Previously on
"The Real Housewives of New York City"...
What are you serving, Ubah?
- Chocolate, darling. - [laughs]
I'm an around the way girl through and through.
I always will be.
Sometimes I see people looking through my brownstone,
and lo and behold, look at me now.
The fashion industry is extremely small.
Jenna and I have rubbed shoulders several times.
I'm really excited to get to know her a little bit better.
I would have loved to work for you.
It was--I feel like it would have been so fun.
Well, ask people who worked for me and see.
[laughs] That bitch.
It's like there's this innocence to her.
It seems very real. Like, she's not jaded like me.
How you are with Brynn now?
I'm still a little bit salty about that night.
I wouldn't be caught dead at [BLEEP].
Wait, it's not 2006?
I'm not a D-list model.
Then you go to lunch with Sai,
and you start talking [bleep], and I don't like--
100% not.
When people say [bleep] that I didn't say.
Sai and Brynn ditch the group dinner.
Then they posted on Instagram
that they were at Casa Cipriani.
Yes, I did do that, 100%.
Let's move on from it. Give me a hug.
It's hard to say mad at Brynn.
She makes it light enough that you kind of forget.
I could leave you right now and [BLEEP] you over so hard.
I am a true friend.
[upbeat music]
The secret ingredient, darling, it's me.
My lashes may be fake, but I definitely keep it real.
I'm a true New Yorker.
The only bull I'll take is by the horns.
I always bring the flavor.
It's not my fault you don't have any taste.
In New York, there's a lot of bad apples,
but I'm the baddest of the bunch.
I love to laugh, but make me mad,
and I'll date your dad.
[upbeat electronic music]
♪ Don't matter how far away it seems ♪
♪ I know I can have my wildest dream ♪
♪ Even when I'm feeling so alone ♪
♪ I can make it happen on my own ♪
Thank you, sir.
♪ I can make it happen on my on ♪
Hello?
Hola.
I'm outside.
OK.
Hi, boo. This is my travel vibe.
I love it.
We're going to the Hamptons.
Erin invited us out to her home, which is lovely.
Girls, I really want to invite you to my house
and experience my version of the Hamptons.
I've never been to the Hamptons in the fall.
So this is gonna be really nice,
and I am looking forward to a weekend away.
Could you help me with my bags? They're still in the house.
- Sure. - I travel super light.
[light music]
I have two more garment bags.
Is there a back seat? - Oh, wow.
You know we have one more person coming.
It's not my first trip to the rodeo, OK?
I know what the Hamptons is.
Here.
I pack for my moods:
Overly glamorous, cranky bitch, country club, equestrian life,
around the way chick, hipster who lives in Williamsburg
'cause I definitely had some, like, UGG slides--
and Upper East Side rich bitch.
She has more.
Sai packed for every single Instagram post
that she's gonna post for the next six months.
I thought I overpacked.
The girl is all about content.
Mama need to make money. Good for her.
Oh, Jess is here.
- Hi! - Hi.
How much stuff do you have?
Did you get your hair done? You look amazing.
Are you kidding me? No.
I'm gonna put this in here. - How much stuff do you have?
Hi, I have a lot of stuff. How much stuff do you have?
OK, you guys are giving me sh-- for my stuff?
This is all of Ubah's stuff.
I can't believe she would bring this much stuff.
- No, no, no. - Ubah.
- Sai, I will be bottom. - Ubah, I cannot--
Wait, we're not gonna fit it.
[grunts]
OK, let's go.
There's five other bags in here.
Hold on. - Ow.
Oh, my God.
The things I do for clothes, man, it's just insane.
Wait a second.
Are we missing Brynn?
No, Brynn is not coming.
You're coming, right? You're coming with us?
- She's not feeling well. - She's still not feeling well?
- No. - [BLEEP]
I'm hoping she comes by the morning.
♪
OK, where am I putting these girls?
Put Jenna here.
That looks cute.
Brynn.
I'm really excited to have the girls over.
I grew up going out East since I was eight years old.
And then when my husband and I met,
we decided that we wanted to get our own home.
Ubah, Jessel.
Because both our parents actually Hamptoned--
is that even a thing?
So cute.
We took the funds from a flip we did in Bushwick
to buy a depressed property that looked like sh--
before I renovated it.
It is now five bedrooms with a finished basement
and seven bathrooms.
[doorbell rings]
Caviar.
Hi. - Hi.
- Oh, my God. - How are you?
- Thank you for coming. - Of course.
Oh, thank you guys.
Thank you so much for having us.
My hands are a little full, but I'll give you a hug
just in a bit.
Yes, I'm so excited.
Your house is beautiful.
- Yeah, this is gorgeous. - Thank you so much.
Where do you wanna set it up?
I think right here is perfect.
- Me, too. - Yeah.
Do you know if they all eat caviar?
I mean, who doesn't like caviar?
So Jenna apparently, like, dry heaves from dill.
So be sure to give her the dill.
I'm not prepared for Cheesegate 2.0,
so I picked caviar because that's a nice bougie snack
for these bougie bitches.
Like, she's not allergic. She's just dry heaves.
I've literally never heard anything like that in my life.
