♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
♪ And I am proud to be
♪ Right back in my hometown
♪ With my new family
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place
♪ Where everyone will know
♪ My happy mustached face
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
(chuckles)
Dinner!
What's on tap, baby?
Your favorite.
I usually have my "favorite" as a midnight snack.
Your bib's on the nightstand.
(moaning)
Uhp.
Oh, I know I'm not looking at another plate of scallops.
Scallops?! Hooray!
It's his favorite. I figured that out
since we've had it ten times this month.
I'm gonna go toast up my favorite:
fish sticks and Tater Tots.
Honey, we're out of them.
We had some this morning.
What happened to 'em? Guilty!
♪ Fish sticks and Tater Tots and Strawberry Quik. ♪
DONNA: Dinner!
CLEVELAND: What's on tap, baby?
So, Cleveland Jr., are you all packed
for your school trip to D.C.?
I'm not going on that trip.
Not going?
This is your chance to visit our nation's capital
and see how white people created our country
with no help from anybody else.
I'm not going.
Bye, Shamu.
It's just that Junior's never spent
a night away from his parents.
Roberta, you going on that trip, aren't you?
No way I'm babysitting.
Roberta, let me introduce you
to some gentlemen of influence.
Mr. Andrew Jackson and his twin brother
Mr. Andrew Jackson.
And a hemp-growing slave owner--
you know him as "The General"--
Mr. George Washington.
Forty-one dollars?
$41 for keeping an eye on my boy.
Forty-one dollars.
Hey, Junior, you ready to have a good time
in Washington with your big sister
looking out for you?
CLEVELAND JR.: Okay.
All right. Come on up here, Junior.
Daddy, watch out! Somebody put a lot of boogers
under your part of the table. (clearing throat)
Let's go, people.
I want fannies on the bus!
Come on, fannies on the bus!
(sighs)
Come on, little brother.
Hey, Cleveland Jr. What?
Get bitches, man.
(indistinct shouting) Okay, zip it, lock it,
put it in your pocket.
This is Tim and Arianna,
Raymond's mom and dad.
That's, uh, that's Raymond, right back there.
Hello?
Eh, you watch out, pretty girls.
He's, he's going to try to kiss your face.
Oh, that's a wonderful message, Tim.
Because kissing girls is certainly
going to get him into Princeton University.
They'll be your chaperones.
They have the power to give you demerits.
I will take back that power at the end of the trip.
But until then, you will treat them with respect.
Remember, no iPods, no carbonated beverages,
and one last rule.
Have...
fun!
(bouncy jingle plays on TV)
ANNOUNCER (on TV): The Barf Family
will return on Fox after these messages.
Um, fast-forward.
What? Fast-forward through the commercial.
I'm not gonna fast-forward through the commercial.
Why not? That's why we got a DVR.
We got a DVR so we could record
the programs we want to watch
with he commercials.
Your generation needs to calm down.
Look, these ad men are doing
all sorts of research on what we want to buy.
Then they're putting descriptions of the products
on during the shows they know we're gonna watch.
They're going shopping for us.
"Fast-forward through the commercials."
Fast-forward to your bedtime.
ANNOUNCER: Cascade, your husband...
Wow!
(indistinct shouting) Tim, why aren't you doing anything?
They're going crazy back there.
It's like American Pie Four: Band Camp.
(sighs)
May I have your attention, please...
(bus thuds, Tim grunts)
(screams)
Oh, so sorry about that.
But hey, you know, now, now you look like
a, a very pretty Edward James Olmos, ha.
Yes, you see what you made me do?
You made me make a freak out of that girl.
I brought Daniel Boone hats to wear for the bus ride.
Sounds like fun.
It is fun.
(funk music plays)
(whispering): There's Oliver Wilkerson.
They say there ain't a sport he hasn't lettered in
or a girl who hasn't let him in.
Give me your seats.
Why was I whispering? He's deaf.
But I want to sit close to my sister.
