♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
♪ And I am proud to be
♪ Right back in my hometown
♪ With my new family
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place
♪ Where everyone will know
♪ My happy mustached face
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
(chuckles)
See you tomorrow, Rallo.
Looking good, Rallo.
Nice ass!
So, Rallo, who you gonna be
rubbing up on at the school carnival?
Fool, please.
I'm too cool for pre-school.
I need a real woman.
There ain't a girl in our class with more than an A-cup.
Heck, there ain't a girl in our class
with more than a sippy cup.
(laughter)
What are you doing?
I was practicing what I'd do if I was on fire.
- A'ight. - (sighs)
Rallo, I was robbed today at school.
A girl stole my heart.
Her name is Chanel.
Did you make your move?
She's out of my league.
So instead of making a move,
I'm going to stuff my feelings down deep so they can come out
in interesting and surprising ways years later.
Hey, Too-cool-for-preschool,
how 'bout getting him hooked up with that girl
he's all loco in the coco about?
Bring it on.
How hot can she be anyway?
Probably somewhere between a young Bea Arthur
and a present-day Bea Arthur.
BEA ARTHUR: God will get you for that, Rallo.
(audience laughter)
(applause)
(sitcom theme song playing)
You're late!
We're the cable guys; we're always late.
(laughs)
That's not true. We try.
Hey, everyone!
The cable guys are here!
(hooting and hollering)
Take it off!
Come again? Come on!
(upbeat techno music playing)
WOMAN: Ooh, I love your hair!
Man, they think we're strippers.
Good thing I'm wearing my breakaway pants!
(screams)
That shirt is the property of Waterman Cable!
Come on man, loosen up!
(women hooting and whooping)
Let me see what you're working with!
Let me see your ass!
I guess there's no harm
in showing a little helmet.
Here it is!
Look, it's the Redskins!
(laughs)
Take your pants off!
Oh... (nervous chuckle)
(making siren noises)
(women whooping, cheering)
$435!
Terry, do you realize if we did
four bachelorette parties a day,
we'd be clearing more than $450,000 a year?!
And if we spend it all at Bed, Bath & Beyond,
saving 20% from the gross,
that's, like, $562,500!
Sheets! Candles!
Bath mats! Small appliances!
We'll be swimming in them!
Oh, Terry, we have got to make this happen!
A couple of those chicks did ask for our number.
As long as your wife is cool with it.
Donna!
You're right.
This is exactly the sort of thing wives don't like.
Wait, I'll make up a lie.
But what if she finds out I'm lying?
I'll just tell her I wasn't lying.
(laughs)
Today is your lucky day, Cleveland Jr.
Yay! Why?
I've decided to help you on your quest for love.
So I'm gonna give you some of Rallo's Rules.
First, you got to stand out.
Decorate your body to attract a mate.
Here.
Wow!
It only hurt for a second!
Second, find a way to initiate physical contact.
Here's one of my classics.
Hey, little lady.
What if I told you that you could draw a turkey
using nothing but your hand?
(Cleveland Jr. giggles)
I've never been turkey-fingered before.
Third, smile.
Think of something that makes you happy.
What are you thinking about?
Anderson Cooper with curly hair.
(giggles)
All right, don't say out loud what you're thinking.
♪ As I walked out
♪ On the streets of Lare--
Oh, hey, there's our cable truck.
(dance music playing inside)
All right! My jam!
(women cheering)
Terry!
You really are a stripper.
A stripper of a friend's trust.
(groans)
(school bell rings)
All right, now put this in your ear,
and I'm gonna feed you lines.
Hasn't this bit been done to death?
Yeah, you're right.
You got this.
Go make me proud.
(quiet, indistinct chatter)
All right.
Now show her the tattoo.
(quiet chatter continues)
(laughs)
Talk to me.
She said yes!
She's coming over to the house
to study geometry with me tomorrow.
Ha, ha! There he goes!
Look what Big Round Brown did.
Here she comes!
♪
See you tomorrow, Cleveland Jr.
She will be mine.
O... bama!
Hey, man, what's going on?
I'm confronting you.
About betraying me.
My friends think I'm strong enough to do this.