Well, I'm actually I'm really happy that we're doing this
even though it was really tough for me
to agree to stay in the house.
[laughter]
Wait, were you serious about staying at a hotel?
No, 100%.
I wanna stay in a hotel.
I'm pitching a tent for you.
People get the wrong idea.
Oh, is my house not good enough for you?
I'm like, when I'm traveling with people,
I need a full night of sleep
where I'm not worried-- like, it's light sleeping.
You need melatonin. - Yeah.
So you're saying when you're alone,
it's just your time to be off.
It's your time to be you. Yeah.
What is this toilet paper?
Sai, what is it?
I don't know what kind of ply she has.
I don't know what kind of toilet paper she has.
I'm very serious about my toilet paper.
Oh, my God.
So sometimes you just gotta bring your own.
I thought you were joking at Jenna's when you said...
- I'm not joking. - You are bringing--
I might show up with my own toilet paper.
I don't know what kind of ply you have.
- I don't know. - Oh, my God.
I grew up broke on one ply.
I have elevated my lifestyle, and therefore,
I'm gonna elevate my toilet paper.
If she has one ply toilet paper, I'ma let her know.
Wait, I have a question.
Are we shopping for everyone's lunch
and bringing it to the house?
Like, what's--
She said she has a few things for us to snack on.
Maybe, like, a cheese plate or something.
- Oh, [BLEEP] me. - I don't eat cheese.
It's you, bitch!
You're the one who doesn't eat the cheese.
- I don't eat-- - She said it.
All this time we been [BLEEP] pinpointing Sai.
Dammit, Ubah.
The whole time it has been you who does not eat cheese!
Oh, my God! - Are you serious?
It all makes sense. Oh, my God!
Ubah! [laughter]
How'd you come up with these?
You know what, we've been experimenting quite a bit
because, I feel like, caviar, a lot of people
have not tried it.
How have people not tried caviar?
[cell phone ringing]
Is that Ubah now?
Hi.
Hi, amore.
Are you stressed?
No, no, no, I'm just--I'm cutting flowers,
so there's, like, flowers everywhere.
Do you have food?
Hi, Sai.
Hi.
I have a whole caviar set up.
Caviar?
[laughter]
It's like five minutes.
I'm preparing a whole spread of caviar,
and you're going to get a sandwich at Provisions?
I can't.
Provision is the Bergdorf of supermarket.
OK, I love you, bye.
Bye.
[upbeat music]
♪
I'm getting hungry just making all this stuff.
Can I eat this, or am I ruining--
- Yes. - Absolutely.
- No, go for it. - Someone has to.
Hello?
Anybody home?
Who's that?
- Hello? - Who's here?
Hi. - Oh, hi.
You're here first.
I'm here first. Hi, babe.
Hi.
I've never been on a girls trip.
I don't remember the last time I had a sleepover.
I mean, unless something else was going on.
[laughs]
I don't know what to do.
Hi.
- We have some caviar. - Yes.
Do you wanna try this one?
OK, where is--
You're so rude.
You know, even with my glasses off, I could see that.
I wasn't gonna let you eat it.
What happened with you and dill?
Dill, can, like, kiss my ass.
I have no interest in dill.
It does not deserve to be on the planet
as far as I'm concerned.
- Dill is delicious. - No.
- Yeah. - No.
OK, wait, talk to me about Pringles and caviar.
It's an unusual combo.
- It's delicious. - It's the best.
Mm. Not no.
- "Not no." - Not no.
That's her slogan.
Jenna's a new friend.
She's just entered into this group.
I feel like I know Jenna really well,
and I want Jenna to come to my place and be with the girls,
so they can really get to know her the way I know her.
OK, wait, what's over here?
This used to be a bedroom, but now it's the TV room.
I can't believe how big this house is.
- It's like-- - It just keeps opening up.
I always joke that it's like a great place
to trip out because you're like...
- You can hide. - Where am I going now?
How many square feet is this?
- 6,500. - 65?
My house is
maybe the size of your kitchen and this living room.
- No. - No, it's 1,500 square feet.
Is everything OK? - Yeah.
Are you nervous about this weekend?
- No. - I'm a little bit.
- I'm excited. - You are?
You're nervous?
You know, sleeping over is,
like, a different thing than having cocktails.
Why can't-- like, you'll love it.
I'm nervous that, like, I'll be awkward.
I'm not gonna fit in.
I'm nervous I'll say something stupid.
I'm nervous I'll, like, need alone time,
and everyone will be like, what the hell, why?
But I'm here, and I'm excited, like, cautiously excited.
OK, first of all, I want to know
what do I get special before they get here?
- You want more special things? - I don't know.
I just like-- I like to be first
and then get special things. More caviar?
Yeah, let's go have more caviar.
Should we go have the caviar and then tell them
when they get here that it's all gone?
Yes, we should. We're all good.
♪
So, guys, what do we think our activity is going to be?
I've never been to the Hamptons
in the winter, first of all.
- There's horseback riding? - Yeah.
I haven't ridden anything in a really long time.
When's the last time you had sex?
Since I've had the kids.
Huh?
Coming up...
On the other end of the phone was our head
of PR and our CEO, and the "Post" said,
"We have information that you are seeing a woman.
