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[Man] 1, 2, 3...
2
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[¶ Lynyrd Skynyrd: Sweet Home Alabama]
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[Children laughing and shouting]
4
00:00:50,917 --> 00:00:53,112
[Kids] Hi, Grandpa!
5
00:00:53,186 --> 00:00:54,517
Hey!
6
00:00:58,658 --> 00:01:01,092
- Ahh!
- [Girl] Grandpa, over here!
7
00:01:01,161 --> 00:01:02,219
Oh!
8
00:01:04,664 --> 00:01:06,427
- Hey, hey, hey!
- [Kids] Grandpa!
9
00:01:06,499 --> 00:01:09,297
Everybody now, happy Fourth of July!
10
00:01:09,369 --> 00:01:10,597
Thanks, Grandpa!
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00:01:10,670 --> 00:01:12,638
That's it, go ahead, kids.
12
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Dig in. I made 'em myself.
13
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- Bleh!
- Blech!
14
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[Grandpa] Pretty good.
How's that taste there, Timmy?
15
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Uh, I'm not really hungry right now.
16
00:01:21,314 --> 00:01:23,111
Why don't you tell us a story?
17
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- Yeah! One of your great stories!
- Yeah, one of your stories!
18
00:01:26,653 --> 00:01:29,417
All right, how about the one
that you kids always love?
19
00:01:29,489 --> 00:01:32,583
- The, uh... the story of Scrooge.
- Scrooge?!
20
00:01:32,659 --> 00:01:35,560
- The guy who hated Christmas?
- That's dumb.
21
00:01:35,628 --> 00:01:39,621
Well, uh, sort of, but this Scrooge
hated the Fourth of July.
22
00:01:39,699 --> 00:01:41,496
Why does he hate the Fourth of July?
23
00:01:41,568 --> 00:01:45,800
Well, uh, the story begins
high on a mountaintop,
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far away in Afghanistan.
25
00:01:51,511 --> 00:01:56,039
[Arabic music playing]
26
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- Mohammed?
- [All] Yes, sir?
27
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Quiet! Calm down!
28
00:02:02,522 --> 00:02:05,423
- They're all named Mohammed, sir.
- Yes, of course.
29
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I must remember to use last names.
30
00:02:07,494 --> 00:02:09,792
- Hussein!
- [All] Yes, sir?
31
00:02:11,731 --> 00:02:13,358
For God's sake, you!
32
00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:20,568
- [Aziz] Is that your brother?
- Hussein?
33
00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:21,971
Why is he voting?
34
00:02:22,041 --> 00:02:24,737
It's not his fault.
He is the campaign manager.
35
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:27,371
- What? For who?
- Mohammed Hussein.
36
00:02:27,447 --> 00:02:30,848
- [All] Yes, sir!
- Quiet!
37
00:02:30,917 --> 00:02:32,248
All right, everyone.
38
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,483
Well, who's going to be the first?
39
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:37,949
I am.
40
00:02:38,024 --> 00:02:41,516
Ah, very good. Very good.
And what is your name, young man?
41
00:02:41,594 --> 00:02:43,585
- Mu...
- Forget it. Mount up.
42
00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:47,360
- Allahu Akbar.
- What exactly did I volunteer for?
43
00:02:47,433 --> 00:02:50,368
Messenger duty.
Excellent pay.
44
00:02:50,436 --> 00:02:52,996
But, sir, this bicycle...
45
00:02:53,072 --> 00:02:55,540
- What's wrong?
- Well, it's kind of rickety.
46
00:02:55,608 --> 00:02:57,701
I don't know if it can
get back up the hill.
47
00:02:57,777 --> 00:03:00,007
I wouldn't worry about that.
48
00:03:00,079 --> 00:03:02,547
- Maybe if I take some bombs off...
- No, no, no.
49
00:03:02,615 --> 00:03:06,073
- It is a part of the uniform.
- Ah.
50
00:03:06,152 --> 00:03:07,585
[Brake handles squeaking]
51
00:03:07,654 --> 00:03:10,145
And it doesn't seem
to have any brakes.
52
00:03:10,256 --> 00:03:13,714
It's OK.
Allah will stop you.
53
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Of course.
54
00:03:21,234 --> 00:03:24,294
Oh, yeah, Allah will stop me.
55
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Aah!
56
00:03:27,307 --> 00:03:31,710
Aah!
57
00:03:31,778 --> 00:03:34,212
Oh!
58
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:35,269
Jesus!
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00:03:35,348 --> 00:03:37,908
You! Go get him.
60
00:03:40,420 --> 00:03:44,186
- [Moaning]
- I found the problem, sir!
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00:03:44,257 --> 00:03:47,021
This idiot forgot to pull the firing...
62
00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:54,433
[Ahmed] Don't you see?
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00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:57,094
We have at least destroyed
an infidel's car.
64
00:03:57,170 --> 00:03:59,730
That was my car.
65
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:13,014
[Aziz] What's going on here?
66
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,384
Huh? What are you people doing?
67
00:04:15,455 --> 00:04:17,787
Why are you voting
in this infidel election?
68
00:04:17,857 --> 00:04:19,791
Because we want democracy,
69
00:04:19,859 --> 00:04:22,692
freedom, elect a president
who will be accountable.
70
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:25,026
Enough! Mohammed, take care of him!
71
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:27,794
Mohammed, what in the name
of Allah are you doing?
72
00:04:27,867 --> 00:04:32,031
I'm not voting for president. But I feel
strongly about Proposition 12.
73
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,505
A marriage should be
between a man and a woman.
74
00:04:36,075 --> 00:04:38,543
Or between a man
and a really good-looking man.
75
00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:42,707
- Shut up.
- This is what you vote for?
76
00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:45,717
That and immigration.
We need a guest worker program
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00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:48,618
so that the Mexicans can do the job
the Taliban won't.
78
00:04:48,688 --> 00:04:50,849
[Mariachi music blaring on radio]
79
00:04:56,195 --> 00:04:58,789
These Western ideas are dangerous.
80
00:04:58,865 --> 00:05:00,730
We must resist them at every turn.
81
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,234
Leader, we're not strong anymore.
82
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,703
Since the Americans came,
people have hope.
83
00:05:05,772 --> 00:05:09,503
- They are voting, woman own businesses.
- Yes, it is getting harder
84
00:05:09,575 --> 00:05:12,510
to find suicide bombers,
and all the good ones are gone.
85
00:05:12,578 --> 00:05:16,105
Sir, I think we might need
a new recruitment video.
86
00:05:16,182 --> 00:05:17,979
Look, ours...
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it looks, you know, cheap.
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[Announcer] This video will teach you.
89
00:05:25,758 --> 00:05:27,817
Here are Ahmed and Ahman.
90
00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:30,920
They may be brothers,
but they couldn't be more different.
91
00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:33,625
Ahmed knows punctuality is important.
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00:05:33,700 --> 00:05:36,635
He's sure to leave plenty of time
to get to his bombing site.
93
00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:38,364
[Ahmed screaming, indistinct]
94
00:05:40,106 --> 00:05:43,439
[Announcer] Ahman leaves
everything to the last minute.
95
00:05:43,509 --> 00:05:45,500
[Ahman] Oh, shit!
96
00:05:45,578 --> 00:05:48,342
[Announcer] Ahmed double checks
the address of the site
97
00:05:48,414 --> 00:05:49,779
so there are no mistakes.
98
00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:51,316
Ahman doesn't.
99
00:05:51,384 --> 00:05:53,147
2518, 2519...
100
00:05:53,219 --> 00:05:54,948
Shit!
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00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:57,216
[Announcer] Ahmed dresses properly,
102
00:05:57,290 --> 00:06:00,623
wearing clothing that is loose enough
to hide his explosives.
103
00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:03,423
Ahman dresses inappropriately.
104
00:06:04,764 --> 00:06:08,791
Oh. You are right.
It is awful.
105
00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:10,563
If I may suggest, sir,
106
00:06:10,636 --> 00:06:14,572
what we need is
a real Hollywood director to help us.
107
00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:18,337
But he must hate America.
108
00:06:18,411 --> 00:06:21,471
This won't be hard to find in
Hollywood. They all hate America.
109
00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:25,847
Yes, but your average, girly-man
Hollywood director won't be enough.
110
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What we need is someone
who really, really hates America.
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00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:35,986
[Man] Is the camera on?
OK, action. Ahem.
112
00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:38,030
I am on the island
paradise, Cuba,
113
00:06:38,097 --> 00:06:40,156
where there's a hospital
on every block.
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00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:43,691
As we can see, Cubans have the very best
health care in the world.
115
00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:45,863
Not like America,
where it can kill you.
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00:06:45,938 --> 00:06:48,702
I've got two Americans here,
Bob and Joan Friedman,
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00:06:48,775 --> 00:06:51,869
injured during Hurricane Katrina,
caused by you know who.
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00:06:51,944 --> 00:06:54,378
But haven't been able
to get an American doctor
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00:06:54,447 --> 00:06:57,678
to pay a house call to their
gated community in Shaker Heights.
120
00:06:57,750 --> 00:07:00,878
- [Man] Another mojito!
- Why? Because we're spending money
121
00:07:00,953 --> 00:07:03,649
on military buildup
for this phony war on terror.
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00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:07,557
Doctor, we just want the same care
you give your own people.
123
00:07:07,627 --> 00:07:09,060
OK, then get in line.
124
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Oh, oh! Comrades!
125
00:07:10,229 --> 00:07:12,993
- [Man] End of the line, gringo!
- [Man 2] No skipping!
126
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Cuba is famous for its
free prescription drug plan.
127
00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:16,928
What do you have for me?
128
00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:18,561
- Take these.
- OK.
129
00:07:18,638 --> 00:07:19,969
These are breath mints.
130
00:07:20,039 --> 00:07:23,770
- Sí, señor. Take two.
- [Exhaling] Huh?
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OK, pal, there ya go.
132
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Free. That'll make you feel better.
133
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- There you go.
- Huh?
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Free. You know, in America,
that'd cost an arm and a leg.
135
00:07:32,518 --> 00:07:35,612
- Aw, jeez. Dude.
- Sorry.
136
00:07:35,688 --> 00:07:38,282
That's OK, Paco, you'll be
back on your feet in no time.
137
00:07:38,357 --> 00:07:39,722
- Cuba. More...
- Ready...
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00:07:39,792 --> 00:07:40,850
- than the jewel...
- Aim...
139
00:07:40,927 --> 00:07:42,053
- of the Caribbean.
- Fire!
140
00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:45,495
- A country that cares for its citizens.
- [Woman] Finally, we can move up!
141
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God! This is paradise!
142
00:07:47,233 --> 00:07:50,691
I gotta get back, but I can be
assured that my American friends
143
00:07:50,770 --> 00:07:53,739
are in good hands
in the Cuban health care system.
144
00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:56,036
[Malone on bullhorn]
It's time for me to leave
145
00:07:56,108 --> 00:07:59,737
and say goodbye
to all my little brown friends.
146
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And it's off to America.
147
00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,307
[Woman] America!
148
00:08:02,381 --> 00:08:03,678
[Man] He's going to America!
149
00:08:03,749 --> 00:08:05,011
[Man 2] He said America!
150
00:08:05,084 --> 00:08:06,574
[People shouting]
151
00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:08,950
- Take me!
- Take me!
152
00:08:09,021 --> 00:08:11,512
I do want to say...
153
00:08:11,591 --> 00:08:14,458
Whoa! Get out! Get out!
154
00:08:14,527 --> 00:08:15,960
[Screaming]
155
00:08:16,028 --> 00:08:20,488
[Malone] So many people wanted
to thank me, they rushed the boat.
156
00:08:20,566 --> 00:08:23,797
These people know how bad
it's gotten in America.
157
00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:28,000
Well, I guess they wanted me to spread
the word about what a paradise Cuba is.
158
00:08:28,074 --> 00:08:31,475
- [Screaming]
- Aah! Off my boat!
159
00:08:31,544 --> 00:08:32,533
Yeah!
160
00:08:32,612 --> 00:08:35,046
[Grandpa] He thought
everybody loved his movies.
161
00:08:35,114 --> 00:08:36,547
- [girl] Did they?
- No!
162
00:08:36,616 --> 00:08:39,847
Nobody loves documentaries.
But people do find them restful.
163
00:08:39,919 --> 00:08:41,978
[Yawning]
164
00:08:42,054 --> 00:08:43,646
[Malone] Thank you! Thank you!
165
00:08:43,723 --> 00:08:44,849
Thank you!
166
00:08:44,924 --> 00:08:48,189
Thank you for that
great New York reception.
167
00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:50,491
But as important as this movie is,
168
00:08:50,563 --> 00:08:54,363
even more important is
the largest peace demonstration
169
00:08:54,433 --> 00:08:56,128
the world has ever known.
170
00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:59,603
This Sunday,
we're gonna abolish July 4th.
171
00:08:59,672 --> 00:09:00,730
[Cheering]
172
00:09:00,806 --> 00:09:02,501
[Girl] Why did he hate Fourth of July?
173
00:09:02,575 --> 00:09:05,976
[Boy] It was America's birthday
party and he wasn't invited.
174
00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:08,513
[Kids] Grandpa, get back to the story!
175
00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:11,709
We're sending packages to soldiers
for the Fourth of July.
176
00:09:11,784 --> 00:09:14,878
They're far from their home,
away from their families.
177
00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:18,549
They shouldn't be. Shouldn't you
be in a tent somewhere, tyin' knots?
178
00:09:20,126 --> 00:09:23,425
Oh, ho, now, this is more like it!
There ya go.
179
00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:27,990
I'll take three chocolate mints,
three fudge...
180
00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:30,365
Oh, merit badges.
What are those for?
181
00:09:30,436 --> 00:09:33,428
Oh. Well, this is for making
a safety display.
182
00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:37,169
This one's for camping,
and this is a good manners badge.
183
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:38,505
Oh!
184
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,876
For being respectful
to a fat, ignorant,
185
00:09:40,947 --> 00:09:42,278
traitorous sack of shit.
186
00:09:44,016 --> 00:09:45,381
[Girl] Grandpa!
187
00:09:45,451 --> 00:09:46,941
- Grandpa!
- [Boy] I heard you!
188
00:09:47,019 --> 00:09:48,782
Oh, what? I didn't say that.
189
00:09:48,854 --> 00:09:49,912
I said, uh...
190
00:09:49,989 --> 00:09:52,685
Fat, ignorant, America-hating traitor.
191
00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:54,749
- You did say that.
- No, I didn't.
192
00:09:54,827 --> 00:09:56,818
[Malone] Ha ha! The spirit is back.
193
00:09:56,896 --> 00:10:00,559
We are on a roll, people.
This rally will be historic.
194
00:10:00,633 --> 00:10:03,727
- Most important since Nixon.
- Nixon?
195
00:10:03,803 --> 00:10:06,397
Total dork president
from around the Civil War.
196
00:10:06,472 --> 00:10:08,838
All the most important
progressive organizations
197
00:10:08,908 --> 00:10:10,239
will be represented. Jane?
198
00:10:10,309 --> 00:10:13,904
So far, People
For The Anti-American Way,
199
00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:17,643
Vegans Against Fur,
Man-boy Love Boat,
200
00:10:17,717 --> 00:10:20,743
Potawamie Casino,
Church of Entitlement,
201
00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:22,219
- and, um...
- And?
202
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:25,155
And... it's still early.
203
00:10:25,224 --> 00:10:26,248
The rally's Sunday!
204
00:10:26,325 --> 00:10:28,088
Don't worry, we'll get more.
205
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:30,754
We're not shaving till
they bring the troops home.
206
00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:33,492
- Thank you, boys.
- They're women.
207
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,291
[Malone] Right.
208
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:38,462
Like all of us.
209
00:10:38,537 --> 00:10:43,873
We have to ban military recruiters
from college campuses. They interfere...
210
00:10:43,943 --> 00:10:45,137
Excuse me.
211
00:10:45,211 --> 00:10:48,078
Oh. Are you here to join
Sailors Against War?
212
00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:50,980
No, uh, I think all sailors
are against war,
213
00:10:51,050 --> 00:10:52,642
but sometimes we have to fight.
214
00:10:52,718 --> 00:10:54,049
Soldiers Against Guns?
215
00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:57,112
No. Those guns come in handy
when we do fight.
216
00:10:57,189 --> 00:10:59,589
The Don't Ask, Don't Tell Brigade?
217
00:10:59,692 --> 00:11:02,024
No, uh, please.
218
00:11:02,094 --> 00:11:04,995
I'm just here looking for my uncle.
His name is... Oh.
219
00:11:05,064 --> 00:11:10,092
- Uncle Michael, hey.
- Huh? Josh?
220
00:11:12,071 --> 00:11:15,529
Hey. This is my... nephew.
221
00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:19,305
Josh. He's, uh...
222
00:11:19,378 --> 00:11:20,970
What are you doin' here?
