(Cleveland Narrating text)
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
♪ And I am proud to be
♪ Right back in my hometown
♪ With my new family
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place
♪ Where everyone will know
♪ My happy mustached face
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
(chuckles)
Hey, Mama,
look at this trick I learned
by watching Criss Angel.
Wow. Mama, make me
another breakfast.
Rallo, I'm busy cleaning the pots and pans Cleveland left
when he came home drunk and made pork and beans.
(yawns)
(sniffs, groans)
(belching): What?
You have been a total slob lately.
That's...
(belching): ...what.
That's the whole point of getting married.
You can let yourself go completely--
well, the husband, anyway.
Cleveland, it's only been three months.
I thought you'd wait at least a year
before you started stinking up the joint
like Philip Seymour Hoffman.
I have an Oscar.
(cat litter rattling)
Hey, sounds like it might be time
for a little, uh, second honeymoon.
Wh-Where did you two go the first time?
I never got around to booking it.
No honeymoon?
Have you ice in your veins?
I knew he didn't.
What? We've been here
literally every night since his wedding.
The truth is, I don't even know where to take Donna.
Lester, where's your favorite place for romance?
Ho-ho-kay, Lester.
Thank you for sharing.
Hey, y-you, you want a sexy trip,
d-do what Arianna and I did.
Hit up the Holy Land-- Israel--
that is, eh, if it, uh, still exists
at the time I'm saying this.
Hot Brown, I coached you in baseball,
and now I got to coach you in love.
The most romantic place on Earth is right here in the USA.
I'm talking about New York City.
It's where I found love for the first time,
and it left a giant, gaping hole... in my heart.
I had a dream of playing for the Yanks.
Wound up slinging hash at the Carnegie Deli.
I was young, dumb,
and full of Tums.
And then I met a gal, an actress just starting out,
a burly angel who knew how to put away the corned beef.
Her name was Tyne Daly.
That's right, the Tyne Daly .
It was magical,
but I never got the chance to tell her I loved her.
I still dream of her every night.
Always the same thing-- me, her, and Whitey Ford
getting it on right in the middle of Tad's Steaks.
Don't let love slip away, Hot Brown.
Hello, Mom?
Who's Tyne Daly?
No, no?
Okay, well, th-then put Grandma on.
(shouting): Grandma, who is Tyne Daly?!
(in deep voice): You're coming with me.
(screams)
That is it. Prepare to...
(in normal voice): Honeymoon!
(laughs)
Cleveland?
You scared the Shia LaBeouf out of me.
What do you mean, "honeymoon"?
Does this answer your query?
(horn playing melody)
Krinklesac Discount Limousine and Animal Carcass Removal
at your disposal, ma'am.
Next stop, New York City!
New York City?
We've got to pack our...
But the kids...
I have obtained the services
of Stoolbend's finest sitter.
(snoring)
Sweet dreams, Mr. Kimple.
Should I draw a penis on his face?
You pretty much have to in this situation.
Oh, Cleveland, this is the most romantic ending
to a fake rape attempt ever.
McFALL (spits): Pardon my chaw, madam.
Coach McFall?!
Is coming with us to rekindle his love
with Tyne Daly.
(groans)
Fine, he can ride with us,
but I don't want this spiraling
into further misadventures.
Aah, a bear.
Better let him do whatever he wants.
Hell, why not get the whole freak show together
and invite your little hobbit friend, too?
Hey, that's offensive.
I'm small-boned, except for one.
Yeah, this chick's laughing.
(sighs)
When I get to New York, I'm going to get discovered.
Yeah, you could do a little commercial work,
have a short run off Broadway.
Then you decide to act as your own agent,
end up negotiating a terrible deal for yourself
'cause you're not smart.
Next thing you know, you're teaching theater arts
at a community college in the middle of nowhere.
Most people will think you're weird,
but your cats will know better.
Geez, Rallo, what's wrong with you, man?
Don't blame me, it's the business.
Guys, look what I found in Donna's purse.
A tampon.
(laughs)
I'm just playing, baby.
The mysterious things a woman's body does
are very natural.
(sighs)
There it is: New York City.
It's just like I imagined it.
Well, first thing tomorrow,
it's off to harpoon Tyne Daly.
You stud.
Can I help you?
I'm Roberta Tubbs, guest of The Maury Povich Show,
so I'll be staying here for free.
(typing)
Uh, your name's not on the list.
How do I know you're telling the truth?
One of them's my baby daddy.
And if it turns out it ain't me, I'm gonna be all...
(laughing maniacally)
Here's your room key, $75 per diem, affidavit
and a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
PBR!
I hope it keeps for 16 years.
I want to see the most romantic spots in the city.
I marked them all in this guidebook.
Regis Philbin's Erotic New York.
Oh, Donna, I feel like we're in a Woody Allen movie,
except I've laughed a few times in the last hour.
Hey, Clevela... oh, sorry.
I thought you was someone else.
That's all right.
Oh, wait, there's Cleveland.
Hey, Cleveland!
Oh, m-my bad.