Would you like to confirm or deny?"
[light music]
When's the last time you had sex?
- Since I've had the kids. - Huh?
I haven't really gotten, like, down and dirty.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Your children are one. - Yeah, it's been a while.
You kidding?
♪
I thought the point of being married
is to be able to get laid all the time.
Who doesn't get their pipes cleaned in over a year
by their husband?
♪
Poor girl.
But why aren't you having sex?
Because we're both exhausted.
Yeah, but it has-- that's what keeps
your relationship together.
If two things are [BLEEP] up, sex or finances,
the relationship is over.
I know, and I feel really awful
'cause really, like, self-conscious about my scar,
the C-section scar.
Oh, 'cause you had a c-section.
Yeah, and I still feel raw down--
not raw, but, like, I feel odd.
You're giving blowjobs, right?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The toothless, yeah.
I do that.
I'm not worried about my marriage.
I know my husband can perform. I know I'm good.
It's just, you know, we need a little--
just a little kick up the butt.
Does--I don't want to use that.
[laughs]
Can we go lingerie shopping?
Yes, actually, I need--
Why don't you wear, like, a cute little thing
that covers the C-section scar?
Yeah, no, no, for sure.
You can even, like, pull the panties over--
How about just have a hole in it?
Like a glory hole?
Jessel, just hop on your husband's D and get to work.
It's like riding a bike.
It's been so long, the [BLEEP] will be so quick,
and then we can move on.
I think you just need to pony up.
'Cause if you don't use it, you'll lose it.
- So beautiful. - Oh, my God.
- Is that Jenna's? - A vintage Mercedes.
That's adorable.
- These are for you. - Oh, my God, thank you.
- You're welcome. - Olive oil, which I love.
Do you know what that is?
Yeah.
- Welcome. - Oh, my God.
We're not in New York anymore. [knocking on door]
[doorbell rings]
Whoa. What a banging.
I need to pee so bad.
Wow, you're banging pretty hard there.
Hi.
That's because we have to pee.
- Hello. - Hi.
Welcome.
In case you need it in your septic tank.
Just in case.
I was raised that you don't show up
to anyone's house empty-handed.
- Hi. - Hi.
- You look great. - Hi, honey.
I'm so sorry I don't have anything.
But I'd rather her be empty-handed
than bring me a roll of toilet paper.
Hi, baby. You look so cute.
Oh, my God, you look--oh, wow.
- You know what-- - Oh, my God.
Should we go get our stuff out the car?
Maybe we should share a room.
Erin, you wanna come help us with our stuff?
- We have a lot of stuff. - No.
- I can help you. - Come on.
I'm not wearing shoes.
You see that? Ubah's wearing three jackets.
No, she's wearing everything in her closet.
She's been sitting like that in the car the whole time.
She has been freezing her butt off.
- I don't play with cold. - Come.
OK.
- Whose is that? - Just give me--
Oh! [suitcases clattering]
Oh! [laughter]
Sh--.
Whoa.
Holy mother of God, what is happening back here?
We brought a lot of stuff.
There we go. It's a party.
I'm dying.
I need an assistant.
There's nothing that surprises me
about the number of bags.
Listen, I don't think I've ever seen Sai
in the same thing twice.
She is the definition of an influencer.
She's probably gonna have three different outfits
for the entire day.
I don't have the stamina, but you know.
She rolls deep.
My husband said I'd better wear everything
that is in this suitcase.
I probably will wear one thing.
Hello?
- Hi. - Hi.
- How are you?
- Good, I'm Cynthia. - Sai, so nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. - Oh, this looks amazing.
I'm gonna wash my hands. This is so beautiful, Erin.
- Yeah? - I love it.
- Welcome. - It looks fantastic.
Thank you.
They put the caviar on Pringles?
You a high-low type chick?
You went to the bodega. You got the Pringles.
You couldn't even give me a blini?
Erin.
Oh, my God.
- Do you wanna do the rooms? - Sure.
You wanna bring your stuff up?
- Let me get my stuff. - OK, I'll help, 'cause it's--
- I can't do that with it. - This looks amazing.
- Thank you. - I love that.
Thank you, thank you.
Holy sh--.
I wasn't kidding.
It's a lot of stuff. - What the [BLEEP]?
I am kicking these bitches out after three nights,
so I don't know where they think they're going
with all these outfits.
It's off-season in the Hamptons.
You guys are amazing. I love the service around here.
I gotta tell you.
Oh, we don't have service attached to this house.
I mean, thank God I'm not wearing my heels.
I would topple over and die.
OK, so you were originally staying with Brynn,
but now she's not coming tonight.
So you have your own room. - OK.
This is amazing.
Well, I put you in here because it's a big bed.
Oh, my God!
Sai, we're gonna have to, like, move sh-- around
to fit it in here.
This closet's not gonna work for me.
[laughs]
Where am I supposed to put all of my moods?
Do you have any living quarters
that might be a little bit larger?
- No. - No, I'm kidding.
I'm----ing with you. - I don't.
- I'm just kidding. - That's your room.
Yeah, I'm already in. I love it.
It's beautiful. - Oh, my God!
I love my room!
