(funky disco plays) ♪My name is Cleveland Brown
♪And I am proud to be
♪Right back in my hometown
♪With my new family
♪There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪And even a bear
♪Through good times and bad times ♪
♪It's true love we share
♪And so I found a place
♪Where everyone will know
♪My happy mustached face
♪This isT he Cleveland Show.♪
(chuckles)
(tires squeal)
DONNA (over walkie-talkie): Round Mound of Brown,
this is Hot Cocoa Bang Bang. Come in, RMB.
10-4, good body.
Picked up Roberta from bikini car wash.
Was not for school. Over.
I got to make money.
I've got Rallo.
We just did a boring trip to the craft store
for his boring family tree project.
Now arriving at soccer.
(tires screeching)
(Cleveland grunting)
Pick me up in three hours
when this game may or may not be over!
(kids cheering) Yay, Rallo! I'm so proud of you
for playing a sport that's not important enough
for Americans to be good at!
Okay, picking up Junior at baking class now.
(tires screech)
♪
Yay, Junior!
Yay, cake!
I wish you were my son.
Acquired Junior.
Gonna drop him off at Freedom Scouts,
then I'll meet you at Roberta's varsity texting match.
Why aren't you just using your cell phones?
'Cause it's not safe to talk on the phone and drive. Duh!
(horn honking) (screaming)
Duh!
And now I've turned onto a one-way street
going the right way!
Thank God!
All right, kids, go shower.
Separately.
CLEVELAND JR.: You don't have to keep saying that.
How about I feed the dog
and then we meet in the bedroom for relations?
Roger that. Over and out.
More like in and out and then over. Over.
Oh, this feels great. Is this sex?
Are we having sex right now?
We can't keep this up. We need help.
If only the kids had two mothers and two fathers.
Now that's a sitcom I'd watch.
A gay couple and a lesbian couple find a baby on a doorstep.
Call it Modern-er Family.
Wait a minute. Your kids do have another dad.
What's the name of that guy you used to be married to?
Dennis Rodman-- er-- Robert? Yeah, him.
Plus, we've got some grandparents laying around.
Donna, I've got an idea
that could buy us the break we deserve.
And also a new title for our gay couple sitcom.
God's Mad about You.
If this is about a time-share opportunity,
I will punch you in your back.
I know.
I'll be blunt. We need help.
So we made Wheel... of... Family.
Big money! Big money!
On it are all the activities we've signed the kids up for
so they don't have to join a street gang,
like I did growing up.
He was in a marching band.
Marching gang!
You all will be helping us attend
and shuttling the kids to and from these events.
Why would we do that?
If you don't, Donna's not paying you any more alimony.
That's how come I can buy stuff.
Dee Dee, as mother-in-law, you may spin first.
Okay, fine.
♪
Show me the Rallo!
Come on, Rallo!
Big Rallo!
No Bertas!
So, where am I dropping you off?
Kay Kay Cakes for my frosting, icing and fondant class.
Baking class? A young man like you
should be doing something active.
I use a 35-pound frosting bag.
Forget your cake class. I'm taking you somewhere else.
Where? Not where... Y.
You made me sit in silence the entire car ride for that?
This is it, the YMCA.
Or Young Men's Christian Association.
Although it's mostly old dudes,
and a lot of un-Christian things go on in the showers.
This is the pile where you can take your new
or leave your old towels.
Anyway, they got all kind of classes here.
But you don't need to worry about that,
'cause every piece of exercise equipment
made after 1971 is crap.
All you need is this.
What is it? A medicine ball.
The best workout going. Well, how do you play?
Play? Medicine balling is how Pinklon Thomas trained
for his fight with Mike Tyson.
You think you better than Pinklon Thomas?
No, I never said...
Pinklon, this boy here think he too good for your balls.
You too good for my balls, boy?
No, no, I'll toss them around.
That'd be nice.
(bell rings)
And I'd appreciate it if Rallo would stop
pledging allegiance to "the hag" and saluting me.
Wait, you're not Donna.
This is a parent-teacher conference.
You heard her, parents only.
