Previously on "Nurse Jackie"...
Does anyone know what gets Michelle Obama
out of bed in the morning? Fat kids!
- Kevin told me everything. - What did he tell you?
He told me that he and that snotty doctor
you work with did an intervention on you.
- You're not still mad at me, are you? - God, no.
I can't stand when you take me off the shelf like this.
You throw me this crumb and I'm hooked.
Aunt Tunie is going to stay with us for a couple of weeks.
- Weeks? - You're good with that, right?
- I saw your friend Eddie at work today. - Thanks again.
- Yeah. - Eddie...
that's the one you want me to go out with, right?
Just a thought.
The last one broke his heart.
Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com
♪ I've been working on a cocktail ♪
♪ called grounds for divorce ♪
♪ Polishing a compass that I hold in my sleep ♪
♪ Doubt comes in on sticks ♪
♪ but then he kicks like a horse... ♪
♪ Someday we'll be drinking with the seldom seen kid. ♪
- Grace is good. - Has Fiona charmed every last nun?
Yes, she would sleep in that uniform if I let her.
We already have Kevin's sister passing out in her clothes at the house.
- She's staying with you? - Yeah.
I think Kevin installed her to keep an eye on me.
- Right. - Yeah.
I wish she was a little more cop,
a little less drunken teenage stepdaughter.
It'd be a little easier.
Oh, speaking of authority figures,
Akalitus has offered me chief of the E.R. In title only.
Wow, that sounds nice.
Mm, no. Don't do empty titles.
My Uncle was an Earl. It ruined him.
- So are you... are you still looking? - No no.
Hostile patients, terrible hours...
- How could I ever leave? - Can I get that in writing?
Do you want me to renegotiate my contract right now?
Um, yeah, I... I do.
Give me that.
Look, I don't want to go back down the rabbit hole again,
so just promise me next time you go
on the attack, take better aim.
- I hear you. - Really? Really?
Excuse me, how do you fuck up a Chicken Caesar?
It's not a rhetorical question, cupcake.
- Tell me. - Leave it alone.
- I'm sorry. I can just take it back. - Do you see any chicken?
Why don't you go get your manager before I lose my shit?
You want another beer or something?
Hi. You wanted to see the manager?
Why are you wearing a nurse's uniform?
I moonlight. What's the problem?
- She screwed up my order. - Yeah, it happens.
- Don't need to be an asshole. - Excuse me?
- Is he a client? - Yeah.
You think it's gonna impress him, berating a 24-year-old waitress?
Is that how you do business?
You comfortable doing business with an asshole?
No, actually. My daughter's a waitress.
Oh, you might want to apologize.
You might want to apologize.
I... I am sorry.
No, not to him, to her.
I'm sorry.
Get him his chicken, Janine.
I am your manager. He said he was sorry. Get him his chicken.
Your lunch is on me. Your friend is awesome.
Oh, I have missed you and the havoc that you wreak.
I had two rabies, one infant fever and eight suture removals.
- Did I tell you this is my first double? - Yes, you did.
Do you need to use the bathroom?
No, I have a pedometer now. Every step counts.
You have walked 5.3 Miles.
Look at this.
Bellevue already kicked off a campaign.
All of those kids are fat.
That one looks really sad.
Oh no, I'm sad. That ad is good.
March on, miss Barkow.
- Where did you get that? - Ripped it off the 6 train.
Wow, Gloria, that's effective.
I'm not handing over the first lady visit without a fight.
We've gotta get out in front of this.
- Fund-raising starts now. - Now?
- Uh, I only have five bucks. - Every little bit helps.
- Hello, chief. How are you doing, chief? - Would you stop it?
Urine behind you. Urine. Sorry, chief.
Dude, I'm saying it's admirable.
Sorry, I wasn't listening to you.
I was thinking about this shirt I want.
I think I'm gonna buy it.
What?
I'm saying it's admirable that you're comfortable
with Dr. O'hara being your superior.
Superior? In what way?
Seriously? Oh, you didn't hear.
Akalitus named Dr. O'hara chief of the E.R.
No. No no no no.
No. No way.
I... I would have heard about that.
- Why? - Because I'm a doctor.
She's a doctor. I would know, okay?
Just like you know all the nursey stuff.
