My whole life, it was obvious
I was gonna end up in this city.
I don't want to be arrogant here, but I'm an incredibly attractive man.
I can't help it. I don't try to be. I just am.
When I was a kid, my mother's best friend used to tell me
that I was gonna be a little heartbreaker.
Turns out she was right.
Her husband came home from work one day
and found us fucking on the Stairmaster.
Los Angeles, California.
That's where all the beautiful little heartbreakers go to live and dream.
30,000 of them arrive here every single month.
30,000 prom kings and queens
and Little Miss Cute Tits,
every one of them with stars in their eyes
and a dream in their heart.
When I first came out here, I had a dream...
a dream of an easy life.
I was gonna get rich from lyin' around
having my picture taken.
I was gonna live in the hills and drive a noisy yellow sports car
and fuck 6 foot girls who weighed 89 Lbs.
Guess what? Most of it came true.
Hey, handsome!
Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Excuse me. - What's up?
Good to see you.
- You're here a little early, man. - Well, you know, a boy's gotta eat.
¶ I don't wanna tell you ¶
¶ 'Cause you're lookin' that way ¶
¶ Turn around and wonder how you keep up ¶
¶ With things that I don't want to tell you ¶
¶ 'Cause you're lookin' that way ¶
¶ Turn around and wonder how you keep up ¶
¶ With things that I don't... ¶
Some men remember breast feeding.
I do not.
I do remember seeing my mother in the shower once.
She had a giant mound of pubic hair.
It caused me an aversion to all things untrimmed.
Ah. Meet Jen. She has a bush like the outback.
Strong hands though. I like that.
Let's see.
Ah, Shelly.
Ladies, if you want tits, go to Canada.
They just do 'em better up there. Don't ask me why.
I don't remember her name. But I do remember the look on her face
when she found out I was also sleeping with her sister.
But tonight I'm not looking for the tight skin of a 20-year-old.
I am in need of assiduation and that changes the game.
Ah, here we go.
The jacket's Dolce, the jeans are by Helmut Lang
and the complexion comes from a strict regimen of facials.
I'm guessing she drives a Mercedes.
By the way, there's only one pick-up line.
Everything else is cheese.
Hi. What's your name?
- Samantha. - Hi, Samantha.
I'm Nikki.
- I'm leaving. - Really?
Why?
- It's late. - You're right.
We should get going.
So wait a second. You had dinner here?
What'd you have?
I had a salad.
- What kind of salad? - A Greek salad.
You had a Greek salad at a French restaurant?
I like that. Oh. Valet, huh?
I bet you're a bad driver. You want me to drive?
I'll flip you for it. Here.
Heads, I drive. tails, you drive.
- There it is. - It's tails. You flipped it.
You always flip it. Don't be a sore loser.
Look, you're cute and everything,
but you're not coming home with me. Thank you.
You're gonna have to do better than that.
"You're cute and everything"? What is that?
I was trying not to be rude.
- You're far from rude. - Aww.
I'll help you out.
Tell me that you're married.
I am not married. That would be a lie.
You're not.
Tell me that you're madly in love with someone.
- That would also be a lie. - Mm-hmm.
Then tell me why I can't come home with you.
I don't know you.
Roll the windows down, turn the music up
and make an ass out of yourself.
It puts them at ease.
It's nice.
Peter Bogdanovich used to live here.
Hmm. I bet he did.
What's that supposed to mean?
Never show you're impressed.
It lowers your market value.
Do you want a drink?
I don't drink.
Come here.
Wait.
No boots in the bed.
It's my bed.
The boots go or I go.
You want to give them a good fucking,
but not too good. Leave a little room for the relationship to grow.
Oh, this fucking...
Hey, Nikki.
Nikki, wake up. I gotta go to work.
Now pay very close attention.
I call this the "roll over sleeping smile".
- Right here is fine. - There?
Yeah.
Nice spread, man.
Yeah, it is, isn't it?
Hey, do you keep these cards on file?
Yeah, we can.
It doesn't matter if you can cook or not.
Women grade on effort. It's almost better when the meal's a flop.
It shows that you're willing to make a fool of yourself.
It's all about creating equity.
Think of it as a point system.
One for flowers, two for dinner, three for an orgasm.
You need 26 points for them to trust you.
And then you can go back to watching football.
- Hello? - In here.
Oh ho ho, you're still here.
And you're cooking.
- I'm trying. - Hmm.
Turn around.
Here you go.
Sit down... and take off your shoes.
I'm gonna go pour you a glass of wine.
Here's what she doesn't know...
I'm homeless, carless
and completely unreliable.
I do, however, own a cell phone
that happens to be right in front of her.
That's right, baby. 19 other offers and I'm here with you
creating equity.
So what do you do?
What?
For work?
Do you have a job?
No.
What did you do today?
I was here today.
Yesterday...
what did you do yesterday?
Yesterday.
Yesterday, I woke up,
I got a cup of coffee,
I had something to eat,
and then I went outside to see what it was like.
And what was it like?
It was nice.
Have you ever had a job?
Yes.
What sort of job?
You know...
jobs on lakes,
jobs on water.
Job-jobs.
Are you looking for a job right now?
Not right now.
- No? - No.
Right now, I'm having dinner with you.
Is that it?