223
00:11:21,047 --> 00:11:24,380
I came here to invite you
to our Fourth of July barbecue,
224
00:11:24,450 --> 00:11:25,712
like I do every year.
225
00:11:25,785 --> 00:11:29,551
Well, that's very nice of you... again,
but I'm a little busy here.
226
00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:32,182
"Abolish July 4th." Are you kidding?
227
00:11:32,258 --> 00:11:35,455
This is no joke.
Why should I celebrate a country
228
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:39,020
that's caused oppression and terror
all over the world?
229
00:11:39,098 --> 00:11:40,224
Is that how he felt?
230
00:11:40,299 --> 00:11:42,824
He was a war hero.
P. T. 109.
231
00:11:42,902 --> 00:11:45,598
He would've come around.
If he were alive today,
232
00:11:45,671 --> 00:11:48,469
this Sunday, he'd be
marchin' with us in solidarity.
233
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:51,408
Uncle Michael, I realize
how strongly you feel,
234
00:11:51,477 --> 00:11:54,674
- but Lily and I just...
- [mice squeaking]
235
00:11:54,747 --> 00:11:57,079
We won't be going too late.
236
00:11:57,149 --> 00:12:00,243
A lot of our guests are going
to the Trace Adkins concert.
237
00:12:01,687 --> 00:12:04,656
- Who's Trace Adkins?
- I'm good.
238
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,715
He's a big country music star.
239
00:12:06,792 --> 00:12:09,488
Maybe not in New York,
but in the rest of the country.
240
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:11,496
Country music doesn't speak to me.
241
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:14,692
Not just because the music's awful
or the lyrics are stupid,
242
00:12:14,767 --> 00:12:18,225
or everybody dresses like that cowboy
from the Village People.
243
00:12:18,304 --> 00:12:21,535
- How's little Billy?
- Timmy.
244
00:12:21,607 --> 00:12:24,599
Not very well, I'm afraid,
but he's got great spirit.
245
00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:27,840
- He'd love to see you.
- Well, maybe I'll stop by next week.
246
00:12:27,913 --> 00:12:29,972
It'll probably be too late.
247
00:12:30,049 --> 00:12:33,644
- Oh, little Jimmy.
- Timmy.
248
00:12:33,719 --> 00:12:37,246
No. He'll probably
still be around, but...
249
00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:39,951
I'm shipping out to
the Persian Gulf Sunday night.
250
00:12:40,025 --> 00:12:42,391
Well, can't you get out of it?
251
00:12:42,461 --> 00:12:45,487
I want to go. It's my duty.
252
00:12:45,564 --> 00:12:48,089
I don't get it.
How can you be related to me?
253
00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:52,001
Mr. Malone, your 1:00 is here
with people from Abolish The Military.
254
00:12:54,573 --> 00:12:56,734
Well, I guess I got some work to do.
255
00:12:56,809 --> 00:12:59,801
Well, you're invited
in case you change your mind.
256
00:12:59,879 --> 00:13:00,937
Right. Sure.
257
00:13:01,013 --> 00:13:03,311
Uncle Michael, I came
here in good spirits,
258
00:13:03,382 --> 00:13:05,816
and I don't want to let
anything change that.
259
00:13:05,885 --> 00:13:09,150
Happy Fourth of July, everyone,
and God bless America!
260
00:13:09,221 --> 00:13:12,486
[Josh] ¶ My country,
'tis of thee
261
00:13:12,558 --> 00:13:13,616
¶ Sweet land of...
262
00:13:13,692 --> 00:13:15,319
¶ Liberty
263
00:13:15,394 --> 00:13:18,420
¶ Lighted up by the rockets
in the air...
264
00:13:18,497 --> 00:13:20,988
- [kids shouting]
- Grandpa, get back to the story!
265
00:13:21,066 --> 00:13:22,624
I've never left it.
266
00:13:24,503 --> 00:13:28,337
[Jazz music playing]
267
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,840
I'm meeting my agent, Todd Grosslight.
268
00:13:36,916 --> 00:13:38,247
Oh, yes.
269
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:41,548
I'm sorry, sir, but gentlemen
are required to wear a jacket.
270
00:13:41,620 --> 00:13:43,281
Look, don't you know who I am?
271
00:13:43,355 --> 00:13:44,822
I'm Michael Malone.
272
00:13:44,890 --> 00:13:48,257
Well, then perhaps a shower as well.
273
00:13:50,196 --> 00:13:53,427
What the hell? I didn't make
the top 10? That's impossible!
274
00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:57,299
Apparently, the people who like
your movies don't actually go to movies.
275
00:13:57,369 --> 00:14:00,827
No one wants to see Americans
screwed by foreigners, except in porn.
276
00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:02,635
I haven't done porn in years!
277
00:14:02,708 --> 00:14:05,871
- [Music stops]
- [Nervous chuckle]
278
00:14:05,945 --> 00:14:11,076
- Anyway, I'm an Oscar-winning director.
- For a documentary. Come on.
279
00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:12,913
I know that.
280
00:14:12,985 --> 00:14:15,249
I gotta do a feature like John Ford.
281
00:14:15,321 --> 00:14:18,085
That man was a true filmmaker.
282
00:14:18,157 --> 00:14:22,025
The sweeping vision, the amazing
panoramas of Monument Valley.
283
00:14:22,094 --> 00:14:23,686
And soldiers were good guys.
284
00:14:23,762 --> 00:14:27,061
But you're leading
a demonstration against our troops.
285
00:14:27,132 --> 00:14:29,225
Oh, right, on the Fourth of July.
286
00:14:29,301 --> 00:14:32,600
- It's not against the troops.
- Oh, save it for your crazies.
287
00:14:32,671 --> 00:14:35,196
Look, Mikey,
288
00:14:36,141 --> 00:14:39,076
this is a fickle town.
289
00:14:39,144 --> 00:14:41,237
See the maitre d' over there, huh?
290
00:14:41,313 --> 00:14:43,474
Used to be recurring on Seinfeld.
291
00:14:44,683 --> 00:14:47,345
Hey, call me. [laughs]
292
00:14:47,419 --> 00:14:49,512
Now, what is this feature
you have in mind?
293
00:14:49,588 --> 00:14:53,649
It's a powerful drama about oppressed
people adrift in a world gone mad.
294
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:54,750
Hmm!
295
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:58,991
It's anti-everything-America-stands-for
without being anti-American.
296
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:00,497
Hmm...
297
00:15:01,367 --> 00:15:04,859
Fascist America?
Comedy, right?
298
00:15:04,937 --> 00:15:06,871
Wow. [sniffs]
Did you bathe today?
299
00:15:06,939 --> 00:15:08,839
No.
300
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:11,843
[Orchestra playing]
301
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:15,108
[Announcer] And now,
live from New York City,
302
00:15:15,180 --> 00:15:17,546
it's the MooveAlong. Org Film Awards,
303
00:15:17,616 --> 00:15:20,779
hosted by Paris Hilton and Simon Rex.
304
00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:22,650
And now, here are your hosts,
305
00:15:22,721 --> 00:15:24,712
Paris Hilton and Simon Rex.
306
00:15:24,790 --> 00:15:28,317
We are gathered here tonight
because we all share the same goals:
307
00:15:28,394 --> 00:15:32,023
Redistribution of wealth,
freedom from the chains of materialism,
308
00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:34,463
and, of course, ending world hunger.
309
00:15:34,533 --> 00:15:37,297
- [Applause]
- Finally. I'm starving.
310
00:15:38,337 --> 00:15:41,932
It's our pleasure to present
the most prestigious honor
311
00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:44,669
in documentary film,
the Leni Riefenstahl Award.
312
00:15:44,743 --> 00:15:46,574
[Applause, music]
313
00:15:46,645 --> 00:15:49,512
[Rex] As Germany's most famous
documentary filmmaker,
314
00:15:49,581 --> 00:15:52,311
Leni Riefenstahl
celebrated the incredible rise
315
00:15:52,384 --> 00:15:54,352
of Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler,
316
00:15:54,420 --> 00:15:57,753
becoming a tireless promoter
of his campaign for change.
317
00:15:57,823 --> 00:16:00,519
Her pioneering use
of the wide-angle lens
318
00:16:00,592 --> 00:16:03,288
to capture the scope
of massive formations
319
00:16:03,362 --> 00:16:05,990
paved the way for
generations of filmmakers.
320
00:16:06,065 --> 00:16:08,727
Through the creative
manipulation of truth,
321
00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:13,295
she was able to influence history,
demonstrating the power of film.
322
00:16:13,372 --> 00:16:17,536
[Hilton] Although resulting
in the death of over 60 million people,
323
00:16:17,609 --> 00:16:20,271
her place in any cinematic
hall of fame is secure.
324
00:16:20,346 --> 00:16:24,783
And this year's award
for best documentary director goes to...
325
00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:28,581
Michael Malone for
Die, You American Pigs.
326
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:32,351
[Announcer] This is Michael Malone's
third Moove Along award.
327
00:16:32,424 --> 00:16:36,019
He previously won for his documentaries
Shame On You, America,
328
00:16:36,095 --> 00:16:38,962
- and America Sucks A Big One.
- Oh, OK.
329
00:16:39,031 --> 00:16:42,933
Hey. I try to tell the truth
in my films, and I get attacked...
330
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:45,596
- [orchestra playing]
- But I'm gonna continue...
331
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:46,695
Oh. Ha.
332
00:16:46,772 --> 00:16:48,034
Oh. What is that?
333
00:16:50,476 --> 00:16:51,670
Ooh! Ooh!
334
00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:58,410
Get my good side.
335
00:16:58,484 --> 00:17:01,385
That concludes the non-televised
portion of the show.
336
00:17:01,453 --> 00:17:02,715
- [Drum roll]
- Huh?
337
00:17:02,788 --> 00:17:04,813
And now the highlight of the evening:
338
00:17:04,990 --> 00:17:07,049
Best Feature Film Director.
339
00:17:07,126 --> 00:17:08,923
And the award goes to...
340
00:17:10,062 --> 00:17:11,757
[both] George Mulrooney!
341
00:17:11,830 --> 00:17:14,094
For That McCarthy Sure Was Bad.
342
00:17:14,166 --> 00:17:16,430
[Announcer] The heroic story
of newscaster
343
00:17:16,502 --> 00:17:20,768
Edward R. Murrow, who half a century
ago took on a drunken U.S. Senator
344
00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:23,103
who accused people
of being communists.
345
00:17:23,175 --> 00:17:25,643
This is Mulrooney's
19th Moove Along Award
346
00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:29,078
to go with his 11 Oscars, 9 Emmys,
and two Super Bowl rings.
347
00:17:29,148 --> 00:17:32,140
Thank you. I... I dedicate this award
348
00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:34,617
to all the courageous filmmakers
349
00:17:34,686 --> 00:17:36,449
who take on tough issues
350
00:17:36,522 --> 00:17:39,150
like McCarthyism,
even though it no longer exists,
351
00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:42,489
or like slavery or Nazism,
even though they ended, too.
352
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:46,088
But you know, evil exists today.
Like, well, Islamic terrorism.
353
00:17:46,165 --> 00:17:49,225
[Laughing] But like I'm gonna
make that movie, right?
354
00:17:49,301 --> 00:17:52,600
Like I want to get beheaded. [choking]
355
00:17:52,671 --> 00:17:56,038
- [Orchestra playing]
- [Mulrooney laughing]
356
00:17:56,108 --> 00:17:58,702
- Thank you!
- [Woman] George! Over here!
357
00:17:58,777 --> 00:18:00,972
Aah!
358
00:18:01,046 --> 00:18:03,139
Ooh! Mom?
359
00:18:16,995 --> 00:18:18,121
Huh!
360
00:18:19,164 --> 00:18:21,064
Oh! [chuckling]
361
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:24,934
Wow. Mulrooney's so hot.
362
00:18:26,738 --> 00:18:28,262
Huh? Huh?
363
00:18:28,340 --> 00:18:30,331
Excuse us, Director Michael Malone.
364
00:18:30,409 --> 00:18:32,877
I am Ahmed, and this is
my comrade Mohammed.
365
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:33,934
Nice to meet you.
366
00:18:34,012 --> 00:18:38,176
Wait, no. We want you to direct a movie
to inspire the final jihad.
367
00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:42,914
Oh, thanks, fellas, great idea,
but I'm only doin' big-budget features.
368
00:18:42,988 --> 00:18:44,956
How big of a budget would you need?
369
00:18:45,023 --> 00:18:47,082
A feature? 10 million minimum.
370
00:18:47,159 --> 00:18:49,150
Call me when you sold enough falafel.
371
00:18:52,631 --> 00:18:54,997
Ahmed, Mohammed.
372
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:56,159
[Both] Who are you?
373
00:18:56,235 --> 00:18:57,497
It's me.
374
00:19:00,205 --> 00:19:01,570
- Aziz!
- Shh!
375
00:19:03,041 --> 00:19:06,010
- What are you doing here?
- We have a more important mission.
376
00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:08,239
- But the movie.
- It can wait.
377
00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:11,942
This will be the most spectacular attack
on the infidels ever.
378
00:19:12,017 --> 00:19:15,475
But we need to find someone important
with the right connections.
379
00:19:15,554 --> 00:19:18,079
[Malone] I'm directing
Mulrooney's next picture.
380
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:20,352
- Someone like that.
- Director Akbar?
381
00:19:20,425 --> 00:19:22,916
Yes. What will it take
to get him to cooperate?
382
00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:24,360
[Both] $10 million.
383
00:19:24,429 --> 00:19:27,330
Well, the opium crop
is very good this year.
384
00:19:27,399 --> 00:19:29,299
Money will be no problem.
385
00:19:29,368 --> 00:19:30,892
Allahu Akbar.
386
00:19:32,471 --> 00:19:34,598
So I said to Spielberg,
Steve, you can't...
387
00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:36,163
Ooh, crab cakes.
388
00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:38,266
Say, want to go to Clint's
party with me?
389
00:19:38,343 --> 00:19:39,401
Director Akbar!
390
00:19:39,478 --> 00:19:43,278
- We have glorious news for you...
- George! George!
391
00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:44,406
We have 10 million.
392
00:19:44,483 --> 00:19:47,748
Must have been a good opium
crop this year. George, over here.
393
00:19:47,819 --> 00:19:51,482
- 10 million U.S. Dollars, cash.
- Cash? Right!
394
00:19:51,557 --> 00:19:54,048
- Good! So you'll do it.
- Yeah, right.
395
00:19:54,126 --> 00:19:57,118
Have your people contact my people.
396
00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:00,427
I bet she would look great in a burka.
397
00:20:02,067 --> 00:20:04,501
[Entertainment Tonight
theme music playing]
398
00:20:04,570 --> 00:20:08,028
[Humming along]
399
00:20:08,106 --> 00:20:10,131
[Mary Hart] Now, Entertainment Tonight
400
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:13,940
takes you behind the scenes
to discover where are they now?
401
00:20:14,012 --> 00:20:17,641
We're going to find out
whatever happened to Michael Malone,
402
00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:19,741
the beefy filmmaker who's trying to get
403
00:20:19,818 --> 00:20:22,685
a new movie off the ground,
a feature. [laughs]
404
00:20:22,754 --> 00:20:25,222
After the news that
his latest movie tanked...
405
00:20:25,290 --> 00:20:28,384
- What?!
- Who is gonna bankroll that?
406
00:20:28,460 --> 00:20:31,258
This past Tuesday,
we finally tracked down
407
00:20:31,330 --> 00:20:33,321
Clyde the orangutan...
408
00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:33,932
[Seinfeld-like music playing]
409
00:20:33,932 --> 00:20:36,958
[Seinfeld-like music playing]
410
00:20:37,035 --> 00:20:40,027
- Are you sure you have $10 million?
- Absolutely.
411
00:20:40,105 --> 00:20:41,902
Then why'd you come to me?
412
00:20:41,974 --> 00:20:45,239
We heard you're a big, fat liar. Aah!
413
00:20:45,310 --> 00:20:48,006
Sorry. My friend is not detonating
on all cylinders.
414
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:51,015
He meant, your movies
are filled with big, fat lies.
415
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:54,143
It's OK. They're documentaries.
They don't have to be true.
416
00:20:54,219 --> 00:20:56,278
Look, I love America.
417
00:20:56,355 --> 00:20:59,586
That's why it needs to be destroyed,
so it'll come to its senses.
418
00:20:59,658 --> 00:21:02,218
Right. Well, anyway,
we need your help.
419
00:21:02,294 --> 00:21:04,319
No matter how many people we kill,
420
00:21:04,396 --> 00:21:06,193
we cannot get rid of the Americans.
421
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:08,358
We need a movie that shows
we are winning.
422
00:21:08,433 --> 00:21:09,798
Even though we're not. Aah!
423
00:21:09,868 --> 00:21:12,029
Director Akbar, we already have an idea.
424
00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:14,664
It's a traditional Taliban love story.
425
00:21:14,740 --> 00:21:18,232
Boy meets girl, boy falls in love
with girl, boy cuts girl's head off.
