1 00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:08,442 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:13,781 * ALL THE SHADOWS IN THE CITY * 3 00:00:13,881 --> 00:00:17,451 * USED TO LOVE YOU, WHAT A PITY * 4 00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:21,522 * I MISS THE QUESTIONS YOU USED TO ASK ME * 5 00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:25,593 * BORED TO DEATH, CUT, MAD AND LONELY * 6 00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:29,497 * BORED TO DEATH, CUT, MAD AND LONELY * 7 00:00:29,597 --> 00:00:31,632 - ( coughs ) - * BORED TO DEATH 8 00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:34,235 * CUT, MAD AND LONELY. 9 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:38,038 ( whistle blows ) 10 00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:17,478 - MR. EATON? - MR. AMES? 11 00:01:18,979 --> 00:01:20,448 SORRY I'M LATE. THERE WAS TRAFFIC. 12 00:01:20,548 --> 00:01:23,584 IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE. I GREW UP IN NEW JERSEY. 13 00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:26,053 DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS? 14 00:01:26,154 --> 00:01:28,156 OH, THAT'S MY COLLEAGUE. 15 00:01:28,256 --> 00:01:30,057 HE DOES ALL THE DRIVING. 16 00:01:30,158 --> 00:01:32,226 ANYWAYS, 17 00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:34,495 WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT THE EXACT PROBLEM IS? 18 00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:38,666 I APPRECIATE YOU WANTING TO BE DISCREET ON THE PHONE. 19 00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:40,301 I'M BEING BLACKMAILED. 20 00:01:40,401 --> 00:01:41,835 WHY? WHAT HAPPENED? 21 00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:44,338 WELL, I'VE BEEN MARRIED 11 YEARS. 22 00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:46,607 I HAVE TWO LITTLE BOYS. THEY'RE LOVELY. 23 00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,576 AND MY WIFE AND I-- 24 00:01:49,877 --> 00:01:51,279 WHEN I WAS A KID 25 00:01:51,379 --> 00:01:52,646 MY PARENTS HAD TWO SEPARATE BEDROOMS. 26 00:01:52,746 --> 00:01:55,149 I DON'T THINK I EVER EVEN SAW THEM KISS. 27 00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:56,250 THAT HAPPENS A LOT. 28 00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:57,785 YEAH, WELL, IT HAPPENED TO ME. 29 00:01:57,885 --> 00:02:01,522 SO I WENT ON CRAIGSLIST. 30 00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:03,457 I GUESS I FIGURED IT'D BE ALL RIGHT 31 00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:06,026 IF I HAD AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED WOMAN, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING. 32 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:08,229 OH, MY GOD, THIS WOMAN'S BODY IS BEAUTIFUL. 33 00:02:08,329 --> 00:02:10,864 DID YOU REALLY MEET HER? 34 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,334 SORRY. GO ON. 35 00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:15,669 YEAH, WE MET AT A MOTEL, 36 00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:17,871 YOU KNOW, ONE OF THOSE THAT CHARGES BY THE HOUR. 37 00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:20,441 ( sighs ) HER NAME WAS SOPHIA 38 00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:25,078 AND SHE WAS-- I MEAN, SHE IS BEAUTIFUL. 39 00:02:25,179 --> 00:02:27,114 I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THAT SHE LIKED ME, 40 00:02:27,215 --> 00:02:28,249 WHICH IS PATHETIC. 41 00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:30,251 HEY, DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP. 42 00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:31,985 YOU WERE VULNERABLE. 43 00:02:32,085 --> 00:02:33,554 I DON'T KNOW HOW, BUT SHE FILMED US. 44 00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:36,424 SHE SENT ME A COPY AND SHE ASKED FOR $1000 45 00:02:36,524 --> 00:02:38,226 OR SHE WOULD SHOW IT TO MY WIFE. 46 00:02:38,326 --> 00:02:39,293 - YOU PAID? - YEAH. 47 00:02:39,393 --> 00:02:41,229 I MAXED OUT A CREDIT CARD 48 00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:43,231 AND I THOUGHT THE WHOLE THING WAS OVER. 49 00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:46,200 BUT THEN SHE CALLED AGAIN. SHE WANTS $500 A MONTH. 50 00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:48,436 THAT IS A LOT OF MONEY. 51 00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:50,404 YEAH, I DON'T HAVE THAT, ESPECIALLY NOT IN THIS ECONOMY. 52 00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:52,573 YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT TWO KIDS. 53 00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:55,576 YOUR AD SAID 54 00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:58,712 THAT YOUR RATES WERE REASONABLE. 55 00:02:58,812 --> 00:03:01,315 ALL THE OTHER DETECTIVES WERE WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUE. 56 00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:04,184 I CHARGE $100 A DAY, BUT I'M GOOD. 57 00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:06,220 I'M ONE OF THE-- 58 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:07,855 WELL, I'M GOOD. 59 00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:10,591 I CAN AFFORD THAT. 60 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:13,927 I JUST NEED YOU TO GET THAT TAPE BACK FOR ME. 61 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,463 THE WEIRD THING IS 62 00:03:15,563 --> 00:03:19,166 I FEEL CLOSER TO MY WIFE THAN EVER. 63 00:03:19,267 --> 00:03:20,968 I CAN'T LOSE HER NOW. 64 00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:23,737 - I UNDERSTAND. - ( phone rings ) 65 00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:29,310 WILL YOU GET ME A HAMBURGER TO GO? I'M STARVING. 66 00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:30,844 - OKAY. CHEESE? - NO CHEESE. 67 00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:32,880 ALL RIGHT, NO CHEESE. 68 00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:36,950 I'LL GET YOUR TAPE FOR YOU. I PROMISE. 69 00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,719 EXCUSE ME, 70 00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:41,822 CAN I GET A CHEESEBURGER, NO CHEESE, TO GO? 71 00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:47,661 - HELLO, LADIES. - GOOD MORNING. 