¶ Fire ¶
¶ Me and old Ricardo ¶
¶ We're swooping down to town ¶
¶ We're coming round your way ¶
¶ Tonight ¶
¶ So open up your eyes ¶
¶ Then pull back the skies ¶
¶ 'Cause we are coming round ¶
¶ Kick it ¶
¶ That's right... ¶
That's a lot.
¶ That's right. ¶
Just rack up those points until...
I'm going to New York for a few days.
I thought you might want to come.
I can't.
You want to stay here.
Do you want me to stay here?
Yeah, I do.
Then I'll stay.
I have my cell. I'll leave it on.
Okay.
- Thursday morning you'll pick me up? - Of course.
- You have a safe flight. - I hope so.
¶ Been so long since you told me ¶
¶ Been so long since you told me... ¶
Hey!
I don't like you two talking to each other.
I do not like you two talking to each other.
This is bad.
Stop! Stop!
- God. - How do you like my new house?
You think any girls are gonna believe this is your house?
The young ones do. Oh FYl, I'm a graphic designer
if anybody asks.
What? What happened?
- I blew it. - With who?
- El Paso Erin. - That DJ girl?
No, that's Hi-fi Tara. No El Paso's a somatologist.
- She's... - That's...
I fuckin' froze up. I couldn't say anything.
I... I started making cricket noises.
You know what your problem is? You care too much.
You gotta cut out the conversation, right?
And just like say something to piss 'em off.
- Why? - 'Cause once you piss 'em off,
you set up the apology.
And once you apologize, you look like a sensitive guy.
I am a sensitive guy.
All right, but you've gotta look like a rebel
before you look like a sensitive guy.
- Is that Helen? - Oh!
- Who invited her? - I don't know.
- I didn't fucking invite her. - She's gonna tell people
- it's not my house. - Hey, Nikki.
- Hi. - Yeah, I heard you were having a party
so I thought I'd just stop by and say hi,
see where you landed.
Yeah, not bad. Not... not bad at all.
- So, you want to go swimming? - Oh whoa!
Helen, uh, just...
Okay, we gotta get her out of here.
- You gotta take her home. - What?!
Just take her home. she's gonna blow this whole thing for us.
- I was hoping to meet someone, man. - Who you gonna meet tonight?
- I don't know. - Who are you gonna meet?
Nikki.
Hey.
I'm drunk as shit. Where's my tour?
Your tour's starting right now.
I... I love you.
- Hey, Helen? Meet Harry. - Huh?
A tour of the house should always end in the bedroom.
I like fucking in the kitchen as much as the next guy,
but you're three times more likely to get laid
if there's a bed in the room.
- You're good at that. - I used to be a cheerleader.
- Oh really? - Mm-hmm.
So you took your pants off a lot?
- What? - What?
You date the offense or the defense?
Give me some credit. Offense.
- Mm-hmm. - Quarterbacks?
- Receivers. - Mm.
Took a bunch of acid once and thought my dick was a Dolphin.
I hate the Dolphins.
I'm a Niners fan.
I don't know how I feel about that.
Feels like you like it.
That lady's crazy.
- Crazy good, right? - No. Just crazy.
She almost got us killed...
trying to grab me, get my zipper down...
while I'm driving.
- That's a problem? - She's trying to fuck me
while I'm driving. I need to see the road.
It's an important part of driving.
Somebody's gotta make the first move, man.
Yeah, well, she wanted to know if you brought any girls
over to her house when you were living there.
What'd you say?
What was I supposed to say?
All these things I can say, things I can't say.
Sometimes I get confused. What am I supposed to do?
Dude.
What am I supposed to do?
You're an asshole.
I hate you.
Did you show her the little red Corvette?
But of course... not.
Dude, you didn't fuck her? How could you not fuck her?
- Fuck you. - She's got a magical pussy.
- Ain't nothing wrong with it. - Oh because it's, what,
been worked on like 30 times maybe?
Hey, there's a spare bedroom here if you want to stay.
- Yeah. - Don't let me screw this one up, okay?
This is hot.
Yeah, this is pretty nice.
When you're rich, it costs more money to stay rich.
I always follow up a meaningless fuck
with a chatty phone call.
Keeps me in the game. Most guys drop the ball
after they ball. I look ahead.
An easy call the day after a lay can go a long way.
Hola, amiga!
Lo siento por el mess.
- Hello? - Hey, where are you?
- Uh, I'm at your house. - Really?
So why didn't you answer the phone? I called you twice last night.
You did? How's New York?
These guys don't need a lawyer. They need a babysitter.
So, listen, we have some friends coming over on Thursday night.
We do?
We do. Do you want to check your schedule?
Yeah, sure.
Hey, Gina, how's my Thursday night look?
Oh, that's sweet.
So we're on.
- We're on. - Okay.
- Bye. - Okay.
Bye.
The home team has first and 10...
Oh my God. You didn't tell me you live at the top of the fucking globe.
My car overheated, so I walked up the hill.
This guy offers me a ride.
I say no, but he keeps following me,
so I ran.
Oh my God. Is that a ham?
I haven't eaten since like Thursday.
Cornflakes.
I started this band... me and this guy.
We tell everyone we're brother and sister
and then we get all sexy on stage.
Who are you hustling, Nikk?
- What? - Mm. The house.
- Who's it belong to? - Uh...
it used to belong to Peter Bogdanovich.
Who? Come on, Nikk. It's me, okay?
Remember me?
I was the first girl to shave your balls.