And I believe them.
Ah, man.
I'm sorry, Cleveland.
I didn't want to hurt your feelings,
but the women who called specifically requested
that you not come.
What?!
You must have misinterpreted them.
They said, "Please do not bring the portly black gentleman."
One woman was particularly repulsed by your stretch marks.
I have a child!
Hey, wait, wait, wait!
Cleveland, you can be my manager!
Book gigs, handle the money.
I mean, you're decent with numbers,
and-and I don't know any Jewish people.
Tell you what, I get 20%, and it's a deal.
Hell, you can have 30%!
Wow, you really don't know any Jewish people, do you?
Oh, this is so hard.
I don't know how to find the secant of a triangle.
Well, then hold on a secant.
(long, nervous laugh)
(identical long, nervous giggle)
(both laughing)
Hey, is that Chanel Williams
chopping it up with my steppity-bro?
I think you mean step-brizzle.
(awkward laugh)
(awkward laughter)
(all laughing goofily)
There's been a gas leak!
(laughing continues)
Leave the batteries
in your carbon monoxide detector from now on.
When your wife says she'll use it in front of you,
you find some batteries.
(both share a knowing chuckle)
Yo, check it.
Big Fed's about to bless y'all with two VIP passes
to the release party for my new CD, Fireman Killer.
But aren't firemen heroes?
(scoffs) To who?
Wastin' water, blastin' they sirens,
ridin' around with them Dalmatian-ass dogs.
Blap!
Was he that dumb before the gas leak?
He's just trying to find his way like everybody else.
You're sweet.
RALLO: Well, what do we have here?
(mellow rock)
I didn't know we had a guest,
much less such a beautiful young lady.
What are you guys working on, math?
Oh, a number six.
Yeah, I know how to make one of those.
In fact, Chanel, I even know how to draw a turkey
using nothing but your lovely hand.
We could do it in my room.
You are just too cute!
Huh?
(baby talk): Does somebody want a airplane ride?
Whoosh! Whoosh!
Put me down! Put me down!
Whoosh! Whee! Put me...
Here we go! Whee!
(laughs): Oh, I'm a plane!
You are! Yes, you are! Wait a minute, put me down.
(grunts)
Sorry he's so cranky.
He was up till 7:15 last night.
Oh, thanks.
Anybody else want to take a shot?
Rallo, are you bothering the big kids?
Come here, I need to give you your diarrhea medicine.
(both laugh)
You are in for a world of hurt, buffalo butt.
What did you call me?!
No, not you, Mom-- (screams)
Hey, Junior, glad to hear that first date went well.
Now I want to give you Rallo's Rules for a second date.
(evil chuckle)
(echoing evil chuckle innocently)
Thanks!
Okay, listen up.
Always be on your phone.
It makes you look important.
Talking, texting, doesn't matter.
But what if she has something she wants to talk to me about?
Then you let out a long exhale,
roll your eyes and say, "What?"
And if there's a problem, you try to solve it immediately.
Don't even wait to hear the whole problem.
And then look back at your phone, point to it and say,
"Ha, ha, this guy's hilarious."
Be on your phone, never listen,
"this guy's hilarious."
Thanks, Rallo!
You're welcome.
(sinister laugh)
DONNA (in distance): Rallo, it's time to take a pee-pee!
I wish so much I didn't have to take a pee-pee right now.
(grumbling)
Come on out of there.
Come on out of there, lost hair.
I'm gonna scratch a little hole in the skin
so you can find your way out.
Stretch on out instead of being all curled and bunched.
Hey, what took you so long?
We're going to be late for your next gig.
Hey, there's $200 here.
Big tippers, huh?
Nah, no tips.
Just, you know, a hundred for the stripping
and a hundred for the sex.
What now?
It turns out that they kind of expect
the "deluxe package," if you know what I mean.
Wait.
I'm organizing and scheduling sexual acts
and then collecting a portion of the profits?
Yep. Terry,
that makes you a prostitute!
And that makes me... a pimp!
(giggles)
I'm a pimp!
Oh, I'm gonna go buy a pimp hat and a pimp suit,
some pimp shoes, maybe a pimp scarf...
