NARRATOR: Cleveland Brown thought he had it all.
Good morning. Hey, chief.
Looking good, Mr. B.
[♪]
So, what's it feel like to be named ad executive of the year?
Feels like 1.3 million bucks.
[ALL LAUGH]
NARRATOR: Until...
Does anyone have any reason why these two should not be wed?
MAN: I got a reason.
She's dead.
[ALL GASP]
[♪]
[SOBBING]
[♪]
NARRATOR: Cleveland Brown.
Ed Helms.
And introducing Jaden Smith's sister
as the Zombie Princess.
It's past your dead time.
The Cleveland Show: The Movie in 3-D.
See it high or else you won't enjoy it.
[SCREECHES]
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
♪ And I am proud to be
♪ Right back In my hometown ♪
♪ With my new family
♪ There's old friends And new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear
♪ Through good times And bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place
♪ Where everyone will know
♪ My happy mustache face
♪ This is The Cleveland Show ♪
[LAUGHS]
[♪]
Well, guys, good news. My movie, it--
Hey, cool jacket.
Wait a minute, you didn't go to Stoolbend High.
Yup, I just got the jacket this morning.
Hold on, is there a half-eaten Reggie Bar in the pocket?
There was. That's my jacket.
And that's my TRON helmet.
Finders keepers. I'm the red guy.
Those are my roller skates.
They're mine now, turkey.
[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING ON JUKEBOX]
CLEVELAND: My cones.
What's going on?
Where'd you guys get all my stuff?
Your dad's selling it.
There was a sign in front of his garage
that said he was having a gar...
Some kind of sale.
Anyway, I got all kinds of trophies,
baby pictures, this old teddy bear.
Mr. Pumpernickel.
Mommy said you'd run home to Hugslvania.
Oh, after all these years.
May I hold him?
What's that, Mr. Pumpernickel?
Oh. He don't wanna see you. He says you snore.
He's a damn liar.
[SOBBING]
Hey, Cleveland, Cleveland, relax.
I'm your bear now.
[SIGHS CONTENTEDLY]
[SNORING]
I'll give you 30 for it. Fifty.
Thirty-five.
And that is the highest number I know.
Fine.
Here's your juicer.
Is it able to make juice from Reese's Pieces?
Probably.
This is a game changer.
[SQUEALING]
What's going on here?
Getting a sweet deal on your childhood stuff.
I'm gonna make a theme park
devoted to the greatest man I've ever known.
I'll call it Cleve Land.
Cleve Land? That's the worst idea I've e--
Actually...
[♪]
[SPITS THEN GROANS]
This churro is stale. Party's over.
Forget the whole thing. Shut it down.
I have a brand to protect.
Wait a minute. Are those my baby teeth?
Hands off the merch, tubby. That is not merch.
That's my childhood you're selling. Look at these Mad Libs.
"The farty man walked fartily down Fart Street."
[CHUCKLES]
Hard to believe I was only 17.
I got a Mad Lib for you.
My son blank is a blank hole.
That is hurtful, Father.
No, this is hurtful.
Ha! That's two for flinching.
Ow! Dad.
FREIGHT TRAIN: And one for bitching.
Well, you can't sell my stuff if you don't have my stuff.
Your junk's been in my house for the last 25 years.
So I'm getting rid of it. My house, my rules.
But those are my memories.
You're right, Cleveland.
Guess I didn't realize how much this stuff meant to you.
You can have it all for 90 bucks.
[GROANS]
Nice doing business with you.
Anyone ever told you your face looks like a butt-crack?
Yes, if you must know,
a Six Flags caricature artist once said that.
I refused to look at the drawing
and I refused payment. I bought it.
[SINGING TO THE TUNE OF "THE VENGABUS IS COMING"]
♪ Your face looks like A butt-crack ♪
[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]
Cleve, bro, master bed's looking nice.
What are you guys playing?
WOMAN: I want my son. MAN: You can't have him.
WOMAN: But you let him fall off that jungle gym.
Boom! You just lost custody.
No visitation.
[LAUGHS]
TIM: Hungry Hungry Hippos?
They should call this game, uh,
Full of Themselves, Full of Themselves Hippos,
because, man, hippos are real jerks, you know?
But they do have a pretty healthy appetite
so there is a degree of accuracy there.