426
00:21:18,310 --> 00:21:19,607
What?
427
00:21:19,678 --> 00:21:22,340
Happy ending. He preserves his honor.
428
00:21:22,414 --> 00:21:25,850
Look, guys, I'm not gonna do a movie
about homicidal psychopaths
429
00:21:25,917 --> 00:21:27,384
who cut people's heads off.
430
00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:30,319
I'll do it, but it's gonna be my script.
431
00:21:30,389 --> 00:21:32,983
Dramatic story about
how one courageous man
432
00:21:33,058 --> 00:21:35,526
took on the system
and exposed America's evil.
433
00:21:35,594 --> 00:21:38,324
Like Hannah Montana. Wait!
434
00:21:38,397 --> 00:21:42,595
- Thank you. Oh!
- [Seinfeld-like music playing]
435
00:21:42,668 --> 00:21:44,693
You gonna finish that?
436
00:21:44,770 --> 00:21:47,102
Wait. He's going to work
for terrorists?
437
00:21:47,172 --> 00:21:50,835
- It's looking that way, isn't it?
- Doesn't that make him a terrorist?
438
00:21:50,909 --> 00:21:53,605
[Girl] No, silly.
That just makes him a total idiot.
439
00:21:55,614 --> 00:21:57,445
[Announcer]... first-place tie.
440
00:21:57,516 --> 00:21:58,744
[Changing channels]
441
00:21:58,817 --> 00:22:02,275
[Announcer] John F. Kennedy,
35th president of the United States,
442
00:22:02,354 --> 00:22:04,982
cut down by an assassin's bullet.
443
00:22:05,057 --> 00:22:09,153
The tears were not only for a president,
but for what he stood for,
444
00:22:09,227 --> 00:22:11,593
the causes he held dear.
445
00:22:11,663 --> 00:22:15,292
[Kennedy] Let us never
negotiate out of fear,
446
00:22:15,367 --> 00:22:20,430
- but let us never fear to negotiate.
- My hero. A man of peace.
447
00:22:20,505 --> 00:22:22,530
If only you were president now.
448
00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:25,832
Wait.
449
00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:32,677
If I were president, what?
450
00:22:33,885 --> 00:22:35,409
[Malone gasping]
451
00:22:35,487 --> 00:22:38,923
You said that I was a hero,
a true peacemaker.
452
00:22:42,294 --> 00:22:43,727
[Malone] You can't be here!
453
00:22:43,795 --> 00:22:45,353
You're dead!
454
00:22:45,430 --> 00:22:49,389
- You must redeem yourself.
- How'd you do that?
455
00:22:49,468 --> 00:22:51,959
This is the greatest country
in history,
456
00:22:52,037 --> 00:22:54,505
and you have slandered it
all over the globe.
457
00:22:54,573 --> 00:22:57,872
I was tryin' to be like you.
You wouldn't have gone into Vietnam.
458
00:22:57,943 --> 00:23:00,537
- Who told you that?
- Oliver Stone. In his movie.
459
00:23:00,612 --> 00:23:03,638
Oh, brother! Did you
ever read my inaugural address?
460
00:23:03,715 --> 00:23:07,344
Of course! "Ask not what
your country can do for you.
461
00:23:07,419 --> 00:23:08,943
Ask what..." Aah!
462
00:23:09,020 --> 00:23:12,046
Not that part.
The part about going to war.
463
00:23:12,124 --> 00:23:14,422
- There was a war part?
- Oh, brother.
464
00:23:19,064 --> 00:23:20,793
Let every nation know,
465
00:23:20,866 --> 00:23:23,334
whether they wish us well or ill,
466
00:23:23,402 --> 00:23:25,768
that we shall pay any price,
467
00:23:25,837 --> 00:23:27,771
bear any burden...
468
00:23:27,839 --> 00:23:28,828
[tapping screen]
469
00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:32,274
Meet any hardship, support any friend,
470
00:23:32,344 --> 00:23:37,304
oppose any foe, to assure the survival
471
00:23:37,382 --> 00:23:38,974
and the success of liberty.
472
00:23:39,050 --> 00:23:41,575
Uh, thanks, folks.
473
00:23:41,653 --> 00:23:44,986
Oh!
I didn't know about the war part.
474
00:23:45,056 --> 00:23:48,253
What do you think that meant?
Draft another 8 U.N. Resolutions?
475
00:23:48,326 --> 00:23:49,759
You sound like Reagan.
476
00:23:49,828 --> 00:23:52,262
Thank you.
You're not gonna eat that, are you?
477
00:23:52,330 --> 00:23:56,061
OK, look, you will be
visited by three spirits.
478
00:23:56,134 --> 00:23:57,328
Listen to them.
479
00:23:57,402 --> 00:23:58,391
Learn from them.
480
00:23:58,470 --> 00:23:59,630
Oh, yeah.
481
00:23:59,704 --> 00:24:04,107
The spirits are gonna come scare me,
and I'm gonna be born again, right?
482
00:24:05,811 --> 00:24:07,244
What a douchebag.
483
00:24:09,648 --> 00:24:10,672
Hey, wait!
484
00:24:10,749 --> 00:24:13,616
Hey, when are these spirits
gonna... Aah!
485
00:24:19,257 --> 00:24:22,249
[Alarm clock beeping]
486
00:24:24,663 --> 00:24:25,823
Oh!
487
00:24:27,766 --> 00:24:29,131
What a nightmare.
488
00:24:30,402 --> 00:24:31,630
I'm gonna be late!
489
00:24:33,605 --> 00:24:34,629
Ooh!
490
00:24:34,706 --> 00:24:37,038
[Grandpa] He rushed
to Columbia University
491
00:24:37,108 --> 00:24:39,599
to lead a demonstration
against the troops.
492
00:24:39,678 --> 00:24:42,738
- [girl] What's a demonstration?
- Well, in this case,
493
00:24:42,814 --> 00:24:46,750
it's when students show how much they
don't know by repeating it loudly.
494
00:24:46,818 --> 00:24:50,083
[Protesters chanting]
Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!
495
00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:53,181
Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!
Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!
496
00:24:53,258 --> 00:24:55,123
Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!
497
00:24:55,193 --> 00:24:56,956
Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!
498
00:24:57,028 --> 00:24:58,586
Peace, yes, recruiters, no!
499
00:24:58,663 --> 00:25:01,894
[Malone] There is nothing more important
than stopping war!
500
00:25:01,967 --> 00:25:04,492
No more wars! No more wars!
501
00:25:04,569 --> 00:25:08,164
Because instead of fighting,
we should talk to our enemies!
502
00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:10,140
Talk, don't fight! Talk, don't fight!
503
00:25:10,208 --> 00:25:14,804
Right! Right! Don't believe
the government lies!
504
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:17,348
Don't believe lies! Don't believe lies!
505
00:25:17,415 --> 00:25:20,680
Good... good.
That's good chanting. Good.
506
00:25:20,752 --> 00:25:24,620
There is no terrorist threat!
The government just wants to...
507
00:25:24,689 --> 00:25:27,317
The government just wants!
The government just wants!
508
00:25:27,392 --> 00:25:31,158
That doesn't make any sense.
Please hang on a second. Please, OK?
509
00:25:31,229 --> 00:25:32,389
[Chanting stops]
510
00:25:32,464 --> 00:25:35,126
The government is exaggerating
the terrorist threat
511
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:36,997
for its own nefarious purposes!
512
00:25:37,068 --> 00:25:40,697
What does nefarious mean?
What does nefarious mean?
513
00:25:40,772 --> 00:25:44,230
Well, you know, it means...
just hang on a second.
514
00:25:44,309 --> 00:25:47,107
Can we just stop chanting, please?
515
00:25:47,178 --> 00:25:50,306
- Stop, don't chant! Stop, don't...
- Will you shut up?!
516
00:25:50,382 --> 00:25:52,509
Just shut up for a second!
517
00:25:52,584 --> 00:25:57,317
OK, uh... can we just try
to listen for a minute
518
00:25:57,389 --> 00:25:58,856
without the chanting?
519
00:25:58,924 --> 00:26:01,188
OK, we have to stop...
520
00:26:01,259 --> 00:26:03,727
Hey! Free history term papers!
521
00:26:03,795 --> 00:26:05,092
- [Shouting]
- Whoa!
522
00:26:05,163 --> 00:26:06,790
Oh!
523
00:26:10,135 --> 00:26:11,534
Ooh!
524
00:26:15,807 --> 00:26:17,206
Ooh, thanks a lot.
525
00:26:17,275 --> 00:26:18,674
That got a little wild.
526
00:26:20,912 --> 00:26:24,871
Hey, who are you?
Army recruitin' senior citizens?
527
00:26:24,950 --> 00:26:26,417
Aah! Hey!
528
00:26:26,484 --> 00:26:31,786
That's "Hey, sir", maggot.
I am General George S. Patton.
529
00:26:31,856 --> 00:26:33,483
That explains the slapping.
530
00:26:33,558 --> 00:26:36,220
You're General George Patton,
from the movie?
531
00:26:36,294 --> 00:26:42,130
No. From the United States Army,
back when this country was winning wars.
532
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:45,192
Oh, my God, JFK.
533
00:26:45,270 --> 00:26:50,071
"You will be visited by three..."
Aah! Hey! What's with all the slapping?
534
00:26:50,141 --> 00:26:52,575
It's my trademark.
535
00:26:52,644 --> 00:26:55,636
Well, maybe you ought
to try a baseball cap.
536
00:26:55,714 --> 00:26:57,238
[Protesters] No more war!
537
00:26:57,315 --> 00:26:58,907
No more war!
538
00:26:58,984 --> 00:27:00,281
No more war!
539
00:27:00,352 --> 00:27:03,048
- Hey, where am I?
- No more war!
540
00:27:03,121 --> 00:27:05,282
We pledge ourselves!
541
00:27:05,357 --> 00:27:09,623
We will not support the United States
in any war!
542
00:27:09,694 --> 00:27:11,685
Right on, sister.
543
00:27:11,763 --> 00:27:15,096
- So, what's goin' on here?
- Damn peace demonstration.
544
00:27:15,166 --> 00:27:18,795
Just like yours, only this is 1940.
They don't want us to fight Hitler.
545
00:27:18,870 --> 00:27:21,566
- So they can't see us.
- Right.
546
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:23,130
Hmm. Aah!
547
00:27:23,208 --> 00:27:25,233
This is gonna be harder than I thought.
548
00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:27,437
I'm startin' to notice a pattern here.
549
00:27:27,512 --> 00:27:30,845
- Anyway, this never happened!
- This absolutely happened.
550
00:27:30,915 --> 00:27:35,147
Well, they're pacifists. They understand
war doesn't solve problems.
551
00:27:35,220 --> 00:27:38,348
The only way is to sign
agreements like civilized people,
552
00:27:38,423 --> 00:27:42,325
- not like sadistic movie generals.
- That general you saw was an actor!
553
00:27:42,394 --> 00:27:44,919
I'll show you what
the real Patton was up against!
554
00:27:48,266 --> 00:27:51,394
OK, where are we now?
Who's the guy dressed as a butler?
555
00:27:51,469 --> 00:27:53,460
Germany, September, 1938.
556
00:27:53,538 --> 00:27:57,133
That's Neville Chamberlain,
weak-assed prime minister of England.
557
00:27:57,208 --> 00:28:00,006
Shh. He's gettin' a signed agreement.
558
00:28:00,078 --> 00:28:03,377
[Chamberlain] Right. This gives you
all the Sudetenland,
559
00:28:03,448 --> 00:28:06,349
Austria, and a couple countries
I can't pronounce.
560
00:28:06,418 --> 00:28:08,318
And we'll throw in Czechoslovakia.
561
00:28:08,386 --> 00:28:11,753
So that's C A, no. T... Oh!
562
00:28:11,823 --> 00:28:13,290
Let's make it Poland.
563
00:28:13,358 --> 00:28:16,156
The important thing is we now have hope.
564
00:28:16,227 --> 00:28:19,025
See? He stands for what's important.
565
00:28:19,097 --> 00:28:21,224
Does that look like standing to you?
566
00:28:22,300 --> 00:28:25,235
- There. How's that?
- You missed a spot.
567
00:28:25,303 --> 00:28:28,830
[Patton] Hey! Don't you see these guys
are playin' you for a fool?
568
00:28:28,907 --> 00:28:29,931
[Whistling]
569
00:28:30,008 --> 00:28:33,671
- War is not the answer.
- [Patton] You wimpy little bastard!
570
00:28:33,745 --> 00:28:36,543
You're givin' this Nazi everything
and gettin' nothin' in return!
571
00:28:36,614 --> 00:28:39,014
Not nothing. We get peace.
572
00:28:39,084 --> 00:28:42,451
¶ Kumbaya, my lord
573
00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:45,978
- ¶ Kumbaya
- And a damn fine cup of tea.
574
00:28:46,558 --> 00:28:49,356
Und we'll name
a concentration camp after you.
575
00:28:49,427 --> 00:28:52,396
Think of it...
Camp Auschwitz Chamberlain.
576
00:28:52,464 --> 00:28:53,522
Lovely.
577
00:28:55,033 --> 00:28:56,466
Hang on. I'm good at this.
578
00:28:56,534 --> 00:28:58,502
Mr. Herr President,
579
00:28:58,570 --> 00:29:01,733
obviously America's done
something wrong to make you
580
00:29:01,806 --> 00:29:04,274
want to invade these countries
and kill innocent people.
581
00:29:04,342 --> 00:29:08,176
- I'm just as frustrated as you.
- Excuse me, Fuhrer...
582
00:29:08,246 --> 00:29:10,476
- ¶ You're a grand old flag...
- May I have a word?
583
00:29:10,548 --> 00:29:14,416
Hang on. America keeps doing things
to piss off the rest of the world.
584
00:29:14,486 --> 00:29:15,783
We bring it on ourselves.
585
00:29:15,854 --> 00:29:19,085
What do we do to address
your understandable grievances?
586
00:29:19,157 --> 00:29:21,057
How about carbon emission credits?
587
00:29:21,126 --> 00:29:23,594
That'll offset your need to invade
France...
588
00:29:23,661 --> 00:29:24,958
Aah!
589
00:29:25,029 --> 00:29:27,088
[Soldiers] I don't know,
but I been told,
590
00:29:27,165 --> 00:29:29,099
kill some Jews and take their gold.
591
00:29:29,167 --> 00:29:33,126
Third floor. Right. Sorry.
592
00:29:33,204 --> 00:29:36,264
They really should add flying
to the things we can do.
593
00:29:36,341 --> 00:29:40,209
My point is talking to evil dictators
gets you nothing.
594
00:29:40,278 --> 00:29:42,212
You know one thing they understand?
595
00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:44,771
I'm guessing some sort
of physical violence.
596
00:29:44,849 --> 00:29:48,182
- Strength. That's the only thing.
- Right. I'll remember that.
597
00:29:48,253 --> 00:29:50,881
Is there anything you think
is worth fighting for?
598
00:29:50,955 --> 00:29:54,789
Well, I'd kill to do a feature.
Now, can we please just go home?
599
00:29:54,859 --> 00:29:58,351
Sure thing. Right home.
Cigar?
600
00:29:58,429 --> 00:30:02,058
And support the imperialist
big business tobacco lobby? Never.
601
00:30:02,133 --> 00:30:03,157
It's Cuban.
602
00:30:03,234 --> 00:30:07,227
Hmm... I guess I can make an exception.
603
00:30:07,305 --> 00:30:11,071
Ah! Takes me back.
604
00:30:11,142 --> 00:30:12,370
What the hell is this?
605
00:30:12,443 --> 00:30:16,106
- Your home. Maloneville, Alabama.
- I live in Alabama?
606
00:30:16,181 --> 00:30:19,844
Didn't you hear? Around 1860,
all the good jobs started to move south.
607
00:30:19,918 --> 00:30:22,011
- After the Civil War?
- There was no war.
608
00:30:22,086 --> 00:30:24,577
Lincoln agreed with you.
War was not the answer.
609
00:30:24,656 --> 00:30:27,454
- Saved 600,000 American lives.
- Well, that's good.
610
00:30:27,525 --> 00:30:29,857
Good move for the economy here, too.
611
00:30:29,928 --> 00:30:32,362
- What? Why?
- Cheap labor.
612
00:30:32,430 --> 00:30:35,194
Mass'a Malone! Mass'a Malone!
613
00:30:35,266 --> 00:30:37,894
I had the boys polish your trophies
like you told us.
614
00:30:37,969 --> 00:30:39,436
Polish my trophies?
615
00:30:39,504 --> 00:30:41,734
I ain't know they
gave awards for a documentary.
616
00:30:41,806 --> 00:30:45,264
You know, for your information...
Wait! Who are these people?
617
00:30:45,343 --> 00:30:47,811
You're the biggest
slave owner in the state.
618
00:30:47,879 --> 00:30:50,006
Mass'a Malone, you ain't recognized me?