Pimp socks?
No one's gonna see my damn socks, you slut.
(both laughing)
Hey, you're not paid to laugh.
Get out there and make my money, trick!
Okay, that one hurt a little.
I'm sorry, I'm just so excited
to be a (high-pitched): pimp!
(chuckles)
This is gonna be good, fellas.
One sec, Chanel.
I'm just reading a text from my dad.
This guy's hilarious.
(chuckles) Here we go. Here we go.
I'm gonna write him back because I'm very important to him.
No, but I love my dad.
Aw, that's cute.
I didn't tell him to say that.
(giggling)
KENNY: Chanel?
Kenny?
That's Kenny West.
Who's that?
Stoolbend's most famous rapper.
You'd know that if you read my blog,
"Out and About with Julius."
Who are you?
Her boyfriend.
You'd know that if you read "Out and About with Julius."
Not exactly. We broke up.
I gotta get to a phone!
Chanel, what are you doing with this water balloon?
This is Cleveland Jr.
He's sweet and thoughtful,
and he doesn't make me wait around all day while he's off
buying sunglasses with his posse.
Cleveland Jr.?
There ain't nothing junior about this guy.
(laughing)
Crash and burn, Junior.
This worked out even better than I planned.
Who is this Chia dwarf?
What'd you just call me?
You get that tattoo from a Cracker Jack box?
Yeah. Why?
(laughing)
Tell me, little man.
How the hell do you support that big-ass afro
with that tiny-ass neck?
You're like a Questlove bobblehead.
Come on, Chanel. We need to talk.
Sorry, Junior.
Chanel, wait!
Sometimes I even kiss
my dad on the lips!
(laughing)
Man, Kenny West made us both look like punks.
Oh, well. I guess we need to pray for the courage
to accept the things we cannot change.
Man, shut up!
We gotta get revenge.
And we are gonna get you that girl back
at Federline's party tonight.
Yaaaaayyyyy...!
I'm just gonna...
...aaaaayyyy!
(whistling tune)
Cleveland, where did you get that huge wad of cash?
Can't a man sneak into his house in the middle of the night
with a huge wad of unexplained cash
without being nagged by his wife?
Shoot.
Well, Yvette told me a friend of hers
received one of Terry's special installations.
Also, I found this next to the bathroom sink.
Well, what are you doing looking next to the bathroom sink?
You're pimping Terry.
Ain't nothin' but somethin' to do.
Cleveland, it's a crime!
What?!
Crimes have victims, Donna.
There are no victims here.
Prostitutes are the victims.
Terry is the victim.
Ha! I'm Terry.
"Oh, no, I have to have sex, which feels really good.
"Oh, it's worse, I have to have sex for cash money
"that I can buy things with.
"Oh, and I can't stay the night and hold in farts
"while I listen to story after story about your funny coworker.
(crying): Oh, oh, make it stop!"
You're an idiot.
Can you believe she said that?
You, a victim.
(laughs) As if.
(laughs)
I know, I know.
Although sometimes I can't help thinking that man wasn't meant
to do it more than six times a day.
And now that you mention it,
you know what else I found out about myself?
I don't like to be strangled.
Hell, it's scary.
You black out.
You wake up in a different place,
your face in a different headboard.
(laughs, sighs)
And that's just the physical pain.
I never thought I'd hear myself say this:
I don't want to be a prostitute.
Well, at least I get to hang on to these.
Hey, you got the pimp socks!
I did.
Thanks for the fun, Terry.
You were my best bitch.
And you were a cold, cold pimp.
CLEVELAND: Sorry about all those men I set you up with.
(lively music and chatter)
Yo, what's poppin', y'all?
I want to thank everyone for coming
to the official release party of Fireman Killer.
Firemen's been getting a free pass for too long.
(clapping)
May-may we say a few words?
Dag, Pops.
Why you always gotta blow up my spot?
We're not blowing up anyone's spot. (sighs)
Hello, I'm Gabriel's father, Professor Friedman.
And I'm Gabriel's mother, also Professor Friedman.
(both laughing)
Please be mindful of the new carpet.
Enjoy!
She's here.
