1 00:00:21,801 --> 00:00:24,569 For a man with an internet history as exotic as Simon's 2 00:00:24,570 --> 00:00:27,141 emergency family meetings were never good news. 3 00:00:27,142 --> 00:00:30,840 - We've been waiting for you, Simon. - Sorry, I was busy! I have a life, too! 4 00:00:30,841 --> 00:00:34,324 And what's so important we need a meeting, like businessmen or something? 5 00:00:34,325 --> 00:00:38,328 Well, I don't really know where to start. My company are making people redundant. 6 00:00:38,329 --> 00:00:41,287 I've managed to keep my job, but it means moving to Swansea. 7 00:00:41,288 --> 00:00:43,822 - Where's that? Is it far? - It's in Wales. 8 00:00:43,823 --> 00:00:46,219 - You must have heard of Swansea, Simon. - I haven't. 9 00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:49,152 - And I'm not moving to fucking Wales. - Hey, mind your language. 10 00:00:49,153 --> 00:00:52,108 I know it's a lot to take in, but please try and stay calm. 11 00:00:52,109 --> 00:00:55,009 It's been an incredibly tough decision for us to make. I mean, 12 00:00:55,010 --> 00:00:57,814 - I would have been out of a job! - Oh, it's all about you, isn't it? 13 00:00:57,815 --> 00:01:01,038 What about me? What about my friends, my other relationships? 14 00:01:01,039 --> 00:01:03,690 - Your what? - And my exams? 15 00:01:03,691 --> 00:01:07,296 One minute, you're like, "Revise, revise, revise," the next you're moving me to Swansea! 16 00:01:07,297 --> 00:01:11,373 We've spoken to the examination board and you'll be able to sit the same exams in Swansea, 17 00:01:11,374 --> 00:01:14,731 - you'll just do them at a local college. - I'm not going. 18 00:01:14,732 --> 00:01:16,671 How's that suit your fucking plans? 19 00:01:16,672 --> 00:01:19,581 I'll get a flat with Jay. I'm 18, you can't stop me. 20 00:01:19,582 --> 00:01:21,937 Me and Jay'll get a flat and Andrew can come and live with us. 21 00:01:21,938 --> 00:01:23,264 No, thanks. 22 00:01:23,265 --> 00:01:26,902 Boys, I promise I'll make this work for us all. 23 00:01:27,752 --> 00:01:30,017 I love you both so much. 24 00:01:31,085 --> 00:01:34,373 Oh, that's all right, then, well done! 25 00:01:35,505 --> 00:01:39,991 Brilliant, you've effectively ended my life. Why not go the whole hog and just shoot me? 26 00:01:39,992 --> 00:01:42,785 Or better still have me taken to the vets and secretly put down, 27 00:01:42,786 --> 00:01:45,071 just like you did with Patch! 28 00:01:45,072 --> 00:01:48,710 But after he'd slept on it, Simon was even more unreasonable. 29 00:01:48,711 --> 00:01:52,136 He's a total selfish wanker! I don't understand why he doesn't just get another job! 30 00:01:52,137 --> 00:01:56,544 It's not like he's even well paid. He's in his fucking 40s, his life is practically over. 31 00:01:56,545 --> 00:01:59,147 - What is Swansea? Is it an animal? - It's a place. 32 00:01:59,148 --> 00:02:01,454 - It don't sound near. - It's in Wales. 33 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:05,755 - Mate, they say it's well grim up north. - Yes, but Wales isn't up north, Jay. 34 00:02:05,756 --> 00:02:08,719 Wherever, Michael fucking Palin, it's not round here! 35 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:11,061 No, but on the plus side, I've heard Swansea's quite nice. 36 00:02:11,062 --> 00:02:13,000 - Really? Who from? - A friend of my gran's. 37 00:02:13,001 --> 00:02:16,182 - Is that to make me feel better? - It's all I've got, I'm afraid. 38 00:02:16,183 --> 00:02:18,347 That's pretty much it for me and Carli, then. 39 00:02:18,348 --> 00:02:21,305 I don't know. Maybe you could still not have a relationship long distance? 40 00:02:21,306 --> 00:02:22,307 Good one. 41 00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:24,189 - Can we have a crack at her, then? - No! 42 00:02:24,190 --> 00:02:27,438 - Don't be a dick. I'd love a go! - Think about that lovely snatch. 43 00:02:27,439 --> 00:02:30,498 Fuck off, Neil, just fuck off! I'm having a nightmare here! 44 00:02:30,499 --> 00:02:32,887 Calm down, you're not the only one with problems! 45 00:02:32,888 --> 00:02:36,425 - Really? What problems do you have? - Bent old man, wants to fuck own sister, 46 00:02:36,426 --> 00:02:38,275 - Mum did a legger. - Nah, none of them, 47 00:02:38,276 --> 00:02:41,547 - I think I'm going to be a dad. - Neil, you have to fuck a girl for that! 48 00:02:41,548 --> 00:02:45,622 I know. I did it with this bird from Asda and now she's pregnant. 49 00:02:46,062 --> 00:02:48,551 - Congratulations. - Are you serious? 50 00:02:48,552 --> 00:02:52,240 - No. Fucking. Way! - So you're not a virgin any more? 51 00:02:52,241 --> 00:02:54,120 - Don't think so. - Nice one, mate! 52 00:02:54,121 --> 00:02:57,609 I knew you'd lose your v-plates before these sad pricks! Welcome to the shaggers club. 53 00:02:57,610 --> 00:03:00,089 Where only 50% of the members have had sex. 54 00:03:00,090 --> 00:03:03,009 Let's back up 30 seconds. This is very serious. 55 00:03:03,010 --> 00:03:04,998 - I've a couple of questions, Neil. - Yeah? 56 00:03:04,999 --> 00:03:07,556 Well, what did it feel like? 57 00:03:08,301 --> 00:03:11,093 - It was all right. - All right? Anything else? 58 00:03:11,094 --> 00:03:13,854 No-one's expecting DH Lawrence, Neil, but did you think anything other than, 59 00:03:13,855 --> 00:03:15,579 "This is all right"? 