1 00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:04,703 (funky disco plays) ♪ My name is Cleveland Brown 2 00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:07,006 ♪ And I am proud to be 3 00:00:07,008 --> 00:00:09,008 ♪ Right back in my hometown 4 00:00:09,010 --> 00:00:12,144 ♪ With my new family 5 00:00:12,146 --> 00:00:14,179 ♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪ 6 00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:16,482 ♪ And even a bear 7 00:00:16,484 --> 00:00:18,650 ♪ Through good times and bad times ♪ 8 00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:20,252 ♪ It's true love we share 9 00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:22,621 ♪ And so I found a place 10 00:00:22,623 --> 00:00:24,923 ♪ Where everyone will know 11 00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:26,992 ♪ My happy mustached face 12 00:00:26,994 --> 00:00:29,128 ♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪ 13 00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:30,996 (chuckles) 14 00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:36,502 Welcome home, baby. How as your day? 15 00:00:36,504 --> 00:00:38,937 Fine. Found a dead rat in the truck. 16 00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:40,973 It smelled pretty bad, but I kind of didn't mind 17 00:00:40,975 --> 00:00:42,708 because it was so different from 18 00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:45,477 anything else I'd smelled in a while. You? 19 00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:49,048 Oh, I've just been doing a few things around the house. 20 00:00:49,050 --> 00:00:51,817 Spiral sliced ham and green bottled beer?! 21 00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:53,952 Have you been reading my wish journal? 22 00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:55,821 (laughs) 23 00:00:55,823 --> 00:00:58,624 You crazy, baby. 24 00:00:58,626 --> 00:01:00,959 I've just noticed how hard my man's been working, 25 00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:02,861 and thought he deserved some pampering. 26 00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:04,663 Ho-ho, I ain't wearing no diaper. 27 00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:06,932 And I was thinking, you know that man-cation 28 00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:09,001 you've been wanting to take with the guys? 29 00:01:09,003 --> 00:01:11,170 Why don't you do it this weekend? 30 00:01:11,172 --> 00:01:14,139 Now, sit still and let me fix you a plate. 31 00:01:14,141 --> 00:01:16,208 (upbeat music plays) 32 00:01:23,116 --> 00:01:25,117 Ham-ham-ham-ham-ham. 33 00:01:25,119 --> 00:01:26,985 ALL: She's having an aff. 34 00:01:26,987 --> 00:01:28,821 Ham again? Don't be naive. 35 00:01:28,823 --> 00:01:30,122 When women do nice things without asking, 36 00:01:30,124 --> 00:01:31,957 they're cheating on you. 37 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:34,093 While I agree with you in theory, 38 00:01:34,095 --> 00:01:36,428 I can't believe my Donna would cheat on me. 39 00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:39,765 Then again, what kind of man would I be 40 00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:43,202 if I didn't automatically think the worst about a woman? 41 00:01:43,204 --> 00:01:45,771 Hmm. 42 00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:47,339 REVEREND JENKINS: ...you been lookin' just like 43 00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:48,974 this here wooden boy, 44 00:01:48,976 --> 00:01:53,278 and after all that Geppetto had done for him! 45 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,781 Why are you sweating like a whore in church? 46 00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:57,783 Sh. Don't say "whore" in church. 47 00:01:57,785 --> 00:02:00,018 (sighs) Is he going to talk all day? 48 00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:01,487 This is why I'm an atheist. 49 00:02:01,489 --> 00:02:03,288 Here come the lightning. 50 00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:07,025 And now, here's some goody-goody kid. 51 00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:09,194 Good morning. My name is Hunter, 52 00:02:09,196 --> 00:02:11,196 and I'm a Churchaholic. 53 00:02:11,198 --> 00:02:12,998 Oh, that is clever. So clever. 54 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:14,199 (scoffs) 55 00:02:14,201 --> 00:02:16,969 As a member of the church Youth Choir and Mission Team, 56 00:02:16,971 --> 00:02:20,372 I can tell you it's not always easy being a Christian teenager. 57 00:02:20,374 --> 00:02:22,641 Just look at our culture. Lady Gaga? 58 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:25,110 Where's Lady GodGod? 59 00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:27,946 Justin Bieber? How about Jesus Believer? 