619
00:30:50,081 --> 00:30:51,207
I's Rastus.
620
00:30:51,282 --> 00:30:54,080
What? Oh, this can't be happening.
621
00:30:55,153 --> 00:30:56,780
Hey, isn't that...
622
00:30:58,122 --> 00:31:00,147
Yeah, that's him, all right.
623
00:31:00,225 --> 00:31:02,318
Don't you worry, mass'a Malone.
624
00:31:02,393 --> 00:31:05,055
We got them bacon stains
out of the upholstery.
625
00:31:05,129 --> 00:31:08,292
It's a good thing ol' Mr. Lincoln
never fought no wars.
626
00:31:08,366 --> 00:31:13,326
Oh... look, uh, Rastus,
you know this isn't real, right?
627
00:31:13,404 --> 00:31:16,805
Whatever you say, mass'a.
Whatever you say, I guess this old ni...
628
00:31:16,875 --> 00:31:18,672
No! Don't! Stop! Don't say that.
629
00:31:18,743 --> 00:31:21,177
Mass'a Malone!
Mass'a Malone! Good news!
630
00:31:21,246 --> 00:31:24,875
Productivity is through the roof since
you sold Daddy and the old folks!
631
00:31:24,949 --> 00:31:27,042
Now we can buy us
about 20 new bucks
632
00:31:27,118 --> 00:31:28,949
and start pickin' some cotton!
633
00:31:29,020 --> 00:31:31,784
[Men, singing in harmony]
¶ The trouble I've seen...
634
00:31:31,856 --> 00:31:35,257
Rastus, tell me, how does old
mass'a Malone treat his slaves?
635
00:31:35,326 --> 00:31:37,794
Mass'a Malone is the bestest,
636
00:31:37,862 --> 00:31:41,025
most kindliest mass'a
a slave could have.
637
00:31:41,099 --> 00:31:43,795
Oh, he don't beat us
unless we awful bad.
638
00:31:43,868 --> 00:31:46,962
And he don't sell the li'I children
until they 6 months old.
639
00:31:47,038 --> 00:31:49,029
No, no, no! I...
640
00:31:49,107 --> 00:31:53,840
Mass'a, don't beat me! I ain't healed
from the beatin' you gave me yesterday!
641
00:31:53,912 --> 00:31:56,745
No, I wasn't gonna be...
Can you make them stop?
642
00:31:56,814 --> 00:31:58,042
Look, here, y'all!
643
00:31:58,116 --> 00:32:01,608
Mass'a don't want to hear slave shit!
Kick somethin' into 4l4!
644
00:32:01,686 --> 00:32:02,710
[Man] 1, 2, 3, 4.
645
00:32:02,787 --> 00:32:05,483
¶ Hava nagila, hava nagila
646
00:32:05,556 --> 00:32:08,992
¶ Hava nagila ve nis'mecha
647
00:32:09,060 --> 00:32:12,427
¶ Hava nagila, we are so happy
648
00:32:12,497 --> 00:32:15,295
¶ That mass'a owns us
He is the best, yeah!
649
00:32:15,366 --> 00:32:17,197
I gotta get out of here!
650
00:32:17,268 --> 00:32:20,362
All right, mass'a leavin'.
Everybody wave goodbye.
651
00:32:20,438 --> 00:32:23,839
- Hope you can buy some more of us.
- We sure could use a baritone.
652
00:32:23,908 --> 00:32:25,466
- Huh?
- [Girl] Bye, Daddy.
653
00:32:25,543 --> 00:32:27,636
- [Malone screams]
- [Boy] Bye, Daddy!
654
00:32:27,712 --> 00:32:30,078
- [Girl 2] Bye, Daddy!
- [Girl 3] Bye, Daddy!
655
00:32:30,148 --> 00:32:31,308
[Screaming]
656
00:32:31,382 --> 00:32:34,749
- Aw, that was sick.
- Not as sick as slavery.
657
00:32:36,888 --> 00:32:40,619
Lincoln is revered now
for fighting that war.
658
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:43,154
Hey, you would know.
659
00:32:43,227 --> 00:32:46,458
- Those rumors about Lincoln bein' gay.
- [Cell phone ringing]
660
00:32:46,531 --> 00:32:48,158
Why don't I just shoot you now?
661
00:32:48,232 --> 00:32:50,166
Well, maybe he just had
a wide stance.
662
00:32:50,234 --> 00:32:52,065
Hang on. I gotta take this. Hello!
663
00:32:52,136 --> 00:32:53,763
Michael? Where are you?
664
00:32:53,838 --> 00:32:57,535
- Oh, I'm in, uh, D.C.
- Yeah, right. Wherever you are,
665
00:32:57,608 --> 00:33:00,236
you're supposed to be
at Columbia in the morning.
666
00:33:00,311 --> 00:33:01,676
I know. Of course.
667
00:33:01,746 --> 00:33:04,044
- [Phone beeps]
- Jane... Hello? Hello? Jane?
668
00:33:04,115 --> 00:33:06,515
[Off-the-hook signal]
669
00:33:06,584 --> 00:33:09,951
- Damn cell phones.
- Here. Use mine.
670
00:33:11,723 --> 00:33:11,823
But do your minutes roll over
to the next month?
671
00:33:11,823 --> 00:33:14,189
But do your minutes roll over
to the next month?
672
00:33:14,258 --> 00:33:15,247
Course they do.
673
00:33:15,326 --> 00:33:18,727
- But do you get unlimited texting?
- You think I was born yesterday?
674
00:33:18,796 --> 00:33:20,195
[Students conversing]
675
00:33:20,264 --> 00:33:21,595
[Door opens]
676
00:33:21,666 --> 00:33:22,860
Your people.
677
00:33:22,934 --> 00:33:24,492
Yep, the students love me.
678
00:33:24,569 --> 00:33:26,469
Love you? They don't even know you.
679
00:33:26,537 --> 00:33:27,799
You're unique.
680
00:33:27,872 --> 00:33:30,102
A liberal director
who can't even get laid
681
00:33:30,174 --> 00:33:32,836
at the University
Peace Studies Department.
682
00:33:32,910 --> 00:33:36,004
- They flock to my movies.
- They flock to slasher movies.
683
00:33:36,080 --> 00:33:38,742
They go to your movies
'cause professors tell them to.
684
00:33:38,816 --> 00:33:42,217
This is where they get information
to support the peace movement.
685
00:33:42,286 --> 00:33:45,449
- It's called education.
- It's called indoctrination.
686
00:33:45,523 --> 00:33:49,357
The American flag is a symbol
of oppression all over the world.
687
00:33:49,427 --> 00:33:51,554
July 4th is a despicable celebration.
688
00:33:51,629 --> 00:33:54,530
I know that look.
You're gonna try to teach me somethin'.
689
00:33:54,599 --> 00:33:56,897
Where we gonna go now, back in time?
690
00:33:56,968 --> 00:33:59,459
We don't have to. We're at a university.
691
00:33:59,537 --> 00:34:00,970
[Pitch pipe plays note]
692
00:34:01,039 --> 00:34:03,769
¶ Nothing has changed
693
00:34:03,841 --> 00:34:07,299
¶ We still think the same way
694
00:34:07,378 --> 00:34:10,609
¶ And if you think the way we do
695
00:34:10,681 --> 00:34:13,673
¶ We'll give you an A
696
00:34:13,751 --> 00:34:16,515
¶ And you get extra credit
697
00:34:16,587 --> 00:34:20,182
¶ If you're poor, black, or gay
698
00:34:20,258 --> 00:34:24,422
¶ Just be sure not to pray
699
00:34:24,495 --> 00:34:27,862
¶ Yes, everything's the same
700
00:34:27,932 --> 00:34:28,921
Mmm!
701
00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:30,160
- [Slap]
- Aah!
702
00:34:30,234 --> 00:34:32,031
[Man] Two, three, four.
703
00:34:32,103 --> 00:34:34,663
¶ The president's stupid,
our soldiers are thugs
704
00:34:34,739 --> 00:34:36,604
¶ The government's dirty
705
00:34:36,674 --> 00:34:38,141
¶ Our cops are on drugs
706
00:34:38,209 --> 00:34:41,269
¶ But we still like our co-eds
with blond hair and jugs
707
00:34:41,345 --> 00:34:44,837
¶ And America's to blame
708
00:34:44,916 --> 00:34:48,317
¶ Just like in 1968
709
00:34:48,386 --> 00:34:50,581
- Are you kidding? A musical number?
- ¶ 1968
710
00:34:50,655 --> 00:34:52,145
A little entertainment.
711
00:34:52,223 --> 00:34:54,555
¶ We were smart
when we had something to part
712
00:34:54,625 --> 00:34:56,388
What kind of a soldier are you?
713
00:34:56,461 --> 00:34:58,827
Startin' to understand
the boots and the whip.
714
00:34:58,896 --> 00:35:02,127
¶ 1968, things were really great
715
00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:03,997
¶ I used to ovulate
716
00:35:04,068 --> 00:35:07,435
¶ You gotta love 1968
717
00:35:07,505 --> 00:35:09,871
Hey, what are you doin' with our kids?
718
00:35:09,941 --> 00:35:10,930
¶ ... in the moon
719
00:35:11,008 --> 00:35:14,068
¶ And so what if there are facts
That we forget to include?
720
00:35:14,145 --> 00:35:17,114
¶ We've already got tenure
So your children are screwed
721
00:35:17,181 --> 00:35:20,639
¶ To a college with half a brain
Nothin's changed
722
00:35:20,718 --> 00:35:23,050
What do your parents
think you're doin' here?
723
00:35:23,121 --> 00:35:25,521
They're just happy to
have us out of the house.
724
00:35:25,590 --> 00:35:28,582
Wanna hear what you're
spending your life savings on?
725
00:35:28,659 --> 00:35:31,560
- I gave up an ass lift for this?
- Take a look!
726
00:35:31,629 --> 00:35:34,359
¶ America's evil, it's a fascist regime
727
00:35:34,432 --> 00:35:37,765
¶ Take over the world
It's the American dream
728
00:35:37,835 --> 00:35:40,531
¶ And pay no attention
to the being supreme
729
00:35:40,605 --> 00:35:46,202
[Malone] ¶ He doesn't matter
Anymore
730
00:35:49,013 --> 00:35:50,037
Oh.
731
00:35:50,114 --> 00:35:53,174
¶ Just like in 1968
732
00:35:54,585 --> 00:35:56,246
¶ 1968
733
00:35:57,522 --> 00:36:00,491
¶ 1968
734
00:36:00,558 --> 00:36:02,458
¶ 1968
735
00:36:02,527 --> 00:36:03,755
¶ Come on to 19
736
00:36:03,828 --> 00:36:05,523
¶ 1968
737
00:36:05,596 --> 00:36:06,893
¶ Let's keep singin' it
738
00:36:06,964 --> 00:36:08,955
¶ 1968
739
00:36:09,033 --> 00:36:12,264
- So, what do you think now?
- I'm still against torture.
740
00:36:12,336 --> 00:36:14,702
OK, so they're
a little behind the times.
741
00:36:14,772 --> 00:36:18,230
It doesn't make it OK for you to
embarrass those great professors.
742
00:36:18,309 --> 00:36:20,277
Doin' a good job
of that themselves.
743
00:36:20,344 --> 00:36:22,209
They're only tryin'
to bring peace.
744
00:36:22,280 --> 00:36:25,875
By indoctrinating an entire generation
to hate its own country.
745
00:36:25,950 --> 00:36:27,542
Well, they teach math, too.
746
00:36:28,819 --> 00:36:32,255
When was it in your life
that you went so completely wrong?
747
00:36:32,323 --> 00:36:33,881
Was it in college?
748
00:36:33,958 --> 00:36:34,982
Before that?
749
00:36:35,059 --> 00:36:36,151
Was it a girl?
750
00:36:38,396 --> 00:36:40,523
[Doorbell rings]
751
00:36:40,598 --> 00:36:43,294
- Michael!
- Molly!
752
00:36:46,204 --> 00:36:50,231
Molly, I'm off to save the world,
but I'll be back.
753
00:36:50,308 --> 00:36:53,368
Oh, Michael, war is
such a terrible thing.
754
00:36:53,444 --> 00:36:54,536
I know, Molly.
755
00:36:54,612 --> 00:36:56,773
That's why I'm going off
to film school.
756
00:36:56,847 --> 00:36:58,712
Film school?
757
00:36:58,783 --> 00:37:01,547
Yes. No sacrifice too great.
758
00:37:01,619 --> 00:37:03,246
You'll wait for me of course?
759
00:37:03,321 --> 00:37:05,312
Sure. Or course.
760
00:37:05,389 --> 00:37:06,981
Take your time.
761
00:37:12,964 --> 00:37:14,625
But she didn't wait, did she?
762
00:37:14,699 --> 00:37:17,930
She tried, but I was gone so long.
763
00:37:18,002 --> 00:37:21,028
Long? You were kicked out
in the first semester.
764
00:37:21,105 --> 00:37:22,265
[Doorbell rings]
765
00:37:22,340 --> 00:37:23,432
[Molly] Coming!
766
00:37:28,646 --> 00:37:31,012
- Molly.
- Marty!
767
00:37:37,121 --> 00:37:38,554
Oh, my God!
768
00:37:38,623 --> 00:37:41,148
This can't be happening!
769
00:37:41,225 --> 00:37:42,487
My best friend?
770
00:37:42,560 --> 00:37:45,723
We fell in love while you were gone.
771
00:37:45,796 --> 00:37:48,264
No! I mean, he's in the army!
772
00:37:48,332 --> 00:37:50,857
How terrible! You got drafted!
773
00:37:50,935 --> 00:37:52,527
No, Michael. I enlisted.
774
00:37:52,603 --> 00:37:54,195
I want to serve my country.
775
00:37:54,272 --> 00:37:57,537
How could you want to serve
the corrupt American war machine?
776
00:37:57,608 --> 00:38:00,076
- Molly.
- Marty.
777
00:38:00,144 --> 00:38:03,511
I just love men in uniform.
778
00:38:03,581 --> 00:38:05,947
Oh, shoot.
779
00:38:09,453 --> 00:38:12,320
You know, that uniform
always worked for me, too.
780
00:38:12,390 --> 00:38:13,550
[Chuckles]
781
00:38:13,624 --> 00:38:15,751
So, you remember what happened next.
782
00:38:15,826 --> 00:38:18,852
Yeah, my first film.
A daring expose on something...
783
00:38:18,929 --> 00:38:20,396
She did the astronaut, too?
784
00:38:20,464 --> 00:38:22,261
And the entire crew of the shuttle.
785
00:38:24,001 --> 00:38:26,128
[¶ The Army Goes Rolling Along playing]
786
00:38:31,208 --> 00:38:33,199
[Sound of record needle scratching]
787
00:38:35,112 --> 00:38:38,604
Well, general, enjoyed this
cruel little side trip, thank you,
788
00:38:38,683 --> 00:38:40,810
but I have an interview in 20 minutes.
789
00:38:40,885 --> 00:38:42,785
Don't worry, kid.
790
00:38:42,853 --> 00:38:44,844
Things are gonna get a lot worse.
791
00:38:49,126 --> 00:38:54,257
The demonstration is outside
the Madison Square Garden.
792
00:38:54,332 --> 00:38:58,393
We need to get into artists' entrance
where there are no metal detectors.
793
00:38:58,469 --> 00:39:01,461
Well, for that, we will need
all-access media passes.
794
00:39:01,539 --> 00:39:02,528
Exactly.
795
00:39:02,606 --> 00:39:05,166
You must get these from director Malone.
796
00:39:05,242 --> 00:39:07,870
He can get them.
He's a documentary filmmaker.
797
00:39:07,945 --> 00:39:12,405
Wait. You got us
a documentary filmmaker?
798
00:39:12,483 --> 00:39:15,611
Yes, but, leader,
he gets to go everywhere
799
00:39:15,686 --> 00:39:17,711
so he can document his hate of America.
800
00:39:17,788 --> 00:39:20,916
Where would they give all-access passes
to someone like that?
801
00:39:20,991 --> 00:39:22,481
- America!
- America!
802
00:39:22,560 --> 00:39:23,754
[Both laughing]
803
00:39:25,529 --> 00:39:28,896
- Ahmed? Mohammed?
- Oh, uh, director Akbar.
804
00:39:28,966 --> 00:39:32,993
- What are you doin' here?
- We are here to watch your interview.
805
00:39:33,070 --> 00:39:36,267
- [Mohammed] And talk about the movie.
- [Malone] Oh, yeah.
806
00:39:36,340 --> 00:39:38,069
Who's Mister Happy?
807
00:39:38,142 --> 00:39:41,202
Oh, him? Aziz is an actor.
808
00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:45,608
Well, he's also our contact
to the foreign investors.
809
00:39:45,683 --> 00:39:49,278
Oh... [laughs] Aziz, my man.
Wonderful to meet you.
810
00:39:49,353 --> 00:39:53,722
You know, for financing a movie, you can
get an associate producer credit. Huh?
