♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
♪ And I am proud to be
♪ Right back In my hometown ♪
♪ With my new family
♪ There's old friends And new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear
♪ Through good times And bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place
♪ Where everyone will know
♪ My happy mustache face
♪ This is The Cleveland Show ♪
[LAUGHS]
[♪]
Love the pool, Cleveland.
Yeah, who says pools need to--?
Need to be in the ground or look nice?
I went into the Tar-zhay
to get some medicated arch supports
and I walked out with this sweet-ass pool.
You walked out with this whole pool?
Fit in my trunk.
Water not included.
[PANTING]
Nine rings. New record.
Opened my eyes too. No goggles. No regrets.
You getting in, Junior?
No. I don't like to take my shirt off
in front of people on account of my Frisbee nips.
Mine has grown together so they look like the MasterCard logo.
Heh-heh. Priceless.
[BOTH SIGH]
[♪]
[YELLS]
Roberta, I don't mean to embarrass you
or sound old-fashioned
but ye maidenhood showeth.
My what? Your...
You know what? It doesn't matter. You're doomed.
Ow! Bitch! My bad.
From where I was standing,
it looked like I was throwing to a man.
Rallo, what did I tell you
about getting too close to this pool?
Calm down, Donna. The boy's just trying to have some fun.
Don't tell me to calm down.
I told you I think this pool is dangerous.
It's like now we've got two loaded guns in the house.
Hey, is that Djimon Hounsou?
Where?
[SCREAMS]
Ha, ha. Now you gotta change your clothes.
And get your hair done.
And get a new cell phone.
[JUNIOR SNORING]
Junior's been snoring every night this week, Cleveland.
Why don't you just go in there and wake him up?
I would, but he started locking his door at night
because he's scared of the rock band KISS.
He saw them on American Idol and thinks they're real.
Cleveland, he is 14 years old. I know.
Well, I read in Reactionary Parent Magazine
that sometimes snoring is a symptom
of serious health problems.
Snoring is?
RALLO: Stop making so much noise, you fat loser.
He can't help it, Rallo.
RALLO: I wasn't talking to him.
Oh, I'm sorry, good night.
I make so much noise sometimes. Stupid.
[♪]
Here, put these Band-Aids in your pocket.
But, Daddy, that's stealing. They're free. Hurry.
Junior, your tests are back and it appears you have
one of the most overdiagnosed childhood disorders in America,
sleep apnea.
But you really have it. Probably.
I think a light diet and losing a few pounds should solve this.
And what I imagine are countless other problems in your life.
Doctor, Junior's been on a "light diet" for years.
Yeah, what else you got?
Well, there is something called a CPAP machine.
Here you go. Cool. Heh-heh.
I'm Jacques Cousteau. Ow.
Hey, those aren't your Band-Aids.
Ah! Junior. Stealing?
[♪]
Good morning, family. Oh, sweet Lord.
How'd you sleep, Junior? Better than ever.
I'm alert, I have tons of energy,
and my poo came out with no tears.
I feel so good, I'm gonna wear this mask to school today.
Junior, I don't want you to embarrass yourself
by wearing that to school.
But if you're going to, at least take off your underwear
so no one can pull it over your head.
Okay.
One problem at a time, Donna.
[♪]
[PANTING]
["POPEYE" THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[ALL LAUGH]
Look, everybody, it's Robohog.
Hey, it's Optimus Prime Rib.
[ALL LAUGH]
Get it? Because in that mask, you look like a fat robot.
[ALL LAUGH]
No, I got it.
But I need my mask to breathe properly.
Breathe properly?
What are you, gay for oxygen?
Derek, we all need oxygen.
Yeah, man. Stick to the fat jokes.
Fine.
What's up, fatty? [ALL LAUGH]
He's back.
Why so blue, Junior?
I got made fun of because of my fat problem.
I'm sorry to hear that.
[WHIMPERING]
You want a piece of pizza?
Oh, sure. Thank you.
You know, it seems like us heavy-sets
are the only group you're allowed to make fun of anymore.
Well, us and even the smartest of the Polish.
There should be a hate crime law for people like us.
Or a weight crime law.
That's it. If we got a law passed
to protect us from ridicule
all our problems would be solved.
Then it's settled.
We're doing it. Thanks, Miss Kendra.
Now, give me a hug.
[GROANING]
Cleveland, we are completely out of graham crackers.
Will you keep an eye on Rallo while I run to the store?
Make sure he stays out of the pool.
Cleveland. Cleveland, do you hear me?
Yes, Donna. Lou Ferrigno could hear you.