72 00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:51,198 SO JUST WAIT HERE UNDER THESE BALLERINAS, OKAY? 73 00:03:51,299 --> 00:03:53,967 OKAY, I LIKE BALLET. HI. 74 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:00,541 GEORGE. 75 00:04:00,641 --> 00:04:03,043 HEY, JONATHAN, DEAR BOY, COME IN. 76 00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:04,778 GOT YOUR EMAIL. I CAME BY 77 00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:06,614 TO PICK UP THE GALLEYS FOR THE NEW PAUL AUSTER NOVEL. 78 00:04:06,714 --> 00:04:08,416 OH, SHIT. 79 00:04:08,516 --> 00:04:10,584 WHAT'S THE MATTER? 80 00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:13,454 THERE'S A PARTY TONIGHT FOR GAY TALESE AT THE NATIONAL ARTS CLUB. 81 00:04:13,554 --> 00:04:16,357 ANOTHER AWARD. I THINK HE'S A GREAT WRITER, 82 00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:18,759 BUT HOW MANY OF THESE THINGS CAN I GO TO IN LIFE? 83 00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:20,528 I DON'T KNOW. 84 00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:22,763 IT SEEMS LIKE YOU GO TO ONE ALMOST EVERY NIGHT OF THE WEEK. 85 00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:24,932 I KNOW, AND IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME BORING PEOPLE, 86 00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:27,668 GOING ON 35 YEARS. 87 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:31,305 THOUGH SOME DIE AND SOME PRESS ON. 88 00:04:31,405 --> 00:04:34,141 I FALL INTO THE PRESS-ON CATEGORY. 89 00:04:34,241 --> 00:04:36,310 PRESSING ON IS GOOD. PRESSING ON IS HEROIC. 90 00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:39,313 MAYBE. THE FIRST 25 YEARS OR SO 91 00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:41,349 IT ALL SEEMED VERY MEANINGFUL. 92 00:04:41,449 --> 00:04:43,050 THE PAST 10 YEARS 93 00:04:43,150 --> 00:04:45,052 I FEEL LIKE I'M ON AUTOPILOT. 94 00:04:45,152 --> 00:04:47,120 I MAY NOT EVEN BE TALKING RIGHT NOW. 95 00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:49,657 THIS COULD BE A TAPE RECORDING. 96 00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:51,459 YOUR AUSTER. 97 00:04:51,559 --> 00:04:53,694 OH, GREAT. I LOVE PAUL AUSTER. 98 00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,062 I'LL WRITE YOU A GOOD REVIEW. 99 00:04:55,162 --> 00:04:57,230 YEAH, WHATEVER, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, 100 00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:59,266 I WANT YOU TO COME WITH ME TONIGHT TO THE PARTY. 101 00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:01,502 YOU CAN GET QUOTES FOR THE SOCIETY PAGE OR SOMETHING. 102 00:05:01,602 --> 00:05:04,137 SEE, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE PARTY BY MYSELF. 103 00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:05,906 TONIGHT? I'M REALLY SORRY BUT I CAN'T. 104 00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:07,741 WHAT? YOU NEVER SAY NO. 105 00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:09,343 DON'T YOU NEED MONEY FOR THE PIECE? 106 00:05:09,443 --> 00:05:10,678 I DO BUT-- 107 00:05:10,778 --> 00:05:13,180 SINCE WHEN DO YOU PLAY IT SO CLOSE TO THE VEST? 108 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:15,416 I DON'T LIKE SECRETS. 109 00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:17,818 I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO GETS TO HAVE SECRETS. SIT DOWN. 110 00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:25,292 I-- I HAVE ANOTHER JOB. 111 00:05:25,393 --> 00:05:28,195 OH, YOU'RE NOT WRITING FOR ANTREM AT "GQ," ARE YOU? 112 00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:29,363 NO NO NO. 113 00:05:29,463 --> 00:05:31,231 I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO YOU. 114 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:32,700 DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH? 115 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,968 YES, I DO, 116 00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:37,037 AS LONG AS IT'S NOT BORING. 117 00:05:37,137 --> 00:05:39,540 WELL... 118 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:42,142 I HAVE A SECOND JOB AS A PRIVATE DETECTIVE. 119 00:05:42,242 --> 00:05:44,177 I HAVEN'T WANTED TO TELL YOU 120 00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:47,415 BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WOULD THINK IT WAS STRANGE. 121 00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:50,384 IF YOU'RE GOING TO LIE YOU NEED TO MAKE IT BELIEVABLE. 122 00:05:50,484 --> 00:05:52,753 THROW IN AN ELEMENT OF TRUTH. THAT'S WHAT I DO. 123 00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:55,155 BUT I'M NOT LYING. I HAVE AN AD ON CRAIGSLIST 124 00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:57,758 ADVERTISING MYSELF AS AN UNLICENSED PRIVATE DETECTIVE. 125 00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:01,361 AND TONIGHT IN NEW JERSEY I'M MEETING THIS WOMAN-- A BLACKMAILER. 126 00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:04,965 I STILL DON'T BELIEVE YOU. WHAT KIND OF BLACKMAILER? 127 00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:06,634 SHE TARGETS MARRIED MEN. 128 00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:09,503 WE'VE BEEN EMAILING AND TEXTING FOR THE LAST 24 HOURS. 129 00:06:09,603 --> 00:06:11,905 I POSED AS MARRIED TO LURE HER IN. 130 00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:14,708 AND TONIGHT I HAVE TO GET MY CLIENT'S SEX TAPE BACK. 131 00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:17,044 - I WANT TO COME WITH YOU. - ON MY CASE? 132 00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:18,512 YES YES. 133 00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:20,548 GAY TALESE WOULD WANT ME TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS. 134 00:06:20,648 --> 00:06:22,650 I MEAN, TO HELL WITH A BORING DINNER PARTY. 135 00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:24,251 NOW DON'T YOU SEE, JONATHAN? 136 00:06:24,351 --> 00:06:27,120 THIS IS THE KIND OF JOURNALISM THAT WE NEED IN THE MAGAZINE. 