60 00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:29,982 Facebook? Uh, no, thank you. 61 00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:31,984 I'll take the Good Book. 62 00:02:31,986 --> 00:02:34,086 Is he (bleep) kidding with this? 63 00:02:34,088 --> 00:02:35,621 (whispers): Don't say (bleep) in church. 64 00:02:35,623 --> 00:02:37,923 So the next time you teens want to go 65 00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:40,125 online or text, 66 00:02:40,127 --> 00:02:43,529 just remember, these hands are made for prayin'. 67 00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:46,098 ♪ 68 00:02:46,100 --> 00:02:50,302 ♪ When my life starts trending downward ♪ 69 00:02:50,304 --> 00:02:53,205 ♪ iChat with my Lord and we Kinect ♪ 70 00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:54,940 ♪ We Kinect ♪ 71 00:02:54,942 --> 00:02:58,277 ♪ If I'm getting trolled by Satan's minions ♪ 72 00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:01,947 ♪ Jesus helps my life autocorrect ♪ 73 00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:03,582 ♪ Autocorrect ♪ 74 00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:06,018 ♪ You can't tweet your way to Heaven ♪ 75 00:03:06,020 --> 00:03:08,620 ♪ I follow Jesus ♪ 76 00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:11,123 ♪ Or text your way from Hell ♪ 77 00:03:11,125 --> 00:03:12,925 ♪ Frowny face ♪ 78 00:03:12,927 --> 00:03:19,097 ♪ We don't need a 4G 'cause our one G-O-D is swell ♪ 79 00:03:19,099 --> 00:03:20,966 Can you hear me now?! 80 00:03:20,968 --> 00:03:23,101 Who falls for this crap? 81 00:03:24,938 --> 00:03:27,806 Boy-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoing! Who's that?! 82 00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:32,277 ♪ If you like the Devil, he will poke you ♪ 83 00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:36,915 ♪ And Foursquare can't locate a soul that's fried ♪ 84 00:03:36,917 --> 00:03:41,019 ♪ No Nano, Shuffle, Pad, Pod or android ♪ 85 00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:44,289 ♪ Will let you Face Time with the big man in the Skype ♪ 86 00:03:44,291 --> 00:03:45,924 ♪ Oh, no 87 00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:49,494 HUNTER AND VANESSA: ♪ 'Cause MySpace is with Jesus 88 00:03:49,496 --> 00:03:50,963 ♪ Remember MySpace ♪ 89 00:03:50,965 --> 00:03:53,799 ♪ And there's no app for Him 90 00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:55,200 ♪ That means "application" ♪ 91 00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:57,869 ♪ When you've emptied your last cache ♪ 92 00:03:57,871 --> 00:04:01,173 ♪ Where will your second life begin? ♪ 93 00:04:01,175 --> 00:04:03,942 (rhythmic clapping) 94 00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:09,248 ♪ My heart is skipping, but not like when I climb stairs ♪ 95 00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:12,684 ♪ My breathing's shallow, but not like when I sleep ♪ 96 00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:16,989 ♪ Her skin is like a flawless piece of cheesecake ♪ 97 00:04:16,991 --> 00:04:18,490 Mmm! 98 00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:21,727 ♪ She's like Vanessa Hudgens but not as cheap ♪ 99 00:04:23,129 --> 00:04:27,199 ♪ I believe in dragons 100 00:04:27,201 --> 00:04:31,169 ♪ Elves and beings from outer space ♪ 101 00:04:32,205 --> 00:04:34,840 ♪ But I never believed in angels ♪ 102 00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:40,012 ♪ Till I saw her face. 103 00:04:40,014 --> 00:04:41,513 (giggles) 104 00:04:42,749 --> 00:04:45,317 Aw, crud, was that out loud? 105 00:04:46,519 --> 00:04:49,488 Hi, I'm Cleveland Brown Jr. 106 00:04:49,490 --> 00:04:50,956 I'm Vanessa. 107 00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:52,924 You've got a really nice singing voice. 108 00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:54,993 I also do impressions. 109 00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:56,595 Hello, I'm Tilda Swinton. 110 00:04:56,597 --> 00:04:58,263 (laughs) 111 00:04:58,265 --> 00:04:59,698 You're funny. 112 00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:02,768 Hey, you should join the Mission Team choir. 113 00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:04,770 We're going to spend a week singing at churches 114 00:05:04,772 --> 00:05:07,472 and building a house for a poor family in North Carolina. 115 00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:09,374 That's like so poor. 116 00:05:09,376 --> 00:05:13,278 We could use a big, strapping guy with a voice like yours. 117 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:17,115 I'll do it! Because I love Jesus. 