 --> 01:28:33,671
[#]
2053
01:28:45,868 --> 01:28:48,169
So who
wants champagne?
2054
01:28:49,571 --> 01:28:51,606
Oh, I know.
I got a great idea.
2055
01:28:51,606 --> 01:28:54,109
Why don't we pass the time
with you telling me
2056
01:28:54,109 --> 01:28:57,178
how much fun you and Colin had
having sex in Los Angeles?
2057
01:28:57,178 --> 01:28:59,848
I broke up with Colin
in Los Angeles, you jackass.
2058
01:28:59,848 --> 01:29:02,083
On our left, you'll see
the High Sierras--
2059
01:29:02,083 --> 01:29:03,535
What?
2060
01:29:03,535 --> 01:29:05,420
Oh, yeah.
That's got your interest.
2061
01:29:05,420 --> 01:29:07,923
Well, if you think we're gonna
finish what we started in LA,
2062
01:29:07,923 --> 01:29:10,342
you're out of your mind.
You lost your chance.
2063
01:29:10,342 --> 01:29:12,610
Oh, come on.
I never had a chance with you.
2064
01:29:12,610 --> 01:29:15,947
And to our right here, you'll
see the lovely Sacramento River
2065
01:29:15,947 --> 01:29:18,650
winding its way through
the dichromatic landscape.
2066
01:29:18,650 --> 01:29:20,885
Could you please stop talking?
Thank you.
2067
01:29:20,885 --> 01:29:23,304
You're right. I had a momentary
lapse in judgment
2068
01:29:23,304 --> 01:29:25,690
when I thought you were more
than you are, but you aren't.
2069
01:29:25,690 --> 01:29:26,758
Clearly.
2070
01:29:26,758 --> 01:29:28,694
Oh, yeah?
Well, what does that mean?
2071
01:29:28,694 --> 01:29:30,645
"I'm Mike Chadway.
I like girls in Jell-O.
2072
01:29:30,645 --> 01:29:34,032
I like to fuck like a monkey.
Don't fall in love, it's scary."
2073
01:29:34,032 --> 01:29:36,351
Oh, for God's sakes,
there's the first one.
2074
01:29:38,170 --> 01:29:40,905
Yeah, it is scary.
It's terrifying.
2075
01:29:40,905 --> 01:29:43,709
Especially when I'm in love
with a psycho like you.
2076
01:29:43,709 --> 01:29:45,043
I am not a psycho.
2077
01:29:45,043 --> 01:29:46,962
Love?
2078
01:29:46,962 --> 01:29:47,712
Oh!
2079
01:29:48,331 --> 01:29:49,730
I just told you
that I loved you,
2080
01:29:49,730 --> 01:29:51,732
and all you heard was "psycho."
2081
01:29:51,732 --> 01:29:53,501
You're the definition
of neurotic.
2082
01:29:53,501 --> 01:29:54,820
No.
The definition of neurotic
2083
01:29:54,820 --> 01:29:57,405
is a person who suffers from
anxiety, obsessive thoughts,
2084
01:29:57,405 --> 01:29:59,340
compulsive acts
and physical ailments
2085
01:29:59,340 --> 01:30:00,975
without any objective
evidence of--
2086
01:30:00,975 --> 01:30:02,693
Shut up.
2087
01:30:02,693 --> 01:30:04,996
Yet again, I just told
you I'm in love with you,
2088
01:30:04,996 --> 01:30:07,933
and you're standing here
giving me a vocabulary lesson.
2089
01:30:07,933 --> 01:30:08,683
[#]
2090
01:30:19,895 --> 01:30:22,263
You're in love with me.
2091
01:30:22,263 --> 01:30:24,032
Why?
2092
01:30:25,551 --> 01:30:26,868
[SIGHS]
2093
01:30:26,868 --> 01:30:28,953
Beats the shit out of me,
2094
01:30:28,953 --> 01:30:30,655
but I am.
2095
01:30:39,682 --> 01:30:40,432
[#]
2096
01:30:57,950 --> 01:30:59,884
ABBY:
Oh! Oh, Mike.
2097
01:30:59,884 --> 01:31:01,086
[BED SQUEAKING]
2098
01:31:01,086 --> 01:31:03,788
You're amazing.