You were the first guy in my ass, I mean...
there were feelings.
It's not what you think.
You can tell me. I mean,
it's not like you're getting any from me.
When a girl tells you you're not getting any,
before you ask,
before you even try,
you're getting some.
Mm-hmm.
What do you tell these women?
Less is more.
Why do you care?
Um, so that when you call me
Lonely and miserable in 10 years,
I can tell you exactly how you got there.
- Hmm. - You're a good person, Nikki.
I mean, this can't feel good.
So what's her deal? How old is she?
I have to be inside you right now.
Every time we have sex, you disappear.
- It's not like that... - You say that every time.
I didn't call you for sex. I called you because I miss you.
Yeah, but now that I'm here,
you don't miss me anymore and now you want sex.
- And you don't? - I want more than sex.
Me too.
What, Nikki? More what?
I... I don't know. It's all very new, this feeling.
You are so full of shit.
You're right.
I am full of shit.
Does she have a bathtub?
You want to shave my papaya?
Be careful with me.
Promise.
I promise.
Lots of times I can envision my future
with a woman before I come.
How long are you gonna keep doing this?
And then after, I just want them to stop touching me.
I don't know.
What if we just gave it a try?
I don't want to do that to you again.
I'm a big girl. I can handle it.
Maybe you just don't care about me.
You cool?
Yep, I'm cool.
You know you're my homegirl, right?
Yeah.
- See ya. - Drive safe, okay?
Yep.
Oh!
The snap...
Brown kicks it off. It's 40, at the 45,
he's at the 30, 35...
Oh yes! Yes!
- No! - Yes!
- What the hell's wrong with them? - They suck,
that's what's wrong with them.
- Shut up. - You shut up.
Jesus Christ.
Turn it off.
- Uh... - Uh...
- Get out. - Her?
Her! Get out.
I, uh...
- Brown has it. - we were watching the game
and, uh, one thing led to...
I'm... I...
- I'm sorry. - For what? Getting caught?
How was your little party?
- What party? - The one my maid cleaned up for you.
Sit down.
Thanks. See you later.
I trusted you. I fucking trusted you.
Yeah? Really? You trusted me?
'Cause it kind of feels like you came home early
to catch me at something, but catch me at what?
I don't really know, 'cause we never really had the conversation.
Oh, the conversation?
You want to have the fucking conversation?
Okay, how would you characterize our relationship?
What? I'm...
You want me to characterize and you can confirm or deny?
- Confirm or deny. - Yeah, confirm or deny.
We are hopelessly in love with each other.
Come on! Are we hopelessly in love with each other?
- No. - No, of course not.
- No. - So how about this?
We have a relationship built on honesty and integrity.
- Samantha, I'm not... - What? Confirm or deny!
- Well, you want me... deny! - Deny is right.
How about this?
I support you and you perform sexual favors.
Is that what this is about?
- We're friends. - We're friends?
Friends who...
fuck.
Okay, how about we're friends who fuck
and you don't stay here anymore?
- Fine. - Great.
I don't know how that's gonna work.
I don't have a car, so I can't...
it's not... I can't come over.
And I don't have a place, so it's not like you can come and...
fuck me, so, I... I guess if we're...
and as my friend,
I think you should be a little bit concerned
that I don't have a place to live.
You are a real piece of work.
¶ Help ¶
¶ Standing at the door, there's a man to meet ¶
¶ shaking on my hand... ¶
¶ As he starts to speak ¶
¶ And he just might be afraid, he just might be afraid ¶
¶ I don't want to hear what he's gonna say ¶
¶ Oh, oh-oh ¶
¶ Oh, oh-oh-oh ¶
¶ Oh, oh-oh-oh... ¶
- Is everything all right? - No.
These pancakes are sour.
They're buttermilk pancakes. They're supposed to be sour.
Oh, maybe you're right.
- Good. - Excuse me.
What's your name?
- Heather. - Hi, Heather. I'm Nikki.
- Hi, Nikki, nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
- Have you worked here long? - Three days.
Really? You new to LA?
Why? You want to show me around?
I don't... um, yeah, okay.
I'm from here.
Okay. Maybe you can show me around.
I don't think so. Can I get you anything else?
How about a phone number?
Why? 'Cause we're so compatible?
I don't know. I just thought we'd get a cup of coffee or something.
When I leave here, the last thing I want is coffee.
Hey, maybe we could go on a hike?
No. No hikes.
We could just talk.
We're talking now, and don't take this personally...
it's not that you're not a brilliant conversationalist...
Okay okay okay.
Why don't you just give me your phone number?
Because I don't want you to call me.
Whenever you're ready.
She's hot, huh?
Yeah.
- I delivered some stuff. - Oh, hey, man. How you doing?
Hello.
I was expecting a phone call, but this'll work.
Who the fuck do you think you are making me chase down my money?
I'm sorry. I... how did you find this place?
Your friend, the delivery guy.
Right.
Where's my money, asshole?
- It's inside. You wanna come in? - No, I don't want to come in.
Uh, look, I didn't...
See ya.
I'm gonna get some lemonade. Do you want some lemonade?
Lemonade sounds good.
Okay.
Ah!
- Oh! - Oh God!
- Oh! - Slap it!
- Oh! - Nasty!
- In your ass! - Love that!
I love the tennis, man. I love the girls' noises...
- You can't go wrong with girls' tennis. - No. No. Girls' tennis.