118 00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:19,184 (Mexican accent): It's-a pronounced hay-sus. 119 00:05:22,422 --> 00:05:25,357 Well, Donna, I'm off to my man-cation 120 00:05:25,359 --> 00:05:29,361 you encouraged so you could be unattended for three days 121 00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:32,698 in this home we have built with our love. 122 00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:34,466 Don't you worry about me, baby. 123 00:05:34,468 --> 00:05:36,802 I'll find somg to fill my . 124 00:05:36,804 --> 00:05:39,204 Mm-hm. 125 00:05:39,972 --> 00:05:41,907 (engine starts) 126 00:05:46,112 --> 00:05:47,412 (tires screech) 127 00:05:53,953 --> 00:05:56,521 That's some CIA stuff, right there. 128 00:06:07,266 --> 00:06:09,701 That's my scarf! 129 00:06:11,971 --> 00:06:14,339 A letter. 130 00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:29,187 Well, time to start anew. 131 00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:30,989 Hey, sweet cheeks! 132 00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:32,157 You goin' with someone? 133 00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:33,825 WOMAN: Yeah. Gary. 134 00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:35,160 A'ight, then. 135 00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:37,095 'Bout your fat friend? 136 00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:38,096 MAN: I'm Gary! 137 00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:39,998 A'ight, I'll catch ya. 138 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,433 (engine starts) 139 00:06:44,370 --> 00:06:47,973 Well, I'm off to sing about Jesus and crap. 140 00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:50,041 Kids, you're going to the movies. 141 00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:52,043 No Travolta. 142 00:06:57,350 --> 00:06:59,451 Ah-ha! (gasps) Cleveland! 143 00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:01,753 Wh-what are you doing here?! 144 00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:04,456 Well, I'm not cheating on my husband in the house 145 00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:08,360 where he pays a third of the mortgage, that's for sure! 146 00:07:08,362 --> 00:07:10,061 Cleveland, I'm not having an affair. 147 00:07:12,131 --> 00:07:13,498 Before you ever came back to town, 148 00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:16,001 I dated a guy named Maurice. 149 00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:17,869 We went out a couple times and then 150 00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:19,504 he was shipped off to Iraq. 151 00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:21,506 The war one? Yes. 152 00:07:21,508 --> 00:07:24,643 He wrote me letters, and I wrote him back. 153 00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:27,045 You should have heard some of the things he told me. 154 00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:28,914 I don't care what they say on the news, 155 00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:30,615 Iraq sounds really unpleasant. 156 00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:31,983 I don't watch the news. 157 00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:33,819 I haven't heard from him in a long time, 158 00:07:33,821 --> 00:07:35,921 but then I got a letter saying he was coming back 159 00:07:35,923 --> 00:07:37,823 and wanted to see me. 160 00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:39,024 He was fighting for our country. 161 00:07:39,026 --> 00:07:41,626 It was the least I could do. 162 00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:44,629 No, the least you could do is put a yellow ribbon magnet 163 00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:47,098 on the back of your SUV. 164 00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:50,035 You are my wife whether you like it or not. 165 00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:52,838 So, when this Maurice person gets here, 166 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:55,040 I'm going to tell him the truth! 167 00:07:55,042 --> 00:07:57,442 (doorbell rings) 168 00:07:57,444 --> 00:08:00,178 Hello. I'm Maurice. Who are you? 169 00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:01,480 I'm... uh, 170 00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:04,649 I'm... Donna's brother, Cleveson. 171 00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:08,753 And now I'm gonna have to remember that. 172 00:08:08,755 --> 00:08:10,522 My name is Cleveson. 173 00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:12,591 Hi. 174 00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:22,801 Donna, your friend is (clears throat) 175 00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:24,436 shorter than I imagined. 176 00:08:24,438 --> 00:08:25,871 I saw that, Cleveland. 