137 00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:29,823 WE'LL BE WRITERS WHO FIGHT CRIME, 138 00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:31,492 YOU KNOW, GIVE IT A BIG COVER STORY-- 139 00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:33,727 YOU KNOW, "BLACKMAILER'S BROUGHT--" 140 00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:35,629 NO NO, 141 00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,598 "SEXTORTIONIST BROUGHT DOWN 142 00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:39,933 BY GEORGE CHRISTOPHER AND JONATHAN AMES." 143 00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:41,802 OR YOUR NAME WOULD GO FIRST IF YOU WANT. 144 00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:44,505 I'M JUST THINKING OUT LOUD HERE. 145 00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:46,106 WHAT DO YOU SAY? 146 00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:53,781 RAY, THIS IS GEORGE-- MY BOSS. HE'S COMING WITH US. 147 00:06:53,881 --> 00:06:55,716 NICE TO MEET YOU. HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU. 148 00:06:55,816 --> 00:06:58,452 THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME COME ON THIS ADVENTURE WITH YOU AND JONATHAN. 149 00:06:58,552 --> 00:07:00,287 WELL, I'M JUST THE DRIVER. 150 00:07:00,387 --> 00:07:02,355 MY GIRLFRIEND LENT US THE CAR. 151 00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:03,824 A NICE CAR? 152 00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:06,193 A SUBARU, AUTOMATIC. 153 00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:08,662 WHAT'S A SUBARU? 154 00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:11,999 NOW WHAT'S THE EXACT PLAN? HOW ARE WE DOING THIS? 155 00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:14,502 WELL, I'M GONNA MEET THE WOMAN AT THIS MOTEL OUTSIDE THE LINCOLN TUNNEL. 156 00:07:14,602 --> 00:07:17,170 SHE'S SUPPOSED TO GET A ROOM AND CALL ME. BUT I'M GONNA STAND HER UP. 157 00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,773 EXCEPT WE'LL BE THERE AND WE'LL FOLLOW HER HOME. 158 00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:21,008 THEN WHAT? 159 00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:22,976 - THEN THE PLAN GETS WEAK. - IT DOESN'T. 160 00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:25,879 EITHER I'LL CONFRONT HER AT HER HOME AND ASK FOR THE TAPE BACK 161 00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:28,348 OR WE'LL WAIT TILL SHE LEAVES AGAIN AND WE'LL BREAK IN THERE 162 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,717 AND GRAB THE THING AND FLEE. 163 00:07:29,817 --> 00:07:31,852 HOW ARE WE GONNA BREAK IN? 164 00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:34,555 I WENT ONLINE. THERE'S A SPY SHOP IN THE VILLAGE. 165 00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:37,090 THEY HAVE A SPECIAL LOCK PICKER THAT OPENS ALL DOORS. 166 00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:40,861 THIS IS ALL VERY INSANE AND ILLEGAL, ISN'T IT? 167 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,229 WELL... 168 00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:44,732 YES, IT IS ILLEGAL. AND INSANE. 169 00:07:44,832 --> 00:07:47,901 GOOD. I LIKE INSANE. 170 00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,737 SO THIS IS THE SUBARU? 171 00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:51,905 YEAH, TRY NOT TO MAKE A MESS. 172 00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:56,510 $700? 173 00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:59,279 - IS THAT A LOT? - YOU KNOW, I HAVE NO IDEA. 174 00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:01,048 I MEAN, IT COULD BE A GOOD DEAL, 175 00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:03,016 NIGHT VISION AND ALL. 176 00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:04,818 THOSE ARE TOP OF THE LINE, 177 00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:08,255 VERY POPULAR IN AFGHANISTAN AT 3:00 A.M. 178 00:08:08,355 --> 00:08:09,422 HOWARD BAKER. 179 00:08:09,523 --> 00:08:10,958 GEORGE CHRISTOPHER. 180 00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:12,793 HOWARD, WE'LL TAKE ONE. 181 00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:15,563 - CHARGE IT TO THE MAGAZINE. - MAYBE WE WON'T NEED THEM. 182 00:08:15,663 --> 00:08:17,531 LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, SUNDAY STYLES-- 183 00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:20,433 I'D HATE TO THINK OF A SITUATION WHERE YOU NEEDED NIGHT-VISION GOGGLES 184 00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:22,502 AND YOU DIDN'T HAVE NIGHT-VISION GOGGLES. 185 00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:26,206 ( distorted ) YOU KNOW, MAYBE HE'S GOT A GOOD POINT. 186 00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:27,407 WE'LL TAKE ONE OF THESE TOO. 187 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:29,276 WHAT ARE THESE? 188 00:08:29,376 --> 00:08:31,979 OH, THOSE ARE CAMERAS. 189 00:08:32,079 --> 00:08:35,716 OH, LOOK AT THAT. THAT'S GREAT. 190 00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:39,452 DO YOU HAVE AN E.Z. LOCK PICKER? 191 00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:41,789 - YEAH, RIGHT OVER HERE. - ( phone rings ) 192 00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:43,657 HELLO. 193 00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:46,293 WELL, I ALREADY THOUGHT IT WAS A DONE DEAL. 194 00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:49,196 IS HE GONNA CHANGE HIS MIND? 195 00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:51,999 OKAY, THANKS FOR CALLING. 196 00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:54,067 ( mutters ) 197 00:08:54,167 --> 00:08:56,369 IS EVERYTHING OKAY? 198 00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:58,338 THAT WAS MY FRIEND AT "ESQUIRE." 199 00:08:58,438 --> 00:08:59,607 THEY'RE NOT GONNA RUN THE CARTOON 200 00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:01,575 ABOUT ME TRYING TO GET THE LESBIANS PREGNANT. 201 00:09:01,675 --> 00:09:05,012 THAT WAS $5000 I WAS GONNA GET. 202 00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:07,581 - WHAT HAPPENED? - THE SENIOR EDITORS HATED IT. 203 00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,482 THEY'RE NOT EVEN GONNA LET ME DO A REVISION. 204 00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:11,785 I REALLY NEEDED THAT CASH, MAN. 205 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:14,622 I'M SORRY. I KNOW IT'S NOT MUCH, 206 00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:16,389 BUT I'LL GIVE YOU HALF OF WHAT I MAKE TONIGHT-- 207 00:09:16,489 --> 00:09:18,391 50 BUCKS. 