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00:00:02,535 --> 00:00:04,469
ANNOUNCER:
December 17, 1989.
2
00:00:04,471 --> 00:00:05,870
History is made.
3
00:00:05,872 --> 00:00:07,139
America says hello
4
00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:09,041
to the first
non-prehistoric family
5
00:00:09,043 --> 00:00:10,742
in primetime animation.
6
00:00:10,744 --> 00:00:13,678
[BART SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
7
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:15,980
January 12, 1997.
8
00:00:15,982 --> 00:00:17,382
History isn't done.
9
00:00:17,384 --> 00:00:19,017
King of the Hill premieres,
10
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:20,852
taking America
by light drizzle.
11
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:23,655
HANK:
I sell propane.
12
00:00:24,790 --> 00:00:27,325
ANNOUNCER:
January 31, 1999.
13
00:00:27,327 --> 00:00:29,094
Knock-knock. Who's there?
14
00:00:29,096 --> 00:00:32,363
It's history again
as Family Guy premieres.
15
00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:34,532
[STEWIE SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
16
00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:38,136
And then history makes
its first mistake in history.
17
00:00:38,138 --> 00:00:40,004
It cancels Family Guy.
18
00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:44,342
August 12, 2004.
19
00:00:44,344 --> 00:00:47,528
Eric Hammel, a misogynistic
pothead loner from Cincinnati
20
00:00:47,530 --> 00:00:50,698
walks into a store
and buys a Family Guy DVD.
21
00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:53,101
History is listening.
22
00:00:53,103 --> 00:00:54,385
American Dad! is also a show.
23
00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:56,387
But tonight,
the biggest history
24
00:00:56,389 --> 00:00:58,723
in the history of history
will be made.
25
00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:00,592
Because,
for the first time ever,
26
00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:02,861
primetime animation
will be going
27
00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:04,228
live.
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00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:07,265
From Fox Studios,
in Century City, California,
29
00:01:07,267 --> 00:01:11,319
it's the first-ever live
telecast of an animated series.
30
00:01:11,321 --> 00:01:15,056
This is
The Cleveland Show Live,
31
00:01:15,058 --> 00:01:17,876
with special guest star,
Julia Roberts.
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00:01:17,878 --> 00:01:19,694
Brought to you by Circuit City.
33
00:01:19,696 --> 00:01:23,331
Circuit City, there's one left.
Come find us.
34
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:25,233
Featuring the Walter Murphy
Orchestra.
35
00:01:29,071 --> 00:01:32,741
And now, an overweight,
bumbling cartoon dad,
36
00:01:32,743 --> 00:01:36,211
Cleveland Brown.
37
00:01:36,213 --> 00:01:38,713
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
38
00:01:38,715 --> 00:01:41,015
♪ And I am proud to be
39
00:01:41,017 --> 00:01:43,201
♪ Right back for season two
40
00:01:43,203 --> 00:01:46,087
♪ With my new family
41
00:01:46,089 --> 00:01:50,725
Ladies and gentlemen,
the original Solid Gold Dancers.
42
00:01:52,461 --> 00:01:54,696
♪ There's old friends
And new friends ♪
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00:01:54,698 --> 00:01:56,898
♪ And even a bear
44
00:01:56,900 --> 00:01:59,484
♪ Through good times
And bad times ♪
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00:01:59,486 --> 00:02:01,019
♪ It's true love we share ♪
46
00:02:01,021 --> 00:02:03,154
♪ And so I found a place
47
00:02:03,156 --> 00:02:05,457
♪ Where I don't take no jive ♪
48
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:07,842
♪ Screw The Amazing Race ♪
49
00:02:07,844 --> 00:02:10,144
♪ You're watching
Cleveland Live ♪
50
00:02:10,146 --> 00:02:11,913
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
51
00:02:11,915 --> 00:02:13,247
Thank you.
52
00:02:13,249 --> 00:02:14,666
Thank you.
53
00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:17,902
[CHEERING]
54
00:02:20,355 --> 00:02:22,223
Whoop, here I is.
55
00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:25,760
That's gonna be my new
catchphrase for season two.
56
00:02:25,762 --> 00:02:29,146
Mine's gonna be
"Teddy bear picnic."
57
00:02:29,148 --> 00:02:30,482
You know what? Forget it.
58
00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:32,016
Catchphrases are stupid.
59
00:02:32,018 --> 00:02:34,369
Party over here.
60
00:02:34,371 --> 00:02:36,304
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
61
00:02:36,306 --> 00:02:38,172
Boys, I--
62
00:02:39,841 --> 00:02:42,843
Boys, I need--
63
00:02:42,845 --> 00:02:45,346
Boys, I need you
to go pack your things.
64
00:02:45,348 --> 00:02:47,682
You'll be spending the night
at Robert's apartment.
