(funky disco plays) ♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
♪ And I am proud to be
♪ Right back in my hometown
♪ With my new family
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share
♪ And so I found a place
♪ Where everyone will know
♪ My happy mustached face
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
(chuckles)
Can someone let me in?
Something's blocking the door.
DONNA: Cleveland, stop, or you'll break it.
Is that our heating duct?
It was.
Now it's my first art piece--
The Large Intestine of God.
Go ahead, crawl through it.
(groans)
Okay.
(clears throat)
(echoing): Wow, this is...
You did it, Donna, you really did it.
I'm a sculptor now.
It's my second career.
Well, that and I'm going to sell the house
as a rental property and be the manager.
Sweetie, do you think you could possibly,
maybe be having some sort
of midlife crisis?
I'm not the one in crisis!
You're the one in crisis!
Oh, Cleveland, I'm sorry.
I just need to be held.
What is happening to me?
It's okay, you're just going through the terrible 42s.
Is that how old you think I am?!
(sobbing)
Because you're right!
(sobbing)
CLEVELAND: I'm missing the game.
(grunting)
Cleveland, are you trying
to use the Force to get the remote?
No.
You will make me a roast beef sandwich
and a glass of tomato juice.
Make your own damn sandwich.
There is another.
You will make me a roast beef sandwich
and a glass of tomato juice.
Yes, milord.
Good, good.
(indistinct chatter)
(whistling)
(intercom beeps)
ERNIE (over intercom): Mr. President,
Principal Farquhar here to see you.
(beeps) Send him in.
Mr. President.
Mr. Principal.
Mr. Pibb?
Thank you. Thank you.
So, you nervous that you're up for reelection on Tuesday?
(blows raspberry) Hardly.
My record is impeccable
and wartime presidents are always reelected.
Well, thanks to your hard work, Junior,
I've had more time to expand the repertoire
of my a cappella singing group The Fluffers.
(all snapping fingers)
♪ Bom-bom-bom... ♪ ♪ I see you driving 'round town ♪
♪ With the girl I love
♪ Bom-bom-bom... ♪ ♪ And I'm like, (bleep) you
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough ♪
♪ Bom-bom-bom... ♪ ♪ I'm like, (bleep) you
♪ And (bleep) her, too
♪ I said, if I was richer, I'd still be with ya ♪
♪ Bom-bom-bom... ♪ ♪ Ain't that some (bleep)?
♪ Ain't that some (bleep)? ♪
♪ Although there's pain in my chest ♪
♪ I still wish you the best with a (bleep) you ♪
♪ And (bleep) her, too. ♪
(gunshot, screaming)
Dang, missed again.
Aw, who am I kidding?
I can't hurt a healthy snack.
Guys, I'm not sure about the hunting trip.
Haven't found the right moment to run it by Donna yet.
Not like I need a permission slip or anything.
Got mine-- signed by my mom.
If I even mention it, she'll flip out.
Something's got her all insane in the fem-brain.
I don't know what to do.
ALL: Lie to her.
Okay!
(sighing)
I loves when I can taste the fish sticks
all up in your mouth.
(sighing)
(blows)
Hey, I've issued an executive order
barring PDA in the cafeteria.
What gives you the right to tell a woman
what she can and cannot do with her own "foyne" body?
'Cause I'm student body president and what I say goes.
I declare a tax on those fish sticks.
Hey!
Want a refund?
(belches)
Dag, Ro, your stepbro has gots to go.
Hey, whoa, that rhyme was pretty fly.
Do black people still say "fly"?
I don't know.
Just because a bunch of nerds voted for him,
he thinks he's so fly.
Well, it's a new day at Stoolbend High School.
I'm taking him down.
Aw, paradigm shift, yo.
Ooh-ooh!
(groans)
(microphone feeds back)
Now, running unopposed, The Great Communicator,
Cleveland Brown Jr.
What is service?
I believe... ROBERTA: Hold up!
Roberta?
♪
What are you doing, Roberta?
And where did you get those clothes?
I brought 'em from my home right here in Stoolbend,
which is the greatest city in the great country of Virginia.
You betcha.
(cheering)
And I'm announcing my candidacy for student body president
because we need a leader, not an eater.
(all laughing)
That's funny and incisive.
Is that the level of discourse we want at our school?
She got boobies.
Did somebody say "boobies"?
(cheering)
See, I told you voters were dumb.
Now, get some stupid chant going.
Ro, baby, Ro! Ro, baby, Ro!
ALL: Ro, baby, Ro!
Ro, baby, Ro!
The dignity of the office must be preserved.
Ernie, start a chant.
Sure.
Junior's fat! Junior's fat!
ALL: Junior's fat!
Junior's fat! Junior's fat!
(recorder playing "Michael Row the Boat Ashore")
So, for only $7,000, I could record a demo.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Honey, what if sometime in the extremely near future,
some friends of mine-- say, the guys--
invited me on a hunting trip?