Oh, a Mr. Microphone.
Can I have this? If not, I'm just gonna break it.
You don't even know what it's for.
Sure I do.
Pretending you're a sports announcer, local TV pitch man,
or the annoying guy from Police Academy.
[MIMICS MACHINEGUN FIRE]
[MIMICS POLICE SIREN]
I need work.
[BARKING]
[MIMICS FART]
Go with my blessing.
No way, my old break dancing cardboard. Can I get a beat?
Ugh. Aw, okay.
[BEATBOXING]
[SCREAMING]
It's the hammy. It's the hammy.
Cleveland, what the hell is going on in here?
Hey, lovely. Everyone, out.
For someone who's not even in our club
you got some brass boobs
coming in here and telling us what to do.
Now! CLEVELAND: Oh, man.
This sucks ducks. TIM: Whatever.
Don't worry, guys. My mom's making...
[TIM CHEERS]
So, what do you think of the improvements?
Cleveland, if I wanted to sleep in a teenage boy's room
I'd be teaching middle school in Florida.
I want all of this out of here.
Fine, I'll take it to the basement.
But I want your tampons out of my sock drawer.
Fine, they can stay.
But I want them in their box. Not just loosey-goosey.
They best not have messed with my cigarettes.
Oh, she's a smoker.
That has negative consequences.
But at least she's enjoying the smooth,
full-bodied flavor of Carolina Milds.
Carolina Milds, they'll kill you just right.
Oh, hey, animators.
How's the episode going? Good.
We're at the part where you come down to the basement
and ask how the episode's going.
Great, can I put some boxes down here?
What boxes? Put those back.
Okay, but there's no room for them down here.
Fine, I'll rent a storage unit.
Ha, ha. Now, knock it off.
Wait a minute. We're like gods here.
Whatever we draw...
Way ahead of you.
[♪]
This is my childhood I'm leaving with you
so I'm gonna need climate control,
a 24-hour armed guard
and those roaming lasers that protect diamonds
like in that Catherine Zeta-Jones movie
where it seemed like she had a nice ass.
They're all pretty much just cement rooms.
I can find you one that hasn't been urinated in too much.
Thanks. Must be cool to work at a storage place, huh?
Store all your stuff for free.
I don't have any stuff.
I gave it all away.
I plan on killing myself after this transaction.
So just a left at the elevator and it'll be on my right?
Yeah.
[GUNSHOT THEN BODY DROPS]
Hey, Gus. Oh, hey, Cleveland.
I didn't know you stored things.
Yeah. Just started.
I'm proud of you, man.
You're coming along real nice.
Thanks, Gus.
CLEVELAND: I wish Gus was my father.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
♪ Ridey horsey Up and down ♪
♪ Watch out little boy Don't fall down ♪
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I love you, Cleveland.
I love you too, Dad.
[SIGHS]
Mom, what are you doing here? Cleveland.
Wha--? Wha--? Are you living here?
Yeah, we lost the house.
You happy?
Dinner's almost ready.
Oh, my God.
So you weren't selling my stuff because you hate me,
but because you're broke.
CLEVELAND: What happened?
FREIGHT TRAIN: The light's on a sensor. Move your hands.
Whee! This is fun.
Oh, my God, you're broke.
Wait for it. Don't move.
And there it is.
[♪]
You're living in a storage unit?
Yeah. Bank foreclosed on us so we moved in here.
What happened to your savings?
They're gone, okay? I got scammed.
Scammed? What was it?
A flimflam? Ponzi scheme?
Pyramid? Straw man? Three-card monte?
Bait and switch? Smash-and-grab?
Tickle and take? Jerk and jet? Blow and go?
No, nothing like that. It was a telemarketing scam.
A ring ring sting? That's the oldest one--
Oh, my. You've become a dumb old man.
Oh, this is delicious.
Ha, ha! This makes me happier
than a butterfly when he runs into
his caterpillar ex-girlfriend.
Karen?
Oh, hey, Rick. What have you been up to?
What have I been up to? I'm flying. I'm freaking flying.
Have fun on the ground with that drummer, you bitch.
Cleveland, please. We lost everything.
Mom. Oh, that's right. You're homeless too.
This makes me sadder than a butterfly
when he runs into his caterpillar ex-girlfriend.
