♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
♪ And I am proud to be
♪ Right back in my hometown
♪ With my new family
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place
♪ Where everyone will know
♪ My happy mustached face
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
(chuckles)
Ah, Stoolfest. A magical time of year
when hobos and drug addicts are made up as clowns
and put in charge of dangerous rides.
(people screaming)
Huh. "Farmer."
Can you believe that's still a job?
(all laugh)
Yeah! Whoo!
Teacups! AC/DC!
Rather see some D-cups.
Or C-cups.
Hell, I don't even mind B-cups if they're real.
I don't want no nippy little A-cups, though.
Well, we failed to bond, yet again.
I'm gonna go to the arcade.
Here, here's ten bucks.
Enjoy yourself. Don't get kidnapped.
(cell phone rings)
Holler.
Cleve-bro. Holt.
Hey, get over here.
Not going to be able to make it.
What?! You've been talking
about Stoolfest for weeks.
Where are you?
Crosswinds Outlet with my mom.
Sucks.
Holt, can you see through this skirt?
Ugh! Oh, God!
Sounds like you got your hands full.
Look, man, I got to go.
Night Ranger's playing a free concert.
Ranger's there?!
Aw, son of a bitch!
That's it.
We're not going to Van Heusen.
Mom, you know I need shirts.
What's this?
"Hit three shots, win a fish"?
I could use a fish.
(Globetrotter style music plays)
Wha--? Nobody's ever made all three.
I'm on to you.
Over-inflated ball, small rim.
But your tricks can't stop Rallo's game.
Now give me my fish.
Your name is Rockwell.
You are my new best friend.
I love you.
Be out of town tomorrow.
You make me sick.
Rockwell, sit.
Stay here while I fill your new home with water.
Ow! Ow! Stop the fight!
You're going to cause lasting brain damage.
(screams)
(tires screeching)
Junior, no!
(screams)
(gulps)
You drank my fish! You drank my fish!
I warned you not to put things in his eating radius.
Did you chew him?
No, that hypnotist conditioned me
not to chew when I drink anymore.
Well, then maybe he's living inside you.
Like a baby?
Yeah. Except this baby's gonna be born out the back.
I heard that's how Danny Bonaduce was born.
(laughs) Out the butt.
I can't believe I missed Stoolfest
because of my stupid mom.
Ha! You're whipped by your mom.
(imitates whip cracking)
(Cleveland and Lester join in)
(all laughing)
Shut up!
I call the shots in our relationship.
Horse puckey!
Then how come your mom never lets you come to poker night?
It starts at 9:00. That's late.
Holt, maybe it's not my place, but...
you can't live like this.
What the hell am I supposed to do? She's my mom.
You're a big short man.
Man up! Talk to her.
Lay down the law and let her know you're not a boy anymore.
You're right, Cleveland.
I'm a man.
I'm going to tell my mommy
she can't mess with Holt Anne Richter.
(both laughing)
Dutch oven!
Aah! Let me out!
(chuckles) Just kidding.
The Dutch don't cook their food
by trapping farts in a blanket...
I don't think.
I mean, they couldn't possibly do that, could they?
(glass shattering) What's that?
(shouting indistinctly)
It's Holt.
He's all worked up like Ian McKellen
at a high school wrestling match.
Oh, yeah.
I convinced him to set his mom straight.
HOLT: We're done!
(glass shattering) You're not the boss of me!
Oh, my God. Cleveland, come look at this.
Now, how you get a pimple on your thigh?
(sobbing): I'm sorry.
I'll always love you.
(grunting)
Cleveland, he's killing his mother.
(with accent): Oh, that's so crazy.
Let me take a look, huh?
(grunting)
(tires screeching)
Huh. That is odd.
It's more than odd, Cleveland.
It's murder!
LIONEL STANDER: Hart to Hart will return in a moment.
Do you still think Holt murdered his mother,
or are you looking for my breakfast out there?
