Snoring
Dog barks
CLIVE: Well, it sounds like you got the ball rolling
in the right direction, man.
What about this new girl you just signed? What's her deal?
I'm teIIin' you, this girI Nomi is reaIIy taIented.
She Iooks great, she sounds great.
I got interest from media outIets, pubIicists.
I might have another goId aIbum here, boss.
-[ Knocking ] -Down, Toodles.
-[ Dog barking ] -Toodles, shut up!
Hey, boss. I got so many demos to get through here tonight.
If it's aII the same to you, couId we just deaI with this aII tomorrow?
-Of course. l'll see you in the A.M. -AII right.
-Hi there. -Hi.
-Oh, you Iook great. -Thank you.
Sorry I'm workin' Iate. I just Iost my intern.
He says he's sick. I think he's just hung over.
WeII, I'II be your intern.
-Wow. -What does it pay?
I can start you off with a IittIe fried rice.
Maybe some MongoIian beef.
You got yourseIf a deaI.
Are you sure you're ready for this?
This is reaIIy how you find new artists?
Nah.
DEMO #2: Rasta man, comin' at ya
DEMO #3: l'm going to kill your cat!
l'm going to kill your--
Oh, I'm sorry you had to hear that.
Oh, seems like a day ago
Not quite like the last
And now l see him walking far away
Blasting down the street tonight
One more reason
lt's a cold from the season
And l know that she'll be pleasing me all night
She takes all my pains away
Relieves all my cravings l'm craving at night
She loves when l feel awake
She loves when l peel off her clothing at night
Now it's seeming like a ways away
Right around the street
And all of a sudden l was seein' her face
She offers me a ride around
One more reason
lt's a cold from the season
And l know that she'll be pleasing me all night
She takes all my pains away
Relieves all my cravings l'm craving at night
She loves when l feel awake
She loves when l peel off her clothing at night
She takes all my pains away
Relieves all my cravings l'm craving at night
She loves when l feel awake
She loves when l peel off her clothing at night
You think it's all
You think it's all about you
About you
You think it's all
You think it's all about you
You think it's all
You think it's all about you
Ooh, it's just Iike Christmas.
She takes all my pains away
[ Screams ]
Yeah!
Relieves all my cravings l'm craving at night
She loves when l feel awake
She loves when l peel off her clothing at night
She takes all my pains away
Relieves all my cravings l'm craving at night
She loves when l feel awake
She loves when l peel off her clothing at night
She takes all my pains away
Relieves all my cravings l'm craving at night
She loves when l feel awake
She loves when l peel off her clothing at night
She takes all my pains away
Relieves all my cravings l'm craving at night
CLEANING WOMAN: You better use a rubber!
And don't Ieave me any surprises.
Good night, Estaire.
[ Laughs ]
[ TeIephone rings ]
-Hi, is Andy in? -Mmm, no.
Well, l was wondering if--
It's not that bad.
''Nomi sings with the emotionaI depth of a 1 2-year-oId.''
See?
It's not that bad.
Just wait tiII the message boards and bIogs get ahoId of it.
-ProbabIy wanna kiII yourseIf. -Anything eIse?
Layne caIIed, took a message. . . Iost it.
-You're doing great work here. -Thanks.
My stomach is aII messed up now. Maybe they're right.
Nomi, a 1 2-year-oId?
You are so taIented.
That's one person's opinion.
WouId I have fought for you so hard if I didn't beIieve in you?
You had to fight for me? CIive didn't want to sign me?
No, not at first. But that's just how CIive is.
But once you've soId him, it's over. You got him.
And then he's gonna put you exactIy where you wanna be.
He's going to dump my aIbum, isn't he? He's going to dump me.
He's gonna Iove you, Nomi. I got you on the Iist.
You're pIaying this weekend, showcase at The BonneviIIe.
He'II Iove it.
-Andy. -No. Nomi, I don't wanna hear it.
You can do it, and you wiII do it.
Surprise!
Lauren. What's aII this?
Did you Iight candIes?
Drinking wine?
HeIIo, what does it Iook Iike I'm doing?
I made your favorite dinner.
Oh, my goodness.
WeII, of course you did.
You Iook super sexy.
Thank you very much.
Wow.
And you have no idea what today is, do you?
Uh. . . .
Wait.
I know it's not your birthday because that's in ApriI.
My birthday's in June.
'Cause we went to Big Bear.
We went to CataIina.
Right.
Is it my birthday?
It's our anniversary, genius.
It is?
Yeah, it's been a year.
WeII, no wonder you made dinner.
We have to ceIebrate this wonderfuI occasion.
Mm-hmm.
Lauren, I'm sorry.
I've been crazy busy at work.
Oh, grumpy. You're so grumpy.
GrumpziIIa.
Sourasaurus. Look at you.
I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
Oh, you got bugs in your hair. Dirty bugs in your hair.
[ Laughs ] No, I don't.
When's the Iast time you took a shower?
I just had one.
I don't know about that.
Hey.
You know you're the most important thing to me, right?
I reaIIy am sorry.
Okay.
Happy anniversary.
Um, Ioser, the Ieast you can do is heIp me with the dishes.
You reaIize I'm gonna punch you in the baIIs
if you knock one more thing over.
Oh, you reaIIy think you can do this?
Oh, you took too Iong there.
[ Lauren screams, Iaughs ]
No. What, you think you're gonna hurt me with that?
Come on. Oh, you are in huge troubIe.
No! Oh, put me down! Put me down!
[ Breathing heaviIy ]
[ Both moaning ]
LAUREN: I Iove you.
AND Y: Oh, thanks.
[ Andy moans ]
[ ChuckIes ]
[ Sighs ]
Nancy and I have incredibIe sex.
It's, Iike, unbeIievabIe.
David is the worst, worst Iover ever.
The first time we did it -- sex --
went to a restaurant and then went to a reaIIy great movie.
And then, God, she Iooked so good
I couIdn't even concentrate, you know?
So, I took her back to her apartment. . .
with my boner.
Yeah, you know, I can reaIIy waIk myseIf to my door.
Yeah, you know what?
Oh.
Yeah, um. . . .
I'm gonna fuck you untiI you shit.
-Yeah. -That is so hot.
And, yeah, on the tabIe, on my bench, in the kitchen.
It's Iike that aII the time. You know what I'm sayin'?
And it gets reaI oId, you know?
I mean, a IittIe spontaneity every once in a whiIe,
it's a good thing, you know. But, um. . . .
We don't -- We don't need forepIay.
I need forepIay.
You do?
Yeah.
Why have you never brought this up before?
It just never came up in conversation.
So, aII that time was. . . .
It was okay.
So, just okay?
Pretty decent.
That is worse than okay.
No. No, no, no. No, no.
See, decent is definiteIy a IittIe bit better than okay.
And then pretty decent is just a IittIe Iess decent than that.
No, there's a scaIe.
It's Iike horribIe, get out of my room. . .
-Nah, pretty bad. . . -No--
-You've embarrassed yourseIf. . . -No.
-Then decent. Then decent. -Pretty decent is pretty--
Pretty.
I got somethin' decent for ya, baby, and it's in my pants.
Hey, homey.
-Oh, yeah! -What the f--
What is that? That's buIIshit.
NANC Y: Whoo!
DAVID'S MOM: David, honey, dinner's ready.
Mom!
NANC Y: Yeah, baby, get that wiener out! Rarr!
So Iast night, I think I heard Lauren sigh.
What do you mean?
After sex, she sighed.
You mean Iike--
[ Sighs with pIeasure ]
Not quite.
So, it was more Iike--
[ Sighs with disappointment ]
Yeah.
What's the probIem?
I don't think it's reaIIy a probIem.
I just need to make a few adjustments.
My ex, Tricia, it took Iike two minutes.
I couId give her a piggyback ride to the car and she'd be done.
Lauren takes a Iot Ionger.
How much Ionger?
I don't know.
WeII, guesstimate.
No, reaIIy, I don't know.
Wait. How Iong have you two been going out?
A year.
A year?!
An entire year and nothing? Are you kidding me, Andy?
A year? I mean, a year's a reaIIy Iong time to not even--
Okay, yeah, I get it. Thank you, Nomi.
I'm just saying, Iike,
you couId reaIIy get benched for something Iike that.
Hey, Andy, what is up?
Andy can't satisfy his girIfriend.
Ooh, what's the probIem?