It's the best. Hey, can you do me a favor?
Yeah, sure.
Tomorrow morning,
there's this girl working at this coffee shop, right?
I got a little thing going with her.
Yeah.
I just need you to help me work this out.
Excellent. When in doubt, call your friend Harry.
All right, look. She's seen the house,
so we gotta play it up.
Hey, I'm not your assistant.
Is she coming now?
Come on. You're killing me, Charlie.
Look, your lawyer blue-lined it, you agreed to it.
- I'll have the oatmeal... - Do you want to do this or not?
- No raisins please. - Excellent.
- All right. Where we at with Jim Case? - Jim Casey.
Shit. Where'd I lose ya?
- You gonna order? - It's... it's...
He's gonna get the eggs over easy
- and... and a muffin. - Can I talk to you later?
All right.
I need a new phone.
Apparently.
That was brutal.
That was karma...
boss.
Is that your car, the Mercedes?
Yeah.
You're getting a ticket.
- What do you want? - Wow, you have beautiful hands.
Can I see your hand?
Can I see... they're beautiful.
- Could you... - Somebody...
would you do a little spin for me?
- Are you kidding? - No no no, just a little spin.
Just... just a little light... that's it.
Just like this.
We're... we're like it's a street party, Doris.
- Look, give me one of these... - Yeah, yeah yeah yeah...
Just give me one of these. Oh! Yeah, look... look at you.
- I'm gonna give you one of these... - You have got the moves.
- Yeah. - All right.
- Have a good day. - Yeah, you too.
No coffee. No hikes.
Hey, this is Nikki. What are you doing?
I'm ironing my pants.
What are you ironing your pants for?
Can I call you right back?
Yeah. Yeah, no problem. Just call me back.
All right.
"I'll call you back".
Doesn't that mean like 15 minutes or something?
You say it all the time. You don't call me back in 15 minutes.
It's been like 12 hours.
And that sucks, doesn't it?
Right, look, you're... you're mad 'cause you can't follow your own advice.
Okay, you can always call a girl. You can't uncall her.
Come on, man. I like this girl.
I'm serious.
Yeah.
Why does all my stuff smell like mothballs?
'Cause I don't want moths.
Well, what's worse, moths or mothballs?
I don't know. If you don't like it, you should take your shit.
Tell you man, between your mothballs and your frogs.
What's wrong with the frogs?
I am Harry the frog here.
I have three frogs. I have two tree frogs
and a bullfrog.
I don't have moths because I have mothballs.
- All right. Get the fuck out, okay? - Come on.
You come over here, you start belittling me.
Just start thinking of a place to store your shit
- and get the fuck out. - It was a joke.
I don't care. Get out.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Hello. - Hey there. It's Heather.
- Hey. - Hello.
Think you might be up for some dinner tonight?
- Where? - Um, La Poubelle? 9:00?
- All right. - All right. Bye now.
Okay. Bye.
Keep this open.
I'm late. Are you mad?
Will you ever forgive me?
Maybe someday when I'm old and gray.
Let's get a table.
Take Camp David, for example. There's no camping.
How much better would it be if the four dignitaries
could just pitch a tent and hang out?
We'd have Israel, Palestine...
...talking out their differences over a campfire roasting marshmallows.
It's just that there's a better way to lead a superpower into the 21st century.
Hey.
I'm with friends.
She's with the commander in chief.
What are you talking about?
You're a little monkey, you know that?
All right.
Okay.
I'm sorry. I have to go.
What do you mean you have to go?
I gotta go. Rain check?
Hey.
- I'm sorry, I really am. - What the fuck?
- What happened? - I gotta go. Nothing.
Where are you going?
- Will you call me? - No.
- You sure? - No, I don't think so.
Are you kidding me?
- Who are you fucking? - Huh?
Who are you fucking?
Nobody.
Liar.
I need you to drive me to the hospital.
- What for? - Just get dressed.
Why do you go to the hospital?
Not your business.
It's none of my business. All right.
Just drop me off. Pick me up tomorrow.
Oh hey, is Heather here?
No, Heather doesn't work here anymore.
"Are you alone?"
Yeah.
I love your house.
What are you doing?
Am I interrupting anything?
Yeah. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
What kind of jelly?
It was jam actually. Apricot.
I love that you know the difference.
Hey, what's your deal?
You're having a good time with someone
and you just take off, you split.
- What's that? - Is that what you think?
What I think is that you have a boyfriend.
- You're wrong. - Oh right.
Then what was the big emergency? Who's "monkey"?
- My little brother. - Oh. Right.
You know, I just met you.
You really need to know all this?
He has MS.
He's 17 and... incontinent.
You know what that means?
Of course.
Hey.
I smoke sometimes.
Mm.
I'm allergic to cats.
Okay.
I hate my last name.
I really like you.
I don't want to rush this, okay?
Okay.
Will you just hold me?
Yeah.
I gotta move your car.
There's street cleaning.
Heather. Heather.
That's cute. I made that move up.
Wake up.
Go. Get the fuck out.
Go shake it off. Go fuck monkey.
What are you talking about?
You're a little monkey, you know that?
You're a little monkey.
You're a fucking whore. I asked you if you had a boyfriend
and you said no.
I'm waiting tables and driving an $80,000 car.
Did you actually think it was mine?
Get out.
Hey. Hey.
- I missed you. - You okay?