65
00:02:47,684 --> 00:02:49,450
Dad's place? All right.
66
00:02:49,452 --> 00:02:51,653
I bet he takes me
to the outdoor mall
67
00:02:51,655 --> 00:02:53,921
so I can drum
on buckets for change.
68
00:02:53,923 --> 00:02:55,823
[SCATTING]
69
00:02:57,425 --> 00:02:58,994
Now, that's funky.
70
00:02:58,996 --> 00:03:02,180
Dad, are we being sent to
Robert's to scare us straight?
71
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,115
No, I paid Robert to watch you
72
00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:07,252
so Donna and I can have
the place to ourselves.
73
00:03:07,254 --> 00:03:08,703
It's our first anniversary
74
00:03:08,705 --> 00:03:11,405
and I've planned
a big romantic dinner,
75
00:03:11,407 --> 00:03:12,841
which could very well lead
76
00:03:12,843 --> 00:03:16,344
to slow dancing,
the recitation of love poetry
77
00:03:16,346 --> 00:03:19,981
and other things that are
too taboo to be discussed.
78
00:03:19,983 --> 00:03:21,082
[CHUCKLES]
79
00:03:21,084 --> 00:03:22,350
If I were Bernie Mac
80
00:03:22,352 --> 00:03:24,386
I'd be sitting
in a chair right now
81
00:03:24,388 --> 00:03:26,687
telling America
how stupid you are.
82
00:03:26,689 --> 00:03:29,290
Miss you, Bernie.
83
00:03:32,044 --> 00:03:35,880
Hey, Roberta, are you staying
at your deadbeat dad's too?
84
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:39,367
Please, if I wanted to breathe
toxic mold and get flea bites
85
00:03:39,369 --> 00:03:42,570
I'd date Zach Galifianakis.
86
00:03:42,572 --> 00:03:46,491
It's gonna happen
one way or the other.
87
00:03:47,927 --> 00:03:50,395
Roberta's staying
at her friend Tassie's house.
88
00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:52,530
You know, the Iranian one.
89
00:03:52,532 --> 00:03:56,034
Because ayatollah
her to get lost.
90
00:03:56,036 --> 00:03:57,101
[LAUGHS]
91
00:03:57,103 --> 00:03:59,404
No, but it's gonna
work out great.
92
00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:00,771
Donna's gonna be so supr--
93
00:04:00,773 --> 00:04:03,408
MAN:
You're fat.
94
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:05,910
You know what else is fat?
95
00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:08,813
Rudeness.
96
00:04:08,815 --> 00:04:11,081
[♪]
97
00:04:13,485 --> 00:04:15,453
Hey, you kids like games, right?
98
00:04:15,455 --> 00:04:17,254
Well, I got a fun one for you.
99
00:04:17,256 --> 00:04:20,358
It's called Open the Box,
Take Out the DVD Player
100
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:23,594
Put a Brick Where it Was,
And Then Tape it Back Up.
101
00:04:23,596 --> 00:04:27,115
And then we can build a wall
out of the DVD players. Yay!
102
00:04:27,117 --> 00:04:28,316
[TIRES SCREECH]
103
00:04:28,318 --> 00:04:31,018
Oh, no, they found me.
104
00:04:31,020 --> 00:04:33,321
Quick, move.
Out the back window.
105
00:04:34,890 --> 00:04:36,891
Man, we're three stories up.
106
00:04:36,893 --> 00:04:38,960
It's okay, the dumpster
will break our fall.
107
00:04:38,962 --> 00:04:40,494
But I'm scared, Daddy.
108
00:04:40,496 --> 00:04:42,897
I'm not your daddy, fool.
Let's split.
109
00:04:42,899 --> 00:04:45,933
Here I go.
110
00:04:45,935 --> 00:04:47,368
[CLATTERING]
111
00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:50,537
To infinity and beyond.
112
00:04:50,539 --> 00:04:51,806
[CLATTERING]
113
00:04:51,808 --> 00:04:53,407
Guess it's my turn.
114
00:04:53,409 --> 00:04:55,542
[YELLS]
115
00:04:55,544 --> 00:04:57,611
[CLATTERING]
116
00:04:57,613 --> 00:05:00,097
[♪]
117
00:05:01,967 --> 00:05:03,601
Anthony.
118
00:05:04,670 --> 00:05:06,237
Let's see, I'll sit here
119
00:05:06,239 --> 00:05:08,306
and I guess the most natural
thing would be
120
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:12,076
for Donna to sit next to me
also facing in that direction.
121
00:05:12,078 --> 00:05:14,045
You can come in now, Donna.
122
00:05:16,515 --> 00:05:19,417
Cleveland,
you made all this?
