[HORNS HONKING]
[♪]
CLEVELAND: ♪ When the day is long
♪ And the night
♪ The night is yours alone
♪ When you're sure You've had enough ♪
♪ Of this life
♪ Hang on
♪ Don't let yourself go ♪
♪ 'Cause everybody cries ♪
♪ And everybody hurts
[MUSIC STOPS]
You've given me an idea. No time to waste.
Wait, do you still have that Moses staff?
Sure do.
And...part!
Had it backwards. [PEOPLE CHEERING]
Terry, do I have tiny Jews in my hair?
Yeah, it looks like it. [LAUGHS]
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
♪ And I am proud to be
♪ Right back In my hometown ♪
♪ With my new family
♪ There's old friends And new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear
♪ Through good times And bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place
♪ Where everyone will know
♪ My happy mustache face
♪ This is The Cleveland Show ♪
[LAUGHS]
[♪]
The Spanish ice cream truck's back.
Let's buy some pot.
Oh, just Cleveland.
Hey, can we buy some pot?
Marijuana is illegal and immoral.
No, wait. That's cocaine.
No, I don't have any marijuana.
I am here to talk to you about selling beer on the freeway.
That's right, I've invented a beer truck.
The business strategy is in your investment packets.
I'm in. Me too.
I just gotta show this to my lawyer.
I don't know Cleveland.
It's just that me and Kendra
have been sort of in-between jobs
for the last 34 years.
Money's a little tight.
But if you invest what little money you have
in my beer truck idea,
you're guaranteed to make a million dollars or less.
Fine. I'll ask my wife.
Oh, yeah. If there are two things women are great at,
it's managing money and not killing dreams.
Ha.
[ALL LAUGHING]
So I thought if I took our savings,
our couch money, and redeemed our Camel bucks--
But that scrilla's gotta last us our whole lives.
I mean, what are the odds of me falling in Walmart again?
Please.
No, Lester. The answer is no.
Now, why don't you get in here with me?
How?
[♪]
[LAUGHING]
Come on, Rallo. You're up.
Rallo, you've grown a foot and a half.
Young man, it is time I give you another haircut.
No offense, Mama, but I'm ready to get a real haircut
from someone who's qualified to cut hair.
Oh, so suddenly my masters in cosmetology means nothing?
Yeah, suddenly.
Well, then I guess I can't help you with that.
Little smart-ass.
I now christen thee Beer Force One.
[CHEERING]
Guys, wait for me!
It's Lester. What's he doing?
Looks like he's jogging and carrying a big jar of money.
That's how McConaughey works out.
I'm in!
I knew you'd come around. We need you.
Give me your hand!
[♪]
Cleveland, slow down a little.
He's not gonna make it!
The hell he's not.
I'm gonna slow down a little more.
[GRUNTING] Oh. Oh.
[BOTH SOBBING]
[POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
Two lights, two regulars. Two lights, two regulars.
We're tapped out.
Sorry, folks. That's all for today.
MAN: Come on.
We've really done something here today.
TIM: Guys, you might wanna come out here and take a look at this.
[PEOPLE GROANING]
Oh, well. I guess we've learned not to invest our own money
in our harebrained ideas.
Good night, everybody.
Whoa, whoa, Cleveland.
I put everything I had into this truck.
I'm screwed. Bankrumpt.
It's "rupt."
Hey, you guys moving?
What? No. I told you Cleveland.
We've lost everything and it's all your fault.
You tricked me with your Obama-like eloquence,
and "tell you no lie" mustache.
Ma'am, we're gonna need your Rascal.
Oh, not the Rascal!
I'm sorry.
[GRUNTING] [WHIMPERING]
Hey, Tony, we got a fatty. Little bologna here?
[GROWLS]
Oh.
You come back here with that bologna.
There goes your house.
Kendra, I'll do whatever it takes to make this right.
I'll be at mother's.
[GRUNTING]
Thanks a lot, Cleveland.
Oh. Leak.
MAN [ON TV]: And they're off.
Hey.
Murray. And a black kid.
Boys, this is my friend, Rallo, and he needs a man's haircut.
Rallo, this is Vinnie.
Oh, Rallo. Forget about it.
Well, that seems authentic.
Hey, grab a magazine
and tell me what we're doing today.
Just take me back down to a Lionel Jefferson.
Whoa, these ladies are naked.
I mean, I've seen plenty of naked ladies in my--
Oh, she ain't got no wiener. What happened to her wiener?
Someone got it.
Just like I got your nose.
[CHUCKLES]
She never had a wiener, did she?
She's had lots of wieners, Rallo.
[♪]
[KENDRA GRUNTING]
Oh, hey, it's you. You ever catch that bologna?
Read this.
"Blah, blah, blah, failure.
"Blah, blah, blah, life not worth living.
Blah, blah, blah, blah."
Misspelled "suicide."
Who is this even from?
It's from Lester, and he says he's driving
your dang beer truck over Suicide Falls.