177 00:08:25,873 --> 00:08:28,206 That must be why I haven't heard from him in so long. 178 00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:30,876 Well, the sooner you get in there and tell him the truth, 179 00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:32,944 the sooner you can start dinner. 180 00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:35,080 If it's that easy, then why didn't you tell him, 181 00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:36,948 Cleveson? 182 00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:39,084 I was caught off guard. 183 00:08:39,086 --> 00:08:40,785 At least I had the presence of mind 184 00:08:40,787 --> 00:08:42,687 not to tack on an Irish accent, 185 00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:44,789 which you know I could've. 186 00:08:44,791 --> 00:08:46,658 (with Irish accent): Po-tay-toes. 187 00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:49,094 (upbeat music plays) 188 00:08:49,096 --> 00:08:56,001 ♪ I want to go all the way with you, my Lord ♪ 189 00:08:56,003 --> 00:08:59,471 ♪ I want to go all the way with you ♪ 190 00:08:59,473 --> 00:09:04,276 ♪ To Heaven! 191 00:09:04,278 --> 00:09:05,977 Great job, everyone! 192 00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:07,512 Jesus loves you! 193 00:09:10,650 --> 00:09:12,617 You sounded really good today, Junio. 194 00:09:12,619 --> 00:09:14,753 Thanks, Vanessa. So did you. 195 00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:17,255 I really liked your solo about abortion. 196 00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:19,791 You sounded just le a sad fetus! 197 00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:20,992 Thanks! 198 00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:22,661 I'm so glad you joined the group. (moans) 199 00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:24,763 See you tomorrow! 200 00:09:27,166 --> 00:09:30,335 So, Junior, I haven't seen you at church before. 201 00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:33,104 Uh, no. My parents home-church me. 202 00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:37,108 Well played. Okay then, I guess I'll just see you tomorrow. 203 00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:38,510 Oh, uh, one more thing. 204 00:09:38,512 --> 00:09:40,912 I checked the roster of the Stoolbend High Atheist Club 205 00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:44,115 and found out you're the sole member and vice president. 206 00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:46,618 Well, that wasn't very Christian of you. 207 00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:48,920 Vanessa's mine! 208 00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,822 So stay away from her. 209 00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:51,923 Understand? 210 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,725 Yeah. 211 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:55,860 Wait, what is that? 212 00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:58,129 A bobby pin? What?! 213 00:09:58,131 --> 00:09:58,964 That's weird. 214 00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:00,966 It sure is. 215 00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:04,002 I mean, why would a 15-year-old boy 216 00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:06,371 have a bobby pin in his thick, curly, 217 00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:09,040 Mark Feuerstein-like hair? 218 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:11,543 This bobby pin wouldn't be for a... 219 00:10:11,545 --> 00:10:13,111 "yar-mul-kay"? 220 00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,579 It's yarmulke! Ah-ha! 221 00:10:14,581 --> 00:10:16,081 Okay, fine! I'm Jewish, so what?! 222 00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:17,182 So what?! 223 00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:19,017 You're dog the same thin! 224 00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:20,085 Except your family would definitely 225 00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:21,753 be more upset about it. 226 00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:23,588 Look, Junior. I've been working this Christian angle 227 00:10:23,590 --> 00:10:25,657 for a year now just to get close to Vanessa. 228 00:10:25,659 --> 00:10:27,759 I am not about to let you step in now 229 00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:29,027 and take her away from me! 230 00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:30,662 Maybe I'll tell her you've been lying. 231 00:10:30,664 --> 00:10:31,963 Maybe I'll tell her you've been lying! 232 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:34,032 (gasp) You're a monster! 