♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
♪ And I am proud to be
♪ Right back In my hometown ♪
♪ With my new family
♪ There's old friends And new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear
♪ Through good times And bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place
♪ Where everyone will know
♪ My happy mustache face
♪ This is The Cleveland Show ♪
[LAUGHS]
[♪]
Kobe's got the ball.
He's really having his way with his opponents.
He is gonna take it right at the hole
whether they like it or not.
He sneaks to the back, sees an opening
and forces it in!
[♪]
[YELLS]
Oh, my face!
What you got? You got nothing. Ow. That hurt.
You can't guard me. Stop.
I can do this all day. Get off me.
[GROWLS] You are much bigger than me.
Yeah!
[GROANING]
Boom!
Hm-hm. Still got it.
Feels like I'm back in my basketball camp days
running the three-man weave
making reliable but not flashy two-handed chest passes
shooting free throws underhand
bringing out the ladder to get the ball out of the peach basket
throwing it down on skinny little Barry Obama's head.
Punk-ass Barry.
Wait. Cleveland, did you just say Barry Obama?
That was his name. Goofy, big-eared kid.
Thirteen years old, smoked like a chimney.
Barry Obama. Probably sleeping in a ditch somewhere.
We got any lemonade?
Cleveland, Barry Obama is the president of the United States.
No, Barack Obama is the president.
Barry Obama is Barack Obama.
That kid Barry is now the president.
Barry Hussein Obama is?
Hm-hm.
This is...
Well, that-- It can't be.
I need to sit down.
[MOANS]
Cleveland, it's not that bad.
Not that bad? Easy for you to say.
You're a woman. You can't be president.
That's true.
But Barry and I are almost the same age
and yet some would say
he's accomplished much more than me.
Oh, Donna. What have I done with my life?
You've done plenty.
You've raised Cleveland Jr. pretty much all by yourself.
And I'll always be your first lady.
Not to brag, but you're more like my sixth lady.
[♪]
Hey, Rallo, may I have your Snack Pack?
I saw Donna put it in there.
No, you can't have my Snack Pack.
Hm, well, I guess this is God's way of keeping me skinny.
Bye, Daddy. Touch the sky, baby.
Locally-famous rapper Kenny West?
What are you doing here?
I'm trying to get my daughter a decent education
so she doesn't grow up to be in one of my videos.
Huh? Oh.
[LAUGHING]
Where's Candice's mom?
I wanna talk to her now.
She's gone for six months
doing Bret Michaels' Rock of Love Bus.
Congratulations.
Hey, you should bring Candice over for a playdate.
Hm, that's actually not a bad idea.
I got a gig this afternoon, anyway.
I'll treat her like she's one of my own.
And I mean my own, not one of my stepkids.
Sometimes I forget to feed them.
Man, I am starving.
I feel like I haven't eaten in days.
That's probably why you look so fly, Ro.
My girl is mad rexy.
[GRUNTING, MOANING]
No! Bad! Bad!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
My man.
Thanks again for watching Candice.
I wish more grown men I barely knew would offer
to look after my 4-year-old daughter for a few hours.
No problem.
I'd like to see Barack Obama look after two kids.
But he's probably too busy dealing with Afghanistan
and cleaning up the gulf, and his two kids.
Anyway, bye, sweetie.
Rallo, you got a playdate.
[♪]
Damn.
I thought we'd never meet again.
So you wanna watch a Star Wars movie?
I'm ready for anything.
I'm a straight-up freak.
I love you.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[YELLING]
You sure this is where your dad's performing?
♪ We got nachos with attitude And onion blings ♪
♪ We got drive-by salad If you're dieting ♪
This is funky fresh.
Shut up, bitch, we ain't finished.
Oh, you.
Tell them the dessert special, yo.
[SIGHS]
♪ Fight the flour Fight the flour ♪ Uh.
♪ You gotta bite The flourless cake ♪
What he say?
What are you doing here? I told you I'd pick Candice up.
Oh, yeah. That must be why
I have this string tied around my finger.
Say, how about Candice and Rallo have another playdate tomorrow?
Any chance you can watch them at your place
since apparently I plain old forgot to go to work today?
It's just not a good time.
