(funky disco plays) ♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
♪ And I am proud to be
♪ Right back in my hometown
♪ With my new family
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share
♪ And so I found a place
♪ Where everyone will know
♪ My happy mustached face
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
(chuckles)
Welcome home, baby. How as your day?
Fine. Found a dead rat in the truck.
It smelled pretty bad, but I kind of didn't mind
because it was so different from
anything else I'd smelled in a while. You?
Oh, I've just been doing a few things around the house.
Spiral sliced ham and green bottled beer?!
Have you been reading my wish journal?
(laughs)
You crazy, baby.
I've just noticed how hard my man's been working,
and thought he deserved some pampering.
Ho-ho, I ain't wearing no diaper.
And I was thinking, you know that man-cation
you've been wanting to take with the guys?
Why don't you do it this weekend?
Now, sit still and let me fix you a plate.
(upbeat music plays)
Ham-ham-ham-ham-ham.
ALL: She's having an aff.
Ham again? Don't be naive.
When women do nice things without asking,
they're cheating on you.
While I agree with you in theory,
I can't believe my Donna would cheat on me.
Then again, what kind of man would I be
if I didn't automatically think the worst about a woman?
Hmm.
REVEREND JENKINS: ...you been lookin' just like
this here wooden boy,
and after all that Geppetto had done for him!
Why are you sweating like a whore in church?
Sh. Don't say "whore" in church.
(sighs) Is he going to talk all day?
This is why I'm an atheist.
Here come the lightning.
And now, here's some goody-goody kid.
Good morning. My name is Hunter,
and I'm a Churchaholic.
Oh, that is clever. So clever.
(scoffs)
As a member of the church Youth Choir and Mission Team,
I can tell you it's not always easy being a Christian teenager.
Just look at our culture. Lady Gaga?
Where's Lady GodGod?
Justin Bieber? How about Jesus Believer?
Facebook? Uh, no, thank you.
I'll take the Good Book.
Is he (bleep) kidding with this?
(whispers): Don't say (bleep) in church.
So the next time you teens want to go
online or text,
just remember, these hands are made for prayin'.
♪
♪ When my life starts trending downward ♪
♪ iChat with my Lord and we Kinect ♪
♪ We Kinect ♪
♪ If I'm getting trolled by Satan's minions ♪
♪ Jesus helps my life autocorrect ♪
♪ Autocorrect ♪
♪ You can't tweet your way to Heaven ♪
♪ I follow Jesus ♪
♪ Or text your way from Hell ♪
♪ Frowny face ♪
♪ We don't need a 4G 'cause our one G-O-D is swell ♪
Can you hear me now?!
Who falls for this crap?
Boy-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoing! Who's that?!
♪ If you like the Devil, he will poke you ♪
♪ And Foursquare can't locate a soul that's fried ♪
♪ No Nano, Shuffle, Pad, Pod or android ♪
♪ Will let you Face Time with the big man in the Skype ♪
♪ Oh, no
HUNTER AND VANESSA: ♪ 'Cause MySpace is with Jesus
♪ Remember MySpace ♪
♪ And there's no app for Him
♪ That means "application" ♪
♪ When you've emptied your last cache ♪
♪ Where will your second life begin? ♪
(rhythmic clapping)
♪ My heart is skipping, but not like when I climb stairs ♪
♪ My breathing's shallow, but not like when I sleep ♪
♪ Her skin is like a flawless piece of cheesecake ♪
Mmm!
♪ She's like Vanessa Hudgens but not as cheap ♪
♪ I believe in dragons
♪ Elves and beings from outer space ♪
♪ But I never believed in angels ♪
♪ Till I saw her face.
(giggles)
Aw, crud, was that out loud?
Hi, I'm Cleveland Brown Jr.
I'm Vanessa.
You've got a really nice singing voice.
I also do impressions.
Hello, I'm Tilda Swinton.
(laughs)
You're funny.
Hey, you should join the Mission Team choir.
We're going to spend a week singing at churches
and building a house for a poor family in North Carolina.
That's like so poor.
We could use a big, strapping guy with a voice like yours.
I'll do it! Because I love Jesus.
(Mexican accent): It's-a pronounced hay-sus.
Well, Donna, I'm off to my man-cation
you encouraged so you could be unattended for three days
in this home we have built with our love.
Don't you worry about me, baby.
I'll find somg to fill my .
Mm-hm.
(engine starts)
(tires screech)
That's some CIA stuff, right there.
That's my scarf!
A letter.
Well, time to start anew.
Hey, sweet cheeks!
You goin' with someone?
WOMAN: Yeah. Gary.
A'ight, then.
'Bout your fat friend?
MAN: I'm Gary!
A'ight, I'll catch ya.
(engine starts)
Well, I'm off to sing about Jesus and crap.
Kids, you're going to the movies.
No Travolta.
Ah-ha! (gasps) Cleveland!
Wh-what are you doing here?!
Well, I'm not cheating on my husband in the house
where he pays a third of the mortgage, that's for sure!
Cleveland, I'm not having an affair.
Before you ever came back to town,
I dated a guy named Maurice.