233 00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:36,701 Yeah, I just said what you said! Fair enough. 234 00:10:36,703 --> 00:10:39,170 You don't destroy me, I don't destroy you. 235 00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:41,006 But I will defeat you. 236 00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:43,008 And Vanessa will be mine. 237 00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:45,143 I'm gonna need that bobby pin back. 238 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,545 (a la Woody Allen) My mother buys them wholesale. 239 00:10:51,117 --> 00:10:56,688 ♪ Vanessa, I'm sorry for my web of lies ♪ 240 00:10:56,690 --> 00:11:00,959 ♪ But I love you more than that other guy ♪ 241 00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:05,263 ♪ Like that Jew hunter in Basterds, Inglouriou♪ 242 00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:09,668 ♪ This Jew named Hunter will not be victorious ♪ 243 00:11:11,270 --> 00:11:17,042 ♪ Vanessa, I've never met a girl like you ♪ 244 00:11:17,044 --> 00:11:21,179 ♪ Not at school or any mixer 245 00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:24,849 ♪ Junior's pursuit of you is through ♪ 246 00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:30,689 ♪ I will not let him take my shiksa ♪ 247 00:11:30,691 --> 00:11:35,026 ♪ We'll look beautiful at the prom ♪ 248 00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:38,863 ♪ I'll introduce her to my mom 249 00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:41,332 ♪ Eventually 250 00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:42,934 Eventually. 251 00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:47,305 ♪ What makes you think she even wants you? ♪ 252 00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:51,843 ♪ Because like Jesus, I am Hebrew ♪ 253 00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:54,612 Hun? You're? 254 00:11:54,614 --> 00:11:56,815 Yeah, well, Junior doesn't even believe in God! 255 00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:57,949 Junior? 256 00:11:57,951 --> 00:11:59,451 That's true, too. 257 00:11:59,453 --> 00:12:02,754 So, you were both lying about being Christians 258 00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:04,089 just to be with me? 259 00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:05,323 Yeah. Sorry. 260 00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:06,324 Wow. 261 00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:08,093 You guys are bad. 262 00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:10,128 Really bad. 263 00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:11,162 That's... 264 00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:13,298 kind of exciting. 265 00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:14,966 That's kind of... 266 00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:16,634 sexy. 267 00:12:16,636 --> 00:12:18,036 Uh, excuse me? Sex what? 268 00:12:19,305 --> 00:12:23,208 ♪ You guys are as bad as bad can be ♪ 269 00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:27,011 ♪ Lying to get a Christian girl ♪ 270 00:12:27,013 --> 00:12:29,481 ♪ Well, now you got her 271 00:12:29,483 --> 00:12:37,021 ♪ You're totally going to Hell for me ♪ 272 00:12:37,023 --> 00:12:38,423 BOTH: We don't believe in Hell. 273 00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:42,127 ♪ Oh, that is even hotter. 274 00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:44,929 I've never felt like this before. 275 00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:47,165 When we get to North Carolina, 276 00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:50,201 I'm going to tear you two up. 277 00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:51,603 Tear us up?! 278 00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:52,971 I just wanted to smooch. 279 00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:54,806 Yeah, and I just wanted to take you 280 00:12:54,808 --> 00:12:56,141 to the soda fountain for a phosphate. 281 00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:58,877 Ooh, is that like a Jewish sex thing? 282 00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:00,745 'Cause I heard you guys are really kinky. 283 00:13:00,747 --> 00:13:02,280 Not true at all. 284 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,982 Get ready, boys, 285 00:13:03,984 --> 00:13:06,117 because when I'm done with you, 286 00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:08,453 you will both see 287 00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:10,255 God. 288 00:13:12,324 --> 00:13:13,558 (both scream) 289 00:13:16,128 --> 00:13:18,496 Maurice, let me just say that I appreciate 290 00:13:18,498 --> 00:13:20,098 your service more than these other guys 291 00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:22,200 because I'm a Republican. 