Oh, there he is.
Cleveland!
Damn, there are so many of you people here.
What you mean, "you people"?
You know, you're all a bunch of...
(♪ Family Guy theme plays )
Aw, I miss you, too, Arianna.
New York is not so bad.
Y-You can poop pretty much anywhere.
No one even looks at you.
One guy even gave me a quarter.
Whoa, hold the presses.
Arianna, there's a bar here with a sign
that says "Bears Welcome."
Yeah, I know.
Oh, well, here we go.
Bear walks into a bar, right?
(chuckling): Okay, I'll talk to you later.
♪
(gasps)
You the president of MTV?
Word up, dawgs.
Well, I'm Roberta Tubbs,
and I came all the way from Stoolbend, Virginia,
to pitch you a reality show called Roberta Rules.
I'm a vapid teenager with no talents,
no discernible personality,
and no ambition other than to be famous.
Intrigued. You?
I'm a tough-talking street kid with a passion for the violin.
Love. Love.
How about fatty?
I'm just a stone-cold (bleep) machine.
We begin shooting tomorrow.
Congratulations, Kellie.
Roberta.
Not anymore.
Taxi!
(phone rings)
I love New York. Hello.
Listen, y-you got to get me out of this bear bar
before I really get into the, uh, the down and the dirty.
Donna, I have to go to a gay bar with Tim.
No time to explain anything else whatsoever.
Cleveland, this is exactly what I was worried about.
Don't get involved in your friends' shenanigans.
Tim's more than a friend.
I'll meet you at the Empire State Building in one hour.
Driver, take me to New York's gay bar.
He's not interested.
Oh?
Then maybe he shouldn't come into a gay bar
without wearing pants.
Cartoon bears never wear pants.
CLEVELAND: Donna.
You'd better be calling
to tell me you're standing behind me.
I'm walking out of Tiffany's.
I just bought you a ring.
Oh, no, someone just stole it!
But I'm on my way.
(phone beeps) Hold up, I'm beeping.
Hello, I'm in New York.
Cleve? Lester.
It seems the good people of Harlem are upset
by me using that word you call Rallo all the time.
Help!
(sighs) (phone beeps)
Donna, hey! Cleveland.
I'll meet you at the next spot.
This is my honeymoon,
and if you don't start showing me some romance,
I will take you off my health insurance.
You wouldn't. Oh, I would.
Rallo's uninsured, and I sleep like a baby at night.
(phone beeps)
(crowd clamoring) MAN: Yeah, we gonna take you down, man.
Stop!
You know the rule.
If he has one black friend,
he's allowed one free pass on the N-word.
Oh, man. Yeah, that's true.
That is the rule.
Thanks, Cleveland.
Wait, you're not... (phone rings)
Hmm. I'm gonna answer my phone.
Hello?
(thudding) C-Bro, Donald Trump offered me a job.
Step right up.
Poke the freaky little robot man for only five dollars.
I'll be right there.
No time to call Donna.
I'll just text her.
D-M-N-O-M-N-M-N-A.
That was an easy one.
Period, exclamation point, question mark.
How do you make a comma on this thing?
You know what?
I'm not gonna use a comma.
There's no time!
Thanks again for stabbing Trump, bro.
No one will care.
Cleveland!
I didn't think I'd be seeing you on our honeymoon.
Babe, I could go through a whole flowery speech,
and you could reluctantly forgive me.
Or we could just admit that you have your price.
In this case,
tickets to the hottest show on Broadway tonight!
It's a play.
They're like movies, but gayer and smaller
and more expensive and worse.
♪
Little known fact:
we shot the Cagney & Lacey pilot as an all-girl porn film.
I told them to take out the crotch shots
and play up the cop angle.
Boom! Eight seasons.
(audience laughing)
That was the greatest spectacle
I have ever seen in my entire life.
(grunts) Tyne ahoy!
(camera shutters clicking)
No. Mr. Gooding Jr. and I
are simply dear, dear friends.
(gasps) Charles?
Tyne.
(clears throat)
Kind of leaves you speechless, huh, Ms. Daly?
Seeing someone you shared so much with
after all these years.
"Shared"? 40 years ago, I hired this man
to assemble a Soloflex machine
and hang a punching bag in my living room.
Two nights later, I woke up to find him
wearing my jock and watching me sleep.
He is not to come within 50 yards of me!
Coach, is that true?
Rings a bell.
Rex!
(barking) Rex Reed!
(hissing) Get him!
(barking and yowling)
(camera shutters clicking) Oh, Ms. Daly!
Ms. Daly, wait! Ms. Daly!
(tires squealing)
Cleveland, I didn't complain
when you brought your stupid friends on our honeymoon.
I didn't complain when you stood me up all day long.
And I didn't complain when you took me to a four-hour,
one-woman show set in a steam room.
Well, and I don't want to upset you here,
but technically, you complained the entire time.
But go ahead.
That's a very good point, Cleveland.
I should stop complaining
and enjoy the rest of my time in New York.
Good girl!
Without you!