123
00:05:19,419 --> 00:05:22,187
And you're gonna clean it all up
by yourself afterwards?
124
00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:23,387
Whatever.
125
00:05:23,389 --> 00:05:25,156
Now, let's get to work
126
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:28,159
on making those legs wobbly.
127
00:05:30,913 --> 00:05:34,816
Look at me, I'm totally nude.
128
00:05:36,985 --> 00:05:39,253
Looks like I've got
some catching up to do
129
00:05:39,255 --> 00:05:42,457
behind this pillar
we've always had.
130
00:05:43,926 --> 00:05:45,225
MAN:
Boobs.
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00:05:47,228 --> 00:05:49,480
Eek!
Robert?
132
00:05:49,482 --> 00:05:52,867
There's some bad stuff
going down. Real bad.
133
00:05:52,869 --> 00:05:54,535
These people
don't mess around.
134
00:05:54,537 --> 00:05:57,105
I'm gonna have to lay low here
for a couple of days.
135
00:05:57,107 --> 00:05:58,940
No, absolutely not.
136
00:05:58,942 --> 00:06:02,910
It's our first anniversary,
the paper anniversary.
137
00:06:02,912 --> 00:06:05,880
I was gonna give her an index
card on which I'd written:
138
00:06:05,882 --> 00:06:08,183
"I'd marry you all over again."
139
00:06:08,185 --> 00:06:11,336
Wait a minute, there's no reason
I still can't give it to you.
140
00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:12,704
Here you go.
141
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,539
Aw.
142
00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:16,708
WOMAN:
You got a good one, girl.
143
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:18,243
[GROANING]
144
00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:21,011
Please, don't let my daddy
get killed, Cleveland.
145
00:06:21,013 --> 00:06:23,781
You can't be
my only male role model.
146
00:06:23,783 --> 00:06:27,518
I'll grow up to be
an overweight gay loser.
147
00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:30,688
That's crazy talk, sugar.
148
00:06:30,690 --> 00:06:32,874
Cleveland,
he's in a lot of trouble.
149
00:06:32,876 --> 00:06:34,575
We don't have a choice.
150
00:06:34,577 --> 00:06:35,727
[CHUCKLES]
151
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:39,864
Hey, looks like C-Brown
just got C-blocked.
152
00:06:39,866 --> 00:06:41,899
Time to get strapped, doughboy.
153
00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:43,867
Pardon me?
Get your gun ready.
154
00:06:43,869 --> 00:06:45,470
I don't have a gun.
155
00:06:45,472 --> 00:06:48,306
I used to live here.
We got guns everywhere.
156
00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:50,141
Flip the couch.
157
00:06:53,462 --> 00:06:55,863
I don't even
need to buy bullets
158
00:06:55,865 --> 00:06:59,767
because I'm sweating them.
Sheesh.
159
00:06:59,769 --> 00:07:01,019
MAN 1:
And we're clear.
160
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:02,186
[BELL RINGS]
161
00:07:02,188 --> 00:07:04,689
Okay, where's the guy
who said I was fat?
162
00:07:04,691 --> 00:07:06,724
MAN 2:
Right here.
163
00:07:08,827 --> 00:07:10,962
And apparently,
the props department
164
00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:13,330
has put real bullets
in our guns.
165
00:07:13,332 --> 00:07:14,999
Sorry about that.
166
00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:18,470
ANNOUNCER:
The Cleveland Show Live
will be right back.
167
00:07:23,492 --> 00:07:25,109
[CLEVELAND SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY]
168
00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:29,781
Robert and Rallo, places for
act two. Robert and Rallo.
169
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,148
[LAUGHING]
170
00:07:34,987 --> 00:07:37,154
[♪]
171
00:07:47,549 --> 00:07:49,216
Someone's coming, get ready.
172
00:07:50,735 --> 00:07:52,070
Honey, I'm--
Now.
173
00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:55,106
My tibias. Ah!
There's a sack on my head.
174
00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:56,975
Get it off, get if off,
get it off.
175
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,709
I think it's Cleveland.
176
00:07:58,711 --> 00:08:01,529
Or someone who sounds like
Cleveland sent here to fool us.
177
00:08:01,531 --> 00:08:03,164
CLEVELAND:
No, it's me.
178
00:08:03,166 --> 00:08:05,800
My fibulas.
179
00:08:05,802 --> 00:08:07,952
Donna, that man is--
180
00:08:10,789 --> 00:08:13,490
Sure is windy in here.
181
00:08:13,492 --> 00:08:15,960
Donna, that man
is a nuisance and a menace
182
00:08:15,962 --> 00:08:18,395
and he's putting our family
in danger.
183
00:08:18,397 --> 00:08:19,731
He has to go.
184
00:08:19,733 --> 00:08:24,401
The only Robert I want to see
around here is Julia Roberts.