Erin's house is stunning.
And the best part of Erin's house,
the cherry on top of the cake,
it's literally seven minutes' drive to Provision.
- I think this is you, Jessel. - Oh, this is so adorable.
Oh, my God.
It reminds me of my childhood room.
It's so cute.
Jenna's room is beautiful.
Ubah has a mirror in her room, which is key.
And I have Laila's room.
Yeah.
I love you so much.
These pajamas are so adorable.
- Aren't they cute? - Thank you so much.
- It is so-- - You're so welcome.
You're, like, the best host.
- You have a fire pit? - I have a fire pit outside.
We'll do it all.
I haven't really ever had, like, a girls group.
I'm OK one on one, but I get really taken out in a group.
Let's go sit.
It is not where I excel, unless I'm, like, the boss
and standing in the middle of the room,
and everyone has to listen to me.
Like, that's a lot easier.
Wait, so what are we doing tonight?
- We're going to Topping Rose. - What time?
I'm so excited.
I don't know, like, 7:00-ish, 6:30.
What are you wearing? You wearing jeans?
- I mean-- - Yes.
I love you're asking me.
I literally brought sweatpants and--
I brought 58 outfits.
I'm just gonna get dressed for no reason.
Why not? - You wearing a dress?
I'm gonna wear jeans.
I plan to use all of my outfits.
Do we remember that I am a content creator?
I need looks.
I'm here to serve, OK? I'm here to serve.
In your home here, you have, like, no clothes?
Well, it's a little complicated.
I rented my house out, and then my mom got sick.
And so I never sort of put my house back to--
like, I never moved back in, so I moved out to rent it...
Yeah.
And then things happened, and I left town.
I'm so sorry, by the way, about your mom.
- Thank you, thanks. - Was it a month ago?
Six weeks now?
My mom was sick for eight months.
She was doing well, and then the last 2 1/2, 3 months,
it turned quickly.
You and your mom were really close?
[dramatic music]
Coming up...
Can't you just have sex in the shower, like--
They haven't broken the seal yet.
We haven't broken the seal yet.
Do it.
Just go home and [BLEEP] your husband.
You and your mom were really close?
Not at all.
My mom had Asperger's very-- so she didn't have
the ability to make connections.
Connection.
While she knew that she was always called out
for saying weird things, or for being cold,
or for not having any kind of emotion,
my mom had no idea that she had Asperger's.
She got diagnosed much later in life.
Growing up, I knew something was missing,
but I had no idea why.
I just thought our family was different.
Which is why, when I met Jessel's mom,
I completely fell apart 'cause her mom was, like,
literally the mom I wanted.
You've given me more attention than my mother ever gave me.
It's kind of crazy. - I can be your mother.
I mean, you know that. - I'll pay you, honestly.
Your mom is very, very loving.
- She's--oh, my God. - Very sweet.
Even just talking-- seeing her, it's like,
it makes me choked up, it was just so sweet.
Oh, you're about to make me cry.
It makes total sense to learn that Jenna's mom
was very cold because Jenna sometimes behaves that way.
You get glimpses of, like, the Jenna that we love,
which is the warm, and the open, and the outgoing.
But then the way she was raised creeps back in.
There's something so, like, gentle and authentic
about your mom that felt very--
Gosh, I gotta meet this woman.
She's so chic and well put together.
- And she's-- - Poised.
- Stunning, stunning. - And she's stunning.
I mean, I don't know what the hell happened with you.
[laughter]
Ubah do we need to go to Provisions
to get things for you?
Yeah, I would love--
She's literally been talking about Provisions
since we got in the car.
I can't handle it.
OK, I'm gonna get you a refill.
I'm gonna come with you 'cause I'm so hungry.
I'm gonna eat more caviar.
[sighs]
They're always complaining about food.
Like, how much eating needs to occur?
Why do people eat this sh--?
Sorry, I shouldn't say sh--. It's very good.
Why would I feed you lunch at 4:00?
We're going to dinner at 7:00.
Like, I feel bad that you guys haven't eaten.
- Yeah. - I got a--
I had a half of a carrot and a banana.
And I'm 6 feet.
Like, you gotta feed this machine.
I need to eat.
The bitches can starve, but I'm out.
Bye. I'm leaving!
Bye. See you in an hour or two.
Bye, Ubah.
I'm crying because I'm so hungry.
- Erin! - Yeah.
- What do you got to eat? - More caviar.
Caviar.
- Why are you laughing? - I'm sorry.
I'm hangry.
Ubah has very specific things she'll eat,
and Sai just wants to eat everything.
So, like, having only caviar as an option
might be a little bit exclusionary, but I'm happy.
I said we're having caviar.
I didn't know that you guys weren't gonna eat lunch.
Come to my house, you get fed,
You get good drinks, you get good toilet paper.
But that's just me.
Not everybody can be me.
I still don't understand why you were an hour late.
Were you trying to put out? Oh, no.
Wait. I think that you can help.
She needs, like, lingerie to spice things up.
I have whole bags. There's lingerie for everyone.
Oh, my God. Can you go get it?
- Yes, I'll go get it. - See, this is perfect.
- Go get it, try it on. - Wait, you have it now?