- Hi. - Hl.
Let me just tell you a little bit about vaginal rejuvenation.
What I did was, I took fat cells from her thighs
and I injected them
into the walls of her vagina tightening it all up.
So that means no penetration
for five days.
But I think you'll find it well worth the wait.
- See you soon. - Okay.
Hey.
You all right?
You didn't come home all night.
You didn't call. You didn't answer my calls.
You didn't leave me a note.
No, I'm not all right.
- I'm really sorry. - You're not sorry.
You know what I meant.
No, I don't know what you meant.
I know what you fucking said. Why don't you show some regret?
Why don't you show me that you're sorry?
Fuck it. This isn't working out.
Where'd you pick that up? Junior high?
Oh you're gonna go? You wanna go?
You're gonna go now? You better take all the fucking shit I bought you.
- Come on. - Gucci.
400 dollar jeans...
- Stop it. - And fucking...
Stop it.
- Prada... - Stop it!
I don't want it.
You don't want it?
Let me tell you something.
You are getting older.
You're losing your looks.
And your only charming 'cause you're cute.
You're not really charming. You're not funny.
And you're not smart, I hope you understand that.
You're nothing but six inches and a pretty face
and you're gonna have to suffer just like everybody else.
- It's seven. - It's not seven.
It's okay.
You'll be okay.
You're gonna be okay.
You hungry?
Want me to make you an omelet?
Where are you gonna go?
I don't know.
How long do you think it'll be before you come crawling back here?
I don't know.
S... Samantha!
- Say goodbye to the little cunts. - Fuck!
If you like me so much, tell me what you like about me.
I like that you're smart...
and you're interesting...
and you don't take shit from people...
and I like who I am when I'm with you.
See?
It's not even about me. You don't give a shit about me.
- Well, that's not true. - Yeah?
Then why don't you ask me any questions?
Ask you any quest... what do you mean?
- That's a question right there. - No, I mean like
"Hey, Em, how's your band?"
"How's your sick mom, Emily?"
Well, I'm not a question asker.
- You know what it's like? - You're gonna say I'm not...
It's just like I can't tell if you're... I don't know if it's me,
or if... or if you're just afraid.
Afraid? I'm afraid of what?
Intimacy.
- And you're not. - No, I'm not.
Oh come... all right, that's why you're with someone right now?
Don't you ever think that maybe you just haven't met the right person yet?
You know, I feel like when I meet that person,
that I'll ask the right questions.
This is a waste of time. You can't stay here.
You... you tell me that I'm afraid.
And then the minute I get real, you're gonna kick me out.
- You want me to get real with you? - Yeah.
Okay, I have always been attracted to you, okay?
But that is it.
'Cause I don't find you remotely interesting.
- You don't mean that. - Yeah, I do. I think you're vacuous.
And you fuck women for stuff?
You're a whore.
Is everything okay?
Yeah, it's fine.
Harry. Hey, where are you?
Where?
- Nikki? - Yeah yeah.
I'm Sean. I'm Harry's buddy from high school.
Very very nice. That girl's hot.
How are you? I love you.
You're fucking hot.
Harry, yo, I gotta talk to you.
Harry.
Oh my goodness. Hi.
You are fucking gorgeous. Let's do this right now.
Let's just start.
Hey, hi, how are you? Hi, nice to meet you.
Can I just... can you lean back for a second?
All right? Wow?
- Will you rub your box for me? - All right.
- That's not... - Rub your box for me, come on.
Rub your box for Daddy. Fucking love it.
- Dude, what the fuck? - Come on, come on. Rub your box.
Yo, come on, man.
- No, they like that. - No, that's not cool.
- That's not cool. - Will you rub your box for me?
Just like rub your box for me like you were in the shower.
- Don't talk to her like that. - No, they like that.
Did you wash your ass, actually? Can I smell?
- What the fuck, man? - That would be great.
You little fucking whore!
- Okay. What the... - Hey hey hey!
Hey, what are you doing, man?
It's a fucking strip club, man.
Come on, man.
That girl's straight off the bus from like Kansas or whatever.
You don't talk to her like that.
She's a human being, man.
Are you kidding me? You objectify women more than anyone.
What if that girl was your sister, man?
Dude, I wouldn't let you within 10 miles of my sister, all right?
And you wouldn't even go after her 'cause she doesn't have the right car
or the right house, right?
Well, you should've told me that before I fucked her.
Smelled like Teen Spirit, man.
Fuck you.
Get the fuck out of my face.
Here comes your boyfriend.
- Think I can slip in? - Sorry, bro, not tonight, man.
- No, you're kidding me, right? - Not my call.
Come on. I'm sorry.
- You're joking, right? - It's not us tonight. It's a buyout.
Come on, man. I said I was sorry.
You're always sorry. Just take your shit.
I got nowhere to go, man.
I'm sure you're gonna figure it out.
¶ Baby girl, hold on... ¶
Unbelievable. It's unbelievable.
You guys have... what... what about the sweater?
- What'll you give me for the sweater? - Nine bucks.
Nine bucks?! No, that's rob... fine.
You know what? Take it. Take it.
¶ You give it u-u-u-up ¶
¶ Baby girl, hold on ¶
¶ I won't let go-o-o-o ¶
¶ I won't let go... ¶
I'm good. Yeah, things are good. Real good.
You've been out there for a long time.
Are you working?
Yeah.