Sorry.
Dude, what's up with the limp?
You want me to grab you a wheelchair?
- Happy first day at work. - Oh yeah, big day.
Did you bring me a card or something?
No, I couldn't quite find the right one.
I brought you a helmet for the ride home.
For... for the what?
On the bike to your home.
Kevin invited me over for a celebratory barbecue.
He gets me a job. He's making me a steak.
You better hope that guy never leaves you.
- Yeah, he's a keeper. - Yeah.
So I'll, uh... I'll pick you up after your shift.
You were right. Now that Kevin knows you work here,
things have gotten so much more normal. - Yeah.
What I want and expect is your full support
and a list of potential donors.
And if I don't get that,
there will be a bunch of obese children
standing outside your door every day
until I get what I need.
Listen, sister, you married God.
I married this job!
I'm throwing my hat in the ring.
Look out.
- What hat? - Come on, Gloria.
Chief of the E.R. Is not a title
you hand out like a stick of gum.
- Hold. - I have many qualifications...
one, my gift for tiny stitches;
- two, popular among the staff. - You're not.
I've had lunch with almost everyone who works here.
Popular among the staff.
Hmm? Three...
Dr. Cooper, nothing has been set in stone.
If you want chief so badly, show me what you got.
- Like a dance-off. - Like overtime.
Or a dance-off.
Hi, honey. Barbecue sounds great.
Let me know if you need me to pick anything up on the way home, okay?
- Love you. Bye. - My wife is having a fucking baby.
My wife is having a baby.
My wife is having a fucking baby.
Okay, calm down, sir. Maternity's on six.
No, I know. She's up there.
It's me. I've been dry heaving for two hours.
See, they can't treat me upstairs
because I'm not a patient, so they sent me down here.
Oh God, I'm gonna miss everything.
Okay, you're having chest pains, okay?
That way we can get you in right away.
Chest pains. What's your name?
I'm Ethan Razansky and I have chest pains.
Follow me.
No, not this shit. We've been waiting an hour.
My daughter's got asthma. You got my name on that list?
- Candace de la Brix. - Where's your daughter?
Right in front of you. She can barely breathe.
I'm sorry, this man has chest pains.
He goes first. Come on.
The zofran will take the edge off the nausea.
The valium drip will take the edge off everything else.
Um, can you tell my...
- Wow, that's amazing. - Yeah. It's the valium.
I already called upstairs.
She's still 6 cm, so you might wanna relax.
This is the easy part.
Two e.T.S, 10 I.V.S, four piss runs
and a guy aspirated, also known as vomited, all over me,
so I had to change my scrubs.
- Are you comfortable? - Yeah.
Are you on speed?
- I am speed, motherfucker! - Yeah, we're... we're going. Let's go.
You have walked 12,304 steps.
Thank you for bringing me here.
You have to learn to pace yourself, Zoey, or you're gonna burn out.
And you will burn out, I promise you.
Yeah.
I forgot how good these are.
Did you get married in a church?
We had a long, hot afternoon mass.
I know that if I get married
I'm going to be a sweaty bride.
I think about that a lot.
- It's not good. - You've got time.
Your pace has slowed.
Sorry.
Really?
Oh, sorry.
- Keep moving. - Sit down.
I can hear you breathing.
Um, what is that?
It's a fund-raising thermometer.
You should step back and take a look at it.
Seriously, you don't want that near your door.
Dear God! What is that?
It's an old-fashioned thermometer.
I drew it myself.
Looks like an old-fashioned Willy.
I tried to tell you.
I don't see it.
Which reminds me, Dr. Cooper has announced
his intention to compete for the title of chief.
- Announced to whom? - Anyone.
How can he compete for a job you've already offered to me?
He can't if you accept the title.
Oh, you're relentless. All right, fine, I accept,
but only so the crown doesn't fall to prince John.
He's working overtime to prove himself,
so let's not make it official till next week.
If I give you $1,000,
will you take that picture down?
No, but I will put your name on it in gold marker.
And another thousand to take my name off.
Lou babiak, 50, passed out in the lobby of the time-life building.
Minor head trauma. Got contusions on his forehead and cheek.
Pulsox's holding at 90.
He's complaining of blurred vision.
Lobby guard called it in.