185
00:08:26,021 --> 00:08:28,439
Look, Cleveland, Robert's
the father of my children.
186
00:08:28,441 --> 00:08:30,975
So unless you can come
up with another safe place,
187
00:08:30,977 --> 00:08:32,276
he's staying with us.
188
00:08:32,278 --> 00:08:34,111
Oh, but I was gonna do
189
00:08:34,113 --> 00:08:36,514
a makeup anniversary
dinner tonight.
190
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:38,383
I got filet mignon.
191
00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:41,118
I'm sorry, honey.
192
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:45,790
Oh, I guess I'll have to save
that filet for later.
193
00:08:45,792 --> 00:08:48,426
MAN:
Boo. I mean, yay.
194
00:08:53,382 --> 00:08:56,384
Man, Cleveland, you skipped
fun drunk and sad drunk
195
00:08:56,386 --> 00:08:58,219
and went straight
to angry drunk.
196
00:08:58,221 --> 00:08:59,620
You'd be angry too
197
00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:03,358
if your wife's ex-husband
was sleeping on your couch.
198
00:09:06,912 --> 00:09:08,712
MAN [WHISPERING]:
Houseguest. Sinbad.
199
00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:10,681
Housebad.
200
00:09:10,683 --> 00:09:11,966
Thank you.
201
00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:15,236
I just wish I could find
somewhere else for Robert to go.
202
00:09:15,238 --> 00:09:17,938
That guy living in my house
is more out of place
203
00:09:17,940 --> 00:09:20,541
than I would be as an
aristocratic woman
204
00:09:20,543 --> 00:09:22,743
in 18th century France.
205
00:09:24,646 --> 00:09:26,430
[BAROQUE MUSIC PLAYING
ON HARPSICORD]
206
00:09:31,069 --> 00:09:33,971
Warning, don't go
in the toilette.
207
00:09:33,973 --> 00:09:36,874
After eating all
those heavy French pastries
208
00:09:36,876 --> 00:09:41,012
I've turned the bidet
into a bi-don't.
209
00:09:43,965 --> 00:09:47,034
So, yeah, Robert
doesn't belong in my house.
210
00:09:47,036 --> 00:09:50,304
Look, Cleveland, Robert has come
to you in his time of need
211
00:09:50,306 --> 00:09:53,541
and you have to be a good
Christian and help him.
212
00:09:53,543 --> 00:09:57,344
I know it's hard but
you gotta just suck it off.
213
00:09:57,346 --> 00:09:58,379
Fine.
214
00:09:58,381 --> 00:10:00,748
If you're such
a good Christian, Tim,
215
00:10:00,750 --> 00:10:02,717
why don't you take him in?
216
00:10:02,719 --> 00:10:03,850
Me?
217
00:10:03,852 --> 00:10:07,088
It's not really a good time
for us, you know.
218
00:10:07,090 --> 00:10:09,923
A couple of periods ago,
Arianna went crazy
219
00:10:09,925 --> 00:10:11,858
and tore up the mattress
in the guest room.
220
00:10:11,860 --> 00:10:14,562
Hi, Jesus,
it's me, Cleveland.
221
00:10:14,564 --> 00:10:18,099
I know I haven't talked to you
since Donna's pregnancy scare
222
00:10:18,101 --> 00:10:21,335
but I need to tell you a little
something about my friend Tim,
223
00:10:21,337 --> 00:10:23,637
who I thought
was a good Christian.
224
00:10:23,639 --> 00:10:26,307
Oh, come on,
don't bust me to Jesus.
225
00:10:26,309 --> 00:10:28,008
Well?
226
00:10:28,010 --> 00:10:30,844
All right, I guess
I should papa what I preach.
227
00:10:32,214 --> 00:10:34,215
If you're going
to be hiding out with us,
228
00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:35,916
you must put on a shirt.
229
00:10:35,918 --> 00:10:38,119
Nobody wants to see
your pumped-up muscles
230
00:10:38,121 --> 00:10:39,620
and prison scars.
231
00:10:39,622 --> 00:10:43,124
What's wrong, you getting
turned on? You can't handle it?
232
00:10:43,126 --> 00:10:44,558
Oh, please.
233
00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,060
I wouldn't handle it
234
00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:48,729
wearing the thickest
of my gardening gloves.
235
00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:50,231
And put that out.
236
00:10:50,233 --> 00:10:52,967
This is a smoke-free household.
237
00:10:52,969 --> 00:10:55,853
Lady, you sure got
a lot of rules.
238
00:10:57,005 --> 00:10:58,589
[GROWLS]
239
00:10:58,591 --> 00:11:01,759
"Grr" yourself, bear bitch.
240
00:11:03,962 --> 00:11:06,697
Call me a bitch again.