Absolutely not.
Your drunken friends with firearms?
You could get killed.
(playing "Taps")
(voice breaking): Then what would I do?
I suppose I'd start over.
Dye my hair blonde.
Do you think I'd look good with blonde hair?
Is that your thing?
No.
On an unrelated note, you see
all these bags I've got packed here?
Well, I got to go to a mandatory nonhunting
cable installers' weekend training seminar
I just found out about.
It's on how to hold in your...
(clears throat)
...farts while in customers' homes.
Oh, my God, Cleveland, you need that course,
and if it's mandatory...
Yep, love you.
Play me out.
(playing The Cleveland Show theme song)
(chuckles)
I just feel so guilty for lying
to poor, unstable, annoying Donna.
Oh, hoo-boo-boo.
Just for that...
(grunts)
(all cheering)
CLEVELAND: Yeah!
(belches)
Let's get drunk and use firearms!
(all cheering)
I wondered when I'd be hearing from you.
You got me elected before.
I need you to do it again.
(whistles)
Must be eleventy billion dollars in here.
Play it rough.
You know they will.
Just don't let me know how you do it.
Of course, Mr. President.
So, Rallo, did you take the bus here, or...?
No, Mama's out in the car.
Okay, let's go.
Yo, man, is my hat staying on?
(snoring)
Dear Deer, you're dead.
Love, Lester.
CC: Kendra.
(zips up)
Aah, my bright orange hat!
Oh, my God.
He was breaking into my house.
Calm down, he's not hit.
C-Bro, are you okay?
(inaudible)
I can't hear!
I want to have sex with your wife.
Oh, that felt so good to say.
Me, too. Yep.
Anything?
What?!
Oh, well, I thought that might reverse it.
You'd be surprised how often that works.
The good news is, it's a temporary impairment.
You'll regain hearing
within a week.
Great! But what do I tell my wife?
If she finds out I lied to her and went on a hunting trip,
she'll go all Elin Woods on me!
A'ight, then.
Cleveland, you should know,
you're speaking much louder than...
Oh, I don't care.
Hello, ma'am. Hiya, sport.
Oh, no, that kid's gonna die!
I'm home...
Yah!
We are suing the Rite Aid.
Remember last month when I told you
about that cashier bitch
who always judges me when I buy antifungal cream?
Well, yesterday...
(inaudible)
Yeah, yep, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yep.
Cleveland, sincerely, tell me, was I in the wrong?
(gulps)
I agree with you.
Finally, someone hears what I'm saying.
Now, come upstairs, I want to give my man a real homecoming.
But first, let me recap
last night's entire True Blood for you.
You know Sookie, the one with the worst teeth on the show?
Well, she can cast a spell on a...
I think I'm onto something.
Huh? You heard that?
I said, "I think you've lost weight."
You better get in the basement.
Bedroom's too clean for what I'm about to do to you.
(giggles)
Voting closed two hours ago. What have you heard?
How were the exit polls?
Have any of the major networks declared a winner?
Uh, no, Junior.
The major networks have not yet weighed in
on your dumbass high school election.
Relax, man.
Wally doesn't count the votes till 2:00.
So I broke into his office. Whoa-whoa-whoa.
Do you have another one of those Blow Pops?
Uh, yeah. Here you go.
Mm.
Mm-mm-mm.
Anyway, I broke into Wally's office and took care of it.
We golden.
Really? What'd you do?
Let's just say it'll be pretty hard
for Roberta to win without these.
That's a lot of votes.
That's all her votes. Every single one of them.
Landslide, Junior.
Every single...
You stole every vote she got?!
Do you have any idea how suspicious that looks?
You gotta fix it.
Break into Farquhar's office again
and put back enough of those ballots
so it doesn't look fishy.
(bell ringing)
That's a bingo.
(clearing throat)
Junior! Junior told me to do it!
All Junior's fault! I'll wear a wire!
(loudly): Guys! I've got an incredible secret. Huddle up.
I cracked the code.
I found the only three sentences we need to say to women.
One:
Two:
And three:
Love it. Love lists. Love letters.
Wrote 30 of them to Meredith Vieira.
Asked repeatedly for a picture of her squatting over a mirror.
Closest I got was a Today Show promo picture of Matt, Al,
and Hoda Kotb squatting over a mirror.
Al had it fogged up, though. Couldn't see anything.
Is he telling the Al Roker story again?
(inaudible)
(voice slowly fades in): ...this one is called Vanilla,
and the other one is called Vanilla Bean.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. (Donna talking)
I can hear! Oh, no!
Oh, here we are.
Cleveland, are you okay?
Yup. Just poopin'. Okay.
While you're in there, take a look at that wallpaper.
You know my old collection of sea glass
that you always say does not belong in our bedroom?
How about if we make a mosaic of... (voice fading)
(loudly): I know exactly how you feel, and I think you've lost weight!