I'm not gonna try it on now. - She's so sweet.
When was the last time you had sex?
It's been a while, like a really long time.
- Like how long? - Like since before the babies.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. I need to understand.
That was the last time you had sex, like, actually?
Yeah.
Oh, my God. I have no words.
The emoji, emoji.
You guys don't understand like--
What don't we understand?
That your vagina has cobwebs on it.
We're gonna spice up your life!
Jenna, you really need to work
because she just told me she hasn't sex in two years.
Actually, like, it's not a joke.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, what?
- OK, guys-- - Sorry.
We gotta send you home with some lube
and some lingerie 'cause this sh-- is crazy.
Listen, I have twins. I don't have time.
I don't sleep. I barely eat.
Of course you have time.
Those kids go to bed at night. - I have three kids.
Do you have a good vibrator at least?
No. I should actually get one.
That one's for you, Jessel.
- Oh my goodness. - Thank you.
- Oh, my God. - This color.
- This is gorgeous. - OK, wait.
So just keep in mind, I told her that we were coming,
and she knows who you are.
Hi. - Oh my God, yes.
How come you guys got all this, like, sexy sh--,
and I have this, like--
That's very sexy.
Are you-- you don't think that's sexy?
No, it is.
But this is, like, naughty sexy.
Ooh.
No, I'm actually gonna wear this out underneath a blazer.
Wait, that's--yeah.
But I do have the most covered up situation.
It's this green thing.
If you've looked through my Instagram,
I feel like I give off sexy fun vibes.
Grinch vibes? I don't know about that.
As far as the most covered up, Jessel,
I think it might be me
because I feel like this is a lot of fabric.
- Is that a robe? - Oh, wow.
Beautiful.
- But that's very you. - Do you wear lingerie?
This will not be happening in front of anybody.
No, we're all trying it on tonight.
- We are? - Yeah.
- Let's do it. - You can, you can.
You can too.
No, no, no--you will see,
behind closed doors, why I would not.
I have a pretty rare genetic disorder.
So I don't--that's why I never show any skin.
The scars are just hyperpigmentation.
The one place I do not have any scars or any mottle
is right here in this landing strip,
so that's why it's often on display.
I think she should wear, like, a garter.
I really want you to have sex.
Like, I really want you to come.
I want to have sex too.
[upbeat music]
Oh, it's that smell.
Oh, no, no, the cafe's closed.
What the--
[cell phone ringing] - OK.
Hi.
Hi, Ubah.
[laughter]
Coming up...
Oh, let's go say hi to the chef.
Do not-- you cannot go in there.
- My God, hi. - Oh, she's [BLEEP].
- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. - Could I try that?
Ubah, get the [BLEEP] out of here!
[upbeat music]
♪
Cocktail time. [laughs]
Oh, actually, this is the bag I need to take.
Wait, no.
You can't have Alexander Wang on your back
and Balenciaga in your bag.
- Seriously? - No.
- Is it, like, too much? - Come on.
- It's too much. - It's fashion victim?
OK, Jenna Lyons called me a fashion victim.
One label's fine, but, like, you don't need to have--
like, it's too much.
Jessel works in the fashion industry.
Like, what are you doing?
All right, we ready? Ubah, let's go.
I'm thinking I don't need a jacket.
I think you'll be fine.
Am I regretting wearing this hat?
Hottie. Hottie with a body.
♪
Erin, where are we taking us?
So we're going to Topping Rose.
It is one of my favorite restaurants out here.
The food is exceptionally good.
I'm so excited we get to eat, you guys.
♪
Are we going in here?
So cute.
I haven't been here in a long time.
- Hi. - Good evening, welcome.
- The party has arrived! - This is my spot, guys.
Welcome to Topping, my favorite restaurant.
The twerking has begun.
It's really pretty.
Ah!
What do you mean, like, the positioning?
[laughs]
- Do you really have a compass? - Are you serious?
Yeah, yeah, perfect.
Why do you care which way is north?
I sit right here.
Like, Ubah's the only person who could bring a compass
to dinner, and I would not be surprised.
Like, of course, there's your compass.
Ubah's special, very special woman.
This is why I love New York,
'cause you only meet people like that here.
You need to face north? - North when you're sitting?
It depend on my mood. Like, right now, I face north.
- Is that--is it Mecca? - Do you wanna sit here?
What is happening right now?
My phone has compass.
I like to face north because it reminds me
to be my true self, true north, you know?
Before they used to know with sun.
They can lick their finger and see where the wind comes.
They can tell that way.
Since we became dumb, and dumb, and dumber,
I'm using a compass.
- Good evening. - Hi, how are you?
I'm good, thank you. This is our menu.
Which kind of cocktails you prefer?
Do you have virgin drinks?
Yes.
Bring them those virgin until we can't walk anymore.
- OK. - She's gonna get tipsy.
I don't drink.
I drank when I was younger, not good news.
Also, I smoked weed once-- hospital straight.
My life is so beautiful.
I think any time I try to, like,
escape the beautiful life I have,
God is like, get back there.
I don't drink. I don't like being hungover.
Not fun. I feel healthier.
I feel more present.
I'm happier not drinking.