If you need me, I'll be at the track. No,
you're supposed to be here. You are a parent. Say huh?
You're his father.
Oh, yeah. (chuckles)
Then we got my mom running carpool,
Robert diluting juice-- wait!
Who took Roberta to get her... (whispering): girl things?
So, which brand do you use?
Uh...
Brawny.
Oh, Auntie Momma, even your monthly is outrageous.
(farts)
(laughter)
So, what's left for us to do today?
Eh, looks like we're covered...
for the whole afternoon.
(gasps) Donna, do you know what this means?
We can finally do that thing we've always dreamed of doing.
Nothing.
♪
Mm, that's a dirty river.
You looking good, Junior.
That upper-arm cellulite's starting to go away
and I think you dropped a chin or two.
Four. Proud of you, kid.
See you in an hour.
Oh, he's gonna need that.
Can't throw around a medicine ball without a jock
and sleeveless half-shirt.
Where's Junior?
Man, I can't keep track of all the kids
that go missing at the Y.
(Junior giggles)
♪
Work it, Junior. Go, Junior.
FREIGHT TRAIN: Pole dancing?
Ugh, soaking wet.
What are you doing in here?
What is he doing?
He's inspiring us to celebrate our bodies.
No matter what shape we are.
(low, gravely voice): That's right!
Damn, thought she was a squat rack.
Down on the ground I'm heavy,
but on the pole I can soar
like a spinning, big-breasted eagle.
And he's really good.
He's like the fat, black,
talented Tim Tebow of pole dancing.
I want to enter him in the regionals.
R-R-R-Regionals?
Hell, no, this ends now.
Junior, get out of that girlie outfit.
♪
Never mind. This pole-ish nonsense is over.
(thunder claps) The Freight Train forbid!
(all gasp)
Now we gonna go in the men's locker room,
put our foot on the bench with an open towel,
and talk about football. Come on.
It's the Wheel of Family Home Edition.
Dee Dee Tubbs, you've been selected
to take Rallo to his sink or swim class.
(gasps) What are you doing?!
We're celebrating an excellent parent-teacher conference.
Excellent.
Oh, my God!
What's going on?
Ah, horsey rides! Me next!
Rallo, no.
I'm next.
(sighs) Let's go.
Donna, oh, my God,
you're never gonna believe this.
This is so funny.
You know how me and the guys
always talk about how old your mom is?
Well, guess who Robert is sweating the sheets with?
Your old mom!
What?!
That's right, your ex-husband
is having relations with your mother.
But this... this can't be.
Robert and... and...
(chuckles): Your mother.
(screaming)
Stop it, Donna. Calm down!
(panting) What's your problem?
I told you something hilarious and you reacted wrong.
Cleveland, my mother sleeping with Robert is not hilarious.
Oh, I get it.
You're still in love with Robert.
What? No, I'm not.
No, no, I can take it.
He was your true love
and I'm just some Johnny-come-quickl-- lately.
Cleveland, I don't have feelings for Robert.
I'm upset because the father of my children
is having sex with their grandmother.
And you're jealous 'cause you're stuck here having sex
with old Johnny-come- painfull-- quickl-- lately.
Ah, damn it!
(chuckles)
All right, I'm just gonna say it.
What you two are doing is wrong.
Donna, honey, it was bound to happen.
You can't spend that much time with someone
who looks like this and not wind up in bed with him.
And this one. Plenty of tread left on this tire.
Aw.
I'm a sucker for love stories.
So, when did you know?
Like know know.
I think I've known since I was ten years old.
I got Dee Dee's solo album.
It was a Japanese import I bought from my dad
for a sack of weed.
Once I heard that voice, I didn't miss the weed.
I was high on her rhythm and blues.
And a little bit of the weed I kept for myself.
My word.
And we both collect Pez's.
Well...
What the hell?!
I just finished my family tree.
Now my dad's gonna be my grandpa
and my grandma's gonna be my stepmom or something?
So, do I add more branches? Connect some branches?
Burn this damn tree down?
There's no app for this, you know.
I had to draw this.
Hey, Dad, hey, Grandma.
I heard you two were dating.
So, meet my new boyfriend Walt.