241
00:11:14,155 --> 00:11:16,407
[WHISTLING]
242
00:11:21,547 --> 00:11:22,913
Brisk.
243
00:11:22,915 --> 00:11:25,899
Whoa, whose funeral
are you all dressed up for?
244
00:11:25,901 --> 00:11:28,318
Please, say my dentist.
245
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:29,654
That was an ad-lib.
246
00:11:29,656 --> 00:11:32,156
I should be getting paid
to write this show too.
247
00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:35,526
And y'all never got back to me
about directing that episode.
248
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:36,677
I'm dressed up
249
00:11:36,679 --> 00:11:38,646
because your mother and I
are finally having
250
00:11:38,648 --> 00:11:39,981
our anniversary dinner.
251
00:11:39,983 --> 00:11:41,983
Here, go see a movie.
252
00:11:41,985 --> 00:11:44,284
Nothing with boobs.
Aw.
253
00:11:44,286 --> 00:11:47,655
And nothing with elves.
Aw.
254
00:11:51,627 --> 00:11:53,244
Mm-mm.
255
00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:58,215
This place is dark, romantic
and smells like fondue,
256
00:11:58,217 --> 00:12:00,017
just like my man.
257
00:12:00,019 --> 00:12:02,586
Happy anniversa--
258
00:12:02,588 --> 00:12:08,092
Roberta, what a surprise to see
you here at this particular time
259
00:12:08,094 --> 00:12:10,328
and not entering
through the door
260
00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:12,629
but through this fourth wall
of our house.
261
00:12:12,631 --> 00:12:14,898
Well, I thought I'd stop by
262
00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:17,734
because apparently I've been
over at Tassie's
263
00:12:17,736 --> 00:12:20,071
for three days now.
264
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:21,439
Uh, you have?
265
00:12:21,441 --> 00:12:23,774
Yeah, but I guess somebody
didn't think of that
266
00:12:23,776 --> 00:12:27,678
when he cut my story
out of the show, remember?
267
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:30,914
Roberta takes
the debate team to regionals?
268
00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:33,651
Yeah, that was a laugh riot.
Set your VCR.
269
00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:36,320
Nobody uses VCRs anymore, fool.
270
00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:38,823
How do you play tapes?
271
00:12:40,074 --> 00:12:41,175
[GASPS]
272
00:12:42,810 --> 00:12:44,144
[CLEARS THROAT]
273
00:12:44,146 --> 00:12:46,646
I wonder who's at the door.
274
00:12:46,648 --> 00:12:48,048
Right now.
275
00:12:48,050 --> 00:12:49,316
[DOORBELL RINGS]
276
00:12:49,318 --> 00:12:51,235
Oh, it's Tim.
277
00:12:51,237 --> 00:12:53,337
Tim,
what are you doing here?
278
00:12:53,339 --> 00:12:55,072
Arianna. Robert.
279
00:12:55,074 --> 00:12:56,974
I-- I walked in on them.
280
00:12:56,976 --> 00:12:59,810
They were playing
Hide The Salman Rushdie.
281
00:12:59,812 --> 00:13:01,012
What?
282
00:13:01,014 --> 00:13:02,646
First, he did it regular style.
283
00:13:02,648 --> 00:13:04,949
And then he did it
like an NBA guy,
284
00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:08,352
right on top of our
Energy Star-qualified washer
285
00:13:08,354 --> 00:13:09,619
from Circuit City.
286
00:13:09,621 --> 00:13:11,405
Say, Tim,
how much does that
287
00:13:11,407 --> 00:13:13,640
Energy Star-qualified washer
288
00:13:13,642 --> 00:13:15,876
from Circuit City
tend to save you
289
00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:17,545
on your utility bills?
290
00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:20,548
As much as $200 a year.
291
00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:22,332
Not too shabby.
292
00:13:24,803 --> 00:13:28,105
Anyway, Arianna said
she doesn't love me anymore.
293
00:13:28,107 --> 00:13:30,041
She said Robert
is everything I'm not.
294
00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:31,742
Strong and virile,
295
00:13:31,744 --> 00:13:36,547
and he doesn't cry after,
so you know, yay for Robert.
296
00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:38,615
Cleveland,
this is your fault.
297
00:13:38,617 --> 00:13:41,068
You told him
to tear up my wife?
298
00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:44,905
No, sir, I wouldn't--
ROBERTA: Don't mind me.
299
00:13:44,907 --> 00:13:48,141
I'm just gonna start
my own after-party here.
300
00:13:48,143 --> 00:13:50,977
You know, because
the show's over for me
301
00:13:50,979 --> 00:13:54,281
since my
debate story got cut.
302
00:13:54,283 --> 00:13:55,449
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
303
00:13:55,451 --> 00:13:58,152
Roberta, I don't think
you should be drinking
304
00:13:58,154 --> 00:14:00,521
since you're only 15.
