♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
♪ And I am proud to be
♪ Right back in my hometown
♪ With my new family
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place
♪ Where everyone will know
♪ My happy mustached face
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
(chuckles)
Hi, I'm Slim Biggins, owner and operator
of the Bigg Nugget Riverboat Casino,
which arrives in Stoolbend, Virginia today.
Do you like cash, whores and extra oxygen?
Ha! Are you human?
Then come on down to the Bigg Nugget, where you could
double, triple, quadruple your money.
"Five-times-ify" your money supply.
I'll see you at the Bigg Nugget,
where the fun is...
explosive!
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Donna, thank God you're here!
(groaning)
Cleveland, what is wrong with you?
I've got the fever.
Gambling fever!
And you know how to guard against the flu,
they inject you with a little bit of the flu?
Well, in much the same way,
the only cure for gambling fever
is a little bit of gambling!
Riverboat gambling!
Cleveland, I've seen that ad,
and I do not want you going to a casino.
Casinos ruined my Aunt Betty's life.
That's 'cause Uncle Reggie kept winning
and winning and winning,
until he realized he did not have to be married
to a fat nag anymore, so he left her
for a smokin' hot cocktail waitress with perfect breasts.
Donna, what you consider a cautionary tale,
to this listener, promises a second chapter
for a life that's had too few pleasures.
Look, fool, if you really have the gambling bug,
I've got just the cure for you.
Hmm, I know two sixes are pretty good.
(groaning)
Cleveland, let's say you had two sixes.
Would that be higher or lower
than the cards you currently have?
Higher. Then I'm all in. 60 cents.
A pair of sixes.
Ha-ha! Pair of jacks!
Suck it! (gasps)
It is you who will suck
from the tit of the Devil for lying.
Pump your brakes! Full house!
Four dollars and 38 cents.
Hey, now you're toilet paper rich.
This goes straight into Roberta's college fund.
What do you got in there
so far-- 14, 15 bucks?
$2,412.
Damn!
I know where this is going.
He's going to gamble the money away at the riverboat.
Why are we watching this if we know what's going to happen?
I know you're going to knock the bong over every night,
but I still invite you over.
You're right.
Whoa, dude, we're on TV! Whoa!
Hey! Hi, Mom!
Yes! Hi! Um...
Hi, Aunt Carol! Hi! Hey, everybody!
He's bluffing.
(cell phone beeps)
Uh, Donna, how we doing on grapes?
We low? I'm gonna make a grape run.
Oh, okay. Bye!
(door opens, shuts)
What are you guys doing here?
We're going down to the Bigg Nugget.
And you're coming with us.
Sorry, guys. Donna doesn't want me to go.
But, we, we got you this new plum-colored Lou Bega suit.
Mm, that is sharp.
And plum is my color.
Come on. I'll drive.
We'll take Apollonia.
But go slow. This is the first time
she's had four guys inside her at once.
You know what? I'm in!
Let's go! Yeah!
Yee-haw! Casey Affleck!
(hip-hop)
Hey! Must be the money!
♪ Hey! Must be the money!
(scooter motor revving)
Hey, that's my camera!
Ah, joke's on him.
It's all close-ups of my man parts.
(big band music plays)
(clinking)
(coughing)
Oh, man, this-this bad boy even has
an all-you-can-eat buffet.
I'm going to go see if their Sports Book's got Bumfutch.
Our country doesn't take care of its veterans.
Hey, aren't you Slim Biggins from the commercials?
Damn right. Wow, you're on TV.
Are you a pervert like Pat O'Brien?
No, Mr. Brown, I am not.
How do you know my name? I didn't! Now, come sit
next to Mr. Yellow over here.
Can we get my friend here a free cocktail?
Wow, sitting next to an Asian guy
having a free drink...
I could get used to this.
(Cleveland chuckles)
Hooray! I just keep winning.
I feel like a homeowner before 2008!
Lordy me!
Look at that stack of chips.
Looks like somebody just earned his way
into Club Nugget.
Club Nugget!
Both of those individually
are names of porno magazines.
Oui, Hustler. And it's also
the name of this casino's exclusive
VIP player's club.
All right, dealer.
How 'bout another blackjack for this brown Brown?
Blackjack!
Who's your daddy?
CROWD: We don't know your name!
It's Cleveland!
CROWD: Cleveland!
(giddy laughter)
CROWD (sorrowful): Cleveland.
(cries): Oh!
You had a good 12 minutes.
I don't know what happened.
Shoot, Mr. Brown, I was under the impression
that you were a high roller,
but, clearly, I was mistaken.
I'm going to have to ask you for your VIP card back.
I am a high roller.
I'm just short of cash.
Would it be possible for me to wager
in furs or chalices
or Elizabethan marital aids? Sure.
Of these things, I have none.
Would it be possible for me to wager a sofa cushion
with a stripe of human feces on it,
which has been facing down for, oh, some months now?
No. Damn.
Of these things, I have two.
I'll find some money.
(patrons screaming)
All-you-can-eat my furry ass.
(roaring)
Money, money...
Junior's piggy bank.
Mixed nuts and a pickle?
I can't do that to Ramona.