He's five.
Seems wrong, but apparently that's what we're doing now.
Age ain't nothing but a number.
Ain't that right, baby?
That is a time-out!
Roberta and Walt?
My word.
I've had enough of this insanity.
Y'all get out of my house!
Not you, Cleveland!
You're the one who put them together.
This whole thing is your fault!
I never want to see any of them ever again!
Hmm, she's really upset.
I got to fix this.
But how?
Hmm...
That's my arm!
(frogs croaking)
Thanks for taking me here, Cleveland.
I just needed to get out and get my mind off of...
Robert boinking your Mom?
Well, that'll be the last thing
we have to worry about to...
Oh, look who just happens to be here.
What's the closest thing y'all got on this menu to a McGriddle?
You gotta be kidding me!
Let's go. No.
Let me handle this.
Haven't you two hurt this woman enough?
As if all the gross-- and I'm sure musky--
sexing you're doing wasn't enough,
now you have the gall
to come to her favorite restaurant?!
But you gave us the coupon
and told us to come here tonight.
Yah!
Can't you see you're breaking Donna's heart?
Do the right thing and end this already.
Neither one of you ever thinks of another person.
You would never be in one of those commercials
where someone sees someone do something nice for someone else,
then they go off and do something nice for someone else
and someone sees them.
And then the guy who saw them
ends up doing something nice for somebody else.
And this keeps going until you remember
that you were watching something that was DVR'd,
but you were buzzed so you forgot to fast forward
through the commercial.
The point is, neither one of you has ever done
an unselfish or responsible thing in your life.
I. Am.
The hero of this piece.
I'll have a McGriddle as well.
Bye, Persian man!
I think it's really cool
that you can play basketball in expensive jeans.
Oh...
Junior? Where have you been?
I'm off the pole.
My grandfather says it's vulgar and cheap.
Oh, and also really super gay.
But Junior, we need you for regionals.
Without you, we're just a bunch of
saggy, baggy, middle-aged frump buckets.
No, no, I can't.
You can't?
Or you won't?
You know, Junior, there comes a time
in every young boy's life
where he has to stand up to his grandfather
and dance on a pole.
And if you quit, we all quit.
Is there also shower for our white BMWs?
(knock at door)
Door's open!
ROBERT: It's locked.
Window's open!
ROBERT: Open the damn door!
Hi.
We gave a lot of thought to what you said, Cleveland,
about how we may not have been the most responsible people.
We were selfish and horny.
So, together, we decided to do something positive
to make up for our past mistakes.
Good.
We adopted a China baby.
Bad. The hell you did!
Meet Qian Qiang.
Isn't he adorable?
He'd say hi, but he don't speaka de English.
(gong clangs) What a turn of events!
How'd you get a kid so fast?
They make you wait years for a healthy, white baby,
six months for an off-white baby,
a whole week for a black baby,
but you gotta lock your damn door
not to get a five-year-old Chinese baby.
They're giving them away like tickets to a WNBA game.
Well, he looks just like you.
Why would you adopt a child?
Cleveland said we should stop being so selfish,
and we really took that to heart.
We're more mature now, so we got Qian Qiang
because I missed out on my first chance to be a father.
Not too late. I'm only five.
Qian Qiang needs a strong male role model.
Still in my formative years.
Role model would do me good.
And I want a chance to make up for my own failures as a mother.
Not too late.
Still need mothering.
Because I realized I still have so much to give.
I'll take it all!
(farts)
(giggles)
Qian Qiang tooted.
Isn't that adorable?
Ha! Those are always funny.
My man!
So, you're family now?
Well, let me just say...
I'm the cute five-year-old around here,
and you will not Olivia Huxtable my world!
Rudy, straight O.G.
Donna, Cleveland, we came over today
because we wanted to ask you
to be the boy's godparents.
(gasps) Yes!
Oh, my God, yes!
You have got to be kidding.
And we'd like you to stand with us
at a re-naming ceremony,
where we change Qian Qiang's name
to a proper American one,
like D'Brickashaw or Mustang Sally.
We'll have the ceremony here!
We're going to be godparents.