811
00:39:53,791 --> 00:39:57,454
Oh, holdin' out for executive producer.
Too clever for me.
812
00:39:57,528 --> 00:39:59,621
You must have been killer sellin' rugs.
813
00:39:59,697 --> 00:40:01,096
OK, we'll negotiate.
814
00:40:01,165 --> 00:40:03,360
How about joinin' me
for the interview?
815
00:40:03,434 --> 00:40:07,632
- No, no, no, he can't be on TV.
- I am here illegally.
816
00:40:07,705 --> 00:40:10,367
Mohammed and Ahmed have visas,
but I could not.
817
00:40:10,441 --> 00:40:12,170
Yes, he was on some kind of list.
818
00:40:14,712 --> 00:40:18,113
[Aziz] I came through Mexico...
with some friends.
819
00:40:18,182 --> 00:40:19,274
Great, great.
820
00:40:19,350 --> 00:40:21,215
Good thing that fence isn't up yet.
821
00:40:21,285 --> 00:40:23,480
This country was built by immigrants.
822
00:40:23,554 --> 00:40:26,751
No matter. We'll get you
a nice cameo in the movie.
823
00:40:26,824 --> 00:40:29,918
Have to shave, though.
You look like a terrorist.
824
00:40:29,994 --> 00:40:31,427
[Malone laughing]
825
00:40:31,495 --> 00:40:32,928
[Laughing]
826
00:40:34,832 --> 00:40:36,766
[Screams, imitates explosion]
827
00:40:36,834 --> 00:40:38,597
Aah! Help me! I'm on fire!
828
00:40:38,669 --> 00:40:40,261
Aah! Bam!
829
00:40:40,337 --> 00:40:41,565
Hey, a bomb went off!
830
00:40:41,639 --> 00:40:43,072
[Laughing]
831
00:40:44,442 --> 00:40:47,741
So what's the next step?
Financing in place?
832
00:40:47,812 --> 00:40:48,801
Yes.
833
00:40:48,879 --> 00:40:50,904
But before the money is committed,
834
00:40:50,981 --> 00:40:53,347
I'll need media passes
to your demonstration.
835
00:40:53,417 --> 00:40:54,441
Media passes?
836
00:40:54,518 --> 00:40:57,919
Well, uh, he wants to hear
the great director speak.
837
00:40:58,022 --> 00:41:01,856
Oh, yes, all right.
We can arrange that.
838
00:41:01,926 --> 00:41:05,418
Be good to have you there,
show that everybody's against violence.
839
00:41:05,496 --> 00:41:08,624
- Especially jihadists.
- [Elevator bell rings]
840
00:41:10,801 --> 00:41:11,790
What?
841
00:41:11,869 --> 00:41:14,201
We need to treat all cultures equally.
842
00:41:14,271 --> 00:41:16,899
Everyone is equal.
843
00:41:16,974 --> 00:41:20,501
Oh, damn. A thread.
Right before the interview.
844
00:41:20,578 --> 00:41:21,875
Allow me.
845
00:41:26,050 --> 00:41:27,984
Oh, thanks there, Ali Baba.
846
00:41:30,321 --> 00:41:32,846
Hi. I'm Bill O'Reilly.
Thanks for watching.
847
00:41:32,923 --> 00:41:35,790
Tonight's special segment is July 4th.
848
00:41:35,860 --> 00:41:39,296
Now, most folks will be celebrating
by going to a barbecue,
849
00:41:39,363 --> 00:41:41,388
a parade, or here in New York City,
850
00:41:41,465 --> 00:41:45,697
to a Madison Square Garden
country music concert for the troops.
851
00:41:45,769 --> 00:41:48,602
But my guests tonight
have different plans.
852
00:41:48,672 --> 00:41:51,163
Michael Malone is
planning a demonstration
853
00:41:51,242 --> 00:41:54,541
- to abolish the Fourth of July.
- Hi, Bill.
854
00:41:54,612 --> 00:41:58,810
And there are always fireworks with
TV personality Rosie O'Connell.
855
00:41:58,883 --> 00:42:00,043
Good to be here, Bill.
856
00:42:00,117 --> 00:42:03,883
Rosie's gonna show us a clip from her
documentary, but first, Mr. Malone,
857
00:42:03,954 --> 00:42:07,481
you're demonstrating against
the troops on Independence Day?
858
00:42:07,558 --> 00:42:08,616
Come on.
859
00:42:08,692 --> 00:42:11,092
It's not against the troops.
It's against...
860
00:42:11,161 --> 00:42:14,858
Look, we support the troops.
We just don't want them to kill anyone.
861
00:42:14,932 --> 00:42:17,628
What? Don't you realize
that these troops
862
00:42:17,701 --> 00:42:21,398
are the only ones standing between
radical Islam and innocent people?
863
00:42:21,472 --> 00:42:22,769
Bill, there you go.
864
00:42:22,840 --> 00:42:25,400
You think all terrorists
are radical Islamists.
865
00:42:25,476 --> 00:42:26,704
That's profiling.
866
00:42:26,777 --> 00:42:30,042
Radical Christianity
is as threatening as radical Islam.
867
00:42:30,114 --> 00:42:32,844
- I don't think she means...
- It's exactly what I mean!
868
00:42:32,917 --> 00:42:34,043
You can't be serious.
869
00:42:34,118 --> 00:42:37,554
I'm serious and Michael agrees with me.
Let's roll the clip.
870
00:42:37,621 --> 00:42:39,521
All right, roll it.
871
00:42:39,590 --> 00:42:42,457
[Announcer] The civilized
world braces itself
872
00:42:42,526 --> 00:42:45,188
for an onslaught of
death and destruction
873
00:42:45,262 --> 00:42:47,560
brought on by radical Christians
874
00:42:47,631 --> 00:42:51,863
as they attempt to spread their ideology
through terror throughout the world.
875
00:43:00,077 --> 00:43:01,442
Praise Jesus!
876
00:43:03,480 --> 00:43:05,209
Hail Mary full of grace!
877
00:43:05,282 --> 00:43:08,115
Look out! It's those Christians!
878
00:43:08,185 --> 00:43:10,949
72 virgins, here I come!
879
00:43:11,021 --> 00:43:12,648
[Announcer] We all pay the price
880
00:43:12,723 --> 00:43:16,090
for the increased security needs
caused by the actions
881
00:43:16,160 --> 00:43:17,525
of radical Christians.
882
00:43:17,595 --> 00:43:20,120
I hate having to take these off
every time.
883
00:43:20,197 --> 00:43:22,791
Yeah. Ever since
that Christian hid explosives
884
00:43:22,866 --> 00:43:24,231
in the bottom of his shoes.
885
00:43:24,301 --> 00:43:27,031
You can't take this on.
I'll have to confiscate it.
886
00:43:27,104 --> 00:43:28,093
Toothpaste?
887
00:43:28,172 --> 00:43:31,005
No liquids since the Christians
tried to bomb that plane
888
00:43:31,075 --> 00:43:34,135
with smuggled nitroglycerine
and let me take this as well.
889
00:43:34,211 --> 00:43:35,200
[Baby crying]
890
00:43:35,279 --> 00:43:38,942
- [Man] Please remove all underclothing.
- Oh, brother.
891
00:43:39,016 --> 00:43:42,577
- Ever since the underwear bomber.
- The Christian underwear bomber.
892
00:43:42,653 --> 00:43:46,054
[Man on PA] All items of underclothing
must be placed in the trays.
893
00:43:46,123 --> 00:43:47,351
Damn those Christians.
894
00:43:47,424 --> 00:43:49,756
- Yipes!
- My God!
895
00:43:49,827 --> 00:43:53,126
If you add extra bleach,
you might get those stains out.
896
00:43:53,197 --> 00:43:55,427
- Hey!
- Have you considered a change in diet?
897
00:43:55,499 --> 00:43:57,797
- What?
- Honey? Wouldn't hurt.
898
00:43:57,868 --> 00:43:59,301
[Man grunting and moaning]
899
00:44:00,604 --> 00:44:02,629
Ever since the suppository bomber...
900
00:44:02,706 --> 00:44:04,901
The Episcopal suppository bomber.
901
00:44:07,611 --> 00:44:10,808
That's not a documentary.
That's The Flintstones.
902
00:44:10,881 --> 00:44:14,681
Bill, using reenactments to prove points
is a sign of a great documentary.
903
00:44:14,752 --> 00:44:16,549
That's what we do. Right, Michael?
904
00:44:16,620 --> 00:44:20,056
Bill, you wouldn't get that,
because you're a close-minded bigot!
905
00:44:20,124 --> 00:44:23,855
Actually, Rosie, I'm thinkin'
your masterpiece may win some awards.
906
00:44:23,927 --> 00:44:27,328
Let's start it off with enshrining you
in the Pinhead Hall of Fame.
907
00:44:27,398 --> 00:44:28,558
Keep it up, Bill.
908
00:44:28,632 --> 00:44:31,294
We wouldn't be at war at all
if we didn't overreact
909
00:44:31,368 --> 00:44:32,858
to that phony 9l11 attack.
910
00:44:32,936 --> 00:44:35,700
[O'Reilly] You can't be serious.
I rest my case.
911
00:44:35,773 --> 00:44:38,333
Can we talk about
the Anti-War demonstration?
912
00:44:38,409 --> 00:44:41,708
You think those towers were brought down
by planes? No, explosives.
913
00:44:41,779 --> 00:44:44,873
- Malone.
- That's simply idiotic. No sane...
914
00:44:44,948 --> 00:44:47,348
It's the first time
fire ever melted steel!
915
00:44:47,418 --> 00:44:50,876
Rosie, I've heard that claim.
It's only made by complete morons.
916
00:44:50,954 --> 00:44:52,819
Now, Bill, our demonstration...
917
00:44:52,890 --> 00:44:55,916
Don't call me names.
We weren't even invaded by a nation!
918
00:44:55,993 --> 00:44:57,426
She's a little far out.
919
00:44:57,494 --> 00:44:59,519
Here's a news flash for you, Malone.
920
00:44:59,596 --> 00:45:02,156
Your movies may not be
as crazy as Rosie's,
921
00:45:02,232 --> 00:45:06,328
but yours are more dangerous because
some idiots believe what you say.
922
00:45:06,403 --> 00:45:07,768
Because I tell the truth!
923
00:45:07,838 --> 00:45:10,534
Because you tell the audience
what it wants to hear.
924
00:45:10,607 --> 00:45:12,268
At least nobody believes Rosie.
925
00:45:12,342 --> 00:45:15,072
You didn't even believe
that Elvis is still alive.
926
00:45:15,179 --> 00:45:17,238
Or that we never landed on the Moon.
927
00:45:17,314 --> 00:45:20,750
I'm gonna take both and
put 'em into my next documentary.
928
00:45:20,818 --> 00:45:24,447
Well, that concludes this look
at the moderate left.
929
00:45:24,521 --> 00:45:28,184
Next week, we'll be looking at
the crazies who populate the fringe.
930
00:45:32,096 --> 00:45:33,188
[Woman] Mr. Malone?
931
00:45:33,263 --> 00:45:35,527
Mr. Malone?
932
00:45:35,599 --> 00:45:36,759
Mr. Malone?
933
00:45:36,834 --> 00:45:38,495
[Boy] Grandpa? Grandpa!
934
00:45:38,569 --> 00:45:39,627
What?
935
00:45:39,703 --> 00:45:41,136
A Mr. Mohammed called.
936
00:45:41,205 --> 00:45:43,537
Something about not being
late for rehearsal?
937
00:45:43,607 --> 00:45:45,472
Heather, I still have plenty of...
938
00:45:45,542 --> 00:45:46,566
A rehearsal?!
939
00:45:46,643 --> 00:45:49,077
How could you be part
of the evil military
940
00:45:49,146 --> 00:45:52,411
and kill my brothers and sisters
who are defending their country?
941
00:45:52,483 --> 00:45:56,817
Yusef, there are no straight men left.
Girls like me have to join the army.
942
00:45:56,887 --> 00:45:58,684
Yes, that's why I joined.
943
00:45:58,756 --> 00:46:01,190
She reads the lines
with such conviction.
944
00:46:01,258 --> 00:46:04,716
Yes. This is so much better
than building pipe bombs.
945
00:46:04,795 --> 00:46:06,023
What are you doing?
946
00:46:06,096 --> 00:46:08,724
W had to start rehearsals.
We have no time to waste.
947
00:46:08,799 --> 00:46:10,426
- But we haven't even...
- Shh!
948
00:46:10,501 --> 00:46:14,062
Say no to the army, run away
to France where they have real men.
949
00:46:14,138 --> 00:46:16,538
No. The recruiters
kidnap us off the street,
950
00:46:16,607 --> 00:46:19,576
talk to us for hours
until we finally agree to sign up.
951
00:46:19,643 --> 00:46:20,803
Like Scientology.
952
00:46:20,878 --> 00:46:23,870
I'll ask the great leader
Osama for us to stay together.
953
00:46:23,947 --> 00:46:25,505
- I didn't write that.
- Shh!
954
00:46:25,582 --> 00:46:28,278
- [Man] To stay together.
- Please. Director Akbar!
955
00:46:28,352 --> 00:46:30,411
- Huh?
- For us to stay together...
956
00:46:30,487 --> 00:46:32,751
[man] Is this a real sword?
957
00:46:32,823 --> 00:46:34,051
[Man 2] Yes. Be careful.
958
00:46:34,124 --> 00:46:36,024
- [Man screams]
- [Malone] Oh, my God.
959
00:46:36,093 --> 00:46:38,220
I will ask the great leader Osama.
960
00:46:38,295 --> 00:46:40,820
She's an infidel. Cut off her head.
961
00:46:40,898 --> 00:46:43,958
- Aah!
- And cut off her balls, too!
962
00:46:44,034 --> 00:46:46,662
- Yaah! Come back here!
- No! Not me! Kill her!
963
00:46:46,737 --> 00:46:48,932
- Death to the uncircumcised!
- Asshole!
964
00:46:49,006 --> 00:46:51,338
- This sword is heavy!
- Just one second.
965
00:46:51,408 --> 00:46:52,602
Give him more lines.
966
00:46:52,676 --> 00:46:55,440
- Hey, isn't that?
- Yes, actor Akbar.
967
00:46:55,512 --> 00:46:57,139
Revered by all Americans.
968
00:46:57,214 --> 00:47:01,776
This isn't that kind of movie. This is
serious, for adults. Not entertainment.
969
00:47:01,852 --> 00:47:04,685
- He will be hard to replace.
- There is no replacing!
970
00:47:04,755 --> 00:47:08,350
This is about militants being
held at Guantanamo without a lawyer!
971
00:47:08,425 --> 00:47:10,791
Meryl Streep already did that!
972
00:47:10,861 --> 00:47:13,921
What about the Marine who rapes
and murders an Iraqi family?
973
00:47:13,997 --> 00:47:15,794
Brian De Palma, straight to video.
974
00:47:15,866 --> 00:47:18,300
- [Clanging]
- Lawyer who fights wiretapping.
975
00:47:18,368 --> 00:47:19,357
Robert Redford.
976
00:47:19,436 --> 00:47:21,404
Soldier who's forced
to go back to Iraq!
977
00:47:21,471 --> 00:47:23,666
- Has an Oscar buzz.
- I want to see that!
978
00:47:23,740 --> 00:47:26,038
- We'll see it Friday.
- It's a date.
979
00:47:26,109 --> 00:47:27,371
[Groaning]
980
00:47:27,444 --> 00:47:30,971
I know. All the really great
anti-American films have been done.
981
00:47:31,048 --> 00:47:33,573
No way we can compete
with Hollywood studios.
982
00:47:33,650 --> 00:47:36,084
[Man] Michael Malone?
What are you doing here?
983
00:47:36,153 --> 00:47:40,453
- I'm directing this picture.
- What? I don't do documentaries.
984
00:47:40,524 --> 00:47:43,960
- Malone! We're under attack!
- [Malone] Now what?
985
00:47:46,997 --> 00:47:49,591
[People screaming, horns honking]
986
00:47:50,467 --> 00:47:52,662
- Come on!
- Aah!
987
00:47:53,737 --> 00:47:55,295
I don't see an attack.
988
00:47:55,372 --> 00:47:58,273
- A gun? I don't...
- Fine. I know. Talk, don't shoot.
989
00:47:58,342 --> 00:48:01,038
Think of that as a talkin' stick.
Let's go, men!
990
00:48:01,111 --> 00:48:04,376
- [Malone] Where are we going?!
- [Patton] Don't step in that!
991
00:48:07,651 --> 00:48:09,380
[Malone] What's going on?!
992
00:48:09,453 --> 00:48:12,183
Sons of bitches!
Get the hell out of this courtroom!
993
00:48:12,256 --> 00:48:16,022
- Stop! You can't just shoot people!
- They're not people! They're the ACLU!
994
00:48:16,093 --> 00:48:17,924
What?! You still can't...