Have fun on the ground with that drummer, you bitch.
[SOBBING]
Oh, Mom, I'm sorry this had to happen to you.
You shouldn't be forced to live like this
because you married a fool.
The two of you shall move into Wilbermore.
My house. That's what I named it.
[♪]
So I hear you're gonna be staying in our guest room,
which is where Cleveland knows I practice my recorder.
Don't worry. We'll be out of your wig soon enough.
In light of your plight, I'm gonna let that one go.
Oh, like you let your figure go.
RALLO: Ha!
Women be eating. Women be eating.
Am I right, fellas? Ha, ha. For real.
I mean, like, I'm dating now.
How much sushi can a chick eat?
She ordered the unagi.
I was like, "How about you order the u-pay-ee?"
Ha! That's you. RALLO: Ha-ha-ha.
You got weird kids, tubby.
Yeah, and as long as you're living under my roof,
you're one of them.
And you've got chores to do, Tubby Senior. Ha, ha.
And your allowance will be $5 a day.
We could use some help around here.
There are plenty of things Cleveland has neglected to do.
I'm afraid I haven't the back for heavy work.
I collect decorative boxes.
But you with your coarse hands and even coarser manner
were made for manual labor.
So do whatever it is one does with these things.
[MUNGO JERRY'S "IN THE SUMMERTIME" PLAYING]
♪ In the summertime When the weather is hot ♪
[COUGHING]
♪ When the weather's fine You got women ♪
♪ You got women On your mind ♪
♪ Have a drink Have a drive ♪
♪ Go out and see What you can find ♪
[GROANS] [LAUGHS]
♪ If her daddy's rich Take her out for a meal ♪
♪ If her daddy's poor Just do what you feel ♪
♪ Speed along the lane
♪ You can dine Or return a 25 ♪
♪ When the sun goes down You can make it ♪
♪ Make it good In a lay-by ♪
♪ We're not gray people ♪
♪ We're not dirty We're not mean ♪
♪ We love everybody But we do as we think ♪
[SQUEALING]
[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]
[GRUNTING]
♪ We're always happy Life's for living ♪
♪ Yeah, that's our philosophy ♪
[SOBBING]
♪ Sing along with us Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da-da Yeah, we're hap-happy ♪
♪ Da-da-da...
Whoo! I am famished from putting Dad to work like that.
Revenge really brings on the appetite.
That's why so many super villains eat at buffets.
I never heard that. Is that a thing?
I'll level with you, Dad.
I'm not sure what's real and what's not anymore.
Unfortunately, this chicken is real.
Real bad.
[ALL PLAYING OUT OF TUNE]
And as for you, Cleveland,
you need to ease up on your father.
He made a mistake.
You don't need to keep reminding him of it.
Yes, I do. He's senile.
[ALL LAUGHING]
You know what? Screw this. I'm out of here.
Wait, where are you going? Back to the storage space.
There may be mice there, but at least they ain't dicks.
One is, but he's only got three legs, so I give him a pass.
Maybe to cheer him up, you could make him three little shoes.
I ain't no damn mouse cobbler.
What really happened on Thursday here in Stoolbend, Virginia,
that led to Cleveland Bro-- [FLY BUZZING]
[CHOKING]
Go on, what the fuck is that?
Shit, I'm dying in this
fucking country ass fucked-up town.
Shit flying in my mouth.
What the fuck? Can't see. Pollen.
Get the fuck out of this country, motherfucker.
Wait, Dad. Don't go.
I want to pin a note to you so when the police find you
wandering around disoriented, they'll know who to call.
You big dope.
[LAUGHING]
Cleveland, stop. I'm the dope.
I'm the one who lost all our money. What?
Your father didn't lose our life savings.
He was taking the rap to protect me.
I'm the one who got scammed.
[♪]
Oh.
Oh, Cleveland.
It's tough when you think
you're getting the best of your abusive father
when you're actually getting the best
of your passive, enabling mother.
What you ought to be doing
is sexually harassing a series of women
and paying them to keep quiet.
Hey, hey, hey.
[SOBBING]
So you're the old dummy who got scammed? Ha!
All right, I wanna hear everything.
Talk slowly and don't leave anything out.
A few weeks ago, I was at the mall,
when this gentleman asked me if I ever thought of modeling.