All right, now get over there
and tell her how you feel.
Chanel, there's something I want to tell you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I can't believe you're showing your face around here,
especially talking to my girl like that.
I should mess you up right now.
But instead, I'm gonna take you down with my lyrics.
Federstein, lay down a beat.
(hip-hop beat playing)
♪ It's Kenny sippin' Henny, rhymes slicker than Teflon ♪
♪ At Stoolbend High, I'm the black Zac Efron ♪
♪ And when I meet a shorty, you know we're goin' bedwards ♪
♪ Pullin' more tail than my man, John Edwards ♪
♪ Lumpy, chunky, booger-eatin' chump be ♪
♪ Actin' out of place, like Hootie singin' country ♪
♪ Leave my girl alone and get your own tenderoni ♪
♪ Come on, who are we kidding? You're used to being lonely. ♪
(cheering)
I need to say something here.
(feedback whine)
(taps mic, feedback) H-Hello?
Can you hear me?
♪ A, B, C, D
♪ E, F, G (snickering)
♪ Someone shoulda told you not to (bleep) with me. ♪
(quiet murmurs, hip-hop beat resumes)
♪ You think you can rhyme?
♪ Man, your flow is amateur
♪ I'm a nerd, I can smoke you in iambic pentameter ♪
♪ Mess with me? Homeboy, don't want to risk it ♪
♪ I'll burn you like Mrs. Friedman's god-awful brisket. ♪
Well, that was uncalled for.
(cheering) Yeah, how you like me now, bitch?
(music continues)
♪ Fall back, big boy, 'cause you're steppin' to the best ♪
♪ Kenny West-- Test, test, test ♪
♪ Yo, is this thing on?
♪ Krato-bah-hictock
♪ Yeah, I just dissed you in Klingon. ♪
♪ Nucdoch-perrotta-- yeah, I speak Klingon, too ♪
♪ So kiss my chock-naguntah and also hachh you ♪
(cheering)
♪ Your flow is faded and dated, deflated and constipated ♪
♪ If I had to rate it? Hate it; translated: you ate it ♪
♪ Hey, cheeseball, you been grated ♪
♪ Chewed up, swallowed, and defecated ♪
♪ Ha, to restate it
♪ On the DVD, this won't be pixilated. ♪
Dang, he got him! That's my brother.
♪ All right, all right, I know, you think you're so hot ♪
♪ Question is...
(Auto-Tune effect): ♪ Can you sing like a robot?
(Auto-Tune effect): ♪ Yes, I can sing like a robot. ♪
♪ Now, y'all just witnessed history in the makin' ♪
♪ Greatest combination since eggs and bacon ♪
♪ Kenny West and Cleveland Jr. Brown ♪
♪ Now, let's get up... ♪
BOTH: ♪ And burn this mother down.
(cheering wildly)
(punching)
(panicked screaming)
Saul, call the fire department!
(dialing) No!
Don't y'all see?
That's just what they want y'all to...
(dialing)
(groans)
(siren wailing)
Dag, girl, my whole world is upside down.
They are heroes.
Not like those Coast Guard punks,
with they tuggin'-ass boats.
You got another CD in you, boo.
(chiming tones)
(sizzling)
What do you know? It works.
Hey, Junior. Man, I'm sorry I laid into you so hard.
It was just kind of tough seeing you with my baby mama.
Baby mama?
Yes.
Kenny and I have a child together.
Meet Kandace.
(sputtering): Wa, wa, wa, wa, wow!
You two are a mommy and daddy?
Kenny, don't tell me my new-friend-slash-hype-man
is a deadbeat dad?
Nah, I ain't no deadbeat dad.
I'm taking Kandace to school, I'm putting her to bed at night,
I'm running around town trying to sell bone-density machines.
Do you know how hard it is
to sell a bone-density machine in this economy?
How hard is it?
It's hard.
Oh.
I thought you were trying to set up a joke.
The point is, this child needs a family.
And this is a good man.
And who knows-- someday he might even make it
as the self-described voice of his generation.
Thanks, man.
Hey, I want you to have something.
Nah, they look good on you.
What if I told you that you could draw a turkey
with nothing but your hand?