ANNOUNCER: December 17, 1989.
History is made.
America says hello
to the first non-prehistoric family
in primetime animation.
[BART SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
January 12, 1997.
History isn't done.
King of the Hill premieres,
taking America by light drizzle.
HANK: I sell propane.
ANNOUNCER: January 31, 1999.
Knock-knock. Who's there?
It's history again as Family Guy premieres.
[STEWIE SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
And then history makes its first mistake in history.
It cancels Family Guy.
August 12, 2004.
Eric Hammel, a misogynistic pothead loner from Cincinnati
walks into a store and buys a Family Guy DVD.
History is listening.
American Dad! is also a show.
But tonight, the biggest history
in the history of history will be made.
Because, for the first time ever,
primetime animation will be going
live.
From Fox Studios, in Century City, California,
it's the first-ever live telecast of an animated series.
This is The Cleveland Show Live,
with special guest star, Julia Roberts.
Brought to you by Circuit City.
Circuit City, there's one left. Come find us.
Featuring the Walter Murphy Orchestra.
And now, an overweight, bumbling cartoon dad,
Cleveland Brown.
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
♪ And I am proud to be
♪ Right back for season two
♪ With my new family
Ladies and gentlemen, the original Solid Gold Dancers.
♪ There's old friends And new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear
♪ Through good times And bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place
♪ Where I don't take no jive ♪
♪ Screw The Amazing Race ♪
♪ You're watching Cleveland Live ♪
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Thank you.
[CHEERING]
Whoop, here I is.
That's gonna be my new catchphrase for season two.
Mine's gonna be "Teddy bear picnic."
You know what? Forget it.
Catchphrases are stupid.
Party over here.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Boys, I--
Boys, I need--
Boys, I need you to go pack your things.
You'll be spending the night at Robert's apartment.
Dad's place? All right.
I bet he takes me to the outdoor mall
so I can drum on buckets for change.
[SCATTING]
Now, that's funky.
Dad, are we being sent to Robert's to scare us straight?
No, I paid Robert to watch you
so Donna and I can have the place to ourselves.
It's our first anniversary
and I've planned a big romantic dinner,
which could very well lead
to slow dancing, the recitation of love poetry
and other things that are too taboo to be discussed.
[CHUCKLES]
If I were Bernie Mac
I'd be sitting in a chair right now
telling America how stupid you are.
Miss you, Bernie.
Hey, Roberta, are you staying at your deadbeat dad's too?
Please, if I wanted to breathe toxic mold and get flea bites
I'd date Zach Galifianakis.
It's gonna happen one way or the other.
Roberta's staying at her friend Tassie's house.
You know, the Iranian one.
Because ayatollah her to get lost.
[LAUGHS]
No, but it's gonna work out great.
Donna's gonna be so supr--
MAN: You're fat.
You know what else is fat?
Rudeness.
[♪]
Hey, you kids like games, right?
Well, I got a fun one for you.
It's called Open the Box, Take Out the DVD Player
Put a Brick Where it Was, And Then Tape it Back Up.
And then we can build a wall out of the DVD players. Yay!
[TIRES SCREECH]
Oh, no, they found me.
Quick, move. Out the back window.
Man, we're three stories up.
It's okay, the dumpster will break our fall.
But I'm scared, Daddy.
I'm not your daddy, fool. Let's split.
Here I go.
[CLATTERING]
To infinity and beyond.
[CLATTERING]
Guess it's my turn.
[YELLS]
[CLATTERING]
[♪]
Anthony.
Let's see, I'll sit here
and I guess the most natural thing would be
for Donna to sit next to me also facing in that direction.
You can come in now, Donna.
Cleveland, you made all this?
And you're gonna clean it all up by yourself afterwards?
Whatever.
Now, let's get to work
on making those legs wobbly.
Look at me, I'm totally nude.
Looks like I've got some catching up to do
behind this pillar we've always had.
MAN: Boobs.
Eek! Robert?
There's some bad stuff going down. Real bad.
These people don't mess around.
I'm gonna have to lay low here for a couple of days.
No, absolutely not.
It's our first anniversary, the paper anniversary.
I was gonna give her an index card on which I'd written:
"I'd marry you all over again."
Wait a minute, there's no reason I still can't give it to you.
Here you go.
Aw.
WOMAN: You got a good one, girl.
[GROANING]
Please, don't let my daddy get killed, Cleveland.
You can't be my only male role model.
I'll grow up to be an overweight gay loser.
That's crazy talk, sugar.
Cleveland, he's in a lot of trouble.
We don't have a choice.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, looks like C-Brown just got C-blocked.
Time to get strapped, doughboy.
Pardon me? Get your gun ready.
I don't have a gun.
I used to live here. We got guns everywhere.
Flip the couch.
I don't even need to buy bullets
because I'm sweating them. Sheesh.
MAN 1: And we're clear.
[BELL RINGS]
Okay, where's the guy who said I was fat?
MAN 2: Right here.
And apparently, the props department
has put real bullets in our guns.
Sorry about that.
ANNOUNCER: The Cleveland Show Live will be right back.