We went out a couple times and then
he was shipped off to Iraq.
The war one? Yes.
He wrote me letters, and I wrote him back.
You should have heard some of the things he told me.
I don't care what they say on the news,
Iraq sounds really unpleasant.
I don't watch the news.
I haven't heard from him in a long time,
but then I got a letter saying he was coming back
and wanted to see me.
He was fighting for our country.
It was the least I could do.
No, the least you could do is put a yellow ribbon magnet
on the back of your SUV.
You are my wife whether you like it or not.
So, when this Maurice person gets here,
I'm going to tell him the truth!
(doorbell rings)
Hello. I'm Maurice. Who are you?
I'm... uh,
I'm... Donna's brother, Cleveson.
And now I'm gonna have to remember that.
My name is Cleveson.
Hi.
Donna, your friend is (clears throat)
shorter than I imagined.
I saw that, Cleveland.
That must be why I haven't heard from him in so long.
Well, the sooner you get in there and tell him the truth,
the sooner you can start dinner.
If it's that easy, then why didn't you tell him,
Cleveson?
I was caught off guard.
At least I had the presence of mind
not to tack on an Irish accent,
which you know I could've.
(with Irish accent): Po-tay-toes.
(upbeat music plays)
♪ I want to go all the way with you, my Lord ♪
♪ I want to go all the way with you ♪
♪ To Heaven!
Great job, everyone!
Jesus loves you!
You sounded really good today, Junio.
Thanks, Vanessa. So did you.
I really liked your solo about abortion.
You sounded just le a sad fetus!
Thanks!
I'm so glad you joined the group. (moans)
See you tomorrow!
So, Junior, I haven't seen you at church before.
Uh, no. My parents home-church me.
Well played. Okay then, I guess I'll just see you tomorrow.
Oh, uh, one more thing.
I checked the roster of the Stoolbend High Atheist Club
and found out you're the sole member and vice president.
Well, that wasn't very Christian of you.
Vanessa's mine!
So stay away from her.
Understand?
Yeah.
Wait, what is that?
A bobby pin? What?!
That's weird.
It sure is.
I mean, why would a 15-year-old boy
have a bobby pin in his thick, curly,
Mark Feuerstein-like hair?
This bobby pin wouldn't be for a...
"yar-mul-kay"?
It's yarmulke! Ah-ha!
Okay, fine! I'm Jewish, so what?!
So what?!
You're dog the same thin!
Except your family would definitely
be more upset about it.
Look, Junior. I've been working this Christian angle
for a year now just to get close to Vanessa.
I am not about to let you step in now
and take her away from me!
Maybe I'll tell her you've been lying.
Maybe I'll tell her you've been lying!
(gasp) You're a monster!
Yeah, I just said what you said! Fair enough.
You don't destroy me, I don't destroy you.
But I will defeat you.
And Vanessa will be mine.
I'm gonna need that bobby pin back.
(a la Woody Allen) My mother buys them wholesale.
♪ Vanessa, I'm sorry for my web of lies ♪
♪ But I love you more than that other guy ♪
♪ Like that Jew hunter in Basterds, Inglouriou♪
♪ This Jew named Hunter will not be victorious ♪
♪ Vanessa, I've never met a girl like you ♪
♪ Not at school or any mixer
♪ Junior's pursuit of you is through ♪
♪ I will not let him take my shiksa ♪
♪ We'll look beautiful at the prom ♪
♪ I'll introduce her to my mom
♪ Eventually
Eventually.
♪ What makes you think she even wants you? ♪
♪ Because like Jesus, I am Hebrew ♪
Hun? You're?
Yeah, well, Junior doesn't even believe in God!
Junior?
That's true, too.
So, you were both lying about being Christians
just to be with me?
Yeah. Sorry.
Wow.
You guys are bad.
Really bad.
That's...
kind of exciting.
That's kind of...
sexy.
Uh, excuse me? Sex what?
♪ You guys are as bad as bad can be ♪
♪ Lying to get a Christian girl ♪
♪ Well, now you got her
♪ You're totally going to Hell for me ♪
BOTH: We don't believe in Hell.
♪ Oh, that is even hotter.
I've never felt like this before.
When we get to North Carolina,
I'm going to tear you two up.
Tear us up?!
I just wanted to smooch.
Yeah, and I just wanted to take you
to the soda fountain for a phosphate.
Ooh, is that like a Jewish sex thing?
'Cause I heard you guys are really kinky.
Not true at all.
Get ready, boys,
because when I'm done with you,
you will both see
God.
(both scream)
Maurice, let me just say that I appreciate
your service more than these other guys
because I'm a Republican.
And while cowardice has prevented me from serving,
I will shamelessly behave as if your sacrifice is my own.
At ease, Billy Ray.
Cleveson, I know we've only known each other for a few days,
but I wanted to ask you, Cleveson,
would you be my best man?
Wh! Hells!
I'd be honored. Who you marrying, BTW?
Your sister.
I don't have a sister.
Donna!
Oh.
Oh!
Oh, Cleveson.
Wow, I am so embarrassed.