Oh, cool. A Pop A Cop machine.
[BEEPING, SIRENS WAILING]
These are great. Why did I buy these?
What the--?
[♪]
Kenny. You're-- You're homeless.
Sh. Man, not in front of my kid.
I told her that cars were houses
and houses were cars, so she just thinks we're car-less.
That's it. I'm finding you a place to live.
Something Barack Obama
apparently hasn't been able to do.
Actually, his Cash for Clunkers program helped me--
Do you want my help or not?
[♪]
[GUNSHOTS ON TV]
Remember when I was upset that I hadn't accomplished
as much as the president?
Well, guess who's helping
a young family get off the streets?
Cleveland, what are you talking about?
Here they are.
From the parking lot next to the old muffler shop
soon to be living in our garage
Kenny and Candice West.
Awesome.
Oops.
Wrong show.
I got a whole mess of Snack Packs out in my minivan.
Hee.
[♪]
Donna, don't worry. Kenny won't be here long.
Today, I'm gonna take him down to Waterman Cable
and get him a real job.
Not like whatever it is you do at the hospital.
I work at the school. Yep.
Hey, Cleve. Hey, Miss Tubbs.
I got you a little thank you gift
for letting me and Candice crash at your place.
Oh, my God.
"Tyler Perry presents Wine."
CLEVELAND: They say it's rich and super fruity
and not complex at all.
Kenny, you shouldn't have.
How could you afford it?
I sold all my recording equipment.
I mean, I don't need it anymore.
As Cleveland told me,
cable installers are today's rap stars.
See, dum-dum?
Come on, Kenny. Let's go to the hospital.
Cable company. Yep.
Oh, I am running away from some problems tonight.
Love you. Love you more.
That's impossible.
[GIGGLES]
Can it be?
Has Rallo Tubbs finally found the one?
Gentlemen, there comes a time in every man's life
when he needs to grow up and settle down.
I'm not 5 anymore.
I'm five and a half.
I would kill to be five and a half again.
I'm just so tired all the time.
[♪]
Well, look who it is. Who is that?
Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Kenny
a kid off the streets who I've been teaching everything I know.
It's whom. Not who.
I-I-I hope you're not teaching him grammar.
Oh, damn. You got whom-ed.
Kenny West. Caught you at the county fair.
Yeah, I listen to rap. Got a De La Soul CD in my car.
Do a little beatboxing. You don't wanna hear it.
Unless you do. You probably do.
Boo-boo-boo-be-do-boob.
Boob-boob-bee-bee-boo- bee-do-boob.
I'm really not glad I heard that.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh, Kenny, you're terrible.
No, you're terrible.
We're both terrible.
[LAUGHING]
Nice playing, Arthur Ass.
So we got a wonderful plan for tomorrow.
Yeah, I was thinking maybe we could go to the merry-go-round.
Ignore him. We're going to the library.
Oh, the library.
You'll love that, Walt. It's free.
[♪]
[DOOR OPENS]
So, what do you think?
I think there's no greater sign of maturity than the mustache.
Yep. It shows you've put away your childish dreams
and said to yourself, "Self? This is it for you.
You are going no farther than this."
Well, I don't know about that.
Each mustache has its own story.
Have you ever eaten a cheesesteak with a mustache?
Here, take my second one. Whoops.
Don't worry about it. Just grab a shirt out of my closet.
We adults can change clothes whenever we want.
And ride our bikes in the street.
Cleveland, what have you done to that poor boy?
Filled him full of awesome.
You're turning him into you.
And, Cleveland, I love you,
and I mean this in the best possible way
but any 19 year old who has your life should kill himself.
Donna, you're overreacting.
I'm not trying to turn Kenny into me.
Hey, thanks for the shirt, Cleveland.
You showed me the way.
All those years wasted on some stupid dream
of being a rap star.
I just wanna thank you for taking the music out of my life
both literally and metaphorically.
[♪]
Kenny, I've made a mistake.
I've encouraged you to abandon your dreams.
This life is not your destiny.
Good, honest work is for the downtrodden and the Polish.
Oh, come on, man. My music wasn't going anywhere.
That's because you didn't have anyone to believe in you.