Good-bye, Cleveland.
I can't let her go.
Taxi!
Follow that cab.
(sitar music playing)
And turn up that awesome music.
♪
So, tell me, Mr. De Niro,
why do they call you the "chocolate rainmaker"?
(humming)
What are you doing with my wife,
great actor and bad actor, Robert De Niro?
Hey, I'm sorry! I didn't know.
You mind if I slip her the capicola?
You get out of here!
(goosing) (gasps)
Donna, I'm sorry about ruining the trip.
Can we please spend the little time
we've got left here together?
No.
Spend it with your boyfriends.
Mo'hattan!
McFALL: For Pete's sake, enough!
It's my fault.
I've been a selfish, love-struck fool.
I caused you both pain.
Donna, if you won't accept my apology,
I hope you'll accept this.
Oh, for the love of...
an Arby's big beef and cheddar melt?
This is the problem.
This is not a gift a woman wants.
And if you want to win over a Tyne Daly,
we need to get you clothes without pit stains.
"We"? I'm still mad at you, Cleveland.
I'm only helping McFall 'cause it's obvious from this weekend
that you have no idea how to treat a woman.
And there's only so much pathetic I can take.
Thank you. Well, then.
I think it's time for a makeover!
WOMEN: Makeover?!
♪
CLEVELAND: Carrie! Miranda!
Charlotte! Samantha!
Burn...!
(all screaming)
♪
'Sup, homies?
We're here for our first day of shooting.
Shooting...?
My reality show, Roberta Rules,
which we pitched to you yesterday.
Oh, right! (chuckles)
While you guys were pitching your reality show,
you were actually being taped for our new prank show,
So You Think You're Pitching A Reality Show,
But You're Actually Being Taped For A Prank Show!
Ugh, this is so uncool!
But at least I'm still going to be on TV!
You were. Last night. It already aired.
Literally no one watched.
What?! I mean, why not?
Nobody's watching TV.
Nobody.
(whispering): Nobody.
♪
Oh, and I want to thank Lorne and the cast.
Thanks to my musical guests, Don Henley and Lil Wayne.
Oh, and-and please tune in to Lifetime tomorrow night
for the premiere of my new movie,
Tackle My Heart: The Dick Butkus Story.
Good night, everybody!
(cheering, applause)
Boy, I can't believe
security is so lax on this show
that we could just wander in here like this.
What if one of us was a creepy stalker?
Coach, she's lumbering offstage.
Go!
(screams) I'm sorry.
I'm bad with entrances.
Tyne, I just need a time of your moment--
a-a moment of your Tyne--
Ah, damn me for a stink-kissing monkey, I'm blowing it!
Jason Sudeikis! Oh, thank God.
Can you help me get rid of this weirdo?
Who, me?!
No, I don't like fighting.
Get Will Forte to help you.
No way! I'm not getting involved.
I'm fixing to have a picnic.
A picnic? (scoffs)
Thanks for inviting me.
Who do you think I was fixing it for?
(both giggling)
(typing)
Donna, you're a woman.
You can type, right?
85 words a minute.
Take down everything I say.
(cracks knuckles)
Tyne, I've done you wrong.
"Tyne, I've done you wrong."
I've been hurtful.
I see that now.
"I've been hurtful.
I see that now."
Go ahead.
I don't expect you to forgive me.
But no matter how you feel, I want you to know,
I think you're wonderful.
"And I've thought so for a long, long time.
"All those years we were apart,
when all I had was the memory of you."
The way you smiled.
The way you laughed.
The way you mixed up your ketchup and your tartar sauce
when they had fish sticks in the cafeteria,
which was actually pretty gross,
but not when you did it.
You remember that from high school?
I remember everything.
"The way you mixed your ketchup and your tartar sauce
when you..." Wait, what?!
No, no, you're right!
I also eat Neapolitan ice cream,
and mix it with leaves and stir it until it turns brown.
It started as my Emmy night cleanse,
and after six wins, I couldn't stop.
How'd you know?
I know everything about you.
Ask me any question, no matter how obscure.
Which one was I, Cagney or Lacey?
Lacey.
(gasps) No one gets that right!
I'm sorry.
Have one dinner with me.
That's all I'm asking.
"I'm sorry.
"Have one dinner with me.
That's all I'm asking."
Donna, stop typing.
I'm sorry I ruined our honeymoon,
and I'm asking you to have dinner with me.
Yes, Cleveland.
Yes, Charles.
(keys clicking)
"Hieivbve Vbelqvbie Fbieqpivf."
And you speak in tongues? Me, too!
As an actress, I'll do anything that sounds stupid.
(speaking gibberish)
(spouting gibberish)
Well, you two look, uh, honeymoony.
Let's just say, I've realized
you all need Cleveland just like I need him.
And the fact that he's always there for all of us
is why I love him.
Everybody loves Cleveland!
Let's go! Now!
Where's Tyne?
I made her angry.
You wouldn't like her when she's angry.
(thunderous footfalls) Go! Go! Go!
(panting)
Oh, (bleep)!