It's not right to separate a family.
Tell him, Roberta.
He's not my real brother.
His dad married my mom.
Nobody asked my permission.
Well, well, well-- the plot thickens.
(laughter)
Out of my chair, fatso.
Rallo, be nice.
Well, I'm tired of him picking the menu,
eating my fish sticks,
sitting where I used to sit,
running around like he owns the place.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is your name on the mortgage of this house?
No. Is yours?
No, but that's just a matter of paperwork.
I have an appointment with Len Stein later this week.
Oh, he called back?
Yeah, I made us an appointment
at 10:30 on Thursday.
I got to work on Thursday.
Oh. You know what I'll do?
I'll get Len to overnight us the signature copies.
Hold on.
Len? Hey, Cleveland Brown here.
Cleveland Brown?
Donna Tubbs' new husband.
Yeah. How you doing?
Listen, Donna won't be able to make it on Thursday,
so we were hoping you could send us the signature pages
of the inter-spousal transfer of title form.
I'm assuming they need a real signature and not a faxed copy?
Right, yeah. Um, could you just send them
to us here at the house?
Yeah, that way we'll sign them
and I'll just make our file copies at Kinkos.
Hey, and while I'm there,
I'll just overnight it right back to you.
Great! Thanks, Len!
Ask me Thursday at noon if my name's on the mortgage.
So I'm getting undressed,
thinking he's running the bath for me,
only to walk in and see his big ol' butt
stepping into the tub.
And believe me, it was not a good angle.
(grunts)
Did you even get a bath?
Hell, no.
We was out of hot water.
I had to take a whore's bath at the sink.
Oh, but I am clean, m-most definitely clean.
Sounds like he's not respecting your position in the family.
I'm the man of that house.
So what are you gonna do, Rallo?
I'm gonna hit him where it hurts: the dong.
(vocalizing dramatic sting): ♪ Dong, dong, dong.
(buzzing)
Oh, there it is.
Mm.
Move your black crack, Jack.
Cleveland!
Rallo had a nightmare.
I'm far too scared to sleep alone.
You can sleep with us tonight.
CLEVELAND: There's no room.
Trust me, there's room for three in this bed.
- What?! - Uh, uh,
I said there's room for "Clee" in this bed.
You don't call me "Clee."
Sure, I do.
I love you, Clee.
Oh, I love you, too, Dahn.
Mm, mm, mm,
mm, mm--
(grumbling): 'Nuff of this damn...
Ha!
Good night, chump.
(yawning)
Oh, look who's sitting at his spot
at the head of the table. (grumbling)
Sleep well? I did.
Like a baby.
Like a baby nestled against his mother's bosom.
I should be the bosom-nestler.
Mmm! This Danish is good.
Check out my tower of power!
DEREK: Your junk is monumental.
(all laughing) Look at him.
Tim, they're using the Washington Monument
now as their wang.
Go stop them. Okay, okay.
No. What?
No, I-I'm not going to tell them to stop.
They're just kids having fun like we used to have.
Oh, what happened to us?
What happened to the free spirit I fell in love with
who, who used to zip around town on her Vespa
like a giant Audrey Hepburn?
You're right.
I've become a nag.
A horrible, whining, repetitive nag.
Th-Th-That's all I'm saying.
W-We, we, we need to do something crazy.
We need a game-changer tonight!
Yes, yes, let's get tattoos and eat falafel.
Oh, Arianna, where have you been?
Right in front of you.
(pleasurable moaning)
OLIVER: Wow, everybody's hooking up on this trip.
Oh, is this yours?
I'm gonna need a closer look.
Oh, man.
You wouldn't believe the horrifying
and terrifying nightmare I had.
Another nightmare? Mm-hmm.
Oh, you poor thing.
Don't you see he's just tricking you into babying him?
Cleveland, he's a little boy.
Let him get used to our new family.
But he doesn't need to sleep in our bed.
That's where we do things to each other.