Can I have a dirty martini with Belvedere?
Belvedere?
I will have the same but with Hendricks.
Can I do an espresso martini with tequila?
both: Thank you.
All right, so what's the plan tomorrow?
- OK, so tomorrow we are-- - The host with the most.
So I think we'll all be hungry in the morning.
- Yes. - Starving.
Right, we're not doing breakfast
before working out though.
- I was gonna make shakshuka. - Before we work out?
What are we doing for a workout?
My trainer is coming over.
I don't want to eat breakfast and then workout.
I will throw up. - Yeah, that might be--
So I guess we're gonna wake up,
and we're only having coffee
'cause nobody will eat my breakfast.
Oh, my-- I can't get past--
I'm sorry.
I will wake up at 7:00, and I will get your special coffee,
and then we'll all have regular layman's coffee.
Oh, no, I want Jenna's coffee.
I don't want regular layman's coffee.
They're gonna try it,
and then they're gonna want it too.
I brought my own ginger tea, so we're good on coffee.
- You did? - Yes.
I'll have tea.
Erin's gonna literally throw us out.
We're gonna be pitching a tent.
Am I being punked right now?
Girls, you're on your own. You have your ginger tea.
You can figure out your non-peasant coffee.
I'm good with that.
both: Cheers, guys. - Cheers.
- To Erin.
- Oh, my God. - Welcome to Toppings.
Thank you for having us.
- Damn, everybody's so rough. - Cheers, amore.
Hi, do you have any food restrictions that I have to--
- Start with her. - Do not ask.
Really, just don't ask. - No, no, I'm the last.
OK.
All right, I'm just gonna, like, order.
OK, we're gonna start with the oysters.
Let me take a picture.
You want a picture of your drink?
No, no, no, that's really tacky.
I want it to be completely clear.
People just think I'm taking iPhone photos at the corner.
I really do create digital content for brands,
but also have to keep up that same energy
by producing organic content.
So, yeah, I might take some iPhone photos with you.
I'm laughing all the way to the bank.
Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Does it turn you on, Jessel? - A little bit.
- Do I turn you on? - Oh, my God, girl.
I shouldn't wear my hair like this outside.
She's like a dominatrix.
Jessel in some lingerie tonight.
And we're gonna make you get in the mood.
I mean, there's no point getting me in the mood now.
So that way when you get home,
you'll be so hype and ready to go.
Do you need us to set up, like, a weekend for you
and take care of your kids?
Can't you just have sex in the shower?
But they haven't--
they haven't broken the seal yet.
We haven't broken the seal yet.
- It's been a while. - Do it.
Just go home and [BLEEP] your husband.
Were you screwing like crazy
before you were trying to get pregnant?
Yeah, like, what's normal? Like, three, four times a week?
But at three, four times a week, one night
just one time or one night like eight times?
- What - Wait.
You just have sex one time just one time, one night?
Yeah, girl.
Why take my clothes off for that?
[laughs]
Wait, what?
Do you really have sex like three times
every time you have sex?
I never have sex just one time in one--
- Never? - Never.
Sex eight times in one night is probably possible
if you just starfish the whole time.
I'm definitely a starfish.
Yep, this bitch is a starfish.
On the dance floor, I'm not.
In the bedroom, I'm the starfish for sure.
Makes sense.
Wait, how many times do you have sex?
I mean, I'll do it more than once,
but it's so different with--
women is a different conversation.
So we should probably take it-- - I wanna hear about it.
I'm curious. - I actually am so curious.
Teach us.
How did you know it wasn't guys
that do it for you any longer?
[upbeat music]
How did you know it wasn't guys
that do it for you any longer?
I had no idea.
I was in a very tricky situation.
My very close friend was gay,
and we were having a conversation.
My relationship was falling apart with my husband.
And I asked her, like, what happens with women?
Like, I just was curious.
I had no idea, honestly, so the same way you probably don't.
And by the end of the conversation,
after a lot of detail, I realized that, like,
I was--I felt sort of hot.
Like, I had never had that feeling before.
Like, I just wanted to kiss her.
I was completely surprised. - And did you?
No, we were sitting at dinner, but I wanted to.
And it was like something kind of went off inside of me.
I was like, something feels different here.
And then, you know-- - Wow.
And then I started to have, like, dreams about--
it was, you know, it just kind of like--
- Wow. - About your friend?
Yeah.
Something happened when I turned 40.
I had this beautiful little boy, I had this great job,
and I had this feeling inside that I wasn't happy.
And I remember thinking to myself,
like, I don't want to feel like this for another 40 years.
Like, when I was growing up, I had no idea it was a thing.
I knew men were, but I didn't know women were.
What? What do you mean?
It was just not a thing. Nobody--
- Really? - No.
The only person that was even remotely gay,
who was not admitted, was Billie Jean King.
- Was who? - Was who?
Billie Jean King.
I'm well aware that I'm older,
but, like, how do you not know who Billie Jean King is?
That's an important one. Come on.
It's just so crazy that people couldn't
be themselves for so long.
I didn't even know that I wasn't myself.
Did you come out, or is this something that--
Oh, no.
That was done for me by the "New York Post."
Really? By the "Post"?