Can you believe it, Donna?
No. I don't believe any of this.
I don't believe you've changed,
and I don't believe you can be good parents.
Whoops.
(doorbell rings)
Where's Junior? Oh, he's not here.
He went to his pole-dancing competition.
What? Why didn't you stop him?
Me and Walt were out!
(sighs)
At least he somehow pays for things.
"You are rich in ways other than money."
Terrible.
Donna, will you run to the store
and get more fortunate cookies for the party?
I told you, I'm not helping with this party.
I can't condone them running around,
acting like perfect parents
when I know who Dee Dee and Robert really are.
Donna... we're God's parents now.
What?
Didn't they make us God's parents?
No, godparents.
God's parents, godparent, same thing.
Like I met Reggie parents at the grocery store.
Reggie dad got them bloodshot jaundice-y eyes.
Point is, we got to protect this child.
I don't have to do anything
but rain Hater-ade on all you fools.
Whoosh!
That's Hater-ade!
(dance music plays)
Thanks for coming to the pole-dance regionals!
Hope you guys are enjoying the bring-your- own-beer policy,
which may turn out to have been a horrible business model.
So, let's make this weirder
by welcoming to the main stage
our first performer,
Cleveland Brown Jr.
What the hell?
Get down from there!
You're a boy!
I'm not a boy.
I'm a dancer!
Cue a horrible song!
♪She's my cherry pie...
(yowls)
♪Such a sweet surprise
♪Tastes so good, make a grown man cry ♪
♪Sweet cherry pie, yeah...
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
(Cleveland Jr. lip-synchs) ♪Whoa!
♪She's my cherry pie
♪Cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise ♪
♪Tastes so good, make a grown man cry ♪
♪Sweet cherry pie, oh, yeah
♪She's my cherry pie...
Oh, no, he's frowning.
He's frowning so much.
Wait. I was upside-down.
You were...
...smiling.
♪Yeah
♪Swing it!
You're the only pole dancer I've ever seen with a soul.
And a wiener.
Well... (clears throat)
Anyway, I apologize, Junior.
This is, regrettably, what you were meant to do.
Thanks, Grandpa.
That's all I ever wanted to hear.
Private dance?
Robert and Dee Dee are two hours late.
Maybe they're still on China time.
Because there it's probably...
half past dragon chopstick.
DONNA: I told you so!
Whoosh! That's Hater-ade!
That's it!
If they want to walk all over Donna and Rallo,
that's their business.
But if they stand me up...
we've got a problem.
Donna! I'm finally upset!
So, now that a man cares,
let's go do something about this!
Y'all haven't seen Robert, have you?
I knew it!
You were terrible parents,
and you'll always be terrible parents.
Yeah.
And you don't deserve the Chinese lanterns
or shrimp bubble gum I got for the ceremony.
The naming ceremony!
We've been so busy, we completely forgot.
Of course the two of you did.
You're so selfish, you forget everything.
You forgot you had a daughter,
and Robert forgot he had a wife.
Mm-hmm.
We really are failures.
I thought we were ready
to be great parents this time around...
but maybe you're right about me and Robert.
Where is Robert?
Mm-hmm.
I had to go to three pharmacies
to find Q.Q.'s ear medicine.
And that's after spending all morning
trying to convert the sex swing
into a bouncy chair for the kid. (laughs)
(laughing)
(gasps)
Oh, my God.
You guys really are trying, aren't you?
Yes. It turns out, having a kid
doesn't just crush your dreams.
It's also hard.
Maybe that's why God doesn't let
women in their 60s have babies.
Oh, Donna, I was a terrible mother
and I'm so proud of you
for growing up to be a good one.
I need you to be my role model.
Will you be my mother, Donna?
What?! How would that even work?
You know what? I'm out.
We've got to go rename Rallo's bruncle.
And as Saul did become Paul
and Beyoncé became Sasha Fierce,
so do I christen you,
oh, heathen child Quack Quack...
by your new name,
Hong Kong Phooey.
'Member him?
Was that The Pink Panther?
(playing clumsily)
How the hell did we get stuck with this?
We are dumb.