I wouIdn't caII it a probIem, per se.
Oh, honey, you better Iearn, 'cause nobody gets back into the game
once they've been benched.
Yeah, weII, I didn't even know what the score was untiI just Iast night.
Nomi, give me some pointers.
No, that's weird.
I don't know what I'm doing here, obviousIy.
You must know a thing or two.
Come on, spiII the beans. This is cIearIy very important.
I'm not a sexpert here, Andy, so. . .
Do you forepIay?
I pIay every time.
How much pIay?
How much?
Yeah, you know, quantify in minutes.
Three or four.
[ Laughs ]
Three or four?
Andy Conners, you are definiteIy not satisfying your girIfriend.
Okay, Nancy.
So, how much is enough?
You need to go at Ieast 1 5.
1 5?!
Yeah, you know, depending on what type.
And what's the best type?
You need to educate yourseIf
on aII the reIevant methods and techniques.
How wouId I go about this?
Don't Iook at me.
-Hi. -Hey there.
How'd it go Iast night?
Last night was good. . . when he finaIIy got there.
[ Groans ]
Okay, weII, what about after dinner? Did he Iike the Iingerie?
Yeah.
Okay, weII, was the sex good?
Yeah.
Hey, mysterious, you wanna fiII me in here?
It was your one-year, right?
Yep.
Okay. WeII, is he the one?
He couId be.
You're not sure?
How couId anyone ever reaIIy be sure?
Okay, weII, how does he rank on your Iist?
My Iist?
The ''How Do You Know If Your Boyfriend's The One'' Iist.
Come on. I don't have a Iist. That's siIIy.
What's on this Iist?
Okay, weII, everyone's Iist is different, right?
I mean, wouIdn't you say, CarIa?
Yeah, you start with the basics.
So, Iike, I want someone who hears me,
not just Iistens, but actuaIIy gets what I'm saying.
Right. Or Iike, does he appreciate me?
Is he romantic?
Does he drain your souI with empty promises
and seIf-serving priorities?
Okay, that's a different Iist.
It's about the smaII things, okay?
Like, does he open doors for you? Does he kiss you goodnight?
Does he not cheat on you with your shift manager
who's onIy moderateIy better Iooking than you?
-I hate men. -Right.
Not so heIpfuI, right? Maybe not?
Let's keep it Iight.
The most important thing of aII, as you aIready know,
does he get you to OrIando?
Oh, my God! You are so bad! I can't beIieve you just said that!
-I did. I did. -You're such a dork.
No, it never happened! I've never been there.
And he is aIways there.
You know, whatever. I don't even care.
So, Lauren, is Andy, Iike, a sex train with precious cargo?
Oh, come on, don't Ieave us hangin'.
I bet he is.
Mm-hmm.
What is my body worth?
Was there a price set before?
There's something greater there
What is my body worth?
Was there a price set before?
lt's not gonna change you
We walk along but never turn
So, you Iadies ever met a beautifuI, bIack band manager before?
[ Scoffs ]
No, you couIdn't've, you couIdn't've, not especiaIIy Iookin' Iike me.
You dig? I got the Kanye West Iook.
I'm that drumroII waIkin' through the door kind of cat.
You know what I'm sayin'? I can get you concert tickets.
I can get you backstage passes, especiaIIy with them fine asses.
Know what I'm sayin'?
So, if you reaIIy wanted to think about it, I'm a commodity.
I'm somebody you wanna know.
Come on, it's Iike ménage á quatre. I Iike foursomes.
-What's up, you don't Iike foursomes? -You're a Ioser.
Oh, I get it. I get it, I get it. Your moms are caIIin'.
-WOMAN: Whatever. -Truant officers?
-I got candy. -WOMAN: Proof he's a Ioser.
-Yeah, go on, go see the Jonas Brothers.
WOMAN: Okay, Kanye.
-Hey, Layne. -What?
-So, that went weII. -Andy, what's up, man?
How've you been?
What's it been, Iike three months? You don't know a brother no more?
Hey, sorry. You know how it is.
Yeah, I know how it is. I'm just giving you heII.
I taIked to Nomi the other day. Homey, you messin' me up, man?
What's goin' on? You messin' with my money? How's the aIbum?
-I brought her to you. -And?
We're getting the mixes back any day now.
She's got this showcase next week. It's aII good.
CooI. CooI.
How's Lauren?
Not bad.
AII right, what's wrong?
To teII you the truth, she sighed Iast night.
Sighed? What the heII's that mean?
Her train didn't quite make it to OrIando.
What the heII are you taIkin' about? Was she traveIing?
Sex train.
Oh, her train never made it to OrIando.
You caII it OrIando?
So does her train ever make it to OrIando?
Not reaIIy.
Yeah, and that's the probIem, okay? I'm reaIIy worried.
I just found out I couId get benched for something Iike this.
Oh, heII yeah, you can.
-Yeah? -Yeah, man.
Oh.
Oh, man, don't worry, man. You know I got you.
Who was there for you when you and Tricia broke up?
-You. -Yeah. Yeah, exactIy.
And who stayed up with you aII night drinking absinthe
and getting aII sensitive, taIkin' about our fear of snakes
when you Iost your first IabeI ob?
Come on, man, we'II get through this together.
Thanks, man.
Yeah. What are best friends for?
What is my body worth?
[ Cheering and appIause ]
One more song! One more song!
LAYNE: HeII of a set, Chris.
-Oh, what up, Layne? -What's up, baby?
-Yeah, it was. We kiIIed it, man. -You sure did, man.
-What up, Andy? How you doin'? -Good, good.
What's not up is Andy can't get his girI off.
Andy, what's the probIem, dude?
I reaIIy wouIdn't caII it a probIem, per se.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, who's got a probIem?
Andy. He can't get Lauren to OrIando, if you know what I mean.
Wait a minute, you caII it that, too?
What the heII is this, a white-boy thing?
What's the matter, Andy, you can't get it up?
No. It's up aII the time. I dry toweIs on it.
-Oh, so it's Iike an endurance thing? -No.
Yeah. Sometimes.
Why, do you know something about this?
Me? No, no, man.
It's a common probIem though, you know?
I mean, I couId go, Iike, two or three days
without food or water. Nothing.
Andy, don't sweat it, man. I'm a two-pump chump, too.
What you gotta do is think about puppies and WaIter Matthau.
You'II Iast for a week. You won't be abIe to finish.
Wait, wait, you don't think about sex when you're having sex?
I have a boner 2 4 hours a day.
What am I supposed to do when I Iook down
and there's this beautifuI, moaning, naked woman beIow me?
Andy, good Iuck, man. We're gonna head out.
This crowd is probabIy gonna start a riot soon.
[ Cheering and appIause ]
I wouId Iike to dedicate this to a buddy of mine
who can't quite seem to take his girIfriend aII the way in bed.
I think you can do it, Andy.
Andy!
CROWD: Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!
Dude, you're famous.
[ Truck horn honks ]
Dude, you drive Iike a girI.
I do not drive Iike a girI. I drive the speed Iimit.
-I don't wanna get a ticket. -You don't wanna get a ticket?
Do you have any idea how expensive insurance is?
-You have reaIIy Iost your edge. -What is that supposed to mean?
It means you've gone soft, sof-t.
I guess that's what happens when you get a girIfriend. Shit.
Is that why you're stiII singIe? You're afraid to Iose your edge?
As a matter of fact, that's exactIy why I'm stiII singIe.
I Iike to keep my edge extra edgy, sIice your motherfuckin' head off.
You feeI me?
Shit, man, men are not supposed to be monogamous, man.
We're supposed to be chiIIin'.
We're supposed to be out in the fieId, puIIing our dicks out,
spreading our seed as far, as wide as possibIe,
Iike a fire hydrant.
So gross. You're so gross.
Whatever.
AND Y: There she is.
Nomi, get your ass in the car.
Nomi.
Nomi?
Nomi, what-- what-- Who's that?
-Put your pedaI down for the gas. -Who's he?
-Get me out of here. -Wait, wait. What the fuck?
Who's that guy? He gonna chase us?
Oh, that was my date, and I hope not.
Your date?
AII your dates end this abruptIy?
You know what? At Ieast I made it through the saIad, okay?
Where are we going?
This crazy Internet promotions party.
Yeah, Andy needs to find some sexperts.
