♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
♪ And I am proud to be
♪ Right back in my hometown
♪ With my new family
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place
♪ Where everyone will know
♪ My happy mustached face
♪ This is The Cleveland Show ♪
(chuckles)
Rallo, are you done with the internet?
Because I need to find some data about building a rocket
for the school science fair,
because they're having a science fair at school,
and I want to build a rocket for it.
Take a knee, Chubs.
I'm wrapping it up.
You'd be amazed how many people
on the internet want to meet a five-year-old boy.
Move it, Heavy C.
This ain't the microwave.
I need to update my Facebook page
with these slammin' pictures of me in my new bikini.
Facebook is a joke.
You know who is my friend on Facebook?
Margaret Cho.
A woman I have not met,
nor wish to ever meet,
is somehow a friend of mine.
Puh-lease.
I also don't need your stupid status updates.
Ooh, Betsy Sherman is excited to watch Heroes.
Go suck an egg, Betsy!
You know what?
I need to Twitter that.
Go... suck...
an egg... Betsy.
Guys notice anything different?
No.
Put your finger in my nose.
Okay.
Mm. Smooth.
Yeah, you bet it is, thanks to the Nasalaser.
Laser-guided system burns follicles at the root.
Same one Joe Buck uses.
That's a clever invention.
I got the inventor bug myself.
Among other bugs. And crabs.
What kind of stuff you invent, Lester?
Well, I got something called the Buddy Beer.
Give me a sec.
You know, I never leave home without the prototype.
It's a beer bottle with two necks,
so if you're short on cash, you and a buddy can share it.
Oh, yeah.
We sshould invent something!
I've always wanted to be an inventor.
Ladies and gentlemen,
what if I told you you could have a cracker
that's also a phone?
Boom. The i-Ritz.
(touch tones sounding)
I just made a call on a cracker!
I just ate a phone!
MAN: That's stupid!
You're sstupid!
I got a couple of ideas,
uh, rattling around the old noodle.
Hell, I got notebooks of ideas.
And song lyrics.
♪ Done farted in the bathtub ♪
♪ Done farted on my horse ♪
♪ Done farted on my mama ♪
♪ She got mad, of course ♪
♪ Fart, fart, farta, da-da, fart, fart, fart ♪
♪ Eh-da, duh, farta fart, fart, fart. ♪
That's the spirit!
Let's everybody come up with an invention,
and we'll meet back here tomorrow night.
(cheering) All right!
Don't look. It's Margaret Cho.
MARGARET CHO: Cleveland?
Damn.
Mm. Better get my wood to woodshop.
I'm making you a mad large key to hang all your other keys on.
This is real, yo.
(school bell ringing)
Roberta, the bell has rang.
Rung. Rang?
The bell has rang.
The bell has rung. Hmm.
The bell went (trilling),
and you're going to be late for class.
I'm sorry. I just need one minute to make sure I look good.
Do you think I look good, Mr. Armstrong?
Kiss me.
You didn't hear that. Hear what?
(laughs) Nothing to hear. Okay.
(echoing): They'll never find me up here.
TEACHER: You're tardy, Ms. Tubbs.
I'm sorry, Mr. Elmore.
I was taking a long, soapy shower after P.E. and...
Ouch.
Who are you?
I'm Ms. Eck, Mr. Elmore's replacement,
and I do not tolerate tardiness, Ms. Tubbs.
A C-minus?!
If you have a problem with your grade,
you can see me after class.
Now, please take your seat.
Ignore that.
(school bell ringing)
I have seen this before, you know.
Pretty girl, coasting by on her looks.
Taking life for granted because everything is handed to her.
I get things handed to me
because I'm smart and funny and talented.
Yes, my body is re-donk-a-donk-ulous,
but I'm also very likable.
I'm like a black Halle Berry.
Sit down.
I want to show you something.
This is Pam Anderson in 1997.
This is her today.
(gasps)
Kirsten Dunst, June 10, 2004.
This is her four days later.
Meg Ryan, 1989.
And now.
(gasps) Oh, my God!
Turn it off!