292 00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:25,103 And while cowardice has prevented me from serving, 293 00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:28,139 I will shamelessly behave as if your sacrifice is my own. 294 00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,542 At ease, Billy Ray. 295 00:13:30,544 --> 00:13:33,478 Cleveson, I know we've only known each other for a few days, 296 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,513 but I wanted to ask you, Cleveson, 297 00:13:35,515 --> 00:13:37,448 would you be my best man? 298 00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:39,350 Wh! Hells! 299 00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:42,120 I'd be honored. Who you marrying, BTW? 300 00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:42,987 Your sister. 301 00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:44,155 I don't have a sister. 302 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:45,590 Donna! 303 00:13:45,592 --> 00:13:46,624 Oh. 304 00:13:46,626 --> 00:13:47,959 Oh! 305 00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:49,961 Oh, Cleveson. 306 00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:52,463 Wow, I am so embarrassed. 307 00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:55,633 I've been calling Cleveson, "Cleveland" for years. 308 00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:57,702 And I didn't know he was married to his sister. 309 00:13:57,704 --> 00:13:59,170 I approve. 310 00:14:00,706 --> 00:14:03,474 Oh, good. I'm glad you're both here. 311 00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:05,810 Donna, I need to ask you something. 312 00:14:05,812 --> 00:14:08,580 Wait! Donna, there's something I was going to tell you... 313 00:14:08,582 --> 00:14:11,182 but I don't remember what it was. 314 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:12,517 Hmm. 315 00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:14,085 Oh, well, go ahead, Maurice. 316 00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:16,521 Donna Tubbs, will you marry me? 317 00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:18,423 (yells) Holy balls! 318 00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:19,924 Oh, right! 319 00:14:19,926 --> 00:14:24,295 Oh, Maurice, there's something I should have told you long ago, 320 00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:26,064 but I haven't had the strength. 321 00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:30,001 (long sigh) 322 00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:32,036 I'm already married. 323 00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:33,104 To Cleveland. 324 00:14:33,106 --> 00:14:34,205 Who's Cleveland? 325 00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,107 Cleveson is Cleveland. 326 00:14:36,109 --> 00:14:37,775 And he's not my brother. 327 00:14:37,777 --> 00:14:39,143 He's my husband. 328 00:14:39,145 --> 00:14:41,479 Hi, Cleveland Brown. Nice to finally meet you. 329 00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:42,780 You both lied to me? 330 00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:43,781 Well, hers was worse. 331 00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:45,116 You've only known me two days. 332 00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:47,085 I'm just saying. 333 00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:49,687 We are both equally at fault. 334 00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:51,522 I am so sorry. 335 00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:53,992 And you can stay here as long as you need to. 336 00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:55,360 I don't know what hurts worse, 337 00:14:55,362 --> 00:14:57,762 when I lost my legs or when you broke my heart. 338 00:14:57,764 --> 00:14:59,631 Well, obviously when I lost my legs, 339 00:14:59,633 --> 00:15:00,965 but this hurts, too! 340 00:15:00,967 --> 00:15:03,701 I can't even look at your faces. 341 00:15:03,703 --> 00:15:05,003 (sobs) 342 00:15:06,005 --> 00:15:09,207 (sobbing) 343 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:16,781 Oh, whoa! 344 00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:18,850 (sobbing) 345 00:15:22,321 --> 00:15:24,856 He would be awful at Murderball. 346 00:15:32,831 --> 00:15:35,166 I would like to go on record as saying 347 00:15:35,168 --> 00:15:39,604 you have made every wrong choice imaginable in this situation. 348 00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:42,140 Maurice, I've got great news! 349 00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:43,975 You're gonna want to sit down for this... 350 00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:47,011 sah, sah, sah, sah... (clears throat nervously) 351 00:15:47,013 --> 00:15:50,481 We have arranged for a citywide parade 352 00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:53,017 to honor your military service! 