(funky disco plays) ♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
♪ And I am proud to be
♪ Right back in my hometown
♪ With my new family
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share
♪ And so I found a place
♪ Where everyone will know
♪ My happy mustached face
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
(chuckles)
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na, na ♪
♪ Turning 63, my dad is turning 63 ♪
♪ I really think so
♪ Doe, doe, doe, doe-doe, doe-doe. ♪
Trying to please a man who don't want you.
(doorbell rings)
Ooh, that's Robert. How do I look?
Ugh, Robert? He's the worst.
No job, no family, does whatever he wants.
I wish I was him.
'Sup, Doughboy?
Uch, Robert! You're the worst.
I wish I was you.
Dah! Did you feel that? I didn't.
Hand over my ali-money.
You'll never find it
because I keep my money in a neck bag like a tourist.
(both grunting)
Stop fighting over me!
Enough! I have had it!
You must be the two biggest jackasses on the planet.
Oh, you know what I just remembered?
I don't have to listen to this.
Come on, Roberta.
I'm taking you out on your stepdaddy's dime.
I hope we're going for pancakes.
Turd.
(sighs) Want to do it?
No.
Cleveland, you and Robert fighting has got to stop.
Maybe you can invite him to your dad's birthday party.
Okay.
Really? That's it?
You'll just do it? Sure.
You're gonna wear me down eventually.
I might as well just give in now.
ANNOUNCER: This joke brought to you by marriage.
Marriage-- it's just a never-ending compromise.
SINGERS: ♪ And a slow death...
I'm Captain Johnny Depp, and I put my artistic integrity
in question for a billion dollars.
(gasps) Blackbeard!
A blacker beard than Jada Pinkett Smith.
And you, sir, have enough booty for several pirates.
Let's do this.
(both grunting)
By the way, nice costume.
What's your beard made of?
Hair from the drain.
No wonder you smell like Cleveland's butt.
He-yah!
(gasps) Oh, suck!
What was that noise?
Nothing. Junior broke your recorder!
Really?
My $1,100 Berchtesgaden Fleitl?
Damn it, this is why I told you
not to play Gay-Disney Pirate Adventure in the house!
BOTH: We're sorry.
You know I'm supposed to play the opening
of the new Christina Ricci Mistubishi dealership
in Tuckahoe this Saturday.
How am I supposed to do that now?
Why don't you use one of your other recorders?
Do you hear yourself?
Do you think Yo-Yo Ma would just play
one of his other cellos if he broke Petunia?
Probably. If he had to.
Well, I am not Yo-Yo Ma!
I'm Yo-Mama!
And you best bring me a new one by Saturday.
We don't have $1,100!
Then I suggest you do what nine percent of Americans
are too lazy to do, and get a job.
(clinking)
Mmm! (makes kissing sound)
Ugh! No, Junior, it's not a wedding.
I know.
(clears throat) Ladies and "genitalmen."
(giggles)
But seriously, there's a great man here today.
That man... is me.
(clears throat)
But seriously...
Hey, bitch, show us your jugs!
(laughter)
Easy, cheap laugh.
For my father on his birthday, I have embroidered a tapestry
depicting memorable moments in our relationship.
And it's my gift to you.
Happy birthday.
Wow, you actually made a quilt gayer than the AIDS Quilt.
Hey, here's my gift, Freight.
Well, Al B. Sure! A title fight in Vegas!
Plane leaves in two hours.
Luther "Black Guy" Jones versus
Mario "Mexican Guy" Salazar.
That fight's been sold out for months.
How'd you get these?
I pretended to be a Make-a-Wish kid named Gerald.
(chuckles) Classic hustle.
All right, let's get to Vegas.
But you can't go tonight!
You haven't even tried to blow out the trick candles
I got you-- (clears throat) I mean, regular candles.
One blow should do it.
Let's blow this place.
I'll just save these for next year.
Don't worry. I'm peeing, I'm peeing.
Donna, stand in front of me.
Ah...
How are we gonna come up with $1,100 by Saturday?