'Cause it sure ain't in the kitchen.
Joke all you want, but I watch all three CSIs--
Miami, New York and regular--
and I'm telling you, this was an inside job.
What's gotten into you?
I have a desk job, Cleveland.
All I do, every day,
is watch crime shows on Hulu and read mysteries.
That's all anyone with a desk job does.
If it makes you feel better,
I'll go down to the Stool, get shellacked,
and ask Holt if he murdered his mom.
No! Don't just ask him.
Be subtle, like Garrison Keillor.
And then, Mrs. Clarington
called us back from the fishing hole
to offer us a slice of her famous rhubarb cobbler.
(laughter)
I've never hated white people more.
So, anyone do anything interesting last night
from 11:37 to 11:45 p.m.?
Oh, I was just... I was just, uh, wearing a mud mask,
writing down what I'm grateful for.
Listened to A.M. radio and yanked it on the nines.
Nice.
Yeah, I took care of some business myself.
(grunts)
Interesting. (grunts)
I talked to my mom, like you said,
and she went away for a while.
What do you mean, "went away"?
Let's just say you set me straight yesterday.
Made me realize what I needed to do.
And now I'm a free man, thanks to you.
(laughing)
Time to feed our baby.
Open up.
I'm still hungry.
It says you only get one pinch.
I know, but I'm eating for two.
Sold.
(chuckles)
I think I feel him kicking.
(sighs)
I've never seen you look so beautiful, Cleveland Jr.
You're glowing.
(radio static)
Now, don't forget-- you have to get him to confess
and lead you to the body.
We'll follow closely behind.
Holt will be okay in prison, right?
A petite, boyish fitness nut with a crotch-high head?
Oh, yeah, he'll be the most popular guy in there.
He gon' get tore up, isn't he?
Listen, we need to talk.
Holt, I saw everything.
The body, the carpet, the car ride.
What was I supposed to do?
I was desperate.
I know it was wrong.
(crying)
I buried her near the north bank of the river.
Take me there.
In your red Crossfire,
with the "McCain/Palin" sticker on the back window.
(crickets chirping)
She's over here.
I want you to know I'm sorry.
For what?
For this. She's here!
The body's here, over here!
(siren wailing, indistinct yelling)
(guns cocking) What the hell?
(grunting)
Dog pile!
I'm sorry, Holt,
but you have to pay for what you did.
Thou doth be judgeth by he who bringeth ambrosia
to the shores of Galilee, lest ye removeth the plank
from thine eternal Bounty, the quicker picker-upper.
Or Brawny, whose tag line I do notteth remember.
But I do recollecteth a lumberjack on the wrapper.
You're going to jail.
I got something.
No, no, no, no, no, this is bad, this is bad, this is bad.
Wait a sec.
That's not your mom.
It's a sex doll.
Repeat: just a sex doll.
Repeat again: a doll for sex.
So, move on in.
Something to see here, people.
Something to see.
(camera clicks) MAN: T-shirts!
Get your "Holt Richter has sex with dolls" T-shirts!
(groans)
I'm sorry, Holt.
It's not your fault.
I'm going to tell you something right now
that I've never told anybody.
I've never actually had a girlfriend.
Really.
Oh, really?
When I bought Kimmy, it started out as a joke.
You know, a $7,000 joke.
Why'd you bury Kimmy?
I thought about what you said.
I stood up to my mom and sent her on a vacation,
which gave me time to realize
my relationship with Kimmy wasn't healthy.
So we had a good-bye three-way with a beanbag chair,
then I pretended to choke her to death, rolled her in a rug
and gave her a proper burial
in a hastily dug shallow grave down by the river.
That's cool.
Well, that's the last I'll know of love.
Hey, least you had a taste.
Tell you what I'm gonna do, Holt.
First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna find a girl for you.
A live one.
A cute one.
One who could clean herself when you're done.
Unless she had no arms.
I'll try to find you one with arms.