The [BLEEP] "Post."
I'd been at a restaurant, and I was sitting
with this person, and we were not doing anything.
We were just having dinner.
And I'm sure we were maybe googly eyed,
but we weren't, like, holding hands or kissing.
We were very, like, low-key.
And I remember sitting at my office,
and I remember hearing my name,
"Jenna, dial 8001."
On the other end of the phone was our head
of PR and our CEO, and they were like--
Were you at J.Crew at the time?
Yeah, and the "Post" said,
"We have information that you are seeing a woman.
Would you like to confirm or deny?"
And my--I remember-- even talking about it now,
I just get hot because I was already
in the process of getting divorced.
But I had not told my mom. I had not told my brother.
I had not told my family.
I had not told anyone at work. - That's so not fair.
I didn't really know what I was doing.
It was like--I was three weeks into this thing.
I had no idea. - Oh, [BLEEP].
- It was only three weeks in? - Yeah, it was so early.
Anyway, so I heard the words come out of my mouth.
I just said confirm. - Wow.
You did? Good for you.
While it was devastating and probably one
of the hardest things I've ever experienced,
I am so grateful
for how incredibly gracious everyone at the office was.
Everyone was incredible.
Are you dating now?
- I am. - Who's the lucky lady?
- She's sitting right here. - Oh, my God.
[laughter]
Because I had so much press, like,
I am very quiet about that, so I'm not sharing that.
I wanna know what's going on with her relationship.
She knows my husband.
Why can't I know her girlfriend?
We're friends. That's what friends do.
We know each other's spouses.
I'm hoping she'll let her guard down a little bit.
Are you happy? - Yes.
That's the most important thing.
You see that smile? That's it.
My life has put me in the public eye
from my job and other things I've done,
and that is my choice.
And if someone does not want to be in that with me,
then I have to respect that.
How did you meet your husband? - Mutual friend.
We became, like, best friends. - Aww.
And we didn't even have a romantic relationship at all.
We were best friends for, like, two years, three years.
When did it switch?
So he was getting thrown out of his apartment.
He was throwing like a [BLEEP] ton of parties,
and at the same time,
I was moving out of my family's place.
He was like, "Hey, I'm looking, you're looking.
Like, why don't we find a place together?"
Like, we'd be roommates. - What?
You hadn't kissed at this point.
No, we had like zero.
- Like, let's be roommates? - Yeah, we were roomies.
- Wow. - Yeah.
So, wait, how long did that last?
Until my mom came into town, and my mom was, like,
"He's completely in love with you."
You never, ever looked at him that way?
I never looked at him like that.
We were dating completely, like, separate people
different people at same time.
I used to give Pavit relationship advice
on how to date girls in New York.
He is just such a dork when it comes to women,
and so I had to whip him into shape.
Were you having a lot of sex before?
- [laughs] - No, I'm--
No, we were.
We were married seven years before I had--
I got pregnant, which is a long freaking time.
So I didn't want--
like, it would stress me out when people would,
like, ask me all the time, like...
- Of course. - When are you having kids?
We were trying to conceive, and nothing was happening.
I had something called unidentified fertility object.
So I ended up going through five cycles of IVF.
It was brutal.
You know, in Indian culture, if you can't have children,
it's such a taboo.
It's so tough.
It becomes, like, gossip, and I didn't want
to be the subject of, like, any negativity.
Like, you guys met my mom.
I could have spoken to her about anything,
and it would have been fine.
You know, but in my head,
I just wanted to keep it to myself.
- She doesn't know you did IVF? - No.
I just didn't want to, like, worry them, you know.
We are a very reserved culture,
and everything circulates around family.
I didn't want to be seen as weak.
I didn't want to be seen as unable,
and so I chose to continue this narrative
that everything's fine.
Do you know what, now that I think about it,
and I'm making the connection, I was probably so scarred
by the fact that, like, it was work.
It was like, I'm ovulating. Go, go, go, go, go.
Putting him on a schedule.
I was putting him on a schedule,
and so maybe now when I think about it, like--
Oh, my God, you've discarded him.
- Maybe he feels like that. - Maybe he feels like that too.
Guys, we've had a breakthrough.
Yeah. Thank you, therapist.
I'm gonna go pee.
The bathroom here is annoying.
You have to go downstairs. - Is everyone going?
Yeah, I have to go.
Oh, let's go say hi to the chef.
Do not-- you cannot go in there.
My God, hi.
- Oh, she's [BLEEP]. - Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Can I try that?
Ubah, get the [BLEEP] out of here.
It's funny. I'm amused.
I'm embarrassed, but I'm also very much so amused.
Sorry.
Oh, my God, this is what I make with my rice and beans.
This is the best thing ever.
It's a coconut milk, but you want
to make sure it's unsweetened.
Thank God Ubah does not drink, thank God.
If Ubah had a sip of champagne,
I would leave whatever event we were at.
Wait for me. I'm bringing this to Jessel.
No, you can't steal the coconut--
you can't steal the [BLEEP]-- put it back!
- No, no. - No?
You know how a meal here is? It's very expensive.
If they didn't want people to take those stuff,
they should not put right on the door
to go to the bathroom.