Yes, and it wouId be a pretty good idea
for you to meet some of these peopIe.
And we fade out as the soundtrack sings
You're like a black cat
With a black backpack full of fireworks
And you're gonna burn the city down right now
Whoa
You're like a black cat
With a black backpack full of fireworks
Let's do this.
I need a drink. You guys handIe the sex peopIe.
[ Scoffs ]
Nah. Ew.
Nope. Dork.
Ooh, porn stars.
Come on.
...way too tragic
[ ChuckIes ]
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
So, what is your probIem?
I wouId say it's more strategy than anything eIse.
No, he can't get his girIfriend off. I mean, at aII.
However, recent concerns have come to Iight,
and I genuineIy fear that my days may be numbered.
My girIfriend is my whoIe Iife, though.
And I don't even think she knows it.
Aw, that's so sweet.
Why don't you waIk us through your steps.
-Beginning to end. -Okay.
WeII, first we kiss.
Then I touch her. . . boobs.
Then I kiss her. . . boobs.
For how Iong?
I don't know, Iike, probabIy a coupIe minutes per boob.
Go on.
Then we'II get naked, and we kiss some more.
And I'II touch her in her. . . speciaI pIace.
And then we do it.
For how Iong?
At Ieast five or six minutes.
Five? PIease.
And at the end, does she ever, you know, Iike--
[ Moans ]
No.
No?
And that's the probIem.
Your first mistake is you don't spend enough time kissing.
SensuaI kissing is very important in making Iove to a woman.
Huh.
Dude, I am getting a serious notorious B-I-G in my pants.
Don't Iet her undress herseIf, you know.
God, women absoIuteIy Iove to be undressed.
-So, do it sIow. -Oh.
Do everything sIow.
That just comes undone just Iike that?
That's-- That's great.
VocaIize.
Men get turned on by visuaIs.
Women, we get turned on by audio.
You're so beautifuI.
You're turning me on, you bitch.
Yeah, yeah, I Iike it when you caII me a bitch.
Yeah, you just wanna touch me Iike that, don't you?
You just wanna touch me. You just wanna touch me, smack --
-SIap my dick, sIap it! -What?
SIap it, you--
I mean--
What can I get ya?
Can I have a vodka tonic and a shot of tequiIa?
Okay.
-Here you go, beautifuI. -Thank you.
Wow, you are sexy. You know that?
Thanks.
Some awesome bands pIaying tonight, huh?
Yeah.
Wow.
[ Scoffs ]
What--
Thank you, garçon.
Ladies.
-So, what's the best position? -No, no, no.
What's the best sequence of positions, you know?
The key to making Iove to a woman is not the positions,
it's the cIitoris, it's the hot button to a woman,
it's the eweI.
The diamond, rarr!
You guys know where to find the diamond, right?
[ Laughs ] Yeah.
Of course we do.
What do we Iook Iike, cavemen?
MAN: You smeII Iike sex.
Are you sure you know how to kiss?
Are you out of your fuckin' mind?
That's the one thing I do know how to do well.
-Then prove it. -What?
Yeah, Layne. Prove it.
You are my brother for Iife. I'm doin' this for you.
-Make me proud. -Yes sir.
WeII, weII, weII, weII, weII. WeII, weII, weII.
Eeny, meeny, miney, moe, Iet me start the fires.
God damn it.
NOMI: Whoo-hoo!
[ Crash ]
Oh, yeah.
MAN: Is her arm broken?
[ Moaning ]
Oh. Oh, you are so sexy.
Soft kissing.
I Iove you.
Oh, God, you're making me so hot.
SensuaI touch.
Oh. Oh, you're so beautifuI.
-You're turning me on, bitch. -What?
No, nothing. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Shoo fly, don't bother me
Ow, you're on my hair.
Shoo fly, don't bother me
What? Are you singing?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
[ Moans ]
Okay.
Very nice. Very nice.
Both parties satisfied.
Wow. Wow.
That was great.
Right, didn't you think?
Yeah.
[ ChuckIes ]
[ Sighs ]
Rose has a great body.
You know, she's got the ass, the Iegs, the boobs.
Oh, I Iove those breasts.
Ow.
You know, they're Iike unicorns.
You know, just unreaI.
But so reaI.
A woman's body has a Iot of erogenous zones.
What do you mean?
It means that I'm sensitive in more pIaces on my body
than just my breasts.
Oh. WeII, I knew that. Come on, baby.
My neck, the smaII of my back,
and on the sides of my hips right there by the V.
That's my favorite.
My knees, my wrists.
And that IittIe pIace between my thighs.
INTERVIEWER: And how often do you orgasm?
-Um, sometimes. -AIways.
Sometimes?
AII the time.
Thank you. That's more Iike it.
I masturbate when I'm aIone.
What?
God, can you feeI my muscIes getting bigger?
I can see your muscIes. I can see your muscIes growing.
You seem angry. Are you okay? You happy?
Yes, of course I'm happy.
It's just, you know, sometimes Andy can be a IittIe--
-EmotionaIIy unsatisfying? -Yes.
I mean, no. Am I a terribIe person?
No, you're not a terribIe person. Lauren, it's how you feeI.
I mean, the important thing's you Iove this guy, right?
Right.
DoubIe punch!
Jesus Christ.
And that IittIe dick Ioves you, right?
Right. I think.
WeII, has he toId you he Ioves you?
AII right.
I wiII punch him in the face if you have one singIe doubt.
I don't have doubts. Why wouId you say that?
AII right. A minute? AII right, here we go.
-She's not sure, man. -Just focus on that.
Pretend that's your dad.
Listen, okay, first of aII, you don't even think this guy's the one.
You said it.
And second of aII, you're not even sure if he Ioves you.
Let me give him a fist rocket to the face, pIease.
Okay, weII, Iet's just say, for argument's sake,
that maybe I have one or two doubts.
Or two, okay.
-What wouId I do to get rid of them? -Fist rocket!
[ Screams ]
Fuck!
I swore.
First, you gotta go out with someone as a test.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, someone with a bunch of money.
DoubIe punch!
Someone you couId theoreticaIIy see yourseIf dating or marrying.
That is terribIe!
It's not even terribIe. I'm not asking you to bone this guy.
Bone the guy. Who are you kidding?
Oh, my God!
Listen. Go out with the guy, right. Have a drink.
Guys, no, I can't. That's too drastic.
-Is it? -Yes.
AII right, Iet's see it.
-AII right, ready? -Uh-huh.
Heat.
-That one hurt a IittIe. -Yeah, it Iooked Iike it hurt.
l just wanna be where you are tonight
Alone in the dark looking for some light
Hey, Doug, I think my Ieft nut just got hard.
Look at the--
Ooh, Iook at the knockers on this bitch.
Let me light up the sky
Light it up for you
Let me tell you why
l would die for you
LAYNE: What up, man? What's wrong?
She magged me.
She what?
Right after sex, she read a magazine.
Oh, man, fuck my ass. Are you serious?
It's worse than I thought.
Okay, wait a minute, was this the first time?
I think so. I don't know. I usuaIIy faII asIeep so fast.
What do you mean, you faII asIeep so fast?
-I just, I do it, and then I'm out.
WeII, I understand that. But that's not the point, man.
We stiII have hope, here.
Did you Iearn anything from the Iesbians and porn stars?
-Just run it back with me. -Yeah, I thought so.
I did the sensuaI kissing. The fuII-body caressing.
The vocaIizing.
AfterpIay?
Yeah, there was no point. Look--
What do you mean, there was no point?
She was reading a magazine. Look, I don't wanna taIk about this.
Listen, Iet's bring it together, Iet's bring it together.
Did you at Ieast stimuIate her fIower, her speciaI pIace?
Stop that.
Look, yeah, I did.
I moved my hand down there sort of Iike on a scouting mission.
She moved it away.
-She-- She sent back your scout? -She sent back my scout!
What the fuck?!
Hey, what's up, Andy?
I can't heIp but overhear your situation in here.
Yeah. Hey, Ryan, what's up, man? I'm sorry about aII the commotion.
No probIem, dude. I'm just trying to record a song here, but. . .
Are you?
Look, man, do you know what you're Iooking for?
What do you mean?
I mean, do you know how to find a diamond?
Yeah, I know how to find a diamond, man.
No, dude. Look, just admit it.
Your scout's getting turned away at the gate.
Maybe I'm just a IittIe off target.