60 00:03:15,580 --> 00:03:17,382 - My legs ached. - I give up. 61 00:03:17,383 --> 00:03:20,217 - This a big deal, how did it happen? - We was both on the cheese counter 62 00:03:20,218 --> 00:03:23,896 and she was being well saucy and that. And then we went back to hers at lunch break 63 00:03:23,897 --> 00:03:27,428 - and did it and now she's pregnant. - How romantic. Are you sure she's pregnant? 64 00:03:27,429 --> 00:03:29,777 Yeah, she texted me. Look... 65 00:03:29,778 --> 00:03:32,295 "Did the test. It's positive. Thought you should know." 66 00:03:32,296 --> 00:03:35,175 - Two dots and a diagonal line. - Worried smiley, 67 00:03:35,176 --> 00:03:36,954 - dear God. - Why didn't you use protection? 68 00:03:36,955 --> 00:03:39,039 She told me she couldn't have any more kids. 69 00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:41,974 - Any more?! - Jesus Christ. How old is she, Neil? 70 00:03:41,975 --> 00:03:43,780 I don't know, pretty old. 71 00:03:43,781 --> 00:03:45,579 And have you told anyone else about this? 72 00:03:45,580 --> 00:03:49,306 - Nah. I can't really talk to my dad. - What, cos he's never seen a woman's fanny? 73 00:03:49,307 --> 00:03:50,758 Shut up! He's seen my mum's! 74 00:03:50,759 --> 00:03:52,463 Well, that don't count, everyone's seen your mum's. 75 00:03:52,464 --> 00:03:53,985 - Fuck off! - Till she ran off. 76 00:03:53,986 --> 00:03:57,458 I think you need to talk to Gilbert about this. For all his flaws, he's not a bad bloke. 77 00:03:57,459 --> 00:03:59,815 And his role as head of Sixth is pastoral as well as tutorial. 78 00:03:59,816 --> 00:04:01,840 - He's what? - It's his job. 79 00:04:01,841 --> 00:04:05,955 Then I pushed it in a bit, then out a bit, then in a bit, then my legs ached, 80 00:04:05,956 --> 00:04:09,482 then out again, then back in, and then it went off, and now she's pregnant. 81 00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:12,969 - OK. I think I get the picture, Sutherland. - Cool. 82 00:04:12,970 --> 00:04:15,600 Look, isn't this exactly the sort of thing that Twitter 83 00:04:15,601 --> 00:04:18,023 - or MySpace were invented for? - No, sir. 84 00:04:18,024 --> 00:04:20,391 I was going to write to the Daily Star's problem page, 85 00:04:20,392 --> 00:04:23,157 with the photos, but it takes a week to hear the advice. 86 00:04:23,158 --> 00:04:27,142 OK. And this "encounter", did it take place on the school premises 87 00:04:27,143 --> 00:04:29,514 - or with a fellow pupil? - Nah. 88 00:04:29,707 --> 00:04:32,260 Good! Well, 89 00:04:33,306 --> 00:04:37,400 what I think you should do is turn around, get out of my office 90 00:04:37,401 --> 00:04:39,752 and we'll pretend this conversation never happened. 91 00:04:39,753 --> 00:04:41,925 All right, cheers for that. 92 00:04:43,391 --> 00:04:45,679 But, sir, what about your duty of care? 93 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:49,259 That Sutherland's managed to pass his genes on may be a disaster 94 00:04:49,260 --> 00:04:52,038 for mankind, but it is not my mess to clean up. 95 00:04:52,039 --> 00:04:54,394 But what about the oath? 96 00:04:54,814 --> 00:04:56,607 Sorry to disappoint, McKenzie. 97 00:04:56,608 --> 00:04:59,577 Teachers don't start each day by swearing allegiance 98 00:04:59,578 --> 00:05:02,790 to the education fairies under a photo of the Queen. 99 00:05:02,791 --> 00:05:07,752 It's not so much a calling these days, as a graveyard for the unlucky and the unambitious. 100 00:05:08,416 --> 00:05:12,539 Between you and me, the only reason anyone teaches these days 101 00:05:12,540 --> 00:05:16,991 is because they've taken a more relaxed view on police checks in recent years. 102 00:05:17,401 --> 00:05:18,789 Goodbye, McKenzie. 103 00:05:18,790 --> 00:05:21,518 They say the art of teaching is aiding discovery. 104 00:05:21,519 --> 00:05:25,091 And Mr Gilbert helped me discover that he was a wanker. 105 00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:28,141 Simon, God, my mum just told me about you moving away. 106 00:05:28,142 --> 00:05:29,993 Oh, yeah. It's basically the end of my life. 107 00:05:29,994 --> 00:05:33,296 It's so weird, I can't imagine us being that far apart. 108 00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:37,154 - We're going to miss the bus. - Anyway, I've go to go. I'll see you soon. 109 00:05:37,155 --> 00:05:40,672 No, I'll come with you, I'm just waiting for my change. It's £8. 110 00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:42,524 - Where's my change? - Manners. 111 00:05:42,525 --> 00:05:44,314 I'll see you. 112 00:05:45,090 --> 00:05:48,296 I suppose I just always thought we might, 113 00:05:48,718 --> 00:05:51,853 - you know... We might... - We have to go. 114 00:05:51,854 --> 00:05:54,847 I've got to go, I'm sorry. I'll see you soon, Simon. 115 00:05:54,848 --> 00:05:58,227 What? We might what? Say it! Come on! 116 00:05:59,433 --> 00:06:01,668 Make love, was it make love? 117 00:06:01,669 --> 00:06:03,923 Carli, make love?! 118 00:06:04,893 --> 00:06:07,314 Where's my fucking change?! 119 00:06:07,595 --> 00:06:09,015 Thank you. 120 00:06:09,134 --> 00:06:12,951 So, it had finally happened: Carli had made Simon's brain explode. 121 00:06:12,952 --> 00:06:15,664 That stupid ugly bitch just ruined it for me with Carli! 122 00:06:15,665 --> 00:06:18,051 She been controlling your personality for the last 18 years? 123 00:06:18,052 --> 00:06:20,649 - Brilliant, yeah, good one. - Anyway, Simon, I've been thinking, 124 00:06:20,650 --> 00:06:22,288 we should do something for you before you leave. 