Dirty things.
Disrespectful things.
Things that make it hard for me
to look you in the eye the next day.
Your sweet talk is not going to work on me tonight.
RALLO: Mama, I'm cold.
Come back to bed.
Cleveland, he's five.
Exactly. Let's just go for it.
He won't know what we're doing.
He'll think we're wrestling.
Doggy wrestling.
(Ernie snoring, muffled bass beats)
(hiphop playing)
(laughter)
(laughing): Sweet jammies.
Thanks, they're also flame retardant.
Excuse me, Roberta?
What do you want?
I need you to do me a favor.
Um, check under my bed for...
(clearing throat): ...monsters.
Cleveland Jr., get out of here.
You're too old to be believing in monsters.
Well, I know that intellectually,
but phobias are not always rational.
That's what makes them so--
(roaring) (screaming)
(all laughing)
Cleveland, can you dry this for me?
Why don't you have your boyfriend Rallo do it?
Please, Cleveland.
He's my son and he's adjusting as best he can.
But we promised in our wedding vows
that we would have sex every night.
What? No-no, we didn't.
It was implied.
Look, I'm serious.
Donna, this has been going on too long.
I'm your husband.
All right, all right, fine.
I'll talk to him tonight.
Good.
Oh, to be a fly on the wall for that conversation.
Oh, this is gonna be good.
Hey, what's that awful smell?
Oh, it's on my little hand-things.
Is that--?
(sniffs) Oh, gross.
Oh, now why would I land on a steaming pile of--?
All right, here's your pizza, your banana split
and your milkshake, served with a crazy straw
and crazy napkin--
designed by our crazy chef Nick Nolte.
(muttering)
You know what, Mama?
The more time I spend with you, the more I like you.
You can't say that about most women.
Rallo, baby, there's something we need to talk about.
I love you, but Mama's married now.
And a husband and a wife have a room with their bed,
and a child has a room with his bed.
Oh, so all of a sudden I'm a "child"?
No, you're a young man, and a young man...
Don't you patronize me, lady.
Rallo, please.
People are beginning to stare.
Well, let's give them something to stare at.
This woman broke my heart.
Uh, excuse me.
I'm taking a child psychology course
at the community college.
Maybe I can help you guys work this out?
You can try.
(loud slaps)
Listen to your mother!
Okay, that'll be two tokens.
Send a woman to do your dirty work.
How do you sleep at night?
Butt naked, next to your mama.
(high-pitched laugh)
I can't believe we're stuck in this motel for another night.
Nothing exciting has ever happened in a D.C. hotel.
Didn't Marion Barry get caught smoking crack at a D.C. hotel?
Okay, yeah, but besides that.
Didn't Reagan get shot at a D.C. hotel?
Besides that.
Watergate happened at a hotel, I know that.
(stammering): I know, I know.
And didn't Elliot Spitzer...?
O-Okay, whatever.
The point is, we need to go out and find a party.
Hey, guys, I got an idea.
We need to go out to find a party.
Yo, Oliver's right.
There are so many bomb spots out there
where I could get the crowd jumping with my demo.
There's a fat beat on top of it.
I'm going, like--
(beatboxing): ♪ Ooh, yeah, ooh, ooh
♪ Ooh, yeah, ooh, ooh...
Then I go:
♪ Federline, Federline Jones.
It's hot, y'all.
Peace.
(Tim laughing and shushing)
Our marriage no longer feels like a death sentence!
(boys laughing and shushing)
Where's Roberta?
Last I saw, she was with Federline at this party.
He played his demo and they beat the crap out of him.
Mr. Tim, uh, sorry to wake you,
but I think Roberta might be in trouble.
Hello?
Is anybody there?
TIM: Oh, yes. Oh, Tim, you're so naughty.
- Oh, Yes! Yes! Yes! - That tickles.
Oh, yes, Tim! Oh, yes!
(both roaring)
(siren wailing)
Which direction is the club Roberta's at?