My deposit! And Lester.
[♪]
Oh, there he is!
He might make it across.
Nope. He gone.
[PLAYING COUNTRY MUSIC]
We gather here today to mourn the loss of Lester Krinklesac.
One could never know what would drive a man
to take his own life.
Oh, wait. I have his suicide note right here.
Let me read it.
Huh.
Apparently, he met financial ruin
after some damn fool convinced him
to invest in a, get this, beer truck.
Oh, boy. Here we go. Blame the beer truck.
I do not blame the beer truck,
but the greed and the dumb-ass-itude
of whoever was behind the beer truck.
Swearing during a funeral. He's swearing during a funeral.
I know. I just feel so terrible.
He was my friend, and I made him do this.
Yes, you did.
You killed this man as surely as Cain killed Abel
or Ebert killed Siskel!
Two thumbs down to the serpent who led Lester astray,
for he shall burn in hell!
[SOBBING]
Ahem. Well, at least we'll be in hell together.
Me? Why?
Because of all your texting and driving.
Driving is boring.
You did this.
All right. Drive safe.
You know, we should offer to take her in.
Or at least make an empty gesture.
Hey, Kiki, taking a little break?
Well, being a widow ain't as glamorous
as Courtney Love makes it look.
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
So, Kendra, you need a place to stay or, no, you're fine?
Fine. I wouldn't wanna be a burden.
Then say no.
But then again, if it will ease some of your guilt,
I suppose it's the least I can do.
DONNA [IN THE DISTANCE]: The least you can do is not do it.
Donna, she is a shamefully obese widow.
She's staying with us.
By the way, how's Ernie?
He's away at the job he took when we lost the money.
[ALL GRUNTING]
Oh, God! My legs!
[ALL SCREAMING]
Never a dull moment, huh?
[MAN SCREAMING]
[CHEERING]
[LAUGHING]
You boys watching The Squeakquel?
No, I was just telling them a joke
I heard at Murray's barbershop.
Suffice it to say, it has to do with a traveling salesman,
and a farmer's daughter with teeth
in a place you might not expect.
[LAUGHING]
Agh! You are not to set foot
in that disgusting barbershop ever again.
Oh, man. Murray and his friends
are so lucky their mamas are dead.
Oh, damn, Rallo.
I know. I shouldn't have said it.
God, please don't take my mama.
[♪]
Miss Kendra ate all the marshmallows
out of my cereal.
That's just fantastic. Sorry, Junior.
But she's only here for a few days,
and, actually, some people eat cereal without marshmallows.
Well, not me. The floor can have this because it's useless.
I'm going to Denny's for some pancakes.
Did somebody say pancakes?
Oh, man.
KENDRA: Oh, oh, Cleveland.
Check it, homes.
Your air mattress done went flat on me.
That wasn't an air mattress.
It was a $1500 Sealy Posturepedic pillow top.
Well, now it's a flat toilet. Oh, God.
[♪]
Oh, I gotta get back to that barbershop.
Hold still, Legolas.
We don't want your silky, flaxen tresses
to get caught in your bowstring,
at the Battle of Helm's Deep.
Or maybe I'll bring the barbershop to me.
You're pretty.
Prettier than I'll ever be.
[GRUNTING]
[CHUCKLES]
I'm just playing.
[♪]
Yes, Kendra. I've come all the way to the Fluvanna County Mall,
and you're right, they do make Kevlar pantyhose.
[SIGHS]
Mannish by Hilary Swank?
Lester?
Oh, my God, Lester. You're alive.
Pardon me, my dear sir.
But I do believe you have me confused with someone else.
As you can see here on my nameplate, my name is Lestah.
I'm sorry. I had you confused with some--
Ah-ha!
[SHRIEKS]
I got Swank eye. I reek of false humility.
Lester, wait.
I'll buy two bottles of that cologne.
You mean it? Yes.
You buy three you get a folding umbrella.
I don't need three.
Lester, you've gotta come home.
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
All right, I'll buy three.
But, Lester, how did you do it?
I mean, I saw you drive over that cliff.
You saw what looked like me appear
to drive over what seemed like a cliff.
Actually, it was a cliff.
That was probably confusing. Here, let me explain.
LESTER: As the truck headed toward the cliff,
I deftly maneuvered the door lock mechanism
into its unlock mode.
Then, I wrapped my fingers
around the door release lever and applied pressure,
causing the door to swing free on its hinges.
With no time to spare,
I sent an electrical impulse
from my brain to my leg muscles,
instructing them to extend quickly and forcefully,
thus propelling my body out of the vehicle.
So you jumped out of the truck. Yup.
And you faked your death. But why?
[SIGHS]
Haven't you ever felt like the world
would be better off without you?
[♪]
♪ My name is Glenn Quagmire And I say ♪
♪ Gig-ged-dee
♪ Gig-geddy-gig-ged-dee
♪ Giggy-giggy-giggy Ged-dee ♪
No. The world needs me.