You have my word I'll try to find you one with arms.
So, I figured you could help me find a date for Holt.
I haven't nailed that new chick yet.
Hi. I'm Cleveland.
I'm Jane.
Pleasure.
Are all these cats yours?
I wish. (chuckles nervously)
Neat.
I think the pictures of the cats answer this question,
but are you single?
(sighs)
I'm just trying to learn who I am without a man.
But I think I might be able to do that better with a man.
You know leap year Virgos.
(laughs) Bingo.
Janey, I have a date for you.
(speed dials)
(phone rings, answering machine beeps)
JANE: Hi, guys. It's me.
Sorry to interrupt Guiding Light.
Just wanted to share the good news.
We've got a date.
He's a friend of a friend of a guy I work with and he...
(machine beeps off)
Still nothing?
It's been days, man.
I wish you would have to carry him for just one day
so you would know how it feels.
I'm doing what I can.
You know how many 7-Elevens I had to go to
to find those stupid grape jelly Pop Tarts you were craving?
Oh, so you're saying I'm fat?
(sobbing)
(groans)
I can't say anything.
I'm taking a walk.
I wish you never even swallowed my fish.
(continues sobbing)
I'm glad you swallowed the fish.
I love you.
(grunts softly)
I had chicken pox as an adult.
Almost died. Didn't care.
Knocked out Band of B rotherss in a weekend.
Cool. (chuckles)
Are you sitting in a booster seat?
No. (chuckles)
No-- children sit in booster seats.
This is called The Executive.
Bought it at Sky Mall.
Same one Bono has.
Oh, my God. You like music?
I like music, too.
What's your favorite group?
Beatles. No way.
Me, too.
Have you heard Abbey Road?
Kicks ass.
Bought it today.
You know what?
If you like The Beatles,
you will love this band called Nickelback.
Do you have some?
Only like a whole CD in my car.
Well, let's go.
I haven't seen Holt in a week.
Now, I don't want to sound like a queer or nothing,
but I miss him.
(slurring): I miss him, too.
(laughs) Just teasing.
I think he's fallen in amour.
Thanks to moi.
Cleveland, how many mimosas have you had?
Quatorze sor quinze.
(car door closes) Here they come.
(doorbell rings)
Sorry we were late.
We would have been here on time, but someone's a little jerk.
(chuckles nervously)
Hey, guys, can I take your coats and sunglasses?
I'm fine. Come on, Holt.
Only dip-wads like Jack Nicholson
and the entire rap community wear sunglasses inside.
I said I'm fine. (all gasp)
Holt fell on a pair of binoculars.
Isn't that right, Holt?
I said, isn't that right?!
She's right.
Uh, bird-watching accident.
That's right-- bird-watching accident.
You like watching birds?
You like looking at their little bird weenies?
Yeah, you do, don't you?
You're a weird little bird queer, Holt.
So, Holt,
we're worried that you and Jane
might be having problems.
Problems?
Since when is getting too much hey-nonny-nonny a problem?
(cell phone vibrates)
Jane's texting me.
I've got 30 seconds to call her back, or else I get hit--
uh, with evening rates.
I'll tell you something.
You could travel all the way to Egypt
and you wouldn't see "de-Nile" like that.
Shut the (bleep) up, Tim.
I got Holt into this mess, and I'm gonna get him out of it.
I'm gonna go tell Jane to...
(imitating Tony Montana): Say good-bye to my little friend.
God, black guys love Scarface.
They can-- they cannot stop talking about it.
(doorbell rings)
Hi, Cleveland.
What are you doing here?
Now, you listen here.
You're not gonna lay another finger on Holt.
In fact, you're gonna call him and tell him it's over.
Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.
Let's talk more about this.
But first, I'd like to give you a sandwich.
Really? Well, I am a little peckish.
Wait a minute, is this gonna be a knuckle sand...?
(grunts) How about a little
Hawaiian Punch to wash it down with?