995
00:48:17,995 --> 00:48:19,257
Oh! Aah!
996
00:48:19,329 --> 00:48:21,126
Aah! Aah!
997
00:48:24,868 --> 00:48:28,201
- Fire at will, boys!
- [Malone screaming]
998
00:48:29,006 --> 00:48:31,372
- [People screaming]
- What's goin' on here?
999
00:48:31,441 --> 00:48:34,103
ACLU. They come around
every now and then.
1000
00:48:34,177 --> 00:48:36,372
No listenin' in on terrorists' calls.
1001
00:48:36,446 --> 00:48:38,937
Be nice to Al Qaeda.
Read 'em their rights.
1002
00:48:39,016 --> 00:48:40,347
[Lawyers grunting]
1003
00:48:40,417 --> 00:48:42,476
[Judge] Separation of church and state.
1004
00:48:42,552 --> 00:48:43,746
Aah!
1005
00:48:43,820 --> 00:48:47,620
I'll tell you one thing about
the undead. They are relentless.
1006
00:48:47,691 --> 00:48:48,953
Aah!
1007
00:48:49,026 --> 00:48:52,052
Gun control. That gets 'em
a little riled up, too.
1008
00:48:52,129 --> 00:48:53,596
- [Gunshot]
- Aah!
1009
00:48:53,664 --> 00:48:56,394
I think we could use
gun control right about now!
1010
00:48:56,466 --> 00:48:57,933
Tell it to them.
1011
00:48:58,001 --> 00:48:59,025
Aah!
1012
00:49:00,170 --> 00:49:01,228
Aah!
1013
00:49:01,305 --> 00:49:02,795
Try it. It's fun.
1014
00:49:02,873 --> 00:49:04,602
- [Gunshot]
- Whoa!
1015
00:49:04,675 --> 00:49:07,269
Try not to lead 'em so much next time.
1016
00:49:07,344 --> 00:49:08,470
Aah!
1017
00:49:08,545 --> 00:49:09,671
- Aah!
- Aah!
1018
00:49:10,314 --> 00:49:15,047
What we're tryin' to do here, son,
is protect the Ten Commandments.
1019
00:49:15,118 --> 00:49:16,415
There's still five left.
1020
00:49:16,486 --> 00:49:20,252
Hey, judge!
Is the "not killing" still up there?
1021
00:49:20,324 --> 00:49:21,552
Aw, screw it!
1022
00:49:22,526 --> 00:49:23,515
Aah!
1023
00:49:23,593 --> 00:49:26,255
- Guns are not the answer!
- [Gunshot]
1024
00:49:26,330 --> 00:49:29,231
- Aah!
- Nice shot.
1025
00:49:29,299 --> 00:49:30,994
Oh, my God, what have I done?
1026
00:49:31,068 --> 00:49:33,502
The first one's always the best.
1027
00:49:35,672 --> 00:49:37,537
[Both grunting]
1028
00:49:40,744 --> 00:49:42,575
OK, OK, give me that thing.
1029
00:49:42,646 --> 00:49:43,670
Aah!
1030
00:49:44,715 --> 00:49:45,875
Ooh!
1031
00:49:45,949 --> 00:49:47,473
I bet they heard that.
1032
00:49:47,551 --> 00:49:50,714
Come on! They're on the subway!
1033
00:49:50,787 --> 00:49:52,379
Godspeed, General!
1034
00:50:01,765 --> 00:50:03,630
I'll need to see your bag, please.
1035
00:50:07,804 --> 00:50:09,396
[Grunting]
1036
00:50:11,074 --> 00:50:13,167
This says we can't search their bags.
1037
00:50:13,243 --> 00:50:15,473
[Grunting]
1038
00:50:18,515 --> 00:50:20,483
Thank Allah for the ACLU.
1039
00:50:20,550 --> 00:50:23,781
Now you are going to
see the glory of jihad.
1040
00:50:23,854 --> 00:50:26,550
They're going to fly
a subway into a building?
1041
00:50:29,026 --> 00:50:30,220
[Gunshots]
1042
00:50:30,293 --> 00:50:33,729
Subway into a building... hmm.
1043
00:50:33,797 --> 00:50:37,460
Well, now you've gone too far!
You're against privacy rights, too?
1044
00:50:37,534 --> 00:50:40,094
Only when they interfere
with survival rights.
1045
00:50:46,376 --> 00:50:48,844
Enjoy your privacy rights in hell.
1046
00:50:52,182 --> 00:50:55,083
The Patriot Act is spoiling everything.
1047
00:50:55,152 --> 00:50:57,450
I can't believe
I lent Fayed my backpack.
1048
00:50:57,521 --> 00:50:58,545
Aah!
1049
00:50:59,623 --> 00:51:01,284
- [Clanging]
- [Screaming]
1050
00:51:01,358 --> 00:51:04,384
Sir, we are ready to do our duty.
1051
00:51:04,461 --> 00:51:07,362
Your job is to pick up
the three all-access media passes
1052
00:51:07,431 --> 00:51:09,490
from the infidel director.
1053
00:51:09,566 --> 00:51:13,002
As America watches that concert on TV,
1054
00:51:13,070 --> 00:51:15,595
they will see the power of jihad.
1055
00:51:15,672 --> 00:51:18,232
You are going to blow up
Madison Square Garden?
1056
00:51:18,308 --> 00:51:19,707
When that roof collapses
1057
00:51:19,776 --> 00:51:22,506
on 20,000 American soldiers
and their families,
1058
00:51:22,579 --> 00:51:25,980
we will be held as martyrs
throughout the Arab world.
1059
00:51:26,049 --> 00:51:28,415
But we will be dead.
1060
00:51:30,253 --> 00:51:31,550
Yes.
1061
00:51:31,621 --> 00:51:35,785
Isn't there like a remote control
or a button or something?
1062
00:51:35,859 --> 00:51:39,351
Leader, we get the passes for it
from the director Akbar.
1063
00:51:39,429 --> 00:51:40,487
Very good.
1064
00:51:40,564 --> 00:51:42,828
I'm gonna grab a knish.
1065
00:51:42,899 --> 00:51:44,628
Your families will be proud.
1066
00:51:48,171 --> 00:51:49,934
Is there nothing we can do?
1067
00:51:50,006 --> 00:51:53,066
Nothing. The plan is foolproof.
1068
00:52:03,053 --> 00:52:08,150
Enough already. It's not as if I'm
against Santa Claus or the Boy Scouts.
1069
00:52:08,225 --> 00:52:09,351
Little tip for you.
1070
00:52:09,426 --> 00:52:11,087
Fascist uniforms, not cool.
1071
00:52:11,161 --> 00:52:13,527
- Or religion.
- Or the Fourth of July?
1072
00:52:13,597 --> 00:52:16,862
Fourth of July? That reminds me.
I got a demonstration. See ya.
1073
00:52:16,933 --> 00:52:18,230
[Lawyers grunting]
1074
00:52:18,301 --> 00:52:19,359
You're leavin'?
1075
00:52:19,436 --> 00:52:22,030
Yep. End of the line for me,
so conjure up some fog
1076
00:52:22,105 --> 00:52:25,506
- and get me the hell out of here.
- Just go. This is real.
1077
00:52:25,575 --> 00:52:26,667
Are you sure?
1078
00:52:26,743 --> 00:52:28,540
That subway station was too clean.
1079
00:52:28,612 --> 00:52:29,977
Oh... unh!
1080
00:52:30,046 --> 00:52:33,209
[Country music playing,
people conversing]
1081
00:52:40,423 --> 00:52:41,856
That's the real America.
1082
00:52:41,925 --> 00:52:45,588
Proud to celebrate the Fourth of July,
just like your own family.
1083
00:52:45,662 --> 00:52:49,223
- This is my own family.
- Huh?
1084
00:52:49,299 --> 00:52:50,960
Oh, right. So it is.
1085
00:52:51,034 --> 00:52:52,524
Hey, do I smell burgers?
1086
00:52:54,304 --> 00:52:56,295
I made your favorite, sweet potatoes.
1087
00:52:56,373 --> 00:52:57,738
Aw, honey, you know,
1088
00:52:57,807 --> 00:53:00,332
what I think I'm gonna miss most
is your cooking.
1089
00:53:00,410 --> 00:53:02,970
- Not my kisses?
- [Both laughing]
1090
00:53:03,813 --> 00:53:05,781
Should I set a place
for Uncle Michael?
1091
00:53:05,849 --> 00:53:09,114
Oh, no, honey.
Uncle Michael's still very busy.
1092
00:53:09,186 --> 00:53:11,313
I feel bad he keeps
disappointing you.
1093
00:53:11,388 --> 00:53:14,050
[Josh] Well, he'll come around.
1094
00:53:14,124 --> 00:53:18,083
- [Timmy] God bless us, everyone.
- There he is, my gentle little Timmy.
1095
00:53:18,161 --> 00:53:20,891
What a beautiful day
for a family picnic.
1096
00:53:20,964 --> 00:53:23,057
Hey, Timmy, ready for dessert?
1097
00:53:23,133 --> 00:53:26,660
Daddy, is your asshole
uncle coming tonight?
1098
00:53:26,736 --> 00:53:27,896
Uh, well...
1099
00:53:27,971 --> 00:53:30,804
Uh, Timmy, you know
Uncle Michael loves you.
1100
00:53:30,874 --> 00:53:33,172
That lard ass only loves himself.
1101
00:53:33,243 --> 00:53:35,438
Did he come up with
money for my operation?
1102
00:53:35,512 --> 00:53:37,036
Uh, well, uh...
1103
00:53:37,113 --> 00:53:40,173
Documentaries don't actually
pay enough to, uh...
1104
00:53:40,250 --> 00:53:43,879
- [girl] Daddy!
- Beckah. Hi, sweetheart.
1105
00:53:43,954 --> 00:53:48,152
I see that Michael "I'm gonna get
you a cornea transplant" Malone
1106
00:53:48,225 --> 00:53:49,556
stiffed you again.
1107
00:53:49,626 --> 00:53:52,424
Uh, honey, he's doin' everything he can.
1108
00:53:52,495 --> 00:53:56,488
I bet he spent time in the cornea market
at the Cannes Film Festival.
1109
00:53:56,566 --> 00:53:57,624
[Josh] Oh, good!
1110
00:53:57,701 --> 00:53:59,999
The boys have brought out Tiny Tina.
1111
00:54:00,070 --> 00:54:03,062
She's doing so much better
on that new dialysis machine.
1112
00:54:03,139 --> 00:54:04,128
[Josh] Hey, kids!
1113
00:54:04,207 --> 00:54:07,870
I don't suppose Uncle Jerkwad
has showed up with the kidney.
1114
00:54:07,944 --> 00:54:10,378
I'm running a little short on time here.
1115
00:54:12,415 --> 00:54:13,473
- Ow!
- Aah!
1116
00:54:13,550 --> 00:54:15,177
- [Kids screaming]
- Oh! Come on!
1117
00:54:15,252 --> 00:54:16,753
Now, can't we go on
to some other awful place?
1118
00:54:16,753 --> 00:54:17,981
Now, can't we go on
to some other awful place?
1119
00:54:18,054 --> 00:54:20,522
- Where the hell are we?
- Kandahar, Afghanistan.
1120
00:54:20,590 --> 00:54:22,490
But there's a war going on here!
1121
00:54:22,559 --> 00:54:24,026
- [Patton] Since 9l11!
- Down!
1122
00:54:24,094 --> 00:54:26,221
- Down!
- They shouldn't be blindfolded.
1123
00:54:26,296 --> 00:54:29,163
- It's against the Geneva Convention.
- They're the enemy.
1124
00:54:29,232 --> 00:54:32,827
- They're innocent till proven guilty.
- Let me tell you something.
1125
00:54:32,902 --> 00:54:36,531
If they're on the battlefield
and shooting at you, they're guilty!
1126
00:54:36,606 --> 00:54:38,369
[Malone] That's not the point.
1127
00:54:38,441 --> 00:54:40,739
There's no reason
to blindfold prisoners.
1128
00:54:40,810 --> 00:54:43,677
Fine. Take 'em off.
1129
00:54:46,416 --> 00:54:49,044
[All] Michael Malone! Michael Malone!
1130
00:54:49,119 --> 00:54:51,314
[Prisoner] Die You American Pigs!
1131
00:54:51,388 --> 00:54:52,912
He's much fatter in person.
1132
00:54:52,989 --> 00:54:54,047
OK, OK.
1133
00:54:54,124 --> 00:54:57,560
Let's see how fat I look
with one of these blindfolds back on.
1134
00:54:57,627 --> 00:54:58,651
- [Explosion]
- Oh!
1135
00:54:58,728 --> 00:54:59,990
Aah aah aah!
1136
00:55:00,063 --> 00:55:02,896
[Soldiers]... for my God
is with me wherever I go.
1137
00:55:02,966 --> 00:55:04,866
Have mercy upon me, O God,
1138
00:55:04,934 --> 00:55:07,300
for it is an unfailing love.
1139
00:55:07,370 --> 00:55:09,429
Praise be to the Lord, my rock,
1140
00:55:09,506 --> 00:55:12,475
who trains my hands for war,
my fingers for battle.
1141
00:55:12,542 --> 00:55:14,134
We're taking fire!
1142
00:55:22,986 --> 00:55:25,853
Aah! They're using real bullets!
1143
00:55:26,923 --> 00:55:28,982
Aah! Oh!
1144
00:55:29,059 --> 00:55:30,424
Oh!
1145
00:55:30,493 --> 00:55:32,188
[Groaning]
1146
00:55:36,733 --> 00:55:39,327
[Patton] Honestly,
I've tried to show him,
1147
00:55:39,402 --> 00:55:42,235
but this one is just too bullheaded.
1148
00:55:42,305 --> 00:55:44,170
Father, please forgive me.
1149
00:55:44,240 --> 00:55:45,798
I have done my best.
1150
00:55:45,875 --> 00:55:48,776
This challenge was just too much.
1151
00:55:48,845 --> 00:55:51,939
I fear this battle is lost.
1152
00:55:54,084 --> 00:55:56,609
Oh, so now you're telling God?
1153
00:55:57,987 --> 00:55:59,477
Not that father.
1154
00:56:00,623 --> 00:56:03,683
You know, JFK was right.
You are hopeless.
1155
00:56:04,728 --> 00:56:06,525
[Slap]
1156
00:56:09,332 --> 00:56:12,301
What?! Oh, George Washington.
1157
00:56:12,369 --> 00:56:16,066
Been dead for 200 years,
not that that matters anymore.
1158
00:56:16,139 --> 00:56:19,006
It does matter, citizen Malone.
1159
00:56:19,075 --> 00:56:23,034
Nice costume.
You here for the Halloween parade?
1160
00:56:24,814 --> 00:56:27,214
I'm here to talk to you about freedom.
1161
00:56:27,283 --> 00:56:30,684
- The greatest gift man has.
- Freedom?
1162
00:56:30,754 --> 00:56:33,655
Very precarious gift, easily misused.
1163
00:56:33,723 --> 00:56:37,352
And when it is misused, easily lost.
1164
00:56:38,828 --> 00:56:41,092
Like freedom from pompous spirits.
1165
00:56:41,164 --> 00:56:43,598
Like freedom of speech, which you abuse.
1166
00:56:43,666 --> 00:56:45,065
Like freedom of religion.
1167
00:56:45,135 --> 00:56:48,434
This is St. Paul's Chapel,
where I worshipped every Sunday...
1168
00:56:48,505 --> 00:56:51,406
- [yawning]
...when New York was the capital.
1169
00:56:52,075 --> 00:56:55,044
I sat right here
on the morning of my inaugural
1170
00:56:55,111 --> 00:56:57,511
to pray for guidance
in leading this nation.
1171
00:56:59,582 --> 00:57:02,881
If this place is so important,
why don't they clean it?
1172
00:57:04,287 --> 00:57:07,085
- [Malone] It's full of...
- Dust.
1173
00:57:09,325 --> 00:57:10,815
From across the street.
1174
00:57:14,130 --> 00:57:15,461
[Church bell tolling]
1175
00:57:15,532 --> 00:57:16,794
Oh, my God.
1176
00:57:16,866 --> 00:57:19,130
It was the World Trade Center,
1177
00:57:19,202 --> 00:57:23,366
and this is the dust
of 3,000 innocent human beings
1178
00:57:23,440 --> 00:57:26,739
and the great heroes who perished
trying to save them.
1179
00:57:26,810 --> 00:57:28,072
Why'd you bring me here?
1180
00:57:28,144 --> 00:57:29,805
I'm not responsible for this.
1181
00:57:29,879 --> 00:57:31,574
It was our foreign policy.
1182
00:57:31,648 --> 00:57:33,707
It's our military bases overseas.
1183
00:57:33,783 --> 00:57:36,013
It's globalization. It's the CIA!
1184
00:57:36,085 --> 00:57:38,485
Is that what you're
gonna say on judgment day?