My first job interview in months and I pass out before I get up to H.R.
I could have taken a cab here.
I'm way better than a cab.
This guy can drive. I'll tell you what...
I never got out of midtown that fast.
Yeah well, the siren helps.
Nice talking to you, man.
Can I get some help here?
I'll take it.
I'll take this.
Hello, where are all the doctors?
Those shoes are hideous.
Did someone steal your Italian penny loafers?
No. Hoops.
I trashed my instep driving the Lane,
so I had to change up the footwear.
I'm a ferocious competitor, as you will soon find out.
I'm not sure you can compete for a job
that's actually been offered to someone else.
- Watch me. - I am. It's terribly sad.
Damn it, your office is bigger. I can't believe it's bigger.
If I win chief, I get your office.
- Absolutely. It only seems fair. - Right?
I think I'll paint it. Can I sit down?
Ooh, it must be a good one.
Come on, I'll race you for it.
10-second handicap since you're gimpy.
Hey, dude, listen, I'm in bad shape,
so I'm gonna tag you and you're gonna run it in.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Just tell Jackie that you're me.
I answered the page first and I win, okay?
- All right, let me ask you a question. - Yeah.
Is it presumptuous to bring
special barbecue sauce to a barbecue?
- I always bring dessert. - Dessert.
Okay, I'm right behind you.
Ow.
Hey, uh, Coop told me to tell you I'm him
and he got here first.
- Where is he? - He's on his way. How are you doing?
So what kind of job were you interviewing for? - Ad sales.
The only thing I ever wanted to do was sales.
I don't think most people feel that way about their line of work.
Yeah, I hear you.
So you're hypertensive.
I was on diamox, but I decided to go cold turkey.
- You can't do that, Lou. - It was working.
I was eating right. I was exercising.
Acupressure... the whole thing.
You know, if you press right here between
your thumb and your pointer finger... world peace.
You can't go holistic on this one, Lou.
We're gonna write you a new prescription for diamox
and you're gonna have to take it.
- These are shot. - Ah, yes.
- Do you have good eyesight? - Yeah, I do,
but I'm doing that thing now that everybody else does.
Whoohoo!
Jackie, when you get a minute, I need you in 1.
I need a cortisone shot.
I can't do it myself. I know it's gonna hurt.
- Are you kidding me? - I need to bring my "A" game.
I'm about to get a promotion, a big step,
and I'm gonna remember the people who got me there.
Stop talking. What happened?
I thrashed my instep playing hoops.
I was down by eight and I drove the Lane.
- You have a bunion. - No, I don't.
Look, just do it. I... I prepped it already.
My feet have been killing me for 10 years.
The guys in ortho are so stingy with this cortisone.
How about you get me one of these?
You're really gonna need to see a doctor about something like that.
Yahh ahh!
You're a big baby.
- Hey! - Ah, I know that smile. That's the valium grin.
- How's the nausea? - I don't even remember it.
Ah, good news. Great.
Let's get you up to see your wife.
I'm not going back up there.
- Sorry? - I can't.
You know, it's perfectly normal to be scared.
You know what's scary?
Watching my wife scream for 10 hours,
then shit right in front of me.
They tell you that might happen, but you think,
"No, not her. Not my girl."
When I was born my parents had a house.
I have an alcove studio
and about $1,000 in my savings account.
- What is that? - It's a start.
Come on, let's go.
- I think I'm having chest pains. - No, you're not.
You can't kick me out. You're supposed to take care of me.
Yes, I am.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Who does?
You know what I did last week instead of putting together a crib?
I sent messages to all my old girlfriends on Facebook.
Maternity.
I can't do it.
I'm sorry, can you two indulge me just a moment?
I'm sorry.
Here here, put your head right here.
Inhale, okay?
This is what you're gonna smell every time you feel like
you don't know what you're doing.
- You want to... - Just smell.
Okay.
Oh my God.
They all smell like that?
Well, there's only one way to find out.
You got this.
You...
thank you.
Are you taking him home?
- Her, yes. - Congratulations.
Did you bring the car seat?
Oh fuck.
What did you think we were gonna do, walk?
Are you still here?
I'm picking up a few extra hours this week.
- Bonus Coop. - What are you working on?