Dude, you're making this so much harder than it needs to be.
You're not taking your fucking SATs here.
I know. It's a Iot harder.
On the SATs, you just fiII in a circIe with a penciI.
I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing here!
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Hey, Iisten, Iisten, Dr. Ryan, thank you very much. I got this now.
Thank you. Record your song. Thank you.
Listen, man, don't worry about that, man.
Look, I'm gonna caII my mom's OB guy right now,
because we are gonna find ourseIves a five-carat Cartier soIitaire.
Where's my high-five?
-Dr. Katz? -Can I heIp you?
Yes. Layne WiIson.
Judith WiIson's son? I--
Oh, yes.
The Iast time I saw you, you were onIy. . .
Yeah, I was a cute IittIe kid, man.
You know, when we first deIivered you,
we weren't sure if you were a boy or a girI.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, girIy man.
AII right. Now, how can I heIp you two gentIemen?
Since you've probabIy seen quite a few. . . girI parts,
is where I might find the. . .
The hooded Iady.
The cIit?
Yes.
Then you've come to the right pIace.
Oh, shit.
These are the Iabium maus.
These are the Iabium minus.
And this here is the cIitoris.
AII this time.
Never seen one before?
I mean, I've seen that one, so. . .
Yeah, but he's not taIking about the chart, Andy.
Now why is it there? Why not Iower?
There are IiteraIIy thousands of nerves
aII ending right here.
Yeah. The weak spot on the Death Star.
Hey, Doc, I aIso wanted to ask you about Iongevity.
Um, I'm not exactIy an expert on that subect.
God knows I used to have an--
A probIem?
Not a probIem, per se.
-Now you don't. -No more probIem.
WeII, what did you do?
We don't have sex anymore.
I have a body piIIow that I pretend is her sister.
[ Laughs ]
-Uh, you wanna go? -I'm good to go.
I'm good-- Thank you.
Je t'aime, Lauren. Marry me.
No, I wiII not marry you.
You didn't even remember our anniversary.
[ CIears throat ]
Hi, Curtis.
-Busy? -No, of course not.
[ Laughs nervousIy ]
Um, so the CIark BuiIding is coming aIong reaIIy great.
Everything you do is great.
Oh, thanks.
Which is why I'm promoting you
to the director of the Chicago office. Boom.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God.
I don't even know what to say.
Yes. Yes.
Big raise, company car,
and you'II be on the fast track to partner. What do you say?
Can I have a few days to think about it?
[ Groans ]
Ooh, Lauren, w--
[ Laughs ]
I'm just kidding. You have two days.
But off the record, for a woman your age,
this is the chance of a Iifetime.
Thank you.
And you didn't have to sIeep with anyone.
Hey, DanieI.
-He's the cooIest. -Curtis.
What's up, D-dog?
[ Barks ]
Oh, man. Love this guy.
Lauren, meet DanieI. He's here for the week.
-Lauren? -Oh, my God.
Danny MeItzer, are you kidding me?
You know each other?
Our parents are friends in Irvine. We practicaIIy grew up together.
How are you? Oh, my goodness.
Hi.
I aIways wonder what happened to you.
You Iook. . . thinner.
-You Iook amazing. -Thank you.
Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since you Ieft for coIIege.
I was in the 8th grade, and my heart was broken.
Aw.
We shouId catch up. Let's go get a drink.
I wouId Iove to.
Dinner is on me.
Okay. Focus, pIease? AII right.
You two might see more of each other, aII right?
DanieI is based in Chicago.
And I don't see a ring on that finger, pIayer.
Hook it up.
[ Barks ]
-Curtis. Curtis. -He's the cooIest!
-He's the cooIest, man! -Curtis.
Love those pecks!
What's wrong with me, Layne?
Oh, wow, that's gonna take a Iong time.
Do you want a Iist?
I'm just saying, I've got a runner on third, and I can't get him home.
'Cause it's hard, Andy.
I mean, if it was easy, we'd aII be in the pros
knocking home runs Iike we Barry Bonds.
I can't Iose her.
I mean, Lauren is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Oh, so you reaIIy do Iove her?
Yeah.
AbsoIuteIy. You couIdn't teII?
No. I mean, I've never heard you say it.
I guess I'm just not that kind of guy, you know?
I've never heard my dad say it to my mom,
but they've been married for Iike 30 years.
Wow.
You know, recentIy I've been thinking about--
-What, the porn stars? -No.
-The Iesbians? -No.
What?
I'm thinking about asking Lauren to marry me.
-Are you serious? -Yeah, I'm serious.
Man, Lauren is the one.
The one?
How the heII do you know she's the one?
Remember when we were at Ford's barbecue,
when I ate Iike three brownies
and nobody toId me they were pot brownies?
And you spaced out.
Remember I got aII scared,
I thought the hedges were gonna come kiII me?
I hid in the cIoset.
Lauren comes into that cIoset with a goIf cIub,
decIares herseIf protector of the cIoset.
She sat in there with me for Iike two hours.
She took care of me.
And now my onIy goaI in this worId is to take care of her.
Wow.
That's. . .
. . .fuckin' pathetic.
You don't Iike this idea?
You're not into this? I thought you Iiked Lauren.
I do Iike Lauren. Look.
My probIem is, I don't think guys shouId be settIing down.
It's unnaturaI. I mean Iions, tigers, monkeys--
Did you ever notice in the animaI kingdom
that none of them are monogamous?
They're aII boning and fucking each other off.
But humans, we wanna put ourseIves in this IittIe box,
this IittIe, tiny box,
'cause marriage, that's aII there is, man.
It's a fuckin' prison. I'm bIack. I don't Iike prison.
WeII, what do you beIieve in, Layne?
Friendship.
Come on, Andy, you can't teII me you haven't had fun
the past few days.
It's been Iike oId times, man.
Love just doesn't Iast.
I mean, take it from my dad.
I mean, it broke him in two
when my mom Ieft him for that. . . paperboy.
It is surprisingIy difficuIt to hit a porch from a moving bicycIe.
That hurts, man.
That guy had skiIIs, is aII I'm saying.
Man, fuck you, man. That shit stiII hurts.
Is he younger than you?
-Oh, my God, man. Shut up! -I'm just sayin'.
Man, shut up. Don't even taIk to me.
-Timmy, right? -Fuck you!
-It's Timmy. -Hey! Who wants to be my friend?!
-Come on. -Hey, what are we doing here?
'Cause I heard once that Sting was abIe to keep an erection
for more than five days
because he's got some Buddhist mind controI.
I don't want a five-day erection. That'd hurt.
I sIeep on my beIIy. I can't sIeep on my back.
Oh, wouId you stop bitchin'?
[ Meditation music pIays ]
[ Humming ]
Excuse me, Sifu,
is it true that you can make Iove for a reaIIy Iong time?
I seem to be getting there earIy.
You arrive at the party first?
You couId say that I eat aII the hors d'oeuvres
and pass out with my shoes on
whiIe they're stiII bIowing up baIIoons and hanging streamers.
Buddhism is not taught for that specific purpose.
But I beIieve I can heIp.
Thank you, Sifu.
Sex is the uItimate expression of Iife force.
It combines mind, body, and emotion.
But the mind is the key.
It controIs desire, emotions,
your erection, your penis.
Now, cIose your eyes.
Empty your mind of aII thoughts.
If a thought comes into your mind, gentIy usher it out.
What if the thought, you know, has, Iike, reaIIy nice-ass titties and--
Out, damned spot!
Out!
[ Groans ]
[ ChuckIes ]
Open your eyes.
This is caIIed meditation.
Practice it often.
It wiII make your mind grow in controI.
-And by ''in controI,'' you mean-- -Yes.
Then you can arrive at the party any time.
[ Laughs ]
And what if that doesn't work?
Try taking a shit.
That wiII be $50, pIease.
Did we miss it?
You missed it, causing me to miss it, yes.
I was meditating, and I Iost track of time.
Meditating? You aIways have some excuse.
And it's endearing?
And it's annoying.
Look, Iet's just go back to my pIace, we'II rent a movie.
Let me make it up to you.
-I have a headache. -What, you have a headache?
-That's what I said. -Yeah, but you never get headaches.
WeII, congratuIations, you've given me a headache.
Now you get to deaI with an extra-grumpy girIfriend.
Yeah, Iook, Lauren.
-Lauren. -What?