I'm up for a couple jobs.
They're, um...
they're big campaigns actually, so if I get one
it could be real good.
Hello?
Mom?
¶ Hold on, it's just you and me... ¶
¶ Hold on ¶
¶ We can make this Hollywood Hollywood ¶
¶ You can be a big star, big star... ¶
Hi, you've reached Terry.
- Leave a message. I'll call you back. - Mom?
¶ Big star, big star... ¶
- Hello? - ¶ Hollywood Hollywood... ¶
Pick up, Mom.
¶ Big star, big star ¶
¶ We can make this Hollywood Hollywood. ¶
When I first came here,
I thought every day was gonna be a Van Halen video...
hot chicks wearing bikinis
riding around on roller skates
drinking cocktails by the pool.
Damn you, Van Halen.
¶ All the fallen leaves will find their branches again ¶
¶ Raindrops from the heavens, I'll eventually swim ¶
¶ A river, an ocean, a wave in my heart ¶
¶ We got your money, now we'll make a new start ¶
¶ All the fallen leaves will find their branches again ¶
¶ Raindrops in the heavens I'll eventually swim ¶
¶ River, an ocean, a wave in my heart ¶
¶ We got your money, now we'll make a new start ¶
¶ In another week promise ¶
¶ In another year, I promise ¶
¶ Put your right hand on my heart ¶
¶ Heart... ¶
- What the fuck are you doing? - Swimming.
Look,
I'm sorry about what happened, but this is not fucking cool.
What happened?
I called you an asshole. I kicked you out.
I called you a whore.
I'm sorry.
That's strange.
'Cause it seems like you and I are maybe playing the same cards.
- Yeah. - Last time I checked, you were living
in a $5 million house. Now you're turning tricks for a sandwich.
- I'm not turning anything. - Tell me something, though...
out of everybody here, why her?
I don't think you understand my situation, okay?
I'm about to get evicted from the Sahara Motor Inn.
I'm selling my near-mint sweaters for nine bucks.
And the club sandwich is gonna be the first thing I've had to eat all day.
I don't really have time to be picky.
Going up to my suite.
Are you coming?
He'd like to know if your AmEx is silver or black?
I'll buy him a sandwich... you ratty bitch.
- This is us? - Is that okay?
What? Are you scamming a schoolteacher now?
Used car salesman.
I hate the furniture. Don't look at it.
My roommate's a total pothead. She never comes out of her room.
So what happened to Mercedes?
I told her it wasn't working out.
- What about the Porsche? - Turned into an asshole.
I got back at him though.
I sold his cigars on eBay.
Dougie.
I don't know.
Where you been looking?
Actually, I was on my way to do some grocery shopping.
Bristol Farms on Doheny.
You said you wanted to see me.
Great.
When are you picking me up?
Perfect.
See you then, baby. Ciao.
What do you want for dinner?
Cheers to that.
This wine would be better after 2012.
Maybe we should wait.
We're not in. Leave a message.
Hey, it's me. You know Douglas Dukes,
that video game billionaire? I guess he just broke up with what's-her-name.
And he and his boys are going to Les Trois tonight.
I can't go, but I put you on the list.
Have fun.
You gonna keep stepping on my dress like that?
All night long I'm stepping on your dress like that.
Two shots of tequila, please.
- Got him. - Where?
12:00.
Next to the girl in the yellow.
Not bad.
- Hmm. - Can I have a gin and tonic?
- What are we drinking to? - Trouble.
- Laugh. - What?
I just said something funny. Laugh.
Well done.
- I try. - Any more moves?
- Can you dance? - Can I dance?
¶ Why aren't you coming anymore? ¶
They say you gotta kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.
But in this town, everyone thinks they're royalty.
And the frogs don't stand a chance.
~ I want 150/0. - You're out of your mind.
Fine, 12.
Four and that's my final offer.
What are you, my pimp?
Look, I...
Oh man. All I need's a blanket.
I don't need all those sheets and everything.
I don't want you getting your funk all over.
My funk.
Yeah, you can't wash a couch.
- Night. - Hey, thank you.
I'd let you sleep in my bed,
but, um, I wouldn't want you to get confused.
Good night.
The, uh, couch is...
the couch is a little short.
So, I'm... I'm just gonna...
just gonna lie down here like this.
I'm on the side, away from you.
You won't even know I'm here.
- Okay, I'll take the couch. - No. No no no.
No, wait. Wait.
- What? - What are you afraid of?
You really think I'm gonna make a pass at you?
- You're in my bed. - And?
You don't... you don't think you can keep your hands off me, huh?
Please!
We're adults. I think we can control ourselves.
Whatever.
Sorry.
For what?
What? I nudged you, didn't I?
I didn't feel anything.
Well, I... I... I brushed up
against your foot like that.
I felt that.
Do you feel that?
That tickles.
Like good tickles or bad tickles?
Just tickles.
I can tell you're smiling
and I can't even see your face.
How many times have you used that line?
Oh, I don't know.
But I'm not just saying it to get your pants off.
My pants are already off.
Oh.
What are we doing?
Why do we have to be doing anything?
This is not a good idea.
If I don't kiss your right now, my face is gonna fall off.
- All right. - There.
Oh, I need more than that.
For what?
See if I like it.
If you like it?
Yeah.
Like it?
I didn't like that at all.
- Really? - Yeah.
So none of that was true?
I don't have a brother.