Or should I say, be-Cleve in you. Registered trademark.
Feel like writing a hit song?
My stuff.
I appreciate it, Cleveland, but I don't know if I can do it.
I've been out the game for six days.
Lil Wayne's dropped 30 mix tapes since then.
You can do it, Kenny,
because I'm gonna help you.
We're not gonna sleep
until we've written a hit hip-hop single.
[♪]
Done. Wow, I can't believe
you wrote an entire hit song in 15 seconds.
And I still can't believe Beyoncé didn't win.
Kenny!
Donna, wake up! The house is on fire! Rallo's dead!
What? Oh, my God, no! My baby! My baby!
[LAUGHING]
Just kidding. But now that I have your attention
you should know that Kenny and I have recorded a hit song
and now I'm gonna help him make it big in the music biz.
So we're going on tour
and you're gonna stay here
and watch his and our children. We cool?
Fine. If this is what you need
to get you past your whole mid-life crisis
Barack Obama thing, then go.
Damn it, Donna! You can't stop me.
I am leaving with Kenny West to be a rap-guy manager.
It's my new lifelong dream.
Cleveland. Look at me. I don't care.
If you can get the time off work, then go.
Oh, work. I keep forgetting to go to that.
[♪]
Well, it's been four days and you're still not famous.
I don't get it.
We tried having a rap battle like in 8 Mile.
We tried getting you addicted to drugs like Walk the Line.
There's one movie we haven't tried.
We haven't tried Ray.
Let me at them. What are you doing?
You need to be blind. Get away!
Do you wanna be famous or not? Stop!
Oh, what's the use?
This won't work. It's hopeless.
All we need is one break.
MAN [ON TV]: We interrupt this program
with a Dwayne Meighan news flash.
Hi, I'm Dwayne Meighan. News flash.
It had been in Goochland County.
Apparently, somebody, a person, had been playing around
or standing too close with a well.
A news flash indicate it was a small girl.
Maybe perhaps playing with her doll
or maybe wanted to see down her reflection on well.
Oh-oh. Fell in. This had had been the news.
There's a girl trapped in the well.
You know what that means.
Benefit concert. Funeral concert.
Well, one or the other.
[♪]
[CROWD CHATTERING]
Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen,
first a little housekeeping.
Uh, for the time being,
please stop urinating down the well. Thank you.
Second, these two guys showed up and insisted on singing.
So put your hands together
for Kenny West featuring Cleveland Brown.
[CROWD CHEERING]
I know what it's like to feel down, little girl.
I hope someone lifts you up
like the big guy who lifted me up.
MAN: Praise the Lord. No.
I'm talking about the big guy right here, Cleveland Brown.
♪ Not long ago I was lower than Lohan ♪
♪ No plan, a lost man
♪ Raising my little girl In a Cadillac Brougham ♪
♪ My quest? Success But my life was a mess ♪
♪ Poor Kenny West No zest, anti-depressed ♪
♪ Not dressed to impress Matter of fact, more stressed ♪
♪ Than John Mayer Waiting on his AIDS test ♪
♪ Then I met a man
♪ Who taught me How to live large ♪
♪ Took me out of the my car Now I'm in his garage ♪
♪ Turns out all I needed Was some inspiration ♪
♪ Like Mr. Miyagi But a lot less Asian ♪
♪ My game was timid Now my flow much bolder ♪
♪ Got a chubby brown angel On my shoulder saying ♪
♪ You know, it don't matter What you do ♪
♪ Because I'll always be there For you ♪
♪ Be-Cleve in yourself ♪ Grow a mustache
♪ Be-Cleve in yourself
♪ Slap your wife's ass ♪
♪ Be-Cleve in yourself
♪ Never smoke grass
♪ Be-Cleve in yourself
♪ Freely pass gas
Be-Cleve in yourself, Goochland.
BOTH: Good night. [CROWD CHEERING]
Our hearts go out to the good people of Goochland.
We hope you stay strong during the ongoing rescue effort.
Barack Obama doesn't care about black people.
What the fuck were you thinking?
I don't know. The lights, the camera. I got nervous.
Plus, Obama's accomplished so much.
You just destroyed Twitter.
It literally exploded from people's tweets.