I am very sorry.
I know that you hate to wait.
You make it seem Iike it's my fauIt.
HeIIo. I said I'm sorry.
Yeah, but you phrased it in a way
that suggests that the reason I'm mad is because of me.
I'm sorry that I phrase it in a way that you don't find genuine?
You're doing it again.
WeII, I'm sorry that I can't apoIogize in a way that you find acceptabIe.
Look, sweetie, baby rabbit, we're gonna rent a movie.
We're gonna have a great night.
We'II make a pizza. You wanna make a pizza?
Who doesn't Iike to make a pizza at home?
When I first met GiI it was after one of his shows,
and he was sweaty and smeIIy and very, very sexy.
The sex with Nanette at first was off the charts.
I mean, I was at the top of my game.
What I was doing is I was just picturing myseIf as her.
And then I wouId just make Iove to her
the way I'd want to make Iove to myseIf.
I started to reaIize that it wasn't just after his shows, you know?
He aIways smeIIed that bad.
You know, I'm not used to being dumped.
I mean, Iook at me. I didn't ask for aII these gifts.
It's just-- I'm a treat.
I'm in a band, I sing, I'm handsome.
I got a bike, I got this cowboy fashion thing going on,
a IittIe Easy Rider.
I mean, I can cook a quesadiIIa whiIe I make Iove.
I mean, that's focus.
He couId stink so bad it makes my eyes tear.
Her eyes wouId tear. I mean, it was crazy.
I mean, that's what I'm packing.
I mean, she made it seem Iike it may have been the underwear,
but it's not what you're wearing, it's what's inside it.
You know, it's about your heart and your baIIs.
And then he actuaIIy expects me to have physicaI contact with him?
You know, part of me, Iike, in my Ioins. . .
I think she might be seeing someone eIse
because it tingIes sometimes.
I started seeing someone eIse a coupIe of months ago.
[ Laughs ]
INTERVIEWER: TeII us about him.
What can I say?
He just reaIIy knows how to treat a woman.
-HeIIo. -This guy?
You see, you chose this guy over me?
This guy? Are you crazy?
I mean, Iook at my hair. You know?
Curtis satisfies me in ways that you couId never even imagine.
[ GiggIes ]
And wash your baIIs.
I'II wash one. I'm not gonna just ump into things.
[ Rock music pIays ]
Didn't your Dad drive through the guest house?
Not the guest house.
The fence, a coupIe of times. It was mostIy the side patio.
Yeah, he has a probIem with depth perception in generaI.
You know, I actuaIIy reaIIy miss
those famiIy vacations we used to take.
Except for the car rides. Those were torture.
Remember that time we aII went skiing that one year?
And I hurt my knee.
And I had to carry you, what, haIf a miIe to the Iodge?
-I have something to confess. -What?
Um, my knee might not have been as hurt as I said.
Lauren, I mean, I don't want this to seem too forward,
but are you dating anyone right now?
Yeah.
I knew that. I mean, God's not that kind, is he?
Oh, shut up, Dan. You probabIy have tons of girIfriends.
Not even a pound.
I don't buy it for a second.
You're probabIy a pIayer.
No, I think I just wanna find the right person.
You know, get married, start a famiIy.
Me too.
I mean, not that I haven't.
So this guy, your boyfriend--
Andy is his name.
Andy. Hmm.
Does he take care of you?
HeIIo?
Hi.
How may I heIp you?
Do you have any books on women?
What specificaIIy about them?
[ ChuckIes ]
Um, something Iike. . . how to make Iove to a woman?
Ohh. . . okay.
Let me just check for you.
Sure.
-[ YeIIs ] : Nanette! -Yeah?
Do we happen to have any books
about how to make Iove to a woman?
How to what?
Make Iove to a woman.
How to make Iove to a woman.
Um, hang on, Iet me check.
Okay.
[ Whispers ] : She's just gonna check for you.
I feeI Iike you think this is for me, but it's not.
It's for somebody eIse.
Nope, no books on how to make Iove to a woman. Sorry.
Oh, no probIem. I'II just get my friend something eIse.
Or maybe I'II, you know, I'II write down some of my own techniques
and I'II just give those to him.
It's no big deaI. No big deaI.
Maybe I'II just get a pen and some paper.
Over here? Good.
Hey, buddy.
I hear ya on the woman thing.
I think I can heIp. I know a thing or two.
Hey, Iook, I'm reaIIy-- I'm fine with information.
-No, and -- and I've been there, too. -No, thank you.
OiIs.
-Hear me out. FIavored oiIs. -LAUREN: No, that's not true.
Now, I know we've aII been there, Iube it up, have a great time.
But what I'm taIking about is another IeveI.
Hey, so what's Andy Iike?
He's very sweet.
-And it combines that. . . -He's funny.
. . .that taste, the tingIe on the tongue with the tingIe down there. . .
I know he wouId never do anything to hurt me.
Sounds Iike a puppy.
[ Laughs ]
Yes, exactIy, he's Iike a puppy. OnIy not as cute.
It's the kind of thing that they pass down in tribes
-for years and years. . . -No, he's cute.
What you need to reaIize, though, is that, you know, most women,
they may say they want connection,
they wanna get hit Iike a sack of potatoes.
You guys ever taIk about getting married?
No, not reaIIy.
Does that bother you?
No.
Okay, a IittIe.
Why don't you just taIk to him about it?
WeII, I don't wanna seem too pushy.
My mother was pushy, and Iook what happened.
So you reaIIy think he's the one?
I guess I have my doubts.
WeII, I don't see it, 'cause it's reaIIy obscure.
-And it doesn't exist. -It does exist.
I'm teIIing you.
Where do you wanna go?
They don't Iet you sIeep here, I don't think.
I know they don't.
Just Ietting you know.
But it's the best line l've ever waited in
l can still hear voices and a bottle spin
Yes, oh, yes
Hi.
-Hey, guys. -Hey.
CongratuIations, Andy. I heard about your big decision.
-What decision? -You're getting married.
I'm not getting married.
Of course you are. You're in Iove.
She doesn't think I'm the one.
What are you taIking about?
She said so, tonight, at a bookstore.
I overheard her taIking to some guy.
Who?
Some guy she's probabIy sIeeping with.
Some guy who couId probabIy satisfy her in bed.
-What a bitch. -Don't say that, Layne.
Why not, Nomi?
Andy's the most devoted boyfriend in the worId.
Why wouId she do that? That's not Iove.
Are you sure you know what you heard?
Okay, maybe it was out of context.
Oh, my God, Nomi, he's not stupid.
And why are you defending her? You hate her.
You hate Lauren?
-Despise. -I don't hate Lauren.
Okay, I don't reaIIy Iike her, but I don't hate her.
You don't Iike Lauren?
I just-- I don't think she's right for you, Andy.
Layne's the one who thinks she's changed you.
Oh, you think I've changed?
When I met you, you had a Hawaiian shirt and a mustache.
You Iooked Iike a bIack Magnum P.I.
Okay, first of aII, that was a Iook, and I Iook more Iike T.C.
You're no T.C.
[ Laughs ]
You wanna go? Fine.
Yes, you've changed.
ReaIIy? How?
You're fIaky, you dress bad,
everything you do now has to be cIeared.
And there's nothing wrong with that, but I'm just saying,
you Ieased out your man souI for a guaranteed Iousy Iay in bed
once a week.
You're not a dude anymore, okay?
WeII, okay. CIearIy, I don't need this.
Oh, oh, what? What, so you can dish it out, but you can't take it?
Look, I got somebody who cares about me now, Layne, aII right?
I'm sorry if that stings a IittIe.
And I dress fucking awesome!
Who's going to the Lethal Weapon parties with me now?!
I gotta find me a new white boy.
-There's Iots of them. -That shit ain't easy!
What's up, man? What's your name?
[ Door opens ]
Hi.
Where have you been?
I was at a show. Where have you been?
WeII, I've been here, waiting as usuaI.
Hmm.
But before that, what'd you do tonight?
Nothing.
-I saw you with that guy, Lauren. -You mean with--
I heard what you said.
I'm not the one?
I didn't say that.
I said that I had doubts.
Sweet. Thanks.
Makes me feeI a whoIe Iot better.
Who is this new Joe Stud?
He's just a coIIeague.
He's in town from Chicago, and we decided--
Why'd you Iie to me?
[ Scoffs ]
I didn't Iie.
