♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
♪ And I am proud to be
♪ Right back In my hometown ♪
♪ With my new family
♪ There's old friends And new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear
♪ Through good times And bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place
♪ Where everyone will know
♪ My happy mustache face
♪ This is The Cleveland Show ♪
[LAUGHS]
[♪]
Good morning, family.
Good morning, baby.
How'd you sleep?
Oh, this? I'm glad you asked.
This is my magnus opus.
Waderman.
A comic book?
Cleveland, hush. Sit down and eat your eggs.
Shame the fool who hath time for eateth eggs of scramble,
as our breathing hours are so few and so precious.
What are you talking about?
Donna, all my life,
I've deferred my dreams.
You said I was your dream.
Yeah, and I deferred you 25 years.
I'm talking about my other dream,
to write, color and staple my own comic book,
and last night I finished it.
It's called Waderman.
What's a wader?
Go fly-fishing much?
They're thigh-high rubber boots
that keep your pants dry in shallow water.
I first had the idea
one fateful day back in high school.
[♪]
Oh, I wish I had the perfect opportunity,
to show Donna Tubbs I'm the one for her.
Hey, Cleveland. Agh!
My wish came true!
But I just bought these shoes.
I know, I'll take them off and then go in. Okay.
[GRUNTING]
DONNA: Help! Help! Someone help me!
But my socks. I'll remove those as well.
DONNA: Anyone! I'll marry anyone who helps me.
Hm. No towel. [DONNA SCREAMING]
Guess I'll just wait for my feet to dry when I get out.
Watch my red Keds? No. Not my problem.
[DONNA CONTINUES SCREAMING]
DONNA: Help!
You weigh more than I thought you would.
My hero.
Hey. Your Keds are in the fountain.
My red Keds!
That night I swore that I would never again let shallow water
stand in the way of what ought to be.
And so Waderman was born.
Which is why for our summer vacation,
we're going to debut Waderman,
at this year's Comic-Con in San Diego.
[♪]
No way.
Cleveland, I don't think
that sounds like much of a vacation.
That's because you don't know what Comic-Con is.
Imagine a hundred thousand
unwashed comic book fans in costume,
shoehorned into a musky convention center,
that smells like ass and corn chips,
all waiting in line to see three minutes of something
the rest of the world will have to wait two weeks to see.
Now, don't you feel silly?
We're not going to Comic-Con.
Donna, let me talk to you for a second.
[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]
[WHIMPERING INDISTINCTLY]
[SOBBING]
Looks like we're going to San Diego.
I'm ready.
[♪]
Yeah, this all seems very necessary.
Aren't there two wars going on right now?
Come on, Rallo, this is what they're fighting for.
Well, now I'm not sure who I want to win.
Ha-ha. This Cleveland Show not too bad.
Move over, King of Hill.
What's going on here?
Kevin Smith and Harry Knowles are fighting over a corndog.
[♪]
[GROWLS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Join us, Zach Galifianakis,
and together we can rule the galaxy.
[LAUGHING MENACINGLY]
Hm. [SQUEALS]
Oh, Donna, once these mouth breathers see Waderman,
my life is gonna change forever.
I'm gonna go set up my booth.
And I'm gonna go stand in line
for an autograph from Scott Bakula.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, God, no!
Mom, that's you! Damn!
Damn.
[♪]
Sure, but I get grounded,
when I take my school photo in a mink coat and underwear.
Rallo, I did that a long time ago and it was a mistake.
Things you do on camera can come back to haunt you.
I gotta call Federline.
Listen to me, Rallo.
No one can know about that screening.
Especially Cleveland.
Mm-hm.
And that's where it gets tricky for you.
I'll keep my mouth shut, but it ain't gonna be cheap.
Four dollars. Fine.
Now, go find Cleveland.
I'm going to get that screening cancelled.
So apparently, she's not worried about her 5-year-old boy
alone in a convention center full of grown men in costumes.
All right, then.
Weirdo. Hey, Rallo, I need an attention getter
and since I can't afford a hot Asian girl
to dress up like a cat,
and stand in front of my booth,
why don't you help me out and be my Squirt?
Squirt is Waderman's sidekick. All right.
But it's gonna cost you. How much?
What's the number after four?
Five. Five dollars.
I got 45 dollars.
Hey! Harry Pockmarks, you look like you could use a hero.
How about you, fat Spider-Woman?