I've been calling Cleveson, "Cleveland" for years.
And I didn't know he was married to his sister.
I approve.
Oh, good. I'm glad you're both here.
Donna, I need to ask you something.
Wait! Donna, there's something I was going to tell you...
but I don't remember what it was.
Hmm.
Oh, well, go ahead, Maurice.
Donna Tubbs, will you marry me?
(yells) Holy balls!
Oh, right!
Oh, Maurice, there's something I should have told you long ago,
but I haven't had the strength.
(long sigh)
I'm already married.
To Cleveland.
Who's Cleveland?
Cleveson is Cleveland.
And he's not my brother.
He's my husband.
Hi, Cleveland Brown. Nice to finally meet you.
You both lied to me?
Well, hers was worse.
You've only known me two days.
I'm just saying.
We are both equally at fault.
I am so sorry.
And you can stay here as long as you need to.
I don't know what hurts worse,
when I lost my legs or when you broke my heart.
Well, obviously when I lost my legs,
but this hurts, too!
I can't even look at your faces.
(sobs)
(sobbing)
Oh, whoa!
(sobbing)
He would be awful at Murderball.
I would like to go on record as saying
you have made every wrong choice imaginable in this situation.
Maurice, I've got great news!
You're gonna want to sit down for this...
sah, sah, sah, sah... (clears throat nervously)
We have arranged for a citywide parade
to honor your military service!
And, you will be presented with the Stoolbend Medal of Valor
in a ceremony I will later post on the YouTubes!
You've earned it, soldier.
So, we cool?
No, we not cool!
You think you can just give me some consolation medal
and kick met in the str?
You probably want me homeless, out there
washing windshields with a squeegee!
Tell you what, I'll wash your windows right now.
(spitting)
Aw, he's just making it dirtier.
Of course we won't kick you out, Maurice.
You can stay here until you get back on your feet...
tah, tah, tah... (clears throat nervously)
Hey, guys.
The three of us can sneak out tonight
and I'll do you both in the new house!
You guys are sinners.
And I'm going to suck the Devil out of you.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
I am so not ready to have sex.
I don't even know what I'm doing!
I've never even had a girlfriend.
My mom says she's the only woman I'll ever need.
God, e that's .
Want to flip a coin to see who goes first?
Sure.
Heads you go, tails I go.
(gulps) Good luck.
I just hope she doesn't use foul language.
Or hook my nipples up to a car battery.
MAN (on TV): That ol' prospector's hold up in the mine.
(gunshot) MAN 2: Careful Sheriff.
You hit that dynamite and we're all goners! Hey, old-timer,
throw out your guns and come out peaceful-like.
(gunshots) Say something to him.
No, you say something. You're the man-- you say it.
MAN 3: How about I teach your grandma to suck eggs! (clears throat)
Sir, do you mind?
This is y movie night.
It's his movie night hat.
(crickets chirping)
Oh, please be dead. Please be dead.
Vanessa?
(gulps)
Get over here, you bad boy.
(whining)
Um, God?
Look, I know I've said for years
that I don't believe in you,
but if anyone's used to dealing with hypocrites
it would be you, right? (chuckles)
Anyway, if you do exist,
this would be a really good time to intervene.
(groans)
That's what I thought.
Fire!
The house is on fire!
You guys got to get out of here right now!
(both grunting and moaning)
(panting)
(indistinct radio transmission)
Thanks, m. I owe you .
And gas money.
Guys, can you believe this?
I guess we'll just have to try again tomorrow.
Damn, Vanessa, you're like a goat.
Yeah, I think tomorrow Junior and I
are going to be busy rebuilding that house.
Rebuild?
I thought you guys were cool.
Yeah, well, I know another carpenter who was pretty cool,
who gave of himself to those in need.
His name was Ty Pennington.
And he's a virgin, too.
(fanfare playing)
I never understood parades.
It's just a bunch people standing around
cheering for traffic.
Should I tweet that? Why not?
You've only got four followers. (clicking)
(phone buzzes)
Ha! Parades are dumb.
(dramatic music plays)
(booming shots)
CROWD (chanting): USA! USA! USA!
USA! USA!
(crowd cheering)
Maurice, we're just trying to say we're sorry.
Sorry? We're long past sorry.
What else do you want us to do?
I want you to suffer.
You're both awful people.
We only lied to spare your feelings and we apologized.
So, either forgive us or don't
but stop being a dick!
Well, if that's how you feel then
why don't you do something about it?
Stop it! Make me stop!
Come on! (grunts)
You just gonna stand there and let me hit you?
Hit me back! Come on. (grunts)
You lying pansy! Hit me!
(growls)
(Donna shrieks) (crowd gasps)
Oh, my God, I punched a wheelchair guy!
(crowd booing)
Everybody shut up!
You know, this is the first time anyone's
treated me like a man since my injury.
And that's all I ever wanted, Donna.
Just to be treated with respect, like any other man.
I am so sorry I lied to you, Maurice.
I know. And I forgive you.
Thanks, Cleveland.
Take good care of our girl, okay?
Will do.
Roll on, soldier.
See ya in Avatar.