125 00:06:22,289 --> 00:06:24,837 What, like give him a makeover, sort his hair out and that? 126 00:06:24,838 --> 00:06:28,809 Could do. I was thinking more of a camping trip to the countryside. 127 00:06:28,810 --> 00:06:31,626 Pubs, long walks, no parents, no girls, 128 00:06:31,627 --> 00:06:34,593 just the four of us, the lads, a tent and a load of beers. 129 00:06:34,594 --> 00:06:36,702 Sounds like a bent version of Brokeback Mountain. 130 00:06:36,703 --> 00:06:39,530 - Which would be a heterosexual version. - Is this a posho's tradition? 131 00:06:39,531 --> 00:06:43,012 Did your mates do the same thing for you when you left Hogwarts? 132 00:06:43,013 --> 00:06:45,365 - No, they didn't. - Oh, right. 133 00:06:45,731 --> 00:06:47,032 Well, I'm up for it! 134 00:06:47,033 --> 00:06:50,511 It'll do me good to get away, out in the country, get me head straight. 135 00:06:50,512 --> 00:06:53,477 - Bring your old man, and get him straight! - Fuck off! 136 00:06:53,478 --> 00:06:57,093 - I don't think I'd be much company. - Come on, Si. It'll be a laugh. 137 00:06:57,094 --> 00:06:59,299 Although last time I went to the country, I had some bother. 138 00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:01,509 - From locals? - Nah, a cow. 139 00:07:01,510 --> 00:07:04,236 It charged me, so I had to knock it out. One punch. 140 00:07:04,237 --> 00:07:05,315 Nice. 141 00:07:05,316 --> 00:07:08,597 I had to leg it, though, cos its mates saw. No word of a lie, 142 00:07:08,598 --> 00:07:12,643 they stood up on their hind legs and started firing milk at me from their tits. 143 00:07:12,644 --> 00:07:14,515 - Udders? - Well, yeah, there were loads of them. 144 00:07:14,516 --> 00:07:17,616 Right. What do you reckon, Si, fancy a weekend punching cattle? 145 00:07:17,617 --> 00:07:21,326 No. No. I've got two weeks left here. And I'd rather spend them 146 00:07:21,327 --> 00:07:23,960 trying to finally get together with Carli, than hanging around with you lot 147 00:07:23,961 --> 00:07:27,016 talking shit about cows and fucking camping. 148 00:07:27,996 --> 00:07:30,134 I'll put you down as a maybe, then. 149 00:07:30,135 --> 00:07:33,248 That night, at 2am, I was lucky enough to be woken by a call 150 00:07:33,249 --> 00:07:35,100 from a steaming drunk Simon. 151 00:07:35,101 --> 00:07:37,480 - Will, it's me, Simon. - Yes, I know. 152 00:07:37,481 --> 00:07:40,775 Man, you were right, I've got to make Carli believe in me, 153 00:07:40,776 --> 00:07:42,673 make the sort of gesture she'll never forget. 154 00:07:42,674 --> 00:07:44,947 That doesn't sound like me. Are you drunk? 155 00:07:44,948 --> 00:07:48,990 I'm going in. This might be my last chance to see her, to kiss her, 156 00:07:48,991 --> 00:07:51,921 - to maybe make love to her. - Fine! I'm coming to get you! 157 00:07:51,922 --> 00:07:55,226 As long as you promise never to say "make love" again! 158 00:07:55,227 --> 00:07:58,488 So, like a superhero, I went off to Simon's rescue. 159 00:07:58,489 --> 00:08:01,903 A superhero in slippers and a dressing gown. 160 00:08:02,535 --> 00:08:03,787 Simon! 161 00:08:03,954 --> 00:08:06,007 Simon! Please! 162 00:08:06,008 --> 00:08:08,192 Oh, Christ. 163 00:08:08,458 --> 00:08:10,952 Carli, it's me, Simon. 164 00:08:11,588 --> 00:08:15,260 What was it you wanted to say? Was it about making love? 165 00:08:21,184 --> 00:08:23,210 - Daddy? - No. 166 00:08:24,327 --> 00:08:26,404 - Sleep. - What's happening? 167 00:08:26,405 --> 00:08:28,811 Just shush your little fucking mouth. 168 00:08:28,812 --> 00:08:31,065 - You're not my daddy! - Oh, bollocks! 169 00:08:31,066 --> 00:08:34,387 Mummy! Daddy! 170 00:08:36,194 --> 00:08:39,153 Simon's intention was pure Romeo And Juliet. 171 00:08:39,154 --> 00:08:42,111 Unfortunately, the execution was pure Crimewatch. 172 00:08:42,112 --> 00:08:45,034 Yeah, cheers, Steve. There's no need to press charges. 173 00:08:45,035 --> 00:08:47,311 Don't worry. Sorry again. 174 00:08:49,587 --> 00:08:52,631 You're not going to shout at me, are you, Dad? My head really hurts. 175 00:08:52,632 --> 00:08:56,134 No, I'm not going to shout. I think we need to have a talk, though. 176 00:08:57,052 --> 00:09:00,524 I know this move's stressful for you and you might feel a little crazy. 177 00:09:00,525 --> 00:09:01,597 Yeah. 178 00:09:01,598 --> 00:09:04,491 But you can't go touching children. Not now, not ever. 179 00:09:04,492 --> 00:09:06,831 - Not kiddies, Si! - Oh, God, no, no! 180 00:09:06,832 --> 00:09:09,506 No, it wasn't that! I got the wrong bedroom, 181 00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:11,623 - I wanted to touch Carli. - Really? 182 00:09:11,624 --> 00:09:14,583 - Yes, yes! - Oh, thank Christ. 183 00:09:14,584 --> 00:09:18,418 Thank God. I've been Googling chemical castration all morning. 184 00:09:18,419 --> 00:09:22,156 I think you need to forget about her for a while. Go near that house, her dad will fuck you up. 185 00:09:22,157 --> 00:09:24,390 - His words not mine. - Oh, God! 186 00:09:24,391 --> 00:09:26,527 Maybe go to your nan's for the weekend? 187 00:09:26,528 --> 00:09:30,053 - Will wanted to go camping. - Camping? Yeah, that sounds good. 188 00:09:30,054 --> 00:09:32,770 Healthy, outdoors. No children around. 189 00:09:32,771 --> 00:09:35,720 Dad, I've loved her for ages, I don't know what to do. 190 00:09:35,721 --> 00:09:39,085 I totally understand, mate. There was a girl I was crazy about once. 191 00:09:39,086 --> 00:09:42,175 - Really? - Yeah. She was gorgeous, funny. 192 00:09:42,176 --> 00:09:45,970 My best friend in many ways. Nothing happened, as much as I wanted it to. 193 00:09:45,971 --> 00:09:48,650 - Because you never told her? - No, she was frigid. 