Well, you are on a street corner.
Hot dog stand? Kinda.
Rallo, check this out! Let me see that.
Hmm, that's a capital "L."
La, la, low... loo-loo...
That's a "S."
Looks like a snake, goes like sss...
Los... tee-tee.
Loosst.
Lost. Lost!
"D." D...
It says "Lost Dog." I wanted to do it!
And they're offering a $50 reward!
There's a bunch of 'em.
Grab as many as you can, Junior.
That's how we're gonna get Mama's money.
We'll be dog bounty hunters!
Or we could play bass in this guy's band.
I don't want to be in Styx.
(knocking)
Hey, Tubby, we're back from Vegas.
So, did you have fun with "Cool Robert"?
Hell, yeah.
Did you know there's a hepatitis J?
(chuckles) Vegas is crazy.
(laughs) Oh, I know.
I went to the M&M Store once.
Yeah, we got real crazy.
So crazy that we decided to make him and me official.
You got married?
What? Hell no.
That would be ridiculous.
I adopted him.
He's my son now. What?!
I've always wanted a son I could point to and say,
"See that man over there in the tracksuit?
"That's my son, my boy, my spawn.
No one wears a tracksuit like my son."
You've never seen me in my romper.
I'll go get it.
(sighs) Come on, cool son.
Let's go rustle up a few hustles.
Uh, Donna, get my back snaps?
They're gone, Cleveland.
My bottom's cold.
(groans)
Dad, good news.
I was able to resew the tapestry
into what I must admit is a smart messenger bag.
(groans) 'Sup, Doughbro?
Papa Freight Train, we playing poker or what?
Poker? Deal me in.
Oh, I almost forgot.
I hus-tul-ed today.
I asked for a water at a fast-food restaurant
and I filled it with lemonade,
got caught, apologized,
now I can't go back to Chipodle.
I'm out.
It's kind of late; you've had a few.
Why don't you just crash in the guest room?
Gracio, Pop.
You don't have a guest room.
Yeah, we do, the one with the race car bed
and the plastic sheets.
That sounds like my bed.
I lost my virginity in that bed.
My masturbational virginity.
In a moment of fumble-handed confusion
while playing my Atari 2600.
Don't touch my Laverne & Shirley puzzle!
I've been working on it for 36 years.
You shouldn't be in here at all.
Dad said I could stay here.
There's only room
for one son in this family.
Yeah, well then, bye-bye.
Falc you! Pew!
Pew! Pew!
Pew!
(in slow motion) No...!
98 pieces.
I'll be dead before I finish it.
(screams)
Who got puzzle all over this floor?
He did.
It was justified.
He was shooting me with little Millennium Falcon disceses.
That's an outside toy!
Now both of you, go to bed.
BOTH: But, Dad...
No buts!
Butts are what I'm gonna kick
if you two punks don't straighten out.
See what you did?
You did.
He's right.
It's an outside toy
and a choking hazard.
And that puzzle did look hard.
BOTH: Man, I could use a drink.
I know where my dad keeps his schnapps.
What about gin?
Nah, gin makes me cry.
(whispering): Quiet, you'll wake up Dad.
What's he use this room for?
He writes mystery novels under the name Jocelyn Elderwood.
(giggling)
I'm going to tell you a secret right now
that I've never told anybody.
(clears throat)
I've never danced for my father.
Also, he hates me.
Teach me.
Teach me how to impress my dad.
How to hus-tul.
You mean, "hustle"?
No, "hus-tul."
There's a "T." You're missing the "T."
That's the problem with you; you play by the rules.
The only rule of hustling is there are no rules.
Then how do you know whose turn it is?
(sighs) You've got a lot to learn, little bro.
As long as it's not reading
or writing cursive, I'm your man.
(barking)
I heard you found my dog.
Which one is it?
Bark. Bark.
Where's our 40 bucks?
You didn't read the flier closely.
It said, "40 barks."
Here you go.
BOTH: Bark, bark, bark,
bark, bark, bark...