I wasn't on a date, Andy. I didn't do anything wrong.
Besides, you don't hear me going crazy
every time you're out with Nomi.
Are you Iying now?
[ Scoffs ]
I can't even beIieve you just said that.
Is this because of the, you know. . .
because I've been making big changes. I'm reaIIy trying.
Oh, but are you reaIIy?
Of course I am.
And it's not as easy as you might think.
It's actuaIIy quite difficuIt.
Oh, so now you're bIaming me.
Let's just say you're not the easiest woman to pIease.
So I can't do anything right, can I?
What do you want from me?
Don't answer that, 'cause I aIready know.
Curtis offered me a ob in Chicago.
And I'm thinking about taking it.
What?
Fine.
Take it.
Andy, come on.
ReaIIy?
Have fun.
You know, Chicago has reaIIy coId winters.
You take it.
Andy!
[ Door sIams shut ]
[ Sobs ]
Tell me what you're thinking, baby
As my hand is touching yours
lt may have been an accident
Or maybe it's what l was reaching for
Once you hit the five stars, it's pretty much impossibIe.
I ump in the water,
get, you know, bIown up by the huII.
Tomorrow l'll forget
What drove me to this paper
Jenna Jameson?
But l'll use it anyway
TONY: I don't know what I'm taIkin' about?
Hey, go get my frickin' chips!
Shove it, Tony! Shove it!
Thank you.
[ ChiIdren yeIIing in the background ]
Give me a bottIe of that magicness over there.
What's your excuse?
GirIfriend fight. You?
What, you didn't see the caravan of Snack Packs
and size fours roII in?
I did, actuaIIy. They're beautifuI.
[ Scoffs ]
You must've had a few fights in your day.
I've won a coupIe.
I'II seII that horse for gas if you don't stop right now.
Stay over here and put that gas pump back!
You're gonna bIow us aII up!
Can I give you some advice?
PIease.
Good communication skiIIs are the key to any reIationship.
You said that in James Bondage, didn't you?
Those are words to Iive by.
I mean, Tony and I. . .
we say it Iike we reaIIy feeI.
Hey, who's this guy?
I feeI eaIous.
I wiII cut you in the face if you make a probIem.
He's a nice guy. He's having a rough night.
Oh. Dang.
See? By simpIy saying what you feeI --
I mean, reaIIy feeI --
that's how you don't cIoud the issue.
Oh, I definiteIy didn't say what I reaIIy meant tonight.
CouId I suggest something?
Maybe a bottIe of wine and then an apoIogy.
Not my beer?
Get your asses in the car or Jesus doesn't Iove you.
CHILDREN: Not Jesus! No, no, no!
[ Car door cIoses ]
Good Iuck, Andy.
Thanks, Jenna.
[ ''Keep Us'' by Peter BradIey Adams pIays ]
Lauren?
When the rain set in
We had nowhere left to go
So we just stayed in bed
While the thunder rolled
There's a comfort in the rain, one that lovers...
And then he just kind of, Iike, bIew up at me.
[ ExhaIes ]
He--
He toId me to take the ob in Chicago.
Like he doesn't even care!
Honey, of course he doesn't care.
He's just Iike the rest of the heartIess,
reproducing machines out there.
I mean, he shouId be here right now begging you to stay.
Not throwing fits Iike some sort of baby-chiId.
I mean, Lauren, you cannot hoId this guy's hand
through every hiccup in your reIationship.
WeII, I know this, but you know, then part of me wonders
if he does reaIIy care, then. . .
I'd be throwing away everything that I Iove about him.
So? That can't be very much.
I'm gonna punch that IittIe piece of shit in the Adam's appIe.
-PIease. -I wiII.
Honey, you going to Chicago
couId be the best thing that happens for the both of you, okay?
And you're stiII gonna visit aII the time
because your parents are so cIose, right?
Yeah.
Or you couId just string him aIong endIessIy
and make other commitments on the side.
That's what I do.
I'm thinking that maybe that's not the best advice in the situation.
Lauren, you know what's right in your heart. You gotta go.
Oh, God, I wanna throw up.
-Oh, Iet it out. Let it out. -Don't puke.
[ ''Sunday Drive'' by The EarIy November pIays ]
And we wait above a road
We're turning to go home
And the silence from the side of the car
Nomi and Layne caIIed to apoIogize again.
When'd you taIk to those erk faces?
Just now. I'm aII out of paper, though.
Been writing Iyrics for my side proect.
It's probabIy gonna be worth it if I can make a Ioad of cash. . .
as soon as you give me a record deaI.
We'II taIk Iater.
[ DiaI tone ]
[ TeIephone rings ]
-HeIIo. -Is Lauren home?
Oh, you know what? You just missed her.
She went home to get away from her erk boyfriend.
Wait, who is this?
Is that that IittIe douche bag that has a bIind date with my right shin?
Thanks.
Oh, was that your mom?
And l wonder if l'm alone
-Hey, Mom? -Mm-hmm.
Why did you and Dad spIit up?
Because I kicked his Iazy ass out. That's why.
Yeah, but why?
I guess I just wasn't sure that I was in Iove with him anymore.
And he was Iazy.
WeII, what made you change your mind?
Found out I couIdn't Iive without him.
Because he's the one?
No.
'Cause I Iove him.
ReIationships go through aII kinds of peaks and vaIIeys, Lauren.
And there is no ''one.''
UnIess you're counting the one in the back of your imagination.
Here's what I think.
I think you find the right person that you wanna buiId a Iife with,
and then you make that person the perfect one for you.
[ Crash ]
Goddamnit! Damn it! Lawn mower's got a mind of its own!
And you try reaI hard.
MR. BAKER: Goddamnit!
[ DoorbeII rings ]
Andy! Hey, good to see you.
Hey, Dad.
Good to see ya. Come on in.
Yeah.
Grandpa, how ya doin'?
Yeah, the hemorrhoids are humping Iike rabbits.
-Ah. Unfortunate. -Yeah.
-How's everything? -Oh, yeah, everything's great.
-I was just in the neighborhood. -Good.
-MRS. CONNERS: Is that Andy? -Hey.
Mom, Andy's home!
-Oh, hi, honey. -Hey, Mom.
Did you get those teeth-whitening strips I sent you?
Yes, I got everything. Thank you so much.
-Hey, Gram. -Where's Lauren?
She went to Irvine.
Shoot. I Iike her, Andy.
Yeah. I Iike her, too.
-When you gonna pop the question? -Whoa.
Yeah. I don't know.
God, you're handsome.
If I weren't your grandmother,
I might get carried away after a six-pack.
Grandma!
Take it easy.
Have you said hi to Scott yet?
The bastard chiId?
It's true. He's not my son.
He's in his room.
You've aIways been such a good infIuence on him.
He's reaIIy nervous about a IittIe date of his own tonight.
WouId you go?
Yeah, I'II go taIk to him.
Dinner in five minutes.
-Pot roast. -Come on, Mom.
Hey, IittIe bro.
What's up, baby? What's crackin'? Thanks for the tickets.
Oh, not a probIem. Who you takin'?
Barbie.
Barbie? Is that your girIfriend?
Let's just say we party.
Nice.
Hey, Scott.
Have you ever--
-You know, I mean, have you-- -Fucked?
Yeah.
It's-- It's kinda my speciaIty.
I'm not pIaying T-baII anymore, you know?
WeII, Iet me ask you something.
Have you ever had a probIem with. . .
. . .arriving earIy?
No. No.
But I take it you have.
Andy, Andy, Andy.
Ever tried the hammer-of-Thor grip?
The what of who?
Hammer of Thor.
If you're about to crash the party, just grab the e-brake and puII.
Don't use it too often, though.
She'II Iose everything she's been buiIding up.
-And there's the pre-date. -Pre-date?
Come on, Andy.
30 minutes before you party, have a IittIe pre-party.
That, combined with a Iot of forepIay,
some sensuaI kissing,
and a IittIe afterpIay cunniIingus, that shouId do the trick.
-AfterpIay cunniIingus? -Yeah.
That's Iike putting your mouth where your dick just was.
You're essentiaIIy giving yourseIf a bIowob.
If onIy, Andy. If onIy.
AII right, Iisten up.
A good way to think about it
is Iike it's a ride, not a race, you know?
Once you get your motor started, you just gotta ease it into first
and cruise for a whiIe.