194 00:09:48,651 --> 00:09:51,735 Yeah, her knickers were about as wet as August in the Sahara. 195 00:09:51,736 --> 00:09:55,687 Then your mother came along. She was a real tomcat, let me tell you! 196 00:09:57,050 --> 00:10:01,601 Didn't take me long to forget the Ice Queen with your mum around, if you get me. 197 00:10:02,728 --> 00:10:05,511 Yeah. Get it all up, mate. 198 00:10:05,613 --> 00:10:09,221 Simon's choices were simple: Stay home and lose more stomach lining 199 00:10:09,222 --> 00:10:12,246 hearing about his mum's high sex drive or take us camping. 200 00:10:12,247 --> 00:10:15,169 As we're near, I thought I'd run through the itinerary for the weekend. 201 00:10:15,170 --> 00:10:18,118 - What's an itinerary? - Will's way of taking the fun out of everything? 202 00:10:18,119 --> 00:10:21,018 No, it's just a schedule of what we'll do and when we'll do it. 203 00:10:21,019 --> 00:10:23,663 Right, item one, get your shit off my side of the car. 204 00:10:23,664 --> 00:10:27,358 It's not shit. It's essentials for everyone to make the trip more enjoyable! 205 00:10:27,359 --> 00:10:30,956 Right, yeah, Monopoly? That'll make it a proper lads' weekend. 206 00:10:30,957 --> 00:10:33,552 All we need is beer and johnnies and I've got plenty of both. 207 00:10:33,553 --> 00:10:35,836 - Why have you brought a load of johnnies? - In case I get lucky. 208 00:10:35,837 --> 00:10:39,353 We're camping by a lake near a wood. You hoping to pull a fish or an owl? 209 00:10:39,354 --> 00:10:42,525 Listen, all these country birds love a bit of big city cock. 210 00:10:42,526 --> 00:10:44,979 - You're not from the big city! - Anywhere with a train station 211 00:10:44,980 --> 00:10:49,534 - and Morrisons counts as a city to them! - Neil, look at the map, please! Where is it? 212 00:10:49,535 --> 00:10:52,061 It's round here somewhere. The next left or something. 213 00:10:52,062 --> 00:10:54,768 And that's what Google Maps says, "The next left or something"? 214 00:10:54,769 --> 00:10:57,998 Sorry, mate, my head's a mess. What if I have to go to the birth? 215 00:10:57,999 --> 00:11:02,090 Can you imagine how grim that'll be, watching that baby getting squeezed out of her arse? 216 00:11:02,091 --> 00:11:06,374 - Right, I've got some news, Neil... - Oh, here we are, Si. Turn in here. 217 00:11:06,730 --> 00:11:10,368 Oh, Jesus Christ, it stinks. Is it near a pig farm, Neil? 218 00:11:10,369 --> 00:11:13,142 Nah, sorry, mate, that was me. It just slipped out. 219 00:11:13,143 --> 00:11:14,901 - Oh, mate... - What?! 220 00:11:14,902 --> 00:11:18,988 - I can't believe that's the smell of your arse! - I can fucking see it! It's like a brown mist! 221 00:11:18,989 --> 00:11:22,544 Despite Neil's anxious bowels burning our eyes and choking our lungs, 222 00:11:22,545 --> 00:11:26,582 we made it. I'd researched this place online and it certainly delivered. 223 00:11:26,583 --> 00:11:29,576 Secluded. Remote. Beautiful. 224 00:11:29,577 --> 00:11:31,505 - So where do we shit? - What? 225 00:11:31,506 --> 00:11:33,548 When we need to a shit, where do we shit? 226 00:11:33,549 --> 00:11:36,531 Hang on, he's right. Where are we going to shit? 227 00:11:36,532 --> 00:11:40,068 Well, usually, you'd place a trench at least 20 yards away, down stream, of course. 228 00:11:40,069 --> 00:11:41,929 - What trench? - The toilet trench. 229 00:11:41,930 --> 00:11:44,714 - Where you put the toilets? - No, where you do a toilet. 230 00:11:44,715 --> 00:11:47,234 - I'm not shitting in a trench! - You've gone mental. 231 00:11:47,235 --> 00:11:50,282 I'm not going near a hole filled with your shit! 232 00:11:50,283 --> 00:11:52,399 - We each get our own trench. - That's all right, then. 233 00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:56,383 - We're camping surrounded by shit? - No! No-one is shitting in a trench! 234 00:11:56,384 --> 00:11:58,224 We'll have to drive to a pub or something. Shit there. 235 00:11:58,225 --> 00:11:59,542 - Good idea. - Agreed. 236 00:11:59,543 --> 00:12:02,004 That's decided, then, write that down, Will, item two. 237 00:12:02,005 --> 00:12:05,179 Could do. Or you could remember to shit in the pub when we're there?! 238 00:12:05,180 --> 00:12:07,339 - Let's get this tent up. - I need to go now, though. 239 00:12:07,340 --> 00:12:10,410 - What? Just hold it in! - I can't, I get all emotional. 240 00:12:10,411 --> 00:12:13,552 We only just got here, Neil! Camp first, poo second! 241 00:12:13,553 --> 00:12:16,399 I don't think I can, I'm honestly getting teary, it feels like it's trying to 242 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,377 push its way back up into my stomach! 243 00:12:18,378 --> 00:12:21,406 I need one now, too. What about that service station we've past? 244 00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:24,722 - Oh, God, the snake's out the cave! - Fine. Everyone, back in the car. 245 00:12:24,723 --> 00:12:27,542 So our camping trip was delayed while Neil left what he described 246 00:12:27,543 --> 00:12:31,001 as "King Kong's finger" in the Welcome Break toilets. 247 00:12:32,872 --> 00:12:36,806 Neil genuinely felt better about life after unloading a massive poo. 248 00:12:36,807 --> 00:12:39,124 And now the car was unloaded, so did I. 249 00:12:39,125 --> 00:12:42,909 First need to clear the ground, make sure the site is safe and then put up our tent. 250 00:12:42,910 --> 00:12:46,060 Fuck that, let's just crack open the beers and build a fucking massive fire. 251 00:12:46,061 --> 00:12:48,678 You can't just build a fire. It takes preparation. 