1185
00:57:38,555 --> 00:57:41,649
Well, I've already been judged,
and I won an Oscar.
1186
00:57:41,724 --> 00:57:44,158
For a documentary.
1187
00:57:46,729 --> 00:57:51,792
When you meet the Almighty, Michael,
I'm afraid that won't do.
1188
00:57:53,336 --> 00:57:56,999
Only the truth will do.
1189
00:57:57,073 --> 00:57:58,267
I gotta get out of here.
1190
00:57:59,809 --> 00:58:01,470
- [Clang]
- Ooh!
1191
00:58:01,544 --> 00:58:03,375
Ow!
1192
00:58:03,446 --> 00:58:04,435
Ooh!
1193
00:58:04,514 --> 00:58:06,812
- [Clanging]
- [Grunting]
1194
00:58:13,122 --> 00:58:15,090
No! No!
1195
00:58:15,158 --> 00:58:17,092
No! No!
1196
00:58:19,829 --> 00:58:20,818
Aah!
1197
00:58:20,897 --> 00:58:23,491
Don't hurt me!
I've always stood up for gay rights.
1198
00:58:25,301 --> 00:58:27,929
I'm the Angel of freakin' Death,
you turdhead.
1199
00:58:28,004 --> 00:58:32,600
Boy, you do not wanna mess
with the Angel of Death.
1200
00:58:32,675 --> 00:58:36,372
Listen, punk, there are consequences
for what you do.
1201
00:58:36,446 --> 00:58:38,004
Let's go.
1202
00:58:38,982 --> 00:58:40,711
Oh, good, another field trip.
1203
00:58:40,783 --> 00:58:44,184
Can we go someplace cool this time,
like Paris or Hollywood?
1204
00:58:44,254 --> 00:58:45,846
Now, that's a good idea.
1205
00:58:45,922 --> 00:58:47,651
[Arabic music playing]
1206
00:58:47,724 --> 00:58:50,124
What's goin' on here?
Where are we?
1207
00:58:50,193 --> 00:58:54,391
Hollywood, just like you wanted,
only now it's called Bin Laden City.
1208
00:58:54,464 --> 00:58:55,692
Oh, my God.
1209
00:58:55,765 --> 00:58:58,199
They kept the buildings.
Just changed the signs.
1210
00:58:58,268 --> 00:59:00,828
[Malone] Oh, no!
This isn't happening!
1211
00:59:00,904 --> 00:59:03,464
We lost the war on terror.
Nice work.
1212
00:59:03,540 --> 00:59:06,168
Great bunch of movies
you made for the other side.
1213
00:59:07,243 --> 00:59:08,972
Oh, shit.
1214
00:59:09,045 --> 00:59:11,707
Yeah. Terrorists really
appreciated your work.
1215
00:59:11,781 --> 00:59:16,275
Oh! Take me home.
1216
00:59:16,352 --> 00:59:17,876
My real home.
1217
00:59:17,954 --> 00:59:20,889
That's where we're goin'.
Back to Michigan.
1218
00:59:22,926 --> 00:59:25,520
[Siren]
1219
00:59:25,595 --> 00:59:26,687
Ah, home.
1220
00:59:26,763 --> 00:59:28,025
[Distant gunfire]
1221
00:59:28,097 --> 00:59:29,155
Detroit!
1222
00:59:33,970 --> 00:59:35,528
[Man] This is all that's left?
1223
00:59:35,605 --> 00:59:38,768
Not much to work with,
but if we put our heads together...
1224
00:59:38,841 --> 00:59:41,275
We'll never be able
to identify this victim.
1225
00:59:41,344 --> 00:59:42,606
Why even bother?
1226
00:59:42,679 --> 00:59:44,112
I mean, it's one of 100,000.
1227
00:59:44,180 --> 00:59:46,740
What happened here?
100,000 people dead?
1228
00:59:46,816 --> 00:59:47,840
Listen.
1229
00:59:47,917 --> 00:59:51,353
The strange thing is
the blast only killed a few hundred.
1230
00:59:51,421 --> 00:59:52,888
Radiation got the rest.
1231
00:59:52,956 --> 00:59:56,153
Nuclear attack on Detroit?
1232
00:59:56,225 --> 00:59:57,522
Oh, my God.
1233
00:59:57,594 --> 01:00:01,257
We found this in the wreckage
of a television interview show.
1234
01:00:01,331 --> 01:00:02,923
Some big-ass celebrity.
1235
01:00:02,999 --> 01:00:04,626
[Woman] You got that right.
1236
01:00:04,701 --> 01:00:06,532
This was near it.
1237
01:00:08,738 --> 01:00:10,933
Hey, that's Michael Malone's cap.
1238
01:00:11,007 --> 01:00:12,599
That explains the fat ass.
1239
01:00:12,675 --> 01:00:13,699
Check this out.
1240
01:00:13,776 --> 01:00:16,301
There is no terrorist threat.
1241
01:00:16,379 --> 01:00:17,607
[Laughter]
1242
01:00:17,680 --> 01:00:19,614
Uh, yeah, yeah.
I just forgot to sign
1243
01:00:19,682 --> 01:00:21,912
the please don't shoot
my ass off agreement.
1244
01:00:21,985 --> 01:00:24,283
[Laughter]
1245
01:00:24,354 --> 01:00:26,413
Do I look more
like Michael Malone now?
1246
01:00:26,489 --> 01:00:28,320
Hey, spank my know-it-all ass.
1247
01:00:30,960 --> 01:00:32,188
[Man 2] I know!
1248
01:00:32,261 --> 01:00:35,458
Least everyone will be happy
now that I've been nuked!
1249
01:00:35,531 --> 01:00:37,089
[All laugh]
1250
01:00:37,500 --> 01:00:39,764
Don't let me die!
And all those people!
1251
01:00:39,836 --> 01:00:41,997
I don't wanna die!
Please, I don't wanna die!
1252
01:00:42,071 --> 01:00:44,039
[All] ¶ Yankee doodle went to town
1253
01:00:44,107 --> 01:00:45,597
¶ Riding on a big ass
1254
01:00:45,675 --> 01:00:48,269
I don't wanna die!
Please! I don't wanna die!
1255
01:00:48,344 --> 01:00:49,971
Please! I don't wanna die.
1256
01:00:50,046 --> 01:00:51,843
I don't wanna die.
I don't wanna die.
1257
01:00:51,914 --> 01:00:51,981
[Crying] I don't wanna die. I don't
wanna die. I don't wanna die.
1258
01:00:51,981 --> 01:00:55,144
[Crying] I don't wanna die. I don't
wanna die. I don't wanna die.
1259
01:00:57,854 --> 01:00:59,754
I didn't die. I'm alive!
1260
01:00:59,822 --> 01:01:01,517
I'm here at Madison Square Garden
1261
01:01:01,591 --> 01:01:05,254
where Moovealong. Org is holding
their Anti-Fourth-of-July rally.
1262
01:01:05,328 --> 01:01:06,920
I didn't miss it!
1263
01:01:06,996 --> 01:01:08,861
It wasn't a nightmare!
1264
01:01:08,931 --> 01:01:11,798
Except for that creepy
George Washington guy.
1265
01:01:11,868 --> 01:01:13,665
It's a beautiful day!
1266
01:01:13,736 --> 01:01:16,637
They're all waiting
for their leader, Michael Malone.
1267
01:01:18,374 --> 01:01:20,706
That's right, Michael Malone.
1268
01:01:20,777 --> 01:01:22,176
I'm so f...
1269
01:01:22,245 --> 01:01:24,008
[knock on door]
1270
01:01:26,983 --> 01:01:28,348
Time to go.
1271
01:01:28,418 --> 01:01:29,908
I can't. I'm... sick.
1272
01:01:29,986 --> 01:01:31,783
Oh. You look terrible.
1273
01:01:31,854 --> 01:01:33,515
But you always look terrible.
1274
01:01:33,589 --> 01:01:36,456
Now come on.
Millions of people are counting on you.
1275
01:01:36,526 --> 01:01:38,517
[Chanting] We love Michael Malone!
1276
01:01:38,594 --> 01:01:39,788
We love Michael Malone!
1277
01:01:39,862 --> 01:01:41,420
You gotta do the right thing.
1278
01:01:43,032 --> 01:01:44,761
Huh?
1279
01:01:44,834 --> 01:01:48,031
[Protesters] We don't care how!
Leave now! We don't care how!
1280
01:01:48,104 --> 01:01:50,004
Leave now! We don't care how!
1281
01:01:50,073 --> 01:01:52,166
[Chant continues]
1282
01:01:58,581 --> 01:01:59,980
[Ahmed] Director Akbar!
1283
01:02:01,250 --> 01:02:04,481
Director Akbar, our
all-access media passes,
1284
01:02:04,554 --> 01:02:05,987
you have them?
1285
01:02:06,055 --> 01:02:08,421
Oh, yeah, uh,
enjoy the, uh, demonstration.
1286
01:02:08,491 --> 01:02:10,721
- Thank you.
- Mr. Malone, Mr. Malone!
1287
01:02:10,793 --> 01:02:12,556
What is your message to the troops
1288
01:02:12,628 --> 01:02:14,994
who have come for
the Fourth of July concert?
1289
01:02:15,064 --> 01:02:16,827
Uh... uh... uh...
1290
01:02:16,899 --> 01:02:18,366
[Heather] Give me that!
1291
01:02:18,434 --> 01:02:21,835
We're not gonna celebrate a country
that sends soldiers to fight.
1292
01:02:21,904 --> 01:02:25,305
That's what Michael is here to say.
Come on. Everyone's waiting.
1293
01:02:25,374 --> 01:02:27,467
Introduce Jimmy Carter
and make a speech.
1294
01:02:27,543 --> 01:02:30,876
- [Chanting] Bring troops home!
- Michael Malone will be here soon!
1295
01:02:30,947 --> 01:02:33,313
Feel free to just wander on up here.
1296
01:02:33,382 --> 01:02:35,646
And here's former
President Jimmy Carter!
1297
01:02:35,718 --> 01:02:37,481
Israel is an apartheid state.
1298
01:02:37,553 --> 01:02:40,886
Uh, high taxes are good for you.
1299
01:02:40,957 --> 01:02:43,721
[Woman] And after him,
Michael Malone is gonna be here!
1300
01:02:43,793 --> 01:02:45,727
Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom.
1301
01:02:53,202 --> 01:02:54,999
Aah!
1302
01:02:55,071 --> 01:02:57,904
What am I gonna do?
They're gonna kill me!
1303
01:02:57,974 --> 01:02:59,407
- [Slap]
- Aah!
1304
01:02:59,475 --> 01:03:01,773
You spineless bastard, act like a man.
1305
01:03:01,844 --> 01:03:04,369
Why'd you do that?
I was gonna do something.
1306
01:03:04,447 --> 01:03:06,779
I just don't know what. Aah!
1307
01:03:06,849 --> 01:03:10,341
You can't sit here on the sidelines.
It's time to take action.
1308
01:03:10,419 --> 01:03:12,785
I'm considering
getting another hero.
1309
01:03:12,855 --> 01:03:13,879
Aah!
1310
01:03:13,956 --> 01:03:17,653
[Malone] Hey! What are you doin' here?
You're not a spirit.
1311
01:03:17,727 --> 01:03:20,355
I know. I just enjoy slapping you.
1312
01:03:20,429 --> 01:03:21,919
- Aah!
- Listen to yourself!
1313
01:03:21,998 --> 01:03:25,695
The time has come to forget about
the consequences and show courage!
1314
01:03:25,768 --> 01:03:27,292
You know what courage is?
1315
01:03:27,370 --> 01:03:29,736
You mean, like the lion
in The Wizard Of Oz?
1316
01:03:30,640 --> 01:03:32,574
I had a more heroic reference in mind,
1317
01:03:32,642 --> 01:03:35,167
but if The Wizard Of Oz
works for you, well, OK.
1318
01:03:35,244 --> 01:03:39,237
You know, is it possible for me
to get a little privacy in here?
1319
01:03:39,315 --> 01:03:42,011
We are facing the greatest
evil since Nazism.
1320
01:03:42,084 --> 01:03:44,245
[Patton] What are you talking about?
1321
01:03:44,320 --> 01:03:47,187
To assure there will be no more war,
I've taken the liberty
1322
01:03:47,256 --> 01:03:51,955
of arranging a formal surrender ceremony
on the U.S.S. Missouri.
1323
01:04:04,340 --> 01:04:06,865
OK, stop! I'll do it.
1324
01:04:09,478 --> 01:04:10,945
Thank you, thank you.
1325
01:04:11,013 --> 01:04:14,141
[Carter] Oh, look, here he is now,
1326
01:04:14,217 --> 01:04:16,117
a true heavyweight of the movement,
1327
01:04:16,185 --> 01:04:18,915
our brother, Michael Malone!
1328
01:04:18,988 --> 01:04:21,388
Ah... whoo.
1329
01:04:21,457 --> 01:04:23,755
Ah, thank you. Thank you.
1330
01:04:23,826 --> 01:04:26,021
Uh, I know what you all
think is important.
1331
01:04:27,630 --> 01:04:29,757
Government-run health care.
1332
01:04:30,766 --> 01:04:32,165
Global warming.
1333
01:04:33,769 --> 01:04:35,999
No handguns allowed in your home.
1334
01:04:38,307 --> 01:04:40,935
And these things are all vital.
1335
01:04:43,346 --> 01:04:46,577
But they all come second
to the most important thing of all.
1336
01:04:46,649 --> 01:04:48,583
We're in a real war, people.
1337
01:04:48,651 --> 01:04:50,642
These terrorists want to kill us all,
1338
01:04:50,720 --> 01:04:53,086
and you're acting
like it's September 10th.
1339
01:04:56,926 --> 01:04:58,120
Traitor!
1340
01:04:58,194 --> 01:04:59,661
[Crowd booing]
1341
01:05:07,470 --> 01:05:08,903
Where'd you get that?!
1342
01:05:08,971 --> 01:05:10,700
Aah!
1343
01:05:14,377 --> 01:05:15,742
Aah!
1344
01:05:15,811 --> 01:05:20,180
Hang on a second!
Thanks, guys. Aah!
1345
01:05:20,249 --> 01:05:23,582
Oh, please! I don't blame you
for wantin' to water-board me
1346
01:05:23,653 --> 01:05:25,712
in a secret CIA prison,
but I've changed!
1347
01:05:25,788 --> 01:05:29,053
- We're trying to protect you.
- Well, thank you for bein' here.
1348
01:05:29,125 --> 01:05:32,458
Don't thank us. Thank the recruiter
that came to our campus.
1349
01:05:32,528 --> 01:05:34,519
What? You guys went to college?
1350
01:05:35,865 --> 01:05:41,701
[Announcer] And now, folks,
give a big New York City welcome to...
1351
01:05:41,771 --> 01:05:43,762
... Whiskey Falls!
1352
01:05:43,839 --> 01:05:46,034
[Fireworks exploding]
1353
01:05:46,108 --> 01:05:48,599
[¶ Whiskey Falls: Hellbilly]
1354
01:05:48,678 --> 01:05:49,975
Poor Aziz.
1355
01:05:50,046 --> 01:05:52,810
He was supposed to wait
to detonate his bombs.
1356
01:05:52,882 --> 01:05:54,213
What a wanker.
1357
01:05:54,283 --> 01:05:56,751
Hey, let's get hot dogs
and go see the show.
1358
01:05:58,854 --> 01:06:01,152
After we blow ourselves up.
1359
01:06:01,223 --> 01:06:04,659
After the bombs go off,
I will personally kill you.
1360
01:06:04,727 --> 01:06:07,093
I can live with that.
1361
01:06:07,163 --> 01:06:09,154
[Song continues]
1362
01:06:16,172 --> 01:06:18,231
Hey! Hey, it's that Michael Malone!
1363
01:06:18,307 --> 01:06:19,831
Oh, hey!
1364
01:06:19,909 --> 01:06:22,309
This is for people
who support our troops.
1365
01:06:22,378 --> 01:06:25,245
You hate country music.
What are you doin' here?
1366
01:06:25,314 --> 01:06:26,713
I had no choice.
1367
01:06:26,782 --> 01:06:29,478
I was about to be beaten
by peace marchers!
1368
01:06:30,820 --> 01:06:33,721
[Announcer] And now,
on the birthday of our nation,
1369
01:06:33,789 --> 01:06:35,450
we're proud to introduce a man
1370
01:06:35,524 --> 01:06:38,550
who has entertained troops
all over the world.
1371
01:06:38,627 --> 01:06:43,564
Please welcome country music
superstar Trace Adkins!
1372
01:06:43,632 --> 01:06:45,190
[Cheering and applause]
1373
01:06:46,335 --> 01:06:48,565
The Angel of Death is headlining?
1374
01:06:48,637 --> 01:06:50,366
Hello, New York City!
1375
01:06:50,439 --> 01:06:52,532
[Ahmed and Mohammed] Director Akbar!