(gunshots)
Donna, guess what's wearing my watch.
Hope it's waterproof.
(both laughing)
Uh... oh...
(screaming)
Ow, ow, oh! Rallo!
Ow, oh, ow!
(sobbing)
Oh, baby, Mama's so sorry.
It's his fault.
He made me break my leg.
And he ate my Tater Tots and my fish sticks.
And he sat in my chair.
And he called me the N-word.
Wha-- I'm allowed to, right?
I usually make a left to go to the bathroom
when I'm in your room, but I was in my room
where it was all dark and scary and I got turned around.
I didn't know which way to go.
We're so sorry. Aren't we, Cleveland?
Oh, why? 'Cause he doesn't know his left from his right?
What's wrong with you?
My loins ache.
I'm so sorry, Rallo.
You can sleep in our bed as long as you need to.
What?!
Oh, man, this kid is worse than people who don't recycle.
Hi, I'm Cleveland Brown, reminding you to recycle.
It's great for the environment, and it only takes a second.
Aw, it's wet.
Is that milk?
(sniffs) Aw, it's beer.
Oh, oh, this whole bag stinks.
Aw, you know what, (bleep) this.
It's all trash to me.
Y'all recycle.
I'm gonna go wash my (bleep) hands.
Drugs here.
Get your drugs here.
Ice cold drugs.
(deep male voice): You boys want to party?
What, like a pizza party?
Let me rephrase that.
You want to see my vageenis?
No, thank you.
But do you know where this club is?
Yeah, baby.
Go to the end of this street, then two blocks to the right.
If you pass the corpse in the alley, you've gone too far.
Thank you, sir. Thank you, ma'am.
(lively party sounds)
How would you like to be seen by two million people?
Really?
Yeah, take off your shirt.
What?! Come on,
we'll give you a free hat.
(cheering)
No-- I don't think-- I'm not-- uh...
CLEVELAND JR.: You want to see a pair of boobs?
Check these out.
Check out the fat chick.
(hiphop playing)
Roberta, I'm here to rescue you,
like Luke did for his sister Princess Leia in Star Wars.
And like Anakin did for Padme
in Star Wars, Episode Two: Attack of the Clones,
which unlike the three original films,
did not seem to take place in an authentic environment.
You came to save me.
Thank you, little brother.
But how are we gonna get out of here?
Like this.
That's right. I'm a boy.
(screeching)
All I want is to sleep in the same bed as my wife.
But it's not just about the bedroom, Rallo.
I married your mother because I love her very much,
and we are now trying to build a new life for all of us.
So, what do you say? No.
What?! But I'm offering you the head of the table,
the newspaper... I said no.
The remote, the first bath...
I love her, too, and she's mine.
And where I come from, you don't share a woman.
Rallo, you're not being...
Look, old man, I broke one leg to get what I want.
Don't think I won't break another one.
Oh, you-you broke your leg on purpose?
You-- you're crazy!
(gasps)
What are we gonna read tonight, sugar?
How about Thomas the Tank Engine?
I'm sorry, baby, Mama's not feeling too good.
I'm going to sleep.
Good night, Cleveland.
(sighs)
Aw, Sir Thomas, she's laying here with me,
but she's thinking about him.
I don't mind torturing Old Brown,
but I cannot bear to see my mama in pain.
Well, as Kobe Bryant once said,
"I have overstayed my welcome in this bed."
(snoring)
Hey, old man, we need to talk.
Wake up! (screams) What the...?!
I'll take that deal if it's still on the tab--
DONNA: Oh, Clee!
Oh, Dahn!
♪ Whenever you call me I'll be there ♪
♪ Whenver you want me I'll be there ♪
♪ Whenever you need me I'll be there ♪
♪ I'll be around
The crown is heavy, but somebody's got to wear it.
Yeah, you got a fish stick and a remote control.
Have fun living with that pin in your leg
for the rest of your life.