[♪]
LESTER: Well, here it is.
Check it out, Cleveland. Futon, not too bad.
Mini-fridge, not too bad.
My roommate, Dean Cain, bad.
Your wife needs you, and I need you to get her out of my house.
She's turned the place into Jabba's Palace.
[DRUMS BEATING] Yum, yum.
Agh!
[LAUGHING]
That was the whole joke?
Oh, I sat in the damn makeup chair
for seven hours for this.
Look, I've been with Kendra
since my sophomore year in high school,
when she was my guidance counselor.
She guided me to drop out of school and shack up with her.
She was a horrible guidance counselor.
My point is,
I've never had a chance to live on my own without Kendra.
And I found out it's great. I can do whatever I want.
Don't you get it? When I died, I finally felt alive.
And I'm never going back.
Well, I guess the Lester I knew is dead.
Goodbye, Cleveland.
You better get out of here before Dean Cain gets home.
He is a horrible human being.
Kids, good news. [SNORING]
Bomb threat at the school. Mama's home early.
[BLUES MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]
Sweet pearls and Jheri curls!
Here's your cut, big man.
Oh, boy. Thanks, Mr. Rallo.
Mama.
Rallo, why are all these men in my kitchen?
[GASPS]
Are they smoking my cigars?
Miss Donna, you need to relax.
Have a seat, honey. My chair is a no-stress zone.
Uh-uh. Junior, nobody touches my hair. Not even me.
Shh. Shh. Shh.
We all know it's a wig.
Now, let's see what we can do with what God gave you.
[♪]
Well, what do you think?
Ooh, I look like Beyoncé. Well...
[GRUNTING]
Kiki, this is very hard.
I have no idea how to tell you that Lester's alive.
But, what I wanna say is-- Lester's alive?
Oh, see, she already knows.
And here I am walking on eggshells.
And bacon and garlic toast and chili cheese fries.
And what's that green thing?
Piece of lettuce I picked off a burger.
[♪]
[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Mama, look at all these women. You've ruined my barbershop.
Just like that Beauty Shop movie ruined the Barbershop franchise.
Again, Rallo, just because we're black,
that doesn't mean we have to pretend
Barbershop was a good movie.
Oh, heck with this. I'm going back to Vinnie's.
You most certainly are not, young man.
Oh, I'm not? You realize Junior answers to me.
If I say the word, you go back to looking like James Brown.
♪ Hit me
Fine, go.
Look who's back, you old buzzards.
I'm sorry. Our memories are not what--
It's Rallo.
Rallo. Hey, Rallo.
[ALL COUGHING]
Hey, Rallo. Here's a 20.
Run down to the liquor store
and pick us up a bottle of gin,
a bottle of Scotch and a box of matches,
so you got something to play with
while we get drunk and take our naps.
All right.
Hm. I'm gonna try something.
Look who's back, you old buzzards.
I'm sorry, our memories are not what--
It's Rallo.
Rallo. Hey, Rallo.
[ALL COUGHING]
Hey, give me 20 bucks.
I'll run down to the liquor store,
and pick up a bottle of gin and a bottle of Scotch.
Good idea.
[♪]
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
Hey, Cleveland. I'm glad you came back.
I forgot to show you something.
Just got this. They call it a shower curtain.
I reckon it's so when you pee,
it don't spray all over the floor.
Lester, listen.
There's someone who wants to talk to you.
[GRUNTING]
Kendra.
Lester Krinklesac, you pack your stuff,
and you get your skinny behind
back to our home right now. [MEN GRUNTING]
I'm tired of you telling me what to do.
I'm in charge here.
I have my freedom. I have my self-respect.
And I have a jar of mayonnaise without finger marks inside it.
Mayonnaise is a finger food. MAN: Talk faster.
You know why I took that money, Kendra?
Because I thought that if this beer truck worked,
I'd have finally done something that you're proud of.
And you'd start respecting me.
You're right.
I don't respect you like I should,
but I'm gonna start trying really hard.
[MEN GRUNTING]
[MEN GRUNTING, GROANING]
MAN: Together!
I'm sorry, Lester.
I love you.
I'll do whatever it takes to get you to come back
and stay on Cleveland's couch with me for the next few months.
[GROANS]
Oh, Lester.
MAN 1: Don't do that! MAN 2: We're losing her.
Mm. [MEN YELLING]
[YELLING] [CRASHING]
Kendra! I'm okay.
But both my legs is broken.
And I crushed Dean Cain.
No one will miss him. And we'll sue the movers.
[CHUCKLES]
We're back in business.
Cleveland, we're going home.
Hooray, everything worked out for everybody!
Hey, look. Them fins remind me of that movie.
♪ Da-da-dum-dum Ba-da-bum-bum ♪
♪ Ba-ba-bum-bum Ba-da-bum-bum ♪
♪ Ba-ba-bum-bum
[♪]
[English - US - Line 21]