1376
01:06:52,608 --> 01:06:54,576
Director Akbar!
Back here!
1377
01:06:54,643 --> 01:06:56,634
Shh! I'm gonna get killed.
1378
01:06:56,712 --> 01:06:58,077
I know. We all are.
1379
01:06:58,147 --> 01:07:01,674
We have to tell you something.
Aziz is not an actor.
1380
01:07:01,751 --> 01:07:04,117
- He's not?
- He's something else.
1381
01:07:04,186 --> 01:07:05,483
Think back.
1382
01:07:08,657 --> 01:07:11,558
You look like a terrorist.
[Laughing]
1383
01:07:12,795 --> 01:07:15,127
You are going to blow up
Madison Square Garden?
1384
01:07:15,197 --> 01:07:17,825
- [The Chicken Dance playing]
- Bawk, bawk, bawk!
1385
01:07:17,900 --> 01:07:18,889
Bawk, bawk, bawk!
1386
01:07:21,337 --> 01:07:22,395
Bawk, bawk, bawk!
1387
01:07:22,905 --> 01:07:27,171
Wait! So you're saying he's a terrorist?
1388
01:07:28,611 --> 01:07:31,444
- And that would make you...
- [both] Filmmakers.
1389
01:07:31,514 --> 01:07:32,811
Right!
1390
01:07:32,882 --> 01:07:36,045
The "film" is set to go off at 7:00.
1391
01:07:42,324 --> 01:07:43,552
We have to stop him.
1392
01:07:43,626 --> 01:07:45,651
We'll never find him in this crowd.
1393
01:07:46,796 --> 01:07:50,823
There's only one place
I can see everything. The stage.
1394
01:07:50,900 --> 01:07:51,992
They hate you.
1395
01:07:52,068 --> 01:07:54,036
They hated Stalin, too.
1396
01:07:54,103 --> 01:07:55,832
Look for him out in the house.
1397
01:07:55,905 --> 01:07:58,135
- Stalin?
- The mentor of Oprah.
1398
01:07:58,207 --> 01:08:00,076
[Adkins] I wouldn't want
to be anywhere else.
1399
01:08:00,509 --> 01:08:02,875
So come on, let's not waste
any more time.
1400
01:08:02,945 --> 01:08:04,003
Let me hear you.
1401
01:08:04,080 --> 01:08:06,207
[Man] Hey, Malone,
get off the stage!
1402
01:08:06,282 --> 01:08:09,513
- [Booing]
- [Man 2] Get off the stage!
1403
01:08:09,585 --> 01:08:12,179
- [Man 3] What's he doin' here!
- Well, uh...
1404
01:08:12,254 --> 01:08:15,417
- [man] What are you doin' here?!
- [Malone] Damn it, where is he?
1405
01:08:15,491 --> 01:08:18,949
Uh, you probably all hate me,
and I don't blame you.
1406
01:08:19,028 --> 01:08:20,620
I said a lot of bad things.
1407
01:08:20,696 --> 01:08:23,927
Uh, over the last few days,
I learned a lot of lessons.
1408
01:08:23,999 --> 01:08:26,934
And now I know that terrorism
is not our fault!
1409
01:08:27,002 --> 01:08:28,333
[Crowd cheering]
1410
01:08:28,404 --> 01:08:30,736
[Malone] He's got to be
out there somewhere.
1411
01:08:30,806 --> 01:08:35,539
And that, uh, we may not be perfect,
but we're the good guys!
1412
01:08:35,611 --> 01:08:36,669
[Crowd] Yeah!
1413
01:08:36,745 --> 01:08:40,681
I'm sorry about what I said about
country music, NASCAR, and Americans.
1414
01:08:40,749 --> 01:08:43,650
- If you want to listen to dumb songs
- [crowd booing]
1415
01:08:43,719 --> 01:08:45,380
About cowboys and trucks
1416
01:08:45,454 --> 01:08:48,048
and watch cars endlessly
go around in circles.
1417
01:08:48,124 --> 01:08:50,888
Hey, what... Hey, this is
the United States of America!
1418
01:08:50,960 --> 01:08:53,155
We're free to do what we want!
1419
01:08:53,229 --> 01:08:56,687
So if those of you who agree with me
1420
01:08:56,765 --> 01:08:59,529
that America should be
destroyed, stand up now!
1421
01:09:01,470 --> 01:09:04,530
Yes! Die, you American pigs!
1422
01:09:04,607 --> 01:09:06,006
[Crowd] What?!
1423
01:09:06,075 --> 01:09:08,236
There he is! The terrorist! Get him!
1424
01:09:10,579 --> 01:09:12,137
We'll get him, director Akbar!
1425
01:09:14,150 --> 01:09:15,879
[Malone] Get him! Get him!
1426
01:09:26,195 --> 01:09:28,686
- Aziz, don't do it!
- Allahu Akbar.
1427
01:09:28,764 --> 01:09:29,822
- Wait!
- Wait!
1428
01:09:29,899 --> 01:09:32,026
[Timer beeping]
1429
01:09:32,101 --> 01:09:33,090
- Oh!
- Oh!
1430
01:09:33,169 --> 01:09:35,137
OK, now we must disarm the bomb.
1431
01:09:35,204 --> 01:09:37,434
Then it's a good thing we're alert.
1432
01:09:40,276 --> 01:09:42,836
- The red one!
- Which one's red? I'm color blind.
1433
01:09:42,912 --> 01:09:44,402
[Ahmed] We don't have time.
1434
01:09:44,480 --> 01:09:47,040
[Mohammed] I've never done this
in a restroom.
1435
01:09:47,116 --> 01:09:50,279
Don't worry about it.
Just relax and pull it gently.
1436
01:09:50,352 --> 01:09:51,478
- Like that?
- Ooh!
1437
01:09:51,554 --> 01:09:52,578
Ooh!
1438
01:09:52,655 --> 01:09:53,815
Sailors.
1439
01:09:57,092 --> 01:10:00,289
[Mohammed] Not that one!
Don't pull that one!
1440
01:10:00,362 --> 01:10:02,660
[Ahmed] Push harder! Put it in here.
1441
01:10:02,731 --> 01:10:03,755
Oh!
1442
01:10:03,832 --> 01:10:05,595
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
He's waking up!
1443
01:10:05,668 --> 01:10:07,033
Do something!
1444
01:10:08,204 --> 01:10:09,228
- Huh?
- Look!
1445
01:10:09,305 --> 01:10:10,897
Aah ha ha ha!
1446
01:10:10,973 --> 01:10:14,204
- [Ahmed] That was amazing.
- [Mohammed] You're incredible.
1447
01:10:14,276 --> 01:10:15,300
Marines.
1448
01:10:28,324 --> 01:10:30,485
[Ahmed] Director Akbar!
Director Akbar!
1449
01:10:30,559 --> 01:10:32,857
- Look! Look!
- [Timer resumes beeping]
1450
01:10:32,928 --> 01:10:34,293
- Ooh!
- [Timer stops]
1451
01:10:34,363 --> 01:10:36,593
[Crowd cheering]
1452
01:10:39,101 --> 01:10:41,069
Got anything else to say, son?
1453
01:10:41,203 --> 01:10:45,264
Yeah! How about you rednecks
Play some of that awful country music!
1454
01:10:45,341 --> 01:10:47,935
[Band playing]
1455
01:10:49,678 --> 01:10:51,669
Welcome to the real America.
1456
01:10:53,015 --> 01:10:55,882
You know, you look
much slimmer in person.
1457
01:10:58,988 --> 01:11:02,480
¶ This is the greatest country
in the whole wide world
1458
01:11:02,558 --> 01:11:05,527
¶ The fastest horses
The prettiest girls
1459
01:11:05,594 --> 01:11:08,961
¶ We got the Army, the Navy,
Air Force, and Marines
1460
01:11:09,031 --> 01:11:12,057
¶ The finest fightin' force
the world's ever seen
1461
01:11:12,134 --> 01:11:15,399
¶ We're the kind of people
that get things done
1462
01:11:15,471 --> 01:11:17,166
¶ No doubt about it, folks
1463
01:11:17,239 --> 01:11:18,831
¶ We're still number one
1464
01:11:18,907 --> 01:11:19,931
¶ We got the nerve
1465
01:11:20,009 --> 01:11:20,998
¶ We got the nerve
1466
01:11:21,076 --> 01:11:22,065
¶ We got the will
1467
01:11:22,144 --> 01:11:23,133
¶ We got the will
1468
01:11:23,212 --> 01:11:24,236
¶ We are all together
1469
01:11:24,313 --> 01:11:28,181
¶ And you know
that we are still America
1470
01:11:28,250 --> 01:11:31,879
¶ Yeah, I know the sun
is risin' on a better day
1471
01:11:31,954 --> 01:11:33,444
¶ America, America
1472
01:11:33,522 --> 01:11:36,719
[music fades to fifes playing]
1473
01:11:45,467 --> 01:11:47,697
¶ America, America
1474
01:11:47,770 --> 01:11:52,673
¶ Yeah, I believe in you
1475
01:11:52,741 --> 01:11:55,710
New York City!
1476
01:11:55,778 --> 01:11:56,904
Whoo!
1477
01:11:56,979 --> 01:11:58,037
There is mosh pit?
1478
01:11:58,113 --> 01:12:00,013
Not in country music.
1479
01:12:00,082 --> 01:12:01,447
Aah! Oh!
1480
01:12:02,451 --> 01:12:04,419
Oh!
1481
01:12:04,486 --> 01:12:07,387
¶ America, America
1482
01:12:07,456 --> 01:12:10,050
¶ Ooh, ooh... ¶
1483
01:12:10,125 --> 01:12:11,285
Josh.
1484
01:12:27,876 --> 01:12:28,968
Josh! Josh!
1485
01:12:29,044 --> 01:12:30,272
Huh?
1486
01:12:32,348 --> 01:12:33,474
Josh, Josh!
1487
01:12:35,084 --> 01:12:36,278
Josh, Josh!
1488
01:12:36,352 --> 01:12:37,376
Carry on.
1489
01:12:37,453 --> 01:12:39,717
[Timmy] Daddy, look who's here.
1490
01:12:39,788 --> 01:12:42,780
- Uncle Asshole!
- Josh!
1491
01:12:42,858 --> 01:12:44,223
Josh!
1492
01:12:52,801 --> 01:12:55,793
Can you forgive your stupid uncle
for being too blind to see
1493
01:12:55,871 --> 01:12:58,362
what's been right in front of him
this whole time?
1494
01:12:58,440 --> 01:13:00,533
Oh, nice! Blind jokes!
1495
01:13:00,609 --> 01:13:03,100
Uncle Michael, it's OK.
1496
01:13:03,178 --> 01:13:06,875
Well, I just want you to know
that I care about you, and...
1497
01:13:06,949 --> 01:13:08,610
...l'm proud of what you're doin'.
1498
01:13:08,684 --> 01:13:13,587
I always knew that, Uncle Michael.
I always knew it.
1499
01:13:14,623 --> 01:13:16,614
Well, now you take care of yourself,
1500
01:13:16,692 --> 01:13:19,627
'cause there's a lot
of bad people out there.
1501
01:13:19,695 --> 01:13:23,791
It's OK. As long as there's
a lot of good people here.
1502
01:13:26,268 --> 01:13:28,168
If there's anything I can do...
1503
01:13:29,238 --> 01:13:31,206
Maybe I can send
some DVDs of my movies.
1504
01:13:31,273 --> 01:13:32,638
That's all right.
1505
01:13:32,708 --> 01:13:35,677
We captured a lot of them
when we took Saddam's palace.
1506
01:13:36,945 --> 01:13:39,709
Besides, I think most
of the guys prefer features.
1507
01:13:41,350 --> 01:13:43,318
But I'd really appreciate it
1508
01:13:43,385 --> 01:13:46,445
if you could check in on Lily
and the kids while I'm gone.
1509
01:13:46,522 --> 01:13:48,353
Yeah, I will. No problem.
1510
01:13:49,825 --> 01:13:51,554
You've made Josh so happy.
1511
01:13:51,627 --> 01:13:54,027
- Thanks, Jilly.
- Lily.
1512
01:13:57,332 --> 01:13:59,266
Welcome to the fight, Uncle Michael.
1513
01:13:59,334 --> 01:14:01,302
This time I know our side will win.
1514
01:14:34,002 --> 01:14:35,970
- Ow!
- Ow!
1515
01:14:36,038 --> 01:14:38,836
Aah!
1516
01:14:38,907 --> 01:14:39,965
Aah!
1517
01:14:40,042 --> 01:14:41,031
Aah!
1518
01:14:41,109 --> 01:14:42,440
[Muffled screams]
1519
01:14:42,511 --> 01:14:44,274
Ow!
1520
01:14:44,346 --> 01:14:46,439
- [Boy] Help!
- [Gasps]
1521
01:14:46,515 --> 01:14:48,176
Aah!
1522
01:14:48,250 --> 01:14:50,115
Aah!
1523
01:14:50,185 --> 01:14:51,209
Don't worry, Josh!
1524
01:14:51,286 --> 01:14:53,481
- [Screams]
- I'll take care of the family!
1525
01:15:02,331 --> 01:15:03,764
Thought I'd find you here.
1526
01:15:05,234 --> 01:15:09,193
He's a good kid.
Persian Gulf, volunteered.
1527
01:15:09,271 --> 01:15:12,104
I feel so useless.
What can I do?
1528
01:15:12,174 --> 01:15:13,903
Well, you could start by being
1529
01:15:13,976 --> 01:15:17,104
as big a pain in the ass to
the terrorists as you've been to us.
1530
01:15:17,179 --> 01:15:19,943
Like makin' a movie
of the good things about America.
1531
01:15:20,015 --> 01:15:22,142
In Hollywood? Fat chance.
1532
01:15:22,217 --> 01:15:23,809
Sorry for bein' such a jerk.
1533
01:15:23,886 --> 01:15:26,013
Sorry I made you listen
to country music.
1534
01:15:26,088 --> 01:15:27,112
Ah, forget it.
1535
01:15:27,189 --> 01:15:28,816
Hey, you want to grab a sandwich?
1536
01:15:28,891 --> 01:15:31,655
I'd love to. Used to get
a good pastrami in Manhattan.
1537
01:15:31,727 --> 01:15:35,128
Before you got t-boned by that car.
It was a spinal injury, right?
1538
01:15:35,197 --> 01:15:37,597
[Patton] Tough day.
Didn't see that comin'.
1539
01:15:37,666 --> 01:15:40,294
[Malone] What do you think
about stem cell research?
1540
01:15:40,369 --> 01:15:43,202
[Patton] Let's not go there.
A broken neck is a broken neck...
1541
01:15:43,272 --> 01:15:46,298
[Grandpa] From then on,
he always remembered to celebrate
1542
01:15:46,375 --> 01:15:47,842
the Fourth of July,
1543
01:15:47,910 --> 01:15:50,344
and he did what he could
to help out the soldiers.
1544
01:15:50,412 --> 01:15:52,778
But most important, he devoted himself
1545
01:15:52,848 --> 01:15:55,112
to spreading a message of his hero.
1546
01:15:55,817 --> 01:15:56,051
My fellow Americans,
1547
01:15:56,051 --> 01:15:57,348
My fellow Americans,
1548
01:15:57,419 --> 01:16:00,513
ask not what your country
can do for you,
1549
01:16:00,589 --> 01:16:04,286
but rather, ask, uh...
Uh... line!
1550
01:16:04,359 --> 01:16:07,385
You know, I don't think JFK
would say this like that.
1551
01:16:07,462 --> 01:16:11,193
- It's become such a...
- "What you can do for your country!"
1552
01:16:11,266 --> 01:16:14,758
Oh, cut!
What are we gonna do?
1553
01:16:14,836 --> 01:16:17,430
Fire his ass.
1554
01:16:17,506 --> 01:16:19,167
That's my boy.
1555
01:16:19,241 --> 01:16:20,572
God bless us, everyone.
1556
01:16:20,642 --> 01:16:22,940
[Malone and Timmy]
And God bless America!
1557
01:16:23,011 --> 01:16:26,174
[Grandpa] And it turned out
people actually wanted to see movies
1558
01:16:26,248 --> 01:16:28,341
that showed good things about America.
1559
01:16:28,417 --> 01:16:31,045
- [girl] Grandpa!
- Oh, Grandpa, come on.
1560
01:16:31,119 --> 01:16:34,611
Hey. It's just a story.
1561
01:16:35,757 --> 01:16:37,486
[Kennedy] My fellow Americans,
1562
01:16:37,559 --> 01:16:39,959
ask not what your country
can do for you,
1563
01:16:40,028 --> 01:16:43,259
but rather ask what you can do
for your country.
1564
01:16:44,066 --> 01:16:45,499
[Malone] Cut! Print!
1565
01:16:45,567 --> 01:16:47,899
[¶ Trace Adkins:
America I Believe In You]
1566
01:18:05,714 --> 01:18:07,705
[¶ Whiskey Falls: Hellbilly]