208 00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:19,627 GOOD. 209 00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:21,328 THAT'S GOOD FOR HALF OF A COLONIC. 210 00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:22,630 HEY, HOW MUCH FOR THE TASER? 211 00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:25,132 I CAN'T SELL YOU THAT. 212 00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:26,600 OH, HOWARD, COME ON. 213 00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,468 GEORGE, IT TAKES SPECIAL TRAINING. I DON'T HAVE TIME. 214 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,638 I GOTTA CLOSE UP IN 10 MINUTES. 215 00:09:30,738 --> 00:09:33,306 MAN, IF I GET HOME LATE MY WIFE WILL KILL ME. 216 00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,575 I MEAN, I WEAR THE PANTS, 217 00:09:35,676 --> 00:09:38,679 BUT SHE'S GOT THE BELT, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 218 00:09:38,779 --> 00:09:40,347 YOU KNOW SOMETHING? THIS PEN DOESN'T WORK. 219 00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:44,317 OH, THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S A CAMERA. 220 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,353 AH, LOOK AT THAT. 221 00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:48,488 YOU KNOW, I LOVE THIS PLACE. 222 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,057 I'M GONNA DO ALL MY SHOPPING HERE. 223 00:09:50,157 --> 00:09:53,761 GEORGE, WE'VE GOT A BLACKMAILER TO MEET. 224 00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:09,209 SO WHO'S THIS FELLOW? 225 00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:12,312 THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND'S KID'S TOY. IT'S CALLED JANET. 226 00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:14,782 THIS UNICORN'S NAME IS JANET? 227 00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:16,884 YEAH, SHE LIKES FOR HER KIDS 228 00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:19,853 TO USE REAL NAMES FOR SOME REASON. 229 00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:22,823 - ( phone rings ) - OH. 230 00:10:24,091 --> 00:10:26,126 - HELLO. - Ray? 231 00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:27,695 YES, THIS IS RAY. 232 00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:29,129 - RAY? - SHH. 233 00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:31,631 Get us a room and call me when you're inside. 234 00:10:31,732 --> 00:10:33,300 - I'm almost there. - BUT I THOUGHT-- 235 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,368 See you soon. 236 00:10:36,436 --> 00:10:38,038 WHY'D YOU USE MY NAME? 237 00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:40,540 IT WAS THE FIRST ONE THAT CAME TO MIND. I DIDN'T USE YOUR LAST NAME. 238 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,175 SO WHAT'S GOING ON? 239 00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:44,544 DE. SHE WANTS ME TO RENT A ROOM AND CALL HER FROM INS 240 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,380 SO HOW ARE YOU GONNA STAND HER UP 241 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,249 IF YOU'RE ALREADY IN THE ROOM? 242 00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:51,852 UM, OKAY. 243 00:10:51,952 --> 00:10:54,187 I'LL MEET HER AND THEN I'LL PRETEND TO GET COLD FEET. 244 00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:56,857 THE PLAN STILL WORKS. WE'LL TAIL HER WHEN SHE LEAVES. 245 00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:59,793 - SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. - OKAY. 246 00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:07,000 OH, BOY. 247 00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:08,769 ( exhaling ) 248 00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:11,138 - ARE YOU OKAY? - I'M FINE. 249 00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:13,673 SHE'S A BLACKMAILER BUT LOOKED VERY SMALL IN HER PICTURE. 250 00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:15,776 AND I FENCED IN COLLEGE. I HAVE SOME MOVES. 251 00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:18,345 MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A TASER. 252 00:11:18,445 --> 00:11:22,449 NO NO NO, I DON'T NEED A TASER. I'LL BE OKAY. 253 00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:24,451 I'M DOING THIS TO SAVE A MAN'S MARRIAGE. 254 00:11:24,551 --> 00:11:26,353 HE SHOULDN'T BE PUNISHED FOR ONE MISTAKE. 255 00:11:26,453 --> 00:11:28,255 - WHY NOT? - RAY. 256 00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:31,291 HEY, WE'LL BE RIGHT HERE IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG. 257 00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:41,802 Woman: Hello. 258 00:11:41,902 --> 00:11:43,737 HI, IT'S RAY. I'M IN ROOM 6. 259 00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:46,807 Great. I'll be right there. 260 00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:49,409 NO RUSH. NO RUSH. 261 00:11:52,512 --> 00:11:54,147 ( sighs ) 262 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,562 ( distant dog barking ) 263 00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:12,833 NOT MUCH TO SEE. 264 00:12:14,701 --> 00:12:16,603 IN FACT, 265 00:12:16,703 --> 00:12:19,072 IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY WELL-LIT OUT THERE. 266 00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:23,043 DO YOU MIND IF I SMOKE POT IN HERE? 267 00:12:23,143 --> 00:12:25,645 NOT AT ALL. 268 00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,714 CAN I HAVE SOME? 269 00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:29,249 YOU SMOKE POT? 270 00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:31,318 SINCE THE '60s. 271 00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:32,886 OKAY. 272 00:12:41,528 --> 00:12:43,964 LOOK LOOK, HERE SHE IS. 273 00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:51,738 OH MY GOD, SHE'S A KNOCKOUT. 274 00:12:51,839 --> 00:12:53,874 LET ME SEE. LET ME SEE. 275 00:12:53,974 --> 00:12:55,843 - ( knocks on door ) - YEAH YEAH YEAH. 276 00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:58,378 COMING COMING. 277 00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:05,819 CAN I COME IN? 278 00:13:05,919 --> 00:13:07,187 ( quietly ) YES. 279 00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:10,090 YES YES, OF COURSE. 280 00:13:15,829 --> 00:13:17,064 MIND IF I SMOKE? 