[HIP-HOP PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
Hello, Comic-Con. I am Katee Sackhoff.
Or am I Eliza Dushku?
Nope. I'm Emily Deschanel from Bones.
[CHEERING]
I just think Firefly was totally overrated.
[ALL GASP]
I kind of agree.
I mean, you can't have a whole ship of Han Solos.
If everyone is Han Solo, then no one is Han Solo.
Oh, yeah. That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What is this?
ANNOUNCER: This fall on NBC
we're forcing David Schwimmer to return
to network TV in a new hit comedy.
Yay.
See what happens when one of America's favorite Friends,
becomes Kalamazoo's least favorite swimming coach.
I'm here against my will.
Schwim Team.
Coming this fall to NBC.
Don't worry, we're almost done.
That doesn't have anything to do with Comic-Con.
Why is it even here?
You guys talking about Schwim? Gonna get some Schwim this fall?
Schwim? Here, have a T-shirt.
The Doctor Horrible Sing-a-long is now full.
No one else will be allowed inside.
What? But we've been waiting all morning.
Sorry. They're from Hollywood,
so they're more important than you.
Well, I guess I could wait in line to boo M. Night Shyamalan.
Frak this!
Comic-Con belongs to us.
It's bad enough those Twilight fruit blades
think they belong here,
but that other Hollywood crap is inexcusable.
You're right. We have to fight back.
By posting sarcastic barbs on message boards.
No. I mean, really fight back.
This is our house,
and it's time we take back Comic-Con.
[CHEERING]
We have room for one more.
Screw you guys.
An aquatic superhero who lacks the ability to swim.
Apparently, he also has a superhuman tolerance for irony,
which, unfortunately, I do not.
Worst. Cameo. Ever.
[PLAYING FLAMENCO MUSIC]
Are you Robert Rodriguez?
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
You're Cocoa Bang Bang.
I've been in love with you since I first saw your movie.
Nice rack. Don't try and sweet-talk me.
Look, I am here this weekend to support
my husband's comic book,
Waffleman or something,
not to be embarrassed by some stupid movie
I should never have made.
Stupid movie? Hot Cocoa Bang Bang
inspired me to make El Mariachi.
And for a whole year I greeted my friends with,
"You going back in the trunk, bitch."
Come to the screening.
If you want you can even wear your original costume.
I occasionally make my girlfriend sleep in it.
Listen to me.
That screening is not going to happen.
Look, I don't want you to be upset,
so if that's how you feel, fine.
No screening. It was an honor to meet you.
Thank you. It was nice meeting you too.
Your skin is even moister than Antonio Banderas'.
Speak English.
Nerds, hear me!
Comic-Con is not a place for David Schwimmer,
and his bad-even-for-NBC sitcom.
It's a place where people like us can be ourselves,
and not worry about getting pushed around by bullies,
or talking to girls.
I'm a girl. My name's Rebecca.
You are now my girlfriend.
No butt stuff.
We have many different beliefs,
but today we must put them aside and unite.
Gryffindor and Slytherin.
Jedi and Sith.
Jack Nicholson Joker and Heath Ledger Joker.
This is our time to take what's ours,
for tonight we dine in hell!
[CHEERING]
Donna, you'll never guess what happened.
Someone bought Waderman
and wants to make it into a movie.
That seems unlikely.
Who bought it? I did.
Mm.
Donna, I'd like you to meet Robert Rodriguez,
America's greatest Mexican film director.
Actually, I was born in Texas.
Oh. He's one of America's top 75 film directors.
Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too.
I was telling Cleveland
I think Walrusman could be a huge movie.
Did you hear that, Donna? Huge.
It's Waderman, by the way. Of course.
But if this movie is going to be accurate,
I need to know Waderman's limits.
Why don't you go to the ocean,
and see how long you can stand
in shallow water before you cramp up.
You got it.
Rallo, pack it up, we're going to the beach.
This town has a beach?
Then why is everyone in here so pale?
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Donna, Hot Cocoa Bang Bang is important to me.
I own the only remaining copy, and after tonight,
I promise I'll never show it to another living person.
Just come to the screening. And what if I say no?
Look how happy he is.
[HUMMING]
It'd be a shame if I had to take that away from him.
So you think by making my husband's dream come true,
I'll do what you want?
You're not the only person here
who would buy Cleveland's comic.
Have you read it? Ahem.
"And Waderman was all, 'Boom, boom.'