Well, I knew that.
But I'm from Canada.
I'm sorry about that.
So when'd you decide to stop playing Mata Hari with me?
What makes you so sure I stopped?
You're two drinks in
and you're already bragging about all your lies.
I could drink you under the table.
- Oh come on. - Oh my God...
- Nikki, hi. - Hey.
- How are you? Hi. - Hey.
Hey, remember me?
Yeah, of course.
- What's my name? - Your name.
My name.
I'm blanking out. Um, I'm blanking.
You don't remember.
That was fucked up.
- Sorry. - Don't be sorry.
She's a jerk.
Chew this into your food.
- Mm? - Yeah.
- Oh... ah! - Oh my God. Waiter!
- How can I assist? - I don't want to cause a scene,
but there's garbage in the food. We're leaving now.
- Wow. - I'm sorry, sir.
- Come on. - Yeah, I'm coming, honey.
How long do you think it takes for it to set?
- I don't know, like 20 seconds? - See the dolphin?
You see the dolphins? There's freaking dolphins out there.
- Oh! - See it?
- Yeah. - There's freaking dolphins.
¶ When I'm lost ¶
¶ You bring me back ¶
¶ When I don't know ¶
¶ Where to go ¶
¶ And it feels ¶
¶ Like I'm alone ¶
¶ When I Hang ¶
- ¶ My head down low... ¶ - Bye, baby.
Bye.
- ¶ I think of you... ¶ - Where are you going?
Out. I'll be back in a bit.
¶ Each night ¶
¶ You wait ¶
¶ Outside my door ¶
¶ 'Cause you want to know ¶
¶ Oh, whoa... ¶
¶ I think of you ¶
¶ When I fall into a snare ¶
¶ And it's all too much to bear ¶
¶ When I think nobody cares ¶
¶ I think of you. ¶
Hey.
You all right?
Hey.
What happened?
I just kinda broke up with someone.
You gotta fucking be kidding me.
He's my fiance.
Why didn't you tell me?
I'm telling you now.
When's the last time you talked to him?
Yesterday.
When's the last time you saw him?
- Don't do this. - Don't do what?
What am I doing?
Like it's a big surprise.
He's rich.
- His family owns the Rangers. - Which one,
Texas or New York?
New York.
Well, fuck, what'd you break up with him for?
He sounds like a fucking catch.
- You know why. - No, I don't.
Honestly, I don't know what to think.
Because I love you.
Happy? I said it.
- Do you love him? - No.
Well...
I don't think I was faking it all the time.
Are you faking it with me?
Why would I fake it?
You don't have a dime or a job or a fucking plan.
What would I fake for?
- Where are you going? - I don't know.
I don't have a fucking plan.
¶ Punk's dead ¶
¶ The world's grey ¶
¶ The sun rules ¶
¶ it sucks life out ¶
¶ Of each day ¶
¶ I hate love... ¶
Heather?
¶ It's soap stars ¶
- ¶ And fake pink... ¶ - "Nikki, I'm going
to New York to try to sort this out.
Don't burn down the house. Big hug. Heather".
Just come back. You... don't leave.
I know you're not gone yet. You can't be gone yet.
You couldn't have gotten a flight that fast.
Just... fuck. Just call me back and come back.
¶ Plastic matrix ¶
¶ Of cartoon ¶
¶ People ¶
¶ Who talk loud ¶
¶ And don't say anything ¶
¶ But let her go. ¶
Okay, this is hard to believe it's not real meat.
- Do... do you mind if I... - Oh, please.
Look who it is.
- Mr. Monday night! - Hey.
Hey. What are you doing?
You want to watch the game?
- All that beer for you? - No.
Uh... this one's for me
and then I got another one.
- Oh, here we go. - Oopsie.
Do you, um...
what do you say I drive you home?
- Okay. - Okay.
Don't get sick in the car. Here, I'll pull over.
I'm pulling over. Just... all right.
Open your door. Open your door, don't...
Are you all right?
Do you want me to...
Are you mad?
No, I was worried. I called you like 17,000 times.
It's been hard to get away.
Are you with him now?
No, I'm not with him.
Baby, I'm sorry. I'm... I... look, I'm sorry
I was such a dick. I just... come home.
Do you know what it's like sleeping in your bed without you?
No. What's it like?
It's miserable. I can... I can smell you,
but I can't touch you.
- When are you coming home? - Nikki...
Why can't you just leave now?
- It's complicated. - Baby, I don't...
I... I'm here. You're there with this guy and I...
Who do you think's been paying the bills?
Who do you think bought the bed we're sleeping in?
- Baby, look, that's over. It's done. - Hey!
We're not gonna do that anymore. I'm gonna... we'll get a place.
I'll... I'll...
deliver pizzas or rob banks... I'll become a cop or something.
Hey!
- I love you. - I love you, baby.
- Let me in the car! - Who's that?
- It's a girl. - Why didn't you tell me
you were with someone? Who's the girl?
It's... she's just a friend. I was... she was drunk
and I didn't want her to drive and so I...
I told her that I would take her home.
What kind of car does she have?
This isn't funny anymore!
It's a Mercedes, but it's not what... baby...
I've gotta go.
No, baby, don't... don't...
I was on the phone with my girlfriend.
You're an asshole.
Who is it?
Uh, it's Nikki. I'm a friend of Heather's.
- Hey. - Hi. Is something wrong?