We're working on changing our fantasy football team name
from Man-Crush to Cooper-Duper.
You like me better than Dr. O'hara, don't you?
You know, I'd like you a lot more if you focused on your receivers.
Diamox for the hypertensive salesman.
Everything else seemed fine.
Quite charming, really.
Lou... totally my favorite patient this week.
- Are you guys talking about Lou? - Yep.
No, do not take him. He's injured.
Do you know anything about football?
Okay, fine. You do it.
Who's Lou?
A patient. No competition there.
He's so nice and he walks every morning.
- I gave him my pedometer. - Thank God.
That robot voice was freaking me out.
Prescription, glasses.
Discharge him. I am going home.
I had dibs on that guy.
Hey.
For the barbecue.
Here.
You gotta put your arms around me.
I am never letting my girls
anywhere near one of those bikes.
Yeah.
But going over the bridge... gotta give me that.
I do. I do. It was beautiful.
- What are you looking at? - Oh, your hair is insane.
Yeah, helmet head.
Yeah. Yeah.
Guys, where are you?
Why don't you take that out back, see if Kevin needs a hand?
- I'm gonna go change. - All right.
- Stop! - It's faster.
The steaks are gonna taste like lighter fluid.
Trust me, I've been doing this a long time.
- Oh yeah? How long? - Long enough.
I love steak on the grill,
but God, it's bad for the environment.
- That's a lot of CO2 for one meal. - It is?
Uh, you know, it's not that bad.
Not if... you know, not if you only do it on special occasions.
I turn the lights off in a room
if I'm not there in order to save energy.
That's a big help. And I brought pie for dessert.
You're cute.
Kevin!
Kevin?
- Where is Kevin? - What's wrong?
- Where is Kevin? - Relax.
He just went to drop off some stuff at immaculate virgin.
We're having a clothing drive for the unfortunate.
Oh great, a clothing drive.
The less fortunate.
What does "fortunate" mean?
Uh, blessed, lucky.
Like a cat with nine lives.
We had so much extra stuff.
- We did? - Yeah.
Yeah, but don't stress. It was only four boxes.
It was mostly Kevin's old t-shirts
and some baby clothes from the basement...
you know, nothing fancy.
Gymboree stuff and some mismatched mittens.
- Grace, are you all right? - Dad's been gone for two hours.
The school's only five minutes away.
Gracie, would you go get me my lip gloss?
Thank you.
Look, I, um... I told him I'd watch the kids
so he could get his ass to an Al-Anon meeting.
I mean seriously, Jackie, this is his damage, not yours.
He doesn't talk about it and that fucks him up.
- You said that to him? - Yeah.
Like I'm gonna start watching what I say now?
Hi!
- Hey, man. - Hey.
- How's the job? - Great.
- Feels like I've been there for years. - How are you?
- Good. - Good.
- Are they watching a movie? - Yeah.
They decided on 20 minutes of "Toy Story 3"
and 20 minutes of "Annie."
Are they still out there, Eddie and Tunie?
Yeah, I don't think he wants to leave yet.
- Really? - Yeah.
I felt like I had to get out of the way, get more pie.
It's Berry or something. It's fuckin' delicious.
- You want some? - No, thanks.
- Are you going somewhere? - Yeah, the Parish.
You can pray right here.
I think Tunie may have given away
a box with the girls' baptism gowns in it.
I don't wanna make her feel bad, but if I don't go check,
I'm gonna... not gonna be able to sleep.
You want me to go with you?
You wanna? You wanna go for a walk?
I think Tunie can flirt and listen for the girls at the same time.
Let me get my jacket.
- What? - I just like watching you eat standing up.
- Okay, back in a minute. - Yeah.
Go ahead. I'll be here.
Thank you. I'm happy to help out,
but there were things in there I didn't mean to give away.
Of course. We're grateful for anything you want to donate.
- Take your time. - Thank you.
♪ When your morning has a sound ♪
♪ and you hesitate to laugh ♪
♪ so do you think i came to fight? ♪
♪ and do I always think I'm right? ♪
♪ oh no, I never meant to be ♪
♪ opposed to anyone this time ♪
♪ oh no, I only meant to be ♪
♪ a friend to everyone this time ♪
♪ how quickly will your joy pass? ♪
Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com