Your song is gonna be
the number-one downloaded song ever.
No doubt about it.
You put our music on the Internet, right?
You can put music on the WebTV?
♪ I gotta testify
♪ Come up with a spot
♪ I'm looking extra fly ♪
♪ For the day I die
♪ Gonna touch the sky [BEEPING]
♪ Gotta testify
♪ Come up with a spot
♪ I'm looking extra fly ♪ [MODEM DIALING]
♪ For the day I die
♪ I'm gonna touch the sky ♪
♪ Uh, I gotta testify
♪ Come up in the spot Looking extra fly ♪
♪ For the day you die
♪ You gonna touch the sky
Baby girl ♪
♪ Testify
♪ Come up in the spot Looking extra fly ♪
♪ For the day you die
♪ Yeah, you gonna Touch the sky ♪
♪ Check it out baby
♪ Sky high Uh-uh, sky high ♪
♪ Uh-uh, sky high
Man, look at that crowd. [CROWD CHEERING]
What did I tell you, Kenny?
I knew we'd hit the big time.
Cleveland, you're fired. What?
I'm sorry, but the book I read said
if you've got bad news,
you should just come right out and say it.
No, you're supposed to first give them a fake compliment,
then the bad news.
Oh. You've lost weight. And you're fired.
Well, at least I've lost weight.
But why am I fired?
Look, Cleveland. I'm sorry, but I've learned
that to make it as a rap star
you have to make wildly irrational decisions
without thinking about it.
Just look at Flavor Flav. [CHUCKLES]
That's not a name.
And that's another thing.
Your rap knowledge begins and ends with Kurtis Blow.
Yeah. Kurtis Blow.
And what's up with all these stupid outfits?
I'm a rapper, not the mayor of Detroit.
Goodbye, Cleveland.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[♪]
♪ And I am telling you
♪ I'm not going ♪
Sir, you can't stand here. I'm going. I'm going.
[PIANO SOFTLY PLAYING]
Mm. This bruschetta is amazing.
Yeah, $12 bread with some tomatoes on it.
Yeah, that's great. Enough.
Come on. Let's go to the ladies' room before our entrées arrive.
This sucks. I know, but we're stuck.
We could just leave.
What? Just leave.
Can we do that? Why not?
Do you know how many men wish they could just leave
while their girlfriends were in the bathroom?
One hundred percent. I'm out.
Attention, men. [PIANO STOPS PLAYING]
If your ladies are in the bathroom,
and you wish, for just once in your life
you had the cojones to just get up and leave, follow me.
I'm going to play skee-ball at Cheesy Charlie's.
I'm going. Me too.
MAN 1: Yeah. MAN 2: Great idea.
MAN 1: Let's go.
Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere.
Ooh. I gotta get this.
This could take forever.
Hello?
[♪]
Donna, I'm home.
I realized that my place is here with you. Hey, cool wok.
Kenny fired you, didn't he?
Yeah, but that's okay.
Where'd you get the wok? Bed, Bath and Hospital?
Beyond. Beg pardon?
Bed, Bath and Beyond.
Beyond what? The hospital.
What are you talking about a hospital?
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING] Chopper.
[♪]
Barry.
They kick you out of Washington already?
No, no, I'm still your ruler.
I was on my way back from pulling a girl out of a well
and I heard what you said about me.
I can't help but think that had something to do with the fact
that you never could beat me on the court.
What? You-- I-- That's not--
How about right now? You and me. One on one.
[♪]
Oh.
You're on.
Whoops.
There we go.
[♪]
[WIND BLOWING]
If there's one thing politics has taught me,
it's to watch out for attacks from the right.
First basket wins.
I better call my Secretary of Education
because you just got schooled.
I could also call my Secretary of the Treasury
because that shot was money. Also, I--
Sir, we really-- I've got one more.
I could call my Secretary of Defense,
because I am the bomb.
Wheels up.
[♪]
Take me with you!
[SOBS] Oh.
[CRIES OUT]
[SHRIEKING]
You know what, Donna?
He may live in the White House,
but I'd rather live in the Brown house.
I'd rather live in the White House.
Yeah, me too.
[♪]
[English - US - Line 21]