Why, I am a little parched. Wait a min...
(Cleveland grunts)
So, how did it go?
Did she agree to stay away from Holt?
Does it look like it, Boo-Boo?
And I couldn't even hit her back 'cause she's a girl.
I'll handle this.
You tell her she still owes me
a sandwich and a glass of Hawaiian Punch!
(doorbell rings)
Hi, Jane.
You know, according to Ecclesiastes 12:16...
(grunts) Ow! My snout!
(doorbell rings, Jane grunts)
(doorbell rings) Not in the face!
(both grunt) Not the nads!
(both grunting)
And those are just several of the rumors about David Geffen.
(pager beeps)
Oh, God! This is it!
This is really happening!
(grunts)
How close are you? I'm crowning.
Okay, remember your breathing.
(shallow panting)
Turn that off.
I look awful.
I'm not wearing any makeup.
All right. You want an Anacin?
No, I want to do it all natural.
All right, push, push.
(straining)
Just give me the damn Anacin!
You don't need it!
I do!
One more push.
Big one.
(grunting)
(straining)
(groans)
(sobbing)
You did it, Junior.
We did it, Rallo.
Now, let's have a look at our little guy.
Oh, boy.
Did he make it?
Uh, this is unclear.
That's an awful mess.
Yes, it is.
Looks like something you'd eat if you lived in Louisiana.
Yes, it does.
May I?
You may.
(toilet flushes)
I hate that it turned out this way.
I'm glad we went through this together.
Uh-oh!
Here comes the afterbirth!
(screaming)
(knocking on door)
Hi, Cleveland, sorry about before.
(laughs) Hope you're okay.
But, then again, you kind of made me do it.
Anyway, I'm going to have to borrow Holt from you guys.
(inhales deeply)
No.
I'm sorry? I said no.
Not going with you.
Won't back down.
Petty. Heartbreakers. Full Moon Fever.
Holt, I'm going to count to three,
and if we're not heading out the door for tapas and Mojitos,
then I am going to get a little bit upset.
My curios!
Let's go.
(groans)
What the hell is going on down there?
Sweet corn in the morning!
What happened to you guys?
(all groaning)
It was...
(clears throat)
We tried to get her to stop hitting Holt,
and she beat the respective craps out of us.
She beat up all of you?
Well, what were we supposed to do?
We can't hit a girl.
Well, I understand.
I'd never hit a girl, either.
But I will smack the white off a bitch!
(grunts) Nobody hurts my man.
(grunts)
Oh!
My knickknacks!
(grunts)
Hope you like Law & Order.
(grunts)
♪ I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation ♪
You really should spring for, for the cordless.
(grunting)
♪ A girl can do what she wants to do ♪
♪ And that's what I'm gonna do ♪
(Donna yelling)
(grunts)
(both grunting)
♪ I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation ♪
(screaming)
CROWD (chanting): Donna! Donna! Donna!
Spin her by the boobs again!
(grunts)
Eh! Mulch! Mulch!
(groaning)
You're weak, just like your man.
(growling)
That is for my Tim.
KENDRA: And this is for my Lester...!
(thud echoing)
And don't you ever come back.
I'm going back to J-date,
where people get me.
Oh, Donna, you were magnificent.
Yeah.
I'm gonna shave my legs tonight.
HOLT: Thanks, ladies.
Must be nice having a special woman in your life.
'Sup?
There's a certain young lady who wants to see you.
Done with women.
Working on myself.
Come on, you knucklehead.
Hope you weren't planning
on getting any reading done tonight.
Kimmy! But how?
I bought her at a police auction for 18 bucks.
She cost seven grand!
Yeah, I reckon they're not worth as much used.
♪ Love lift us up where we belong ♪
♪ Where the eagles cry
♪ On a mountain high
♪ Love lift us up where we belong... ♪
The heart settles for what the heart can get.
♪ Where the clear winds blow