MIKE: Ah, I am?
2099
01:31:03,788 --> 01:31:06,441
ABBY:
Oh, you're a god. Oh!
2100
01:31:06,441 --> 01:31:08,643
MIKE: Really?
ABBY: Oh, God!
2101
01:31:08,643 --> 01:31:10,828
[BOTH PANTING AND LAUGHING]
2102
01:31:17,253 --> 01:31:18,954
[PANTING]
2103
01:31:18,954 --> 01:31:20,372
Am I really that good?
2104
01:31:20,372 --> 01:31:22,290
Or are you--?
2105
01:31:22,290 --> 01:31:23,975
Are you just faking it?
2106
01:31:23,975 --> 01:31:26,110
[LAUGHS]
2107
01:31:26,110 --> 01:31:28,346
You'll never know.
2108
01:31:28,346 --> 01:31:29,680
[CHUCKLES]
2109
01:31:29,680 --> 01:31:31,165
[FLO RIDA'S "RIGHT ROUND"
PLAYING]
2110
01:31:31,165 --> 01:31:34,902
# You spin my head right round
Right round #
2111
01:31:34,902 --> 01:31:38,756
# When you go down
When you go down, down #
2112
01:31:38,756 --> 01:31:42,593
# You spin my head right round
Right round #
2113
01:31:42,593 --> 01:31:46,030
# When you go down
When you go down, down #
2114
01:31:46,030 --> 01:31:47,999
# Walked out of the house
With my swagger #
2115
01:31:47,999 --> 01:31:50,101
# Hop in there with dough
I got places to go #
2116
01:31:50,101 --> 01:31:51,836
# People to see
Time is precious #
2117
01:31:51,836 --> 01:31:54,205
# I look at my cotty
They out of control #
2118
01:31:54,205 --> 01:31:55,706
# Just like my mind
Where I'm going #
2119
01:31:55,706 --> 01:31:57,709
# No women, no shorties
No nothing but clothes #
2120
01:31:57,709 --> 01:31:59,477
# No stopping now
My Pirellis on roll #
2121
01:31:59,477 --> 01:32:01,679
# I like my jewelry
That's always on whoa #
2122
01:32:01,679 --> 01:32:03,348
# I know the storm is coming #
2123
01:32:03,348 --> 01:32:05,583
# My pockets keep telling me
It's gonna shower #
2124
01:32:05,583 --> 01:32:07,352
# Call up my homies
It's on #
2125
01:32:07,352 --> 01:32:09,553
# Then pop in the next
Because this mix'll be ours #
2126
01:32:09,553 --> 01:32:11,456
# We keep a fade-away shot
Because we balling #
2127
01:32:11,456 --> 01:32:13,591
# It's platinum patron
That be ours, li'l mama #
2128
01:32:13,591 --> 01:32:15,093
# I owe you just
Like the flowers #
2129
01:32:15,093 --> 01:32:17,428
# Girl, you the drink with
All that goodie power #
2130
01:32:17,428 --> 01:32:21,165
# You spin my head right round
Right round #
2131
01:32:21,165 --> 01:32:24,802
# When you go down
When you go down, down #
2132
01:32:24,802 --> 01:32:28,839
# You spin my head right round
Right round #
2133
01:32:28,839 --> 01:32:31,943
# When you go down
When you go down, down #
2134
01:32:31,943 --> 01:32:34,112
# From the top of the pole
I watch her go down #
2135
01:32:34,112 --> 01:32:36,047
# She got me throwing
My money around #
2136
01:32:36,047 --> 01:32:38,249
# Ain't nothing more beautiful
To be found #
2137
01:32:38,249 --> 01:32:39,850
# It's going down, down #
2138
01:32:39,850 --> 01:32:41,819
# From the top of the pole
I watch her go down #
2139
01:32:41,819 --> 01:32:43,854
# She got me throwing
My money around #
2140
01:32:43,854 --> 01:32:45,990
# Ain't nothing more beautiful
To be found #
2141
01:32:45,990 --> 01:32:47,758
# It's going down, down #
2142
01:32:47,758 --> 01:32:49,493
# Hey, shorty must know
I'm the man #
2143
01:32:49,493 --> 01:32:51,662
# My money love her
Like a number-one fan #
2144