353 00:15:53,019 --> 00:15:57,155 And, you will be presented with the Stoolbend Medal of Valor 354 00:15:57,157 --> 00:16:00,825 in a ceremony I will later post on the YouTubes! 355 00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:02,126 You've earned it, soldier. 356 00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:03,328 So, we cool? 357 00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:04,796 No, we not cool! 358 00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:06,931 You think you can just give me some consolation medal 359 00:16:06,933 --> 00:16:08,199 and kick met in the str? 360 00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:09,767 You probably want me homeless, out there 361 00:16:09,769 --> 00:16:10,969 washing windshields with a squeegee! 362 00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:13,538 Tell you what, I'll wash your windows right now. 363 00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:14,605 (spitting) 364 00:16:15,941 --> 00:16:18,109 Aw, he's just making it dirtier. 365 00:16:18,111 --> 00:16:20,345 Of course we won't kick you out, Maurice. 366 00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:22,780 You can stay here until you get back on your feet... 367 00:16:22,782 --> 00:16:25,917 tah, tah, tah... (clears throat nervously) 368 00:16:37,463 --> 00:16:39,130 Hey, guys. 369 00:16:39,132 --> 00:16:40,965 The three of us can sneak out tonight 370 00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:43,034 and I'll do you both in the new house! 371 00:16:43,036 --> 00:16:46,104 You guys are sinners. 372 00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:49,173 And I'm going to suck the Devil out of you. 373 00:16:50,943 --> 00:16:53,011 Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. 374 00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:54,912 I am so not ready to have sex. 375 00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:57,081 I don't even know what I'm doing! 376 00:16:57,083 --> 00:16:59,083 I've never even had a girlfriend. 377 00:16:59,085 --> 00:17:02,020 My mom says she's the only woman I'll ever need. 378 00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:03,921 God, e that's . 379 00:17:03,923 --> 00:17:06,824 Want to flip a coin to see who goes first? 380 00:17:06,826 --> 00:17:08,026 Sure. 381 00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:10,395 Heads you go, tails I go. 382 00:17:13,098 --> 00:17:15,133 (gulps) Good luck. 383 00:17:15,135 --> 00:17:17,835 I just hope she doesn't use foul language. 384 00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:20,538 Or hook my nipples up to a car battery. 385 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,940 MAN (on TV): That ol' prospector's hold up in the mine. 386 00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:25,009 (gunshot) MAN 2: Careful Sheriff. 387 00:17:25,011 --> 00:17:27,078 You hit that dynamite and we're all goners! Hey, old-timer, 388 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,414 throw out your guns and come out peaceful-like. 389 00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:31,349 (gunshots) Say something to him. 390 00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:33,618 No, you say something. You're the man-- you say it. 391 00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:35,953 MAN 3: How about I teach your grandma to suck eggs! (clears throat) 392 00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:37,655 Sir, do you mind? 393 00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:39,290 This is y movie night. 394 00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:41,626 It's his movie night hat. 395 00:17:41,628 --> 00:17:43,961 (crickets chirping) 396 00:17:43,963 --> 00:17:46,798 Oh, please be dead. Please be dead. 397 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:48,433 Please be dead. 398 00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:50,001 Vanessa? 399 00:17:53,872 --> 00:17:55,873 (gulps) 400 00:17:56,975 --> 00:18:00,411 Get over here, you bad boy. 401 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:03,981 (whining) 402 00:18:03,983 --> 00:18:05,483 Um, God? 403 00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:07,151 Look, I know I've said for years 404 00:18:07,153 --> 00:18:08,820 that I don't believe in you, 405 00:18:08,822 --> 00:18:10,855 but if anyone's used to dealing with hypocrites 406 00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:12,924 it would be you, right? (chuckles) 407 00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:15,326 Anyway, if you do exist, 408 00:18:15,328 --> 00:18:19,163 this would be a really good time to intervene. 