Ah, forget it.
We'll never make enough by Saturday.
Junior, check this out.
(cash register dings)
5,000 bucks!
This is our way out, Junior.
Beat it, poor people's dogs.
We're moving up to a better clientele.
Don't I know you?
I know, I know.
I get that a lot, but I'm not him.
(train horn blowing in distance)
(beeping)
Cool, a forklift!
What is this place?
This is Hustle House.
Or should I say, your classroom.
Over here, we've got 600 boxes of hollowed-out soap.
Perfect hustle.
It runs out after two days, and by then, you're long gone.
(laughs)
I'd kill to get in on that hustle.
Over there, you got your weenie pills, enlargers, pumps,
your various penile miscellany.
All right, Cleveland,
first, I'm putting you on quality control.
We're gonna watch this bootleg
Chinese version of The Hangover.
I am typical fat and lazy American
who have no chance of surviving when China take over!
(both laugh)
A bologna suit.
Why do we wait so long to do the things
we know will make us happy?
Now, here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna roll you down this hill, and then...
(dogs snarling, Cleveland Jr. screaming)
Oh, my God!
Rock Hudson!
We're rich!
(laughs)
Stop that. Stop that.
Why are you licking me?
Ah, you must like me more than bologna.
(chuckles)
But I don't care how cute you are,
you're nothing but a dollar sign to me.
All right, I love you.
(screaming)
Hey, you found Rock Hudson!
(screaming)
(giggling): Ooh...
That's badass.
I've always wanted to look like
an Italian or Armenian or Arab guy.
Or black guy.
ROBERT (ringtone): Yo, you got a call.
What up?
Whoa, that is a big hustle.
But I'm tied up all week.
Ooh! Pick me!
I'll get back to you.
What am I gonna do?
I need someone I can trust, like... a brother.
Uh, Robert.
I don't know, man.
This is the big leagues.
We're talking a three, possibly four-figure deal.
No way!
Come on, let me be a legitimate hustler like you
so my dad loves me.
You really want to dance for your father, don't you?
(sighs)
A'ight, go to our satellite office
in the back of the old gun shop in Pittsburgh.
Everything you need to know is in here.
I won't let you down, bro.
I trust these instructions aren't in cursive?
You are hustling your brother, no?
Yes. Yes, I am.
And this is just the beginning.
(laughing maniacally)
Tubby, what are you doing bothering me-- whoa.
That's a nice tracksuit.
Oh, this new highly flammable thing?
Just hitting the road. (knuckles crack)
Got my hustles.
Hmm. When you get back, I want to hear about them.
I'd... I'd like that.
May I dance for you?
Not yet.
Oh, hey, Junior.
I was gonna ask you something.
What was it?
Oh, yeah.
Where the hell's my money?!
You said I had till Saturday.
Is that what I said, Larry?
W-Why do you have Larry?
We were just talking about how disappointed I would be
if I didn't get to perform on Saturday
at that new car dealership.
Miss Donna, we're on the verge of a big score...
Don't verge me!
I need that recorder, Junior!
My ducats is due!
(laughs)
(sighs)
Cleveland Brown, badass hustler.
Give me some skin.
Where's your Purell?
Now, you're gonna be delivering phony autographed head shots
for display in dry cleaners across the country.
(whistles)
Erin Gray.
Hey, Robert.
I'm done with my hustles.
ROBERT: You went to 30 dry cleaners already?
I thought that would take you all week.
I hustled. (laughs)
All right, I'll think of some more and get back at you.
Okay! Bye!
Okay, nice work.
Thanks for your help.
I have no idea how anyone would know
where to go, but you're welcome.
Hey, brother, I'm done here, so I'm heading back.
Also, I can't poop anywhere but home;
I'm about eight pounds over where I was.
ROBERT: Hold up, I got something else for you.
Kim Kardashian wore a goose coat at the Fat Armenian Awards.
Now everybody wants a goose coat.
So, you're heading up north to Canada to pick up 400 geese.