305
00:14:00,523 --> 00:14:03,324
I play 15, jackass.
306
00:14:03,326 --> 00:14:06,794
All right, seems
like Roberta's not feeling well
307
00:14:06,796 --> 00:14:09,296
so maybe she should go
to the doctor and--
308
00:14:09,298 --> 00:14:12,265
Maybe you
should go to hell.
309
00:14:12,267 --> 00:14:13,334
Don't you touch me.
310
00:14:13,336 --> 00:14:14,902
Okay, Settle down.
I'm a survivor.
311
00:14:14,904 --> 00:14:16,270
And you know why?
I can do it all.
312
00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:18,572
Live episode, remember,
this affects us.
313
00:14:18,574 --> 00:14:20,808
I'm every woman.
Studio execs are watching.
314
00:14:20,810 --> 00:14:23,243
I was in Hustle & Flow.
Wanna be in the movie?
315
00:14:23,245 --> 00:14:25,546
Back off, old man.
You might wanna play ball.
316
00:14:25,548 --> 00:14:28,081
Go to commercial.
Go to commercial.
317
00:14:31,319 --> 00:14:32,786
[♪]
318
00:14:36,458 --> 00:14:40,394
So Roberta, you told me
you have something to say?
319
00:14:40,396 --> 00:14:44,231
Yes, I would like to apologize
for my behavior earlier.
320
00:14:44,233 --> 00:14:47,568
Underage drinking is a major
problem in our society,
321
00:14:47,570 --> 00:14:49,069
one that is
in no way condoned
322
00:14:49,071 --> 00:14:53,006
by Fox Broadcasting Corporation
or its affiliates.
323
00:14:53,008 --> 00:14:56,443
As for those things I said,
I have a logical explanation.
324
00:14:56,445 --> 00:14:58,879
I ate some bad shrimp
and went crazy.
325
00:14:58,881 --> 00:15:00,881
But the last thing
you and Mom needed
326
00:15:00,883 --> 00:15:03,984
was someone else interrupting
your anniversary celebration
327
00:15:03,986 --> 00:15:06,653
when my dad, Robert,
already ruined it once.
328
00:15:06,655 --> 00:15:08,422
And who knows
what will happen now
329
00:15:08,424 --> 00:15:10,023
that Tim the Bear
has barged in
330
00:15:10,025 --> 00:15:13,627
to announce that his wife,
Arianna, had sex with Robert.
331
00:15:13,629 --> 00:15:16,797
Now, back to my friend
Tassie's house.
332
00:15:16,799 --> 00:15:19,232
Stay there
as long as you want.
333
00:15:19,234 --> 00:15:23,103
Boy, Tim,
this Arianna thing.
334
00:15:23,105 --> 00:15:25,839
Rough, rough stuff.
335
00:15:25,841 --> 00:15:27,975
Rough stuff.
336
00:15:27,977 --> 00:15:29,626
[SOBBING]
337
00:15:29,628 --> 00:15:32,613
Cleveland, can I talk to you
for a moment?
338
00:15:32,615 --> 00:15:35,348
I'm worried about Tim.
We've got to talk to Arianna.
339
00:15:35,350 --> 00:15:37,150
Man, it's all my fault
340
00:15:37,152 --> 00:15:39,319
for bringing Robert
into their lives.
341
00:15:39,321 --> 00:15:42,322
It sounds like he and Arianna
are getting freakier
342
00:15:42,324 --> 00:15:46,627
than the time I was a masseuse
at the Playboy Mansion.
343
00:15:52,117 --> 00:15:56,586
All right, which one of you
ladies should I lotion up?
344
00:15:56,588 --> 00:15:58,055
[GRUNTING]
345
00:16:00,692 --> 00:16:03,460
No, no. No funny.
346
00:16:03,462 --> 00:16:05,696
That was really bad.
347
00:16:05,698 --> 00:16:07,865
Are you okay, Cleveland?
Mr. Brown.
348
00:16:07,867 --> 00:16:11,601
Fine. Moving on.
349
00:16:11,603 --> 00:16:14,621
[DOORBELL RINGS]
350
00:16:14,623 --> 00:16:16,623
Oh, cracked it.
351
00:16:16,625 --> 00:16:18,258
Oh, it's cracked.
352
00:16:18,260 --> 00:16:19,593
[GROANS]
353
00:16:19,595 --> 00:16:22,896
Donna, if you're looking
for Robert, he's sleeping.
354
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:25,566
We were up till 4
in the morning.
355
00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:27,084
Well, he was up.
356
00:16:27,086 --> 00:16:28,685
That is innuendo.
357
00:16:28,687 --> 00:16:30,887
And he was in my end-o.