(muffled chatter)
What was that?
I said, does your husband play cards?
(laughs)
But this is my stepdaughter's
college money you're talking about.
Or I'm thinking about.
Or whatever's going on here.
Oh, what's $2,000
gonna get her anyway?
Half a semester of clown college?
Why not take a shot at turning that
into money for a real education,
like at the University of Delaware?
Oh, yeah! Yes! Yeah! Yes!
Yes! That's cool! U.D.! U.D.!
Delaware! Delaware! Delaware! Whoo! U.D.! That's us!
That's us! Whoo! Oops. (laughing)
Well, I guess I can't keep losing.
Well, it's statistically impossible.
And they do say you're supposed to chase your bets.
That's what the casino owners say.
As Kevin Spacey said to Tom Cruise,
"I'm all in."
No, Dad! Stop! Wait!
High roller Cleveland Brown, reporting for duty.
Mr. Brown, 12 showing.
My plum suit!
My plums!
22, bust.
Rober... Rober... Roberta's college money!
Oh!
(sighs) All this
and no one to share it with.
WOMAN: Mr. Biggins?
A Mr. Brown to see you.
Thank you, Miss Bazoombas.
(making goofy bazoomba sound)
Yes. Now, what can I do for you, Mr. Brown?
May I please have my money back? No.
Please? Yes.
Really? No.
Well, I've done all I can do. Hold up.
I'm going to give you a chance to earn back your money
by working for me.
You think you could bartend?
Of course I could bartend.
Mr. Biggins, you are talking to a man
who once sold ice to an Eskimo.
Hey, buddy. You guys sell ice?
You're an Eskimo, aren't you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
37 words for snow, whatever.
I'm in the middle of a party. We ran out of ice.
Is the party in your igloo?
No, it's in my condo, and that's offensive.
Seriously, can you just sell me the ice?
I got, like, 12 people waiting.
Thanks, man.
(giggles)
(floorboards creaking)
Just gonna sneak in here.
No one will be the wiser.
Ow! Bitch!
Got to rack your weights!
(crashing, beating) Ah! Ooh! Ah! Ow!
ANNOUNCER: Spike TV's Hundred Most J arring Noises!
Number 57... (woman screams) No! No! No!
56... (jackhammering) Shh! Shh!
55... (bird screeches) Quiet! Quiet!
54. (car alarm blaring) Gonna wake the whole...
ANNOUNCER: 53. MEN: Ooh-a, ooh-a! Shut up! Shut up!
ANNOUNCER: 52. (chimp screeching)
(turns off TV)
What the hell is going on down here?
Cleveland, where have you been all night?
You caught me.
It was gonna be a surprise,
but for the next three months I'll be, um,
taking night classes to earn my degree
as a, a court stenographer.
What? Why?
Because sometimes, a man's got to earn
a little extra money for his family
by typing on a weird little keyboard.
Well, look at you putting this family first.
Working your fingers to the bone,
striking things from the record.
Having no visible emotional reaction
to often quite startling testimony.
Mm! My strong, silent court stenographer, mm.
Why don't you bring those fast fingers upstairs
and see if your quick brown fox
can jump over my lazy dog?
I find the defendant, Donna Tubbs, sexy.
I sentence her to three to five minutes.
Can I get extra time for bad behavior?
No!
Here you go.
And remember, when it comes to good drinks,
you can always bet on Brown.
My name's Cleveland Brown, by the way.
Oh, that's funny!
(laughs) He's funny.
You're funny.
He's funny.
Uh, Cleveland, you know Ted Lange?
He played the bartender on The Love Boat.
Now he's playing the guy who's taking your job.
And I'm also playing
Walter Lee Younger from A Raisin in the Sun
at the Sarasota Playhouse July 15 through the 29th.
Cleveland, a bunch of kids
were throwing Alka-Seltzers to seagulls on the lido deck.
You're playing the guy who's cleaning up the guts.
Ted Lange can't clean up the seagull guts off the lido deck?
No. That's your job.
And when you're done,
clean the urine troughs under the dealers,
clean out the cage of the chicken who plays tic-tac-toe.
You-you know what?
Here's how you remember your job.
If something stinks, clean it.
Hey, boss, some bear just voided himself
all over the buffet.
Get to it.
(groans)
(clucking)
(electronic tone plays)
(squawks)
(groaning sigh)
Roberta's college.
Cleveland, I'm going to need you
to watch last night's Celebrity Apprentice
and tell me what happened.
That's where I draw the line.
Oh. Well, someone must not want his paycheck.
What the...?
27 bucks for a week's work?
What are you complaining about?
You're making the same as the chicken,
and she's been here three years.
Does the chicken have benefits?
No.
Hmm. This country.
What're the odds?
Well, of course.
I lose again.
Terrific. Fantastic.
I'm having a great time.
Oh, look-- two eights.
I'll split them, 'cause that's what you're supposed to do.
And lose twice!
Beautiful. Good.
Take them away. I'm out.
Fair enough.
Some guys just don't have the stones.
You think I don't have the stones?
Well, guess what-- stones are on tour.
Next stop: this table.
Paint it blackjack.