And then after you hear her go Iike this. . .
[ Moans ]
. . .just push in the cIutch and shift her into second.
I don't want-- I'd rather not Iook, but I get it.
When you hear her go. . .
[ Gasps ]
. . .just throw it into third and go Iike this.
But then if you hear her go Iike this. . .
[ Screams ]
. . .just fIoor it and count to 300.
Aaaahhhh!
AII right. Scotty, Scotty, Scotty, Scotty.
What if I'm--
What if I don't make it to 300?
What if I can onIy count to, Iike, six?
HoIy shit, six?
1 00 wiII get her to OrIando.
300 wiII get her there and back.
Six wiII get you a bad attitude the next day.
AII right. That made me hungry.
Let's eat.
I've got a 9:00 with Barbie and her sister. Know what I mean?
Andy, did you know that Scotty has a girIfriend?
-Barbie, right? -That's right.
-Did you kiss her yet? -Aw, come on, Dad.
What were you two taIking about back there? I heard noises.
Oh, yeah. Andy can't get Lauren to cIimax in bed.
-Whoa. -Oh, honey.
Are you taking your vitamins?
Scott, aren't you supposed to meet someone about now?
Oh, yeah, yeah, totaIIy.
Can I have money?
[ Sighs ]
Just make sure that you're home by midnight.
Pops, I promise I wiII be in bed by midnight.
300.
So, are you impotent or something?
Does your pecker work at aII?
Yes. Yes, it works. It works Iike crazy.
It's awesome.
Good.
Do -- do you mix things up a IittIe? Show her some variety?
Yeah.
Gotta be spontaneous. We used to do it in your room.
No.
And you have to know her fantasies.
You know, Iike pirate and sIave girI.
[ Pirate impression ] : Ar, you're mine now, you brown beauty.
I got ya.
Do you do forepIay?
Grandma. . .
Yes, I do forepIay.
But do you go down on her?
Mother!
Hey, you wanna get to Vegas, you gotta cross the desert, son.
Since when did everyone in this famiIy
turn into some kind of sex expert?
We got cabIe Iast month.
[ Laughter ]
You have to find out what Lauren enoys,
what she wants.
When did you Iast teII her that you Ioved her?
WeII, never.
What?
Andy, women need to hear those magic words.
There's your probIem.
WeII, I've never heard Dad say it.
That's the Iast thing he says to me every night.
ReaIIy?
I --
I never reaIized.
Do you Iove her?
Yeah. I reaIIy do.
You gotta teII her.
Forget everything eIse. That's the most important thing of aII.
When I get back, I'II take her somewhere reaIIy nice and I'II--
Now, Andy.
Now.
DanieI.
Can Lauren come out to pIay?
What are you doing here?
Curtis said you'd be visiting your parents.
He did, did he?
He wants me to convince you to take the Chicago ob.
So here.
Wow.
-PIane tickets. -Mm-hmm.
Can I taIk you into a gIass of wine? We'II ceIebrate?
I don't know if I shouId.
I know a great IittIe ItaIian spot just right down the road.
Are you forgetting that I grew up here, too?
Come on.
No, I shouIdn't.
Why?
Andy and I are fighting.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
That's a bummer.
Wait, these are pIane tickets, and you act Iike it's not a big deaI.
WeII, it's not.
ReaIIy. I mean, these are just pieces of paper.
The actuaI fIying part is the big deaI.
Right.
Come on, one IittIe gIass of wine.
A haIf-- a IittIe, itsy-bitsy, tiny gIass of wine.
Okay, but just one.
Just one. WeII, that-- yeah, that's what I said.
l am desperate and lonely
You're the only one for me
l know l'm pathetic
One day l'll regret this
You've got me now
[ Speed diaI ]
Hi, you've reached Lauren.
l'm away from my phone right now, but if you leave a message l'll--
[ Hangs up ]
Oh, heIIo, Andy.
HeIIo, Mrs. Baker.
-What brings you here? -Lauren.
She's not answering my caIIs,
and we kind of had this IittIe, tiny fight.
-May I speak with her? -She went downtown.
Do you know where downtown?
-No, honey, she went with a friend. -And which friend was that?
-DanieI. -Oh.
WouId you Iike to come in and wait?
I can't chat right now, Mrs. Baker. I'm sorry.
I'm in Iove with your daughter. Kinda busy.
Sorry 'bout your fIowers.
So just, you know, hearing about this beautifuI, taIented Lauren --
Lauren this, Lauren that, you know.
And when Curtis caIIed me down to meet you,
I just waIked up, and I just --
In a miIIion years, I wouId've never, you know, thought that it was you.
Lauren.
What?
Is everything okay?
Yeah.
You know, we're not doing anything wrong here.
No, no, I know.
So what're you thinking about?
Andy.
He's the one.
I mean, right now he's sort of Iike a haIf.
But hopefuIIy, in a few years, he'II be a one.
You sure?
So, I guess that means you're not coming to Chicago?
I guess not. I'm sorry.
I hope I'm as Iucky as Andy is some day.
I think you wiII be.
You think?
Yeah, definiteIy.
WeII, here's to true Iove.
Even if you have doubts at first.
[ CeII phone vibrates ]
It's Curtis.
So I guess I'm gonna go out there
and teII him that you're staying in L.A.?
Oh, he's not gonna be happy.
Andy. What are you doing here?
Mmm, I Iove the bread.
What are you doing here? You don't Iove bread.
I'm just here with a friend.
What's wrong?
-I hope I'm not interrupting. -No, of course not.
In fact, I'm actuaIIy reaIIy gIad you're here.
Yeah, I'm reaIIy gIad to be here, too. Now you can teII me the truth.
Truth about what?
About DanieI, this prick you're here with.
No, we're not here together.
He's just a famiIy friend.
Oh. Now he's a famiIy friend. I thought he was a coIIeague.
Yeah, he's both.
He grew up a bIock away from my parents.
I've known him since I was 1 0.
And Iast night he just happened to be in L.A.,
and tonight he just happens to be in Irvine?
Yes.
Stop Iying to me!
-I'm not Iying!
How couId you do this behind my back?
Have you sIept with him aIready?
I'm not cheating on you.
WiII you be oining us for dinner tonight, sir?
I'm sorry that I can't satisfy you, okay?
I'm sorry that I'm so inadequate in bed
that my wiener and aII its shortcomings
have driven you to this huge boner that you've known since you were 1 0.
Just Iet me know if you change your mind.
Andy, you need to caIm down right now.
It's never been about that.
AII right, fine, it doesn't heIp, but. . . .
It's about you not being there for me emotionaIIy.
I have aIways been there for you emotionaIIy.
I Iive there emotionaIIy, in a nice big house
with rows of pretty fIowers out front.
You never even said you Ioved me.
Oh, but DanieI wiII. He'II probabIy teII you next week, right?
And then you guys can go off and have babies,
and you can send me e-maiIs and teII me aII about your babies.
WeII, guess what, Lauren?
I don't give a damn about you and your stupid babies.
You know what reaIIy gets me?
I had no doubt you were the girI
I wanted to spend the rest of my Iife with.
And now I know you never were that girI.
[ ExhaIes ]
Is that reaIIy how you feeI?
Yeah.
[ Sobbing ]
-Lauren? Lauren? -Oh.
Hey, prickstain, take a waIk?
-Lauren, you okay? -What's it to you?
-Do you not hear me? -She's my friend, Andy.
And I don't Iike to see her embarrassed in pubIic.
DanieI, wiII you pIease take me home?
AbsoIuteIy.
Lauren, pIease, Iet me take you home.
I'II take you home. I'm sorry.
Good-bye, Andy.
[ Knocking on door ]
I'm busy.
[ knocking continues ]
Okay, enough with the knocking!
Hi.
Oh. How was the future?
You Iook Iike you sIept under a donkey.
Yeah, right after you kissed that donkey
and its two donkey friends.
Can we come in?
So, where were you Iast night?
[ Sighs ]
I went to Irvine.
What, to taIk to Lauren?
Yeah, to see Lauren. Why do you ask?
Wondering what method she used to try to change me?
Wow. Dude, that is so--
Okay.
I'm sorry, Andy.
I'm reaIIy sorry about that.
But I've been thinking a Iot recentIy and. . .
I've reaIized, I'm not upset with Lauren, I'm upset with you.
-Me? -Yeah, you.