358
00:16:30,889 --> 00:16:32,823
Be that as it may,
359
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:35,125
Arianna, you need
to take Tim back.
360
00:16:35,127 --> 00:16:37,494
Being without you
has wrecked him.
361
00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:40,314
Speaking of rectum--
Wrecked him.
362
00:16:40,316 --> 00:16:41,682
Tim's a wreck.
363
00:16:41,684 --> 00:16:44,285
Arianna, what
you're doing is wrong.
364
00:16:44,287 --> 00:16:45,820
It's adultery.
365
00:16:45,822 --> 00:16:48,155
I mean, what if I told
your church friends?
366
00:16:48,157 --> 00:16:51,542
That a self-righteous Christian
is actually a hypocrite?
367
00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:53,444
Alert the media.
368
00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:54,762
But how can you throw away
369
00:16:54,764 --> 00:16:57,631
this whole unremarkable life
you have with Tim?
370
00:16:57,633 --> 00:16:58,832
It's easy.
371
00:16:58,834 --> 00:17:02,936
Robert is amazing in bed.
He's wild and adventurous
372
00:17:02,938 --> 00:17:06,573
and his technique
is almost magical.
373
00:17:06,575 --> 00:17:08,142
The way he kisses your ear
374
00:17:08,144 --> 00:17:10,544
and brings you right
up to the edge
375
00:17:10,546 --> 00:17:12,813
and then at exactly
the right moment--
376
00:17:12,815 --> 00:17:15,182
He bites down
and it's pain and pleasure
377
00:17:15,184 --> 00:17:16,850
and a thousand volts
of electricity
378
00:17:16,852 --> 00:17:19,553
shoot through
every inch of your body.
379
00:17:21,073 --> 00:17:22,973
He never helped
with the dishes, though.
380
00:17:22,975 --> 00:17:25,909
Game, set and match.
381
00:17:25,911 --> 00:17:28,679
[♪]
382
00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:35,736
Tim, if you want Arianna back,
you have to fight for her.
383
00:17:35,738 --> 00:17:39,339
Oh, no, I'm not fighting Robert.
I got priors, man.
384
00:17:39,341 --> 00:17:40,340
Tim, listen to me.
385
00:17:40,342 --> 00:17:41,675
You don't have to fight him.
386
00:17:41,677 --> 00:17:43,810
You just need
to stand up for yourself.
387
00:17:43,812 --> 00:17:46,513
Arianna wants somebody
who's strong.
388
00:17:46,515 --> 00:17:50,850
You have to be manly like
a Latino man or an Italian man
389
00:17:50,852 --> 00:17:52,619
or a German woman.
390
00:17:52,621 --> 00:17:55,855
All right, then. She wants
manly, I'll give her manly
391
00:17:55,857 --> 00:17:57,924
up the old wazoo.
392
00:17:57,926 --> 00:18:01,461
Why don't we take the road
less traveled?
393
00:18:01,463 --> 00:18:04,865
They tracked me here. You gotta
find a place for me to hide.
394
00:18:04,867 --> 00:18:07,985
Wait, Bob, take me with you.
395
00:18:07,987 --> 00:18:10,554
I still have four nipples
you haven't touched.
396
00:18:10,556 --> 00:18:12,889
Damn, this bitch got
a lot of nipples.
397
00:18:12,891 --> 00:18:13,773
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
398
00:18:13,775 --> 00:18:16,376
Oh, no, it's all over.
399
00:18:16,378 --> 00:18:19,813
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
400
00:18:19,815 --> 00:18:22,015
Wait a minute, who are you?
401
00:18:22,017 --> 00:18:25,952
I'm his parole officer,
Julia Robertson.
402
00:18:27,422 --> 00:18:31,658
I may look like a pretty woman
but I'm a steel magnolia,
403
00:18:31,660 --> 00:18:34,461
and I eat, pray, love being
a parole officer
404
00:18:34,463 --> 00:18:37,163
even when I have to miss
my best friend's wedding
405
00:18:37,165 --> 00:18:39,700
to track down a runaway bride.
406
00:18:39,702 --> 00:18:41,769
I was also in The Pelican Brief.
407
00:18:41,771 --> 00:18:43,437
Parole officer?
408
00:18:43,439 --> 00:18:45,639
This whole time,
you've been running scared
409
00:18:45,641 --> 00:18:47,474
from your parole officer?
410
00:18:47,476 --> 00:18:49,777
Resolved, bitches.
411
00:18:49,779 --> 00:18:51,845
Oh, fluff me.
412
00:18:51,847 --> 00:18:55,983
I said resolved,
it's a debate term.
413
00:18:55,985 --> 00:18:57,818
MAN:
Camera two.