You know, I myself used to be doable.
Well, what happened?
I turned 30.
I'll make a deal with you.
If you can prove that your life would be just as easy
if you were unattractive, then I'll raise this C to an A.
It's the only way you can prove that you can succeed
based on who you are on the inside.
Deal?
Deal.
But how am I supposed to make this ugly?
A fat suit?
(gasps) Just like Tyra Banks.
Hollywood costume shop.
High quality.
Look at this fupa.
Look at this poopa.
Fupa. Poopa.
Ah, what a good time.
Okay, my invention
is magnetic fly jeans.
Easy to get off and on,
and if you're bear-hairy
down there, like I am,
there's no more worrying
about the zipper jaws of death.
Don't need it. Shaved. And waxed.
I got a chicken wing glove.
It's got razor blades on the fingers
to pull the meat off the bones, wet naps on the pinky,
and the thumb's a blue cheese dispenser.
(bleep) thing.
Okay, I got a gum reflavorizor.
You put new flavor in your gum with a syringe thing.
Uh, Shirtflix.com
It's like Netflix, but with shirts.
And a fart amplification device, which is self-explanatory.
What'd you come up with, Terry, hmm?
Aw, nothing, man.
Nah, I forgot we were even doing this.
Holt, slide me one of those beers, will you?
(grunts)
Thank you.
Hey, that's what someone should invent--
a device where you can slide a beer to someone.
How handy would that be?
Bars all over the world would buy that.
A coaster that rolls.
The Roller Coaster.
Gentlemen, I think we just invented an invention.
(cheering and whooping)
Yeah! (screams)
What-What...? What do I do?
I think you're supposed to put it in your rectum
to maintain its body temperature till you get to the hospital.
Right, right, right.
I knew that. Thanks, brah.
Fug alert, yo!
Hi. I'm Tyra.
I'm new here.
Can you show me around the school?
Step off, beast!
I already got a shawty, and she got mad ass, yo.
Mad ass!
Is-Is that the only reason you like her, because she's hot?
She's smart and-and funny, too, right?
What's party with all these questions, Buggawoof?
It don't matter if she smart or funny,
so long as I'm peepin' dat sweet apple bottom
and fine set of breasteses.
Know what I'm sayin', Omega Mu?
(laughter)
Excuse me, I know you're new here,
but that's no excuse for tardiness.
I'm sorry.
I just needed one minute to make sure I look good.
Do you think I look good?
Oh! Aah!
(screaming)
Oh, wonderful.
My antidepressants are in there.
Five bucks a pop.
Go get me a glass of water, fatty.
Gentlemen, I present to you the...
Peek-a-boo!
Rallo?! Where's the Roller Coaster?
Chillax. It's right here.
Put the beer on it.
You mean this empty bottle?
Wha...? You drank the beer?
Maybe. Give me a light.
The Roller Coaster!
Ooh! Ooh!
Mm, I gotta be honest.
I ain't 100% on the name.
What... What's wrong with the name?
It's too obvious.
How about something like the Brew-Choo Train?
The Brew-Choo... No, we're not gonna call it the Bre...
Ale aboard!
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
We could change the name.
We could, or we could just stick with the Roller Coaster,
so, let's do that, okay?
Cool.
Well, how come you get to decide?
What, you think just 'cause you're black,
you're automatically the leader?
No. A little.
All in favor of Brew-Choo Train?
Aye! What?!
Aye! What's happening?
Aye! All for Roller Coaster?
Aye! DONNA: Rallo, tater tots!
All right!
(hollow clank)
It's okay. I'm drunk.
Doesn't hurt.
CLEVELAND JR.: Do you mind if I sit with you?
Um...
...okay.
I'm Tyra.
Nice to meet you, Tyra.
I'm Student Council President Cleveland Brown, Jr.
I was the new kid recently,
so I know how many buttholes are at this school,
but I'm sure once people get to know you,
you'll have lots of friends.
Thank you, Cleveland Jr.
That's the nicest thing anybody has said to me in days.
What's that? It's a rocket.
I'm building it for the science fair,
but it won't lift off because the astronaut's too heavy.