281 00:13:17,164 --> 00:13:19,066 YOU KNOW, IT'S ACTUALLY A NON-SMOKING ROOM, 282 00:13:19,166 --> 00:13:21,134 BUT FOR SOME REASON THEY HAVE AN ASHTRAY. 283 00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:24,037 IT SORT OF SENDS A MIXED MESSAGE. 284 00:13:30,610 --> 00:13:33,546 JUST SIT ON THE BED? 285 00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:35,815 OKAY. 286 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:41,989 YOU'RE MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN I THOUGHT YOU'D BE. 287 00:13:42,089 --> 00:13:45,258 I LIKE A MAN WITH A BIG NOSE. 288 00:13:46,793 --> 00:13:49,162 OH, YEAH? 289 00:13:51,731 --> 00:13:52,966 THANK YOU. 290 00:13:53,066 --> 00:13:54,734 IS IT REALLY THAT BIG? 291 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,503 IN A GOOD WAY. 292 00:14:01,141 --> 00:14:04,311 SO YOU'RE UNHAPPY WITH YOUR WIFE? 293 00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,747 MY WIFE? I'M NOT-- 294 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,716 OH, RIGHT, YES, 295 00:14:09,816 --> 00:14:12,685 MY WIFE SUZANNE. 296 00:14:12,785 --> 00:14:14,621 THINGS HAVEN'T BEEN GOOD. 297 00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:17,357 SHE THINKS I DRINK TOO MUCH, BUT IT'S HER FATHER WHO'S THE ALC- 298 00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:19,459 ( grunts ) 299 00:14:21,328 --> 00:14:22,930 YOU KNOW, MAYBE THIS ISN'T A GOOD IDEA. 300 00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:25,899 I HAVEN'T BEEN WITH ANOTHER WOMAN SINCE SUZANNE-- 301 00:14:25,999 --> 00:14:27,968 I MEAN, SINCE SUZANNE AND I 302 00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:30,837 STARTED HAVING TROUBLES, AND I THINK I'D BETTER GO. 303 00:14:30,938 --> 00:14:32,105 BUT IT WAS REALLY NICE TO MEET YOU. 304 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:35,442 - SHUT UP, RAY. - OH, BOY. 305 00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:39,913 I DON'T UNDERSTAND. IT WAS A CARTOON ABOUT YOUR SPERM? 306 00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:41,848 YEAH, I'VE BEEN GIVING MY SPERM 307 00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:43,850 TO THESE TWO LESBIANS. 308 00:14:43,951 --> 00:14:46,353 THEY'RE FANS OF MINE. THEY WANT TO HAVE A KID. 309 00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:48,855 YOU'RE HELPING LESBIANS HAVE A BABY? 310 00:14:48,956 --> 00:14:51,191 MY GIRLFRIEND-- SHE DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE KIDS 311 00:14:51,291 --> 00:14:53,160 AND THOUGHT, "WELL, THIS IS MY CHANCE 312 00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:54,861 AND I CAN ALSO HELP THIS COUPLE." 313 00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:56,863 THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. 314 00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:58,898 I HAVE A DAUGHTER. 315 00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:00,934 OH, YEAH? ARE YOU GUYS CLOSE? 316 00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:02,802 SHE LIVES IN SEATTLE. 317 00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:06,206 WE LOVE EACH OTHER BUT WE'RE-- 318 00:15:06,306 --> 00:15:09,442 WE DON'T REALLY KNOW EACH OTHER. 319 00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:13,981 OH MY GOD. 320 00:15:14,081 --> 00:15:16,283 I HAVE COMPLETELY FAILED 321 00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:19,486 AT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE. 322 00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:23,223 I'M GONNA CALL HER RIGHT NOW AND TELL HER I LOVE HER. 323 00:15:23,323 --> 00:15:25,858 NO NO NO NO, YOU DON'T WANT TO HIGH-DIAL YOUR DAUGHTER. 324 00:15:25,959 --> 00:15:29,496 - I'M NOT THAT HIGH REALLY. - I THINK YOU ARE. 325 00:15:32,165 --> 00:15:34,267 I'LL USE THE VOICE CHANGER. 326 00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:36,569 THAT WAY SHE WON'T BE ABLE TO TELL I'M STONED. 327 00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:39,139 NO NO NO, HERE. 328 00:15:40,907 --> 00:15:42,542 ( distorted ) HEY, HONEY, 329 00:15:42,642 --> 00:15:44,344 I JUST CALLED TO TELL YOU THAT I LOVE YOU. 330 00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:47,680 THIS IS YOUR FATHER. I'M A ROBOT. 331 00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:49,749 THAT'S STONED THINKING. 332 00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:51,418 YOU'LL SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF HER. 333 00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:53,453 YOU'RE RIGHT. 334 00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:56,256 HEY, SHOULD I SEND A TEXT MESSAGE? 335 00:15:56,990 --> 00:16:00,127 ( screams ) OH, GOD! 336 00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:05,298 - DID YOU COME? - NO, NOT YET. 337 00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:07,600 - THAT WAS A LOUD YELL. - NO, YOU'LL KNOW. 338 00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:11,571 PUT A FINGER IN NOW, OKAY? THAT'LL PUSH ME OVER THE TOP. 339 00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:14,007 YEAH, OKAY. 340 00:16:14,107 --> 00:16:16,909 SEE, THIS IS MY FLEET OF SUPER SPERMS. 341 00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:18,745 I COULD HAVE REALLY USED THAT FIVE GRAND. 342 00:16:18,845 --> 00:16:21,081 YOU'RE VERY TALENTED. 343 00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:22,615 I MEAN, THESE ARE AMAZING. 344 00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:25,185 REALLY? DO YOU THINK YOU COULD PUBLISH THEM? 345 00:16:25,285 --> 00:16:27,287 NO NO. 346 00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:30,923 IT'S PROBABLY TOO SPERM-ORIENTED FOR OUR READERSHIP, 347 00:16:31,024 --> 00:16:32,892 BUT I LOVE YOUR STYLE. 348 00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,627 WAIT WAIT. 349 00:16:34,727 --> 00:16:36,096 WHAT? 350 00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:38,265 HOW LONG HAS JONATHAN BEEN IN THERE? 351 00:16:38,365 --> 00:16:41,768 I DON'T KNOW. I'M ON MARIJUANA MINUTES. 352 00:16:41,868 --> 00:16:43,136 YEAH, ME TOO. 353 00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:45,172 I USUALLY SET MY DIVER'S WATCH WHEN I'M STONED 354 00:16:45,272 --> 00:16:47,440 SO I KNOW HOW LONG IT'S BEEN. 355 00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:49,076 HE COULD HAVE BEEN IN THERE FOR TWO HOURS, 356 00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:50,910 BUT IT SEEMS LIKE IT'S ONLY BEEN FIVE MINUTES. 