01:32:51,662 --> 01:32:54,032
# Don't look at my mouth
Let her talk to my fans #
2145
01:32:54,032 --> 01:32:56,534
# My Benjamin Franklins
A couple of grands #
2146
01:32:56,534 --> 01:32:58,937
# I got rubber bands
Paper planes making a dance #
2147
01:32:58,937 --> 01:33:00,838
# Get dirty all night
That's part of my thing #
2148
01:33:00,838 --> 01:33:02,907
# Keep building castles
That's made out of sand #
2149
01:33:02,907 --> 01:33:05,143
# She's amazing, fire blazing
Hotter than Cajun #
2150
01:33:05,143 --> 01:33:06,945
# Girl, won't you move
A little closer? #
2151
01:33:06,945 --> 01:33:09,113
# Time to get paid
It's maximum wage #
2152
01:33:09,113 --> 01:33:12,083
# That body belong on a poster
I'm in a daze #
2153
01:33:12,083 --> 01:33:14,618
# That bottom is waving at me
Like, damn it, I know you #
2154
01:33:14,618 --> 01:33:16,787
# You wanna shoot like a gun
Out of holster #
2155
01:33:16,787 --> 01:33:19,024
# Tell me whatever
And I'll be your roper #
2156
01:33:19,024 --> 01:33:22,626
# You spin my head right round
Right round #
2157
01:33:22,626 --> 01:33:26,331
# When you go down
When you go down, down #
2158
01:33:26,331 --> 01:33:30,335
# You spin my head right round
Right round #
2159
01:33:30,335 --> 01:33:33,504
# When you go down
When you go down, down #
2160
01:33:33,504 --> 01:33:35,640
# From the top of the pole
I watch her go down #
2161
01:33:35,640 --> 01:33:37,541
# She got me throwing
My money around #
2162
01:33:37,541 --> 01:33:39,510
# Ain't nothing more beautiful
To be found #
2163
01:33:39,510 --> 01:33:41,328
# It's going down, down #
2164
01:33:41,328 --> 01:33:43,414
# From the top of the pole
I watch her go down #
2165
01:33:43,414 --> 01:33:45,283
# She got me throwing
My money around #
2166
01:33:45,283 --> 01:33:47,285
# Ain't nothing more beautiful
To be found #
2167
01:33:47,285 --> 01:33:49,087
# It's going down, down #
2168
01:33:49,087 --> 01:33:51,789
# Yeah, I'm spending my money #
2169
01:33:51,789 --> 01:33:53,591
# I'm out of control #
2170
01:33:53,591 --> 01:33:54,993
# Somebody help me #
2171
01:33:54,993 --> 01:33:57,278
# She's taking my bank roll #
2172
01:33:57,278 --> 01:33:59,130
# But I'm king of the club #
2173
01:33:59,130 --> 01:34:01,432
# And I'm wearing the crown
Popping these bottles #
2174
01:34:01,432 --> 01:34:03,434
# Touching these models
Watching they asses #
2175
01:34:03,434 --> 01:34:05,370
# Go down, down #
2176
01:34:05,370 --> 01:34:09,274
# Down, go, go, down #
2177
01:34:09,274 --> 01:34:12,543
# Down, go, go #
2178
01:34:12,543 --> 01:34:16,414
# You spin my head right round
Right round #
2179
01:34:16,414 --> 01:34:20,034
# When you go down
When you go down, down #
2180
01:34:20,034 --> 01:34:24,122
# You spin my head right round
Right round #
2181
01:34:24,122 --> 01:34:27,691
# When you go down
When you go down, down #
2182
01:34:27,691 --> 01:34:31,862
# You spin my head right round
Right round #
2183
01:34:31,862 --> 01:34:35,566
# When you go down
When you go down, down #
2184
01:34:35,566 --> 01:34:39,603
# You spin my head right round
Right round #
2185
01:34:39,603 --> 01:34:43,041
# When you go down
When you go down, down #
2186
01:34:46,745 --> 01:34:47,495
[#]
2187
01:35:49,681 --> 01:35:50,681
Subtitles by LeapinLar