252 00:12:48,679 --> 00:12:51,135 I mean, have we even asked the landowner's permission? 253 00:12:51,136 --> 00:12:53,430 I didn't come here for a refresher course in the Countryside Code. 254 00:12:53,431 --> 00:12:56,533 I just want to get pissed and have a laugh. I won't be able to do any of this in Wales. 255 00:12:56,534 --> 00:12:59,461 - What, cos there's no fields? - No, cos I won't have any mates. 256 00:12:59,462 --> 00:13:02,725 You won't need mates. Welsh birds are total filth. 257 00:13:02,726 --> 00:13:03,934 - Are they? - Yeah. 258 00:13:03,935 --> 00:13:07,245 Pretty much all British porn stars are Welsh. Most of them don't even get paid, 259 00:13:07,246 --> 00:13:10,056 - they just do it for cock. - Oh, OK, made-up sluts. 260 00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:13,761 Now I'm glad I'm going to Swansea. Fucking hell, Swansea. 261 00:13:13,762 --> 00:13:17,491 Fine, Simon, look if you really want, I'll build you a fire now. 262 00:13:17,492 --> 00:13:20,391 You lot put the tent up, I'll go and find some suitable wood and kindling. 263 00:13:20,392 --> 00:13:22,068 All right, Akela. 264 00:13:22,069 --> 00:13:26,016 But remember, fire is an element, it must be respected. 265 00:13:26,524 --> 00:13:29,098 Camping is all about self-reliance and teamwork. 266 00:13:29,099 --> 00:13:33,117 And I knew I could rely on myself to create the perfect camp and my team... 267 00:13:33,118 --> 00:13:35,122 to fuck it up. 268 00:13:38,454 --> 00:13:40,651 What the fuck have you done? 269 00:13:40,652 --> 00:13:42,500 All right, Will. Fancy a sausage? 270 00:13:42,501 --> 00:13:46,092 Calm down. I just got it going and I didn't even need a fire gay's badge. 271 00:13:46,093 --> 00:13:49,459 - Nah, just some petrol. - You put petrol on it? 272 00:13:49,460 --> 00:13:52,755 Wait a minute. Is that my fold-out table on the fire? 273 00:13:52,756 --> 00:13:55,658 - And my picnic basket? - I thought you said look for stuff to burn. 274 00:13:55,659 --> 00:13:59,261 Wood, burn fucking wood, not my stuff. 275 00:13:59,262 --> 00:14:01,884 Oh, fucking hell. Why have you done that? 276 00:14:01,885 --> 00:14:03,628 Look, someone had to take charge of this weekend 277 00:14:03,629 --> 00:14:06,021 or it was going to be all Monopoly and shitting in trenches. 278 00:14:06,022 --> 00:14:10,061 Look, come on, sit down, have a beer, have a sausage. Just chill. 279 00:14:10,062 --> 00:14:13,115 I'll chill when you stop burning my fucking possessions. 280 00:14:13,116 --> 00:14:15,582 Oh, I thought they were for "everyone"? 281 00:14:15,583 --> 00:14:18,373 Yes, for everyone to use, not to burn. 282 00:14:21,029 --> 00:14:23,430 - What are you doing? - Fire's going down. 283 00:14:23,431 --> 00:14:26,598 Stop burning my things. 284 00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:29,615 All right, I forgot. Jeez! 285 00:14:30,605 --> 00:14:33,179 We were barely an hour from home, but somehow that meant 286 00:14:33,180 --> 00:14:37,207 that burning my possessions was not only OK, but hilarious. 287 00:14:38,190 --> 00:14:41,169 Oh, come on, we're sorry. It was just a joke. 288 00:14:41,406 --> 00:14:45,199 We'll do whatever you want to cheer you up. Anything you like. 289 00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:47,169 - Game of Monopoly? - Oh, fuck off. 290 00:14:47,170 --> 00:14:48,861 - Apart from that. - Look, if you want to play a game, 291 00:14:48,862 --> 00:14:51,073 I've got a proper game, not a shit one. 292 00:14:51,074 --> 00:14:53,563 Though thinking about it, you lot might be too pussy to play. 293 00:14:53,564 --> 00:14:57,224 It's not that game that you used to play with your weird neighbour in his shed, is it? 294 00:14:57,225 --> 00:15:00,040 - Well, that never happened. - Yeah, you told me about it years ago. 295 00:15:00,041 --> 00:15:03,515 - Just after he moved away. - No, I never. Shut up, you knob. 296 00:15:03,516 --> 00:15:07,371 Right, to start with, you all have to swap phones. 297 00:15:09,221 --> 00:15:10,250 Now what? 298 00:15:10,251 --> 00:15:13,954 Now you text someone in their phone book. So, like, you've got Will's phone, yeah? 299 00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:16,949 So when you text someone, they'll think it's from him. 300 00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:20,479 So does that mean I have to write it all posh and like all hurdy wurdy durdy? 301 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:24,736 The only rule is you can write whatever you like and no-one can stop you. 302 00:15:24,737 --> 00:15:28,134 I just want to say, for the record, there's no way anything good can come out of this. 303 00:15:28,135 --> 00:15:29,999 Ready? Go. 304 00:15:30,366 --> 00:15:33,511 I've only got five numbers in my phone, and three of them are you lot, so do your worst. 305 00:15:33,512 --> 00:15:35,814 Well, as long as one of the others is your mum, you're still in trouble. 306 00:15:35,815 --> 00:15:38,154 Neil, come on, that's too much. 307 00:15:38,155 --> 00:15:39,852 I think that is literally the point of the game. 308 00:15:39,853 --> 00:15:40,856 Fuck. 309 00:15:40,857 --> 00:15:43,775 Right, gays, finished? That's it, send 'em. 310 00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:47,744 Right, so I wrote, from Simon's phone to Carli, 311 00:15:47,745 --> 00:15:50,843 "Carli, I love you from the bottom of my cock." 312 00:15:50,844 --> 00:15:53,708 "The thought of leaving you is making me cry." 313 00:15:53,709 --> 00:15:54,720 Better. 