Aw.
(inaudible)
CLEVELAND: God, Pictionary sucks.
I love not having to hear my family.
Uh-oh. Something's happening.
We're happy and jumping. Yay!
So anyway, I sure am hungry.
Yeah. Me, too. Tell me about it.
Yep. Ready... for... din-din!
Uh, where's your mother with the damn dinner?
She left, man.
To obtain dinner from a take-out emporium,
or automat cafeteria, or...
No, dummy.
She left for Florida, like we talked about.
Yeah. Ms. Donna announced her plans...
...to quit my job and move to...
Florida.
That's right.
Where I will attend the University of Miami
for six months to get my graduate degree
in Marine Biology with a concentration in Dolphin History
while Cleveland takes care of you kids and all the housework.
The midlife crisis is over.
Yay!
Find yourself, Mama. The U!
We're happy and jumping. Yay!
But the thing you've neglected to mention is how the hell
Miss Homecoming Queen expected to pay for all this?!
That was my favorite part.
She asked if she could sell your whole collection
of baseball cards and stuff, and you said,
"I hear your truth.
I honor your womanhood."
Oh, God. But I don't.
(screaming) My treasured keepsakes.
(whimpering)
No! It's gone! It's all gone!
Well, at least she didn't sell my old sub shop mascot costume.
(wolf whistle) (whimpers)
Now I remember why I keep this in the attic.
...so I've got to drive all night to Florida,
because I hadn't actually heard a word of Donna's plan
to attend school there until now.
But it does explain her emotional good-bye this morning.
(sobbing)
I'm the luckiest woman alive to have a husband
who would go so far to support my dream.
Slender!
All right, people.
The hand goes up, the mouths go shut.
I'm here to announce the results of the inquiry
into the results of the election.
BOY: Sounds boring.
I'm declaring Roberta Tubbs the first female president
in Stoolbend High history. (gasps)
(cheering)
It is an honor and a privigen to be your president.
Of course, y'all didn't elect me for politics as usual.
Therefore, I have decided to resign,
so that I may better serve Stoolbend High
from outside the office of president
where I don't have to do extra work,
or go to a bunch of stupid meetings.
Plus, I've proven my point.
Uh... boobies.
That's two points.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
(scattered applause)
Wha-- seriously?
She resigned?
All right, anyone else want to be president?
Junior, you probably want to do it, right?
Do I?
Yippee!
(chanting): Junior's fat.
ALL: Junior's fat.
Junior's fat, Junior's fat...
The two-party system is a joke.
Did anybody else see that little kid disappear?
Hello?
Find employment.
Cleveland?! What are you doing here?
Donna, manners.
Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends? Fine.
This is Kirsten, and this is Celia.
I'm beginning to matriculate.
How are the kids? Is Rallo taking his baths?
Who won the election? Who's watching them?
I don't know.
But right now, that's so far down the list of reasons
for you to be angry at me.
Celia, Kristen-- could you give us a moment?
Actually, could you stay where you were, but turn around?
Thank you.
Donna, when I told you I was attending
a cable installers' seminar, I lied.
(gasps)
I actually went on a hunting trip,
where a stray gunshot caused me to go deaf for a few days.
I hid my hearing loss from you
by simply agreeing to everything you said.
Wait. You said you went deaf for a few days.
Ah! Man talking.
At that point, I had begun using earplugs
so as not to hear the sound of your voice.
Oh, Donna, can you ever forgive me for behaving so unlikably?
(sobbing)
I should thank you for this stupid stunt.
Because when you agreed with me,
it made me believe I could achieve my dream.
And now my crisis is over. I'm happy.
All right.
And I don't want to put too fine a point on this,
but technically, I didn't really agree with you,
which means you can't achieve your dream, so...
Hmm...
Sorry, Cleveland.
For too long, it's been about everybody else.
But now, it's got to be about me, too.
Donna, wait. (sighs)
Donna, you're my dream.
You always have been.
Good-bye, Cleveland.
Celia, wait!
DONNA: Good-bye, Cleveland.
I don't remember the other girl's name.
(rat squeaking) Ha-ha! Ten points.
Boys, stop it. No. (door opens and closes)
Donna? You're not supposed to visit until next weekend.
Yeah, well, I'm home. For good.
What is that smell?
The rats got diarrhea.
Thank God you're back.
But why did you change your mind?
Cleveland, I love you,
but I don't trust you to raise my children.
I don't trust you at all.
And what I can see bears out that judgment.
Okay. Where're your friends?
And, I'm going to stop holding myself back
from shooting for everything I've ever dreamed of,
having a wonderful family and a great career.
But from now on, there are going to be
some serious changes in our marriage.
First of all, you are no longer spending every other night
with your buddies because I am transferring to Stoolbend U
where I will continue my studies.
I am, however, modifying my curriculum to include...
You look pretty. Is Celia coming or the other one?