357 00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:53,080 I NEED A NEW WATCH. ARE YOU HAPPY WITH YOURS? 358 00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:55,215 YEAH, IT'S NAVY SEALS', 359 00:16:55,315 --> 00:16:58,151 WATER-RESISTANT UP TO 200'. 360 00:16:58,251 --> 00:16:59,919 I WEAR IT TO THE BATHTUB ALL THE TIME. 361 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,754 I SHOULD GET ONE OF THESE. 362 00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:04,157 I CAN'T WEAR MINE IN THE BATHTUB. 363 00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:07,560 ( water running ) 364 00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:10,497 WOW, THANK YOU. 365 00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:12,599 THAT WAS AMAZING. 366 00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:14,801 GET OVER HERE NOW. 367 00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:19,339 YOU KNOW, THEY SAY IF BABIES DON'T GET TOUCHED ENOUGH THEY DIE. 368 00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:23,276 I THINK THE SAME THING APPLIES TO ADULTS, 369 00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:25,278 YOU KNOW? 370 00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:32,485 YOU KNOW, THE WATER PRESSURE IS ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD HERE. 371 00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:34,321 YOUR NAME'S NOT RAY. IT'S JONATHAN. 372 00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:36,489 - HOW DID YOU--? - JONATHAN AMES, 373 00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:40,059 181 HAMILTON STREET, BROOKLYN, NEW YORK. 374 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:41,394 THAT'S MY LICENSE. I CAN'T LOSE THAT. 375 00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:44,497 I VIDEOTAPED US. YOU'RE GONNA PAY ME $500 NOW 376 00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:47,234 AND $500 A WEEK FOR THE NEXT 10 WEEKS. 377 00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:48,635 EVERY WEEK? THAT'S MORE THAN-- 378 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,670 IF I DON'T GET MY MONEY YOUR WIFE GETS THE TAPE. 379 00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:54,507 LISTEN, 380 00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:57,477 I HAD A REALLY NICE TIME WITH YOU, 381 00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,812 BUT I'M HOLDING ALL THE CARDS HERE. 382 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,814 I'M NOT MARRIED. 383 00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,616 WHO'S SUZANNE? 384 00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:05,985 MY EX-GIRLFRIEND. 385 00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:08,888 YOU'RE ACTUALLY THE FIRST PERSON I'VE SLEPT WITH IN MONTHS. 386 00:18:08,988 --> 00:18:11,724 IT WAS REALLY NICE WITH YOU, 387 00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:14,194 JUST SO YOU KNOW. 388 00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:17,197 OKAY, BUT YOU'RE A NOVELIST. 389 00:18:17,297 --> 00:18:19,399 YOU'RE IN THE PUBLIC EYE. 390 00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:22,135 HOW DID YOU KNOW? YOU'VE READ MY WORK? 391 00:18:22,235 --> 00:18:24,171 I GOOGLED YOU. 392 00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:25,638 YOU FREELANCE AT "EDITION NY." 393 00:18:25,738 --> 00:18:27,640 YOU'VE WRITTEN ONE BOOK, "I PASS LIKE NIGHT." 394 00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:29,842 AND YOUR AMAZON RANKING IS ROUGHLY 447,000. 395 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:32,712 BUT THE AMAZON'S RANKING THING IS ALL SCREWED UP. IT'S NOT FAIR-- 396 00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:35,882 I'M GONNA PUT THE VIDEO ON YouTube, FACEBOOK-- EVERYWHERE. 397 00:18:35,982 --> 00:18:37,184 YOU WILL BE HUMILIATED. 398 00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:39,286 BUT YOU HAD TWO ORGASMS. 399 00:18:39,386 --> 00:18:41,388 I WANT MY $500 NOW. 400 00:18:49,329 --> 00:18:51,331 HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT GOING FOR COUNSELING 401 00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:54,000 TO HELP WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP? 402 00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:56,969 I HAVE A WONDERFUL THERAPIST. 403 00:18:57,069 --> 00:19:01,241 HE HAS ME DOING ALL SORTS OF THINGS. 404 00:19:01,341 --> 00:19:03,510 I WENT A FEW WEEKS AGO. 405 00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:04,711 LEAH MADE ME GO. 406 00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:07,247 SHE ALSO MADE ME GO GET SOME COLONICS. 407 00:19:07,347 --> 00:19:10,283 I'D LIKE A COLONIC. 408 00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:11,451 HEY, LET ME SEE, LET ME SEE. 409 00:19:11,551 --> 00:19:14,687 WHOA, BE PATIENT. BE PATIENT. 410 00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:19,158 HEY, CAN I DRAW YOU NEXT? 411 00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:21,328 I HAVEN'T DRAWN IN YEARS. 412 00:19:21,428 --> 00:19:23,796 I WANT TO BE LIKE A CHILD. 413 00:19:23,896 --> 00:19:25,798 I WANT TO BE FREE. 414 00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:27,800 PSS-SS-SS. 415 00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:29,836 PLEASE. 416 00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:32,339 OKAY OKAY. 417 00:19:34,241 --> 00:19:36,075 - DID HE PAY? - NOT YET. 418 00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:38,745 HE'S ONLY GOT 40 BUCKS IN HIS WALLET. WE'LL GO OUT TO THE A.T.M. 419 00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:41,948 - WHO ARE YOU? - I'M THE GUY WITH THE TASER. 420 00:19:42,048 --> 00:19:44,651 DO YOU GUYS SHOP AT THE SPY STORE ON CHRISTOPHER STREET? 421 00:19:44,751 --> 00:19:46,719 SHUT UP. $500 NOW 422 00:19:46,819 --> 00:19:49,589 AND $500 FOR THE NEXT 10 WEEKS OR I WILL FUCK YOU UP. 423 00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:51,458 LISTEN, I'M A WRITER. I DON'T MAKE THAT KIND OF MONEY. 424 00:19:51,558 --> 00:19:55,061 - ( buzzes ) - ( screaming ) 425 00:19:55,161 --> 00:19:57,964 OW! THAT'S NOT COOL, MAN. 426 00:19:58,064 --> 00:19:59,632 THAT REALLY HURT, ALL RIGHT? 