314 00:15:54,721 --> 00:15:58,023 "And I'm using those tears as lube to wank with." 315 00:15:58,857 --> 00:15:59,891 Right. 316 00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:04,032 Don't worry, Si, I texted Jay's dad and wrote, "Dad, I'm just thinking about you." 317 00:16:04,033 --> 00:16:07,330 - Oh, that's all right. - "I'm in the bath and I'm hard." 318 00:16:07,843 --> 00:16:10,060 - Fucking hell. - Neil? 319 00:16:10,061 --> 00:16:13,088 Fairly standard to Will's mum. "Mum, it's been 17 years, 320 00:16:13,089 --> 00:16:15,526 but I'd love to have another go on your big old tits." 321 00:16:15,527 --> 00:16:16,562 No. 322 00:16:16,563 --> 00:16:20,466 "Then I'd like to smash in your back doors (anus)." 323 00:16:20,467 --> 00:16:23,214 So it'll come up that I've sent her a text, she'll think, 324 00:16:23,215 --> 00:16:25,826 "Good, he's just letting me know he's got there safely," then she'll read that? 325 00:16:25,827 --> 00:16:27,759 - Yep. - Right then, Si, what did you send to, 326 00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:30,065 - I presume, Neil's dad? - You presume wrong. 327 00:16:30,066 --> 00:16:34,104 I've gone for a slightly different flavour. I've written to the soon-to-be mother of his child. 328 00:16:34,105 --> 00:16:35,677 - What? - At least that's who I guess 329 00:16:35,678 --> 00:16:37,847 - Saucy Asda Karen is? - It is. 330 00:16:37,848 --> 00:16:40,702 Good, cos I've written, "Karen, I love you 331 00:16:40,703 --> 00:16:44,332 and love that you are to be the mother of my child. Marry me?" 332 00:16:44,333 --> 00:16:46,671 - Fucking hell. - Brilliant. 333 00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:49,454 I only met her a month ago. She smells of cheese most of the time. 334 00:16:49,455 --> 00:16:51,322 What, cos of all the knob she's had? 335 00:16:51,323 --> 00:16:53,507 God, I thought coming out here would take me mind off it, 336 00:16:53,508 --> 00:16:56,720 but the countryside's really boring, innit? It's just a load of fields 337 00:16:56,721 --> 00:16:59,495 and rivers and that. And they don't do nothing. They just sit there, 338 00:16:59,496 --> 00:17:02,016 it's not like the London Dungeons where people jump out at you. 339 00:17:02,017 --> 00:17:05,181 - He's right, it is boring. Shall we go back? - Oh, no, come on, 340 00:17:05,182 --> 00:17:08,274 we could go for a swim? Skinny dipping? 341 00:17:08,275 --> 00:17:10,248 Yeah, you're right, probably be a bit gay. 342 00:17:10,249 --> 00:17:12,799 - Yeah. - Well, there's always Monopoly. 343 00:17:13,310 --> 00:17:16,208 Fucking hell, fine, as long as I can be the dog. 344 00:17:16,209 --> 00:17:19,152 - Why? - Reminds me of Benji. 345 00:17:19,153 --> 00:17:22,742 This was great. Camping. Playing board games round the fire 346 00:17:22,743 --> 00:17:26,840 as the sun went down. It was like I was back in Cub Scouts, but without... 347 00:17:26,841 --> 00:17:28,571 the unpleasantness. 348 00:17:28,572 --> 00:17:32,261 Park Lane, with a hotel, that's 1,500 you owe me, Top Hat. 349 00:17:32,262 --> 00:17:34,309 Can I pay you after I pass Go? I'm nearly there. 350 00:17:34,310 --> 00:17:37,032 - Nope. - Well, will you take one of my properties, then? 351 00:17:37,033 --> 00:17:39,031 This is impossible. I can barely see. 352 00:17:39,032 --> 00:17:41,870 I've not been able to see anything for fucking hours. Let's just stop. 353 00:17:41,871 --> 00:17:43,527 OK, we'll call it a draw. 354 00:17:43,528 --> 00:17:46,367 Fuck off, just cos I'm winning and all you've got is stations. 355 00:17:46,368 --> 00:17:48,647 - I'm happy to call it a draw. - Course you are, 356 00:17:48,648 --> 00:17:51,326 cos you were out four hours ago anyway, you fucking idiot. 357 00:17:51,327 --> 00:17:53,624 You lot think I'm dumb, but I've got street smarts. 358 00:17:53,625 --> 00:17:55,936 You got a woman from Asda pregnant in your lunch hour. 359 00:17:55,937 --> 00:17:58,294 - I'll build another fire. - It's too dark to collect wood, 360 00:17:58,295 --> 00:18:00,965 - and you've burnt everything I own. - Well, fine, I'll... 361 00:18:00,966 --> 00:18:03,663 I'll get Si's car and shine the lights over here. 362 00:18:03,664 --> 00:18:05,130 Here y'are, then. 363 00:18:05,887 --> 00:18:09,529 This was embarrassing. I hadn't lost a game of Monopoly since I was seven. 364 00:18:09,530 --> 00:18:13,674 And yet I was about to be beaten by Jay, a man who took pride in the fact he couldn't count to 100. 365 00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:17,095 He really wants to win, doesn't he? I never knew he was so competitive. 366 00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:21,445 I can't get enough of these sausages. I love 'em raw in the middle. 367 00:18:22,035 --> 00:18:24,751 Right, sorted. Now you owe me 1,500. 368 00:18:24,752 --> 00:18:27,321 Jay, my fucking car! Handbrake? 369 00:18:27,322 --> 00:18:30,203 - Oh, shit, yeah. - Stop it. 370 00:18:31,067 --> 00:18:33,889 - Jay, help! - All right, all right. 371 00:18:36,613 --> 00:18:39,532 - It's locked. Jay, throw me the keys. - I gave them to you. 372 00:18:39,533 --> 00:18:40,890 - No, you didn't. - Yeah, I did. 373 00:18:40,891 --> 00:18:43,153 - No, you fucking didn't. - Brilliant, someone's gone 374 00:18:43,154 --> 00:18:46,653 - and lost the fucking keys then. - Yes, you. You've lost them. 375 00:18:46,654 --> 00:18:49,835 You must have locked them in the car. Oh, God! Oh, God! 376 00:18:49,836 --> 00:18:52,277 - We'll have to smash a window. - Fucking hell, Jay, you're paying for that. 377 00:18:52,278 --> 00:18:54,143 - It's not my fault. - It is entirely your fault. 