[♪]
He drops back. Oh, he sees an opening and he takes-- Oh!
Help, I can't swim!
Somebody help me!
[♪]
CLEVELAND: Oh, my God, no!
They're doing another season of The Bachelor?
Mm. This world.
[♪]
Wait a minute, I don't remember buying a coaster
shaped like a dead kid!
Rallo, my angel.
Oh, can you hear me?
Oh, God, if you die, I am never getting laid again.
[GRUNTS]
Ugh. I should have done this before the plunger.
I gotta bury the body.
[COUGHING]
Even better.
Rallo, are you okay?
You saved my life, old man.
From now on, you need anything, you come to me.
Oh, I don't need anything from you.
Other than to never mention this to your mother.
Why not? You're a hero.
Yes, but, Rallo,
if your mother finds out you were running around this pool,
ooh-hoo, boy, will she be mad at you.
She might even ban you from the pool completely.
A hero and a genius.
I won't say a word.
But I will never forget this,
like E.T. never forgot Elliott.
[RINGS]
Hello? E.T.: E.T. phone Elliott?
Oh, hey.
What's up?
Nothing since we talked yesterday.
Do you still have that bike?
Again, no, E.T.
I don't still have the bike I had when I was 10.
What about the blanket?
Nope, no blanket either.
Listen, I gotta go, E.T.
Elliott!
What? Hi.
[ALL CHATTERING]
My name is Cleveland Brown Jr., and I'm here to recruit you.
For too long, this world has marginalized
and ridiculed fat people,
assuming that just because our feet are often numb
that we don't have feelings.
But they're wrong!
My name is Kendra Krinklesac.
And our ballot measure guarantees equality
for all obese heterosexuals.
[SOBBING]
Hey, it'll be okay.
We'll vote for this one and then in time...
In time.
Glad I lived to do this for you, old man.
Because I saved you. I saved you. Mm-hm.
Yes, I did. Yes, I did.
Cleveland, how many times do I have to tell you
not to leave your baseball cards spread out all over our bed?
I was seeing which guys I had and which guys I need.
Cleveland, how many times do--? Hold up.
You need to treat this man with the respect he deserves.
Uh, uh... Excuse me?
No, Cleveland, she needs to hear.
This man's a hero. He saved--
Money on car insurance with GEICO. Ha-ha-ha. Get it?
What the hell are you talking about?
Hey, I almost forgot, Djimon Hounsou's in the front yard.
Really?
[SIGHS]
You were supposed to be watching me the other day
when I fell in the pool, weren't you?
Yes, I was. Yes, I was.
And I almost drowned? Mm-hm.
You realize I own you now, right?
That you do, yes.
Empty your pockets so I can take what I want.
Dang.
Well, well, well, what have we here?
That's my grandfather's pocket watch.
I think you mean my pocket watch.
There is no way on God's Earth
I am letting you have that watch.
Aah! Cleveland wasn't watching me and I almost drowned
in his white-trash-above-ground pool.
Here, take the watch, you little hombitch.
All right. I love this watch.
It's classy.
[IN ENGLISH ACCENT] What time is it, you say?
A quarter past the hour.
[♪]
So, Cleveland and Lester,
how does it feel to have your son and wife
be the laughingstock of our town?
Shut up, Eraserhead.
Laughingstock? What are you talking about?
According to the news, Junior and Kendra
are the king and queen of the fatties.
[ALL LAUGHING]
I boned a fat chick once as a goof.
Had to date her for eight months before she let me. Fell in love.
Asked her to marry me. She said no.
Said she boned a short guy as a goof.
Pfft. Chicks aren't funny.
Uh, drink up, fellas.
You don't wanna be sober when you walk into that booth
and see your names associated
with the grossest thing on Earth.
Fat people. Prolapsed rectums.
Hey! Prolapsed rectums are not funny!
[♪]
Shh, shh. It's coming. It's results time.
I wish I could cross my fingers.
ANNOUNCER: Here now with the news, Dwayne Meighan.
Good evening. I'm Dwayne Meighan.
Today was the day when they had an election.
Everybody went and said what they had
about a measure called the Brown-Krinklesac
for the fat people or the fat individual.
They had people that you were signed your name on a sheet
and then you could say yes or no and that was for you
but everybody got to say yes or no.
At this juncture, several people on a voluntary basis
had counted what they had called a ballot
that was what they had said yes or no.
They had made one pile for yes
and another pile for those who said no.
Both piles where then counted, double-checked
as the result of which was made official.
Word had been the measure had actually been defeated.
[BOTH SIGH]
I'm sorry, Junior.