So what? It's a can of coconut cream.
It's very hard to find this coconut cream.
Oh, I hear them.
I can hear the cackling. - Of course you can.
I'll leave you since they're coming back for you.
- Jessel. - What?
When you see your husband next--
Oh, my God.
What is in there, toilet paper?
She stole stuff from the restroom.
What the [BLEEP] did you take?
It's a coconut milk from the kitchen.
You went in the kitchen?
Can you not put this right by where I'm sitting
so that they think that I did that?
You have a British accent. You are not gonna go to jail.
I really can't believe you-- you gotta put that back.
- Why? - Because you--
Do you know how much my salad costs?
No, really. It's giving me anxiety.
Like, we're at a nice restaurant.
You have to put that back. - I promise.
I promise we'll put it back. - I'm sorry.
Could you return this to the pantry?
Absolutely. No worries.
They're never gonna let us back in here.
Coming up...
I feel like a Christmas tree. I'm a [BLEEP] Christmas tree.
Anyone that thinks that this is sexy is crazy.
[thunder rumbling]
She says she wants to go inside and put on sweatpants.
And I was telling her-- - No, girl.
Lingerie! - We have a plan.
We have a plan.
Run, run!
- Ah, it's raining! - Ubah, take your shoes off.
Oh, sh--.
I'm putting on lingerie.
My hair, my shoes, my jacket.
Sai, literally, my hair is----ed up.
- Your ponytail looks amazing. - Thank you.
Ah! - I'm riding, whoo, whoo!
Oh, my God, I'm not a pony.
Jesus Lord.
All right.
Guys, are we doing lingerie?
Erin!
I think this is gonna end badly.
Help me.
What do--
That's good.
This is a good workout.
For who?
What's going on over there?
Oh, my God.
Oh, dear Lord. My God.
Um, nothing.
Damn, sista.
I like it. I like it a lot.
This is hot. - It's giving--
- It's giving boob. - It's giving rich mom.
What are we doing? Are you putting on more oil?
- No, putting lotion. - Oh, that's your lingerie?
- Yeah. - Are the babies OK?
I'm taking this back. Look what I have.
I have a grandma outfit.
You're-- that's beautiful this outfit.
No, I guess they went there, look up my Instagram.
They said, this is grandma.
I feel offended! I am so----ing offended.
It's like a----ing grandma's outfit she give to me.
Who is this lady?
Erin got two pieces, and I got one pieces.
Did she see my body?
Wait, I do feel like you're naked and I'm not.
What party are we at?
[humming]
[laughter]
Jenna, I take it back. I love it.
[gasps] I mean, the body doesn't quit.
- Where is Jenna? - I take it back.
I like it. - You look gorgeous.
I can't believe I got a size large.
I'm changing.
Jessel, come down here, so I can teach you some tricks.
Anyone that thinks that this is sexy is, like, crazy.
I feel like-- - How do you know?
- I feel like a Christmas tree. - Let us see it.
I'm a----ing Christmas tree.
Oh, my God.
And then, like, lotion exploded all over me.
It was, like, very symbolic. - You look gorgeous.
The fit is interesting.
It kind of, like, juts out at the hip a little bit,
so it's a little triangular maybe.
- You are gorgeous. - No, I hate it.
I absolutely hate it.
And plus a size large.
You never really wanna see that in lingerie.
You kind of wanna see an XS or an S.
- I think you look so pretty. - This is not my vibe at all.
Why, 'cause it's the-- what is it, the fabric?
It's the color or the fabric.
It doesn't seem to me that she has any connection
that what she's saying might be really
kind of rude and offensive.
I don't get it.
Like, I'm completely dumbfounded honestly.
- I am-- - Look at yours.
- This is not my vibe. - Oh, hell yeah.
I feel like I'm a granny in this.
Do you want a satin pajama set?
- No, I want a margarita. - OK.
She's going on, and on, and on
about how ugly the garment is.
It's not that bad.
She's being a huge bitch, and she has no [BLEEP] clue.
And that is the weirdest part.
I absolutely hate it.
I can see on Jenna's face she is horrified,
but at the same time, Jenna doesn't
have enough balls to say, "Hey, can you guys stop?"
If I was in Jenna's shoes, I'd say,
bitches, give back my sh--.
But this is, like, hideous.
I would never wear this, by the way.
I can't believe...
Next time on
"The Real Housewives of New York City"...
- Hi. - Oh!
Oh, my God. Are you OK?
Welcome to Brynn's bootie camp,
upper middle class bitches.
Give me more, Jenna. Give me more, Jenna!
Come on. Oh, that's good.
Do you wanna do planks? - Nah, I wanna do you.
OK, two truths and a lie.
Oh, sooky-sook, ey!
I had sex at a Knicks game.
Oh, my God, who hasn't dated a Knicks player?
Nothing can be Jenna's fault. It's probably my fault.
Maybe I like her a little bit more.
It's just 'cause I'm cute.
Or because you're Jenna Lyons.
I don't have as much to offer as Jenna.
You couldn't stand the gift that she gave you.
"I hate it. I look like a Christmas tree."
- It didn't feel great. - Well, it wasn't nice.
Oh, my God.