378 00:18:54,144 --> 00:18:56,381 I always lock my car like that, yours must be different. 379 00:18:56,382 --> 00:18:57,866 - It's shitter, for one. - Thanks, Neil! 380 00:18:57,867 --> 00:19:00,793 If my old man was here, he'd be able to get into it in two seconds flat. 381 00:19:00,794 --> 00:19:04,402 - He used to jack Ferraris for the Mafia. - How is that total bullshit helpful? 382 00:19:04,403 --> 00:19:07,379 OK, you two hold it. We'll go and find something to smash a window with. 383 00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:09,511 Oi, why do me and Neil have to hold the fucking car? 384 00:19:09,512 --> 00:19:13,324 Well, obviously, because you two are the strongest. 385 00:19:14,618 --> 00:19:16,133 It's true, we are. 386 00:19:16,134 --> 00:19:18,784 Fucking hell, why are there no rocks? It's the countryside! 387 00:19:18,785 --> 00:19:21,963 Why aren't there any fucking rocks? What are we going to smash the window with? 388 00:19:21,964 --> 00:19:23,615 Jay's face? 389 00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:25,372 My arms hurt. 390 00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:28,078 I don't know why they're bothering to get that rock. The way I look at it, 391 00:19:28,079 --> 00:19:29,991 it's inevitable that the car's going to go in the lake. 392 00:19:29,992 --> 00:19:32,302 I suppose it's nature. You can't fight nature. 393 00:19:32,303 --> 00:19:34,549 Exactly. It's going in anyway, 394 00:19:34,550 --> 00:19:36,727 my arms hurt, we might as well just let go. 395 00:19:36,728 --> 00:19:39,745 - Do you think Simon will be annoyed? - How can he be? It's logical. 396 00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:42,014 - We can't stop it. - We are stopping it a bit now. 397 00:19:42,015 --> 00:19:44,442 It's inevitable, Neil, trust me. 398 00:19:44,443 --> 00:19:46,974 - We'll let go after three, all right? - Gotcha. 399 00:19:46,975 --> 00:19:49,291 One, two... 400 00:19:51,740 --> 00:19:52,960 No! 401 00:19:53,165 --> 00:19:55,803 Oh, God. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! 402 00:19:55,804 --> 00:19:57,562 Oh, God! 403 00:20:06,970 --> 00:20:09,403 - Why did you do that? - You said smash a window. 404 00:20:09,404 --> 00:20:10,724 No! 405 00:20:10,725 --> 00:20:13,415 No, no, no! 406 00:20:26,906 --> 00:20:30,143 You arseholes. You total pair of fucking wankers. 407 00:20:30,144 --> 00:20:33,400 It's all right, Si. We'll just wait for morning and rescue it when the tide's out. 408 00:20:33,401 --> 00:20:36,142 It's a fucking lake, Neil, the tide isn't going out. 409 00:20:36,143 --> 00:20:39,499 I've wasted my life hanging around with you fucking morons. 410 00:20:39,500 --> 00:20:43,524 I can't wait to move to Swansea. I fucking hate you, fuck off. 411 00:20:43,890 --> 00:20:45,399 Fuck off! 412 00:20:45,539 --> 00:20:49,028 Come on, Si, come out the water and dry off, I'm sure we'll think of something. 413 00:20:49,029 --> 00:20:52,785 You never think of anything. You've just got an accent that makes us think you're clever, 414 00:20:52,786 --> 00:20:56,636 but you're not. You're just as much of a fucking idiot as these two. 415 00:20:56,637 --> 00:20:58,548 - Bit harsh. - You wankers, 416 00:20:58,549 --> 00:21:01,423 you total, total wankers. 417 00:21:01,424 --> 00:21:03,301 Oh, God! 418 00:21:04,443 --> 00:21:09,200 Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! 419 00:21:15,682 --> 00:21:18,032 Do you want a lager, Si? 420 00:21:20,231 --> 00:21:21,468 Yes. 421 00:21:30,704 --> 00:21:34,594 - Oh, shit. I did have the keys. - Probably wouldn't mention it. 422 00:21:34,595 --> 00:21:37,720 So, Simon's shitty yellow Fiat was gone forever. 423 00:21:37,721 --> 00:21:40,850 But on the bright side, at least Jay didn't beat me at Monopoly. 424 00:21:40,851 --> 00:21:43,952 Which do you think burns better, Si, my rucksack or my sleeping bag? 425 00:21:43,953 --> 00:21:48,041 Nice try, but this is now officially the worst weekend ever. Let's just go home. 426 00:21:48,042 --> 00:21:50,290 - How? - Call your dad, Si. 427 00:21:50,291 --> 00:21:52,788 If you think about it, it's sort of his fault we're here. 428 00:21:52,789 --> 00:21:55,868 I can't face it. He's going to go ballistic about the car. 429 00:21:55,869 --> 00:21:58,348 - What about your old man, Jay? - Nah. He's out, 430 00:21:58,349 --> 00:22:00,481 private poker tournament with Danny Dyer and the Krays. 431 00:22:00,482 --> 00:22:02,401 - Aren't the Krays dead? - No! 432 00:22:02,402 --> 00:22:05,071 That's just a cover story cos they done a bunk from prison. 433 00:22:05,072 --> 00:22:07,157 They're holed up in one of me dad's warehouses. 434 00:22:07,158 --> 00:22:08,520 Of course. 435 00:22:09,032 --> 00:22:12,555 Looks like your dad's taking a break from that made-up poker tournament, Jay. 436 00:22:12,556 --> 00:22:16,007 - He's just texted you back. - Oh, shit. What does it say? 437 00:22:16,008 --> 00:22:20,673 "You're sick, son. Your mum was right about sending you to that shrink." 438 00:22:22,151 --> 00:22:25,810 What's he on about, the fucking wanker? Talking bollocks as usual. 