427 00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:01,768 YOU NEED SPECIAL TRAINING TO USE ONE OF THOSE THINGS. 428 00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:03,303 GET YOUR FUCKING PANTS ON. 429 00:20:03,403 --> 00:20:04,637 YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO HURT HIM. 430 00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:06,773 YOU DO YOUR THING, I'LL DO MINE. 431 00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:20,086 OKAY, $500. LET'S GO. 432 00:20:20,186 --> 00:20:22,655 OKAY OKAY. 433 00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:28,227 IT'LL ONLY LET ME TAKE OUT $200 AT A TIME. 434 00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:30,563 SO MAKE THREE WITHDRAWALS, GENIUS. 435 00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:32,332 BUT THAT'S THREE SEPARATE SERVICE CHARGES. 436 00:20:32,432 --> 00:20:33,966 LOOK, I WILL TASER YOUR FACE. 437 00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,403 OKAY OKAY, I'M JUST SAYING YOU GUYS SHOULD AT LEAST ACKNOWLEDGE 438 00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:39,005 THAT I'M NOW BASICALLY PAYING $509. 439 00:20:39,105 --> 00:20:41,474 OKAY OKAY. 440 00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:45,278 ( car engines start ) 441 00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:53,753 HEY HEY HEY, GUYS. HEY HEY. 442 00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:54,987 HEY, JONATHAN. 443 00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:57,023 I FEEL LIKE A CHILD AGAIN. I'M DRAWING. 444 00:20:57,123 --> 00:20:59,326 WHAT THE HELL? DIDN'T YOU GUYS SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON? 445 00:20:59,426 --> 00:21:01,193 NO. WHAT HAPPENED? 446 00:21:01,294 --> 00:21:03,262 FOLLOW THAT VAN. THAT GUY TASERED ME. 447 00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:06,499 - LOOK WHAT I DREW. - JUST FOLLOW THE VAN. 448 00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:18,277 NOW WHAT? 449 00:21:18,378 --> 00:21:20,012 I GOTTA GO IN THERE AND GET THOSE TAPES BACK. 450 00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:22,782 ARE YOU NUTS? YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE. HE'S TASERED YOU ALREADY. 451 00:21:22,882 --> 00:21:25,251 - BUT I NEED TO GET THOSE TAPES. - WHO CARES? 452 00:21:25,352 --> 00:21:26,786 SOMEONE PUTS A SEX TAPE OF YOU ONLINE. 453 00:21:26,886 --> 00:21:28,355 I CAN'T THINK OF ANYBODY'S CAREER 454 00:21:28,455 --> 00:21:29,722 WHO HASN'T BEEN HELPED BY A SEX TAPE. 455 00:21:29,822 --> 00:21:31,491 COULD EVEN HELP A WRITER LIKE YOU. 456 00:21:31,591 --> 00:21:34,226 JONATHAN, ARE YOU WORKING ON YOUR NOVEL? 457 00:21:34,327 --> 00:21:35,695 NO. PLEASE, 458 00:21:35,795 --> 00:21:37,530 I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY WRITING. 459 00:21:37,630 --> 00:21:39,666 I HAVE TO GET THAT TAPE BACK FOR MR. EATON. 460 00:21:39,766 --> 00:21:41,934 HE'S GOT TWO KIDS. IT'S A SEXLESS MARRIAGE BUT HE LOVES HER. 461 00:21:42,034 --> 00:21:44,471 WHO CARES ABOUT THAT GUY? ARE YOU GONNA GET YOURSELF MAIMED 462 00:21:44,571 --> 00:21:47,340 FOR $100-- $50 IF WE SPLIT IT? 463 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:49,008 WHAT DO YOU THINK, GEORGE? 464 00:21:49,108 --> 00:21:50,943 I DON'T REALLY HAVE AN OPINION. 465 00:21:51,043 --> 00:21:52,479 I'M TOO STONED TO THINK. 466 00:21:52,579 --> 00:21:54,947 BUT I'M HAVING A REALLY GOOD TIME. 467 00:21:57,149 --> 00:21:58,951 SHH. 468 00:21:59,051 --> 00:22:00,487 OH, GOD. 469 00:22:00,587 --> 00:22:02,288 - I THOUGHT HE SAW US. - ( laughing ) 470 00:22:02,389 --> 00:22:04,757 THE POT'S MAKING ME SO PARANOID. 471 00:22:09,496 --> 00:22:12,599 OKAY, HE'S ALONE IN THERE. I'M GOING IN. 472 00:22:12,699 --> 00:22:14,567 I THINK WE SHOULD JUST GIVE UP. 473 00:22:14,667 --> 00:22:16,636 THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH FAILURE. I DO IT ALL THE TIME. 474 00:22:16,736 --> 00:22:18,905 BUT IF I CAN GET HER ALONE I CAN REASON WITH HER. 475 00:22:19,005 --> 00:22:20,807 JONATHAN. 476 00:22:20,907 --> 00:22:22,809 IT'S OKAY. SHE HAD TWO ORGASMS. SHE MUST LIKE ME. 477 00:22:22,909 --> 00:22:24,611 HOW DO YOU KNOW SHE WASN'T FAKING IT? 478 00:22:24,711 --> 00:22:26,446 - SHE WASN'T. - TWO ORGASMS? 479 00:22:26,546 --> 00:22:29,248 YES, IT WAS KIND OF AMAZING. I'M-- 480 00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:32,485 ANYWAY, AND I COULD TELL THAT SHE FELT BAD WHEN HE TASERED ME. 481 00:22:32,585 --> 00:22:33,586 I THINK SHE REALLY LIKES ME. 482 00:22:33,686 --> 00:22:35,922 GEORGE, WILL YOU REASON WITH HIM? 483 00:22:36,022 --> 00:22:37,356 I THINK HE SHOULD GO IN. 484 00:22:37,457 --> 00:22:39,325 SEE? NOW LISTEN. 485 00:22:39,426 --> 00:22:42,429 IF THAT GUY COMES BACK YOU NEED TO CALL MY CELL PHONE AND WARN ME. 486 00:22:42,529 --> 00:22:44,063 DEFINITELY. I CAN HANDLE THAT. 487 00:22:44,163 --> 00:22:47,033 ALL RIGHT. I'M COUNTING ON YOU GUYS. 488 00:22:50,336 --> 00:22:52,338 SO PLEASE NO MORE POT. 489 00:22:52,439 --> 00:22:53,906 JUST KEEP AN EYE OUT, OKAY? 490 00:22:54,006 --> 00:22:58,411 SHE'S GONNA FACE THE MUSIC AND I'M GONNA PLAY IT. 491 00:22:58,511 --> 00:22:59,979 ( distorted ) GOOD LUCK. 492 00:23:00,079 --> 00:23:01,814 SHH SHH. 493 00:23:04,383 --> 00:23:06,753 Kill! 494 00:23:10,289 --> 00:23:11,791 WHAT-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 495 00:23:11,891 --> 00:23:14,861 I WANT THE TAPES-- NOT JUST MINE, ALL OF THEM. 496 00:23:14,961 --> 00:23:16,062 YOU FOLLOWED ME? 497 00:23:16,162 --> 00:23:17,464 OF COURSE I FOLLOWED YOU. 498 00:23:17,564 --> 00:23:21,333 AND I WANT MY TAPE AND MR. EATON'S AND MY MONEY 499 00:23:21,434 --> 00:23:23,536 AND I GUESS THAT'S IT. 500 00:23:23,636 --> 00:23:25,337 YOU KNOW MR. EATON? 501 00:23:25,438 --> 00:23:27,039 YEAH, HE HIRED ME. 502 00:23:27,139 --> 00:23:28,808 I'M A PRIVATE DETECTIVE. 503 00:23:28,908 --> 00:23:31,744 I'M ALSO A WRITER WITH A BAD AMAZON RANKING, 504 00:23:31,844 --> 00:23:34,246 BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T CALL THE COPS. 505 00:23:34,346 --> 00:23:35,682 NO, NO COPS, PLEASE. 506 00:23:35,782 --> 00:23:37,550 WHY NOT? IT'S THE NEXT LOGICAL STEP. 507 00:23:37,650 --> 00:23:39,519 IT WASN'T MY IDEA. MY BROTHER MADE ME DO IT. 508 00:23:39,619 --> 00:23:41,654 THE COPS WON'T CARE. 509 00:23:41,754 --> 00:23:44,857 YOU'LL PROBABLY GET AT LEAST FIVE YEARS FOR EXTORTION. 