(sighs)
Canada.
Free health care.
Mm, finally get this ankle looked at.
(heartbeat thumping)
Rallo! We've got to find that dog and get our reward
before your mom-- her words, not mine--
"beats the black off me."
Rallo? (dog whimpers)
(gasps) My bone!
It's you!
Duck. Duck. Duck. Duck.
Goose!
Of course you're good at this.
You're the inventors of the game.
That's like playing Chinese checkers against the Czechs.
What am I doing?
Chasing wild geese, it's like some wild-goose ch...
Son of a bitch!
Robert!
Okay, one more game.
Duck. Duck. Duck.
Lunchtime, Rock.
Mama hasn't been to the store yet
so all we got is pigs feet and baking soda.
Rock Hudson?
Rock Hudson?! Oh, my God!
You looking for that dog?
Junior left with him about 40 minutes ago.
If you walk slowly, you should be able to catch up to him.
You're right!
(doorbell rings)
Junior, wait!
Oh, hello.
You must be here for the pool party.
The ad implied you would be older.
And thinner.
And whiter.
No, Mr. Waterman, sir.
We found your dog and would like our $5,000 reward please.
No, we're keeping him!
Actually, he's my wife's dog.
I can't stand the little bastard.
He barks at all my guests.
The sweaty delivery man I invited in for a shower.
The sweaty gardener I invited in for a shower.
The sweaty fireman...
We get it.
I keep leaving the door open
so he'll run away, but he keeps finding his way back.
Don't you, you little rooster-blocker? (growls)
So, sounds like it might be worth something to you
if you never saw this dog again.
Are you extorting me?
I would never...
(barking)
All right, fine!
Here's everything in my wallet.
$5,000 and a picture of Pat Sajak at the beach?
I'm keeping this.
I love you, Rock Hudson.
Don't say that!
You know how many people died not too long after saying that?
Oh, my God! Larry!
You gonna die, jungle cat!
Wait!
Oh, you made it, just in time.
(playing "When the Saints Go Marching In")
Keep your head down around here, Rock.
Mama crazy.
(barks)
(tires screech)
Cable installer?
But that's my awful job!
(tires screech)
Terry! Who have you been working with this week?
Robert.
What's his last name?
I don't know.
Oh, my God! That's him!
Guys, has anyone been in here drinking with you this week?
Yeah, Robert has.
No! This can't be happening!
Wait, that hasn't been Cleveland sitting here?
(speaking Japanese)
Yeah. Lobert.
No...!
So, every time the dealership sold another hatchback,
obviously, I played this.
(playing "The Farmer in the Dell")
There you are, brother!
I thought I might find you here...
Oh, cute dog.
You tricked me!
You're trying to steal my life!
Cleveland, what are you talking about?
He hustled me!
You hustled yourself.
But more accurately, I hustled you.
But why?
Look at your life, fool.
You have everything.
You always did.
You had the coolest dad in town.
The baddest mom.
You had a damn Millennium Falcon.
You think I had a Millennium Falcon growing up?
You don't think I wanted to run around going,
"Pew! Pew! Pew!"
All I had was an old pair of pants I found in the woods.
Corduroy?
And look at your ass today--
dinner on the table, laundry done,
drinking every night and coming home to have sex
with a woman you ain't even got to hold down.
This is the real Hustle House.
And you're the real hustler.
Wait a minute, Robert.
You hustled your own brother?
You don't hustle family.
I'm disappointed in you, son.
But, Dad... Don't you sass me.
Get over here!
(grunting)
No! No!
I'm sorry, Dad! I'm sorry!
(crying): Oh...
Oh, it hurts!
(crying)
Ha, ha! Ha, ha!
And he went in your liquor cabinet.
I got it made.
I'm the coolest hustler in this town.
You heard Robert say so himself, Dad.
So, I guess I finally earned your respect.
I'm not saying you earned my respect,
but you may dance for me.
(crying)
(playing "Private Dancer")
Oh, it hurts!
CLEVELAND: I would never dance for my father again.