439 00:22:25,811 --> 00:22:30,101 You got a text, too, Neil. It's from your bird. Maybe you should read it. 440 00:22:30,102 --> 00:22:33,905 - Oh, thank you, God. Thank you. - She said yes to the marriage proposal, then? 441 00:22:33,906 --> 00:22:37,271 Much better. It says, "You dopey prick. 442 00:22:37,272 --> 00:22:40,141 Not pregnant. Tested positive for..." 443 00:22:40,413 --> 00:22:43,324 - What's that say, Will? - "Chlamydia." 444 00:22:43,325 --> 00:22:45,460 Yes! Get in! 445 00:22:46,343 --> 00:22:48,753 - What's chlamydia? - Well, how shall I put this, Neil? 446 00:22:48,754 --> 00:22:52,813 You no longer have a child on the way but you do have an STD. 447 00:22:52,814 --> 00:22:56,599 I got an STD! Yes, an STD! Whoo! 448 00:22:57,148 --> 00:22:59,207 Go on, then, check mine. 449 00:22:59,974 --> 00:23:02,463 It's from Carli. Let's have a little look then... 450 00:23:02,464 --> 00:23:03,892 No. 451 00:23:07,281 --> 00:23:09,582 - Well? - Brilliant. 452 00:23:10,776 --> 00:23:13,423 - Shall we go to bed, then? - What did it say? 453 00:23:13,424 --> 00:23:15,894 Simon was never this cagey. When it came to Carli, 454 00:23:15,895 --> 00:23:19,081 he normally wore his heart on his sleeve and his boner in his pants. 455 00:23:19,082 --> 00:23:21,008 Maybe he had other things on his mind. 456 00:23:21,009 --> 00:23:23,220 So we had a light all along, then? 457 00:23:23,221 --> 00:23:25,119 Oh, shit, yeah. Forgot about that one. 458 00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:27,733 So, my car went in the lake for no reason. 459 00:23:27,734 --> 00:23:30,398 I'm upset too, Si. I got my first hand job in that car. 460 00:23:30,399 --> 00:23:32,739 Who's going to want to give me an hand job when I'm a dad? 461 00:23:32,740 --> 00:23:35,394 - Your dad? - You're not going to be a dad, remember, Neil? 462 00:23:35,395 --> 00:23:38,399 - Oh, yeah! - He'll probably still give you one anyway. 463 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:42,468 Look, even if we did get it out, mate, I doubt it would work anyway. 464 00:23:42,469 --> 00:23:45,319 - I think the engine's flooded. - Is that supposed to be funny, Jay? 465 00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:47,015 You'll get it on the insurance, though, I reckon. 466 00:23:47,016 --> 00:23:51,959 Yeah, I've got third-party, fire and your mates rolling it into a lake, so it should be fine. 467 00:23:53,673 --> 00:23:55,634 How was the trench? 468 00:23:55,635 --> 00:23:58,336 - I had to wipe my arse with leaves. - Jesus. 469 00:23:58,337 --> 00:24:01,945 And I think there were some ants in there, so I now literally have ants in my pants. 470 00:24:01,946 --> 00:24:05,214 And soil, and some earwigs. 471 00:24:06,413 --> 00:24:09,610 Do you remember that first time we slept in a tent in my back garden? 472 00:24:09,611 --> 00:24:12,300 Yeah, we had to come in the house about midnight because Jay got scared. 473 00:24:12,301 --> 00:24:14,616 Yeah, I was scared Neil's dad was going to come out and bum us. 474 00:24:14,617 --> 00:24:18,647 And on that familiar note, it's good night. Sorry about your car, Si. 475 00:24:18,648 --> 00:24:21,766 Doesn't matter. It was a shit car, anyway. Thanks for the send-off. 476 00:24:21,767 --> 00:24:25,770 I suppose when I'm away from you lot... Jesus, that stinks, Neil, is that a fart? 477 00:24:25,771 --> 00:24:29,156 Nah, a burp. It ain't great, though. I think it's them sausages. 478 00:24:29,157 --> 00:24:31,000 Whatever. Good night. 479 00:24:31,001 --> 00:24:34,377 Well, I'll get the fucking light, then, shall I? 480 00:24:34,657 --> 00:24:36,477 Night, gaylords. 481 00:24:38,053 --> 00:24:40,597 Si, I was wondering, when you're gone... 482 00:24:40,598 --> 00:24:42,536 - Yeah? - What do you want us to do with Will? 483 00:24:42,537 --> 00:24:45,731 - Like, look after him and stuff? - I'm not a stray cat, Neil. 484 00:24:45,732 --> 00:24:48,073 - Yeah, but you do shit in a hole in the ground. - Brilliant. 485 00:24:48,074 --> 00:24:52,274 - I just worry about you, that's all. - I think I'll be fine. Good night. 486 00:24:52,982 --> 00:24:54,852 Thanks, though, Neil. 487 00:24:57,976 --> 00:25:01,414 - Fucking hell, it's in my hair! - I think it's the sausages. 488 00:25:01,415 --> 00:25:03,140 Oh, I've got to get out. I've got to get out! 489 00:25:03,141 --> 00:25:05,789 Oh, God, the smell. It always makes me puke. 490 00:25:05,790 --> 00:25:07,843 - Don't puke in here. - No. 491 00:25:07,844 --> 00:25:11,137 - Oh, you have. - I don't feel well. 492 00:25:11,890 --> 00:25:14,998 Oh, shit, the smell. Oh, God, doublepuke! 493 00:25:14,999 --> 00:25:16,976 Get the fucking tent open, Jay! 494 00:25:16,977 --> 00:25:20,388 I can't find the zip! I can't find the zip! 495 00:25:25,683 --> 00:25:27,161 Great. 496 00:25:30,804 --> 00:25:33,738 - Oh, my mum's texted me back. - She up for some back door action, then? 497 00:25:33,739 --> 00:25:36,743 No, it said, "I love you too." It's a template. 498 00:25:36,744 --> 00:25:39,960 If she is up for it, Neil should get to bum her, cos it was his text that got her frothy. 499 00:25:39,961 --> 00:25:42,579 - True. - Obviously she's not up for it. 500 00:25:42,580 --> 00:25:44,615 - How do you know? - Does it say that pacifically? 501 00:25:44,616 --> 00:25:45,792 Specifically. 502 00:25:45,793 --> 00:25:47,458 Are you saying she only likes it in her axe wound? 503 00:25:47,459 --> 00:25:50,733 Seriously, we've got a long walk ahead of us, I'm covered in puke, 504 00:25:50,734 --> 00:25:52,658 can we just drop the mum stuff? 505 00:25:52,659 --> 00:25:55,952 - I'd like to drop your mum's stuff. - Oh, we can't.