414
00:18:57,820 --> 00:19:00,254
Uh-- So this whole time,
Robert, you've be--
415
00:19:00,256 --> 00:19:01,771
Don't you cut away from me.
416
00:19:01,773 --> 00:19:03,991
Judges of this debate final.
MAN: Adjust left.
417
00:19:03,993 --> 00:19:06,326
Title IX legislation
MAN: Tighter, tighter.
418
00:19:06,328 --> 00:19:08,212
has given the girls
of this nation
419
00:19:08,214 --> 00:19:10,747
confidence and self-esteem.
MAN: Get off her.
420
00:19:10,749 --> 00:19:13,033
ROBERTA:
As former vice-presidential
candidate...
421
00:19:13,035 --> 00:19:14,701
MAN:
Camera two.
422
00:19:14,703 --> 00:19:17,170
ROBERTA:
...Ferraro said,
opportunity is not a privilege.
423
00:19:17,172 --> 00:19:18,806
MAN:
Screw it, just let her talk.
424
00:19:18,808 --> 00:19:21,809
It's a right.
425
00:19:21,811 --> 00:19:25,162
And that is why
your story was cut.
426
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,814
Trying to keep me out
of the show.
427
00:19:27,816 --> 00:19:31,068
I am the damn show.
428
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:33,620
DONNA:
Someone get the medic!
429
00:19:33,622 --> 00:19:35,639
TIM:
Save America's favorite smile!
430
00:19:35,641 --> 00:19:37,207
There goes the Emmy.
431
00:19:37,209 --> 00:19:39,476
Give us some room, people.
432
00:19:40,545 --> 00:19:42,279
Hey, now that Arianna's here,
433
00:19:42,281 --> 00:19:43,680
it's your chance
to win her back.
434
00:19:43,682 --> 00:19:46,250
MAN: We've only got 60 seconds.
What?
435
00:19:46,252 --> 00:19:48,252
MAN:
Fifty-eight seconds,
need to wrap it up.
436
00:19:48,254 --> 00:19:50,054
Damn Roberta,
wasting our time--
437
00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:52,689
MAN: Fifty-six seconds.
Okay, okay, here's what happens.
438
00:19:52,691 --> 00:19:55,992
Tim stands up to Robert, which
makes Arianna see him as a man,
439
00:19:55,994 --> 00:19:57,594
or a bear or whatever.
440
00:19:57,596 --> 00:19:59,663
And Robert realizes
his parole officer
441
00:19:59,665 --> 00:20:02,533
just wanted to tell him
to spend more time with his son.
442
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:04,000
So he takes Rallo bowling
443
00:20:04,002 --> 00:20:07,104
and Cleveland Jr. goes along too
because they have cheese fries,
444
00:20:07,106 --> 00:20:09,139
which means Donna
and I are finally free
445
00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:10,907
to have our romantic dinner.
446
00:20:10,909 --> 00:20:12,409
Romantic dinner, quick.
447
00:20:15,447 --> 00:20:17,915
[♪]
448
00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:19,716
Happy anniversary, Donna.
449
00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:21,518
You brought a lot
of craziness into my life
450
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,119
but I wouldn't have
it any other way.
451
00:20:23,121 --> 00:20:24,387
MEDIC:
Clear.
452
00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:26,457
I love you, Cleveland.
453
00:20:26,459 --> 00:20:27,791
MEDIC:
Clear.
454
00:20:27,793 --> 00:20:29,860
I love you, Donna.
455
00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:31,995
MEDIC: Call it.
Eight fifty-eight.
456
00:20:31,997 --> 00:20:33,330
We did it.
457
00:20:33,332 --> 00:20:36,900
We really did it.
We pulled it off live.
458
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:38,284
All right.
459
00:20:38,286 --> 00:20:40,170
[CHEERING]
460
00:20:41,706 --> 00:20:44,124
[PLAYING SOFT MUSIC]
461
00:20:44,126 --> 00:20:46,076
All right, that's all we got.
Whoo!
462
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:47,644
To my amazing crew,
463
00:20:47,646 --> 00:20:49,513
sorry I've been stressed
out this week
464
00:20:49,515 --> 00:20:50,981
and yelled
at those PAs earlier,
465
00:20:50,983 --> 00:20:52,449
and shot that guy
in the audience.
466
00:20:52,451 --> 00:20:54,151
You know it comes
from a good place.
467
00:20:54,153 --> 00:20:57,654
I'd like to thank Fox and,
of course, Seth and Julia Rob--
468
00:20:57,656 --> 00:20:59,323
Sorry,
the late Julia Roberts.
469
00:20:59,325 --> 00:21:02,226
There's one more star in heaven.
9/11 was an inside job.
470
00:21:02,228 --> 00:21:03,893
Good night, everybody.
471
00:21:08,366 --> 00:21:10,334
[♪]