And the bad guys were all, 'Vroom, vroom,' in their cars."
All right, I'll be there. Super.
[PLAYING FLAMENCO MUSIC]
I should not be turned on right now.
Oh. There's a cramp.
Four hours and 47 minutes.
That's good. Or bad.
I don't know what the average is.
I don't know what we're doing out here.
We must tell Robert Rodriguez. Come, Squirt.
You go on ahead.
I'm thinking about giving my sand castle a guest house.
Maybe a little fold-out bed.
Mother-in-law comes to visit, no problem.
Maybe a bay window.
Sit up there, read a book. Yeah.
I would kill for a beer right now.
[GUN COCKS]
Bang, bang, honkeys!
[GRUNTING]
[CHEERING]
You're a star, Donna.
They love you.
[GASPS] [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Donna?
Cleveland!
What the hell's going on here?
Shh. If you have a question,
you can stand in line and wait
for the Q & A like everyone else.
Ugh. Fine.
Hi, Robert.
I'm also a filmmaker and writer/producer,
and sometimes actor.
I also have a band.
Oh.
Um, two years ago I sent you a script.
It was called Mexicannibals.
Never read it. Thank you.
Yes? First of all, big fan.
I've got a comment and a question.
The comment: Donna!
Now my question: Why?
[♪]
Cleveland, I am so sorry.
And I'd be so embarrassed
if anyone back home found out about this.
Oh, please, Donna, you were arrested
at the dog track four days ago.
She hit me first, Cleveland.
[SIGHS]
Robert Rodriguez promised that if I came to the screening,
he'd never show that movie to another living person.
Are you kidding? You heard that crowd.
Hot Cocoa Bang Bang is a hit.
I just made a deal with Warner Bros.
to convert it to 3D and release it wide.
Three-double-D. Get it?
[CHUCKLES]
How dare you, Señor Rodriguez?
Robert, as partial owner of my wife's breasts,
I'm gonna have to insist that you not show them to people.
Something like that could make it awkward for us
to work together on Waderman.
[LAUGHS] Cleveland, I only used your stupid comic book,
so Donna would come to the screening.
I mean, what kind of superhero is afraid of water?
He's not afraid of it. He respects it.
Whatever. Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go introduce a whole new generation
to Hot Cocoa Bang Bang.
Over my dead body.
[♪]
Trejo! Cheech!
[GUNS COCK]
Cheech Marin, your marijuana humor is so humorous.
It's a character I play.
And Danny Trejo, I loved it
when you raped that guy in American Me.
That was Edward James Olmos.
You raped Edward James Olmos? Shame on you!
He taught those kids math!
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
What the hell?
We are. We're the hell.
[ALL HOLLERING]
[♪]
You suck.
[GROANS]
Oh, my God. He's not even,
like, a real vampire or anything.
[♪]
[YELLING]
[JUNIOR GRUNTING]
Baby, I'm sorry. I thought I was helping you,
but it turns out I was just humiliated
in front of a thousand nerds for nothing.
Humiliated? What are you talking about?
You looked great up there. All toned. Young.
Smooth. Eczema-free.
Really? I guess I was pretty badass up there.
And you still are.
You know what? We're getting that film back.
But there are guards at every door.
There's no way we can get in.
Maybe we can't.
But Waderman and Cocoa Bang Bang can.
[♪]
Mm.
Don't worry, they're not going anywhere.
[♪]
Hey, sugar, you thirsty?
Sure, what'd you have in mind?
How about some Hot Cocoa?
There he is!
Come back here,
you film school-hating son of a bitch.
[GASPS]
To the Amtrak station!
Follow that bike thing with the guy in the back.
[♪]
[BOTH SHRIEKING]
No. No. Look out!
Oh, no!
Oh, look out! Oh, no!
I know he ain't trying to mess up my 'fro!
That's from the movie.
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]
All aboard!
Train to Hollywood, California!
Cleveland, we can catch him if we run through the fountain.
Come on!
You're my hero.
Hey. Your Keds are in the fountain.
My red Keds!
[LAUGHING]
[♪]
Somebody wading for a hero?
[GRUNTING]
He's getting away!
Not today he's not.
You going back in the trunk, bitch!
See you wader, Wobert Wodwiguez.
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Press one for English.
You're keeping the costume.
[CLEVELAND SNIFFS]
Smells like butt hair.
[♪]
[English - US - Line 21]