But if I take him out, then it won't be authentic.
Hmm.
Well... maybe you could do this.
That's a great idea!
Thanks! BOY: You hear that, guys?
Cleveland Jr. thinks this is going to win the science fair.
Well, what are you guys making?
We've translated Monty Python
and the Holy Grail into Klingon,
and we're going to do a shot-for-shot,
stop-motion remake using vintage,
new-in-box, eight-inch,
Mego DC Comics action figures.
TRIO: Nerds!
That does sound better than a rocket.
Uh-uh.
Junior's going to win that science fair,
and I'm going to help him do it.
You are?
Oh, boy.
Who are you?
(raspy): I'm Fat Girl.
(nerds gasping)
It's the Alda-nator, converting any voice into that of...
(Alda's voice): ...TV star Alan Alda.
You want to try?
(Alda's voice): Um, I'm liberal know-it-all Alan Alda.
Holy crap, this thing really works.
Give me that.
(phone rings)
KENDRA: Hello.
(Alda's voice): Kendra, it's Alan Alda.
Oh... my... Lord.
I just wanted to thank you for the letters
and tell you that I wish all my fans were just like you.
Oh, I love you, Mr. Alda.
Thank you for calling.
What? I-I love my wife.
If that makes me some kind of homo, then so be it.
(normal voice): What the hell is this?
I've tried to be diplomatic,
but the Brew-Choo Train is a stupid name.
Look, I'm the only one
who knows what he's doing in this group.
It was my idea, I did all the work,
and now you want me to ruin it with your stupid name?
I don't think so.
You know, Cleveland, I'm getting sick of your face.
Yeah, man,
y-you know, y-y-you- you-you're starting to,
you're starting to put yourself before the project,
and you, sir, are no Alan Parsons.
Cleveland... you're fired.
Well, then, I'm taking my sign.
(Alda's voice): Go (bleep) yourselves.
Another failed launch.
I'm starting to feel like whoever's in charge
of Fox's live-action sitcoms.
Wait a minute.
The wind.
We forgot to account for wind resistance.
Of course.
We need to adjust the trajectory
at launch to compensate.
Wow, Tyra, you're smart.
Thank you.
I've never been friends with a girl before.
Is it true you guys can clap
your breasts together like a seal?
No.
Thanks a lot, Wikipedia.
Three... two... one!
(laughs)
Yeah, real tough.
This is still pretty cool!
And the winner of this year's
Stoolbend High School science fair is
Cleveland Brown Jr. and Tyra Obama.
Whoo-hoo! Hooray!
That's A+ work, Tyra.
Yay!
(fanfare plays)
Why did you do that, Junior?
Because I...
I love you, Tyra.
(theme music plays)
Will these two fatties make a love connection?
We'll be back to let you know in two and two.
Good morning, my beautiful family.
Well, Junior, you're in a good mood.
It's because... I'm in love.
In love?! Who is she?
It's a she, right? 'Cause if it's a he,
I'm sending you to one of those camps.
She's a new girl at school,
and I'm super excited.
You see, Dad, it's not just superficial.
I'm deep in love.
How deep?
You know how when I go in the ball pit
at Cheese E. Charley's
and I sink all the way down to the bottom
and you can't find me?
That sdeep?
That's right, Dad.
♪ I'm talkin' 'bout balls-deep ♪
♪ In love
♪ I'm talkin' 'bout balls-deep ♪
♪ In love
♪ I want to have sex with her personality ♪
♪ Dry-hump her positive traits
♪ Give a pounding to her feelings ♪
♪ Make her south-mouth salivate ♪
♪ Hey, Tyra, are you listenin'? ♪
♪ We're not talkin' just the tip in ♪
♪ Thank you, Scottie Pippen... ♪
No problem. Just here dropping off an application.
Players in my day didn't make as much as they do today.
Huh, sorry to hear that.
Um, where was I?