Why are you mad at me?
Because you've totaIIy disappeared on me.
We used to be best friends,
and now I hardIy even see you anymore.
The onIy time you even taIk to me is when you need heIp.
You see me.
I mean, just because we don't see each other aII the time,
that doesn't mean we're not friends.
Whatever happens is gonna happen,
but no matter what, I wiII aIways consider you a brother.
And not Iike a brother.
-I mean, I do. I know what's up. -Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what's up.
AII right, brother, I'II catch you Iater.
CooI.
I'II see you in the car.
Waking up on Sunday morning
Finding over last night's indulgences
'Cause every time l've cried and tried to hide away my feelings
lt makes me sick
'Cause it's just a game that we play
And in the dark it all just goes away
'Cause l'm trying to forget
'Cause l know things will get better yet
And you'll see
You'll see
The changes in me
Lauren.
She here?
Nope.
-Where is she? -She's gone, man.
-Gone? Gone where? -Listen, if Lauren didn't teII you--
Then why the heII shouId we teII you, asshoIe?
Why shouIdn't we just punch you in the stomach!
-Awesome. -I did it.
That was awesome.
-That was awesome. -Because I Iove her, okay?
Paint it on a waII somewhere in big red Ietters.
PIease, I'm begging you.
I can't Iose her.
I mean, she's probabIy aIready at the airport, okay?
She's catching a fIight to Chicago.
-Now? -No, in 45 minutes.
She's Ieaving out of Long Beach.
I mean, you couId've toId me that you Ioved her.
I wouIdn't've punched you Iike that.
And you'll see
You'll see
The changes in me
l'm trying to forget
'Cause l know things will get better yet
And you'll see
You'll see
The changes in me
ln me
[ Cheers and appIause ]
Excuse me, sir, you can't park there.
Sir. Sir!
-I need a ticket. -Where to?
-Chicago. I need a ticket to Chicago. -Okay.
Um.
Oh.
I'm sorry, there are no more fIights to Chicago tonight.
Did one just Ieave?
Yes, it took off about 1 0 minutes ago.
So, it's-- it's gone?
WeII, it's not here, so I wouId assume it's in the air, sir.
-To Chicago? -Yes.
With Danny.
Excuse me?
[ Thunder ]
[ PIane departs ]
I'm so sorry.
You shouId be.
I have never wanted anything as much as I want this.
If I had wings, I wouId have fIown after that pIane.
You're my whoIe Iife.
And I know that in the past I might have taken that for granted.
But I don't know what I wouId do without you.
Do you think that you couId give me just one more chance?
Just one more.
I Iove you, Lauren.
I do. I reaIIy Iove you.
Andy, it's too Iate.
I'm sorry it took me so Iong.
No, you don't understand.
It's too Iate.
I don't wanna be with DanieI.
And I don't wanna Ieave my famiIy and my friends so far away,
but, Andy, I reaIized something.
I deserve so much better than you.
Lauren, are you serious?
You just never cared enough.
Lauren.
Oh.
Please don't throw that away
'Cause l'm here for you
Please don't walk away
Andy, you asshoIe!
I was just oking.
Did I take it too far?
I'm never Ietting go of you. You're not oking again, are you?
No.
Good.
Because that wouId be a terribIe oke.
I don't even know if it was funny the first time.
I can't Iet you back in that easy, can I?
AbsoIuteIy not. I deserved it.
Lauren, I'm so sorry.
I just got scared, and the thought of you Ieaving made me crazy.
I'm not Ieaving you.
Sometimes you can be a IittIe sIow, but I can handIe that.
Sometimes I'm a IittIe anxious.
I need you. You're the protector of my cIoset.
Say you're not Ieaving me just one more time.
I Iove you, Andy. I'm not Ieaving you.
But do you think I couId ever Iearn how to take care of you?
I mean, reaIIy take care of you?
That depends. Where are you taking me tonight?
How about we get in that cab?
Oh, my God, it rained aII the way into the cab.
And they took my car.
[ Moaning ]
I Iove you, Lauren.
l'm on the verge
Unraveling with every word
With every word you say
Make me believe
That l won't feel your tires on the street
The first time I sIept with Lauren, I thought I was great,
but I reaIIy wasn't.
I mean, I wasn't bad-bad,
but I was more Iike, you know, a five.
Um. . .
Right?
-Mmm, more Iike a three. -What?
Okay, Iike three haIves.
That's one and a haIf. That's even worse.
WeII, you got better. He got a Iot better.
And now I'm Iike a 1 0.
Okay. Let's not get carried away.
Okay. I can Iive with a 9.5. That's cooI.
[ Interviewer cIears throat ]
[ CIears throat again ]
Not bad for garIic breath.
WeII, it was that or burp, and that's sort of your thing.
Okay, so when we first started, maybe I wasn't a perfect 1 0 either.
And what changed?
I found the diamond.
l'm ready, so don't come
How to make Iove to a woman.
[ Phone rings ]
Watch this.
HeIIo?
Hey. Yeah--
No, I toId you, just come over, we'II just spoon.
Okay, see you tonight.
Taking a deep breath, feeIing good about yourseIf,
Iube, some Iesbians, and a cattIe prod.
I keep my pants on.
You know, a Iot of peopIe wanna be naked.
Just wear some cIothes in case of fire. It's about safety.
You don't wanna be making Iove naked,
house catches on fire,
you run outside and you get embarrassed.
I'm wearing what I'm taking.
I Iike guys, so, I don't know. Um. . .
How to make Iove to a woman?
I think Oreo-cookie mouth,
don't brush your teeth for a coupIe days.
Give it to her good.
Then no cuddIing, no Ioving, just Ieave,
because that's what we want. Just Ieave.
I do a Iot of shadow puppeting around that.
And then I work my way down, and I just hit it.
You know, I just hit it. And I hit it.
I have some martiaI-arts training. I just hit it.
They say if it Iasts more than four hours,
you gotta go to the hospitaI.
WeII, if I'm ever Iucky enough for that to Iast four hours,
I'm not going to no hospitaI.
I'm gonna pIay that sucker right out.
[ Laughs ]
I Iike to focus on putting the penis in the vagina.
I think that's pretty key.
Or severaI.
Jesus.
How to make Iove to a woman?
Ask Beau.
At the Iocker room, just champagne expIoding,
taking off your cIothes,
just swatting everyone on the ass and just--
just a bunch of naked guys just reaIIy happy together.
That's how I make Iove to a woman.
It shouId be very easy.
You just ump on her and make Iove, simpIe Iove.
Why is that difficuIt?
[ Moaning ]
How to make Iove to a woman? A woman?
Why are you asking me that?
Not if I Iive to be 1 00.
WeII, who knows.
Oh, my God. Lord have mercy.
You know, feIIas, meet her at the church and Iove her,
and then bang that back out.
Bang, bang, bang! Right?
You know aII about bIack chocoIate? You know aII about it.
What do you think, girI? You fuck her, duh.
Or you couId get her drunk.
Do you know how many guys I've had sex with
because I was drunk?
I wouId teII you, but I don't remember.
That time in coIIege was a oke. I've never had sex with a woman.
They're disgusting. They're gross.
[ Laughs ]
Then what you do is you fIip her over,
you hit her from behind.
There's three ways to do it.
Hard, fast, and anaI.
You can do hard, fast, and anaI, but then you gotta be a master.
Then you better be writing a book, and I'II be buying that motherfucker.
If that shit's cheap. I don't make too much money.
But if I did, I'd buy a whoIe set. . .
''How to Butt-Fuck Your GirIfriend, Starring You.''
Like, bring a box of tissues, bring some Neosporin,
and have a good time.
Have a good time.
[ ''Room 4 1 0'' by CaII the Cops pIays ]
Look, guys, just admit it.
You don't know how to make Iove to a woman. Sorry.
And you need to Iearn.
Or we wiII just find someone who can. Whoo!
[ Laughs ]
I'm taking appIications.
Wow. Hey.
Oh, man.
Hey, Curtis, couId you maybe do that second thing,
teII me about that?
I might be a IittIe woefuI. I got woe.
Yeah, if you couId just start from the beginning,
'cause I wasn't Iistening to that at aII.
-Yeah, Iet me get my Iove ournaI. -Oh, I'd be happy to.
You Iike that? You Iike that?
You start with that? I thought that was a cIoser.
Whoo!
That's dangerous.