409 00:18:19,698 --> 00:18:21,032 (groans) 410 00:18:21,034 --> 00:18:22,567 That's what I thought. 411 00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:31,275 Fire! 412 00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:32,743 The house is on fire! 413 00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:34,879 You guys got to get out of here right now! 414 00:18:36,482 --> 00:18:38,616 (both grunting and moaning) 415 00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:41,152 (panting) 416 00:18:42,921 --> 00:18:46,090 (indistinct radio transmission) 417 00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:48,092 Thanks, m. I owe you . 418 00:18:48,094 --> 00:18:50,128 And gas money. 419 00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:51,929 Guys, can you believe this? 420 00:18:51,931 --> 00:18:54,465 I guess we'll just have to try again tomorrow. 421 00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:56,634 Damn, Vanessa, you're like a goat. 422 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,202 Yeah, I think tomorrow Junior and I 423 00:18:58,204 --> 00:18:59,971 are going to be busy rebuilding that house. 424 00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,506 Rebuild? 425 00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:03,941 I thought you guys were cool. 426 00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:07,011 Yeah, well, I know another carpenter who was pretty cool, 427 00:19:07,013 --> 00:19:09,514 who gave of himself to those in need. 428 00:19:09,516 --> 00:19:12,116 His name was Ty Pennington. 429 00:19:12,118 --> 00:19:14,986 And he's a virgin, too. 430 00:19:17,923 --> 00:19:20,525 (fanfare playing) 431 00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:23,127 I never understood parades. 432 00:19:23,129 --> 00:19:25,129 It's just a bunch people standing around 433 00:19:25,131 --> 00:19:26,430 cheering for traffic. 434 00:19:26,432 --> 00:19:28,432 Should I tweet that? Why not? 435 00:19:28,434 --> 00:19:31,335 You've only got four followers. (clicking) 436 00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:32,970 (phone buzzes) 437 00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:36,207 Ha! Parades are dumb. 438 00:19:36,209 --> 00:19:37,708 (dramatic music plays) 439 00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:41,212 (booming shots) 440 00:19:42,748 --> 00:19:46,117 CROWD (chanting): USA! USA! USA! 441 00:19:46,119 --> 00:19:49,487 USA! USA! 442 00:19:49,489 --> 00:19:51,956 (crowd cheering) 443 00:19:51,958 --> 00:19:54,659 Maurice, we're just trying to say we're sorry. 444 00:19:54,661 --> 00:19:56,360 Sorry? We're long past sorry. 445 00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:58,095 What else do you want us to do? 446 00:19:58,097 --> 00:19:59,497 I want you to suffer. 447 00:19:59,499 --> 00:20:00,965 You're both awful people. 448 00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:04,835 We only lied to spare your feelings and we apologized. 449 00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:06,637 So, either forgive us or don't 450 00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:08,172 but stop being a dick! 451 00:20:08,174 --> 00:20:09,941 Well, if that's how you feel then 452 00:20:09,943 --> 00:20:11,475 why don't you do something about it? 453 00:20:11,477 --> 00:20:13,244 Stop it! Make me stop! 454 00:20:13,246 --> 00:20:14,345 Come on! (grunts) 455 00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:16,447 You just gonna stand there and let me hit you? 456 00:20:16,449 --> 00:20:17,815 Hit me back! Come on. (grunts) 457 00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:19,350 You lying pansy! Hit me! 458 00:20:19,352 --> 00:20:20,651 (growls) 459 00:20:22,921 --> 00:20:24,488 (Donna shrieks) (crowd gasps) 460 00:20:25,791 --> 00:20:28,192 Oh, my God, I punched a wheelchair guy! 461 00:20:28,194 --> 00:20:30,595 (crowd booing) 462 00:20:32,531 --> 00:20:34,332 Everybody shut up! 463 00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:36,467 You know, this is the first time anyone's 464 00:20:36,469 --> 00:20:38,269 treated me like a man since my injury. 465 00:20:38,271 --> 00:20:39,937 And that's all I ever wanted, Donna. 466 00:20:39,939 --> 00:20:43,341 Just to be treated with respect, like any other man. 467 00:20:43,343 --> 00:20:46,444 I am so sorry I lied to you, Maurice. 468 00:20:46,446 --> 00:20:48,679 I know. And I forgive you. 469 00:20:49,948 --> 00:20:51,482 Thanks, Cleveland. 470 00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:53,017 Take good care of our girl, okay? 471 00:20:53,019 --> 00:20:54,452 Will do. 472 00:20:54,454 --> 00:20:55,920 Roll on, soldier. 473 00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:57,655 See ya in Avatar.