[CLEVELAND SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Robert and Rallo, places for act two. Robert and Rallo.
[LAUGHING]
[♪]
Someone's coming, get ready.
Honey, I'm-- Now.
My tibias. Ah! There's a sack on my head.
Get it off, get if off, get it off.
I think it's Cleveland.
Or someone who sounds like Cleveland sent here to fool us.
CLEVELAND: No, it's me.
My fibulas.
Donna, that man is--
Sure is windy in here.
Donna, that man is a nuisance and a menace
and he's putting our family in danger.
He has to go.
The only Robert I want to see around here is Julia Roberts.
Look, Cleveland, Robert's the father of my children.
So unless you can come up with another safe place,
he's staying with us.
Oh, but I was gonna do
a makeup anniversary dinner tonight.
I got filet mignon.
I'm sorry, honey.
Oh, I guess I'll have to save that filet for later.
MAN: Boo. I mean, yay.
Man, Cleveland, you skipped fun drunk and sad drunk
and went straight to angry drunk.
You'd be angry too
if your wife's ex-husband was sleeping on your couch.
MAN [WHISPERING]: Houseguest. Sinbad.
Housebad.
Thank you.
I just wish I could find somewhere else for Robert to go.
That guy living in my house is more out of place
than I would be as an aristocratic woman
in 18th century France.
[BAROQUE MUSIC PLAYING ON HARPSICORD]
Warning, don't go in the toilette.
After eating all those heavy French pastries
I've turned the bidet into a bi-don't.
So, yeah, Robert doesn't belong in my house.
Look, Cleveland, Robert has come to you in his time of need
and you have to be a good Christian and help him.
I know it's hard but you gotta just suck it off.
Fine.
If you're such a good Christian, Tim,
why don't you take him in?
Me?
It's not really a good time for us, you know.
A couple of periods ago, Arianna went crazy
and tore up the mattress in the guest room.
Hi, Jesus, it's me, Cleveland.
I know I haven't talked to you since Donna's pregnancy scare
but I need to tell you a little something about my friend Tim,
who I thought was a good Christian.
Oh, come on, don't bust me to Jesus.
Well?
All right, I guess I should papa what I preach.
If you're going to be hiding out with us,
you must put on a shirt.
Nobody wants to see your pumped-up muscles
and prison scars.
What's wrong, you getting turned on? You can't handle it?
Oh, please.
I wouldn't handle it
wearing the thickest of my gardening gloves.
And put that out.
This is a smoke-free household.
Lady, you sure got a lot of rules.
[GROWLS]
"Grr" yourself, bear bitch.
Call me a bitch again.
[WHISTLING]
Brisk.
Whoa, whose funeral are you all dressed up for?
Please, say my dentist.
That was an ad-lib.
I should be getting paid to write this show too.
And y'all never got back to me about directing that episode.
I'm dressed up
because your mother and I are finally having
our anniversary dinner.
Here, go see a movie.
Nothing with boobs. Aw.
And nothing with elves. Aw.
Mm-mm.
This place is dark, romantic and smells like fondue,
just like my man.
Happy anniversa--
Roberta, what a surprise to see you here at this particular time
and not entering through the door
but through this fourth wall of our house.
Well, I thought I'd stop by
because apparently I've been over at Tassie's
for three days now.
Uh, you have?
Yeah, but I guess somebody didn't think of that
when he cut my story out of the show, remember?
Roberta takes the debate team to regionals?
Yeah, that was a laugh riot. Set your VCR.
Nobody uses VCRs anymore, fool.
How do you play tapes?
[GASPS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
I wonder who's at the door.
Right now.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, it's Tim.
Tim, what are you doing here?
Arianna. Robert.
I-- I walked in on them.
They were playing Hide The Salman Rushdie.
What?
First, he did it regular style.
And then he did it like an NBA guy,
right on top of our Energy Star-qualified washer
from Circuit City.
Say, Tim, how much does that
Energy Star-qualified washer
from Circuit City tend to save you
on your utility bills?
As much as $200 a year.
Not too shabby.
Anyway, Arianna said she doesn't love me anymore.
She said Robert is everything I'm not.
Strong and virile,
and he doesn't cry after, so you know, yay for Robert.
Cleveland, this is your fault.
You told him to tear up my wife?
No, sir, I wouldn't-- ROBERTA: Don't mind me.
I'm just gonna start my own after-party here.
You know, because the show's over for me
since my debate story got cut.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
Roberta, I don't think you should be drinking
since you're only 15.
I play 15, jackass.
All right, seems like Roberta's not feeling well
so maybe she should go to the doctor and--
Maybe you should go to hell.
Don't you touch me.
Okay, Settle down. I'm a survivor.
And you know why? I can do it all.
Live episode, remember, this affects us.
I'm every woman. Studio execs are watching.
I was in Hustle & Flow. Wanna be in the movie?
Back off, old man. You might wanna play ball.
Go to commercial. Go to commercial.
[♪]
So Roberta, you told me you have something to say?
Yes, I would like to apologize for my behavior earlier.