He's betting his car?!
Why didn't I do that?
Okay, hit me.
Hey! What the hell?
Oh, so sorry.
Let me get that.
That's the same Chinese or Japanese or Vietnamese
or Filipino or Korean or guy from San Francisco
who spilled his drink on me!
Wha...? A crooked casino?
Sorry about that.
Here's your card, sir.
Oh! Oh!
No! Not my car!
Apollonia!
(clucking)
Hey, now your sports coupe is a chicken coop.
ALL: Shut up, Tim!
Hey, Cleveland, I was just telling the ladies
how you're four weeks away from being a court stenographer.
Uh, Donna, about that.
There's something I have to tell you.
I haven't been going to night school
to be a court stenographer.
(gasps) Sweet peas and jujubes!
As a matter of fact,
I've been spending my nights at the Big Nugget.
(gasps) Sweet ham and braised lamb!
And I took Roberta's college money,
and I gambled it all away.
And since then, I've been working nights at the casino,
cleaning up after Tic Tac Toe, playing chickens,
and slaughtering horse after horse after horse
to make the money back, but it's just not happening, Donna.
I'm sorry.
Sweet grass and succotash! Sweet beans and din...
Get ahold of yourself.
(sighs)
Thank you, but you do that again
and I will smack the taste out your mouth.
Not the taste!
You stole my daughter's college money?!
Have you lost your damn mind?!
I was swindled, and they got Holt, too.
The baby man?
Yes, the dealer had a plant.
And the plant spilled a drink.
And when he spilled the drink,
the dealer switched the shoe and...
(grunting)
They got you with the old
Lone Star wet pants.
Used to do it all the time when I was a dealer
in Monte Carlo back in 1962.
I had to lay low for a while, because Mrs. Kennedy
was starting to get suspicious.
But it turned out to be a blessing,
because that's where I met my first husband,
Baron Heinrich von...
We don't have time for your stupid story.
In 1962?
How old are you?
Fat don't crack.
The point is, you got screwed, dude.
I know every scam in the book.
Then you could help get our money back.
All three of you could!
How would you inconspicuous hausfraus
like to be Cleveland's Angels?
I'm down. Let's do it.
Na-na, na-na, na, na, Lucy Liu.
My baby's going to college!
(explosion)
(Charlie's Angels theme plays)
CLEVELAND: Once upon a time,
there were three little girls
who it wouldn't kill to miss a meal or two.
And they didn't look good in athletic clothes.
I rounded them up and now their big butts
work for me.
(groans)
My name is Cleveland.
Okay, all set.
(over intercom): Angels?
ALL: Hi, Cleveland.
What? We said, "Hi, Cleveland."
Angels? It's Cleveland.
Oh, right. Baby monitors are only one-way.
We don't want babies to hear us.
(Cleveland chuckles)
Can you imagine?
Okay, Angels, here's the plan.
Donna, you're going to play a sexy siren
who'll flirt with Slim Biggins
to keep his attention away from the table.
I happen to know he goes for big-boned middle-aged
black women with kids.
Arianna and Kendra, you two will be
a couple of high rollers
from Odessa and Corpus Christi, Texas, respectively.
Kendra, you'll go over to the table
and start counting cards.
Arianna, you pretend to get drunk and wait for my signal.
You're kind of thin to be from Corpus Christi.
Meh-- pitter-patter, let's get at 'er.
Here we go.
As Kevin Spacey said to John Travolta,
"I'm all in."
(indistinct chatter)
Before you go, have I showed you my babies?
The left one is Rollo and the right one is Roberta.
That's a perky set of children.
Oh, Slim. (giggles)
Oh, I'm so wasted.
You drunk bitch!
Oh, oh, let me dry you off.
My gambling trousers!
Hit me...
with that four of clubs.
The four of clubs for 21.
(applause)
What the hell?
I'm sorry, Mr. Biggins,
but I think this woman was counting cards.
Hello, Russell. Kendra?
It's been a long time.
You look tremendous.
So, you're still counting cards?
You two know each other?
We was business associates.
Russell was the bureau chief
in Rome when I was all set
to star in Fellini's...
Kendra, we don't have time for your stupid story.
Oh, so the three of you are in on this together?
And the bear. (slurping)
And unless you want her to tear your ass up,
you'll let us walk out of this place.
That's right.
She was only pretending to be drunk.
Cleveland, is, is rum alcoholic?
(gasps)
You're drunk. She's drunk.
I'm drunk. Anyone have any drugs?
I'm going to go find some drugs.
Huh. Looks like you're not going anywhere.
Not with my money you're not.
(fingers snapping) Miss Bazoombas. Ted Lange.
(engine revving)
(tires screeching)
K.F. see you later.
Get in.
Let's go, dude.
(gunshot)
(patrons screaming)
(action movie music)
What are you doing?
We're not going to clear the river.
We'll never make it to the road!
Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads.
Holt, you're crazy!
(laughs) Crazy like a fish.
(crying)
Good work, Angels.
And after all that, Holt's car turned into a submarine,
and we got the hell out of there.
But the important thing is, we got your college money back.
Why? I'm not going to college.
I'm going to Hollywood!