Mm-hm, mm-hm. We're off to a good start.
And, of course, I thought of it, but I never had the time.
Uh-huh. Or the face, body, hair or skin. Go on.
He told me that some
of the best modeling opportunities in the world
were available right here in Stoolbend.
Right here in Stoolbend.
Before I knew it,
I had spent our entire life savings on modeling classes,
speech lessons and head shots.
[♪]
Ugh!
So that means Dad...
Was covering for my foolishness to protect me.
He never rubbed my nose in it,
or called me stupid like you've been doing to him.
Oh, man. I feel worse than a butterfly
when he runs into his caterpillar--
No, Cleveland. One too many? Okay.
[♪]
Knocky, knocky.
If you're here to get shoes, wait in line.
Why don't you walk around in those? See how you feel.
Actually, I came to apologize.
Mom told me she lost the money
and you were covering for her. Yeah.
I'm man enough to admit when I'm wrong
and it's time for me to eat crow.
Come on, tubby. You don't have--
I was able to do it at home.
I can do it in front of you.
[MUFFLED SCREAMING]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Well, maybe there's another way I can make it up to you.
Have you ever been to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Not interested. Okay, okay.
Then how about I help you
get your money back from that con man?
Haven't you messed with my life enough already?
The money's gone.
Well, perhaps you could direct me to the storage unit
where you're keeping your moxie because it ain't here, fella.
Dad, this isn't just about getting your money back.
This is about defending Mom's honor.
Even if I wanted to get our money back, how could I?
I went to the cops.
They said your mother was a willing, overweight victim.
I've got three drinking buddies
and we're always coming up
with schemes that fail in humorous ways.
But maybe not this time.
[♪]
So let's review.
He takes advantage of unremarkable,
middle-aged women at the mall.
I think we know what we have to do.
Are you saying that we get breast implants
and sex change surgeries
to go undercover as middle-aged women?
Yes, I am saying that.
It'll be a major life adjustment
and a more than considerable expense.
But it cannot be argued that we all owe it to my mother.
What if we just dressed as women?
Kind of rinky-dink, but, okay.
[♪]
Stop staring at my legs.
I'm sorry. They're just--
They're just really doing it for me right now.
I dance. Let's just leave it at that.
Hmm. There he is.
Anyone ever tell you you look like a really hot Ving Rhames?
I get John Amos a lot.
How'd you like to make some money?
Let's go.
Excuse me, sir.
I'm easily deceived, wealthy,
and heavily mustached widow Blanche Kennedy Rockefeller.
And I'm Arianna the Bear.
"Do this, Tim. Do that, Tim."
Nag, nag, nag. I'm Lester.
[CHUCKLES]
Let me guess. Your wife or mother is one of my old clients
who claims I "stole" her money.
That's right. How'd you know? I've seen this ruse before.
I told you we should've got the surgery.
That would've sold this thing.
Look, it's not my fault your ugly mother was dumb enough
to think she could be a model.
[CHUCKLES]
Anyway, what I did was totally legal.
There's nothing you can do about it.
Oh, yeah? There's one thing I can do about it.
Hold my purse.
[GRUNTING]
The challenger takes a vicious left.
And another left. Or maybe that's a right.
I don't know which is which.
But things are heating up here in the brawl at the mall.
The conflagration by the yogurt station.
The war by the Apple Store.
The uppercut by the Sunglass Hut.
Rallo, I told you to stay in the hot car.
Wait, stop. Whose kid is that?
Kind of mine. Why?
Are you kidding me? The hair.
The voice. The wise-beyond-his-ageness.
I've seen it many times before and it always works.
What are you talking about, Barry?
See? He makes a good case.
You know, I'm kind of a comedy snob, and he does make me laugh.
Why don't they make high heels for dudes?
You have no reason to trust me,
but I am a real agent and this kid's got something special.
And if you let me work with him,
I can make us all a lot of money.
I don't know. Come on, Dad.
He's probably not gonna scam us again.
I can't believe he scammed us again.
I don't wanna think about
how I'm gonna pay for this barrel rental.
I got it. We'll tell Roberta we can make her a model.
[ALL LAUGH]
Ow, I got a splinter in my wiener.
I know, right?
FREIGHT TRAIN: I got them too.
[ALL LAUGH]
[♪]
[English - US - Line 21]