♪ You were talkin' 'bout ♪
♪ Balls-deep
♪ I'm talkin' 'bout balls-deep ♪
BOTH: ♪ We're talkin' 'bout balls-deep ♪
♪ In love
♪ I'm talkin' 'bout balls-deep ♪
♪ My boy's talkin' 'bout balls-deep ♪ ♪ Balls-deep
ALL: ♪ We're talkin' 'bout balls-deep ♪
♪ In love.
(all laughing)
Well, that's great, Junior.
Why don't you invite her over for dinner?
No!
I mean, um, girls don't like
being pushed into meeting parents.
You're going to scare her away.
That's stupid.
Teenage girls love to be told what to do.
"Come over here, sweetie.
"Lose the top.
"All right, now lose the bottom.
"Hmm, not bad.
"Turn around.
"Okay, now turn back around
and show me how bad you want to be a cheerleader."
From the mouths of babes.
Here she comes.
Now, I didn't tell her you'd be here
because I didn't want her to be nervous.
Tyra, over here.
Roberta.
Oh, my God.
(laughs)
That is exceptional.
Family, I want you to meet Tyra.
Tyra?! That's a "Tyra-ble" disguise.
(laughs)
Oh, Junior, what have you done?
I'm sorry I tricked you, Tyra,
but I really wanted my family to meet you
to prove you were real--
a real girl who likes me
and not a prostitute or a robot.
W-Would you excuse me?
I need to use the restroom.
Yeah, I'll bet you do 'cause you're so full of crap.
And that's why I'm dressed this way.
A fat suit?!
What the hell kind of comedy high school
are you going to, anyway?
Hey, Tyra,
see you at the game on Friday.
What do I do, Cleveland?
I don't want to hurt him, but I have to go back to being myself.
You got yourself into this mess.
You've got to figure a way out.
Fup-away!
Oh, look who it is.
You come to gloat about your success?
Well, how about you suck it instead?
'Cause Shirtflix.com is online, bitches.
Check it out.
Comes with its own "shirt-a-lope."
You mail it back, three days later, whole new shirt.
Cleveland, we, uh, we wanted to apologize to you
for, uh, you know, kicking you out of the group
like you were some gay soldier.
Uh, we also wanted to tell you
we're getting sued for copyright infringement.
What? The Brew-Choo Train already exists,
except it's called the Cider Glider.
Awesome name. Better than ours.
That sounds kind of familiar.
ANNOUNCER: It's time to say good-bye
to the frustration of not being able
to slide your beverage across a table
because the Cider Glider is here.
Pssh!
They should call that the Roller Coaster.
(inhales deeply)
(exhales deeply)
(smacks lips)
Huh, I totally forgot about that.
Well, I guess I lucked out, then, huh?
Well, uh, not really.
You see, we, we, uh, we forgot to take your name
off the paperwork as inventor,
so, so what that means is you're the only one getting sued,
so, uh, so sorry about that.
Stool later?
You got served.
I'm tired of you.
(screams)
Good morning, Tyra.
I brought you a flower for your hair
to brighten up your face a little.
I'll work on myself, too, but you got to do your part.
Look, Junior... I have some bad news.
My family is moving to Alaska.
What? But you just moved here.
I know, but-- you got to keep this a secret--
my dad is Iron Man.
Wow!
But what about us?
I'm really sorry, Junior.
You know, I've gone to a lot of schools,
and I've never met a boy as sweet as you.
I've learned so much about myself just being your friend.
Thank you, Junior.
Good-bye, Tyra.
I got a postcard from Tyra!
"Dear Junior, how are you?
"Alaska is very cold.
"It is our 49th state.
"Its main exports are fish, energy, and crazy people.
"Miss you bunches.
"XOXO.
Your friend, Tyra."
Isn't she great?
She's all right, Junior; she's all right.
I'm going to go upstairs and try to start puberty.
Uh-oh, I'd better go hide my Niagara Falls pocket pooswa.
It's a change purse, Rallo.
RALLO: Tomato, tomah-to.
And that's how Len Stein settled my copyright lawsuit.
I wish we could invent something else.
I got one.
Last night I thought of something called the Alda-fier,
a handheld device that converts any voice
into that of TV star Alan Alda.
You got to lay off the weed.