- Do you know where Heather is? - Who are you?
I'm kind of your roommate.
What is that?
Sounds like music.
Where's Heather?
That's what I'm trying to figure out.
- What is your name? - Nikki.
- I'm Eva. - Hey.
Sure means certain.
Pretty sure doesn't mean anything.
Okay, I'm sure.
Okay. Then you need to act.
Like what? Get on a plane?
I mean, make a commitment.
What kind of commitment?
A commitment.
Greene Street.
Believe me, if the ring is the problem,
the ring is not the problem.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
¶ Gonna take you out ¶
¶ Miss November ¶
¶ Underneath a cloud so white... ¶
¶ We won't come back ¶
¶ Until the daylight's ¶
¶ In our eyes ¶
¶ I can feel your heart beat, baby ¶
¶ I can feel your heart beat fast ¶
¶ Gonna take you out ¶
- ¶ Ms. November... ¶ - Actually, I don't know
how to thank you for this.
Just pay me back some time, okay?
- You're a great friend. - I know, I know.
- Okay, you're late, all right? - Good luck.
Okay. I feel like I'm gonna puke.
- That sounds about right. - Go get her.
- ¶ Ah... ¶ - ¶ We won't be home ¶
¶ Until all the birds have flown ¶
¶ I can feel your heart beat, baby ¶
¶ I can feel your heart beat fast ¶
¶ La la la la la ¶
¶ La la la la... ¶
¶ La la la la la ¶
¶ La la la ¶
¶ La la la la la ¶
¶ La la la la la la la ¶
¶ I can feel your heart beat, baby ¶
¶ I can feel your heart beat fast ¶
¶ I can feel your heart beat, baby ¶
¶ I can feel your heart beat fast. ¶
What are you doing here?
- Is he here? - No, but he could be.
Nothing happened with that girl.
It was completely innocent, I swear to you.
Close the door.
You shouldn't have come here.
I had to come here. This isn't real.
You know this isn't real. This is bullshit.
I've been here.
You can't be happy.
Come here. Come here.
Come with me. Let's go.
Go get your stuff.
I can't.
Why not?
Say we go back to LA. Then what?
Get an apartment?
They want first, last and security. That's five grand.
Where do we get that?
Hmm?
- We'll figure it out. - You're not a realist.
You're a dreamer and it scares me.
It's not a diamond.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Marry me.
Be my wife,
to have and to hold and all that.
We're already married.
No. You can get a divorce.
I can't.
Why not?
I need this.
Hey, I'm home.
- Where are you? - Will.
Honey, um, do you have a five for the grocery boy?
Oh sure, yeah, hey.
Thanks, man.
- Thanks. Hey. - Thank you!
- Hello. - Hi.
¶ Good morning, dear ¶
¶ I hope I didn't wake you too soon ¶
¶ Because my mind ¶
¶ Is growing tired ¶
¶ Too much thinking what I should do ¶
¶ I picture you ¶
¶ Out there ¶
¶ it must be beautiful ¶
¶ This time of year ¶
¶ All those East Coast leaves ¶
¶ Floating round like embers ¶
¶ From burning trees ¶
¶ Well the weather out here ¶
¶ Is just the same ¶
¶ But the garden ¶
¶ That you planted ¶
¶ Remains... ¶
When you're a kid, it's LA
that teaches you how to dream.
Tell me that you didn't learn more from the movies than you did from school,
more from TV than you did from your parents.
And what do we learn?
We learn to believe in fairy tales.
Hey.
- How are you? - Do you want to... I'm good.
You?
I'm great.
Thank you.
Take care, Nikki.
You too.
¶ 'Cause everything around me has changed ¶
¶ But the garden ¶
¶ That you planted ¶
¶ Remains. ¶
You know why the departures and the arrivals at LAX
are on separate levels?
So the 30,000 heartbreakers that come here each month
don't notice the 30,000 that are leaving with their hearts broken.
My whole life, it was obvious I was gonna end up in this city.
I'm still here.
¶ Come on, let's go ¶
¶ to where it's fun ¶
¶ I want a slice of LA sun ¶
¶ Whoa ho ho ¶
¶ Honey, let's go ¶
- ¶ Feels like you never have to ¶ - ¶ Let's go ¶
¶ Come down, you don't really want to ¶
¶ Honey, let's go ¶
- ¶ Stay out is all you need to ¶ - ¶ Honey, let's go ¶
¶ Go to sleep, you don't really want to ¶
¶ So come along and pay the price ¶
¶ This ain't New York, this tasty slice ¶
¶ Whoa ho ho ¶
¶ Honey, let's go ¶
- ¶ Feels like you never have to ¶ - ¶ Let's go ¶
¶ Come down, you don't really want to ¶
¶ Honey, let's go ¶
- ¶ Stay out is all you need to ¶ - ¶ Honey, let's go ¶
¶ Go to sleep, you don't really want to ¶
¶ Take a minute ¶
¶ Listen to this town ¶
¶ Don't you ever ¶
¶ Feel you have to come ¶
¶ Take a minute ¶
¶ She won't let you down ¶
¶ No no no no ¶
¶ See you excited ¶
¶ In her arms ¶
¶ LA and all her crazy charms ¶
¶ Whoa ho ho ¶
¶ Whoa ho oh ho ¶
- ¶ Feels like you never have to ¶ - ¶ Let's go ¶