510 00:23:44,957 --> 00:23:46,693 BUT... 511 00:23:46,793 --> 00:23:49,361 YOU COULD CALL ME WHEN YOU GET OUT. 512 00:23:49,462 --> 00:23:52,431 MY BROTHER'S GOT GAMBLING DEBTS WITH THE WRONG TYPE OF PEOPLE. 513 00:23:52,532 --> 00:23:53,966 IF I DIDN'T HELP HIM THEY WERE GONNA KILL HIM. 514 00:23:54,066 --> 00:23:56,503 AND THIS WAS WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH? 515 00:23:56,603 --> 00:23:58,505 IF HE MADE YOU DO THIS-- 516 00:23:58,605 --> 00:24:01,373 EVEN IF WE HAD A GOOD TIME-- 517 00:24:01,474 --> 00:24:03,976 THEN I'M NOT SURE HE'S A BROTHER WORTH SAVING. 518 00:24:05,845 --> 00:24:08,748 SO GIVE ME THOSE TAPES AND YOUR WORD THAT YOU'LL STOP, 519 00:24:08,848 --> 00:24:11,083 AND I'LL LEAVE THE COPS OUT OF IT. 520 00:24:11,183 --> 00:24:12,485 - YOU PROMISE? - YES. 521 00:24:12,585 --> 00:24:15,221 NOW GIVE ME THOSE TAPES AND THE MONEY. 522 00:24:18,424 --> 00:24:20,893 ( exhales ) 523 00:24:24,130 --> 00:24:26,332 Help me! 524 00:24:26,432 --> 00:24:28,801 All right, let's go. 525 00:24:32,338 --> 00:24:35,374 HERE. WE ONLY DID IT TWICE, I SWEAR-- 526 00:24:35,474 --> 00:24:38,377 YOU AND MR. EATON. 527 00:24:38,477 --> 00:24:40,680 HE WAS A NICE GUY. 528 00:24:40,780 --> 00:24:43,883 BUT YOU LIKED ME BETTER, RIGHT? 529 00:24:44,717 --> 00:24:47,754 I DON'T WANT TO COMPARE. 530 00:24:51,924 --> 00:24:54,360 - OH, SHIT. - YOU GOTTA CALL JONATHAN. 531 00:24:54,460 --> 00:24:56,228 - WHAT? - CALL JONATHAN. 532 00:24:57,797 --> 00:24:59,431 I CAN'T GET A SIGNAL. 533 00:24:59,532 --> 00:25:01,033 STUPID NEW JERSEY. 534 00:25:02,669 --> 00:25:04,136 DON'T GO IN THE HOUSE. DON'T GO IN THE HOUSE. 535 00:25:06,172 --> 00:25:08,140 HE WENT IN THE HOUSE. WE GOTTA GO IN THERE. 536 00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:09,742 WE GOTTA GO IN THE HOUSE. 537 00:25:09,842 --> 00:25:11,878 - WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE? - CARL... 538 00:25:12,945 --> 00:25:15,715 WAIT WAIT, WHAT DO I USE FOR A WEAPON? 539 00:25:16,549 --> 00:25:19,418 - JANET? - YEAH. 540 00:25:19,518 --> 00:25:21,688 SHE EXTENDS? 541 00:25:21,788 --> 00:25:24,056 Carl: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE? 542 00:25:24,156 --> 00:25:26,859 ( all three shouting ) 543 00:25:29,428 --> 00:25:32,098 Jonathan: WE'RE BUSINESS PARTNERS. NO, WE'RE BUSINESS PARTNERS. 544 00:25:32,198 --> 00:25:33,465 - Carl: OH, REALLY? - Jonathan: ALL THREE OF US. 545 00:25:33,566 --> 00:25:36,102 KILL! 546 00:25:40,239 --> 00:25:42,208 DAMN! 547 00:25:42,308 --> 00:25:43,475 AGHH! 548 00:25:43,576 --> 00:25:45,778 OH MY GOD, GO GO GO! 549 00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:51,718 GET IN THE CAR. GEORGE, COME ON. 550 00:25:51,818 --> 00:25:53,753 GEORGE, COME ON. GET IN THE CAR. 551 00:25:53,853 --> 00:25:56,856 NOW NOW NOW. COME ON, GO! 552 00:26:01,794 --> 00:26:03,596 HURRY. HE'S GONNA CATCH US. 553 00:26:03,696 --> 00:26:04,697 George: FLOOR IT. 554 00:26:04,797 --> 00:26:07,133 Ray: I AM. THIS CAR SUCKS. 555 00:26:11,170 --> 00:26:12,839 SHIT. 556 00:26:18,510 --> 00:26:19,712 FUCK YOU. 557 00:26:19,812 --> 00:26:23,149 YOU TOO. WE DID IT! 558 00:26:24,717 --> 00:26:27,620 ( siren whoops ) 559 00:26:29,656 --> 00:26:31,924 ( laughing ) THIS IS NOT GOOD. 560 00:26:32,024 --> 00:26:34,861 LET ME HANDLE THIS. IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER? 561 00:26:34,961 --> 00:26:36,362 OH, YEAH. 562 00:26:37,797 --> 00:26:41,000 I THINK THIS IS THE BEST NIGHT I'VE HAD IN YEARS. 563 00:26:41,100 --> 00:26:43,402 IT'S 5:30 IN THE MORNING, GEORGE. 564 00:26:43,502 --> 00:26:45,638 OH, COME ON, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU GUYS? 565 00:26:45,738 --> 00:26:46,906 SHOW SOME TEAM SPIRIT. 566 00:26:47,006 --> 00:26:48,941 THE COPS FOUND RAY'S PIPE. 567 00:26:49,041 --> 00:26:50,843 WE ALREADY SMOKED EVERYTHING. 568 00:26:50,943 --> 00:26:53,045 IT'S NOT ILLEGAL TO HAVE A GLASS PIPE. 569 00:26:53,145 --> 00:26:55,214 RESIDUE. PLUS DRIVING WHILE IMPAIRED. 570 00:26:55,314 --> 00:26:58,084 HEY, FELLOWS, LISTEN TO ME. DON'T WORRY, ALL RIGHT? 571 00:26:58,184 --> 00:27:01,788 THE MAGAZINE HAS HAD A CRIMINAL LAWYER ON RETAINER FOR YEARS. 572 00:27:01,888 --> 00:27:03,923 I'M GOING TO MAKE ALL OF THIS GO AWAY. 573 00:27:04,023 --> 00:27:07,827 SOMETIMES ONE HAS TO EMBRACE ONE'S PLACE IN SOCIETY. 574 00:27:07,927 --> 00:27:10,296 LEAH IS GONNA KILL ME WHEN SHE SEES THAT FENDER. 575 00:27:10,396 --> 00:27:12,164 AND WE LOST JANET. 576 00:27:13,632 --> 00:27:18,104 OH, YEAH. I'M SORRY ABOUT JANET. 577 00:27:18,204 --> 00:27:20,339 BUT, YOU KNOW, THE CAR JUST NEEDS A LITTLE WORK. 578 00:27:20,439 --> 00:27:21,607 WE'LL FIND A BODY SHOP. 579 00:27:21,708 --> 00:27:23,810 I CAN'T AFFORD A BODY SHOP RIGHT NOW. 580 00:27:23,910 --> 00:27:25,577 YOU KNOW, I HAVE A SOLUTION FOR THAT TOO. 581 00:27:25,678 --> 00:27:27,446 I'M FULL OF SOLUTIONS. 582 00:27:27,546 --> 00:27:30,449 I WANT TO PAY YOU AND JONATHAN 583 00:27:30,549 --> 00:27:33,385 TO COLLABORATE ON A COMIC FOR THE MAGAZINE 584 00:27:33,485 --> 00:27:35,187 ABOUT THIS WHOLE CASE. 585 00:27:35,287 --> 00:27:38,424 I MEAN, MY ORIGINAL COVER STORY IDEA WAS WAY TOO GRANDIOSE. 586 00:27:38,524 --> 00:27:40,693 BUT A COMIC IS BETTER, RIGHT? 587 00:27:40,793 --> 00:27:42,261 I MEAN, COMICS ARE REALLY IN NOW. 588 00:27:42,361 --> 00:27:45,031 COULD BE FUN. WE'VE NEVER WORKED TOGETHER. 589 00:27:45,131 --> 00:27:47,566 I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THAT. I NEED THE MONEY. 590 00:27:47,666 --> 00:27:49,001 WELL, THANKS, GEORGE. 591 00:27:49,101 --> 00:27:51,871 NO, THANK YOU FOR A GREAT NIGHT. 592 00:27:51,971 --> 00:27:54,807 I AM STILL STONED. THAT WAS REALLY GOOD POT. 593 00:27:54,907 --> 00:27:58,010 SHH, GOD. DON'T SAY THAT. 594 00:28:10,689 --> 00:28:13,125 ( George laughing ) 595 00:28:14,994 --> 00:28:17,730 ( theme music playing ) 596 00:28:20,066 --> 00:28:23,970 * ALL THE SHADOWS IN THE CITY * 597 00:28:24,070 --> 00:28:28,007 * USED TO LOVE YOU, WHAT A PITY * 598 00:28:28,107 --> 00:28:31,944 * I MISS THE QUESTIONS YOU USED TO ASK ME * 599 00:28:32,044 --> 00:28:35,681 * ALL THE SHADOWS IN THE CITY * 600 00:28:35,782 --> 00:28:37,316 * ALL RIGHT 601 00:28:40,352 --> 00:28:44,723 * BORED TO DEATH, PLUS EXPENSES * 602 00:28:44,824 --> 00:28:48,861 * THE ONLY TROUBLE IS MY SENTENCE * 603 00:28:48,961 --> 00:28:52,364 * YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER LOVE ANOTHER * 604 00:28:52,464 --> 00:28:57,036 * A RUSSIAN DOLL, ONE INSIDE THE OTHER. *