Underage drinking is a major problem in our society,
one that is in no way condoned
by Fox Broadcasting Corporation or its affiliates.
As for those things I said, I have a logical explanation.
I ate some bad shrimp and went crazy.
But the last thing you and Mom needed
was someone else interrupting your anniversary celebration
when my dad, Robert, already ruined it once.
And who knows what will happen now
that Tim the Bear has barged in
to announce that his wife, Arianna, had sex with Robert.
Now, back to my friend Tassie's house.
Stay there as long as you want.
Boy, Tim, this Arianna thing.
Rough, rough stuff.
Rough stuff.
[SOBBING]
Cleveland, can I talk to you for a moment?
I'm worried about Tim. We've got to talk to Arianna.
Man, it's all my fault
for bringing Robert into their lives.
It sounds like he and Arianna are getting freakier
than the time I was a masseuse at the Playboy Mansion.
All right, which one of you ladies should I lotion up?
[GRUNTING]
No, no. No funny.
That was really bad.
Are you okay, Cleveland? Mr. Brown.
Fine. Moving on.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, cracked it.
Oh, it's cracked.
[GROANS]
Donna, if you're looking for Robert, he's sleeping.
We were up till 4 in the morning.
Well, he was up.
That is innuendo.
And he was in my end-o.
Be that as it may,
Arianna, you need to take Tim back.
Being without you has wrecked him.
Speaking of rectum-- Wrecked him.
Tim's a wreck.
Arianna, what you're doing is wrong.
It's adultery.
I mean, what if I told your church friends?
That a self-righteous Christian is actually a hypocrite?
Alert the media.
But how can you throw away
this whole unremarkable life you have with Tim?
It's easy.
Robert is amazing in bed. He's wild and adventurous
and his technique is almost magical.
The way he kisses your ear
and brings you right up to the edge
and then at exactly the right moment--
He bites down and it's pain and pleasure
and a thousand volts of electricity
shoot through every inch of your body.
He never helped with the dishes, though.
Game, set and match.
[♪]
Tim, if you want Arianna back, you have to fight for her.
Oh, no, I'm not fighting Robert. I got priors, man.
Tim, listen to me.
You don't have to fight him.
You just need to stand up for yourself.
Arianna wants somebody who's strong.
You have to be manly like a Latino man or an Italian man
or a German woman.
All right, then. She wants manly, I'll give her manly
up the old wazoo.
Why don't we take the road less traveled?
They tracked me here. You gotta find a place for me to hide.
Wait, Bob, take me with you.
I still have four nipples you haven't touched.
Damn, this bitch got a lot of nipples.
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
Oh, no, it's all over.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Wait a minute, who are you?
I'm his parole officer, Julia Robertson.
I may look like a pretty woman but I'm a steel magnolia,
and I eat, pray, love being a parole officer
even when I have to miss my best friend's wedding
to track down a runaway bride.
I was also in The Pelican Brief.
Parole officer?
This whole time, you've been running scared
from your parole officer?
Resolved, bitches.
Oh, fluff me.
I said resolved, it's a debate term.
MAN: Camera two.
Uh-- So this whole time, Robert, you've be--
Don't you cut away from me.
Judges of this debate final. MAN: Adjust left.
Title IX legislation MAN: Tighter, tighter.
has given the girls of this nation
confidence and self-esteem. MAN: Get off her.
ROBERTA: As former vice-presidential candidate...
MAN: Camera two.
ROBERTA: ...Ferraro said, opportunity is not a privilege.
MAN: Screw it, just let her talk.
It's a right.
And that is why your story was cut.
Trying to keep me out of the show.
I am the damn show.
DONNA: Someone get the medic!
TIM: Save America's favorite smile!
There goes the Emmy.
Give us some room, people.
Hey, now that Arianna's here,
it's your chance to win her back.
MAN: We've only got 60 seconds. What?
MAN: Fifty-eight seconds, need to wrap it up.
Damn Roberta, wasting our time--
MAN: Fifty-six seconds. Okay, okay, here's what happens.
Tim stands up to Robert, which makes Arianna see him as a man,
or a bear or whatever.
And Robert realizes his parole officer
just wanted to tell him to spend more time with his son.
So he takes Rallo bowling
and Cleveland Jr. goes along too because they have cheese fries,
which means Donna and I are finally free
to have our romantic dinner.
Romantic dinner, quick.
[♪]
Happy anniversary, Donna.
You brought a lot of craziness into my life
but I wouldn't have it any other way.
MEDIC: Clear.
I love you, Cleveland.
MEDIC: Clear.
I love you, Donna.
MEDIC: Call it. Eight fifty-eight.
We did it.
We really did it. We pulled it off live.
All right.
[CHEERING]
[PLAYING SOFT MUSIC]
All right, that's all we got. Whoo!
To my amazing crew,
sorry I've been stressed out this week
and yelled at those PAs earlier,
and shot that guy in the audience.
You know it comes from a good place.
I'd like to thank Fox and, of course, Seth and Julia Rob--
Sorry, the late Julia Roberts.
There's one more star in heaven. 9/11 was an inside job.
Good night, everybody.
[♪]