They had a camera out
at what they had called a polling place earlier
with my friend Larvell.
Larvell?
Um, I'm actually at the polling place
and, um, there were so many had--
Some guys-- Hey, wait, here are some guys--
Hey, guys, did y'all vote on Brown-Krinklesac?
Yeah. These guys voted.
Hey, how did y'all vote?
We both voted, "Hell, no."
That's right. N-O. No.
So suck on that, fatties.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
I think we're in big trouble, Lester.
That is until we disappear.
[SCREAMING]
Seems like that's the story now. Hmm.
You know, Miss Kendra,
right now, I weigh more than I ever have in my whole life.
And yet I've never felt smaller. That's beautiful.
You know what's ironical, Junior?
Nothing. Ironical isn't a word.
Nothing is ironical, but go ahead.
I was just gonna say that all I wanted was to be accepted,
but now I feel more left out than ever.
That's beautiful too.
Even though it's kind of exactly what I just said.
And it wasn't just our families.
This whole town is full of skinny jerks.
You know what? We don't need them.
There's got to be some place better than this.
Where people are free to be who they are.
Where a person is judged not by the size of their belly
but by the color of their skin.
Huh? Screw Stoolbend.
We're hitting the road, Junior.
Yay!
[STEPPENWOLF'S "BORN TO BE WILD" PLAYING]
♪ Get your motor runnin' ♪
♪ Head out on the highway
♪ Lookin' for adventure ♪
♪ In whatever comes our way
♪ Yeah, darling Go and make it happen ♪
♪ Take the world in--
♪ Born to be wild
What are you doing, man? Where's my Kool-Aid?
Rallo, I've been busting my butt following your orders all day.
I just finished ironing your clothes
and painting that Eazy-E mural over your bed.
I'm exhausted. Give me a minute.
A minute? Oh, is that how long I was unconscious
or was it longer?
Now, get out of that pool and make me a Kool-Aid.
You're crazy!
No, I'm just bigger than you.
You're 5 years old and I'm not gonna let you
order me around my own house anymore.
But you almost killed me!
No, you almost killed you.
I just wasn't paying attention.
And I should've been.
I'm truly sorry.
Aah! What was that for?
That was for making me eat a stick.
We straight? Y-Y-Yeah, w-we straight.
Good. I love you, Rallo.
Now, learn to swim. The river's that way.
Yes, sir.
Man, I got this parenting thing down.
Hm. Haven't seen Junior in a couple days.
[♪]
You had me kick in for gas money,
but I notice this runs on electricity.
Hmm?
[BABBLING]
Junior, I think I see something just over this hill.
I've heard tell, but I never knew it was real.
They call it Wisconsin.
[♪]
[LAUGHING]
[ALL CLAMORING]
[MOOS]
Look at me. I'm walking again.
[GRUNTS]
Hey, you folks, wanna try some crazy butter?
What's that?
It's three sticks of butter in a mug
with melted cheese on top.
Hells, yeah, I want that crazy butter.
[QUEEN'S "FAT BOTTOMED GIRLS" PLAYING]
♪ Oh, won't you take me Home tonight? ♪
♪ Oh, down beside Your red firelight ♪
[GULPING]
♪ Oh, and you give it All you got ♪
♪ Fat bottomed girls
♪ You make the rockin' world Go round ♪
♪ Hey, listen here
♪ Fat bottomed girls
♪ You make the rockin' world Go round ♪
[♪]
[VOICES CHATTERING]
[BOTH PANTING]
I thought eating anything and everything
would solve all my problems,
but maybe the eating
is a symptom of other problems.
You just blew my mind.
Out of my way, large sir. Move it.
Oh, everybody's sticky.
Dad. Lester?
How did you find us?
I got a LoJack for your Rascal when Cleve--
Uh, those Puerto Ricans moved in down the street.
Well, you wasted your time coming here.
You hurt me, Lester.
Kendra, you may be morbidly obese,
but I'm the one who acted like a big fat fool.
Because, disgust me or not, I love you.
Please come back. I don't know.
I strongly urge you to consider your options.
Let's go home.
Let's go home too, Junior.
Not until you apologize for what you did.
I'm sorry you're fat.
Junior, fat people don't deserve special treatment
just because they're fat.
Being fat is a choice.
Do you choose to be pudgy?
Wha...?
Y-You think I'm pudgy?
Hurtful.
That's it. No more fries.
Just chips. Or cheese fries.
You want some cheese fries? I could eat.
♪ Hey
♪ I was just a skinny lad
♪ Never knew no good from bad
[♪]
[English - US - Line 21]